A Fond Memory: Zach Woods Disobeys Bridger

Summary

Podcast Summary: "A Fond Memory: Zach Woods Disobeys Bridger"

Episode Details:

• Title: A Fond Memory: Zach Woods Disobeys Bridger
• Podcast: I Said No Gifts! A comedy interview podcast with Bridger Winegar
• Host: Bridger Winegar
• Release Date: November 28, 2024

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Introduction and Setting the Scene

The episode begins with Bridger Weiniger welcoming listeners to "I Said No Gifts!" He humorously recounts his morning trip to Trader Joe's, highlighting the surreal experience of seeing the entire sample stand disappear in an instant (00:46). Bridger expresses his excitement for today’s guest, Zach Woods, known for his comedic prowess (01:55).

Guest Introduction: Zach Woods

Bridger introduces Zach Woods as an exceptionally funny guest, appreciated for his roles in various comedic settings. Zach reciprocates the welcome, engaging in light banter about Bridger’s outfit and the challenges of describing colors over the internet (02:39 - 03:23). This playful exchange sets a relaxed and humorous tone for the episode.

Conversation Highlights

1. Personal Style and Mood (03:23 - 06:15)

   • Bridger: Discusses his wardrobe choices, expressing fatigue with his clothes and reflecting on how outfits can influence mood (04:06 - 04:28).
   • Zach: Shares his affinity for scented candles and home accessories, likening his interests to those traditionally seen as "old lady paraphernalia." He humorously critiques capitalism's role in personal growth (05:15 - 05:47).

2. The Psychology of Scent (06:15 - 08:12)

   • Zach: Delves into the allure of scented candles, comparing certain scents to the feeling of having a crush. He uses the metaphor of asymptotes to describe the unattainable nature of some desires (07:07 - 08:12).
   • Bridger: Reflects on the differing approaches to pleasure and contentment, emphasizing his desire for immediate results versus Zach's preference for ongoing enticement (07:22 - 08:37).

3. Humorous Anecdotes and Personal Stories (08:37 - 15:17)

   • Zach: Shares a quirky story about his late-night food habits in Hell's Kitchen, combining cheese sandwiches with apple pies in a manner reminiscent of "Taxi Driver" (08:38 - 09:34).
   • Bridger: Engages with Zach’s storytelling by adding his own humorous twists, highlighting the comedic chemistry between them.
   • Music Discussion: The conversation shifts to music, with Zach attempting to discuss Prince’s influence but humorously misattributing songs, leading to a playful exchange about musical legacies and inspirations (14:11 - 16:03).

4. Philosophical Musings on Communication and Art (27:00 - 29:44)

   • Zach: Explores the challenges of communication barriers, referencing philosophical ideas about language and perception. He emphasizes art and physical touch as means to bridge emotional gaps (27:00 - 29:44).
   • Bridger: Relates these ideas to personal experiences, discussing moments when he feels truly connected with others despite linguistic limitations (29:18 - 30:13).

5. Mental Health and Coping Mechanisms (30:13 - 38:37)

   • Bridger: Shares his struggles with depression, likening moments of joy to fleeting instances that are often overshadowed by pain. He candidly discusses the loss of his dog and the emotional turmoil it caused (30:43 - 38:37).
   • Zach: Provides empathetic responses, offering relatable insights into grief and mental health. They discuss unconventional coping mechanisms, including Bridger’s humorous take on coping through storytelling and gambling metaphors (35:24 - 38:37).

Interactive Segment: Gift or a Curse (39:00 - 54:35)

Bridger and Zach engage in a game called "Gift or a Curse," where they evaluate various scenarios or items submitted by listeners to determine if they are beneficial or detrimental.

1. First Round:

   • Parker's Submission: People saying "goose pimples" instead of "goose bumps" (49:23 - 50:15)
     • Both agree it's a curse due to the morbid imagery it conjures.

2. Second Round:

   • Rebecca's Submission: Introducing friends from different circles and them becoming close without your involvement (50:30 - 52:02)
     • Bridger deems it a curse, expressing feelings of betrayal, while Zach initially believes it's a gift but is corrected by Bridger's humorous rebuttal.

3. Third Round:

   • Mark's Submission: Lottery tickets as gifts (52:10 - 54:35)
     • Both concur it's a curse, citing reasons like the low probability of winning and the potential for disappointment or financial ruin.

Listener Emails: I Said No Emails (54:35 - 61:22)

In the final segment, Bridger reads listener emails seeking advice. One poignant message from Hannah reveals she is unexpectedly pregnant and unsure how to disclose this news to her new boss, Keith.

• Bridger and Zach's Advice:
  • Zach: Suggests handling the conversation with honesty and empathy, emphasizing personal well-being and preparedness for any outcome (55:05 - 59:07).
  • Bridger: Adds a humorous twist, imagining exaggerated consequences for Hannah’s situation, thereby lightening the gravity of the discussion (59:07 - 61:22).

Conclusion

Bridger wraps up the episode by reiterating the comedic dynamics shared with Zach Woods, emphasizing the humorous yet heartfelt nature of their interaction. The episode concludes with Bridger reflecting on the mysterious gift—a book titled "Children"—which serves as a catalyst for their in-depth and humorous discussions about communication, personal growth, and the complexities of human relationships (61:03 - 62:17).

Notable Quotes:

• Bridger Weiniger (00:36): "What's wrong with me taking care of it?"
• Zach Woods (05:17): "I'm obsessed with scented candles. Different incenses, a lot of scent stuff."
• Zach Woods (07:50): "It's hope. I need a... a carrot dangling nonstop."
• Bridger Weiniger (12:07): "It's shrewd."
• Zach Woods (57:06): "Terrifying. I guess my advice would be, she wants to know when to tell him and how to tell him right."
• Bridger Weiniger (59:06): "Take the company down."
• Zach Woods (60:27): "My most urgent piece of advice is stop flirting with Bridger."

Themes and Insights:

• Humor in Everyday Struggles: Bridger and Zach use humor to navigate complex personal topics such as mental health, grief, and interpersonal relationships.
• Communication Barriers: The episode delves into the intricacies of how language and symbolism can both connect and alienate individuals.
• Personal Growth vs. Immediate Results: A recurring discussion contrasts Bridger’s desire for swift outcomes with Zach’s appreciation for the ongoing journey.
• Societal Expectations and Individual Realities: They explore how societal norms, like gifting lottery tickets or engaging in social rituals, can sometimes feel patronizing or disconnected from personal experiences.

Conclusion:

"A Fond Memory: Zach Woods Disobeys Bridger" is a richly engaging episode that balances humor with poignant reflections. Through candid conversations and playful interactions, Bridger and Zach offer listeners a blend of laughter and introspection, making complex emotions and situations accessible and entertaining. This episode is a testament to the podcast's ability to foster meaningful dialogue while maintaining its comedic essence, ensuring it remains relatable and enjoyable for both regular listeners and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Bridger Weiniger]

This is exactly right. Hey there, Ryan Reynolds here. It's a new year and you know what that means.

[Zach Woods]

No, not the diet resolutions.

[Bridger Weiniger]

A way for us all to try.

[Zach Woods]

And do a little bit better than we did last year. And my resolution, unlike big wireless, is to not be a raging and raise.

[Bridger Weiniger]

The price of wireless on you every chance I get. Give it a [e-mail] switch $45 upfront payment required. Equivalent to $15 per month.

[Ryan Reynolds]

New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited. See mintmobile.com for details.

[Zach Woods]

ABC Wednesday. Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in the new family comedy Shifting Gears.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like.

[Zach Woods]

So a couple of days when his daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I was 18. The double bird was how I ended all our conversations.

[Zach Woods]

The wheels come off.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Can we try to talk to each other like rational adults? Have you watched the news lately?

[Zach Woods]

That's not a thing anymore. Series premieres Wednesday, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

[Tim Allen]

When I invited you here, I thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you got to come to me empty handed. I said no guests. Your presence is presence enough. And I already had too much stuff. So how do you dare disobey me?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Welcome to I said no gifts. I'm Bridger Weiniger. We're in the backyard. What is happening? I've been to Trader Joe's this morning. I went to three grocery stores. I gave myself permission to buy the expensive coffee and that fell apart immediately. And I ended up at Trader Joe's. There I had an orange slice from the sample lady. I went around the aisle once and she was gone. The entire stand was gone. She was gone. Completely surreal experience. RIP let's get into the podcast. I love today's guest. He is just so funny. It's Zach Woods. Zach, welcome to I said no gifts.

[Zach Woods]

Thank you. You feel like that woman was dead or I appeared that she was just a hallucination conjured by the bad coffee.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I hope it's a hallucination, but I think she's been erased. She's been disappeared.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. Unmade. But, you know, can I just paint a picture for your listeners? Because you can't hear this through the microphone, but Bridger is wearing them, a very understated and beautiful outfit that matches his Surroundings perfectly. Where there's this kind of, like. I don't. I'm not good at describing colors, but it's this kind of, like, warm magenta shirt and then this beautiful green jacket, and then there's these. I don't know. I guess it's not that rewarding to hear someone describe colors over the. Over the Internet. But it's very beautiful, and I wanted to.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I appreciate that. Yeah. I'm in kind of a brown, a maroon, and then kind of. I've. I've thought about the color of this jacket before, and I thought, dark turquoise or is it teal? And I kind of landed on Pacific. I feel like it's. The color is Pacific.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Because teal. What is teal? I always think of a Pontiac Grand Am when I. Teal. It's like a. It's more of a turquoise.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. A teal sounds like the color of a car that a father is distant from his children in.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, totally.

[Zach Woods]

Do you feel that you dress in colors that reflect your mood or that are aspirational? Like, will you dress in a better mood than you are in, or do you dress in the mood that you are in? Does that make sense?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, that does make sense. If my mood is usually at a negative four, to get to a zero with an outfit would be incredible. So I guess it's just kind of the four things that are clean in my closet and that I haven't worn too recently. I'm getting tired of all of my clothes.

[Zach Woods]

Oh, interesting.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, this shirt I've probably owned for 14 years.

[Zach Woods]

Wow.

[Bridger Weiniger]

What's wrong with me taking care of it?

[Zach Woods]

I would say someone, you know, Esther Perrell, the like.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, of course.

[Zach Woods]

Okay. So I have mixed feelings. I think she's brilliant, but I also think she's too focused on power. But anyway. But this is not a referendum on Esther Peril. Esther Peril, in one of these books, talked about how. She talked about how people who have affairs aren't having affairs because they're sick of their partner. It's that they're sick of the version of themselves that they are with their partner, which I thought was interesting. And I don't know when you were just saying, like, I'm getting sick of my clothes. I feel periodically that I'll have the feeling of, like, wanting to be a different person familiar with that. And I will look to accessories to achieve that transformation.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And. What sort of accessories?

[Zach Woods]

Candles. Scented candles. I'm obsessed with scented candles. Different incenses, a lot of scent stuff, different throws, quilts. It's a lot of kind of like old lady paraphernalia that I'll try. I guess that's what I'm trying to transition into. But it's such a. It's such a slam dunk for capitalism, I guess, that. That. That the impulse for personal growth immediately. Off ramps to shopify. Yes, yes, totally.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So what sort of candles are you?

[Zach Woods]

I will get DS and Durga. I will get. Oh, my God. There's this one. H. Perfume. I don't know if you're supposed to say perfume or perfumer. I don't know. I'm not French, contrary to popular belief. But yeah, so those I like. I got this incense that smells like coffee and chocolate. Because usually you hear incense and you think it smells like a predatory yoga instructor.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Of course. Of course. Just a strange perfume smell.

[Zach Woods]

Yes. Yeah. Like a kind of patchouli with a whiff of misogyny in there. But this is a coffee one that smells like coffee and chocolate. Isn't it nice?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Purely chocolate and coffee.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. There's no.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Is that not confusing for you? For me, that's setting off a lot of hunger bells. That's making me think, why am I not eating? Like, there's nothing in the oven baking. I think I would be baffled. But for you, it works.

[Zach Woods]

You know, someone told me, like, I had a. When I first got my dog, the trainer who we were working with said, don't get one of those laser pointers that you point on the ground and they bat at because of exactly what you're describing. It's like this insatiable. You want to get to the laser, but you can never get to the laser if you're the dog. And that's basically you're saying it would be like a laser pointer. It's like, I want to get to that smell. But there is no.

[Bridger Weiniger]

There's no end of the tunnel. There's just the constant tease.

[Zach Woods]

I think I like enticement maybe more than contentment.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, interesting. For you, it is the journey, and for me it's purely the goal. The goal should be the beginning for me.

[Zach Woods]

You want to be sated. I just want to be teased into a tiz someone. You know what I realized recently? This is going to make me sound again like such an old lady. But I think it's jasmine. You know the smell of jasmine?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Sure.

[Zach Woods]

To me, that is like the smell of a crush where it's like when you walk past jasmine, you just want to get closer and closer. You want to, like, get into the center of the thing, but you Can't. Like, what are you going to do? Like, smash your head into the bush?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Like, it won't work.

[Zach Woods]

And anyway, even if you did, it wouldn't get you there. And that feeling of like, it's like a. I don't know anything about math, but I remember from like 7th grade, asymptotes or whatever, where it's like the line is always getting closer and closer.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And closer, but you never can.

[Zach Woods]

Right? And I think that's like a crush. That's my coffee, incense. That's the smell of jasmine. It's the unrealizable there, right?

[Bridger Weiniger]

You just need the carrot dangling nonstop.

[Zach Woods]

Yes.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Just never able to quite munch on it.

[Zach Woods]

It's hope. I need a.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And I need results. I just need a result the moment I begin or I'm giving up.

[Zach Woods]

We should go into business together. We cover each other's spines.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's a great combination. Let's get us on Shark Tank. We both do our own thing. I think we'd be very successful.

[Zach Woods]

I think we would too.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Now, do you like a treat? I mean, like, if you were to have a chocolate, would you be happy? Or is it. You're just fine with the smell?

[Zach Woods]

No, I like it very much. And I used to mainline. Just go straight up garbage. I used to go to. I lived in Hell's Kitchen and I would go to the deli at two in the morning and I would get like those tiny little apple pies wrapped in wax paper.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, like the. What are those called?

[Zach Woods]

Little something.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, like little friendlies or something.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah, little friendlies. Little compulsions. And I would eat those. And then I would. But I would also order a cheese sandwich and sometimes like a sleeve of Pepperidge Farm cookies. And then what was left of the cheese sandwich I would put on top the cheese I would put on the pie. Like some sort of. Like, this is very.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Taxi Driver. You're simple shepherd and taxi driver with the cheddar on the apple pie.

[Zach Woods]

You calling me simple shepherd and taxi driver is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's what I want from someone. I want someone to tell me that. And I'm not getting it.

[Zach Woods]

Bridger, look me in the eyes. Your Sybil should have an argument.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Result. Just begging for it.

[Zach Woods]

You asked for it and you got the result.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, me asking for is more Travis Bickle in the situation. The desperation, the need. And you have this cool. You're putting the cheese sandwich over the top of a disgusting little apple pie. Good for you.

[Zach Woods]

Do you feel like you have an inner Travis Bickle. Do you feel like there's that, like, under the right social conditions, you could lose your shit? Shave yourself into a mohawk. Start, like, practicing with guns in the mirror. Like, do you think there's a version.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Of you that I want to believe that I have? That the possibility of me becoming a completely dangerous person, even a sliver of that, would be so exciting. I think I have maybe an inner king of comedy where I could kidnap and then try to make hero my own.

[Zach Woods]

Who would you kidnap?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, that's a great question. Let me think.

[Zach Woods]

It's hard, right?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. And it feels dangerous.

[Zach Woods]

I know. Because you're committing to it. It's definitely undermining the result. In other words, if you articulate your desire to kill, you're warning them.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You're absolutely warning them. I mean. But then it becomes more of a challenge because now I have to. They've really told their security. This is the person to watch out for.

[Zach Woods]

Someone told me this thing, and I have no idea if it's true, but that some guy was stalking Steven Spielberg because he thought that Steven Spielberg wanted him to make love to him, and they found him with Jurassic park shit in his car. And I don't know if that's true or not, but I remember thinking how utterly terrifying that would be so scary. To not just have a stalker, but a stalker who thinks that you're waiting for them eagerly just seems, like, truly harrowing.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's. That reminds me of. Did you ever hear about David Letterman's stalker who was saying that she claimed David Letterman was stalking her?

[Zach Woods]

Oh, wow.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It was a real. I mean, a great, nice reverse stalking attempt, which nobody saw that coming.

[Zach Woods]

I'm not stalking you. You're stalking me.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. Stop stalking me. Stop taking me to court. Yeah.

[Zach Woods]

You're obsessed with me. You won't stop calling the police on me. It's so interesting.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's a smart move. It's shrewd.

[Zach Woods]

It's really shrewd. I'm trying to think who I would want. Okay, let's do it this way. You can kidnap someone. They're dead already. I'm not saying you're gonna kill someone, but I'm saying, so you're safe from incriminating, Right?

[Bridger Weiniger]

So now you've become a grave robber. So who would you grave would you rob?

[Zach Woods]

They're in exchange for the life of the woman who gave you the orange slice. They are reanimated and given directly into your possession.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Right, right. Okay. Somebody dead who I would want to kidnap and Keep in my home. That's what we're looking for.

[Zach Woods]

Yes. And I'll try to think about it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay. I'm going to say, do you know. Oh. I mean, the real problem here is I don't know any celebrity names you could describe. Just like, I'm so bad at celebrities.

[Zach Woods]

Me, too. That's a good thing.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I panic. I mean, there's a full segment of this podcast we do sometimes with celebrities. I'm like, I don't know who any of these people are.

[Zach Woods]

It's a mitzvah. It's a mitzvah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Who would you take that has. I'm like, who has died? Who are some people who have died in the last 20 years?

[Zach Woods]

David Bowie.

[Bridger Weiniger]

David Bowie. Prince. But these are so obvious. Of course I'd love to have David Bowie around the house.

[Zach Woods]

Of course. Who wouldn't?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I would take Prince at any point. I mean, the things you would get into with Prince. I mean, it would be. Every day would be a sexual adventure.

[Zach Woods]

This is true heresy. And I'm ashamed of myself, and I don't think I'm right. I don't understand Prince.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, okay.

[Zach Woods]

Well, I'm not proud of Zach, but it's true.

[Bridger Weiniger]

How much of Prince have you listened to?

[Zach Woods]

I. Not a ton.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay.

[Zach Woods]

But partly because when I have. I have a frightening feeling of incomprehension.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Well, there's. I mean, first of all, there is so much. I mean, he was producing music from the 70s until eight years ago, and once we get into the 90s and thousands, it gets a lot spottier. So there's. So. I think it's hard to penetrate his catalog. But what sort of music do you listen to?

[Zach Woods]

I like that song he did about Want to. Princes will destroy you. That's what I said.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I don't know this song.

[Zach Woods]

It's autobiographical, I think.

[Bridger Weiniger]

What is that? What are you talking about?

[Zach Woods]

It's about a rich guy and then there's a poor guy, and they're both fighting for the love of the same woman.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Wait, what is that? I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Zach Woods]

One, two princes will destroy you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

He's singing the Spin Doctors song. I was thinking about the Spin Doctors.

[Zach Woods]

This morning, but I assume that that was ghostwritten by Prince.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Of course. It's about, you know, he was kind of a ghostwriter.

[Zach Woods]

Is that true?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, he wrote a lot of songs that he would just give to friends under a different. Like a name like Christopher Smith or.

[Zach Woods]

Something, under the name Paul Simon.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But he wrote all of Graceland.

[Zach Woods]

That would be Amazing. I. I remember hearing that Bruce Springsteen wrote Hungry Heart for the Ramones, which I don't know if that's true or not.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I don't believe that for one second.

[Zach Woods]

I like to tell lies.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Do you know what you need to do? The album that got me into Prince was Dirty Mind. It's like. It's a little bit more. It's more bare bones.

[Zach Woods]

Sounds a bit fresh, to be honest. It's definitely fresh.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's Prince getting fresh for once in his life. The song when youn Were Mine is one of the all time great songs. Listen to that one. That's the one that'll get you into it. It'll break your heart.

[Zach Woods]

It sounds like he might have taken that from Bruno Mars. I should have brought you flowers. So if he's plagiarizing Bruno Mars, I don't want to support that.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Well, who. I mean, the significance of Bruno Mars on music. I mean, the impact he's had on artists from. In every genre cannot be.

[Zach Woods]

Oh, he said he's the Miles Davis of music. I've always said that about Bruno Mars.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I've always, you know, Bruno Mars. I mean, I think he's impacted me in other ways too.

[Zach Woods]

Sure.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Just in daily life, spiritually, he's a very.

[Zach Woods]

I mean, there are people who seem. And I'm sure this isn't true because he's a person just like everyone else. There are people who seem so, like, luminously untroubled in their public private Persona where they just seem healthy, happy together, you know, and they don't reek of that kind of sociopathic ambition, even though they've somehow created empires for themselves.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Right.

[Zach Woods]

And I guess I think I'm not that familiar with Bruno Mars, but in my head, he sort of falls into that category.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I've never heard a Bruno Mars song from beginning to end. Not once.

[Zach Woods]

Because you were crying so hard by the middle.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You have to turn it off. I'm sobbing. I'm on the floor. Turn off Bruno. I can't listen to another minute of what's the.

[Zach Woods]

I should have bought you flowers.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I should have bought you flowers.

[Zach Woods]

Or brought.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Brought. Well, I mean, either way works. What's the other one?

[Zach Woods]

Stole you flowers.

[Bridger Weiniger]

The really annoying one.

[Zach Woods]

I think that I literally only know that one Bruno Mars song.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Annalise, what's the really annoying one? Oh, my gosh. A lot.

[Zach Woods]

Just the way you are.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, no, there's one that's more of a Vegas Y number. Kind of a Locked out of heaven 24k magic.

[Zach Woods]

I actually do like A lot of things.

[Bridger Weiniger]

How have we not gotten to the one I know? Ooh, now I'm just looking at all these.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, Uptown Funk.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Uptown Funk, here we go. Uptown Funk is the one that I'm thinking about. And Uptown Funk, of course, is the one that's impacted generations. Not many people bought the single, but the ones that did. What they say is everyone who bought that single became a band that influential. I believe that they said that about Bruno Mars.

[Zach Woods]

Oh, such a clutch off season pickup Dave. I was worried we'd bring back the same team. I meant Those blackout motorized shades. Lines.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install. No, it's easy. I installed these and then got some for my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure and install hall of fame son. They're the number one online retailer of custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the goat shop.

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Zach Woods]

Now, okay, so David Bowie, Prince. Those are people who. But, like, in terms of deep cuts. Reanimated celebrities that you would like to possess.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Reanimated celebrities. Okay, I have to think of one celebrity. There simply must be. Actually, I can think of a celebrity that is alive that I wouldn't mind bringing home. Dianne Wiest.

[Zach Woods]

Oh, wow. What a good choice.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I would love to have her around the house.

[Zach Woods]

Yes. Because I feel that, like, she would be a good barrier between despair and arrogance. In other words, if you got too low, Diane Wiest would intervene. And if you got too high, Diane.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Wiest would intervene, would cut you down.

[Zach Woods]

But not in a way like, it would be like a trim. She'd trim your tree. She wouldn't lumberjack you. Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It would feel healthy. And it'd be like, okay, I'm going to be the same person, but better.

[Zach Woods]

Right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

She's at an age that you could probably, you know, help her out. You would Feel like you were helping each other?

[Zach Woods]

I once, when I first. I'm bringing my dog up a lot. When I first got my dog, I was talking to my therapist about it, about getting him my dog, and I said, well, you know, they want us to foster him first, but who are we kidding? But I don't know. You know, it's like, I'm gonna keep him. There's no way I'm gonna give him back. But they want us to foster. And she looked at me in the eyes and she went, everything's a foster. And I was like, wow, that's right. Like, you don't get to keep.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Nothing's permanent.

[Zach Woods]

And I feel like that's, like, something I can easily imagine coming out of Diane Wiest's mouth. You know what I mean?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Completely. Kind of a whisper.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Everything's a Foster.

[Zach Woods]

Everything's a Foster.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I love her voice.

[Zach Woods]

She's beautiful in every way that a person can be beautiful.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Did we ever get to you with a celebrity?

[Zach Woods]

Weirdly, the first one that came to my head, and I wouldn't want to possess her, but I would want her company, is Olympia Dukakis.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, fantastic. Excellent choice.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. I just rewatched Moonstruck, and I was like, that woman is.

[Bridger Weiniger]

She's incredible.

[Zach Woods]

Irresistible. So that's one. I think another one would be. I'm trying to think. Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's hard.

[Zach Woods]

It's really hard.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Anytime you're asked to recall information, the brain shuts down. I don't know why that is.

[Zach Woods]

Jimmy Carter.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Jimmy Carter. We love Jimmy Carter.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Sweet Jimmy Carter.

[Zach Woods]

Good man.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Wow. Well, as much as. I mean, we're clearly making excellent conversation out of just trying to think of a person, you and I can't recall a person. I mean, me especially. It's just I barely know the two names of the people present with me right now. I'm just blanking on everything. So we're going to move on from the subject because there's something more important I need to talk to you about.

[Zach Woods]

Please. I.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Look, I was happy to have you on the podcast. I was excited. I'll say I was excited.

[Zach Woods]

Me, too.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Zach's wonderful. There's no chance anything could possibly go wrong. And so, you know, I've been doing this podcast for a while. Most episodes go okay. So I was a little surprised. The podcast is called I said no Gifts.

[Zach Woods]

Right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It was a little. I don't. I don't even know that. I'd say I was a little surprised. I would say I was floored I was shocked when you came trotting into my backyard holding this gorgeous, shimmering pink bag, which. And I don't want to. I don't want to assume, but I'm going to. It's a gift for me.

[Zach Woods]

That's right. Thank you for describing my walk as a trot. Very few people understand my sort of equestrian elegance in the way that you obviously do. Thank you. I think of myself as a dressage horse, first and foremost, and then secondly, I can't help it. I want to ruffle people's hair. I want to just. I don't want to violate their boundaries, but I want to challenge the status quo. I'm lawless like that, for sure.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay. Yeah. The ruffling, the hair. It's kind of an uncle energy.

[Zach Woods]

Can I tell you, I was once on a train. This is maybe not. This is pretty tangential. I was once on a train, and a man. This is in my younger days. A man came up to me, and I'm like, 95% sure he was flirting. And I was so flattered, and I'm straight, but this guy was so charming. And at one point, I was wearing a tie, and when he was getting off the train, he did this thing where he reached out and sort of tugged on my tie a little bit. Oh, not a lot. Just, like. It was sort of like, half straightening it, half giving it, like, a little tug.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Right.

[Zach Woods]

And I remember thinking, if I wasn't straight, I would be falling into your arms. It was so.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That was the most erotic thing a person could possibly do.

[Zach Woods]

It was amazing. It was, like, caring, assertive. It, like, sort of. It crossed the boundary of strangers and physical distance. But it wasn't scary. I was just like, you are a master.

[Bridger Weiniger]

The amount of. Yeah, that little bit of caring and just wanting you to be better.

[Zach Woods]

Yes, yes.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But also, like, clearly being like, oh, this guy looks good, but he could look better.

[Zach Woods]

Yes. And I'm gonna, like, give it a little zhuzh. I don't know. I was, like, swoon that.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, I'm lightheaded thinking about that.

[Zach Woods]

I get it. Me too.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I wonder how often he's doing that. I mean, he's probably imprisoned by now.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. He strangled someone with their own tie.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I think about that a lot. Like, being in public, I'm like, I wonder if I could just ask a stranger, because they're. They have no bias and just be like, what do you think of my outfit? You can say whatever you want, because you're not getting that from anyone else in your life. No. One else is going to give you the cold truth. But if I walk up to somebody in the grocery store and just say, rate me from A to F, I'm going to get the truth.

[Zach Woods]

I do tend to think, and this might just be my own bias or a sort of projected lonesomeness or something. I generally think people want to connect and that the barrier to that is safety. It's feeling like this person's gonna hurt me. They're gonna either take advantage of me or they're gonna hurt my body or they're gonna do something. But if you present as someone who is not out to cause harm, I think people might really take you up on the opportunity to have a frank conversation.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's worth trying.

[Zach Woods]

Maybe try it. What's the worst that happens?

[Bridger Weiniger]

And people love giving their opinion.

[Zach Woods]

Yes, that's right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's like asking. It's a miniature survey, and the stakes are so low for them.

[Zach Woods]

Yes. I also think if it's like, I like your clothes, although that might create an expectation of reciprocity in a way that's not really.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's true. Yeah. And I don't want to. I don't need to give anything.

[Zach Woods]

You just kind of be like, I need your opinion, and I'm gonna walk away.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm not gonna say a thing to you.

[Zach Woods]

That's right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's gonna be a cold interaction. But you are going to help me.

[Zach Woods]

That's nice.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I've thought about that, and I think a genuinely good service would be a person who comes to your home and tells you if it smells or not.

[Zach Woods]

Oh, that's pretty good.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Or gets in your car. Because, you know, when you live in a house or you're in your car, you're used to these things and you don't know if it smells bad. But for somebody to come over, I give them $50 and they say, this place smells horrible.

[Zach Woods]

Right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Or, like, determines what the smell is. What a great service that would be.

[Zach Woods]

That's a really good idea. I think sometimes if you've been away from your house for a few weeks and then you come back and you're like, oh, interesting. This is the experience of a stranger walking into my house.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. And sometimes that can be bad.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. It's startling. It is.

[Bridger Weiniger]

The familiar becomes slightly off, but it's like. Because the sense memory is there.

[Zach Woods]

Right. It's uncanny. Valley. Have you ever seen one of those mirrors that reverses the. You know, when you look at a mirror, you're seeing the reverse image. But there are certain mirrors that then Reflect the image back so you're seeing yourself as others see you. Have you ever looked at one of those?

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's a mirror.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

How does that. How that feels like it's defying physics.

[Zach Woods]

I think it's a. It like reflects the image off of several different planes to arrive back at.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, but when you do see yourself, what is that? The other flipped around.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Terrifying.

[Zach Woods]

It's a little. I used to talk to an ex of mine and say, I think the scariest thing would be to wake up next to you and not find a different person there, but to find you, but your eyes are slightly further apart. Or like your nose is like half an inch longer. Or like just you, but plus some undeniable thing that can't be accounted for. That to me just seems like a nightmare.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. Because there's nothing you can do about it. And then you're thinking about it constantly and you have the memory of the old you and it's an imposter. You're now living with an imposter.

[Zach Woods]

I guess so. I think my friend's making a TV show about this very thing.

[Bridger Weiniger]

No. You're kidding.

[Zach Woods]

No. Yeah, I think he is. But it's a very scary thought. Very, very scary. Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Because the trust is broken.

[Zach Woods]

I remember when I was in summer camp as a little kid, someone said to me, what if what I see when I say green is what you. Your green is my red. But language prevents us from. And it threw me into a depression. I remember walking around day camp at the Lawrenceville school, like, in between swim classes. I was like a little character from a Woody Allen movie or something, just being like, oh, fuck. Like language. Like, we're all siloed in our own language prisons.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Like, this is the thing that kids go through. Because I remember going through this being like, oh, what if. I mean, we just cannot express to another person what my reality is. What if we think it's the same thing? And then, I mean, that just explodes everything in your world.

[Zach Woods]

What do you think? This is where I feel like, the most sure fire way I know to tunnel under all of the barriers, I think is like. Often it might sound pretentious, but I really do feel this way is like art. Physical touch. And then like certain kind of conversations that aren't necessarily even about what you're saying explicitly. But as much as the sort of energetic loop that exists between the two of you, like, I feel like there's so few ways to be able to like, get through all the shrubbery to the other person. Like for you. Like for me. So I think a lot of my most intimate experiences have been in audiences or.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Or as an audience member.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. Because I feel so close to these people I've never even met before. But I feel so profoundly understood and understanding of.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Right.

[Zach Woods]

Or sometimes if I make something too, then I can feel that same thing. If I feel like I've adequately expressed some inexpressible thing. Do you feel like. For you. Where. Do you feel like the kind of. Where does the Berlin Wall fall down in your life?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Where things. Where it feels like I'm purely communicating with another person.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah, we're. That language barrier, even when you're speaking the same language, dissipates a little bit, and you feel like, oh, I know this person. This person knows me.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I think it's when one. Is when I don't like the taste of something, and they also don't. I basically. I'm always looking. I'm always looking for people to. Basically when somebody else doesn't like the same thing as me.

[Zach Woods]

Yes.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's when I. Especially when it's. I mean, this happens a lot recently, actually, because there's so much. On the Internet, there's so much hype about everything, and everything is the second coming of whatever. And then you go and experience. And you're like, oh, am I an alien? I don't. I did not have this. And then you meet a friend and you quietly talk about it, and you have the same. It's like, oh, my God. So, okay, I feel you. I like you. At least our reality exists, even if the huge one doesn't fit for us.

[Zach Woods]

It's true. It's such a relief because it can feel so isolating to be on the outside of a consensus. That can feel so weird.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Full alien.

[Zach Woods]

Especially among people who you love and respect. And they're all in agreement. And you're just thinking, what is wrong with me? I always think it's so interesting. What we've collectively decided is fun. I was at this near the. I guess it was like the Staples center or something. And there's all these loud lights. These lights are so crazy. And it sounds everywhere. And it's like. Or you go to Vegas or like. Or someplace like that, and you're like, this is what we've all, as like, a global economy, decided is fun. And to me, it just feels like hell.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, it's just complete hell. Las Vegas. Oh, my God. I mean, I can last half an hour before my body is just screaming.

[Zach Woods]

Which is to say, you are screaming.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And I mean, I was in New York last week, and I was. I had to walk through Times Square a few times. And it's the exact same thing where it's just like, who is getting anything out of this experience?

[Zach Woods]

It's like, yeah, it's interesting. I guess, in my own life, too, maybe it's like mistaking numbness for fun. Sometimes, I guess in my own life, in different ways, I will sort of make myself numb and think of it as recreational, you know what I mean? The shopping or the eating, the pies or the whatever. It's like. It's highly stimulating, and that is relieving. And then so. So I think I sort of categorize it as fun in my brain. But the truth is, it's just about kind of comaing myself a bit.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's very much like pushing down on the wound, very. Just like, holding it. So the pain feels different. At least. This is my entire life at this point. I mean, I need a lobotomy because I'm like, oh, I don't know that I can experience fun anymore. I don't know that that's a thing. But the rare time that it does happen, I mean, I'm describing depression, but when it does happen, what a relief. When you're like, oh, my God, I can laugh at something. Something can still make me laugh or. I saw Godzilla recently.

[Zach Woods]

I heard that was great.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Did not expect the movie to. I was jumping in my seat. I was scared of Godzilla. I couldn't believe it. So there are occasionally times where I'm like, oh, I'm not completely numb to everything.

[Zach Woods]

My father worked at a mental hospital when he was in his 20s, and he said, this is back when there was less oversight. Or maybe there's still not oversight, but anyway, it was in, I think, New Hampshire, and he said he didn't have a degree at this point. I don't think he was just, like, an orderly. And he took the most depressive cases, the people who were really struggling, and loaded them all into a van and drove to an airport. I think it was in Vermont, where there was one of those landing strips where the planes come, like, screaming down right above. You know what I mean? And he parked the van, and he had all of them get out and lie on top of the van and on the hood. And then they just lay there while these planes came like. Like over top of them. And he said, by the time they left, these people who were, like, catatonically depressed were, like, bouncing off the walls. They were so hyped up, it's like they were scared of Godzilla. It was like they were just like. Oh. Like they felt alive again.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Of course, because it didn't feel like all of their nerve endings were burnt off.

[Zach Woods]

Right, right. I think that's right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Wow. I mean, God bless putting them all of these lives in danger.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think also, like, another thing about that is, like, I have a friend who's an acting teacher who, like, really kind of helped me learn about acting a lot, named Anya Safer, who I adore. And she. We were talking about crying, like in scenes where you have to cry or whatever. She was like, something I tell my students a lot because she would teach college kids too, she said, is that I think if you could remove all the social conditioning and repression and whatever else she's like, underneath all of that, I think most people are always underneath that on the verge of laughing or crying.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, wow.

[Zach Woods]

You're always sort of like hovering on the precipice of one of those things.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Right.

[Zach Woods]

It's like, I don't know if that's true or not, but I found it. I've thought about it a lot since then.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I can believe that. I mean, we can't get into it right now because I will start crying, but that's okay. But about a month ago, I was at. No, two months ago, I was at a stop line. I was like, I haven't cried in a while. I wonder what that feels like. And then my dog died, like last week, but it was about a month long thing. And we will not talk about this because I'll start crying, but, oh, I'm definitely able to cry. And it's. I mean, what an experience. What a horrible feeling. It's crazy. But I think that that is always there. And I guess it's a good thing it's there.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah, I mean, I think it's. First of all, I get it if you don't want to talk about something so gutting on your podcast.

[Bridger Weiniger]

We can't cry on this podcast. It's simply not a thing I'm going to do.

[Zach Woods]

But then again, there's no gifts allowed either. And what do we have here? I mean, what I was going to say about that is just like. And obviously it's your podcast. You'll cut it out if you want. But I just think I really hate it when there's sort of unanswerably painful things, like the loss of a loved one, like a dog, and people try to shove their silver lining down your throat to make them feel better. Someone did say something to me that I was like. Where it's like the pain you experience is proportional to the love that you felt for the creature. And my friend who lost his dog said this thing that made me cry where he was like, buy the ticket, take the ride. And I was like, oh, boy.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's what it is. Yeah. I mean, I've never really grieved for. I mean, I've had grandparents die, that sort of thing, where it felt like it was time or almost time, but this is the first time as an adult that this has happened to me. And, I mean, it's just the most gutting feeling. But I've, like. I've been kind of having realizations about all of this. And what I kind of tried to frame it as is just. It's the compression of all of that joy. The nine years of joy I had is just suddenly being pushed through into a small thing that I get to keep. And of course, that's going to be painful. It's just like all of that is just getting crushed into a thing that I get to keep. But in the process, that's going to be horrible. And it has been. But what a wonderful little gift that Edie gave to me and my boyfriend. Edie, yeah. Not a fun experience and totally worth it. Of course, I would do it a million times again to have her. But it's not for.

[Zach Woods]

I think I've never heard it described that way. It's almost like when people take their blankets from the winter and shrink them down into the little. This is, like you said, something very beautiful and poetic. And now I'm framing it in terms of the Container Store. But I think that idea of a resizing of. It's like the amount of love, the magnitude of love doesn't change, but the kind of packaging is shrunk to the past or something.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Right.

[Zach Woods]

It's like a complicated. I know what you mean. And I remember talking to somebody once who was like, studied protracted grief, like, whatever the fuck that is. He was like, oh, no, no, no, no. It was this. His girlfriend studied, like, a pathological grief, which I guess is grief that extends endlessly. Isn't that all grief I feel?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, it's an endless. Well, right? Yeah.

[Zach Woods]

But I guess one thing he said that I thought was interesting, that he was quoting her. I didn't meet her, but she was that often. People who grieve intensely for a long time, the grief occupies the vacancy that the person or dog or whatever left. So it's like, rather than just have this sort of cavity. The act of grieving takes up some of the emotional real estate where all of that engagement and love and everything used to be.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That makes perfect sense.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. I thought it was, like, helpful and interesting.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Wow.

[Zach Woods]

Anyway, I'm really sorry you're going through it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's okay. Let's talk about these people shrinking blankets. What is happening? They shrink them for convenience.

[Zach Woods]

They shrink them down. I mean, you can get. It's basically vacuum bags. It's like you put.

[Bridger Weiniger]

They're not, like, putting them through the.

[Zach Woods]

Wash. No, those would be.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, I was like, oh, so they're ruining the thing they own so they could save space. Okay, good for them.

[Zach Woods]

You know how at the end of every winter, you smash all your plates?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I don't have the space. I simply don't have the space. We've got to destroy these things.

[Zach Woods]

Too hot to have these plates.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay, well, this is. I mean, the way you've distracted from the gifts.

[Zach Woods]

Sorry.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, you've thrown. I mean, you've taken us through a loop. We're running out of time here. We should open the gift.

[Zach Woods]

All right, let's open the gift.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Let's get into this gift. I'm pulling out.

[Zach Woods]

It requires explanation.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay, so what I'm seeing so far is it's like a little book or journal that says children on it.

[Zach Woods]

Now. Now I understand to the listeners, one grown man giving another grown man a book which has just a brown cover that says children on it. When the conversation started with kidnapping does not bode particularly well.

[Bridger Weiniger]

What is the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang character? Is it a child snatcher or something?

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. I promise to not be that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang character. That is not the intent or content of this gift. But if it's raising alarm bells for you on as you're listening, I understand. But don't worry. It'll be okay.

[Bridger Weiniger]

What is this?

[Zach Woods]

This is a book of famous historical figures when they were little kids.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Woods]

And it's a mix. It'd be like, Neil Armstrong and Osama bin Laden. And the name of the kid is on the next page. So you can look and be like, who is that? I think that's Winston Churchill. And then you turn the page and you find out if you were right or wrong. But you get to see, like, Oppenheimer or I think Manson's in there.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, boy.

[Zach Woods]

But then also, like, musicians, like Louis Armstrong.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay, right.

[Zach Woods]

You know, so it's like just seeing all these people who had this outsized kind of, like, effect on the world as you described. Bruno Mars, for example. But, you know, before they were any of the things that they would be known for.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Right. I mean, and before you described it to me, I flipped open the book and it said Mick Jagger on the page. And I looked at the. Not knowing how it worked. I looked at this photo and it's.

[Zach Woods]

Like kind of like Russia. It's probably Chekhov or something. It's just like very teen Russian family from the 1900s or 19th century.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, I don't know who this is.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah, that's the other thing. It'll make you feel dumb because some of the people you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Charles Edouard Genier Gris.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Bridger Weiniger]

1887 to 1965.

[Zach Woods]

I'm a doofus. Did you look at the real Mick Jagger picture?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, I should look at it. Let's see here. Okay. There's the Mick Jagger know and love. The teeth are there. The teeth were ready to go.

[Zach Woods]

And so is the cunning in his eyes. Oh, yeah, he's ready to, like, take over the world. He's ready to play Wembley. Did they ever play Wembley?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I hope so. Or. I mean, what were they doing?

[Zach Woods]

What were they doing?

[Bridger Weiniger]

What could they have possibly been? Okay, well, tell me why you brought this. This is so beautiful.

[Zach Woods]

I think it's a beautiful book.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And I think, oh, Osama bin Laden.

[Zach Woods]

Okay, there he is.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Let's see.

[Zach Woods]

It's sad to look at. It'll say which one's him, but there's the bin Laden family all together, having a good time. It's so weird.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Wow. Yeah.

[Zach Woods]

Just.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, they look like the Partridge Family or something.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. Isn't it strange? It's so Westernized, too. It's not like. But I think. I guess I was just trying to think, since we've never met, something that I felt reflected stuff I'm. Oh, shit. If you open the front cover, the whole book is black and white. But no, no, no, Just the jacket part. It matches your outfit.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, it kind of does. Look how nice that is.

[Zach Woods]

Look at that. And the background.

[Bridger Weiniger]

This is beautiful.

[Zach Woods]

But I was gonna say, I think it reflects my. What I hope to cold in my head whenever I'm meeting anyone or being met by someone, which usually happens at the same time. It's just the kind of, like, delicate, vulnerable thing. Especially if, like, a podcast, like, I don't do that many podcasts. Partly because I feel shy and partly because I feel like I'm not sure which version of myself I'm supposed to bring.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's an interesting Thing who you become on a podcast, right? It's like the you but just like slightly cocained. It's like this is the person I wish I could be all the time that I can think of things to talk about and then in public I'm like, everything I say is two words long and I can barely communicate with people.

[Zach Woods]

I think the takeaway is you just have to start doing a little bit of cocaine all the time.

[Bridger Weiniger]

There's a reason I don't do cocaine. It's because I need it and it will ruin me.

[Zach Woods]

I think. Yeah. So it's just trying to. Something I trying to do with varying results is. It's funny, like when I did press in the past for like TV shows that came out, I again talked to my therapist. I was like, man, I feel like such a whore. I just feel like no disrespect to sex workers, but I felt like a whore, like an old strumpet. And just like I go out and I do my self deprecating story and I'm just such a putz. But she. And I don't know how to not feel like a dirty little, like, I don't know, sales boy, right? And she said this thing I thought was so great. She was like, when you go out onto one of these shows, just like sit down and look at the host in the eye, which is now the.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Strongest eye contact two people could possibly have.

[Zach Woods]

Well, there's no getting away from it. She said, try and find something lovable about them because then you can have a moment of human warmth that exists on television and it's not gonna change the world, but it'll be a nice little moment. And I think not allowing the noise of my own self consciousness or the situation to drown out the kind of little kid versions of me or other people is something I try to do. In this case, it's very easy because you guys are so lovely and it's a beautiful day and we're having this really nice conversation. But then sometimes it'll be in a situation where it's a real kind of Olympic feat to not become a shrieky nightmare version of yourself.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And that's kind of what you're known as, kind of a shrieky nightmare. That's what people say about Zach Woods.

[Zach Woods]

I'm having lunch with Les Moonvests.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You're the last person that's having lunch with Les Moonves.

[Zach Woods]

Our table at the Polo Lounge is occupied and I'm going to throw a fit.

[Bridger Weiniger]

No, I understand that. And I also think, I mean podcasts are a little different because they can be more organic. But when you go on a late night show or whatever, you've got four minutes in front of a weird audience that's been standing outside in Times Square or Hollywood Boulevard, that you're like, who am I entertaining here? Why are any of us here?

[Zach Woods]

Right. If you're lucky, they think you're Zach Braff and they give you some of his goodwill.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Right?

[Zach Woods]

And it's pre interviews, too. That's the other thing that's so fascinating is the pre interview thing where you sort of vet stories in advance, basically.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Do the exact thing that's going to happen with the host.

[Zach Woods]

Right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But you're speaking with the producer first. Fascinating thing.

[Zach Woods]

It's an interesting thing. I remember I never read this book because I'm too lazy, but there's a George Saunders book about writing. My friend Brandon Gardner, who I write everything we work on together with, he told me that George Saunders says that if you're outlining like for a writer, it's almost like if you went on a date with index cards, with things that you were gonna say on the date, where it's like, it cuts you off from the present moment so that you're not actually in a flow, you're just like holding fast to your little social life preserver, right? And I think like a pre interview is a little bit like that where it's like, okay, now I say this instead of just being like, what's gonna happen. You're right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, it's literally there on cards in front of the host.

[Zach Woods]

Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, you're right. It actually is on cards.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Y. Yeah. I feel like those late night shows need to get away from it. Let's get back to like those 70s interviews where it's just beginning to end. One conversation with a person.

[Zach Woods]

That's a great idea. Those old Dick Cavett shows.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Incredible.

[Zach Woods]

So good.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. We've got to play a game.

[Zach Woods]

Let's play a game.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I would keep you here all day, but, you know, this is fun.

[Zach Woods]

I'm having a nice time. Thank you for having me.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm having a wonderful time. Thank you for being here. New year. Let's play. Let's start with Gift or a Curse. I need a number between one and ten from you. Okay. I have to do some light calculating while I do this. You can recommend, promote, do whatever you want. I'll be right back.

[Zach Woods]

So Brandon and I. Brandon, the guy I was just talking about, made this stop motion show with Mike Judge called in the know and it Takes place in an NPR studio. And it's made with these crazy, beautiful stop motion puppets that were made by the same people who did Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio. And what's crazy about stop motion is like, each character is played by the person who voices them. And then like 30 people all make each person come alive. So you see little pieces of each of their personalities in each of the puppets. And I think something that I like about stories is that sometimes they can show that people are more than one thing, that they're not just one identity or one. I'm making this sound so heavy, and it's like a goofy show about NPR and, like, has a lot of dick jokes and stuff, so. But anyway, there's all these characters that have been done by all these puppeteers who are geniuses, and I think it's hopefully a warm show and funny, and so I hope people watch it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It looks delightful. And any animation that's not CGI I'm on board with.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

When it feels at least like humans were involved for part of the experience, it's always refreshing.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. It's not like a screensaver made by an AI or something.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Right, right.

[Zach Woods]

But yeah. And it's on January 25th. It's going to be on Peacock.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Peacock. Been watching the Traders on Peacock. So I've got my subscription. Is that what we're calling these things? I was going to say prescription.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah, but that's a pharmacist gave you a Peacock account.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Beautiful. Everyone go watch that. My recommendation this week. I mean, we talked about this already, so I might as well say there's a song called on and on by Long Pigs. It's such a wonderful song. Old song. If you want to just be devastated, go listen to this song.

[Zach Woods]

And long pig, I think, was that a slang for human? Right. They would call it long pig.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Is true.

[Zach Woods]

Someone told me that. That it was like long pig. I don't know where I heard that from, but I remember hearing that that's what they call humans. Or maybe it was like dead humans.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Or something they called humans. Who else? Who's calling?

[Zach Woods]

Is that Constable?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay, this is how we play Gift or a curse. I'm name three things you're going to tell me if they are a gift or a curse and why. And then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong, because there are correct answers.

[Zach Woods]

Good.

[Bridger Weiniger]

All right, number one, this is from a listener named Parker. Gift or curse? People who say goose pimples or goose flesh instead of goose bumps.

[Zach Woods]

Curse. Why because the morbid fascination with acne has to stop. Dr. Pimple Popper. All this fucking stuff, it's like. To me, it's like one rung below snuff films. I would prefer you watch old 16 millimeter of people being killed. Thrill killed. Then watch that shit. It's subhuman.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Excellent beginning to the game. Both of those are disgusting ways to describe it. I don't need those images in my head. And, yeah, I really would rather watch somebody be stabbed to death than watch a pimple get exploded. No, thank you.

[Zach Woods]

No, thank you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Thank you. Excellently played. Number two, this is from a listener named Rebecca. Gift or a curse? Introducing two of your friends from different circles and later discovering they've become quite close and hang out often.

[Zach Woods]

Well, this presupposes that you have more than one friend, which puts me out of contention first.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Huge stretch for you.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. I can't. I think it's a gift. I think it's definitely a gift. That could feel like a curse, depending on how fragile you are in any given moment. It's beautiful when people love each other and you want people to connect, especially people you adore. But if you're feeling like a negligible little scrap or an unlovable goblin person, then you might have abandonment anxieties that are activated by two people who you know to be beautiful pairing up without you, so.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, Zach. Wrong.

[Zach Woods]

Oh, no. It's a curse.

[Bridger Weiniger]

What a betrayal. Now you're better friends than we are. What's happening to. I set this thing. I didn't mean to set this thing up. And now suddenly you're just doing things in the shadows without me sanctioning it.

[Zach Woods]

You know what?

[Bridger Weiniger]

No, no, no. Unless I say I'm setting you two up as friends. Yes, that's a different story. But if we're just, you know, we kind of mush together, and then suddenly you're out to dinner with these people and I didn't get invited.

[Zach Woods]

What is wrong with those perverts?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, absolutely sick. Disgusting.

[Zach Woods]

They're sick people.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Perverted behavior. And although I actually did this to a friend, but, you know, we all have our demons. I like my. You know, I like to dip my toe in version, and so I'm okay to do it, but curse. So you do lose it. And we hate to see it.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah, I hate to see it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Number three, this is from a listener named Mark. Gift or a curse? Lottery tickets as gifts.

[Zach Woods]

Curse.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Why?

[Zach Woods]

Didn't say. I think I heard someone say that lottery tickets are a tax on hope and who Wants to give your friends a tax of any kind, let alone one on hope as a gift. It's also like both. You're probably. Statistically, you're probably gifting disappointment. And at best, you're gifting the least personal gift card that could possibly exist. At least get them, like a gift card to outback or something. But don't be like, hey, this is probably worth less than nothing. But. But also, if it is something, it will be totally anonymous.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So. Correct.

[Zach Woods]

Thank you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Total curse. Yeah, it's either worthless. This is what a lottery ticket is. It's either worthless or it's going to ruin my life, because that's what we know with a lottery. So you either want me to win the, you know, the mega millions, and then suddenly my life is falling apart because I don't know how to handle that much money, or I've got a piece of paper that I just have to throw away and I've got the. The little silver dust that I had to scratch off with my fingernail.

[Zach Woods]

You know, I never thought about it that way. Because then you're right. You win the lottery and then you're like, probably you become the kidnapping target.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, completely.

[Zach Woods]

Someone wants you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So many people want you. I mean, you get to be probably. You could be on lottery Dream home on hgtv, which I've consumed a decent amount of.

[Zach Woods]

Joanna Gaines.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That is not Joanna Gaines. That's a man who. I don't know his name. Heavily tattooed man that wears a lot of kind of flowy coats, and then he helps people.

[Zach Woods]

Chris Angel.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's Chris Angel. Angel has pivoted. He is helping people find homes. He's. He loves real estate. Oh, my God. That's a great idea.

[Zach Woods]

The ultimate mind freak is an affordable mortgage.

[Bridger Weiniger]

We have got to develop that for Chris. I don't know what else he's doing.

[Zach Woods]

I don't know, man. We probably don't even know the necromancy he's up to in the show.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You can help people find homes in the Vegas area.

[Zach Woods]

That's cool.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Exclusively Vegas suburbs.

[Zach Woods]

I would honestly, for real, watch a show where magicians help people find homes.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? That would be on. I would just leave that on, like one of those fish tank screensavers. That would just be on my TV all the time. Well, you got two out of three.

[Zach Woods]

That's not so bad.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's really not too bad.

[Zach Woods]

It's a 66.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's a 66, and that's not an F. And so you can, you know, Go to community college and get your grades up and then maybe transfer to a different school. You can do whatever you want with the 66. There's no one stopping you. No, you don't have to go to summer school.

[Zach Woods]

I refuse.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You absolutely refuse. Okay, this is the final segment of the podcast. It's called I said no emails. People write in to isaidnogiftsmail.com and they're desperate for answers.

[Zach Woods]

I like that. I am overconfident and prescriptive.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And we're gonna need that today because. Let me read this. It says, hello, Bridger and guest, since you answer every question perfectly. Oh, that's very nice. I was hoping you would offer.

[Zach Woods]

Someone's flirting.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Someone wants to kiss me.

[Zach Woods]

Stop trying to kiss him. Email is not the way to do it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Stop chasing me around. I was hoping you would offer your wisdom on the situation I found myself in. I cannot think of anyone more qualified to help me with this. Okay, the teasing continues. I started at a company just three months ago, and last week my husband. Oh, and now there's a husband involved. And the. Oh, this is.

[Zach Woods]

I mean, the forbidden. What is more enticing?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Nothing's more enticing than me.

[Zach Woods]

There you go. And I got bad news. Writer. He's results oriented. So if you're just trying to live in a liminal space of provocation, look out.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Not happening. Last week, my husband and I found out we are expecting our second child. While we are excited about this, it was unplanned and the timing is tricky as I'm still new in my position. I'm struggling on the timing and manner in which I share this news with my new boss.

[Zach Woods]

Oh, wow.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I am also dealing with the common symptom of pregnancy illness, and I'm concerned I will have to tell him sooner rather than later due to how ill I've been. Do I schedule a meeting, tell him in passing, not tell him, and just call out sick for weeks after the birth? Maybe a gift would be appropriate in this situation. I anxiously am awaiting your response. And that's from Hannah. What does Hannah do? Pregnant Hannah?

[Zach Woods]

Well, I will say I do think more women should come to me for advice about prenatal issues, childcare, as this say, childless man.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You're a pro.

[Zach Woods]

I'm definitely the guy who has sage advice. I'm basically a doula. I. I think my first piece of advice would be to ignore whatever I say next. And my second piece of advice.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Take the advice.

[Zach Woods]

Terrifying. I guess my advice would be, she wants to know when to Tell him and how to tell him right when and how.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And she's been at the job for three months, so she's still kind of new girl in town.

[Zach Woods]

Intuitively, I feel like it should be someplace quiet where it's just the two of them in person.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay. Intimate.

[Zach Woods]

I'm not saying you have to, like, you know, just like an office would do, but I think just feeling like you can connect, I think trying to, like, toss that off in a casual way. If it were me and I had something as, like, vulnerable and life altering as that, and I, like, was like, oh, P.S. da, da, da, da, da. For me, it would make me feel a little bit like I'd handled myself kind of roughly.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Right.

[Zach Woods]

Regardless of that other person's response. So. So we can't control what Keith. Her boss name is Keith. Right. We can't control what Keith does. He might react very poorly. He might be very supportive. We don't know him well enough. It's only been a few months, but we know that for Hannah's sake, Hannah needs to do Hannah. And Hannah needs to approach this in a situation that feels like it maximizes mental health for Hannah and the baby. Baby. I'm not a fan of that baby.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Who cares about this baby? It's created a problem.

[Zach Woods]

He, he, she, whatever. This baby was not planned and is an intruder in the family.

[Bridger Weiniger]

She showed up three months into the job and is now, I mean, just causing chaos wherever it goes.

[Zach Woods]

It's undermining you professionally and I do mean it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It wants the job.

[Zach Woods]

This baby's trying to snake you. I swear to God, look on monster.com and if you see a fetus, it's.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Got an incredible profile. It's badgering Keith. Look at my cv. Is that what that's called?

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. Cv.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Cv.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I haven't applied for a while.

[Zach Woods]

If you hear like an email alert from within your womb, just know that that baby just got an email back. A second interview with Keith.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. I think your advice here is good. I think you tell Keith, Hope that he fires you and then sue him into oblivion.

[Zach Woods]

Oh, that's beautiful.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Take the company down.

[Zach Woods]

Yes. And she works for unicef. That's right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes.

[Zach Woods]

Rip them to pieces.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Hannah, it's about time. Come on. Goodbye, Eunice.

[Zach Woods]

Take them for all they're worth. When they're done, they won't have a pot to piss in. Hannah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, I think that's good advice. And I think until the big reveal, carry a huge bag of groceries around, just cover up, make sure nobody knows, and then you drop it on the floor. Keith, I'm pregnant. He fires you, and now you're in court.

[Zach Woods]

Maybe you preempt it. You go, keith, I'm pregnant. You pig.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You freak. You sick freak.

[Zach Woods]

Firing me.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I always hated you.

[Zach Woods]

Oh, I'm fired. It's almost like the David Letterman thing where it's like you're stalking me. It's like, so, Keith, I hear you're firing me for being pregnant. Let him back foot him.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Let him sue you first, then countersue. He'll never see it coming.

[Zach Woods]

He's a fool.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You will be tied up in court for years. This baby will go through high school before you get out of this, and everyone will be ruined.

[Zach Woods]

Yeah. And that is where all of my advice inevitably leads is to the.

[Bridger Weiniger]

This universal ruin just kind of a life wasted. Excellent advice. I think Hannah's on her way to. I mean, working girl, working girl.

[Zach Woods]

My most urgent piece of advice is stop flirting with Bridger.

[Bridger Weiniger]

With me. I mean, come on. I mean, it's tacky, it's gauche, and it's hideous. Yeah. Hannah's ultimately a gross, pregnant, fired, suing person, and I don't want her to ever write back in again. Hannah, get out of my life. Zach, I've had such a wonderful time with you.

[Zach Woods]

It's really lovely.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And I've now got this beautiful little book that if I were to just lay on the table, people might be mildly confused when they just see that I have children. But there'll be a lot of explaining to do.

[Zach Woods]

That's right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And that creates conversation.

[Zach Woods]

There you go. And you don't even have to do cocaine.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, this would be a nice little thing to do cocaine off of, actually. Okay.

[Zach Woods]

You really do. Yeah. I see why you don't do cocaine. It's like, really just a thought away. Every waking moment.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm just brainstorming ways to get this stuff in my nose. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you.

[Zach Woods]

I had a great time. Thanks for having me. Thank you, listener.

[Bridger Weiniger]

The podcast is over. You know, it's over. You're denying it. You're trying to get on with your. You know, you're not trying to. You're delaying. You're. I need you to stop listening. I've got to get you off the podcast and doing something else. Get out of here. I love you. Goodbye. I said no Gifts is an exactly right production. It's produced by our dear friend Anneliese Nelson, and it's beautifully mixed by Ben Tolliday. And we couldn't do it with without our guest booker Patrick Cotner. The theme song, of course, could only come from miracle worker Amy Mann. You must follow the show on Instagram at isaidnogifts. I don't want to hear any excuses. That's where you get to see pictures of all these gorgeous gifts I'm getting. And don't you want to see pictures of the gifts?

[Tim Allen]

Well, I invited you here, thought I made myself perfect. Perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you got to come to me empty handed. I said no guest. Your presence is present enough. And I already had too much stuff, so how do you dare disobey me?