Podcast Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast

Episode 346: Voicemails from the ADHD Trenches: Marriage, Faith, Regret, and Rage (Yep, We’re Going There)
Host: Kristen Carder
Date: October 28, 2025

Episode Overview

In this highly engaging and emotionally resonant episode, host Kristen Carder opens up her voicemail inbox to address real questions and struggles from ADHDers in the community. Through listeners' raw voices, Kristen dives into issues affecting adults with ADHD, including sensory overload and fitness, job struggles and burnout, relationship and marriage challenges (especially when multiple people in the household have ADHD), faith and spirituality, processing regret from a late diagnosis, and managing overwhelming emotions through grief and breakups. The episode focuses on validating listeners’ feelings, offering practical coaching advice, and encouraging self-compassion and boundaries.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Setting Emotional Boundaries and Managing Overwhelm

• Timestamps: [01:04] – [08:36]
• Kristen starts by acknowledging the difficulty of the current world climate, her own rising anxiety, and methods to maintain emotional regulation. She shares her strategy of minimizing social media exposure using “The Brick” device, which physically blocks access to certain apps and helps her stay present for work and family.
• Notable insight: Understanding your limits as an empathetic person with ADHD is crucial. Kristen advises listeners to “guard your peace” and prioritize real-life human connection.

2. Sensory Overload and Exercise with ADHD (Caroline’s Call)

• Timestamps: [08:36] – [14:37]
• Caroline struggles with discomfort and sensory overwhelm when exercising, wanting to establish a routine but finding conventional workouts triggering.
• Kristen’s Advice:
  • Go gentle: Start with low-pressure movement like walking, not immediately jumping into high-demand workouts like running.
  • “Can we start with a walk?...Can we then maybe run for one minute after we’ve walked...for a whole month?” [10:20]
  • Reframe ‘working out’: There’s no single right way; fun and consistency matter more than intensity.
  • Prioritize moving in ways that feel good and manageable—even five minutes counts.
• Key Quote:
  • “Did you know that you could work out without being in pain? Did you know that you can do things that are actually fun, that feel supportive and good and gentle and not like you’re going to die every time you work out?” [12:09] —Kristen

3. Job Struggles, ADHD Treatment Doubt, and Burnout (Accountant Caller)

• Timestamps: [14:37] – [21:29]
• The caller, a senior management accountant, voices distress about being unable to hold down a job, despite diagnosis and two years of medication.
• Kristen’s Support & Strategies:
  • Assess treatment: If you’re not seeing real improvements, your treatment regimen may need adjusting—talk to your doctor.
  • Be honest about weaknesses: Know what support you’ll need in a new job and advocate for it.
  • “Why bother take a pill if you don’t feel like it’s making a difference? Let’s at least get to the point where we can say, okay, obviously pills don’t teach skills...But I do see improvements.” [20:38]
• Key Quote:
  • “ADHD is not a disorder of not knowing what to do. It’s a disorder of knowing exactly what to do, but not being able to get yourself to do it.” [21:45] —Kristen

4. Marriage and Emotional Labor with an Untreated ADHD Spouse (Becky’s Call)

• Timestamps: [23:07] – [30:40]
• Becky describes exhaustion from managing a household where multiple members have ADHD, but her husband, who also displays symptoms, resists learning about or addressing it.
• Kristen’s Response:
  • Accept that we can’t “make” spouses change.
  • Be honest and vulnerable about how his disengagement affects you.
  • Suggest couples counseling as a safe space to address communication and boundary issues.
  • “It’s not your job to figure out how to say it in the perfect way so that he can receive it.” [25:47]
• Key Moment:
  • Kristen affirms the pain and boundary-crossing Becky experiences and urges her to take it seriously and seek support:
    • “That’s a pretty big issue. That’s a dynamic issue. That’s a communication issue. That’s a willingness issue.” [27:31]

5. Big Emotions and Heartbreak (Alex’s Call)

• Timestamps: [30:40] – [37:23]
• Alex, struggling with extended grief after a breakup, seeks advice about processing intense waves of emotion.
• Kristen’s Coaching:
  • Normalize the length and depth of grief; breakups can take a long time to heal.
  • Grief must be “felt to be processed”; don’t keep it at arm’s length.
  • Access resources on emotional regulation (episodes 323 and 300).
  • Consider community and/or professional support; healing is easier when surrounded by empathy.
• Key Quote:
  • “Grief...is an emotion that demands to be felt. And when we try to keep grief at bay...it doesn’t go away.” [31:48] —Kristen

6. Faith, Spiritual Practice, and ADHD (Jen’s Call)

• Timestamps: [39:33] – [47:15]
• Jen, a Christian minister and spiritual director, asks about the intersection of ADHD and faith practices.
• Kristen’s Reflection:
  • Faith has been lifelong but complicated; rigid, neurotypical religious environments exacerbated feelings of inadequacy.
  • Accepting her ADHD allowed Kristen to redefine spirituality to fit her brain.
  • “In my opinion, God is multifaceted and he doesn’t need me to show up a certain way. That’s actually the whole point...your love...can look different for different people.” [43:08]
  • Kristen clarifies her commitment to inclusivity and unconditional support, regardless of listeners’ faith.

7. Both Partners with ADHD: Communication, Outsourcing, and Support (Cindy’s Call)

• Timestamps: [47:15] – [53:36]
• Cindy and her fiancé both have ADHD, are unmedicated, and face communication struggles, RSD (rejection sensitivity), and daily executive dysfunction.
• Kristen’s Advice:
  • Outsource “frontal lobe” tasks: pay for help with cleaning, laundry, meals if possible—don’t expect yourselves to develop neurotypical consistency overnight.
  • Seek couples therapy now, before problems escalate, to build strong communication skills.
  • “With both of you having prefrontal cortex deficiencies...set up your life where you’re just really accepting of the deficiencies that you guys have.” [49:51]
  • Proactively develop language and resilience for issues like RSD and miscommunication.

8. Late Diagnosis, Regret, and Grieving the Lost Years (Dana’s Call)

• Timestamps: [53:36] – [61:27]
• Dana, 46, newly diagnosed and medicated, asks how to move past regret over missed opportunities and mistakes due to undiagnosed ADHD.
• Kristen’s Perspective:
  • Regret is often a signal that there’s “unprocessed grief.”
  • The only way forward is to name and feel the loss—“have a good cry...a rage walk...really move it through your body.”
  • Making amends or repairs, where possible, can bring additional closure.
  • “When we are regretting the past, we’re connected to it in a really unhealthy way...that is really important to notice.” [55:10]
  • The episode closes with validation and reassurance—you are not alone and the work of grief paves the way to release and healing.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Immediate, Big Changes vs. Small Stepping Stones:
  “I acknowledge that no ADHDer wants stepping stones. We don’t want stepping stones. We want to take the giant leap off the cliff—that’s gonna give us the biggest bang for our buck...Unfortunately...your body is freaking out.” [10:01] —Kristen

• On Emotional Labor in Relationships:
  “If I could figure out a way where we could force our spouses to do what we want them to do, I would...But I do want to say a few things along with this. I think that your experience is extremely valid and it matters.” [25:08] —Kristen

• On Faith, Neurodiversity, and Acceptance:
  “It wasn’t until I accepted my own ADHD ... that I was also able to tailor my faith practice to that ... and let myself off the hook for the neurotypical standards.” [42:28] —Kristen

• On Grieving Missed Opportunities:
  “Lay in bed at night and ruminate on all of the things that we wish we had done. And we stay chained to the past...The pathway...to releasing yourself from all of that regret...is being willing to grieve.” [55:13] —Kristen

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:04] – Introduction, theme: emotional boundaries, world overwhelm
• [08:36] – Caroline on exercise & sensory overload
• [14:37] – Accountant caller: Job struggles, medication uncertainty
• [23:07] – Becky on ADHD marriage & emotional labor
• [30:40] – Alex on breakups & handling big, lasting emotions
• [39:33] – Jen: Faith, Christianity, ADHD, and inclusivity
• [47:15] – Cindy: Both partners ADHD, communication and outsourcing
• [53:36] – Dana: Late diagnosis and coping with regret

Overall Tone & Approach

Kristen’s tone is validating, empathetic, practical, and peppered with humor and warmth. She balances tough love (“no ADHDer wants stepping stones!”) with deep compassion, always returning to the refrain that listeners are not broken or alone.

Final Thought

This episode shines as a resource for adults with ADHD navigating real-life challenges, especially regarding relationships, emotions, faith, and the unique pain and hope that come with late diagnosis. Kristen’s coaching reminds listeners to “guard their peace,” seek out manageable solutions, and—most importantly—permission to feel their feelings on the way to healing.