Hannah Pilkes Disobeys Bridger

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Hannah Pilkes Disobeys Bridger" – I Said No Gifts! Episode Released January 9, 2025

Introduction In this engaging episode of I Said No Gifts!, hosted by Bridger Weingar of Exactly Right Media, Bridger welcomes comedian Hannah Pilkes as his guest. True to the podcast's premise, Bridger insists on a "no gifts" policy for his guests. However, Hannah playfully defies this rule, setting the stage for a humorous and heartfelt conversation.

Setting the Scene The episode opens with Bridger setting an atmospheric backdrop in his backyard, highlighting the quietude of a typical Saturday in Los Angeles. He humorously reflects on his emotional state, hinting at personal challenges while expressing his excitement for today's guest.

Notable Quote:

• Bridger [B] at [01:55]: "Welcome to I Said No Gifts! I'm Bridger Weiniger."

Casual Banter and Life in Los Angeles Bridger and Hannah dive into light-hearted discussions about the unusually warm weather in mid-December Los Angeles, comparing it to the typical fall scenery and joking about avoiding certain local pet attractions.

Notable Quotes:

• Bridger [B] at [03:12]: "It's such a nice day. We can't... We can't."
• Hannah [A] at [04:06]: "I once was outside of an Albertsons and got okay, Brad."

Navigating Pet Emergencies Bridger shares a personal anecdote about his dog, Nathaniel, who had a minor injury involving glass in his paw. The conversation humorously touches on the challenges of pet care and the lengths pet owners go to ensure their furry friends' well-being.

Notable Quotes:

• Hannah [A] at [06:21]: "And I just heard about your dog this morning."
• Bridger [B] at [06:25]: "My dog is... His name's Nathaniel. Very stoic."

Discussion on False Petitions and Public Encounters The duo discusses the irritation of being approached for dubious petitions, specifically referencing a humorous attempt to split California into two states. They explore the frustration of interacting with overly persistent individuals and the emotional toll it can take.

Notable Quotes:

• Hannah [A] at [04:31]: "It's one of the worst people you can run into."
• Bridger [B] at [05:26]: "They must have been holding a gun or something. I don't know how that happened."

Exploring Pop Culture and Media Trends Bridger and Hannah delve into various pop culture topics, including the portrayal of therapists in media, the authenticity of reality TV shows like "Is It Cake?", and the overuse of CGI in modern films. Their candid and witty commentary provides insightful critiques wrapped in humor.

Notable Quotes:

• Bridger [B] at [12:00]: "Poor man's secondhand picture post."
• Hannah [A] at [21:17]: "I'm super into fantasy smut, and..."

The Gift Unveiled: Vials of Magic, Fiscal, and Passion In a delightful twist, Hannah presents Bridger with a beautifully wrapped gift containing three vials. Each vial represents a unique "gift" – Magic, Fiscal, and Passion – symbolizing whimsical and heartfelt blessings.

Notable Quotes:

• Hannah [A] at [38:53]: "This is a re-gift. This is something that was very dear to me."
• Bridger [B] at [39:07]: "I don't think people are gifting enough magic."

Gift Master Game Segment The hosts transition into a playful game called "Gift Master," where they assign the presented gifts to celebrities Bridger admires. Bridger humorously allocates the miniature fridge to Cillian Murphy for his impeccable hydration habits and artistic needs, ensuring the gift aligns with Murphy's persona.

Notable Quotes:

• Bridger [B] at [76:20]: "I'm going to give the mini fridge to Killian because Lord knows Killian's hydrating."

Listener Q&A: Sibling Rivalry on Social Media Bridger and Hannah address a poignant listener question about dealing with competitive sibling dynamics on platforms like Instagram. They offer comedic yet empathetic advice on managing feelings of inadequacy and setting healthy boundaries, emphasizing the importance of self-worth over social comparisons.

Notable Quotes:

• Listener [Unattributed] at [82:16]: "I have a tendency to feel slighted and less important than my older and younger siblings."
• Bridger [B] at [83:00]: "Yes. And that tracks. Because when I was a kid..."

Closing Remarks and Final Bouts of Humor As the episode winds down, Bridger and Hannah continue their lighthearted banter, discussing themes like Halloween traditions, the challenges of DIY crafts, and the importance of embracing whimsy in everyday life. Their chemistry and mutual humor leave listeners entertained and uplifted.

Notable Quotes:

• Hannah [A] at [56:22]: "Doing my makeup and then I just have this trough of loose makeup."
• Bridger [B] at [66:44]: "It's like a fairy tale village... the most whimsical thing you've ever seen."

Conclusion This episode of I Said No Gifts! masterfully blends humor, personal anecdotes, and cultural commentary, all while maintaining the show's signature playful spirit. Bridger and Hannah's dynamic interaction invites listeners into a world where gifting rules are playfully bent, fostering genuine connections and laughter.

Key Highlights:

• Bridger's steadfast "no gifts" policy hilariously challenged by Hannah's thoughtful present.
• Insightful and comedic discussions on pet care, public nuisances, and media portrayals.
• The creative and symbolic presentation of the gift vials.
• Engaging interactive segments like "Gift Master" and listener Q&A.
• Consistent blend of humor and heartfelt moments, encapsulating the essence of Exactly Right Media's true crime comedy network.

Quotes to Remember:

• Bridger [B] at [01:55]: "Welcome to I Said No Gifts! I'm Bridger Weiniger."
• Hannah [A] at [38:53]: "This is a re-gift. This is something that was very dear to me."
• Bridger [B] at [76:20]: "I'm going to give the mini fridge to Killian because Lord knows Killian's hydrating."

Whether you're a regular listener or new to the show, this episode promises a blend of laughter, relatability, and the unique charm that I Said No Gifts! consistently delivers.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in.

[A]

The new family comedy Shifting Gears.

[B]

Dad, I'm broke and I need a.

[A]

Place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like. So a couple of days when his daughter moves back in.

[B]

The last time you walked out that.

[A]

Door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird. I was 18.

[B]

The double bird was how I ended all our conversations.

[A]

The wheels come off. Can we try to talk to each other like rational adults?

[B]

Have you watched the news lately? That's not a thing anymore.

[A]

New Wednesday, 8, 7 Central on ABC.

[B]

And stream on Hulu.

[A]

When I invited you here, I thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you gotta come to me empty handed. I said no guests. Your presence is presence enough. And I already had too much stuff, so how do you dare disobey me?

[B]

Welcome to I said no gifts. I'm Bridger Weiniger. We are in the backyard. It's eerily quiet, I think because it's a Saturday and the children aren't at school and the dump truck isn't driving by. By the time you're hearing this, it'll be, I think, January ish, which is historically kind of a bad time for me emotionally as the rains come to Los Angeles and threaten to flood my home. So God only knows where I'll be mentally once you're actually hearing this. But right now I'm on top of the world. I've never. I'm thriving. Never felt better outside of. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to use my buy one, get one free salad coupon. I have until I have two more weeks. I'll figure that out. Is there anything else I need? All of this was necessary. Everything I've said so far was necessary for me to say. And I don't know that there's anything, but I do have the mic and I can do whatever I want. I think that's it for my intro today day, I do have the mic and I'm kind of just dragging you through it. I don't know why. I think we should get into the podcast. I adore today's guest. I think she's so funny. It's Hannah Pilkis. Hannah, hello. Welcome to. I said no gifts.

[A]

Oh, look at this crisp day we're having.

[B]

It's so. It's unseasonably warm.

[A]

It really is. And you know, that's concerning.

[B]

It's concerning.

[A]

Selfishly, I'm enjoying it at this. On this.

[B]

On this ripe Saturday, it's fall kind of has come to Los Angeles despite it being mid December.

[A]

Yeah. If you drive about an hour north, there's like a two mile radius of red leaves. The pumpkin patch. Oh, I need to see this little Trumpy there. So maybe avoid it. But he leaves.

[B]

If you get five minutes outside of Los Angeles, it gets Trumpy.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

People don't realize that about California. There's a lot of wasteland.

[A]

It's a big state.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So some might say a country within a country.

[B]

Yes, absolutely.

[A]

I'm gonna think about.

[B]

Just sit quietly and consider that for a few minutes.

[A]

Ruminate on that for 10 to 20 min minutes. No, let's. It's such a nice day. We can't. We can't.

[B]

I once was outside of an Albertsons and got okay, Brad. On occasion I'm outside in Albertsons wandering the parking lot. That's kind of the lifestyle I lead. But someone approached me with a clipboard and I usually say no to these people. Sure. And somehow they convinced me to sign it. And then I learned that they were trying to. It was a petition to break California into two states.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

It's one of the worst people you can run into.

[A]

I didn't know that there were people outside with clipboards doing bad things. I thought it was exclusively like Habitat for Humanity or. And you know what I do. That's wicked. What I recently saw. Plug. Let me hold your nail. Let's hold space for that. Is that I fake that I'm going through a breakup as I pass them by.

[B]

I love this.

[A]

So I'm. I know it's so. And they're not going to approach if you're mid cry. Because it's not that I don't want to donate, but I will do that on my own time if being accosted on Colorado Avenue.

[B]

Do you know what the worst for me is? When I just. I try to be polite. I just say, no, thank you. And then they get mad at me, and they act like I. It's just like, don't make me get into an altercation with you. We all know that what you're doing is God bless you, but what you're doing is annoying. You know what? That you're being annoying, and I'm just being polite to trying to get away from you.

[A]

And, you know, like, historically, anger or guilting someone, like, a lot of us have escaped our oppressed past to not be confronted with that. So I think it just hits a core. Something.

[B]

Oh, it feels very bad, but you.

[A]

Succumbed for the bad cause.

[B]

Look, they must have been holding a gun or something. I don't know how that happened.

[A]

I've heard that that's their new tactic.

[B]

It's just gunpoint right to your head.

[A]

All right. Oh, man.

[B]

Yeah. And I don't know how I discovered that. The whole thing. How that unfolded. I must have been right.

[A]

Did you get an email saying, thank you so much? We're currently underway sawing California in half, and it's all thanks to your 25 donation.

[B]

You pushed us over the limit.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. It's a telethon, and you were the final. Oh, man.

[B]

Yeah. That was so. I'll never do it again.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

They kind of ruined me for signing things.

[A]

I feel you there.

[B]

Yeah. I'm sorry to hear about your dog this morning.

[A]

Oh, yeah, my dog is. He's. He's. His name's Nathaniel. Very stoic.

[B]

Such a classic name.

[A]

I know. It's. I was gonna. I guess crisp is the word today. He's just a very serious dog, considering that he has two, I would say funny parents, but he's never smiled. He's never. He looks for loose trash on the. On the ground, and. And he. And he confronted some glass and the.

[B]

Rest and ended up in his paw.

[A]

His paw.

[B]

Oh, that's terrible.

[A]

I know. So we tweezed it out, and. And it's so hard with dogs. My friend took her dog to the vet yesterday, and I'm like, just. I'm throwing money at it. I'm like, save him. Save him. Whatever it takes. It's kind of like getting your car fixed. I don't mean to reduce dogs to. But it's like a language you're not familiar with.

[B]

And they're like. Can get you to do anything.

[A]

Right? They're like, we need to fix the Sneasel Hopper. And you're like, here's two grand.

[B]

Kill them.

[A]

Right. I don't want. Here. Yeah. I don't want my Sneasel Hopper broken. So. But. But it was like, can we handle this and not take him to the vet where they're like, while he's here, let's do an mri. You know.

[B]

Of course. Of course. What kind of dog is he?

[A]

He's like a little bit of Jack Russell, a little bit of Chihuahua, little bit of gnome. He kind of looks like a house elf.

[B]

Oh, this is a great combination.

[A]

You know, I love the ears of their own personality. Sometimes they're up and he could take flight. And sometimes they're down and he's sulking.

[B]

And it's really cute. A dog name with dignity. I think that some people, when we're giving them a funny name.

[A]

Everyone's lost their dignity when it comes to naming dogs. What did I. My friend is fostering two dogs named Voodoo and Abracadabra. And you know, some foul play was happening there. I don't trust whoever named their dogs. What are you. Abracadabra. You're yelling that at the dog park.

[B]

Voodoo almost works.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

It's just succinct you're not saying Abracadabra every time. I guess maybe you've turned it to Abby.

[A]

Okay, that's cute.

[B]

But then just name it Abby.

[A]

Then just name it and because so Nathaniel. Nate.

[B]

Nate. That's a great name for when he's in trouble.

[A]

Nathaniel. Bad boys. Nate. Nate. When he's been good boy.

[B]

I love that. I like that. How did he handle the glass being pulled from his paw?

[A]

He's so interesting because his nails have gotten. Have you seen the witches? His nails are so long and coiled because try as we might, we can't cut them. We prick him to modern. Bet they can't cut them.

[B]

Right.

[A]

He turns into. I mean. And that's where he's a little house elf. I imagine if a house elf.

[B]

Imagination.

[A]

You're going to learn something about me and that is that I'm human. Cottagecore. But he will. He'll defend his nails till the end of time and you'll see the teeth come out.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

But with the nail, with the glass. He was actually quite mild mannered.

[B]

That's amazing. I guess he knew it was an emergency.

[A]

Yeah. He wanted it out.

[B]

Yes. Get this out of me now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you call that when you have something in your hand a splinter or a sliver?

[A]

I have never heard sliver.

[B]

This is crazy to me.

[A]

That's like remote my. I call it a swapper.

[B]

What's a swamper?

[A]

A remote. It's my dad. My dad's Dutch and he's like, pass a swamper.

[B]

A remote.

[A]

Like, what is that?

[B]

Control.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

A swamper could not be further from what that is. A clicker.

[A]

It's a lander. At least it's certainly not in a swamp.

[B]

A swamper. There's nothing wet or mushy about it, right?

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

It's a very hard, heavy.

[A]

There's no weird viscosity to it.

[B]

Swamper.

[A]

Swamper. Okay, but Sliver. More on that.

[B]

Wow. So this is interesting. Yeah. I've always called hold for a dog.

[A]

That's really disrespecting us.

[B]

Your dog you've just left in the car. This is kind of your thing, actually.

[A]

There's more glass.

[B]

Get me away from the stock owner.

[A]

I want to go to get my mri. After all, if you even cared a little, you would have spent four grand on me.

[B]

Yes. Sliver. I grew up in Utah, and my family always called them slivers.

[A]

Sliver.

[B]

And then I've. Yet, you know, like, I. I've had them in my hands since being a relationship with my boyfriend, and he makes fun of me every time I say sliver. He's a splinter.

[A]

You say, like, did you. I have a sliver.

[B]

I have a sliver.

[A]

But that would make me think cake. I have a sliver of something.

[B]

But when I think of when I say a sliver of cake, I imagine. Well, it's a tiny thing. Like, it gets in your hand. I'd love to get a little piece of cake in my hand.

[A]

You know what? You raise a really good point.

[B]

I've kind of solved this issue.

[A]

Splinter, actually. What's the phonetic? Yeah. What's going on there? Splint. Splint, I think.

[B]

Right. We're thinking. It helps.

[A]

I think, teeny, you're carrying a bindle, and your hand. Your arms in one of those cloth.

[B]

Or it's like on your. There's a big piece of wood holding your legs together.

[A]

I love that we've gone so far back in time. No modern innovation on the back of a wagon. Yeah, exactly. In a Conestoga wagon. Splinter. Okay, you know what? It should just be sliver now.

[B]

It should be sliver. Annelise, have you ever heard sliver? Never in my life, my family. So this is where I started to know that there were some dark things happening in my family.

[A]

Because Sliver does sound like the name of a horror film.

[B]

It does. Sliver.

[A]

You've got, like, this substance. And the sequel is Sliver.

[B]

Sliver. About someone having a piece of wood in there a little bit, but it.

[A]

Keeps expanding the thing about splinter.

[B]

This is body horror.

[A]

The thing about slivers is there actually are. There's nothing more horrific than like a splinter or a sliver that just won't give. It won't go away. Yeah.

[B]

Cuz you're like, oh, no, where do we go from here?

[A]

Where do we go? It's kind of like a popcorn kernel that's just hanging on for dear life. And then you yell loud enough one day and like, it finally releases its.

[B]

Clutches out of your mouth.

[A]

Yeah, it's. But it is. Those are just such painful things.

[B]

Yes. I just have to say that Sliver.

[A]

Is actually an erotic thriller from 1993 starring Sharon Stone, Billy Baldwin and Tom Berenger. So, you know, it's erotic if Sharon Stone's in it and if she's oozing sex and if she's got a sliver and then listen, that's also an innuendo. And I didn't want to bring it up because you'd said my family. But the first thing I thought was, well, okay, just we should censor this part of the pod. That's neither here nor there.

[B]

That's the first thing we censor on.

[A]

This podcast is the word Sliver everyone calls in. I was so on board until the Sliver part.

[B]

I am disgusted.

[A]

I listen to this with my family and my stoic dog.

[B]

Wow. I wonder, could you give us a synopsis of what happens in Sliver? Very curious. What does Sharon get up to in Sliver? I'm going to read the first paragraph of the plot. Okay, great. Carly Norris, a beautiful book editor and divorce in her mid-30s, moves into the.

[A]

Exclusive New York City Sliver building.

[B]

What?

[A]

She meets other tenants, including Zeke, a.

[B]

Video game designer, Jack, a novelist Vita, a fashion model who moonlights as a call girl, and Gus, a professor of videography at New York University.

[A]

They tell Carly that she bears a striking resemblance to.

[B]

To Naomi Singer, the previous tenant of her apartment who fell to her death from her balcony. Oh, there's so many opportunities for erotic foul play.

[A]

Oh, 100 did we think sliver was gonna be. I thought it was gonna come into play in a different way than the name of the apartments. If I saw they're called the Sliver Apartments. I'm look as that's not true New York real estate. I'll move into the, like the gutter apartment.

[B]

Absolute gutter. Because they've got their rent control.

[A]

Yeah. The slipper condos.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That is the last thing I would have guessed as far as Slivers. Go. But maybe slivers also come into play elsewhere in the movie.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Maybe there's a real sliver ness to her apartment.

[A]

Sliver Ness, if you will. What year was that? It kind of sounds like Ghost. It's. It feels like a lot of movies in that time were very super nat. Sexy.

[B]

Supernatural, of course. And we're kind of coming back to these sort of things. It's been a very, like, in the last year, very sexy movie time.

[A]

God. Is it. And it's very sexy. Old. I say older woman in. In. What are these called?

[B]

You. You've said publicly that anyone over 20 is an old. Older woman.

[A]

100. Even though I'm 37. And censor that out, because we actually don't need that in this pod. I'm. I'm using a lot of retinol, so I'm. Whatever I say.

[B]

High school.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

High school guest.

[A]

Go, Swampers.

[B]

We should have a high school guest at some point. What would that be?

[A]

I've been watching Is it cake? And one of the contestants is 18. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. You can't help but be just so. 18.

[B]

You're a child.

[A]

They brought up a Walkman. And he's like, I don't know what that is.

[B]

I don't like that attitude.

[A]

Feel so shamed for your sheer existence. You're like, I guess I am old as. Where? What were we talking about?

[B]

We were talking about sexy movies. We were sexy movies. And then.

[A]

Oh. Oh, that. They're back. I think, like, you know, the Nicole Kidman dating the much younger. There's two movies in a row that are.

[B]

That.

[A]

Oh, wait, she's the Zac Efron one.

[B]

Oh, that's right where they.

[A]

This is my hard. This is what I have a hard time with in that movie. They only give little kisses, and they're supposed to be having sex, and they're doing this now. I don't know about you, but when I'm making whoopi, my mouth's opening. Just. This is a. Hi, grandma.

[B]

We're not doing pecs.

[A]

No, we're not. Pecs for. Pecs for sex. Not on my watch.

[B]

Pecs do not happen during sex.

[A]

No, but then this next movie seems hot. It's like the 824.

[B]

Oh, yeah. And they've got the Sky Ferreira song. I mean, the whole thing is very dark and alert.

[A]

Purple under, like, purple tones. It's kind of euphoria coded. Yeah.

[B]

The boss girl is going after the intern. I think it's gonna be very sexy.

[A]

It Looks really good. And we're not gonna be seeing any pecks in that.

[B]

No, not a peck to be seen.

[A]

We're gonna. In fact, we're gonna go. Close your mouth a little. They're gonna be eating each other. Exactly. And then it is the substance. Then they actually.

[B]

She swallows him, and then he bursts out of her. Yeah.

[A]

They go for it a little too hard and eat the other. Oh, man.

[B]

What other movies were out this year that were sexy? There was the tennis film Challengers. Challengers. Queer was also queer. Yet it's very slow, but in a good way.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But very sexy. Very.

[A]

Honestly, I'm fine with slow if it's sexy.

[B]

Oh, yeah. It's arguably.

[A]

We all need to slow down. Things are sexier if we slow down.

[B]

Start with a pack.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right from a peck.

[A]

And let's. Okay. And let's write some erotica right now. Start with a peck. And just keep it nice and slow.

[B]

He thought it was just going to be a peck from Grandma.

[A]

I got a CBS erotica novel for fun once, and what made me laugh so hard about it is, first of all, they're always virgins. It's always, like, the woman and she's a virgin@, like, 28. And to me, that's just so tragic.

[B]

They should name one of those books. Huge dork.

[A]

Yeah. 100. And the funniest thing is, anytime that they'd have sex, she'd be like. Or the. The author would say, you know, he entered her with his throbbing member and she sobbed. Like, why is she always sobbing? To me, that's the antisexual bad day. Sobbed as he pushed her against the wall. I'm like, but she's enjoying it. I can't remember the last time I. And, you know, I've had people say, like, I cried at the end of. It was, like, so powerful, but sobbed.

[B]

That's like saying she weeped or bald.

[A]

Right. Let's stop if she's sobbing. Let's take a beat.

[B]

Let's find out what's happening emotionally.

[A]

Let's Netflix and chill.

[B]

Is everyone.

[A]

Yeah, let's unpack some things, and then let's come back. Anyway, I highly recommend it. Great book.

[B]

Have you read any more books in that category?

[A]

You know, I haven't, but I am trying to get into, like, fantasy smut.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Because there's that. That very popular series.

[A]

Yeah. I'm trying to remember the name, but so many friends have said it's. It's all the things you want. Escapism in a time like this.

[B]

Oh, come on. I'm.

[A]

I'm in California. If you heard California is going to be two states because of one donor. And you got sexy, so you got escapism in like other worlds and you got right hot.

[B]

Yes. Former guest of the show, Blair Psaki. I was following her Instagram stories recently and she really went on a journey with these books.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Had the time of her life. I was like, maybe it's time for me. Yeah. Fairies are doing things and having the time of their life.

[A]

And they're in the forest and they're.

[B]

Just rolling around, probably taking a bath among trees in that beautiful creek.

[A]

They're having. Taking a bath in a lily paddle. I love that. Yeah.

[B]

That's frogs everywhere.

[A]

Well, because when I wanted to, like, get excited, what I would look up is people genuinely having a connection with beautiful production design. That is something I've googled. Cause I'm like, give me Spartacus. And they've. And they've built a relationship. I need an arc and I need like a gorgeous cascading fountain or like a drape. It really gets me going.

[B]

Give me a nice background.

[A]

Give me like a beautiful corset. Give me gorgeous colors. Costume that's going to get nominated for something.

[B]

I don't want to look at a dirty twin mattress.

[A]

No. I'm the opposite of that. I really want it to feel airbrushed and I. And the connection's important. I need to feel like they've. I guess I'm demisexual in that way even when I'm watching things. Yeah.

[B]

We want those Harlequin Romance.

[A]

The COVID so famous smut sounds like.

[B]

Kind of audible sounds. Exactly what we were all missing from Harry Potter.

[A]

Don't get me started on that.

[B]

Truly speaking of you, the show's coming.

[A]

Out and they were like, they auditioned 36, 000 kids. I'm like, really? You couldn't find three out of a hundred? I just don't buy it. And you know they didn't watch those tapes.

[B]

No, they're not watching those self tapes.

[A]

No. 36, 000 people submitted is what they should say.

[B]

What are we talking about?

[A]

So many people.

[B]

Leave it alone. We've got new fantasy.

[A]

So that always drives me nuts is the. There's. There's so much fantasy smut that they could turn into shows and there's so much amazing original anything out there. I have a hard time with the blank check remakes of things because it's. I'm not. I'm not chomping at the bit to watch something I've already seen.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Especially if it was made within the last 20 years.

[A]

You see Gladiator 2.

[B]

Not watching that, it drove me nuts.

[A]

It's Gladiator 1, but kind of worse.

[B]

One of the. An early sign of my homosexuality was that I fell asleep during Gladiator and More Power. I woke up from that movie and said, there's something different about me.

[A]

I. And, you know, I fully support that. The only reason I didn't fall asleep is because I was in Rome this summer for my honeymoon. We went to the Coliseum. And I go, you know, it'd be fun to watch the fictional version.

[B]

See this in CG.

[A]

But I watched it in four, you know, increments. I'd watch it for 30 minutes, have a Negroni, watch another 30. I mean, for all intents and purposes, that's a nap.

[B]

Yeah, it is.

[A]

Like, let's go, you know, eat some pasta, come back. But glad. And also, I'm just. The CGI of it all is driving me so nuts these days. It's so jarring. And I don't need to see sharks in the Coliseum.

[B]

Phony baloney.

[A]

Phony. Well, actually, that's real. The sharks are real in the Coliseum. Somehow they would fill it with water and have, like, boat duels and they would.

[B]

Perfectly, Fair.

[A]

Perfectly fair. Do I need the computerized shark?

[B]

If you're going to, you have to build the Coliseum and fill it. Build a mini one and fill it with water.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. People need to start spending more millions of dollars to actually build a Coliseum. I don't want a single special effect. I don't want AI extras that are.

[B]

Like, we all know what's happening. Yeah, I know. They've got a lake or something in the back of one of these lots, you know, that they drive through tourists.

[A]

Throw up a couple beams and call it. I just. I'm such a practical effects lover.

[B]

We all are.

[A]

Yeah. Call me crazy, but. But I'm very, like, late 90s synthy fantasy where, you know, you had a PA and you had to suspend belief to a degree completely. Give me. Give me a chance to imagine.

[B]

Yes. Let my brain work for a minute.

[A]

Start with a peck. And just let us. You know, that's sort of like fantasy foreplay. Let me. It's really just giving it all up.

[B]

Yes. All we need from CG is a peck.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

And then the rest of it should.

[A]

Be whisper of cgi.

[B]

The rest of it is leave it up to us.

[A]

Real sharks put everyone at risk. One CGI shark.

[B]

No, I think that. Yeah. Even in the trailers of Gladiator 2, I just thought, well, that's not impressive to me. That's literally just a video game with.

[A]

A lot of hot people. Which, look, that's what enticed me.

[B]

Right. Of course that draws you in and.

[A]

You would think, based off of my Google searches, but there were no genuine connections.

[B]

Okay. Not a single genuine connection.

[A]

No genuine connections. And the only woman in the film, she's from the first Gladiator. And all she really does is like put her hood up and walk into like a dark candlelit something. And she's like. And then she takes her hood down. I was like, all she's done in this movie is put her hood up and down and sort of like saunter. It's driving me. And that's not character development, but it is choreography. It's really good choreography.

[B]

It's beautiful choreography.

[A]

Really. If it was a music video, we'd all be thrilled. Yeah. And it was dramatic. The like slow. But she's pretty much non verbal other than.

[B]

And I feel like the accent work is all over the place in these Gladiator movies. Right.

[A]

You know, I think what they. I think Denzel joined and I think the director was like, hey, Denzel, what's up? Do you. Would you be down to do an accent? And he was like, no. And he's like, all right, no worries, my guy. And then he's just in Training day. It's.

[B]

And then there's like Scottish accent. Like no one offensive Italian accent.

[A]

Everyone just chose their own. Yeah. They all chat accent and they. It's hard. It's so jarring. They're all in a different universe.

[B]

I can't do that. No, just do. Imagine you're working at a pizza parlor or a Buca di Beppo.

[A]

That's what it was missing. Everyone needed to sound like they were at a Buca di Beppo.

[B]

A hostess at Buca di Befo.

[A]

How many? It's gonna be a long wait. Really? Because I feel like three quarters of the restaurant's empty. No, it's still gonna be a wait.

[B]

Imagine you're a 35 year old woman working in Riverside.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Do that exit and you're told to somehow keep Buca di Beppo cool so you don't ever seat anyone.

[B]

I think all of the Bucas are shutting down.

[A]

Are they?

[B]

I think a lot of them are going out of business.

[A]

I wonder what they're gonna put in place of that in Pasadena. Maybe an Ulta.

[B]

Oh, probably an Ulta. It's always become an Ulta. Ulta is kind of the new Halloween superstore.

[A]

It is. And it's. I know there's, like, makeup carried there that the Sephora doesn't have, but there's something about. I like walking into a Sephora and spending rent. I like that.

[B]

Is Ulta. The one that has almost all Ulta products.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. And then Sephora does it all, and.

[A]

It kind of feels more like a CVS in that way. Sephora's got. You know, this model decided to start a skincare line and. And you. To your chagrin.

[B]

It's good this celebrity had nothing better to do. Yeah.

[A]

And was like, I made this. And it's like, did you. Or did you do, like, three photo shoots holding it? But really good serums.

[B]

I've never used a serum.

[A]

What do you think about these masks? The LED ones?

[B]

See, Elliot, that is a.

[A]

Because you do have, like, newborn baby skin. So I'm like, what's going on there?

[B]

Those are a scam. Yeah. I hate to break it to everyone.

[A]

Those are a scam.

[B]

And. Yeah. Let's both look directly at the camera. Those that may or may not be used. The red light footage thing is not. I mean, maybe it's doing something for you emotionally and that's.

[A]

And you know what? Sometimes the placebo is enough to maybe help you. What's it called? Cortisol. Or maybe you're developing or less is pumping through you. So therefore, you are retaining your youth.

[B]

Bare minimum. It's forced rest.

[A]

Sure. I think a lot of this stuff's psychosomatic. I think it's like. Yes, it's exactly. It's an hour where you just have to be.

[B]

Yeah. You have to just take it easy and feel. Have you used one before?

[A]

Before, I haven't, but I actually. To counter that, I'm seeing people wearing it, like, on the elliptical, and I'm like. I feel like this is defeating the purpose.

[B]

That's like Terminator level. That I'm.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's frightening.

[A]

Right? It's frightening. I've never used it. Because it's 450 at Sephora.

[B]

Oh, no, no, I can't.

[A]

I'm gonna spend 450 total getting, like, 16 things.

[B]

Of course. Yeah. Yes. Just layering. Layering, layering.

[A]

I can't. It kind of feels like the vape where you don't really know what it's doing. And for all we know, it's making you worse.

[B]

It really could Be. Be.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like it. It to me is feeling a little bit like one of Those in the 60s, one of those machines that would shake you for exercise or like a waterbed or a water bed. It's like these things that we all. We. We'll all look back on and be like, of course it was a frog.

[A]

It'll be like in a cranium game where they're like. In 2025, this fad hit the market. We later learned was zapping everyone with radiation.

[B]

Like that is responsible for countless deaths.

[A]

Like, have you guys seen Final Destination with the tanning bed?

[B]

It's that what happens in the tanning bed.

[A]

I think they tan to death.

[B]

They get trapped in there.

[A]

I think that they roast like a tan under a magnifying glass.

[B]

You would have to be in there for days.

[A]

And I think that's the final destination of it all is it's way. It's hot, hot, hot.

[B]

I think you would die of dehydration before the lights got to you.

[A]

Right. Well. And let's call them. Let's write in to our senator. And that. Because that's what they. We need to write to our senators about that.

[B]

That's the most pressing.

[A]

That's the most pressing thing in this political climate.

[B]

I haven't heard Cranium in a long time.

[A]

I love a good game.

[B]

I haven't played Cranium. What a delightful game that is.

[A]

You gotta keep the clay moist and that's hard to do.

[B]

That's ruined a lot of cranium games.

[A]

Board games have too many small parts to keep track of.

[B]

You shouldn't have to have one that you keep wet.

[A]

That's true. That's true. But you could always replace it with a Play doh.

[B]

Right? But then you've gotta before you getting the Play doh. Or you're making the salt dough at home.

[A]

Right. And sometimes they're very cryptic. It's like, right. Sculpt the Pentagon. You're like, okay, I have 30 seconds. But I loved Cranium because I'm not. You know. I feel like it catered to each type of thinker. Like, I'm not misfactoid, but I am act out or pop culture.

[B]

Such a good game.

[A]

It's a really good game.

[B]

I want to buy that. You should Cranium reach out Cranium. I wonder if they must still make it.

[A]

They do. I just saw it at Romans. Oh yeah.

[B]

I love that way more than your quip lashes. Your.

[A]

What I like about it is it's Variety. I love a variety live show and I love a variety game because anything gets boring after a while. Even Pictionary starts off hot. Oh. That's how you know you did stick figure and then it's over 90 minutes.

[B]

Oh, and we've all discovered we're bad artists.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who cares?

[A]

I'm such a bad artist and I get really activated if it's. If I. If I letting my team down.

[B]

Oh, yeah, of course. You start to feel guilty. You feel less than. Yeah, it's a bad dictionary.

[A]

Feels like it caters to many different.

[B]

Yeah, you can fail three times and win once. And like, okay, I'm still a person.

[A]

It's also an appropriate, reasonably sized board.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, it's like a 70 minute game.

[B]

I feel like, wow, I'm gonna get online after. Well, actually, I'm gonna wait for this episode to release and see if Cranium sends me a box.

[A]

That sounds like a good idea. Do you play like DND or those?

[B]

I want to play it so bad, but it's intimidating. Do you play?

[A]

I ha. It's one of those things. I'm like, if I love fantasy smut and I'm like such a Jim Henson head and I feel like I love it in theory, but the patience required.

[B]

Yo so much patience is overwhelming. And I guess it's a welcoming community.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

But I'm. I'm like, I might be the first person where they're like, we've welcomed too many people.

[A]

I feel that there's a game store right by my sister's apartment and I'm one of those creepy people looking in, like breathing into the glass, watching these. These collection of folks have so much fun together playing it. And there's a real joyousness. But again, how do you, like, permeate? How do you walk in as a brand new person and ask them to explain you the rules?

[B]

And you really are seeing each other naked.

[A]

I think it's very exposing. What we need to do is probably build like a virgin D and D. Right.

[B]

Where everyone's pretty new and there's one person who's just like slightly better. That's the dungeon. That's what it is. And then the rest of us can feel embarrassed together.

[A]

Yes. Because otherwise I think it would be their patience would dwindle. As would yours.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. Because they're four or five. It's like a cricket game. It's like five hours of cosplay.

[B]

That's the other thing. Risk and Dungeons and Dragons. I'm like, I just simply don't have the time.

[A]

Risk is a long game.

[B]

Oh, it'll go for days.

[A]

God, no. And Monopoly is pretty long.

[B]

No one's ever finished Monopoly.

[A]

Has anyone ever finished Monopoly?

[B]

Do you know what I just learned? The budget for the Monopoly Go on The phone was $500 million just for the marketing.

[A]

What's the Monopoly Go for the phone.

[B]

I'm shocked you haven't heard of this. They're everywhere. Who is buying it? No one wants to play Monopoly. The real thing.

[A]

You know where they nailed it though? The McDonald's back in the day.

[B]

Oh, of course.

[A]

I loved that and was convinced if I bought enough Big Macs I would fill the board up.

[B]

We all were. We were all hoping to win a dodge fight.

[A]

The Dodge Viper of it all. That was brilliant. Today I did pull up in a very loud Dodge Viper. I. I got a muffler installed so that I'm always really loud when I pull up. Roaring Hannah's barking. I did not know Monopoly Go was a game. And so what are you to play alone? Are you to play by yourself?

[B]

I think probably. It seems like a real bottoming out for somebody. Like, I really feel, for whatever reason, I'm really against this particular app.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

It's just like that $500 million could have funded a lot of our television shows.

[A]

I agree. Have you another thing that feels like bottoming out? There's like a video game that's showing up on Netflix where you can be in a Hallmark movie. You can play. You know, the girl that moved from the big city to the small town to have help, you know, her widowed parent.

[B]

And I'm sorry, I'm Hallmark has become self aware.

[A]

The Hallmark movies, they know that they're bad now. And so and I. And they're tipped into the bit and we can see it.

[B]

Yeah. I wanted. When they were fully embarrassing themselves, of course.

[A]

But now I'm like, I can smell that you're trying to be cringe.

[B]

We're in ugly sweater territory where it's like, again, it's not a thing anymore because the losers got a hold of it.

[A]

And so I'm. I'm just watching old ones.

[B]

Yes. When they were so pure.

[A]

So pure.

[B]

That can't happen again. Another network has to rise up with not enough money to know that it's doing wrong.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then. Yeah. But the Monopoly thing again, back to that just a bit. Did you watch the documentary on that? I bailed pretty quickly.

[A]

Was it a Monopoly dog?

[B]

It was a whole scam about the McDonald's. The McDonald's thing was ultimately being cheated by the people. People on the inside. It should have been a more interesting documentary, but shock of the century, people.

[A]

On the inside are.

[B]

Are taking the Vipers.

[A]

Didn't they just say with the United Health Care thing, it's like, oh, boy. Yeah, we shouldn't go down that road.

[B]

What is that on your left arm there?

[A]

So this is a Labyrinth quote, But I was shooting something, and they have to cover my tattoo for it. So now it's just the weird residue. But it says the babe with the power.

[B]

Oh, yeah, of course. From Labyrinth.

[A]

I love David Bowie. Was a big sexual awakening for me, as was Jennifer Connelly, as were the Goblins.

[B]

What a combo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It got covered up, and now is.

[A]

That's. It's so amazing what they can do with airbrush. It starts off with this darker color, and then they layer it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's like this. Like, when my friend does drag and watching him do the makeup.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And the science of it all. And that you start off with a very dark line, and then. And that blends. It's a lot of color. Something. What's the. In art? Color theory.

[B]

Color theory. Color theory.

[A]

It's so extraordinary. And that you can truly, like, change the shape of your nose, right?

[B]

Oh, it's amazing.

[A]

Like, this, like, gorgeous Cleopatra eye. Yeah. I'm so impressed with. I've never had the gift of making.

[B]

Oh, it's so intimidating.

[A]

So intimidating.

[B]

I would be a disaster.

[A]

And I've done, like, the YouTube tutorials or even at Sephora. I'm like, slow it down so I can watch. And then still I just have this trough of loose makeup. The number. I buy a blush, and within four days, it's all over everything. It's exploded. And I think there's two types of people. I think there's the people with the really gorgeous makeup bag.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Not a stain in sight. And then I think there's me who once maced herself because her mace got loose in her makeup bag. Got on my blush, and I'm driving, and of. And you're driving, doing your makeup. And I like Home Alone style screaming. And I'd maced myself. So there's two types of people.

[B]

People.

[A]

There's the people with the nice makeup bag and the people who mace themselves because their purse is an explosion.

[B]

I love a nice makeup bag where you hear the clicking of all of the different makeups against each other.

[A]

It's kind of asmr.

[B]

It really is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Clicking and clacking. That's, I think it's very nice.

[A]

I don't really care to do my makeup, but I love the like, looking at makeup.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

All of it together. The possibilities.

[B]

Beautiful. Absolutely.

[A]

And getting your makeup done or getting anyone like cutting your hair doing a thing that you absolutely can't do. And the feeling, the power.

[B]

We all could teach ourselves to cut our hair at home.

[A]

We could, but do we want to? I get a little massage. I lean back and they. Is the temperature good? I love that feeling.

[B]

Well, do you know what a feeling I don't love?

[A]

What? Tell me. I'd love to know.

[B]

Well, you're gonna hear, Hannah. The podcast is called I said no gifts and yet. Oh, I was so excited to have you and I heard your car roar into my neighborhood. I had to plug my ears. But I was excited to have you here and you know, I thought we would just have a nice Saturday chat.

[A]

Sure, sure.

[B]

So. And I know you've gotten emails. I know Annalise has been calling you non stop to let you know very.

[A]

To not bring a gift.

[B]

Right, right, right.

[A]

Explicitly spelled out.

[B]

And so I was absolutely blown away when you came into my backyard holding what is obviously clearly a gift.

[A]

Well, for all you know, that's my tote bag. You know, that's. That's where I keep my inhaler and all my makeup. For all you know, that's where my mace is.

[B]

Your tote bag is a box with elves all over it.

[A]

And a card deliver addressed to you.

[B]

Well, I. I guess I should ask then. Is this a gift for me?

[A]

It is.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Well, it's a gift for you.

[B]

Should I open it here on the podcast?

[A]

Yeah, I think you ought to.

[B]

It's as I said.

[A]

Careful, there's something living in there.

[B]

There's a snake. That's what that scene from Kill Bill.

[A]

The way that I wrapped this and stuffed it in there. I just want to warn you, it's shocking. It's shocking. It's sort of a Mary Poppins. How's there an umbrella in their situation?

[B]

Wonderful. Okay, so there's a little, little card. I'm going to open this up. Up. Let's see here.

[A]

A lot of tissue paper.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

I think a box not filled with tissue paper is such a waste.

[B]

Oh, it's a horrible idea.

[A]

A hollow if there's just a loose.

[B]

Gift in there, just sliding around. No, thank you.

[A]

You don't care about me.

[B]

You don't care about yourself.

[A]

One scared about me.

[B]

You have low self esteem and you're trying to have make me have Low self esteem.

[A]

Why don't you take a look in the mirror, buddy?

[B]

You lose. Sir. Yeah. There's a lot of tissue here. So let's start. Start.

[A]

And you're probably gonna need an explanation.

[B]

Okay. Now. Okay. So we're getting some to some tissue. We're pulling a lot. This is stuffed in here.

[A]

And I would say there's maybe a couple gifts.

[B]

Okay. So I've got to be very careful. Very simple ribbon. What should I do here? And now I'm seeing a lot of cotton. Oh my God.

[A]

It'll all make sense very soon, my friend.

[B]

This is incredible.

[A]

And just there are some things in the middle. It's a two parter.

[B]

Oh, dazzling. Okay. Okay. So now I found three little vials. Is this everything?

[A]

That's everything. Okay.

[B]

I just want to make sure because there's a lot of cotton here. Almost looks like there's a surplus. Bloody. It looks like a bloody bandage. This was around your dog's paw.

[A]

I want to start by saying this is a re. Gift. This is something that was very dear to me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That I'm now back.

[B]

I'm so thrilled about this.

[A]

And of course I'm gonna need to explain to you what it is.

[B]

Okay. So there are three little vials. I mean they are almost from an erotic fantasy. Cause they're full of beautiful, colorful glitter.

[A]

Now you know what? I don't think people are gifting enough of.

[B]

What?

[A]

I don't think people are gifting enough magic. I think. And I blessed all of those.

[B]

You blessed each one of them with different things.

[A]

You're the gift of spontaneity.

[B]

Okay, so which is which? I'm holding the pink right now.

[A]

That's the gift. Just magic.

[B]

Oh, this is pure magic.

[A]

Everyday magic.

[B]

Okay, so I should swallow.

[A]

Sprinkle that over yourself. Or something that you feel could use.

[B]

A little magic Or a piece of toast.

[A]

Piece of toast. You know, you. You're. You're sitting at your computer. Interior and you're deleting. Exterior and you're deleting. I need inspiration. I need a little magic. Sprinkle that over your 2018 MacBook.

[B]

Left.

[A]

Just me. Just me. With a MacBook that's overheating after 15 minutes. With a cord that sparked the other day. That could use a little magic. Or maybe some money.

[B]

I finally had to get rid of my. I tried to stretch out a laptop about seven to eight years.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

My MacBook was, I think three or four years old. But I got. I was told I got the wrong model.

[A]

This thing that's what it is, it's not.

[B]

It's a decade old waffle iron.

[A]

I know. If your MacBook's going, then you have to get rid of that MacBook. My MacBook needs one of those ports. It's so old.

[B]

Yeah, I. So I was a little upset. I finally had to get a new one. But I can dump this into here.

[A]

Yeah. Try the magic first. So that's the gift of magic.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The piece silver is the gift of the fiscal gift.

[B]

Oh, it's a fiscal gift.

[A]

Sprinkle that over something that you'd like an upgrade.

[B]

I'm going to free base this.

[A]

Sure. It's do with that what you will.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And that could more be in the abstract as well if you got kind of a self worth thing going on. And I don't mean to kind of project that onto you. You're giving abundance, you're giving glowy skin. You're g. Yes. But if there's something that you feel needs a glow up or you know, maybe your car, you want a nice car? Sprinkle that over that. You might be, you might be at a dealership soon.

[B]

Okay. Put this in the gas tank or the battery or whatever.

[A]

And this is. And then. And so what? We haven't gotten to this one.

[B]

Now this is a.

[A]

That's the gift of passion.

[B]

It's a midnight blue, right? After hours.

[A]

That's an after hours gift. That's you at a speakeasy with a whiskey sour and you're kind of, and you're kind of shuffling and you got.

[B]

One cube wearing nothing but a negligee.

[A]

And you've got a tassel and you're swirling it and you're going, hello sir. That's the gift of passion.

[B]

Taking a small vial of a mysterious thing into a bar.

[A]

I can't recommend it enough. No one's going to ask any question and put it on and, and, and put, and sprinkle it into your neighboring friend's drink so that they too can have the gift of passion. No one will ask any questions.

[B]

No, I. These are the most charming little vials I've ever seen. They really do look magical, I think.

[A]

And you know, it's like we were talking about psychosomatic. The LED mask being psychosomatic, you being maybe just but makes you feel like you're stepping from the fountain of youth. These vials. To me, whether or not there's actual magic in there, you might feel like the act of doing it gifts you.

[B]

The magic self fulfilling.

[A]

I think so. I think we could all benefit from acting like we're children more often.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Right. It's like we have to read the artist's way to have fun, right?

[B]

No, I don't need that. I just need to sprinkle glitter all.

[A]

Over everything and put that in people's drinks. No, I. I just. I love a little magic. I love a little whimsy in the afternoon.

[B]

What are you doing to bring whimsy into your life?

[A]

Getting labyrinth tattoos, watching, going to puppet shows.

[B]

Oh, do you go to Bob Baker?

[A]

Love Bob Baker. Jim Henson Studios is about to start doing live puppet shows over in Hollywood. They do, like, Muppet type shows. This was just brought to mind. They do Muppet puppet impression prop.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I know. And I. Somehow I've been missing this, but things like that, right? Just. I don't know. Go take some paints to the park.

[B]

Frolic, frolic. Absolutely.

[A]

Try that out for size. I saw a video of someone skipping, and they were like, it's a way more efficient way to get around. Now listen, am I gonna skip around the Albertsons? No.

[B]

Maybe after you sign a petition to get California two states, you'll be on top of the world.

[A]

You're skipping with Glee.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I didn't want that. Okay, maybe you're the face of that.

[B]

Before we started recording, I tried to sell you a lot of crypto, right?

[A]

But Ethereum's up right now, so I hear. Couldn't be me to invest in that. I come from a lot of fiscal bad, bad choices. Like mother, like daughter. But. And also with crypto, what do we think?

[B]

I mean, I mean, I guess it is kind of in this category where you're just believing.

[A]

But this doesn't Crypto. You're right. You're right. Oh, my God. Is crypto whimsical?

[B]

Crypto is whimsical. Maybe this is how we ruin crypto, because we make it a little bit more, less bro. And then all those guys are scared. They're like, I don't want to be whimsical, right?

[A]

But crypto is make believe.

[B]

It's completely.

[A]

I give you this money.

[B]

Yeah, it's taken. The money is already such a fictional concept that we've all agreed to, and it's taken it to a new level, right? A new arrival, erotic fantasy level, right? That is unsustainable.

[A]

It's all made up. But at least we can print dollars.

[B]

Yes, I can hold a dollar, right?

[A]

I need. I kind of need something. I need liquidity, right?

[B]

I need something that I can throw in someone's face and say, this is all you care about.

[A]

Here's that money I owe you. Yeah, you do that at the after hours bar as you're swirling your tassel. You know what that gift is? That's the gift of drama.

[B]

It's pure drama.

[A]

Just. And I'm not talking about vanderpump rules drama. I'm talking about life just having a bit more best, a bit doing everything, but just doing it a bit extra, extra, extra.

[B]

This feels like. I feel like a spray bottle of glitter would be a good self defense tool.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

That adds a little extra fun to the attack. You know, I love that I'm missing you, but enjoy.

[A]

Yeah. Abracadabra. Sorry, I was talking to my dog. I was trying to fetch my dog over there and mace you at the same time. I love a spray bottle of mace that feels again, like something that I would. That would accidentally leak in my purse.

[B]

Is that an option for mace? Just a. Yeah.

[A]

Listen, I'm sure that you could buy just loose mace on the Internet, right? On the dark Web.

[B]

Go all the way to the dark Web.

[A]

You just get a Ziploc bag of mace.

[B]

Speaking of the dark Web, I was just listening to a podcast called Kill List. Have you heard of this?

[A]

No, what's that?

[B]

It's about hired killers that people hire on the dark web. And apparently it turns out it's mostly a scam. Sure. But there's the theory.

[A]

Ashley Madison of Hitman.

[B]

Yeah, kind of. This the guy who created this podcast, he's like, well, what's happening is these people are hiring a killer for thousands and thousands of dollars. It's not happening. But because they're willing to put that money forth, they're probably gonna end up killing their spouse. Cause it's almost always the spouse.

[A]

100%.

[B]

It's like, kill my ex wife, here's $30,000. And then the dark web goes away. And right now they're just embarrassed.

[A]

How often is it actually like the ransom notes that are being. I'm watching that JonBenet.

[B]

Oh, there's a new one.

[A]

There's a new one. There's no new information.

[B]

Of course. That's how the Zodiac thing was.

[A]

I hate how Netflix is doing three part series that need to be 50 minutes max refreshes. The first 20 minutes is. Is a series of jump cuts of people going, going. I've worked a long time in my field and I've never seen a case like this. And then it cuts to someone else and you know, it's like, journalist. I've written a lot of stories and in all my years, this story is the most hard hitting, of course, over and over again for like eight to 15 minutes.

[B]

We've run out of true crimes.

[A]

We've run out of true. Can people be committing more crimes?

[B]

Yeah, we've got to get.

[A]

So we got to watch it and be spooked in our beds. No, I love true crime and I'm sick of these. These stretched out.

[B]

These documentaries on Netflix are wasting all of our time. They're just. I don't know if you watched the recent Zodiac one, but it was absolute waste of everyone's time. No new information, of course. Right. The new testimonials are also. I'm like, sorry, I just think that. I don't know that I believe this.

[A]

Maybe they're banking on people that don't know about the story. The 18 year olds that don't know what a Walkman is. The people that didn't see National Inquirer articles about Jean.

[B]

Right, well, just drag your old documentary to the top of the pile and show it all.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. 100%.

[B]

Yeah. I don't understand why we need a new one.

[A]

Gosh. That's sort of the theme of this episode is you got a blank check. What are you gonna do? The same thing.

[B]

We're gonna talk about Jean Benet again.

[A]

You're gonna do Gladiator and it's the same script. You're not fooling us. And add a couple sharks.

[B]

No, add some sharks to the JonBenet story.

[A]

That's okay. If you're gonna do a JonBenet a do over. Add some sharks.

[B]

Just. It can be a. A loose theory.

[A]

We've.

[B]

We've gotten every other theory.

[A]

Maybe there was just two sharks in a trench coat that.

[B]

Dressed as Santa Claus.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Yeah, that's what. Yeah. Just. I mean, if you're going to keep doing it, just bring up some new theories.

[A]

It's so interesting that we as a society need crave watching the. Like, it's like SBU is the most popular.

[B]

Oh, of course.

[A]

Always the most grisly, haunting stories that we gravitate towards. What is that?

[B]

I think I feel like I've actually heard somebody. Somebody had a pretty succinct explanation of why this is. And I can't remember anything about it, but it was basically like part of it is self protection where you're like, you're. You at least feel like you're learning how to keep yourself from that happening to you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then I Guess the rest of rest of it we're just freaks.

[A]

That tracks. Because when I was a kid, I would watch Unsolved Mysteries, the most haunting of all, because. And what's funny is in true crime, in a way, most of them are unsolved mysteries.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But it's the fact that they would end every episode and say, if you have any information on the whereabouts or any further information on this case, call this number. There was one about. It was a family that went to the Grand Canyon.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And they were in tents and the parents were in a tent and the little kid was in a tent.

[B]

Separate tent.

[A]

I know. Well, rude. Cuz it gets very cold there at night. Why weren't they all huddling together like three bears?

[B]

Right.

[A]

But that was their prerogative. Maybe they wanted to make some whoopee, have meaningful sex in beautiful production design. But they cut a hole in the tent and they scooped the kid out. And it was one of those where there really was a kidnapper and they've never found the little girl. So I was convinced that someone was gonna cut me out of something. Of course.

[B]

And scoop me up naturally. And we don't think it was just the parents. And they like. It feels like the perfect excuse. While he was in a different tent. How could. I mean, of course he got kidnapped.

[A]

Right? Exactly. You were asking for that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So often too, it's about wealth. Right. Like the Elizabeth Smart. There was a ransom situation.

[B]

Right. I grew up in Utah, actually. I can very specifically remember this happening in real time. Like my uncle lived in that neighborhood. And like it was a horrible situation. But that situation was not ransom. It was a lunatic, a religious fanatic. Like a guy who basically thought he was a prophet and was trying to create a new something or other with wives.

[A]

Wow. It's so interesting that I gave you the gift of whimsy and now we're talking about murder.

[B]

As a kid mapping whimsy gone too far. I would say.

[A]

Took a detour there.

[B]

People whose imaginations got too big.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

If they just had a creative outlet, they wouldn't be kidnapping and throwing their kids into the Grand Canyon.

[A]

That's right. If they had had the pixie dust right, things could have looked really different. Is that interesting as humans that it's like we start at magic and we still have to skew to tragedy?

[B]

Yes. We always just kind of slide.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I don't know what. I can't say what.

[A]

It is good to see you.

[B]

My. The one Unsolved Mysteries that. And this may have been A. What was the other one called? America's Most Wanted.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But this was. Must have been Unsolved Mysteries because Unsolved.

[A]

Mysteries felt like it was more for kids. It did feel. I don't know why, but I think.

[B]

It was like on Friday nights when your parents went out and so.

[A]

And that's when you were. Guys, gather out. We're popping on. And some mysteries. Put the candy and the popcorn and let's start this thing.

[B]

Yeah. For me, the one that stood out and I can still remember was there was a guy that would call Pizza Hut and have a delivery to like an. And it would end up being an empty field and the person would get murdered. Okay, spooky.

[A]

Who's delivering pizza to an empty field?

[B]

Well, they didn't have the Google address to check out if it was an empty field or not.

[A]

Were they printing a map quest out and they had to go that. You remember that?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

When your mom had to drop you off and she's like, what is west? What? It's a cul de sac.

[B]

I can't believe we survived through map quest.

[A]

And I know what I just did to your ear there with the sound. I reached. I went into a. I went into Ariana Grande and Wicked Head voice.

[B]

Blood rushing from.

[A]

And I want to apologize. And when I do that next time I'll do it like West. I think that was still probably peaking. For someone that has a low register voice, I can go astoundingly.

[B]

It was a beautiful note you hit there. It was a high.

[A]

See, there's been some confusion. I loved Wicked.

[B]

Yeah. Map Quest and I was like, that's a crazy case. Yeah, it was a. It was a dark one where I guess all these pizza delivery people were vanishing and all they wanted was to take the pizza.

[A]

And all they were probably doing was getting a summer gig to go back to school. That sucks.

[B]

Vanished. Vanished. And I don't think they.

[A]

No murder good. But that feels like an especially murder.

[B]

Suppose these people were trying to have fun and make a few extra bucks.

[A]

Because it's so fun to deliver pizza. I'm always saying I'm loving doing that.

[B]

I will say I've never delivered pizza. I had a friend who did deliver pizza and we would go along with him on occasion.

[A]

Oh, that's fun.

[B]

You get to listen to all of your favorite music. You have the smell of pizza in the air. As a teenager, at least it was a thrill. It felt very like teenage vibe.

[A]

Joining along reminds me of. I was in an Uber the other day and there was just the Uber driver's wife in the front seat and me in the back. And I thought, that's a choice. I wasn't mad at it. We had really nice conversation. I learned about their love. But is that allowed?

[B]

I don't know that that's legal in the Uber world.

[A]

Right. I also had an Uber driver watching the Disney movie Ice Princesses while driving me. They had an iPad propped up. IPad propped up, but the phone was loose. The phone didn't have a magnet, but the iPad did. And they were watching a feature film that, might I add, is grip. Must be Michelle Trachtenberg. Kim Cattrall. She's a demanding stage mom of the ice. It's. But I thought. And I didn't even say anything.

[B]

You can't.

[A]

I let them drive me from pasadena to West LA and we watched 40 minutes on the freeway of ice Princesses.

[B]

If there's something bad happening in an Uber or Lyft and you comment on it now, it's just going to get worse. Worse.

[A]

That's exactly.

[B]

Nothing will improve.

[A]

And I'm the least confrontational. There could be a thumb in my soup and I would be like, oh, it's probably my. I'll eat it. It's probably my thumb. You know, it's so hard to ask for what you want. I got a massage. I've got. I get like one massage every two years.

[B]

Right, Right.

[A]

And it was way too hard. And I suffered in silence for. I was like, is that. And they even asked, is that good? Yeah, it's awesome.

[B]

Loving it. Go.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Go harder.

[A]

You know what? Get even deeper in there.

[B]

Whatever's fun for you.

[A]

Let's grab another person to hop on top of me. Just have them jump up and down. It's so scary to ask for what you want.

[B]

Oh, it's terrifying. I'm so bad at it when I.

[A]

Like, shop at the Target or something and I'm skip it. Sorry. If I could. You're not verbal.

[B]

No. I rarely speak up for myself.

[A]

Why is it so hard?

[B]

Well, it's kind of cozy not to.

[A]

I should have given you the gift of bravery.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And given myself that too.

[B]

Right. Next appearance, bring a full bottle of self confidence.

[A]

But everyone, in a way, is the cowardly lion. And I don't know why your Viper.

[B]

Has a car wrap around it. That's a Wicked billboard.

[A]

It's one of those rotating. They paid me $200 to Wicked. $200, 500 million and $200.

[B]

We have 200 left. Find a lady with a Viper and.

[A]

My Viper got 19 people to see. Wicked. They're like, it's so loud, that car. So loud. It's. It must be telling the truth. Oh, man. Well, you didn't actually. I gave you a two part gift.

[B]

And wait, what's the second part?

[A]

Well, you threw it on the ground.

[B]

What the. Cotton.

[A]

That's a gift. That's actually the main gift.

[B]

Is this a wig?

[A]

Okay, so that is a gnome.

[B]

It is a wig.

[A]

That's a gnome's beard. Oh, it's a beard that you're supposed to tie that around holding this up.

[B]

It immediately becomes clear that it's a beard.

[A]

Did you just think that was like tissue paper?

[B]

I thought it was dirty cotton.

[A]

And you're not wrong.

[B]

This looks like a bandage from like a World War I hospital.

[A]

So maybe it's dual purpose.

[B]

I'm putting it on.

[A]

When you get on your Conestoga wagon when you're injured, you can use that, but you can also. Full beard gnome.

[B]

I'll wear this until I sweat at least.

[A]

Oh. I mean, in this global warming winter we're having.

[B]

Does this suit me?

[A]

I think it's so good. You can't take that into the bedroom and do with that what you want. You can walk around the grove wearing that and just bring joy to young kids. You could also be Santa in that. It's a gift that keeps on giving.

[B]

Any white bearded man. You can be a white bearded man.

[A]

You can be a white bearded white man. Everyone's asking for more of those.

[B]

I'm already sweating. But we'll keep it on for a bit longer. Where did this come from?

[A]

I was. And I'll show you a picture in a minute or I won't.

[B]

Withholding.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Look at how I'm holding this. I'm developing a neck. Neck problem.

[A]

Yeah. And you can. And we get it now. You can always. You can. I won't be offended if you take it off as. You can wear it as a bib.

[B]

A lobster bib.

[A]

You can also wear that at Red Lobster or the Crab Shack and just get your. Your loose.

[B]

I don't have to wear a shirt with this. I could wear this as kind of. What are those things called? It's like a. What sort of top is this?

[A]

Not a bibby, A dickie.

[B]

I mean it's kind of a Christina Aguilera genie and a bobby circa Dirty era. Yeah.

[A]

It's just the front.

[B]

I wear this with chaps. Also made of cotton.

[A]

Wear that with chaps and then you do or do not send me A picture. It's totally up to you.

[B]

It'll be a video. It'll be hours long.

[A]

At least a live photo that goes on way too long. I love the live photo that ends up in a nude at the very end because you didn't know how. It's like a zoom and you didn't know the camera was on. I was a gnome this Halloween.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And. And my cousin and I have a tradition. I go visit her in Atlanta because Atlanta's Halloween. Halloween is. Is quintessential Halloween town.

[B]

I would not picture Atlanta as a Halloween town.

[A]

You've got porches, you've got crunchy leaves, you've got. The parents are dressing up too. And they're. And something I will say is all the parents of the kids in Atlanta were hot.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

I don't know if my biological clock is ticking or something, but every mom and dad could get it.

[B]

They were smoking hot.

[A]

Well, they're. And they're dressing up in hot. I'm talking like lycra suits. Oh, they're dressing up like the Incredibles. And. But if the Incredibles people are pretty hot.

[B]

Coup.

[A]

Kind of hot. Right? They're wearing skin tight suits.

[B]

Oh, beautiful.

[A]

But that's not. In addition to the parents being able to get it, the town is just gorgeous and the porches are gorgeous and everyone goes all out. But my. The tradition is that we. I arrive and we give ourselves about four hours to, like, put a costume together.

[B]

Okay, sure.

[A]

Like we're a TLC show or.

[B]

Me.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So I took construction paper and I made the pointy hat.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then I found mushroom stickers. And then I had this kind of like berries and cream shirt.

[B]

Oh, great. With a fun collar, of course.

[A]

And overalls. And then she sewed.

[B]

She made this thing.

[A]

She's been big into quilting. And I don't know why you need that for a quilt. The inside.

[B]

Yeah. This is like the batting. I believe that's the word batching. Bring me the batting.

[A]

The swivel. What is it?

[B]

The swivel.

[A]

What's the remote called?

[B]

The swamper. The clicker. The sliver.

[A]

Oh, what do you call splinters?

[B]

Sliver.

[A]

Sliver.

[B]

Sliver is a better word for a control than swamper.

[A]

I think so too.

[B]

It's more of a sliver. Especially one for like an Apple tv.

[A]

But this is the innards of. This is what gets under the skin. And. And so she made that for me. And you're. And it was a hot night.

[B]

She whipped this up in under four hours.

[A]

It's incredible. Put the ribbon around it.

[B]

It's a beautiful.

[A]

Do you have the gift of crafty handiness?

[B]

Absolutely not. I was in a. Can't even mount the ultimate craft.

[A]

Is it cake or did they mount a tv? Both.

[B]

Impressive. That's a movie I want to see.

[A]

Or a TV show starring Sharon Stone. Full frontal within the first two minutes.

[B]

She's trying to mount a tv.

[A]

She's doing it so sexy.

[B]

The camera's mounted in the wall for some reason.

[A]

Oh, what were you saying? I'm so sorry. We deviated. Deviated?

[B]

God only knows.

[A]

Well, love a podcast for that. Love a deviation.

[B]

We were talking about beards and cotton and slivers and Sharon Stone front Halloween.

[A]

In Atlanta, and it.

[B]

To me, that actually kind of makes sense.

[A]

Oh, and you being crafty handiness.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Not crafty. I. I don't know. If you had to take sewing in middle school.

[A]

I did. And home ec. Oh, whatever that means.

[B]

I bombed.

[A]

Me, too.

[B]

I was like, a decent student in other categories. I was like the student that the teacher felt bad for. Like, I had to stay after. Oh, what did you. We had to make wind socks.

[A]

What's a wind sock?

[B]

Okay. Is that what even. What it's called?

[A]

Socks that you parasail in? What's a wind sock? I know about a wind chime. I know about turbine.

[B]

At least do you know what a wind sock is? Okay, it's like a. It's like a fabric tube, different colors, that blows in the wind.

[A]

Inflatable tube, man.

[B]

It's kind of the predecessor of that thing. What is a wind sock for Beautiful decor.

[A]

Oh, it's not to wear.

[B]

Not to. Although it would make a slinky little car costume.

[A]

Okay. I didn't know if it was like, a compression sock, but the opposite.

[B]

Imagine a. What is the type of dress that. Yeah, you can imagine?

[A]

Crazy to call it that.

[B]

What would you call it?

[A]

A mobile of whimsy. Well, now it's deal with the personality as opposed to all these other lame mobiles.

[B]

Well, that's a Windsor. Welcome to Earth Windsor. I tried to make one with the Utah jazz colors and failed miserably. And then Mrs. Whoever she was basically had to take over the sewing machine for me. Oh, I think I was scared of getting my finger sucked in. I think that's really.

[A]

Sewing machines are spooky.

[B]

I mean, it's a final destination moment.

[A]

It is. And they make it look so easy on Project Runway, but they're. They're moving their hands around a needle. That's puncturing. Over and over again.

[B]

Over and they're. They've got their foot on literally on the gas.

[A]

I'm with you. It's spooky.

[B]

Yeah, it's not for me. My mom and sister are both great quilters and sewers. But I didn't get that. I didn't get that ability.

[A]

Me neither. And it's. And I love art.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I love to consume art. I like. You know, I guess my trade is performance art.

[B]

Performance art.

[A]

I've been known to wear a wig or a gnomes beard.

[B]

A spiritual sewing machine.

[A]

But the, but the, the working with your hands. I also hated woodworking class.

[B]

Oh. I mean don't even get me started with that.

[A]

And my brother in law is one of. He's an imagineer and he's one of those people who can just like whittle a walking stick.

[B]

That was my dream job to be an imagineer.

[A]

But you lacked a lot of the skills.

[B]

I simply didn't have one of the skills.

[A]

Yeah, you didn't even have one of them. They're like, you know what? We'll let it slide if you have even one of the skills.

[B]

The one physics class I took in college was literally called how things work. So that's.

[A]

Imagineering is crazy because in your head you're like oh, someone just comes up with ideas. Ideas. No, they need to be an architect, a physicist, a all around great guy. Which because you got to work with that person.

[B]

Yeah. All like most of those things don't usually converge. It's like usually you have a real math brain but you're not creative. Right.

[A]

It's like imagineers are physicists wearing Hawaiian shirts. And you're like some people can't have it all.

[B]

Yes. I think they are the one people that have it all. Yeah. They're. I mean what you've nailed. What an imaginaire is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I can't fit into that clothing.

[A]

Doesn'T make sense for me.

[B]

Stylot. I would have been laughed out of the imagineering college.

[A]

I don't think Eddie Bower is our journey. I don't think so. No. You're a dapper. You're dapper.

[B]

Let's be honest, I'm simply too dapper. That's the only problem.

[A]

Otherwise you're so good at physics you.

[B]

Don'T mount a tv.

[A]

That's the first interview is they just. They just have you mount a tv. The second interview is an is it cake says you situation. They had to do a hyper realistic cake. Well that feels very imagineer things you.

[B]

Would have to do.

[A]

Yeah, it does.

[B]

Interesting. I need to get those Imagineers on the line. I'm not happy with what they did with the Hollywood Tower of Terror.

[A]

I haven't seen it yet.

[B]

It turned into a.

[A]

What don't you like about it?

[B]

They turned it into a Marvel thing and it was a perfect ride. Did you ever go on it?

[A]

Oh, I love the. Okay, now I'm remembering. I love the Tower of Terror. Are you talking about now it's Guardians of the Galaxy. Galaxy. I went on that ride and thought I was having a heart attack.

[B]

You may go.

[A]

I think this is what a heart attack feels like. But how I. Who knew they could be so fun? Because you're. Because you're dip. You're dropping.

[B]

Dipping and dropping.

[A]

It's because I took my focus pill that morning. And then. And then you're on a thing with a massive drop. And I'm already on my 10mg of Adderall that I'm prescribed.

[B]

Just blasted on Adderall.

[A]

Yeah, I was. I think I'm having an. But I'm smiling ear to ear. I hear you. I hear you. I have no frame of reference. I never saw the Tower of Terror.

[B]

The mood they set with the Tower of Terror was unlike anything else on Earth.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

It was so eerie and creepy. And then you got to go up and down and up and down. You got to see. I mean, everything about it was so perfect. And now it's rock and roll. Superhero.

[A]

The story to get us to the Guardians of the Galaxy. It's a real. It's. It's reaching.

[B]

It's thin.

[A]

Thank you. That's what I was looking for. It's a thin storyline.

[B]

Yes. Whereas the Hollywood Tower of Terror was. You're checking into a haunted hotel. Of course this is going to go wrong.

[A]

Right? Right. The David S. Pumpkins of spooky rides.

[B]

Yes. It was very spooky. And I'll never forgive them, and nor should you. And I have no reason to, and.

[A]

I never will because it sounds like you love aesthetic as well. You know where you need to go, then.

[B]

Where?

[A]

It's called the Effort. It's a theme park in Holland. It's the most incredible production design you've ever seen.

[B]

What is this?

[A]

Gnomes, trolls, Goblins, which, you know, I'm about, of course. And there's a ride called Drom Vlugt, and it's. And it's really got a gorgeous ring to it. It's a dream flight. And it's. It's a seven minute Experience. And you go through a fairy's. Oh, a fairy's land.

[B]

I can't believe I've never heard of this.

[A]

It's a. You gotta go if you're ever going to Europe. Definitely pass through.

[B]

What is it called again?

[A]

The Efteling.

[B]

How do you spell that?

[A]

E, F, T, E, L, I, N, G. I think it won an award, several awards for like best ride.

[B]

And I bet they have a bunch of delightful pastries.

[A]

They. Oh gosh, they have chocel is a better chocolate milk. And in the winter they have a hot shokel with whipped cream and a candy cane.

[B]

Oh my God, I'm going crazy.

[A]

Fairy tale village where they've recreated Anton Peak is the illustrator.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And they approached him in like the 40s or so something cuz it used to just be like a park and they said would you want to create the illustrations and, and bring this fairy tale village to life? It's the most whimsical thing you've ever seen.

[B]

Oh, I'm googling this as soon as the podcast. I'm wrapping the show up now.

[A]

Let's wrap it up so you can get to your googling and I can get to looking up people with a genuine connection. Beautiful production design. It's the weekend. Let me have my fun.

[B]

Wow, that sounds really delightful.

[A]

It's great.

[B]

That's my new vacation goal.

[A]

I mean it's all practical. It's. It's all, you know, it's like the. None of the rides. It's not about speed there.

[B]

It's all about just the being in.

[A]

The moment vibes and, and world building.

[B]

And now if they could just get one elevator that drops.

[A]

I hear you. They have something called dance macabre and I think in theory it's kind of that and very, you know, Gorgeous score. Gorgeous production design.

[B]

Okay. When were you there?

[A]

I was there. I went on a belated honeymoon. I mean I've been a bunch. I've been going since I was like three or four. But I went most recently this summer with my husband.

[B]

Husband.

[A]

And it's. I really feel like a five year.

[B]

Old family from there.

[A]

My dad's Dutch.

[B]

No way.

[A]

That's why he says swamp.

[B]

Oh, okay. So now we're getting. We're unpeeling the layers here. So maybe they call it the swamper over there. They.

[A]

Maybe that's what it is.

[B]

They've really failed.

[A]

Well, they. You know what they call goosebumps?

[B]

What?

[A]

Ant tits.

[B]

Oh, I don't like.

[A]

Which is like. That's too small.

[B]

Yeah, that's Way too small. That. I mean, that's micro kitty.

[A]

An ant would be so.

[B]

I mean that ant has had some work done.

[A]

And I've got some bulbous goosebumps. Mine are big. Yeah. They also call it goose pimples.

[B]

Goose pimples. I've heard this. Which kind of makes sense. It's like that gross chicken. Gross skin. Right. Yeah. I think we kind of. We should have left it alone.

[A]

Yeah. Don't touch it.

[B]

Yeah. Goose pimples.

[A]

Bumps. You know, it's. It's an amalgam. It's amalgus. You know, you can interpret it.

[B]

You wish.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I was just on a trip with some friends in one of the. We were in Mexico City and one ordered for breakfast eggs with ant caviar.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Which I guess. I mean it makes sense. I guess you can see an ant egg. I.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

He's didn't even notice. Eating a cricket, it's like eating a cricket.

[A]

They say it's good protein.

[B]

Wrap it.

[A]

Wrap. Put it in chocolate.

[B]

Right. You just have to get around if you've. I think if you weren't told. That's always my problem. The mental.

[A]

Sure. But the texture of a cricket, wouldn't you kind of be like, that's a bug. I don't know if you'd be like, it's chicken. Is it cake? I don't know if you. I'm really pushing that. I've been on a real. Is it cake? Cake.

[B]

You just got on board as a producer.

[A]

Wicked. And is it k. Yeah. And I am a new producer on the show.

[B]

You're trying to revive the show.

[A]

They just did a holiday special. They're back, baby.

[B]

I guess they probably never went away.

[A]

It never went away.

[B]

I never watched the show.

[A]

I don't know how many people did.

[B]

I felt like I had had enough after one tick tock or whatever.

[A]

Sure. I think I just am always like mind blown. That they pull it off.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That they make like a seashell cake or. Or a boom box Walkman cake. Anyway, we can move on.

[B]

This episode was recorded in April of 2020.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. It does feel very 2020 coded.

[B]

Okay. Well, is there anything left to say about this gorgeous beard?

[A]

I just hope that you experience the same magic that I did.

[B]

Well, this is. I already am. I mean this is a sweltering.

[A]

I feel. I mean my clinging to me.

[B]

And you're wearing that on just my arm for a good half hour.

[A]

For a minute I thought I was having perimenopause and I'm in my early 30s, but I had a full heat. You were talking and I was. I was like a dolly clock. I was melting. But I'm back. I had a water and I'm back.

[B]

I just read All Fours by Miranda July. Have you read that?

[A]

Oh, I love Miranda July. I haven't read it.

[B]

Deals with this topic Exactly.

[A]

Perimenopause.

[B]

And it makes me wonder if she goes to my same gym she described the gym described in this book.

[A]

Huh. That's a very vivid description.

[B]

Yeah, it's not that vivid of a description. It's just there are a certain couple of things. The gym in the book is in a basement and it's run by a husband and wife team and the character is in la.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

How many basement gyms run by husband and wife teams do you think there are in la?

[A]

Not. Well, maybe a couple, but probably not many.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And are they still together? Husband and wife? I love that.

[B]

They're deeply in love. They've got.

[A]

So they're probably just super fit.

[B]

They're super fit. They have great taste in tv.

[A]

They go to. When they go on a date. It's like a cryogenics chamber.

[B]

They probably.

[A]

Yeah, I love that for them.

[B]

So I'm keeping my eyes out for Miranda.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

She might be there. For all I know, I was one of the characters in the book. I might as well assume.

[A]

But is there a description of a dapper lover?

[B]

There's a character that she describes as someone who simply could not be an imagineer. Okay.

[A]

That's what it is. And look no further. Could definitely not mount a tv. Definitely not. I gotta read that book.

[B]

Okay, well, I've got these beautiful magic glitters which I'm so excited about. And now I have this beard which can also worn as a cute little.

[A]

Top and a bib for Crab Shack.

[B]

Bib. Almost anything. I'm always.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Our live shows. I've only had one piece of clothing acceptable for our live shows that's been given to me on the podcast and I've been wearing it. And so now I'm starting to get a feeling this may come into play at some point. This feels even more inappropriate than what I have been wearing.

[A]

And if you. There's just, you know, if you want. If you.

[B]

It's a theme party, a bright theme party. And you know, they're like, back party.

[A]

There's just so many things this beard could be, and I just can't wait to see it pop up in your Instagram tags.

[B]

Flourish.

[A]

Can't wait to be stalking. To be sure that you wear that at least once, or otherwise I'm going to be really upset.

[B]

It will be on at least on Instagram Once.

[A]

Okay, listener.

[B]

I feel like I never up top, tell people that we have an Instagram. It's like the last thing I say in the credits of the podcast on your Instagram. Well, that's very sweet, but I guess.

[A]

I start my day, I look at your Instagram and I go, it's going.

[B]

To be a good time to get going.

[A]

And he said, no gifts. I'm bringing a gift.

[B]

I have the strength. Well, I think we should play a game now.

[A]

Okay. I love that.

[B]

Annalise, what do you think? Should we play Gift Master? It's been a long time. I do think there are people that are mad. Okay. We're gonna play a game called Gift Master. I need a number between 1 and 10 from you.

[A]

7.

[B]

Okay. I need to do some light calculations to get our game pieces. So right now you can promote, recommend, do whatever you want with the like.

[A]

It's so funny. I am. If it's out in January. I'm. I just started on a TV show. We can cut this out if it's not. But I. They haven't announced it yet, so I'm afraid to announce it. So I guess I'll just say I have a project coming and just keep an eye out for when I can announce it. You can follow me on Instagram at Hannah Pilkis. H A N N A H P I L K E S there on my Instagram, you can. You can learn about the project I'm working, working on when I can talk about it. What if it. It doesn't exist? I never announce it.

[B]

Keep teasing it.

[A]

God, we keep going on that. I said no gifts podcast and Hannah's and no announcement to be found with that. But honestly, that's a good way to keep people looking.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I've got a project coming out that I can't announce, but it. I will soon. But check in daily and like. And comment.

[B]

This is very Sky Ferrera behavior. Actually, she's been saying she's gonna put out an album for the last. I mean, it's not her fault.

[A]

Entirely the Rihanna of announcements.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love Rihanna and I would kill for another album.

[B]

She's not putting out another album. Why bother at this point? Unless she really just wants to as for fun.

[A]

But she's so good.

[B]

Yeah, she knows that.

[A]

But, but, but, but why? You're saying because she's a billionaire. Yeah, but isn't it for the art but she has.

[B]

She has. I mean, if she put something out, she could lose a lot. What if it sucks?

[A]

That's so true. It's always like, when. When enough time. Or you're Ariana Grande and you just put an album every four to five months and no one can keep track.

[B]

You got to put out. That takes the pressure off.

[A]

That's true. When was her last album? It's. Oh, it's been 2018 or something.

[B]

16. Yeah, it's been eight years. We're coming up on a decade. Yeah. The pressure is so great on her now that it would have to be.

[A]

Only you putting it on.

[B]

Yes. I'm calling her days. I know it's gonna be your best.

[A]

When's the announcement?

[B]

Hey, Ri.

[A]

Yeah?

[B]

Okay, this is how we play Gift Master. I'm gonna name three celebrities, and I'm going to name three gifts.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You're going to tell me which gift you would give, which celebrity and why.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

Does that make perfect sense?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, these are the celebrities we'll be playing with today. Number one is Lorraine Bracco.

[A]

Who is that?

[B]

She plays Tony's therapist in the Sopranos.

[A]

Okay, I know exactly who says that. Of course.

[B]

She plays Dr. Jennifer Melfi.

[A]

Okay, thank you.

[B]

And she does a bunch of other stuff. Number two is Cillian Murphy.

[A]

Great.

[B]

We all know Killian. The cheekbones for years.

[A]

Yes. Gorgeous.

[B]

And number three is Joe Jonas. Okay, I can picture just a general Jonas. I don't know.

[A]

Killian and Joe.

[B]

Lorraine, Killian and Joe.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And you'll be giving these gifts away. Number one is. Let's see, a miniature fridge. Okay, nice. Number two is a guest verse on the new single of a problematic rapper.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Tricky territory. And number three is the inability to trust.

[A]

Okay, okay, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to give the mini fridge to Killian because Lord knows Killian's hydrating. Those cheekbones. That jaw. Is that pouring Cheekbones. I just think everyone always says drink water and no one does. They would sooner spend $6,000,000 at Sephora than drink a bottle of water. Am I right? I'm a raisin. This is the most water I've drank in a day in months and months, and yet I'm still having heat flashes.

[B]

You can kind of see him drinking from a straw, too.

[A]

Totally. Definitely drinking from a strawing.

[B]

Off those cheekbones.

[A]

Definitely. And definitely Evian spraying. Oh, and and you know what? Also Gorgeous person, Gorgeous skincare. They say you should refrigerate your skin care so it doesn't go Bad.

[B]

Oh, I didn't know this.

[A]

Some of. So we're giving Killian the fridge. All the things keeping Killian looking sexy.

[B]

Right. He's got all kinds of beautiful products in there.

[A]

I think the problematic verse to Lorraine, because what a fun wild card. And you know, I think because so beloved, it would be fine.

[B]

Right. And she, like, at least fictionally has a history of dealing with problematic characters.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You know, she really let Tony get away with things.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. What is it with shows about therapists with no boundaries shrinking? I'm like, that's not right.

[B]

I want a real boring therapist. No, that's unhealthy.

[A]

You beat up someone in front of your client. No, it's unhealthy. And yet makes good for good entertainment.

[B]

And we all knew she was falling for Tony. How could you not fall for Tony?

[A]

How could you not fall for some nature Tony? Okay, this is a fun fact. I was a child actor and I was driving to a Law and Order audition and I was at a stoplight in New York City and. And I waved through the window because I saw James Gandolfini. And he rolled down the window and he was like, how's your day? And I was like, I'm going to an audition. And he goes, you're going to do great.

[B]

So sweet.

[A]

And then we rolled up our windows and went about our lives.

[B]

I've never heard a bad thing about him. Oh, no one.

[A]

Tell me, salt of the earth, sweetie.

[B]

Such a sweet guy.

[A]

And I was like 11, and it just really meant a lot.

[B]

What a wonderful person.

[A]

Okay. And then the inability to trust Joe. Joe Jonas. Because Joe Jonas. Oh. Because Nick Jonas has the jealous song.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And Joe Jonas feels left out. Joe Jonas.

[B]

And he wants to be jealous of them.

[A]

No brotherhood for a second.

[B]

No way. They would slit each other's throats to get a new single. They.

[A]

It was like a Korean pop group. They're not real siblings. They were just put together.

[B]

They found very early on closest looking men of all time.

[A]

Or they cloned one. One of them because they all look so alike.

[B]

They really do.

[A]

And they're all so teeny tiny.

[B]

Yeah, that's why I can't really. I would never be able to separate them from each other. They kind of just blur together.

[A]

And that's why I'm saying let's let one of them's not trusting. Let's, you know, let's link them even more. They're so a mesh. Johnny, is it enmeshed?

[B]

Yeah, I think it's enmeshed.

[A]

Okay, well, I. Because I said en. Meshed.

[B]

Oh, a meshed.

[A]

Enmeshed. They're so enmeshed. I don't know if you're supposed to hit the end so hard. They're so enmeshed. Yeah, does that. But that. Those are my answers.

[B]

I think that's perfectly played. I think that's absolutely perfectly played.

[A]

Do I get eliminated if I answer them wrong?

[B]

No, this is more of a beautiful thought exercise. I wish. You're kind of a good person for this, actually.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

You're kind of the ideal candidate to give Killian Murphy a miniature fridge.

[A]

Who doesn't love a little mini schmeg fridge?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Those are so classy looking.

[A]

Is that schmeg or smeg?

[B]

Now that's smeg.

[A]

Thank you. All right. Enmeshed. Smeg.

[B]

Schmeg fridge, I think is a different.

[A]

I got a schmeg fridge.

[B]

Okay. You played it perfectly. And now it's time for the final segment of the podcast. I said no emails. People write into I saidnowgiftsmail.com and beg for answers.

[A]

Okay, sure.

[B]

My listeners, their lives are tatters. Tatters and ruins.

[A]

I get it.

[B]

And it's embarrassing for me as a host, but I just. You take what you can get.

[A]

Gosh, I get it.

[B]

And so they write in begging. And I'll also tell the listener right now if you want to send in suggestions for the gift or a curse or gift master game, the email is always the easiest.

[A]

People, you've been neged so hard. I'm sure that you're dying to send a question. And is your life in tatters? Then jump on. They're all losers. So if you want to join the bandwagon, do some free work. Honestly, that does get through to me. Nagging. Oh, yeah, of course I'm about to send it. I'm. Hold on one second.

[B]

No, I. Listener, you can of course send them through Instagram, but, you know, I. I have to get into the dock. I'm taking screenshots. My life is becoming. I've got enough on my plate.

[A]

Dms are only for sliding in, not for.

[B]

If you. If you want to hit on me.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

If you want to comment on my body or say something disgusting, get into.

[A]

My DM's emails for formal sad questions.

[B]

Okay, we're going to answer a question.

[A]

Sure. Great.

[B]

This is. Hello, Bridger and mystery Guest. That's a nice thing to call you, although this question is my Christian name. You were born Mystery Guest.

[A]

Yeah. First name.

[B]

Although this question may seem trivial and is Definitely giving first world problems. I have to ask. I am the middle sibling on both sides of my family, so I acknowledge my middle child personality. I'm a middle child as well. So in the same boat here, I know that I have a tendency to feel slighted and less important than my older and younger siblings. I own that, especially when it comes to my older sister. Okay, here we go. She is a very Marcia.

[A]

Marcia. Marcia. Yeah.

[B]

Signed Chan Brady.

[A]

I was like, oh my God. Really?

[B]

She is a very successful person with a magazine worthy family. Her success social. Oh, I'm seeing a typo here. Or social media presence.

[A]

Close the laptop. She can't proofread it.

[B]

You don't care about writing into this podcast.

[A]

Close the laptop. It fizzles because it's eight years old. No, this looks like a newer one.

[B]

This is brand new. Her social media I'm editing as we go. Media presence is filled with beautiful photos and witty slash, sincere slash well written captions.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Since we are family and our children are of similar ages, we attend the same family gatherings and have camera albums full of the same photos. However, lately it seems like there is an unspoken race to post our pictures. She will often demand I send her any pictures I have taken and then. And then craft her Instagram post with something hilarious and cute with the pictures I have taken. In contrast, I also have cutesy photographs photos. But I am not timely. I am not as active as she is and have given up trying due to feeling like mine are a poor man's secondhand picture post.

[A]

Poor man secondhand picture post. That's a new vocal format. First poor man's secondhand picture post. Let's send that to Tish.

[B]

It also. It also looks like I have stolen her pictures when in reality she has taken mine.

[A]

So wild. This simply. This is giving Jonas.

[B]

This is definite inability to trust.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

How do I tell her I am not interested in this photo album race and caption contest and that I don't want her to constantly steal my pictures? I.

[A]

Siblings.

[B]

You're giving them to her.

[A]

I don't take them. This is great. Great. But I get it. SIP is no joke. Sibling stuff is real.

[B]

I know it seems like a silly thing to be aggravating. I. Well, okay, I'm gonna read this verbatim. I know it seems like a silly thing be aggravated about. So we're missing a.

[A]

Go ahead and make an edit.

[B]

Put that two in there. Do a little extra labor.

[A]

Send it back to them with like the red, red marks underlines. Like it's like a You're an editor for the New York Times. Times.

[B]

Thank you for your submission.

[A]

Thank you for your submission. Here's where you went wrong.

[B]

You missed one word. Okay, I know it seems like a silly thing to be aggravated about, but it's just another notch in the belt for all the of the other things she seems to do better than me. Please help Debbie. Okay, Debbie. Well, you've been laughed out of the podcast.

[A]

I think Debbie's got to delete Instagram. I don't meant to be on. My friend got off. You know, she's like I'm not mean. Meant for this. I'm not meant for. Everyone's like I. She's like it feels like a never ending rivalry between me and the rest of the Internet. Just I gotta go live my life without feeling like I have to capture it. I really relate in terms of like I'll go on trips, I'll see friends, I'll go do something epic and I forget to take a picture cuz God forbid I'm present. But it is. I get it. I. I feel like there's inherent pressure.

[B]

Every therapist is the first I'm sure first meeting they're telling. Telling people compare and despair.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Get off of the. But we're all trapped.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Especially if you rely it on it professionally.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Gun to your head 24 hours a day.

[A]

Right. That's how they got you to sign the petition. But I also think maybe their sister's better. I'm just kidding. Totally kidding.

[B]

No, I think Debbie, I think you need to. Okay, first of all, stop sending the pictures or put it. Let's be honest. Let's put a wife watermark. Yeah, let's do. Who is the. What's the company that's usually a watermark on the pictures? Getty.

[A]

We get the image and make it hundreds of dollars to have to buy. Yes.

[B]

And then sue her. Sue this woman out of her children become.

[A]

Take the firstborn Rumple silk style.

[B]

Yeah. So that's one option.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Another option is you're clearly setting a little trap for her which is send her the photo. Let her post. First comment is I took this and.

[A]

Then say pin this. Pin this. Keep writing pin this until they pin it. And if they don't do in 48 hours report the picture for inappropriate content.

[B]

And then you could you have the evidence. You can send it to Instagram. Look, I took it first and to.

[A]

Me that feels healthy and balanced.

[B]

Instagram will take you seriously. They take all of these. Any report they take seriously. Of course. And meanwhile, whatever her name is Heather is. Now her life is falling apart and she's working even harder to keep up appearances. She's begging you for more photos. Suddenly you're charging her. You've started a little business of your own.

[A]

Third idea, Debbie. Make your main photo a verified check so that you look verified. And then. Talk about clout. I bet Heather doesn't have that. Heather doesn't have a check mark.

[B]

Heather isn't gonna know head from tails. That's right. She is gonna be destroyed. No, Debbie, I think your problem is absolutely valid. Your sister wants you dead. And you have got.

[A]

Your sister's gonna send an email in next week. Next time.

[B]

No, Debbie's gonna write on the name Heather. That's what's next. And she's gonna try to make Heather look like she has even more typos and try to embarrass her.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Debbie has already, unfortunately, already kind of exposed herself in the biggest possible way.

[A]

This was very exposing.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But you know what? I love Debbie. And I get it. I get it. When my sister and I were kids, the running, you know that thing you would do to just go. I would say. We would say to each other, you think you're so cool, but you look so dumb. And to this day, those words haunt me, of course.

[B]

Upon waking. Upon waking. Yeah. Debbie, you are in a bad situation, and we feel for you. We feel emancipation. Yeah. Emancipate yourself from your sister who lives in another house. Emancipate her children from her. Just do anything you can to kind of rough her up.

[A]

Debbie, have you seen the film Sliver? I think that's what you need.

[B]

Start there and just follow whatever you see in Sliver.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Well, we answered the question perfectly. Debbie, don't write back in. Unless you're Heather.

[A]

Debbie, don't write back in.

[B]

Looking forward to Heather's email.

[A]

Do people ever write back to your response?

[B]

On occasion, sure. And I block report.

[A]

Block up immediately.

[B]

Change email address.

[A]

No, you're like Chapel, no, don't interact.

[B]

Chapel took that from me.

[A]

That makes sense.

[B]

Chapel wrote into me, and I know she. My response.

[A]

She goes, wait, you can do that?

[B]

He's onto something here.

[A]

I'm gonna block everybody.

[B]

Chapel, reach out. Well, I. I'm so happy to have these life changing serums. Oh, and this beard, which now become a cape.

[A]

There's so many things you can do with it.

[B]

I mean, my chest is covered in sweat now.

[A]

You look like the superhero of Comfort.

[B]

Flying through the clouds.

[A]

There's like the Tooth Fairy. And you Just, like, make people's thread count higher.

[B]

I'm cutting off the tooth fairy in traffic.

[A]

Right. You upgrade their Tempur Pedics. Yeah.

[B]

I've had such a wonderful time with you. Thank you for being here, even despite a dog emergency.

[A]

Oh, yeah, of course. That guy. I love my dog.

[B]

Listener, the podcast is over. I've got to, you know, cool down, refresh myself.

[A]

I know. I gotta change my shirt.

[B]

Yeah, we've all got. We're all gonna change right here in front of the camera.

[A]

A little swamper right now.

[B]

There's a better use. Send this episode to your father. We need to.

[A]

I will, I will. He needs to hear it. Yeah.

[B]

Listener, the episode's over. Move on. I love you. Goodbye. I said no Gifts is an exactly right production. Our senior producer is Annelise Nelson, and our episodes are beautifully mixed by Ben Tolliday. The theme song is by miracle worker Amy Mann. And we couldn't do it without our booker, Patrick Cotner. You must follow the show on Instagram at I said no Gifts. That that's where you're going. To see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting. And don't you want to see the gifts?

[A]

When I invited you here, I thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you gotta come to me empty handed. I said no. Guess your present presence is presence enough. And I already had too much stuff, so how do you dare disobey me?