Cullen Crawford Disobeys Bridger

Summary

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Podcast Summary: I Said No Gifts! – Cullen Crawford Disobeys Bridger

Host: Bridger Winegar
Guest: Cullen Crawford
Release Date: March 5, 2026

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Overview

In this riotously charming episode, host Bridger Winegar welcomes comedy writer Cullen Crawford to the show. True to the “I Said No Gifts!” tradition, Cullen arrives with a gift despite Bridger’s explicit instructions—leading to a conversation that spirals from expired cheese and the cult appeal of cottage cheese, through American diner culture and the dangers of smelling salts, to a game of comedic gift-matching involving celebrities. The episode is loaded with tangents, dry banter, and self-aware commentary, perfect for fans of absurd slice-of-life comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Office Annoyances and Gourmet Disasters

• Opening mood: Bridger describes a rough start to his day, from an upsetting hat encountered on his commute to the ongoing struggle with mystery rolls and expired cheese in the office kitchen (03:07).
• Bad cheese stories: Bridger and Cullen swap traumatic tales of being made to eat spoiled cheese by determined family members and over-trusting office managers (05:34–07:22).
  • Memorable Quote:
    "She made me eat this fucking cheddar cheese that was, like, half green... I still think about it." —Bridger (07:09)

Food Discourses: Cottage Cheese, Viral Vegetables, and Pre-Workouts

• Cullen's obsession with cottage cheese: Why consistency and curd size matters, and how viral trends make grocery runs impossible.
• Pre-workout powder trials: Bridger admits to using energy drinks for non-fitness purposes and their psychological effect (12:00–13:00).
  • On GNC:
    “GNC has really stuck it out. I think there was a huge period of time where people were like, ‘no one but weird bodybuilders shop there.’ And now I feel like probably kind of average people go and buy things.” —Cullen (13:06)

Soda, Seltzers, and the Mystique of Fruit Punch

• Seltzer debates: Hot takes on Waterloo and LaCroix flavors, the love/hate divide over coconut and Beach Plum, and how childhood devotion to Sprite never dies (17:37–18:54).
• Hawaiian Punch mascot confusion: Is he a moose, a leprechaun, or a cultist from True Detective? Plus, the bizarre flavor logic of red sodas (15:04–16:51).

Greek Food in Utah and the Vanishing Diner

• Utah’s surprising Greek population: The story of Greek diner chains and regional dining scenes.
• Odes to the American diner: Clark Street Diner in LA, lamenting the decline of classic eateries, and jokingly supporting Trump just for diners (19:45–20:34).

Cars, Possums, and Swamp Life

• Bridger’s Mustang “Swamp Trash”: The pandemic impulse buy becomes both a real car project and a comedy bit, complete with possum logo and “fake sponsors” (21:18–22:25).
  • Quote:
    “Do you think this is cool or is this a bit? ... I can’t tell the difference anymore.” —Bridger (22:26)
• Louisiana childhood: Tubing with alligators, swamp creature rankings, and swamp vs. crocodile lethality (24:37–25:44).

Gift Segment: Smelling Salts (27:39–49:02)

The Gift Reveal

• Cullen gifts Bridger… a jar of “Bodasan” smelling salts, adorned with a hologram of a screaming lion.
• Why smelling salts? Once a tool for Victorian fainting spells, now an underground trend among weightlifters, NFL players (for hiding concussions), and—according to these comedians—their DIY friend group.

The Science & Use

• How it works:
  “It’s just ammonia that really opens up your nasal passages and delivers a lot of oxygen…” —Bridger (32:08)
• Party trick: The duo makes a mini-event of opening and sampling the salts on-air, amping up the “danger” with real-time behind-the-scenes producer consultation.
  • Memorable Exchange:
    “Do people pass out from salts?” —Cullen (45:01)
    “I do do.” —Bridger, deadpan (45:05)
    “It’s like when you’re mopping the house…” —Cullen (45:29)

Reflection and Industry

• Growth opportunity: The pair muses on inventing flavored salts, trademarking them, and Shark Tank prospects (48:43).
• Waffle House defense: Within a conversation about gas station culture, Waffle House emerges as an unlikely culinary hero.

Medical Tales, DIY Diagnoses, and Industry Cynicism

• Creatine and health anxiety: Cullen shares how supplement advice backfired due to kidney issues. Bridger recounts a hospitalization for a mystery virus, praising a rogue lab tech for saving his life (55:25–56:54).
• Doctor skepticism: The duo wonders if many professionals are just not very good at their jobs, bemoaning the impersonal world of telemedicine (58:40–59:47).
  • Quote:
    “Doctors have become your go-between for Google… 80% of the time it dissipates. They don’t want to do the extra work.” —Cullen (57:33)

Smelling Salts at Concerts and the Millennial Party Circuit

• Concert enhancement: Bridger recounts using smelling salts and mushrooms at an LCD Soundsystem + Pulp show, claiming, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt better in my life.” (61:10–61:27)
• Comedy about personal transformation:
  “This is the beginning of a real downhill slide for Bridger.” —Bridger, after sampling salts (82:45)

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The Gift Master Game (69:18–77:05)

A comedic improv segment where Cullen must assign three “gifts”—a deep sea fishing excursion, a three-piece luggage set, and an early grave—to Christian Bale, Yao Ming, and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

• Yao Ming: Gets the early grave (“due to being very tall, it was probably inevitable”).
• Christian Bale: Gets a deep sea fishing excursion (“would love or hate it—either way, funny to watch”).
• Sabrina: Gets the luggage (“Does a witch need luggage?”).

Memorable Game Exchange:

• “She needs it least of all. Yeah, she’s a witch. She could just transport things. No witch needs luggage.” —Bridger (73:59)

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Listener Question: The Persistent Favor

Situation: Listener is frustrated with a friend who hasn’t yet fulfilled a favor after two reminders in 10 days.

• Hosts’ advice: Chill! Don’t be that person—three weeks before reminding, one nudge is sufficient, and only escalate if you’re truly desperate or the favor is urgent (78:00–82:27).
  • Quote:
    “I usually wait about six months before maybe reminding.” —Bridger (78:00)
    “The more you ask, the more I’m going to be avoidant about this fucking thing and just be like, oh, let’s just watch this leg rot.” —Cullen (78:19)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Bad Cheese Trauma:
  “She made me eat this fucking cheddar cheese that was, like, half green... and I still think about it.” —Bridger (07:09)

• On Health Fads:
  “These are the curses for everything—cottage cheese did [go viral]. The shelves are empty… fair weather fans.” —Cullen (10:41)

• Self-Aware Podcasting:
  “This is exactly what I thought being on a podcast with you would be like.” —Bridger (10:18)

• Gifting Smelling Salts:
  "It's not dangerous. It's just like concentrated cat piss, basically. It's not gonna hurt you, except for it'll be unpleasant." —Bridger (31:53)

• On Diners and Politics:
  “This is why I voted for Trump… I was a one-issue voter and it was diners.” —Bridger, deadpan (20:22)

• Medical Cynicism:
  "Doctors… have become your go between for Google because it’s like 80% of the time it dissipates." —Cullen (57:33)

• On Peer Pressure:
  “Put me on camera and you can get me to do anything.” —Cullen (60:43)

• Smelling Salts at Concerts:
  “Did a smelling salt when the chorus of North American Scum hit… I don’t think I’ve ever felt better in my entire life.” —Bridger (61:18)

• Gift Master Joke:
  "No witch needs luggage… That old saying my doctor said, 'You're like a witch with luggage.'" —Cullen & Bridger (73:59–74:10)

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Additional Highlights and Recommendations

• Cullen Crawford’s New Show:
  Animated comedy Strip Law drops February 20th on Netflix, voiced by a stellar cast and loaded with jokes (65:52–66:35).
• Netflix Pro Tip:
  *"Two thumbs up" is incredibly helpful to creators—one thumbs up is actually bad! (68:12–68:50)
• Listener Engagement:
  Encouraged to send in voice notes for advice and support.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:07 – Opening complaints & office cheese anecdote
• 05:34 – Cullen joins, cheese trauma tales
• 10:41 – Cottage cheese trends & viral foods
• 13:06 – GNC and pre-workout stories
• 17:37 – Seltzer, fruit punch, and childhood Sprite nostalgia
• 19:45 – Greek food in Utah, diner talk
• 21:18 – Bridger’s “Swamp Trash” Mustang & swamp animal lore
• 27:39 – Gift reveal: Smelling salts & live demo
• 48:43 – Brainstorming flavored salts/vape crossover
• 55:25 – Medical misadventures & supplement skepticism
• 61:10 – Smelling salts + mushrooms at a concert = euphoria
• 69:18 – Gift Master game: gifts for celebrities
• 77:08 – Listener question: favor reminders and friendship etiquette

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Final Thoughts

This episode sparkles with weirdly poetic asides, sharp observational humor, and a parade of culinary, nostalgic, and cultural hot takes. Smelling salts become both punchline and metaphor for brief, unexpected awakenings—fitting for an episode that delivers both silliness and surreptitious wisdom. Bridger and Cullen volley with loveably low-stakes tension, making the guest’s rule-breaking not just accepted, but the engine of the series.

A treat for fans of comedic tangents, self-aware podcasting, and anyone who has ever wondered what happens if you cross party tricks, supermarket cheese, and deadpan small talk.

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Transcript

[Bridger Weiniger]

This is exactly right.

[Bowen Yang]

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[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, it's WI fi that is so

[Bowen Yang]

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[Colin Crawford]

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[Bridger Weiniger]

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[Colin Crawford]

Visit your nearby Lowes on Colorado street in Kennewick.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Well, I invited you here. I thought I made myself perfectly clear.

[Colin Crawford]

When you're a guest in my home,

[Bridger Weiniger]

you gotta come to me empty handed. I said no guests. Your presence is present enough And I already had too much stuff, so how do you dare disobey me?

[Colin Crawford]

Welcome to I said no gifts. I'm Bridger Weiniger. We're here. We're doing, you know, the usual thing. The day got started on a very bad note. I sat next to a woman in a terrible hat. I mean, it didn't go any further than that. But just out of the corner of my eye, I was annoyed the entire time. I was supposed to be relaxing. And meanwhile, she's got this hat. Okay, so that happened this morning. What else has been going on? I thought of two people I'm mad at on the drive here, but I've managed to kind of put that on the back burner. I'll be mad at them after the episode. And I think that's essentially everything. Is there anything in my list of. Oh, I did see some unappealing rolls in the kitchen, the office kitchen. There are several unappealing rolls, prepackaged rolls that look like someone got them on a flight or something. Just throw them out. I don't think anyone's going to be eating those. I also realized recently, I think I've been eating expired cheese from the office fridge. They've since gotten rid of it. Of course. I eat my Babybel cheese almost every time I come here. And there were a few weeks in a row when I would begin gagging on the cheese, thinking, there's something wrong. And then that bag of cheese went away and they got a new one. And these ones don't make me gag. So obviously there was something going on with that bag of cheese. They need to be refreshing the cheese. This is now just me talking to the office manager. Brian. Get on it. Okay, then. I think we should just go through some actual business that I feel like we never get around to. There's [e-mail] probably slash. I said no gifts. You can use the Internet. Figure it out. Great T shirt. Everybody's got to get the T shirt. I just think it's dazzling. Leave a review for the podcast, no matter how you feel about it. But it should be a good, sparkling review, even if you hate the podcast. That's just a nice thing you can do for a stranger. And I think those are the two big pieces of business that I just don't get around to often enough. And it's really hurting the podcast. I'm sorry. I think we should get into the episode. I love today's guest. I really adore him. It's Cullen Crawford. Cullen, welcome to I said no gift.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Thank you for having me. Nice to see you, Bridget.

[Colin Crawford]

It's so nice to see you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Can I ask you a cheese question?

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, of course.

[Bridger Weiniger]

How many times did you eat the gag cheese and then eat it again? Like, how many times before you figured out that this is not good cheese?

[Colin Crawford]

I would say it was probably four times in a row. Now I have to explain why I continued trying at home. I have my own supply of Babybel cheese, which I refresh all the time, and those ones were fine. I was able to eat, chew them, and swallow them without feeling like I was going to be poisoned. So then I think there was the feeling of like, maybe there's just something. Something else is happening at the office, and I just need to get over it. But when it happened four times in a row and I had to spit it out in a garbage, I thought, okay, this is different than the one I have at home.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay, that sort of makes sense.

[Colin Crawford]

Have you ever had bad cheese?

[Bridger Weiniger]

So I have had bad cheese. Immediately flashing back to a bad cheese experience. We had one grandmother who was, like, kind of, well to do in our family. The rest of us are like dirt people. But she had this kind of, like, Gray Gardens lifestyle where she was the weirdest person I've ever met. Her house was full of mannequins and stuff.

[Colin Crawford]

This was like this office, by the way, this studio space. It's like a cigarette and Smarties in an ashtray.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, kind of like that. And she would have us eat whatever was in her fridge, no matter how old it was.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, boy.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And it was very important to her that we eat it. And, like, truly, substances that I could not identify. I choked down. I then would go throw up in the other room, and she made me eat this fucking cheddar cheese that was, like, half green.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, no.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And I still think about it.

[Colin Crawford]

Did it taste weird?

[Bridger Weiniger]

It felt very weird. And it. Yeah, I mean, it tasted like mold.

[Colin Crawford]

Did it make you sick at all?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, God. Well, that's the thing about cheese. And I think even growing up, we would like. If. If there was mold on the cheese, my mom would be like, well, just cut that part off and throw it away. Because cheese is mold. I think it's a little bit. We're playing with fire.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Absolutely. It's like margins around a tumor. It's like, how far do you cut around it?

[Colin Crawford]

I. Now if there's mold on anything in my fridge, it's immediately thrown out.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Ooh. I still got that raised from circumstances in me. That's like some of the bread's still good.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, bread. No, there's absolutely no chance.

[Bridger Weiniger]

What about expiration dates with you?

[Colin Crawford]

Expiration dates I've gotten very loosey goosey with. Because it's a scam. Yeah, it's like, essentially a scam. Unless it's something that's like eggs. Like something that could grow bacteria and give you a real sickness. I think I'm just like, well, I'll try it and if it doesn't taste great, I'll throw it out.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Turkey. A lot of the time we buy a lot of.

[Colin Crawford]

You're eating expired turkey.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I will smell it. Follow my nose on expired turkey.

[Colin Crawford]

I have a problem with regular turkey deli meat in general. I'm like, I have to be. It has to be so pristine.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's probably a good policy, but it's, like, gone through so many processes that I don't feel like it's barely an animal anymore.

[Colin Crawford]

It's almost like 80% salt.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, exactly.

[Colin Crawford]

That's probably true. It's like, probably what they did in the pioneer game. Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I was gonna say sailors were eating, like, boar's head turkey.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. It's just in a big trunk of salt and meat. So that makes kind of sense to me. But I recently had to throw out some cottage cheese, which I usually power through my cottage cheese. This one I left al fresh cottage

[Bridger Weiniger]

cheese are kind of powering through it.

[Colin Crawford]

Not true. Are you not on board with cottage cheese?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm a big consistency guy. Oh. And like, certain consistencies I just can't do.

[Colin Crawford]

Well, this is the thing I've learned with cottage cheese, even just, like, you know, it depends on the brand. There are some cottage cheese where the consistency is absolutely disgusting, vile, and then, like, the same, like, fat content, whatever of another brand. Delicious.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay.

[Colin Crawford]

Trader Joe's makes an excellent cottage cheese. Trader Joe's reach out. I also. You have to. I guess there's a difference between curd size, which I don't even like to say curd size.

[Bridger Weiniger]

A lot curd size.

[Colin Crawford]

But if you get the one that's large, it's disgusting. That really feels like milk gone wrong.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

It's like, well, this just feels like milk with huge chunks in it, which is revolting.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, we're better than that.

[Colin Crawford]

But you also need to have, like, a dry something with cottage cheese. You need to have toast, A cracker.

[Bridger Weiniger]

What is the. Like, I've had it a couple times, but, like, are we going savory? Are we going sweet?

[Colin Crawford]

Like, what are we aiming at? I need. I just need, like, a Plain cottage or a plain toast with cottage cheese. Some people like to put like jam or something in it. I haven't tried that yet because I feel like when dairy goes bad, it gets sweet. And so it's like, well, this is just pushing it even further into the territory of. This is.

[Bridger Weiniger]

There's something kind of treacly about that, like consistency plus sweetness. Also, can I just say, this is exactly what I thought being on a podcast for you would be like.

[Colin Crawford]

We're reading from a script. The I said no gift script right now. We fed this into ChatGPT. What would Bridger say on the cottage?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Cottage cheese consistency. Chat with Bridger.

[Colin Crawford]

No, I'm going through at least one giant thing of cottage cheese a week. But I think it recently went viral, which is the curse for everything cottage cheese did. Yeah. Then you go into Trader Joe's, the shelves are empty and you think these are who are like fans. Yeah, they're the fake fans. They're the fair weather fans.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Name five curd sizes.

[Colin Crawford]

Yes, exactly. I can name at least two. And I could, if I use my imagination, I could get three more in there. Medium, tiny and extra medium. But I went in there totally empty. It was like when the celery went viral. Do you remember when celery went viral?

[Bridger Weiniger]

We are on different Internets.

[Colin Crawford]

Well, I'll say outside of celery and cottage cheese. The rest of mine is just pure pornography.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Well, I mean, then we are on the same Internet.

[Colin Crawford]

No, there was a. I think this was like shortly May after the pandemic. Like the shutdown of the pandemic. Celery people were like juicing. Celery juicing? Yeah, they were like turning. They were just drinking straight up. Like they would run the celery through their juicer and then just drink that.

[Bridger Weiniger]

What do you get out of that? Isn't that water?

[Colin Crawford]

Isn't that like the whole thing about celery that like, it's nothing but I think people were saying it was solving their problems.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Any port in a storm.

[Colin Crawford]

True. I think that is the thing now. You think you hear something online that might fix something. You're like, well, nothing else is.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I just buy fucking pre workout powder just because.

[Colin Crawford]

What is pre workout powder?

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's like super energy drink, basically. And I'm not even working out. I'm just using it to be excited for the day.

[Colin Crawford]

Does it have a flavor?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Fruit punch.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay, so it's almost like a fun dip situation.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's like fun dip.

[Colin Crawford]

And do you mix it into water or what?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, yeah. You Drink it in water. You chug it, and you're supposed to, like, get excited to work out, basically.

[Colin Crawford]

It gives you a good attitude. Interesting. I want to try that. You should. I'm always looking for new things for exercise.

[Bridger Weiniger]

The pitch that it was given to me is you take it. And I've only done it a couple times now, but, like, you. It makes you. If you're not. Like, if you decide not to work out, it makes that a very unsatisfying. Like, it makes you feel kind of crazy.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, it has a bad consequence.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes, exactly.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, it punishes you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes.

[Bowen Yang]

Wow.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I was raised Catholic.

[Colin Crawford]

Where did you order this from?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Gnc.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, gnc. I've never purchased a GNC product.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, you haven't lived, my man.

[Colin Crawford]

GNC has really stuck it out, I think.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It really has.

[Colin Crawford]

I feel like there was a huge period of time where people were like, no one but weird bodybuilders shop there. And it was in every mall. And now I feel like probably kind of average people go and buy things.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, Well, I think obviously people. There's, like, health and wellness all over the world.

[Colin Crawford]

Right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And I think GNC is really good at riding whatever the current wave is.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, interesting. It's kind of almost like a Weight Watchers thing, where it's just like, we have a new weight watching.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I like Weight Watchers new thing. It's like, it's cool that you're fat. Don't worry about it. But also stop being fat.

[Colin Crawford]

Yes, they really will. Just, like, they maneuver. They have to do something to survive. I think they now do GLP once, which I guess is like, they probably saw those coming and thought, okay, it's over.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Look, no one's more tempted by the GLP1s than I am, but I just can't get over the idea that in 10 years, everyone's eyeballs are gonna be falling out or something because this was too good to be true.

[Colin Crawford]

I mean, I don't know what to say. I'm on the side of Big Pharma no matter what.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You texted me that beforehand.

[Colin Crawford]

Please don't speak ill of big Pharma. Okay, well, I want to try this fruit. My one problem with that is the fruit punch flavor is my least favorite flavor of anything.

[Bridger Weiniger]

What is? Because I have fruit punch Gatorade in my fridge right now.

[Colin Crawford]

The red one.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes. And I couldn't tell you a single fruit flavor. I can't identify a flavor in the fruit punch.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. I wonder what the base formula for fruit punch is.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Red.

[Colin Crawford]

Red. We love the red Fruit, I guess fruit punch and tropical punch. Is there tropical fruit punch? What is.

[Bridger Weiniger]

There's a tropical punch I feel like will be purple. Usually purple. And it'll have like a. What's the purple fruit? Guava or something.

[Colin Crawford]

Guava?

[Bridger Weiniger]

No, guava's the big boy.

[Colin Crawford]

Is it?

[Bridger Weiniger]

No. Passion fruit.

[Colin Crawford]

Passion fruit. Passion fruit, I think.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. It'll have a passion fruit on there.

[Colin Crawford]

Right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And again, it just tastes like sweet sludge.

[Colin Crawford]

And then there's Hawaiian punch.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes. Which I would assume has to be pineapple.

[Colin Crawford]

But it's red.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's red.

[Colin Crawford]

And it has the weird little man.

[Bridger Weiniger]

The weird little. Who I thought was a moose forever.

[Colin Crawford]

Well, I think we're thinking about different men. I always thought he was a leprechaun.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So he is a little man. But I thought he was a moose because he's got a straw hat and it looks like antlers.

[Colin Crawford]

I feel like I'm imagining a guy with like a broccoli shaped hair. Let's see here. I'm googling this guy. Let's get our eyes on Hawaiian.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And he punches people.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, that's right. We can agree he's violent. Oh, he does look so that's a hat.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's a hat, yes.

[Colin Crawford]

For the longest time I thought that was hair.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh.

[Colin Crawford]

But I think it's because for a long time it was just two colors. It was red and blue. And you didn't really see the hair underneath that thing.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, I thought that was. I thought he was a moose.

[Colin Crawford]

He almost looks like he belongs to what was the True Detective cult. Remember in the original True Detective, I think there's a cult that has something to do with antlers. Is this sounding right?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I just want to say the look on that guy's face is really bugging me. I don't like it.

[Colin Crawford]

He also looks like the front of his body is the back of his body.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, can I see it one more time?

[Colin Crawford]

Look at this.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So perfect. Perfect Hawaiian culture. The blue and white striped shirt that no one has ever worn in their entire life.

[Colin Crawford]

This man looks more like me than a Hawaiian person. And then they've gone 3D, which this isn't working in any way either. And now he's looking more like Greek myth.

[Bridger Weiniger]

He's also. Now he looks like he's happy for me to have the punch instead of. He's dropped the toy, he's going to hit me.

[Colin Crawford]

And he's drinking his Hawaiian Punch room temperature. It looks like. Which I'm not in love with, but it looks like Hawaiian Punch is pineapple. And peach.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's either a peach or a very suggestively shaped apple. And then, yeah, a purple ball.

[Colin Crawford]

My favorite fruit of all.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I love purple ball.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, and it looks like he's meeting somebody. There used to be another character. Are you familiar with that?

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's the man who he punched.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, that guy's not Hawaiian enough or something.

[Bridger Weiniger]

He's like a tourist. He's a haolie.

[Colin Crawford]

Interesting. Well, I hate all of those flavors. I think they're all disgusting. I. And the worst one of all, I think I've. I've talked to somebody on this podcast about it before. There's a fruit punch flavored Waterloo that tastes like rotting leaves.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, yeah, that's horrible.

[Colin Crawford]

It's the worst flavor. The Waterloo people usually are pretty good about their flavors, and they should be ashamed of this flavor. It feels like something went wrong and they like. It's not even supposed to be that flavor. And they just poured it into cans and trying to off sell that.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Almost like. It's like they like. This will make you appreciate the other Waterloos more.

[Colin Crawford]

Right? You have to have at least one of those in every sheep of the Waterloo family. Essenced water. I feel like with Lacroix, it's probably. Which one is the worst?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Well, this is controversial, I feel like, because everyone. That everyone hates someone really loves. Like, I don't mind the. What is it? The suntan one.

[Colin Crawford]

Coconut.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, I don't mind coconut.

[Colin Crawford]

I don't mind that one either.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I had one that tastes a lot like Capri sun recently.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, interesting.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And it's called, like, Beach.

[Colin Crawford]

Beach Plum.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. Beach Plum.

[Colin Crawford]

I like Beach Plum.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, I like Beach Plum.

[Colin Crawford]

I also like Beach Plum.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. Again, like, I feel like everyone has one that they like and hate. I don't really. I'll skip the lemons and the limes usually just because they're.

[Colin Crawford]

They're kind of like the most default flavor of all. Although I feel like those taste more like what Sprite should taste like than Sprite tastes like. Interesting, because Sprite, to me, does not taste like lemon lime.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Sprite was like a formative substance for me as a child.

[Colin Crawford]

I think it is for every child. I think past nine years old, though, if you're drinking Sprite.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, boy. We should talk about my entire diet if we're worried about progressing after being 9.

[Colin Crawford]

How was it formative for you?

[Bridger Weiniger]

It just was like, this is what refreshment tastes like. It really worked on me.

[Colin Crawford]

All the stuff I feel like as a child, whenever we would go to a fast food Greek place. I would always order Sprite and feel like I was really sophisticated combining that with my Greek food.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Absolutely. Also, you are sophisticated. Going to Greek restaurants in Mormon Utah.

[Colin Crawford]

In Utah, there are so many Greek restaurants.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Really?

[Colin Crawford]

There's a huge Greek population.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I would have thought this is like exotic as hell.

[Colin Crawford]

No, no, no, no. They're even represented in the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City by Angie Kay. She's very Greek. She's very. There are three Greek hamburger chains in Utah all owned by Greek people. Crown Burger, Apollo Burger, and Astro Burger. And they're all essentially the same restaurant. I think there must have been a

[Bridger Weiniger]

family that's like very highfalutin words for Raffles Burger.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

You go in and it's very. It's very like decorated by like somebody went to the Michael's decorating section and said, we're gonna do like a fancy restaurant.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm picturing it. Exactly.

[Colin Crawford]

But yeah, Greeks are very well represented in Utah, but not in Los Angeles.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay.

[Colin Crawford]

Shame.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That is a shame.

[Colin Crawford]

They're like two. Oh, I think actually the one good Greek restaurant is closing down that people really like. Papa Christos. Who's the guy there is just an adorable man. I don't know what they're doing too far away for me to drive to. So I never went. I'm probably not the problem. You'll never go.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, all the diners are dying.

[Colin Crawford]

All of the diners are dying.

[Bridger Weiniger]

This is why I voted for Trump.

[Colin Crawford]

You were a one issue voter and it was diners.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And he didn't even say anything about diners. I was like, this guy seems like he would want to bring back diners.

[Colin Crawford]

No, I don't think he would. Like a diner.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Too communal.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, it's too comfortable. It's too laid back.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And like a brassy waitress I think Trump could not deal with.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, there's no chance a waitress that would speak back to him. There's no chance that he would put up with that.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's true.

[Colin Crawford]

Do you know what diner I love in Los Angeles is Clark Street Diner?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I do. Like, we ate there semi recently.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, that's true. I go there too frequently.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I just wish it wasn't so crowded all the time.

[Colin Crawford]

You go on a weeknight and you'll probably be okay and I'll see you there. I run into people constantly there and it's not because they're always there. It's because I'm always so I'm just by mask.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You're the mayor, of course.

[Colin Crawford]

Did you drive your car here today?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I did drive my car here.

[Colin Crawford]

Do you want to talk about your car at all?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I like that if you don't know about my car. This sounds like we're in an English textbook or something.

[Colin Crawford]

You usually walk. Tell the story.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I drove it to the bookstore and I drove it to the library and the grocery store. No, I have a car. So right when Covid hit and everyone was going insane. But my version of going insane was I got a TV job. And I was like, I'm going to spend some of this money on a thing that will make me happy. And I bought a 2018 Ford Mustang. And then I was like, I'm going to learn to work on cars on this. So I started to try and make it faster with varying results.

[Colin Crawford]

I didn't realize you tried to make it faster.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I did. And it's like learning about adding components to the engine and stuff.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, my God.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And then I was like, well, this thing deserves some pomp and circumstance. So I named it Swamp Trash. And I made a logo for it of a big possum. And I made fake sponsors for it. And I just decorated the fuck out of this car. And I think it, like, people are like, do you think this is cool or is this a bit? And I'm like, it's both. I could.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, it's absolutely both.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I can't tell the difference anymore.

[Colin Crawford]

Do you get comments from strangers about it?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes. I get a lot of thumbs up. A lot of people looking at it. And then like, real car guys will look at me like I'm an asshole, which I'm totally cool with.

[Colin Crawford]

That's the best compliment you can possibly get.

[Bridger Weiniger]

One time I accidentally drove to Bob's Big Boy in it on, like, car night. And the amount of accidentally, truly, I was like, I didn't know it was car night. And I like, went through all these, like, Camaros and shit. And like, the angry, mean girl looks I got from every dentist with disposable income was shocking how just. And I just, like, did the little, like, drive in, turn around, drive out. I have not wanted here.

[Colin Crawford]

Well, to be fair to them, you are kind of making fun of them.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Kind of, but also celebrating.

[Colin Crawford]

Yes. I think it's really a beautiful thing. And the logo, the possum logo is so incredible. And I'm not even a possum person, but I think it works perfectly.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm increasingly a possum guy.

[Colin Crawford]

I am too, to be honest. I've like, finally, like, something has broken in me. I saw Enough pictures of baby possums that, like, I'm getting on board with the entire creature.

[Bridger Weiniger]

They also are in the swamp, but they're not the swampiest animal. I think about that a lot. That, like, they're everywhere.

[Colin Crawford]

They're kind of everywhere. Except for Utah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

Which was. I never saw a possum until I lived in la and then I was like, oh, that thing's under my car. Oh, my God.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I like them. I like the little rat tail.

[Colin Crawford]

What do you think is the swampiest creature?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Probably alligator.

[Colin Crawford]

Sure.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Or like a water moccasin, but that's, like, too cool for.

[Colin Crawford]

What's a water moccasin?

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's really poisonous snake. There's probably a better real moccasin. But that's what we call them.

[Colin Crawford]

Right. And they swim.

[Bridger Weiniger]

They swim.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, evil.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And apparently this is what I was told growing up. Maybe this is, like, not true. But, like, if you get bit by. By one once, there's an antidote, but it won't work the second time you get bit by one.

[Colin Crawford]

It's a. Learn your lesson snake.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Exactly.

[Colin Crawford]

Wow. That's fascinating. I just read the Orchid Thief and it's a very swamp heavy book. And I just love reading about the swamp and just what a bizarre place it is.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It really is a cool place. I'm from Louisiana, by the way. That's why it's called Swamp Trash. I realize I just sound like a maniac otherwise.

[Colin Crawford]

Have you. I imagine you've been on swamp tours.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes.

[Colin Crawford]

Have you ever just been into the swamp by yourself?

[Bridger Weiniger]

So like, we used to. There was a river in my town outside of New Orleans called the Bugafalaya River.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, I love that name.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And we used to go tubing in it.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And you would fall out of the tube, like drag behind a boat. Tubing.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And you fall out and you see, like, gators on the shore and stuff.

[Colin Crawford]

That's terrifying.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. You're just nine years old, floating in dark water, like, waiting for the boat to come around.

[Colin Crawford]

I have a hard time in just, like, a normal lake. I can't imagine. Did you know anybody who was attacked by a gator?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I did not. You asked all your guests this.

[Colin Crawford]

I should put that on the list. We're gonna find somebody who knows somebody.

[Bridger Weiniger]

This is the second podcast I've talked about this on. But gators don't bite you. I mean, they do, but their main mode of attack is not biting you.

[Colin Crawford]

Is it the tail?

[Bridger Weiniger]

They hug you and drown you.

[Colin Crawford]

That's very sweet.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's called a death Star.

[Colin Crawford]

Their problem is loving too much. Wow. I didn't realize.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, they, like, wrap around you and then drown you.

[Colin Crawford]

Whoa. And then eat you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Then eat you.

[Colin Crawford]

So do crocodiles bite?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Crocodiles bite the shit out of you.

[Colin Crawford]

Interesting. And I feel like we tried to get to the bottom of this on a recent episode of, like, where do crocodiles live? Is it Asia and Africa?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Probably Australia, too.

[Colin Crawford]

So they're not in the Americas.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm sure some have gotten here.

[Colin Crawford]

Right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But that's where they're from.

[Colin Crawford]

This is kind of related. I was in Hawaii a couple of months ago, and I was told we were in Kauai and there are chickens everywhere. And we were told the way the chickens got there is there was a hurricane and blew them all there. Do we believe this?

[Bridger Weiniger]

That sounds like a fun thing to tell tourists, right? Maybe. Also, are there a lot of hurricanes that hit Hawaii?

[Colin Crawford]

Well, I guess it would be a typhoon.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Typhoon, yeah. Maybe it wrecked a ship that had some chickens on it or something.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, it feels closer. Or maybe someone just brought them.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, that also makes sense. It's a thing that people cultivate.

[Colin Crawford]

I just can't imagine a chicken being blown around so much by a hurricane that it got to another island and it was still alive.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, me either.

[Colin Crawford]

Unless.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But I don't want to doubt someone's story either.

[Colin Crawford]

Someone's fontaneous.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I don't know anything.

[Colin Crawford]

And maybe it's true. I think that. I mean, it's wilder things have happened, and maybe a hen got blown there and killed and then an egg popped out of it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, now we're talking. Maybe a bigger bird killed a hen and carried it.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh. And sprinkled its eggs all over. See, these are things that can happen in nature. Yes, It's a bad thing, nature. Well, speaking of bad things, Colin, I was looking forward to having you here on the podcast today. I thought Cullen will come by, we'll speculate on how chickens got to different places, and then we'll move on with our day. So I was a little surprised. The podcast is called I said no Gifts, so I was floored when you showed up holding this beautifully wrapped gift.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Well, I bring you gifts every time we see each other. It has nothing to do with the podcast.

[Colin Crawford]

You spoil me.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes. It's like we both get off on it.

[Colin Crawford]

Yes, exactly. It's a sick game we're playing. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.

[Bridger Weiniger]

No.

[Colin Crawford]

Well, it's in this beautifully wrapped bag. It's this gift bag by Ralph. Yes. You obviously got this at Papyrus or one of these classy stores. Should I open it here on the podcast?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Uh, yes, I think you should.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay.

[Bowen Yang]

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[Colin Crawford]

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[Bowen Yang]

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[Colin Crawford]

Of course, if you. If you enjoy overpaying.

[Bowen Yang]

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[Bridger Weiniger]

But that's weird.

[Bowen Yang]

Okay, one judgment anyway.

[Colin Crawford]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail] this is Matt Rogers

[Bowen Yang]

from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. What if your WI fi was more than just WI fi? What if your wifi made everything in your whole house? Well, Xfinity WI fi pretty much does exactly that. It's powered by their best, most elite, high performing tech. Allow us to paint a very realistic example. Everyone in your house, everyone is on their devices at the exact same time. Gaming, working, swiping. Right. Because of course they are. And the finale of your favorite show of all time of the week is on at the exact same moment. Well, you can boost the WI fi to your device with Xfinity.

[Colin Crawford]

And have you ever asked yourself, what

[Bowen Yang]

if my WI fi could keep watch

[Bridger Weiniger]

over my kids for me?

[Bowen Yang]

Well, probably not, because that's a weird, weird thing to ask yourself. But Xfinity WI fi has parenting skills,

[Colin Crawford]

even if you sometimes forget yours.

[Bowen Yang]

Xfinity's like, don't worry, I'll monitor the WI fi. It's completely proactive, fixing issues before they even happen. Bottom line, Xfinity is smart and reliable. You deserve the peace of mind of having WI fi that's got your back.

[Colin Crawford]

Xfinity.

[Bowen Yang]

Imagine that.

[Colin Crawford]

So we'll dip into this bag. Ralph's fresh forever.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I saw this and I just immediately thought of you.

[Colin Crawford]

Let's see here. Oh, what is this? Smelling salt.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Smelling salts.

[Colin Crawford]

But it has like a holograph of a screaming lion on it that looks like, you know, it's like almost like deviant art style lion drawing. And it's for inhalation only. And it's by the band or band by the. This could be a band. Boda Son.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Boda Son.

[Colin Crawford]

Brand Boda Son. What's going on?

[Bridger Weiniger]

So this is smelling salts. Recently is a thing that I have like sort of half ironically gotten into.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, really?

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's a thing that weightlifters use to get hyped to lift weights. Again, theme.

[Colin Crawford]

The way you're bordering on actual drugs is very interesting.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean. Yes. And also NFL players use it to hide concussion symptoms.

[Colin Crawford]

What? And, oh, this is dark.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So we saw. My friends and I who watch football together saw like a segment where some guys tried this on the air.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And they were all like, kind of freaking. And so we bought some and did them. And it's extremely unpleasant, but also kind of gets you real excited. And so I wanted to include you in this journey that I'm on. So I thought we could do some smelling salts on the air. And this was just the like most gas station looking one I could find.

[Colin Crawford]

Where did you get these?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I got this on the Internet.

[Colin Crawford]

How dangerous is this?

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's not dangerous. It's just like concentrated cat piss, basically. It's not gonna hurt you, except for it'll be unpleasant.

[Colin Crawford]

Well, before I get. Before I lose my mind, we should talk about the science of this. Do you know anything about how it does any of this?

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's just ammonia that I think just really opens up your nasal passages and delivers a lot of oxygen to your air. I don't know.

[Colin Crawford]

You're going to be the last guest on this podcast

[Bridger Weiniger]

because you're gonna devote your life to smelling salts.

[Colin Crawford]

To selling them.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

I found my true calling is selling smelling salts. So wait, what is the actual use for these? What was the original?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I think it's for fainting Victorian ladies.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, of course.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Like waking them up.

[Colin Crawford]

And then the second is hiding concussion symptoms.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Hiding concussion symptoms.

[Colin Crawford]

How does it hide them?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I don't know. It focuses you temporarily or something. Wow.

[Colin Crawford]

Have they done anything to correct the concussion?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes.

[Colin Crawford]

What?

[Bridger Weiniger]

They now have these things called guardian caps that are like big soft layers on top of the football helmets that apparently do like, decrease the repetitive injury.

[Colin Crawford]

Really?

[Bridger Weiniger]

But it's optional. And Guys don't wear them because they look doofy.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, no. So it's like kids on bikes in the 90s.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes, exactly.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay, so, like, in 20 years, they'll finally be like, well, I can't believe we weren't wearing our guardian caps. So do any of them wear these? I've never seen one.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Certain guys do wear them, and then everyone makes fun of them.

[Colin Crawford]

These losers. Safety first. Exactly. You're making a ton of money. Just put on this thing and so you don't end up losing your mind when you're 50.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And I think I'm starting to, like, kind of like it.

[Colin Crawford]

I see this thing.

[Bridger Weiniger]

They look kind of like Toad from Mario.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, that's a great look. Nintendo should sponsor somebody.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, that would be wonderful.

[Colin Crawford]

Guardian cap. Let's see here.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm teaching about all sorts of things.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, this is great. It looks like Big Head mode in a video game.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And I was like, we just need to embrace it. It's fun.

[Colin Crawford]

These are incredible. This looks like something from the Last of Us. There are all kinds of things. These are great.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. Agreed.

[Colin Crawford]

If just one cool NFL player would wear one, they would all do it. They kind of look like grenades.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, they do kind of look like grenades.

[Colin Crawford]

This is fantastic. Oh, I want to wear one of these in real life.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I was about to say, like, if you could get a bigger version of your head to wear on top of your head, I feel like that would be a really good move. Wow.

[Colin Crawford]

Somebody should do something. Some of these actually kind of look. See, that looks kind of sleek. Yeah. I don't know if the video person can see this or not, but that looks almost like a volleyball, basically. Like a giant volleyball stuck on top of somebody's head. I'm for it, and I am cool.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You are for it, and cool.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. So I think that that's fine. Well, I had no idea somebody had tried the idea of, like, being an NFL player at this point and knowing how awful it can be for somebody and not wearing one of those, that's.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's bonkers. But then I feel like we're all making choices like that every day.

[Colin Crawford]

Not me. I did realize. I mean, I haven't snowboarded in years, but, like, when I was. I never wore a helmet.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

I mean, that's.

[Bridger Weiniger]

First of all, you're way too cool for that.

[Colin Crawford]

I'm way too cool, but I'm talking

[Bridger Weiniger]

about, like, eating microplastics. It's like we're all killing ourselves with a bunch of things anyway.

[Colin Crawford]

Yes. That's true. That's very true. But I don't know, if I was on a motorcycle, I would definitely wear a helmet.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes, absolutely.

[Colin Crawford]

An NFL player, if they were on a motorcycle, would probably wear a helmet. I'm trying to reach out to our NFL base. That's. Most of our listeners are guys, players,

[Bridger Weiniger]

but also general managers, of course.

[Colin Crawford]

Of course the coaches. It's everybody involved. But, yeah, that's. I wonder why.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I loved your super bowl episode, by the way.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You're live. You did a live reaction to the game.

[Colin Crawford]

We turned it off during the halftime show. I was too mad. I was screaming. I had to go over to America's halftime. Is that what that was called? The Kid Rock Show? Is that what it was called?

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's Turning Point USA.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, Turning Point USAs.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But, yeah, I don't know much about it because I used to really like a pig and shit, sort of dive into that stuff, and now I'm like, I can't let this shit in my brain.

[Colin Crawford]

No. I can't let that be part of my. They've taken up too much of my life already.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes, exactly.

[Colin Crawford]

But no, of course. Yeah. The super bowl episode. The ratings were huge. And we'll be back again next year. Football fans, tune in.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, man. We're gonna do it now, aren't we?

[Colin Crawford]

We kind of have to.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You wanna do a live football episode? We'll do it.

[Colin Crawford]

I actually, there was a while. I made a joke about this a long time ago, but I said, I wonder what would come out of my mouth if somebody had a gun to my head and said, commentate a football game. Because I do not know what I would be able to say about that.

[Bridger Weiniger]

This is the best idea I've ever heard. I think we should. Dynasty typewriter. We will live commentate this. The super bowl next year.

[Colin Crawford]

That's a good hostage movie. But it's just me commentating the super bowl with a gun to my head.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, it's like speed.

[Colin Crawford]

Yes, exactly.

[Bridger Weiniger]

If he says one thing that is, like, completely unmasculine, your head will explode.

[Colin Crawford]

And I'm kind of a Sandy Bullock type.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes, exactly.

[Colin Crawford]

So this is Speed three. Was there a Speed three? There was a Speed three.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I checked out after cruise control.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. I think that they kind of took it as far as possible. I can't believe they haven't rebooted Speed.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It is funny.

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

First of all, that is crazy. But, like, when you're thinking about what's the escalation from bus. Can't slow down. Cruise Ship is a strange choice.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. It's like there were so many other things they could have done in between the two of those.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And you can't tell the difference if a cruise ship is going fast or slow.

[Colin Crawford]

The cruise ship would have to be going so fast. A cruise ship going like a thousand miles an hour.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Now that I would watch. So what's your. Okay, let's go through. What's your ideal speed? Two vehicle.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay. Over a bus. Okay. So. And let me remind myself of the rules of speed. If it went under 50 miles an hour.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Under 50, it would blow up. There's a bomb on board.

[Colin Crawford]

I don't remember. I should have gone like 75. Why were they. 50 is such a mild speed.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, for a bus though.

[Colin Crawford]

I know, but it's a movie.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You're right. 50. Do you remember what the bad guy was hoping to achieve?

[Colin Crawford]

That's a great all.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I sounds like a social. It's like Mr. Beast.

[Colin Crawford]

He's gonna do it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

He will do it.

[Colin Crawford]

He's going to do it. And then he's also going to somehow cure blindness while it's happening. But I can't remember. I just remember the bus. And then I remember somebody crawling into the sewer at the end or something. Is that right?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I think they were on a. Did they end up in the subway?

[Colin Crawford]

I remember somebody lifting a fire hydrant off the ground and being like, I'm out of here.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Or of course you gotta end the bus movie in the sewer.

[Colin Crawford]

This right has to speed.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Creators are making some wild choices.

[Colin Crawford]

Somebody needs to go back and get their eyes on that movie. Because I need to. Obviously I don't need to watch speeding, but yeah. What could the goal have possibly been? He just hated Sandra Bullock.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Is it a distraction?

[Colin Crawford]

Sir X.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Is he like robbing a bank while everyone's watching the bus that can't slow down? Seems like there's easier distractions.

[Colin Crawford]

I hope it was somebody at the back of the bus that just needed to get somewhere fast.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I like that move.

[Colin Crawford]

But yeah. My second vehicle choice. Like, what would be something that would be fun to watch.

[Bowen Yang]

Go.

[Colin Crawford]

Really? Yeah. That or a backhoe. I would say.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Ooh, backhoe.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, I like a backhoe. There's certain. I love cement trucks. Cement truck going really fast.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That would be stuff coming out of it.

[Colin Crawford]

But there's not enough at risk there. It's just basically like one guy and some cement.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's true. So we need a high occupancy vehicle.

[Colin Crawford]

All right,

[Bridger Weiniger]

blimp. Now we're getting into the cruise Control territory.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, exactly. And again, I don't know how many people. Yeah, there aren't that many things that carry a lot of people.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's a perfect choice. It's hard to beat bus, I think.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. Because it's bus and then cruise ship.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And bus is the thing that can't go fast but has to go fast, which I think is part of it.

[Colin Crawford]

Right. And there's not that much fuel.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Maybe like 15 motorcycles.

[Colin Crawford]

I think a float would be fun. A braid float.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And you have to keep entertaining the crowd.

[Colin Crawford]

It has to be the best float ever done.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Well, okay. There is a movie that no one saw at all. And I was really drunk the first time I saw it. So I was like, this is a masterpiece. And then I made all my friends watch it and they all hated it. And it's called Grand Piano. Oh, do you know this movie?

[Colin Crawford]

No.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's a movie, I think, starring Elijah Wood as a concert pianist who has to play a whole piece from memory. If he plays one wrong note, the piano explodes. And what I remember, I can't remember how he found out, but I think he's got an earpiece in and it's like, if you fuck up, you're gonna blow up. And then I remember that it ends with him on the back of a flatbed truck still playing the piano.

[Colin Crawford]

Was this before or after? Was it Vanessa Carlton or Michelle Branch who drove the piano around town?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I think this is after. This might have been inspired by the

[Colin Crawford]

Gu based on the music video. Wow. I have to see this.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You should watch Grand Piano.

[Colin Crawford]

I mean, anyone who's ever had piano lessons can relate so directly to that. I remember like Mrs. Ziegler, her eyes just on the back of my head while I was playing the Friends theme song or whatever.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Did you learn the Friends theme song?

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, for a recital.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Did you do the claps?

[Colin Crawford]

I should have. You really should have. That was her fault. That was my piano teacher's fault. Come on.

[Bridger Weiniger]

What's the main thing about this song?

[Colin Crawford]

Yes. How did a 70 year old woman not tell me to do the hand clap?

[Bridger Weiniger]

She's not about getting outside the box.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, what a flop she was. Okay, well, I think we should try these.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I think so too.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay. This is so dangerous. I want to say you do it

[Bridger Weiniger]

first, but I think it's more fun if you do it first.

[Colin Crawford]

Maybe we should have Alice do them first.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So it's become a thing now among my friend group at parties to like

[Colin Crawford]

to do smelling salts.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Smelling salts.

[Colin Crawford]

And these are different than bath salts.

[Bridger Weiniger]

These Are different than bath salts.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Because nothing bad is going to happen to you except something extremely bad, like no damage will be done.

[Colin Crawford]

How does this not like further concussion problems?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Maybe it does.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Maybe this is like GLP1. We'll find out that this is gonna kill me.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay. Smelling the box. You can smell it through the box.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So usually what I do is little ampoules, and you crack them and do it. But I think this is just like a jar of goo that you open up.

[Colin Crawford]

How is this not illegal? Okay, it does have directions. Do not use if you have respiratory conditions. I have asthma. You have asthma?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay, well, then that's. I guess I can do them.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay, we're opening it. What a cute Little bottle. Old bottle. 10-15 cm from nostrils, inhaled gently. Do not place it directly in the nostril. Do not inhale for more than two seconds. Do not use more than once every 60 minutes.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Don't listen to that. Just open her up and take her.

[Colin Crawford]

Can we hold for just one moment, please?

[Bridger Weiniger]

We have to call the insurance company.

[Colin Crawford]

What's going on?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, boy. Am I the first one to bring, like, a gift so bad that it's not allowed to be used?

[Colin Crawford]

Something has gone wrong.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Corporate has called.

[Colin Crawford]

No, it's all good. Just one second.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, my God. I just do them right now before

[Bridger Weiniger]

anyone, just for fun.

[Colin Crawford]

Ellis, what's going on? I just want to make sure everything's okay for you to use these. Okay. Okay. Let's see here.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I didn't mean to peer pressure you.

[Colin Crawford]

I feel like I'm an athosphere. The stakes of this are very high.

[Bridger Weiniger]

This should all stay in.

[Colin Crawford]

I know. I think that this is storytelling. Edit this a little bit. But I feel like this is something that people need to experience in real time, whether or not I can use the smelling salts. Well, I wonder if they'll let you use them.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, I haven't used this particular brand.

[Colin Crawford]

This is. I can't believe this.

[Bridger Weiniger]

This is a. I am truly sorry if this caused some sort of problem.

[Colin Crawford]

There's nothing to apologize for. I like how dangerous this has become.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And we're talking football, motorcycles. This is just a bad boy.

[Colin Crawford]

This is the coolest episode I've ever done. I should have worn sunglasses. Let's see here. There's a lot of concern behind the scenes. Alice is looking a little. We're not sure.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm happy to be the only one who does it.

[Colin Crawford]

I'm sure it's fine, but I just. I want to be extra. Of course. I want to make sure you guys are both safe. I want blood on your hands. Exactly. I don't want anything. I don't care about your health. I just don't want to, you know, have anything come back onto me. That's my concern. Would Joe Rogan do it? That's the big question. I think Joe would have done it, and that's how I lead my life.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I went on Doughboys before. There's no one worried about, like, the food I was eating.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, I thought you were going to be like, I had them do the smelling salts.

[Bridger Weiniger]

We did poppers on. Do.

[Colin Crawford]

This is. I was reading some stuff about smelling salts, and I just, you know, I'm just. Oh, this is entirely. You're not even talking to the network. No, I'm having. Well, I'm having Jessica come in just to get confirmation. Listen, if y' all want to pass yourselves out, go for it. I'm just.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Do people pass out from songs?

[Colin Crawford]

I'm just. You. You do them all the time.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I do do.

[Colin Crawford]

I'm just gonna. Oh, I can. Yeah. Just please don't sniff too hard. That's what. We're coming back. You can do it. Just don't. Don't expose yourself too long.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Thank you very much.

[Colin Crawford]

I appreciate your humoring me. Ah, yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That'll wake you up. I'm gonna say it's pretty weak.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, it is.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, I mean, that's like. That's like when you're mopping the house or something.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of a concentrated jumping in.

[Colin Crawford]

The sort of thing where you think, oh, no, I've just damaged my brain.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes.

[Colin Crawford]

And all I was trying to do was mop the house.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But I always get, like, a little bit excited after I.

[Colin Crawford]

There's a familiar feeling about that. To me, that's like something else. I think it is just cleaning the house and the natural high of having a tidy home.

[Bridger Weiniger]

This is why NFL players love is they never clean their own houses.

[Colin Crawford]

They're slobs.

[Bridger Weiniger]

They don't know.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, yeah. They have so many.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Someone does it for.

[Colin Crawford]

Right. This is like kind of the artificial way of feeling like you're clean.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And you know what? There might be even some, like. Yeah, it's like.

[Colin Crawford]

I mean, it is kind of.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You get that kind of light feeling in your head.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. And it's like, if you've ever had a cat, it's like cat litter or the smell of cat litter.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, it's cat piss. So that's your gift.

[Colin Crawford]

How were you introduced to this?

[Bridger Weiniger]

We just did it at a friend's wedding. My friend brought a bunch of ampoules of it.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, my God.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And like, the liquid ones are even more powerful, I would say. And it was really fun. It's fun to watch other people sort of get initiated into it.

[Colin Crawford]

Right, Right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And so now I just like, I do it.

[Colin Crawford]

And now you're addicted and it's a problem.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I like, do it at, like, concerts and stuff.

[Colin Crawford]

And I guess you can take these anywhere. You can probably take it on a plane.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You do it right in the cops face,

[Colin Crawford]

get pulled over.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's legal.

[Colin Crawford]

Sorry.

[Bridger Weiniger]

The 120 miles per hour I was driving wasn't legal.

[Colin Crawford]

Wow. It's so fascinating. I'm really. I think this is such an interesting thing that I'm now addicted to.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's so funny that after all that buildup, you're just like, oh, it's kind of nice.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, it's just kind of a thing that I can imagine. This way. EMTs should have these.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I think they probably do.

[Colin Crawford]

They put them under your nose. Like, that's the first line of something, I imagine. And do you just have a whole cupboard of these at home now?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I had a big box of them and we've gone through them.

[Colin Crawford]

Do you have a favorite brand?

[Bridger Weiniger]

There's one that looks a little more medical than this. It's like in a white box. It doesn't have a line on it. And that's the good stuff.

[Colin Crawford]

That's for babies. That's for losers and babies and geeks.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Well, I thought this one was gonna be overwhelming. Cause there was a lion on it.

[Colin Crawford]

Right. This is kind of a nothing. It does look like gas station brands. Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Which. Which is what? I.

[Colin Crawford]

Who are the companies behind these gas station brands? That's my big question.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I saw a guy, I get the weirdest shit on Instagram. I believe that there's, like a chemist who like, buys this stuff and like, analyzes it to see if it's like, there's real stuff in it or not. Oh, and some of them do have, like, weird stimulants and stuff. Like what? I don't. I didn't pay enough attention. But like, he's like, yeah, this will mess you up. This is basically legal speed or whatever.

[Bowen Yang]

Whoa.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

Wow. I mean, I guess at truck stops sometimes you're looking for something.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Always. I know I am.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh. Do they come in different flavors or anything? No, it's always just kind of that. I feel like that would be a natural thing. Just add some.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. Put some like Menthol in there, Right?

[Colin Crawford]

It's for smelling, so why not make it smell beyond?

[Bridger Weiniger]

This is maybe a growth industry with, like, vapes and stuff.

[Colin Crawford]

We could get sharks.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's legal for children to do.

[Colin Crawford]

It's truly for anybody. People should have this around the house.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Like a chicken in every pot. Smelling salts. It's my campaign problem.

[Colin Crawford]

Smelling salts in every pot.

[Bridger Weiniger]

More diners and selling salts everywhere.

[Colin Crawford]

This must feel like at a really bad diner. Like at a Waffle House. You could probably buy these at the front counter.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Do not call Waffle House a bad diner in front of me. This is the one thing I will throw hands on.

[Colin Crawford]

I've never been to Waffle.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Waffle House is wonderful, and it does not deserve the place in our culture that it has.

[Colin Crawford]

Is it? Let me ask you. I despise Denny's. Better than Denny's.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, my God. You would spit Denny's out of your mouth.

[Colin Crawford]

I do. Regularly after having this. And the reason I'll say that Denny's is so horrible is because not only is it bad, it's not even cheap for how bad it is.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes, I agree.

[Colin Crawford]

I feel like it's robbing Americans in a way where I'm like, if it was, like, cheap, sure.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You know that cartoon of Mickey Mouse, like, cutting the bean in, like, little slices?

[Colin Crawford]

Of course. That's like, a very early memory for me. That's from Prince and the Pauper.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes. That's what I feel like. That's how they make their bacon. It's like, there's a big thing of bacon, and they're, like, cutting a little transparent, tiny thing of bacon off of it.

[Colin Crawford]

Absolutely. It's more like a moth wing.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes.

[Colin Crawford]

Moth wing. Bacon.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Mothwing bacon, which is like. That does feel like it's gonna be a trend.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, absolutely. Waffle House is, like, decent quality food.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Waffling is fucking good food.

[Colin Crawford]

Really.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's delicious, it's cheap, and it's open all the time. And the reason it has a reputation for being, like, a place for dirt bags is because it's so good and open that drunk people go there and start a bunch of shit.

[Colin Crawford]

Right?

[Bridger Weiniger]

And then because of that, the staff has to get good at fighting.

[Colin Crawford]

Right? They have to do kung fu training or something.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But it is fucking good food. And I would say, anyone, if you're in the south, go to Waffle House. They probably support the worst shit on earth, excellent causes. But I do love the food at Waffles.

[Colin Crawford]

Is the menu expansive or is it just like breakfast?

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's pretty expansive.

[Colin Crawford]

Really?

[Bridger Weiniger]

They have all sorts of sandwiches and stuff.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay.

[Bridger Weiniger]

The waffles are very good though.

[Colin Crawford]

And. Oh, okay. So what you're saying is the rest of the menu is not great.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I've never had like the chicken club or anything. I always get the breakfast.

[Colin Crawford]

I feel like a club sandwich. If a restaurant can't make a decent club sandwich, something has gone extremely wrong because it's just like good things, a bunch of them put together.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Agreed. I would say a white chicken breast you can fuck up. We've all had a dry white chicken

[Colin Crawford]

breast or one where you're like, I don't know if this is cooked all the way through. Oh, yes, now I'm scared. But turkey club is an easier one where it's just deli meat. Yes. Chicken club is a little bit trickier. I guess that's true. But a club sandwich in general should be good on almost that. And a Cobb salad should be good on any menu.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Is club sandwich from like country club? Is that like that?

[Colin Crawford]

That's a good question.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It feels like country club food to me.

[Colin Crawford]

Right. But structurally also feels like the club. You know, it's got two floors and,

[Bridger Weiniger]

oh, like a dance club. Yeah. What's the VIP section of the club sandwich?

[Colin Crawford]

I think they're named after the rave. After raves, I'll have a rave sandwich. Club sandwich. It must be from like an old country club or something.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Now I want to go to a club and pass out club sandwiches.

[Colin Crawford]

The hottest people in the world rolling

[Bridger Weiniger]

on E, eating turkey claws with mayonnaise on their face.

[Bowen Yang]

This is Bowen Yang from Lost Culture Research with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. We all know the feeling when life gets really busy. Taking care of yourself can feel impossible. That's why Premier protein shakes are my go to. They have 30 grams of protein, 160 calories, no added sugar, and they taste amazing. So they're a healthy choice you'll actually want to make. It's not just for fitness, it's for getting afterlife. Premier Protein powers me to say yes to more. Find your favorite [e-mail] that's P R E M I E R protein dot com. This is Matt Rogers from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. What if your WI fi was more than just WI fi? What if your WI fi made everything in your house just work together better? Well, Xfinity WI Fi pretty much does exactly that.

[Colin Crawford]

It's powered by their best, most elite

[Bowen Yang]

high performing tech Allow us to paint a very realistic example. Everyone in your house, everyone is on their devices at the exact same time. Gaming, working, swiping. Right? Because of course they are. And the finale of your favorite show of all time of the week is on at the exact same moment. Well, you can boost the WI fi to your device with Xfinity.

[Colin Crawford]

And have you ever asked yourself, what

[Bowen Yang]

if my wi fi could keep watch

[Bridger Weiniger]

over my kids for me?

[Bowen Yang]

Well, probably not, because that's a weird thing to ask yourself, but Xfinity WI fi has parenting skills, even if you sometimes forget yours. Xfinity's like, don't worry, I'll monitor the WI fi. It's completely proactive, fixing issues before they even happen. Bottom line, Xfinity is smart and reliable. You deserve the peace of mind of having WI fi that's got your back, Xfinity. Imagine that.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I like things my way. My coffee, my schedule, and my treatment. So I talked to my doctor about

[Colin Crawford]

self injecting with the Vivgard Hytrulo pre

[Bridger Weiniger]

filled syringe which contains fcartigamide alpha and hyaluronidase qvfc. It's injected under your skin subcutaneously.

[Colin Crawford]

It means I can inject in my

[Bridger Weiniger]

space on my time. It's my treatment my way. Visit vivgartmyway.com that's V-Y-V-G-A-R-T my way.com and

[Colin Crawford]

talk to your doctor about Vivid Vivgard

[Bridger Weiniger]

Hytrulo brought to you by Argenics.

[Colin Crawford]

Well, I feel great about this new product. I don't know.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I think you should work this and pre workout into your daily regimen.

[Colin Crawford]

This is like an embarrassing thing to say aloud, but I was trying to take creatine for a small minute because I was told it was good. I want to clarify for your brain. Apparently there's a ton of science about it being good for your brain. But then my doctor said my kidneys, there's something going wrong there. And I thought, this coincides with taking creatine.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That would make sense. I mean, that makes sense.

[Colin Crawford]

Now what am I supposed to do? My brain's just supposed to atrophy?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I guess so. Only game in town.

[Colin Crawford]

That was the only thing I've ever taken as a supplement and it's been taken from me.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Did you feel like you had material benefits from it or was it more just preventative?

[Colin Crawford]

I think just preventative?

[Bowen Yang]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

I mean anything that it was doing I did not feel outside of apparently it harming my kidneys. But that may have Been something else, maybe, so I might toy with it again in the future.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I had a weird thing where I was sick and nothing was, like, fixing it. And I took a blood test and I got a phone call where the lady at the blood test lab was like, I don't do this. We aren't supposed to call people.

[Colin Crawford]

Whoa.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But you need to go to the hospital because, like, normal. Whatever, some level, some kidney level, like, she's like, a normal number is 27 and you have 1100. And so I had to go to the hospital and spent, like, two weeks with, like, at Cedars Sinai with, like, one of some of the best infectious disease people in the country trying to figure out what was wrong with me and not able. They were like, you have some virus that we don't have a name for. And we're. You're lucky it's going away because otherwise we couldn't do anything.

[Colin Crawford]

You could have been a star if you had got that virus going.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

What a missed opportunity for you. Wow, that's.

[Bridger Weiniger]

My IMDb meter would have shot up.

[Colin Crawford]

You would have been in at least top thousand for sure. What was I going to say about this? Something about, oh, this person saying, oh, we don't usually do this. It's like, wait, you saw an alarming number and you. What do you usually do?

[Bridger Weiniger]

They're supposed to let doctors do that. And, like, tell the doctors.

[Colin Crawford]

I feel like if there's an extremely scary number, there should be some. Some protocol. It's like, well, maybe we let the person know.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I agree. But then you get into the weird, like, well, what? Where's the line?

[Colin Crawford]

Right?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Apparently I was so far over the line.

[Colin Crawford]

Good for her for going rogue. Yeah, she probably lost her job. You owe that woman a lot.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I owe her so much. She's calling me all the time, begging for me.

[Colin Crawford]

I saved you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

What have you done with it?

[Colin Crawford]

I do feel like. Public service announcement. My brother just found out he has celiac disease, and his doctor basically wouldn't let him. He was like, no, you shouldn't take the test for that. For over a year, my brother was about to have his gallbladder. Sorry, Jesse, I'm revealing all this shit, man. Yeah. My brother was about to have his gallbladder removed, and they were like, no, it's fine. And my brother finally took this test, and they were like, oh, your number is at 500. It's supposed to be five or below. So I don't. What are doctors doing?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I think doctors. Look, I don't want to get into the whole Joe Rogan thing here. But doctors increasingly have become your go between for Google because it's like 80% of the time it disappies. And they don't want to do the extra work of stuff.

[Colin Crawford]

I mean, the thing that I think occurs to you as you get older is that you realize the professionals in your life, that's their job. And they might be bad at their job. So it might be like, maybe don't do your own research. Maybe just go to another doctor.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm not anti doctor, but I do think there's a culture of doctors being like, you know, what's that thing? Was it you hear hoofbeats? It's horses, not zebras or whatever.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, I've never heard this. I like it a lot.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And sometimes it's fucking zebras. And you gotta account for the like 5% of times it's zebras.

[Colin Crawford]

So that's something to kind of say, stop worrying.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

And if you hear your doctor say that, maybe find another doctor. Because why are they using this folksy

[Bridger Weiniger]

phrase, oh, you're kind of like a donkey lost a car or whatever.

[Colin Crawford]

He drives off in his wagon.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Thanks, doctor. Just like sweating and sallow.

[Colin Crawford]

No, I like my doctor. If anyone needs a doctor, Dr. Pacino's very good.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Dr. Pacino.

[Colin Crawford]

Dr. Pacino's been very good to me. Okay. But I have had some bad doctors in the past. My first really bad experience with the doctor was over a televisit. I still don't trust a televisit.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I don't like it at all.

[Colin Crawford]

I need a human being to touch me in some way. Yeah. Because otherwise I just don't believe that they really know what's going on.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I think there's also a psychological aspect of like, a doctor has touched I am healed flavor.

[Colin Crawford]

Truly. I think there is a little bit of the sugar pill aspect of it or something that's like, yeah, I don't do a televisit at all anymore.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Do you ever do a televisit and the doctor has the fake background of a living room behind them?

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, no, that would be horrible.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I did not care for this at all, Richard.

[Colin Crawford]

No, it should be a busy hospital scene or a lab with all the colorful liquids and beakers. Give me.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. A white wall with a jar of tongue depressors.

[Colin Crawford]

Yes, exactly.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I don't want to see a fucking like Crate and Barrel appointed apartment behind me.

[Colin Crawford]

No, no, no, no.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I did not care for it.

[Colin Crawford]

Wow. Or they should have one of those weird AI backgrounds that you see all the time. That's like a cozy cabin, but there's something very uncanny about it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

A weird cafe with snow falling outside.

[Colin Crawford]

Exactly the thing. I've started looking at those more closely. I'm like, what? Here is something that a human being would not think is normal. And usually there'll be like a fireplace that's so separate from the rest of the house that's like next to a lake, but it's a regular fireplace. It's like. I know, I know. A computer thought, that's a cozy thing next to a beautiful thing. But that's not mechanically or engineering wise. That doesn't make any sense.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I like this. This is going to be the Stops AI.

[Colin Crawford]

They're kind of fun puzzles.

[Bridger Weiniger]

The feng shui of these things is just a nightmare.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay, well, I've done my smelling salts. I finally. I think this is the first time I've ever been peer pressured into doing anything.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Really?

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. Pretty. Let's see. I'm trying to think back if there's anybody who's ever peer pressured me. I don't think they have. I'm very strong.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm sorry. I don't like the idea of peer pressuring you.

[Colin Crawford]

I do.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Again, these games we play.

[Colin Crawford]

Put me on camera and you can get me to do anything.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Same.

[Colin Crawford]

Is there anything left to say about smelling salts?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I think everyone should try them. They're really fun.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Here's the thing. I went to the again, I know how Bro Y and Millennial. I'm coming off on this podcast, but I went to LCD sound system.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, here.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And I was on James Murphy.

[Colin Crawford]

Come in.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Look, I saw the wallpaper. I think this is a Millennial friendly environment. And I was on mushrooms and we had smelling salts and I did a smelling salt when the chorus of North American Scum hit. And I don't think I've ever felt better in my entire life.

[Colin Crawford]

You got on hims.com.

[Bridger Weiniger]

you were ordering bombas in my Albert. Voting for Obama, writing him in.

[Colin Crawford]

No. That sounds like a nice time.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It does.

[Colin Crawford]

That sounds like a perfectly fine time. Where were you seeing them?

[Bridger Weiniger]

The bowl.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, at the bowl. Was that with Pulp?

[Bridger Weiniger]

It was with Pulp.

[Colin Crawford]

I wanted to see Pulp so bad.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Pulp was great. Pulp did this thing. What's the guy's name? I can't remember.

[Colin Crawford]

Jarvis Cochrane.

[Bowen Yang]

Yes.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Jarvis Cochrane did this thing that I was like. He was like, I like to. I'm gonna try something that I'd never done before. Cause he was throwing grapes at people in the audience. He said, I'm gonna throw it up in the air and see if I can catch it. I've never caught it before. I was like, this motherfucker catches it every night. And then he caught it in his mouth and the whole place goes crazy. And I was like, yeah, that's.

[Colin Crawford]

He's the coolest man alive.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Show person ship right there.

[Colin Crawford]

If anyone has a chance to see Pulp live and you haven't done it, you absolutely must. Jarvis, reach out. Oh, that's. But ultimately, because I'm cheap and just don't like leaving the house, I did not go.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I also don't like. This was my. Like, let's experiment with leaving the house

[Colin Crawford]

and also the Hollywood Bowl. Getting in and getting out of it is such a huge pain that you

[Bridger Weiniger]

just gotta know going in that this is gonna be an unpleasant experience.

[Colin Crawford]

Like, that's a real journey. I want to be helicoptered in.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That would be great.

[Colin Crawford]

All right. And as not the performer being helicoptered,

[Bridger Weiniger]

there's fucking drones everywhere.

[Colin Crawford]

They should have one.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Why can't we just have a little harness hanging off of a drone?

[Colin Crawford]

That takes place kind of Indiana Jones style.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I mean, most people will die screaming, but it would be really cool to just get taken places.

[Colin Crawford]

That's kind of like a Mary Poppins thing. It should have an umbrella that you hold onto the bottom and it takes you to the air.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's just 100% on your core strength, whether you live or not.

[Colin Crawford]

I'm willing to try it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Look, someone coming down on an umbrella with like 60 drones attached to it.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, my God, what a dream. There's certainly a drone that can car weight, I'm sure, right? I've seen. The closest I've seen to that is Donny Osmond entering by helicopter, dangling from a rope into what was known as the Stadium of Fire. This is something that takes place in Utah every year.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Wait, is Stadium of Fire a location or an event?

[Colin Crawford]

It's an event on the 4th of July. Light up the night on the 4th of July light up the sky on the 4th of July. That's part of the theme of that.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That's really nice sounding. Standing of Fire is like a circle of hell.

[Colin Crawford]

It sounds like the Whitesnake thing. Wait, was it Whitesnake? What was the thing where the club started on fire and everybody died?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Great White.

[Colin Crawford]

Great White. Oh, and Great White. That's the name of the restaurant that's had some racist allegations here in Los Angeles.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I can't imagine why,

[Colin Crawford]

but Stadium of Fire does sound like it was like a tragic catastrophe or like it's in

[Bridger Weiniger]

The Book of Revelation. When the stadium of fire is ignited,

[Colin Crawford]

the six headed beast enters by helicopter into the stadium of Fire.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Donny Osmond, the Antichrist. Look, he's charismatic. He's a little bit rock and roll, the two things I know about him.

[Colin Crawford]

A funny rumor I've heard about Donny Osmond was that, like in the 80s, he was trying to revamp his image. And I don't know if this is true or not, but Michael Jackson told him he should change his name to Viper.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Viper Osmond. What a timeline that would be.

[Colin Crawford]

Can you imagine you picture Donny Osmond and then next to the name Viper. It doesn't make a ton of sense.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Not at all. It's also funny to imagine Donny Osmond going to Michael Jackson for advice on how to be broadly likable when Michael Jackson's popularity is an insane accident propped up by insane talent.

[Colin Crawford]

Absolutely.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But it's not like a blueprint of.

[Colin Crawford]

No, no, no, no, no. No one should follow whatever was going on there. That's a path to some tough situations. I think we should play a game.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, I love games.

[Colin Crawford]

We're going to play a game called Gift Master, but I need a number between one and 10 from you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Six.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay. I have to do. Oh, I'm looking at these caps again. What are they called? The angel guardian cap. I got to close the window. I need a number. I was ignoring you completely. Now it's okay. What number?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Six.

[Colin Crawford]

I have to do some light calculating to get our game pieces. I'm starting to realize that these smelling salts have done something.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, you're a little peppy.

[Colin Crawford]

So while I'm doing my calculating promote recommend. Do whatever you want. I'll be right back.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Thank you so much. So I have a show that I created coming out on Netflix. It's an animated show called Strip Law. It is about lawyers in Las Vegas and it is just a hard authority animation comedy. It stars Adam Scott and Janelle James and Steven Root and Shannon Hezella. Probably a million of your former guests are voices on the show. Pretty much any funny improv person in LA has been a voice on the show. Yeah, the writing staff was so great. And it's just if you like joke and I know if you like Bridger, I know you like joke a minute stuff because he has worked on some of the best. And this is just a joke Machine Gun animated comedy. And it comes out February 20th on Netflix. And if you like Bridger, I think you will like it.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm taking forever Because I'm high.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, I've ruined him. This is cut to six months. You're breaking stuff like, where's my goddamn smelling salt?

[Colin Crawford]

Okay, everybody go watch striplaw on Netflix. Cullen is the best joke writer I am aware of. And no one is more concerned about things being fun funny than Colin Crawford.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Almost to a fault, I would say.

[Colin Crawford]

Probably Colin wrote, I think probably when Twitter wasn't. Hell, my favorite tweet. And I tried to look it up recently, tried to find it anywhere online and wasn't able to, which was so depressing. And I won't even say it aloud here because it was one you kind of had to look at.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. It's also hard to recount a tweet.

[Colin Crawford]

Yes. But I will say it had something to do with both Glenn Close and Ellen Burstyn.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, I can talk if you want to know it, because I do know. I'm proud of that one because it's so sweet.

[Colin Crawford]

Can you repeat it?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes. It is a quote that starts close to Burstyn. I'm close to Burstyn. That's the quote. And it's attributed to Glenn Close telling Ellen Burstyn she really needs to pee over walkie talkie.

[Colin Crawford]

That should be printed somewhere. Someone put that on your grave or something.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I like to imagine it's dialogue from a movie where they're motorcycling across America

[Colin Crawford]

and they haven't pulled over yet.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes. Which honestly sounds like a great movie.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, it's amazing. They're both a Bursten. I'm close to burst.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Thank you so much, Bridger. You're the funniest.

[Colin Crawford]

But please go watch. We need people watching funny things more than ever.

[Bridger Weiniger]

If I can give you a little Netflix dirt, too.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, please.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I don't know if I'm supposed to tell people this or not. There's a thing you can do on Netflix where you can give something a thumbs up or a thumbs down or two thumbs up. And two thumbs up apparently is really important.

[Colin Crawford]

How do you do that? And why don't they tell people about that functionality?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I should know how to do that. I think it's on the show page, maybe.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But it was expressed to me that two thumbs up, really good to get two thumbs up. One thumbs up bad. It's bad for you to get one thumbs up. It's worse than no thumbs up. What?

[Colin Crawford]

Then they should send you to a night class to learn these things before you can use Netflix.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I agree.

[Colin Crawford]

Because if that matters in any way, they're not letting people know.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes.

[Colin Crawford]

I'm not doing Anything I probably shouldn't

[Bridger Weiniger]

tell people, but please give us two thumbs up. You have so much more power on Netflix than you might think you are.

[Colin Crawford]

You really do. It's maybe more than you should. Ultimately, I think that maybe somebody else should be stepping in, having taste. Yeah. But what are you gonna do? Okay, everyone give two thumbs up to Strip Law. Watch Striplaw Review this podcast. Do something to support the thing that you care about.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Buy some smelling salts.

[Colin Crawford]

And if you do nothing else today, buy smelling salts and become addicted to them. Okay, this is how we play Gift Master. I'm going to name three gifts, three things you can give away. Then I'm going to name three celebrities and you're going to tell me which gift you would give to which celebrity and why.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay.

[Colin Crawford]

Does that make perfect sense?

[Bridger Weiniger]

That makes perfect sense. Why did I need to pick a number?

[Colin Crawford]

Because I had to do random picking to get our game pieces.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay.

[Colin Crawford]

Because I have a document that looks like it's created by someone with something wrong with them. And so I have to get into that and do it. Okay. So the gifts you'll be giving away are, number one, a deep sea fishing excursion. That's nice. Number two, a three piece luggage set. And number three, an early grave.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Colin Crawford]

You'll be giving them to Christian Bale, Yao Ming and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay, Perfect. So I have to doom one of these people to death. How are we defining early?

[Colin Crawford]

That's up to you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Okay, so I don't want to kill any of these people. I like all these people. I should probably kill Sabrina because she's fictional. But I'm not going to. I would give the early grave to Yao Ming only because I like Yao Ming. I think he's very personable. I like watching him play basketball. Because of his size, he's doomed to an early grave, probably.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, he's very tall. This is the one thing I have on all of my tall friends. So I get to brag about, tend to live long.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So at least this way the grave is paid for.

[Colin Crawford]

Right, Right. And he's. I feel like he's probably done. He's lived his most golden years as an excellent basketball player. He's probably a little bored now anyway.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes, yes, I'm sure. His life, his quality of life is probably not there anymore. He's like a God in China, I believe.

[Colin Crawford]

But he's gotten to live 50 lives already. Yes.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So he's probably like the star that burns brightest. He could burns quickest.

[Colin Crawford]

If you asked him, he'd probably say, I'M okay dying.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm sure he would.

[Colin Crawford]

I'm paying him as the most depressed

[Bridger Weiniger]

person for no reason. Everyone, whatever social media you have, reach out to Yao Ming and ask him if he's okay, please. And all your friends, reach out to your friends for Sabrina the Te. No, I'm going to Christian Bale next.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay.

[Bridger Weiniger]

He is getting the deep sea fishing excursion. Absolutely. Because I think it would be really funny to see him deal with it. I think either he'd really love it and get really into it or would be, like, cussing up a storm.

[Colin Crawford]

He's got a short fuse.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. He'd have trouble with all the equipment. He'd have to have conversations with fishing men, which would be really fun to experience.

[Colin Crawford]

It's weird to think he's like. Because he's a former child star, you think of him as kind of like, tough person or whatever, but I think he's probably pretty soft.

[Bridger Weiniger]

He's a theater boy.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. He's like a little British theater guy.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. I mean, I think about that all the time. About every. Every actor, and I love actors. If we love them, is someone who decided it was a good idea to try and be world famous, which is like.

[Colin Crawford]

I mean, that's especially the thing with. When somebody's leader of a country, you think, oh, so there is something wrong with you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes, exactly.

[Colin Crawford]

Your brain is crazy.

[Bridger Weiniger]

You roll the dice on. I should be in front of everything.

[Colin Crawford]

Yes. I should control everything.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So, yeah, actors, we love them, right? We love them, folks. So, yeah, I'm sending him deep sea fishing, I think. Cause, like, deep sea fishing guys, I feel like, are a very certain subset.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Of people.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, absolutely. I'm surprised he hasn't been in a movie about a deep sea fisherman yet.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

That feels like a thing where he would have to drastically gain or lose some type of weight.

[Bridger Weiniger]

He's going up against what's his fuck from Boston.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Every single time.

[Colin Crawford]

Who was in the ship. The Boat movie?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes, the boat man. Mark McConaughey.

[Colin Crawford]

Mark McConnell.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I work in this industry. Mark Wahlberg.

[Colin Crawford]

Trying to name celebrities is my number one wish.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I need more creatine.

[Colin Crawford]

My brain's going, okay, so he's going on this gorgeous sea fishing.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Where is the deep sea fishing?

[Colin Crawford]

I have to assume, like, the North Atlantic.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes.

[Colin Crawford]

You know, it's gotta be dark, cold, perfect, wavy.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Although he might like that. Christian Bale in a tropical environment is fun to think.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, yeah. Christian goes tropical.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. Like he's marlin fishing or something.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. No, I think he's in. Maybe he's in the Baltic Sea. I feel like the Baltic Sea would be an interesting deep sea.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Seeing him go method for this and start to adopt some accents would be great. And then. So I guess that means they're giving luggage to Sabrina the teenager. I got no reasoning for this.

[Colin Crawford]

She needs it least of all. Yeah. She's a witch.

[Bridger Weiniger]

She could just transport things.

[Colin Crawford]

No witch needs luggage.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That old saying that my doctor said to me, you're like a witch with luggage. I like the talking cat on that show.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. What was his name? His name was Salem, which is a name to give a witch's cat. Yeah. Because the cat. Yeah. This kind of name. Yeah. He was the wise talking. Did they have that cat in the dramatic reboot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I would imagine there's like a nod to it.

[Colin Crawford]

Maybe the cat says, like, I don't like a nod. I don't like that.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Address your generational trauma or something.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. No, there should be a cat that's kind of got quips and wisecracks.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I thought that cat. I was like as a kid, I was like, that cat is the funniest person on earth. Like, whoever voices that cat should be a household name. Honestly, if you're out there and you voice the cat, hit me up. If we get a season two of

[Colin Crawford]

Strip Law, the cat should be a series regular.

[Bridger Weiniger]

He should be dropping in on other

[Colin Crawford]

shows that should join the legal office.

[Bridger Weiniger]

But Salem host SNL. There was that big whitehouse.gov petition.

[Colin Crawford]

Well, you played the game perfectly. No one can complain.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Can I ask, do you have have an answer to this?

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, let's see how I would feel about this. My initial thought was, I don't want to kill anybody. Well, there are real people I want to kill, but not these three. I don't want to kill Yao Ming or Christian Bale. I would have obviously said early grave Sabrina and the Teenage Witch, but I do like the idea of having to choose between these two real men. And I would probably say an early grave I would probably give to Christian Bale.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

And not because I don't like him or don't think he's a father. And I've seen his ribcage. I've seen it all. But I feel like as an actor, there are diminishing returns. He's probably getting frustrated. He's probably not getting your roll.

[Bridger Weiniger]

He love putting people at the pasture.

[Colin Crawford]

He's past what's left for him. It's kind of a Sunset Boulevard situation. He's kind of wandering Around a mansion ready to kill a journalist.

[Bridger Weiniger]

All his monkey dies.

[Colin Crawford]

He should probably have an early grave before someone ends up floating in his pool. And then I would give. I feel like Yao Ming probably doesn't think. He's probably traveling all the time and probably hasn't upgraded his luggage in his. While I feel like he's the sort of person who doesn't do a lot of fancy stuff.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, he kind of probably takes a little bit of pride.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah. So I think that he's kind of a penny pincher and so he deserves a nice set of luggage. There is a difference because I only buy the bad ones. So I know that if you got a good one and he's, you know, he's NBA royalty. And then that would give Sabrina this deep sea fishing excursion, which again, which

[Bridger Weiniger]

kind of fucks the whole thing up because does she need the excursion to get folds?

[Colin Crawford]

That ship is going to be loaded with fish. It's going to be raining fish onto it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Maybe though, it's like kind of like it's about the experience for her.

[Colin Crawford]

Right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's like, you know, we do it because it's hard.

[Colin Crawford]

She wants to feel human.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Exactly.

[Colin Crawford]

Kind of a celebrity feel. Well, we both played it perfectly.

[Bridger Weiniger]

We did.

[Colin Crawford]

Okay, we should answer a listener question. People are sending in voice notes or emails to isaidnowgiftsmail.com listener. The voice notes should be 60 seconds long or shorter. Shorter is always better. And they should be in a space that doesn't sound like you're out on the freeway or falling down the stairs. Ellis, do we have a question? Let's hear it. Dear Bridger Ellison, well mannered guest. I have a friend who said she would do this favor for me over a week ago, but she still hasn't done it. It's not a dire situation or anything, but I would still like it for it to be done. I've reminded her twice already and I'm concerned that a third time might be too many reminders. I don't know. What do you think? What should I do? Thanks in advance. Okay, well, I'm immediately not on this person's side at all.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I was about to say this is why I hate personal relationships.

[Colin Crawford]

Over a week ago. That's nothing.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah. For real.

[Colin Crawford]

What? I usually wait about six months before maybe reminding.

[Bridger Weiniger]

So I was a little glazed over. Does that mean two reminders have come within a week?

[Colin Crawford]

Within like I would say probably 10 days, it sounds like. Is that right, Alice? Yes. Okay, so this person is a nuisance. This is.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Let's Say type a person.

[Colin Crawford]

No, this person's a problem person.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I can say, I know how the other side of this is feeling because I am this person. Sure. The more you ask, the more I'm gonna be avoidant about this fucking thing and just be like, oh, let's just watch this leg rot.

[Colin Crawford]

But then what's the solution for this person? I mean, I think that they started off way too hot. I think they should have waited at least three weeks.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yes, absolutely. What is the favor is.

[Colin Crawford]

Obviously that's true. Like if my house is on fire, maybe you are a little bit more

[Bridger Weiniger]

urgent, cat sitting or whatever.

[Colin Crawford]

Right. But it's not urgent enough that they were able to send in a voice note to a podcast. So.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, so you're right. Three weeks at least.

[Colin Crawford]

Right. Then what's the next step, though?

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm doing one reminder and I'm doing it email, text. I'm doing it in a way of like the fake reach out or whatever.

[Colin Crawford]

Right. This is kind of my method of unrelated things.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'll give you the chance before I have to, to like side you.

[Colin Crawford]

Maybe they've just forgotten about my existence entirely. So if I can get to that point, maybe they'll remember the thing they were doing.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Would you like to get a coffee?

[Colin Crawford]

Right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And then they're like, oh, hey, by the way, that thing that you asked,

[Colin Crawford]

I'm not going to do it.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, sorry. Am I supposed to be giving like unhinged advice or.

[Colin Crawford]

Really, you can give any advice you want. And I think that in this situation you have to be careful though. You don't want to say, do you want to get a coffee? Because what if you don't like them and you just want to use them?

[Bridger Weiniger]

Well, that is a huge problem. So if you're just using, like, why else have friends?

[Colin Crawford]

Yes, exactly. They should be there to be used. So if you were to say, do you want to get coffee? And they say yes, and they don't do the favor, now you're trapped. Getting a coffee with someone you just wanted to use.

[Bridger Weiniger]

That is true. But you never know what other ammunition you might glean from the conversation with this person.

[Colin Crawford]

That's true.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I also think this person does want to use them because they do seem more concerned about the favor than the friends.

[Colin Crawford]

Right.

[Bridger Weiniger]

The question wasn't, how do I, like, navigate this in a way that saves my friendship?

[Colin Crawford]

That doesn't matter.

[Bridger Weiniger]

How do I get the fake?

[Colin Crawford]

Right. This person is dispensable. I just need one last thing from them. Yeah. So there's just gotta be A way to remind them basically try to jog their memory a bit like sending a topless photo or driving by their house honking.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I like to leave a pumpkin with a knife in it outside of parents house.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, that's like the parents house ready. That's a soft way of doing it. It's not direct. I just think that if you ask for a favor, there's probably at least a two week span that the person, the buffer that they get to do it in.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Can I ask you, do you have any outstanding favors like this that I owe? Yeah.

[Colin Crawford]

Well, I made the mistake recently of telling two different people I would read their movie scripts. Not just even a 30 page script. Movie scripts. And I want to read both of them. Yeah.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's almost intention. And you sit down, you read int and you're just like, ugh, aha.

[Colin Crawford]

Usually I won't even download the file. I'll just open it in preview in my inbox and look at it and just be like oh no. And then I just.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And it's never that bad even. It's just the act of doing it.

[Colin Crawford]

Yes. I could spend the next four hours just kind of like wasting my life instead. So I choose that I have at least those two things.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Oh, like four scripts. You're making me realize I said I would read.

[Colin Crawford]

But outside of that, I don't think I'm pretty good at like, if it doesn't require something with my computer, the favor will probably get done pretty quickly.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Interesting.

[Colin Crawford]

But if it's something where like I can get distracted by some other thing online, it probably will never.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I also like a favor that's like an act of service.

[Colin Crawford]

Oh, it feels so much better than

[Bridger Weiniger]

like, can you help me get a job? Can you put me in contact with this person? Which is usually what the favors are.

[Colin Crawford]

I'll paint your fence or something.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Yeah, exactly.

[Colin Crawford]

I'll clean.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I get to be the protagonist.

[Colin Crawford]

Then it stops being about you, you annoying loser. So I think the solution here is

[Bridger Weiniger]

you failed hire a failed task rabbit.

[Colin Crawford]

Yes. You failed this favor. You've got to find another friend to burn through, basically. And actually that's not a bad idea because if that person does it, then you can let the other person know, oh, hey, this person did it. And this person feels like absolute shit.

[Bridger Weiniger]

And you get to talk shit with that person about the other person, which is their reward for doing the favor.

[Colin Crawford]

Everyone learns a lesson.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Soft power.

[Colin Crawford]

I love to teach lessons. So that's perfect. Well, we answered the question perfectly.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I hope that she stopped complaining.

[Colin Crawford]

She Never writes back in, never bothers me again. I now have my smelling salts that have altered my mood in a way that I did not.

[Bridger Weiniger]

Maybe even like a larger timeline alteration for you.

[Colin Crawford]

Yeah, this is the new me. This is the beginning of a real downhill slide for Bridger Weiner.

[Bridger Weiniger]

It's gonna show up in the divorce papers.

[Colin Crawford]

Colin, I've had such a wonderful time with you.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I've had a wonderful time with you.

[Colin Crawford]

Thank you for being here. And listener. I can't actually say, you should try smelling salts. That feels like the beginning of some sort of lawsuit that will devastate me and the network. So don't do smelling salts. Is there anything else I have to say? This is the end of the podcast and we just talked about sending in voice notes. Ellis told me that I should tell people at the end of the podcast to remind you to do things as well. Send voice notes, send emails, review the podcast, buy merch. Apparently people start paying attention at the

[Bridger Weiniger]

end of the podcast the most. Tune in.

[Colin Crawford]

That's what I've been told. It's overny.

[Bridger Weiniger]

We gotta stop.

[Colin Crawford]

Kony Cony 2012. You gotta get this guy.

[Bridger Weiniger]

I'm getting as many millennial references as

[Colin Crawford]

I can out for every podcast listened to. We give one to somebody else in another nation or something. The podcast is over. I love you. Goodbye. I said no Gifts is an exactly right production. Our senior producer is Ellis Nelson and our episodes are beautifully mixed by Ben Tolliday. The theme song is by miracle worker Amy Mann. And we couldn't do it without our booker, Patrick Cotner. You must follow the show on Instagram at I saidno gifts. That's where you're going to see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting. And don't you want to see the gifts?

[Bridger Weiniger]

When I invited you here, I thought I made myself perfectly clear.

[Colin Crawford]

When you're a guest in my home,

[Bridger Weiniger]

you gotta come to me empty handed. I said no gifts. Yes, your presence is presence enough. And I already had too much stuff. So how do you dare disobey me?

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[Bridger Weiniger]

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