393 BITESIZE | PDA in Adults: Why You Resist Even Your Own Plans

Summary

I Have ADHD Podcast — Episode 393 BITESIZE

PDA in Adults: Why You Resist Even Your Own Plans
Aired: April 9, 2026
Host: Kristen Carder
Guests: Casey, Kendall, Doug

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Episode Overview

In this bite-sized episode, Kristen Carder and her guests delve into Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) in adults, particularly highlighting the startling resistance many ADHDers feel—sometimes even toward their own plans and schedules. Centering on lived experience, practicality, and neurodivergent self-compassion, the conversation offers validation and concrete insight for listeners who wonder, “Why do I resist even the routines and goals I actively want?”

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Realizing PDA in Family and Self (02:51–09:07)

• Casey’s Story:

  • Casey shares their journey to recognizing PDA in their children and ultimately in themselves. Initial searches for solutions to difficult parenting situations led them eventually to the concept of PDA.
  • Despite reading countless parenting books and following advice to the letter, things only worsened—highlighting a disconnect between conventional parenting approaches and PDA needs.
  • Classic autism assessments fell short because their child was social and made eye contact, leading professionals to dismiss other concerns (“Take a parenting class. You’re an overreactive mother.” — Casey, 05:20).

• Notable experience:

  • Casey describes the exhaustion and desperation of trying to soothe an inconsolable baby, feeling isolated and misunderstood.
  • When Casey encountered PDA framed through a “nervous system lens,” everything crystallized (“…it was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and I was like, oh, not only him, but also my older son, and not only him, but me.” — Casey, 07:37).

• Emotional Impact:

  • Coming to understand PDA was a relief and provided needed validation for Casey and their parenting choices (“Having this framework all of a sudden… I didn’t have to feel like a disappointment to other people. I had validation and I had acceptance.” — Casey, 08:54).

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2. Why Adults with ADHD and PDA Resist Their Own Plans (11:03–13:23)

• The Dilemma:

  • The hosts and guests recognize a common pattern among ADHD adults with PDA: a strong aversion to schedules, plans, and even self-imposed routines.
  • “I don’t want to make a plan because I don’t want to be told what to do—even by me.” — Kendall, 11:29
  • Kristen notes that, in her coaching group, members often hit intense resistance when asked to move from theoretical time management to actually putting things on a calendar.

• Beyond ADHD:

  • The resistance goes beyond typical ADHD distraction or impulsivity. “This piece is different… I perceive it [the plan] as a demand. And even if it’s a demand from me, I don’t want to see it.” — Kendall, 12:27

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3. The Internal Experience: Autonomy vs. Demand (12:56–17:10)

• Core Drive:

  • Doug clarifies that the aversion is often due to a loss of internal autonomy:
    • “If you have a PDA tendency, you have the subconscious part that’s like, I didn’t consent to that and now I’m going to react to it.” — Doug, 12:56
  • Even if adults logically consented (decided on the plan), their emotional or nervous-system response feels otherwise at the moment of action.
  • “They can agree on something… and want to be on board with you when they are regulated, but in the moment… they’re no longer in that rational part of their brain.” — Doug, 13:37

• Real-Life Accommodation:

  • Discussed ways to lower demands and increase a sense of autonomy:
    • Kendall chooses hotel rooms on the top floor for “a sense of being above, to get me back to a place of safety” (14:42–15:21).
    • Casey and Doug mention needing to body-double for scheduling or having partners manage part of their calendar as an accommodation (16:35).

• Self-Compassion and Accommodations:

  • “It’s easier for us to confront those losses of autonomy with a window if we’re looking through the PDA lens and accommodating ourselves in the rest of our lives with self-compassion.” — Doug, 17:10

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4. Building Self-Tolerance and Acceptance (17:10–18:12)

• Accommodating Ourselves:
  • The same principle used for supporting PDA children—accommodating their needs to lower demands and increase their window of tolerance—should also be applied to adults with PDA.
  • “Accommodate, lower demands, build that window of tolerance—to yourself, but it’s all for self.” — Kristen, 17:34
  • However, embracing accommodations for oneself is often more difficult for adults due to cultural expectations (“… it’s like, oh, I’m not supposed to be on the couch watching shows for ten hours. But, like, what if that’s what you need?” — Doug & Casey, 17:42)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“I had to figure out what was going on… I remember just having this total meltdown in the kitchen one time, just being like, 'Will I ever be able to do the dishes again, or am I just gonna hold this child for the rest of my life?'”
— Casey, 03:29

"It was relieving… I had a framework… I didn’t have to feel like a disappointment to other people. Like I had validation and I had acceptance."
— Casey, 08:54

"I don’t want to make a plan because I don’t want to be told what to do, even by me… Even when it's something that I am deciding on my own, that I know is values-based, that is important to me, that I want to do…"
— Kendall, 11:29

"If you have a PDA tendency, you have the subconscious part that's like, I didn’t consent to that and now I’m going to react to it."
— Doug, 12:56

“…accommodate, lower demands, build that window of tolerance—to yourself, but it’s all for self.”
— Kristen, 17:34

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Key Timestamps

• [02:51] – Casey’s realization journey and parenting story
• [07:17] – Discovering PDA from a nervous system perspective
• [08:54] – Emotional relief and validation in understanding PDA
• [11:29] – Discussion on resisting self-made plans and schedules
• [12:56] – Doug on subconscious autonomy loss and PDA reactivity
• [14:42] – Real-life example: accommodating PDA needs (hotel room anecdote)
• [16:35] – Accommodating calendaring/scheduling difficulties
• [17:34] – Applying the PDA accommodation model to oneself

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Structure of Self-Accommodation: The “Four S’s” (15:30)

Doug mentions a personal system that helps accommodate nervous-system needs:

• Safe (nervous system safety accommodations)
• Screens (comfort via media consumption)
• Sensory (intense experiences, novelty, dopamine)
• Special Interests (deep dives, overlaps with ADHD hyperfocus)

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Episode Tone

Warm, relatable, and validating—the episode is rich in shared vulnerability and pride in creative adaptation. Speakers consistently reframe self-criticism as self-understanding, and strive to make their way of being not just “okay,” but worthy of compassion.

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Conclusion

This episode succinctly and compassionately explores the roots and lived reality of demand avoidance in adults with ADHD—especially the distress caused when the “demander” is oneself. For listeners, it offers both solidarity and actionable ideas for self-accommodation.

Listen for: Real talk on what accommodations can actually look like in real lives, and why giving yourself grace is so crucial for real progress.

Transcript

[Kristen Carter]

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[Kendall]

Okay, I don't know if this is

[Kristen Carter]

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[Kendall]

It's Perfect.

[Kristen Carter]

If you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen, because let's be real, some of us adhders just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your mid week pick me up. It's Thursday, y'. All. Friday is right around the corner. If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember, my friend, drink your water,

[Kendall]

take your meds, grab a snack.

[Kristen Carter]

Now let's get rolling.

[Kendall]

Would you mind sharing your story of how you came to understand PDA for yourself?

[Casey]

Yeah. So, you know, I have four children who I now know are pda, but initially I just knew that life was really hard for us, like, beyond what having four kids close in age should be. And I read everything, so I had, like, stacks of parenting books, and I had. I was doing everything by the book and. And things were getting worse and worse and worse and worse.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Casey]

And you know, I have one child who is. He's like our canary in the coal mine. Right. Like, he's our most externalized presentation of pda. And he was physically aggressive. Right. It was something that, like, had to be addressed. I had to figure out what was going on. And I had been asking ever since he was born, like, is he autistic? Is he, like, what's going on? You know, I cannot soothe this kid. I remember, like, you know, just like having this total meltdown in the kitchen one time, just being like, will I ever be able to do the dishes again or am I just gonna hold this child for the rest of my life?

[Kendall]

Yes.

[Casey]

Yeah.

[Kristen Carter]

I threw a sippy cup at the wall once over that exact.

[Casey]

I. Yeah. Yes, I was.

[Kristen Carter]

I'm glad you didn't.

[Doug]

If you weren't holding your child.

[Casey]

I remember I created like, a whole system where I was like, if he's right, I took a laundry basket. He was like four months old. I mean, he just wouldn't even nap without my body there, right? Yeah, he was four months old. I put. No, yeah, I think four months old. I put a laundry basket next to me. I filled it with the coziest blankets and towels, made this whole wonderful nest. And I literally, like, stuck my foot in it so he could be next to me. Oh, my gosh.

[Kendall]

Yes.

[Casey]

And he still wouldn't stop crying unless I was holding him. And I remember, like, just like, what. What do I need to do? So, you know, we'd been having issues for a long time, but didn't know what was going on. And because he is social and makes eye contact, I was always told, nah, yeah, like, you know what?

[Doug]

Like take a parenting class.

[Casey]

Exactly. Take a parenting class. You're an overreactive mother. By the way, I'd read everything that they were suggesting. Yeah, I was doing everything they had suggested already before they told me to do it consistently. Consistently? Yes, yes, consistently. And wow. It was, you know, So I started looking for atypical presentations of autism on social media. That's kind of what my first thing was. Because I was like, well, this kid is neurodivergent. And I didn't know that term then. All I knew was like, maybe he's autistic.

[Kristen Carter]

Right?

[Casey]

I was like, something is not typical. I don't know what it is. I need to stop the violence and the chaos in my house. You know, like, my older two are boys. And I always thought, like, oh, they'll share a room. But I couldn't have them share a room because they would take the little. Like I had a little potty in their room because, like, you know, he was.

[Kendall]

As you do.

[Casey]

Right? As you do. So that in the middle of the night, like, we didn't have accidents. And like, as they were getting. Supposedly getting sleepy, they would literally take the. The inner thing and toss it across the room. Urine all over the place.

[Kendall]

No.

[Casey]

Right. And I was like, this is this, is this boys will be boys? Like, is that what this is? Yeah, it's not, right?

[Kristen Carter]

It's not.

[Casey]

But yeah, but I didn't know. Um, so anyway, eventually I was like, okay, I'll look up these, you know, atypical autism present presentations and symptoms. And then that fit better. And then just searching that on the Internet led me to pda. Um, and it was actually with Casey was the first time that I had heard.

[Doug]

Wow.

[Casey]

It wasn't the first time I'd heard PDA spoken about, but it was the first time that I'd heard about it through a nervous system lens. And it was the first time that somebody had laid out these five characteristics that we're talking about and that framed it for me. And it was like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I was like, oh, not only

[Doug]

him,

[Casey]

but also my older son and not only him, but me.

[Kendall]

What was that like for you?

[Casey]

It was relieving, you know, like,

[Doug]

you

[Casey]

know, I was supposed to be this really high achieving person. And I remember my dad always recounts the story where I was like, I turned to him and I said, I think I'm just going to disappoint everyone. I'M just going to be a mom. I know I'm supposed to do other things too, but I think this is what I can do and I'm just gonna have to disappoint everyone. And then all of a sudden I had a framework that was. And by the way, like, not to say that being a mom is a disappointing choice. Right. Like, I value it. I value having been a stay at home mom. It gave me purpose and was something that, like, you know, the needs that my children had felt important to me and therefore I had autonomy in choosing to meet them rather than like a deadline that didn't feel important to me, but like having this framework all of a sudden, like I didn't have to feel like a disappointment to other people. Like I had validation and I had acceptance.

[Kendall]

Yes. You know, so good. Oh, thank you for sharing, like the personal stuff. I really do appreciate that.

[Kristen Carter]

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[Kendall]

I would love to Casey, get your feedback here. And then if I could, like, if you would share some anecdotal evidence of this. Kendall, one of the things that comes

[Kristen Carter]

up for my clients a lot and

[Kendall]

myself is this feeling of I don't want to create a schedule or I

[Kristen Carter]

don't want to make a plan because I don't want to be told what to do, even by me.

[Kendall]

I don't even want to listen to me. Even when it's something that I am deciding on my own, that I know is values based, that is important to me, that I want to do. I literally taught a time management class yesterday and focused and we were chugging along, chugging along. Great interactive class. And then we get to the point of like actually putting things on the calendar. And there was so much resistance and it was like, I don't want to see this demand. Essentially, these words weren't spoken, but it was essentially, I don't want to see this demand on my calendar, even if I'm the one putting it there. And that to me is like, this is extra.

[Casey]

Like

[Kendall]

there's adhd, which is like, you know, like you're distracted and. And you are maybe inconsistent and you're impulsive and you have executive function. But like, this piece is different where you're like, I don't even wanna see that effing thing on my schedule because it. I perceive it as a demand. And even if it's a demand from me, I don't wanna see it. What the heck is that?

[Doug]

Well, I think it's the internal demands or the internal loss of autonomy. So it's like you have two parts brain, you have the rational part, which is like, I want to have structure and I want to make plans and I am running a business and. And a coaching families and all of that. And then if you have a PDA tendency, you have the subconscious part that's like, I didn't consent to that and now I'm going to react to it.

[Kristen Carter]

But I.

[Kendall]

Isn't consent you. Isn't the consent found in, like, you

[Kristen Carter]

deciding that you want it at that moment?

[Doug]

Yeah, in the moment. Oh, this is why we can make.

[Kristen Carter]

Kendall, that's so important.

[Doug]

Yeah, excellent point. So with kids, for example, like, this is sometimes why things like collaborative problem solving doesn't work, especially when they're in burnout, because, like, they can agree on Something when. And talk about it and understand it and want to be on board with you when they are regulated, but in the moment they're presented with what their subconscious brain perceives as threatening, they're no longer in that rational part of their brain.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[Doug]

So it's like they're just going into the reptilian part, and it's like, no.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep.

[Doug]

So I think that happens more frequently and more quickly when there is a buildup in the system. So, like, you know, rather than thinking about what's the solution in.

[Kendall]

For that one thing?

[Doug]

For that one thing, it's like, okay, I have my life.

[Casey]

Right.

[Doug]

And what are all the ways that I can lower demands, give myself autonomy, make me feel above? Like, Kendall, I'm just gonna. You tell it.

[Casey]

No, go for it.

[Doug]

So Kendall sent me a picture last night of her hotel, and she's like, I got the room that's the highest. Like, one of the highest rooms so that I have a sense of being above to get me back to a place of safety.

[Kristen Carter]

Girl.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Kendall]

Brilliant.

[Casey]

But I wouldn't have done dating. Yeah. It's accommodating. Right? I was like, yeah, it's going to cost me an extra 50 bucks. But, like, I have to do it because I can't think of myself below. Like, it's not a small hotel.

[Doug]

Right.

[Casey]

Like, there are layers of people on top of me.

[Kendall]

There are hundreds of people on top of me. Yeah. This is not okay.

[Casey]

This is not okay. It felt like suffocating, like, I'm gonna die if a bunch of people are on top of me. But if I'm on top, I can breathe. Wow.

[Doug]

And that's, like, a very adaptive thing. It's not like you're trying to diminish others. It's just like, yes. You might think, oh, this $50 isn't worth it, or, this is silly. So it's. It's really looking through the lens of your life of, like, I'm going to ask my husband or my partner to deliver me a glass of water that's right next to me. I'm going to allow myself to do what we call the four S's, which is safe, nervous system, screens, parentheses podcasts, and books. If you're analog, sensory, intense experiences, novelty and dopamine, which has some overlap with ADHD and special interests.

[Kendall]

Like, all of that.

[Casey]

I'm just like, gimme it.

[Doug]

So how can we incorporate all of that and the accommodations into the way that we structure our lives so that when we get to the moment, when we're trying to Put fucking things on the calendar. Which is our kryptonite.

[Casey]

Literally. We literally will text each other kryptonite. Because calendaring is very hard.

[Doug]

Like, I can't see it. My husband has started to have to do it for me, and I'm like, is this. Is this being autistic? Is this post menopause? Like, what is happening? And so I'm accommodating myself of, like, you need to body double me to go through this, and I need to write it on the calendar analog, and you need to put it in the Google calendar because I cannot see it. So anyways, like, it's easier for us to confront those losses of autonomy with a window if we're looking through the PDA lens and accommodating ourselves in the rest of our lives with self compassion.

[Kendall]

This is like, this is exactly what you said in the last episode with how we treat our PDA kids, which is like accommodating them so that we can build that window so that they then have access to their thinking brain and can live out what they want to do. And that's what you're saying here is like, accommodate lower demands, build that window

[Kristen Carter]

of tolerance to yourself, but it's all for self.

[Casey]

Yes.

[Kristen Carter]

Which I think is harder for us.

[Doug]

I know.

[Kristen Carter]

Human.

[Doug]

Yeah. Because it's like, oh, I'm not supposed to be on the couch watching shows for 10 hours. But, like, what if that's what you need?

[Casey]

Right?

[Doug]

Like, what's wrong with it? Objectively?

[Kendall]

Right.

[Doug]

Morally, I do it with reading and journaling. Like, when I was younger, instead of being on an iPad all the time, I literally spent every minute that I wasn't engaged journaling. And I have to look at what my boys do with screens as the same thing of, like, this is their regulation block.

[Kristen Carter]

Wow. Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full, full episode in the show notes. And don't forget to Visit I have ADHD.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to talk to you again next week. Bye.

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[Kristen Carter]

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