A Fond Memory: Maria Bamford Disobeys Bridger

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary: "A Fond Memory: Maria Bamford Disobeys Bridger"

I Said No Gifts!, hosted by Bridger Winegar of Exactly Right Media, celebrates its landmark 200th episode by inviting the acclaimed comedian Maria Bamford for an engaging and humorous conversation. This episode delves deep into Maria's personal experiences, comedic philosophy, community involvement, and quirky anecdotes, all while navigating the playful tension of gifts—true to the podcast's theme of "no gifts."

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Introduction and Welcome

Bridger opens the episode with his signature blend of humor and warmth, expressing his excitement for reaching the 200th episode milestone. He introduces Maria Bamford, highlighting her reputation in the comedy world.

Bridger (02:23): "It's Maria Bamford."

Maria responds with her characteristic self-deprecation and humor about her internet fame.

Maria (02:24): "Hello. I'm not very well known, but that doesn't matter. In the Internet age, you can have a career."

Comedic Influences and Personal Humor

The conversation shifts to Maria's comedic influences and her approach to humor. Bridger probes about her favorite comedians, leading Maria to reflect on the personal nature of humor derived from family and friends.

Maria (03:01): "I always feel like it's family and friends who are the funniest to me just because it's always extremely personal and that makes me laugh until I cry."

Struggles and Success in Show Business

Maria shares her experiences in the comedy scene, including performing unconventional morning shows to manage anxiety and the challenges of maintaining self-worth outside of stand-up.

Maria (05:20): "I think I'm not as warm and loving as I'd hoped. I always like to think of myself as a... [laughs]"

Bridger and Maria discuss the volatility of success in show business, touching on personal anecdotes about friendships affected by sudden fame.

Community Involvement and Affordable Housing

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to Maria's efforts in affordable housing. She recounts her experiment of inviting comedians to live with her and Bridger to create more affordable housing options in Los Angeles.

Maria (36:30): "We invited two comedians to live with us because we have two extra bedrooms. It was a good chunk of time."

Maria emphasizes the positive impact of these efforts, including forming deeper community bonds and hosting fun gatherings like barbecues and pool parties.

Pets and Personal Life

The duo lightens the conversation by discussing their pets. Maria introduces her dogs, Muffin and Max, detailing their quirky personalities and the challenges of pet ownership.

Maria (42:13): "Lovely Chihuahua pug named Muffin... Max is an older pug, about 14."

Bridger shares insights about his own pets, Buster and Nigel, highlighting their distinct characters and interactions.

Personal Habits and Enjoyments

Maria delves into her personal habits, notably her love for ice cream, which serves as a humorous segue into discussions about simple pleasures and coping mechanisms.

Maria (47:03): "I eat ice cream almost every day and I'm sure that's shortening my lifespan. But look, but the smiles, the smiles."

Game Segment: Gift or Curse

In a playful segment, Bridger and Maria engage in the "Gift or Curse" game, analyzing listener-submitted scenarios to determine their nature. This segment showcases their comedic chemistry and ability to riff off each other’s humor.

Bridger (52:35): "Gift or a curse. Christmas cards with a long update letter about what they've been doing all year."

Maria humorously debates the value of such Christmas cards, leading to a light-hearted disagreement with Bridger.

Listener Q&A: Professional Workplace Dynamics

Towards the end of the episode, Bridger addresses a listener’s dilemma about handling professional relationships with an internal candidate he finds annoying. Maria offers thoughtful yet humorous advice, emphasizing self-awareness and empathy.

Maria (65:12): "Think of the miraculous traits of this person. Also wonder if you might have those traits yourself and just try to bridge the gap."

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

As the episode wraps up, Bridger and Maria reflect on the importance of relationships over material possessions—a recurring theme of the podcast. Maria presents a heartfelt gift to Bridger, reinforcing the episode's central motif despite the show's "no gifts" rule.

Maria (29:09): "You are doing great. Love, Maria Bamford."

Bridger acknowledges the gesture with gratitude, and the episode concludes with a humorous mock advertisement segment, maintaining the show's comedic tone until the very end.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Maria on Personal Humor:

  "I always feel like it's family and friends who are the funniest to me just because it's always extremely personal and that makes me laugh until I cry." (03:01)

• Maria on Affordable Housing Experiment:

  "We invited two comedians to live with us because we have two extra bedrooms. It was a good chunk of time." (36:30)

• Maria on Ice Cream:

  "I eat ice cream almost every day and I'm sure that's shortening my lifespan. But look, but the smiles, the smiles." (47:03)

• Maria's Advice on Professional Dynamics:

  "Think of the miraculous traits of this person. Also wonder if you might have those traits yourself and just try to bridge the gap." (65:12)

Key Takeaways

• Personal Connections in Comedy: Maria emphasizes the deep-rooted humor derived from personal relationships, which often surpasses professional accolades.

• Community Engagement: Her proactive approach to affordable housing highlights the importance of community initiatives and creative solutions to societal issues.

• Balancing Professional and Personal Life: The episode sheds light on navigating workplace dynamics with humor and empathy, offering relatable advice for listeners.

• Humor in Everyday Life: Through discussions about pets, personal habits, and the "Gift or Curse" game, Maria and Bridger illustrate how humor intertwines with daily experiences.

Conclusion

"A Fond Memory: Maria Bamford Disobeys Bridger" is a testament to the enduring bond between host and guest, blending humor with heartfelt conversations. Maria Bamford's candid storytelling and comedic insight provide listeners with both laughter and meaningful reflections, epitomizing the essence of I Said No Gifts! and its commitment to authentic, entertaining dialogue.

Transcript

[A]

This is exactly right. The holidays are about spending time with your loved ones and creating magical memories.

[B]

That will last a lifetime.

[A]

So whether it's family and friends you haven't seen in a while or those.

[B]

Who you see all the time, share holiday magic this season with an ice cold Coca Cola. Copyright 2024 the Coca Cola Company this.

[A]

Episode is brought to you by Dutch Bros. Big smiles, rocking tunes and epic drinks. Dutch Bros. Is all about you. Choose from a variety of customizable handcrafted beverages like our Rebel energy drinks, coffees, teas and more. Download the Dutch Bros app for a free medium drink. Plus find your nearest shop, order ahead and start earning rewards offer valid for new app users only. Free medium drink Reward upon registration. 14 day expiration terms apply. See Dutchbros.com.

[B]

When I invited you here.

[A]

I thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you gotta come to me empty handed. I said no guests.

[B]

Your presence is presents enough.

[A]

And I. I already had too much stuff. So how do you dare disobey me?

[B]

Welcome to I said no gifts. I'm Bridger Weiniger. We're in the backyard. It's the 200th episode. Can you imagine 200 episodes of this podcast? Hundreds of hours of whatever's happening here. Thank you for being here. If this is your first episode, pause, go back. There's at least 199 more for you to listen to before you get here.

[A]

Start from the beginning.

[B]

And I mean, I just could not be more excited about today's guest. This is the person you get for a 200th episode.

[A]

I'm right here.

[B]

It's Maria Bamford.

[A]

Hello. I'm not very well known, but that doesn't matter. In the Internet age, you can have a career.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

That is.

[B]

Come on, you're one of the all time greats.

[A]

Well, I think amongst some people.

[B]

I won't even accept that as an answer. Give me a break.

[A]

But that's very kind. Now this is something people ask you when you have certain kind of job. Do you get this? Who's your favorite comedian?

[B]

My favorite comedian?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I don't have a favorite.

[A]

Okay. I hate that.

[B]

I don't pick favorites. I have several people who I know will always make me laugh and you're one of them.

[A]

That's very kind. I always feel like it's family and friends who are the funniest to me just because it's always extremely personal and that makes me laugh until I cry.

[B]

That's such a good point.

[A]

And I can get them on a Sunday night. Right. Anyways.

[B]

No, I think that's true, though. Like people I grew up with, if I see them, like from high school, college, no one makes me laugh like that.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But maybe that's a different type of laughter. I don't know.

[A]

I don't know. But I'm willing to pay for it.

[B]

Out of your friends and family, can you pick a number?

[A]

One, definitely my mom and dad, who are since passed. But I can do impersonations of them. So I creepily do that to myself sometimes. Go into a reverie and think about what I think my mom might say or what I would have wanted her to say, which is really more that I believe is part of the arts. Is trying to have some sort of control over your past and redoing things.

[B]

Just a completely uncontrollable period of your life when you do that. Is it when you're driving, you're alone.

[A]

At home, usually by myself. Because it seems to disturb people in my life when I go, you know, Scott, if I say to my husband, Scott, listen, I am just so proud of you, which is something my mother might say. He's, stop it. Stop it. And then with friends, they don't say, stop it because they are my friends. But there goes a silence. So there's a science.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

You know, it's not warm. It's not a warm response. Which I get it. I mean, I get it. That's why I keep it to myself. And I'm one of the best crowds there is.

[B]

You feel like you're a good crowd.

[A]

Oh, my God. Well, especially for my own shit.

[B]

For your own stuff.

[A]

My own. Oh, my God. My own stuff. I cannot stop laughing at my own stuff.

[B]

I appreciate that. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, why else get into it except to amuse oneself?

[B]

I feel like the last time I saw you was at PDA in Altadena at 8am, right?

[A]

Sometimes. Sometimes there's these limitations that we put ourselves on of like, oh, I can only serve food within the restaurant. You know, clearly that's not true. So I do off hours comedy shows. Point being, I want people who know who've gone out of their way to come see something. They've got skin in the game now. The only problem about 8am shows, babies. A lot of times, babies.

[B]

Oh, they have to come.

[A]

Babies come to shows and that is. That's a drunk. A baby is just a drunk. But yeah, no, it's been really lovely. It's also the. You get it out of the way because I Get nervous for shows. So it's like I get to have a show as soon as I wake up and then be set free.

[B]

Yeah. To have one at seven o'clock probably ruins your day.

[A]

Well, sometimes I. It depends. But sometimes I get very anxious and I. There's no reason to. But my lizard brain gets anxious. So I was trying to trick myself with morning shows. Anyways. There's nothing less important than comedy. Let's just. Can we just start?

[B]

I feel like that's probably true. I feel like there's truly nothing in the world that we could do more without than comedy.

[A]

Yeah. How are you doing?

[B]

That's a great question. Yeah, that's an incredible question.

[A]

You've got beautiful colors on.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

You're wearing a purple and a teal, which is very pleasant to see.

[B]

You always have good colors on.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I feel like you're always vibrant and you've got this, like a plum.

[A]

I've got a plum and a lot. I'm doing a lot of rainbows and a lot of unique eyeglasses.

[B]

How many glasses do you have?

[A]

I believe seven pair. But I'm always losing pairs due to a lack of a. Being in the moment can't be in the moment.

[B]

Do you keep a pair in your car? I keep a pair in my car.

[A]

Now, that's so smart. I will do that. Yes.

[B]

Although I guess you don't wear contacts.

[A]

I don't wear contacts. Yeah. I only needed glasses when I turned 50.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It took that long.

[A]

Yeah. I'm 53 and I'm too old not to be success in show business. Am I right, Dame Judi Dench. I'm not old enough to start hitting it out of the park.

[B]

No. I keep a pair because I have the fear of my contacts drying out. And then what do I do if I don't have a way to drive home? So I'll have the glasses in the car.

[A]

So your eyesight is pretty.

[B]

Not great.

[A]

Not great.

[B]

It hasn't been Great since maybe eighth grade.

[A]

What's your numbers?

[B]

Negative 475.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Which I guess is bad.

[A]

That's pretty bad. I mean, from what. I know nothing about it. And yet I want to judge. My friends own the eyeglass shop. Society, the spectacle.

[B]

Oh, I love that place.

[A]

46Th in New York. Check it out. If you are ever in Highland Park, California, owned by two sisters. They've been in the eyeglass industry for over 40 years. And they are the best in that they will let you try glasses on for hours with no suggestion that you have to buy them. It is fun because that's what you want to do. You want to go into a shop and try on all the shit and then leave.

[B]

And they have such a variety there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I've had that exact experience. I haven't purchased anything there yet, but I've gone in.

[A]

Don't do it. Don't do it.

[B]

I refuse to give them my business, of course.

[A]

They're just lovely salespeople. They're like, hey, no. Oh, my God. You don't have to. But, yeah, I am a very good customer because I keep losing them now.

[B]

How are you doing?

[A]

I'm great. Getting solar installed. I was selling Annalise, and so they just started today. She said, how long are they gonna be there? I realized, I don't know, but the one guy's name is Hans, and then another times person's name is, I believe, Jakob. And it seems to be going very well. I offered them sparkling water. There was no interest. A lot of people don't like Lacroix.

[B]

It's shocking, right? I, for the longest time, just thought, that's just a drink anyone will have. No, A lot of people have no interest in having an essenced water.

[A]

No, it just.

[B]

People get.

[A]

Oh, yeah. But so that's happened. I went to the coffee shop. I know my baristas.

[B]

What coffee shop?

[A]

Cafe de leche.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Porque yo puede hablar en espanol Porque yo soy la problema yo soy la maldita Cara de se voya de Gen 3. I need to leave my neighborhood, but I will not. Anyways, they're lovely. I love that it's owned by a Nicaraguan owner. And they always have great staff currently who's employed there. There's high turnover. So there's Kimmy, there's Paulina, there's Anthony, there's Ethan. I'm gonna say that's it.

[B]

That's incredible that you remember that many of the names.

[A]

Oh, my God. You gotta get to know everybody.

[B]

I mean, I do that at my coffee shop, but I think I've gotten. I know one of their names. I know the owner's name and one employee's name.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But I've known all of them for so long at this point.

[A]

Which coffee shop is it?

[B]

Found Coffee. Have you ever been?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Eagle Rock Boulevard or Colorado.

[B]

Yeah, Colorado. The best staff in the world, right? The coffee's so good, and it makes.

[A]

I mean, I feel like I am doubling down into, you know, standup isn't where I get my self worth. Where I'm getting my self worth is my abilities as a universal Walmart greeter to just introduce myself, say, hi, my name is Maria. What's your name? In as awkward way as possible.

[B]

Everywhere I go, she's kind of a roving greeter. That's a good attitude to have.

[A]

Yeah. You know, some people aren't into it and they go, oh, are you Christian? Are you trying to sell me something? No, but yeah, it helps keep things sort of interesting.

[B]

And you're pretty good at remembering names. I panic because when I'm, oh, no.

[A]

I'm terrible at it.

[B]

But you just demonstrated knowing like five names from the classic, you gotta put.

[A]

In a shit ton of effort. You gotta remember, oh, her name's Emmy. She works at the taco place. But so you picture a golden Emmy inside of a taco shell. Like, I'm doing the real work on this. I'm not a genius.

[B]

That's kind of. Do they call that like the memory palace or whatever? Like that. People are really good at memorizing things that create a thing in their head. I guess I could do like the minimal level of that.

[A]

Sure. I mean, if you're interested. There's no question I am.

[B]

It's so humiliating not to know people's names. What are we talking about? Can we get back to. I'd like to talk about the solar for a little bit longer.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

How did the solar get introduced to your life? Because it's been introduced to me several times by door to door salesman.

[A]

My friend Gary is a door to door salesman.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

So I feel their pain. Oh, my God.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

He says, you go in, if you get let inside, sometimes you're there for two hours and the whole family is introduced and some food is served and you still don't get a sale.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So, yeah. I talked to my friend Gary. He no longer sells solar panels. He now sells motorcycles. And only those motorcycles that are in a tripod, like three.

[B]

It's like a big three wheeler.

[A]

Three wheeler.

[B]

What is that called? A three wheeler?

[A]

I cannot remember. But it's a terrible investment in the long term. Anyways, Gary told me how great it is. Turns out, at least in California, the laws aren't as wonderful, like, it's not as great a deal as it once was, but who cares? You're trying to do something good for the environment. Although I know the panel production is problematic. I'm getting into the weeds. But what I did, I didn't go through any of the door to door salesmen.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Because from what I understand and because I now use contractors more is it's kind of a fly by night. Like companies come up and then they say, oh, it's a lifetime guarantee. But then they're only around for a.

[B]

Year, which they're going out of business.

[A]

I love it. That's a great business plan. That is like so sharp. No, I just got three people who had. We have actual businesses in buildings and got one in our neighborhood and went in the building. I didn't, haven't gone in the building, but I got to meet the people. You know, they have. There's people who work in a building and I felt like that was a good sign.

[B]

That is. Yeah. There's an address that you can go back to should something bad happen.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's not like a wagon.

[A]

And also it's okay if it doesn't work out. Who gives a shit? Like really. Has material goods ever made anybody happy? No. A house in California is like a tulip in 14th century Amsterdam. It is not worth that much money. It's a two bedroom ranch filled with vermin.

[B]

Vermin.

[A]

I mean, are you rat free?

[B]

Oh my God, I hope so. There is nothing in the world that scares me more than a rat.

[A]

Oh my God. You gotta have somebody check out your house.

[B]

If there's a rat in here, I will. I will drive off a cliff.

[A]

I'm gonna bet you 50, 50 there's a rat in your house.

[B]

Oh my God, Maria, what did you do?

[A]

Oh. We lived in our house for a long time. It is so expensive and ongoing to get rats removed that we had about five years where we just lived with the rats and we heard them scramble and scrap. They eat insulation. So when you get all your rats removed, you have to have all your roofing, everything taken out and everything sealed off. And it costs about 10 grand. Yeah. Or this is the other option. You can have a guy or a lady come on a monthly basis and just see how many ones have died. Just check it out with traps, which I don't want to have to deal with a guy every month. Cause sometimes I do love anybody who has a job. I appreciate that they're doing a job, but sometimes, yeah, I don't want to do a lot of face to face with. I don't like being an employer. It can be exhausting.

[B]

That's a lot of scheduling.

[A]

Yeah, it's scheduling like, oh, I can't come this Thursday. The rats are working weekends. What do you. What. Anyways, so we did it all at once. Also if you don't. Can't tell from my voice. And you probably shouldn't be able to tell because that would be racist. I am a white older female who was given a full ride scholarship by my father, who was a doctor. I have been given all the benefits. That's why I had $10,000 to get rid of rats.

[B]

And did they guarantee that the rats aren't coming back?

[A]

Yes, Lifetime guarantee. And this business has been around for 30 years again. Could, could close in a heartbeat. I'm not. It's okay if it doesn't work out. Do you own your home? Due rent?

[B]

I own it. And what I feel, I feel very fortunate. Are you?

[A]

How did it happen?

[B]

I saved money for a really long time.

[A]

That's.

[B]

And then got very lucky.

[A]

Insane.

[B]

And I. A lot of circumstances have come together for me to. I mean, I don't own the house. The bank owns the house and they'll probably eventually take it from me. But as of right now, I own the house and pay a monthly mortgage. But you know, I started working when I was about 15 and never spent money on anything ever. And then became a television writer by a lot of luck.

[A]

I am loving this story, Bridget.

[B]

And then in 2020, right before it became impossible to buy a house, did.

[A]

You buy it before the bubble?

[B]

Before me too. Oh my God, can you imagine?

[A]

I bought it. I should not have been able to buy a house. They gave me double mortgages so that. Because my credit was not good.

[B]

Sure, sure.

[A]

So they gave me one mortgage on top of another one. So it was like a credit card situation. I could not afford that mortgage. But it was like $3,800 a month point at that point. And I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna make this. And it weirdly like a drug dealer. It does sometimes work out in show business that you get. You win the lottery. And so it was all right, but. Oh, I love it. Good. Good job.

[B]

Yeah. I feel. I mean, I was basically dragged into. My boyfriend was like, you should do this. And then three weeks after we bought it, people beyond far more successful than I am couldn't buy a house. I was like, oh my God. I guess I got lucky once it works out.

[A]

Yeah. And I mean, as everything in life, it holds a liminal space. Like, is it good or is it bad? You never know. Things turn on a dime. Oh yeah, that's my job as a 53 year old lady. This lady came up to me when I was just leaving Minneapolis as a young lady. And she came up and said, life turns on a dime. And I think that's what I'm supposed to do, just go up to younger people from the shadows, say shit like that.

[B]

Can I ask you. You got a full ride scholarship to college. You must have been a great student.

[A]

From my dad.

[B]

From your dad?

[A]

Cause I was the pretty daughter, prettiest, smartest girl in the whole world. No, no, I did get a scholarship, but it was more like a thousand dollar leadership. You were a leader.

[B]

That's not nothing.

[A]

You mean you talked a lot? That gal just won't shut up.

[B]

I assume you were a good student though.

[A]

Sort of bulimic in my studies, like, you know, went real hard sometimes and sometimes just completely. Yeah, Vomited all over the place, didn't do very well. So yeah, I got into Bates College in Maine, which is a middle of the road, very expensive liberal arts college. I do not recommend it.

[B]

It's a bad college.

[A]

It's a drinking school. Did not know that as I was going in. Maybe that's what all schools are. What school do you go to?

[B]

I went to the University of Utah, which.

[A]

That's not a drinking school.

[B]

Not a. I mean, yeah, in Utah it's hard to get to a drinking school, I suppose, but yeah, I guess the University of Utah is just kind of a school.

[A]

Were you raised in the Mormon?

[B]

I was, yeah.

[A]

Are you a. Not anymore.

[B]

I'm not anymore. My parents still are, but.

[A]

But are they still talking to you?

[B]

Oh, yeah. They're so lovely.

[A]

Thank Christ. I mean, thank Christ for that at the very least.

[B]

Truly. Truly. No, they're truly terrific. Because it could have gone, you know, the Mormon Church is very bad with gay issues in general. So the fact that my parents were so great about it is terrific.

[A]

Nice. Good.

[B]

I went to the Mormon College for 30 minutes and then went back to the University of Utah. There's a Mormon college called Brigham Young University, of course.

[A]

Oh, I know Brigham Young. Yeah.

[B]

And I. I enrolled there for a short period thinking of their film program because it's very good technically, but artistically I'm not so sure. So once I got in, I started realizing, oh, what's happening here? I fled. Right. So my. You know, it took me like I think 6, 7, 400 years to get my bachelor's degree. It was a very long stretch.

[A]

I had. Yeah. Same experience. I switched schools a bunch. I went to Bates, then I went a year abroad to Scotland. And then I was like, I don't know what. Then I went to the University of Minnesota, transferred back because I Actually ended up going through an eating disorders treatment program because, yeah, academically, I was not good. And then also had a problem with food. What a white woman. How did it. Oh, I'm sorry. I lost interest in my own narrative.

[B]

Well, I'm glad that we both had a really long college experience.

[A]

Yes, it was. I mean, I'm grateful for it because it was like a good confinement system. I mean, it's like the army or something where it's like somewhere you can go, except the army. You will. You could be killed. Let's just remember that. But I am so grateful for it because I did not. I was terrified of adulthood or the outside world. And it really gave me. Kept me off the pipe and the pole.

[B]

Yeah, it's kind of a. It is kind of like a large daycare that it is. Allows you to kind of slowly approach having responsibility.

[A]

It is. So it really should not be that expensive. Like, I just. Anyways, there's so many things I'd like to change in the world. How do we do it?

[B]

I've released all control. I've just.

[A]

I'm join my. I go to my neighborhood council.

[B]

Oh, you do?

[A]

That's the limit of my.

[B]

That's more than I can do anything. That's more than almost any other person.

[A]

Oh, I don't know. There's a lot of people. And it does have some effect. When I lived in Highland park, There was a 711 that wanted to open up on my block. And I was like, there's fucking two 7 11s within, like 1,000ft here. What the hell? And so I and some friends went, no, 7 11. It is effective.

[B]

That's amazing.

[A]

Democracy does work sometimes.

[B]

What were they? There are two 7 11s so nearby. What would a third have even. What's the service it would have provided?

[A]

I don't know. I think it's like a Starbucks or something where it's like, just one more. Yeah, I think it just creates the addiction of something within walking distance because there's tons of liquor stores in the Highland parks. Maybe they're trying to steal from the liquor store trade or. Anyways, we don't need more of that. But I love a liquor. Liquor stores. At least there's some. You feel like it's neighborhood. Like, you go, oh, there's psycho and there's the van that has a prostitution ring going out of it. It's a van and it's open for business.

[B]

That's two businesses. Two small businesses. Oh, wow. Well, there's something else we need to get to Okay. I was really excited to have you here today. 200th episode, Maria Bamford.

[A]

I mean, I brought you a gift, and I don't mean to put pressure.

[B]

On you, but you're just diving.

[A]

Did you bring me a gift or can I take a planting? You've got some.

[B]

You should take a planting. Take a clip.

[A]

I'll take a clipping of that pink plant. I don't. I mean, why do I have to get something out of everything? But I feel like I do like to get stuff.

[B]

We've had guests take a clipping before.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Just take a clipping.

[A]

Okay. Thank you.

[B]

Grow it at home. What does that propagate?

[A]

I. I certainly will propagate.

[B]

Put it in a glass of water for a while. Eventually the roots come out and you're planting it in the garden.

[A]

I'll give some to my friend. I'm gonna go lunch with my friend Courtney. And I'll give her some, too.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

We're spreading.

[B]

Can't take that much.

[A]

We're spreading love like an agrarian. Yes.

[B]

Okay, so you're just claiming. I mean, you brought a gift.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Should I open it here on the podcast?

[A]

Yes, of course. We have one more act for you this evening.

[B]

I don't even need to say his name.

[A]

Mr. Bob Dy, a complete unknown, is now a Golden Globe in critics choice nominee for best picture.

[B]

Bobby, what do you want to be?

[A]

Whatever it is they don't want me to be. Timothee Chalamet astonishes as Bob Dylan in one of the best performances of the year. And critics rave. Edward Norton is absolutely fantastic.

[B]

70,000 people are here and Bobby is the reason for it.

[A]

They just want me singing, blowing in.

[B]

The wind for the rest of my life.

[A]

How does it feel? Don't miss the movie. Critics are hailing five stars. It's pure cinematic magic. Turn it down. Pay loud. And named to AFI and the national board of reviews top 10 films of the year.

[B]

Make some noise. BD track some mud on the carpet.

[A]

A complete unknown. Now playing only in theaters. Rated R. Under 1790 middle without parrot.

[B]

This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most.

[A]

Of your vacation, book with United.

[B]

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[A]

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[A]

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[A]

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[A]

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[A]

See for [e-mail] no, it is very, very much sincere.

[B]

Okay. I love that.

[A]

And authentic comes from the heart and it is something I truly believe the message of. So just that said, okay.

[B]

And just to clear the air even more, I'm hanging by a thread at all times emotionally. I mean, I might just. I mean maybe I'm just going to end up bawling, who knows since.

[A]

Well, I mean, I don't know if I went that deep, but I will.

[B]

See, I'm telling you, I'm.

[A]

Read, read the beginning.

[B]

Okay, I've opened it. No, no, first it says Bridger on.

[A]

The front, which, yeah, you gotta say that part.

[B]

Some excitement headed in. So. Yeah, it's a little piece of lined.

[A]

Paper, folded up notebook paper that I wrote out in my car right outside your house.

[B]

Okay, so we're opening. We're opening. Oh, this is very nice. It says you are doing great. Love, Maria Bamford with your. Is this your signature?

[A]

That's my signature. And then it's a heart.

[B]

Giant heart.

[A]

Giant heart drawn around it. And I wasn't sure, is that too cold? Because I used my full name. I should have just said Maria Clinical.

[B]

But tell me why you the purpose of this gift?

[A]

There is so much pressure in our society as far as professional standards and work like everyone's. Oh God. What are you hustling on? Are you grinding? Are you marketing? Where's your merch? When clearly there's so much evidence that shows that what brings people joy is relationships and nature dogs happy. You know, it has nothing to do with your job, but anyways, I just. I know you're doing a great job, and so I just wanted to send that message out of, like, relax.

[B]

I really appreciate that. It's a strange time, especially in Los Angeles, because everything. The entire entertainment industry seems to be collapsing. So it is kind of a fraught, scary time in life when you can frequently feel like, oh, I'm doing something wrong.

[A]

Oh, there's always. I mean, at least every person I ever talked to who does well, unless, of course, they're the CEO of something they're like, I really enjoy. What do I do? Would you like to share my hot nuts? That's what you get in first class. You get hot nuts. I've only ridden it a couple times, but it's a hot nut.

[B]

Is it a mix or peanuts? Mix a mix. Okay.

[A]

Hot nuts. They put a tablecloth down. Anyways, everybody is scared, and I want to. Let's have some empathy for the oligarchs. Have you ever heard sometimes extremely wealthy people, I've heard them worry a lot about money, which is so confusing. Yeah. So I don't think it goes away once you have a shit ton of money. I don't think that's the answer. I've heard a person say to me to my face. We wanted to give to public radio this year, but we've got the girls in private school, and then we've got the kitchen being redone on the home in Italy. Oh, I can't listen to any more of this romance novel until there's been a murder, because I don't care about any of these characters. But I had some dear friends, as you do sometimes in Los Angeles. All of a sudden you'll have some friends who shoot off like rock ships into stardom. So these friends were living in a black obelisk above the sea, and I thought everything was going great, as you do from Instagram reels. And these showed up on my front door and said, we've lost everything. The sheriff has locked us out of our house and all of our accounts. Can we stay with you?

[B]

What?

[A]

For? You know, the time being. And I said, of course. Come on in. Help yourself to some old vegan pizza that is covered in beans and corn and is damp with arugula. I didn't want it when I ordered it. No, I think shit can happen at any level where it's like, you just fuck up and you Know, so I just don't think having more is a thing that. That's gonna bring people peace. I mean, it certainly hasn't been the case. Like, I used to live in a hippie cooperative. Great times. Had great times then. Sure, I have great times now, but I had great times then. I bawled. I made $10 a day busking for change while playing a musical instrument poorly.

[B]

Which instrument?

[A]

On the streets of Minneapolis, the violin. I was very shy, so I tried to play in parking structures. Not a lot of walk through business. At one point I was a year late in my rent and the hippies had to sit me down and go.

[B]

Listen, man, seriously good at talking to you. You guys do not have any idea.

[A]

What I am doing. I'm an artist. But I was. I was happy then, I'm happy now. Like, I just. I think healthcare and shelter and food of course add to your level of happiness, but beyond a certain point, it doesn't seem to affect. I've dated a ton of dudes who are very wealthy. Huge anxiety and assholes about money. Like not generous, weird about their cars. My husband, one of the main things I loved about him was that he showed up in his car, which was a Subaru. No. What was it? Saturn. Saturn crushed a bit on. On the side. I said, do you own it outright? He said, yes, I do. He also knew what was going on with his finances. Like, he's like, I am. I think it was almost $60,000 in debt. That's what I have. And sometimes I can't always eat a lot. And so I get kind of irritable because he just didn't have a lot of money. And I'm like that. And he had a good life. Like, Andy knew what was happening. Like some people with money, they're all like, my ex wife or. Yeah. Just having. I don't know. I'm just going off now, but I.

[B]

Want something worth going off on.

[A]

I just. I doubt that it brings people's happiness in the long run.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's largely true. Like, there's a base level of security that's nice to have. Like with knowing you can see a doctor, that kind of thing. And it's a shame that not everybody can do that. But beyond that, you start. It's a never ending void. Obviously.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I also could be wrong.

[B]

I don't think you're wrong. I know a lot of people that are supremely rich and they're still completely dissatisfied with everything.

[A]

Right. Or mean or like what doesn't really help. Yeah. My husband and I, we give 11% of our income to charity, which is 1% better than the Muslims, Christians or Jews?

[B]

Mormons. Mormons are 10%.

[A]

Really. Oh, we're killing it with the Mormos. We're gonna make it to every fucking heaven that there is.

[B]

You're gonna bust right through the door.

[A]

Bust through the door. Oh, where are all the sweets?

[B]

What charities are you Just.

[A]

Mostly the downtown Women's center, which is for housing in Los Angeles. There's the skid row neighborhood. About 50,000 people who live on the street, downtown LA. Obviously, half of those are women. Downtown Women's center has created a lot of affordable housing. Clearly not enough, because there are so many people. Yep. Do you live with roommates, Annalisa? Yes.

[B]

I'm very fortunate that I get to live alone.

[A]

Delightful. Yeah, it's pretty nice. We had an experiment with creating affordable housing. We invited two comedians to live with us because we have two extra bedrooms. I was. Yes, in my backyard. But then my backyard smelled a lot like pot. And one of the comics kept having hookups, which I totally get. You're in your 30s, right? You gotta get things oiled and lubed. But, like, at least once a week, there'd be a guy walking around our succulents going, carmen, Carmen. At, like, midnight.

[B]

I think if you have roommates, the hookup, you've gotta. You've gotta have that in control. That's a basic level of respect for the other people living in the house.

[A]

Well. And they were lovely people. They're just in their 30s. They're different place in life. You know, we're grumpy in our 50s. Like when we go to bed at 8, you know, and, yeah, it was. I think we're thinking of getting people who are more our age instead.

[B]

That's not a bad idea.

[A]

See?

[B]

Did you know either of the comedians very well before they moved in?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, well, there's a problem. That's part of the problem.

[A]

They're very funny.

[B]

How long did they live with you?

[A]

About a year.

[B]

Okay. That's a good chunk of time.

[A]

Yeah, it was a good chunk of time. And then we said, this has been an experiment. We told them in the beginning, we're just going to see how it went.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We pay them back all their rent money.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So we. We essentially acted as a savings account so then they could have all their. Because I wanted to see what it was like. And I also. I didn't know if I would be a good person for people to live with, so. And they're also co workers. So I don't want it to be a shitty situation in any way. So we gave all their money back. And also they could have said, we're not leaving. That is a law in Los Angeles. As you can say, yeah, no, no, no, this is our house, I'm not gonna go. So they were very kind to let us change our minds.

[B]

Well, that's. Were there any upsides to it? Did you enjoy spending time in the house?

[A]

Yes. Well, it felt useful. It felt like, oh my gosh, we're creating a more affordable housing in Los Angeles because there is. It just sucks here. I have so many friends who've had to leave because it's unbelievably expensive. Even if you have just a regular full time job. Job is, you know, 70 grand a year. You cannot afford a one bedroom or. Yeah, at least that's what I've heard. Yeah, so that felt good. Also, we had a lot of comedian parties. That was also fun. I got to meet a lot of comedians. I got to feel like I knew more catchphrases or the new words that the kids are using. Relevance. Is that something. It was a neat experience. And I learned, I think, the humility that I'm not as warm and loving as I'd hoped. I always like to think of myself as a. I don't know why I'm gonna say this person's name. Mama Cass.

[B]

Oh, Mama Cass is a really warm.

[A]

She sounds nice. But yeah, I give shoulder based hugs. That's the level of my maternal. Yeah, so. But there was lots of positives, lots of barbecues, pool parties.

[B]

I think it's hard to be warm and welcoming all day every day. Yeah, that takes an enormous amount of energy. Sometimes when you're home, you're just. You can't. You're just for yourself. So it's hard when there's someone who's not a partner.

[A]

Yes, yes.

[B]

Like I can't give you everything I have all the time.

[A]

Yes, it's true.

[B]

So I don't think that that's your fault.

[A]

And it was fun. Yeah, they were. Oh, this is the other thing. Super enthusiastic and passionate about comedy. Which is. That's just so great, you know? Cause sometimes people get, when they get to my age, they're like, I mean, I'm trying to get booked in Chicago. These motherfuckers won't. You know, it's like. And these people are just like, I just did an open mic. You know, it's really energizing. So was I a vampire? Was I like a vampire sucking off the blood of the eye?

[B]

Because you were taking advantage of these people.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Is there anything you do enjoy spending money on, like.

[A]

Yes, Coffee.

[B]

Coffee, Okay.

[A]

I also love big tips.

[B]

Oh, sure.

[A]

I tip people because people are not being paid enough to live in Los Angeles. I want to make sure everybody's making at least 40 bucks an hour. I know that's not even a living wage in la, from what I've read, but I'm trying my best.

[B]

So when you're spending a lot on coffee, you're also giving a big tip for the coffee?

[A]

Yes, yes. So it's like I'm also. I'm talking to them. That's emotional work they're doing. They didn't ask. They didn't sign up for that.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's a big part of a tip.

[A]

I also pay the crowd if I talk to people.

[B]

I've seen this happen.

[A]

Venmo. I Venmo people 100 bucks if they talk to me out of the crowd. Cause that is. It's unique. It's emotional burden that I'm giving them that they have to talk to me.

[B]

I think that's really fair. And $100, it's not a bad deal.

[A]

And I'm an old lady. I don't have any descendants, and I am wealthy, so no worries.

[B]

How are the dogs doing?

[A]

Thank you. Lovely Chihuahua pug named Muffin, who is very popular. And it's like one of those things where you're just like, I don't know where my. My daughter gets this. I know she's not my daughter. And then Max is an older pug, about 14. You can't see her here. Both of them are from the pug Nation place, which has. If you're in the LA area and looking for a pug, they got a warehouse full of pugs. All pug rescues looking for a home. And what they have a lot of are pug mermaids. That's pugs who have lost the use of their back legs.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

So they have little wheelies in the back. So precious. Pugs are so sweet. And the great thing about a pug mermaid is that because they can't fill their backs, you express them when it's convenient to you.

[B]

Oh, wow. It's like a frosting bag. Wow.

[A]

This is what was told to me by the. Anyways, they were trying to sell me on a mermaid, and that was, like.

[B]

One of the perks.

[A]

Yes, yes. Is that it's very easy. And now then you don't have to wait. Cause sometimes you have to wait. Max does a pretty long walk before he decides where to poop. But now with a mermaid, you just squeeze it out on your schedule.

[B]

How old is Muffin?

[A]

Muffin's about four.

[B]

Oh, so just a baby.

[A]

She's just a baby. Yeah. We've had a lot of old pugs, so we all got from the pug nation. And so my husband said, can we get a young one now? And so we, we did. And. But I felt bad about that because there's so many older lovely doggies. But yeah, I've never had a young dog. And so she likes to fetch and she's interested, you know, and that's active. And she's active.

[B]

How old was she when you got her?

[A]

Two, I think. Yeah. So it's good. I do. Do you think about having children, either of you?

[B]

I certainly don't on Lise. Do you?

[A]

I'm still up in the air about.

[B]

It, but I've got two cats and.

[A]

They feel like a handful enough for right now. What are your cats names?

[B]

Buster, who's 10, and Nigel, who's 8 months. New to the family.

[A]

New to the family.

[B]

Stop it.

[A]

What are their personalities like? Buster I describe as a 55 year.

[B]

Old man, but living in 1955, who is a science professor and wears round spectacles with a bow tie and a pocket protector and still lives with his mother.

[A]

He is also bisexual.

[B]

And Nigel is a little surfer bro. Black cat. Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, he's very detailed, very British names.

[A]

Like I brush the curl.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

I love a fully realized. What is that called when you do anthropomorphized?

[B]

Oh, sure. Right, right. Are they getting along? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Buster's much older so he doesn't want to play as much. Okay, right.

[A]

And right now everything is prey with Nigel.

[B]

So he just want. Every time Buster moves his tail, it's like attack time. That's a tough situation. Yeah, but they, you know, they're mostly in tolerance mode and that's all I can really ask for at this point, so. Okay. Yeah, that's not bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they play together sometimes.

[A]

You sound like a wonderful mother. Well, I appreciate that. Thank you for saying that. Have you watched watched Jackson Galaxy's My cat from hell?

[B]

I have not watched that, but I've watched many, many of his videos. Yeah, I forget. He has just like YouTube videos.

[A]

Yeah, he's wonderful. I've watched all 40 episodes that I could find and he only couldn't help one cat because that Cat had a brain injury.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And he just said, and he got teary eyed and he's like, all you can do is meds.

[B]

What was the cat doing?

[A]

Being mean and stuff like that. But if you have a cat who has problems, all you gotta do is play with them 45 minutes a day with some stuff, put them on levels, give them a little outside zone that they can cruise around in and make eye contact with them with blinking.

[B]

Oh, I forget that cats can kind of communicate via blink. Yeah, it's amazing.

[A]

Unless they have a traumatic brain injury, then.

[B]

Have you ever owned a cat?

[A]

I am a little allergic to some, but I love kitties. I do, I do, I do. I love a kitty. I will pick them up. I especially love an overweight cat.

[B]

Oh, I know. Isn't that tempting when people are like, I'm trying to get the cat to lose weight.

[A]

Don't.

[B]

I mean, it's horrible because it's bad for the cat, but it's so cute.

[A]

Is it?

[B]

It's getting all of the attention in the world and it's just getting to eat all day. I mean, they have a limited time on earth regardless.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I eat ice cream almost every day and I'm sure that's shortening my lifespan. But look, but the smiles, the smiles.

[B]

What time of day are you eating ice cream?

[A]

Morning. Soon as I wake up.

[B]

Is that true? Yes.

[A]

Heat up the hot fudge in the microwave. Put a scoop of peanut butter down the middle.

[B]

That sounds incredible.

[A]

It's so good. It's actually, it's a great reason to get up.

[B]

What flavor of ice cream?

[A]

Oh, my gosh. I like things with chunks in it. But of course, I can make my own chunks by, you know, sometimes you can put a spray of Swiss Miss cocoa up top.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

Yeah. Like it's cinnamon.

[B]

You put like a powder on top.

[A]

A powder on top. Like, I'm a boba master. But I love, you know, like a rich, creamy. I love a Ben and Jerry. Yeah. Anything with a lot of nuggets.

[B]

I like those very basic chocolate peanut butter flavors. I don't need to go any further than that.

[A]

Okay. You don't like a ridge?

[B]

No, I love a ridge. I just like as far as flavors go. I like the classic combinations that are just immediately satisfying. I don't have to think about it.

[A]

I understand. I'm not as open to rosemary or when they say, oh, it's daisy leaves plus dandelion, it's like, oh, that's. It's just no. Or it tastes like vanilla, but I know. Anyways, that's a business model that I know has been successful now.

[B]

It's been very successful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ice cream flavors that are more of a dare or an experience than a treat.

[A]

A meatloaf flavored with gushers.

[B]

Well, I have this lovely gift. I'll have to frame this. It's a beautiful little note.

[A]

Yeah. No pressure. And please, I feel zero pressure. Okay, good.

[B]

Absolutely no pressure. But thank you for this. I think we should play a game.

[A]

Okay, great.

[B]

We're gonna play a game called gift or curse.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I need a number between 1 and 10 from you.

[A]

4.

[B]

Okay. I have to do to get our game pieces some light calculating right now so you can recommend something you can promote something you can do whatever you want. I'll be right back.

[A]

Okay. Well, why don't you check out my friend Jackie Cation's comedy special, which is. It's 10 minutes long. It's through the back. It's called Looking Back, and it's a comedy special done through the back of a car camera. So she's doing jokes all about cars while someone has the brake on a 92 Prius held so it doesn't become a snuff film. Check that out. What else can you check out? Hey, why don't you vote or participate in your own neighborhood council? Google it in your zip code. There's something going on. Have a voice. Why don't you speak up? Oh, my God. Do you want to be on a gang prevention committee? I bet there's a. I bet there's another gang prevention committee that started up and you have to decide which one is gonna win the. All right, okay.

[B]

Turf wars between community.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. That totally happened in Highland park. And it made me laugh so hard.

[B]

Those are great recommendations.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Everybody should be participating in some way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Find something you have a problem with and try to.

[A]

And not. Well, don't put a lot of half asset. Show up with your earbuds in. You know, just be there. Wear a net hat. Wear it down over your face like people are putting too. Oh, if I went, I'd have to participate and be good at. No, be super shit at everything.

[B]

At least you're doing it.

[A]

Just do it.

[B]

Do you know something I haven't done in a long time that I recommend people do service wise is there's a place in downtown LA where you chop. They bring in vegetables that were left over from restaurants or whatever, and you get to just chop up vegetables for hours. And then they, you know, Put them in meal kits and it's so satisfying.

[A]

Lovely.

[B]

Really contributing to something for sure.

[A]

That sounds wonderful.

[B]

And you just get to sit there and kind of meditate while you're chopping up romaine or what have you.

[A]

Do you chit chat with people?

[B]

If you bring a friend or I guess you could chit chat with other people, maybe that's not exactly what I would. If I were there alone. Maybe I would be forced into that.

[A]

Yeah, I do some food packing with. There's one in Pasadena that I do. But it's like heavy lifting stuff that there's no chit chat. So I felt kind of sad about. So then I started working at the LA Food bank. And that's more chit chat. But the music is so loud.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Anyways, I love chit chat is what I'm trying to say.

[B]

Okay, this is how we play. Gift or a curse. I'm going to name three things. You're going to tell me if they are a gift or a curse and why.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because there are correct answers.

[A]

Oh. Oh, wow.

[B]

Okay. This first one is a listener suggestion from someone named Emily.

[A]

Emily.

[B]

Gift or a curse. Christmas cards with a long update letter about what they've been doing all year.

[A]

Love it. Gift.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I want to know who has cancer. I want to know who's really achieving something to gain the attention of their mother. I want to know who's had a baby, who's dead. Come on. And that always comes with a cool picture of everybody in a matching outfit in a jeans jacket.

[B]

Maria, Wrong. Curse. And for basically what you're just telling me. I love reading these things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel like they've fallen out of fashion. I feel like people don't do them anymore. I never get. I would love getting these things. I mean, for such a variety of reasons.

[A]

Can I send you one? Scott and I. Yeah. And we send out the real info. We're not. We're not sugarcoating it, but you're writing.

[B]

A letter and sending it out.

[A]

Yes. Oh, no, no, no, no. Printed on one of those cards. You know, you get it through the Internet where you go put it on. Yeah. They send you the card, you print. It's all printed on the card.

[B]

Yeah, we. I mean, I remember as a kid, my family, like people all over the neighborhood were sending us these things just, you know, essentially to brag about what their children were doing and what have you. Delightful to read. I mean, for so many reasons.

[A]

So Fun. Cause you know what the real, real shit is.

[B]

Yeah. You know exactly what's going on.

[A]

Like, and so. And so tried to commit suicide, but they're not gonna mention it.

[B]

I want to see that in a Christmas update.

[A]

And I say that having tried to commit suicide. So just so you know, if you need help, text 988. But also know that sometimes there's a wait time of 45 to 60 minutes. So call fucking anyone. I called Hertz Rent a Car, South Pasadena. They picked up on the first ring. All right.

[B]

It's important to reach out to just literally anyone in that moment.

[A]

Anyone.

[B]

Okay. So. So zero so far. No points. Number two, this is from a listener named Sarah. Gift her a curse. Backing into a parking spot.

[A]

I'm interested. I mean, is there. There's that reason. The reason you're doing it is to feel like you're ahead of the game at the end of the night. Like, you don't have to back out. You just go jam on in. That's what I'm thinking. Or a sense of. Of accomplishment. Like, I did something kind of neat because it isn't your regular parking job. Can I. Can I rest without voting?

[B]

No. Absolutely not.

[A]

I think it's good.

[B]

You're right. You're correct. I think that they. I think backing into a parking spot has kind of gotten a bad name.

[A]

Is this arbitrary whim?

[B]

Absolutely not. It's objective, universal truths that some of them you're just not familiar with. And that's fine. You're growing.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

You just got one correct.

[A]

Okay, thank you. Thank you very much.

[B]

I mean, I've probably backed into a couple of parking spots just because I had no choice at some point. And you know, I'm not good at backing up the car.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Makes me nervous. But once you've done it, the sense of accomplishment is unbelievable.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then when you come out, you get to just pull away. And there's no. I mean, I guess at some point you're gonna be backing the car up.

[A]

I've seen it. Seems to think men do more than women.

[B]

Right. Sometimes I feel like it's like a show off move. Or it feels like you're kind of.

[A]

Flashing, hey, babe, don't get out of the car. But to do something super cool.

[B]

But ultimately it's very convenient. And I mean, I guess it's not.

[A]

What I hang my hat on. Like, I don't. I don't go back through my day and go, remember that? Wow, awesome.

[B]

But looking back on the.

[A]

Look into it. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. You've gotten one out of two so far. Decent. This third one is from a listener named Danielle. Gift or a curse Group text discussion of what to bring to the party.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I want to know what everybody brings. I also want to know about the hurt feelings because there are some real I have dear friends who have such high standards for food are real bitches. I'm seeing men, women and gender non specific about food where they'll say I have a friend who I love dearly and I'm gonna say her name. Jackie Caishan who I would have pizza parties still do all the time. She came to my pizza party, one of many I'd had and said, you need to order better pizza. Pizza sucks.

[B]

Rude. Where were you ordering from?

[A]

Pizza man in Eagle Rock. Pizza man. No, very inexpensive pizza is not why people are coming to the party. If you want to make pizza good, dip it in olive oil, grab the cheese from one slice, double it up on the second slice, slam that in the microwave. Me kitchen is your kitchen.

[B]

Oh, so you're suggesting they do this during the party. Oh yeah.

[A]

You can do whatever you want, but that people are gathering together and if you have an opinion about what you have to eat, the quality of food B yo F. Bring your own food.

[B]

How did you respond to this? Did you start getting better pizza?

[A]

I did, but now I've gone back. I've gone back to potlucks and cheap. I just Del Taco like, oh, del Taco sucks.

[B]

They have a great crunchy taco.

[A]

Well, why don't you bring something else also? Yeah, a lot of people Love del taco. McDonald's french fries. Keep heating. As long as you keep those heated up.

[B]

That's a risky thing for a party.

[A]

A little risky, but also it's a fun thing. It's unlikely and people go, these are from the turtle.

[B]

These are from the McDonald's.

[A]

It brings a child like a nine.

[B]

Year old boy.

[A]

Anyways, that kind of thing where there's some sort of bullshit. A friend, she went to Easter and she sent me a video saying kind of making fun of the Easter food that was there. And I did not comment on. I know she wanted me to comment on the thing saying, ha ha, they shouldn't have had stewed tomatoes. What a bunch of assholes. I don't know. I'll eat anything. I eat truck stop food. I'm a real fan of. Have you ever had a gas station tuna fish sandwich from like a flying J. Oh, tuna nougat. That's not even tuna it's not even tuna. It's a amalgamated resource.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

That's created for the masses. That lasts years in a refrigerator. But, yeah, I just. I think if you're invited somewhere, keep your mouth shut.

[B]

Keep it shut.

[A]

Or bring a snack. I've been to a vegan wedding. Bring a sandwich because it's going to be a long wait. If they're vegan, they're probably sober. There's not going to be an open bar, take care of yourself. Stuff a donut in your purse.

[B]

But I feel like at a vegan wedding, you're probably getting decent vegan food because they're. No.

[A]

Vegans also usually are healthy, so they can be slightly eating disordered. So the caterer will be like, start it off with a piece of celery out of San Marino, California, and a light glaze of special olive oils made from the motherland. Like, it's people who are. They're living on not much food all the time, so they don't think about how hunger affects most people.

[B]

Blood sugar levels.

[A]

Yeah. Anyways, that's my experience with vegans, is they. They can play the long game during meals.

[B]

Okay. But ultimately you're saying gift for this group discussion of what to bring to the party.

[A]

Oh, I love it. Yes.

[B]

Correct. I'm not a big group text person, but this is one of the times when everyone needs to be on the same page. It's a valuable use of the group text as long as people don't start getting off on tangents.

[A]

I love it and I love looking forward to what people are going to bring.

[B]

I'd like to know.

[A]

Yeah. Caesar salad. Oh, my God. This one guy always brings. He's from the dog park. We have a dog park potluck sometimes. And he always brings like a Mac and cheese.

[B]

Oh, delicious.

[A]

One vegetarian, one with meat.

[B]

What kind of meat? Bacon.

[A]

Bacon? Yes.

[B]

That's a good Mac and cheese. Add in.

[A]

I feel like I'm winning. I'm above the points now. Now I'm doing well, right?

[B]

You've got two out of three.

[A]

Okay, great.

[B]

We can do another if you'd like.

[A]

No, I don't wanna.

[B]

Don't press your luck.

[A]

Don't screw.

[B]

Don't press your. Like. No, I do love the group text. I love to plant my flag. There's one thing I can make. This is what I'm bringing. Don't ask for anything else. And then I get to move on with my day, knowing that no one's gonna cop or end up with the same thing at The.

[A]

Well. And if they do, it's a showdown.

[B]

It's an absolute showdown. And I'm going to win or I'm going to.

[A]

What do you like to start a fight?

[B]

Cookies. I like to make a.

[A]

What kind of cookie?

[B]

Generally a chocolate chip. I make it. I mean, I'm telling you. I have some frozen dough in my freezer that I made recently. Maybe the best I've ever made. I go crazy every time I eat one.

[A]

What are the special ingredients?

[B]

They have a little bit. This is a new thing, I think, that a lot of bakers are adding to chocolate chip cookies. Dehydrated milk. There's just a tiny bit of it, like milk powder. And it caramelizes in the cookie and gives it this malty caramel flavor. Just a little, not to overwhelm.

[A]

No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

They have walnuts. Can you eat a walnut?

[A]

Oh, God, I can eat anything.

[B]

I love a walnut and a cookie. And then I used bread flour and cake flour. A little more brown sugar than usual. They're just. I mean, I can't tell you how good they are.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So I'm getting better.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And I think I need to get better because I'm gonna have to find another career path probably in the next 10 years.

[A]

Well, and this isn't all there is. I've been a secretary. I've cleaned houses. I've been a. What else have I. A waitress. I've been. Those were good jobs, too.

[B]

Every job. Well, not every job, but a lot of jobs have. I loved working as a waiter in food where, like, you knew what the result was always going to be.

[A]

And the emotional tension of a hungry table.

[B]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[A]

Especially, I mean, la. I stopped waitressing when I came to la. Cause it gets so intense. Like, I need a side of that and I need a. I need a cup of coffee, but I don't want the ice to get all tiny. But I want ice in a hot cup of coffee. And then I need a ramekin of fresh raspberries. And I need another kind of food from a restaurant far away. Thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate what you do.

[B]

I do think there's kind of a theater among some people of how nice they can be to servers. And I think you should be respectful and kind. But some people, I think, go too far where you're like, you're making up for something.

[A]

Leave them alone.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah. Tip 25%.

[B]

Yes. Just pay them at the end of the meal and be a decent person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, well, two out of three. Incredible job, Maria.

[A]

Thank you so much. This has been so fun.

[B]

We have to answer a listener question.

[A]

Oh, I thought we did.

[B]

Absolutely not.

[A]

It's been an hour. I'm an introvert.

[B]

We have to answer a listener question.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

People are writing into I saidnogiftsmail.com desperate for answers. Bri, I'm tired.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[B]

This will be an easy, easy thing. Can you help me answer one question? Okay. This is Dear Bridger and distinguished guest. Oh, based on your reputation for giving incredible career advice, I've come seeking answers.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

My boss will soon be hiring to fill a role that I work closely with. There's an internal candidate that I slightly know and I believe my boss favors this person. However, I find this candidate incredibly annoying. How do I handle this professionally but still ensure I don't have to work with someone who drives me nuts? I have no poker face. So if I dislike someone, then the whole world knows it. Please help. Easily irritated In Colorado. I feel like this is a tricky thing.

[A]

Well, do you expect life to always be comfortable? I think that's where we're starting. At a loss. Life is suffering. Okay, can we start there?

[B]

I think that's an excellent place to start.

[A]

So any, like flights of fancy into the spirit world where you feel a sense of joy, that's a bonus. Okay, so this person also, I want to say, often people that really irritate me, I'm exactly like them. Just start noticing what traits you have in common. Also notice these traits and what makes them kind of miraculous. We have this neighbor who she would come over all the time, even though I asked her not to, without warning and say hi. And she would often bring just any orando and say, I wanted to introduce you to a good friend of mine.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And I'm like, hey, girl, hey. I did not say that because that's appropriation. I said, yeah, please don't. But then what we learned about our neighbor is that she works legally with people who are from war torn countries to get refuge in the US and that kind of detachment, well, it's a bit of an autistic experience where she doesn't read people's emotions. Makes it sure. She just doesn't. Is like, yeah, I'm just gonna get people in. No, I'm just gonna. I'm gonna keep talking to you. And then that person is gonna get out of Syria and get to a safe place of refuge.

[B]

That's a great quality for that job.

[A]

It's a miracle. So just Think of the miraculous traits of this person. Also wonder if you might have those.

[B]

Traits yourself and just try to bridge the gap. I think that that's excellent advice.

[A]

Yeah. Also, what are you doing looking over there? Keep your eyes on your own paper.

[B]

Do some work on yourself. Easily irritated in Colorado. This person's probably incredible.

[A]

Meditate in through the nose, out through the mouth, right? Do you know that when you breathe in through your nose, it's cool, and then when the air comes out through your mouth, it's warm? Bet you didn't know that because you're being such a bitch.

[B]

There's your answer. The perfect solution to the problem. Don't write back in. Maria, God bless.

[A]

Thank you. I love you so much. Thank you so much for having me.

[B]

I'm so wonderful.

[A]

Grab a plant and a good Shavas listener.

[B]

The podcast is over. We've made it through 200. Let's try to make it through at least five more. We'll see what happens. I love you. Goodbye. I said no Gifts is an exactly right production. It's produced by our dear friend Anneliese Nelson, and it's beautifully mixed by Ben Tolliday. And we couldn't do it without our guest booker, Patrick Cotner. The theme song, of course, could only come from miracle worker Amy Mann. You must find Follow the show on Instagram at I said no gifts. I don't want to hear any excuses. That's where you get to see pictures of all these gorgeous gifts I'm getting. And don't you want to see pictures of the gifts?

[A]

Thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you gotta come to me.

[B]

I'm too.

[A]

I said no.

[B]

Guess your presence is presence enough.

[A]

And I already had too much stuff, so how do you dare disobey me?