I Have ADHD Podcast

Episode 347 BITESIZE | ADHD, Internalized Shame, and the Pep Talk from Kristen You Need NOW
Host: Kristen Carder
Date: October 30, 2025

Overview

In this bite-sized episode, Kristen Carder delivers a candid and compassionate exploration of the unique relationship between ADHD and internalized shame. The episode draws from Kristen's personal experiences and introduces the powerful concept of "shame resilience," encouraging listeners to disentangle their sense of worth from perceived shortcomings in basic life tasks. Throughout, Kristen adopts her trademark supportive and energizing tone, offering validation, practical advice, and a much-needed pep talk for anyone struggling with ADHD-related shame.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. A Personal Win: Breaking the Shame Cycle

• Story: Kristen recounts missing a psychiatry appointment for her son—not canceling in time—but responds without spiraling into shame, a stark contrast to her previous reactions.
• Significance: This shift represents a major milestone in her self-development, showing that improvement in managing internalized shame is possible.
• Quote:

  "I did not shame spiral. I did not beat myself up. I did not judge myself... It was a hundred percent just like a 'oh shoot, I forgot to cancel that appointment.' No shame, no spiral, no derailing me from my day." (02:14)

2. Understanding Shame & Shame Resilience

• Brené Brown’s Influence: Kristen introduces Brené Brown’s concept of "shame resilience," emphasizing the need to build tolerance for uncomfortable emotions, especially for people with ADHD.
• What is Shame?
  • Described as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that you're flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging and connection." (04:29)
  • Differentiated from mere embarrassment or simple regret.
• Shame Triggers in ADHD: Simple life tasks—organization, time management, self-care—often trigger shame due to repeated struggles and misunderstanding from others.
• Emotional Complexity: Shame is often layered with embarrassment and other negative emotions, creating a 'stew' that can totally derail a person’s day.

3. The ADHD Experience & Societal Misinterpretations

• Paradox of Ability: People with ADHD may excel at complex or creative tasks but consistently struggle with "basics" like keeping environments organized, causing confusion and judgment from others.
• Quotes from Society:

  "Everybody else can do it. Why can't you do it? I can see that you're really smart. Why can't you just get it done?... Your sister can do it. Why can't you do it? Your brother can do it. Why can't you?" (08:12)

• Family Dynamics: Kristen discusses how shame often travels in families, being passed down from parents who themselves may have internalized it during their upbringing.

4. Toxic vs. Healthy Shame

• Healthy Shame: A normal, helpful emotion signaling when someone's out of alignment with their values.
• Toxic Shame: Internalized as a personal flaw—"You are the problem." This impedes self-worth and can worsen ADHD symptoms.
• Impact on Self-Esteem: Toxic shame can make children and adults feel fundamentally unworthy or defective.

5. Reframing Morality and Basic Tasks

• Decoupling Moral Worth from Performance: Kristen urges listeners to stop assigning moral value to completion of basic tasks.
  • Example: The phrase "cleanliness is next to godliness" embeds moral judgment in ordinary behavior.
  • Quote:

    "Being messy has nothing to do with morality... You're not a better person if you're clean and a worse person if you're [not]. It has nothing to do with ethics, it has nothing to do with morals, it has nothing to do with character." (19:50)

• Encouraging Self-Compassion: By separating self-worth from task completion, ADHDers can approach life with less shame and more energy for positive change.

6. Practical Resources & Recommendations

• Book Suggestion:
  • How to Keep House While Drowning by Casey Davis — Offers a gentle, non-judgmental approach to cleaning and organizing.
  • Quote:

    "It is so encouraging. It really, really helps to pick apart morality from just like, the stuff in your house." (27:40)

• Parenting Approaches: Instead of reinforcing shame, Kristen recommends affirming a child’s strengths and dismissing the moral dimension tied to their struggles with basic tasks.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Overcoming Shame Spirals:

  "That derailment is what I would love to begin to interrupt... so that we don't have to go down that shame spiral." (07:30)

• On Morality & Basic Living:

  "We need to rise up as people with ADHD and be like: No, absolutely not. I can be disorganized and amazing at the same time. I can be messy and extremely wonderful at the same time." (21:03)

• On Shared Experiences:

  "Just knowing you're not alone is so, so important." (17:34)

• On Letting Go:

  "Maybe I'll have the capacity to actually clean if I'm not weighed down by the burden of shame." (25:38)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:30–02:14: Kristen shares her personal story of missing an appointment and her new, non-shaming response.
• 02:14–05:00: Introduction to shame and shame resilience; Brené Brown’s influence.
• 07:30–10:58: Discussion of how shame spirals derail those with ADHD.
• 10:58–13:45: Family and societal misinterpretations; how shame is transmitted generationally.
• 13:45–17:34: The basics are the hardest—paradox of ADHD competence.
• 19:50–21:03: Challenging the moral value assigned to organization and self-care.
• 23:17–25:38: Reframing perspectives, self-compassion, and the impact on mental health.
• 27:40–29:20: Practical resource recommendation: How to Keep House While Drowning by Casey Davis.

Takeaways

• Shame resilience can be learned; it’s possible to move from debilitating internalized shame to self-compassion and functionality.
• Society’s and families’ judgments about “failures” with basic tasks contribute to toxic shame in ADHDers.
• You are not your struggles—decouple your worth from your ability to keep up with life’s basics.
• Find support and resources that validate your experiences and offer practical strategies without moralizing your challenges.

Kristen’s closing words invite listeners to reflect, take care of themselves, and embrace the journey toward self-acceptance, one small, shame-resilient step at a time.