416 ADHD and Money: In This Economy?!

Summary

Podcast Summary: I Have ADHD Podcast

Episode 416: ADHD and Money: In This Economy?!

Host: Kristen Carder
Release Date: June 30, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Kristen Carder shares a class from her FOCUSED ADHD coaching membership, zeroing in on the complex relationship adults with ADHD have with money—particularly amid present-day economic uncertainty. Rather than offering up generic budgeting tips, Kristen leads a candid, validating conversation about why money management challenges are so common for ADHDers, how shame and family patterns perpetuate avoidance, and the small, emotionally-attuned steps that can foster a healthier relationship with finances. Real-life experiences from her coaching group pepper in honesty and humor, making this discussion especially resonant for listeners who want more self-compassion and practical strategies.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Emotional Realities: ADHD, Shame, and Money (09:29–16:45)

• ADHD & Money Struggles: Kristen opens by normalizing that financial struggles are vastly common for people with ADHD and that our current economic environment amplifies anxiety.
  • "If you feel like money is harder for you than it seems to be for everyone else... this episode is a hundred percent for you." (07:25)
• Shame & Guilt: The group discusses deep-rooted money narratives and emotions, including guilt when spending on necessities and inherited shame from growing up with scarcity.
  • Listener Victoria: “Anything I purchase, necessary or not, results in guilt.” (13:57)
  • Kristen: “I just really wish I could write a permission slip for all of us to meet our own needs without guilt.” (14:16)

2. Generational and Family Patterns (11:40–13:56)

• Many participants note how childhood experiences of scarcity, family beliefs (“money doesn’t buy happiness”), or parental judgment of wealth stick with them in adulthood.
  • Kristen: “When I say I was poor, I was like poor... but my parents would always say things like, ‘Money doesn’t buy happiness,’ as kind of a defense mechanism. But anyone who hasn’t had money knows it solves so many problems.” (12:49–13:34)
• Members share struggles with resentment towards wealth and ingrained beliefs about rich people.

3. The ADHD and Money Cycle (17:20–21:26)

• Kristen lays out the “stress-avoidance-consequences-shame” loop with money:
  • Stress ➔ Avoidance (hiding, shutting down) ➔ Missed bills or savings ➔ Consequences ➔ Shame ➔ More avoidance.
  • “If money is stressful, it’s not enjoyable, it makes us want to run and hide, especially if there are feelings of guilt, shame, overwhelm, confusion, frustration.” (17:21–18:00)
  • “Everyone turn to your neighbor and say: ‘Very normal ADHD behavior!’” (20:02)

4. Distinguishing Reality from Catastrophe Stories (24:27–27:33)

• Kristen coaches listeners to emotionally self-regulate when facing finances, separating catastrophic thought spirals ("It’s all going down!") from present facts.
  • Encourages pausing to ask: “What is actually true right now? Where is the good?”
  • Group members share wins—even small ones: “I haven’t gone negative in my bank account in four months!” (26:04)

5. Practical Strategies for Building a Better Relationship with Money (28:54–36:39)

• Frequent Engagement: “Relationships only work with frequent engagement. How can you make this relationship [with money] a little bit more stable by engaging with it more often?” (28:54)
  • Suggestions: Open accounts more often, check statements regularly (even 3x a month), use emotional regulation each time.
• Habit Building: Kristen shares her journey towards daily money check-ins, normalizing starting small and imperfectly.
• Self-Compassion: “I have a lot of grace for myself. And if you want to borrow that, here’s what grace looks like: You’re still working on your money... It doesn’t have to be perfect right now.” (34:11)

6. Automation and Making Things ADHD-Friendly (36:39–39:48)

• Automate Everything: Bills, savings, retirement, emergency funds—take human error out of the equation.
• Emergency Funds: Encourages listeners to have at least $2,000 set aside for “when—not if—something comes up.” (38:41)

7. ADHD-Friendly Tips for Reducing Financial Stress (39:48–41:08)

• Follows the “Profit First” methodology for dividing money into categories automatically.
• Avoids store credit cards, unsubscribes from shopping apps/emails, and implements a 24-hour purchase pause to curb impulsive spending.
• Reframes self-talk: “I’m working on this. I’m becoming someone who pays attention to money.” (41:08)

8. Relationships, Power, and Financial Equality (42:27–46:28)

• Financial Transparency with Partners: Kristen is emphatic about equal access to financial accounts and decision-making, regardless of who earns more.
  • "It's not his money. It's your money. Both of yours." (43:06)
  • “If you are the partner who doesn’t make the money... you’re still entitled to see everything.”
  • Encourages therapy if there’s financial imbalance or potential abuse: “Google financial abuse in marriage.” (44:00)
• Advocacy for Equality: Kristen becomes visibly passionate about fighting for her listeners’ financial agency and safety within relationships.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Money feels not real, not tangible... What does it actually mean to have negative money in your bank account? I can’t really touch it and feel it and so it seems very, like, is it even real?” (Kristen, 11:09)
• “We’re so wired to think so negatively about ourselves in relation to money... of course we avoid it, because we’re feeling the guilt, the shame, the judgment, the shoulda, coulda, woulda.” (30:05)
• “The number one thing that I want you to do is engage with your money more often.” (31:21)
• “You don’t have to just [tell yourself] ‘I’m amazing with money!’... But if you could just start to change your thought pattern around money? ‘I’m working on this. I can feel frustrated and do it anyway. I can recover from my mistakes. It’s possible.’” (41:08–41:17)
• “They don’t hold more power just because they’re the ones that bring the money home.” (44:00)
• “The feeling of security is priceless. I completely agree. Sorry, financial advisor, I’m not listening to your advice on this.” (27:10)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [09:29] – Start of the class: Understanding and reflecting on your relationship with money
• [11:09] – The concept of “money blindness” in ADHD
• [13:57] – Guilt and shame around everyday spending
• [17:20] – Avoidance, the ADHD money shame cycle, and real-life examples
• [20:02] – Normalizing ADHD money struggles; “very normal ADHD behavior”
• [24:27] – Pausing the shame spiral & focusing on what’s going right
• [28:54] – Building frequent (not perfect) engagement with finances
• [34:11] – Self-grace and the reality of imperfect tracking
• [36:39] – Automation tips, emergency fund, practical automation
• [39:48] – ADHD-friendly purchase tips & reframing financial self-talk
• [42:27] – Financial equality in relationships, transparency, boundaries, and advocacy

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Takeaways and Encouragement

• ADHD makes managing money materially harder—but it’s not about character or willpower. Compassion, not shame, must be our baseline.
• Frequent, small, emotionally regulated engagement with money is key.
• Automate as much as possible and make use of ADHD-friendly financial tools.
• Fight for equality in financial relationships—everyone deserves access and agency, regardless of earning.
• Self-compassion and progress, not perfection, are the end goal.

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Final Encouragement

Kristen closes the episode with gratitude and a call for advocacy and kindness—both for oneself and for ADHDers in all walks of life. She underlines the importance of feeling safe and equal in financial partnerships, and encourages listeners: “It’s absolutely possible. I promise you.” (41:17)

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For more on Kristen’s coaching program or ADHD-friendly money classes, visit ihaveadhd.com.

Transcript

[Kristen Carter]

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[Podcast Announcer]

Welcome to the I have ADHD podcast where it's all about education and current and coaching for adults with adhd. I'm your host Kristen Carter and I have adhd. Let's chat about the frustrations, humor and challenges of adulting relationships, working and achieving with this neurodevelopmental disorder. I'll help you understand your unique brain, unlock your potential, and move from point A to point B.

[Kristen Carter]

Hey, what's up? This is Kristen Carter and you've tuned

in to the I have ADHD podcast. I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated, tired, very tired and ready to roll. Guys. I'm so tired. I wonder if you're feeling it. I don't know. I don't really know what to attribute it to other than just like the busyness of life and the end of the school year and just like, okay, finishing a book. All right, fine. I guess I have reason to be tired, but I am kind of like over it. I feel like I've been tired for couple months now, which I've already told you and you're probably sick of hearing it.

But anyway, solidarity if you're feeling the

same way I am at the very, very final stages of the book, we are almost ready to announce. I am almost ready to give you a pre order link, which I'm just like, my heart is beating so fast even saying those words. Do you know that I'm nervous? I'm so nervous. What if nobody reads it? But also, what if everybody reads it? It's. I'm of two minds. Like, I don't want anyone to read it because it's so vulnerable and there's a lot of amazing, helpful, wonderful information in there, but there's also a lot about me and my life and my story and it's vulnerable and I'm scared. So like, I want people to read it. And also I really don't want anyone to read it.

So I don't know if that makes

any sense to you, but in the coming weeks, hopefully in two weeks from now, you will have an episode all about the book, the announcement, the title, the pre order link.

And listen, if you're gonna, if you,

if you've already decided to buy the book, would you pre order it? Because that you don't even know. Like, that is huge. That's what helps an author get onto a list. And how cool would it be if an ADHD book were on a best selling list list? That would be freaking awesome. Let's do that together. I would be obsessed and so excited. We'll see. We'll see.

But pre orders are what make that happen.

And I know it feels kind of pointless to pre order because you're just like, whatever, I'll just buy it when it comes out, but that's not helpful when it comes to getting on lists. And I think that we should make headlines with ADHD content, and we can do that together, you and me. That would be so fun. We are officially in summer. My kids are out of school. I am so happy that the schedule is done. I joined a gym. I haven't gone yet, but I have joined a gym that is like all classes. It's called Orange Theory Fitness. I wonder if anybody listening goes to Orange Theory. My goal is to have muscles. I have seen and read and heard that in middle age, like midlife for women, muscles are important. And I'm like, oh, I don't have any of those. I should probably get some. So I have my first class planned tomorrow. It is lower body strength, and I'm probably gonna die, but let's just see how it goes.

I have no idea.

Other than that, summer is pretty boring. We're not taking any vacations. We are going to California for water polo. It's not gonna be a vacation, but it's gonna be fun. We love the water polo community that we have, and I love the parents, and we have such a good time, and the boys are so nice to each other, and they're just such a great team. And I am already mourning the fact that I have an almost 11th grader, so I only have two more years of water polo unless he decides to play in college and is able to, which we have no idea at this point. So I'm just, like, soaking it all up. So that is like our summer is just hanging out at home.

Fires around the fire pit, puttering around

the garden, and then also going to California for water polo. So that should be pretty fun. For today's episode, I'm sharing a class that I taught in Focused, which is my ADHD coaching membership. I haven't talked much about Focused on here other than occasional ads that you might hear, but I have gathered a community of adults with ADHD from all over the world. It is the most beautiful space. I'm so privileged to be a part of it.

I love it, love it.

It, love it. And every week, I host a coaching call and I teach a class, among other things.

And I'm sharing a class today because

I'm tired, but I'm sharing a class today that I taught on money, and

I've done this before.

I. I've shared classes on money before because I think that money is a

topic that we need to talk about

all the dang time because people with ADHD struggle so much with money. And I wonder if you feel like money is harder for you than it seems to be for everyone else. And if so, this episode is a hundred percent for you. Because we're talking about ADHD and the very real stress of living in the uncertain times that we are currently living in. I don't think anyone can dispute that. But it's not a conversation about budgeting hacks or financial perfection or like lists. It's just not. That's not my vibe. And those are things that you can Google. This is more a conversation on understanding why we avoid money, how shame keeps us stuck, improving our relationship with money, and the small, consistent steps that can help us build trust with ourselves and our finances.

I think you're going to love it.

I want you to just notice how I interact with the class. So there's a lot of like, questions and when I ask questions, I encourage you to answer them in your own brain or say them out loud. I always like to say, if you're listening to a replay of a Focus class or, you know, this one on the podcast, I can always hear you. I can always hear or feel your answers coming to me through the universe.

Just ADHD is out there all over the globe.

Kind of like participating in this class. I'm obsessed with just the idea of all of us working towards becoming more self aware and improving our habits and

especially becoming better with money.

Because when we have more money, we can use it to delegate the things that we suck at. We can use it to outsource our frontal lobe. We can use it to support our

ADHD and our lives and just make

life so much easier for ourselves. So I hope you enjoy the class. I hope you enjoy hearing from other people with ADHD as you will throughout this class. And I hope that you feel that your relationship with money can improve, because I know that it can and will. So let's dive in. Enjoy this class.

Today we are here to talk about money and I'm curious what your relationship is with money. We have been doing more frequent money calls here in Focused because I know that money is an issue for so many of us. I know that the economy is not the best right now, especially in America. I know that there's probably a lot of financial anxiety and I want to

be here to support you when it comes to, to your money.

So today we're going to be talking

about your relationship with money.

How do you feel if it were, let's say, a person, someone that you feel like maybe you should be friends with, I would Ask you, are you friends?

Are you friends with your money?

What is your relationship like? Leila says, I love money. Yes, I love having money. I consider myself lucky to have experienced the vast spectrum of money. And what I mean by that is in the last 10 years have really worked hard to change my relationship with money. But the first 35 years of my life it was a fraught relationship. And I came by that generationally. I was born into a fraught relationship with money. And I'm curious if you identify that in yourself as well, because we develop a relationship with money at quite a young age. We develop a lot of our identity around money at a young age and some of that really serves us and some of it doesn't. And as adults it's our job to identify the type of relationship that we currently have and then decide whether or not we want to tweak that relationship. I'm going to read some of your answers here. Haley says my relationship with money is strained. JD says we talk all the time about time blindness. I think I also have money blindness. Yes, I have talked about this before. I completely agree with you JD. Money blindness makes complete sense to me because as someone with adhd, money feels not real, not tangible. Most of it is online. Most of it is like what does it really mean to have a five thousand dollar balance on a car? What does it really mean to have 10,000 on a credit card? What does it actually mean to have negative money in your bank account? Like what does that actually mean? I can't really touch it and feel it and so it seems to be the real. It's just very like is it even real? I'm not really sure. It's not tangible. Right. Dee says lots of guilt for stepping back from my well paying gig for a much much less profitable self employment. Taking on debt now and every penny spent feels wrong. I wonder how many of you feel the emotion of guilt regularly when it comes to money and I'm curious how that serves you or perhaps harms. Brooke says, I grew up on food

stamps and thrift clothes with young parents.

Yep. And I wonder how that impacts your relationship with money now. D says my parents judgment of people living beyond their me means haunts me. Yeah, my parents were really judgmental of people who had money and they would always say like I would say when I was a kid I'm going to be rich when I grow up. And I think that that was just a reaction to being poor. And when I say I was poor I was like poor. You know how there's different types of poor. Like, you talk to someone, they're like, yeah, I grew up poor. But then you found out, like, they know how to ski. And you're like, wait a second. If you know how to ski, you

didn't actually grow up poor.

You know what I'm saying? Like, it's interesting how we, like, label ourselves and how we self identify. But then you find out, like, wait a second, like, were you actually poor? Like, you find out like, they have a pool or their electricity never went out. Exactly. And you're like, were you actually really? No, but my parents would always say things like, well, money doesn't buy happiness. And you don't. You don't really know whether or not they're happiness. And it's true. Money doesn't buy happiness, but money certainly makes life a whole lot easier. Anyone who has not had money understands that money solves so many problems. So, so, so, so many problems. And I think that it was a kind of a defense mechanism, at least in the case of my family, that was like, wow, money doesn't buy happiness. Kind of making this assumption like, if you're rich, you're unhappy. When really, if we can identify that money truly solves so many problems, so many anxieties, so many issues, and if we can develop a healthy relationship with money and use it to our advantage, we can make our lives so much easier. Yeah. Brooke says, I'm still trying not to hate the rich.

That's so interesting.

And I can understand that.

Yep.

I can't go to the grocery store without feeling guilty, and I can't afford it. Right. So this is Victoria. She says I can afford to buy food, but every time I go to the grocery store, I feel guilty. Anything I purchase, necessary or not, results in guilt. How many of you relate? I just really wish I could write a permission slip for all of us to meet our own needs without guilt. This is something that my therapist really worked with me on when I was deep in therapy. So I did weekly therapy for about four years straight. And my gosh, it was hard. And one of the things that we worked on was like, I'm allowed to meet my needs, I'm allowed to meet my kids needs without feeling guilty. And I mean, like, monetarily. Like, if they need shoes, I'm allowed

to go buy them shoes without questioning,

do they really need shoes? Can I. Can I make these shoes last another couple weeks, et cetera. You know, those negotiations that we have with ourselves and even with the people that we're responsible for, like, oh, you don't need it yet. I'll get it later. Wait until Christmas, wait until your birthday, like, that kind of thing. And my therapist really encouraged me, like, just meet their needs. Isn't it sad that a therapist had to tell me to meet my own children's needs? It's kind of sad. Like, that was something that I had to actively work on. Just meet their needs. Right. So what we're going to talk about today is our relationship with money. And I do want to normalize how difficult it is to engage with your money when you have adhd. And by normalize, I just want to say, like, I want to validate it.

It's so hard.

It can be hard to engage with your money when you have adhd, because ADHD absolutely impacts the way that we show up with our money. When you have adhd, it impacts your future thinking, your ability to visualize the future. It impacts your working memory, your impulse control, obviously your emotional regulation, your task initiation. And it makes you really want to avoid the problem. Is that being quote, unquote, good with money or having a good relationship with money requires planning, executive function, delayed gratification, consistency, or at least persistence. I hate using the word consistency when it comes to people with ADHD because obviously it is something that we struggle with so much, but it does require at least a measure of persistence, the measure of, like, going back to it over and over and over again. It requires attention to detail and not just emotional regulation, but emotional tolerance. Like, for example, who was it that said, they feel guilty every time they go to the grocery store? Yeah, it was Victoria. Victoria said, I feel guilty every time I go to the grocery store. It's like, you have to tolerate that emotion multiple times a week.

Right.

Just to feed yourself, just to feed your family, you have to tolerate that feeling of guilt.

And it is not easy.

So, absolutely, our ADHD impacts our relationship with money. So I just want you to be cognizant that this is not a character flaw. There is nothing wrong with you, but you might need some additional support here. Yeah, like, you might need some additional support. So that means engaging in this class, which you already are, maybe doing the money course in focus, maybe posting in Slack for more support, maybe hiring a coach or a financial advisor for even just a short amount of time. Like, hey, help me, like, get all of this in order. If you have a partner leaning on your partner. Thank you for that, Carmen.

Absolutely.

If you have someone in your life that is, like, decent with it, like, hey, can you sit with me while I do this. One of the things about me getting this new office is that I have to send in a check every month. There's no online bill pay, and there's no one here. Like, in my old office, I would just see the person and be like, oh, I need to pay you, and I would pay her. This is like, I have to send in a check every month, and I'm not seeing anybody here. There's no accountability. And so I asked my partner, I said, hey, is this something that you would be willing to take care of for me? Truly, I don't trust myself and I don't want to do it. It's a both thing. I don't want this on my plate, and you get to work from home. So, like, could you take care of this for me? It was like, yes, yes, I will. So I got an email yesterday that said, your next payment is due on this date. And I just forwarded it to him. That's what I did. So, like, leaning on your person to help you in this area is huge, Huge, huge. What often happens for us is, is that money becomes a point of stress. And then what do we do to cope? Answer in the chat, what do we do to cope? Or if you're listening to this on a replay, what is your coping mechanism? Yes. Hide. Exactly. Avoid, obviously. Yes, exactly. Shut down. Yes. Right. Because if money is stressful, it's not enjoyable, it makes us want to run and hide, especially if there are feelings of guilt, shame, overwhelm, confusion, frustration. It used to be for me that it was just a source of constant frustration. And who wants to feel frustrated? Not me. Not me. I don't want to feel that. It is not fun, it's not enjoyable, it doesn't make my life better. And so thank you. No, thank you, but no, I'm going to avoid. And so, so many of us go through this cycle where we feel stress, and so we go into avoidance. And because we've avoided, there are consequences. Bills don't get paid. You know, things are not done on time. Maybe, like the automatic savings contributions are not happening because we've been avoiding. And there are consequences because of that. And then what happens when we experience those consequences? What do we feel?

Same.

Exactly, Carrie. Exactly. So now we're feeling shame. So there's stress and we avoid. Then we experience just the natural consequences, because, of course, then we feel shame. And what does shame lead us to do? More avoidance, more hiding, more shutting down. Okay, you. You see, you see the reinforcement here? Exactly. The reinforcement of this just like negative loop so we need to make sure that we can clock it when we're in this cycle, when we're in this negative loop, when we're in one of these phases of the stress cycle or the ADHD money cycle. Stress avoidance, consequences, shame, more avoidance, right? So then there's unopened statements, avoiding account balances, impulse spending to like cure the negative feeling, like, I know the cure for this. It's dopamine. Let me go out and buy something to make me feel better about this stress. We maybe ignore debt with lots of like financial procrastination. Like maybe we're like, yeah, I gotta open up that Roth ira. Gotta do it, gotta do it, gotta do it. But we're just in this avoidance cycle, right? So then it just never gets done. And, and this is why we're having this class, to bring awareness to this type of very normal ADHD behavior. Everyone turn to your neighbor and say, very normal ADHD behavior. Grab their hand in your hand. This is very typical, very normal, very understandable ADHD behavior. Now just because it's typical and normal and familiar doesn't make it helpful. Helpful. Obviously it's not helpful, but there is some validation there to be had. There's some validation there to be had where it's like, okay, this is normal. I don't like it. I don't like it. I do want to change it, but let me just self soothe a tiny bit and give myself a little bit of reassurance. This is normal. This is normal. Now your brain might tell you, yeah, but you should know better. Can we self soothe a little bit? And even if your brain tells you

yes, you should know.

You should know. You should already know. You should know better. Can we just like take a minute and say, I hear you, brain, but I shouldn't. Like, why? Because I'm a grown up. Well, I don't have a great relationship with money, so I don't automatically know. I'm not automatically good at this. I didn't have a great upbringing around money or I haven't had a good relationship with money. I'm not just going to get good at this without working at it, so just leave me alone. Also, whose voice is that in your head? The you should know better voice. Is it you? Haley says, dad. Parents. Yep. Do you consent to having their voices

in your head still?

As a grown person, the first week of July, we're going to be talking about internal boundaries. And this is one way that internal boundaries are really helpful, is when we understand where those voices are coming from and we literally interrupt them in real time and say, you're not welcome here. You don't get to berate me anymore. You're not welcome in my brain. We talk nice to each other here. Kind of like a kindergarten teacher. Oh, no, no, no, honey. That's not how we talk here anymore. This is not how we talk to each other. Those are not school words. Those are not internal dialogue words that we're using anymore. Sorry, you're not welcome here. Acknowledging the voice and sending it on its way. Carmen said, I stopped permitting my mother's voice in my head. That is an amazing internal boundary where you just draw a line in the sand. You say, oh, sorry. Nope, you're not welcome here anymore. I see you, I hear you, but you are not welcome here anymore. Thank you. Bye. And then we turn back to self, self soothing, self kindness and actually making progress on what we want to do. Because is it helpful to have the thought, you should know better? Like, even a parent saying that to a kid, you should know better. That's not helpful. That's not helpful. That's like, I told you so. That's not helpful. Makes me angry with the environment that we're living in right now. It makes sense that maybe some of us are experiencing additional financial stress because of obvious higher costs, economic uncertainty, political instability, housing insecurity, health care costs, and concerns like, all of that. So I. I'm not here to say, like, it's no big deal. Just tell yourself you're good with money and tell yourself you'll always have enough and you just manifest it and it's perfect and it's wonderful. That's not at all what I'm trying to suggest. But here's what I want us to do. Can we change our relationship? Can we improve the relationship that we have with money? So that we're learning to respond rather than react? So that we're learning to take what we've got, take the facts of the situation, tolerate the emotional experience of where we're at, and not run and hide and avoid, but actually respond to what's coming up. So instead of making decisions from panic or shame or scarcity or urgency, we're utilizing emotional regulation skills.

So we're pausing, breathing, self smoothing, naming

the emotion that's coming up, grounding ourselves in the flow, facts, and in reality. So you should know better, by the way, is not a fact. It's not reality. That's just like additional suffering that we're heaping on to ourselves. So, like, really grounding ourselves in reality. This is where I am. This is what's going on right now. Okay. And. And separating present reality from maybe like, some of our catastrophe stories. Do you have those catastrophe stories that, like, run in the background?

This is all going down.

Just one more whatever. One more negative review, one more unhappy client, one more performance improvement plan. And I'm just. It's all going down and just noticing that. Okay, honey, I see what's happening here. We're catastrophizing. Your brain is doing what brains do. It's okay, but call it what it is. That's not reality. That's a catastrophe story.

Okay?

That's additional anxiety asking the question, what's actually true right now? What's actually true right now? Is it all bad? What am I doing right? Let's start with that question. Let's go ahead and answer that question. In terms of your money and your relationship with money. What are you doing right? What are you doing right? Haley says I have no credit card debt. Obsessed. JD says I have a Roth IRA obsessed. I haven't gone negative in my bank account in four months. Carmen, that's amazing.

Carrie.

I've curbed my spending and am pretty good at not spending impulsively. Love, Mary. I pay my credit card book on time each month and I have a Roth IRA account set up. Amazing. Thomas. We are saving for retirement and kids college.

[Podcast Announcer]

Amazing.

[Kristen Carter]

I'm starting an education fund for my kids and maxing out the government match deposits. Incredible. D, I don't have credit card debt. Amazing. Victoria House is paid off. Diane, I'm so jealous. This is my goal. My goal. Which my financial advisor, of course, thinks it's such a stupid goal.

And I don't care.

I'm going against her suggestions. She's like, don't pay your house off.

That's.

So your interest rate is low. You don't need to. I'm like, you don't understand that you can't put a price on the piece that comes with owning your own home. Get out of here. Get out of here. Diane, that's amazing. Cheryl. I advocated very strongly with my ex to put me in a good financial position following our breakup. Not great, but okay. Good for you, Rosalie. No credit card debt.

[Podcast Announcer]

Amazing.

[Kristen Carter]

Mary. I'm doing less impulsive buying as well. Mostly having my husband shop for us.

Love.

Maggie says the feeling of security is priceless. I completely agree. I completely, completely agree. I'm sorry, financial advisor, I'm not listening to your advice on this. Harry, our retirement accounts are very healthy.

Assuming.

Sorry for laughing. It was just a surprise. It was a surprise giggle from a surprise thing. Assuming fascism doesn't tank the entire economy.

Deep breaths.

Okay, so there are things that we are doing right and when we are in this kind of anxiety cycle where we're feeling stressed and anxious and then we're avoiding, and then there's consequences because we're avoiding and then we're feeling shame because of the consequences and. And then we avoid more.

We need to pause.

What is reality? What is reality? Where's the good? And how can I improve? What is reality? Where's the good? Find it somewhere. There's good somewhere. And how can I improve, like legitimately, not just like, well, don't suck as a person? Okay, no, like what can I literally do? What's one step that I can do to improve, which we're going to talk about. But maybe it's like automating my bills, automating my retirement contributions, automating savings, asking for help with paying a bill that you know you're going to suck at paying, etc. Right, like where can I improve? That's an important question, but it comes after you have emotionally regulated a little bit. There's no way to ask the question and have an honest answer for where can I improve? When you are stuck in shame, when you are spiraling down the self judgment rabbit hole, when you are just so dysregul that you're not even connected to your thinking brain.

Yeah, okay.

The biggest encouragement that I can give you is just practicing engaging with your money regularly. This class we're focusing on having a relationship with your money. And we know that relationships only work when there is frequent engagement. Frequent engagement. We can't really have a relationship with something when we're only touching it, seeing it, talking to it, engaging with it once a month. That's not really a relationship. So what I would love to encourage you to do is ask yourself, how can I improve this relationship? How can I engage with my money more often? How can I make this relationship a little bit more stable by engaging with this money more often? That doesn't necessarily mean doing anything. It doesn't necessarily mean, oh, I'm paying bills. But like, can I open my accounts more often and practice emotionally regulating when I do it? Can I look at my credit card statement three times a month instead of once a month and emotionally regulate while doing it? Can I check my retirement accounts weekly instead of monthly or never and emotionally regulate while doing it? Notice that emotional regulation is attached to every single action because we are so wired to think so negatively about ourselves. In relation to money. That, of course, we avoid it because we're feeling the guilt, the shame, the judgment, the shoulda, coulda, woulda. Well, if I had, like, Greg and I didn't start saving for retirement till,

like, five years ago, and some of

you may not have even started yet, right? And we were told over and over, you got to start young. You got to start young. You got to start. I was like, with what money? With what money? We couldn't even pay our bills. We couldn't even pay our bills to live. There was no money to put into retirement. Right? And so, sure, we could have started earlier. I guess we could have lived somewhere else and saved more money. I. I don't know. But, like, I don't shame myself or my husband or, like, my story. I'm just like, yeah, it makes sense that we just started. We literally just started. What is your response? What is your body response when I say the number one thing that I want you to do is engage with your money more often? What does your body do when I say that,

bug?

Fair. That's fair. Quiver.

Oh, honey, it repulses me.

Tell me about repulse. Tell me about that repulsion. Gut clench. Why does it repulse you? It clenches. And then I wonder if I will remember to check in. And what's the solution to that, Victoria? Like, oh, I'll just probably forget, but what's the solution to that? I have a visceral negative reaction to it. In my gut. I've been practicing, so it feels a tiny bit uncomfortable, but not so much anymore. Practice, practice, practice. It's like, I don't think we believe. I don't think we truly believe that, like, the tiny little practice steps matter. And then we hear someone like Carmen say, hey, I've been practicing it, and it feels a little bit easier. Hello. Hello. Yep. Victoria says the solution is to make it visual. Love that for you. And how are you going to do that? Leslia says, I echo that bug, but I know I need to, and some

part of me actually wants to.

I want to be better with money and less afraid. Of what? I don't know. All the snaps for that. 100%. I have dry erase stickies and boards in my calendars. Yep, yep, yep.

So good.

So can you set a money date or have a recurring reminder or have, like, if you are sharing money with a partner, have a check in weekly with them? Are you willing to just, like, open up your accounts? Maybe put bills, like, paper bills, which. Why are we still getting paper bills? I Don't know, Put them somewhere important, somewhere where you will see them, ask for help, opening them and paying them. If you do have a supportive person in your life. I like to check in on my money probably almost daily. And when I say I like to, what I mean by that is that's a habit that I've developed. It's like one of the, you know, like, in the morning, you open your calendar, you open the weather, and I open my app for my bank account as well. That's just something that is important to me. It's not something that I was doing 10 years ago, but it's. It is something that's important to me now.

Did you build up to checking it that frequently?

Carrie? That's a good question. I don't actually remember. I will tell you. I will be very honest and tell you that I'm not in a season of tracking every penny right now, and I wish that I was. I don't know if you remember, but, like, I totally effed up my Ynab, which was the budgeting app that I was using, totally screwed the whole thing up. I had, like, three years of consistent tracking, and then I totally, totally messed it up in an ADHD impulsive moment, and I never recovered, and I'm still paying for it. So, like, I've got some work to do myself. Y' all got some work to do myself. I need to cancel my Ynab, and

I need to try a new app.

And I do have that goal for myself, but I. I also have grace. I have a lot of grace for myself. And if you want to borrow that, here's what grace looks like. You're still working on your money, Kristin. You're still looking at it every day.

Ish.

You still have a pretty good idea of what's going in and coming out. A lot of things are automated. And you're okay. It doesn't have to be perfect right now. You just wrote a book. You're gonna be okay. That's what my inner voice sounds like. We'll get back to it. Don't worry. We'll get back to it. It's not the season for perfectly tracking everything. Let's just make sure we're not being idiots. That's what I tell myself. Right? So, like, I've. Everything's automated, including savings and retirement. So, like, I've gotten to a point where, okay, I don't have to track every single penny. Everything's automated. We need to make sure that this is a goal that we're going to do. Again. But it's okay that it's been a year. Layla says I use Rocket Money. That is the app that I was going to use. Yep. A monthly money date could be something I'll try to request. I love that. Keely. I love that. That's. It's interesting when we pull a partner into it, right? Because then they're bringing all of their money drama as well. So I would just really encourage you to stay regulated. Let them handle their feelings. You handle your feelings and remind each other that you're on the same team. You're on the same team. We have the same goals. Right. And maybe you clarify those goals. Okay, what do we do? We want to take a vacation? Do we want to save for our kids college or do we want to put money away for retirement or whatever, pay off the house or just like not overdraw? Like what are the goals? Katie says Monarch is a fabulous app too. That's awesome. Thank you for that. If you don't have a partner that you're going to be working with and maybe some body doubling, you know that we have body doubling and focused. Maybe just a date with yourself like at a coffee shop. Maybe like a little sweet treat. Like, okay, I'm going to go get a sweet treat and I'm going to do my money like that. Like you're allowed to do that. You're allowed to make it fun. You're allowed to add some dopamine to it. Not just allowed, but like highly recommend. Highly recommend. And I want to make sure that everything is automated. Do you all have your, your stuff automated? Are your bills automated? Is your savings automated? If you, if you do have retirement accounts, are those automated? How about we answer it this way? Is there anything that's not automated that could be? Like when you're thinking about your money, maybe you could open your apps right now. Is there anything that's not automated that could be automated? Because listen, you got the adhd.

You're gonna need to automate medical bills.

Okay?

Yep.

Okay. Mary says the only thing that's not automated is my credit card, but that's so that I can check it each month for fraud. That's great. I would just make sure, like, are you paying it monthly on time, and if not, do you want to automate it? But then also set a reminder to just check it. House payment and insurance. Okay, can we get those automated? I realized a couple months ago, probably like six months ago, that my mortgage payment also was not automated.

Why?

Kristen, sweetheart, my darling dear, why wasn't that Automated. We've been in the house four years. Four years, and it wasn't automated. I don't know why. I don't know what my thinking was behind that. And then I was finally just like, well, this is dumb. Finally automated it. I want you to check in with yourself if there's anything like that, that you're like, oh, yeah, this should be automated. This could be automated. Do it. Do it. Emergency fund transfers. Do y' all have an emergency fund? I saw a reel, which, you know, God bless reels. I don't even know if this is accurate, but I saw a reel that claimed that most Americans don't have a thousand dollars to access if, like, their car breaks down. Most Americans don't have money set aside for, like, just in case stuff. Haley's heard that too, so corroborated. I just want to encourage you, if you don't, to set aside at least $2,000. That is just going to sit there for. For when. Not if. For when the air conditioner breaks, the car needs new brakes or tires, your kid has an unexpected medical bill or whatever else. Because something always comes up. And it's not because you're a bad person or you're bad with money. It's just because that's what it's like to be a human in the world. Something always comes up.

Up, right?

That's this life. Something always comes up. So do you have some money set aside for when. Not if. When something comes up. And if not, can that be a goal? Can that be something that you're like, okay, I'm going to put a hundred dollars a month away for a while until I get to at least $2,000. That would be my recommendation. I read the book Profit first years ago. You've probably heard me talk about it. If you've been in my orbit for a long time, and I loved that book. I thought it was very ADHD friendly. Again, it's called Profit First. I forget who wrote it. When I was in the midst of really changing my relationship with money, I used that system, and it was very helpful. He talks about creating a smaller plate for yourself. So instead of having all of your money go into one account and just sit there for the month. And then you look at it, you're like, we have plenty of money. And then all of a sudden, it's gone at the end of the month. And you're just like. How he talks about, like, taking percentages out automatically for, you know, savings, retirement, emergency fund bills. Like, if you know what your bills are Having like a bill pay account. If you just know what it costs for you to live and be a human.

Yes.

Mike Michalowitz, thank you. He. I had an episode on the podcast with him a couple years ago too.

He's great.

So I really appreciated that approach and it is quite ADHD friendly. Another thing, I do not do any store cards ever. Ever. They always want me to do a store card. I'm like, absolutely not. I unsubscribe from all marketing emails. I don't have any shopping apps on my phone. And if you can implement like a 24 hour purchase pause, that's a really ADHD friendly thing where like maybe you put it in your cart but you don't click purchase and you just like sit with it. It's totally fine to purchase. What's not fine is when we're purchasing out of urgency and a dopamine depletion. Like, we're just like, I need a hit. That's when we get ourselves into trouble. Right? So if we can just put a little bit of space, that would be so perfect. And then really working on your money thoughts. You don't have to just like, I'm amazing with money. I'm gonna manifest all the money. Like, no. But if you could just start to change your thought pattern around money. I'm working on this. I'm becoming someone who pays attention to money. I'm willing to engage with my money regularly. I can learn financial skills. I can feel frustrated and do it anyway. I make imperfect decisions, but I'm doing my best.

I. I'm allowed to have money.

I'm allowed to keep money. I can recover from my mistakes. It's possible. It's possible.

I promise you.

It's absolutely possible. I think that we often just get caught in these thought loops of like, I'm bad with money, I can't be trusted, I'm irresponsible, I'm too far behind, or rich people are greedy. I'm never going to figure this out. Money is stressful. Like all of those, like, I should know better thought loops. Not useful if we can clock it. If we can notice it. Like, oh, I just noticed that thought. That's not helpful. Like literally saying out loud to yourself, I just noticed that. I can't believe I just had that thought. That's not helpful. That's not what I want to be thinking. That's not what I want to be directing my actions. Let me just like sit with this for a second. There's got to be a better way here. And yes. When we inevitably have to pay that ADHD tax when we miss the return deadline. Hello. I just did that.

I just did that.

Where I was just like, I missed the return deadline, the executive function required to get it back to the store, et cetera, et cetera. And I was like, you know what? I'm okay. I don't want it to happen all the time. But also, I'm not gonna lose sleep over it. It's okay. I don't want to do it again. But I did it, and I'm still alive, and I gave it to my sister.

Right. You've got a couple questions here in

the Q A question. My husband makes the money. We are blessed enough to be able to go out to eat multiple times a week if need be.

Great.

However, I've asked multiple times to go over the money. Me knowing how I don't pay the medical bills, can't see them. And his response to me is, we don't have to save money. Money gets pulled out. Every paycheck we're saving. And so she's saying, bro, I've been tracking out money in a spreadsheet for the last year. Plus, we spend way too much on food. We could afford so much more if we would spend smarter. How do I say this to him? Why? Why don't you just say that? Keely, are you still here? He doesn't believe anything I say.

Why?

Let's start here. Do you have access to all of your accounts? This is for everyone. You should have access and logins and ability to see all of the accounts. If you don't, that is a big problem. A big problem. So if you are the partner who doesn't make the money. Okay, whatever. You're still entitled to see everything. I want you to see everything. The credit cards, the retirement, the financial accounts. She says, I'm terribly sorry. I probably know the answer to this. What do you mean? We don't have credit cards. That's great. But do you have access to your bank accounts? You absolutely should. And it's not his money. It's your money. Both of yours. Both of yours. So we need to make sure that we are equal partners. It's a big issue. This is a big issue. I am extremely passionate about this. As the breadwinner. As the breadwinner, I am the one who brings home money in my home. My husband is a pastor. He worked for free for the church for three years. He's now taking a small salary. Great. Love it. But it's not my money. It's our Money. We make decisions together. I do not hold more power just because I'm the one that brings the money home. So maybe you all need to repeat after me. They don't hold more power just because they're the ones that bring the money home. Maybe if you are the breadwinner, you need to repeat after me. I don't hold more power just because I bring the money home. If we are partnered, if we are in a committed, especially marriage, right? Like, that's a. That's a legal agreement. This is our money. I'm very passionate about this. So if this stirs anything up for you, please bring it to Slack. Let's do that. Bring it to Slack. How do you approach saving for or picturing a goal that feels abstract? My student loan is a specific, measurable amount, but retirement or house feels nebulous. Hayley, I think you need to make it more concrete. How much do you want to save from retirement? That's not. That's not nebulous. Decide how much you want to have by the time you retire. Meet with someone that can help you set measurable goals for that. So when do you want to retire? If you get to choose, when would you like to retire? How much would you like to have and work with someone to help you determine exactly how much to put away for that? I know in your position, because I've known you for years, that you have the ability to do this. So I want you to hire someone to meet with them and say, tell me what to do. Preferably meet with someone that comes on a recommendation from someone else that you can trust. I feel that men don't often feel that way about their money. There is no their money. If you're married, there is no their money. There's our money. What do you do if your partner doesn't feel the same about bringing home the bacon and power in the relationship? You go to couples therapy. You go to couples therapy today. You also Google financial abuse in marriage. I'm not saying that you specifically are in a financially abusive relationship, but I want you to understand what financial abuse is so that you can see the signs of it, to see whether or not you are potentially in that situation. So you go to couples therapy immediately. You demand equality in your relationship, and you Google financial abuse.

I. I feel.

I'm, like, sweating. I'm feeling a big feeling here. I'm feeling very protective. We are in couples therapy. Thank you. I've never heard of financial abuse. It sounds like you need to go down a Google rabbit hole, Monica. And then Bring up these issues with your therapist. Okay. I'm glad you're in couples therapy. That's great. Hey, thank you so much. This was wonderful. Keely says it's gonna be okay. Breathe with me. In and out.

Thank you.

Sometimes the mama bear in me comes out because it is wild to me that some of us ADHDers are not in relationships where there is equality. And I want to say, and I want to be an advocate for us, that we should be in financially equal relationships regardless of how much we are contributing financially to the relationship. Because what is the unpaid labor that you are bringing to the table? Hello. How much unpaid labor are you bringing to the. I'm pounding on my desk. I need to relax a little bit. And as someone who is the breadwinner of the family, I would never want to to financially abuse my own spouse. I would never want to see myself as more powerful in the relationship because of what money. Get out of here. Gross. Okay, let me say thank you so, so, so, so much. Love to you. Adore you. Be safe, be well, take care of yourselves and Google financial abuse. Okay? Have a great day. We'll talk soon.

[Podcast Announcer]

A few years ago, I went looking for help. I wanted to find someone to teach

[Kristen Carter]

me how to feel better about myself

[Podcast Announcer]

and to help me improve my organization, productivity, time management, emotional regulation, you know, all the things that we adults with ADHD struggle with. I couldn't find anything, so I researched and I studied and I hired coaches and I figured it out. Then I created Focused for you. Focused is my monthly coaching membership where I teach educated professional adults how to accept their ADHD brain and hijack their ability to get stuff done. Hundreds of people from all over the world are already benefiting from this program, and I'm confident that you will, too. Go to ihaveadhd.com focused for all the details.

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