Brooks Wheelan Disobeys Bridger

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Brooks Wheelan Disobeys Bridger"
I Said No Gifts! A Comedy Interview Podcast with Bridger Winegar
Release Date: January 2, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of I Said No Gifts!, Bridger Winegar welcomes comedian Brooks Wheelan to his backyard for a lively and humorous conversation. As per the podcast's unique twist, Bridger requested "No gifts," but, as always, Brooks brings not one but three wrapped presents, setting the stage for entertaining banter.

Car Purchase Adventures ([03:00] - [04:23])

Brooks kicks off the conversation by sharing his recent escapade of buying a car from a friend, bypassing traditional dealerships.

• Brooks: "I just wrote a check, a normal check, minutes ago for $18,500. And you can just do that." ([03:57])

Bridger expresses skepticism about buying cars from friends, highlighting the trust factor.

• Bridger: "I wouldn't trust him with a car." ([03:06])

Despite the challenges, Brooks navigates the process smoothly, albeit humorously lamenting his hectic day of car-related tasks.

Cycling in LA and Accidental Mishaps ([04:24] - [09:04])

The duo delves into Brooks' passion for biking in Los Angeles, discussing the dynamics between cyclists, pedestrians, and drivers.

• Brooks: "I love riding bikes, man. It's my favorite way to get around town." ([05:22])

However, Brooks recounts a recent biking accident where he hit a pothole, leading to a visit to the emergency room and the shocking discovery that his health insurance had lapsed due to industry strikes and the pandemic.

• Brooks: "I feel dumber that I don't have health insurance than anything." ([08:47])

Pro Wrestling Passion ([09:04] - [17:37])

Brooks shares his enthusiasm for professional wrestling, reminiscing about events like the lucha libre matches in LA and recalling iconic matches from his youth.

• Brooks: "I've been to, yeah, I love pro wrestling." ([14:42])

They discuss the political leanings of wrestling legends like The Undertaker and the positive transformations of former wrestlers like Diamond Dallas Page, who now runs a successful yoga program.

The Rocky Cave Tour Guide Experience ([17:37] - [36:25])

A significant portion of the episode focuses on Brooks' tumultuous experience as a cave tour guide at Crystal Lake Cave in Iowa. He humorously details his disdain for the job, the strict and unpleasant manager, and the peculiar incidents that occurred during his tenure.

• Brooks: "It was such a trigger. And this woman, every time she pissed me off, I made a rule. I'm like, I'm fucking stealing something from her." ([30:08])

Bridger and Brooks laugh over stories of stolen cave artifacts, encounters with mischievous squirrels, and the overall misery of the job, painting a vivid picture of a less-than-ideal workplace.

Camping and Outdoor Escapes ([36:25] - [51:42])

Transitioning from cave tours, Brooks discusses his love for camping and outdoor activities as a means of escaping stress and seeking solitude.

• Brooks: "At least once a month." ([27:03])

They exchange stories about camping mishaps, wildlife encounters, and the therapeutic benefits of nature, with Bridger admitting his fears of animal attacks despite Brooks' adventurous spirit.

Expired Mustard Gift Unwrapping ([39:15] - [43:10])

True to the podcast's theme, Brooks presents Bridger with a set of expired mustards, leading to a humorous examination of their questionable flavors.

• Bridger: "I feel like this is not a thing." ([67:16])
• Brooks: "They're slightly different variations." ([39:19])

The duo taste-tests the mustards—Belgian ale, spicy sriracha, and honey pineapple—and debates their potential uses, ultimately agreeing that these expired condiments are more of a comedic curse than a useful gift.

Gift or Curse Game ([61:08] - [83:25])

Bridger and Brooks engage in a playful game segment called "Gift or Curse," where they evaluate listener-submitted scenarios.

1. Vow Renewals ([63:58] - [65:01])

   • Bridger: Rates it as a gift, appreciating the sentimental value despite potential underlying relationship issues.
   • Brooks: Initially thinks it's a curse but is corrected by Bridger.

2. Server Asking for Dressing Without Listing Options ([66:51] - [68:05])

   • Bridger: Declares it a gift, finding humor in the guessing game and the waiter’s assumption of the diner's preferences.
   • Brooks: Agrees, enjoying the interactive challenge.

3. Calling Your Partner "The Boss" ([68:50] - [70:44])

   • Bridger: Labels it a gift, embracing the playful dynamic.
   • Brooks: Supports the idea, albeit with comedic reservations about workplace relationships.

Throughout the game, Bridger and Brooks infuse humor and relatable insights, engaging listeners with their witty exchanges and diverse perspectives.

Listener Q&A: Family Therapist Seeking Non-Capitalist Activities ([79:05] - [82:55])

Bridger and Brooks tackle a listener's heartfelt question from a family therapist struggling with limited resources due to organizational greed. They offer satirical and comedic solutions, suggesting community service and creating a common enemy to foster family bonding.

• Bridger: "Maybe a little more protection. Well, it's also the country's fault." ([09:04])

Their responses blend humor with a touch of social commentary, providing an entertaining take on a serious issue.

Conclusion and Final Banter ([82:55] - End)

As the episode winds down, Bridger and Brooks reflect on their enjoyable yet chaotic day filled with mustards, wrestling tales, and campfire stories. They reiterate the podcast's core theme of "No Gifts," despite the funny violation, and sign off with light-hearted remarks about future activities and interactions.

• Bridger: "Thank you for being here. And throw these in the cupboard and see what happens to them." ([83:09])

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Brooks on Health Insurance: "I feel dumber that I don't have health insurance than anything." ([08:47])
• Brooks on Pro Wrestling: "I love riding bikes, man. It's my favorite way to get around town." ([05:22])
• Brooks on Cave Tours: "It was such a trigger. And this woman, every time she pissed me off, I made a rule. I'm like, I'm fucking stealing something from her." ([30:08])
• Bridger on Gift Unwrapping: "I feel like this is not a thing." ([67:16])

Closing Remarks

This episode masterfully intertwines Brooks Wheelan's comedic anecdotes with Bridger Winegar's sharp wit, delivering a rich and engaging experience for listeners. From car purchases and cycling woes to wrestling passions and the misadventures of cave tours, the conversation flows seamlessly, punctuated by humorous insights and memorable quotes. Despite the "No Gifts" rule, Brooks' thoughtful (albeit expired) presents add an extra layer of fun, embodying the podcast's true crime comedy spirit.

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Subscribe to I Said No Gifts! on your preferred podcast platform and follow Bridger on Instagram @isaydonogifts for behind-the-scenes glimpses and updates.

Transcript

[A]

This is exactly right. Build a routine with Ollie that supports your wellness needs, like getting your daily vitamins and minerals with Ollie's multigummies or keeping your mood upbeat with all the vitamin D and hello happy. Give your gut health some support with probiotics and wake up feeling refreshed after taking Ollie sleep. Do wellness on your terms. Find Ollie at a Walmart or Target near you [e-mail] these statements have not been evaluated by the food and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Abc, Wednesday. Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in the new family comedy Shifting Gears. Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like. So a couple of days when his daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird. I was 18. The double bird was how I ended all our conversation. The wheels come off. Can we try to talk to each other like rational adults? Have you watched the news lately? That's not a thing anymore. Series premieres Wednesday, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu. When I invited you here, I thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you got to come to me empty handed. I said no gifts.

[B]

Your presence is presence enough.

[A]

And I already had too much stuff, so how do you dare disobey me?

[B]

Welcome to I said no gifts. I'm Bridger Weiniger. We're in the backyard. I'm in a sweatshirt for the first time in months. The weather is calling for it. Feels like the air quality is probably an F minus. It's. Who knows what's going to happen to my throat. What else is going on? Oh, yesterday was the we're only one day out from the I was bullied into getting the photos taken at JC Penney by you and it went beautifully. We have to thank John Carlo at the JCPenney Portrait Studio. He what a great attitude. I would consider him probably my number one creative collaborator at this point. Just a wonderful presence and hopefully his career continues to flourish. Is there anything else that's happening? Not that I can remember or care about. I'd rather get into the podcast. I adore today's guest. I think he's so funny. It's Brook Sweeland.

[A]

That's very nice, Bridget. Thanks for having me.

[B]

Thanks for coming. How are you doing?

[A]

Good. I just bought a car 20 minutes ago.

[B]

20 minutes ago?

[A]

Yeah, at Whitmer's. Whitmer Thomas.

[B]

Wow. He sold you a car? I wouldn't trust him with a car. No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Well, I had an old. I had a 2012 Subaru Outback that I bought new, and I drove it for 200,000 miles, and it, like, the transmission broke.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

So all the lights were going off. It still kind of runs.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And we had like, a 20, 21 Subaru Outback. And he's like, I want a new car. And I was like, I'll just buy your car, dude. And so we. We looked up how much his car would be if he traded. If he traded it in. And then I paid him 500 more dollars.

[B]

Wow. What a good friend.

[A]

So we circumvented the dealership, Right?

[B]

Wow. Yeah, I feel like I would have a hard time buying from a friend because I would want to talk them down as much as possible.

[A]

Oh, no. He was like, how's this sound? I go, that sounds great. And then. But, yeah, I just wrote a check, a normal check, minutes ago for $18,500. And you can just do that.

[B]

What a feeling. Yeah. You can write any number you want on a check.

[A]

It was crazy. I'm like, I. This isn't. And it's also such a lateral move. I had a car, so it's not like I'm behaving excited.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I'm just like, what the fuck? All right, here you go.

[B]

Yeah. Usually there's like, at least an hour of after buying a car, you're like, this is a new life. Something's changed for me.

[A]

No, no, no. I have another car at his house now. After this, I'm gonna go over there, drive that car to, like, CarMax.

[B]

Okay. Right.

[A]

Get as much as I can for that. I don't know, $500? I don't know. Broken. That does to a car value. Probably bad. And then ride my bike back over here to this car, then go to the dmv, get it registered.

[B]

I hate your day.

[A]

Right? Yeah. And then call Geico and get my insurance on it. This is just a hell day.

[B]

Where is carmax? Because I think. Oh, that's a lot.

[A]

I got my bike.

[B]

How. How far of a bike ride is that? Several miles.

[A]

No, that's not bad. I mean, probably like 10.

[B]

10. You must be a real bike rider.

[A]

I used to live, like, really close to here in Glass El, and I would ride my bike every day to work in Burbank Abso Studios.

[B]

Yeah. So that's about 10 miles every day.

[A]

Be about. It's like, yeah, there and back was like 28 each day.

[B]

Oo, have you got a helmet on?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Okay, good. I'd like to hear that. I haven't been on a bike in a long time, and I almost got pressured into riding one recently, and I wasn't sure if a helmet was going to come into play.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

I was so scared.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then it didn't happen, so I'm safe.

[A]

I love. Yeah, I love riding bikes, man. It's my favorite thing. It's my favorite way to get around town.

[B]

I. Yeah, I can't remember. I guess I rode one in Palm Springs briefly. It was more of a casual. Through a neighborhood. So I think that that's the one time I can ride without a helmet.

[A]

Oh, for sure.

[B]

But I mean, riding to Burbank. What are you doing? Like, what is that path even?

[A]

No. Well, there's a bike path.

[B]

There's a bike path.

[A]

Yeah. Right by the LA River.

[B]

It's really nice. Of course, I do a lot of walking along that little path.

[A]

That's a perfect bike path.

[B]

And I'm always in the way of a bike.

[A]

We were. Yeah, yeah. Those people who scream around in that bike path, they need to check themselves. Okay. Because they go by like, spoke, you know? Spoke.

[B]

Oh, yeah, of course. The best little coffee bike.

[A]

Coffee, beer, burgers. And people congregate outside there. And people are doing, like, time trials, like, right outside of it being like, you're on the thing. I'm like, you gotta slow down around here.

[B]

No, no, no, no. That's not for time trials.

[A]

No, exactly.

[B]

Find your own little track. It's for everything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Casual walking, pushing a stroller, for sure.

[A]

Yeah. And people on bikes who get mad. It's like, dude, we are the. Like, I love riding bikes, so I don't want to give people a bad fucking time with a bike rider or whatever. An experience.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm always like, if. If a car, like, gets in my way a little bit, I'm like, that's okay. You're bigger than me. You know, if somebody steps out, I'm like, that's all right. Like, I'm out there trying to put out good vibes for the bike people.

[B]

I like to hear this because it is a very sensitive subject between cars, bikes, and people. I feel like we're all constantly mad at each other and thinking it's the other person's fault and we're all in danger of each other in a way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think it's because your adrenaline is through the roof in any of These situations, and so you're just immediately ready to be mad at the other person.

[A]

You know what? I love Jurassic Park. The first one. And in the opening scene where you see all the dinosaurs and there's little dinosaurs running underneath, big dinosaurs, I was always like, that's so crazy. But then I realized that's what we do. That's another fucking highway with motorcycles and buses and semis. Like, we're doing the opening in Jurassic park every fucking day.

[B]

Have you been in a bike accident before?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Big time.

[B]

What happened?

[A]

So I'm rocking this basket life now. I got a basket.

[B]

Fantastic. I love.

[A]

This is. Yeah, I brought my.

[B]

This is that. You take that off of the bike.

[A]

That goes in the front of the. In front of the bike? Yeah, I strap it and. I didn't strap it down. Was riding, hit a pothole. This guy bounced. Oh, I went. So I hit it went over the bars and, like, landed on my elbow.

[B]

Oh, my God. This is. Is this recent?

[A]

Yeah, this was fourth of July.

[B]

Yeah. Because that's a pretty red.

[A]

No, it sucks. So I thought I exploded my elbow, like, truly was like, okay. This is. This is like a absolute, like, shattered elbow. So this is a terrible story. So I go to the. I go to the emergency room. They do all this stuff. It just turns out to be like an intuition or something. Like just joint effusion is what it was.

[B]

Just severe swelling of this.

[A]

Yeah, severe swelling of. Swelling of the joint. Great. And then that's when I found out they're like, oh, yeah, you're a. Health insurance. Ran out. You don't have health insurance. I was like, what the fuck?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's an $18,000 check.

[A]

Yeah. I had no idea like, that I didn't have health insurance. I had. Because we have SAG forever, you know?

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

And then.

[B]

But these places will just let you.

[A]

They just let me. I was like, you gotta let me know.

[B]

So what did you do?

[A]

I fucking had to pay it out of pocket.

[B]

How much did that cost?

[A]

It wasn't too bad. It was a few thousand dollars.

[B]

Okay. But still, what a shock. I would be so mad.

[A]

I just feel dumber that I don't have health insurance than anything. It made me feel like, really like a bad adult.

[B]

I mean, I think in the entertainment industry, it can happen at any moment.

[A]

Well, they were like. I, like, called sag and they're like, yeah, you haven't made, like, enough money over these last three years. I'm like, you know, with the strike and the Fucking.

[B]

Yeah. Can we mention the strike?

[A]

And then, you know, the global pandemic where nobody, you know, okay.

[B]

There have to be some exceptions to these things. I also, I feel like there's like a cap on. Because you obviously contribute when you get paid for these things. And I feel like. Isn't there like a cap? Tom Cruise only pays up to so much. I have no idea that that sort of person needs to be paying just as much percentage as the rest of us.

[A]

Hey, that's. That's good. That's good politics.

[B]

I'm here to say this is. I'm starting my platform now and on based on something I barely know about.

[A]

Right. And I know I don't know anything about like health insurance and stuff like that.

[B]

Well, I just saw that. I think it was. I could be wrong. Like James Vanderbeek or something no longer has health insurance and is now like selling merch for his health insurance. It's like these. I mean, God bless these guilds and these unions for a lot of things, but sometimes it's like maybe a little more protection. Well, it's also the country's fault.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. No country. Anyway. Yeah, I have been in a bike wreck and it sucked.

[B]

Was there blood everywhere?

[A]

No, it was. I was actually. This is like a really good shout out for Patagonia. I was wearing a Patagonia like jacket and it didn't like my. I hit my elbow and my feeling my skin broke, but not the fucking jacket. It stayed intact. So blood in this jacket. I'm like, this is a good. This is a good jacket.

[B]

It's a great bandage.

[A]

Yeah. So it was just like a lot of blood all over my jacket.

[B]

Do you still have the jacket?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Is it bloodstained?

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

That's kind of. That's kind of exciting, to be honest.

[A]

My buddy Mike Burns, he's a really good comic. He got stabbed one time outside his house. He got robbed and I stabbed him in the back and what?

[B]

Oh, yeah, well, we'll look at that in a minute.

[A]

But yeah, stabbed him and he would wear that jacket later. And it had a cool old knife.

[B]

Oh, my God. The coolest possible hole you can have.

[A]

It was a very cool worn in denim jacket.

[B]

I mean, what time of day did he get stabbed?

[A]

Night.

[B]

Yeah, I guess that's.

[A]

That's when most of stabbings go.

[B]

And did they get away with anything?

[A]

Yeah, they didn't catch. The guy took his wallet.

[B]

They took his wallet?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Wow. I mean, that's a. I mean a high stakes thing. To take somebody's wallet.

[A]

He's like. When the guy stabbed him, Burns said, he goes, you fucking stabbed me.

[B]

Just take whatever you want. You don't need to hurt me. I would give up anything before being stabbed.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Wow, that's a bad robbery.

[A]

I mean, their ethics got away. Yeah, don't stab. Just don't stab.

[B]

Just threaten, threaten. Start with a nice threat, threaten, and then go from there. If you're not willing to give up the money, then maybe turn to actual violence.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Have you ever been, like, in a bad accident?

[B]

Have I been in a bad accident? If I have, I've forgotten it.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Which would be a horrible accident. I've been in a. During the pandemic, I got rear ended by a man. I can't say his full name. His middle name was Mallory and he was very sweet about it. I started crying even though he just rear ended.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it's just like a shock of like, oh, I don't know what's happening.

[A]

No, it's weird. Like getting in a car wreck because you feel safe in your car and you're like, these can get hit.

[B]

They can get hit all the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I mean, I've started getting really scared of being on planes. And I just keep reminding myself, well, I'm way more. I'm such a risk in my car to myself and others all the time. So hopefully this is okay.

[A]

That's how I feel about plane crashes, is I'm like, that. That's the way to go. Because it's not your fault.

[B]

It's not your fault. Nobody can blame you.

[A]

Yeah, that's all. Whenever I die, I wanted people to not be like, that's what you get.

[B]

Pretty embarrassing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I think a plane crash, you die. Like, you don't even experience it. Essentially give you a little light screaming and it's over.

[A]

I think my last words was, I always try to be too cool, you know, like. And I've truly. It was like, this plane goes down, People would be screaming. I'd be. I think my last words would be like, this is lame. You know, Like, I would just try to, like, no, thank you to this.

[B]

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I do think I would be probably the worst person on the plane. Everyone be like, just relax. Shut up. We're having a hard enough time on here already. Stop screaming. I was. Last year, we were flying back from. We were on. I think it's called Aer Lingus. It's an Irish airline. I'm gonna say it's a bad airline.

[A]

Oh yeah, for sure.

[B]

The scariest flight of my entire life. People were screaming on it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And what I ended up doing is I, I said I'm just going to put on some music I really enjoy and die to this.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

And then we landed and everything was fine. But it was to have people clap after lending because they thought everyone was going to die. It's such a feeling.

[A]

That's crazy. Yeah. One time I was flying from like Iowa to, to like Austin or something, you know. And then you're going to get some. Not a lot like LA to New York. Like everybody's. They. We make this trip often, Constantly.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But you flying out of, you know, Cedar Rapids, you're going to get a couple first time flyers.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I was a first time flyer and when I grew up in Cedar Rabbits there. But like we hit a little turbulence and this woman screamed out, let Christ's blood be on this plane. And I was like, what?

[B]

Oh, that's amazing.

[A]

Holy lady. What?

[B]

Relax. What is that even supposed to say?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I've never heard something like that.

[A]

Let Christ's blood be on this plane.

[B]

Wow. That's. That feels like she wants it to go down.

[A]

I don't know, man.

[B]

So gothic.

[A]

It was crazy.

[B]

Wow. Good for her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna start screaming that constantly.

[A]

Any sort of inconvenience. Let Christ's blood be in this podcast.

[B]

Why? That's merch. Have you been to Mexico City? No, I was there last week and I went to a. This is totally just a left turn, but I went to a lucha libre. Oh, wrestling match.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you been to any professional wrestling before?

[A]

A lot. I've been to, yeah, I love pro wrestling. I've been to the lucha libre one here in LA that they do. Yeah, it's every Halloween. I've gone a couple times. It's the fricking best.

[B]

What a feeling. Yeah, I felt so. I've never felt so free to boo. And I was on top of the world.

[A]

Oh my God. I love pro wrestling.

[B]

To just get to actively boo some.

[A]

I mean, a Mexico City pro wrestling event, that's going to be so fun.

[B]

Incredible.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they've got the dancing ladies. They've got. I mean everything about it was unlike anything I could have possibly imagined.

[A]

That's really fun. Yeah, that's a very fun story that you have now. That's more fun than being in an accident.

[B]

I think it's a one to one, I would say. How many like, when did you start going to wrestling matches as an adult or a kid?

[A]

Eighth grade, probably, as I grew up in Iowa, so it's not like they're really rocking through there a lot.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

But I remember, like, seeing, like, the Undertaker versus, like, Kane.

[B]

Oh, that's a very classic.

[A]

Seventh grade. I remember I bought a Stone Cold VHS and a Stone Cold middle finger instead of number one. He's giving the finger. And then I left my stone cold VHS, which was like 40 bucks. Oh. At in my seats at the Five Season center in Cedar Rapids. And, like, I had to, like, beg them to let me back in so I could go get my Stone Cold.

[B]

They let you get it back?

[A]

Oh, yeah. They knew it was frantic eyes.

[B]

Very valuable. Where's the Undertaker now? Do you think the Undertaker is heavily.

[A]

In politics and religious and has a podcast that Trump did the other day? I know, exactly. I wish I didn't know where the Undertaker was.

[B]

How do you know that show?

[A]

The Undertaker is very right wing politics and he's into Jesus. Now.

[B]

What's his actual name?

[A]

Fuck. What is this? Oh, gosh. I feel like an asshole for not knowing this because I've been, you know.

[B]

Every other detail about his biography.

[A]

Well, fuck, what is his name? The Undertaker. Can. I'll look it up. Mark William Calloway. Mark Calloway.

[B]

His first name's Mark.

[A]

Mark. Yep. Mark.

[B]

Mark. The Undertaker.

[A]

Yeah. Dude. Trump did his podcast and it was like Trump was just asking him about pro wrestling, and it was like, the most engaged I've ever seen. Donald Trump, he was like, now what happened? Have you ever really been hurt? He's like, yeah, a couple times. And I was like, this is where Trump should be. He should be doing this.

[B]

Doing the former wrestling podcast, asking questions.

[A]

Old people ask to cool rescue.

[B]

Wow, that's really interesting. And does the Undertaker still wear makeup or anything? Or is he, like, now got a buzz cut? No suit?

[A]

No. I don't think he's a rock in a suit, but all normal shit still. You know, the Dark Under Underlord or whatever.

[B]

That's a real. That's. That's hard to hear. That's hard to hear. Are there any pro wrestlers that have taken a good turn?

[A]

Foley. Yeah, he came out hard. Like, I love this shit. Mick Foley came out. He's like, I respect the Undertaker. I respect that we have different opinions, but, like, he's wrong, you know, like, there's like, ex wrestlers, like, beefing about politics. It's great.

[B]

Wow. I really like that. I'm trying to think of other.

[A]

Kane is a fucking. He's like a mayor of, like, Knoxville, Tennessee. Like, ran for governor and shit.

[B]

I mean, Jesse Ventura, I guess, is the most famous of all of them.

[A]

He did it. Yeah.

[B]

He was probably maybe one of the first to really, like.

[A]

Yeah, like, he straight up got Hulk Hogan to be like, I'm gonna be president. For real. Because he's like, the body is a governor. I'm Hulk. I can do president. And truthfully, it only took like four more years before, like, a different reality star was like, I'll be president. Did you know that parents rank financial literacy as the number one most difficult life skill to teach? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app for families. With greenlight, you can send money to kids quickly, set up chores automate allowance, and keep an eye on your kids spending with real time notifications. Kids learn to earn, save, and spend wisely. And parents can rest easy knowing their kids are learning about money. With guardrails in place, try Greenlight risk free [e-mail] Spotify. Oh, such a clutch off season pickup Dave. I was worried we'd bring back the same team. I meant those Blackout motorized shades. Blinds.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install. No, it's easy. I installed these and then got some for my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure and install hall of fame son. They're the number one online retailer of custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the goat shoplines.com right now.

[B]

And get up to 40% off select styles plus a free professional measure.

[A]

Rules and restrictions may apply for all.

[B]

Of that to kind of flow out of professional wrestling.

[A]

They're great.

[B]

None of us could have ever, ever possibly expected this to happen.

[A]

No.

[B]

Who else? I mean, I. Carl Malone was not a. He was more of a guest star. I remember him being a in him and Dennis Rodman.

[A]

Oh, right. Yeah.

[B]

It's kind of that weird crossover for a time. Who else did? I kind of. Those are the only ones I can name, I guess. Jake the Snake. Is he still alive?

[A]

Jake the Snake is in and out of like. I think so. Diamond Dallas Page runs like this really great rehab place.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I think Jake the Snake moved in there and got sober.

[B]

Wow. And rehab just for wrestlers?

[A]

I don't know. It's called DDP Yoga. He teaches yoga? Yeah. And save, like, you know, saving lives.

[B]

I want to hear about more good things that former pro wrestlers are doing.

[A]

Diamond Dallas Page is crushing it. Yeah. I think he's probably the. The most influential because, like, you know, wrestlers. It's such a fudgeing, crazy job. You know, you get addicted to pills, you have to go out there, keep fucking wrestling.

[B]

Head getting kind of slammed.

[A]

Yeah. Well, still, I mean, back pain and shit. And then ddp, like, teaches him how to do yoga and be so.

[B]

I'm like, so lovely. So lovely to hear. Did you ever wrestle in middle or.

[A]

High school in, like, actual wrestling?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That was, like, my whole life.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. My entire life was, like, college, Olympic wrestling.

[B]

How did we stumble upon this? This is wonderful.

[A]

I'm in Iowa.

[B]

Iowa is a big wrestling place.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. My brother's the head coach of West Des Moines Valley, which is the biggest high school in Iowa for wrestling.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I was just at a wrestling. Couple wrestling tournaments two weeks ago, what? With my nephews.

[B]

Incredible. And they're both wrestlers?

[A]

All three of them are, yeah. Wrestler. There's three of them.

[B]

Wrestling dynasty.

[A]

Yeah. I had two older brothers who are really good. They wrestled in college. I was decent, but, like, I wasn't good enough to wrestle Division one, so I'm like, I'm not going to go Division three.

[B]

Right. No, no, no, no.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And there's the movie. What's that movie? Foxcatcher. Does that take place in Iowa?

[A]

No, that's in Pennsylvania. That's John Dupont. I remember when fucking Dave Schultz was killed. Like, I remember the day. It was 1995, and my brother came home crying because he was his favorite wrestler. Dave Schultz got fucking murdered. And I was like, what? Because he was making a comeback for the Olympics in 96. I was all jacked up for that.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I have kind of like a weird memory of sitting in the dentist's office as a kid, like, flipping through Newsweek and seeing that.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, it was fucking crazy.

[B]

Yeah. That's. What an end to all of that.

[A]

Yeah. Foxcatcher was decent. It was good. It was a good movie. I liked it. The wrestling community, like, is so fudgeing up its own ass. They're like, that's not really realistic. I'm like, shut up. Up. We have a movie.

[B]

What did they get wrong about it? Did Steve Carell have some sort of prosthetic?

[A]

Was it a weird nose or something?

[B]

No. Okay. Yeah. I wonder what they got wrong about it.

[A]

Well, I mean, Hollywood told a story about, like, a really beloved American wrestler, and so the wrestling community is like, that's not what. I don't know. Any. People who know too much about something, they're like, it's not what happened, Idiot.

[B]

They had to get it into under two hours.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

And they had to make Steve Carell seem kind of likable.

[A]

Yeah, that's. Yeah, they were like. They, like, made his murder, like, likable or whatever. I'm like, yeah, it's fair. I had one of the best days. Did you ever, like. Have you ever had, like, a perfect New York day?

[B]

Of course. Of course.

[A]

Foxcatcher was part of my perfect New York day. One time.

[B]

What else happened?

[A]

I was just walking, and I knew the movie was coming out or in like. Or they were making it or something. And I was walking in on Houston in the Lower east side. I, like, dropped my girlfriend off at her job, like, walked her to work, and I had, like, the week off of us and all that week and was just walking, and then I saw, like, this. This theater I really like called Sunshine Theater.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's not around anymore, but it was that. It was on Houston in, like, a.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It was just, like, the perfect shitty theater. You can bring whatever you want in here.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

And I saw Foxcatcher. I was like, fox Catcher's out. It was like a Tuesday. I'm like, it's fucking out. Like, I'm so dialed into this world, and this movie's out. I was like, this is great. I went to the Whole Foods, got, like, two beers. Like, two fun beers, and, like, threw them in my pocket, went in, empty theater, just me, Foxcatcher, middle of the day, two fun beers. I, like, walked. I was like, new York is a magical city.

[B]

Oh, that's so.

[A]

It was so fun.

[B]

Yes, it sounds wonderful. Yeah, I was. I had kind of a. I wouldn't say a bad, but should have been better New York day. A couple of months ago. I went to this place called. I've kind of talked too much about on this podcast, Heart Island. Have you heard of this? Where they bury all of the unclaimed bodies. What? They buried, like, a million bodies there. Where? It's, like, up near the Bronx. You have to take a little ferry to it. They've just kind of opened it to the public for the first time in the last year, but. And I was very excited to go. They've ripped. There was also, like. Like, an insane asylum there at one point. There was a sanatorium.

[A]

Everybody who lives there's gonna be crazy bodies everywhere.

[B]

They tore down all the spooky buildings, which I wanted to see.

[A]

Yeah, they're like. It used to be a school, then it became an insane asylum.

[B]

Carnival.

[A]

This is crazy.

[B]

But we went out there, the wind was blasting, I ended up with a horrible cold. It was not the experience I was looking for.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It was not a perfect New York day, but I had to do it on Murder Island. Who would have thought?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It just wasn't as fun as I thought. No shit.

[B]

It wasn't kind of the light breezy day I was expecting. Yeah. I'm trying to think if I've ever, like, what really great New York days I've had. They're usually ones where you're just stumbling around and find things that you can't exactly.

[A]

You can't plan it. You just like, like, holy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Like, oh, here's something I want to eat. Everything's so easy.

[A]

It's also like, look, I. I don't love New York, but it is like the only city where you, in the middle of day can run into somebody completely on accident. And then you're both just like, you want to around all day now.

[B]

Feeling of the. There's nothing like it.

[A]

Yeah. That's not gonna happen in la.

[B]

I've tried to force it.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you can't force it.

[B]

Yeah, you can't. No one will get into it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've even tried to force, like. Because another thing I love about New York is just like texting someone, you want to get dinner now?

[A]

Right?

[B]

You want to do something now? I've tried that here maybe one in a hundred times. Does it work?

[A]

Dude. I had my other friend, Carmen, Christopher, the other day. I hit him up before a show. I was like, do you want to get dinner? And he was like, day of plans. I'm busy. I'm like, okay.

[B]

It makes me so mad.

[A]

We're going to the same show. Do you want to go an hour early? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I just think that if we all kind of just got on the same page and we just accepted that that could happen. It's possible.

[A]

It is possible.

[B]

It's. I've seen it happen once, so it must be able to happen again. Yeah, yeah. It's very frustrating for me because sometimes you just have the afternoon. You're like, why don't I do something?

[A]

Absolutely. Yeah. That's. I mean, yeah, Here.

[B]

It's just like, well, you'll be doing that thing alone for sure.

[A]

What I do love about L. A, the reason I live here and love it and don't live in New York City is I like California. Like, I like being able to be like, I don't got anything. Tomorrow I can go to Joshua Tree tonight.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

And just fudge around. Like, that's what I like. Because. But in New York, you're like, I got to stay.

[B]

Yes. You're kind of trapped on Prison Island.

[A]

Yes. It's an island.

[B]

And like, any out has to be a complete plan.

[A]

Yeah. Truly. I. I was having a melt. I was having like a meltdown over Thanksgiving. Like, what the year one of the years I was living there and I was like, I just got to get the out of here. There's no rental cars, so I had to rent a van and then drove it. Drove like a. Like a U Haul van. Like I was supposed to. I was like, I just gotta leave. Me and my girlfriend just drove it out to like, you know, some shitty lake, like fucking, I don't know, in the Catskills. And it's awful and it sucks so bad, but we're like, this is nice.

[B]

Like, of course it feels incredible. No matter how shitty.

[A]

I was. Like, if I drove from LA to this lake, I would be like, gross.

[B]

I've ruined my life.

[A]

Yeah. But out of New York I'm like, this is an incredible lake in a U Haul. Yeah.

[B]

Did you sleep in the van?

[A]

No, I had a tent. I like camping a lot.

[B]

Right, You're a very outdoorsy person.

[A]

Yeah, I dig it.

[B]

How often are you camping?

[A]

At least once a month.

[B]

Wow, that's incredible.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And is it mostly spontaneous camping or is it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's like that's why my old car broke is I just had kind of a little freak out and drove to Canada. Camping along the way.

[B]

Oh my God, we're in Canada.

[A]

Whistler.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like north of Vancouver.

[B]

Oh, sure. I feel like I've seen some beautiful photos.

[A]

Yeah. That's like my go to is anytime I'm like, have a big life change. I'm like, get me the fuck out of here for a little bit. Yeah. I like went through breakup, got sad and was like, I could. I need to go be alone for a minute.

[B]

Oh, I wish I had the confidence in myself to do that.

[A]

You have to build up to it, right? Yeah.

[B]

But I just, I feel like I could easily be attacked by any animal and taken down.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

It doesn't matter the size.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's my big fear.

[A]

It is scary camping alone, like in grizzly country.

[B]

Have you had any, like, close encounters with animals?

[A]

I mean, I got charged up by like an elk.

[B]

I think that counts.

[A]

Yeah. I was at the Grand Canyon and I got too close.

[B]

How far away was it?

[A]

Dude, it like came at me Hard, like. I don't know. It like, touched me.

[B]

It touched you?

[A]

I dove into a bush.

[B]

It's like, Elmer.

[A]

Yeah. I was like, the.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did it hurt you now?

[A]

The bush hurt me.

[B]

Okay, sure. Yeah.

[A]

But with camping, like, I've seen like. Like, I've seen a lot of bears, but never like, when I. Those are always like, I'm in my car and there's like a bear on this, like, somewhere, you know?

[B]

Right.

[A]

Never just run into a bear.

[B]

Right. I. I've seen a bear in person in Alaska, but it was from afar.

[A]

Where'd you go in Alaska?

[B]

Oh, I wish I could remember. It was in. I think I was in 10th grade. I went with my dad and my brother and I mean, really the only detail of this trip is that we. It wasn't an Airbnb at the time. It was like some lady's thing or whatever. But my brother had to borrow her computer to get on ebay. This was long before, like, anyone had their own laptop. And then we stumbled into her online life, which was. Her name was Lusty Lady Linda.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

And just all of these things and she'd like, been like, it wasn't even Googling at that point. Maybe it was like Googling like camera showers or shower cameras. So it's like, who knows what footage is out there of me as a 10th grader.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

It might be in Lady. Lusty Lady. Personal life.

[A]

It on ebay in Alaska.

[B]

He was selling Pokemon cards. He worked at what was called Software etc. It's now GameStop or whatever. And I think he and his, like, co worker were like, stealing boxes of Pokemon cards from the company and selling them.

[A]

100. I. Yeah, I used to work at this cave. I was a tour guide at a cave and Crystal Lake cave and outside Dubuque Island.

[B]

Dream job?

[A]

No, no, not a dream job. Thought it would be a dream job. Truly, honestly, worst job I ever had in my whole fucking life. What? The only job. I've ever been driving there and thought, if I wreck my car, I don't have to go to work. I would rather deal with a wrecked car than going to that fucking job. I tried to quit a bunch and the lady would be like, sometimes you just do stuff you don't want to do in life. And I'd be like, all right, I'll be.

[B]

Hear that from an employer.

[A]

Yeah. And she would like, call my house and leave messages, being like, brooks, you have a shift tomorrow. You know, it was fucking awful, dude. It'd be like eight hour shifts. You give one tour every 30 minutes. It's also a tourist trap, so everyone's coming through is disappointed. You just have to look at their faces while they're like, what the am I doing here? I just got ripped off. I'm like, sorry, let's walk around this tunnel someone dug out for 30 minutes. And then at the end, I'm gonna put $5 in my hand and ask for a tip. And I got one in a whole year. And, dude. And, like, we wouldn't. It was so awful that as soon as you get out of that cave, she's. There's another queue of people ready to go. So you're just in the mines all day giving this. Giving. Fucking 16 tours are awful. The most boring shit in the world. And the lady was mean as hell. And she would say, like, she would also listen to fucking Casey Kasem, like, bubblegum pop. So anytime I hear any 60s pop, I'm like, I'm back in the cave. I fucking hate this. It's such a trigger. And this woman, every time she pissed me off, I made a rule. I'm like, I'm fucking stealing something from her. So my trunk was just nothing but cave artifacts and, like, shirts and souvenirs and, like, dumb knickknacks and birds and stuff. And my mom, one time, she, like, found my cache of all the cave stuff, and she was like, what do you. Why do you have all this?

[B]

What's the plan for any of this?

[A]

What is. What do you have this? And I was like, they give it to me at the cave. And she said, if I call the cave, will they say that they gave you these items? And I said, don't call the cave.

[B]

How do you call the cave?

[A]

Oh, you could call the cave.

[B]

There's just a phone ringing in this empty cave.

[A]

Yeah, I have this whole other side podcast called Entry Level about early jobs. And the whole through line for this fucking thing is me getting out my frustration about the cave. And listeners have gone on tours of the cave.

[B]

I want to go on tours.

[A]

You can go on tour. And every single fucking review back to me is, it's worse than you said.

[B]

Oh, you're kidding.

[A]

Every single person's like, it's worse. It's actually worse than I thought it could be.

[B]

How are they getting people into this cave?

[A]

You go into a gift shop, but.

[B]

Like, how are they advertising it to get anyone in there if it's such a horrible thing?

[A]

It's a tourist trap. It sounds fun.

[B]

Promising crystals.

[A]

It's called Crystal Lake Cave. There's a tiny little fucking puddle in there. It feuds with the field of Dreams. She hates the Field of Dreams because the Field of dreams is like 20 minutes away.

[B]

Dreams are real.

[A]

Yes. Another tourist trip.

[B]

Was it made famous by the. Was it.

[A]

They built it for the movie.

[B]

Okay. For the movie. It didn't exist before the movie. The ghosts weren't there prior to the movie?

[A]

No. So she would be like, sometimes she's like, I better feel the dreams is fucking busy today. You know, like, this is the first show I ever sold was it was called Crystal Lake Cave, Nature's masterpiece. It was about a family who owns that cave.

[B]

Let's get that back in the market.

[A]

I would love to.

[B]

I mean, it's probably been a few years.

[A]

Yeah, I sold when I was like 23.

[B]

All of those executives are dead.

[A]

Yeah. Comedy Central, in fact, is dead.

[B]

I mean, those people all died a.

[A]

Long time because it was for Comedy Central. And I was like, this is great.

[B]

It's time to bring it back to the market. I think now more than ever. We need a cave show.

[A]

Yeah, well, just. It was about feuding tourist traps.

[B]

That's amazing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And were you excited when you first got that job?

[A]

I thought it was gonna fucking rock.

[B]

Had you been in the caves prior to it? Oh, okay.

[A]

So this thought it was gonna be so cool.

[B]

And then like immediately upon walking in, you were just like, this is kind of a dark, damp thing.

[A]

It was awful. Yeah, My friend Sam Wilson worked there too. And we had this idea. We both hated working there so much. We were 15 and a half. We hated it. And we idea where we're like. Cuz one of us would open and the other one would close. And what we were going to do was we're going to keep the key because you'd have to turn it in or whatever, but we were going to keep the key. He closes. We're going to go get a copy made and then he's going to give me the copy. So when I open, I have the key. And now we have a key to the case.

[B]

This is a heist.

[A]

And then in 10 years we're going to go in there with bats and break everything. That's how we were. Like, when we're 25, I think enough time will have passed that they won't think it's us. But we need to break this. We need to destroy this fucking place.

[B]

Wait, so did you get an extra key?

[A]

No, Sam quit.

[B]

Oh, he had it.

[A]

He had an extra key. He stood up for himself. He stood for himself. When He. I tried to quit a couple times. She's like, no.

[B]

I was like, you're trapped here. And wait. She was playing the music through the caves. Was she, like, playing Leader of the.

[A]

Pack when you go into. Yeah, Leader of the pack that's in.

[B]

The gift shop just blasting through the gift.

[A]

I was like, can we listen to other music? And she goes, when you own a business, you can listen to what you want to listen to.

[B]

Did she own the cave?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

How do you own a cave?

[A]

They dug it out.

[B]

That's the one. One bit of real estate she owns is a cave. It's all underground that teenagers hate.

[A]

Yeah. And like, I. When I went, somebody told me recently, because I do talk about the cave a lot. They were like, hey, the. The woman died that you were talking about. I was like, oh. And then I. I was like, ah, you know, I don't talk about my. And I look. And this was so long ago. It was like that her daughter had passed away. Like, they were like, we didn't even know. There was an older one. I go, oh, there's a meaner one.

[B]

Yeah, the whole family's dead.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think so. But. Because I did go back. I went back a few years ago to be like, what's this all about? You know, I was like, been talking about a lot on the pod. Did like a pod from outside and went in. I was like, I used to do give tours here. And they're like, okay. I was like, could I go down? And they're like, $20.

[B]

I go, no way.

[A]

Oh, absolutely, yes. That happened. Wouldn't let me even poke my head in there. $20.

[B]

$20 is a lot to go through a bad cave.

[A]

To go through a bad cave. My family came one time when I was giving tours and they were visiting from Missouri. I was like, can I show them the cave? And she's like, absolutely. Yeah, it was $900. She's like, $9 person. I'm like, I can't explain.

[B]

No employee discount.

[A]

No. No employee. Like, it's just me and her. Like a fucking squirrel one time drank a bunch of fermented fruit and got hammered because it was all, like, fucking boozed up. And she was like, oh, shit, Squirrel's drunk again. I'm like, this guy again.

[B]

This is my favorite cave on Earth. I love this.

[A]

Snake got loose. Snakes were in the cave one time. She gave me a rake and said, take care of it. I had to go in a hole to fight snakes here. I didn't do that, though. I Was like, fuck that. I'm not going down there.

[B]

No. Are you kidding?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No job is worth fighting a snake for.

[A]

No.

[B]

Have you been in any good caves?

[A]

No. It's ruined them for me.

[B]

Oh, to have the whole concept of caves ruined. What a shame.

[A]

Absolutely ruined. Yeah. I mean, people are like, you should go to Carlsbad Caverns.

[B]

I want to go there so bad.

[A]

Gonna suck.

[B]

I love the idea of caves. And I never go in a cave underground.

[A]

Boring.

[B]

You kind of do expect them to be like, more like Hobbit or, you know, exciting. And then you kind of get in.

[A]

I want a window.

[B]

It's just rock.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just underground rock. Have you been to an underground cave or a lake?

[A]

Underground lake, yes.

[B]

This is my dream, to go to an underground.

[A]

Like a cenote.

[B]

I don't know what that is.

[A]

Yeah, it's a cenote. I've done that. Yeah. In, like, outside of Tulum, this place called Coba. Coba Cenotes. You go down, like, basically a well and it opens up into this fucking huge cavern and you swim in there.

[B]

That, to me, is amazing. A dream job.

[A]

Yeah. It was really cool.

[B]

I would love to be a lifeguard at an underground lake.

[A]

Oh, those. The ones in Mexico do not have the lifeguard.

[B]

And actually, that is the one lifeguard job that makes sense for my. As someone who could. Yes. Be so easily burned.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if anyone's looking for an underground.

[A]

Lifeguard, that's a good idea.

[B]

Not a bad idea.

[A]

It's also fun when people are like, so, what are you doing? You're like, I'm a lifeguard. Leave out the underground. Like, no fucking way.

[B]

That feels like a new Baywatch spin off.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Baywatch Beneath Earth.

[A]

Baywatch.

[B]

I've got two. Then. Maybe that's a spin off of your show that we're going to take back to the market.

[A]

Yeah. I like this.

[B]

Interesting. I think we're. We're spinning some ideas.

[A]

And also, I don't even need to get the rights to Crystal Lake Cave because they will not know that this show happens. Will get to them. I've talked about this cave so much and they've never. I used to email them the, like.

[B]

The closest thing they have to modern pop culture is like, Mr. Postman.

[A]

Yeah. Wait, what?

[B]

The song.

[A]

Oh. Oh, yes.

[B]

Yeah. Of course.

[A]

I've blocked all that out. I used to prank email her, like, asking if I could rent out the cave and stuff. I want to have paint. I want to have a paintball tournament down there. Yeah. She'd be like, no.

[B]

Did you Ever get close to booking it?

[A]

You can't book a ca. She wouldn't. It's not even available.

[B]

I was just booking a wedding under. In the cave.

[A]

I should find these emails because they always like. It was like. I was like, you should.

[B]

You should publish those.

[A]

Yeah, it was. I think I was like, we're gonna have our family reunion at the cave. And she's like, you can't have your family reunion at the cave. I go, try and stop us. You don't know what we look like.

[B]

Incredible.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I honestly could talk to you for the next three hours about caves. Yes. But we have to move on.

[A]

Yeah. I gotta go. To sell a car.

[B]

Yes. To get insurance. Etc. And there's something way more important that I need to talk about. Something way more upsetting, at least for me, which the podcast is called I said no gifts.

[A]

Y. And I know you said it, but.

[B]

I just decided to be awful today. You woke up and decided to ruin my day.

[A]

I did.

[B]

You brought three gifts to the podcast.

[A]

Well, they're a set.

[B]

Oh, it's a set. So it counts as one gift.

[A]

Yeah, it's ugfs. I found it moving.

[B]

You found it moving?

[A]

Yeah, I just moved as well.

[B]

Okay. There's beautifully wrapped.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like three little cylinders wrapped in tin foil.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I assume if I unwrap one, I'll know what the other two are. Are they all. Well, they're slightly different.

[A]

They're slightly different variations.

[B]

Okay, so let's open this one first. I don't think we've ever unwrapped tinfoil on the podcast.

[A]

I was at Wit's house, and I said, you got anything for these things? So this is fun.

[B]

Oh, well, the first one I've opened is a Belgian ale mustard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I love a variation of mustard. Okay, Are these. Should I open the other two first, or should we talk about this one?

[A]

No, you should open them all real quick.

[B]

Okay, we've got the Belgian ale.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And it's a. I truly think that these are fun Hickory farms.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I truly love mustard. Okay, so what's this one? Is this another mustard? Oh, spicy sriracha mustard. Yeah, I've never. I've had mustard and sriracha separately, but never together.

[A]

I.

[B]

Me either, neither. You. And you never will.

[A]

No.

[B]

And then there's this third one. I like that tinfoil sound.

[A]

Yeah. What do we got here with this one?

[B]

This one's a honey pineapple mustard. Tart and tangy.

[A]

Fun. Yeah. So you got three types of mustards.

[B]

Fantastic. And was this I assume this came as a little set.

[A]

I have no idea how I have those.

[B]

When did these expire? That's a good thing.

[A]

Great question.

[B]

Okay, so fully expired.

[A]

Oh, boy. Yeah. That's. Oh, yeah. These are expensive.

[B]

Only a few months. July of 24.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I feel like mustard is one of those things that can probably go longer. I've been reading a lot recently about how expiration dates are kind of a fraud, kind of a scam.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Most of them, it's just like, it might not taste as good.

[A]

That's big mustard right there. Just trying.

[B]

Yeah. They just want you to buy more bottles of mustard. That's Hickory Farms wanting you to get back to them all. Yeah.

[A]

No idea how I have these or why I have them when I got them.

[B]

So they've just been. Were they just in your cupboard or something?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yep. Wow. Do you do a lot of cooking at home?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. So these. But mustard.

[A]

Mustard. I'm not a mustard guy.

[B]

You don't like mustard?

[A]

I don't dislike it, but I'm not a mustard front.

[B]

Mustard's an interesting thing to have at home, I would say, because it's like something you put on, like, hot dogs, and you're not. Unless you're cooking a ton of hot dogs at home. How often do you.

[A]

And I don't want this type of mustard on my hot dog.

[B]

No. You don't want a spicy sriracha.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Let's just be honest. That seems like a bad concept.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I would put sriracha on a lot of things. I would put mustard on hot dogs. I don't make hot dogs at home. So now I just have a thing that I would kind of almost want to use.

[A]

Right.

[B]

What would you put?

[A]

I think these would be great for, like, a deli sandwich. You know, you make it.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Deli sandwich.

[A]

Have you. I do this sometimes where I'm like, I'm going to save money and I'm going to make sandwiches at home. And then I spend fucking $80 on all the sandwich stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes, I should.

[B]

That's the trap I fall into.

[A]

Should just bought a sandwich.

[B]

Yes. I could have bought. Let's see. Well, probably four sandwiches.

[A]

Yeah. Really good one. Now I have white bread.

[B]

Yeah. I've. I have started. I finally broken the cycle. At least every three weeks, I go to Costco and get a chicken.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

And then I use that for sandwiches throughout the week.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

But then the rest of the time, I don't make anything at home. But this at Least one of these mustards could go on that chicken.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Probably. I would probably say probably the most normal one. This Belgian ale that probably tastes like mustard the most. Right.

[A]

I don't know what you would put honey pineapple mustard on again.

[B]

Probably. Maybe a spicy sausage.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, that's good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But that is good.

[B]

Again, I'm not making sausage at home ever. But now I might have a little excuse.

[A]

Look.

[B]

To go crazy. You can.

[A]

You can pawn these off on somebody else's podcast.

[B]

I put these in the back of a cupboard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And just let them rot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then show up again. Do you ever go to Worst Kucha downtown?

[A]

I have, but I have not in a long time.

[B]

Incredible mustard selection there. I'm going crazy. I mean, I order one sausage, but I use probably all seven mustards throughout the meal.

[A]

So there's a new German beer garden in Echo Park.

[B]

Oh, what's it called?

[A]

It's called, like, Ba Mi, or like, it's. It's Vietnamese. Oh, Vietnamese meats. But it's also called Sunset Beer Garden.

[B]

Okay. It's two different names.

[A]

Yeah. I call it Sunset Beer Garden because I don't know Vietnamese, but it's right. And it's harder for me to memorize.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

A new Vietnamese word versus beer garden, which is what it is. But they have sausages there and only one mustard. And I'm like, I guess that's. But I want. I like this.

[B]

What kind of mustard do they have there?

[A]

Like a German mustard? I don't know.

[B]

German mustard. This feels like a confused concept to me so far.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I need to go there. Do they have other Vietnamese food?

[A]

Yeah, it's good, dude.

[B]

I love a good Banh mi.

[A]

No Banh Mi, though.

[B]

No Banh Mi. What Vietnamese food do they have?

[A]

Fish. Fish sausages.

[B]

Okay, that's good.

[A]

That might be it, then. They have a lot of other German stuff.

[B]

Does a fish sausage. My theory with sausage is you can put literally anything into it, and it's going to taste almost the same every time.

[A]

Yeah, that's. I have no problem eating, like, a vegan hot dog, Right?

[B]

Exactly. It's the perfect vegan food.

[A]

Yeah. I'm like, the other one is weird, too.

[B]

Yeah. That's just a bunch of gross stuff mashed into a thing Tim Robinson was talking about.

[A]

Maybe, like, he loves. He's a vegetarian. He, like, loves vegetarian dogs, and he's, like, maybe gonna, like, open a place or something like that.

[B]

That's a great dog place.

[A]

And I was. I was like, you should put up the Ingredients to a real hot dog next to.

[B]

Oh, yeah. People will get the vegetarian one every time.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Just be like, here's what's in a real fucking hot dog. And then this one is pretty good. It tastes just the same.

[B]

They taste like the spices or the salt. Yeah, I just need spice and salt. Yeah. I. And I never order a vegetarian one, and I'm always worried about my cholesterol. What. What am I doing? I don't got to get into it. So what are you putting on your. When you do get a hot dog or a sausage, what do you put on?

[A]

I can love hot dogs, dude. I, I. Anytime I'm in a place that has a hot dog, I got to try it. How do you feel about hot dogs?

[B]

I like hot dogs, you know, not at home.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But I'll go to. What's that place called? Doghouse.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I used to work next to one of those, and I had to stop going because they're so unhealthy.

[B]

Yeah. It's unbelievably bad for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I like a corn dog there, even.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

How often are you just going as an adult to a restaurant and ordering a corn dog?

[A]

Yeah, that's a good idea.

[B]

Delicious. Dipping it in some mustard, Eating some tater tots.

[A]

Yeah, those tots are fantastic. Yeah.

[B]

I never drink root beer, but that's the one place I'm tempted when I'm like, this makes kind of sense.

[A]

Oh, yeah. If you're gonna go all in, jump in.

[B]

Yeah, Give me that candy drink.

[A]

So, like, I love a Chicago dog.

[B]

Oh, sure. Vegetables.

[A]

I love a steamed bun.

[B]

Oh, I don't know that I've ever had a steam bun. That sounds a little wet.

[A]

Oh, no, it's great. It's. Anytime you have a hard bun, I'm like, what are we doing?

[B]

Is it damp?

[A]

That just feels good. You never had a fucking steamed bun.

[B]

Maybe I was tricked. Or maybe I was probably just aware.

[A]

I'm just, like, really aware. When you have, like, a hard bun, I'm like, this is fucking.

[B]

Yeah. Dry.

[A]

This is shit.

[B]

Kind of packing material, texture. Yeah, maybe. I've had a lot of steamed buns.

[A]

I bet you have.

[B]

Not aware of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Interesting. Yeah. Chicago dog. I just love a plain hot dog with a little mustard on it. Ketchup. I'm not crazy about a ketchup. It's too sweet on a hot dog. I only like a French fry and a ketchup.

[A]

Yes. I agree with you so much. I got in an argument with my girlfriend because she made, like, veggie nuggets, like an air fryer and was dipping them in ketchup. I'm like, what are you, three?

[B]

That's child behavior.

[A]

Yes, that's what I said. I said, this is child behavior. And she was like. I was like, you needed, like, a sweet and sour. You had to create something. But just a straight up chicken nugget and a ketchup.

[B]

That's like at the cafeteria, elementary school. And you don't know how to work things out.

[A]

That's okay. Thank you.

[B]

You're drinking chocolate at the same time.

[A]

She was very offended.

[B]

Well, I hope you convinced her otherwise, that her taste is wrong.

[A]

I. No, I mean, like, you have a refined palate.

[B]

Yeah. Chicken nugget has to go in a barbecue sauce. A ranch, people doing it in honey. I don't know what that's.

[A]

I could do a honey mustard.

[B]

Honey mustard. See, but it's a little bit. There's a little bit of everything.

[A]

A little bit chicken tender. Dude. Dream chicken tender situation here. You dip it in the ranch and then you also have buffalo sauce. And then you double, double dip over there. Now you got.

[B]

Are you kidding me? That's my ultimate thing.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

Where are you getting a chicken tender in la?

[A]

I don't know. I don't think I've ever, like, had one here.

[B]

Have you been to Howlin Ray's?

[A]

Oh, yes. Yeah.

[B]

Unbelievable.

[A]

Very good.

[B]

The best. I think the best chicken tender in the world, maybe.

[A]

Really? Okay.

[B]

I mean, as far as I'm concerned.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And their employees are so sweet there. It's almost. It's starting to feel like a religion or something. Like, these people really love being here and there. It feels like they're trying to draw me into something that I'm not aware of yet, but I adore it.

[A]

I love. And I just moved to Echo park and there's a brand new Buffalo Wild Wings, like, really way too close to me. And since it's brand new, they're treating it nice.

[B]

They still care for the next three months.

[A]

Yes. So because you go to a Buffalo Wild Wings where they gave up, that's bad.

[B]

Oh, it could not be a worse situation.

[A]

No, it's really bad. But I do like this new Buffalo Wild Wings. I love Asian zing and some ranch.

[B]

Oh, that sounds nice. What is the Asian zing? It's like a zip that seems like it's sweet and sour. Borderline problematic sauce that's probably going to get changed. That feels like.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Like with Chinese chicken salad. Everyone was like, oh, yeah, that was invented by a white lady at some point.

[A]

Yeah. Do you know the. The real story of cashew chicken? Like, how that was.

[B]

No.

[A]

So it's invented in Springfield, Missouri, and was a Chinese immigrant came to Springfield, Missouri. Yeah. And they were making real Chinese food. And everyone there was like, now.

[B]

Right, of course.

[A]

Okay, we'll just dump gravy on this.

[B]

This is what you.

[A]

We'll call it cashew chicken. Yeah. The story of cashew chicken. And then this immigrant was rolling after this. It's a story of how America broke a person by saying.

[B]

And created a dish.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

I love a cashew chicken.

[A]

Who doesn't?

[B]

But I think it's because I love a cashew.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

I think cashew is my number two nut.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I think. Well, actually, I talk about this non stop on this podcast. Brazil nut is my health nut. I eat that for a health purpose.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Almond cashew.

[A]

I love a pistachio.

[B]

Pistachio. I would say number three.

[A]

I like pistachios because you got a governor on it. You can't just.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You crush it up. Yeah. You gotta get slowed down a little bit.

[B]

Yes. Some self control.

[A]

I have become addicted to pistachios because I equate it with disc golfing. Whenever I disc golf, I'm rocking pistachios.

[B]

Wow, that seems like a difficult thing for disc. It feels like you want to just have access to the nuts during this.

[A]

Golfing look, I'm having. I just. I like that I can just throw the.

[B]

Oh, sure. Throwing them everywhere. Willy nilly.

[A]

You know, I went to sculpting without pistachios recently and I was like, ruined your week. This sucks.

[B]

Where do you do disc golfing?

[A]

Pasadena.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so you just have a bag of pistachios with you. Sounds lovely.

[A]

It's great.

[B]

Disc golfing. Are you. Is there like a course?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How big is that? I mean, is it nine times the size of a regular golf course? It seems like it must be much larger a regular golf course. That's not true.

[A]

Really big.

[B]

There are very big.

[A]

Smaller than a regular. There's probably the longest distance is probably like 200 yards or something.

[B]

Okay. And is it themed like a mini golf course?

[A]

No, this was the theme is you're kind of going in and out of other people's games, like, of like baseball games, soccer. You're kind of being like.

[B]

Yeah, you're kind of in the local news.

[A]

You're in the fairway.

[B]

I bet I could get into that.

[A]

It's so fun. Surprisingly, Los Angeles doesn't have many courses, and they're not that good. Like, Iowa, when I was in high school, like, had really cool, great disc golf courses, so that's where I got into it.

[B]

Does it get competitive?

[A]

Well, yeah, but not. Not with me.

[B]

You're just. I'm there enjoying yourself, having a good time.

[A]

But yeah, no, there's like. It's huge. It's like a industry, and there's like, you know, disc golf world championships and.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And yeah, I guess it's like regular golf. You're just on your own. There aren't teams.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Wow. See that. That. I need some. I don't want to have that much accountability during a game. I need other people to, like, cover up how bad I'm doing.

[A]

Right. Well, it's just. You just walk and throw a Frisbee and you're just hanging out with your friends, eating pistachios.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know that I can even successfully throw a Frisbee be.

[A]

Yeah. Then it's gonna be tough.

[B]

It takes a minute.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you ever thrown a boomerang?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

You have?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Doesn't it actually come back to you?

[A]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[B]

That scares me to death.

[A]

Yeah, I remember I got a boomerang and went to, like, a field when I was, like, in eighth grade, and it was just like, I'm gonna. Well, you know, when you're, like, in eighth grade, you're like, I'm gonna learn how to be the best, weirdest guy with this, you know? Did you. When you were like, yeah, I'm gonna.

[B]

Like, see, like, a weird thing I saw on tv. And now this is going to be my new.

[A]

I'm gonna be the boomerang.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Did you have a thing that you got obsessed with that you were trying to be the best at? I tried to be the best yo yoer in my school.

[B]

Oh, Yo Yo. I watched a lot of friends become good at Yo Yo. I don't think I was ever. I ever bought one. We would have the yo yo guy come through his tours. Did he do that for you?

[A]

No.

[B]

You have the touring yo yo, man.

[A]

No, I mean, but I loved, like, the Smothers Brothers, and they would do all the Yo Yo.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Have you ever seen. Do you know Mark Prosch?

[B]

Oh, yeah. I love Mark.

[A]

He's the funniest in the world. Do you ever see his yo yo guy that he used to do?

[B]

It's like, the last thing that, like, you could do before everyone Knew what online videos were.

[A]

It's so funny.

[B]

It's so good.

[A]

Look up Mark Proach. Well, he's. He goes as Kenny Strauss. Kay Strauss. The Yo Yo. The yo yo master. And basically he goes on early morning radio or early morning tv. Tv. And talks about how his life is going. Like, he's supposed to show yo yos, but then he just talks about his dad used to hit him.

[B]

It's so cool.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I don't think anyone could get away with that at this point.

[A]

No, it's so good.

[B]

Yeah. It's like.

[A]

Well, he was doing it like a small Wisconsin markets and stuff.

[B]

But fuck, he fooled so many people.

[A]

So many people. Yeah. My favorite thing one time is like, so where are you headed tomorrow? He just makes a left turn. He goes, this is the last day you will see me in a simsie. I'm sure. He's like, we have decided to part ways. Am I angry? Yes.

[B]

He is a genius.

[A]

Just the funniest thing ever.

[B]

One of the funniest.

[A]

Did you ever see his pilot that he made?

[B]

Oh, good morning, Tri State.

[A]

Yeah. Yes. Where he gets hit by a fucking.

[B]

How is that not just on the Internet at this point? People need to see that.

[A]

They put it up for, like, for a few weeks. And Comedy Central was like, no, you don't have the rights to take that down.

[B]

Oh, give me a break.

[A]

Give me a break. That's the funniest.

[B]

The fact that. I mean, the one comfort I take from that show is I'm like, it was so good and that didn't get made.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's no justice in the entertainment business.

[A]

Because, yes, the thesis for this show was they would hire a real person who would be their first day covering the news, and they'd be surrounded by people just doing bits.

[B]

It's so cool.

[A]

When he walks. He gets hit by a car outside and he walks back in, in the middle of the broadcast, he goes, I just got hit by a fucking car. That's like the hardest I've laughed at a TV show.

[B]

Oh, it's so good. Yeah. In writers rooms. I've watched that before because everyone just loves it. It makes you feel so funny. Somebody's got a. So now we've got to get the cave show back on the market and good morning, triceps. And then everything will be solved. Yeah, well, maybe we should try. I mean, I'm willing to try these expired mustards. You open yours. They don't even have, like a safety seal on them.

[A]

No, mine had one.

[B]

Oh, it did. Oh, Boy, mine simply did not.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So this could end my. I'm trying the spicy sriracha. Not in love with. I mean, at least it's not great on a finger. Say that and it is months expired. Okay. And now let's try the Belgian ale.

[A]

This is the new Wuhan.

[B]

Yeah. We're about to start something very bad. We're opening a door that should not be opened.

[A]

Dip it in some pangolin.

[B]

I've had pangolin.

[A]

What?

[B]

When I was on a Mormon mission a long time ago, which ended poorly. I was in Malaysia and some of the people that we were like, like trying to convert or whatever had run over one and.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like while eating it, they like told us, this is what you're eating. And I didn't even know what the animal was at that point. Yeah, because like they look kind of like armadillos.

[A]

Yeah. Like a skunky armadillo.

[B]

Yes. But I was just full on. I was like, what is this weird texture on this thing? It was a pangolin. Just.

[A]

I just found. I was on a. I was at my grandparents farm in Missouri like a year ago and I went on a jog and I saw somebody run over an army armadillo. And I was like, Missouri has armadillos?

[B]

Where. What are those? Nate? I guess Arizona is where I would.

[A]

Assume Texas, I think. But yeah, I was like, this is crazy. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. What a weird creature. They don't seem like they belong anywhere.

[A]

No.

[B]

Get lost. And they roll up to protect themselves.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it seems.

[A]

Well, they want to be balls.

[B]

Yeah. They want to kind of growing up.

[A]

Where it was like an animal, that would be like a. It would be like a soccer ball, but then you could turn it inside out and it was a popple.

[B]

That sounds very familiar to me. It sounds really satisfying, actually.

[A]

I used to have a really shitty joke about it, about just being like. I used to tell my popple, be yourself. You're not a baseball.

[B]

Not a horrible joke.

[A]

Fine joke for a 19 year old.

[B]

Yeah. Fine joke for a very select group of people.

[A]

No, but I'm saying I was 19. I didn't have a lot of life experience.

[B]

Yeah, you were just like, what have I seen or tried?

[A]

I was like, popples have zippers hurt. Yeah.

[B]

Well, okay, so I've tried two of the mustards. Neither of them, but maybe once put on a food and if they weren't exposed are bad. They don't taste good.

[A]

Those are bad.

[B]

But I can put them in my closet. I do. I have developed a thing since the Pandemic of like, well, I should just leave it in case the grocery stores shut down.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Maybe I will need mustard. Yeah, Maybe the water wars will begin a little bit sooner than we think. Oh, those water wars, they're coming for us.

[A]

It's gonna be bad.

[B]

I've bottles of water under my bed, and that's not going to last me very long, but I'll trade.

[A]

I was watching Succession, like, on a plane, just. I was like, oh, let's just throw on the first episode of Succession because, like, I've seen every movie on Delta right now. And in the pilot, the Connor is. He's like. He's all about how he has land over water. And I'm like, oh, this is really good writing.

[B]

Yeah, this is very developed character for a pilot. Totally.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That. That show I put off for like. Like maybe the first month I remember being like, I don't want to watch a show about rich people. This seems like it's going to be. So it's just going to be lecturing me. And then I watched three minutes of Pilot and I was obsessed with the.

[A]

Show for fucking cool. Also, I was talking the other day with somebody, I was like, what is the best comedy? Like, because comedies are fucking gone, you know, Goodbye. And then we decided, like, Succession was probably the, like, best comedy of the last five, six years.

[B]

Yeah, easily.

[A]

When they call themselves the Disgusting Brothers, I'm like, that's the funniest thing I've ever fucking heard.

[B]

Well, it's written by a comedy person.

[A]

Yeah. White Lotus is really, really funny too, though.

[B]

White Lotus is very funny. I like somebody somewhere, but it's a hard time to find a good comedy at this point.

[A]

I think how the end of White Lotus, first season, how. I'm not giving it away. A person dies. That's the opening shot of the fucking. But how that person dies is the funniest thing I've ever.

[B]

Wait, remind me who dies and listener again. It's too late. You're gonna find out.

[A]

The Murray dude.

[B]

Oh, right, of course.

[A]

Like, truly the funniest downfall of any fucking character in the history of television. He relapsed. Like, I was. I was laughing so hard, thinking. I was laughing so hard thinking about how somebody had to call his family and be like, all right, so here's a couple things. Murray, did he relapse. He made a kid gay for drugs, then got mad because he was wrong at a fucking guest, broke into the room, took a shit on their clothes, and then was caught and accidentally stabbed because he had Broken into a place.

[B]

So good.

[A]

So that's how he died.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like if I had to be that person, I would just make up a lie about that person's death. I'd be like, unfortunately, he passed out.

[A]

My God.

[B]

Nobody got to him. We don't know what else happened in the situation.

[A]

Taking a. In someone's luggage because he was wrong and on drugs.

[B]

I think just like a really small genius thing about that show is the word Pineapple sweet is the most annoying thing you could possibly say repeatedly. It's just like anyone who cares about pineapple sweet is the most irritating person alive.

[A]

Man, that show's great.

[B]

And then the death at the end of the second one is so good.

[A]

Yeah. Just trips off, slips off a boat.

[B]

You got this. And then. So she is a genius. I hope that we use Jennifer Coolidge as much as we possibly can. She's such a treasure.

[A]

I mean, truly crushing it for 30 years now.

[B]

At least 30 years.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And is finally, like getting exactly what the attention she deserves. Like, she's been successful, but like, finally she's like a household name.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's long overdue. Well, I've got these disgusting mustards. God knows what I'll do with them, but we'll see what happens.

[A]

Throw them away.

[B]

I'm not throwing them away.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't think I've. I think I've thrown away one thing from this podcast.

[A]

Okay. I didn't think they were expired and I thought they would be good.

[B]

I think this is not the first expired food that's been brought to this podcast. So you're not alone. And I'll probably give them to away at a live show or something. Someone else will get the curse.

[A]

Good, good.

[B]

We'll pass them down through centuries. I think it's time for a game.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We're gonna play a game called Gift or a Curse. I need a number between 1 and 10 from you.

[A]

8.

[B]

Okay. I have to do a little bit of light calculating to get our game pieces.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You can promote, recommend, do whatever you want.

[A]

Yeah. Watch my special Live in Alaska just came out. It's on YouTube. I went to Alaska and shot a special and yeah, it's really good. And if you're interested in stand up comedy in Alaska, this is right up your alley. And that's it for my promotion. And now you're doing some calculations. No, it's okay. I gotta go to Carmax after. Also, if you can't. If you can't watch Alive in Alaska, send me. How the fuck to get registration for my new car where I don't have to go to dmv.

[B]

Oh, good luck. Yeah, good luck. I. We'll get to this game in a moment. But when I first moved to la, you're supposed to like register your car within the first like nine days or something. And I did. And then lived with fear for five years. I did not go back. I did not go to the dmv. I kept my Utah driver's license and would go back to Utah every other year just because I. I don't know what I thought was going to happen.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I didn't. I. It's like the police were gonna bust in and get me.

[A]

The DMV here does suck.

[B]

It's a bad experience. I would rather, sure.

[A]

I'd rather go to like heaven. I know truly, if I had an option to go back to Iowa and just keep my Iowa light, like, yeah, that's. It's easier for me to fly to Iowa to deal with that DMV than to go to fucking in East Hollywood.

[B]

I think there is one easy one. I wish I could remember which one is good. I feel like there's one that people are like, that one's not as bad.

[A]

I used to go to the Pasadena one. I don't know.

[B]

I feel like there's a Valley ish one that's not quite as crazy.

[A]

We'll go to great la. People will go to great lengths to find a decent DMV special.

[B]

I was driving nine hours.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And everybody go watch the special. So you taped it in Alaska?

[A]

Yeah, I went into two week tour of Alaska, shot everything and then we. So that's a kind of the beginning and then the end is. Is. I have a lot of jokes about Alaska. At the end. You show like kind of. I show you how I kind of where you see where those jokes came from.

[B]

Oh, that's amazing.

[A]

It's really good.

[B]

What a great concept. I wish you had run into Linda.

[A]

I. Well, there's many, many Lindas. I'm just saying like when you're like, yes. She had this online presence of this. What was her name?

[B]

Lusty Lady Linda.

[A]

Yeah. That's literally every person in Alaska is a secret person on the inside.

[B]

That's probably true. They're running from something. Oh, they're running from hiding something.

[A]

Yeah. My joke was, was that it's a fine joke, but true. It was just like everyone in Alaska is like, came up to Visit, been here 89 years. I'm like, I just love it. And also I can't be in Virginia. If I go near Virginia, I'm getting nabbed.

[B]

I have got warrants, Alaska. Everyone's a Linda. Yeah. Okay, this is how we play Gift or a curse. I'm going to name three things. You're going to tell me if they're a gift or a curse and why. And then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong because there are correct answers.

[A]

Great.

[B]

All right, this first one's from a listener named Mark. Gift or a curse? Vow renewals.

[A]

Fuck. I'm not married. Haven't been married. I think that that would be if you're at a place where you have to do that, probably a curse. You know what I mean? Somebody has. If your partner has to be like, tell me why you love me again in front of everyone. 1. That's not a good. Things aren't going great.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Val? Renewals should just be kind of how you behave all the time.

[B]

Right? Right. So you're saying curse.

[A]

Yeah. You don't want to be put in that situation.

[B]

Wrong.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's a gift. And kind of for the same reasons. I love the idea of being invited to one of these things. And we all get to kind of just theorize about what went wrong between Mark and Linda that led them to this place where suddenly we're having another wedding.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And we're like, like. And I feel like it's probably going to last another two years. This is a real life.

[A]

I can't imagine a thinking people would want to come see me get married once, let alone not even a real one the second time.

[B]

First of all, I think you should. If you want people to have. You should have to get divorced and then remarried to the same person. If you're going to drag me to one of these things.

[A]

Right? Yes.

[B]

But I love the idea. I love vow renewals at Disney World. Something's gone super wrong.

[A]

I remember, remember a girl I was dating who I lived with for a while. We were at Universal Studios. We were taking, like, her little brother who was just awful.

[B]

I hate him.

[A]

Yeah. He, like, got hammered and, like, threw up everywhere. And then he was like 16, like, the night before we went to Universal Studios. And then at Universal Studios, he's like, hey, man, will you buy me some beer? I'm like, get the fuck out of here. If you were cool. Yeah. But you're not.

[B]

You're a menace.

[A]

You're a menace. But we saw these people there at, like, getting. And it was these. It's clearly newly married couple. And it said, like, king And Queen, like, on their shirts. And they were getting a photo, like, very excited with Bumblebee. The Transformer.

[B]

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

[A]

My girlfriend goes, God, I wish I was that dumb. And I made me love her, you know, she was like, I wish that brought me joy. To be that simple.

[B]

I want a lobotomy that leads me to that marriage.

[A]

I think Bumblebee's rad.

[B]

I'm getting married as a giant. Giant thing of concrete and theme park characters.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To have a theme park wedding, honeymoon, the dream. It's something that I can't access.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's just something that I would be actively miserable at. And some people. It's the greatest joy in the world. And God bless.

[A]

God bless.

[B]

God bless. Okay, so you've gotten one wrong so far. Okay. Okay. The second one is from a listener named Julia. Gift or a curse. The server at a restaurant asking what dressing you want on a salad without listing what dressings they have. And I am just going to say right now. I feel like we've talked about dressings and marks on this podcast already. This is all kind of falling into gift or a curse.

[A]

Well, I don't. I don't know if you can. The amount we talked about hot dogs and chicken fingers. I don't order a lot of salads when I'm out. And I'm a real basic. Like, I'm going to pick ranch. What am I, you know? So this one is tough for me. I would say I don't give a shit. This is not a thing. I would say this is not a thing.

[B]

You have to answer. That is not an answer.

[A]

This is not a thing. Nobody. This is not a thing.

[B]

You're trying to dodge being wrong here. That's what's happening. You feel like you can't stop losing.

[A]

I don't give a shit. It's a gift. Then it's a gift. And I don't mean that. I just. I. I don't have an. I don't have a reason why it's a gift. Because this is not a thing. Somebody not telling you.

[B]

It is a thing. It's a thing for Julia.

[A]

Somebody's not telling you what, like what?

[B]

Julia says, I want a salad, and the server just walks off, I guess. And the salad appears with dressing on it.

[A]

No, but. Oh, wait.

[B]

The server at a restaurant asking, oh, my reading comprehension is zero.

[A]

Because they're. They're saying what?

[B]

They ask you what dressing, but they don't give you the information.

[A]

That's not a thing. Ask for the information. This is A quick fix. Julia, ask them, what dressings do you have?

[B]

It is a gift. I love the little guessing game the waiters devised here. It's kind of a Rumpelstiltskin type thing that's happening. It's like, now you get to embarrass yourself because if you ask for a dressing that they don't have now, you gotta keep going and going. It's a power dynamic.

[A]

It's funny. I would be like, Asian Zing. I want Asian Zing sauce on my fucking lettuce.

[B]

And then the waiters off to Buffalo Wild Wings to get a whole gallon of it.

[A]

I appreciate that.

[B]

I feel like, you know, I like that the waiter has the confidence in me that they think that I'll be able to name a dressing they have. Yeah, I think it's a gift. Okay, so you've gotten one, right? So.

[A]

Yes. Good.

[B]

Finally. This is from a listener named Callie. Gift her a curse. Calling your partner the Boss.

[A]

That's. That's fun. That's gift. I like that. What's up, Boss, my man?

[B]

Great.

[A]

Yeah. And possibly you're married to Bruce Springsteen.

[B]

That's a really good point. Interesting. I wonder if his wife calls him the Boss. Is he married?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

To the Boss. The Boss, Yeah.

[A]

I had a shitty pitch for SNL sketch where it was Undercover Boss, but it's just Bruce Springsteen with a mustache. And he was trying to like, he's.

[B]

Going after the E Street Band.

[A]

Well, he was just like helping the crew load up and he's like, what do you guys think about Springsteen? They're like, come on, man.

[B]

That's not a bad idea.

[A]

No, it's just a fun. It's a fake idea.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, where does this go?

[A]

Yeah, that's a pitch meeting sketch idea.

[B]

Yeah, that's like last minute thing. It's. It sounds like an idea.

[A]

It's just the worst. No, it's not a sketch.

[B]

Moving on. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. A gift.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Your partner is the Boss. Maybe you're in a relationship with your employer.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I support that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

More people should be in a relationship with their boss. I feel like that's a healthy dynamic.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Meeting the Boss at the workplace, falling head over heels. Go for it.

[A]

Yeah. You're getting promoted because sexual favors are being exchanged.

[B]

This is a healthy thing to do.

[A]

Absolutely healthy.

[B]

It's calling yourself person the Boss in front of your other employer, other co workers. Everybody loves it. Everybody thinks this is normal. Go for it, Linda. I think, I mean, it's a gift. No matter which way you cut it.

[A]

That's very fun.

[B]

You've gotten. You got two out of three. Amazing.

[A]

Why did I say eight?

[B]

Eight. Okay. That's a good question. We get this occasionally from the guest. I have a. At this point, I might. I might need Annalise to organize this list. It's a Google Doc that's probably a thousand pages long.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

With listener suggestions. And I use the number that the guest gives me to go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. That's one. Just to keep things fair, to keep things nice and even.

[A]

It sounds like hell for you.

[B]

It is hell for me to know the hell I'm going to.

[A]

Why don't you pick the three most interesting ones?

[B]

But there are so many interesting ones, and you know, we want.

[A]

Hey, that middle one was not interesting.

[B]

It was for Julia.

[A]

We need to play more than just Julia. You got to think about the other ones.

[B]

This is kind of a Julia centric podcast. Every episode is dead dedicated to Julia.

[A]

And her non problems.

[B]

She's creating all this drama at every restaurant she goes to. Just pick range. Julia.

[A]

You know what? I've been. I was thinking about this. We've all thought about this a little bit, and I was just kind of thinking about it, like, I know, like, just glancingly, because I do have two cars right now. Neither of them are at my house, and I just. You know, it just scans in your brain a little bit. Be like, could I. Is there a way I could drive both of those at the same time?

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

I mean, I know you can't, but, like, it is just like, there's gotta be a fucking way.

[B]

Like, there's a machine. There's some sort of gadget that you could do that with.

[A]

I was talking with Wit about it. You can turn one of the cars, put it in reverse, so then you at least have both steering wheels or. Right.

[B]

You have to have access to what, one instrument, and then.

[A]

Yeah, your feet are in both. One foot in each car. I don't think I'm gonna try it, but.

[B]

But it's the beginning of that idea.

[A]

Really helped me. Cause currently in just. Just pure hell up here in this brain with this car.

[B]

I don't think you're overthinking it. You just need, like, a long stick that you can kind of push pedals with. Yeah, a grabber.

[A]

110 is going to be tricky.

[B]

It's. I mean, the 110 is tricky. No, that's what I'm saying. You know, it's like. It's dangerous. Who cares? Why not just go for it. Two cars flying down the 110. One driver. People would appreciate.

[A]

That's what's rattling around in my brain. That's an actual problem, Linda.

[B]

Julia, I do have one for. What is it like. Okay, now we both have to answer, Annalise.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

After a curse.

[A]

I bet it's a real one. Well, this one comes out on. This episode comes out on January 2nd, so I figured I would ask.

[B]

Oh, gift or a curse?

[A]

New Year's Eve coverage.

[B]

Oh, coverage like rocking New Year's Eve, etc.

[A]

Absolutely. Gift. People are smashed on that thing. People are wasted. It's great. You see, like. Like, who's the. Andy Cohen? Like, blacked out. It's really fun.

[B]

So drunk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So unprofessional.

[A]

I think that. I think, like, two years ago, they went. They went hard, and then, like, it was, like. It was one of these years where they. Clearly, there was a mandate where they had to be like, we're not drinking this year. Like, we're. Else. This is not a thing.

[B]

I think Don Lemon went too far with the drinking. I remember being like, oh, this person's career is cratering. What's happening here? This man is actively. Like, he would be drunk privately. It would be a bad situation. And he's like, on television.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I agree. A gift. Getting to see all of that, and then you get to, like, they'll have these bands that no one has ever heard of in a million years, and they're playing in some weird studio in Burbank. It's the time of their life, and you get to witness things that you're like, no one's heard this song before, and somehow they've weaseled their way into this coverage. I love it. It gives you a new look into the world that you don't usually see.

[A]

That's fun.

[B]

And you don't have to go to Times Square, which, I mean.

[A]

I mean, just seeing those. What are you doing? What went wrong?

[B]

What. What drives anyone to do that?

[A]

This is awful.

[B]

It's just an obviously bad thing to do.

[A]

Have you ever been hammered on tv?

[B]

No. I should be every day.

[A]

I was hammered one time on snl. Snl on Act. Well, it. But to be fair, it wasn't on purpose. I was blanked out of the show, wasn't in any sketches. This is a bad week. You know, you're not even in it. Not in one dress rehearsal.

[B]

Oh, that's. That is not a.

[A]

And I still got to be there.

[B]

That's not a fair work. That's Cave.

[A]

Got to get there at noon. Noon.

[B]

Lauren's calling you.

[A]

So I get there at noon and I'm fucking miserable. I'm not having a good time in general, but this is peak bad. I start drinking at noon just in my fucking dressing room. Dress happens. Don't even watch it. Don't even watch dress. Oh, I'm trashed. And then in Lauren's office, between dress and air, I'm, I'm not even in the office. I'm outside fucking around with, like, Fred Armisen. I'm just, like, doing bits. I'm not in the office. Brooks, get in the meeting. I was like, I got in there. Like, you're in the sketch. Like, I got added into a sketch.

[B]

Oh, that's not fair.

[A]

Well, it's very fair. It's how the job goes. But I didn't know that could happen.

[B]

The things they put. The feeling you have when you don't think you're gonna be on the show, of course you're drunk.

[A]

I'm so hammered. So then I'm fully. For a live show, the sketch, like, imploded. It was Melissa McCarthy and like a wall fell during the, like, the sketch was all bad and I'm just in the background of it being like, I shouldn't be on TV right now. I didn't even, I think I had a line and I went to the writers. I was like, you gotta take that line away. I think the only guy.

[B]

Did I take it away?

[A]

Yeah. I was like, I'm in a bad way.

[B]

If I was the writer, I'd be like, no, we're giving you more.

[A]

They were like, this could be bad. So I was like, uh, oh. After that, I, I, I learned a big old lesson. I was like, I could have got fired today.

[B]

Don't be drunk at work.

[A]

Even if you think you're not going to have to work that day, there's.

[B]

A chance you might have to work.

[A]

Chance you might have to work.

[B]

You have to work. Everybody ever, like, thrown up on SNL or anything like that?

[A]

No, I actually asked that question. I was like, what's like, the craziest thing that like, like, does anybody, like, has anybody ever, like, from the crowd, like, round up or anything? You know, it's fucking 50 years and now? No.

[B]

Why not? I mean, it's just that makes me sad about humanity.

[A]

The. My favorite story I have from this, I was like, what happened when Katy Perry got caught lip syncing?

[B]

Oh, right. What happened?

[A]

So super quiet. And there's these double doors that go out from the studio to the hallway, super quiet. Everyone's like, what the fuck just happened? That's just, like, eerily quiet. And then Joe Simpson, her dad, who's her manager.

[B]

Oh, wait, so you said Katy Perry. Ashley Simpson.

[A]

Ashley Simpson. So sorry.

[B]

Yeah, let's go.

[A]

Perry did great. Ashley, maybe. Ashley Simpson. Ashley Simpson. What happened when she got caught? Lips.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And Joe Simpson, like, busted through the double doors and yelled, well, it's all over. And he was right.

[B]

He totally was all over. It was so much the end. That's so great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That guy is such a weirdo.

[A]

Just so funny. Wow.

[B]

That's amazing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wish that was recorded.

[A]

I know.

[B]

He should have. Oh, he should have burst on while she was doing it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, Joe Simpson. I'm surprised he didn't. The guy is so strange and so fame hungry. Yeah, let's get him back on tv.

[A]

Absolutely. Wasn't he, like, a reality show part.

[B]

Of that, or like, he was always involved. He was always talking about his daughter's bodies in ways where we're like, what's happening? And then did he come out? Is he gay? There's a chance that the situation was really evolving.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But I could be wrong. It just feels like. Right? It feels like if you're Jessica Simpson's dad, you probably are gay. Let's see what's happening here. Annalise seems very concerned.

[A]

We don't know. We'll never know. I mean, I guess there might have.

[B]

Been rumors that he denied it. Is he still alive? This part's.

[A]

Sorry. He doesn't have a Wikipedia. This is making it very difficult.

[B]

He doesn't have a Wikipedia page. What? Okay. Something's gone horribly wrong. Well, Anneliese, were we correct or what?

[A]

Of course you were correct. There's nothing I find more joy in than watching people, as said before, get hammered on tv. It's why I love the Golden Globes.

[B]

It's such a rare thing to see. Just getting drunk on television, being inebriated. Okay, well, we won. Good for us. And we need to answer a listener question real quick. This is called I said no emails. Will you help me answer a question?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My listeners are begging for answers. People write into I said no gifts gmail.com. and this says, hello, Bridger. And the person speaking with Bridger, that's you.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I'm a family therapist and I work for a non profit organization with very limited financial resources, thanks to the greed of our CEO and other superiors. Oh, should have named some names. Because of our funding concerns, we are quite limited in materials for therapeutic activities to engage with children and their families. I'm wondering if you and your guest have any ideas for activities for families to do with me to promote healing without promoting capitalism. Will you help me do my job and not spend any money with love? Anonymous therapist. Wow. I mean, the perfect podcast to come to with this question. I would say.

[A]

Yeah, what free stuff to do with.

[B]

The families to promote healing without promoting capitalism. I mean, okay, well, this person has put a lot on our shoulders.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

The weight of a nation.

[A]

Go to a park.

[B]

Get a ball of yarn and throw it around. I mean, I guess that costs money. I mean, this is what you do. You do. I think what these families need is a common enemy, which could be this therapist. The therapist gives them chores to do. Go clean some windows, rake leaves, do community service. This is the perfect sort of thing where this family, no matter what's going on with their problems, they'll have a new problem that they can all focus on, which is this horrible therapist.

[A]

The hatred bond.

[B]

Yeah, the hatred bond. Let them grow to hate you, and then you can release them, and they'll be totally healed. I'll say.

[A]

That's good. That's real good. Common enemy.

[B]

Yeah, common enemy. And if the therapist doesn't want to take that on, they can gossip about the CEO with these families. Yeah, I feel like talking shit heals.

[A]

I also am confused on why you are a family therapist, but somehow a CEO is taking all your resources.

[B]

CEO of your therapy, the nonprofit. Apparently, this is a very corrupt.

[A]

Okay, interesting.

[B]

Somebody's lining their pockets at this nonprofit with the money that should be leading to healing.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Why this. This person should be blowing the whistle a little harder. I think that name should have been named. The organization should have been named.

[A]

Her name should have been named.

[B]

Yeah, she should have stood up and said, but she's anonymous. This is happening.

[A]

She didn't even tell us. If you're going to whistleblow, whistle. This is the worst type of whistleblower. And you're like, things are happening. I'm not going to tell you where or who I am. What are you doing? This isn't a whistleblower doing shit.

[B]

This is a tease. Yeah, I mean, I think the first thing this therapist needs to do is work on themselves. That's what I'll say.

[A]

Oh, there we go.

[B]

There we go. Find another therapist within the nonprofit to help you blow the whistle and get rid of the CEO.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

There'll be a power shift. There'll be. Everything will work out, and these Families will finally get the attention they need.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

I mean, it's so easy. Why did they even write in? Is the big question.

[A]

Right. Right there.

[B]

I mean, this coward is a loser. It won't even name themselves.

[A]

Imagine how email read and you get called a coward and a loser.

[B]

You're like, well, write a better email.

[A]

And stand up for yourself.

[B]

Dare you. Yes. This organization needs a hero. And it's not this person. Person. And I hate to hear it. It's you and I. Yep. And. And that CEO. I mean, the CEO is making a little money. Who cares? We've all got to make it somehow.

[A]

CEO.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Nobody's like, I love my CEO. CEO's famously good guys.

[B]

Well, we answered it perfectly, listener. Don't write back in unless you want to give us your name next time. I've got my new mustards.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've had such a wonderful time.

[A]

This is really fun. Bridger. Thank you so much.

[B]

Thank you for being here. And throw these in the cupboard and see what happens to them.

[A]

They could grow.

[B]

Yeah, they could grow. Maybe. They could grow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have my little. Maybe I'll.

[A]

I didn't know they were expired, and I do apologize for that.

[B]

Don't apologize for that.

[A]

Okay. To me, I really did feel like, look, I live by myself right now. And I'm like, I'm not gonna use these. Like, this is.

[B]

There's no way. When are you pulling out the pineapple mustard for yourself? Yeah, exactly.

[A]

I was like, maybe you like to cook or know somebody would like to cook these. These are. Are decent items, but they are expired.

[B]

It actually, I don't think it works in any situation because I feel like if you bring out the honey pineapple, people are, like, always trying to be fancy. This is kind of sad, too. There's just no situation where this actually works.

[A]

What villain gave these to me is what I want to know.

[B]

Well, thank you for being here.

[A]

Thank you so much. This is really, really fun.

[B]

And listener, the podcast is over. There's really nothing left to say to you. I hope you find something to do with your time today. And we'll just wrap it up here. I love you. Goodbye. I said no Gifts is an exactly right production. Our senior producer is Anneliese Nelson, and our episodes are beautifully mixed by Ben Tolliday. The theme song is by miracle worker Amy Mann. And we couldn't do it without our booker, Patrick Cotner. You must follow the show on Instagram at. I said no gifts. That's where you're going to see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting and don't you want to see the gifts?

[A]

When I invited you here, thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you gotta come to me empty handed. I. I said no. Guess your presence is present enough. And I already had too much stuff, so how do you dare disobey me?