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343 BITESIZE | Bullied and Kicked Out of the Lunch Table: My Story of Rejection Sensitivity
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Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. This little episode is one of my favorite clips from the podcast. It's perfect if you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen because let's be real, some of us ADHDers just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your midweek pick. Me. It's Thursday, y'. All. Friday is right around the corner. If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember, my friend, drink your water, take your meds, grab a snack. Now let's get rolling. I mean listener, I just really encourage you, like think about your childhood. Think about some of your earliest memories. I can remember being bullied at a very young age. I remember my neighborhood friends creating a club that I, I had to like. You had to like curse to get into it, which is like whatever, all kids do that. But like I was so brought up in a. A shame based fundamental Christian family that was like, I can't do it. I can't say the F word. And, and just like not being a part of the club because of that, which is benign. It's just like that's like all neighborhoods. That's not an ADHD thing. But that was a rejection experience for me, a substantial one that I remember. I can remember Christmas morning knocking over a lamp in our living room. So my dad is filming with a gigantic camcorder. It's like circa 1984, five probably. And I'm like bouncing off the walls. I'm a hyperactive little girl and I'm excited. It's Christmas morning. I knock over the lamp and it was rejection. I experienced rejection from my caregivers in that moment. They were just having their own normal natural response to an obnoxious ADHD child. They didn't have the tools to react to me with empathy. But that like doesn't matter. My experience was still valid. I was rejected in that moment. I was kicked out of the lunch table in seventh grade. Seventh grade girl sitting all around me. I'm eating my Doritos and my peanut butter and honey sandwich. Shout out to peanut butter and honey. I still love it. I still eat it at least once a week. Sitting there eating my PB and H. And the girls like look at me. And the most popular, most beautiful one of course is like, we don't want you to sit with us anymore. That is an intense rejection experience. Of course the pile up of rejection experiences led me to experience rejection sensitivity at an older age. Of course, of course rejection registers in our body as danger. And there is nothing more than. There's nothing our brains want more than safety. There's nothing our brains and our bodies need or want more than safety. And rejection registers as danger. And that's not a pathology. That's biology, that's evolutionary, that's being excluded from the group used to mean death. So of course our bodies react strongly to rejection. Of course it hurts. And of course when that happens over and over, we become more sensitive to it, we become more raw. That wound is, is not just a little cut, it's a gaping, oozing, gross pussy thing, right? That's like. That's a real rejection wound. That's trauma. That's what that is. Trauma is anything that overwhelms your nervous system. And coupled with that, if you don't have a soft place to land, if you don't have somewhere to go. So speaking very personally, when I was kicked out of the lunch table in seventh grade, I didn't have a soft place to land. I didn't have somewhere to go, I didn't have safety to go to. And so I was just out there on my own. I didn't have a place where I felt really connected and seen and heard and understood. I didn't have a place to go for empathy. I didn't have a safe adult in my life to go for, for empathy, for comfort, for reassurance. Now tell me that that's not trauma, right? And so I'm just curious about your experience. Did you have safety? Because everyone experiences rejection and not everyone has rejection sensitivity. But what I will say about the experience of somebody with ADHD is that when we experience rejection to a much greater degree, which we're going to talk about in a second. And so many of us grew up in families with neurodivergent parents that have, that were really just. Most of them were just doing their best, but didn't have the skills or the tools to offer us empathy and co regulation and understanding and safety. We just didn't have the, the skills. They didn't have it. And I'm curious, is that your experience? Because I could be totally off. This could be totally not your experience. But I'm curious if it is. Let me know in the comments if you feel comfortable. If you're watching on YouTube, let me know in the comments. Was that your experience that you didn't have safety within your own home. And so the rejection in society felt even more excruciating, even more poignant, even more acute. Because when you're rejected in society and you don't really have safety at home, and I'm talking emotional psychological safety, not physical safety, I'm talking, like, where you're seen and validated and understood and known for who you really are and the goodness of you is actually seen by your parents. And, and you, you know, brought home those bullying scenarios. Or maybe you got kicked out of lunch table too. Shout out, you're my peep. You can sit with me anytime, anytime. There's always a spot for you. But like, knowing that if you didn't have safety in society and you didn't have safety at home, your body is primed to react to these rejection experiences. Primed. This is. This is trauma 101. So looking at some actual research, there's a study published, published in 2007 in the journal of Pediatric Psychology. And it found that 52% of children with ADHD fall into the rejected category among their peers. 52% of ADHD kiddos fell into the rejected category among their peers. Children with ADHD are more vulnerable to bullying and to victimization. They grow up being excluded, they grow up being criticized. They grow up being socially awkward and overestimating their ability to fit in. Like I did at the lunch table with the popular girls thinking, like, what's up, girls? Like, we're, we're friends. And they were like, could you not, could you get out of here because you're annoying? I for sure overestimated my social standing. And a lot of kids with ADHD do because they're not self reflective, because that's a deficient executive function skill. And we're so misunderstood. And so there is research to show that children who have ADHD are rejected more often than their peers. That matters. That's traumatic. That is wounding. And especially if you don't have a soft place to land at home, my goodness, that is going to change your body and your brain. So if a child experiences repeated social rejection and then grows up to be an adult who fears rejection deeply, are we calling that a genetic disorder? Are we calling that a genetic aspect of adhd? Are we saying that that is not treatable with, with therapy? To me, oh, that's just like I have written here in my nose. I'm scared to say it. Like, that's just bad science in my opinion. And I'm gonna say, in my opinion I'm gon that nuance, even though it wasn't given in the articles, I'm going to give it that in my opinion as bad science. So Dodson, to his credit did update his article on RSD or published a new updated article in Attitude magazine. He published it in 2024 and in it he tries to retroactively validate RSD by equating it with emotional dysregulation, which is now part of the European ADHD diagnos diagnostic criteria. And shout out to Europe, Europeans. Thank you for doing that. That's amazing. I hope that the US will follow suit. But the thing is like those two concepts are not the same. Rejection sensitivity and emotional dysregulation are not the same thing. Emotional dysregulation is a broad and well studied pattern and RSD is a specific trauma adjacent in my opinion experience of intense perceived rejection that it's never and it's never been studied or formally validated. It's not necessarily widely accepted. And so like to say that emotional dysregulation and RSD are the same. That to me doesn't make sense. So it's an interesting article. I think he adds in a little bit more nuance. I think you know, he's adding in some compassion. I appreciate it, I appreciate him again for the, for the language that he's given to this experience. But I still. It's a no. It's a no from me personally listener, you get to decide your take on it. But to say that emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity are exactly the same, it's not the same. So it is. Again, it's totally valid to say that rejection sensitivity is real. I'm on board, I know it, I experience it. Yes, but that doesn't mean that the term RSD is necessarily accurate or helpful, especially with the connotation that it is brain based, it's genetic, it's incurable, it's only fixable with medication. To me that's not helpful, that's disempowering, not empowering. But let's talk about medication because medication can help. I'm not anti medication. We've already talked about that. Um, and what Dodson seems to be observing is this, that the fast onset of RSD symptoms, rejection sensitivity symptoms often come from someone whose nervous system is already in fight flight, freeze fawn mode. So already in a trauma response. So rejection hits like a trigger, a hundred percent, flooding the body with stress hormones and yes, meds like alpha agonists or beta blockers can dampen that. Okay. They can lower your adrenaline and bring the nervous system into a calmer baseline. And I've heard people describe that as like emotional armor. And that's a good thing. That's great. Okay, so I know medications like guanfacine, that's one that's prescribed often for rejection sensitivity. And that's wonderful. If that gives you some armor, that's amazing. But. But it doesn't mean that it's the only option. There are also non medication methods for regulating the nervous system, like polyvagal theory and the stress cycle completion and mindfulness based stress reduction and somatic work and EMDR and like good old fashioned trauma therapy. Now they take time and they require sustained effort. And so medication might be a really good option while you're in the process so that you can access these tools so that you have the regulation needed to actually do this deep, intense work. Okay. But it's not only medication that works. Okay? The therapies can help you to build emotional resilience from the inside out. The part that I love is addressing the root cause of the issue. Let's talk about those rejections. Let's talk about the actual wound. Let's not just put band aids on symptoms. Right? If you can access deeper work and realize that you can be empowered to heal these rejection wounds, your life will change. Now again, that might require medication as a starting point and maybe you'll be medicated for it forever and ever, which is fine too. But a lot of us experience the need for medication as we're doing this work, and that makes sense. But modalities like IFS and EMDR and somatic experiencing and attachment based therapy has the ability to significantly decrease your sensitivity to rejection. And for me personally, it's true. I'm not as easily triggered. I know what to do when I am triggered. I have a lot more self trust. I've built shame resilience. I have removed people from my life who make me feel rejected over and over. I mean, that's a big component to all of this. A lot of us are in toxic relationships and then surprised when we're overcome with rejection sensitivity. It's like, take a look around at the way that people treat us. We need to have higher standards for what we allow in our lives. And listen, that takes so much effort and so much time. And so if medication is a great option for you now as your. If you just need that emotional armor at first, that's great. Medication can be awesome. Guanfacine can give your body a Break Beta blockers can help you to be regulated when you're overwhelmed, but medications don't do all of the heavy lifting. Medications don't do that healing work, okay? That's what I want to empower you to do if you have the capacity, if you have the stamina. So to bookend this and to like, really, I really want you to hear me. Rejection sensitivity is real. It's a part of the ADHD experience. Many of us experience it. It deserves attention. Okay? And we can be grateful to people like Dodson for giving us language for that pain. But for me personally, I don't use the term RSD because it pathologizes something that I think I see as just a very human and understandable response to a lifetime of being rejected. I don't agree that therapy doesn't improve it. I don't agree that trauma is not a part of it. I don't agree that it's simply genetic. And like, that's it. Close the. Close the book. It's just genetic. It's just your brain. I don't accept that. I don't accept it for myself. I don't accept it for my community because I know how important healing work can be. I know how important self development can be. I see it in my clients every single day. And because I know from my own lived experience, from my own lived experience that rejection sensitivity can get so much better. With support, with healing, with practice, with calming my nervous system, with learning all of these tools that I never had before, with creating safety in my life that I never had before. And with meds, if you want them, that's a great option. If you want it with therapy, if you need it, with coaching, with compassion, with real tools. All right? So use the term that works for you. I will never police your language. I will respect you no matter what. I said this two years ago. I will say it again. I. I believe that two people can be educated and smart and have differing perspectives and still respect each other. Like, it's okay. It's totally okay. If you approach it one way and you say, actually, RSD really fits for me. And I want to use that term. And that really validates my experience. I don't want to use that. Great, you use that. I'm going to use rejection sensitivity. And we can still be friends. Okay, we can still be friends. Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show Notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today, and I cannot wait to talk to you again next week. Bye. Bye.