395 BITESIZE | ADHD in Adults: Why It Took Me 40 Years to Believe in Myself

Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: I Have ADHD Podcast
Host: Kristen Carder
Episode: 395 BITESIZE | ADHD in Adults: Why It Took Me 40 Years to Believe in Myself
Date: April 16, 2026

This bite-sized episode features a candid conversation between host Kristen Carder and David, a member of her FOCUSED ADHD community, on the long journey to self-acceptance and belief for adults with ADHD. David shares his personal story of being diagnosed, struggling for decades with self-doubt, and ultimately finding both confidence and community through coaching and connection. The discussion highlights the transformational power of understanding, support, and self-trust for adults with ADHD.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Early ADHD Diagnosis and Lack of Support

• David's Initial Experience
  • Diagnosed with ADHD in 1997, David received very minimal information:

    "I think I was given, like, one sheet of paper or something like that." – David (02:37)

  • Did not read the recommended materials and was left to figure things out on his own, as podcasts or wider resources did not exist at the time.

2. Learning About ADHD and Seeking Help

• Seeking Coaching
  • David's journey to deeper understanding began after a career coach expressed frustration with his lack of follow-through:

    "She got so sick of me that she told me I needed to do something about my ADHD." – David (03:15)

  • After several months, he pursued ADHD-specific coaching, which became pivotal to his self-acceptance.
• Joining the FOCUSED Community
  • David craved more than one coaching session per week, leading him to join FOCUSED, Carder’s group program.

3. The Power of Community (FOCUSED)

• Feeling Adequate and Valued
  • David found a unique sense of belonging:

    "It feels like it's a community where I don't feel inadequate in the way that I felt pretty much everywhere else." – David (04:31)

  • He quickly became active in supporting other members, offering thoughtful feedback and encouragement.

4. Transition to Coaching Others

• Inspired by his own transformation, David started coaching inside FOCUSED:
  • He realized quickly:

    "I decided this has had such a big impact on me. I'd like to do it myself." – David (05:28)

  • Underwent multiple coaching trainings, contributing as both a coach and a community member.

5. Personal Transformation and Self-Belief

• Unlocking Frozen Potential
  • Coaching helped David reclaim parts of himself previously stifled by self-doubt:

    "It feels like it's just opened up a whole side of me that I think was kind of frozen." – David (06:02)

  • He acknowledges longstanding fears of failure but describes finally seeing his own value and potential to help others.

6. Self-Trust and Accepting External Validation

• Building Self-Trust
  • David notes that feedback from others was essential in pushing past internal resistance:

    "A lot of it was external. Just talking to other people and hearing that they thought it was a good idea too." – David (11:29)

  • Kristen emphasizes that self-trust doesn’t mean isolation:

    "Self trust is...also leaning on people who are wise and actually receiving their feedback. When they say, I believe in you, I think you can do this. Taking that to heart and truly believing it because it's not easy." – Kristen Carder (11:56)

7. Common ADHD Themes in the Community

• Sleep and Routines
  • One of the most frequently discussed challenges among adults with ADHD is sleep:

    "Strangely, one of the commonest is sleep issues and getting up issues." – David (09:44)

8. Emotional Regulation & Self-Coaching

• Learning to Manage Emotions
  • David describes his emotional upbringing as largely unregulated, with yelling as a frequent outlet.
  • With coaching, he’s learned to recognize when things are going off the rails and to respond with warmth and self-care:

    "If I tell myself that I will take care of my emotions, that helps a lot." – David (17:21)

  • Kristen reframes this as a form of reparenting:

    "You don't have to hate this part. I'm going to take care of you." – Kristen Carder (17:28)

9. The Challenge of Self-Coaching

• Self-Coaching Is Hard
  • David admits that it’s difficult to coach oneself:

    "It is harder to coach yourself than to coach other people." – David (13:26)

  • Uses the strategy of asking himself, “How would I coach someone else through this?” (13:48)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the shift to confidence:

  "I think there was always this feeling that even if I feel like I'm doing well at something, sooner or later I'll hit a buffer." – David (06:09)

• On finding a place of warmth:

  "If I tell myself that I will take care of my emotions, that helps a lot." – David (17:21)
  "Warmth is such a nice word." – Kristen Carder (16:48)

• On self-trust and community:

  "We always need and, and I think that we have this misconception that self trust is, I don't need anyone else. I. I trust me, so I don't need anyone else. But I think that is a piece of it." – Kristen Carder (12:34)

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Important Timestamps

• ADHD Diagnosis & Lack of Early Support: (02:37 – 02:47)
• First Encounters with Coaching & Joining FOCUSED: (03:19 – 03:41)
• Discovering Community & Coaching Others: (04:27 – 05:34)
• Personal Change – From Surviving to Having Something to Offer: (06:02 – 07:34)
• Themes Seen in the ADHD Community – Especially Sleep Issues: (09:44 – 10:07)
• Building Self-Trust With the Help of Others: (10:59 – 12:34)
• Challenges & Strategies for Self-Coaching: (13:22 – 13:48)
• Learning Emotional Regulation: (15:52 – 17:28)

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Summary

This episode offers an uplifting and insightful look at how adults with ADHD can move from lifelong feelings of inadequacy toward self-acceptance and belonging. Through the lens of David’s experiences, Kristen and David unpack the impact of community, the importance of validating feedback from others, and the ongoing process of emotional regulation and self-trust. The conversation is warm, encouraging, and deeply relatable for anyone navigating life with ADHD.

Transcript

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[Kristen Carter]

this episode is sponsored by Batch. I want to talk to you about something that doesn't get said enough. Sometimes you just stop feeling like yourself. Not in a dramatic way, just in a quiet, constant feeling of being a little off. Your patience is thinner, your energy is lower, but you're still expected to show up for everything. And that's why Batch caught my attention. Batch is a hemp wellness brand founded by chemical engineers, not marketers, and they focus on clean ingredients and full transparency. You can actually see what's in their products and why. I've been learning about their Micro Mints which are designed for daily calm and mood support. They dissolve under your tongue for fast absorption and the goal isn't to knock you out, it's to feel more like yourself. They also offer options like their CBD nighttime gummies designed for deeper, more restorative sleep, or their THC gummies, which are formulated for a little more balanced, controlled experience. What I appreciate is that this isn't about escaping your life, it's about supporting yourself so that you can stay present in it. Right now batch is offering so 30% off site wide. And yes, that applies to subscriptions too. Go to hellobatch.com I have ADHD and use code I have ADHD at checkout. Hey what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. This little episode is one of my favorite clips from the podcast. It's perfect if you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen.

Because let's be real, some of us

ADHDers just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your mid week pick me up. It's Thursday y'. All. Friday is right around the corner.

If you love this clip, check out

the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember my Friend, drink your water,

take your meds, grab a snack. Now let's get rolling. When did you start really learning about your adhd? Like, when you were diagnosed, were you told anything about what it meant to have adhd? What was that journey like?

[David]

I think I was given, like, one sheet of paper or something like that.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay, sure that you probably read what it said.

[David]

Yeah, I didn't read. Probably told you to read the book, which I didn't read.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep.

Yep.

[David]

That was it.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. There were no podcasts at that time. 1997, I don't think.

[David]

Did podcasts exist then?

[Kristen Carter]

I don't think so, no. No. So when did you start really learning about it?

[David]

I would say just before I joined Focus. I'd actually seen a career coach. She gave me some exercises to do, like, where do you see yourself in 10 years time? Stuff like that. Of course I didn't do them. And then she got so sick of me that she told me I needed to do something about my adh.

[Kristen Carter]

Oh.

[David]

So it took me about six months. I found a coach. I actually still see my coach today.

[Kristen Carter]

An ADHD coach?

[David]

Yes.

[Kristen Carter]

Oh, cool.

[David]

So she is really great. And then I think I just got on a roll. I think I decided I wanted more than just one session a week. So that inspired me to join Focused.

[Kristen Carter]

And what I love about you In Focus, David, is that you are on every call. I hope I'm not outing you here because it is so fun, because you are there. Like, you are really a part. Like an integral part. I already said it, but I really did mean it. It bears repeating. You are such a part of the community, so you knew what you needed and you went and got it. And that is admirable. Like you just said I wanted more than once a week, and you went out and found it. And now, I mean, that is just such a fun thing. Okay, so what has it been like for you in Focused?

[David]

I think the community aspect of Focused has been huge.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[David]

It feels like it's a community where I don't feel inadequate in the way that I felt pretty much everywhere else.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Not only are you not inadequate, but you very early on began supporting people within the community in a way just like on your own time, just for free, just adding a lot of value and giving such thoughtful feedback that I remember. Did I reach out to you and say, hey, have you considered becoming a coach? Did I do that or did I not?

[David]

Because I think you may have done. I can't remember, but I was interested in it.

[Kristen Carter]

Anyway, when did that start to happen for you?

[David]

I think almost as soon as I joined.

[Kristen Carter]

Really?

[David]

And also inspired by my own coach and what I saw in Focus.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[David]

I decided this has had such a big impact on me. I'd like to do it myself.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. Okay, so before we talk about you doing it yourself, talk to me about the impact that it's had on you. You're coaching with your one on one coach, coaching and focus, like the coaching that you've received. What would you say has changed or, like, evolved for you because of that?

[David]

It feels like it's just opened up a whole side of me that I think was kind of frozen.

[Kristen Carter]

Ah. Say more words about that. That's beautiful. What was frozen?

[David]

I think the feeling that I had something to contribute to other people. I felt that. I think there was always this feeling that even if I feel like I'm doing well at something, sooner or later I'll hit a buffer.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

Yep.

Sooner or later. Is it like the feeling that the other shoe is gonna drop at some point? Yeah. That's not a fun feeling.

[David]

I feel like that happens with music, it happens with academia, and I think it was always to do with my ADHD symptoms revealing themselves.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. And then what do you feel like was kind of unlocked? Like, was it the potential for. For follow through? Is that what it was? Did you say I did a motion with that? Like, I didn't need to do it. Don't need to be doing motions. Was it the potential for follow through or was it just feeling like maybe there's hope?

[David]

I don't think it was follow through.

[Kristen Carter]

Okay.

[David]

I think it was just feeling that I had something to offer, something I wasn't just kind of surviving, which I felt I had been for much of my life.

[Kristen Carter]

That's so good. That's so good. At this point, you were in your 40s.

[David]

Late 40s.

[Kristen Carter]

Late 40s. And what perspective has that given you? That's hard. I know it's a hard question. Even as I was saying it, I was like, gosh, that's a really hard question. But, like, you're in your late 40s and finally you're feeling like I. I really have something to offer to other people. Like, that must be so freeing for you or something. Like, how would you describe that?

[David]

It feels like maybe this is where. Maybe in an ideal world, I could have spent my whole life doing this.

[Kristen Carter]

So you decide to become a coach. What was the training like for you? What was that process like?

[David]

It was great. I actually did another training before yours. Just because I had the opportunity to do it, to get my feet wet.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[David]

So that was good. It got. Just got me some practice in coaching. And then your training was amazing. And I guess I just kept going from there.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah. And what's cool is that you have been coaching so many people inside of the Focus program. What is that experience like?

[David]

It's great because you get to coach so many people.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[David]

I. It must be unusual to the sheer number of different people. It's really good. It gives you a kind of kaleidoscopic vision of ADHD people.

[Kristen Carter]

That's such a great way to put it because you are talking to people from all over the world and for 30 minutes, just hearing their story, offering feedback, offering wisdom, offering coaching. What do you see as some of the themes? I didn't prep you for this question, but I'm just curious if anything comes to mind, like, some of the themes that are common threads among people that you coach and focused.

[David]

Strangely, one of the commonest is sleep issues and getting up issues.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. What do you think is behind that? Do you know?

[David]

Well, it's very common that people want to stay up late at night, especially if they haven't had time to do the. Maybe do the things they really want to do during the day.

[Kristen Carter]

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

And then that makes it impossible to sleep, to wake up in the morning. I'm prepping an episode on sleep that will come out in a couple weeks. And for our VIP day, as you know, Dr. Sandra Coy was with us and did a whole seminar on sleep, and I was just shocked at some of the things that we learned during that seminar. I can't wait to talk about them on this podcast. A little foreshadowing for you, my friends. What are some of the biggest changes that you have seen in yourself? So you've named just having a confidence that wasn't there before. What about self trust? What has that journey been like for you?

[David]

I guess it's similar to confidence, just believing that I can do something. Like, come on this podcast, for example,

[Kristen Carter]

get on a plane, fly to Philadelphia, arrive on time, have a conversation in front of people. Yeah. What were some of the ways that you coached yourself? Or, like, what was some of, like, the internal dialogue that you used with yourself to get yourself to do this?

[David]

I think. Well, to be fair, I think a lot of it was external. Just talking to other people and hearing that they thought it was a good idea too.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. Part of that is also just like, receiving people's feedback. Like, you reached out to people that you trust. And you said, hey, what do you think? And they said, great idea. You should definitely do it. And instead of saying to yourself, oh, they're just saying that they don't really mean it. I, like, I probably shouldn't do it. You allowed yourself to receive that feedback. And I think that that's one of, like, the primary parts of self trust is. Yes, it's this like internal self connection and trust, but it's also leaning on people who are wise and actually receiving their feedback. When they say, I believe in you, I think you can do this. Taking that to heart and truly believing it because it's not easy. Like, we really need other people. So who are the people that spoke into your life about this?

[David]

People in my personal life. Some other people in focus.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. I love that. We always need and, and I think that we have this misconception that self trust is, I don't need anyone else. I. I trust me, so I don't need anyone else. But I think that is a piece of it. Trusting yourself and like having that internal dialogue and connection. But then the other half of it is surrounding yourself with wise people and leaning on them for validation and saying, Being able to say, like, do you think I can do this? I don't know if I can. I love it. How has becoming a coach changed the way that you relate to you, to yourself? Do you do a lot of self coaching?

[David]

Yes.

[Kristen Carter]

Do you use the tools on yourself? What does that look like for you?

[David]

It just. It is harder to coach yourself than to coach other people.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[David]

I think that's a pretty universal experience.

[Kristen Carter]

100%.

[David]

When I'm in a difficult situation, that would be hard for me and has been hard for me in the past. Maybe thinking how I would help someone else in a similar situation can end up helping me as well.

[Kristen Carter]

How would I coach someone else through this and then using that on yourself? Yeah, that's brilliant. I always think about myself as my most difficult client. I'm like, I don't want to do anything that, you know, my coach, me, tells me to do. I think I know better. I'm very resistant. And so if I. That's a really great way to kind of pull yourself out of the hot seat. How would I help someone else through this? I love that. What has it been like for you, learning about emotional regulation? I'm going to make an assumption and you let me know if this is true or not. But I'm going to assume that, like, in England, emotions are not really a primary focus of, like, parenting. And raising children. Is that an accurate assumption?

[David]

I don't think it. Certainly when I was a kid there.

[Kristen Carter]

Sure.

[David]

I don't think it was. I'm not sure if that's specific to England. I don't know if there are many countries that used to do that.

[Kristen Carter]

That's so true. So what did emotional regulation look like for you as, let's say, a child?

[David]

I don't know. I mean, I just had whatever emotion I had and ran with it.

[Kristen Carter]

And was it. Were you like exploding? Were you stuffing the emotions down? Were you yelling and screaming and having meltdowns? What was that like?

[David]

That was quite a bit of yelling.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, me too. And then as you began to learn about emotions, like through coaching and emotional regulation classes and that type of thing, what do you feel like you've learned?

[David]

I think I recognize when something is going wrong, something's going off the rails.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[David]

Sometimes I would used to get these kind of low points in the day when often say I'd had a meeting and then I had an empty afternoon.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah.

[David]

And then sometimes that would feel very empty.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes. And then what would happen?

[David]

I think I would just. I think I would try to distract myself a lot of the time.

[Kristen Carter]

Totally. And so when that happens now, what are you able to do with that?

[David]

I'm able to try to, I think, talk to myself. Mm. To find. To find a place of more warmth.

[Kristen Carter]

Yes.

[David]

Ugh.

[Kristen Carter]

Warmth is such a nice word. What.

What is that like?

How would you describe that to someone? What does it mean to find a place of warmth? Is it like acceptance or like this

[David]

feeling inside you of literal warmth?

[Kristen Carter]

Would you say it's like the antidote, like the opposite of emptiness? Yeah. Yeah. And what are the things that you say to yourself to find that warmth?

[David]

I think if I tell myself that I will take care of my emotions, that helps a lot.

[Kristen Carter]

Yeah, it sounds a little bit like a reparenting phrase. Like, I've got you. You don't have to. You don't have to hate this part. I'm going to take care of you.

Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. If you enjoyed that this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode

in the show notes.

And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to talk to you again next week.

Bye.

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