Podcast Summary

I Have ADHD Podcast

Episode 390: “Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back (Why You Keep Self-Sabotaging and How to Finally Stop)”
Host: Kristen Carder
Date: March 31, 2026

Overview

In this transformative episode, Kristen Carder dives deep into the pervasive issue of self-sabotage, especially as it affects adults with ADHD. Drawing from a live class in her coaching program, FOCUSED, she explores the roots of self-sabotage, how it’s tightly intertwined with personal identity, and most importantly, actionable steps to break free from these patterns. Kristen also candidly shares her own struggles, emphasizing compassion, awareness, and practical self-coaching as tools to spark meaningful change.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introduction & Personal Reflections

• Kristen’s Current Season (08:45 – 13:20)
  • Shares she’s currently in an “ebb” period — a tough season balancing family complexities and book-writing.
  • “If you've listened to this podcast for the last seven years...you have seen my life ebb and flow... That is okay. And I wouldn't even call this a period of low productivity for me. I would call it just like a really difficult season where I'm having to simplify so that I can survive and get the things done that I need to get done.”
  • Models choosing the “path of least resistance” to avoid burnout, i.e., reusing a live teaching for this podcast episode.

What Is Self-Sabotage?

• Definition & Experience (16:50 – 25:00)

  • Self-sabotage: “Any time that I interfere with my own progress... usually it's subconscious. And what I'm doing in those moments is I'm returning to what feels familiar.” (18:30)
  • Tied deeply to default beliefs about oneself—and these beliefs are not always comfortable, but they are familiar.

• Community Examples:

  • Procrastination, perfectionism, delaying bedtime, undernourishment, not following through, addiction.

The Identity Connection

• Default Identity and Familiarity (25:00 – 34:10)
  • Self-sabotage is often an unconscious return to a familiar identity, even if that identity is “I always fail” or “I’m always late.”
  • “If doing it wrong feels familiar...even though that's uncomfortable, it's not comfortable to have that identity. But it is familiar. Just because it's not comfortable doesn't mean it's not our baseline familiarity.” (27:30)
  • Community interaction: Listeners share their personal default self-beliefs: e.g., “I’m always behind,” “I can’t be successful,” “I always do things at the last minute.”

Set Point & Cognitive Dissonance

• The “Set Point” Concept (34:10 – 45:40)
  • Borrowed from coaching: everyone has an internal “set point” of what feels normal (money in an account, being late, free time).
  • When reality exceeds this set point, the brain creates discomfort (cognitive dissonance) and unconsciously pulls us back to the familiar.
  • “Our brains are obsessed with safety and proving themselves right.” (41:30)
  • Vivid real-world examples:
    • Arriving early somewhere, then “accidentally” running late by taking up extra time at home.
    • Receiving unexpected money, then promptly spending or giving it away.

Self-Sabotage Patterns & Manifestations

• Behavioral Examples (46:00 – 58:45)

  • Procrastination, last-minute perfectionism, conflict in relationships, avoidance of opportunities.
  • “If my identity is ‘relationships are hard, I always F it up,’ and things are going well, I might pick a fight just to revert to what feels familiar.” (55:00)

• Core Belief Inventory: Kristen asks audience to self-reflect and name one belief they would be willing to confront, surfacing themes of unworthiness, inability to finish tasks, chronic stress, etc.

The Paradox of Failure & Success

• Why Failure Feels Safer than Success (59:20 – 01:04:30)

  • For many ADHDers, failure, while unpleasant, is mapped and familiar—whereas success is frightening and unknown.
  • “In my opinion, failure is actually not as scary for us ADHDers as success is. I actually think that success is a lot more scary, a lot scarier, because we've been conditioned to believe since birth...that we fail.” (1:01:35)

• Personal Anecdote: Kristen shares how growing up poor instilled beliefs about money being “bad,” leading to instant discomfort and sabotaging when finances improved (e.g., always getting rid of extra cash), until she started identity work.

Steps to Interrupt Self-Sabotage

1. Build Awareness (01:07:30 – 01:22:00)

• Identify your core belief behind self-sabotage.
• Example self-questions:
  • “Am I content with my core beliefs about myself?”
  • “Am I open to a new identity in this area?”

2. Surf the Discomfort

• “Surf” the uncomfortable gap between your old identity (“set point”) and new success.
• “It requires some surfing — being able to sit with the discomfort of reality not matching our core belief.” (1:18:10)

3. Experiment with New Self-Beliefs

• Practice chosen affirmations, even if they feel impossible.
  • “I am a person who has money.”
  • “I am a person who is on time.”
  • “What if I am? What would I do if I was?”
• Expect inner resistance; keep practicing.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

• “Push through” isn’t the answer. Instead, acknowledge and validate difficult feelings.
  • “I can see that you're struggling. You're really nervous right now, and that makes sense. What do you need to get through this?” (1:31:20)
• Commit to treating yourself with care and curiosity when setbacks happen.

5. Honor Setbacks, Don’t Internalize Them

• When self-sabotage occurs, it’s not proof you “can’t” do it—it’s a brain pattern that can change with gentle, persistent attention.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Default Identity:

  • “Self sabotage is actually when we unconsciously return to our default identity. So this conversation on self sabotage is actually a conversation on identity.” (27:05)

• On Cognitive Dissonance:

  • “If my belief is I never finish anything, but I actually start to make some progress...somehow, some way, our brain often tries to interrupt our progress so that we can circle back to that core belief.” (31:40)

• On Awareness & Surfing Discomfort:

  • “Identifying when we're unconsciously just trying to prove that belief true and then sitting with the discomfort of reality not matching our core belief...that requires some surfing.” (1:18:10)

• On Safety & Familiarity:

  • “Familiarity feels like safety. Even though, like, we can logic our way out of that, right? Like, logically, it's like, am I actually safe if I'm late? It doesn't matter. Familiar equals safety.” (41:53)

• On Shame & Success:

  • “If shame is a baseline, we’re gonna feel shame. Either way...So what's the issue here? Is it the money, or is it the shame that needs to be dealt with?” (1:21:50)

• Affirmation for Change:

  • “I am safe. I can keep myself safe. I will figure out how to take care of myself.” (1:30:00)

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment Description | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------------| | 08:45 | Kristen shares her current personal/family challenges | | 16:50 | Opening of class: “What is self-sabotage?” | | 25:00 | Self-sabotage and our familiar identity | | 34:10 | The “set point” and examples with money, time, lateness | | 41:30 | Our brains’ obsession with safety and proving beliefs | | 46:00 | Manifestations of self-sabotage (perfectionism, procrastination) | | 59:20 | Why failure can feel safer than success | | 1:07:30 | Steps for interrupting self-sabotage (awareness, new beliefs) | | 1:18:10 | “Surfing” the discomfort of new identity | | 1:22:00 | Affirmations and scripts for self-trust | | 1:31:20 | Q&A: Handling setbacks with compassion |

Community Interaction & Practical Strategies

• Community Contribution: Throughout, listeners and FOCUSED members share vulnerabilities and experiences (e.g., “I can’t do things on the regular,” “My friends are secretly annoyed at me.”)
• Practical Strategies:
  • Name and confront your set point.
  • Replace “push through” with “compassionate support.”
  • Use “What if...?” to gently test new identities.
  • When setbacks occur, respond with curiosity and support, not criticism.

Takeaways

• Self-sabotage is less about “laziness” and more about a deeply ingrained idea of who we are—often fostered by years of living with undiagnosed ADHD.
• Interrupting the cycle means being willing to see yourself differently and staying with the uncomfortable—but ultimately freeing—process of building a new, more empowering identity.
• Compassion, self-inquiry, and community support are essential.

Final Thought from Kristen:
“Does this core belief about myself serve me?...Even if my inner critic is saying, ‘This is who you are,’ I can just say, ‘Okay, I hear you, but we’re working on something else here.’”

Related Episodes & Resources

• Do It the Easy Way (referenced as further listening on embracing ease rather than struggle)
• Next up: Self-Coaching Workshop (teased near episode's end)
• Join the FOCUSED Community for classes, support, and more