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I Have ADHD Podcast
Why ADHD Adults Feel “In Trouble” in Relationships (And How to Feel Secure)
01:25:15
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Well, let me introduce myself to you. So my name is Kristin Carter. Hello. Hello. I have ADHD. I have been hosting the I have ADHD podcast since 2019, and I am the creator of the focused ADHD coaching program, which is a group coaching program. Absolutely obsessed. Love it so much. I have multiple coaching certifications, and I specialize in trauma informed coaching and relationships. I am currently writing a book on relationships with dk, which is a division of Penguin Random House. And that book will be out in October. And I am almost ready to announce the title, but I'm not quite there yet. But I think you're gonna love it. I am. Since I have ADHD and a lot of childhood trauma. I am, of course, so nervous to put my work out into the world. So filled with, like, vulnerability and rejection sensitivity, and are people gonna like it? And I hope no one actually reads it, but I think it's gonna be a great book, and I think it's really gonna help so many people. And a lot of what I'm talking about today has come out of the research that I have. Have done for the book. So much of what I'm talking about today has come out of the research that I've done for the book. So I'm super pumped to be able to share some of that with you and just hopefully. Oh, gosh. I just. I know how much help we need as adults with ADHD in our relationships. Yeah. Ginger says we're just going to skim it anyway, so don't worry. I hear you, Ginger. I know we'll be doing an audiobook as well. I will be recording an audiobook, so you guys can do it. That you. You can listen to the audiobook if that's better for you. Tell me why you're here. Tell me why you chose to join this class on relationships. Are you struggling in your relationships? What do you feel like needs to change in your relationships? Where are you at? Where are you at in your relationships? Why are you here? I think that's a really important starting point, because as someone who's coached thousands and thousands of people with adhd, what I see is that relationships are one of our primary struggles. And since relationships shape how we view the world, how we feel about ourselves, how we interact with those around us, it really impacts our lived experience just as adults with adhd. And for me, that's why it's so important, I believe, to focus on relationships. In the last couple years, after I've gone through my own therapy, my own changes in my relationships, and I've Done a ton of work on relationships. I. I am convinced now more than ever that, that, my goodness, do we need help. We need support in this area. Let me read some of your responses. Relationships are hard. Communication is hard. I watch your YouTube channel and I love the help. I'm so glad to hear that. Thanks for. Thanks for watching. I'm struggling with a late diagnosis. Self awareness within my relationship is hard. Communication and misunderstanding. We're going to be talking about misunderstanding today. People thinking we're too entitled for asking for accommodations. My neurotypical husband doesn't get me at all. All. It's tough not to be understood. How many of you relate to that sentiment? That it's really, really tough not to be understood. That's a big theme that I see over and over. And actually the research that I conducted for this book really, like, underscored the fact that adults with ADHD have been feeling misunderstood since childhood. Yeah, a lot of people are relating to this. Somebody says, I feel like I'm too much. Yeah. That's why I named this class what it is. You feel like you're too much, but then you're also like, how am I too much? But then also not enough at the same time. How is this possible? Okay, so I want to hop right into the content because I have so much to cover today. I'm going to try to talk fast. If you have a question, try to save it for the end or at least make it very obvious that it's a question for me. YouTube doesn't have a question box, which is annoying. And I don't do, like, super chats where you have to pay for stuff. I just, whatever, I don't know. My, my YouTube, my classes, all of that is free. So I'm not going to make anybody pay me to ask a question. That's just not how I roll. So do you have a question? Put question in all caps and then type your question. Okay. Yeah. This person says, I. I've been told that I'm too intense. Yep, yep, yep. This live will save and you'll be able to access it with the same link. I'm also going to email you a replay, so don't even worry, like, if you miss something, if you're wanting to take notes or if you're like, feeling like, oh my gosh, I just don't feel like I'm absorbing everything. Absolutely no problem. And when you do watch the replay, you'll be able to have captions as well. Close capt captioning doesn't happen in real time. It is. It is something that you can have afterward. Okay? So I just wanted to make that clear because I know that that gets asked a lot. So my goal, that by the end of this hour, you're going to understand the concept of why you feel both too much and not enough and like constantly in trouble in your relationships. And I'm going to give you a tool to be able to self assess and figure out in real time whether or not a situation is your fault. That nice. I'm going to give you a tool. It's a worksheet. I'm going to give that to you later on when we get to that part of the class. I'm going to give you a worksheet that you can take and you can use and you can use in real time to assess. Am I wrong here? Am I in trouble here? What's going on? Okay. And then also I really want you to have a firm idea of what your next step is. What is your next step? Because, gosh, I wish I could solve all of this in an hour. If I could solve all of our relationship issues in an hour, that would be incredible. But you and I both know that that's not possible. Right? So this is a starting point. It's a stepping stone. It's like a first step on the journey. And then we're going to be able to give you some next steps of like, things that you can do next. Ok. I do want you to know, I do want you to know that it is possible to build healthy and connected relationships as a person with ADHD. I am 100%, unequivocally convinced that healthy and connected relationships are possible for adults with adhd. It's possible to have ADHD and feel grounded and secure in your relationships. Is possible to have adhd? I'm not saying we're solving the ADHD problem. You still have adhd. But also navigate conflict without losing your mind, without panicking, without spiraling. It's possible to have ADHD and be surrounded by healthy, safe people who love you and accept you for who you are. It is possible. It's possible. It's not just possible for me. And that's something that I've been working on in the last five years. And. And it's happening. But it's not just possible for me, it's possible for you too. And I know this because I've served thousands of people with adhd. And relationships is something that we work on and coach on all the time. And my clients are making grounded, healthy progress in strengthening Strengthening their relationships. They are. So today's class is the first step. Today's class is the first step in that journey. Okay. Are you in? If you're in, like, type it in. I'm in. Let's go. I like, let's go. I get very, very, very excited about this work because I know how life changing it is. It's changed my relationship with my partner. It's changed my relationship with my kids. It's changed my relationship with my extended family. It's changed my relationship with my friends. And it's been hard. Okay, I'm not saying, like, oh, it's so easy. This is going to be super. I'm not saying that, but I'm saying is it is possible. It is possible. It's possible for you, it's possible for me. It doesn't come without a cost. It doesn't come without a cost. Perhaps a monetary cost, like an emotional cost, Some cost of labor. Right? It doesn't come without a cost, but it is possible. Okay, so I'm curious, how many of you constantly feel like you're in trouble in your relationships? Who here would like. Yup, that's me. I constantly feel like I'm in trouble. I'm the problem. I'm in the wrong. I'm constantly feeling like I'm in trouble in my relationship. So many of you are saying, yup, always me. Constantly, always at work and with my husband. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells 24 7. Yes. Even though I know it's not true. Okay, so that's why this work is so important. And here's the thing. Like, sure, we are. We are people with adhd, right? We are. We are. So oftentimes we've been told we're too loud, too emotional, too sensitive, too unreliable, too inconsistent. We're. We're too much. But at the same time, we're not enough. We're not reliable enough. We're not stable enough. We're not disciplined enough. We're not tidy enough, gentle enough, quiet enough. And what I see in myself and in my clients is there is this push pull. In the book, I describe it as like Miley Cyrus on, like, coming in like a wrecking ball. We're just like, swinging between the two extremes of too much and not enough. Like Miley Cyrus, but just not as cute. Not as cute as Miley Cyrus. I was just like, I wish I could be that cute, but I'm not. Okay? And so adults with adhd, here's what I really, really, really want. You to like, I'm going to say this over and over today, and I want you to understand it and embody it. Most of us adults with ADHD are living in a chronic nervous system state of relational threat. It's not in our heads, it's in our bodies. Our bodies are chronically scanning for risk, scanning for threat, scanning for danger, scanning for correction, scanning for relational disruption. We are constantly living in a state of relational threat. So because of that, we're always feeling like we've done something wrong, even if there isn't evidence for it. We replay conversations in our heads over and over and over and over. We're, we're, we're trying to see, like, did I mess up? Did I say something? Did I do something wrong? We brace ourselves when we notice someone's tone changing. We over apologize just in case. Like just, just in case. We're just like constantly over apologizing. Maybe we're like rereading, you know, text threads and like reading into it. Like, oh, they sound off and I'm not sure is something wrong. We often people please to prevent conflict. We feel like intense relief when someone does reassure you. So when my husband says, hey, nobody's mad at you, I'm like, oh my God. Oh my gosh. Thank you. Hey, just want to remind you, nobody's mad at you. Like, how supportive is that? And we've been married almost 22 years. So like, I took a while for him to understand, but like even just him in a joking way reminding me that nobody's mad at me. So reassuring. So, so reassuring. This is not. Again, this is not just a thought problem. This is like our bodies are in this constant state of hypervigilance and threat. Who here relates. I'm already reading like you guys are saying. I totally do all of this every day. I'm sorry for existing. Yes. I preemptively over explain my motivation because I'm used to being misunderstood or misinterpreted. Yes, yes, yes, same, same. Hard relate. Like, absolutely the same. So our nervous system, our bodies are constantly on high alert and scanning for rejection, disapproval, conflict, disconnection, danger. Because at some point, and I would argue that point was very young, your nervous system learned that connection might not be safe. And for those of you who are new to me and my work, let me just. It's ironic that I want to apologize right now. Let me just apologize for the fact that like, I go deep pretty fast. This is not I. In, in my emails, in the ads, I said, this is not surface level stuff. I Wasn't joking. We go real deep real fast around here. And it's the same in my coaching program. Okay, we're going to cut right to the heart of the matter. And so you might need to implement a little bit of emotional regulation while we're on this call together, because it is not for the faint of heart. Yeah, you guys are saying, we love deep. Let's do it. Like, you were my people. You are my people. I love it. So at some point, your system learned connection might not be safe. So now your system stays on high alert. And the experts call this hypervigilance. Right. You're always scanning. You're. You're scanning for. You're expecting. You're predicting, sometimes without cause. You're predicting a relational threat because we're just so afraid to risk the relationship. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Okay, so why does this happen? As I said earlier, I have a certification in trauma informed coaching, and relational trauma is one of the things that I've done a deep dive on. I have gone to a bunch of conferences. I've done a bunch of online courses and classes. I've studied under Gabor Mate and Bessel Van der Kolk and Peter Levine and all of these, like, trauma giants. And what I have learned is that this starts early. And the research that I did for my book confirms this. Okay, so I surveyed. I surveyed over 2,000 adults with ADHD. 2,173 to be precise. I surveyed over 2,000 adults with adhd in preparation for writing my book. And here's what I found. And I'm just going to fly through this. And again, you can watch the replay and, and kind of like, maybe absorb more, but right now, for time's sake, I'm just going to fly through it. 80. So talking about in childhood, the ADHD experience of childhood. Let me know if you relate. 80% of respondents said they couldn't ask for what they needed as kids. They weren't safe to express their needs as kids. 60% said they couldn't be themselves at home without fear of punishment. 65% said their voices as kids were not heard or valued. 78% of survey respondents said they felt misunderstood. That breaks my heart because that does. That doesn't just go away. In childhood. 78% of respondents said they felt misunderstood. In childhood, 75% said their parents did not make space for their emotions. And hear this. This is wild. Only 11% of survey respondents. 2,173. Only 11% said their parents helped them to regulate their emotions. Which is one of the primary jobs of parents. 11% said their parents helped them to regulate their emotions, which means 89% of survey responders said, no, my parents did not help me to regulate my emotions at all. Right. Oh, my gosh. Ah. My heart is beating so fast right now because this makes me feel big feelings. So if this also makes you feel big feelings, I am so with you. And most of our parents were just doing their best, Right? And that's fine. We can hold space for that. We can have compassion for them and their struggles and their cultural experiences and their maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence. Like we can. That can be true. We can hold space for that. And we can say, gosh, I really wasn't allowed to be myself and I didn't feel safe in my childhood. Yeah, they had their own traumas. They were operating out of their own wounding. That. That can be absolutely true. And we can be compassionate and kind and forgiving and still tell the truth. Right. And still tell the truth about our own experience. So couple that childhood experience. We have that childhood experience here of most of us being misunderstood, not being able to be ourselves, not being allowed to ask for what we needed. Feeling. There was no space for emotions. So that's like our relational blueprint. That's our relational blueprint. It's built in childhood. There's a great book called how to Be an Adult in Relationships, and I quote the author quite a bit in the book that I'm writing. And one of the things that he says is our childhood either forms or deforms our ability to be in relationships. I'm going to read that again. Our childhood either forms or deforms our ability to be in relationships. And my research does show that for most of us with adhd, our relational experience as children has a negative impact on how we view relationships now. Right. H. Yes. Lisa says constantly being told, I'm too sensitive, I talk too much. Yep, yep, yep. All of it. In addition, of course, we also have adhd. And that. That can't be overlooked. So in addition to those childhood wounds, which really gave us the blueprint for our relational experiences, we also have adhd. So, like, also in addition to that, your ADHD symptoms do impact your relationships. You're time blind. You're disorganized to varying degrees. Right. You're emotionally sensitive and maybe reactive. You struggle to remember dates and plans and things you've committed to. You struggle with impulsivity. And maybe you make rash decisions and maybe you're impatient and you get Distracted a lot. So there is also this real neurodevelopmental disorder that is, you know, you're having symptoms that are impacting your relationships as well. Right? So it's both. Do you see how it's both? It's like the childhood experience forms our relational blueprint. And now we also know that we have this neurodevelopmental disorder that is so tough and like we're not perfect people. And yes, we do struggle. And some of us have been masking for years and years and years. And I mean, there's almost 500 people here in the room together, live. And between the 500 of us, some of you are medicated, some of you are unmedicated, some of you are self diagnosed, some of you have a diagnosis but haven't really done anything about it. So like, there's varying degrees of support represented in this room. Right. So there's a lot that's impacting our relationships. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. And so over decades and decades of feeling, of relational experiences. Excuse me. Decades and decades of relational experiences, we learn like, I am both too much and not enough. I'm too sensitive, too loud, too impulsive, too distracted. I'm too much and I'm not enough. Not reliable enough, not steady enough, not systematic enough, not organized enough. It's both. And it's not super fun. It is not super fun. Yeah. Ginger says it makes you want to go and hide. It makes you want to go and hide. And that is that feeling of being in trouble. Like you're always the problem. Like when something goes awry in a relationship, you just kind of automatically assume like, this is my fault. I've had enough relational experiences. And my relational blueprint has been wired, has been designed to tell me this is your fault. You're in trouble. You're in the wrong here. You need to change. You need to be better, you need to xyz. You fill in the blank, be cleaner. Like how many of you are like, fighting with your partner about messes? You know, oh man, this is not easy stuff. This is not for the faint of heart. I'm so glad you guys are here. So, yes, we have our ADHD symptoms and yes, maybe we're in relationship with people who aren't super healthy and maybe we're not super relationally healthy. But the biggest issue that we're going to talk about today and the biggest thing that we can have agency over and make a change on is that I'm going to step out on a limb here and say that you probably don't feel secure inside of yourself. You don't trust yourself. You feel like you can't trust yourself. You're constantly bracing for impact and assuming that you're the problem. You're still living like you did when you were little. How many of you feel like that? You're still living kind of like a kid. You don't really feel like a grown up in your own brain when in reality you are grown now, you are safe now, and you're not in trouble. You're not. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. King. L106 or something. I'm sorry, I'm bad at reading names. Says, are you reading my therapist's notes? No, I just have adhd. I've coached thousands of people with adhd. I just know I've lived it. I am living it. I've lived it and I'm living it. So I had an experience a couple years ago where I realized that I feel like a kid in my relationship. Sorry, plural. My relationship's plural. Like, why don't I feel grounded? Why don't I feel secure? Why don't I trust myself? Why don't I feel like, yes, I. I know I am. And I, like, sure, I am the problem sometimes, but I can't be the problem 100% of the time. Right? Like, sure, I want to take responsibility for when I am the problem, but it just can't be possible that I'm the problem 100% of the time. So, like, what, What. What's going on here? And that's when I started going on a trauma deep dive, a therapy deep dive, a coaching deep dive, a learning deep dive of, like, why. Why do we all feel this way? Yeah. Joshua says, yes, I'm living like a kid for sure. I'm. This person says, I'm feeling broken, like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Yes, 100%. You're reading my mind. I'm so glad. I want you to come into this space, and this is how I approach my coaching program as well. I want you to come into the space and feel so validated and feel like you're like, I. I'm naming things that, like, you weren't able to name before. That's. That is always my goal, that you are just feeling really, really validated. Because, listen, this is so hard. And we don't get much validation out there in the wild at all. We also don't get a lot of validation in our relationships, which is something that I think really needs to be worked on. This is why? My husband of 22 years now, he passes me in the house and he says, nobody's mad at you. I'm like, oh my gosh, I love you. I love you. So because you feel like you're still a kid, we often kind of act in that childhood space. We overreact, we over accommodate, we explode, we self abandon. How many of you feel like you're self abandoning in your relationships? You're saying yes when you want to say no. You're pretending to like something that you don't like. You're maybe pretending to like someone that you don't like just so that you don't have to lose yet another relationship. And how many of you feel like you're over committing, like over promising and under delivering across the board in your relationships where you're just like, what? I can't like if I say yes to one more thing, I'm going to collapse. But I don't feel safe to say no. I don't feel strong enough to say no. I don't feel secure enough and grounded in myself to say thanks for the offer. I'm not able to do that. And so I self sacrifice to my own detriment, which leads me to resentment. It leads me to not following through, it leads me to canceling plans at the last minute, and it leads me to present as if I'm flaky. So like, it seems like I'm really flaky, but I'm not flaky. I'm just over committed. Yes. All the time. Yes, yes, yes. I definitely don't feel safe saying no. Yeah, 100%. I did the exact same thing the other day. Yep, yep, yep. Overwhelmed. Some of us workaholic parents are having a harder time with this. Yes. And Joshua is pointing out a really great point is that on the flip side of this, in order to avoid it, a lot of us self isolate, we withdraw. We just become very unattached in our relationships as a protective mechanism because we were never taught how to be attached in a safe way. And so all of our attachments feel unsafe. They feel really like, oh, I'm just gonna have to like be someone else. I'm gonna have to be a chameleon. Right. In order to make this person continue to like me and love me. So it just feels easier to be detached and avoidant. Yeah. A lot of you saying you're very avoidant. Isolation and hiding, Right. Because like, how exhausting is it to always be over committing, always be people pleasing, always be self abandoning, always be over promising and under delivering. At some point, we just get to the. To. To this point where we're just like, I've had enough. I've had an. I'm exhausted. I've had enough. I'm done. Yeah. It's like burnout. Yes. Kate, thank you for that. Thank you for that. It's like relational burnout, right? Like a. Like a. A relational burnout. Yes. Nick says this. Excuse me, this is me, a chameleon, my whole life. Ginger says, I feel worn out. Bitten says, wait, other people do that? What? I tell my friends I don't hang out because it's for their own good. Oh, that breaks my heart, honey. Yes. Even procrastinating, reaching out to safe friends. Yes. Okay, so the real work here, and this is what we're starting today, the real work here is creating relational security from the inside out. What we were taught in childhood, most of us, is that our relational security depended on whether or not someone else was pleased with us. I don't want you to miss it. I really want to say it again. What most of us are taught in childhood is that my relational security is dependent on how I perform and how happy someone else is with me. Now, let me tell you how exhausting that is, because instead of being concentrated on myself, who I am, what I want, my own internal experience. Now, I don't even think about myself. I'm constantly looking outward to someone else. Am I performing enough for them? Am I. Are they happy with me? If not, what do I need to do to make them happy with me? And that, my friend, is twisted. We've got it twisted. And it's not our fault. Again, this is the relational blueprint that we were handed. This is. This is what we were handed. Okay, so this is not our fault, but it is our responsibility now to like, flip that, right? And be like, okay, what if I concentrated on feeling secure, feeling grounded, and on my own internal experience? What about that? Because we need to learn. Here's what we need to learn. How to feel safe even if someone else is upset with us. Imagine we need to learn who in our life is healthy, who. Who's healthy and safe to be around. I want to spend more time with those people and less time with people who are constantly insisting that I perform for them. We need to learn how to focus on our own experience and stop prioritizing every. Everyone else's comfort over our own comfort. Does that make you want to vomit? And we've got to learn emotional regulation and how to self soothe. Because this process, especially initially, is like oh, my goodness. It requires a lot of emotional regulation. It requires a lot of self soothing. It requires so much willingness to be able to let myself feel really big feelings without reacting to them. Really big feelings without reacting to them. I am seeing a couple of your questions, and I won't be taking questions for a couple minutes. So when I ask for questions, if you could just copy and paste those again, that would be great. Okay. If we don't learn these things, we're never going to feel secure and we're going to continue to feel at risk in all of our relationships. Like, we're on the verge of getting in trouble. We're walking on eggshells. And this, of course, will lead us to repeat the pattern of over accommodating, saying yes when we want to say no, having blurred boundaries or no boundaries at all, withdrawing, avoiding, exploding, self abandoning, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Like, you guys can add your own. Right? Right. So I just want to pause here, and I want to say, do you see now why you feel like you're too much and not enough at the same time? Like, is that clear? The. The relational blueprint that we were handed in childhood and our relational experiences as a. As adults. Right. Do you see now why you feel like so often you're gonna get in trouble? You're the problem. You're the one that's in the wrong constantly, even when there's, like, no evidence. How many of you have had that experience where you're just like, there's not actually any evidence that I effed this up. And yet I still feel like this is my fault. I'm the problem. If they're mad, I guess that it must be me. Right? Amy says, yeah, but I can't change it just knowing about it. That's right, Amy. That's right, Amy. That's right. This is where, like, knowing better doesn't necessarily help us. We have to integrate it into our bodies. And that is why this takes a little while. That's why this process takes a little while. Because knowing it logically is very different than integrating it into your body experience. Right. I. And I wish I could solve this for you in an hour. That would be incredible. I would absolutely love it. It would the best thing ever if I could just be like, no, all you need to do is know. All you need to do is know it logically. And that's it. I've solved your problem. You're welcome. Goodbye. And then just like, close. Like, we can close in prayer. All done. No, that's not how it works. So I'm going to give you a tool. I'm going to give you a tool that you can use in real time. For the first time ever on a YouTube live, I'm going to share my screen and let me tell you, I'm scared and in focused. When I'm coaching and focused, I get so scared. What if I share my screen and it's like my text messages or my bank account or so something scary. But I've closed all of my other browsers. Please reassure me when I have. Nope, not that. Yes, this is. Okay. Am I sharing the right thing? What if I do it wrong? Exactly. Let me make it a little bit bigger. Okay. How's that? Okay, good. We're good. Okay, so this is a tool that I'm going to give to you. I'm going to pop it into the link, I'm going to email it to you. I'm going to put it in the show notes of this YouTube live. So there are many different places that you are going to be able to access this. Okay. And I'm just gonna breeze through it here because you're going to have it. You're going to be able to take it home, you're going to be able to print it out, read it, take notes, blah, blah, blah. You're going to be able to use it in real time. So I'm just going to breeze through it here while we're together. The question always when it comes to relationships is, am I safe? Am I safe? Am I okay? Am I good? And the second question is, what am I responsible for? What am I responsible for? Is this my fault? Am I in trouble? Do I have to take ownership for this? Am I the problem? Right. Are you with me? Yes. Hey, while you're here, would you press the like button? Would you just do that real quick? While you're here, Would you just go ahead and click that like button? Bonus points if you subscribe. That would be so awesome. Okay, so this is a tool to use in real time. When you feel like you're in trouble. The first thing to do is pause and breathe. That's it. Instead of reacting immediately over apologizing, trying to make it right over explaining. Pause and breathe. Pause and breathe. The next thing you're going to do is you're going to name what's happening. Okay, I see what's happening. I'm feeling like I'm in trouble. And. And just name what's happening in your body. So these are just examples. I feel panicked. Okay. My Heart's racing, my chest is tight. I'm sweating like my pits are sweating. Right, right. And. And recognize the urge that you have to do something, to react, to apologize, to fix it to people, please. To over commit. Okay. This is a natural response of your, of your nervous system. Okay? So this again, you're using this tool in real time and you're just saying like, okay, this is just a natural response. This is a conditioned response. I felt like this forever and ever. This is not necessarily reality. The next thing you need to do is check in with yourself and. And question your safety. Am I safe? 9.9 times out of 10, you are physically safe. But of course, if you're not physically safe, if you're truly unsafe and in danger, you need to take care of that. You need to do whatever it is that you need to do in order to protect yourself. But just having that logical conversation with your brain, am I safe right now? Am I safe? Right? And you're like, oh, yeah, there's no tiger chasing me. No one is, you know, harming me physically. I'm in my house. Okay? I am safe. I am safe. Okay. Okay. Now, if you are safe, but you feel unsafe, if you are safe, but you feel unsafe, and this is where you remind yourself, hey, I'm safe. My body feels unsafe, but I'm not in danger. So this is the time to emotionally regulate, ground yourself. Breathe deeply. Get out into nature. Allow the emotions to be in your body, but offer yourself reassurance. You're okay, you're safe. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. You would, like, literally, physically give yourself a hug. Splash your face with water. Go for a run. Snuggle with your pet called a friend. Ask for a hug. Ask your husband to tell you that you're not in trouble. Like, ask your husband. Husband, like whatever, partner, friend. Am I, Am I in trouble? Are you mad at me? And just ask for that reassurance. Right. Just so you know, as Ed is saying right now, nobody's mad at you. Like, literally ask someone to say those exact words. Okay? This is the concept of co regulation. It's borrowing someone else's safe nervous system. Okay, so you're calming yourself down now. Of course, of course we do want to know. We do want to take responsibility when that's appropriate. So it is good to check in. Did I do something wrong? Meaning not, did I upset someone? That's not the question. That's not the question. Did I do something that doesn't align with my values? Did I forget something or Miss something or speak harshly or did I do something unethical? Do you see how these questions are centered on you? Do you see that? Do you see how these questions are centered on have you done something against your own values, against your ethics? Did you actually do something wrong that you can take responsibility for? But so many of us, so many of us just assume that we've done something wrong when literally we've done nothing. We've done nothing. So. But sometimes we've done something. Some like we, we miss a coffee date with our friend because we forgot to put it in our calendar. Let's take that right? What do we do? If you are responsible for something, the first thing you do is offer self compassion. Okay, I made a mistake. I hate making mistakes. But I am just human and I'm allowed to be a human. Like I'm allowed to be human. So I'm human. I made a mistake. But I'm going to take ownership, I'm going to apologize, take accountability, repair it. I'm sorry. I know I did something to hurt you. I take responsibility for that. This was my fault. And here's how I'm going to adjust my behavior moving forward. Because sometimes we are in the wrong and it's okay to admit that. It's okay to say I effed up. I'm sorry about that. I don't. I know how this impacted you. I hate that I hurt you. Okay, but so often when we ask ourselves these questions like did, did I do something that doesn't align with my values? Did I forget something, miss something, speak harshly, or do something unethical, I would say like seven times out of ten, the answer to that is usually no. The answer to that is usually no. And so in that case, no, I'm not responsible, not actually responsible for something here. Then you remind yourself, okay, this is my nervous system talking. This is my nervous system talking. I'm feeling like I'm in danger, but I'm not actually in danger. And so here's what I need to do. I need to regulate my emotions. I'm not going to apologize because I didn't actually do anything wrong. I'm not going to. People, please. I'm not going to over commit. I'm going to stay grounded. And here's the part that's so hard. I'm going to allow discomfort without fixing it. Everybody turn to your neighbor, Turn to your neighbor and say maybe. Maybe take their hand really gently. I'm going to allow discomfort without fixing it. Sometimes that means allowing someone else their own discomfort without Fixing it. Because guess what? Adults get to be uncomfortable. That's not your responsibility to manage. Oh. Next you're going to choose a grounded response. You might want to respond thoughtfully. You might want to ask a question out of curiosity for clarity. You might want to give it 24 hours. You know, like write up a response but then sleep on it. Or you might just do nothing. You might just do nothing. And that's okay, too. That's okay, too. Okay. Where am I? Okay, so you understand why you feel in trouble and where it comes from. You have a tool that you can use in real time. You have a starting point. This is good. But we've already talked about it and I've coached thousands of people. I already know. A one hour class is not going to rewire the brain. Right? A one hour class doesn't solve everything. And you're going to have this tool in real time. So you can, you can save it on your phone, you can print it out, you can put it in five places in your home, and you can literally implement it in real time. But having a tool on hand doesn't necessarily mean you're going to be able to use it and implement it. And if you're wanting to go deeper and make a real lasting change, I want to offer you a solution for change. Okay? I want to offer you a solution for change. In April, starting Monday, in like five days, I'm going to be teaching an entire course on relationships inside of my coaching program. It's called Focused. The course will include a workbook that is incredible. Four live classes just like this, taught by me, but on specific steps to improve relationships. Four coaching calls where I can coach you live on the call for coaching calls on relationships. Okay. And a supportive community. We have our community on Slack so that we're not on social media, but it's a supportive community for accountability and support. And we have hundreds of people with ADHD in that community, all obsessed with improving their relationships. So a life changing, step by step workbook. Four relationship classes taught by me. Four coaching calls focused on relationships, hosted by me and an engaged community of adults with ADHD on Slack. And here's what we're going to be studying. Emotional regulation in relationships. How to actually emotionally regulate so that you're not overreacting, so that you're not trying to solve and fix someone else's discomfort. How to know the difference between safe and unsafe people so that you're surrounded by people that are healthy. Boundaries. How to set boundaries with yourself, your partner, your kids, knowing your needs I mean, knowing what you need in relationships and being able to ask for them to be met. Your capacity. Mutual accountability. How to apologize and make a repair. How to stop over promising and under delivering to the people that you love. Like, how about that? How to stop over promising and under delivering to the people that you love in relationships. Okay, I'm sharing again. Is it correct? Yes, it is. Okay, so when you join, you can save $100 on your first month. So you can get this entire course for 100 bucks. Actually, 99, 50, but like, who's counting? You're going to save $100. You're going to get $100 off. You're going to get the entire course for a hundred bucks. And it's a live course taught by me. Okay. It's a lot. Like I'm just like 100 teaching, engaged. I'm there all month long. I'm in slack every day. Usually not on the weekends, but sometimes I just miss you. So I go in on the weekends. So here's what you're going to do. You are going to. Where am I? Here's the link to what you're seeing. Now just scroll down a little bit because this is actually the top of it here. So you'll see that first. And when you click, when you click, it's going to take part. And the coupon code is already loaded. You don't even have to do anything. The coupon code's already loaded, so it's 9950. Okay. I want you to join this course so badly because I know how much we all need help in our relationships. 100%. And so for 99 bucks, you can get this entire relationships course plus everything else that you get in the Focus program. So what you're actually going to get is 12 coaching calls, not just eight. The eight are the ones that I'm teaching. Then there's four additional. So you'll get 12 coaching calls, the community, a workbook, accountability, and that. It works out to about three bucks a day. It worked. It works out to about 3, 3:30 a day. $3.30 a day for this relationships course. Okay. And if you join today, you'll get the entire course. So I've planned it out so that you, you know, like you're 30 days in focus. If you're. If you only want to stay for one month. We have people come and go. We have people come in for years. We have people come in for a couple months, then leave, then come back. So, like, it's totally up to you. But if you're like, I just want to join for the course. You'll get the entire course if you join right this second. I forgot to put the. I forgot to put the worksheet in the chat, didn't I? Let me go grab that for you. Let me grab that for you. Okay, hold on. Loading. Mark says that's a half a cup of Starbucks per day. I love that. Okay, there's the worksheet. I just loaded it. I'm sorry, I forgot to put it into the chat. Oh, thank you, Felicia. Thank you so much. Okay, like I said, we're going to be studying emotional regulation in relationships. How to know the difference between safe and unsafe people, boundaries, needs, like knowing what your needs are, what to do when you feel misunderstood, how to manage your capacity in relationships. How to ask for accountability, how to apologize and make a repair. And how to stop over promising and under delivering. And when you sign up today, you can save a hundred dollars off your first month. A hundred dollars off? So you get the course for 99, 50. Aw. Joshua says. I feel very lucky to have found Kristen. I feel so glad that you're here. Truly. The fact that there's like still 400 people hanging out, like, what the heck? What the heck? 400 people. If there were 400 people with ADHD in a room together, like in an actual room. Ah. And this is how I feel in Focused is. It's a community of ADHD years and we just like hang out together. It is the most supportive community on the planet. I know. It's so fun. It would be a loud room. That is so, so true. Okay, so I want to let you know that if you join today, you get the whole course. Plus, I. I do want to let you know that there are already five courses available to you that you can like start working on in advance of the relationship course. And I do want to let you know that this offer ends on Monday. Okay, the offer ends Monday. But listen, we do have a holiday coming up, and if you do celebrate the holiday, that means this weekend is probably going to be really busy. Am I right? So if this is something that you want, I encourage you to do it now. If it's not something you want, no problem at all. But if it's something you want, I encourage you to do it now because we do have the holiday coming up and I don't want you to miss the sale. For those of you who are curious, what is it like inside of Focused? Like, what is it even? What do you even. What do you get what am I going to get if I sign up? I will show you right this second. Okay. When you log into focused. Okay. There it is. I just want to say. I just want to say I'm doing a great job of sharing my screen today, and it's my first time. I'm a first timer and I am doing a great job. I'm very proud of myself. Okay. So when you log in, which you'll be able to do immediately when you sign up, you will get all of this immediately. We have hundreds of hours of past coaching calls for you. So if you just are like, I just. I need help. I need Kristen's voice. I need wisdom. I need support. Go watch the past coaching call calls. Go watch the past coaching calls. It is me coaching people with ADHD live face to face. And you'll get to just absorb wisdom and validation and truth. Okay. But I also want to show you that when you log in as a first timer, you're going to get five courses immediately. Five courses immediately. Okay. How to coach yourself, which is the. The tool that we use is called the steer map. Self concept, and how to quiet your inner critic. How many of you need to quiet your inner critic? Anyone? Anyone? Time management and scheduling, emotional regulation, and how to build self trust. So if you join today, when you join today, you'll be able to just, like, binge these courses. So I'll just show you what, like, you'll get the workbook. So I don't. If I press this, I'm pretty sure you're not going to be able to see it because it's going to upload in a different browser. But this is the workbook. You can also buy a physical copy and have it sent to you. I have some worksheets here and then all of these different classes, so I. Oh, look how cute she is. All of these different classes. And we also have them uploaded into a podcast as well. Okay. And then once I start recording the relationships course, you'll have access to that as well. Felicia, would you pop in the worksheet again? A couple people are asking for the worksheet. We're also going to email out the worksheet, so you don't need to worry about that. And Felicia, make a note also that we need to include the worksheet in the email that goes out tomorrow. Thank you. Oh, Heather's here, too. So Felicia and Heather are my team. They are my frontal lobe. They help me with everything. They help me with everything. Everything. This would not be happening if it were not for them. This would not be happening if it were not for them. Okay, sign up today. You have access to the entire relationships course, but you can get a head start by binging a course or two in advance. Don't forget that the sale ends, the hundred dollars off ends on Monday. But if you celebrate the holiday coming up, if you celebrate Good Friday, Easter, all of that, you might want to take care of it today if this is something that you want. Okay, let's answer questions. I'm going to take a sip. Look at my time management. Look at my time management. Can we just look at it? It is one o' clock on the dot. Oh, my gosh. I know. I am so proud. One o' clock on the dot. Wtf? Who even am I? Okay, what questions do you guys have either about the Focus program or about relationships that I can answer? Hi, Tamara. Would this help with a challenging co worker relationship? Absolutely. Yes. Absolutely. The relationship work that we do in Focused and the content of my book is not just relationships with partners, it's relationships with friends, with kids, with co workers, with extended family. Okay. So absolutely yes. And I will say that relationships with co workers are so important because you are with them eight hours a day, seven days, five days a week. Right. It's like it really, really impacts you. Are you sure you have adhd? I thought punctuality was a myth. Right, right. I will say I am medicated, caffeinated, regulated. I. My team made me prepare, which is really rude. So rude. They're both neurotypicals and they're like, you got to prepare. And I'm like, I hate you that you're being mean to me. Okay. I'm just scanning for questions. Nice session. So sorry, I can't find the worksheet. Okay, can Felicia and or Heather pop the link to the worksheet and the link to focused as well? Just keep popping them in. How do I prevent the people pleasing narrative with my kids? Becky, the first thing that you do, and this is something that we're going to cover in week two in Focus. The first thing that you do is stop people pleasing yourself. You stop people pleasing you work on you to stop people pleasing and then you're able to clock it in your kids when they're people pleasing and you don't accept it from them, you say, oh, no, no, you don't need to do that for me. So you don't let them people please with you and then you tell them the truth about the relationships that they're in. So it sounds like this person only Likes you when you're doing things for them. Does that feel true? All right. But it starts with you noticing it in you and then you modeling it for your kids and then you speaking truth about their relationships. Let me see. Is it reasonable? Okay. Is it a reasonable accommodation to tell your family you're doing a trip, who you're doing it? Let's try reading. Let's try reading. Let's, let's try this again. And we're going to try reading words. Is it a reasonable accommodation to tell your family you're doing a trip with that? I can't be packed by 5amoh, I can't be picked up by 5am and for us to start our road trip after 9am yes, that is absolutely reasonable. I'm sorry, I do not consent to leaving at 5am that's not going to work for me. I love you. I'm excited to go with you. 5am is not going to work for me. Would you be willing to do a later time? 9am would be my preference, but I'm willing to meet you at 8am so like, I would give a little flexibility on your end. Like 9am Would be ideal, but I could tolerate 8am like something like that. But it's absolutely reasonable. Especially if they're your family. Especially if they're your family. Okay. What if your spouse also has adhd? He people pleases, which leads him to accept non stop side jobs, which takes him away from us every day and leaves everything, he leaves everything out and he's addicted to his phone. Oh, that's so hard. That's so hard. This is pretty complex. This is, this is pretty complex. So what I would say is this is an issue with him. Obviously it sounds like he needs more support for his adhd. In addition to that. It sounds like a boundary issue for him and for you. It sounds like there's a boundary issue here where we need to have a very calm, supportive conversation that says I see what's happening and it's not working for me. I see what's happening and it's not working for me. And so we need, we need to have a chat about this. It sounds like there's some unreasonable expectations for like he's just expecting that you're just going to be there and do the things without him. So it's, it sounds pretty complex, like he needs more support for his ADHD and there needs to be a very clear boundary conversation. Boundaries are something that we're going to be working on in the course a ton because many of Us were taught that we're not allowed to have limits or boundaries. Hello? Anyone? Many of us were taught as kids, you're not allowed to set limits and you're not allowed to have boundaries. And we've taken that blueprint, as I said, into our adult relationships. Does this help feeling people, feeling like people? Does this help with feeling like people do not like you? Yes. Yes, 100%. And I would say the self concept and identity and how to quiet your inner critic course is really going to help with that as well. What is the best way to regulate and help with your child who you see struggling like you are and you want to help them? So my advice with kids and I have a whole course on parenting inside of Focused that's available a couple months into the program. But my advice with kids is always work on this in yourself, work on your own regulation and then you can be a model and co regulate with your kid. A big part of this too. As parents, we just feel like when we see our kids repeating our same mistakes, we feel like a failure. We feel like so scared for them, so anxious. And I think that that is something that we need to regulate on our own as well. My kid's gonna be okay. I'm. I'm going to support them as best as I can. But parenting always starts with whatever I see in my kid that I don't like. I need to address it in myself first. That's why parenting is so hard. Listen, I have three kids, 17, 15 and 12, and it is the hardest work I've ever done. Question. When we don't have evidence that we've offended someone, is it really not our responsibility for them feeling uncomfortable and that is their. Theirs? Yes, Sammy, yes. Yes. Imagine if you could really embody that. I'm. I'm picking up my mic. I'm getting. I'm gonna preach. Imagine if you could embody that where you recognize, okay, I haven't done anything wrong here. The other person is uncomfortable. That's actually not my responsibility. So I'm gonna manage my own emotions and I'm gonna self soothe here, but I'm not going to fix this for them because guess what, they're an adult. It's their responsibility to fix it for themselves. And it's not my job to make everyone else feel comfy. That was, I will speak for myself. That was my job in my family growing up, making sure everyone felt comfy so that I could be safe. That was my job. But now that's not my job. This is a big thing that we work on in focused is understanding what, what we're responsible for and what we're not responsible for. Question. Have you related to any of the attachment styles given that both ADHD behaviors and attachment styles seem to be formed in childhood? Yes. I think attachment theory is fascinating. I think I am an anxious, avoidant attachment style. I, I absolutely know that attachment has a lot to do with how I show up in relationships and my kind of like, default. Right? So we can always override our attachment style and we can always grow into secure attachment, which really is what the course is all about. But my default, when I'm dysregulated, when I'm not self aware, when I'm just kind of acting without thinking, my default is anxious. Anxious, avoidant. Okay, what other questions do we have? Question. What would you say to your neurotypical wife when she says, you put all, you put it all on adhd. Now how good? Oh, sweetheart. Okay, I'm going to. The essence of what this person is saying is that his wife, who's neurotypical is saying that he's blaming his adhd. Blaming ADHD for the things that are hard, for the struggles and evading responsibility. How many of you, how many of you feel like in your relationships you're being accused of evading responsibility and just blaming adhd? This makes me so sad. And I actually get really angry and protective and like Mama bear, Kristen Carter comes out in these moments. Mama bear comes out. Because here's the thing. ADHD is not an excuse, but it is an explanation for why things are harder. And I literally, for those of you who are clinically diagnosed, I have a medical diagnosis for why things are harder for me. And if you want them to be easier for me, I need more support. That means I need to spend time, money and energy on supporting my adhd. So if you are actually wanting me to, like, show up better, great. How are we going to support me? Because I can't do it on my own. I need support. So that means can we allocate money for therapy? Can we allocate money for coaching? Can we make sure that medication is a priority and you're supporting me and taking it? Can we outsource some of the household tasks so that they don't all fall on me? Can we divvy up our labor so that I can do the things that I'm good at and not have to worry about the things that I'm not good at? Like, hello, if you want me to change, yelling at me is not going to help. Accusing Me blaming me is not going to help. ADHD is a scientifically proven medical condition. It is a neurodevelopmental disorder. Okay, sure. It is not an excuse, but it is an explanation for why things are harder. And we need to start supporting me so that I can start showing up better for you. But I can't show up better for you until we start supporting me. This is why when people tell me that their partners won't let them spend money on coaching or therapy or medication, I become enraged. I become enraged. Rage consumes me because it's those same people that are blaming and shaming and judging their partners with ADHD and withholding access to support. I need to breathe. Hang on. Consumed with rage. Cecilia says, can you come and live with me and say that when my m. When my wife blames me for my symptoms? Yes, I can. Just text me. Just. Just drop her number in the chat and I'll text her for you. It's so good. Okay, let me see if there are any other questions here. Question. What if we can't accurately figure out who is a safe person and who isn't? This. I literally have a step by step process for you in this course. I literally have a step by step process for you in this course. Here's what a safe person looks like. Here's what an unsafe person looks like. We look at behavior over time. We look at history of behavior over time. Time. Like it feels like someone demands too much. Does that make them unsafe? Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. And it is okay to say, I feel like you're demanding more than I can give. It might not be too much, but it's too much for me. I. I'm not able to meet these demands. So we need to have a conversation about how this is going to work. Work? Yes. Focused is a monthly charge so you can join for your first month at $100 off. And then if you choose to continue it, it automatically renews. It's a monthly membership. But you can cancel anytime. Okay. You can cancel anytime with no shame and no blame. And you can come back and join us when you want to. Can you talk about people who feel safe until challenge? Oh, okay. Until they're challenged or boundaries are set? Yes. I would say that that is. Most people in the world who are unsafe are actually. They show up pretty safe until they're unhappy, until they're held accountable, until you set a boundary. And that's when you're really going to see the truth. That's when you're really going to see the truth. Okay. You're going to see the truth about who they actually are. Because the nice version of ourselves, like, we could fake nice for a long time, we can fake nice for a long time. But what happens when we're challenged? What happens when we cross a line and someone holds us accountable? What happens then? Let me see. Yeah, I actually learned this with my parents. That. That's when I'm just going to share too much here. Permission to overshare. Question mark. Okay, great. What I learned as I began to be authentic and stop pretending in my relationship with my parents is as soon as I started to set boundaries, they became real weird. And I was like, this is so strange. What is going on here? And. And as, of course, in therapy and coaching, I kind of, like, reviewed the history of our relationship. Things were okay as long as I was compliant. But I'm 45. At the time I was 40. I was 40 years old. I was done being compliant. Sorry. And that exploded the relation. It exploded the relationship. Sorry. So, as I said earlier, this does come at a cost. Feeling grounded, feeling secure. Knowing your line, having clarity is not free. It's not free. It's not free. But it is worth it. Oh, my gosh. Let me just tell you, I feel like a grounded adult now. I know who I am. I feel so secure. And when I don't feel secure, I have access to tools that get me back on track. Where am I in the coaching? Will the end live chat and questions be able to be recapped later? Please help. Thanks so much. I think so. I'm pretty sure we have it set to show the chat and the questions later, so. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. Any last questions? Oh, yes. Rich and Roxy. They're great. Nadine. I. I think they're great. They wrote a great book, too. Two good books. They. They great. They. They. They great. I'm just scanning questions, which is why I can't speak. Oh, man. Oh. Beth says I share a video with them and I get. Is this another video about adhd? Why wouldn't you want to understand me? Is this an imposition on you? Is this an imposition? I just bought the course. When does it start? Amazing, Sammy. I'm so glad. Okay, so the first class is Monday, but you can go into the courses and you can binge stuff in the courses. You can join the community on Slack and introduce yourself. I will say hi to you. There is focused only in US Funds. No, it will. It will convert to your currency. Trauma and grief and ruminating how to help. Honey, you need Support. You need support. Whether that looks like focused or therapy or some other coaching or. But just make sure it's trauma informed. You need trauma informed support. If you are struggling, it is not because you are lazy or dumb or stupid or not trying hard enough. It is because you are under supported. If you are underperforming, Hear me, everyone. Look alive, people. Lock in. Ready? As my kids would say, lock in. Mommy, look alive. If you are underperforming, you are under supported. I'm just gonna. We can stitch that on a pillow. If you are underperforming, you are under supported. This is not. And I know you're gonna say no, Kristen, if I just. If I just manage my time better, if I just blah, blah, blah. If I just did it. I know you have that list in your head and you want to fight me on this. I know because I know you. I know you. But let me tell you the truth. If you're underperforming, you're under supported. Okay? Somebody made a really great point. Sammy just said focused comes to for the Canadian conversion. It was 138.75. And she says almost the same price as an hour of counseling. So I thought it was worth it. I do want to. To say that that one on one coaching and counseling usually starts at about $100 an hour. Usually usually starts at about $100 an hour. And focused just for the month of April is going to be 12 coaching calls. 12 for 99.50 for a hundred dollars off. Okay, So I do want to like make that distinction for you. That like, it's not nothing. There is a, there is a cost to it. But when you look at the cost relative to other coaching, one on one coaching or a therapy session, which I hope everyone has access to therapy, but if you look at the cost relative to therapy, it's like one session, one or two. Try better support and see. Yes, exactly. Tamara. Tamara is one of my OGs. She has been in focus since 2020. January of 2020. Can you believe it? Most people come and go. They stay for a couple months or a couple years. It's very normal for people to come and go and focus. And then we have a couple lifers and Tamara is one of those. And I love it. Okay, any other questions before I wrap this up? You guys have been amazing. I've loved every second of being here with you. Every second. Yes. Lisa says I'm under supported and I feel like a burden. Yeah. Beth says hi, Beth. I was blown away by how much is included in focus There is so much there. Slack, private podcasts, replay classes, workbooks obsessed. That's awesome. I have no support and I don't have the money for your class. I do have my free podcast. It's the I have ADHD podcast. You can subscribe to it here on YouTube. And there are almost 400 episodes on Apple and Spotify. So that's free support right there. Free support. Okay. Please address. No meds. I had to stop. Why did you have to stop? That's not my business. But like, like, why? Why? I'm so sorry. It's not my business. You do not have to share it. If I had to be unmedicated, I would struggle. But here's what I would do. I would exercise every day. I would outsource as much. Oh, high blood pressure. Did you try a non stimulant? Did you try a non stimulant? You might want to try non stimulant. Okay. Non stimulants like Atomoxetine have been used for decades for adhd. So I would encourage you to talk to your doctor or go to a different doctor and try a non stimulant. But if I. Let me tell you what I would do if I were not able to be medicated. I would outsource my frontal lobe as much as possible. I would pay for support in other ways. I would have a laundry service. I would have a cleaning person. I would have a personal assistant. Okay. Joshua just purchased Focus. That's amazing. I would exercise every day, probably with a personal trainer or go to an exercise class for accountability. And something that I've heard and I am just going to put it out there. I would probably wear a nicotine patch. Don't clip this. Okay. This is private, but I would probably wear a nicotine patch and see if that messes with my blood pressure. Because nicotine patches are not addictive and they are a stimulant. Nicotine patches are like 30 bucks a month. So we're just gonna skirt on by that. It's not something that question. I can ask myself to determine if there's something reasonable accommodation. Is there. Okay. Is there a question that I can ask myself to determine if something is a reasonable accommodation? Yes. Here's the question. Do I need this? Would it be supportive? If the answer is yes, then it is a reasonable accommodation. Hear me again. Do I need this? Would it be supportive? If yes, then it is a reasonable accommodation. That's it. Remember that ADHD is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act. It is a real disability. Okay. You are entitled to accommodations. Okay, I'm going to take one more question and then we're going to be done. Okay, this is my last question. How do you explain ADHD without it it sounding like an excuse, Especially when you're questioned about things that did not get finished. How do you explain ADHD without it sounding like an excuse, especially when questioned about things that did not get finished. I have a couple episodes on my free podcast that I have ADHD podcast that are dedicated to this exact thing. How to talk about your adhd, whether or not to disclose your adhd, what we wish neurotypicals would know about adhd. So I think that like referring you to a longer format would be most helpful. But here are some scripts that you can use. I understand that it's frustrating for you that this didn't get finished. It's frustrating for me too. I'm really sorry about the impact that that has on you. I just want to remind you that I do struggle with follow through and that's related to my adhd. It's not. I'm not making an excuse, but I am explaining why this is really, really difficult for me. And I hope that you'll understand that I do care about you and I do care about this thing that we agree that I would do. But I'm really struggling and I actually think I might need some support here. And then you just be silent again. I'm not responsible for someone else's discomfort around my diagnosis. This falls into like what I'm responsible for and what I'm not responsible for. Okay. I've loved every second of this. If you are watching the replay, you will find the links in the show notes or in the email. Okay. And if you're not on my email list, go to. I have ADHD.com to sign up. I would love to have you join Focused right now. You can get a hundred dollars off when you sign up and that sale ends on Monday. I adore you. I'm so glad you were here. Thank you. Thank you for being here. I'm going to talk to you really soon. Bye. Bye.