409 BITESIZE | ADHD Parents: Your Child Doesn't Need a Perfect Parent

Summary

Podcast Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast

Episode 409 BITESIZE | ADHD Parents: Your Child Doesn't Need a Perfect Parent

Host: Kristen Carder
Date: June 4, 2026

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Episode Overview

This bite-sized episode, hosted by Kristen Carder, focuses on what it means to be a "healthy enough" parent—especially for those with ADHD—and why striving for perfection is not just unrealistic, but unnecessary. Kristen breaks down the key elements that create a functional family system, emphasizing emotional regulation, unconditional love, and meeting children's basic needs. The episode is a compact, compassionate guide for parents who may be grappling with cycles of dysfunction from their own upbringings and are striving to do better without having to be perfect.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Role of Adults in Emotional Regulation

Timestamps: 01:43 – 05:20

• Adults should provide reassurance and move towards a child in distress, offering a calm and stabilizing presence rather than expecting them to self-regulate.

  "The adult is going to move toward the child with calm presence and leadership instead of expecting the child to just be fine and figure it out for the adult's sake." (03:07 – Kristen Carder)

• It's essential for adults to set limits without needing emotional caretaking from their children, meaning parents should tolerate a child's disappointment and emotional response to boundaries.
• If an adult makes a mistake, it's their responsibility to repair the relationship by apologizing without expecting comfort from the child.

2. Avoiding Emotional Dependence on Children

Timestamps: 04:00 – 06:10

• Highlighted the importance of parents avoiding the tendency to use their children as emotional support.

  "We are there to provide them emotional support. They are not there to provide us emotional support, okay?" (05:47 – Kristen Carder)

• Encouraged building an adult support system outside of the parent-child relationship (e.g., partner, friends, therapist, coaching community).

3. Unconditional Love and Acceptance

Timestamps: 06:10 – 08:30

• Love and acceptance should not be contingent on a child's performance; mistakes should not threaten belonging.

  "We're never gonna withhold our affection, our love, our acceptance of our child when they mess up or make a mistake." (07:36 – Kristen Carder)

• Emphasized separating behavior from worth; children need to feel loved simply because they exist, not because of accomplishments or good behavior.

  "He's not giving me a hard time. He's having a hard time." (07:58 – Kristen Carder)

4. Prioritizing Safety and Protection

Timestamps: 08:30 – 10:25

• In functional families, safety (emotional, physical, verbal, sexual) is always prioritized and actively managed.
• Elders in the family system should be vigilant about protecting younger members.

  "Safety and protection in healthy enough families. Emotional, physical, verbal, and sexual safety—non-negotiable." (09:02 – Kristen Carder)

5. Boundaries, Consent, and Non-Coercive Parenting

Timestamps: 10:25 – 13:10

• Fear, coercion, or dominance have no place in parenting.

  "Fear, coercion, dominance—they're not used as parenting tools. They have no place in parenting." (11:00 – Kristen Carder)

• Privacy and consent regarding children's bodies and boundaries are respected at all times.
• Adults must be ready to protect children, even at personal or social cost.

6. Meeting Basic Needs Reliably

Timestamps: 13:10 – 17:50

• In "healthy enough" families, children's physical, medical, educational, and emotional needs are consistently met.

  "Care is consistent, it's not conditional... Support is predictable." (14:10 – Kristen Carder)

• Parents are responsible for recognizing and addressing struggles (e.g., learning differences, illnesses).
• Kids should not have to guess if their needs will be met or be left to advocate for themselves.
• Advocacy for the child in medical and educational settings is a parental duty.

7. The Reality of Change and Breaking Cycles

Timestamps: 17:50 – End

• Kristen reassures listeners that meaningful change doesn't happen dramatically or instantly, but is possible and breaks generational cycles of dysfunction.

  "It's never too late to learn something that was never modeled for you. It's not about becoming a perfect parent or a perfect partner. It's about becoming someone who knows how to repair, take accountability, and make changes moving forward." (16:55 – Kristen Carder)

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Memorable Quotes

• "The adult is going to move toward the child with calm presence and leadership instead of expecting the child to just be fine and figure it out for the adult's sake." (03:07)
• "We are there to provide them emotional support. They are not there to provide us emotional support, okay?" (05:47)
• "We're never gonna withhold our affection, our love, our acceptance of our child when they mess up or make a mistake." (07:36)
• "He's not giving me a hard time. He's having a hard time." (07:58)
• "Care is consistent, it's not conditional... Support is predictable." (14:10)
• "It's never too late to learn something that was never modeled for you. It's not about becoming a perfect parent or a perfect partner. It's about becoming someone who knows how to repair, take accountability, and make changes moving forward." (16:55)

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Strive for “healthy enough,” not perfection: Parenting is about progress and repair, not perfection.
• Meet children's needs consistently: From emotional support to medical care, reliability fosters security.
• Prioritize self-regulation and emotional safety: Children should feel safe to express emotion and know they're loved unconditionally.
• Break old cycles: It’s possible to end generational dysfunction by making small, consistent changes.

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For further support and access to the full episode, refer to the show notes or visit ihaveadhd.com.

Transcript

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[C]

Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you are listening to a bite sized episode of the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated and ready to roll. This little episode is one of my favorite clips from the podcast. It's perfect if you're not in the mood for a full hour long listen because let's be real, some of us ADHDers just don't have the patience for all of that. But if you are a die hard listener, think of this as your midweek pick me up. It's Thursday y'. All. Friday is right around the corner. If you love this clip, check out the show notes for a link to the full episode. And remember my friend, drink your water,

[D]

take your meds, grab a snack.

[C]

Now let's get rolling.

[D]

Adults are going to provide reassurance to children during distress. Okay? So when a child is upset, the adult is going to move toward the child. The adult is going to move toward the child with calm presence and leadership instead of expecting the child to just be fine and figure it out for the adult's sake. Right? That's really like an adult centered environment. When it's like just go to your room and figure it out. I don't have time for this. That's an adult centered environment. Okay? So the adult's gonna move toward the child to help them to regulate and to help to stabilize them and to provide reassurance so that the child can then borrow from their nervous system, borrow their calm, borrow their regulation. That's co regulation at its core, okay? Adults are going to set limits without needing emotional caretaking. So they can tolerate a child's disappointment without collapsing. So I can tell you no, and then I can handle your temper tantrum when I tell you no. I can set a limit or I can issue a consequence for something that you did or didn't do, and then I can tolerate my child's emotional experience of that. So many parents kind of collapse under their child's emotional response to a limit or a consequence or just like, you know, a boundary, right? And then it's like, you're making me feel like a bad mom. And then the kid is having to say, no, you're not a bad mom. I love you, you're a good mom. And all of a sudden the child is taking care of the parent, okay? In these circumstances, adults are going to take responsibility for repair. So if an adult messes up, they're going to own it. They're going to repair that. They're going to move toward the child and offer an apology without expecting forgiveness or comfort or reassurance from the child. And when the child messes up, the adult is still going to move toward the child and try to, to repair that relationship, to repair that conflict, even though they weren't the ones that caused harm. Okay? So in this healthy enough family system, adults are adults. Adults deal with adult things and children get to be children. And safety always comes before responsibility. So kids are responsible for only age appropriate things, okay? So it's really important in terms of this section that we begin to notice when we're leaning on our kids emotionally. It's very easy to do. It's very easy to treat our child like our emotional support animal. So just be really, really cautious not to do that. We are there to provide them emotional support. They are not there to provide us emotional support, okay? So we need to build adult support outside of our children, with our partner, with our friends, with our therap, with our coach, with our religious community, whatever it may be. All right? And we're always gonna take responsibility to repair. All right? Three more. You still with me? Let's go fast. In a healthy enough family, love is unconditional. No conditions. Love and acceptance are unconditional. This means that love doesn't have to be earned. Acceptance doesn't have to be earned. Worth is not performance based. No one has to hustle for their worthiness. Mistakes are threats to belonging. Okay? You make a mistake, you do something wrong, you cause harm. It, it obviously it needs to be addressed and it needs to be repaired, but it's not a threat to your belonging within the family system. Okay? And we never say, I love you, but I don't like you right now. We never say that. We're not going to say that. We reject that. We say, I love you and I like you and we need to make a change here. Or I love you and I like you and I want to help you make a better choice. Or I love you and I like you, but we need to have a hard conversation, okay? We're never gonna withhold our affection, our love, our acceptance of our child when they mess up or make a mistake. All right? So children are going to know I am loved because I exist, not because I perform, not because I'm always good, not because I can make my parents laugh or I'm my mom's therap, but I'm loved because I exist. So this, our work here is to really, really work towards separating behavior from worth. And this took me a while in my own life to really separate. Can I like my child even when they are being really difficult? Can I accept my child as he is? Even when he is so difficult? Can I acknowledge that my kid is not giving me a hard time? He's having a hard time. He's not giving me a hard time. He's having a hard time. And I need to be really careful not to be the reason for my child's hard time. I need to be really careful not to be the cause of my child's hard time. Okay? So we're always going to make sure that we are loving and accepting our child, even when it's difficult, even when they are not complying, even when their performance, like, they need a performance review, even then we're gonna love them, we're gonna like them. And if we don't, which, by the way, no shame, no blame, we're gonna start. We're gonna try. We're gonna work toward that. We're gonna try to figure that out. We're gonna read books, we're gonna listen to podcasts, we're gonna watch for YouTube videos. We're gonna engage with therapy content on TikTok and Instagram. We're gonna join Focused to get, like, specific coaching. We're gonna find a therapist. We're gonna find. We're gonna do the work to figure out, how can I. They are really, really testing my limits. Okay, two more I talked about. In dysfunctional families, there's a lot of abuse, even covert abuse. And so the opposite of that in a functional, healthy enough family there's going to be safety and protection. Safety and protection in healthy enough families. Emotional, physical, verbal and sexual safet. Safety non negotiable. We are all very concerned about it. We are all on the lookout to make sure that everyone is being safe, that everyone is protected. Especially if we're talking about a family system like the broader family system. The elders are very concerned with emotional, physical, verbal and sexual safety of the younger generations. Okay, this is what a healthy enough family looks like.

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In a healthy enough family, fear, coercion, dominance. They're not used as parenting tools. They have no place in parenting. They do not exist in the parenting toolkit. Okay, boundaries around bodies. Privacy and consent are respected. Full stop. Full stop. And again, this is just the most important thing that I can say. Adults protect the children even when it's uncomfortable for them, even when it means that they might have to confront someone like a neighbor or a teacher. Even when it means that it may cost them social or familial currency. Adults protect children even when it may cost them their position or their peace or whatever it might be. Adults are going to prioritize protecting children even if it might make them look bad in their social circle, even if their friends might question them, even if the teachers at school think they're being ridiculous. Adults are going to protect children. And in this type of environment, children feel safe. They feel safe. They don't feel managed, they feel safe. So how do we get there? We need to examine what was normalized for us and if, if we are perpetuating some covertly abusive dynamics. We do. We need to examine that. We need to really hone in on what was I brought up in and what was normalized culturally, socially and like, you know, family wise in my upbringing and, and what unhealthy dynamics? What maybe covert or overt abuse am I perpetuating in my own. We can't, if we can't name it, we can't change it. Okay, we're gonna interrupt fear based discipline. It works, but it's not healthy. It doesn't lead to long lasting connected relationships. Okay? So we gotta figure out a different way to shepherd our children. We've got to figure it out. So, so that's our work. That's our job. That's our job to figure out. Okay? And we're always going to choose emotional regulation over anything else. Over explosion, over intimidation, over, you know, using our bodies in ways to harm people. We're going to choose to regulate. And this of course bears like the burden of do you know how to regulate? Is that available to you? Can you calm your body down so that you don't harm people? That's a really important question to answer. And if not, it is on you to figure that out. And of course there's a ton of resources for you. We'll talk about those at the end. Number 10. Number 10. Number 10. Last week. In a dysfunctional family, there's a lot of neglect, different types of neglect, physical, emotional, medical and educational neglect. In healthy enough families, physical, medical, educational and emotional needs are met reliably. Kids don't have to guess whether or not support will show up. Kids are not left alone to meet their own needs. Adults advocate for their kids needs. They either meet their kids needs themselves if they can, or they advocate for their kids needs being met. Okay? Instead of dismissing, denying, ignoring, we're going to see in a healthy enough functional family that care is consistent. It's not conditional. Okay? So children who are not neglected experience meals happening regularly. Hunger is taken seriously. Clean clothes and hygiene are taught, supported and monitored. Sleep is protected, bedtimes, routines and environments. Support, rest, safe D is actively managed, okay? And medical care is present. Children who are not medically neglected experience adults taking illnesses and pain seriously. Preventative care happens consistently. Mental health is treated as real and it is actually treated and supported. Adults advocate in medical settings. So parents are asking questions. Parents are pushing back when necessary. Parents are following through on filling prescriptions and doing the things that need to be done. And then educationally, children who have educational care who are not educationally neglected adults are going to notice when school is hard and struggles are seen as signals, not laziness or defiance. Learning differences are addressed like adhd, dyslexia, processing issues, or emotional challenges. They're going to be assessed, they're going to be supported. Okay? Adults are going to communicate with teachers in schools. Parents are going to attend meetings, ask questions, advocate for accommodations. And kids are not left alone to manage their own educational experience. All right? Support is predictable. And children begin to learn. Like, oh, my parents are here to take care of me. I'm just a kid. I don't have to worry because my parent is here to care for me. Because care, consistent care, does not depend on the mood of the parent or the performance of the child. All right? And support doesn't disappear when a child is difficult or emotional or struggling. Support is consistent. Okay? We're not withholding support when our kids are annoying. All right? We're not going to do that. So kids begin to learn. I can count on the adults in my life. I know they're gonna take care of me. All right? So Those were our 10 signs of a functional, healthy enough family. And I hope that it gives you something to work towards, something to emulate, something to say like, oh, wow, I'm already doing, like, this one, this one, and this one. And maybe I need to do a little work over here on this one and this one. But, like, overall, we're doing okay. Okay? And if you listen to this and you're like, crap, I wasn't raised with any of this, and I'm certainly not doing it well right now. I want you to understand that, like, I get it. I had that realization. It's really not fun to wake up to that. I have so much compassion for you. I understand what that is like to be like, Wait, what? Wait, what? I just. I can feel it in my body right now. It's not fun. And I just wanted you to know that it's never too late. It's never too late to make a change. Okay? It's never too late to learn something that was never modeled for you. It's not about becoming a perfect parent or a perfect partner. It's about becoming someone who knows how to repair, take accountability, and make changes moving forward. Right? So change will happen. It's not going to be dramatic. It's not going to be all at once. It's not going to be as fast as we want it to me to be. But change will happen. Meaningful change is how the generational cycle of dysfunction ends. And it will. And it can end with you. I know that it can. I'm looking. I'm just like. I hope you feel my eyes as a laser beam coming through the screen if you're watching on YouTube. And I hope that you hear the intensity in my voice if you are listening, if you are part of the listening audience, because I do mean it. It can stop with.

[C]

Thanks for listening to this bite sized episode of the I have ADHD Podcast. If you enjoyed this clip, you'll find a link to the full episode in the show notes. And don't Forget to visit ihaveadhd.com for tons of adult ADHD support. All right, my friends, I had a great time with you today and I cannot wait to talk to you again next week. Bye bye.

[D]

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