385 BITESIZE | ADHD & Self-Trust: Stop Using Growth Tools Against Yourself

Summary

Podcast Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast — 385 BITESIZE | ADHD & Self-Trust: Stop Using Growth Tools Against Yourself

Release Date: March 12, 2026
Host: Kristen Carder
Episode Type: Bitesize Clip
Main Theme: Rethinking ADHD self-management—letting go of perfectionism, embracing realistic solutions, and building self-trust rather than using growth tools against oneself.

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Overview

This bite-sized episode of the I Have ADHD podcast explores the challenges adults with ADHD face managing both their own symptoms and those of family members, especially children. The discussion centers on how perfectionistic expectations and one-size-fits-all growth strategies often backfire, leading to burnout. Instead, the episode advocates for “letting the boring things be boring,” starting small, and setting realistic, sustainable routines tailored to neurodivergent brains. The central thread is about building self-trust and self-compassion by rejecting societal “shoulds” and focusing on what genuinely works for you.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Complexity and Motivation of Navigating ADHD for Yourself & Family

Timestamps: 04:11–07:06

• Guest's Background:
  • Diagnosed with ADHD at age 5 in the late 1980s—a rarity, especially for girls.
  • The diagnosis was prompted by a teacher who recognized her and her sister’s symptoms.
  • Felt “fortunate” for early intervention but notes the limited information and support available back then.

"I can remember going to like the nurse for like my medicine at lunch and it was like all that... there was a couple of little boys ... and I was like the goody two shoes, like teacher's pet type of kid. I mean, I talked a lot... but for the most part, I liked school." —Guest [06:30]

• Catalyst for Deeper Understanding:
  • Becoming a mother to kids later diagnosed with ADHD motivated deeper research and self-acceptance.
  • Acknowledges that motivation often comes easier when advocating for loved ones.

“… helping those in your household to also navigate their own [ADHD] just ... turns up the volume a ton.” —Kristen Carder [04:00]

2. ADHD Burnout & The Trap of “Doing Life Like You’re Supposed To”

Timestamps: 07:41–12:10

• Perfectionism as a Coping Mechanism:
  • Despite having medication and therapy from a young age, struggled as adult responsibilities increased.
  • Fell into the “Pinterest-perfect” mom trap—striving for unattainable standards.
  • Unhealthy coping (drinking, overspending) masked underlying ADHD struggles.

"I was doing all the shoulds of like, what a neurotypical person should ... how my mom life should look. ... The expectations and the demands... were just way too much ... I'd been living over capacity for so long that it was like massive ADHD burnout." —Guest [09:40]

• Realization:
  • ADHD management requires more than medication—systems and expectations must be customized.

3. Letting Go of Magic-Bullet Solutions and the “Right System” Mindset

Timestamps: 12:10–14:56

• Cycle of Seeking the ‘One Perfect System’:
  • Tried countless planners, diets, household routines, and business growth schemes, seeking the “magic bullet” to fix everything.
  • Attempts to overhaul life all at once led to unsustainable burnout.

"The ADHD tendency is that we want this, like, magic bullet. ... I'm going to find this one solution that addresses all these things. ... I realized... I'd done that over and over and over again." —Guest [12:23]

• Reality Check:
  • Perpetual “system-hopping” was fatiguing and discouraging.
  • Real change began by acknowledging the fantasy of total transformation and prioritizing what matters the most.

4. Practical, ADHD-Friendly Solutions: Start Small and Accept the Boring

Timestamps: 14:56–16:35

• Framework Shift:
  • Developed a system of doing only 6–7 boring, essential things consistently.
  • Limited executive functioning demands to avoid overwhelm.
  • Focused first on “daily chaos”—what is truly necessary and maintainable.

"I started focusing first like on the daily chaos... I gave myself permission... The framework that I developed is like expecting myself to only do six to seven boring things... really limiting my executive functioning expectations..." —Guest [13:03]

• Accepting that Some Things Will Always Be Boring:
  • No need to make laundry, meal prep, etc., exciting or “flashy.”
  • Allowed for novelty and stimulation in selected areas, while letting routine chores remain unremarkable but done.

"When I say I decided six to seven boring things, I decided to let the boring things be boring and be really honest about what's boring." —Guest [15:26]
"Laundry's boring. It's gonna be boring. There's no way to make it flashy. If you try to make it flashy, you're going to overdo it ... just not sustainable." —Kristen Carder [16:32]

• Self-Trust over Self-Sabotage:
  • Growth tools (planners, systems, routines) should empower—not become new sources of guilt or self-criticism.
  • The goal is self-acceptance and trust, not perfection or external validation.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Early ADHD Diagnosis:
  "If that teacher hadn't said something and my sister hadn't gotten diagnosed, I probably would have gone under the radar and never have been identified." —Guest [06:50]
• On Parenting with ADHD:
  "It is a lot easier to motivate yourself to know these things when it's about other people. ... So I think that motivation to figure out these things really ... helped me." —Guest [04:57]
• On Burnout:
  "I was trying to do life like I thought I was supposed to... and it was like I could note, like, the expectations and the demands, the executive functioning demands ... were just way too much." —Guest [09:35]
• On Letting Go of Over-Ambition:
  "We want it flashy, we want it fast... lowering expectations and starting small can be such a barrier." —Kristen Carder [14:56]
• On Allowing Boring Things to Stay Boring:
  "If you try to make [laundry] flashy, you're going to overdo it and it's not ... just not sustainable." —Kristen Carder [16:34]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Complexity of Navigating ADHD for Self & Family: 04:11–07:06
• Perfectionism & Burnout: 07:41–12:10
• Letting Go of Magic Solutions: 12:10–14:56
• Practical Framework & Accepting Boring Tasks: 14:56–16:35

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Tone

The conversation is thoughtful, candid, warm, and validating. Both host and guest openly share personal struggles and lessons learned, avoiding any sense of shame or blame, and encouraging self-kindness and practical action for ADHD adults.

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Summary

This episode delivers a powerful reminder: ADHD-friendly growth means adapting life to your needs, not measuring yourself against neurotypical standards or chasing the next big system. The secret isn’t perfection—it’s consistency, realism, and accepting both your need for stimulation and the unavoidability of boring but necessary routines. Build trust with yourself by letting some things be simple, small, and “boring”—and enjoy the freedom of a more sustainable, authentic way forward.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Complicated, yes, but also really motivating, I think for me. So my story is unique because I was diagnosed as a child but we really knew so little information then. So I was diagnosed at 5. You know, I was really medicated most of my life. I consider that myself incredibly fortunate. But it was really kind of a school and work thing. I mean that was my perception. I thought like, okay, if I take my medicine and I also was the kind of kid that likes school, but if I took my medicine, I'd do well in school. It got way more complicated when I, you know, became a professional. But still there was still so much we didn't understand. And I think for me, once my kids were diagnosed, it really motivated me to lean in and learn more. And there was also a lot more resources then. So I think, and I think a lot of moms with adhd, at least my, from my perspective, are some of, you know, the kindest, most generous, most giving and really are. It is a lot easier to motivate yourself to know these things when it's about other people. Very service oriented. And so I think that motivation to figure out these things really once my kids started having those struggles, it really helped Me motivate to kind of figure them out for myself.

[A]

Okay, we're gonna get to all of that, but I just want to understand how in the world you were diagnosed at age five as a girl in what, the 80s or 90s?

[B]

Yeah, I'm 44, so like 86. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so how. How is that possible? It's.

[B]

I mean, it was a teacher. So I have an older sister, she's three years older than me. We're a different in terms of. We both have combined type adhd, but I was more the like rule follower. But anyway, so I think a teacher had had their child from. The teacher had some experience with adhd.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So my sister was kind of getting in trouble mostly I think for like getting up and talking a lot and. But so the teacher said to my mom, she was like, this child is not trying to get into trouble. There's something else going on. I think you should have her tested. And just in the, in the public school. So it was that teacher saying something. And so my had my sister tested and then as a result, I don't know if she was. I don't know what size. I mean, I was still young, so I think my mom was like, well, let's have you tested too. But it was definitely not common, you know, at all. I didn't know anyone like me. I can remember going to like the nurse for like my medicine at lunch and it was like all that. There was a couple of little boys and they were the little boys that would like get in trouble, you know, And I was like the goody two shoes, like teacher's pet type of kid. I mean, I talked a lot. Like there are signs I could see, but for the most part, I liked school and I 100%. I think if that teacher hadn't said something and my sister hadn't gotten diagnosed, I probably would have gone under the radar and never have been identified.

[A]

Right. I mean, I just look at that as a miracle.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

I didn't know any girls with ADHD in, in my like, school career, at least that I knew of. Like, that's just absolutely wild to me. I love it. I'm so happy for you. That's so awesome. What was it like you mentioned, like, becoming a mom is really what was the catalyst to you understanding ADHD more and just like learning more about what it meant for you. Can you describe that a little bit?

[B]

Yes. Yeah, I think, you know, I could. There were other, like, in my 20s, I went through a phase where I like took myself off medicine and I went through counseling. Like there were a couple, you know, it's a little more complicated. There are a couple other seasons where I like, dug in to understand it and kind of accepted this about myself. But in terms of, I think understanding that ADHD had a relevant implications on how I did life and not just seeing it as like a limitation, but then like, I could actually needed to actually design life in a way that worked for me. I think I definitely lean into like the perfectionism side of adhd. Like, my coping with adhd, even on medicine was, you know, because I think so many people, they hit the wall and it's like they're realizing they have adhd. Well, I kind of have a unique perspective because I was already diagnosed and I was already on medicine and I'd already been in years of therapy. And then it was like life got really hard. So it was like I had all these tools and advantages, and yet the way I was doing life still really wasn't working. I needed more. And so part of it was just. And then as I kind of dug into the research, so much of it as I was reading these parenting books about adhd, I was like, all of these things apply to me. And I never knew that, like, it was really kind of learning to re parent myself. But so in terms of hitting the wall, it was, you know, I think for a long time I coped with perfectionism of like being that Pinterest perfect mom. And I had, you know, I would maybe from the outside, like, I wasn't. I wasn't drowning yet, but I was. Had really unhealthy coping mechanisms. So I was drinking a lot, I was overspending, like, a lot of these kind of secret, like, things that I think a lot are very common with women with hd, especially the ones who are like the perfectionistic kind of bent like that weren't healthy, that had a lot of shame about. And then as I kind of dug in, it was like those were kind of always there. And then kind of then I really started drowning. But my third kid, late 30s, perimenopause, it was like I. The coping mechanisms were still unhealthy, they were still there, but they were still no longer enough. And I was kind of drowning with the expectation, my own personal expectations of myself because I was trying to do life like I thought I was supposed to. Like, I was doing all the shoulds of like, what a neurotypical person should, how they should design their life, how my mom life should look. And. And it was like I could note like the the expectations and the demands, the executive functioning demands of my ongoing life are just. Were just way too much. And I was just way over capacity. I'd been living over capacity for so long that it was like massive ADHD burnout.

[A]

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[B]

Are you really buying a car online on autotrader right now? Really? I can get super specific with dealer listings and see cars based on my budget. You can really have it delivered or pick it up. Mommy's kid is walking up the slide. Really? Auto trader. Buy your car online? Really? So that was kind of what helped propel me to kind of not just think about managing my adhd, not just taking medicine, but like, okay, how do I design life in a way that works for me where I am not so emotionally and mentally and physically depleted on an ongoing basis?

[A]

So what were some of the things that you tweaked in your life to make them more ADHD friendly or more just like, custom to your brain?

[B]

Yeah, I kind of the only. Well, I. So I tried so many things. I think the ADHD tendency is that we want this, like, magic bullet. We're like, okay, here's the hundred problems that we see in our life, and we need to find this one solution that addresses all these things. And it's like, gonna be the magic thing that we're gonna implement. And then, like, once we kind of figure that out, everything is gonna work and. And make sense. And I realized it was like I'd done that over and over and over again.

[A]

That's just like Finding the right planner, the right system, the right like all of those. Like this will be the thing.

[B]

Well, it's all because, because I'm like, okay, I'm going to figure out how to, you get my kids off screens and we're going to go paleo, gluten free, dairy free, and we're, you know, and I'm going to work out for two hours a day and I'm going to like, whatever and I'm going to start posting on Instagram three times a day to like blow up my business. And it's like I'm gonna do all these things. I'm gonna start like cleaning the baseboards. Every, like all these like thinking about every single need that could possibly exist in my family. And like, I need to come up with a solution that addresses all of that at once. And so instead I kind of threw that all out the window. I'm like, that's not working. I mean, I was so burnt out too that instead I was like, I need to design a life that is actually realistic, that I can actually stick to. So I kind of. And from that, that's why I've created this system to like help guide people through that. But I really started focusing first like on the daily chaos. Like what are. I gave myself permission. So the kind of. The framework that I developed is like expecting myself to only do six to seven boring things. And so I created this framework where kind of like my life expectations focus on that. But like the core thing is really limiting my executive functioning expectations of myself and then having kind of an ongoing revolving system where I'm really clear about what matters and then kind of ignore everything else. But I started really small. I started focusing first on like, okay, what can I maintain? Like the daily three plus the like self care and started there and really focused on getting good at that before I kind of, you know, took that, the whole idea of like that one solution that's gonna fit everything. I was like, I can't. That doesn't work. So I threw that the window and started small.

[A]

I think that that's so hard for us to start small because just like you said, we wanna do the opposite of that. We want to find like, it's not hard enough. Yeah, it's not hard enough. It's also not flashy enough, it's not fast enough. We want it flashy, we want it fast. We want to feel like we're, you know, we're really going to make a difference. And like lowering expectations and starting small can be such a barrier.

[B]

For us, the thing, this is the other key part of that is that when I say I decided six to seven boring things, I decided to let the boring things be boring and be really honest about what's boring. Because I think the thing is, one of the reasons why, why we do that thing where we like want this system that addresses everything is because that's like big and challenging and that's like kind of dopamine and that's, you know, strategic thinking and all these things that we love. But instead I was like, I still need those things. I still need the novelty, I still need the stimulation, I still need the challenge. But I'm going to let the boring things be boring, but then make time for those things that I need. So it's like if I have novelty and if I have stimulation and I have mental challenge of things that I actually really want to do, it made it easier to, like, you know, start small with the boring things. Because I wasn't looking to like come up with this system or the system was what I was getting the dopamine and the stimulation from.

[A]

It's like, laundry's boring.

[B]

Yeah, right? Laundry's boring.

[A]

It's gonna be boring.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's no way to make it flashy. If you try to make it flashy, you're going to overdo it and it's not. You're just not sustainable.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, let laundry be boring. Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adults ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to talk to you again next week. Bye. Bye. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with a name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail], progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.