340 Ready to Reclaim Your Attention? ADHD Professor Reveals Brand New ADHD Accountability Cycle

Summary

Podcast Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast

Episode 340: "Ready to Reclaim Your Attention? ADHD Professor Reveals Brand New ADHD Accountability Cycle"

Host: Kristen Carder
Guest: Dr. Nahi Felt, Columbia Professor, ADHD Expert, Author
Date: October 7, 2025

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Overview

This high-energy, insightful episode welcomes back Dr. Nahi Felt, a Columbia psychology professor and ADHD expert, to discuss his brand-new "Cycle of Accountability" for ADHDers. Through personal stories, practical frameworks, and honest conversation, Kristen and Dr. Felt explore why focus can be such a struggle for ADHD adults, how to break out of avoidance and ambiguity, and why true progress is rooted in acceptance, clarity, and authentic relationships. Dr. Felt also previews his upcoming book, Clear Headed, which distills his cycles into actionable steps.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Reintroducing the Cycles: Ambiguity, Agency, and Accountability

Dr. Nahi Felt recaps his influential models, now expanded into a trio of cycles to support ADHD brains.

[02:26] – What Are the Cycles?

• Cycle of Ambiguity: Where most ADHDers get stuck. The brain is overloaded with incomplete, scattered information, causing agitation and avoidance.
• Cycle of Agency: The antidote; about acceptance, clarity, and then taking empowered action.
• Cycle of Accountability (NEW): Dr. Felt’s latest addition, designed to zoom out and align personal values with life choices.

"If you view your brain as an air traffic control tower and every piece of data as an airplane, there's just a lot of stuff going on."
— Dr. Nahi Felt [03:35]

2. Deep Dive: The Cycle of Ambiguity

[02:52–11:53]

• ADHD brains scan for threats—seeking love, safety, acceptance (see Dr. Harlow’s monkey studies [07:41]).
• Chronic ambiguity leads to anxiety and agitation, which many respond to with avoidance.
• Buffering is a common coping tactic—scrolling, napping, eating, anything to escape present discomfort (09:25).

"The greatest addiction known to mankind is avoidance."
— Dr. Nahi Felt quoting Dr. Jud Brewer [10:39]

3. The Cycle of Agency: Acceptance, Acuity, Action

[11:59–28:08]

A. Acceptance:

• Being able to see and accept yourself—your good, your flaws, your whole self.
• Many ADHDers struggle because they’ve "never been accepted. It's a language they don’t yet know." [14:21]
• Acceptance often emerges first in validating relationships (therapists, coaches, friends).

B. Acuity (Clarity):

• "Zoom out to zoom in" — see the big picture, then focus on what matters right now.

C. Agency (Action):

• Feel empowered to DO the thing. Practical tricks (e.g., "just write the first sentence," up the incentive or lower resistance) are all about overcoming the barrier to starting.

"People who start the damn thing are so much more likely to finish the damn thing."
— Dr. Nahi Felt [27:27]

4. The Brand New: Cycle of Accountability

[28:41–60:16]

A. What Is It?

• Not the punishing “accountability” ADHDers may dread, but "authentic accountability": holding yourself to what truly matters in your life, not external standards.

"The cycle of accountability helps you use the cycles of clarity responsibly."
— Dr. Nahi Felt [31:45]

B. The Four A's of Accountability:

1. Alignment:

   • Know what you truly value. ("What do you really, really want?" – think Spice Girls) [32:24]
   • Example: The "Crepe Fiasco"—a high-stress family moment that clarified his core value of responsibility [33:34–38:49].

2. Accountability:

   • Now that you know your values, you can hold yourself to them—not just tasks, but identity.
   • Internal rather than external accountability is more sustaining.

3. Attention:

   • Where attention goes, energy flows. "Your attention is you." Recovery begins by reclaiming your own attention [43:10–46:12].

   "You are your attention. It's like mind blowing...reclaim your attention, take it back. It's yours. You own this."
   — Dr. Nahi Felt [45:17–46:12]

4. Attachment:

   • Presence triggers authentic attachment and connectedness to others.
   • True self-attention feeds loving relationships; likewise, being seen and loved helps build self.

"The more you pay attention to you, the more you, you become, which means the more present you are in your life."
— Dr. Nahi Felt [46:35]

5. Why Safety & Relationship Matter

[48:11–61:39]

• Relational "safety" = being seen, accepted, and held (not just by others, but eventually by yourself).
• If you’ve never experienced safety or loving attachment, seek it wherever possible. Sometimes this means “renting” the relationship with a therapist or coach.
• Once you have even one relationship where you feel truly seen, it impacts your ability to be “you” everywhere.

"If you have to pay for it, do it. Some people have relational privilege and other people don’t...but the power of being accepted is huge."
— Kristen Carder [61:46]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On ADHDers and avoidance:
  "The greatest addiction known to mankind is avoidance."
  — Dr. Nahi Felt [10:39]

• On self-acceptance:
  "It's unfair. None of us did anything when we were so little to deserve feeling so unworthy."
  — Dr. Nahi Felt [14:34]

• On the value of presence:
  "You have a birthright to your attention. Take it back. It’s yours." — Dr. Nahi Felt [46:12]

• On renting relationships:
  "If you have the ability to pay for it, do it… I had to 'rent' several relationships. Some people have relational privilege and some don’t."
  — Kristen Carder [61:46]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:26]: Introduction of Clarity/Agency/Accountability Cycles
• [03:35]: "Air traffic control tower" metaphor for ADHD brain
• [10:39]: Avoidance as addiction
• [14:21]: Struggle with acceptance for ADHDers
• [27:27]: Importance of just starting
• [31:45]: Cycle of Accountability defined
• [33:34]: "Crepe Fiasco" story (alignment & values in action)
• [45:17]: “Your attention is you”
• [46:12]: Attention as self-realization
• [48:11]: Attachment & healing through relationships
• [61:46]: Paying for nurturing and acceptance when needed

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Flow of the Episode

• Warm, rapid-fire banter
• Clear, accessible breakdowns of psychological concepts
• Real-life stories (parenting, relationships, self-acceptance)
• Memorable analogies (air traffic control, the “Crepe Fiasco,” Spice Girls)
• Validation of ADHD struggles and the importance of community, therapy, and self-compassion

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Resources & Next Steps

• Book: Clear Headed by Dr. Nahi Felt (now available on Amazon)
• Coaching: Kristen’s FOCUSED ADHD membership for adults
• Takeaway: The journey to reclaiming attention and agency begins with compassionate self-acceptance, alignment to one’s values, and nurturing relationships—even if you need to “rent” them to start.

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This episode is essential for ADHDers who long for clarity, meaningful action, and authentic connection—offering both an empowering framework and emotional support for the lifelong process of reclaiming your attention and yourself.

Transcript

[Kristen Carter]

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast where it's all about education, encouragement and coaching for adults with adhd. I'm your host, Kristen Carter and I have adhd. Let's chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I'll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point point A to point B.

Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and so ready to roll. I'm here today with friend of the podcast, Dr. Nahi felt, and I'm so glad to welcome him back into the studio because the last episode that he was on got so much feedback from y'. All. I was getting emails, we were getting comments on the pod. So listen, we love that, we love the feedback. Drop a comment, ask us a question. Question. Ask Dr. Felt a question. He is here to serve and we have got a fire episode for you today. Dr. Felt is a Columbia professor, a loving husband and father of four, and an ADHD expert who has written a brand new book that he's here to talk about today. Welcome to the show.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Really great to be back.

[Kristen Carter]

So glad to have you. I anticipate a very fiery, fast paced conversation today. I am on my toes. I am ready to go. Ready to go.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

So now that means people don't have to access.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. That's so true. That is so true. So how are you?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Thank God. Really just happy. Settled.

[Kristen Carter]

Good. I'm so glad. Congratulations on the new baby.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yay. I know, she's delicious.

[Kristen Carter]

She is delightful. Delicious. I was looking at pictures earlier. She's walking already. Yeah. She's so beautiful. The last time that you were here, we talked about the cycle of clarity and the cycle of ambiguity or ambiguity first and then clarity. And it was so helpful to people. And I would just love to ask you to review those two cycles because I think it's something that we need to keep in the forefront of our brain as we are moving forward as people with ADHD who want to get.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Shit done a thousand percent. Yeah. So the overall, like, cycles are called the cycles of clarity. It starts off with the problem, which is the cycle of ambiguity where we often get stuck and can't get our stuff done. Then there is the cycle of agency, which kind of gives you that power to kind of get through. Like, think of it as like special agent. And then the newest cycle is going to be the cycle of accountability, which we'll get to.

[Kristen Carter]

Can't wait.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It's gonna be awesome. So I'm more than happy to start with the cycle of ambiguity just. Cause again, like, I know it's like we did this last time, but it's like one of those oldie but goodies. Because it's just our life every day, like where we start off with like our prefrontal cortex taking in like tons of data, right? Like almost like just any. Anything. Like the smell, sounds, sights, like everything is just coming in there. Our brain is like the supercomputer that takes in like vacuums up data and then like, what do you do with it? Yeah, where does it go? And so that kind of leaves us a lot of times feeling a little bit overwhelmed with all this, like, incomplete information. Because I didn't get all the details. I just kind of scanned it, noticed a little bit, kind of got it like a drop. Enough to kind of move.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

And so what ends up happening is that I have like all these like, airplanes swirling around my air traffic control tower. If you view your brain as an air traffic control tower and every piece of data as an airplane, there's just a lot of stuff going on. And we know what's been going on with those air traffic controlled hours.

[Kristen Carter]

Like, it's not great.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Not great.

[Kristen Carter]

It's not great.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

So that's like the ambiguity part where there's just like, confusion and you're not entirely clear of, like, wait, where's that plane supposed to go? And why is there a blackhawk helicopter here? Like, I just don't get it. Right? So like a lot of times it's just like, wait. Just trying to figure out our world. So that's the first part of the cycle of ambiguity.

[Kristen Carter]

Can I pause you there?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Please do.

[Kristen Carter]

Why do you think adhders live in such ambiguity? Like, why are we stuck there so often?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Tough question right out of the gate. Really, really great question. I could give you like, the like, neurological answer, right? Which is that our brain is pulling in data, scanning for threats. Would you like to ask me a follow up? Like, why?

[Kristen Carter]

Sure. Why?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

So that's where it gets a drop more complicated. See, people are complicated. So the one thing that's simple about us is that we're all looking for the same stuff. We just want to feel safe.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Loved and accepted.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

So in a, in a funny way, our brain is looking for that, right? For signs, symbols, hints that maybe here I could find safety. Maybe here I could find love. Maybe here I could find acceptance.

[Kristen Carter]

So that would be the Neurological answer.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Well, then when you asked me the deeper question, I got into the more psychological answer.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. Okay. So we live in ambiguity. We're scanning for threats. We're taking in a lot of information. Our brain is not necessarily processing it systematically.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah, for sure. Not in, like, a linear process.

[Kristen Carter]

Right, right, right.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

And, like, therefore, there's, like, tons of. Which also makes us, like, super zany and awesome. Yeah, we're just kind of awesome. Because our brain is so nonlinear. Because our brain kind of goes all over the place. We're out of the box. We're creative. We're just fun.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, great. So that's ambiguity.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yes.

[Kristen Carter]

Take me to the next step.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Okay, so then ambiguity leads to, like, this internal tension. Because, like, no one likes that feeling of, like, wait, what's going. I'm just. What. What's happening here? So that, like, internal tension I'm calling anxiety. It's not like a clinical anxiety. Don't have to get on Zoloft for that. I mean, it might help, but it definitely causes some sort of, like, internal tension. And the bigger issue is the discomfort. There's a certain discomfort with uncertainty. Like, the fancy psychological term would be uncertainty intolerance. Right. Not being able to handle uncertainty. And that's, like a yucky feeling. And none of us like that feeling.

[Kristen Carter]

Can I add another a word that might also work.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Frazzle our brains, but. Yeah.

[Kristen Carter]

Agitation.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yes.

[Kristen Carter]

I remember just feeling so agitated all the time. Just not peaceful, not calm, not settled, not grounded, but just this, like, internal restlessness, this agitation. And it was a little more on the anxious side, but that really resonates with me. Is this just, like, internal upset? Just this, like, agitated mode.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

And to suck all the life out of that. The DSM criterion of being driven by a motor.

[Kristen Carter]

Right.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

This idea of, like, oh, yeah, he's just, like. Doesn't stop. Yeah. Because our body's not stopping and our sensory input is going all over the place. It's. Yeah, it's. It's a lot. I like that word, agitation. It is. Yeah. We're agitated a lot. And I think the anxiety also makes sense because, again, that brain that's constantly scanning for love, safety and acceptance is. Is really, like, kind of worried. What happens if I don't get it? I may not be used to getting it. So, like, I'm kind of scared. My default is I might not. I might not get it.

[Kristen Carter]

Is that a human brain thing or is that specific to adhd?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It's a human brain thing. It's even, like, a Primate brain thing. Like, studies on attachment. Like, we're done with monkeys. Like, this crazy, crazy study which I got into, like, the YouTube spiral of death last night and was watching the studies by Dr. Harlow. Harry Harlow from Stanford University had a primate lab at a different university where he would have these little tiny baby monkeys. So cute. And they had, like, this, like, wire mom that had a milk like that. It would feed it. Right. Remember that crazy study? And then they had, like a. Right next to it, a cloth mother. So, like, they're both like a figurine. It's not an actual mom. Right. But one hat provided them with sustenance and the other provided them with comfort. And they found. And like, I watched it with my own eyes, right? These little tiny, yummy babies would go running to, like, the soft mama and then, like, cuddle up with it. And then whenever they needed food, they would kind of get their fill and run back and like they said it would, they would spend 17 of 18 awake hours with the cloth mother. So this isn't even like a human thing. This is like a living thing. Like a living thing. We all want to feel taken care of. We all want to feel security. We want to feel secure.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay, so we've got ambiguity, anxiety.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

And then the last one, which is the way we kind of most of us. I'll talk for myself. Right. The way I most often deal with that internal tension check out straight into avoidance. Like, it's the sweet relief of, like, my phone. Right. Or like, anything but what I'm supposed to actually be doing. Or anything that would help me avoid something that's judgment inducing?

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. I just did an episode with a client and she talked a lot about buffering, and I think.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Tell me more.

[Kristen Carter]

So buffering is a term that we use, at least in my coaching community, to describe. Do you remember when, like, it doesn't happen as much anymore, but like, oh.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

The spinning wheel of death.

[Kristen Carter]

The spinning wheel of death. You know, you would just have to kind of, like, wait while the website buffered and, like, got there. Like that.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Right. Or that loading line.

[Kristen Carter]

Exactly, exactly. And I think a lot of us ADHDers spend a good amount of time in that buffering zone. But what we use it to describe in my coaching community is more like anything that I do to take me out of the present moment and into, like, this holding pattern. So, like, the holding pattern is the buffering. So maybe it's scrolling Instagram, maybe it's eating or drinking or whatever the case may be.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Mine's a nap.

[Kristen Carter]

A nap exactly right. Like, if I can avoid and buffer for a little bit and not have to engage with reality, not have to engage with those feelings, not have to engage with the tension. It is such a relief. It is such a relief. It doesn't lead anywhere productive.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah, a thousand percent. I saw a spoiler, but it is a relief by Dr. Jud Brewer. I think he has a book called Unraveling Anxiety. And he has this really powerful line. He says the greatest addiction known to mankind is avoidance.

[Kristen Carter]

Ooh, that is powerful. And also, I don't like how much that is true for myself.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

I don't mind it. To me, it's liberating. I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's me. That's me.

[Kristen Carter]

Before. Someone with ADHD really has, like, an awakening or an understanding. I see the cycle of ambiguity that. That as being, at least for me personally, the way that I spent decades of my life.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

That's the way I still sometimes spend days of my life.

[Kristen Carter]

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

I'll be scrolling through, like, I don't know, like, supposed to be writing my book. Right. And I'll be cleaning up, doing laundry. Like, like, me. My wife's really happy. Like, sweet. But, like, this is not what I should be doing right now. This is not the best use of my time. And it's. It's really. Yeah. That avoidance of. Of potential judgment, of, like, even myself judging myself, that, like, I'm gonna be sitting there in front of the screen going, I don't even know how to make this make sense. Oh, my God.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep, yep, yep, yep. So walk me through the next cycle.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Sure. The next cycle is really kind of like the antidote, like the way to kind of like the solution. Right. So if the cycle of ambiguity is our problem cycle. Right. So then the next cycle is the solution cycle. You're smiling.

[Kristen Carter]

I just am excited to hear about it.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It's awesome. So it starts with something really deep and not so sexy. Acceptance. Being able to accept yourself. The way I kind of define authentic acceptance is being able to accept, see and accept all of our. The good. Because we have a lot of good. Like, let's not knock ourselves the bad. We're very aware of that. And everything in between, like, all of us, the entirety of us is. Is really someone who's still trying to show up. Right. Even with all of our fears, even with all of our failures, we're still trying to show up, and that person is worthy of being seen. So that's that first stage. It's not so sexy because it's not a go get them kind of thing. It's more of like a kind of internal chill. I usually recommend doing that with like a three, six breathing, like three seconds in through your nose. I'm going to do one now because last time it really helped. And then six seconds out through my mouth. See, I already feel better. This idea of, like, kind of grounding ourself in our own reality that, like, when you zoom out to see the bigger picture, which is what you're gonna do in the next stage. Right. Of acuity, right? You. It's like, it's the real truth. People often say, oh, you're just like, you're telling me to lie to myself. No, I would never tell you to do that. You can't build a foundation on a lie. You just can't. You can't build a life on a lie. I mean, you could, but it unravels really fast, right? This is not a lie. This is the truth. It's an uncomfortable truth because with that truth comes responsibility. When you're able to see yourself as someone who is capable, who is able to get stuff done because you have done some things right. You're still here now. You're still alive, still fighting, you could do something. It's an uncomfortable truth. Yeah, it is. And it's not like this balm that's going to be feel good and then like, oh, yeah. It doesn't provide that instant relief of avoidance, but it does provide something deeper, like a real soothing and a real being seen.

[Kristen Carter]

I find that acceptance is one of the biggest barriers for my clients because.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

They'Ve never been accepted. It's a language they don't yet know. And, like, learning any new language, it takes time.

[Kristen Carter]

Makes me so angry. I get angry when you say that because I know it's true. And it makes me so, yeah, angry.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

That makes sense because it's unfair. Anger is our response to injustice, and it's not fair. None of us did anything when we were so little to deserve feeling so unworthy. And because it's a new language, we don't even know the words. We could say the words but with an accent or not even knowing what they mean. It doesn't fit. It's trying to speak a different language, but you're saying the right thing on whatever Google app told you, but it's just not. You're not communicating. In a way, yeah, I agree with you. I would lean into that injustice because it really isn't fair. It really isn't. I hate when patients tell me, yeah, yeah, my dad, you know, disciplined. He would hit me, but, like, only when I deserved it. What the. What does that even mean when you deserve that? Which child deserves to be beaten? Which child? Tell me which child. Oh, they were really bad. They. They lit the school on fire. Yeah, that. That. That's something that you should really look into and see what's going on. When a child is doing something really abnormal, there's an even greater impetus inside that child. Figure it out. What's that pain? What's pushing them? What's happening? Understand this child. Don't just beat them into compliance.

[Kristen Carter]

So many feelings.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah.

[Kristen Carter]

The ability to build acceptance requires being accepted. And I think that's why a relationship with somebody like you, with a professional, with a coach, with a therapist, maybe those types of relationships can be really important in setting the foundation for acceptance. Because for some people, it's the first time that they've felt seen and accepted at the same time.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah, you unlocked my cab driver story. Cab driver story is when I was in. We were getting. Coming back from the airport over our summer break, and my wife has this thing where she always tries to convince the cab drivers to convince me to move there. And so he's, like, trying in his broken English to get me to move in. He's like, oh, what do you do? So I said, I'm a psychologist. He goes, ah, I'm also a psychologist. I said, really? He goes, yeah. You know, people, they come, they tell me their stories, right? Their pain, you know, their struggles. He's like, but it's very heavy. It's very heavy for me. I. It's too heavy. And I said, you know, it's not that heavy for me. I said, you and I are very different. You're only seeing their pain. You're only feeling the weight of their problem, and then that's it. You drop them off at the airport and they fly away with the rest of their story. And you never know how that story ended, but I do. And I've seen it a thousand times. Because in your problem, I also see your solution. I also have seen you overcome that. I've seen so many people in your situation overcome that. Right. You're smiling because I bet you have that. We are like. We see the whole picture, and we see this person as just in a. Like, kind of in that spot, in that bigger journey. We see their success already before they've even seen it.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep. Yep. Yeah, you're so right. And walking side by side, so to speak, with someone in that journey is the greatest gift it's the greatest gift.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It's like being a guide, right? Like. Like those Mount Everest guides. Yeah, These guys, like, they're climbing up Mount Everest every day. It's just like clocking in at work. I gotta take up these six British guys who want to feel awesome about themselves, right? And then, like, no one puts them in the Guinness Book, right? But then the, you know, they're like, yeah, go to the top. Meanwhile, who got you there? Right? Someone who's been there a thousand times. And I kind of view ourselves as that. Like, we're that guide. We've climbed that mountain a million times, and we've helped so many other people climb that mountain too.

[Kristen Carter]

That's so good.

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I'm obsessed. Okay. Get to the next. So I think so we did acceptance. Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

That's the foundation that allows you to then. Right? Just. Even on a. On a biological level, it's a neurophysiological calm, right? You're like reducing that arousal, that fight or flight in you, and you're just like. And when the stress kind of. When like we kind of lower those levels in us, we're then able to actually, like, think and our brain comes back online and you can do the next stage, which is acuity. Acuity is a hard word. It's really just clarity. But I needed it to start with an A.

[Kristen Carter]

Of course.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Right? So, duh. So acuity is what I call zooming out, to zoom in. So where you zoom out to see the whole picture. Okay, crap. I have this appointment, right, That I gotta get to and I'm late. All right? My kid needs to get out to the bus. Like, okay, zoom out, zoom out. Let's say I come a couple minutes late. End of the world. I'll apologize. I'll probably give him like a couple of minutes afterwards and then push back everyone after the rest of the day, right? But that's all right until my Break. And I'll eat until probably lunchtime. But after three or four, like, clients, right, I should be back on track, Right? But meanwhile, my kid, right? If I lose it now and start, like, getting all, like, you gotta get out. You gotta get out and dragging them out, shaming them into getting out to the bus on time. Like, what's so, like, zooming out to see the bigger, bigger picture allows you to zoom back in, to focus on what do I need to be doing right now, what's best for me now, what do I really want to be doing in this moment here. So that's what acuity is. It's that zoom out, to zoom in, being able to zoom out, see the big picture. And again, this is what I was saying with acceptance, like, just even zooming out on yourself, like, on a macro level, like, hey, am I really that dumpster fire? I really feel like I need.

[Kristen Carter]

Have I physically harmed anyone in the last week? No. Okay. I'm doing all right. Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah. That's fair. And even if you did, like, that's something to kind of introspect on it, to kind of be like. I'm saying, I. I just met someone this week who did that, and he cried. He cried in his car about, like, you can't believe he's such a horrible person. That's really beautiful. Like, to me, like, the fact that, A, you're cried about it, B, that you're sitting here telling me about it, not just, like, pushing it down into your subconscious. Right. Or trying to avoid it.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

That's brave. That's huge. To man up and look at the ugliest part of you.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Oh, my God. Right? That's just so strong. That's so beautiful. That's. That's so human.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay. And then acuity leads us to agency.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Now, agency is like this idea of, like, having power, right? So an FBI agent, right? It means I have the age. I'm an agent of the state. I have the power of the state. I have the power of whatever it is that I'm representing. So the reason why I call it the cycle of agency and not the cycle of acceptance actually always bothered me because really, it is all about acceptance. Or it could always be about acuity, but the real answer is because this is all nice, but I just want to be able to do the stupid thing.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

So that's why it's called agency, because this is what gives you that energy, that boost to be like, all right, damn it, now, I could do it, right? Once you zoom that and you Realize, okay, it's not so crazy. So I'll be late. I'll be late. All right. I'll be late. All right, sweet. All right, honey, where are your shoes? All right, let me help you out. You can't find your other one? All right, let's do this. All right. I'm not gonna shame you into like, why didn't you leave it by the door? Right? Let me help you out. I'm going to help you out. It's okay. We got this, right? Also now I could do it. I could be the me I wanted to be. So that's the agency. It's called the cycle of agency because it gets you to where you really want to be.

[Kristen Carter]

I'm really glad you said that because I think everyone listening just wants to do the dang thing. They just want to be able to do the thing. And so sitting to two.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Sitting.

[Kristen Carter]

Sitting and listening to two people who are kind of like obsessed with these ideas. And just like, I could talk about acceptance all day long and what it takes to, like, build self acceptance. And I think sometimes the listener might just be like, can you just tell me how to do the thing? And like, of course we know that those are the steps. So it's like, okay, if you want to do, like, let's back it up. If you want to do the thing, if you want to have the agency, you need the acuity, which means you need the acceptance, right? So it's like building on everything and that's how you do the damn thing.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Which gets us to the last A of that cycle of agency, which is the action. Yeah, you just gotta do it sometimes. Nike nailed it here. Just do it. Right? Once you, like, have that clarity of, oh, right, this is what I need to do. Just do it. Yeah, just do it. Ari Tuckman has a great line in his book the ADHD Guide to Productivity, or the ADHD Productivity Guide he calls the best way to start is to start. Right? Just start starting. That's it. Start, start. It doesn't matter how. Right. In fact, like, I often say that all of my, like, shticks and tricks are just to help you start.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Like, remember I think we spoke about self seduction last time? Right. Being able to seduce yourself to do it either by, like, the two levers of human behavior. Right? So it's either you increase the incentive or you make it like, oh, this is going to be awesome. Right. Or you, you reduce the resistance. All right, listen, I'm just going to do the first sentence of the report. That's All. And then I could go for a snack.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Right. So the idea is all these tips and shticks, the cycles, all that is just to get you to start the damn thing. Because get this funny statistic, people who start the damn thing are so much more likely to finish the damn thing.

[Kristen Carter]

Really crazy, right? Is there data on that? Yeah. It's so good and it's so true. And the cycle of ambiguity is just what can keeps us stuck and in avoidance and just in that anxiety of just like, I just need to do it, but I can't do it. And it's so pervasive in our lives and if we can just like move through the cycle of agency, there's just a lot of ace.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It's.

[Kristen Carter]

You have to admit.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

That's why when you said agitation, I was like, oh my God, it's overloaded. System overload. System overload.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

That's so good.

[Kristen Carter]

That's so great.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

When someone told me I should call this the A team, I'm like, no, no, no, come on, it would be funny.

[Kristen Carter]

That would be pretty fun.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It would be. But then I would have copyright problems.

[Kristen Carter]

Or tea, like on the book cover.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It would be hilarious.

[Kristen Carter]

That would be pretty fun. So you've recently added a cycle to the mix.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yes.

[Kristen Carter]

Tell me what's important about the next cycle we're going to talk about.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Okay, so before we even start, I just want to give a shout out to Chandra, my book editor and guide. She was going through my table of contents and obviously I had a million A's. And she's like, so this last set of A's, is that like a third cycle? And I'm like, wait a minute. Damn it, you're right.

[Kristen Carter]

Oh my gosh, that's so great.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

There are more A's out there. And I was so, so excited. Then on the like 16 hour plane ride to our summer vacation, I was just pacing up and down the airplane holding my baby, just like going through it and just like also shout out to all the random passengers on Flight 216 who allowed me to just like kind of just speak it out with them, like, you know, wherever they let us stand and congregate. So I was just like kind of pacing back and forth, like swirling these ideas together and. Yeah. Talking it out to random strangers who.

[Kristen Carter]

Again, as we do. As we do.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Right. I can't believe people put up with us. Yeah, but whatever. So that's where I realized that there's a third cycle that helps us just zoom out from just doing the damn thing. And Taking back our whole life.

[Kristen Carter]

I mean, that sounds delightful.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah.

[Kristen Carter]

Would you like to tell us about it?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah. So I call this on the cycle of accountability trigger word. Accountability.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, I'm already out.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah. Accountability is a bad word for many of us. It kind of feels like we instantly, like, cringe, like, oh, crap. What? I. What did I forget? But again, similar to acceptance. Right. Authentic accountability. The way I'm defining accountability is holding yourself accountable to what matters. Meaning when things matter, we do them. Like, you show up to work because the paycheck matters. Right. Like, you show up for your family because they matter. You. We often don't really show up for ourselves, but we should show up for ourself because we matter. Does that make sense?

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. Yeah, it really does make sense. And I'm curious, like, what has been your thought process throughout?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Hi. Basically what I was trying to wonder is, like, wait. So, like, it's great that we have this awesome cycle of accountability that explains why we screw up so much. Check. We have the cycle of agency to help us do the damn thing. Check. But how do we deal with this feeling of, what am I going to drop the ball next? When am I ever going to pull it all together? Am I living the life I want to live? Why do I not? I'm so busy, but I don't feel productive. My whole life is spinning so fast and I'm just like, where the hell am I going? Yeah, that was what was bothering me. That's the thought process behind it, is how do we get our life on track? Otherwise, it's great. You could use my cycle of agency to do a ton of things and avoid your family.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. That's so true. So the cycle of accountability helps you to do what matters most to you.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah. Or acute line I just thought of right now is the cycle of accountability helps you use the cycles of clarity responsibly.

[Kristen Carter]

Oh, that's good. That's good.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah, yeah, please use responsibly. So that's what that does is the cycle of accountability kind of zooms out and takes these powerful tools of the cycle of ambiguity and the cycle of agency and helps you kind of direct it towards what really matters.

[Kristen Carter]

So can you walk us through it?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Of course. Yeah. So again, brand new, so I may need a little bit of time.

[Kristen Carter]

This is so fun.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It's really fresh. First time ever being first time in public. Yeah. From plane.

[Kristen Carter]

You're hearing it here first, folks.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

So it starts off with alignment. Alignment is exactly what it sounds like. Think Spice Girls. Tell me what you want what you really, really want. Yeah, right. Like, what do you really, really want? It's called, like, a line. Like, you get your tires aligned, you know, they all have to, like, go in order so you can go where you need to go. It's the same idea, right? Which is identifying your core values, like, what really matters to me. And then that allows us to now have, like, an acuity, like, a zoom out of, like, where do I want to end up? Where do I want to zoom back into? So it's. It's trying to identify, like, what are your ethos? What are your personal ethos? What, like, who am I? What do I stand for? Mine, for instance, is truth, responsibility, and appreciation. Like, gratitude. It's interesting. Like, I have this story of called the creep fiasco. The creep fiasco happens.

[Kristen Carter]

The fact that you name your memories. The only way it is a memory. But you're like, listen, I gave it a name, and it's called the crepe fiasco.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

And now we have a relationship, and.

[Kristen Carter]

Now it's a thing. Go on.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

So the creep fiasco, again, also happened on summer vacation. Apparently, a lot of crazy things happen. Annual summer vacation. It's just an unstructured time when all things are, you know, off. Yeah. Summer vacations, vacations in general are just real vulnerable. So tough for me and my family. My God. Okay, let me just pull myself together. Like, yeah. Oh, my gosh. That unstructured. Like, oh, my God. Like, I get relieved when I come back home to the structure of, like, work. Oh, my God. Thank God. Get the kids on the bus. Like, oh, my God, I could breathe.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

So crepe fiasco is we were rushing to, like, one of these, like, tourist things, like, where you, like, you know, gotta see it. We're running there and we're late, and my wife's anxiety's flaring up. And, you know, like, I don't know why this always ends up, but, like, Ms. Anxiety marries Mr. ADHD. So I'm like, yeah, it's all cool. Got plenty of time. It's all good.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

And she's like. I'm like, they close in four minutes, right? So we're rushing there, and I thought of a brilliant idea to calm my wife's anxiety. Get this awesome husband hack ready. She loves crepes. There's a little cute bakery, boutique bakery on the way. Why don't we stop for a crepe? Brilliant. I know, knucklehead. But listen, you know, husbands, I just. Whatever we learn on the job, they never taught us. So there should be a license, by the way. You know, like, you have to do 50 hours before you get your driver's license. There should be at least 50 hours before you get your marriage license. I mean.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

So. But knowing obviously that there is. There's time pressure here. I thought, oh, I have a great idea. I took my phone, I slammed it on the counter. I said, could you do this in 90 seconds or less?

[Kristen Carter]

Right.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah, of course. What you want for you?

[Kristen Carter]

Of course.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

And he puts out. He's like, yes, I put the timer in 90 seconds. I said my wife was just 90 seconds. Right. And when you have a crepe, everyone will be happy and we'll still make it. Yeah. So we get to, like, clocks ticking, literally ticking. Right. The kids start crutching, and so I'm like, all right. They also sell ice cream here. We'll get everyone ice cream. All right. Very nice. They have this, like, cute thing where you put the ice cream on a cookie. Ooh. Yeah. For, like, $17. Like, I said, I couldn't get the conversion rate, so, like, I was just like, whatever, just get it right. Yeah.

[Kristen Carter]

Take all my money.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah. Swipe. So, but we get to, like, you know, like, around this, like, 60 second mark, it's already been a minute. I'm like, new. Are you guys ready yet? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A few minutes. You told me 90 seconds. That's not minutes. That's a minute and a half that you don't even get the S over there on the minutes.

[Kristen Carter]

Right?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

So he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So now I'm feeling stupid because it's.

[Kristen Carter]

It's all kind of starting to set in.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah. Yeah. Knucklehead. So I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but the way I get when I feel that, like, surge of shame when I. I know I screwed up, and it's undeniably, like, me, my fault. I kind of shut down or freak out. So in this case, I did an instant shutdown, which was like, oh, my God. Then blamed it, obviously, on them because it's their fault. They told me they could. They lied. Right. And. But at the same time, had enough radical honesty to know that it was. Yeah, right here. So I start losing it like. Like steam. You ever seen that person, like, bugging out in Middle street, and you're like, oh, kids, look away. Yeah, right? Yeah, that was me, you know, professor at Columbia. I was. I was that guy. Literally steam coming out of my ears and bugging out now. Like, I think my son, like, his ice cream Was, like, melting. And he didn't like the cookies. He's crumbling it everywhere. And, like, that's a $17 ice cream, dammit. And, like, crepe's not ready. We're getting later and later to this appointment, and I'm just freaking, like, the hell out. So I remember I'm, like, standing there, like, hyperventilating, like. Like a, you know, like a. An emotionally disturbed person. And I see my daughter looking at me, my oldest, like, just looking in her eyes, I saw the terror. She's like, what the hell is happening? And that was like the, like, flash of lightning. Oh, my God, they need me.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

These little babies, they need me. They need me. They need me to pull my you know what together and to be here to be present. And I did my 3, 6. Yeah. Probably look like a mad weirdo, but so worth it.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Kind of pulled myself together, right? Slammed some money on the counter and told him, keep the crepe. Yeah, we'll be moving on. We got an attraction to make. I don't know if I fully lived it down yet, but the lessons definitely stick with me. I think the cool part about that is that in that flash, right when I looked at her, it activated that core value of responsibility. I couldn't have gotten there without truth, right? Without that radical honesty. But it's not about the clarity, per se, as much as it's the connection to my values. This is who I really want to be. I want to be someone who's there for my kiddos. I want to be someone who's able to take ownership when he's screwing it up. And so it was that connection to my core values being aligned with me.

[Kristen Carter]

I feel like I felt every step of that story. It deserved a name. It deserved a name. Yeah. Yeah. Well worth it.

Everyone with ADHD knows what to do.

To improve their lives.

You go to bed at a reasonable time, you wake up early, you make.

A list, you cross things off the.

List in order, blah, blah, blah. Like, yeah, we know what to do, but adh. ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It's a disorder of knowing exactly what to do, but not being able to get yourself to do it. That's why I created focused. It's an ADHD coaching membership for adults with ADHD. I'm a life coach with multiple certifications, and since 2019, I've coached over 4,000 adults with ADHD from all over the world. I know what it takes to help an adult with ADHD go from Hot Mess Express. To grounded and thriving. I'll teach you how to understand your ADHD brain, regulate your emotions and your behavior, and accept yourself, flaws and all. And with this foundation, we'll build the skills to improve your life with adhd. And not only do you get skills and tools and focus, but you're surrounded by a huge community of adults with ADHD who are also doing the work of. Of self development right alongside of you. Dr. Ned Hallowell says healing happens in community. And I have absolutely found this to be true. So if you're an adult with ADHD who wants to figure out how to be motivated from the inside out and make real, lasting changes in your life, join hundreds of others from around the world in focused. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused to learn more. That's ihaveadhd.com focused to check it out.

Alignment and being able to connect to self in the midst of all of that chaos really shows. I mean, obviously I've not been a part of your growth or senior growth, but it shows how much you have, like, evolved and developed over time to be able to access self. And alignment to self in the midst of the chaos is a huge, huge skill.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah, I don't even know if it's a skill. A skill implies that it's something I do well, it's something I've done, but.

[Kristen Carter]

It'S something that a skill is something that you can learn and develop, wouldn't you say?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Touche. Yeah, you went on this one.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. Because, you know, for anyone who relates to being under nurtured or under parented, I think that the connection to self in those big moments or the like, that. That seems impossible. And so being able to access that eventually is something to really look forward to.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah, it's amazing. It really, like, it gives you back the gift of life, the gift of yourself. Like, you now are living your life. Like, even if you just took alignment, like, even if, like you walk away with he had some new cycle, something about like alignment or tires, I don't know what. Right. Just that I think is valuable. Just like aligning yourself with your values, getting clarity in what matters to you.

[Kristen Carter]

Huge. Just that what is the next step after alignment.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

So alignment. Right. Once you know what matters to you right now, you can hold yourself accountable. Because, like, that's where I want to be. Like, that's what matters to me. Remember the paycheck thing, Right? So now your values become that paycheck. Your values are like, that matters. I want that. I want to get there. And that's the beauty of this new authentic accountability is it's not. No one's forcing you to get here. Yeah, you could be a douchebag husband. You could be a negligent EDP father who loses it in public more often than once. Yeah, you could, right? It's your choice. Thank God you have free will, right? Great country, right? Free will. You could choose whatever you want, but here it's you choosing you. And so when we have alignment, we now have something to hold ourselves accountable to. To ourselves, to our values, to what really matters to us.

[Kristen Carter]

I'm obsessed.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

You should be. It's great. And then it gets even better. The next part is, once something matters to us, we pay attention to it.

[Kristen Carter]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

The third A is attention. So it goes from alignment to accountability to attention. Isn't that what we all want? Attention deficit. Right. Like we, we want that. We want attention. And this is where it gets super deep. Ready? I have this, like, little bit in my book called this is Not a Memory I'm naming. It's like a little bit the brain or body dilemma. The brain or body dilemma is like an imagine, like an imaginative scenario that unfortunately, some people do have to actually choose. But hopefully for everyone listening, this is just imaginary. Imagine the person you love the most in this world. Picture. Now that person's being taken to the hospital and the doctors tell you he or she, he is going to live. But we could only save the brain or their body.

[Kristen Carter]

Wow.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It's up to you. Which one.

[Kristen Carter]

I mean, I would save his brain in a second, right? Yep.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Especially if he could still touch, hug, listen, see and hear you. But what's crazy about this is even if he couldn't, right? Let's say when he loses his body, he loses it all. He can't see you, he can't hear you, he can't touch you. What would you choose?

[Kristen Carter]

Oh, seeing here would be tough.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Think about it.

[Kristen Carter]

I mean, can he talk to me? No, This. I don't want to choose. I'm opting out.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

He can know you. He can know you're there.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Remember, his brain is fully alert.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay? Yeah. Then I would still choose brain.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Which means that even though he can't give you a hug, can't give you a kiss, he can't even say or hear I love you, you'd still just want his presence. So, like, it's like mind blowing. Like the depth of like, how much our attention is us. Your attention is you. You are your attention.

[Kristen Carter]

I'm processing all of it. That is wildly deep.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

And it gets even crazier. If you think of attention deficit disorder, it means that it's a self deficit disorder. We're not here. We're not present in our own life. We're all over. We're the funniest person in the world and we do so many things and we accomplish so much, but we're not here. It's not us. There's no self yet. Until we align ourselves with who we are and align ourselves with who we want to be and hold ourselves accountable to us, then and only then can we pay attention to us. And our attention is us. You are your attention. It's like mind blowing to like realize that like advertisers know this. They spend millions to get your attention. Because then they get you reclaim your attention, take it back. It's yours. It's yours. You have a birthright to your attention. It's yours. You own this and only you can give it away.

[Kristen Carter]

You have a birthright to your attention. How do, how does somebody with ADHD with attention deficit disorder navigate or hold that truth that they have a birthright to their attention and yet there's a deficit there? It feels again, that sense of injustice is really coming up for me.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It's huge. Don't worry, there's a solution. The solution is the last part of this cycle of accountability, which is attachment. That when we start paying attention to ourselves, when we start being ourself, the more you pay attention to you, the more you you become, which means the more present you are in your life and in the life of those you love, and then it becomes a positive feedback loop. The more present you are for the him in your life, right? For those special people in your life, you're going to get it right back. You give is what you get. And like, as you can be more you, they'll give it back to you. Like they'll appreciate having more of you there. They'll just like if you were the one in the hospital bed. They just want you. That's it. They don't want your accomplishments. They don't want your paycheck. They don't want your hugs and kisses. They just want you. They love you. Leaning into that love truth, that lived truth of love helps you feel that truth that you've never, you may for some people have never experienced before in their life. And this allows you to get that, that feedback that you do matter and that you are lovable. You're worth it, right?

[Kristen Carter]

Huge. You've been mentioning attachment a ton. Walk me through kind of like where you're at with what you're learning on attachment and why it's so important. So is the thesis that you're kind of working off that your attention is you, and it's not actually available to you without attachment in some ways.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Okay, full disclosure, right. You can develop attachment on your own. You can. It is. It is, I guess, physically possible, just a lot harder. I like quoting the Bible on this one because I think it's a. It's an irreverent use of it. But like the Bible in Genesis says, it is not good for man to be alone, meaning mankind, although probably mostly men, because those guys need to be watched. Let's be honest, women are fine, which is. It's not good for us to not have an attachment figure. If we've never had someone love us, if we've never learned that language of love and acceptance and safety, then, yeah, it will be very, very hard. But the good news is we live in a beautiful world filled with so many beautiful people. There are so many good people out there. Maybe it was your preschool teacher who just thought you were cute, right? They didn't have to deal with your tantrums at home, right? Or it was a third grade teacher that thought you were the most delicious kid in the class, right? Or a professor who was, like, wowed by your intellect, right? A clergy member, an uncle, an aunt, a cousin who was like a. You know, just were. They were stuck playing with you and ended up liking you, right? Just having one person, just one person, unlocks that language of love, unlocks that mental map. Because if you think about it, if we zoom out, how am I supposed to learn to love if I don't know? I've heard the song on the radio, right? But if you don't know what it means, if it's a language you don't know, how can you experience something that you don't know? You don't know what that is. You need to have tasted it. And so, again, thank God we live in a world filled with so many amazing, beautiful people who are trying their best, just like you. And all you need is one of them to kind of unlock that, to activate it in you. Just one person.

[Kristen Carter]

Do you think most people with ADHD identify as not having experienced love?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

I'm not sure. I don't know. I just know that a lived lifetime of never really fitting in, always kind of being a little bit off, a little bit different, could leave its scars like a lifetime of feeling like a misfit. I know. You tell me how's that gonna turn out?

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it is so unpleasant to exist in a world where no matter where you go, you just feel like you are performing, but not actually authentically you.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Because you're afraid to expose your real self.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Because you're afraid of that judgment. Right. Remember the scanning? Always scanning for threat, perceived threat. Like, you're afraid. What if they. They find out the real me, that I prepared this, like, literally four minutes before I walked in here? Or that, like, this is so last minute that, like, I don't even know what it says in here. Right. Like, it's scary. It's really scary. It's scary to. To be seen if you've never been seen with safety.

[Kristen Carter]

Talk to me about safety. I don't. I don't think that I'll speak for myself. Before I kind of, let's just be honest, went to therapy, I didn't understand the concept of safety. I thought it was frivolous. I kind of rolled my eyes when people said the word safety. I was just like, what do you even mean? What are you talking about? I understand now that I was very disconnected from myself and that I was in a lot of unsafe relationships that told me they were safe, because a lot of unsafe people like to tell you how safe they are in not so many words, you know, but the actions didn't match their words. And so I would love for you to describe what you mean when you say safety, because I'm not sure that everybody would really understand or, like, have a framework for that.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Good point. Yeah. I mean, it goes exactly like I was saying about language. We can know the words but not know the word, because it's really about feeling the word. That's the table, right? I could feel table, but like, love. How do you feel love if you don't have love if you never touched love or love never touched you? The answer is that safety is the experience of feeling seen. Like, all of you being seen and contained. That's it.

[Kristen Carter]

What do you mean by contained?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Seen and contained. Like, I have a delicious, yummy girl who is our very child, which means she has very emotions. She's either very excited. Right. Or very mad. And her feelings are very intense. I don't know if anyone could relate. And she is delicious. Right? And at the same time, this is a girl who needs to feel safety. She needs to feel that even when she's thrashing on the ground, kicking us, biting, screaming. No one loves me. Everyone hates me. I hate you. You're not my parents. Awkward. When she Says that on the bus. True story. So your name is Greg. It's not. I'm Nahi. And like in that moment, like I remember watching my wife who's like literally a goddess, like kind of doing what I advise parents. Right. I call this playful engagement. Right. Where you just like, she's like, oh, so daddy's Greg and what's my name? Gertrude. I like the G and G that matches. Right. Like she's kind of like entering her world. It means I'm seeing you in your ugliest, darkest moment.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

And I'm seeing you and I'm containing you. And I'm good, I'm okay with all of you. That, that's safety. Doesn't have to be on a beach, doesn't have to be in like some safe room.

[Kristen Carter]

Right.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

This was on the floor of a public bus in a different country. Yeah. Summer vacation again. How do you know? With her screaming, you're not my parents. Right. And like you're kidnapping me or like right. Nothing you ever want your kid to do in a foreign country, in any country.

[Kristen Carter]

Sure. What might an example be in an adult relationship of being seen and contained?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

I was going to give an awkward example that's not fair to share about my wife. So instead I shall do it about myself. I am also, I guess a highly sensitive person and have very extreme feelings. The. In a way. Right. I think the defining hallmark of our relationship is something actually inspired by your questionnaire. You have a question on your questionnaire, which was your relationship survey, where you asked what's one thing you would want to tell your spouse? And I'm sitting there filling it out at like 2am and I look over at my wife who's sleeping and I go, you know what? I would say this is more for me to spell it out. Otherwise it's gone. Like another one of the millions of thoughts in my head. I would say that the single most valuable gift you've given me is your acceptance of me. She's been with me through all of my very extreme emotions, my highly dysregulated self and in a way has able to kind of see all that and contain all that and not be okay with all that.

[Kristen Carter]

Sure.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

But contain it. Meaning she kind of accepted me. She accepted who I was. She accepted the good, the bad and everything in between. It's that experience of feeling accepted, being able to cry and be like a snively snot filled mess with grossness in your hair, like with your head sweating on his shoulder and still feel not like ugh Right. But like held and seen and accepted, that's safety.

[Kristen Carter]

That reminds me of an example, you know, as somebody with what I would have previously called very severe ADHD and not well treated, I really struggled in relationships and like friendships with women and there were times when I felt really close and connected. And then there were most of the times though I felt I was always on shaky ground and always had to like make sure like, are we good? Am I good? Did I say something wrong? And I, I did a lot of over explaining and I had one friend and still to this day she is my very dearest friend. She would text me after we would all go out and she would say like, it seemed like you were uncomfortable at this point, but I just want to let you know you were totally fine, you have nothing to worry about. And just like a reassurance, safety, like you're totally good, you don't have to worry about anything. And she did that enough for me to be like, okay, we are good. Like there is nothing that I can do that is going to like alarm her. Right. Or like, like okay Kristin, like that is too, like she's always just going to be very straight with me and, and just. Yeah, like to be known and accepted. Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

In a way what my wife says that she's like one of the like the defining features of like our relationship and what she really was attracted to me is that she's like, you're so honest that I don't think you could lie to me.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

And so that feels really safe because I know that I'm always going to know what you're feeling towards me. I'm always going to know. And in a way like that being straight, that being like honest, that radical honesty really provides safety.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. That's so beautiful. So just as a recap, how does attachment help us to have attention?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Brilliant. So let's go back to that last cycle of accountability. Right. So it started with that alignment with who and what really matters to us. Once we have that, that allows us to hold ourselves accountable by what matters to us. Right. Which then we pay attention to what matters to us because it matters to us. And then we become more present, more of ourself and then we are enhancing and developing our attachment to those people that matter to us, which then enhances our alignment. Because now I'm being held by these people and contained by these people. But that does for you is it allows you to not only connect with yourself but to now live your life by your values, to live with you. And now you could harness, right. The cycle of account of, of ambiguity through this lens of like, and I'm okay, even though I'm like totally going down like doom scrolling city, right? Like, I'm okay. Yeah. And I'm still good. I'm seen, I'm accepted. I know that there's someone in that other room who loves me and thinks, yeah, I'm great. Yeah, I hope he'll get that project done. Whatever, he's fine. Last minute or whatever. Right. And then when I have that, I could borrow from that. I could live off that. I could feel contained by that. To more easily and frequently lean into that cycle of agency, to accept myself and to zoom out and see the bigger picture that I'm okay, I'm good enough. The takeaway of like the whole cycles of clarity should be that one feeling of I'm good enough. Hmm.

[Kristen Carter]

It's so good just sitting with it. It's so good. What if people are listening and evaluating their relationships and they're thinking, I don't know if I have anybody or I have anyone to contain all that I am. I don't know if I have a safe relationship. What encouragement do you have for somebody listening who's a little bit fuzzy on that?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Great question. The first thing I would do is I would say breathe. Recognizing that you recognize that is already huge. Right. That means that there's a flicker of yourself in here that's starting to reawaken, that's trying to like, wait a minute, I matter. I matter and I want to feel like I matter. That is a tiny spark. That's huge. Huge. It allows you to start and then whatever you can do to fan the flames of your own self. Right. Either by, you know, looking at those people who do do that for you, hang out with those people more or even therapy or coaching, what I call rent the relationship. Right. Like that can help you develop it a little bit more. And so that it could give you back that gift of attention, that gift of yourself.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

The more you you can be, the more you could then feel that attachment, the more present you could be in your relationships. Really. I would say, like, do both an in and out. Like, look inside you, appreciate you, that you're feeling that and that you're starting to be aware of you, invest in you, and as you do that, right. Allow yourself to pull from the external, from outside, other things to feed that fire, to feed that flame. Said one day you could roar. You could be a real. Like, you could just be and feel good and feel accepted and feel like, you're you.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. I don't think that can be overstated that some of us have to pay for it.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It's not your fault.

[Kristen Carter]

I did.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Me too.

[Kristen Carter]

Hey, I did. I had to go rent several relationships. Some people have relational privilege and other people don't. And if you don't, that's okay. But if. If you are. If you have the ability to pay for it, do it. I remember even when I was going through a season of relational transition and just really trying to invest in myself and figure stuff out, I was even. I. I would get a weekly massage. I would get a, you know, a monthly pedicure. Not because I'm a.

Necessarily a girl's girl.

I don't do it anymore. But it was a time where I needed to pay for nurturing.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah. And the power of touch is huge. Yeah, huge. Just having another human touching you in a positive way.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Like, it's interesting. I got into, like, an argument with, like, a very, like, prominent religious leader. We agreed to disagree. I really have a lot of respect for him. Just called him on the way here, actually, to thank him for that comment conversation, and he was saying that he doesn't like the idea that therapists or coaches disclose in the therapeutic relationship. He said he feels like the therapist or the coach is supposed to maintain a certain level of strength so that the client could borrow from that strength and could kind of be grounded by it. And again, very thought out position. Sure, I hear it. He's wrong. And I told him why he's wrong, which is, yeah, I agree. He was like. His argument to me was, because you're not really friends, Right. And as soon as the relationship's over, as soon as the friendship is over, it's gone, you move on. And I said, I think that you're mistaking the feelings of friendship for a relationship, because that relationship never ends. I still have, like, all of the therapeutic experiences I've had still. They're in me. And what it's given me, the gift is the gift of me having someone relate to me, having someone say, see me so that I could feel seen and heard. That relationship built me. We are built by relationships. It is not good for man to be alone. We need relationships, and those relationships build us and we carry them with us forever.

[Kristen Carter]

I've just loved every second of this, and I wish we had a whole other hour to keep going. But you are writing a book or you've completed a book.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yep, wrote it.

[Kristen Carter]

It's done. Okay. So for anyone who is just like, I Need more. I am dying to get my hands on this. Tell us about your book and how we can get our hands on it.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Awesome. My book is kind of walking you through the entire cycles of clarity. Right. It's going to walk you through the cycle of ambiguity, so you can kind of get where your. Your bearings and figure out knowing the problems, half the solution. Right. Then kind of how to move yourself through the cycle of agency to feel that energy to get shit done.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

And, um, and then finally the cycle of accountability. It's gonna help you kind of reclaim your life to get back you. Um, the book walks you through that in like. Like really, like step by step, carry you slow and steady. It's written by someone with adhd, so it's like short bursts.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Um, it's really great stuff. It's on Amazon.

[Kristen Carter]

What's the name?

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Um, right now, the working title is Clear Headed.

[Kristen Carter]

Oh, I love.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Because that's what it gives you, the gift of being clear. I love.

[Kristen Carter]

Just a working title. I love it.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

It was that or the Clarity Code, but.

[Kristen Carter]

Oh, I like that too. But I like Clear Headed.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Yeah, me too.

[Kristen Carter]

I like Clear Headed one. I mean, I'm just so grateful to you for your work, for the way that you are evolving yourself. And I mean, I feel like with somebody like you, you are doing the work in real time and pulling us all along with you, you know, just one step ahead. And that's so important because it is so much easier for us ADHDers to learn from someone who's in the trenches than someone who's high on the mountaintop. You know, like, let me show you how it's done. And instead you're like, no, I'm literally in the trenches and learning and evolving and growing. And so I just really, really appreciate you. The book is called Clear Find out on Amazon, and I highly recommend. We'll put a link. You can send us a link. We'll put a link in the show notes. Everybody go buy it. Thank you so much. Thank you for your time, your effort, your contribution to the world in general, but really, just like, our ADHD community is so, so lucky to have you. So thank you so much.

[Dr. Nahi Felt]

Of course, there's a great line from, like, one of the Jewish ethics, which is, if we are not. If you are not for yourself, who will be? I feel like, for the ADHD community, if we are not here for ourselves, who the hell will be?

[Kristen Carter]

That's so good.

And on that note, we will see you next week.

Bye. Bye.

Hey, adhder.

I see you.

I know exactly what it's like to feel lost, confused, frustrated and like no one out there really understands the way that your brain works. That's why I created Focused. Focused is my monthly coaching program where I lead you through a step by step process of understanding yourself, feeling better, and creating the life that you know you're meant for. You'll study, be coached, grow, and make amazing changes alongside of other educated professional adults with ADHD from all over the world. Visit ihaveadhd.com focused to learn more.