389 BITESIZE | Self-Trust in the Workplace: Finding the Right Environment for Your ADHD Brain

Summary

Podcast Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast

Host: Kristen Carder
Episode: 389 BITESIZE | Self-Trust in the Workplace: Finding the Right Environment for Your ADHD Brain
Release Date: March 26, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode zeroes in on the concept of self-trust for adults with ADHD in the workplace. Through an engaging and candid conversation between Kristen Carder and guest Matt (a member of the FOCUSED coaching program), listeners are taken on a personal journey that explores the challenges ADHDers face at work—particularly with self-doubt, masking, and vulnerability. The episode is filled with insights on how to find or create ADHD-friendly work environments and how building self-trust can transform both professional and personal lives.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Feeling “In Trouble” All the Time (00:00–03:30)

• ADHDers often feel like they’re "in trouble" in relationships and at work, believing they're too much—or never enough.
• Common triggers are over-apologizing, people-pleasing, and emotional swings.
• Kristen introduces her upcoming webinar on this theme, emphasizing the deep-rooted reasons for these feelings in ADHDers.

2. Workplace Environment: The Difference Support Makes (04:05–07:19)

• Matt explains his experience transitioning to a more understanding workplace:
  • Past jobs made him feel judged for asking “basic” questions, leading to severe self-doubt.
  • In his current job, his boss is empathetic and open, making him comfortable and less prone to anxiety.
  • The environment feels “relaxed,” even mentioning the boss’s friendly dog, symbolizing warmth and acceptance.
  • Matt says:

    "It has exceeded every expectation I've had." (05:40, Matt)

• Finding the right environment involved a lot of luck and serendipity:
  • Matt found his job by chance while driving past an unfamiliar consulting firm.

3. Self-Acceptance and Growth through Support (07:19–10:11)

• Learning to Ask for Help:
  • Matt shares his journey to accepting his own limitations, letting go of perfectionism, and recognizing the value in asking questions.
  • He credits working with Kristen’s FOCUSED group for major changes in confidence and self-trust.
  • Memorable Quote:

    "I learned that you need to be able to ask questions and admit that you don't know something. It doesn't have to be perfect." (07:29, Matt)

• Personal Impact Beyond Work:
  • Matt recounts how these tools also impacted his marriage and home life.
  • He acknowledges ongoing challenges, but feels hopeful thanks to the new skills he’s learned.

4. How ADHD Colors Daily Interactions (11:39–15:41)

• Old Patterns of Defensiveness:
  • Matt opens up about feeling defeated at work and at home, misinterpreting corrections as personal failings.
  • He describes working through these reactions in therapy and FOCUSED coaching.
• Seeing Multiple Perspectives:
  • Recognizes the need to "see other perspectives" and become less defensive.
  • Offers a humorous, relatable example about “dishwasher loading”—an everyday battleground:

    "I've never loaded the dishwasher right in my life." (14:57, Matt)

• Progress Takes Time:
  • Matt and Kristen discuss how growth doesn’t happen overnight; the important thing is moving in the right direction, even if progress feels slow.
  • Memorable exchange about progress and pace:

    "Your GPS is headed in the right direction. You're driving 15. Your wife is driving 55. But they're all going in the right direction." (15:08, Matt, citing his therapist)

5. Overcoming Masking and Building Self-Trust at Work (15:41–18:01)

• Letting Go of Masking:
  • In his new work environment, Matt feels safe enough to stop masking ADHD traits and ask questions openly.
  • Example: Instead of faking knowledge on a client call, Matt messaged his boss for clarification and received supportive feedback.
  • Memorable Quote:

    "Three years ago, Matt would never have asked this...[He] would have faked it...or would have just...[turned] in work...completely wrong." (17:06, Matt)

  • His boss responded warmly, reinforcing psychological safety:

    "This answer is everything." (17:34, Matt, quoting his boss)

• Growth Mindset:
  • Matt acknowledges he still notices old masking impulses, but now stops and chooses authenticity instead.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On work environments:

  "It was easier this time because...the boss gets it...she is much easier to talk to...I felt much, much more comfortable about asking [questions] and not being judged." (04:14, Matt)

• On luck and opportunity:

  "A lot of Stars need to align. Need some luck. Like, if I didn't drive down that road and see that sign...I don't know what would happen." (07:10, Matt)

• On self-acceptance:

  "It's admitting that you're not perfect. It's the...getting out beyond that black and white of perfection." (08:07, Matt)

• On personal transformation:

  "You saved my marriage. You saved a lot of things...the tools that you've given me." (09:16, Matt, to Kristen)

• On embracing imperfection:

  "If someone says, like, 'no, do it this way,'...that doesn't mean that you're bad." (12:42, Coach/Interviewer)

• On self-awareness:

  "I can see that when I'm talking to [my son]. I have trouble seeing it when it's myself." (13:44, Matt)

• On psychological safety:

  "Let me know how I can support you, blah, blah, blah...this answer is everything." (17:06–17:34, Matt recounting conversation with his boss)

• On progress:

  "Let's give you credit." / "I know. I tell my...my therapist told me this. He goes, 'your GPS is headed in the right direction. You're driving 15. Your wife is driving 55. But they're all going in the right direction.'" (15:05–15:08, Coach/Interviewer and Matt)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00 | Introduction: Feeling "in trouble" as an ADHDer | | 04:05 | Matt's workplace history and contrasting job environments | | 05:43 | The impact of a supportive boss and "finding the right fit" | | 07:29 | Professional growth: Asking questions, dropping perfectionism | | 09:16 | Impact on marriage, home, and relationships | | 11:39 | Early struggles: Defensiveness and learning new perspectives | | 14:57 | Humorous take on dishwasher disagreements, perfectionism | | 15:08 | Progress: “GPS in the right direction” analogy | | 16:00 | Letting go of masking in a safe work environment | | 17:34 | Warm, supportive feedback from a boss builds self-trust |

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Takeaways

• ADHDers thrive in environments where questions are welcomed, mistakes are seen as learning opportunities, and authenticity is valued.
• Finding the “right fit” often takes perseverance, self-discovery, and sometimes, a little bit of luck.
• Building self-trust is a game-changer for both career satisfaction and personal relationships.
• Progress is gradual—celebrate movement in the right direction, not just the final destination.
• Community and coaching can provide vital support for navigating these challenges as an adult with ADHD.

This episode is a heartfelt, relatable exploration of what it takes to flourish at work with ADHD—and a testament to the power of self-acceptance, supportive environments, and the courage to show up as yourself.

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For more, check out the full episode or visit ihaveadhd.com for additional resources and support.

Transcript

[Kristen Carter]

Do you ever feel like you're in trouble in your relationships? Like you've done something wrong? Even when no one's actually said anything? Like you're too much, too emotional, too intense, too inconsistent and somehow at the exact same time? Not enough. Not reliable enough. Not organized enough, not together enough. If this hits, I need you to know something. You're not alone. You are not alone. You are in good company with me. This pattern is so common for adults with adhd and there's a real reason for it. This is why I'm teaching a free live webinar on Wednesday, April 1 at 12pm Eastern called too Much and Not Enough. Why Adults With ADHD Feel In Trouble in Their Relationships. In this class, I'm going to walk you through why so many of us feel constantly on edge in our relationships. What's actually happening in your brain and body when you assume you've messed something up and the first step toward feeling grounded, secure and connected instead of anxious and bracing that this is not going to be surface level advice. You know, we go deep around here. This is the stuff that actually changes how you show up with the people that you love. So if you've ever found yourself over apologizing people, pleasing, masking or swinging into emotional overwhelm, come to this webinar. You can sign up right now at I have ADHD.com relationships. That's I have ADHD.com/relationships. I would absolutely love to see you there. This episode is sponsored by Marley Spoon. Every year I tell myself I'm going to get better at meal planning. And every year life happens and it all falls apart. What finally clicked for me is realizing that meals don't have to look one specific way, they just have to fit your life. And that's what Marley Spoon does so well. What I love is that Marley Spoon actually adapts with you. Some nights you cook, some night. Some nights you heat, and some nights you just need dinner done fast. They've got options for all of it. Without overthinking it. They give you over a hundred Chef designed recipes to choose from every week with quality ingredients and flavors that actually make eating at home feel exciting again. Comforting classics, fresh, balanced meals. There's something for every mood. And on those nights when I need dinner done like yesterday, their prepared meals are lifesavers. Convenient, delicious and on the table in minutes. If I do have a little more energy, their 20 minute meals or tray baked dinners are my favorite hack. You literally throw everything on one tray. They even include the tray and you're done One of my recent favorites was their chicken parmesan ciabatta sandwiches. Every single member of my family ate and enjoyed that meal and that is a rarity in the Carter home. Believe me, the best part is I am cooking at home more, stressing about food less and eating better without trying to become a whole new person this year. Fast track your way to eating well with Marley spoon. Head to marley spoon.com offer I have ADHD for up to 25 free meals. That's marley spoon.com offer I HAVE ADHD for up to 25 free meals. Marley Spoon meals reimagined for real life. Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. This little episode is one of my favorite clips from the podcast. It's perfect if you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen because let's be real, some of us ADHDers just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your midweek pick me up. It's Thursday, y'. All. Friday is right around the corner. If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember, my friend, drink your water, take your meds, grab a snack. Now let's get rolling.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Okay, so you faked it like crazy.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Did it take you a while to like not walk on eggshells in this environment or was it pretty much immediate?

[Matt]

It was easier this time because in this, my current job, because one, the boss gets it. Two, she is much easier to talk to about these kind of things. Like, if I had a question, I felt much, much more comfortable about asking it and not being judged or not.

[Coach or Interviewer]

It's that piece, isn't it?

[Matt]

And it's not like I didn't like other places. If I asked that question, even if it was legitimate question, it was like, why are you asking me this question? You're the director of marketing, you should know this stuff.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Yeah. Oh, I hate that.

[Matt]

And then. But then in my mind, every other job I had is like, all right, the CFO knows everything about the finances. You ask him a question, boom, he has that answer at the tip of his tongue. You ask the chief investment officer anything, he knows it.

[Coach or Interviewer]

So I should be the same.

[Matt]

I should be the same. And if I say, oh, let me get back to you, that's a sign of weakness. And like, what am I paying you? For why are you here? I mean, do you. Yeah, that was very strong. And I don't need a cortisol like

[Coach or Interviewer]

Spike just talking about that.

[Matt]

I don't need to do that now because one, I'm comfortable. Two, she gets it. And three, it's just a much more relaxed like her dog who's Irving is a great. Is a. Is a yellow lab. It was a seeing idol. Seeing, as she says, a seeing eye dog school dropout and is the sweetest dog. I give him a treat every time he walks in and it's like he's just right there and oh my gosh,

[Coach or Interviewer]

it sounds like the perfect environment.

[Matt]

It is. I. It has exceeded every expectation I've had.

[Coach or Interviewer]

So happy for you. I'm so.

[Matt]

Thank you.

[Coach or Interviewer]

So happy for you. Do you have any words of wisdom for someone who's like, I want what he has?

[Matt]

I. I honestly, no, I don't. But I would say just keep. I don't want to say, yeah, it's out. I don't want to say, keep trying. Keep trying. Because that's a little cliche. But it's. I, I don't want to. And I also don't want to say everything happens for a reason. But it. I was lucky that. See the way I found this job, it's kind of a funny story is that I was driving to a basketball game to watch a buddy of mine, and I was going down the main road of the town where I used to work, and I saw. And I've gone down that road a thousand times, and I saw this sign for this consulting firm. Like, oh, I've never seen that before. Oh. So I went home, I googled it, and I saw they had a job opening. So I applied. And the woman who runs that place, so she got back to me like the next day, which when you're applying for jobs is like, oh, my God, this is awesome. Yeah, that was a dope meat hit right there. She says, hey, I love your background. We don't need something like this, but I know somebody who does. Here she is. I've copied her on this email I think you two should connect to.

[Coach or Interviewer]

And that was Shelly.

[Matt]

That was Shelly. And that was two days later. I'm sitting in her barn, which is in her backyard where her. Our office is. And it was just like that. It was. It was great.

[Coach or Interviewer]

So cool. So I think maybe the words of wisdom are just. It is possible. It is, yeah, it is possible to find an environment like that, but it does take.

[Matt]

It does a lot of work, a lot of Stars need to align. Need some luck. Like, if I didn't drive down that road and see that sign and apply for that job and Google them and apply for that job, I don't know what would happen.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. What did you learn about yourself during this, like year and a half, two year process?

[Matt]

Professionally? I learned that it's. It. I learned that you need to be able to ask questions and admit that you don't know something. It doesn't have to be perfect. You know us, black and white. There's no dimmer switch. Yeah, but it's okay to have a dimmer switch. It's okay to say, hey, let me get back to you. Or it's okay to say, hey, I don't know what I'm doing here. Can you help me out? Can you guide me through this? I want to learn how to do this. So, you know, can I watch you this time? I learned it's easier now for me to do that kind of stuff.

[Coach or Interviewer]

So why, why is it easier? Is it. Is it. You've done a lot of work on yourself, like self development. So does that have to.

[Matt]

That does. It does. And it's. I think the work that we've done is as far as it's self trust, self confidence and everything, but it's admitting that you're not perfect. It's the. It's getting out beyond that black and white of perfection.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Accepting your humanity.

[Matt]

Yes. And knowing that who you're talking to is going to accept that too. Because old bosses would not have accepted that. They would have come back with her claws out and looking to send me out the door. At least that's in my head.

[Coach or Interviewer]

That's what it would be. I forgot to mention in the intro that you're a Focus member.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Coach or Interviewer]

You've been in focus for two years.

[Matt]

A little over two years. Yes. Ish. That's a good way to put it.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Tears. Ish. Right. So you're an A lister. Yeah. That's amazing.

[Matt]

So that's like the velvet rope of focused.

[Coach or Interviewer]

It is not just a vip, you're an A lister. And just being able to watch your growth through this whole process has been really, really fun because it's been a journey for you.

[Matt]

It's been. It's fun. Not fun, but it's interesting to see other people's journeys too.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Coach or Interviewer]

You've been in long enough to be

[Matt]

able to do that. And it's. And I've told you this before, is that I would not be where I am today. I wouldn't. You saved my marriage. You saved a lot of things. You be the tools that you've given me. I mean, believe me, my marriage is not perfect. There are lots of amends to be made because of the last year and a half, two years. And the math. Not mathing as we've talked about before, but I think knowing that those tools are there, or my wife knowing that those tools are there and just me using them.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Matt]

Or getting. Knowing that I can use them has. I don't want to say kept her around because. But it's.

[Coach or Interviewer]

It's, it's. She feels hopeful because of that. Because she knows what.

[Matt]

Yes. I think there are times when she doesn't feel hopeful. Believe me, there are times. But, you know, I love her to death. We love each other very, very much. We have three kids, three beautiful kids. And it's just. Is to what to me? There's no other option.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Yes. I love that. I love that.

[Kristen Carter]

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[Coach or Interviewer]

I remember our first coaching call and just how stuck you felt at the time. I can actually like I can see. I know. I'm getting a little, like, choked up, too. I can see you in my. In my mind's eye, just feeling so defeated.

[Matt]

Yes. Because at the time. And I still had a job at that time. I was still working at that time. It was. I was. I didn't. I. I felt that I couldn't do anything right.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Yes.

[Matt]

Everything was wrong. It's like, if I loaded the dishwasher, why are you doing it that way? Which. The. The bowls go on the bottom, not on the top. And I'm like, okay. Before, I would be like, well, what are you getting mad at me for? Do you want to do it? Then, fine, you do it now. It's just like, oh, okay, that's a good idea.

[Kristen Carter]

It's.

[Matt]

I've learned to see, and I'm still a lot of work to do in this, but the work that I have done has made a difference. Is that seeing other perspectives and doesn't

[Kristen Carter]

mean that you're bad.

[Coach or Interviewer]

There's something wrong with you.

[Matt]

Right.

[Coach or Interviewer]

If someone says, like, no, do it this way.

[Matt]

Right. And I need to get better at not being defensive because that's. And that's the biggest, you know, wedge between my wife and me. Whenever it's. Whenever things aren't great, it's because she says something and I'm like, okay, fine, I'm wrong.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Right.

[Matt]

I'm wrong again. Here we go.

[Kristen Carter]

Right.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Right.

[Matt]

But the other perspective, like, my son, last week, he. They lost their soccer game. Then he had two shots that would have been goals, and he comes home and he's all bummed out. I was like, all right, I'm sorry, bud. Good effort, you know, still fun watching you play. I love going to watch you play and all that kind of stuff. He goes. He's dropping F bombs left and right. And I'm like, oh, come on, kid. And he's like. He's like, philly, Philly teenager. And he's like, oh, it would have been different if I would have made those two shots. You know? I'm like, yeah. Or you could just say, hey, man, the goalie really got. Really. The goalie got me on those.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Yes. That's so good.

[Matt]

So that's the. I can see that when I'm talking to him. I have trouble. Trouble seeing it when it's myself.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Ad/Promo Voice]

And.

[Matt]

And sometimes when I realize it, I do see it. It's after the fact. And I'm like, oh, crap, we've already yelled at each other. We've already done this, we've already done that. And now I gotta go tail between my legs and say sorry. Yeah. And I don't know. It's.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Oh, yes. It's so, so, so hard.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Coach or Interviewer]

It's so hard when that emotional regulation is crazy, which I can't wait to talk about, because I know we're gonna go there. And feeling like you can't do anything right, that's a tough combo.

[Matt]

And it's. And it's the. Like I've said before, the black and the white, the yes or the no. There's no.

[Coach or Interviewer]

I think you're either right or you're wrong.

[Matt]

Right. Or you're wrong. But it's like. And. And doing things. It's. I think I forget who was on your podcast that said this, but it's like a soundboard where there's dimmer switches.

[Coach or Interviewer]

That was Marcy Caldwell.

[Matt]

Okay. So, yeah, she was like, ADHD or all the way up or all the way down. And I. This. It can't. To me sometimes it can't be in the middle. Yeah. And that's where she's like, well, if you load the dishwasher this way, you know, it gets this. And I'm like, all right, fine.

[Kristen Carter]

Right.

[Matt]

I've never loaded the dishwasher right in my life. So. And so it's. It's perspectives, and I've gotten. I have so much. So much. So much more to do.

[Coach or Interviewer]

But you've gotten a lot better.

[Matt]

I know.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Let's give you credit.

[Matt]

I know. I tell My. My therapist told me this. He goes, your GPS is headed in the right direction. You're driving 15. Your wife is driving 55. But they're all going in the right direction.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Oh, I love that. And that was that encouraging.

[Matt]

It was. It was. I'm like, can I just push the gas pedal a little more? I mean, I get it. That I'm making progress. I want to make the faster progress, and I think she wants that, too. And I. But she does understand that, you know, two years ago, Matt would not have.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Yes.

[Matt]

Would not have thought about. It's a different Matt. Yes.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Yeah. Oh, it's so good. Just getting back to the work environment you taught. You mentioned masking. Do you notice yourself masking in this new work environment?

[Matt]

I notice it, and then I stop it.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Okay, so what? Can you give us some examples?

[Matt]

Yeah. So this is. This is. We were doing. I forget. We were talking to a client, and we had this. We were on a call, and we were on a zoom call and asking questions and. And this. And I. I was thinking to myself, I'm gonna ask. I need to find this answer. But I don't wanna. I don't want to ask it. I don't want to ask it and I don't want to blurt it out because if it, if I ask this and I'm wrong and it's something that's very, very, very basic that I should already know, right?

[Coach or Interviewer]

It's like, if I should already know it, I shouldn't ask it.

[Matt]

Yes. Yes. So we got through the call and I slacked my, my boss, because we were both working at home and I said, educate me here. What is this? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she goes, she comes back to me and says, let me know how I can support you, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, stop right there. I was like, I'm not, I said, I said, I'm not trying to get out of doing whatever you're asked me to do. I want to be educated so I know to do it next time.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And she said, oh, okay, that's great. And I even told her, it's like, three years ago, Matt would never have asked this. Matt, three years ago, Matt would have faked it, asked a question, not. And, and if you got upset at me, Matt, two years ago, Matt, three years ago, Matt would have been like, oh, God, that's it. I'm, you know, I'm back up my stuff now. Or would have just, you know, not asked the question, given, you know, turned in work for the project. That.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Right. Didn't make sense.

[Matt]

Didn't make sense. Or would have been completely wrong. And you would have like, what the hell is this all about? And so I said, I need to know. I want you to educate me here. And. And she wrote back, she goes, this answer is everything in a little 100 emoji. And that was right there. I was like, oh, my God, this, this is, this is awesome.

[Kristen Carter]

Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to talk to you again next week. Bye.

[Coach or Interviewer]

Bye.

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