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Narrator
Hymns for the Road is a fiction podcast that often takes place inside a moving vehicle. Listener discretion is advised while driving. General content warnings are listed in the show Notes.
Silver
I'll sing you a song, a good song of the sea away I'll sing it to you if you sing it with me and we're bound.
Glass
For the.
Righty
Is away Rail away.
Silver
Sing farewell, my pretty young girl and when.
Glass
We'Re bound for the Rio Grande.
Amber
Can we stop to make food or something? I'm starving.
Glass
Did we eat all the snacks already? Could have sworn we just traded for donut holes.
Copper
We did. I had to cry in front of them.
Amber
Oh yeah, that's right.
Glass
Nice that more springs are out again.
Amber
Not that you're biased or anything.
Glass
I'm just glad it's not the summers yet.
Copper
Maybe we'll find this somewhere better before summer comes around.
Amber
Doubt it.
Glass
We can try.
Copper
I bet we won't have to give away any more memories once we get there.
Amber
You've barely had to give up or relive anything at all. Copper.
Copper
Hey, that's not fair. We all lost some when they took over.
Glass
Or maybe you traded them all away and don't remember.
Silver
Leave Copper alone, y'all. We're all hungry. We'll find somewhere to stop soon.
Amber
Better hurry. I'm getting hangry.
Copper
I'm getting bored.
Amber
It wouldn't be so bad if there was something more to see outside the car. It's just brown. Not even a nice brown. It's the kind that looks sick if you stare at it too long. And safe to say, I've been staring at it for a long time.
Glass
It does feel like we've been driving through the desert for a hundred years.
Amber
There's not even hills or anything to look at.
Glass
This is what I think sailors in the open ocean used to feel like.
Amber
I've never seen the ocean, so that means nothing to me.
Silver
You saw that house yesterday. That was something to look at.
Glass
That house was alive.
Amber
It was definitely alive.
Glass
In retrospect, we probably shouldn't have made eye contact with it there's something up there.
Amber
It was harder to see far away, but now that I'm right up against it, it's enormous. A huge sheer canyon right in the middle of the desert. It's like something grabbed each side of the land and pulled until it cracked down the middle. I don't think canyons like that are supposed to be in places like this, but everything's mixed together now, so who even knows?
Glass
Great. I think that means we'll get a change in scenery soon.
Copper
Look up ahead.
Amber
The first thought that crosses my mind when I see them is how much they look like bones. Like the corpses that get left in the woods and animals and things pick all the meat off them. Two bridges. Black rusted metal supports sticking up past the chasm and creaking supports shooting all the way down to the bottom, wherever that is.
Copper
A toll bridge.
Glass
Two toll bridges.
Silver
I got a bad feeling about this.
Amber
There's a folk guarding them.
Glass
There's two folk guarding them.
Amber
Oh, yeah. Now I can see the other one. Can you tell Aster to stop doing that? It's creepy.
Glass
I can try. I don't know if they'll stop, though.
Copper
Do we talk to both?
Glass
Want me to go find out?
Silver
If you would, sweetheart.
Amber
Glass hops halfway out and sits on the edge of the open window. They look tiny compared to the two folk. They're a lot bigger than they looked from far away. Hulking piles of broken concrete and rebar. It gives me vertigo watching how fast they move, those giant creaking bodies.
Lefty
Hello, travelers.
Righty
Pleasure to see new faces on a humble street.
Amber
Not winters and not falls.
Glass
You both seem quite upbeat. I'm happy to have a moment in the fresh air.
Righty
Are you enjoying the weather?
Amber
Not a summer. No rhyme for air. Might be a spring, but they seem more unclaimed. I'm hoping Glass avoids answering that question, just to be safe.
Glass
I'm wondering if you two are excited for spring to come around.
Righty
Spring?
Lefty
Oh, we don't care one way or the other.
Righty
Don't traffic much with the houses.
Lefty
They're always bickering with each other and.
Righty
We'Re not keen on that.
Amber
Unclaimed it is.
Glass
You've got quite a nice chasm here.
Lefty
Thank you. We put it here so we'd have something to put our bridges over.
Glass
We're actually hoping to cross one of your beautiful bridges.
Lefty
Oh, you'd like to cross the bridge, would you?
Righty
Of course they'd like to cross the bridge. They just said that.
Lefty
I just wanted to make sure.
Righty
You always have to second guess everything, don't You.
Lefty
We don't need to do this in front of our guests, you know.
Amber
What are they talking about?
Glass
I have no idea.
Righty
Anyways, young masters, if you want to pass over the canyon, you'll first need to solve our riddle.
Glass
Ah, I do enjoy a good riddle. Tell me more.
Lefty
Well, one of these bridges is sound as a stone. Your little vehicle will pass over it just fine.
Righty
And one bridge is not so trustworthy. Try to cross it and you'll go plummeting into the abyss below.
Glass
Because it'll break.
Lefty
Because if you cross it, we'll pick up your car and throw it into the canyon.
Glass
Wouldn't want that.
Lefty
You may ask us one question, but be warned. One of us always tells the truth, and the other always tells lies.
Silver
I think I heard of this one before.
Amber
Me too. This sounds really familiar.
Righty
Always tells lies. What do you mean, one of us always tells lies?
Lefty
You know exactly what I mean.
Glass
What?
Righty
This is uncalled for. Uncalled for?
Lefty
You started it.
Righty
I do not think I started.
Glass
Friends, I'd like a moment's deliberation with my party. We would like to discuss the answer to your riddle.
Lefty
But of course. I wouldn't want to do anything to cause you discomfort in our domain.
Righty
Oh, implying that I would. What the hell?
Copper
So, does one always tell the truth and the other one lies?
Glass
I don't know. I don't think so. I was worried that if I asked, it would make them more upset.
Copper
What do we do?
Silver
I don't think we actually got a riddle. I think they were just fighting.
Amber
Okay, but is there a riddle?
Glass
I don't know and I'm scared to ask.
Amber
Wow, they are really ripping into each other.
Glass
Okay, I'm trying again.
Amber
Glass boosts up out the window again. The trolls are so big. They move too fast for their size. I think that something so large should have some kind of delay perspective or something, but they don't. It's uncanny. The cracks and breaks in the concrete making up their bodies suggest faces. Pieces of metal splintering out from the gray suggest teeth. They have eyes and brows and mouths, but they also don't. Shut up. Shut up.
Lefty
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
Righty
Hello again, young traveler.
Lefty
Yes, yes, hello. We were waiting ever so patiently.
Righty
Oh, were we?
Lefty
I was.
Righty
Interesting definition of patience you have.
Lefty
Shh. A human is listening. What? Ho.
Righty
Human?
Glass
Um, I wanted to make sure I perfectly understood the instructions you riddle.
Lefty
A thorough young person wants to make.
Righty
Sure they've got their shoes on the right feet.
Glass
Right. So please indicate to me if I am incorrect about the. There are Two bridges. One of the bridges is stable enough to cross safely, and the other is not. We can only ask you one question to find out which is the safe bridge.
Righty
Correct.
Glass
And one always tells the truth. And the other lies.
Righty
Now look what you've done. You've got a confused assumer.
Lefty
I was only trying to be honest. I thought they deserved to know about your tendencies.
Righty
You expect them to believe that you are the truthful one?
Glass
The lies and the truth.
Righty
Fame.
Glass
It's a red herring. There's something else we have to do.
Amber
How in the hell are we supposed to figure that out?
Copper
What if we just ask them which one is the right one?
Amber
Then they'll tell us the right one. Use your head, copper. It's not going to be that easy.
Silver
We got to stop them from fighting, don't we?
Glass
Seems that way, yeah.
Silver
You going to give it a shot? Smooth talker.
Glass
Yeah, I guess. I don't mean to intrude on your business, but I fail to see the reason for all the tension here. You have a beautiful set of bridges and a wonderfully complex riddle. And you're both a set of very imposing guards.
Righty
You're a very polite young person.
Lefty
I was thinking the same. Very polite.
Glass
See, I'm sure if we talk, we can find plenty that you agree on.
Righty
I certainly feel very valued right now.
Lefty
Are you saying that I do not value you?
Righty
If the shoe fits, wear it.
Glass
Pardon me. If I could just.
Lefty
Star Traveler appreciates me.
Righty
I'll appreciate you into the bottom of this.
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Lefty
It's about the lunch.
Righty
Is it?
Amber
Fantastic.
Copper
Amber, not helping.
Silver
You need backup?
Glass
Maybe.
Copper
Is it safe to get out of the car?
Silver
I reckon it is. They don't seem unfriendly.
Amber
They seem very large and unpredictable.
Glass
Nobody's telling you to get out, Amber.
Amber
Good. Cuz I'm not going to. Are you getting out too?
Copper
I just can't hear what they're saying from back here.
Righty
I can't hear you. La la la la la.
Lefty
You can hear me just fine. You don't have any ears, yet somehow.
Righty
You'Re still hurting them with all your.
Amber
Screeching and your shrieking.
Lefty
I wouldn't need to screech and shriek if you would stop being so easy to shriek.
Silver
Excuse me.
Amber
Hello?
Righty
Is that another one?
Silver
We would like a chance to solve your riddle, if you don't mind.
Lefty
We don't mind at all, human.
Righty
That's what we're here for.
Lefty
And for guarding the bridges so nobody.
Righty
Tries to cross without a riddle.
Silver
If I'm correct, we only get to ask one question to indicate which bridge is the one we could safely cross.
Lefty
Right you are.
Glass
And you'll give us a truthful answer, being both truthful folk yourselves and.
Righty
Oh, no, we never said that.
Lefty
We might be mostly truthful, but we never said we would be truthful right. Now, about this.
Amber
Screw this. I'm gonna go look at those bridges.
Narrator
Wait.
Copper
I don't want to be by myself.
Silver
Copper, over here.
Glass
So even if we ask the perfect question, you might not tell us the truth?
Lefty
Of course not.
Righty
Where's the fun in that?
Amber
I look around. I pace along the canyon. Not close to the edge, obviously. I don't try to pass the giant trolls guarding the bridges. But I get close enough to get a good look. I check the supports, the wooden planks for driving across. There's graffiti on one. I can't tell if it's regular graffiti or if it's a sigil or something. But it doesn't matter either way, because once you get a look at the other bridge, there it is again. Exactly the same.
Copper
What? What did you see?
Amber
The bridges. They're identical.
Silver
Of course they are.
Amber
Do you have a better idea? At least I'm trying something.
Lefty
Hey, now, young travelers, there's no reason to fight.
Righty
These are strange times for you lot. You have to try and get along.
Silver
You're right, Amber. We all need to think.
Copper
What if we just ask them which it is and try figuring it out based on their reaction?
Amber
That is a terrible idea.
Glass
Yeah. There has to be a better way. It wouldn't be riddle if it didn't have a right answer.
Copper
Silver.
Silver
I think I remember something about asking one guard what the other would say.
Copper
If we did that, wouldn't they just start fighting again?
Glass
We've gotta work around fighting. I don't think they're gonna stop.
Silver
Let's keep talking to them. They'll have to spill some more information at some point.
Glass
Then nobody ask a question. They might twist it to be our only one.
Amber
Got it?
Copper
Got it.
Glass
Thank you for your patience with us.
Righty
Take all the time you need, little meat creatures.
Glass
We noticed the bridges both look identical.
Lefty
That is correct.
Righty
If you could see the difference, it wouldn't be much of a riddle, would it?
Glass
I also noticed that there are no cars at the bottom of the canyon. That might imply that you haven't seen other travelers. At least not for a long while. No.
Righty
We've seen several bands of travelers in.
Lefty
Cars, on foot, on bicycles. Some of them pass, most of them don't.
Righty
But when they don't, we don't just leave the trash down there.
Lefty
What do we look like, humans?
Righty
We turned them into dust when they hit the bottom.
Lefty
Yeah, I wanted to turn them into dirt.
Righty
If we keep turning them into dirt, the wildflowers might take root down there.
Lefty
What did the wildflowers ever do to you, huh?
Righty
One of them called me ugly once.
Copper
Please. Fighting won't help either of you.
Amber
Won't help us either.
Righty
Look what you've done. You're upsetting our guests.
Lefty
I have never upset anyone.
Glass
Right. If we could just ask for a chance to submit our questions.
Copper
You're upsetting me.
Righty
You're upsetting me right now. Look at how hard I am.
Lefty
You can't just blame me for all your problems, you know.
Righty
Just try and stop me then. Why don't you?
Lefty
Maybe I will. Maybe the moment our fine guests leave, I will stop you once and for all.
Righty
You can't stop me once and for all. You'd have nobody to do the riddle with.
Amber
I have half a mind to say screw the riddle and drive off the cliff myself.
Copper
Amber.
Amber
What, Copper? Do you have a half decent idea? Finally. I'm all ears.
Glass
Guys, if we could all just take a second.
Amber
Yeah, so you can call up Aster to bail you out again.
Glass
All of us.
Amber
I didn't trade my soul for magic, though, okay?
Glass
Maybe I should take a page out of your book and just be nasty at every problem instead, then shouldn't I?
Copper
Can you stop fighting? You're making my head hurt.
Amber
Can you stop being 12?
Righty
I'm not tweeting.
Silver
Hey, listen, y'all. Once we got some food in us.
Amber
You ate all our snacks, didn't you?
Lefty
Maybe if we all just.
Righty
Perhaps we could take a moment and.
Glass
Wait a second.
Silver
I didn't eat all our snacks. I only ate the crackers.
Glass
I can't believe you ate all our snacks. What, do you want us to starve?
Silver
Why are y'all ganging up on me?
Copper
Listen, young friends, you've got no reason to be ganging up on anybody. Glass, you've been talking this whole time?
Glass
I've only been talking the Whole time. Because none of you would get out of the car.
Lefty
It seems like things are getting a little unpleasant. Maybe we should all.
Amber
Yeah, Copper's right. You're too buddy buddy with them. It's like you want us to get into trouble.
Silver
I don't understand why everyone's hollering.
Amber
Just roll with it.
Silver
You know, I'm sick and tired of y'all bickering away in my backseat.
Narrator
Your backseat?
Amber
I've done more maintenance on that car in six months than you've done in your whole life.
Copper
It's our car. We share it.
Glass
If we share the car, maybe we should share it all the way to the bottom of this cliff, huh?
Silver
Yours, of course.
Amber
So. Hungry enough?
Silver
Everybody in the car. We're going over the cliff.
Glass
Ooh, that's a wonderful idea.
Amber
I don't want to be alive anyway.
Lefty
Hey, just a minute.
Righty
Now, travelers, there's no need to take drastic measures, is there?
Glass
Thank you for your hospitality, but we will be taking matters into our own hands. Adios.
Lefty
Please stop fighting. It makes me very uncomfortable.
Righty
Yeah, just take the eastern bridge.
Lefty
Take the eastern bridge. It's the safe one.
Righty
Just please stop yelling at each other.
Lefty
We really do not like it.
Righty
Anything we can do to get you to stop fighting?
Glass
So it's the east one?
Lefty
Yes.
Amber
Yes, it is.
Righty
Are you okay now?
Glass
I think we are okay now. Thank you for your help. We wish you well.
Lefty
We wish you well.
Righty
To travelers, please do not yell at each other.
Glass
Wow. I can't believe that actually worked.
Copper
You were getting so.
Silver
I don't remember the last time I yelled that.
Amber
I actually was kind of mad when we started.
Glass
Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of that. I'm just really hungry.
Silver
I'm sorry, too, y'all. I didn't mean to lose my temper.
Copper
Sorry, guys.
Amber
I really need something to eat and I'm sorry.
Silver
We'll find something soon.
Amber
Soon as we're out of the rock.
Copper
Ocean and it's goodbye to Helen and Molly and Sue. Away Ryo those that are listening, it's.
Amber
Goodbye to you and we're bound for.
Glass
The Ryo Grant and it's away Rio.
Copper
Away Rioting for.
Narrator
Hymns of the Road is a podcast with written and Produced by Anna McGuire. Starring Maurice Thomas as Silver, Pao Pong and Eban as Glass, Grizz Siebenek as Amber, Tabitha Bardal as Copper, and featuring Gianni Matrigrano as Righty and Tosh Ritter as Lefty. Original music by Joshua David Mitchell. This episode's hymn is Away Ryo by the Jolly Rogers. Sign up for our newsletter@hodgepodgeaudio.com or support our work on Patreon.com Hodgepodgeaudio thank you for listening.
Advertiser
Stay warm and save every day. All in the Fred Meyer app get tender USDA Choice boneless chuck roast for $5.99 a pound, then get 2 liter bottles of Coca Cola, Pepsi or 7Up for $1.49 each, all with your card and a digital coupon. Shop these deals at your local Kroger Today or click the screen now to the Fred Meyer App to save big today. Fred Meyer Fresh for everyone. Prices and product availability subject to change. Restrictions apply. See site for details.
Hymns for the Road - Episode 22: "Two Guards"
Release Date: January 27, 2025
Host/Author: Hodgepodge Audio
In Episode 22 of "Hymns for the Road," titled "Two Guards," listeners are transported further into the perilous yet enchanting journey of four survivors navigating a magical apocalypse that has transformed America into a fantasy wasteland. The episode unfolds with the group—Silver, Glass, Amber, and Copper—embarking on a critical juncture of their road trip, setting the stage for a tense encounter that tests their wits and unity.
As the survivors traverse the desolate landscape, they spot an imposing canyon featuring two seemingly identical bridges guarded by two formidable entities, Lefty and Righty. The duo presents a classic logic riddle:
“One of these bridges is sound as a stone. Your little vehicle will pass over it just fine. And one bridge is not so trustworthy. Try to cross it and you'll go plummeting into the abyss below.”
— Lefty [05:24]
The riddle stipulates that the group can ask only one question to determine the safe passage, with the added complexity that one guard always tells the truth and the other always lies. The initial interaction is marred by tension as Lefty and Righty engage in a heated argument, complicating the survivors' efforts to glean useful information.
The group's attempt to parse the riddle is thwarted by the guards' incessant bickering. Amber expresses frustration, highlighting the monotonous and oppressive environment:
“It wouldn't be so bad if there was something more to see outside the car. It's just brown. Not even a nice brown. It's the kind that looks sick if you stare at it too long.”
— Amber [02:16]
Silver and Amber acknowledge familiarity with the riddle, suspecting it's a common trope:
“I think I heard of this one before.”
— Silver [06:20]
Despite recognizing the riddle, the group's efforts are derailed as Lefty and Righty's conflict intensifies, forcing Glass to reconsider their approach.
As tensions mount between the guardians, the survivors contemplate their dwindling options. Copper suggests a straightforward approach:
“What if we just ask them which it is and try figuring it out based on their reaction?”
— Copper [13:04]
However, Amber quickly dismisses this idea, emphasizing the unpredictability of the guards:
“Then they'll tell us the right one. Use your head, copper. It's not going to be that easy.”
— Amber [13:06]
Realizing that direct questioning may exacerbate the situation, Silver proposes an alternative reminiscent of classic logic puzzles:
“I think I remember something about asking one guard what the other would say.”
— Silver [13:10]
This strategy aims to circumvent the guards' deceit by leveraging their conflicting natures, potentially revealing the safe bridge through their interactions.
The group cautiously resumes dialogue with Lefty and Righty, employing Amber's disruptive tactics to distract the guardians:
“Screw this. I'm gonna go look at those bridges.”
— Amber [11:54]
Her actions successfully shift the focus of Lefty and Righty, leading them to inadvertently provide the necessary information. Amidst the chaos, the group discerns that the eastern bridge is the safe passage, validated by one of the guardians:
“Take the eastern bridge. It's the safe one.”
— Lefty [17:33]
Relieved yet exhausted, the survivors express gratitude and apologize for the earlier turmoil:
“I think we are okay now. Thank you for your help. We wish you well.”
— Glass [17:40]
With the safe bridge identified, the group prepares to cross, reflecting on the episode's events and their internal conflicts:
“Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of that. I'm just really hungry.”
— Glass [18:35]
“I really need something to eat and I'm sorry.”
— Amber [18:36]
Their unity is reaffirmed as they acknowledge the challenges ahead and the bonds that hold them together despite adversity. The episode concludes with them setting their sights on the eastern bridge, ready to continue their journey through the mystical and dangerous remnants of America.
“It wouldn't be so bad if there was something more to see outside the car. It's just brown. Not even a nice brown.”
— Amber [02:16]
“You're too buddy buddy with them. It's like you want us to get into trouble.”
— Amber [16:08]
“One of us always tells the truth, and the other always tells lies.”
— Lefty [06:11]
“We'd have to find something to put our bridges over.”
— Lefty [05:16]
“I'm getting hangry.”
— Amber [02:09]
"Two Guards" delves deep into themes of trust, deception, and teamwork in a world where survival hinges on quick thinking and adaptability. The episode masterfully blends classic logic puzzles with character-driven drama, showcasing how interpersonal conflicts can both hinder and inadvertently aid problem-solving. The dynamic between the survivors underscores the importance of communication and collaboration, especially when faced with enigmatic challenges.
Episode 22 of "Hymns for the Road" offers a compelling mix of suspense, humor, and emotional depth, keeping listeners engaged as the survivors navigate both external threats and internal discord. The resolution of the riddle through unconventional means highlights the podcast's dedication to creative storytelling within its richly imagined post-apocalyptic setting.
For more episodes and to support Hodgepodge Audio, visit hodgepodgeaudio.com or join their community on Patreon.