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I Have ADHD Podcast
390 Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back (Why You Keep Self-Sabotaging and How to Finally Stop)
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Quick heads up. This is your last chance to sign up for my free live webinar happening in just a couple of days. We are down to the wire here. It's called Too Much and Not Enough. Why ADHD Adults Feel in Trouble in Their Relationships and How to Finally Feel Secure. If you've ever felt off in your relationship like you're over apologizing people, pleasing, masking who you are, or swinging between bending over backwards and then blowing up, this webinar is for you. Because that feeling of being in trouble, it's not random and it's not your personality. There's a real reason why brain and body are reacting this way and once you understand it, everything will start to shift. In this webinar, I'm going to help you connect the dots and show you the first step toward actually feeling secure in your relationships. We're going live soon. We're going live Wednesday, April 1st at 12:00pm Eastern. You got to sign up. Yes, I'll send you a replay, but you got to sign up to get one. So if this is resonating go to I have ADHD.com relationships that's I have a D H D.com relationships to sign up and I will see you there. This episode is sponsored by Marley Spoon. Every year I tell myself I'm going to get better at meal planning and every year life happens and it all falls apart. What finally clicked for me is realizing that meals don't have to look one specific way, they just have to fit your life and that's what Marley Spoon does so well. What I love is that Marley Spoon actually adapts with you. Some nights you cook, some nights you heat and some nights you just need dinner done fast. They've got options for all of it without over overthinking it. They give you over a hundred chef designed recipes to choose from every week with quality ingredients and flavors that actually make eating at home feel exciting again. Comforting classics, Fresh balanced meals. 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Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast where it's all about education, encouragement, and coaching for adults with adhd. I'm your host, Kristin Carter, and I have adhd. Let's chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting, relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I'll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point A to point B. Hey, what's up? This is Kristin Carter and you've tuned in to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. Welcome, welcome. Get in here, get in here. This is going to be an episode that blows your mind. I cannot wait for you to hear it. I really cannot wait for you to hear it. We're talking about self sabotage today. O M F G is self sabotage. Something that impacts the ADHD community over and over and over and over. We take like two steps forward and then three steps back. Just like Paula Abdul, but not as cute. It is so, so difficult for those of us with ADHD to interrupt our self sabotage patterns and even recognize them in the first place. And this episode, I am telling you, will change your freaking life. This is a class that I taught in my ADHD coaching program called Focused, and I got so much feedback from our members about this particular class. So many people came into Slack after the class or after listening to the replay and said, oh, my gosh, this changed my life. This is one of the most impactful classes that I've ever taught and I am sharing it with you. Why? Well, as previously discussed, I'm struggling. As previously discussed, I am struggling. And if you've listened to this podcast for the last seven years that it has been on the air, so to speak, you have seen my life ebb and flow. You have seen me gone through phases of being just like, totally on it and feeling great and then also periods of time where I'm just not okay. And that's all right. This is one of those times. I'm in an ebb. I am not in the flow. I am in an ebb with work and family, which right now, family is a little Bit complex with some things happening with one of our kiddos. So that's like, added a huge layer. And then writing a book, y', all, it's just like, it's so much. And so I'm allowing myself to be in that ebb and I am talking to you about it and not just pretending everything is fine. Because when we pretend that everything is fine, at least like when leaders in the, in the community pretend like we've got it all together, pretend like we're robots, pretend that everything is fine, I. I'm doing you a disservice, right? Because I'm making it look like, oh, if you just, like, got your life together, everything would be great. No, that's not how it is. Like, we all, no matter how evolved, no matter how much self development work we've done, no matter how far along we are on our ADHD journey, we're all going to ebb and flow. We're all going to have periods of, like, high productivity and periods of low productivity. That is okay. And I wouldn't even call this a period of low productivity for me. I would call it just like a really difficult season where I'm having to simplify so that I can survive and get the things done that I need to get done. Now in this class, you're going to hear me talk about self sabotage. And self sabotage is something that I could have done, which would be to push myself and to say, you've got to do it perfectly. You're. You're getting lazy. You're just not following, flowing through, you're unreliable. And then I would push myself to burnout. And then I would have to go into the cave. If, you know, you know, I would have to go into the cave and hide and cancel everything for like three weeks to recover. I'm not going to do that. Okay, so this is me taking the path of least resistance. If you haven't listened to that episode, do it the easy way. If you haven't listened to that episode, you need to go and listen to that episode right after you hear this one, because this is the living, breathing example of me doing it the easy way. Am I still offering you a podcast? Yes. Is it still going to change your life? Actually, I think it might be more powerful than any, like, recorded in the studio solo show that I could have given you. Okay, so this is going to be so impactful, but it's also an example of me taking the easy way. Me making sure that I'm still doing my job and giving you what you deserve. Which is a new podcast every week and not burning myself out. So this is me walking my own walk, walking my talk, taking the path of least resistance in order to protect what I need to protect and stave off burnout. Okay, so that's what it is. Yeah. Self sabotage is a whole thing. And what you need to know is that it is something that you can interrupt and you can overcome 100%. I guarantee it. Take it to the bank and cash it in. And I'm giving you the exact tools that you need in order to recognize, recognize self sabotage and interrupt it. Okay? And as I said last week, this is a peek behind the curtain of, like, what we do in focused. And so if you've been curious about focus, is it worth it? These are the types of classes that you get. I also do coaching, but these are the types of, like, teaching classes that you're going to get. And if I do say so myself, they're fire. They're actual fire. Now, one quick note. During the class, I am using a whiteboard to teach. So if you hear me pause, like, if you're. If you're in the listening audience, if you're a Spotify or an Apple user, shout out to all of you. Love you. Love you. You may hear me pause from time to time. And that's probably just because I'm writing something down or. Or drawing something out on the whiteboard. Okay, so if you are like, what are you doing? And if you like visuals, just head over to YouTube and you can watch the episode on YouTube. Right. I hope you love this class. I know it's going to change your life. Engage with it, Take the gold, leave what's not for you. Enjoy every second, and I will be here live with you next week. All right? Enjoy this class on self sabotage. All right, how's it going? I am so looking forward to this conversation because I truly believe that self sabotage is one of the reasons why we feel like we're always taking two steps forward and three steps back. Like Paula Abdul, just not as cute. That's Paula Abdul, right? Take two steps forward, three steps back. We go together because opposites attract. Anyone? Anyone? Paula? Opposites attract with DJ Scat Cat. Love it. So great. Okay, so let's chat about self sabotage, how it shows up for us with ADHD and how we can overcome it. That's where we're going today. The first thing that I just want to touch on is, like, where do you see self sabotage? Are you. Are you noticing it in your life? Where have you seen it? Show up for you in your own life. Maybe even within this program, maybe even within focused. Where do you see self sabotage? Or are you like, I think that maybe this is an issue, but I'm not, like, aware of it. Today's class, I hope, is going to bring some very clear awareness to you so that you can begin to identify it and, like, put your finger on it and say, oh, wait a second, I think what's happening here might be self sabotage. D Says, making forward moves, like decisions. Sophia says, I'm not totally sure what self sabotage even means. Yes. Great. We're going to tackle that today. Steve says probably in focused. Perfectionism in creative pursuits. Yes. That's so good. Perfectionism is a huge, huge component of self sabotage. Oh, gosh. The chest moving fast, which I love. I love it when that happens. This is making me squirm. That's so funny. Yeah, we need some clear definitions. Okay, we're definitely going to get there. Social media, delaying bedtime. Huge. Putting off prep that I know will help me for the next day. Perfectionism. So good. Trusting myself in my confidence. Work, love, home. Yes. Perfectionism. Ditto to the perfectionism any goal I often work my way out of. Yes. In focused with my money, creative projects, everything. Probably being undernourished, avoiding eating and yet dragging around extra weight. Wow. Addiction. Yes. All of these are so relatable. Showering. Yes. Staying in toxic situations. Work and personal. Yep. So good. Okay, let's. Let's define self sabotage. Okay, so we're going to define self sabotage like this. It's any time that I interfere with my own progress, I hate it. Anytime that I go ahead and I interfere with my own progress, it could be on purpose, but usually it's subconscious. It's unconscious. And what I'm doing in those moments is I'm returning to what feels familiar when I sabotage my own progress. This is so hard. And this is just as. We're going to have to, like, hold hands while we discuss this. Okay. When I'm sabotaging my own progress, it's because I'm subconsciously attempting to return to what feels familiar to me. Now here's where it gets deep. Because what feels familiar to us? Adhd. Can we take a second and, like, sit with that question? What feels familiar? Do you have any answers for that? Stretchy pants. Comfort zone. Shame and blame. Anxiety. Pressure. Alienation. Hard. Feels familiar. Rejection. Feels familiar. Safety. Effing up feels familiar. This is like, this is my point that we're really going to be wrestling with today. If doing it Wrong feels familiar. If that's kind of your identity, is that I always mess it up and I'm a failure. If that's what I believe about myself, that I'm a failure. Even though that's uncomfortable, it's not comfortable to have that identity. But it is comfortable. It is familiar. Just because it's not comfortable doesn't mean it's not our baseline familiarity. I know, I got deep. Did we go too quick? Did we get there too quick? So this class actually has a lot to do with our identity. Self sabotage is actually when we unconsciously return to our kind of default identity. Our default identity. So this conversation on self sabotage is actually a conversation on identity. What do I believe about myself? Let's just pop that into the chat real quick. What is your default belief about yourself? Just name one or two things that you think regularly that you believe about. About yourself. Like what? What do you believe about your. Do you believe I can do anything? Is that your default belief about yourself? I'm always going to figure it out. Is that your default belief? Do you see what I'm saying here? So what's the default that you believe about yourself? Cheryl says I'm always behind. Okay, so if Cheryl's identity, her just default belief is I'm always behind, what's going to happen when Cheryl. Cheryl starts working ahead? If she starts working ahead, but her core identity is I'm always behind. Do you see how there's a conflict there? I can't be successful in what I want to do or I can't be as successful as others. Okay, so if that's Kathy's identity, I, I can't be successful. I'm never going to be as successful as others. And Kathy starts to build success. Is this the Kathy that is a landscaper? Do I have the right Kathy here? Not the right Kathy, but like, okay, she's like, yes, you got me. Okay, so if Kathy, if her belief is I can't be successful, but then she starts to actually gain success in her business, but her belief is I'm not successful, then there is a mismatch between what's happening in reality and her core belief. And then, then there's like the universe is upside down and I don't really even understand what's happening. And in those moments, that's when we begin to self sabotage. Okay. Katie's belief is I always do things at the last minute. That's who I am. I'm a last minute girly. So when Katie tries to make a plan to work ahead, but she has this core belief of I'm a last minute girly. Well, there's some major cognitive dissonance there. Huh? Huh? Yes. Okay, so I want to be very clear that self sabotage is directly correlated with our belief about ourself and what we tell ourselves about ourselves. Hopefully today what we're going to be able to do is identify a few core beliefs and be able to see how our success is in conflict with those beliefs and recognize some patterns of when we're actually just kind of going back to our core belief. All right, Are you with me? And feel free to put, if you have any questions that you're like, excuse me, I would like this answered, make sure you pop it into the Q and A. I just saw one go in there and it, like, reminded me. Okay, so I want you to know, like, the human brain is so, so, so, so wired to prove itself correct. That's just what our brain really wants to do. The human brain is like, obsessed with proving beliefs. True. Okay. Anyone? Yes. So when I have the belief, I'm a failure, but my, but I actually start to succeed. Now there is a cognitive dissonance. There is a conflict there. If. So, for example, if my belief is I never finish anything, but I actually start to make some progress within focused and I'm, I'm like, I'm getting stuff done and I, I'm working toward, like, let's say finishing a course, but my core belief is, nah, I don't finish anything. Somehow, some way, our brain often tries to interrupt our progress so that we can circle back to that core belief. Stupid, biased brain says, Maggie, girlfriend's just going to tell you how it is. Maggie, you're the best. Kathy said, I just had that I never finished anything tape running about an hour ago. Yep. I never finished anything. I never finished anything. I never finished anything. Okay, so now because the brain is obsessed with proving itself true, it's obsessed with familiarity. Yes, Claire, it's obsessed with kind of like, okay, this is, this is who we are. And so this is how we must act when we do something that's in conflict with that. There's some major, major, major cognitive dissonance. We're going to use the whiteboard today. Some of you have attended self sabotage classes before and you've heard me talk about this. It is so worth repeating. Years ago, a coach explained this to me and called it a set point. Set point. We see, we see this with money very often. Okay. Most of us. And tell me if you notice this. Most of us, if we haven't really done a whole lot of work around this. Will often have kind of the same amount of money in our account constantly. We constantly come back to our set point of what just feels familiar in our bank account. Now, it might be uncomfortable, it might be a kind of low number that's not comfortable, but it always seems to stay there. So even if we get a huge tax return, we end up kind of like getting rid of it somehow and coming back to the set point. Or maybe we inherit some money, but it feels weird to have it in our account. We come back to our familiar set point and we're like, why do I always. So this was me. I was. I was comfortable back in the day with less than a thousand dollars in my checking account. And if it ever went over a thousand dollars, my brain would be like, we need to do something with this. So I would either use it to pay off debt, we would make a purchase, we would move the money somewhere. Like, we wouldn't. I. I was so uncomfortable with having more than a thousand dollars in my checking account. It felt unnatural. And I didn't realize because I hadn't started doing this work that I was actually just consistently coming back to my set point of, you know, under a thousand feels normal. Over a thousand, something's weird. We need to get rid of this. Does anyone notice this in their money? Maybe you notice it with your weight, and whether you like your weight or not, kind of irrelevant. But it always kinds to. It always tends to kind of be the same. You might gain a few, you might lose a few. But then we kind of come back to our set point of like, this is what's familiar to me. Maybe you notice it with your. With your free time. With your free time where you're like, I'm used to having X amount of free time. If I get more free time, I spend it. That's kind of like a weird way to say it, but, like, I get rid of my free time. So I plan something because I'm like, I don't know what to do with this free time, so I gotta fill it. Somebody said this. Oh, Claire said, regarding money. She says, I got a big advance with my books and I lost it all. I even thought the money felt great in my bank account. I was so confused. Yes. Because it was super unfamiliar. And unconsciously, I'm doing a lot of guessing here, Claire, so you can totally correct me, but unconsciously it was like, this does not match my identity. Feels great to have it, but this isn't who I am. So I gotta get rid of it. Right. And so we spend it, or we move it somewhere else, or we, like, pay off debt, and we're like, I just gotta get rid of it. Not the paying off. Not that any of that is bad. Kristen B. Says, with time. Yes. When I'm running early, I do something that takes up the time and I end up being late. That's a perfect example. Kristen. Maggie said, Oh, I never realized I do this with free time. Exactly. Okay, so we're. If. If the set point is if what's familiar, even though it's not comfortable, even if it's. If the set point is I'm always running late. That's who I am. Okay, let's use time as our example. So the belief is I always run late. That's who I am. That's my identity. That's the core of who I am. Now, is that comfortable? No. But guess what? That doesn't matter, because it's what's familiar. And our brain and body is obsessed with familiar. Because guess what? Familiarity feels like. It feels like safety. Even though, like, we can. We can logic our way out of that, right? Like, logically, it's like, am I actually safe if I'm late? It doesn't matter. Familiar equals safety. And our brain and body. Obsessed with safety. Obsessed. Okay, so our brains are obsessed with safety, and they're obsessed with proving themselves. Right. We gotta prove it. Right. So if my belief is I always run late and I just happen to be early, guess what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna fill the time. Oh, my gosh. I have time to unload the dishwasher now. Guess what I just did. I just self sabotaged. Unconsciously, I sabotaged my ability to actually be early, show up on time. And now I'm running late again. Because my belief is I always run late. Jamie says I think I do it because it makes me feel in control. I'll sabotage myself before I'm rejected or I fail. Yeah. Because if my belief is I'm gonna fail, I always fail. I'm always rejected. I'm gonna be in control of that. Excuse me. That I want to control that it gives me. This is Maggie. And I totally agree. It gives the certainty of I know who I am. I'm always rejected. So I'm going to control that. I'm going to reject myself ahead of time so nobody can do it to me. Yes. Courtney says this reminds me of the situation where freed prisoners may end up back in prison because they don't know how to function. Without that structure, this is who I am, this is how I function. Don't really know how else to function in the world. Okay, so if we have our set point here, but we, we actually want to like have success and we start living in this success up here. So if you're seeing like the set point is lower, the success is higher, we start living in this success up here, our brain, unless we're doing identity work, which is why we're here, which is why you're in focus, which is why like 75 of you are in this class, which is why you press play on this replay because you're like, I actually do want to have some success. Hello, I'd like a little success, please. So you start doing some focused work, you start doing some self development, you start making some progress and then you're like, wait. Your brain and body, whether you realize it or not, will at some point be like, there's cognitive dissonance here. Because I am not used to doing it quote unquote, right. I'm not used to not failing. I'm not used to not being late. I'm not used to actually having some money in my account or you know, going to the gym regularly or whatever the case may be. And so what happens is we have some cognitive dissonance. It's like, this is uncomfy. This doesn't match who I believe that I am. And so I inevitably, unless I am super aware of it, I'm inevitably going to self sabotage in some way so that I can get back down to my familiar and quote unquote safe set point. Because this is who I am. So that might look like, you know, let's say, let's say your goal is I'm going to go to the gym three times a week. I want to be healthy, I want to move my body. That requires maybe for you getting up early and you start to gain some success with that. And then all of a sudden you realize, I'm staying up late, doom scrolling. And, and that staying up late is sabotaging your ability to get up in the morning. Right. And so now it's out the window. Yes, Going to bed late resonates with a lot of you. Cognitive dissonance is when our reality does not match up with our belief and there's a huge discomfort. So if my belief is I'm always late, but my reality, I start to, because I'm doing this work and I'm starting to show up on time and all of a sudden now I'm going to be 10 minutes early. There's like, wait a second, this doesn't match. There's cognitive dissonance there. Belief and reality are not matching up. They're not aligning. And so now I'm unconsciously. Whoopsie daisy. Oh, I had this extra 10 minutes. But instead of arriving to my destination early, getting there on time, now I'm loading the dishwasher really quick. Oh, I could just do one more thing before I get out the door. Right? And now I've self sabotaged and now I'm arriving late because that is matching my belief. This is who I am. I show up late. Yes. Oh my gosh, Jenny. And then you have people who know you say stuff like what, you're on time. Who is this person? Exactly. So it's not just you that is confronting you. It's also others who are kind of locked into your identity as well. And they're saying, this doesn't match who I know you to be. This doesn't match my belief about you. Okay, so this can look like procrastination, right? When things start to really matter, this can look like all of a sudden perfectionism coming in and like I finished the project, but now perfectionism. So like I finished the project on time, but my core belief is I don't finish nothing on time. So now perfectionism comes in to say, well, I should probably edit it. Well, now I have time to look it over and make it perfect. And so now I'm like delaying, delaying, delaying because of perfectionism. Doom scrolling instead of finishing packing. Oh, sorry. Picking a fight when things, feel when things are good in my relationship. So if my identity is. Relationships are hard. I always F it up or I don't deserve a healthy relationship and I actually like meet somebody wonderful, maybe a friend that's like just lovely and we're getting along and everything's going great, but that feels weird. That's not who I am. That's not what I'm used to. And so now I find myself picking fights, causing drama, looking for rejection when it's not actually even there. Not that I've done that or anything. Maybe not taking an opportunity that is presenting itself to you because your belief about yourself is I'm not successful, I can't handle that. Right. Negative self talk spiral, all of it. Okay, so a huge part of this is really identifying our core beliefs and being open, Just being open. Having like a tiny bit of willingness to confront them. What if I'm not always late? What if, what if I'm someone who has $5,000 in her checking account instead of a thousand? What if that's who I am? What if that's what I want to believe about myself? What if I'm someone who has healthy relationships? What if. Is it possible that I could be someone who has peaceful relationships? Julie says my set point has autonomy, resistance against a new success line. It's like a demand avoidance piece for Julie. It's so good. I mean, it's not. I'm saying thank you for sharing. That's a really good point. Ooh, Hannah says, I realized that I've actually been doing this to a friend and I need to be better about that. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. Okay, so can you take just a moment to self reflect? And if you're listening to the replay, just say the answer out loud. Wherever you are. We'll hear it. We're in this community together. We'll hear the universe sending us your answer. What is one belief about yourself that you'd like to maybe be willing to confront? Just think that through for a second. Yes. Oh, my God. That's a good one. I can't make more money. I can't make more money. I can make this amount, whatever that is, but I can't make this amount. I'm not willing to work hard enough. Jamie is the same one as Kathy. I can't make more money. I can't do things on the regular, like consistently, like write a blog. I don't belong. My friends are secretly annoyed at me. Yes. Oh, my gosh, let's look at that one. If my set point is I don't belong, that's what I believe about myself. Am I not going to just see that everywhere, even when it potentially isn't quite there? Right. Right. I can't finish things on time. If I'm successful, you will hate me. Big one. I'm always going to feel like I'm struggling mentally. Yeah. When something goes wrong, I'm at fault. That's one that I've. I've been working on for years, Annie. Like, I'm the problem syndrome. I've been. I have been picking away at that in myself for years. I'm going to end up in a toxic romantic relationship if I start dating. I can't finish important projects. I never finish projects. By the time that I say that I will finish them. I can't not be stressed. Oh, such a good one. I'm not worthy. I'm not decisive enough. Oof. I can't get myself and my family out the door in the morning. Like the rest of the world. I don't have enough time. I always have too much to do. I'm just a big old mess. Caitlyn's like, I feel all of these. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Oh, Tamara, that's so kind. If I'm stable and healthy, I'll have a boring life and be a boring person. That's a really, really, really important one to look at. Hello. Hello. So good. Okay, here's the thing for so many of us ADHDers is that even though failure is uncomfortable, in my opinion, I'm gonna. I'm gonna say something, and you, I want you to test it and see if it's true for you. Even though failure is uncomfortable for so many of us, it's part of our identity, and so it's actually very familiar. Okay, Kristen, thank you for proving my point. Kristen says, I feel relief when I fail. Excuse me? Why? Why do we feel relief when we fail? Not all of us, but for some of us, it's like, I knew this was who I was. Now I can stop trying. Now I don't have to do more work. In my opinion, failure is actually not as scary for us adhders as success is. I actually think that success is a lot more scary, a lot scarier, because we've been conditioned to believe since birth, in my opinion, for many of us, that we fail, we actually are pretty good at it, meaning we know how to fail. We've been there. We've done that. We have a map, a mental map of how to fail and recover. Do we have a mental map for success? Do we have a mental map for what it looks like to be persistent AF and get the shit done? Do we have a mental map for what it looks like if I'm. If I'm really, really good at my job and I get promotion and promotion and promotion? Do I have a mental map for losing weight and keeping it off or making money and keeping it in my account or having free time and actually using it to rest and to regulate and to show up on time? Carol says my one time being coached by Kristen was all about how I was afraid of success. Right. Failure for a lot of us. And I'm. I'm trying not to speak for everyone. I want to give you a voice. So if this is not your belief, your story, that's totally fine. I want to. I will be here in the chat to read. To read what you are contributing as well. But for a lot of us, failure is, now I can stop trying. Now I can be who I Always knew that I was who I've always been told that I was. Now I don't have to do the hard thing. Now I don't have to be seen. Now I don't have to be vulnerable. Now I don't have to put myself out there with that in mind. Doesn't self sabotage make so much sense? Doesn't it make sense? Isn't it like, oh, oh, this makes so much sense. I get it now. I get it now. For me, when I started to. When we started to make some money. Now, I want, like, a lot of you don't know my story. I grew up poor. Like, not fake poor, but, like, poor poor. Like eating roadkill off the side of the road because we couldn't afford meat poor, okay? Like poor. I grew up poor. And not only that, but there was morality attached to not having money. And the way that my parents talked about people who had money, they would say, money doesn't buy happiness. Money isn't everything. Rich people aren't happy. There was, like a morality attached to having money, okay? And so, of course, I married a pastor. Pastors make no money. And I fully embodied the identity of, like, money does not matter. Money is the root of all evil. Exactly. All of that. All of it. Right? When I really got frustrated with not being able to pay my bills, when I really started to get frustrated with overdrafting my account, having to, like, put heating up for our home, like, basic needs on credit cards, and then always being in debt. When I actually. When I actually started to get frustrated with that and want to change it, I had to confront identity, beliefs about myself. Anyone. Now, this is just one story about one thing. We have to do this in so many different areas of our lives. I'm just using this example of money. Okay? So we got to a point where we were able to pay our bills, and it was like, luxurious, like, I'm talking luxury to be able to pay bills. But then whenever the account went over a certain amount, it was like something felt weird inside of me. And it was so impulsive. I never thought about it, but I always got rid of it. I would donate it. I would say, oh, we should put that to our mortgage. Like, pay off our mortgage faster. I would. I would find a way to get rid of the money in our account because my belief was I'm not someone who has money and money is not a good thing. Even though I was frustrated with our financial situation, and as I began to unravel that belief, it allowed me. I'm not saying that like, just unravel your beliefs and you're gonna make money. That's not at all what I'm saying, but it allowed me to begin to confront my cognitive dissonance and keep more of my own money, right? Like, actually allow for money to sit in my account and look at it and have my brain tell me, we should get rid of it. We should do something with it. We should. Like, it's just sitting. We shouldn't have it and just sit with that, like, discomfort. Now, this is, again, this is just one example, but it could be the same for you with time, where you're given the gift of time and you're uncomfortable with it. You're like, what am I? I got to get rid of this time. I got to get rid of this hour. I got to spend it, so to speak. I got to spend this hour on something because I can't just be early to the thing. I can't just accomplish. Xy. I got to spend it. This episode is sponsored by AG1. If you're traveling this spring, I've got to say I love that AG1 travels with me. We're taking a quick trip to the Dominican Republic, and you better believe I'll be taking my AG1 travel packs with me. Their travel packs makes it so easy to stay consistent even when everything else changes. 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I did not believe it. As soon as I would say it to myself, my. My body would go, no, you're not. No, you're not. No, you're not. And I would just say, I, I am. What if I am? What if I am? What would I do if I was? So I am a person who is on time and your brain goes, no, you're not. No, you're not. Well, what if I was? Is it possible that I am? What, how would I act if I was a person who showed up on time? What would I be doing right now? How would I act? What would I do? I'm a person who's learning to follow through. No, you're not. Immediately. Your inner critic, your brain, your identity. No, you're not yet. But like, what if I am? I'm a person who keeps going. I'm a person who's willing to be seen. How's it sitting with you? Are we okay? Taking deep breaths. This is not, this is not like a quick hack. This is like, am I content with my core beliefs about myself? Am I, am I content with believing that I don't ever finish anything? Am I cool with that? Yeah, a lot of you are reacting to what I said. I'm a person who is willing to be seen. Yeah. Because even like, for example, with the financial shift that I, that I made, I started with like keeping more money in the account, which is extremely comfortable, uncomfortable. The next thing we did was, like, pay off debt, which felt really weird. Eventually we got to the point where I was building a house. Who in this class was in focused during the time where I was building the house? Does anyone remember how uncomfortable that was for me? It was so uncomfortable. Now I was a privileged white woman from the suburbs who was building a home. Like, talk about the most amazing privilege ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. And do you know what? I struggled. I struggled because what are my parents going to think? What is our church going to think? What is, what is. What are people going to say when. Because, like, for a little while, we like secretly had money. Do you know what I'm saying? Nobody needed to know we were living comfortable. We were able to pay our bills, we were able to save. Nobody knew we were living in a 1700 square foot home, very, for five people, very small, in like just a, you know, just like a basic Pennsylvania neighborhood. It was great and we loved it. And I literally wish we could have stayed in the house. But like, being able to be exposed and say, like, oh, I'm gonna go build a home in this beautiful new neighborhood and then people will actually know. Nothing blows your cover like building a home. I know, and I Don't struggle with it anymore. But my gosh, did I struggle with it at the time. Now I actually forgot about it. I wasn't planning to talk about it on this class because I'd literally forgotten about it because my identity has shifted. My identity has shifted so much. But at the time I was like, I don't want anyone to know. This is so. I was embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. Like literally full of shame. Full of shame. And I wonder what that looks like for you. What does it look like to you for in your situation, let's say that you become a person who is successful at your job. What does it look like to you to get a promotion and to have all your colleagues say, oh, so you were chosen for that, for that promotion. Okay, what does it look like for you, Kathy, to have a successful landscaping business? What does it look like? Yeah, and I agree with that. She says I, I'm the opposite. I'm ashamed of not making more. I also felt that I, I want to offer to you that if shame is a baseline, we gonna feel shame. Either way, you're going to feel shame for not making enough. And then when you start making enough, you're going to feel shame. So what's the issue here? Is it the money or is it the shame that needs to be dealt with? Right. Because if we're shame based, we're going to feel it no matter. I'm going to feel shame if I have a low position at my job. But then guess what? If you, if you, if shame is like a go to, you're going to feel shame if you get a promotion. I promise you. Sorry. So it's actually the shame that needs to be dealt with? Yes. Annie says I'm living the job change experience right now. This morning, parents in my daughter's grade shared public announcements about my new role in our WhatsApp group. This is from Annie. It was lovely, but I was mortified and so very uncomfortable. Exactly. Exactly. This is exactly what I'm saying. Hannah said a girl in middle school told me that she hated me because I was good at everything. I feel like that has stayed stuck in my soul. Exactly. Oh, honey. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, so the steps here, what do we do about this? Like, awareness is great, but awareness is not enough. Right. Like, awareness is great, but awareness is not enough. So one, we do need that awareness. We need to be able to identify the core belief that's kind of driving our actions. And we need to be willing to confront that core belief. Am I always a failure? Am I. Am I always late? Is that who I am? Is that what I'm going to believe about myself for the rest of my life? Am I. Or is it possible that I can evolve? Is it possible that I, that there's neuroplasticity available to me and I can change who I am? Is that possible? And then we need to be able to. And this is like a self coaching thing. We're gonna, we're gonna do a class on how to coach yourself in a couple weeks, or maybe it's next week. I truly have no idea. But identifying when we're unconsciously just trying to prove that belief true and then sitting with the discomfort of reality not matching our core belief. So if I believe that I'm always a failure, but I start to have some success and then the cognitive dissonance between the two, that requires some surfing. That requires some surfing. So we're going through a lot of paper today because I'm, I'm kind of doing it wrong. If success is up here and set points down here, the distance is measured by our surf practice. Being able to sit with the discomfort of the distance between our set point, which is what feels familiar. It's not comfy, but it's familiar. I'm a failure. I'm always late, can't do anything right. Everybody rejects me. That's our set point. But I start to have some healthy relationships, I start to have some success. And it feels freaking weird. And we can catch that and say, wait a second, let me just surf here. Let me sit with the discomfort of my belief not matching reality. If you stopped self sabotaging, what would you have to believe about yourself? I'd like everyone who has capacity to answer that question. If you stopped self sabotaging, what would you have to believe about yourself? Some examples might be, I'm capable, I can trust myself. My effort makes a difference. I can feel seen and not die. Yeah, Maggie. How about like I, I can feel seen and keep myself safe. I can keep me safe. I can change. I'm capable, I can unlearn. I'm pretty awesome. I'm precious and worthwhile. Helen, get over here. Yes, you are. I'm safe to be seen. I can figure this out. I've always been capable. It's a matter of choice. My finances can feel peaceful. What the hell, right? Like, what a crazy belief. What a wild thing to believe. My, my finances can actually, they can feel peaceful. It might be uncomfortable getting there, but I'm going to figure out how to make my finances feel peaceful. I'M a rock star at the office and a valued team member. I'm safe. Change is possible for me. It's okay if I make mistakes. I'll figure it out. I won't be punished. Here's the thing. Did people make comments about my home? A couple people have. It's been annoying. Just a couple? Just a couple. Not people I really care about, but just a couple. But. So it's not that I won't be punished? How about I won't punish myself? I won't tolerate punishment from anyone else. I'd have to believe I'm worthy. I can breathe. If someone hates me for showing my true self, that isn't my fault. I know what I'm doing, and I can trust myself. I can live in peace. It's not too late for these changes, Cheryl. Come on, girl. You know it's not too late. I can follow through and meet deadlines. I can take care of myself. I'm a catch. Yes, you are, Emily. People will be happy to celebrate me as I succeed. Carol, Some people will be really happy to celebrate with you. The right people will be happy to celebrate with you. If someone doesn't celebrate with you, it's a clear indicator that they are not a safe person for you. I can accept without having to approve. Oh, that's a good, good one. I know how to choose what to prioritize. Yes, you do, Alyssa. Yep. I'd have to sit with the discomfort of other people's judgment. Isn't that so? How many of you are keeping yourself small to appease other people and to. To hide and not be seen? How many. How many. How many of y' all are doing that? Could we just. Not so many of you are resonating with that. So how many of you feel like your self sabotage. Self sabotage. Unconsciously, totally unconsciously, is directly related to keeping yourself small? Yeah, guys, some of you need some new people, right? If I'm having to keep myself small to stay safe in relationships, then they are not safe relationships. Let's stitch that on a pillow. If I'm having to keep myself small to stay safe in my relationships, then they are not safe relationships. Yeah. Dee says, for me, I think the relationships actually are safe. It's my own baggage, and that is so fair. That's really a really beautiful, great observation. So for you, my. My dear, it's about trust. I'm going to trust these relationships. I am. Logically, I can look at the data and see that these relationships are safe. And so my job is to work on trust. What if I can't cope with success? Yeah, that's where surf comes in. Right. Hold being able to connect and hold yourself in the discomfort of success. Yeah. I love that Kathy offered to Claire. What about I can grow my business in a way that is manageable and healthy for me. Beautiful. I'm struggling a little bit with this kind of preemptively as the book is going to be coming out and maybe nobody will read it. But what if people read it? Do you know that I would rather my, my unhealed unconscious kind of default self would rather that the book is a flop. I already got paid to write was a respectable amount of money. I, I feel like the cost benefit analysis there was like an, an even match. The, the effort that I'm putting in with the payment that I'm receiving. Do you know that I would rather that it be a flop cuz what if people read it? I'm scared shitless about that, to be perfectly frank. Okay, so like I, I totally get that fear of success. Okay, let me just make sure that I covered all of my notes before I answer some questions here. When you feel the urge to derail, I want to offer you just a couple like affirmations, scripts, things to practice. I am safe. I can keep myself safe. I will get. I will figure out how to take care of myself. This is, this for me is the self trust work of putting the book out there. I trust myself enough to be able to take care of myself if people read it. I can keep myself safe. That might look like going in a cave, disconnecting from all social media, moving to the Dominican Republic permanently. That, that might be what it looks like, but I trust myself that I will do whatever it takes to keep myself safe. Even if it means moving out of the country. I'm gonna do it. I can regulate. I can regulate through this. I don't have to go back to my old identity. Just because it's familiar doesn't mean that it's the best thing for me. Just because it's familiar, just because it's what it's used to, what I'm used to, doesn't mean it's the best thing for me. Okay. Yeah. Our set points might not serve us. That is exactly it. My core belief that I'm a failure might not serve me. Yes. Stitch it on a pillow. Kathy, we're gonna be selling pillows on Shopify. Just kidding. I'm not selling pillows. Does this core belief about myself serve me? Does. Does the belief that I'm always late serve me and like, is that who I want to believe myself to be? And even if my inner critic is saying, this is who you are, this is who you are, I can just say, like, okay, I hear you, I hear you, but I. Like, we're working on something else here. Like, you can chatter in the background, but I'm. I'm moving forward. I want you to just take a minute, maybe close your eyes if you want to, maybe draw it out. If you're not an imagery person, I want you to imagine. Imagine a version of yourself that doesn't quit when it starts working. Imagine a version of yourself that doesn't. And you can substitute whatever word you need to for quit. That doesn't scroll when it starts working, that doesn't stay up too late when it starts working, that doesn't. Whatever you fill in the blank. Imagine that version of you. Mikaela says to me, to succeed feels like signing up to work. Exactly. Oh, gosh, I lost it exhaustingly hard over and over for the rest of my life. So your belief is success is exhausting. Success is exhausting. What if that's not true? What is that? What is. What if that's not true? What if. What if success is easier? What if. Okay, I'm going to answer some of your questions now. If you have questions, pop them into the chat. Okay. This is a great question. It's hard to see when self sabotage is happening. How do we decipher between stuff going wrong or our realistic limitations versus limiting thoughts? I want you to process it this way. And sometimes we can't figure it out until afterwards and we have to do the exercise, which is so much of coaching, processing it afterwards, figuring it out afterwards, doing the learning and the growth after, and then kind of working our way closer to the actual point. But something going wrong, that's not self sabotage. Stuff goes wrong all the time. That's life, right? But are we working through it and are we solving problems when something goes wrong, or are we throwing the towel, putting up our hands and saying, oh, it's done. I knew it wouldn't work. I knew I couldn't do it. I knew I couldn't follow through. I knew I would never get it done. There's a big difference, right? Figuring out how to do it no matter what, even when something goes wrong, versus throwing in the towel and just being like, eh, eh. There are also. We also have realistic limitations. That's fine. We need to figure out how to work within our very realistic, you know, limited capacity, adhd, brain, ebb and flow of motivation but there's a difference between being persistently working on it and just throwing up, the throwing in the towel and giving up. Yeah, the giving up step is the self sabotage. A hundred percent. It's kind of like the last step of self sabotage. It might start with like, oh, I'm going to doom scroll. Or it might start with I'm going to stay up too late. But eventually it goes back to throwing in the towel. I guess I'm just not someone who goes to the gym. I guess I'm not someone who works out. I guess I just can't follow through. I guess I'm just not someone who gets to work on time. I guess that's just not me. So now I'm not. I'm just going to stop trying. Okay. Are people with ADHD more obsessed with safety than neurotypical people? Neurologically versus behaviorally? Great question. I. I don't think we have a clear answer to that that I know of, like research wise. But I will say that growing up as a person with adhd, in a neurotypical family, in a neurotypical school, in a neurotypical system, religious organization, community, blah blah, blah, it's quote unquote dangerous, right? Because like we show up so differently and everything just feels wrong. So we often don't have this like established safety kind of like built into us or cultivated in our formative years. And so, so many of us are learning this in adulthood because it wasn't built for us and with us when we were in our formative years. So we, instead of having this like sense of safety, safety, we have what Tamara just named as Hyper Vigilance. I have to look at, I have to make sure that I'm not doing it wrong, I have to make sure that I'm not in danger, etc. Okay, try this for my name. It's Hega. Like heh, like in Help and then G Hega. Is that correct? Am I saying it correctly? Yay. Okay. I'm never gonna forget it. Also, is it possible Mind blower to help with my above question? Yes. Perfectionism is. Can be a form of self sabotage. Like I gave in the example. My. For example, if at my book deadline on Tuesday, I completed it, I finished on time. It was like 9pm on Tuesday, but it was still Tuesday. There were so many. I mean, it was not a perfect book. It's not a perfect book. Even after it's going to be edited. It's not a perfect book. But I could have easily let perfectionism come in and say, I Just need more time. I need to look at, I need to. And I, I mean, I could still be working on that gosh darn manuscript, right? As a form to protect myself so that it doesn't have to be read. I want nobody to read it. I often feel like as soon as I'm making progress, something happens. Like I get sick, kids get sick. Then I just forget. This is just the situation. Is this me self sabotaging by allowing myself not to try when things get back on track? Okay, this is an amazing, amazing question. Lindsay, are you still here? She is still here. Okay, great, amazing question. Who else feels this? That when things start to be in a rhythm, when things start to go right, when you finally start to like make progress and do things like the way that you said you were going to, inevitably a kid gets sick, inevitably you break your leg, inevitably something happens. I truly don't think that we're like causing that to ourselves. Like our brain is like, I'm going to break my leg to protect me from. But I think that we, we have this belief that like, I think it's also paired with executive function deficiency. So like once the momentum is interrupted, it is a herculean effort to get it started again. So there's that. Right. Additionally, I think that there is because we have this like inner failure belief. It's like, well, there goes I knew something would happen. And that part is the self sabotage. Right. It's like, well, it all went to hell. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Or I'm just gonna forget or I'm just gonna like, I'm not going to be persistent to pursue it. Yep. As soon as things get harder, it is hard to push through a new layer of challenge. Exactly. Yep. Ah, yes. It's so hard to get back on track. And here's the thing that is valid. It's harder for us to get back on track than it is for anyone else. And listen, I'm not about a victim mindset, but I am about honoring the reality in which we live. It is so hard to get back on track. But what makes it impossible is when we say, I knew you couldn't do it. I knew this was gonna happen. Screw it, forget about it. Instead of coming alongside and saying, oh my gosh, you poor thing, your kids just got sick right in the middle of your big project. What do you need? What support do you need? What additional layer of help do you need to, to get you back on track? So if we can have this like compassionate relationship with ourselves where it's Just like instead of what Drew just offered, which is like, well, screw it, I missed there. Go. It's all going to hell now. Forget it. Instead of that, it's like, okay, this is going to be harder. You have adhd. It's gonna. It's gonna be hard to get that steam engine going again. What do you need to make it work? What do we need here to make it work? I'm trying to move through and overcome cognitive dissonance. Feelings of anxiety and nervousness, like, first step feelings pop up. How do you best push through this? I don't think you push through. I think you honor, validate, and surf. Courtney, you still here, girl? Can't believe how many of you are able to stay this long. I. I super appreciate it. Okay, she's still here. You honor it, you validate it, you surf it. I'm feeling anxious. I'm so nervous. This is so difficult. That matters. I'm here with you. We don't need to push through, but I am going to feel this with you, and I'm going to give you whatever you need to get through it. We're not going to push through it, but we are going to get through it. Do you see the nuance there? Like, there's a little tweak. Push through is like, you're fine. Do it anyway. It doesn't matter how you feel. You're fine. What is your problem? Just get over it. Let's go. That's pushing through language, and we ain't doing that. Tamara said, dad, is that you? I love it here. I love it here. Okay, but compassionate language says, I can see that you're struggling. You're really nervous right now, and that makes sense. What do you need to. To get through this? Do you. Do we need to go for a walk, kind of surf these feelings out in nature? Do we need to have a cozy snuggle? Do we need to call best friend and ask for validation? What do we need to get through this, honey? Okay. Does that make sense? Julie? If success feels exhausting, if success feels exhausting, does that mean I'm trying to do the wrong thing or that I haven't done enough ADHD work? Self motivation feels so hard. Maybe I just need a boss. That's a. I don't have the answers for you with this. But, Mikayla, I would. I would really do some compassionate inquiry here and. And really check in with yourself. Why does success feel exhausting? What is it about success that feels exhausting? How can I make it less exhausting? What do I Need. What support do I need in order for it to not feel exhausting? So, for example, as my business was growing, I began to delegate and hire people to do things that I could do. I could do it, but it just was so much effort. Right? So, like, what do you need, honey? This feels really exhausting. What do you need to be able to get through it? How does self acceptance, acceptance of what is fit in? Like, sometimes I imagine the cognitive dissonance is a reality check, a warning so that we're not foolhardy. Interesting. This sounds to me, Tamara, like a secret. Like, don't get too big for your britches. Don't forget who you are. Don't forget that you're actually someone who fails. Like, secret covert little guy whispering. And like, self acceptance. I accept that I have adhd. I accept that my success is not going to be linear. I accept that even with the best of intentions and all the right support, I'm still going to show up late sometimes. I accept the reality of who I am and, and I know I'm going to succeed and I trust myself and ain't nothing going to get in my way. Right? Like, so, like, I think two things can absolutely be true. So I. This might be more like a goals related question. So you might want to kind of like, chat with a coach or like a safe, neurotypical person where you're like, hey, I have this goal. Does this seem reasonable? So if you were on the coaching call with Laura, I think it was on Monday. I coached Laura and she made a goal of finishing her dissertation in the spring, and reality kind of hit, and she was like, I'm not going to be able to do that. If she had chatted with a coach or with, you know, somebody that that was safe, that could really walk through the timeline of that, she probably wouldn't have made that goal. And that's something that we talked about on the coaching call. So. But that voice of, like, warning, don't be foolhardy. Like, what does foolhardy mean? I want my goals to be foolhardy. I want my, like, okay, so at the same time of not wanting anyone to read my book, I also want it to be a New York Times bestseller. That is foolhardy. That's ridiculous. But, like, what's the, what's the problem? If I believed that, if I was like, I'm going to be a New York Times bestseller, what would be the downside to that? On the other hand of that, how would I act? If I actually believed I was going to Be a New York Times bestseller. Gosh, this is making me sweat. I don't want to talk about it. Okay, Diane, here's the last question. Then we. I got to go eat lunch, y'. All. Is self sabotage the reason tools I use to stay focused on projects work for a while, and then they stop working? Maybe. Maybe. Diane, are you still here? Do you want to give an example? Yeah, maybe. Because do you believe that you are a person who can stay focused? That's the real question. It's not about the tools. It's about your belief, about yourself. Yeah. Diane, do you believe that you're someone who follows a schedule? Do you believe that you're someone who's focused? Do you believe that about yourself? She's like, sometimes. And maybe that's why it sometimes works, right? Maybe that's why. Now, listen, I time block, and sometimes I'm like, I ain't doing that. But I always come back to it as an anchor. Right? So, like, there are days when I'm like, screw it. I'm not doing any of this. Sure. But it's not every day I'm not. I don't quit. I circle around, and I'm persistent with it. Okay, y', all, this was amazing. Thank you so much. This was amazing. Meaning your contributions were amazing. Thank you. Thank you for, like, everything that you give to this community. Thank you. I appreciate you. Okay, we're gonna talk real soon. A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach me how to feel better about myself and to help me improve my organization, productivity, time management, emotional regulation. You know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with. I couldn't find anything, so I researched and I studied, and I hired coaches, and I figured it out. Then I created Focused for you. Focused is my monthly coaching member where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program, and I'm confident that you will, too. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused for all the details.