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- [00:01]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
Insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's Name your Price tool for years now. With the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit progressive.com, find a rate that works for you with the name your price tool. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates Price and Coverage Match limited by state law
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Kristen Carter
this episode is sponsored by Batch. I want to talk to you about
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something that doesn't get said enough.
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Sometimes you just stop feeling like yourself. Not in a dramatic way, just in a quiet, constant feeling of being a little off. Your patience is thinner, your energy is lower, but you're still expected to show up for everything. And that's why Batch caught my attention. Batch is a hemp wellness brand founded by chemical engineers, not marketers, and they focus on clean ingredients and full transparency. You can actually see what's in their products and why. I built learning about their Micro Mints, which are designed for daily calm and mood support. They dissolve under your tongue for fast absorption and the goal isn't to knock you out, it's to feel more like yourself. They also offer options like their CBD nighttime gummies designed for deeper, more restorative sleep, or their THC gummies, which are formulated for a little more balanced, controlled experience. What I appreciate is that this isn't about escaping your life, it's about supporting yourself so that you can stay present in it. Right now batch is offering 3 30% off site wide. And yes, that applies to subscriptions too. Go to hellobatch.com I have ADHD and use code I have ADHD at checkout. Hey what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. This little episode is one of my favorite clips from the podcast.
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It's perfect. If you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen. Because let's be real, some of us
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ADHDers just don't have the patience for all of that.
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But if you are a die hard
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listener, think of this as your mid week pick me up.
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It's Thursday y'.
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All. Friday is right around the corner.
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If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember my friend, drink your Water, take your meds, grab a snack.
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Now let's get rolling.
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In my marriage, before I really understood rejection sensitivity, I walked on eggshells in that relationship. Greg and I have been married 21 years, and for most of that time, I was walking on eggshells. And, like, Greg could be in a just a perfectly normal mood, but he wasn't overly friendly. He wasn't warm and fuzzy. He wasn't like, super just like, what's up? I love you. You're amazing. And I would instantly spin into, I did something wrong. He's mad at me. He's pulling away from me. I did something to annoy him, right? So he was just existing as a normal human, and I was interpreting him existing as him rejecting me. My body reacted like something terrible was happening, even when nothing was wrong. Now, sometimes things were wrong and we addressed it, but 90% of the time, nothing was wrong. And yet I'm working through all of these different scenarios of, like, okay, I did something wrong. What could I have done? Was it the last thing I said to him? Is he mad that the dishes aren't done? Is he mad that I left this on the counter? Is he mad? Like, what is he mad about? And my husband, if you've seen him on the podcast or listened to him on the podcast, he's so calm. He's emotionally steady. He's not perfect, obviously, right. But he's not volatile. He's not chaotic, he's not explosive. He doesn't get mad about much. So what I learned is that my reactions, my rejection scenarios, my hypervigilance, my walking on eggshells actually had very little to do with him, which is so annoying, because in a partnership, you always want to be able to blame the other person. Am I right? Like, I always want to have him to blame. He. He's mad at me because I did something innocuous. So he's the reason, right? But actually, it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I was viewing him and his just, like, being there on the couch, just, like, literally just sitting there. I would look at that and be like, something's wrong. I was looking at him through the lens of my own rejection sensitivity. My system, my nervous system, my body, my heart, my gut, my soul, the rate of my heartbeat interpreted everything, every neutral signal as danger. And I reacted from fear constantly, not from grounded presence in my own house. I was walking on eggshells, and it created a lot of conflict. This is the part that I'm embarrassed to tell you. My rejection Sensitivity actually created a lot of conflict in our relationship because imagine this from his perspective. He's just existing. He's just sitting on the couch. He's just like out in the garage tinkering. He's, he doesn't really tinker. Why did I even say that? That's just like, that's such like a stereotypical thing to say about a man. What would he be out in the garage doing? Like sorting his hockey gear. That's what he would be doing. Like if he's in the garage, he's going to be organizing it or cleaning up or like sorting through his hockey gear and organizing it and like cleaning it and that kind of a thing. It's adorable. Or he'd be downstairs like sharpening his skates or he'd be out in the yard. And I'm like, are you mad at me? Is something wrong? Did I do something more than once? I, I mean, and when I say more than once, I mean like a hundred times at least. I would ask him like is everything okay? And he would be like, yes. And then I'd be like, are you sure? Is something wrong? And then he would start to get angry at me because I am just like creating this conflict that doesn't exist. So he would start to respond with, you know, if I'm like, are you mad? He's like, no. I'm like, are you sure? And he's like, well I'm starting to get mad now. I'm starting to get mad because you are constantly asking me if I'm mad. Like it's starting to get annoying. I'm starting to get mad about it, which is like totally and completely fair. And I just couldn't figure out like what is going on. I'm plugging the holes of the ship. I'm doing a much better job at lifing with adhd, at functioning at adulting. I'm like, I was starting to excel in my career. I was starting to finally like make money. That was putting food on the table. I was starting to finally like self actualized in so many other ways. And in this area I was like an 8 year old little girl totally scared to exist in my own home. Woo. I just wonder if that is relatable to you. And when I say that I'm just giving you space to make connections because I've talked to thousands of people with adhd. I know that's relatable. I know it's relatable like in your own home which you perceive logically. Okay, I know I'm safe. I know I'm not in trouble. I know this. This space is an accepting space. And yet I just. I always feel like somebody's mad at me. I always feel like I'm gonna get in trouble. I always feel like this person is going to be displeased with me. And what that will mean for me is rejection, isolation and abandonment.
- [08:27]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
Insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's name your price tool for years now. With the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit progressive.com, find a rate that works for you with the name your price tool. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state law.
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Kristen Carter
This episode is sponsored by Talkiatry. Trying to figure out the right kind of mental health support can feel really overwhelming. There's therapy, coaching, medication strategies, and it's hard to know what you actually need. Talkiatry helps simplify that. Talkiatry is a fully online psychiatry practice that provides comprehensive evaluations, diagnoses and ongoing medication management for mental health conditions like adhd, anxiety, depression and more. This isn't therapy, it's psychiatry. Your meeting with a licensed psychiatrist who can diagnose mental health conditions and prescribe medication when it's appropriate. You'll work with the same provider over time so you're not starting over at every visit. Your care evolves with you, which helps you make real progress. They have over 800 clinicians, all in network with major insurers. Making care more accessible and getting started is simple. I can personally attest to this myself. It's a short online assessment matched with clinicians who fit your needs, and appointments are available in days. More than 300,000 patients have already found care through tochiatry head to to complete the assessment and get matched in minutes.
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Rejection, isolation and abandonment. That's what I'm scared of. So when I look at him and I'm like, oh, he didn't make eye contact with me when I walked in the room. Like, literally, this is what my brain and body are scanning for. He didn't make eye contact with me and look at me with adoring eyes as I walked into the room. He must be mad at me. Meanwhile, he's just existing. He's like, can I just exist here without this expectation that I'M always having to take care of you. Oh, my goodness, the fights that this caused. Okay, so this, like, at some point recently, and when I say recently, I mean in the last 5ish years, I realized, like, okay, I've built this stable life finally. It took me until almost 40 to do it, but I did it. And yet my nervous system is still existing in hypervigilance. And when I say nervous system, I mean, like, the way that I feel and experience myself and other people internally. That's. That's how I'm going to explain nervous system. So just, like, how I feel in my own body and my experience of my inner world and interacting with other people. Okay, so I'd built a stable life, but my nervous system was living in hypervigilance and instability and chaos and concern and danger, danger, danger. I wasn't walking on eggshells because my marriage was unsafe. I was walking on eggshells because my body had never been taught another way to be in a relationship. I just had never been. I'd never been taught another way to exist inside of a relationship. Because our formative years are what build the script, the blueprint for how we interpret all relationships moving forward. Our formative relationships are what build the lens, the glasses that we wear as we look at all of our relationships. Right? And my formative years, not great, not great. Filled with a lot of criticism, a lot of rejection, a lot of emotional abandonment and isolation. Okay? So that was my lens and my body. Even though I was now, you know, plucked from that instability and moved over here into this stable relationship that was, you know, relatively safe and whatever, it was fine. It was fine. Not perfect, but fine. Even though I was now existing in a relationship that was fine, not perfect, but, like, overall, pretty fine, I was still so afraid of rejection, abandonment, isolation. So here's what I had to do to change the pattern. I went to therapy. Not for this reason necessarily, but in my therapy experience, I spent four years in the therapy chair, and I'm back in it today. So lucky me. I had to figure out why I was so hypervigilant. That was really important to me. Our narrative, our understanding of our childhood is really important. And there are people that are like, oh, my gosh, we always just have to, like, go back to childhood. We always have to blame the parents. Not about blaming anybody. It's about understanding the building blocks of your own internal experience. This is not about blame. We can have love and compassion and deep respect and honor for the people who raised us. And we can tell the Truth about the building blocks that formed who we are today. Right. Another huge thing was I got coached up. Getting coached for me by a trauma informed coach was huge. Because what that does is it builds a safe relationship. It outlines for yourself like the container of safety. And I could bring real life day to day scenarios to my coach for validation and understanding and looking through the lens of rejection sensitivity. So I was able to say like, what's going on here? What, what's going on? Like am I being rejected? Is this a rejection scenario? Should I feel safe? I don't feel safe. I could co regulate with my coach. That's a big part of all of this is co regulating with a safe nervous system, with someone who's not gonna reject you, with someone who's not gonna isolate you, with somebody who's not gonna co regulating these relationships. And this is why we're doing this work in focused in January. Because these wounds are created in relationship and that's okay. That's just, that is just the way of it. That's just true. But the wounds are bound up and healed and soothed and like scarred over in a good way also in relationships. So that's so important. We can't do rejection sensitivity work alone. Hear me reading a book or listening to a podcast, it's a great start. But it is not going to lead you to a pathway of healing because it has to be created. This rejection sensitivity wound has to be healed in relationship. It is just the like the way it works.
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Thanks for listening to this bite size episode of the I have ADHD podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for
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tons of adult ADHD support.
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All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to talk to you again next week. Bye Bye.
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Progressive Insurance Announcer
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.