Bryan Safi Returns to Disobey Bridger Again

Summary

I Said No Gifts!

Episode: "Bryan Safi Returns to Disobey Bridger Again"

Date: July 2, 2026
Host: Bridger Winegar
Guest: Bryan Safi

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Episode Overview

In this Fourth of July–week episode, comedian and returning guest Bryan Safi joins Bridger Winegar for a characteristically warm, rambling, and riotously funny backyard chat. Bryan (once again) breaks the rules by bringing gifts—prompting deep-dives into the philosophy of presents, Fourth of July dread, summer social anxieties, and a variety of pop culture reveries. This episode showcases Bridger and Bryan’s sparkling banter, love for granular observations, and high-camp wit, including tarot readings, laundry-like gift unwrapping, impromptu etiquette inventions, and reflections on what makes a party “worth attending.”

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Fourth of July Dread & Social Awkwardness ([05:50]–[22:24])

• Mutual Loathing for July 4th: Both host and guest bond over feeling alienated by Fourth of July celebrations, associating the holiday with loneliness, awkward parties, and existential funk.
  • Bryan: “I hate and am scared of and feel the worst about myself on the Fourth of July. I’m never invited. I don't know why.” ([17:25])
  • Bridger: “I think that might have something to do with mine… A summer party is really not the sort of thing that I can really vibe with… The food's not for me." ([18:49])
• Seasonal Anxiety: They both share that summer is actually their least favorite season, and daytime drinking or pool parties just aren’t their thing.
• Firework Snobbery: Both confess to feeling “above” local fireworks displays, joking about being too refined for such “trashy” festivities while admitting to a simultaneous desire for social invitations.
  • Bridger: “It's so annoying. It's trashy. I'll say it. It's classless.” ([22:01])

Pop Culture Spiral: TV, Snacks, and Granola Opinions ([05:46]–[15:33])

• Little House on the Prairie: Massive dissection of favorite and least favorite characters, especially the delicious villainy of Mrs. Olsen.
  • Bryan: “She’s a girl boss and she gets destroyed by other women.” ([08:11])
• Granola Debates: The perils of mixing peanut butter and chocolate granolas; the sometimes-mysterious chemistry of “Purely Elizabeth” granola.
  • Bryan: “The last two times I’ve had it, there has been something off about it… none of it felt or tasted pure.” ([10:11])
• Random Snack Observations: Musings on plastic packaging (Trader Joe’s biscotti “excellent plastic”), chocolate coffee granola, and the caffeinated dangers of chocolate-covered espresso beans.

Fashion, Nostalgia, and Names ([14:29]–[16:33])

• School Secretary Dinosaur Names: They riff about the extinct, old-fashioned secretary names like Brenda, Sherry, Linda—wondering if and when they’ll cycle back.
• 90s TV Memories: Brief forays into 90210, Married with Children, and Melrose Place; professing nostalgia for stars like Heather Locklear.

Fourth of July: Deeper into the Psychology ([22:29]–[23:44])

• Reading Recommendations: Discussing their latest reads—true crime, “Peep Show,” “The Winner” by Teddy Wayne, “The Guest.”
• Ripley on Netflix: Both agree this under-watched show should have had a bigger mainstream moment, and such “Ripley” types would never be caught dead at a Fourth of July party.

Gift Unwrapping & Demonstration ([30:06]–[34:43])

• Surprise Gift #1: Turkish Lemon-Lime Wipes

  • Bryan raves about luxury “plane wipes” from Turkey, introducing Bridger to their unmatched scent and practicality.
  • Notable exchange:
    • Bryan: “This is the best. It comes from Turkey. It’s a lemon-lime scent… You open it, you do your business wiping everything down. You fold it back in that pouch, you reuse, and you dispose of it.” ([31:10])
    • Bridger tests one in real time. Result: “Oh, it’s lovely. Isn’t it great? Oh, it’s so clean. Yeah. It’s so clean. And just unfold that thing—oh, it’s enormous. This is a blanket.” ([31:22–31:30])

• Bryan’s “Private Client”: Amusingly, Bryan refers to his boyfriend as his “private client,” who sources these wipes from Turkey.

Vacation Talk & Dirty Sodas ([34:46]–[36:56])

• Mexico City with Michelle Collins: Bryan shares his travel antics.
• Dirty Mountain Dew: The messy joys (and hazards) of weird regional sodas (“seafoam green” Baja Blast with cream), as seen/heard on Michelle Collins’ show.

Gift #2: Pocket Psychic Tarot Reading ([39:14]–[51:44])

• Three-Card Tarot Pull: Bryan gifts Bridger a mystery “Pocket Psychic Tarot” reading, referencing the highs and lows of previous tarot experiences.

• Reading for Bridger:

  • The Sun (“energy being released from the past”): “You’re walking on sunshine. Let yourself bask in the good times. Your creativity is on fire.”
  • The World (“present”): “Congratulations! You’ve reached completion of a major project, milestone, or cycle… Now it’s time to begin the entire process again.”
  • The Chariot (“future”): “It’s time to get crystal clear on your direction… Forge your own path.”
  • Bridger (reflecting): “I just organized my pants in my closet. Just put them in separate piles…” ([46:00])
  • Bryan: “You got three really good cards. It’s going to turn me into a monster.” ([49:50])

• Tarot Philosophy: Riff on how horoscopes work (“You could say whatever you want and then no one's gonna remember” – Bryan, [41:53]), and Bridger improvises a multi-take generalized horoscope about “striking a healthy balance with dogs.”

Queer Adolescence, Gossip, and the Mean Gay Party ([50:07]–[52:22])

• “Latent Adolescence”: They discuss how many gay men feel “robbed” of a true teenage phase and thus prolong a youthful, mischievous spirit.
  • Bryan: “Let me have a fun crush. Yes. Let me be just mean as shit to you.” ([50:26])
• Gay Social Dynamics: Why neither fits the “mean gay” Fourth of July party circuit (nor would pose shirtless in party photos).

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Games & Memorable Moments

Invite List Game ([58:00]–[60:07])

• Premise: Bridger rattles off celeb names; Bryan must fill his 10-person party guestlist in real-time.
• Bryan’s guest list: Rowan Atkinson, Frank Ocean, Demi Moore, Bon Jovi, Keke Palmer, Zendaya, Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Aniston, Latoya Jackson, Simone Biles.
• Bryan: “That is a fun group. No one at this party has to do any work if Keke Palmer’s there… She should sit right in the middle, to be honest.” ([60:10])

It’s Only Polite — Invent-a-Manner Segment ([60:40]–[66:59])

• Bridger’s Rule: At a red light, two honks (not one) are “polite” to nudge the car ahead—one is aggressive (“One honk is angry. Two honks, it’s a nudge.” – [61:13])
• Bryan’s Rule: “It’s really impolite to invite me on your balcony… and not treat your balcony like part of your home… If you want me to sit on your patio furniture, can you just wipe it down?”
• Both: Surprised at how much tone, context, and etiquette has crept into digital and real worlds (“I now maybe am such a delicate flower that occasionally an email… I think one exclamation point instead of two is a statement.” – Bryan, [61:50])

Listener Advice: Opera Student Dilemma ([67:00]–[71:09])

• Letter: Opera student (“Webb”) asks how to “subtly shame” lazy classmates.
• Both: Admonish Webb for trying to police others—insist on leading by talent, not scolding.
  • Bridger: “Just mind your own business… You’re just trying to bully other people to make yourself feel better.” ([69:53])
  • Both admit their own limitations as singers (“No one’s given me a chance,” Bridger, [70:34]; “I can’t even sing happy birthday,” Bryan, [70:36]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Lines

• Bridger (on Fourth of July): “A summer party is really not the sort of thing that I can really vibe with… The activities aren’t really for me. The food’s not for me.” ([18:49])
• Bryan: “Nothing makes me feel like a loser more than the Fourth.” ([18:42])
• Bridger: “It’s trashy. I’ll say it. It’s classless.” ([22:01], on LA fireworks)
• Bryan (on gift wipes): “This is the best. It comes from Turkey. It’s a lemon-lime scent… you open it, you do your business wiping everything down.” ([31:10])
• Tarot Reading: “You’re walking on sunshine. Let yourself bask in the good times. Your creativity is on fire.” ([44:00])
• Bridger: “I’ve just got a whole encyclopedia of words in my head that can’t be used right. Oh, what a waste of a life.” ([71:04])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Fourth of July Dread and Summer Socials: [05:50]–[22:24]
• Pop Culture/Granola/TV: [05:46]–[15:33]
• Gift Unwrapping - Turkish Wipes: [30:06]–[34:43]
• Gift Unwrapping - Tarot Deck + Reading: [39:14]–[51:44]
• Invite List Game: [58:00]–[60:07]
• Politeness/Etiquette Segment: [60:40]–[66:59]
• Listener Opera Program Advice: [67:00]–[71:09]

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Conclusion

This is an episode rich with cozy banter, neurotic confession, pop culture asides, and creative comedy. Bridger and Bryan’s overlapping anxieties and sensibilities make their dynamic quick-witted and always self-deprecating. The recurring refusal to throw or attend “performative” events, mixed with a yearning to feel included, keeps the episode laugh-out-loud funny yet relatable for anyone who’s ever dreaded a summer party.

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To see this episode’s gifts, follow @isaidnogifts on Instagram.
For bonus content, visit the show’s Patreon.
Get tickets for Bryan Safi’s Off-Broadway show “Are You Mad At Me?” at areyoumadatmeshow.com ([56:24])

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

It's a long term contract with no Release clause only.

[B]

9.99? Yeah, that sounds like the move.

[A]

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[B]

When I invited you here, I thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you gotta come to me empty handed. I said no. Guess your presence is present enough. And I already had too much stuff, so. How do you dare disobey me? Welcome to I said no gifts. I'm Bridger Weiniger. We're here. I was just told that this episode is coming out July 2nd. It's Fourth of July weekend. I'm waving my flag. I'm falling into a deep depression. This is. I think I've talked about this on the podcast before. Historically, the most depressing day of the year for me is the fourth of July. Something happens to my body. Something happens to the chemicals in my body. I'm gonna bottom out. Let's see what else. I actually planned to open this on camera just to give myself something to do. I could have done this before the episode, but listen to that. This is a Diet Coke. I know they don't want me to tell you that. Okay, I've had my sip of Diet Coke. I'M losing control. Last night, I absolutely lost control. I mixed one granola with another type of granola and it was a bomb. It was a huge bomb. That was my treat for the evening. And then I'm just sitting there chewing through this granola, trying to enjoy a television show. Is there business to do? Oh, I mean, actually, speaking of the. We're back. We keep falling off the train and getting back on the Little House on the Prairie train. Last night we watched. We got into an episode where Charles and Laura teamed up to kill a horse. And they succeeded. And we have Patreon. I'm gonna do. I'm gonna really laser focus right now and try to promote the Patreon like someone who wants you to get on it. Patreon.com IsaidNoGifts Bonus episodes. You're gonna hear a bonus episode with Ellis, with my mom, with Jim, my boyfriend. Plus past guests, new guests. I'm posting just videos that I probably shouldn't be posting online. Nothing pornographic yet. We were doing all kinds of things. It's a wonderful time. It's a great way to support the podcast. That was a pretty good way to promote the Patreon. So get on. Do that. You owe me. And I think. I mean, no, I don't have any other business. I saw Disclosure Day over the weekend. I knew there was going to be a problem with the CGI deer. I didn't realize they were also going to have a problem with the CGI fox and a CGI bird. It's essentially the cast of Zootopia has entered this movie and the bird enchants Emily Blunt and kind of bewitches her. The disappointment for me at the end of that movie was I was hoping the alien was going to ask to be the new weather lady. Didn't happen. I've done it all. I've talked about everything I've done. Beautiful Self promotion. You're trapped with me here. Let's get into the podcast. I adore today's guest. I'm so glad he's here. It's Brian. Safi. Brian, welcome back to. I said no gifts.

[A]

Thank you, few things. Hey, I'm so happy to see you.

[B]

I'm so happy to see you.

[A]

You're simply the greatest.

[B]

No, you are.

[A]

You put me at ease, honestly. Unlike practically. Except maybe Little House on the Prairie does for me. Because I gotta say, first of all, I was just in Texas visiting my family.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

My parents are on the Michael Landon train. They're still not just Little House. Highway to Heaven.

[B]

The highway to Heaven, which is on Roku.

[A]

Oh, it is on the Roku.

[B]

Roku's getting the exclusives that people want.

[A]

Absolutely. And I have to say, it had been a minute since I had seen Little House on the Prairie. I cannot get enough of Mrs. Olsen.

[B]

Oh, I can't get enough. Nellie Olsen, of course.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Nellie is straight up the worst person. And you know what I love about her? She wears it on her face. She lets you know.

[B]

Yes, she knows exactly who she is.

[A]

She does. And she wears it. And she delivers at every turn.

[B]

Criminally underused, I would say.

[A]

I can't believe that. I gotta be honest with you. She, to me, is just as valuable as anyone else in that show.

[B]

More. They should have killed off the mom season one and just brought Nellie in to kind of push people around.

[A]

And I gotta tell you, it really drives me crazy when the mom gets the best of Mrs. Olsen.

[B]

Oh, I. The mom doesn't deserve to get the upper hand on Mrs. Olsen.

[A]

Mrs. Olsen works also another person who works so hard at being the most obnoxious person on the planet that you gotta give it up or she schemes. Oh, she's so fat. She gets humiliated in church every week.

[B]

She's ripping off customers.

[A]

She's awful. I just watched an episode actually where she was. What happens? Oh, she meant to print in the newspaper 10% off on the store.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Those little twerps over a Little House on the Prairie thought it would be funny to add a zero to the ten boy. So everyone. 100% off. So everyone lines up at the store and Mrs. Olson is like, oh, my God, look at how this promotion worked. And everyone comes in and just starts taking everything. And then she looks in the paper and sees it's 100% off. And I thought to myself a. We now have discovered that everyone on this show is immoral.

[B]

Oh, of course. Yeah. They're willing to take advantage of a small business owner.

[A]

Correct. It was. Honestly, I really felt for her. And then she was humiliated in church because it was her get back because she had been printing gossip in the newspaper about other people in the town entertaining people. I literally thought to myself, finally, something to do there. Yes, that's all we need.

[B]

Also, gossip is a great thing for protection. It lets us know who's bad around town, who to stay away from. Purely a public service that she was providing. She gets ripped off. She gets her business ripped off. She's a girl boss.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

And she gets destroyed by other women.

[A]

Honestly, I would love. I'm Having the time of my life right now. I would love for Mrs. Olson to. Honestly, she shouldn't even be a guest. She should have a podcast and we could just go through gossip and talk about local crime.

[B]

I think Mrs. Olson was justified in killing at least one member of the town. That should have happened.

[A]

I couldn't agree more. And she should have gotten off. You know what I mean? It should have been a. Okay that she did it.

[B]

Yes. I mean, they basically paint her as someone who is as evil as a murderer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why not just have her kill one person?

[A]

Could not agree more.

[B]

They have people drifting through the town all the time. Somebody who wouldn't be missed. You know, it's just like, let her kill him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's basically abusing her husband.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That's not a healthy relationship in any way.

[A]

Zero. I do have a couple of questions for you. Was one of the granolas purely Elizabeth? Because I will shoot through the roof if it was.

[B]

Now this is an interesting thing though, because what kind of got me on my recent granola train.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

My sister said, have you tried pure Elizabeth peanut butter cookie?

[A]

Oh, it's pure Elizabeth. Okay.

[B]

Or wait, what did you say?

[A]

I said purely. But maybe it's pure. I don't know.

[B]

Well, it should be. It's one should be Elizabeth only. Yeah. Strictly Elizabeth granola.

[A]

So how was this peanut butter granola?

[B]

It was delicious.

[A]

Okay, good.

[B]

So good. It was. But it was essentially just candy. You know, it's like. I think there's like a lot of sugar. It's like. It was wonderful. So then I started looking for other granolas that were adjacent but weren't. Maybe as cookie esque.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I found Trader Joe's Peanut Butter Protein Granola.

[A]

That sounds pretty good.

[B]

Delicious. Not too sweet.

[A]

Yeah, that's the key.

[B]

And so then I mixed it with a chocolate coffee granola from Trader Joe's Chocolate Coffee Granola.

[A]

Does it look like chocolate? Is it like. Okay. Ooh, that sounds good.

[B]

That was the bad element. But why are you so anti purely Elizabeth? You're anti purely Elizabeth Beyond.

[A]

Why the last two times I've had it, there has been something off about it. Felt too chemically or it felt. It tasted a little almost turned or burnt or something. And I really. It just hit me the wrong way. And I guess my problem with it was none of it felt or tasted pure. It tasted like there was an additive in there that almost. Maybe it was a mug.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

Stevia. Something in there that I really. Sourness.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Exactly. And to me I thought, you know what, Liz? You're Elizabeth when you earn it. You're Liz when you don't.

[B]

No, I see her now that I'm aware of the brand, I see her, and I assume she's a real person. All of her flavors, and there are so many that it's almost like yogurt land adjacent. Where you're like, well, I know that the flavor's not. Couldn't possibly be real. So I wonder if there's a lot of that sort of food science magic.

[A]

She does seem to have a cinnamon happening, a blueberry moment. She does delve into all the yogurt flavors, Right?

[B]

Yeah. I just mix some oats and peanut butter together and burn it. I'm ready to go.

[A]

Is the chocolate one good on its own?

[B]

I don't think it's that great.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It was almost. Basically what I was trying to do is I've got the chocolate, I've got a move through this, and that seems like a decent combination that I think is kind of a phony flavor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it doesn't make any sense. And I do think it has caffeine in it, which is a weird thing to be eating at like, 10:30 at night.

[A]

Can I ask a, like, truly the dumbest question that's ever been.

[B]

Please.

[A]

You know, like chocolate covered espresso beans.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Do those have caffeine?

[B]

Oh, yeah, they must. Okay.

[A]

Because people aren't eating those during the day, are they? To me, it's an after dark treatment.

[B]

Yeah. That's not something you, like, wake up in the morning and throw a few in your mouth and get going.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It is like. Yeah. It's a.

[A]

It's like an adult dessert.

[B]

Totally. Oh, interesting. I've always felt like they're just kind of a bad idea because you can't eat that many of those. No. And when you're eating that type of thing, you want at least a handful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To eat a whole handful of espresso beans feels dangerous.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I can eat one, but then it's like.

[A]

Then it's like, what are you gonna do? It would take a year to get through one carton of those. Right?

[B]

Yeah, just. It was like a pill at that point. Yeah. I think in theory, we were on board with it, but no one's just buying a bag of espresso beans.

[A]

I can see it at Trader Joe's right now. Cause it's in the plastic square thing, I think.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Like above.

[B]

Yeah, totally. The little plastic thing. That's what I get their biscotti in.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The hazelnut chocolate biscotti, which are fine.

[A]

Can I be honest with you? It's a good plastic.

[B]

It is. It's an excellent plastic.

[A]

It's sturdy, it's shapely.

[B]

The shape is kind of stackable.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm sure it's loading up the food with whatever BPA microplastics we need.

[A]

Just eating credit cards.

[B]

Essential

[A]

for sure.

[B]

Yeah. Now I'm thinking the espresso beans. I bet those are in a lot of high school secretary. Like the front desk person's drawer. You can see somebody popping one of those while dealing with high schoolers.

[A]

Absolutely. Sherry is devouring. Sherry's devouring them.

[B]

I'm trying to think of what our elementary school secretary. It started with a D. It was like. It wasn't Donna, Deirdre, Deanna. Donna.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was like a step above all of that even. It was very like, madman office.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I wish I could remember.

[A]

Did you say Dina already? You did. Dina.

[B]

It was like the final level of those D names. It's a shame I can't remember Matt.

[A]

Names switched fast. I gotta tell you. Like, all of the school secretary names when I was growing up were names that you do.

[B]

You never hear dinosaur. Dinosaurs.

[A]

Dinosaur names. It's wild. It was such a vibe, too. It was. Cause it really fit them.

[B]

Right. And now I wonder. We're probably like 20 years out from those coming back.

[A]

Probably. You think they will like Linda.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That sort of thing. Sherry.

[B]

Those will feel classic, like right now, like Pearl and Opal and that sort of thing. But Brenda is gonna come back.

[A]

I love a Brend. I love a baby.

[B]

Brenda.

[A]

Well, it reminds me of 90210. Did you get into that show?

[B]

No, I didn't. But Brenda, of course, I'm familiar with.

[A]

Did you not get into that show because you were just like, maybe you were too young for it.

[B]

I think it was like I was probably just slightly too young and the fam. Like, we weren't allowed to watch a lot of things on tv, like basically anything that aired on Fox. Weirdly, Fox was pushing,

[A]

just was married with children. 90210 Melrose Place. It was like edgy, sort of dyed, you know, blonde, kind of roots showing tv.

[B]

But those are the ones we remember now, obviously. Peggy Bundy.

[A]

Yeah. Iconic.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Heather Locklear. Think about her every.

[B]

Think about her. Constant on the way here today.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where is she?

[A]

Good question. It has to be Malibu, right? Oh, I'm sure she was one of those Richie Sambora.

[B]

Yeah. I hope her Home survived. Or she's going to be running for mayor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wonder where he is now.

[A]

Where is he now?

[B]

He's probably gotten his wagon, headed out of town now.

[A]

I wonder if he was. Because, you know, everyone always thought the guy in charge probably just wanted a show on Fox, you know?

[B]

Right.

[A]

And it turns out, no, he actually wanted much more than that. I wonder if this guy just ultimately wants a show on Fox and stops there.

[B]

Spencer Pratt. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. He just wants someone to look at him.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

And to pay off whatever extreme debt he's gotten himself into. Did you watch that show Extreme Debt?

[A]

No, no. But sure, that's a good show. That would be good.

[B]

You just watch people get their car

[A]

reposted because you want to know something? It's basically housewives. They just don't say.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

It's basically everyone has filed for bankruptcy. Everyone is so broke. And they would just. They're lying about it. But like, that's what. That's what that show is.

[B]

In the 90s, that would have been a show on Fox called Women in the World's worst debt.

[A]

Yeah. 100%. Yes, it would be. And now we just called Diluted.

[B]

But wait, what show were you asking if I had seen? Let's see.

[A]

Can I be honest with you? No idea. I have no clue.

[B]

I'm trying to. Like, we were between Spencer Pre. Oh, the Hills. Probably never saw the Hills.

[A]

Yeah, I saw maybe like, I want to say a good, like 10 episodes. It wasn't anything, though, that I was.

[B]

It just kind of happened to be on that one. I. Yeah, I just. And he was. Everyone truly hated him.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I. And I. By design. I'm pretty sure.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I think that's what he wanted.

[B]

And then the fact that anyone got on board with him was so mind boggling to me. I just don't understand how anything works.

[A]

Can I mention something else you talked about?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

I hate and am scared of and feel the worst about myself on the fourth of July.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I feel I'm never invited.

[B]

Oh, my God, this is great to hear.

[A]

I've never invited. Oh, no. Ever. I don't know why. It's like the one thing that no one ever invites me to. I have never hosted either, in fairness.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

And I pretend I don't care. And then I hear the fireworks and I think to myself, I am alone for this.

[B]

You're just in an unfurnished room in the shadows.

[A]

And I am walking as fast as I can. Cause for some reason, the past few years been in New York. So you're on the river. Yeah.

[B]

They're undeniable.

[A]

Undeniable. And I walk with full horse blinders on. Because I think to myself, as long as I don't see them, oh, it's so sad.

[B]

My heart.

[A]

As long as I don't see them, I'll be okay. I just can't see them. I only need to hear them. And then I'll go back to my apartment, watch probably Housewives or maybe Little House. We don't know. Both great American programs, possibly, depending on how broken I am eating a bullet. Purely Elizabeth. We don't know. I hate it. It makes me. Nothing makes me feel like a loser more than before.

[B]

I think that that might have something to do with mine. Because even if I do go to a party, I'm like. A summer party is really not the sort of thing that I can really vibe with because I guess that's me, too. I am deeply pale. The activities aren't really for me. The food's not for me.

[A]

I don't want to take off, like, my shirt.

[B]

Yeah. I feel uncomfortable in so many different ways. And I do think this is probably true of both of us. We have friends who probably aren't big Fourth of July celebrators, so they're not hosting as many parties.

[A]

I guess that's what it is.

[B]

And the thing for me is I've determined it's the middle of the year. So you really are then, like, oh, no, what's happening? What has the last six months led to and combined with the firework sounds or all of that. And you're supposed to be happy. You're supposed to feel proud, and you're just like. I just feel weird.

[A]

And you're supposed to be excited that summer is here. And I actually. I mean, I like summer. Okay. But I would definitely say it's my least favorite season. Yeah.

[B]

Especially I don't need it in Southern California.

[A]

No.

[B]

I want to avoid it at all costs.

[A]

And also, I don't like holidays that are necessarily associated with getting a little wasted.

[B]

Oh, yes. Yeah. For me, again, I'm not getting drunk or anything, so I'm just stone cold sober watching people, like, blow their hands off.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

What's here for me.

[A]

Right. Watching dogs panic.

[B]

Oh, yeah, of course. That's the other element of it. I'm worried about my dog. I'm mad at people for lighting fireworks. I'm thinking how wasteful and stupid. I'm reminded just how kind of stupid everyone is.

[A]

Me too.

[B]

It's a bad time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I've started setting up some structure to avoid that. That feeling.

[A]

What are your structures?

[B]

Essentially just being aware it's going to happen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Making some small plan that doesn't really have anything to do with the holiday.

[A]

Okay, that's nice. Like what? Going to see a movie or.

[B]

Yeah, seeing a movie. Getting lunch with a friend.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Just something very low key. And it's nice to have a dog because then if you aren't invited to a party, you can say, well, I gotta see him with a dog.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Also, Fourth of July. This is another thing. The party happens in the middle of the day. I would rather be at a party at night.

[A]

Me too. Always during the day. I would never. I'll be honest, I would never have a drink during the day.

[B]

No.

[A]

Everything about us is horrible. It ruins my day, of course. And also, I don't know, there's just something about being in the sun and talking to people and it just is different. It just is different.

[B]

Right. If I'm going to be like around a swimming pool or a summer activity, I want a few close friends and we're just hanging out. I don't want to be like performing conversation with people.

[A]

Me neither.

[B]

That should happen in the dark.

[A]

And yet.

[B]

And yet. Here we go.

[A]

I want to be invited.

[B]

Desperate for that invite.

[A]

Desperate for that. I think people must feel that I'm not that person.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because I do get invited to other things.

[B]

See, I would invite you to my 4th of July party if I had one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'm never going to have a Fourth of July party. I would feel crazy.

[A]

I would, too. Does your neighborhood shoot off a lot of fireworks?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The air is filled with smoke.

[A]

Right.

[B]

LA goes way too far with them. Does yours?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

It's so annoying.

[A]

It's annoying.

[B]

It's really. It's trashy. I'll say it. It's classless.

[A]

Can I be honest with you? You and I, we're above it.

[B]

Unfortunately. I'm simply above it.

[A]

I think I might be.

[B]

I'm not gutter trash.

[A]

I'm not just living in a sewer waiting for booms, you know, that's not who I am.

[B]

You'll find me reading a book or consuming a documentary.

[A]

What are you reading right now?

[B]

I actually am reading a book called. I think it's called Peep Show. It's a true crime nonfiction thing about a serial killer in England in the 50s. That's dark. Really dark. Very interesting. What are you Reading.

[A]

It's called the Winner.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's about a tennis player in the Hamptons who gets. It's very talented. Mr. Ripley.

[B]

Oh, I love. I mean, I love the book, the talents, and I love Plug. Ripley on Netflix.

[A]

Ripley on Netflix is so stylish, so underrated. The conversation was not happening around that show.

[B]

It got overshadowed by baby reindeer, which.

[A]

That happened at the same time.

[B]

I understand people enjoyed it, but. But I think baby reindeer could have been any quality and everyone would have watched it. Just based on the story.

[A]

Yeah. And the name, frankly.

[B]

Oh, yeah, of course. What's going on here? Exactly. But this isn't like a kid's show. But Ripley is a little bit slower. It's so beautiful. And it was just. When I meet someone who liked Ripley, I mean, I just feel connected to them for the rest of my life.

[A]

I don't see anyone from Ripley going to a Fourth of July.

[B]

Oh, no, no, no.

[A]

Not one. They don't even live their life in color.

[B]

No. You're not going to see the fireworks.

[A]

No way. No way.

[B]

Okay. I think there is something else we should talk about. I could talk about Ripley probably for the next hour, but I just blanked because I wanted to hear more about the winner, actually.

[A]

It's great. It's very. There's like a Countess Luanne character in it. It's very sort of talented. Mr. Ripley is a good example. Also A Place in the Sun.

[B]

Oh, I'm not familiar with A Place in the Sun.

[A]

It's great. It's based on the book, I think, American Tragedy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But the movie was with Montgomery Clift and Elizabeth Taylor and Shelley Winters.

[B]

Oh, yes, of course. I'm familiar with this. I've never seen it, but yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And it's essentially just an outsider coming into a very high society environment.

[B]

I love that type of story.

[A]

Did you read the Guest, by the way?

[B]

Yeah, I was gonna bring up the Guest. I adore. That book is so good.

[A]

That book is beyond brilliant.

[B]

I think the way it feels. Like, what's you feel? Feel it happening.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So fascinating.

[A]

So this is a little. A little like that.

[B]

The winner. Who's the author? Because that title, unfortunately, is almost ungoogleable.

[A]

I'm gonna say it's not Cormac McCarthy, and I'm going to say it is. I have no idea.

[B]

Let me see. I'll try to Google it. See, it's a winner.

[A]

Winner.

[B]

David Baldacci.

[A]

That sounds right.

[B]

David Bald. 1997 crime thriller.

[A]

1997, yeah. Really?

[B]

You're reading A classic.

[A]

Wow. I would have thought it happened.

[B]

Or, let's see. Actually, there's somebody named the Winner by Teddy Wayne.

[A]

Oh, maybe that's it.

[B]

See?

[A]

Can I see the COVID That's the one I read.

[B]

Okay, Teddy Wayne, you're not reading a classic, you're reading trash.

[A]

Okay, that's fair. Nouveau riche garbage.

[B]

What is this, a beach read?

[A]

Sort of, to be honest.

[B]

No, I love a beach.

[A]

Me too. This is one.

[B]

Okay, the Winner by Teddy Wayne. And let's give credit to David Baldacci for getting there first.

[A]

Listen, I gotta tell you, you know, I read something recently that blew my socks off.

[B]

What?

[A]

Steven Spielberg, speaking of Disclosure Day, which I haven't seen, but I only want it to be her delivering the weather in that voice the entire time.

[B]

She's so good in it.

[A]

She's fabulous.

[B]

The movie, whatever. She's fantastic.

[A]

I will see it and I love her. Okay, Steven Spielberg optioned a book called Smash. Okay, that had nothing to do with.

[B]

With the NBC classic, nothing.

[A]

He liked the name, so he optioned the title for the name to create Smash the. To whatever. I don't know about create, but to co create. Whatever. Smash, the television show.

[B]

Wait, so Smash, the television show, is based on a book? That is not. It's based on the title of a

[A]

book based on the title of a book.

[B]

It's based on a word.

[A]

Yeah, it's based. It's literally based on a word.

[B]

What?

[A]

Why would you even have to option a word just because there's a novel called Smash?

[B]

Because I guess he's a really honest guy.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

He wanted the author to be paid for thinking of the word first.

[A]

You know what, though? He does seem honest, doesn't he?

[B]

Yeah, sure. What do we know about Steven Spielberg?

[A]

Nothing, really. Yeah.

[B]

Well, speaking of winners and not winning, I was looking forward to having you here today.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I was thinking, Brian will come. He'll win. He'll leave. Well, you've lost. The podcast is called I said no Gifts.

[A]

I know. I thought this one because it's small in size. I thought it would fly under the radar.

[B]

Maybe. Right. Okay. Well, it didn't. Caught you. Should we open it here on the podcast?

[A]

We might as well.

[B]

You hear the phrase vibe coding and might naturally assume the worst, but it turns out to be a genuinely useful tool for building a website. And with WIX Harmony, you can build a site quickly while still making it your own. WIX has introduced WIX Harmony, a vibe coder for websites that lets you type what you want and generate a site ready to use right away, complete with forms, payments, security and more built in. As you create business, power gets wired in. Wix will set everything up so that it's ready to go from day one and you can focus on doing your thing. And wixharmony doesn't require AI for everything. You can still click and edit anything manually or select an element and have Aria, your AI agent, make updates for you. It's a smart solution to the frustration of repeatedly prompting AI just to make small changes. Try it for [e-mail] Harmony that's wix.com Harmony hey everyone, it's Cal Penn, host of Irsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast I'm sitting down with Lily Chu, the author of the Audible original romantic comedy Just Kiss Already. It's a story about a forensic anthropologist who secretly writes mystery novels, an actress who adapts his book into a film, and what happens when a meme and a media tour collide with a slow burn romance. It's performed by Simu Lu and Philippa sue, and it is an absolute blast. When you actually hear the performance, you

[A]

realize that other people are taking your

[B]

words and what you thought was kind

[A]

of a straightforward sentence like the cat

[B]

in the corner is black.

[A]

In my head it's the cat in

[B]

the corner is black, not the dog, not the gerbil.

[A]

But someone else might say it the

[B]

cat in the the corner is black. That's always fascinating to me how they

[A]

just bring in all these different nuances

[B]

and really make it fun and interesting and distinctive. Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month is back.

[A]

So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it

[B]

turns out that's very illegal.

[A]

So there goes my big idea for the commercial.

[B]

Give it a [e-mail] switch upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for a 12 month plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50gb me slow when network is busy. See Terms.

[A]

There's a gift in there. And then I added another gift at

[B]

the very last section from something I

[A]

found in my bag while that I think should be on your radar.

[B]

Okay, let me reach in Here.

[A]

Okay, let's see which one you grab first.

[B]

Okay. So grab one at a time if you want to.

[A]

Oh, I'm glad you were. Grabbed this one first. This was the surprise gift.

[B]

What? I don't actually. Oh, it's a ref. Okay. It's. I have no idea how to say the name.

[A]

Yes, this is the. And Bridger. I have so many at home, I'm gonna ship to you. I'm not even kidding, really. Do you like a plane wipe?

[B]

Oh, of course.

[A]

Like an airplane wipe.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

This is the best. It comes from Turkey. It's a lemon lime scent. Now, I also have a lemon packaging alone. The packaging alone, by the way, you open it, you do your business wiping everything down. You fold it back in that pouch, you reuse, and you dispose of it. You can reuse. No, it does stay moist in there. Or you can dispose of it very neatly when the attendant comes by. I have to tell you, this changes everything. And it's about this big.

[B]

Should I use it now or should I save it for later?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. Use it now.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Wipe a surface.

[B]

We're. I'm gonna. I'm gonna do my hand, so then I'll do the table, see what you think.

[A]

You might not like the scent.

[B]

Oh, it's lovely. Isn't it great? Oh, it's so clean. Yeah, it's so clean.

[A]

And just unfold that thing.

[B]

Oh, it's enormous. This is a blanket.

[A]

Enormous.

[B]

I could curl up under this and go.

[A]

I really am. I have so many packages of that. I'm gonna send you one.

[B]

Oh, wait. How did you get packages?

[A]

Well, my private client who lives in New York, he is from Turkey, and he will give me these when he goes back on a visit.

[B]

It's unbelievable.

[A]

Isn't it fabulous?

[B]

Do you know how to say the name?

[A]

I don't. No.

[B]

It's really.

[A]

It says refreshing towel.

[B]

Yeah, on the back it says refreshing towel.

[A]

And it might be Qezme. Lemon, I think is what it says, which I think means, like, lemon lime. Whoa.

[B]

That's. I just did a real inhale, and I think I injured my brain.

[A]

Since 1923.

[B]

Since 1923.

[A]

Well, you know, watch.

[B]

I'm cleaning my phone a little bit here.

[A]

Syrian. And my Syrian family, and I believe my Turkish friend does this too. Everyone always leaves since the beginning of time. Basically, a bottle of, like, scented hand sanitizer on the table. So even if you've washed your hands, you clean your hands before and after the meal.

[B]

That's a great idea.

[A]

Great idea. And Typically. Well, I don't know about typically, but in my family, it was like an apricot scent. So this reminds me a lot of that.

[B]

And so. But the first time you ever tried it was on a plane.

[A]

It was on a plane.

[B]

I would go nuts.

[A]

I have to tell you. And it lasts. You don't have to do. Because I do the tray, obviously. I do the handlebars.

[B]

Okay. Yes. Right, right.

[A]

And I do the headrest.

[B]

Oh, the headrest.

[A]

One of these covers all of them.

[B]

Was I supposed to do my hands with it? Is it okay that I did my hands?

[A]

Oh, yeah. And I do my hands with it.

[B]

Sorry, I was like. Wait, have I just used, like, industrial cleaner?

[A]

No, no, no, no. But that was the surprise gift. Yeah. For me, even.

[B]

So this was on Turkish Airlines?

[A]

No, this was on. So this is at the Istanbul airport. They sell these. Oh, yeah.

[B]

When were you in Istanbul?

[A]

Never.

[B]

Oh, just. The client has just provided.

[A]

Just the client. The client, by the way, is what I call my partner. But he works in the public sector and doesn't really want to be checked all the time.

[B]

So I call.

[A]

I call him my private client, even though he's my boyfriend.

[B]

You control his finances. You teach him to sing.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

You do all kinds of things at this company.

[A]

Yes, we met at Chase Private wealth, honey. Of course we did. Separate entrance, next to the bank, but not in the bank. So. Yeah. So he brings them back for me because I'm obsessed with them.

[B]

Oh, okay. And so you've never been?

[A]

Never. We were supposed to go, actually, this month, but it just. I got too busy and. Yeah, it just didn't work out.

[B]

Well, speaking of going places, you were just in Mexico City with our friend. With our dear friend, Michelle Collins, who,

[A]

by the way, I listened to you on her show.

[B]

Yes, I was just on it.

[A]

I am probably after this. I don't know if I'll have time, but maybe tomorrow morning. Can you have a dirty soda in the morning?

[B]

Sure. I mean, a lot of people in Utah do it.

[A]

How do you order it at Taco Bell? You just go, can I have a dirty soda?

[B]

You say, yes, Can I have a dirty Mountain Dew? Dirty Mountain Dew, that's what it's called. Yes.

[A]

So I'm gonna get one. Cause I have to be honest. You know that thing when people are experiencing a food or a drink and they're saying they don't like it, and it's all you can do not to try it?

[B]

Yeah, of course. Because how am I supposed to know?

[A]

Exactly. And it was just a color and a flavor that I couldn't get my hand. I couldn't get a handle on it.

[B]

When you were a gorgeous drink, it

[A]

did look very pretty. Seafoam is how you described it.

[B]

Yes. It's really beautiful.

[A]

It sounded beautiful. So I want to try one.

[B]

Yeah. I would say get it through the drive through because what happened with me is I went in store. This was a weird Taco Bell with no drive through. Oh, and listener. I took this drink to Michelle Collins show to force her to drink this horrible dirty Mountain Dew. But I ordered the two dirty Mountain Dews. And essentially what happened is the employee dumped some white sauce at the bottom of it, then handed me the cups and then I was in charge of filling the drink. And I think what's supposed to happen is they're probably supposed to put the soda first then because it's essentially creamer.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

So it was just like kind of swishing around at the bottom, like somebody had essentially thrown up in the. In the thing. So it wasn't quite what you would want flavor wise. You can maybe drink three an ounce of this before you're done.

[A]

I was gonna say, did you bust through a wall after drinking? I mean, Mountain Dew is pretty caffeinated.

[B]

It's extremely caffeinated. And whatever the white sauce was was essentially suntan lotion or something. It was. I wasn't able to consume very much of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I love that Baja Blast flavor.

[A]

Is that what it is? Mountain Dew Baja Blast.

[B]

Well, you can get any Mountain Dew, any dirty Mountain Dew.

[A]

The Baja Blast is really cool.

[B]

And the Baja Blast is the most beautiful color probably that exists in nature.

[A]

Is that what the seafoam green is?

[B]

Yeah, it's gorgeous.

[A]

Can you pull it up?

[B]

I'm sorry. Let's see if. I'm sure it won't do it justice, to be honest.

[A]

I just want to see.

[B]

You've got to get your eyes on this in person.

[A]

My curiosity is now.

[B]

I'm now looking at Baja Fresh. No Baja Blast.

[A]

Baja Fresh Ginkgo scratch. I hate to say it.

[B]

Rip.

[A]

Are they over?

[B]

I think at least in la, I haven't seen one in a long time.

[A]

Honestly. It was time.

[B]

Okay, so this is not going to. This again. This is just. I mean, it's not even fair to the product. That's.

[A]

You don't think this is going to do. I think it's really pretty.

[B]

It's pretty there. Once you're. Once you're holding a glass of that, you're going to go out of your mind.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

The fact that they no other soda brand has gotten on this color is wild insane to me. What a waste of our lives. We've gone. I think Baja Blast is only within the last 15 years.

[A]

This is like the. A drink you share with like the. The fish guy from Shape of Water.

[B]

Yes. So beautiful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe through like a silly straw in the same color.

[A]

He was very sort of childlike.

[B]

Yeah, that's what happened to him, you

[A]

know, I don't know. He was such a heartthrob. For a minute he was like that convict that then married the top man heiress.

[B]

Who's this?

[A]

You know that Hot con, I think they called him?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, he was like hot con. Yeah. And then he became a model.

[B]

Top man heiress.

[A]

Yes. The Topshop heiress.

[B]

Topshop?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hot felon Jeremy Meeks.

[A]

That's him.

[B]

Let's see. Let's get my eyes on him.

[A]

He was stunning. I mean, it probably still is. Yeah.

[B]

Now I'm gonna say he looks. He looks like he's got a teardrop tattoo.

[A]

He does.

[B]

So immediately I'm backing away.

[A]

I'm thinking I not the Topshop heiress.

[B]

No. She went for it.

[A]

She did.

[B]

And did they? Are they still together?

[A]

I think they might be.

[B]

True love found a way. Good for them.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Where did they meet? Outside jail.

[A]

Either there or I think he was maybe modeling for like Louis Vuitton. Maybe he was modeling for Topshop.

[B]

I don't know. Wow. Good for him.

[A]

Yeah. No, he came out and he like busted out.

[B]

I'm proud of this guy.

[A]

Me too.

[B]

I thought it was gonna be one of those situations. I remember a few years ago there was like this like 20 year old twink who married like this 95 year old British man who.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

Could barely move.

[A]

Yeah. You know what? I have a very smart friend who told me the first time you married for money and the second time you married for love. I have not followed that path. But my jaw dropped to the floor and she goes, if the more you think about it, the more it makes sense.

[B]

It's a good strategy.

[A]

I guess so.

[B]

But they need to teach that in high school. People should know leaving high school about that.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

You learn that in adulthood. It's like, well, sorry, I found my person and they're not a billionaire.

[A]

Exactly. Exactly.

[B]

Now what am I supposed to do?

[A]

Correct.

[B]

Cheat with a rich person.

[A]

Yeah. It doesn't work out.

[B]

It's not leading anywhere.

[A]

It's not on paper.

[B]

No.

[A]

No.

[B]

Unless it becomes kind of an extortion situation.

[A]

That's sexy.

[B]

Yeah, that's extremely sexy.

[A]

It very much is. That's very like tiny pistol in a thigh high. You know what I mean?

[B]

Okay, let's see. There's another gift in here. Let me reach in.

[A]

This is the main one.

[B]

Okay. Pulling out the gift. Let's see. Oh. Oh, I like what I'm seeing.

[A]

Good.

[B]

It's a pocket psychic three card mystery tarot reading. A glimpse of the past, present, and future from, of course, house witch aj Us. Dj House witch.

[A]

Dj House witch puts these together. I think they're great gifts. In fact, I was gifted one of these.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And that is what made me.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

And. And the reason is because. Do you know Caitlin Riley? I'm sure.

[B]

Oh, yeah, of course. She's so funny.

[A]

So funny. She came on the Ask Rana podcast that you've been a guest on, and she did a three card tarot reading for me on that show.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It went from bad to worse to worst. Oh, no. Everything in my past that was indicating what would happen in my present or future was. I mean, I should have immediately crawled into a bomb shelter and just stayed there for a good five years. So then she redid it.

[B]

Okay. Oh, she redid it. That feels like it's playing with fire.

[A]

And it was. It was. I mean, hell struck twice because it went from bad to worse to worse to worse to worse. So a friend of mine, my friend Alev, said to me, I'm giving you. She gave me this, essentially gave me a gift card. Well, this type of gift. And said, you deserve a do over. And I go, but there was a do over, and it was awful.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

But I liked my do over in this situation. Now, I don't know what's in these. I don't know what these say. I don't know what they're doing, but.

[B]

Well, before we do this, did any of the three readings come to pass?

[A]

I never. You know, I read something once and then I'll shut up.

[B]

Please. I'd like you to be quiet the rest of the episode.

[A]

I read a book about Princess Margaret once.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And the birth of newspaper psychics. In other words, reading you off your sign started with her birth.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

That's when it all started.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I don't know. They were trying to predict when she was born. They were predicting what her life would be.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Essentially. And people were fascinated by it. And it sold a billion issues. And then what they quickly realized was if we do this every day, no one's gonna remember what we said the week before the Week before that. The week before. As long as we keep doing it. And I guess that's what's happened to me, because I don't. It's only happened three times to me. But I don't remember any of these readings. I just know the first two were bad and the third one was good.

[B]

I think that that's. I think it just kind of soaks into you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you do your thing.

[A]

You're very generous.

[B]

I should start doing horoscopes on this. People hooked on my horoscopes.

[A]

What? People realize you could say whatever you want and then no one's gonna remember.

[B]

Yeah. Let me see here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Listener. In the next week, avoid dogs.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. That's a good one.

[B]

Okay. Sorry.

[A]

It spans all the astrological signs of the listeners.

[B]

Yes. Yes. It's for everybody. It's kind of a. I don't have time for all 12. Are you kidding me?

[A]

No, no.

[B]

These are very universal.

[A]

Avoid dogs.

[B]

Avoid dogs.

[A]

What if someone owns it? Dog.

[B]

Be very careful.

[A]

Very careful. This next week.

[B]

Avoid dogs. Okay. That's an interesting. Now I feel like I've put something very dangerous out there. Listener. We're backing it up. We're reversing. Embrace dogs.

[A]

There's exactly. That is really.

[B]

Now we're in some tough.

[A]

That is quite.

[B]

Okay, we're going a third time. Brian gets three, you get three. Strike a healthy balance with dogs.

[A]

That is a great piece of advice.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It takes a little practice. It takes a little practice. Okay, so I'm gonna open this.

[A]

I think you should.

[B]

Okay. Is there any advice? Okay. It says, pull out the first card. This is the energy being released from the past. Pull out the second card. This is the energy surrounding the present. Pull out the final card. This is the energy in store for the future. So do you want. Do you want me to do it for you or do you want to do it for me?

[A]

I want to do it for you.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Here we go.

[A]

But you pull the card maybe.

[B]

Oh, I pulled the card.

[A]

I feel like your energy should be on us.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

For Whatever that means. Have you done this before, by the way? Have you ever had a reading?

[B]

I've had a. Like, a full reading. Do you know Lizzie Cooperman? Yeah. Yeah. The great Lizzie Cooper.

[A]

She's so funny.

[B]

People should go. She does tarot, I think. I think you can, like. Oh, really get private readings from Lizzie. And they're so good.

[A]

She's hilarious.

[B]

Okay. You're pulling this out. Okay. Okay.

[A]

This card you pulled is called the Sun. And you see a big sun, neutral face and a baby thundercat riding on a horse.

[B]

That's me.

[A]

Okay. The sun. You're walking on sunshine.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Let yourself bask in the good times. Your creativity is on fire.

[B]

Now. This all happened in the past, I guess so.

[A]

I don't understand the wording of this, to be honest. Cause it says, pull out the first card. This is the energy being released from the past. What does that mean?

[B]

Oh, interesting. So something in the past has held that up. I'm working for myself here.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've really got to work for myself.

[A]

I'll take it.

[B]

I can't retire.

[A]

Unleash your inner artist.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Finally some clarity.

[B]

Thank God.

[A]

The weight of some unknown is lifted. Lead with optimism, joy, and confidence. Your energy can warm up any room right now. I'm feeling it, by the way. Sometimes life just feels really, really simple and beautiful. This is one of those times. Lucky you.

[B]

I'm gonna be in tears by the end of.

[A]

This is really nice. This is already so much better than any.

[B]

But now we've got two left.

[A]

We've got two left.

[B]

This is gonna be devastating. Okay. This is present.

[A]

Present.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. So the card you pulled is the world. And it's a beautiful woman with a sash.

[B]

She's gorgeous. Gorgeous little lion in the corner.

[A]

She's being protected by an eagle. That person, a goat and a lion. Okay, so this is. Yes. This is the energy surrounding the present. Congratulations.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

You've reached the completion of a major project milestone or cycle.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

You've worked so hard. Now you get to watch all the pieces fall right into place. You've reached a new level of mastery. Now it's time to begin the entire process again. You've got this. Make your next move from a place of empowerment. You've built strong, supportive foundations for yourself. Hindsight is 20 20. Now that you've reached your destination, take some time to reflect on the road that took you here with more clarity than you had in the moment. What do you think?

[B]

I love that. And I'll say this actually lines up.

[A]

Really.

[B]

I just organized my pants in my closet. Just put them in separate piles. Pants, pants. Shorts.

[A]

Are the pants in the separate piles? In separate piles for a reason beyond function.

[B]

Yes. You know, you've got more casual jeans focused. Ok. Slightly more dressy.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

And then my pile of shorts that I'm not satisfied with any of them.

[A]

I feel that way about my pants. I am much more of a shorts. I don't wear shorts that much, but I feel Like, I think I have a long torso, maybe. I don't know. I feel like in pants, my legs look kind of squat.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

Even though I mostly wear pants, where

[B]

are you getting shorts?

[A]

All kinds of places. Through my amex card.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I have a deal quarterly from Lululemon.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

So I buy my shorts there. I buy one pair of shorts every quarter. So for a year.

[B]

And this is like a casual wear out short. Not like an athleisure short.

[A]

Not necessarily like an athletic short. No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just never know what shorts should look like.

[A]

I think we're in an era of, I'm not even kidding, max five inches, right?

[B]

Oh, absolutely. I agree with this.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But weirdly, because I'm essentially the size of a child, it's hard to get a short that feels. They always still feel a little too long.

[A]

Really?

[B]

And then they start to feel like mom on vacation shorts.

[A]

Yeah, there is a fine line. But see, I feel that way about pants. I feel like the pants I buy are too long. And even when I get them hemmed, maybe it's just that the person I'm going to isn't that great. But they feel like they. Whenever I get them hemmed, they feel like they start to like bell bottom.

[B]

Oh, I hate that.

[A]

Me too.

[B]

Unless it's already how the pant was

[A]

made and it's not how the pant was made. Like, I've got a stunning pair of jeans and then the. They become bell bottoms.

[B]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear.

[A]

Do you have to tailor your stuff?

[B]

No, but I'm very particular about my jeans especially. I've started going to this weird, almost like work clothing store that has a bunch of vintage jeans in East LA that I adore. And it's just kind of this older lady who, you know, sells like work pants and stuff. I love her. And she keeps the door locked, so you have to go knock on the door. She lets you in, and then she's very good about telling you if your pants look good or not. I adore, but it's very hard when you're buying vintage jeans especially. It's like they have one in my size and I have short legs. And most men are huge.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So I'm like looking at the pants and they're all like a 36 length. What am I doing?

[A]

You know, Michelle Collins would tell you you would do great at like a sample sale or something because.

[B]

Oh, she. She's kept this from me, really?

[A]

Because the sizes that are usually there or leftover are the very Small ones and the very big ones. Oh, those are the ones that you can find the best deals.

[B]

Oh, this is good to know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That was a little piece of advice from her.

[B]

Okay, let's get the final one. Yes. Let's see the future. This is where we're headed, folks.

[A]

Oh, yes. Okay, so. Oh, this card has a little bit of a. It's like a green tinted. Yeah, this is a very sort of like, as Gustus Caesar Augustus with. What do you call her? The Sphinx, sort of.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it's the Sphinx. Yes.

[A]

And then. Well, two. One is winking.

[B]

Ooh, the winking Sphinx.

[A]

This is called the Chariot. Okay. This is the energy in store for the future. It's time to get crystal clear on your direction.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

A little planning goes a long way. Set yourself up for success by putting structures and habits in place now that will bring more ease and support on the road to your goal later. You're on the path to success. Stay focused, determined, and steady. Are you currently moving toward things that fill you with passion? If not, it's time to plot a new course. Now is not the time to follow. Forge your own path. You get to decide where you want to go and how you want to get there.

[B]

Wow. This has been really beautiful.

[A]

Yeah, I think so.

[B]

It's been an absolutely lovely reading.

[A]

You got three really good cards.

[B]

It's going to turn me into a monster.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

It could be absolutely impossible to deal with.

[A]

I'm on my own path.

[B]

Move. I'm an individual.

[A]

That's right. Get out of here. It's like that. Did you ever go through this when you came out, that you, you know, you had like a latent adolescence, in other words.

[B]

Right. Totally.

[A]

Did you have that?

[B]

Yeah, of course. I feel like I'm still going through. I feel like gay men are just like. Unless you were born after 2010, it's just like. Well, now I'm just essentially 18 for the rest of my life.

[A]

Yeah, because you're like, I was robbed.

[B]

I was absolutely robbed.

[A]

Same. Yeah.

[B]

Let me play a video game. Let me screw around nonstop.

[A]

Let me have a fun crush. Yes. Let me be just mean as shit to you.

[B]

That's the one thing I. Well, I guess I do gossip a lot.

[A]

Me, too. But I'm not mean.

[B]

But I'm not a mean. I know a lot of mean ones.

[A]

Me too. Honestly, it goes back to the fourth of July parties.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I think the idea of the.

[B]

Don't get me started. Yeah, Mean.

[A]

Gay is. Boy, do they flock to those yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Wow. Now you've really unlocked something new.

[A]

That is because. To get that body.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm seeing the Instagram photos. I'm seeing the photos and I'm thinking, I wish I was there, but I also don't want to be there.

[A]

I would never do that.

[B]

I can't imagine.

[A]

Can I be honest?

[B]

And getting your photo taken at the

[A]

same time, I would never do. I would never put my arm around a friend or acquaintance who didn't have her shirt on. Ever. Pritchard, don't do it. I feel so steam.

[B]

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In a Speedo, nonetheless. In front of a camera.

[A]

No way in hell would that happen.

[B]

I just couldn't do it.

[A]

Ever.

[B]

No. I was like, who is that breacher?

[A]

I would honestly think someone is fully. Someone is not on their own path right now. Someone is a follower and has lost the plot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because same with me. I couldn't imagine. Imagine it. Wow.

[B]

Yeah. That would be. That would be a whole new me.

[A]

Yeah. And even the people I like, I sometimes have. It's been a while, but I used to go on New Year's with like five gay friends to Palm Springs or something. I mean, we are never nudes, honey. Like, that's how we're doing it.

[B]

I don't know how you get into it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And God bless everybody. Do your own thing.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Do your own thing. Just don't invite me to your parties. Leave me home to cry.

[A]

That's right. Yeah.

[B]

And judge you. Always. Do your own thing. So I can judge you, essentially.

[A]

Exactly. Cause without you doing. Without your freedom, I have no perspective.

[B]

01.

[A]

So. Exactly. So this is a real. You know what I mean? It's the cycle of life. It's the pecking order, basically.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Yeah. The food chain.

[B]

Well, this is such a beautiful gift. I'm so thrilled about this. Now, what has to happen to this particular deck? Can it be reused? Does it have to be burned?

[A]

Oh, God, that's.

[B]

I guess it'll just be you. We'll set it up here.

[A]

Yeah, that's fine.

[B]

And then if there's a guest that feels like really boring, we'll pull them out.

[A]

That's a great idea.

[B]

Or let's caveat. Or they lost. Loser shouldn't be here.

[A]

That's true. Anyone who's really down in the dumps,

[B]

you give a reading to listener the next episode. I read the guest's tarot. You know, they're a complete loser, period.

[A]

Absolutely. They're the mom in Little house on the prayer. That's what they're bringing to the table.

[B]

You hear the phrase vibe coding and might naturally assume the worst, but it turns out to be a genuinely useful tool for building a website. And with WIX Harmony, you can build a site quickly while still making it your own. WIX has introduced WIX Harmony, a vibe coder for websites that lets you type what you want and generate a site ready to use right away, complete with forms, payments, security, and more built in. As you create business, power gets wired in. WIX will set everything up so that it's ready to go from day one and you can focus on doing your thing. And WIX Harmony doesn't require AI for everything. You can still click and edit anything manually or select an element and have Aria, your AI agent, make updates for you. It's a smart solution to the frustration of repeatedly prompting AI just to make small changes. Try it for [e-mail] Harmony that's wix.com Harmony hey, everyone, it's Kal Penn. I'm the host of Irsay The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Ray Porter, the narrator of Andy Weir's audiobook project, Hail Mary, massive sci fi adventure about survival and science and what happens when you wake up alone, very far from Earth.

[A]

I really had to make a decision because I caught myself getting that frog in my throat and starting to get teary as I'm narrating some of these sections. And it's like, okay, yo, yo, yo, is this indulgent? And I really thought about it.

[B]

I was like, no.

[A]

At this point, it would kind of be betraying the trust the author and the listener have in telling this story. Story if I don't go through it. But there's places in this book that. That deeply, emotionally affected me. And I left it on the mic. That's great because it served the story. People will say like, oh, my God, I cried at the end. It's like, yeah, dude, me too.

[B]

Listen to Irsay the Audible and iHeart audiobook club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[A]

Awkward time to ask this, but. Hey, did you download the trail map?

[B]

Yeah, I know. I don't need to.

[A]

I. I don't understand. You're trusting your signal out here.

[B]

I'm trusting T Mobile. They have the best network. And if we end up in bumtots nowhere, well, we've got T satellite for backup. Whoa.

[A]

I don't trust my carrier that much.

[B]

We'll Just use your phone as a flashlight.

[A]

With America's best network and T Satellite, we're keeping you connected in places you never thought possible. And if you switch today, you get free phones for zero down and only 25 bucks a month per line for four lines. Find out more@t mobile.com or visit your local store. Best Mobile network based on analysis by Ooglo Speed Test Intelligence data 2H 2025 with 24 monthly bill credits and 4 eligible pour ins on essentials for well qualified customers with autopay plus taxes, fees and $35 connection charge per line credits and imbalance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel Contact Us Finance Agreement example 299.99 Moto Edge 5G required T Satellite available with compatible device in most outdoor areas in the US where you can see the sky. Included with experience beyond or $10 a month all over news monthly. Cancel anytime.

[B]

Visit t mobile.com before we get into all of my exciting games and novelties, I want you to promote something.

[A]

Yeah, I'm making my Off Broadway debut.

[B]

This is unbelievable.

[A]

There's no other way to say it. There simply isn't another way to say it.

[B]

There's kind of not another option.

[A]

I get to speak French in that sentence. I get to do all kinds of things. It's called are you mad at me?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's 70 minutes, which we love.

[B]

The perfect time. I would leave after 70. 71.

[A]

I'm leaving the theater 70 minutes at 7pm Is there anything better?

[B]

Oh, this is my dream show.

[A]

Is there anything better?

[B]

I get to eat dinner at five. Yeah. I get to be home by nine.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, it's everything you want. And it's essentially a panic attack on stage for 70 minutes. It's very musical, it's very interactive. I tell people it's like sleep no more but for people pleasers.

[B]

Oh, this sounds great.

[A]

It's just great. And I'm doing it in soho at the Hero Arts Center.

[B]

For me, from.

[A]

It's only 30 shows from July 10th to August 15th.

[B]

30 shows. That's a lot.

[A]

It's a lot. But I did Edinburgh last year, so I got a taste of it. Which.

[B]

How many did you do there?

[A]

Something like that. Like 26.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is so exciting.

[A]

Very excited.

[B]

Oh, my God. I wish I was in New York.

[A]

Me too. Can I send you an invite for opening night anyway, even though you're not gonna be there?

[B]

Yeah. Just so I feel unclear.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

And then I'm going to accept and become a problem. Yeah. I'M show up as a problem.

[A]

You're only ever the solution you can go to. Are you [e-mail] for tickets? But, Bridger. Yeah. To me, you are the. You're a Broadway star to me, I'm

[B]

a Broadway star listener. You have to go to the show in my stead. I'm not in New York right now, so go see it. Oh, I'm so excited for it. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, I'm excited, too.

[B]

All right, let's play some games.

[A]

I'm with it.

[B]

I mentioned before we started recording, we might play two games or do a game in a new segment. We'll see.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

These are new things that Ellis and I will. We're kind of experimenting with. On the Patreon episode we did. This first one is called Invite List.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm going to start naming celebrities. Okay, you're planning a party.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You get to invite 10 people to the party. So you have to say invited or not invited.

[A]

Okay, great.

[B]

And once you get to 10, that's the party.

[A]

Got it. Okay. That's fun.

[B]

Okay. Are you ready?

[A]

This is good.

[B]

Okay. And Ellis, you'll be keeping track. Okay, great. Lord.

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

Liz Cheney?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

Rowan Atkinson.

[A]

Yeah. Invited.

[B]

Frank Ocean.

[A]

Invited.

[B]

Eddie Redmayne?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

Alec Baldwin?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

Ariana Grande?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

Michael Phelps?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

Demi Moore?

[A]

Invited.

[B]

Bon Jovi.

[A]

Invited.

[B]

Tim Cook?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

George W. Bush?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

Hailey Bieber?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

Jenny McCarthy?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

Keke Palmer?

[A]

Invited.

[B]

Zendaya.

[A]

Invited.

[B]

Jennifer Lopez?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

Jennifer Garner?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

Jennifer Hudson?

[A]

Invited.

[B]

Jennifer Aniston.

[A]

Invited.

[B]

Latoya Jackson?

[A]

Invited.

[B]

Waxahachie?

[A]

Not invited.

[B]

The Weeknd.

[A]

Not invited. Florence P. Not invited.

[B]

Simone Biles.

[A]

Invited.

[B]

All right, that's 10. You were laser accurate on that. I am so.

[A]

I don't even.

[B]

I didn't even have time to write the first two down. Like, I was like, okay, I'm gonna

[A]

say each number, and I'm also gonna write things down.

[B]

And clearly I failed at my mission. So I only have Demi.

[A]

More on.

[B]

We got Rowan Atkinson. Yeah, that's right. Was it Frank Ocean? Yes. Those are the things.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Wow. What a party. Can we hear this list read back to us?

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

So we have Ron Atkinson, Frank Ocean, Demi Moore, Bon Jovi, Keke Palmer, Zendaya, Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Aniston, latoya Jackson, and Simone Biles. What a group.

[A]

I love it. I gotta say, that is a fun group.

[B]

Yeah. That's a Fourth of July to remember.

[A]

I feel like no one at this party. No one at any party. Has to do any work if Keke Palmer's there.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

You know what I mean.

[B]

Oh, she's. I mean, I think that she has a generous spirit. She's so funny.

[A]

She's hilarious. She's an anecdote for everything. She should sit right in the middle, to be honest.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

She would facilitate it. I would have to do practically. I would have no stress knowing that she's at that party.

[B]

I almost feel guilty asking her to come because I know it's because she's

[A]

doing so much work for her.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. But she loves it, obviously.

[A]

I think she does.

[B]

So it's her fault.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, that was excellently played. Thank you. Just beautifully played. All right, now, this new one is a segment called It's Only Polite. And now this is what you're going to do. You're going to tell me, like, a new manner or something polite people should be doing. I'll give you an example. This is when I think that we need to. I noticed this yesterday. I think it's only polite that when you're at a red light and the person in front of you does not move forward at the green light. Not one honk. It should be two honks. One honk is angry.

[A]

I'm with you here.

[B]

I think if you do two honks, it's a nudge. I'm doing it all the time, to be honest. Constantly. I don't feel like a threat. I think I'm just letting them know I'm behind them. But one honk, it's an immediate. I think it's very aggressive. You should never do a one honk unless you're planning to get in a fight with a person.

[A]

And people say that they just tap on their horns. They don't. One honk to me, does feel very aggressive in the way, actually that I now maybe am such a delicate flower that occasionally an email. I think one exclamation point instead of two is a statement.

[B]

Oh, no. I mean, this is inflation.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Because there was a period when we didn't even have to do one exclamation point.

[A]

By the way, most straight guys do not do any.

[B]

Until probably six years ago, I did not use exclamation points in anything.

[A]

I made it a point. At one point, I made it a point to stop using exclamation points. I thought I would be able to regain some kind of power, be taken more seriously in this world. And I said to myself, I am not doing this. It got too. I just started feeling like a dick.

[B]

Interesting. Well, Now I feel like a dick if I don't use them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With exclamation points. And something else that I've had to kind of catch myself on is I'll respond, sure. And people think that I'm just like, sure. I'm saying it in a positive way. I'm saying, sure, let's do it. But because I don't have an exclamation point on it, and I actually think, sure, exclamation point. Seems like you're attacking the person. Yeah, I don't know how. I don't know how to use the word sure anymore.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

And it's not fair because I don't speak in exclamation points.

[A]

No, I don't either. Maybe I do.

[B]

I think you do on occasion. I think you have a healthy relationship with the exclamation point. But in emails, if you don't use them, you are being rude.

[A]

So I'll tell you. I'm so tired of being polite in emails and not polite. I shouldn't say that. I'm always polite in emails. I'm so tired of having to. If I need something to bookend it with, really great stuff like, hey, oh my God, like, this was so great. Thank you so much. I actually wasn't crazy about the da, da, da, da, da. But it doesn't matter because I know I will be and I do it every time. And by the way, if I were receiving it, I'd want. I'd want to receive it that way. Right.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

It's just as exhausting.

[B]

You're much. You're much better at emailing than me. I'm a pretty sloppy email.

[A]

I don't believe that.

[B]

Oh, well, you haven't emailed with me.

[A]

That's, you know, we haven't had an email relationship. That's true.

[B]

I've had a lot of, you know, feedback, which I've not received.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've just continued to email however I want and people can deal with it.

[A]

I did think of something.

[B]

Okay, let's hear it. I actually, and I will say this was deeply unfair of me to just be like, now you have.

[A]

Not at all. No. Because you going first gave me all the time in the world. I think it's really impolite to invite me on your balcony and not for a drink or something and not treat your balcony like part of your home. And by that I mean, if you want me to sit on your patio furniture, can you just wipe it down? Can you just take a broom? Even a broom on the Chair. Even a broom on the chair, I would be fine with. Now, I don't remember when I did the podcast before and you used to host it in your backyard. I don't remember sitting on anything. Dust. I don't remember there being an issue.

[B]

Brian. That's because I cleaned them off before you came.

[A]

Okay, thank you.

[B]

Even though they're frequently cleaned, I had to make sure it wasn't filthy because I have some level of class. Yeah.

[A]

There was no dust on me. Nothing. If you're going to invite me for a glass of wine out onto your balcony, I just. First of all, thank you.

[B]

You know, very nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Lovely view.

[A]

Even though I probably brought the wine. Lovely view, though. That's true. But just take a broom, a brush, a wipe, anything.

[B]

Truly. Get a dish rag, anything. It takes 10 seconds.

[A]

Yeah. Even put a towel down. I mean, really, I'm baseline, just the basics. But I don't like sitting on a balcony and immediately sneezing or being covered in dust.

[B]

Oh, right, the pillow ones. If you sit down on one of those pillows, dust flies out. Get rid of them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who knows? Those are full of, like, bird skin.

[A]

Just because something's all weather doesn't mean it shouldn't be cleaned.

[B]

No, absolutely. And I'll also say it's kind of satisfying to clean that sort of thing because they do get a little dirtier faster and you get to see it all wipe off.

[A]

That's right. There you go.

[B]

A job done.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I thought you were going to say, if you take me onto your balcony, Kiss me.

[A]

That's very.

[B]

Which is also a nice thing to do.

[A]

Balconies are. I mean, Juliet. You know what I mean?

[B]

She's a classic. I bet she cleaned her first balcony.

[A]

I'm sure she will. She also had, like, a housekeeper or a nurse.

[B]

Oh, the nurse was probably wiping down the patio.

[A]

I think she was. I think Julia was, like, 13.

[B]

You know, if we forget she was

[A]

13, he was, like, 17 and she was 13. Something like that.

[B]

Bad boy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Claire Danes.

[A]

Yeah. Leo.

[B]

Leo. Baz.

[A]

Baz. Claire Danes. Leo. Bazaar.

[B]

Well, you played that perfectly. I guess it's not really a game, but that's a very good rule.

[A]

Thank you. Yeah.

[B]

I think we've invented two nice manners.

[A]

I do, too.

[B]

Or reminded people we're trying to class things up for people.

[A]

It is so curious, though. The second beep really is where it gets friendlier.

[B]

It's true. Oh, absolutely. I almost feel like cars should just have two different horns.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

One that's like a warm, you know, it's like with those alarm clocks that are more of like a. Rather than a negative.

[A]

Yeah, just tap, tap. I'm here. Yeah, why not?

[B]

Why not Throw two horns. Give me options.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

One can be a train horn. One can be just kind of a nice shoulder rub.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I forgot to open our final document. We're going to answer a listener question. Okay. This says, I am in a college opera program and my classmates are not learning their music. How do I subtly shame them and let them know that I'm better than them while also encouraging them to get with the program? And that's from Web.

[A]

Okay, Web. How do I subtly sha. I mean, I assume if you're lodging this complaint, you better be a star in this class.

[B]

I know. What if he's like a D. Yeah. And then suddenly he's totally delusional and he's bossing people around.

[A]

You really, really have to have everything backing it up. Cause I have to say, I've been on shows before where there have been, and I'm sure you have, Bridger. There have been people who are lazier than others and yet turn out incredible work. When it comes down to it. Yes. And it is a frustrating thing.

[B]

Oh, it's the worst. To see somebody who doesn't have to put in an effort.

[A]

They're just naturally brilliantly gifted.

[B]

I've never experienced that in any area of my life.

[A]

Oh, me neither. It always takes work.

[B]

Oh, my God. I'm breaking my back. Yeah. Just to get out of bed.

[A]

That's it. So, A, I hope you're. I'm sure you are. If you're a college opera student, A, you have to be really talented. But how do you shame people for something? What do you think?

[B]

I think you've gotta be a shining star. That's the only way that Webb can. Is to have the voice of an angel. Otherwise, what are you going. You can't. If you're saying it to shame them, you're not really backing it up in any way. Now. You're a nuisance.

[A]

You could say, but see, you'd have to make this lie up at least once a month or every week. You could say, like, did you guys hear that Renee Fleming's coming next week to hear us? You know what I mean? If you had some big opera star every week, like waiting for Gutman, who has a seat at the table and then just never shows up, they would

[B]

maybe be ship shape, kind of become a known liar.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

But slowly be pushed out of the program and then get a regular job. Because you've done this to yourself.

[A]

I can't name one other living person who's in opera.

[B]

Except that's the fact that you were able to get to Fleming.

[A]

That was it. Cause Pavarotti, I think, is dead, Rip. Is he?

[B]

Probably.

[A]

I really.

[B]

I hope he is.

[A]

I really hope so. That show off.

[B]

Yeah. Let's see. Alive and dead in 2007, age 71.

[A]

Oh, that long ago?

[B]

Yeah. He's been gone a while and long enough for us to forget that he died.

[A]

I guess so. I mean, he lives on. Clearly.

[B]

He lives on. But we are glad he is no longer a threat.

[A]

Yeah, right. It's a Renee Fleming to Renee Fleming's career. Exactly. It's a close call.

[B]

No, I think Webb, first of all, just mind your own business. You know, obviously you're feeling very insecure about your voice, and you're just trying to bully other people to make yourself feel better. You're writing into a podcast about other people's voices, trying to silence other people.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I think that's, again, classless.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I wouldn't mind just losing Webb as a listener entirely richer.

[A]

You are really throwing the book at this person.

[B]

Sorry. I don't know what to say. I've never been in an opera program. I'm sure it's very difficult.

[A]

I'm sure it's pretty cutthroat. Yeah.

[B]

And I should have. Should I ever join one, I should have the option to be lazy and not do my job without some web nosing around.

[A]

I'm sure there's technique. I'm sure there's a lot of technique involved, but you either have it or you don't.

[B]

Yeah. You're not building the opera voice.

[A]

No. You're maybe becoming more familiar with the classics.

[B]

Yes. No, no, no. Nobody's just got it. Yeah, I might.

[A]

Have you ever tried?

[B]

No one's given me a chance.

[A]

Do you sing?

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I can't even sing Happy Birthday. Really?

[A]

If someone were to ask me, what's your go to karaoke song? I would have no idea.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah, I would. I mean. I mean, I would say Private Dancer.

[A]

That's a really good.

[B]

It's a good karaoke song. But I cannot. I realized recently, I was like, oh. A huge part of my brain is devoted to lyrics of songs that I can't sing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That I've listened to and loved. But should the moment come for me to sing them, it just won't happen.

[A]

Right. Because all I want to sing is, like, Mariah and Whitney. Like, that's Obviously not happening.

[B]

Mine is a much lower bar.

[A]

No. Oh, I would never. I would never. Or, like, you know what I mean? I, I. The songs I gravitate to have powerful vocals that I cannot deliver.

[B]

Right. And I just literally can't sing. So I've just got a whole encyclopedia of words in my head that can't be used right. Oh, what a waste of a life.

[A]

That's terrible.

[B]

A wasted life.

[A]

That's terrible. Well, speaking of Eddie Redmayne, you know.

[B]

No, of course Eddie didn't get invited.

[A]

He didn't?

[B]

Maybe next year.

[A]

I doubt it.

[B]

Brian, I've had such a wonderful time with you. Oh, my God, I'm so happy when you're here. Thank you for being here.

[A]

Thank you for having me.

[B]

Listener. The podcast is slowly creeping to a close. There's nothing you can do. It's out of your hands. I'm taking control. I'm turning it off. Get out of here. I love you. Goodbye. I said no Gifts is an exactly right production. Our senior producer is Ellis Nelson, and our episodes are beautifully mixed by Ben Tolliday. The theme song is by miracle worker Amy Mann. And we couldn't do it without our booker, Patrick Cotner. You must follow the show on Instagram at isaidnogifts. That's where you're going to see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting. And don't you want to see the gifts? When I invited you here, I thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you gotta come to me empty handed. I said no guests. Your presence is presence in your know that. I already had too much stuff, so how do you dare to survey me?

[A]

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What?

[A]

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[A]

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[B]

Eminem's popped caramel do sound different. Oh, no.

[A]

People are gonna be obsessed. What do you mean?

[B]

People hate the sound of chewing. Maybe they won't like the crunch.

[A]

Maybe we're saved.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[A]

Yellow.

[B]

Have you been eating them this whole time?

[A]

Mmm. So tasty.

[B]

Hands off us.

[A]

M&M's popped caramel. It's more fun together when you're a

[B]

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