I Have ADHD Podcast — Episode 393 BITESIZE

PDA in Adults: Why You Resist Even Your Own Plans
Aired: April 9, 2026
Host: Kristen Carder
Guests: Casey, Kendall, Doug

Episode Overview

In this bite-sized episode, Kristen Carder and her guests delve into Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) in adults, particularly highlighting the startling resistance many ADHDers feel—sometimes even toward their own plans and schedules. Centering on lived experience, practicality, and neurodivergent self-compassion, the conversation offers validation and concrete insight for listeners who wonder, “Why do I resist even the routines and goals I actively want?”

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Realizing PDA in Family and Self (02:51–09:07)

• Casey’s Story:

  • Casey shares their journey to recognizing PDA in their children and ultimately in themselves. Initial searches for solutions to difficult parenting situations led them eventually to the concept of PDA.
  • Despite reading countless parenting books and following advice to the letter, things only worsened—highlighting a disconnect between conventional parenting approaches and PDA needs.
  • Classic autism assessments fell short because their child was social and made eye contact, leading professionals to dismiss other concerns (“Take a parenting class. You’re an overreactive mother.” — Casey, 05:20).

• Notable experience:

  • Casey describes the exhaustion and desperation of trying to soothe an inconsolable baby, feeling isolated and misunderstood.
  • When Casey encountered PDA framed through a “nervous system lens,” everything crystallized (“…it was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and I was like, oh, not only him, but also my older son, and not only him, but me.” — Casey, 07:37).

• Emotional Impact:

  • Coming to understand PDA was a relief and provided needed validation for Casey and their parenting choices (“Having this framework all of a sudden… I didn’t have to feel like a disappointment to other people. I had validation and I had acceptance.” — Casey, 08:54).

2. Why Adults with ADHD and PDA Resist Their Own Plans (11:03–13:23)

• The Dilemma:

  • The hosts and guests recognize a common pattern among ADHD adults with PDA: a strong aversion to schedules, plans, and even self-imposed routines.
  • “I don’t want to make a plan because I don’t want to be told what to do—even by me.” — Kendall, 11:29
  • Kristen notes that, in her coaching group, members often hit intense resistance when asked to move from theoretical time management to actually putting things on a calendar.

• Beyond ADHD:

  • The resistance goes beyond typical ADHD distraction or impulsivity. “This piece is different… I perceive it [the plan] as a demand. And even if it’s a demand from me, I don’t want to see it.” — Kendall, 12:27

3. The Internal Experience: Autonomy vs. Demand (12:56–17:10)

• Core Drive:

  • Doug clarifies that the aversion is often due to a loss of internal autonomy:
    • “If you have a PDA tendency, you have the subconscious part that’s like, I didn’t consent to that and now I’m going to react to it.” — Doug, 12:56
  • Even if adults logically consented (decided on the plan), their emotional or nervous-system response feels otherwise at the moment of action.
  • “They can agree on something… and want to be on board with you when they are regulated, but in the moment… they’re no longer in that rational part of their brain.” — Doug, 13:37

• Real-Life Accommodation:

  • Discussed ways to lower demands and increase a sense of autonomy:
    • Kendall chooses hotel rooms on the top floor for “a sense of being above, to get me back to a place of safety” (14:42–15:21).
    • Casey and Doug mention needing to body-double for scheduling or having partners manage part of their calendar as an accommodation (16:35).

• Self-Compassion and Accommodations:

  • “It’s easier for us to confront those losses of autonomy with a window if we’re looking through the PDA lens and accommodating ourselves in the rest of our lives with self-compassion.” — Doug, 17:10

4. Building Self-Tolerance and Acceptance (17:10–18:12)

• Accommodating Ourselves:
  • The same principle used for supporting PDA children—accommodating their needs to lower demands and increase their window of tolerance—should also be applied to adults with PDA.
  • “Accommodate, lower demands, build that window of tolerance—to yourself, but it’s all for self.” — Kristen, 17:34
  • However, embracing accommodations for oneself is often more difficult for adults due to cultural expectations (“… it’s like, oh, I’m not supposed to be on the couch watching shows for ten hours. But, like, what if that’s what you need?” — Doug & Casey, 17:42)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“I had to figure out what was going on… I remember just having this total meltdown in the kitchen one time, just being like, 'Will I ever be able to do the dishes again, or am I just gonna hold this child for the rest of my life?'”
— Casey, 03:29

"It was relieving… I had a framework… I didn’t have to feel like a disappointment to other people. Like I had validation and I had acceptance."
— Casey, 08:54

"I don’t want to make a plan because I don’t want to be told what to do, even by me… Even when it's something that I am deciding on my own, that I know is values-based, that is important to me, that I want to do…"
— Kendall, 11:29

"If you have a PDA tendency, you have the subconscious part that's like, I didn’t consent to that and now I’m going to react to it."
— Doug, 12:56

“…accommodate, lower demands, build that window of tolerance—to yourself, but it’s all for self.”
— Kristen, 17:34

Key Timestamps

• [02:51] – Casey’s realization journey and parenting story
• [07:17] – Discovering PDA from a nervous system perspective
• [08:54] – Emotional relief and validation in understanding PDA
• [11:29] – Discussion on resisting self-made plans and schedules
• [12:56] – Doug on subconscious autonomy loss and PDA reactivity
• [14:42] – Real-life example: accommodating PDA needs (hotel room anecdote)
• [16:35] – Accommodating calendaring/scheduling difficulties
• [17:34] – Applying the PDA accommodation model to oneself

Structure of Self-Accommodation: The “Four S’s” (15:30)

Doug mentions a personal system that helps accommodate nervous-system needs:

• Safe (nervous system safety accommodations)
• Screens (comfort via media consumption)
• Sensory (intense experiences, novelty, dopamine)
• Special Interests (deep dives, overlaps with ADHD hyperfocus)

Episode Tone

Warm, relatable, and validating—the episode is rich in shared vulnerability and pride in creative adaptation. Speakers consistently reframe self-criticism as self-understanding, and strive to make their way of being not just “okay,” but worthy of compassion.

Conclusion

This episode succinctly and compassionately explores the roots and lived reality of demand avoidance in adults with ADHD—especially the distress caused when the “demander” is oneself. For listeners, it offers both solidarity and actionable ideas for self-accommodation.

Listen for: Real talk on what accommodations can actually look like in real lives, and why giving yourself grace is so crucial for real progress.