Zach Noe Towers Disobeys Bridger

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Zach Noe Towers Disobeys Bridger"

Podcast Information:

• Title: I Said No Gifts! A Comedy Interview Podcast with Bridger Winegar
• Host/Author: Exactly Right Media – The Original True Crime Comedy Network
• Episode: Zach Noe Towers Disobeys Bridger
• Release Date: October 31, 2024

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1. Introduction and Halloween Theme

The episode kicks off with a nod to Halloween, aligning with its October 31 release date. Bridger Winegar, the host, is dressed as a werewolf, setting a spooky tone for the annual Halloween special. He humorously mentions the complexities of his and his guest Annalise’s costumes, highlighting the behind-the-scenes efforts to maintain the Halloween spirit for the podcast’s visual and photographic content.

Notable Quote:

• Bridger [00:25]: "When you're a guest in my home, you gotta come to me empty-handed. I said no guests. Your presence is presence enough."

2. Election and Social Commentary

Bridger briefly touches upon the imminent election, expressing his personal preference without intending to influence listeners' voting decisions. He emphasizes the importance of not letting personal biases sway public decisions but makes a pointed appeal regarding specific candidates.

Notable Quote:

• Bridger [00:30]: "I'm not gonna sway anybody or anything, but just to be clear, please don't vote for Donald Trump. Vote for Kamala Harris."

3. Movie Discussions: "Trap" and "Blair Witch Project"

The conversation delves into critic reviews of recent horror films. Bridger and guest Zach Noe Towers share their disdain for the movie "Trap," debating its production quality and overall reception. They reminisce about the original "Blair Witch Project," comparing it to its sequel, "Book of Shadows," and lamenting how modern horror films often lack the genuine fear-inducing elements of their predecessors.

Notable Quotes:

• Zach [04:27]: "Don't you dare. The way I want her to walk out of this po."
• Bridger [13:04]: "It's all shot like a studio film or like a music video. Like a Marilyn Manson video or something."

4. Animation and TV Shows

Bridger expresses his frustration with contemporary animation, particularly criticizing shows that he feels lack diversity and authenticity. They discuss the challenges of getting quality animated projects off the ground, highlighting the industry's shift towards safer, less ambitious productions.

Notable Quote:

• Bridger [07:35]: "Nobody knows anything and everyone's just acting confidently and they're also terrified."

5. Pet Ownership and Grieving

The topic shifts to pets, with both hosts sharing personal experiences regarding pet ownership and the subsequent grief of losing a pet. Bridger discusses the emotional challenges of not being able to have pets due to his touring schedule, while Zach reflects on the profound impact of losing a beloved dog.

Notable Quotes:

• Bridger [61:33]: "Dogs are brilliant. They anchor you to the present."
• Zach [60:25]: "The house is so quiet without a dog."

6. Caffeine and Energy Drinks

A lively debate ensues about the consumption of caffeine and energy drinks. Bridger champions Celsius energy drinks for their flavor and caffeine boost, whereas Zach shares his cautious approach, preferring beverages like Diet Coke and being wary of the excessive caffeine intake associated with energy drinks.

Notable Quotes:

• Bridger [50:22]: "Celsius really has me by the throat because they keep releasing new flavors."
• Zach [52:22]: "I felt like I had broken some sort of Mormon rule. And I thought my heart's going to explode."

7. Gaming Segment: "Gift Master"

Bridger promotes his own game, "Gift Master," available at the Exactly Right Store. He encourages listeners to explore the game, tying it into the episode's theme of gifts and the comedic mishaps that ensue when rules are broken.

Notable Quote:

• Bridger [87:21]: "I'm gonna shamelessly promote me. I have a show."

8. Gift or Curse Segment

In an interactive segment, Bridger and Zach engage in a game called "Gift or Curse," where they evaluate listener-submitted scenarios to determine if they are beneficial or detrimental. This segment showcases their comedic chemistry and sharp wit as they dissect everyday situations with humor.

Notable Exchange:

• Zach [90:49]: "Curse. Don't lift up children. Yeah, no, that's embarrassing for all parties involved."
• Bridger [92:18]: "It's so cheap. It's so the audience hasn't earned that."

9. Closing Remarks and Promotions

The episode concludes with Bridger and Zach reflecting on their dynamic throughout the show. They humorously lament the length of the episode and the extensive topics covered, while also promoting each other's projects and merchandise. Bridger emphasizes the importance of supporting fellow comedians and creators within their network.

Notable Quotes:

• Bridger [102:24]: "Listener. The podcast is over. We're letting you go."
• Zach [87:56]: "Everybody go see Zach. Buy tickets to live."

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Conclusion:

This Halloween-themed episode of "I Said No Gifts!" offers a blend of comedy, candid conversations, and sharp social commentary. Bridger Winegar and Zach Noe Towers navigate through a myriad of topics—from the pitfalls of modern horror films and the complexities of pet ownership to the absurdities of energy drink culture and the nuances of interpersonal relationships—all while maintaining a humorous and engaging rapport. The episode not only entertains but also provides insightful critiques on contemporary media and societal norms, making it a must-listen for fans of comedic interviews and true crime humor.

Transcript

[A]

This is exactly right. Abc Wednesday.

[B]

Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in.

[A]

The new family comedy Shifting Gears. Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like. So a couple of days when his.

[B]

Daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that.

[A]

Door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird. I was 18.

[B]

The double bird was how I ended all our conversations.

[A]

The wheels come off. Can we try to talk to each other like rational adults?

[B]

Have you watched the news lately? That's not a thing anymore.

[A]

Series premiere Wednesday, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu. Build a routine with Ollie that supports your wellness needs. Like getting your daily vitamins and minerals with Ollie's multigummies or keeping your mood upbeat with all the vitamin D and hello happy. Give your gut health some support with probiotics and wake up feeling refreshed after taking Ollie sleep. Do wellness on your terms. Find Ollie at a Walmart or Target near you [e-mail]. these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to d cure or prevent any disease. When I invited you here, I thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you gotta come to me empty handed. I said no guests. Your presence is presence enough. And I already had too much stuff, so how do you dare disobey me?

[B]

Welcome to I said no gifts. I'm Bridger Weiniger. We're in the backyard. I did some a little research before the podcast, which means I checked the email and it looks like this will be releasing on October 31st. Halloween. This is our annual Halloween episode. Very spooky. I'm dressed as a werewolf. Our guest is dressed as a werewolf. Annalise's dress is a giant peanut. So just keep that in mind. Ignore any photo evidence on the Instagram or anything. The costumes are removed before video and photo and then put back on. It's a complicated Halloween process, but what else we're about? We're just a few days away from the election and I'm not gonna sway anybody or anything, but just to be clear, please don't vote for Donald Trump. Vote for Kamala Harris. I assume most of my listeners will do that. But then I also think you listen to this podcast, you're capable of anything. Ah. I have to do this just for my own good, my own calm. We can't let Grandpa drive again. We put him in the old folks home. Do not give him the keys. We can't go through the apocalypse this soon. I'm still in the middle of my career. Okay, what is happening? It's the werewolf costume. This is what's going on. It's driving me wild. So let's get into the podcast. I absolutely love today's guest. It's Zack Noe Towers. Hello, Zach. Welcome to I said no kids.

[A]

I was actually hoping you would never introduce me and I could just listen to you monologue. Cause that tickled me senseless.

[B]

That's about as long as I can talk on my own before I really start to drown.

[A]

No, no, no, no. And I'm also honored to be the Halloween episode.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

I love fall. I'm an October baby and Halloween's, I think, my favorite holiday.

[B]

When's your birthday?

[A]

October 18th.

[B]

October 9th. Right here.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Two little Libras.

[B]

Two Libras.

[A]

That explains why everyone likes us so much.

[B]

Of course. We're the most popular kids in school.

[A]

We are the most likable people. Walk. And I dare you to say otherwise.

[B]

And number three, it's a huge drop off for third most popular person. That person's awful.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We're miles ahead as far as likability.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

You do like Halloween and you like horror movies.

[A]

I love horror movies.

[B]

The last time I saw you. You are making a very good case for me to watch Trap.

[A]

No. Oh, in a bad way.

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[A]

Don't you dare. The way I want her to walk out of this po. As soon as I was like, I'm not going to get gotchaed by this journalism. I was, oh man, I hate talking shit. But I was floored by how much I didn't like Trap, but in a.

[B]

Way that made it seem so intriguing.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But I guess not enough for me to leave the house. I never saw a movie.

[A]

I feel like it's streaming now.

[B]

I've actually looked this up because I was like, oh, I did want to see. I felt like I should have been locked in a theater because I feel like when it's on my way, I won't be able to finish it. But it's coming soon. I believe when I looked it up, you could rent it for like $90 or something. And that wasn't.

[A]

Which is they're trying to recoup what.

[B]

They lost on it or begging people for money.

[A]

You can be a co producer on Trap. Just rent it right now.

[B]

Would you like your name in the credit?

[A]

Eleven hundred dollars. They'll CGI you in as one of Celine's back.

[B]

What was her Name Lady Raven. You can be Lady Raven's number one fan.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[B]

I mean, that's. That's what I'm thinking now. I think I'm going to listen to the album, the Lady Raven album, over and over. So it feels like a concert film for me.

[A]

That could work. And that could actually work because I feel like the pop music was maybe my favorite part of it.

[B]

It's fine.

[A]

It's like nondescript pop music.

[B]

It's AI AI pop music. It's very odd. I was listening to it. This is so faceless.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I guess that's what you need for a movie.

[A]

Oh, yeah, for. Well, no, I see. I think it was M. Night trying to propel his daughter's singing career.

[B]

Oh. So he.

[A]

I think it was an elaborate commercial for going to see Lady Raven in concert.

[B]

But Lady. She doesn't perform under the name Lady Raven.

[A]

Does she not?

[B]

No, she has another name. Well, then at least we know that.

[A]

Night you messed up Seleka.

[B]

Silica.

[A]

Silica.

[B]

Okay, now this is the first legitimate piece of advertising she's gotten.

[A]

Yes. And huge.

[B]

Because everyone else is typing in Lady Raven.

[A]

Because years from now I'm like, this is from that movie I hate.

[B]

I was thinking that while listening to the music, like, how is there anyone in the world that will ever have an emotional response to this music? It doesn't feel like music that you can feel anything to.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. It's music born out of no adversity. I assume.

[B]

That'S probably true. Other than like begging dad to be in the movie.

[A]

Yes, exactly.

[B]

I feel like her, like, this sort of level of spoiling your child is like, anybody else, like, asking for a Nintendo for Christmas?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

He's like, fine, I'll put you in the movie. I'll make an entire film around you.

[A]

Stream, wide release film. You've been good for the past 90 days. It's wild. I think. And you can probably relate to this. As someone who's got in vicious rounds of notes on my projects to go sit. Sit in an AMC theater and watch a movie like that. I was like, who's giving notes to these people? Is anyone giving notes to these people?

[B]

This is the entire entertainment industry where everyone acts like your particular project is not makeable. And then you go see what, Turn on TV or go see a movie. You're like, wait, what's happening? This is horrible. This is pure garbage.

[A]

Most recently, I've been pitching cartoons for a while because I do love adult animation.

[B]

Oh, you should Be doing cartoons.

[A]

I love it. And if you're watching or cast, I can do voices. But it's all about kind of like the, like, what's the diverse thing? What's like the family setup. There's a new cartoon that's been on billboards called Universal Basic Guys.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

And it's just like. It's like four white guys who are awful husbands and boyfriends being stupid. And I'm like, what is that so.

[B]

Far removed from reality? That's a real fantastical thing to think about.

[A]

People need to see themselves represented, I suppose, in cartoons, but.

[B]

And now this is getting advertising. Oh, we've got. Eventually. Eventually we're going to recommend something good.

[A]

Thing we, like, quit. I actually make it a point to, like, because I never understand why people take to the Internet and complain. I'm much more of a like, let's lift up things we like as opposed to tear things down. Because trap you. Universal Basic Guys. Like, they still took people forever to get made.

[B]

I'm sure there was someone's dream.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And silly.

[A]

That's all I can say. But go on. I think I derail.

[B]

I think I'm on board with promoting something good. But. Yeah, I mean, basically all I'm saying is that it appears that Fox does not want to make anything expensive anymore. And that's why, like, they're going for whatever the hell this is.

[A]

Just like a very, very basic. It's like fam. Bad Family Guy.

[B]

Yes, exactly. Because I think Family Guy is extraordinarily expensive to make because all of their writers have been there for 20 decades. And so they're like, at the high. That show probably costs more than Lord of the Rings, but they probably.

[A]

They keep the lights on at Fox, I would assume.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Or Simpsons.

[B]

Fox and Simpsons, both super expensive. And then all of the voice cast is expensive. I love to talk industry bins. People who like the town.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And I. What I have just said is probably about 40% accurate. All of us. So everyone just takes.

[A]

That's better than most news out there. That's better than you're doing better than most news outlets.

[B]

Wait, but I feel like you were talking about pitching cartoons.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And what for? Do we remember what reason?

[A]

Oh, no, but that's again, I said before we started recording, I. I think as little as possible at all times. So, like, if you say something that makes me think of something, I'll go down that road. But.

[B]

Right. You're on the right podcast. Yeah, it's just Memory of a Goldfish podcast. How did we. You were ready to pitch me.

[A]

Oh, I was saying, like, notes. How did something so bad get made?

[B]

None of it makes any sense because nobody knows anything and everyone's just acting confidently and they're also terrified. So they just blow through things, make decisions based on hype. And truly, anything, any idea that got made has about the same chance of being good.

[A]

Yes. Whether celebrities are attached, whether the writer made Will and Grace, you think of things like Joey, the spinoff from Friends, should have, in theory, been, like.

[B]

Should have been great.

[A]

I don't think it even got a full season.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Mulaney.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Was a tough head writer of snl. Like, s. A huge cast.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I don't think I made it one season.

[B]

No. There's no formula. No, there's no formula. Except for the ones that I'm cooking up.

[A]

Yes. Which is very.

[B]

And they're all sure fire.

[A]

Tried, tried and true. Bulletproof.

[B]

Absolutely bulletproof. I just watched the Blair Witch Project for the first time.

[A]

The original.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

How would you think?

[B]

I was not scared for a second.

[A]

Okay, so my theory here is you needed to see it in the brief window where us dumb dumbs thought it was real.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because I feel like it was the first, like, found footage film. So, like, in that regards, it was horrifying.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like the end where, spoiler alert. If you have people 29 years to watch it, but when they go down and they're screaming and there's handprints all over the wall and they're standing in the corner like that, I mean, I was young when it came out, but, like, it scared the dickens.

[B]

Yeah. And they really did, I think, kind of falsely advertise it as real.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I think, Yeah, I guess during that small summer of 98 or whatever, you could be scared by this. This. I was just like, okay, I've seen found footage before. It's this old hat. So I immediately jumped into Blair Witch 2 Book of Shadows. Now, have you seen this movie?

[A]

Yes, I have.

[B]

Obviously a very tasteful tonal shift.

[A]

Not found footage anymore.

[B]

It's baffling.

[A]

Yeah, I haven't see. God, I wish I had watched it recently. I know she's dancing on a bed or freaking out on a bed at some point.

[B]

See, I haven't gotten to that part. I've only gotten about 15 minutes in. But the highlight so far is there's an actor named Kim, director. Oh, I love that.

[A]

She. That does sound like a sex porn actress.

[B]

In the movie, she plays Kim Diamond. I guess that was part of her contract.

[A]

Wait, that's why. Wait, is she the lead? Is she the kind of reddish hair girl?

[B]

I think she's either her. Okay. Annalise is nodding. Yes. I was gonna say either her or the goth girl.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But it's. Yeah, she's the red, and I think she's kind of a. No, there's a. There's a witch. Like an Earth witch.

[A]

Yes. So that she strikes me as the more famous person in the entire cast.

[B]

Okay. I didn't recognize that I'm pulling that from any of these people.

[A]

Damn. Okay.

[B]

But it is so odd to watch because, you know, that first movie is such a specific thing, and then this is, how'd you get there? And the way they try to explain it is very confusing where, like, the people in the movie are like, we saw Blair Witch Project, the movie, so that's why we're doing this. But it's unclear whether the Blair Witch Project they watched was fictional or whether it was real in their world. It's very odd to watch. And it's all shot like a. Like a. A studio film or like a music video. Like a Marilyn Manson video or something. I mean, there is a Marilyn Manson song in the beginning.

[A]

As there should be.

[B]

As there absolutely should be. There should be.

[A]

The only thing they did right, honestly.

[B]

That'S why the first one was such a flop.

[A]

They should have made it a Marilyn Manson visual album inspired by Blair Witch.

[B]

If he hadn't been canceled, that would be a good idea for him. He should have. He kind of was doing kind of these visual albums. He had a very locked in aesthetic.

[A]

He had a vision.

[B]

He was scaring me to death when I was in, you know, middle school.

[A]

I guess, when it was like, the amorphous, like, gel bodysuit with, like, a kind of boob esque.

[B]

That was. I'm trying to think, what's the name of the song? Is it Mechanical Animals you could never get on? At least look. Is that the name of a Marilyn Manson song?

[A]

I have a lot of buried information in my head that's not in there.

[B]

He's got beautiful people. Wow. Marilyn Manson.

[A]

You gotta let go of that.

[B]

Oh, the dope show. That's the name of the song.

[A]

Wow. You're like a Steve.

[B]

I manage a Hot Topic. This podcast is my side Hub Hustle. Hot Topic is kind of my career, and so I've got to stay on top of Marilyn Manson.

[A]

You don't see many. See many redheads in the goth community. I don't.

[B]

Oh, interesting. I feel like they would Fit right in. They're so pale.

[A]

Agreed. But, like, those blue eyes, I think.

[B]

Would really throw people. Yeah. That ruins the look.

[A]

I'm just not picturing it. Maybe there are. And I'm. And I apologize if I am excluding you from the community, but I know.

[B]

What a horrible, hurtful thing you've done.

[A]

I joined Marilyn Manson in Cancel Hood. I'm like, yeah, don't go for the gingers. We'll take you out.

[B]

I want to see you open for Marilyn Manson.

[A]

Wait, he famously dated Rose McGowan.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Thank God. I knew that.

[B]

Okay, so now you. I mean, wow. I know a lot about him. Well, it's because I was kind of obsessed with him in, like, high school. Not in a. Like, I didn't enjoy him. I. I thought it was, like, a funny. Yeah. I was like, this is so stupid.

[A]

See, I wasn't even. The dope show stupid.

[B]

Dope show's a great song.

[A]

I don't know his music.

[B]

Beautiful People's a great song.

[A]

I hate that you're trying to get me to remember it.

[B]

They're very within the Trent Reznor world.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I think he produced some of that, so I think that's probably why it was good.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it's campy.

[A]

Congrats. Even though he's canceled, let's. We are repping so many bad things. I mean, talk about a scary episode.

[B]

We're gonna have to make a list of good things that we just read through, like credits at the end of this, because we still haven't mentioned a.

[A]

Single that we like.

[B]

It's very hard to do.

[A]

I did like Rose McGowan a lot. Does that count?

[B]

Rose McGowan.

[A]

And because of Scream, her role of Tatum in Scream.

[B]

Right. She was great in Scream.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I assume she's been great in other things.

[A]

Charmed.

[B]

Have never seen Charmed.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Charmed. The TV show.

[A]

Correct. With Shannen Doherty. Alyssa Milano.

[B]

Yes. Right.

[A]

Oh, man. I feel so bad for that third one, because I don't remember her name. Holly. Holly Marie Combs. Okay.

[B]

Holly Marie Combs. Is that. Is Marie Combs one word?

[A]

I think it's Holly Marie. Holly Marie Combs. Like their hair combs.

[B]

Okay. Holly Marie Combs.

[A]

She got ambitious having three names, and.

[B]

I. Holly Marie Combs. Sounds like a greeting. Like Holly Marie in another language.

[A]

Yeah. Ah. Holly Marie Combs. That. It really does. Holly Marie comes. Oh. And to you. And Holly Marie comes.

[B]

Okay, so we do have Rose McGowan. We've. We've represented her. Hopefully, she hasn't Done anything bad in the last 10 years.

[A]

I feel like she went a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

[B]

Oh, did she?

[A]

I think. But that could be me being a secret misogynist.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Which I.

[B]

You are. I mean, you're trying to bring it out into the light and be public misogynist. You've made that a goal.

[A]

I am one of those. I mean, I'm a gay of the. I'm 38. Like, I feel like a lot of us, like, have mistreated women in one way or another.

[B]

Oh, sure.

[A]

Whether it's like going out to the bars with the girlfriend and then leaving her or, you know, we did a lot of fondling, like, in, like, in my college days. It was very, like, slap girls butts and stuff.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I just want to. This is my. My only apology I'll ever make to the community. But I'm sorry.

[B]

I feel very lucky that I. I mean, this is one good thing about me coming out so late that I got to avoid kind of the bad behavior. Yes. You know, like the misogyny. Oh, sure.

[A]

You were smart enough.

[B]

Yeah, I just. Yeah, I just got to be good friends with women and we respected each other.

[A]

Wait, what have you said? If you've said it too many times on the pod, what was your relationship with women like until 30? Like, were you dating and penetrating?

[B]

There was some very light dating, but very heavy.

[A]

Penetrating.

[B]

Extremely. I'm so sorry to.

[A]

Do you not talk about sex on the blood?

[B]

No. I mean, that's fine. We probably won't get deep into it. My mom listens to the podcast.

[A]

Holly Marie Combs, Mrs. Weiniger.

[B]

But no, but the answer is like. And this is truly wild. This was when I was in la. I was like, I did some dating women, like, in my mid-20s. Just as a final. Like, we gotta give this a shot. You've gotta give it an honest effort. Maybe being gay is fake and we just unlock it and prove all of these homos wrong.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Obviously, that didn't work. Ouch. But my relationship prior to being in LA in my mid-20s all those years before, basically just very good friends with women and realizing how. I mean, you know, like in the aughts and tens. There was a new magazine article about every week. Are women funny?

[A]

Oh, sure. You mean today.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it continues, but there was a real heavy period where. And I think this is true of most gay men, but I was just like, oh, I didn't. That question was never. Why is this being asked all of the funniest people I know are women.

[A]

I literally only care to hear female funny voices.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, I have. I have no interest in straight male comics. It is amazing if one of them can hold my attention. Amazing.

[B]

It's a very select few.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And yeah. And like, women are like, how I learned how to be funny or like, my little sister was so funny. So it was. That was just baffling. But, you know, I was piecing all these things together trying to find out that I was gay, essentially.

[A]

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

[B]

But at the time, I was minority reporting. Yeah. I'm so advanced, Bey. Straight guys. It's like, well, no, no, you're actually.

[A]

Sorry, you're actually not advanced. For a gay man.

[B]

Yeah. You're so behind. You could be leaving women behind in bars and groping.

[A]

Yes. Come get in here. The water's fine. Oh, such a clutch off season pickup, Dave. I was worried we'd bring back the same team.

[B]

I meant those Blackout motorized shades.

[A]

Blinds.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install. No, it's easy. I installed these and then got some from my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure and install hall of fame, son. They're the number one online retailer of custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the goat shopblinds.com right now.

[B]

And get up to 40% off select styles plus a free professional measure. Rules and restrictions may apply. I keep forgetting how we're getting to any of this. I think it's the heat, probably. I like, if we speak on a topic for more than two minutes, the memory of how it started just washes away like a sand castle in the ocean.

[A]

Yeah. Now, I don't know because I brought up. Oh, you. You came out late in life. I was a misogynist. And I was like, what's your experience? I don't know why we were there either.

[B]

Interesting. And the listeners probably like, well, that all happened 10 seconds ago. I. I'm keeping track.

[A]

The listeners probably having an aneurysm right now.

[B]

Like, they've driven off the road. They're like, crashed into a snowbank.

[A]

Which would be very scary. Which is the theme of today's Halloween episode.

[B]

Yeah. The scary on this is, like, subtle. And we get there in interesting ways. For the surprise. For the jump scare.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And that's.

[A]

Ow.

[B]

You're sitting directly in front of a bush. Something could pop out of that at any time.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

We should have set that up. Imagine getting a real scare out of you on this podcast.

[A]

Well, you probably didn't because of Ellen. Ellen started off scaring people, and then it ruined her career.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, the whole thing was. It was. It was like insidious because she liked to scare people on the show, and then she was, like, terrorizing writers and stuff.

[B]

Is that true?

[A]

Yeah. She even talked about it in her special. She two, like, one of the writers and one of the producers hated snakes. She had a trap door installed in the writer's room that would drop snakes, like fake ones. But she's like, oh, now that I say it out loud, that is pretty evil.

[B]

And so that was kind of the toe in the water. Then it was just like, now I can just full out psychologically attack people and then kind of not apologize for it at all ever. Yeah, I watched a bit of the. The Special. And I mean, it was. It's baffling to watch. It's. I mean, it's one of the weirdest things I've ever seen to see somebody who could easily just fully apologize.

[A]

I know. Go, oh, yeah, like Hollywood. What a nice industry. She basically was like, people have been meaner than me in the past.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Let's move on.

[B]

Yeah. And obviously the clip has been shared everywhere of, like, the standing ovation that lasts 30 minutes.

[A]

It's too many applause breaks.

[B]

Where do those people come from? Where did they find them? Have they been trapped in Ellen's studio since the cancellation? We'll release you if you'll clap non stop. You've been practicing in the warehouse.

[A]

I just, like, think if 40% of our country loves Donald Trump. There's a theater full of people that are obsessed with Ellen DeGeneres.

[B]

There's somebody for everyone, I guess.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

There's a special somebody or presidential candidate or talk show host for everyone.

[A]

Yes. That will get people off their. Their butts, out of their seats.

[B]

Right. I'm trying to. There are very few people I would give a standing ovation. And not for that long. I'm tired. After about four seconds, I'm like, looking at other people, like, is it time to. Okay, can we just stop it?

[A]

And I'm so glad you brought this up. Cause this is my theory on what's happening with those. Like, this film received a 17 minute standing ovation. Yeah. Cause if the actors and writers and director in the Dare you to sit down first. So of course everyone's like, I'm not sitting. I'm. I'm fucking not sitting.

[B]

Like, this is how mass suicide happens.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Starts essentially the same thing. No. But that makes Sense. Yeah. Every time, every year around can, like, it was a 45 minute standing ovation. It's like. And then the movie comes out six months later and people are like, this is garbage.

[A]

Like, I stood up to walk out. Speaking of, I tried to watch Megalopolis. Oh, there needs to be a Megalopolis challenge. Like, how far can you get through? I literally got through 14 minutes.

[B]

14?

[A]

Yeah. My friends, I went with two girlfriends and we said, okay, if at any point you want to, like, pull the emergency release hatch, just do this. And one of them was in, like, minute seven.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I was like, oh, I can, like, make it longer than that. And then 14. I was like, wow. And then if we all. We only needed two thumbs up to.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

I just realized I did something visual on a podcast.

[B]

There's a thumbs up.

[A]

Thumbs up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we left.

[B]

I stayed an hour and I wanted to stay for the whole thing because the only reason I left was because I got a little sleepy. The movie, I mean, like, it's so horrible. I was like, I have to keep watching what is going to happen next. What horrible ideas next. Like, and now I'm about to reveal something about myself that I just cannot manage to train my brain to do. How do we say Shaya Lebeouf?

[A]

Shia.

[B]

Shia.

[A]

That's what I say. Shia LaBeouf.

[B]

This man has been famous for well over two decades, and I still have. I mean, even now you just said it and I'm so like, wait, Shia.

[A]

Because isn't it S h I a Shia.

[B]

Shia. But that is the Shia. That is she Ra and he.

[A]

Man, I've never struggled with that. So I'm going to leave you out on a ledge here. But.

[B]

But he. Did you get to his part in it?

[A]

I mean, he's kind of littering the whole thing, isn't he? I can't remember in the first few scenes with like, drawn on eyebrows and dancing around like a little, like, nymph.

[B]

Right. Almost Marilyn Manson esque.

[A]

Sure. I would have preferred Marilyn Manson in that.

[B]

Oh, I would have loved to see.

[A]

Famously an abuser of. Of yes. FKA Twigs.

[B]

He's. He has some littered past. I mean, legally, we'll have to maybe edit around that, but it seems like he. He's been not a great person.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, my sister was staunchly against the movie for that reason alone.

[B]

Right. And then they've got Jon Voight, who's also an awful human being. Oh, I don't think you made it to John in the movie. I absolutely didn't And I'm sure there are some other. I mean, obviously, the director had a bunch of accusations come out. I don't know that it was a super healthy team working on it.

[A]

Well, and then again, we get back to the real theme of the episode. How did this get made?

[B]

How did this. Well, this we actually know.

[A]

Oh, he did it.

[B]

He spent all of his children's inheritance.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

He sold his share in the wine business.

[A]

Is it that. Was it that important to him?

[B]

I guess. Which to me. You couldn't. I. You couldn't get me to spend $4 on my own project. Like, I'm not financing. Financing Bridger, Weiniger. Not happening. We've gotta trick somebody else into doing this.

[A]

It's so funny. So funny. Wait, is there any truth to that statement?

[B]

Absolutely. I'm so cheap about my own ideas. Like, I'm just like, I can't. If I can get somebody else to find it, like, what's the.

[A]

What's the thing behind that?

[B]

I hate myself.

[A]

Okay. I was gonna get us there in a much more, like, loving way, but, like, that's wild to me. You're so smart and funny and talented.

[B]

That's very sweet. That's very sweet.

[A]

You're, like, not. You don't believe it at all.

[B]

It's the idea of spending money, like, investing in myself. No, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Pass. That is a hurt pass. You have some notes for yourself. You're like, oh, it's not quite universal. Basic.

[B]

Guys, we loved meeting with Bridger, but this particular one is not for us.

[A]

That is so. That's heartbreaking because it's like, I would love to inject a little bit of Francis Ford Coppola, whatever mental illness he has into you.

[B]

We could all probably use a little bit of that. That's what he should have done, is use that money to somehow spread whatever he's got into humanity, the substance in.

[A]

His spine, and inject us with a.

[B]

Little bit of it. Now, you liked the substance?

[A]

I loved the substance.

[B]

Very loud helicopter body horror. Oh.

[A]

In my experience, I bet they won't be able to hear that.

[B]

They will be able to hear.

[A]

They will. Okay. That's a shittier equipment. Because every time I've. In my pods in the past, I've been like, a dumpster or something going by, and I'm like, oh, God, hold on. And then when I re. Listen to it, it's just me going, oh, God, hold on.

[B]

People are like, what's going on?

[A]

But the substance. If you don't know Demi Moore, Margaret Qualley. And it's such like a Tales from the Crypt episode that's been blown up in this beautiful technicolor way. And it was so simple and poignant and, like, I just loved it.

[B]

Let me ask you this. Could 40 minutes have been shed from.

[A]

The movie specifically without any spoilers? The third act dragged for me, which is interesting because it was like the most happening, I think.

[B]

Right. So much is going on.

[A]

But they literally could have cut, I think, 20 minutes from the third act.

[B]

That could have. You basically get what's going on in that act. And we were like, this could have been maybe three scenes. Yes. And then we could have said goodbye.

[A]

I completely agree with that.

[B]

Because you're sitting there having such an entertaining, disgusting time for the first 90 minutes. And it gives that 90 minute energy.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And you're like, oh, it's probably over.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

Because it's like over two hours, I think.

[B]

Well over two hours. Probably 2:20 at least.

[A]

And I think I agree with, first of all, all movies should be 90 minutes.

[B]

That's the theme of this entire podcast.

[A]

Is it really?

[B]

I cannot sit through more than 90 minutes of a movie.

[A]

Honey, if you can't tell your story in 90 minutes, you write a book. Go back to. Yeah. Back to the drawing board. The fact that that Wicked part one is like two and a half hours long.

[B]

I think 2:40.

[A]

And there's a second part.

[B]

There's a second part.

[A]

The Broadway musical is shorter than that. How did you make it longer?

[B]

I don't know. I have no idea.

[A]

I just like, it's. You know what? This is the same thing with me in relationships where I think beautiful short term relationships are dragged into long term relationships.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

Just have a 90 minute relationship where.

[B]

You get all the good stuff.

[A]

Yes. And when it starts to get a little tired, a little rundown, a little dragged out when you're making up plot points or being boring. Snip, snip, snip, bitch.

[B]

Yeah. Roll credits.

[A]

Get out.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

You can have a sequel later. Have a reboot. Have a reboot in five years.

[B]

I mean, I'm Ben and Jan and we've seen how well that's worked out.

[A]

Yeah. Wait, Ben and Jan. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah. I don't.

[B]

Ben and Jan now.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

We're looking forward to that star couple. Is there any celebrity named Jan?

[A]

No, just the Brady.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's the last Jan to exist.

[A]

Jan. Oh, oh. Allison Janney.

[B]

Okay. She probably gets called Jan by close friends. Maybe, like, softball Janie.

[A]

Danny McFanny.

[B]

I would love for you to approach her and call her that.

[A]

Jenny McFanny. Honestly, I think she might respect it.

[B]

Either that or she would, like, you would be laid out on the floor. She would absolutely just knock you out.

[A]

Just, like, throat punch. I imagine she's much taller than me.

[B]

She's a tall person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's statuesque, totally. But, yeah, as far as other Jans go, I have no Jans in my life. I can't name a single character named Jan outside of Jan Brady. I wonder if she really just cursed that name. And our apologies to any Jan listeners.

[A]

I'm okay with offending them.

[B]

Oh, there's Jan. Well, but she's not Jan. Yeah, Jan Jones would be Jan Jones. Interesting.

[A]

She would not be famous. She definitely would have been her next, I can tell you that much.

[B]

Jan Jones. That's way too snappy.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

You want kind of. Yeah. You want. She wouldn't have been Betty Draper.

[A]

No.

[B]

Jan Jones as Betty Draper.

[A]

Jan Jones might have actually been in Mad Men as Jan Jones.

[B]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[A]

I'm Jan Jones.

[B]

See, Jan Jones is like, a, like, lesbian advertiser that comes up against Don, his number one rival, Jan Jones.

[A]

And it's for, like, a feminine hygiene product. And she doesn't get the bill. Like, she doesn't get the job. Like, he's better at talking about periods than Jan Jones. What does Jan Jones know about menstruation?

[B]

If they ever do a movie, Mad Men, the movie, they've got to get a Jan Jones in there.

[A]

How do you feel about series ending with a movie? Because it's happened a few times.

[B]

I think that's a rough way to go.

[A]

I think so, too.

[B]

I don't. It's just not necessary. It's like, because the feeling is, oh, now I just have to watch a long episode of the show. And I never like a long episode of the show. I've been trained to watch 45 minutes, and now I have to watch at.

[A]

Least Formula, like, doesn't work.

[B]

Right. Which ones are you thinking of?

[A]

Didn't Transparent end with, like, a musical movie?

[B]

I believe it.

[A]

I think it did. I didn't watch it. I feel like looking ended with, oh.

[B]

Right, they had a movie or something.

[A]

Maybe. Maybe A, those could both be lies that I've made up in my head. And then B, maybe this is not, like, a thing as much as I thought it was.

[B]

But Breaking Bad had something. Okay, Breaking Bad.

[A]

Now we're getting somewhere. It turns out Even if it does exist, I've never watched one of them.

[B]

Right. So Sopranos had a weird thing. Weird ending that nobody liked. I love the ending.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Oh, that series. I. Perfect.

[A]

I've never watched it.

[B]

Oh, you haven't? It's so funny. It's very funny. Yes.

[A]

Wait, between. I haven't watched Breaking Bad either. Or Game of Thrones.

[B]

Okay. I'm really just trying to avoid cultural convers.

[A]

No, I am. I don't gravitate towards dramas in general.

[B]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[A]

And I tried to watch Game of Thrones with a hot guy that I liked, but I was so confused the whole time. And there's something very unsettling about being confused that, like, I hated. So every at the end of these episodes, I'd have to look at him and be like, like, read his face to tell what was going on.

[B]

My pitch for any historical drama or thing that takes place in the past. The first three episodes, everyone should have a name tag.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Until we've been trained to know what their names are.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

And this also brings me to a question. I've been talking to you non stop. I'm having but one more thing. Do you ever wish you had a straight boyfriend? Sometimes when I'm watching a show like this where, like, I'll try to play a new type of video game, I'm like, I wish I just had a straight boyfriend sitting here telling him what to do.

[A]

Do you mean boyfriend, like we say girlfriend, or do you mean, like, dating a. I wish it was just a.

[B]

Straight man that lived in my house that could tell me, walk me through fixed stuff. Maybe not even fixed stuff, just literally, like straight entertainment.

[A]

Oh, sure. And explain why things are.

[B]

I'm like, I'd like to see why this matters. And I can't. I can't mentally get there. And if someone was just walking me through step by step, sure. But that's unfortunately not a possibility for me.

[A]

I would never let him live in my house. I would let him live in, like, a converted garage in the attic. Yeah. Or like an adu. But no, I don't want the influence of a straight guy in my. In my home. I. I've been talking about on stage how gay guys are just better than straight guys at like, literally everything.

[B]

Sure. I mean, that makes sense.

[A]

Yeah. Except for sports suppressing emotions and murdering women. Straight guys have those three things.

[B]

So on top of it.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Checking every box.

[A]

Couldn't catch up if we tried. I have to kill 90 women today. We each would to Make a dentist to even.

[B]

Just a ripple in the pond.

[A]

Yes. A little pebble. A pebble in the ocean. No, we're not catching up.

[B]

Well, there is something else we do have to talk about, unfortunately. Look, I was looking forward to having you here on the podcast today. I adore you. You know that.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Despite not taking your very hard recommendation for trapping.

[A]

Shut up.

[B]

You were telling me this is Oscar material.

[A]

Oscar the grouch in a garbage can.

[B]

I was looking forward to you being here, so I was. You know, I thought we'd have a great time on. I said no gifts. You knew what the podcast was. I know on the way over, you thought, I'm going to. I said no gifts. So I was a little surprised, maybe a lot surprised, when I saw you kind of wander into my backyard holding what's obviously a gift.

[A]

What? Define gift. Really? Is it a good thing? Because that could be full of cursed objects. And is it really a gift anymore?

[B]

It's a. You know, a gift is the thing we give of ourselves.

[A]

Oh. There's definitely none of that in the box.

[B]

So you brought me a wrapped box?

[A]

I did.

[B]

So you. Okay, so maybe you did follow the rule. You didn't bring a gift. You.

[A]

Yeah, I brought a beautiful box of shit.

[B]

Well, either way, do you think I should open it here on the podcast?

[A]

Yeah, why not?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Right. Or is that dissuaded from.

[B]

You know. I'm willing to do it this one time.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Okay.

[B]

Okay. So it's in this beautiful.

[A]

Oh, you know. Okay. Bridger just threw it to the ground.

[B]

Well, I'm angry.

[A]

Despite all of the. Obviously, the signs that I ignored about not bringing gifts, I got into it because I think I'm of the age where I'm like, I. I'm excited to, like, wrap a thing, you know?

[B]

You wrapped it beautifully.

[A]

I mean, the tape's on the outside, and you can see it's so much.

[B]

Better than I could do.

[A]

I have a. Well, I believe that. But. But I. I will say it's old. It's old gift wrap that I got from, like, an old person's basement. Oh. When they were, like, when you were around.

[B]

Whatever you want.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Show me where the gift wrap is.

[A]

Here's a great tip. Old people are the easiest to rob. No, but he was like, take whatever you want from the basement. And there was all these, like, beautiful old. Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah. It's really gorgeous. Yeah. There will be a picture of this on the Instagram.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Queen stunning. Yeah. And then there's a card on Top.

[A]

And I did a card. I'm also of the age where, when I travel, I love getting cards.

[B]

Like, local cards?

[A]

Yes, like local artist cards.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And for any. Any, like, Any, like, occasion. So, like, I just. And it's so funny because it's like, oh, my God, I'm becoming the loser adult that I, like, make fun of.

[B]

There's this weird old guy.

[A]

Yeah, Mom. He has a box of cards. Why? And now I'm like, I have a card for this.

[B]

I've acquired enough goods that I have to give them away. Okay, I'm gonna open this up. Okay. Oh, this is very cute. It's two little rabbits. And it says. One says, there's a land not far away from here where rabbits live in harmony with all other creatures. And then the other rabbit says, that's a complete load of shit and you know it.

[A]

Okay. I didn't realize you were gonna open the card. I'm a firm believer in tell me what to do. All cards should have money. So I put a $5 bill in the card.

[B]

This is such a beautiful thing. I haven't opened a card with $5 for such a long time. Right.

[A]

But remember, when you get cards from your grandma, you shake it and be like, come on, bitch, where's the dough? And I say bitch in the loving.

[B]

Like, gay way we all call our grandmas bitch. She opens the door with a plate of cookies and like, hey, bitch.

[A]

Yeah, bitch.

[B]

Wow. To see a five dollar bill in a gift card. I mean, this has really thrown me into a tizzy. This is elementary school.

[A]

Yeah. And with inflation, I know $5 is.

[B]

It's essentially worth throwing this away now. Throwing this in the gar.

[A]

I. What if I put, like, three quarters in it?

[B]

I'm telling you, I. $5 to me is still like, oh, that's. That's a spend. Yeah, I have. I have a serious mental problem where quarters. Anything. I'm. I cannot spend money.

[A]

Oh, oh, you save. Yeah, I do.

[B]

$5. This is, you know, this is worth something. No, it's absolutely worth.

[A]

Again, I will pick. I will bend down to pick up a quarter.

[B]

Quarters, certainly.

[A]

I think. I mean, I guess I might die for a while, but quarters are juicy to me. Oh, yeah. Quarter is like freedom. It's kind of like, this will get me a gumball.

[B]

A meter. Oh, a meter in a city full of broken meters. When I'm like, you can't see the screen for the credit card sometimes I'm like, if only had a quarter right now.

[A]

You hit on something, I would have never thought of but yes. When the screen is cracked it's infuriating. I'm like, like is it. Is it paid?

[B]

I think if the screen is cracked you shouldn't have to put anything in there. It's the city's problem. You should have take if you want my money so much. Treat me like a person.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Treat me like a meter.

[A]

I'm pretty sure the. The meters in Glendale are only coin operated still.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How old fashioned.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Good for them. Evil that feels passed. Oh, Pasadena has an actual actually worse situation where it's only quarters or the app.

[A]

Oh, that's sick.

[B]

No one should sick ever have to download an app for parking.

[A]

Okay. The only way I'm on board is if you can refill the. If you can recharge it from wherever you are. I think you can see running back to a meter to put more time in it is just entirely abusive.

[B]

But it's also a good excuse for a break in the conversation. Agreed.

[A]

Agreed.

[B]

Or to leave.

[A]

Oh, my meter's almost up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I don't want to be here anymore.

[B]

I set it for a half hour for this two hour dinner because I hate you and gotta get out of here boy. But the card says thank you for having me on your wonderful show. Oh, that's very sweet. I apologize for bringing a gift. Love sack. No way. Towers. I cannot believe I have $5. This is gonna. I mean it's gonna ruin my week trying to think of how do I spend $5.

[A]

Is this the only way to buy a home in Los Angeles?

[B]

Truly? Yes.

[A]

I love though I grew up really pretty poor and so I am a saver and seeing money go up in my like savings or whatever brings me true joy.

[B]

It does bring. There's some weird security thing or something where you're like. Like. I mean it is probably unhealthy in ways but like for me I'm like this is. I just have the safety net has to be as much of a safety net as possible.

[A]

And it's not weird at all. Like cash is king. Like you need money to breathe but live.

[B]

But I feel like there's gotta be an in between. For me it's, you know, it is paralyzing sometimes.

[A]

I'll let you know when I reach that amount in my bank account.

[B]

Yeah. To get to a point where you're not thinking about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wonder what number that is.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I actually think I was talking to somebody about this and their number was so much higher than mine.

[A]

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Every time I think I'm making money, I talk to a friend who's making, like, four times what I'm making, and I'm like, mother, they're moving the goalposts on me. Like, I passed what my parents make a long time. Like, a bit ago.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Which. And then it's like, if you're making more than your parents, who are supposed to be the richest people in your life, of course, anyway, then it should.

[B]

Feel like, oh, I've. I've done made it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pushed the family to a new level. But, yeah. There's something about. Yeah. Growing up, like, having to save money that really locks into your brain.

[A]

Financial insecurity.

[B]

And then working in an industry that's so fickle. Hell on earth. Right. Right. Okay. I'm gonna open the gift now.

[A]

Okay. I didn't make it easy either, really, because you might need, like, a key.

[B]

No.

[A]

Not, like there's a lock on it, but, like, there's, like, a packing, you know? Right.

[B]

So we're gonna see how strong my fingers are.

[A]

We all know it's not very.

[B]

The weakest, weakest fingers in Hollywood.

[A]

They all bend backwards and, like, snap.

[B]

Just disgusting. People refuse to go to dinner with.

[A]

Me while you're unwrapping. I do want to advocate for the best scary movie I've seen in a long time. Oddity.

[B]

Oh, I haven't even heard of this.

[A]

It's Irish, I think. Scary movie. It's twin sisters. One dies, and the other goes to the house where it happened to figure out what happened to her. That sister, though, is blind, but when she touches an object, she can, like, feel the history of the object.

[B]

Oh, it is.

[A]

I saw it twice in theaters.

[B]

Is it streaming now?

[A]

I believe it is streaming now.

[B]

This sounds amazing.

[A]

It might be a rental. I think it's one of those things where it's on shudder for free. So if you have Shudder, which is a horror streaming. But if it's on prime as well. But maybe for a rental fee. But maybe by October 31st, it'll be like.

[B]

Yeah. They want to get into the spirit.

[A]

I can't recommend enough, and I would actually say spend the 15 if it costs.

[B]

That sounds great. Irish people know how to do spooky stuff. Well.

[A]

Because they live without sunlight.

[B]

Yes. And constantly died of rain.

[A]

Yeah, sure. Potatoes and beer. I don't know. I only. Stereotypes. Yes, yes. Homes built from the earth.

[B]

No, I. A while ago, I was looking up, like, Irish spirits or something. I think I Googled Banshee just being like, what exactly is this. And then it led to this rabbit hole of the amount of the different spirits they have. Ooh, they've really gone for it.

[A]

You also jogged a memory of. They are all about fairies and changelings. There's a great changeling movie called the. The Hollows. Oh, anyway. Another one.

[B]

Wow. Fantastic. Okay, Those are. So now we're getting into good recommendations. We're making up. I haven't done any of the work yet, but hopefully I'll get there.

[A]

It's okay. It's all in your time.

[B]

It's all my time. This is gonna be very long. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. I don't think you're gonna get through it.

[B]

I'm gonna get through it.

[A]

Okay. I have no faith in my friends. I'm like, look at this. He's not faced much adversity. This tape. Oh, he really. Okay. He flew through a raccoon. Okay.

[B]

Okay. Oh, okay.

[A]

So the. The first item.

[B]

Wow. The surprise feelings you're giving me on this podcast today are so great.

[A]

Really? Yeah.

[B]

I'm looking at. Should I say or do you want to say?

[A]

Yeah, you're gonna use it.

[B]

Some beautiful cookies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know how much I like cookies.

[A]

Okay, good. Yeah, I. I remember that I baked yesterday. And these are pan banging cookies.

[B]

Sarah Keefer.

[A]

Yes. So you. You bang the pan or whatever. Yes, I did in fact, forget to bang the pan until it was much too late in the process. So they're just kind of flat cookies.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But people love them.

[B]

They look amazing. Was this your first time making them?

[A]

No, I make them a lot.

[B]

Okay. I make them a lot, too. I actually got her. What do you call that? A cookie book. You don't call a baking book a cookbook, do you? Oh, that would be a very interesting question. Yeah, I probably would, but it doesn't make any sense to me.

[A]

Well, isn't cooking just anything with heat in a kitchen?

[B]

Yeah. No, Cooking and baking are two different things.

[A]

But it's not a bake book.

[B]

Although I like that bake book. Maybe too cutesy. Maybe that's a recipe book. Recipe book.

[A]

Either way, I would have accepted. Accepted cookbook, but again, I don't think that much.

[B]

Should we try these right now?

[A]

Oh, my God. Go for it, please, both of you.

[B]

Oh, I should have some too. Just a pinch.

[A]

Oh, sure, sure.

[B]

I'm not gonna eat in front of you.

[A]

I also a hack for this is because they.

[B]

They're kind of big and the way you wrapped them.

[A]

Okay, so this is also.

[B]

We have to take a picture of.

[A]

This is the thing I Needed. I've been making them for a while. I haven't figured out how to make them perfect circles, so I made them little tin foil things. These bitches went over the sides of them so they couldn't even be tamed by the foil. They just crawled out.

[B]

I've never seen this before.

[A]

Well, it doesn't work. So that's why.

[B]

Yeah. You've basically made little pie tins for each of them, which, like. Yeah, this is so interesting. I mean, this could be a new. Maybe Sara Kieffer's gonna rip you off.

[A]

Oh, I would love to be ripped off. Yeah, they're good.

[B]

That's very good.

[A]

Yes. The hack that I've experienced is putting little balls of it in mini muffin tins, and then they make little cookie cups that are very easy to pop and share.

[B]

Right. You're a big baker.

[A]

I'm not a big. I have this horrible reputation for being a baker, and I'm not. I make, like, three things and TikTok recipes, but I would never. If and there are any bakers listening, I'm going. The record of saying, I'm not a baker, I'm someone who puts ingredients together in their kitchen.

[B]

That's kind of where I think I fall on that side as well, where I do bake constantly, but it's a very limited amount of things.

[A]

Absolutely. It's like when I. Before I called myself a comedian, I respected the title too much that I didn't want to refer to myself as a comedian. I was like, I'm pursuing a career in comedy now. I'm like, I'm a fucking comedian. But, like. Like, I am nowhere near there with baking.

[B]

Yes. That's exactly how I feel. I. And I don't think I'll ever get there because I don't have that much interest in baking beyond what I do.

[A]

No.

[B]

Just cookies.

[A]

No. I don't even understand how things work. Like baking soda versus baking powder.

[B]

Right. Like what? Like, if I put more of this in, what would it do?

[A]

A fourth of a teaspoon makes this thing exist. No, I'm like a flat earther. I'm like, that doesn't. That's not real. There's nothing in there.

[B]

There's nothing else in here.

[A]

There is another thing.

[B]

Oh, okay. Okay, let's.

[A]

Oh, it's a can of what I'm drinking. And I brought them two of my favorite things in a peppermint packet.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Well, it was cold, so I didn't want it to sweat.

[B]

Oh, and get the cookies wet. Smart.

[A]

But I am one of the many awesome people addicted to Celsius energy drinks. And Celsius really has me by the throat because they keep releasing new flavors, and so it becomes a thrill to, like, see what new flavors is. They have a cherry cola.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And it's incredible.

[B]

Should I try it now?

[A]

Do you like energy drinks?

[B]

I do love energy drinks. This is the current dilemma I'm up against. I just drank a cold brew about half an hour ago.

[A]

Yeah, but you drink caffeine all the time.

[B]

I just don't. I'd like to drink the whole thing at once.

[A]

Oh, then save it.

[B]

But I want to try. I'm going to try it. I have to try it.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

If I like it enough, I'll get another at some point. I order them a taste test.

[A]

Yes, please. I order these. They have 10 calories each. They really do a lot with those 10 calories, too, because it is so flavorful. I don't know if it pairs well.

[B]

With the cookie, but the cookie was gone far enough that I was able to taste this.

[A]

Okay. It's like. I mean, if you like.

[B]

It's very good. It's just like cherry cola.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Wow. That's wonderful.

[A]

I know. And it has 200 milligrams of caffeine, plus a lot of vitamins that your body probably doesn't even need. But I. I love Celsius. Celsius is watching. You know, of course I'm open to brand partnerships.

[B]

I. I feel like I was a very early, and not by choice, early Celsius adopter.

[A]

Really?

[B]

In 2014, when I was working at Jimmy Kimmel, for whatever reason, some of them. I think they must have sent them to the office or whatever. I was the only person drinking these things, and I felt insane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then it seemed like they went away for a while. Maybe they almost went out of business. Let's. Let's give them a story.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

They only.

[A]

It'll be better than Trap. The Celsius origin story, I promise, is more interesting than Trap, the major motion picture.

[B]

So they basically almost went out of business, according to me.

[A]

Did you see the Raw. Did they have a different look to them?

[B]

They did used to have a.

[A]

Like, a hideous label.

[B]

It felt like. Yeah, you had a very bad label. And it almost felt like it was. This still says Burns body fat, but it felt like that it was really like trying to market itself as fen phen.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And so this feels like it's. This must be part of it where that you can walk around not embarrassed drinking.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

When did this take off and who?

[A]

I've been drinking them for probably three years, but I feel like about five years ago they became a staple of CrossFit gyms. And at least in Los Angeles, California, everyone is addicted to CrossFit. Or we all know someone afflicted by CrossFit who has hurt themselves so badly doing it, waits to heal, to get right back in there. And I'm like, but they, they drink it for sports. I drink it to just feel alive because I don't have any other vices really.

[B]

Do you, do you drink coffee at all?

[A]

Yeah, but I know coffee doesn't agree with me. I'm an espresso boy and it makes me, of course, so high. I look forward to that first sip.

[B]

Feeling, of course, Starbucks.

[A]

And I me, I immediately, I would say within an hour and a half, crash or feel jittery or nauseous or like, need to lie down.

[B]

Oh, wow, what an effect.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm a delicate little flower.

[B]

I am able to consume a lot of caffeine. I think my body chemistry is bad where it's like, it's truly so necessary for sure. Me to be loaded on caffeine to just operate like a regular person.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

It's not just like, oh, I need my coffee.

[A]

It's like, no, no, no.

[B]

Like I just, I am a bad person. And so I'm consuming a lot of caffeine throughout the day, well into the night. But I kind of stepped down at night. I can only drink soda. Caffeine.

[A]

Oh yeah. I mean soda.

[B]

I mean, I'm drinking a lot of Diet Coke.

[A]

I don't dare Diet Coke to try anything on me. You're not Diet Coke. I could have a Diet Coke next to my bed and sip it throughout the night. I could get up to pee, drink half the Diet Coke, go right back to sleep.

[B]

I think there's a photo that Elon Musk posted of his nightstand has a Diet Coke and a gun on it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Goals. I mean, disgusting person.

[A]

Does any part of you want to get a gun?

[B]

Absolutely not.

[A]

I do.

[B]

You do?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would like to have like a taser or one of those like orange guns that shoots kind of a non lethal bullet.

[A]

Oh no, I don't want to because I am defensive. Yeah.

[B]

If you want a full on gun.

[A]

What kind of gun? Like a cute one, small, that probably wouldn't kill you, especially with my aim. But like I'm just like, I refuse to be caught with my pants down if someone comes to try to hurt me.

[B]

So you're looking for a cute accessory. Dangerous accessory.

[A]

Yes. Like Bond Girl. Like on my.

[B]

Totally on your thigh. Yes.

[A]

I also think like people. As a rule, I want more people to walk around with the assumption that girls. Gays, and they have a lethal weapon on them.

[B]

Oh, that's a great. Yeah. Whether it's true or not.

[A]

Yes. And see how people treat people. That.

[B]

How we should start spreading that myth.

[A]

Right. That's what I'm saying. And I'll start it with a fact that I'm armed and jumpy because I drink Celsius.

[B]

So you just have to shoot one person.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

And that was really bad. So much good.

[A]

And it has to be like.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Like he was well within his rights to shoot this person.

[B]

Of course. It's very cut and dry. Your life was absolutely in danger.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you took care of it.

[A]

I didn't. Good. Brad startled me, and he'll never startle anyone again.

[B]

Startled. That's the justification in court while he was startled.

[A]

Scare me.

[B]

I jumped.

[A]

I jumped.

[B]

I would like to have something strapped to my thigh at all times.

[A]

Preach.

[B]

I've got to think. Think of other things that aren't guns.

[A]

Maybe a knife or a crossbow. Always on your back. My girlfriend Kelsey has a switchblade.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

That she loves to bring with her. And then get in my spaces.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So she'll text me and be like, I left my knife in your glove compartment. I'm like, mother, she's trying to frame you. She's truly. She just says add really bad. But she'll be like, oh, I think I left my knife in your. Like, in your office. I'm like, great. I hope. I can't wait for my cleaning person to stumble upon a switchblade.

[B]

Report you to the police.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, what's she doing with her switchblade? Just. Just self defense.

[A]

Yeah. She also has a gun, though. She got broken into her hus. Got broken into like three times in, like, in like 15 days.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Same person. It was kind of someone who obviously needed more access to mental health care.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But like, this dude kicked in her back door.

[B]

Oh. Yeah.

[A]

And so she has a gun that she has, like, with a lock code and stuff. But, like, since then, she got swatted by someone. So, like, in the middle of the night. Helicopter.

[B]

Police.

[A]

Get out of the. Get out of the house. Get out of the house. And like, these people, they got to fall.

[B]

This.

[A]

Is this worthy.

[B]

Absolutely. You're talking about somebody's house being surrounded by helicopters and.

[A]

Yeah. And it's so exciting. Crazy. Because so her boyfriend came down first. They were, get out of here, get it. Come out of the house. They handcuff him, put him in a cop car. She comes down, she's naked. She has all this on like ring camera footage.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And she's like, hold on, I took my dog away. She's like, I do have a gun. She's telling to them she didn't know was up, put it down. Anyway, someone had called in that he had just this person who called in said, I just killed my wife.

[B]

Oh my God, what's wrong with people?

[A]

And I'm going to kill myself. And that's what the cops were coming into knowing.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then of course, her boyfriend was the first person to come out. I know. And she has this dog that who's. He's Instagram famous. And she was afraid they were gonna like shoot her dog. She's like, her dog's like barking like crazy and stuff.

[B]

Anyway, so was this someone out to get her or is just a random thing?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

People are. We've just, I mean, wild. Shut it all down. Yeah, shut it all down.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Wow. Yeah. I mean, if someone were to break into your house, do you truly think you'd have the wherewithal to get the gun and aim it and take care of business?

[A]

I would hope so.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I, you know, you know what my real honest to God fear is? I am a sleepwalker and talker.

[B]

Oh boy.

[A]

And so I'm terrified I would get it in my sleep right as old as time. Shoot something.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That's kind of my. That's part of my reasoning of not having, like. I just shouldn't be trusted with a weapon in any situation. Even if you sent me to war, you'd be like, let's not give him any of the weapons.

[A]

Let's put him behind a typewriter.

[B]

Let him just march into battle.

[A]

Have him train the pigeons that we send messages.

[B]

Oh, dream job.

[A]

I know. Oh, we should bring back carrier pigeons.

[B]

That feels like it could become a trend.

[A]

Definitely.

[B]

Somebody's just got to do it once on TikTok.

[A]

Oh, some hipster.

[B]

And then we'll be.

[A]

Is doing that right now.

[B]

Train pigeons. Yeah. They must still. That must still happen somewhere.

[A]

Same thing.

[B]

I mean, we didn't just give up here.

[A]

Pigeon just got a medal of honor.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And it's still a lot for helping. I mean, recently, it like recently carried information from one place to another.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

But again, I. I ingest TikToks. And I just take what I like and I spread it as gospel.

[B]

There is so much false information on.

[A]

That platform, but usually it's kind of like innocent.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like me telling, saying that a pigeon got a medal of honor.

[B]

That's a great.

[A]

A beautiful made up story.

[B]

Right. And then everyone just respects pigeons a little more.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

And they are so trodden upon.

[A]

They really are.

[B]

And you know, pigeons are an intellectual. Do pigeons live in the wild? Like, do they live in like a forest?

[A]

So I heard there is actually a really sad plight of pigeons. Like they were bred as like pets and then turn their back on and so they have no discernible skills as like birds.

[B]

Wow. That kind of makes sense as to why they're only in areas with people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I can't imagine coming upon a pigeon in the middle of national park.

[A]

You know, I feel like they're adjacent to the dodo bird, to be honest. Like they move a little too late.

[B]

Right. They're just kind of not great at being a bird.

[A]

Have you seen, I mean, the pigeons of New York are just the, the most weathered creatures I've ever seen. Some of them have eye patches, little pains, one leg. And somehow it's like getting along just as good as the other ones. I'm like, what is going on?

[B]

They're tough. They're tough. They've learned to live in the streets.

[A]

They've tier tattoos, eyes coming from their little eyes.

[B]

I'll carry a switchblade.

[A]

Pure speak. I've seen some.

[B]

Would you ever own a bird?

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. Bird ownership is a tough one for me to do.

[A]

You own animals? Oh, you have a dog?

[B]

We had a pet. A dog.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

There's something to apologize for.

[A]

How has that been like the grieving process?

[B]

Horrible.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[B]

You know, it's been. I don't want to bum anybody out, but it's been. It's opened a lot of my brain to new the world and what life experiences is. And obviously there's been a lot of beauty in it, but it's also devastating. So devastating and so unpredictable. And it doesn't. It gets easier in some ways and in other ways it's just like, well, this is a pain that will just be part of my life forever. And that it's because I cared about. About something, someone. But that's why we don't own. We don't have any pets right now. I'm still in a state where I'm like, emotionally, it's not. I'm not quite In a place to have an animal in the house.

[A]

Maybe you'll foster at some point.

[B]

I think we'll definitely have another dog at some point. I think it's so weird not to have a dog. The house is so quiet. But, you know, dogs are just like, they are.

[A]

Are brilliant. And I. This is old information, but they anchor you to the present. Like, a dog is nowhere but the present. Like the fact that you can actually step on its tail and 30 seconds later it's, like, completely forgotten.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's so happy to be there. It's like. And I. You can't be up when. When that happiness, like, is taken from you. Like.

[B]

Oh, it's. Yeah. Unlike anything I've ever. And nobody can prepare you for it.

[A]

No.

[B]

You see other people grieving animals, you're like, oh, that. Yeah, it must be kind of sad. And then it happens to you and it's another universe. You don't have any pets right now, do you?

[A]

No. I fostered and my ex wound up adopting and that dog and revenge adopting. No, in a beautiful way that I thought I was going to be able to adopt the dog. And then I found out very quickly. I tour, like, I'm on the road all the time and he was always at the ex's house. So thankfully, the ex was an introvert. He. It was a beautiful pairing. I think, if anything, I did my part in, like, bringing them together.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But, like. Like, it was so hard for me to love this thing and then not, like, when I was out of town. I was thinking about it all. Of course, it's. It's wild.

[B]

Yeah. And you can't talk to it on the phone. There's nothing you can do. You're just fully separated. What kind of dog was it?

[A]

A little mutt. Like a little. He was a kind of like a Corgi Chihuahua.

[B]

Oh, very cute.

[A]

Loved other dogs. Very distrusting of people, which is an amazing instinct.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Yeah. But he's so cute. His name's Peanut and he lives in Kentucky and I'm hopefully going to see him when I'm on tour this fall.

[B]

Oh, that's very sweet. Yeah. It's hard when you're again in this horrible industry and everything, you're moving and leaving all the time to have an animal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Unless you have the resources to carry it on a plane everywhere you go.

[A]

Or a partner.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

God forbid. That would be at home with it.

[B]

Right. Or a real good friend that likes to stay at your house. Yes. But even then it's a little tricky.

[A]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[B]

And I don't know. Birds. Yeah. Gan. When you leave the house and a.

[A]

Bird'S there, I wouldn't feel very bad about the bird, I don't think. I'm sure they're brilliant creatures, but I don't think of them as, like, being well rounded or like. Or like missing me for whatever reason.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like the bird would never care about me.

[A]

No.

[B]

I think that's probably part of the problem.

[A]

Totally. I assume it would always be trying to get away if I had to. If I had to.

[B]

Yes. You're prisoner.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Birds are only prisoners.

[A]

You can't.

[B]

I have a prisoner bird. Not. I have a pet bird.

[A]

The fact that people clip their wings.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So they cannot do what they're dying to do.

[B]

Right. Yeah. I think we've kind of just solved a big part of life in the modern world. Birds are prisoners.

[A]

Birds are prisoners.

[B]

They're either street thugs or prisoners. Otherwise. Yeah. Do you have one in a cage near home? No, no, no. That's dark and they're throwing the seed on the floor.

[A]

I don't think I believe in having any pet that you have to have in a cage or box of some sort.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

So no snakes, right? No, I don't. My friend has a bunny. I'm. I'm like this. That's weird. I find it so. Have you looked into a bunny's eyes? Soulless creatures. There is nothing behind a bunny's eyes. Nothing.

[B]

A lot of people really love their bunnies.

[A]

Well, good for those freaks. I'm kidding. Yeah. I just. I personally don't see any soul there.

[B]

I feel like a rabbit or a bunny is too fragile of a creature to have in the house. I'm always like. I would step on it and then it'd be over, of course. And there's so fast moving and, you know, one darts under my heel.

[A]

A bunny. A bunny isn't like you. I. Maybe I'm wrong. You don't come home from a long day and the bunny, like, hops up to you and gets on your lap and, like, nuzzles you.

[B]

I'm sure.

[A]

You chase it down and then it bites you. And then you're like, hey, stop. Hey. And then it, like, calms down.

[B]

I guess you're just talking about, like, one wild animal that you've experienced. I'm sure there are all these rabbit listeners. Like, I've got mine trained. It talks. It can open doors.

[A]

Totally. You know what deranged thing I've been doing lately? What is lately? For Two years I've been feeding the squirrels in the courtyard of my building.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So now they come up to my screen door and like put their paws on it. I know, so sweet. And I'll, I have like a thing of mixed nuts by my door. So I'll put a handful in the lid and I'll sit out there with the lid in front of me and they'll come up, have a peanut, eat it, it come up, get another one, eat it, run away. One crawled up the screen door once.

[B]

Now this is crossing a boundary for me.

[A]

No, I want them to come inside my house so bad. I'm like, bring your little diseased ass in here. Give me typhoid. I know. I'm like, I need one of them though, to like jump on my shoulder at some point or I'm going to stop feeding them cuz I'm not getting my full Disney princess story.

[B]

I think that's well within your reach. I really think that like, oh, squirrels can be trained.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Most of them are hungry. They're going through the garbage. And you're providing a fresh store bought nut.

[A]

Oh my God. Lightly, lightly roasted and salted.

[B]

Yes. They're putty in your hands.

[A]

They have never experienced. I'm like the Cheesecake Factory for these bitches.

[B]

And the rest of your neighbors are like, there is a squirrel infestation.

[A]

No, I'll help. You know the gays that live above me also feeding these squirrels.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

So we've created a real sick environment. It's like a methadone clinic for squirrels.

[B]

As long as there are no rats.

[A]

I don't bring rats. Anything with fur doesn't bother me.

[B]

But the tail is cuddle with a possum. A possum. Now a possum terrifies me. Although I, I mean over. You know, it used to be probably my number one most feared thing. But I've realized that they're so unbelievably safe to be around.

[A]

And scared. They're very scared.

[B]

They're so afraid.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I do think that they look like they've existed before. Earth.

[A]

Earth. They do look subterranean.

[B]

Yeah. There is something truly from a portal about them.

[A]

Yeah. Or like when you say mole people. I'm oddly picturing a possum.

[B]

Yeah, of course. Just on its hind legs and the.

[A]

Light always catches their eyes and it's like.

[B]

And the teeth, I mean the teeth are far too long.

[A]

Raccoons, one of the cutest animals in the world.

[B]

Unbelievably dangerous.

[A]

I don't care.

[B]

I have One that comes and dig. Several that digitized. Dig up this garden constantly. They're looking for something and I don't know what it is.

[A]

They buried a body. They're trying to move it.

[B]

We've got to get this out of here before the cops.

[A]

I want to be like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds with a group of raccoons, teaching them poetry, teaching them whatever. How to throw rocks.

[B]

That's a great movie.

[A]

I think so too.

[B]

Maybe with Michelle Pfeiffer.

[A]

Oh, my. As one of the raccoons dressed.

[B]

It's not a cgi.

[A]

Real raccoons and then Michelle Pfeiffer. You don't care about us.

[B]

I've never seen Dangerous Minds.

[A]

I've seen the trailer.

[B]

Of course. It had a very. Quite an impact on me as a kid.

[A]

Yes. It's very. I mean, it's probably definition White Savior, of course, but like, it's her and getting more like street, whatever that means to connect.

[B]

She's got Coolio playing. Yes.

[A]

Oh, my God. That was Gangster's Paradise.

[B]

Gangster's Paradise.

[A]

Wow. I bet that's a very painful re. Watch.

[B]

No question.

[A]

Or for us.

[B]

Watch. Watch. Yeah, there's. I cannot imagine that's aged very well, but maybe it has. Maybe we're underestimating it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, is there anything left to say about Celsius? I'm gonna take another sip.

[A]

Oh, Celsius. I just like.

[B]

Delicious.

[A]

There's all these, like, tick tocks of, like, girls having panic attacks having drank a Celsius. And I like, haven't gotten there yet, but maybe I aspire to. I just like. Yeah, I love that caffeine thrill.

[B]

Oh, right. I remember. Can you remember the first time you had an energy drink? I have a very specific memory because of the way I grew up.

[A]

Mine was probably a vodka Red Bull when I was a teenager and there were all these reports saying it'll make your heart explode or something. And I was like, I dare you to explode my heart. And I.

[B]

Well, let's see, let's see.

[A]

What's yours?

[B]

Mine? I mean, mine's similar. There was no vodka involved, but I was in. It must have been like a junior in high school. And for whatever reason, we were at the grocery store and I thought, I need energy. And there was. Red Bull was pretty new. I was like, am I going to try it? I'm going to try it. I tried it and then I was scared for 24 hours.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I felt like I had broken some sort of Mormon rule. And I thought my Heart's going to explode. My hormones.

[A]

You did?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You broke a big one.

[B]

Well, actually, caffeine. This is something I've had to clarify a lot recently, actually. I think because Mormons are so in the culture, most Mormons will drink caffeine, soda.

[A]

But not coffee.

[B]

But not coffee or tea. They go strictly for the most unhealthy version of caffeine.

[A]

That's so interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You think coffee and tea would be the okay ones, right?

[B]

Like the more natural.

[A]

Yes. From the earth. God obviously gave this.

[B]

Yes, yes. No, it's the opposite. You can have a diet Mountain Dew. And I think at this point, most people would, like, drink a Red Bull.

[A]

Wait, what's. But I need to know the loophole because I am so sick of, like, religious people, like, having rules, but then they don't apply to them. Exactly. Like, I'm just curious.

[B]

It is interesting. I think that that loophole has just kind of always existed. For whatever reason. They basically, their, like scripture, I believe, just says, no hot drinks, which then gets. Which gets confusing because they drink hot chocolate and apple cider.

[A]

I walk out of all the subjects that we embark on. Yeah. I'm like, I'm.

[B]

I can't be on this planet anymore.

[A]

Unpuck my mic that I'm not wearing. You're like, where do you get that laugh?

[B]

There's a boom mic over you. Okay, boys, let's get out of here.

[A]

I'm done. I'm done.

[B]

You have a whole crew. Union crew. For some reason, this episode costed $50,000. No, they can drink those two hot drinks, but not coffee and not iced tea.

[A]

What are they doing?

[B]

But the picture is no hot drinks. But they have kind of decided that means coffee or tea in any form. And then even like coffee ice cream if you.

[A]

Oh, my God. I'm like beyond annoyed right now. They're like. And no drugs. But meth on the high holy day is okay.

[B]

Yeah. There's a lot of flexibility where you're like, I'm not quite sure how this gymnastics is being done, but I can't.

[A]

Express how much that bothers me. I can't.

[B]

You feel like you should say, if this is your religion, just you have to do the religion.

[A]

Yeah. Especially when people start imposing their things on other people. Not saying Mormons do that, but it's just like. It's just. It's hypocrisy.

[B]

Of course. I mean, and it's so annoying. I'm gonna blow your mind right now. There is some hypocrisy in religion. Religion. What?

[A]

No.

[B]

There is an interesting thing within Mormonism that's been happening that I've noticed recently that, like, I think as people have become more aware of the world and you know, what the religion is or whatever, people will stick to the religion, but are still are starting to do more of like, the cafeteria Catholic thing where you just pick which parts of it you like. But Mormon, excuse me, Mormonism in particular, is so, like, you should. By the book, God has brought religion back and we should follow every detail of this. So it feels like a weird religion to be in and then be picking and choosing. Yeah, it's like.

[A]

It's like, no, our whole thing is being staunch.

[B]

Right. Like, these are the rule. The new rules. Follow them. So, yeah, I don't know. I guess it's a comfort thing. I don't know. It's. But that's a. I have to. I'm just trying to go on record in as many places as possible. Mormons. Most Mormons will drink caffeine. Caffeine, except for it has to come from a fountain.

[A]

I hope they enjoy hell.

[B]

There are going to be very few Mormons that actually make it.

[A]

Could you imagine if they get. If they are in limbo and they're like, yeah, we have you drinking 18 gallons of diet Coke throughout the course of your life Monday. So bye. Bye. A trapdoor is go.

[B]

I mean, have you watched Secret Lives of Mormon Wives or Real Housewives of Salt Lake City?

[A]

I don't really do much reality tv, if I'm being honest.

[B]

There's a lot of soda consumption.

[A]

Yeah, of course there is. Live a little. God, have a Celsius.

[B]

Do you ever tour through Salt Lake City?

[A]

I have done a show there, like, opening for someone.

[B]

Okay, next time you're there.

[A]

Fine. Audiences.

[B]

I've heard there are good audiences in Utah, I think, because there's. There aren't that many services of entertainment.

[A]

You know what's bonkers that I've realized from touring? If you bring up Utah in other places, a lot of people boo.

[B]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

And it's actually befuddled me.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, in what context are you bringing up Utah? Doesn't the state suck? Why aren't you clapping?

[A]

No, it's. Honestly, I've been opening for bigger comics in, like, bigger venues, and the bigger comic will be like, we were in Utah last week.

[B]

Boo.

[A]

And I only bring this up because it has happened enough times for me to clock it, which is just weird.

[B]

Well, it does have a bit of a reputation that's a little bit earned. I mean, I love the state and I love a lot of the people there, but, like, there are certain things that I would boo. Maybe not as an audience member.

[A]

Sure. But if other audience members were booing, would you do it?

[B]

I'd go with the crowd, of course.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd stone Utah. You just would be the first one to throw.

[B]

No, but having grown up in Utah and it's such a butt of so many jokes, I'm very sensitive to. To other states being like, New Jersey, I'm like, leave. Leave New Jersey alone. Leave all state. They've all got something decent about them.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, even Florida, it's like going over to your dad's or your stepdad's house.

[B]

Like, right.

[A]

You can do anything here. I'm not gonna tell Mom. Like, you actually don't have to wear shoes.

[B]

And then you think about all of the good, normal people that are trapped in really bad places, and you're like, oh, that's gotta suck to be the butt of the joke. And you're not in on the horror. Horror.

[A]

Yeah. I always. I guess everyone has their unique, like, situation, but it's like, leave.

[B]

That's not a possibility for everyone's sake.

[A]

Is it not?

[B]

No. I mean, I barely made it out.

[A]

I guess so I just, like. Yeah, I mean, I left. It wasn't easy. I shared a bedroom. I shared a studio apartment. But, like, I knew I wanted to be in la, Right. And I, like, just made it work.

[B]

But other places do have the things that I think people want to. They do have good qualities.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean, I can't imagine living anywhere else at this point. But I've been here for 14 years. Like, I would wither anywhere else.

[A]

16.

[B]

16. It feels like one long week.

[A]

It feels like vacation.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It still feels like vacation.

[B]

Because the lack of seasons really does alter your sense of time.

[A]

Throws. It throws you.

[B]

It's probably why everyone here goes in season.

[A]

Yeah. In a beautiful way.

[B]

In a beautiful way.

[A]

But everyone has Botox, so you can't really tell how crazy they are. It's all simmering beneath the surface. Like, no, I've been making a scream face for, like, 10 years. I just can't reflect that.

[B]

And then you get to the point where you're dropping snakes from the ceiling.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And torturing your employees.

[A]

I've said this before. I cannot wait to see what type of monster I evolve into. Oh, when I, like, get those big fat checks.

[B]

You wouldn't evolve into a monster. There's no way I might. No, no, no, no.

[A]

Give me space.

[B]

I think that you would be okay. I think that certain people just have that latent monster in them that's waiting to wait.

[A]

Waiting.

[B]

Yeah. And other people are just becoming famous and having money probably throws them off a little bit, but they're able to be decent, you know?

[A]

It's wild. The anomaly, the monster with no credits.

[B]

Oh, yes. Where are these people? I mean, we both know, I'm sure dozens of them.

[A]

Oh, my God. I'm like, you are not famous enough.

[B]

To be this big before the horse.

[A]

Yeah. Like, whoa.

[B]

Yeah. That I. Is that like, they're overshooting? They're like, you have to be confident. So confidence means just terrorizing everyone, I guess.

[A]

I don't even know if it's like a decision in their head. I think they are actually just, like, they see the world differently. Narcissist. Almost like a narcissistic thing.

[B]

Right? I don't. Yeah. Like, I've experienced some of this, like, in hosting and trying to book a podcast where, like, it's so interesting. Like, some of the most successful people I've had on the show are so game for everything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then other people who are not game for anything. I'm like, well, kg, you are a terrible. Like, there's a reason that you are where you are because you refuse to do anything.

[A]

I want to be clear, you're not a get.

[B]

Yeah, Exactly. You're lucky to be here.

[A]

I've experienced the same thing with interviewing people. And I'm like, you cannot be boring. You do not have the luxury of being boring. Boring.

[B]

This is your opportunity.

[A]

Yes. To shine. Give me a clip. Say something wacky. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Some people just gets ahead of them. And maybe they were just born that way.

[A]

What sucks is that maybe they will still get successful.

[B]

I know that's the worst when they get rewarded. And then you're like, maybe I should have done that. Yeah. Maybe I should have been the worst person alive.

[A]

Next time.

[B]

Yeah. That's. It goes back to. There's no formula. Nobody knows anything.

[A]

Nobody knows anything.

[B]

Just do your own thing.

[A]

But I am back to that. And that's why I pained me to hear you won't invest $5 in yourself. Maybe that's what that $5 is. And maybe we should start a GoFundMe, the Untitled Bridger Weiniger project. And, like, we just raise the budget. We raise. And you'll see reflected in your loyal fans and listeners, how much faith they have in you.

[B]

It's Gonna be very low. That's gonna confirm my feelings about myself. No, this just leads to me driving into the ocean.

[A]

Maybe that's the project. Maybe. Maybe it's this beautiful, like, underwater adventure where you get, like, an ambiguous drowner.

[B]

Do you remember those?

[A]

The cars that turn into boats?

[B]

Oh, of course.

[A]

Maybe that's it.

[B]

I remember, like, there were a lot of, like, basic cable shows in the 90s and thousands where they had futuristic things. And I remember one of those in dippin dots. It was like, every episode. Those were the two things.

[A]

That's scammer. The future.

[B]

Yeah. And not the future we were promised.

[A]

Still exists, though.

[B]

Still exists.

[A]

I get kind of excited when I see it.

[B]

I would. I. I honestly think if I had some, I'd be like, this is great.

[A]

It is. It's a weird sensation. The freezer driedness, like, sticks to all areas of your mouth until it succumbs to the heat of your tongue.

[B]

And the flavor is unlike any other flavor of ice cream because I think it's very artificial.

[A]

Chemical. Chemical. Peanut butter split flavor. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[B]

It's almost like bubblegum or something, which.

[A]

Oddly enough, I'm getting weirded out by all the flavors of chips happening.

[B]

It's chips and Oreos. We have got to just absolutely slam on the brakes.

[A]

Whoever's at Nabisco has lost control of the vehicle.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Watermelon Oreos, Coke. Go to bed. Oh, my God. I just had a Coke Zero Oreo flavor. Oh, you've talked about this.

[B]

No, we haven't talked about this. And now is the time. There has never been a better time.

[A]

I knew we would get to something important if we just talk. Talked long enough.

[B]

On the week of an elect a national presidential election.

[A]

They're like, literally, like, they're not talking about Halloween. They're not talking about scary movies. They're talking about things they hate. And Oreo flavored Coke Zero and Coke Zero flavored Oreos.

[B]

There are both things. No, it's some sort of. This all started with collabs. Collabs have ruined Earth.

[A]

You know, the collab that can go straight to hell?

[B]

What?

[A]

Cheez it and Taco Bell? Oh, no one asks for that.

[B]

No.

[A]

The last thing I want with my Mexican food is cheese crackers.

[B]

It's not the flavor you think about with Mexican food.

[A]

It's not even the. The type of. I'm not thinking of crackers when I'm thinking of Mexican food.

[B]

I'm not thinking of sharp cheddar. No. I'm thinking of a mild cheddar, a.

[A]

Monterey jack, even a pepper jack, if you will.

[B]

Yes. But like, and let's be very clear. I love a cheez it. I love a cheese nip.

[A]

Yeah. But get the out of my crunchwrap supreme.

[B]

I love that you have been censoring yourself because it makes it seem like we have have decided you were the first person we'll, we'll censor on this podcast.

[A]

Well, I got a little insecure when I brought up sex and you were like, we're not going to talk about that. So I was like, I'm not going.

[B]

To say we're not going to talk about. No.

[A]

He said you're just, you said it very beautifully. You're like, we can maybe a little bit. But I've been interviewing people enough to know like no fly zone, don't do it. And I usually, if anyone knows me, I turn a lot of things sexual very fast.

[B]

You do. But you're so good at it because you're so, I think you're just, you're, you're a free person.

[A]

I'm a free person and I, I'm definitely leading with like kindness and an open mindedness. Not like a healthy guess what my blank smells like. You know, I'm not like just trying to gross people out. I'm like genuinely curious about.

[B]

I mean it's a very not even modern, still feels like future way of thinking because almost so many people are still trapped within. It's wild. The shame.

[A]

It's wild.

[B]

It's not even shame for me at this point. It's just like, well, well, I don't know. I'm just like, I guess my brain is just stunted in I guess unrecorded media. Sure.

[A]

And that's what it is. I just wish more people. Yeah. Were like we were talking about Cheez its and Taco Bell and now I'm on a soapbox.

[B]

Our attention span is zero.

[A]

Yeah. I wonder if this will be a liked episode or I had to turn this off episode.

[B]

This should be sent to someone who can prescribe some sort of ADHD medication because I need them to hear me. My inability to say on any topic.

[A]

This is a typical ADD person and an enabler of an ADD person.

[B]

It's just two people absolutely free basing. But we can talk about chip flavors. Have you had any of these?

[A]

I just like it. And the thing is like maybe it's me being closed minded. Maybe it's like my boomer. The boomer and me coming out where it's, it's like, not buffalo and ranch. Like just one or the other. But then you taste it and like, this oddly tastes like buffalo and ranch.

[B]

Right. But for me, it's just like. But the. If I wanted those things, I would have those buffalo wings and ranch. It's like.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Peanut butter and jelly, frozen yogurt. I'm like, if I love this flavor so much, why am I not making myself a sandwich?

[A]

P.B. and J. I completely agree with you.

[B]

It's just. I don't. I don't know. No, I guess it's not inherently wrong.

[A]

No.

[B]

But it feels like stunts, but I guess.

[A]

Yes. Okay. Okay. Yes. This is where I'm getting. Where you get something crazy. I think for the sake of being crazy, I get annoyed.

[B]

Right. I had a. I tried a Sour Patch Oreo recently. It was one of the top five most revolting things I've ever eaten.

[A]

Yes, it was. And you knew that before you bit it.

[B]

Of course. I mean, but I have an open heart and I thought, I'm giving them a chance. I had to spit it out.

[A]

Did you spend 4.99 on a whole box?

[B]

No, they were at the. And there was just.

[A]

Okay, fair.

[B]

I should have taken note that none of them had been eaten. I mean, a very select few. It's a dare.

[A]

But this is the thing. Why are we playing Fear Factor at the grocery store? Like, I dare you to eat.

[B]

I want to. Food for me really is a very sacred area where I'm like, every element of it I want to enjoy. Of course. Annalise. I'm sorry, I just have to. I came upon this on Reddit.

[A]

Just this line. Line Sour Patch Oreos.

[B]

Just.

[A]

Why not? Everything has to be a collab. Thank you, Reddit user 696-969-6969.

[B]

That's your private account. You're upvoting all of your videos.

[A]

Agree.

[B]

No, these were disgusting. And no, like, people will like, go out to eat ironically sometimes at like, restaurants that they know are bad. And I just think. No, you are not roping me into that. I'll meet you after because I have to have a good dinner.

[A]

No, I completely agree.

[B]

Such a waste of money and an experience to enjoy resources.

[A]

Now I'm thinking about people who don't have food and you're making a mockery of it completely.

[B]

It's embarrassing.

[A]

Like, and if you would send this item to like a war torn country that desperately needed food and they wouldn't eat it, like.

[B]

Oreo is gonna get there. They are going to get to an Oreo. Where no person would consume it. No matter.

[A]

I don't know. Sour patch kid. Oreo is pretty demented.

[B]

It's like one step before fish food. I think it was kind of like a neon. Oh, no, the cookie was actually. I think the cookie was the white cookie. Like the vanilla.

[A]

The vanilla cookie.

[B]

But that doesn't matter. Like, it could have just as well been the chocolate. It was going to be as disgusting as it was.

[A]

I somehow think vanilla is better with a sour patch than a chocolate.

[B]

Of course, in your brain, that makes sense, logically speaking. But this is not a logical product. It just shouldn't exist in any form. So just give it the chocolate cookie and let's just move on to the next one.

[A]

Make throw up in the box and. And put it on the shelf. Just do vomit flavor so we can all move on with our lives.

[B]

We could reset to just plain Oreo. It's unfair and it's. Yeah, even the peanut butter ones don't work.

[A]

Well, they have tiramisu flavored ones.

[B]

Again, that's. What. No.

[A]

What does that even.

[B]

What does that even mean? That just turns tiramisu into an idea.

[A]

Exactly. And I like tiramisu.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

I think it's, like, my favorite dessert. Maybe. But, like, I don't need it here.

[B]

And part of tiramisu is the texture.

[A]

Yes. Oh, I could eat a sheet of tiramisu. Tiramisu.

[B]

Delicious. It's the only thing you put a lady finger in and preach. I knew the moment I was, like, halfway through saying that sentence.

[A]

I mean, you could put three lady fingers in me. Wouldn't. Wouldn't do much. Horrible.

[B]

Okay, it's time to play a game. Okay, it's time to play a game. Let's play Gift or a Curse? I need a number between 1 and 10 for. From you.

[A]

9.

[B]

Okay, I have to do some light calculating to get our game pieces, so right now you can recommend something. Promote something. Say something good about something. I'll be right back.

[A]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna shamelessly promote me. I have a show. Well, I'm on. If you're listening to this when it comes out, I'm on the road opening for Bob the Drag Queen between October 23 and November 3. And then I'm headlining in Kansas City on November 13, Omaha, November 14, and St. Louis, Missouri, November 16. And I would love your support because they're big venues and I have a lot of tickets left, which is so crazy to say out loud, but I value honesty.

[B]

Absolutely. Everybody Go see Zach. Buy tickets to live. Thanks.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Please. It's very hard for especially, it seems like in comedy right now, people are like, begging, please come see the thing you like.

[A]

Yeah. This is the other thing, though. It's like, I also believe in the universe. And like, obviously I'll go in the direction I'm supposed. Supposed to go. And if ticket sales don't pick up at some point, maybe that's the universe saying, you're not that good. It's not. Well, I know. I, I think so too. But like, I'm just saying, like, no sweat. If you don't want to go, don't feel like you're. You're being forced to go.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But if any part of you values, like a little live theatrical moment, I think I deliver a really good hour.

[B]

I just think people have kind of forgotten how much fun it can be and so they've fallen into that. Ruth, there's also.

[A]

There's never been more comedians ever, ever, ever in the history.

[B]

There should be a culling. We've gotta shed some of these people.

[A]

Is that where you kill people?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And when I say culling, I don't mean metaphorically. I do think they should be killed. I've got a list.

[A]

I'm into a wood chipper of sorts.

[B]

Of stand up comics. Okay. I have to remind you to promote one other thing.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The shirt you're wearing.

[A]

Oh, my sister. Oh, so I'm wearing a ghost face. Embroidery. My little sister, Jules Towers has an amazing Etsy called Unsettled Roots. And I think we'll tag it maybe in the post. But she does custom embroidery.

[B]

It's so cool.

[A]

It was a gift and I love it so much because I love scary movies. Screams. One of my favorite scary movies. And she just made it and I love it and I just love all the stuff she makes.

[B]

Yes. I guess I should also promote my sister's thing she's got going. I've done this once before, but if we're promoting Sisters.

[A]

Yes. I feel like, why not a timeless thing.

[B]

She has a new company called Lovezy. She was a NICU nurse, and so she knows everything about baby care she's created. And again, I'm not an expert, so I don't know, but she's created this, this clothing that apparently is incredible. L U V S I E. Oh, my God, Instagram. And I'm so proud of her. I'm just like, wow, this is so great you're doing this thing and that's huge. Solving what seems to Be a problem that I'll never experience. But I'm parents, apparently. You know, a lot of people do. Or maybe not even a problem, but, like, no. Making things better. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Look at our sisters. Owe us everything.

[A]

My sister is five years younger than me, and she's absolutely acted as my.

[B]

Big sister, like, oh, a million percent. Really? I cannot tell you the life advice and wisdom I've received from my younger sister.

[A]

Same.

[B]

This person is so much more mature than I agreed. I mean, starting elementary school, she taught me to tie my shoes. So that's actually kind of embarrassing. That probably shows some sort of real deficiency on my part.

[A]

It made your parents look horrible. Like, it was very dog eat dog in the Weiniger household.

[B]

I've been in embarrassment for decades. Okay, this is how we play Gift or a curse. I'm gonna name three things. You'll tell me if they're a gift or a curse and why, and then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong. Because there are correct answers, you can lose the game. No one is on your side here.

[A]

I look forward to losing.

[B]

Okay, number one, this is from a listener named Emily. Gift or a curse. Parents or adults saying, I want to be her slash him when I grow up. Referring to a little kid.

[A]

Oh, curse. Don't lift up children. Yeah, no, that's embarrassing for all parties involved.

[B]

I'm completely on your side here. This is horrifying to see.

[A]

When he formulated that sentence out was like, yuck.

[B]

There's a whole category of the world and, like, the Internet and like, even, like, product marketing that lies in whatever this is. And it makes my skin crawl.

[A]

It really does. There's like, a big ick factor.

[B]

It's like this weird, like, slumber party. Or like, being a kid is like an adult is.

[A]

I just look up to them, how they. I'm like, well, that's embarrassing.

[B]

It's. And hearing an adult say, when I grow up.

[A]

Honey, you're winding down. You're growing. You're growing down.

[B]

Humiliating curse, no question. Okay, you've gotten one right so far. That's very good. Number two, this is from a listener named Erica. Gift or a curse. When bands on tour use the local city instead of the original city in the song, I. E. If Martha and the Vandellas were in Indianapolis and sang Dancing in the street and replaced New York City with Indianapolis, Indianapolis curse.

[A]

This is. It's is a basic move. Like, it's pandering to locals. It's not true. This is akin to someone doing Karaoke and changing the gender to make it work for them.

[B]

Oh, you don't do that.

[A]

No. There's a great tweet. Like, don't you dare change the gender. You're gay for the next four minutes. Like, if you're. It's like a love song about a guy or a girl or whatever. So, like, no. Like, only, like, basic bitches are, like, going. Like, when they hear Chicago instead of, like, whatever cooler city the person named.

[B]

Absolutely right. It's so cheap. It's so the audience hasn't earned that.

[A]

No, it's.

[B]

I mean, the pride in their city was not earned. And it's like doing a simple magic trick, you idiots.

[A]

And if you've been fooled and if you think they're not doing that for everyone. Every city.

[B]

Right. You're not special.

[A]

You're a fool.

[B]

You're not. Your partner is cheating on you.

[A]

Yes. With many.

[B]

Yes. You fall for everything.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Curse. I want to hear the city. The city they actually cared about. Same city that Martha and the Vandellas actually care.

[A]

Yes. Whoever they are.

[B]

That recommendation. I mean, that detail almost got me. I do love Martha and the Vandellas, but, you know, Martha and the Vandellas probably dancing in the street. Street loves like a heat wave. They've got a bunch of great songs. Is Martha still alive? Oh, wow. Good for her. Hopefully she's still singing. Martha, reach out. Okay, you've gotten two right so far. This is very impressive.

[A]

Well, we are both Libras.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

And we're both on the ginger spectrum.

[B]

Right.

[A]

We're both incredibly talented, so.

[B]

So we'll see what happens with this third one. Mark. A listener named Mark has suggested gift. Gift or a curse? Back in angle. Street parking.

[A]

Back in angle. Like parallel parking?

[B]

No, I think this is when it's the. It's not. The lines aren't straight. Like, you would pull up to the curve on an angle almost, you know, like, that's insane.

[A]

That's a curse.

[B]

Oh. And actually, you don't even pull up. You're backing in.

[A]

He's saying that's insane. You're then facing the wrong direction when.

[B]

You leave, when you back in.

[A]

Yeah, but if it's angled and you're backing in, then you are facing oncoming traffic. That's deranged. Am I getting this right? You're going. They're angled in the direction of traffic. Correct.

[B]

You're talking to someone with zero spatial skills. So me trying to put this together in my brain is very difficult.

[A]

So I'm picturing like, okay, you know how it has a flow of traffic and then like, say you're in a mall, whatever. And you have to go in a certain direction so the angles are like, interesting. I'm gonna pull Forward into this 45 degree. Do you know what I mean? All like this as you go like this. So if you went past it and then backed, first of all, that's a two, two move job. And then you're. I want this person taken to a psych ward immediately. They definitely shouldn't have their license. That's Mark. You're in.

[B]

Suggested as an option. He doesn't know either.

[A]

Well, I hope I'm not also, like getting this wrong, but back in angled street parking.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

No psycho curse, a nuisance, whatever that is.

[B]

Zach. Wrong. It's a gift. And only because the way you just explained it to me makes me think this is an exciting opportunity.

[A]

Ew.

[B]

To be able to pull an edge. And then the getaway is so scary. You're pulling out. The moves that have to happen as you're leaving the space are such a fun topper to the mall or to the shopping center you've just been at. Very exciting.

[A]

I'm so disappointed.

[B]

And the prowess you have to show. Getting in there.

[A]

Wait. Is part of your thing. You have to make me lose. Is that part of your sick, twisted game?

[B]

Part of the thing is that I'm always right.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And there are certain universal truths that only I have access to.

[A]

You know what? Your answer lies in the just to be devil's advocate.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

You sound like right now.

[B]

You put me in devil's advocate.

[A]

White man is showing. Your 30 year old self is showing.

[B]

Murderer. Actually. Actually, you. There's nothing illegal about parking that way.

[A]

And like, then I can see who's coming. That's what you sound like. Well, just so you know, sore loser.

[B]

I mean, it is showing. I mean, they can see it from the moon. Okay, we got two out of three. Not too bad.

[A]

That did for some reason. You saying two out of three. Chat my ass. Real hard, real fast.

[B]

The source loser ever to enter this arena.

[A]

Oh, well, that makes me feel better.

[B]

Yeah. That you do.

[A]

Losers. I'm the best loser.

[B]

You did an excellent job at losing.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Okay, this is the final segment of the podcast. It's called I said no emails. People write into I said no gifts. Gmail.com begging for answers. That's all you really need to know. Every one of my listeners has countless life problems.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And they're just like, please take care of at least one of these for me. My load is too heavy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That'S two.

[A]

You're lucky talking about loads, all of a sudden.

[B]

You help me answer a listener question. Okay. Okay, great. This says. Let's see here. This says, benevolent providers. Okay. I don't know what quite what that means, but we'll take it.

[A]

It sounds culty.

[B]

It does sound a little culty. And we'll take it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You're taking it?

[A]

Yes, I'm taking this listener's load. This benevolent load from the listener. Honestly, we haven't said anything bad.

[B]

It's all. This could all be on abc. Yeah, I'm stuck on what to get my little brother for Christmas. He's 24, works for Whole Foods, lives with his girlfriend in a beach area of Florida, and is a huge video game nerd. It seems anything I buy him sits on a shelf or isn't something he's interested in. He has a good job now, so he buys anything he wants. I've thought of getting him comic books and Oculus Rift, a drone, et cetera, but he apparently has all of those things already. Do you or your lovely guest have suggestions for what to get him? I can't think of anything. And I'm tired of my gifts not being useful. Disrespectful listener. That's from someone named Matt. So Matt's brother has some.

[A]

Sounds like an impossible to please straight guy.

[B]

Yes. Who's. It must be higher up at Whole Foods. I was just bagging groceries.

[A]

I can't believe. I'm so glad you said it, but I was like, what high paying job is there at Whole Foods, right?

[B]

I mean, we appreciate all of our grocery workers, but I don't think any of those are things where you're like, I can now buy anything I ever wanted. Unless you're irresponsible with money, which 24 could be.

[A]

Totally. He lives with a girlfriend, so obviously bills are cut in half.

[B]

Right. And he doesn't mind sailing into debt.

[A]

Listen, this is the thing. I actually don't like gifts either, for the most part. I like money. I don't like when people guess for things. I don't like being brought something that I then have to either get rid of in a beautiful way or incorporate into my life.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So, like, my go to is like, get them a gift card. Give them a Visa Bucks gift card.

[B]

I love a Visa Bucks.

[A]

I mean, let them spend it how they. Whatever you were going to spend on what dumb comic book. Get them $100 and be done with it. And your. Your brother sounds like he lacks any sentiment or sentimental appreciation, so stop trying.

[B]

I think teach him a lesson.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think this little grub needs to learn that just because you bought everything for yourself doesn't mean you don't need a brother.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

Ooh, his brother's reaching out.

[A]

Love.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then next Christmas Eve, love that disappear. Yeah. Or double down. Yeah.

[B]

Make it worse every year. Next year, you send, like, a. Like a sawed off finger to, you know, things have gotten worse in the situation, and maybe eventually he will appreciate the Oculus Rift. We can all use two Oculus Rifts. We all love VR.

[A]

We all love escaping.

[B]

I think that that's totally fair. This brother's an absolutely spoiled brat, and we're not on his side. I think Whole Foods should look into. Should take these details and find him and fire him.

[A]

Also, little brothers are iconically the worst type of people.

[B]

I've never experienced a little brother. Interesting. Do you have one?

[A]

Well, not personally, but, like, think of all media and stuff.

[B]

Every movie is a snot nosed.

[A]

Yes, exactly. They're either, like, treasured by the parents and annoying to the siblings, or they're just a little hunts.

[B]

Yeah, completely. And this one is probably both.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Whole Foods track him down, lay him off, make him learn what it is to, you know, struggle. Yes, Matt. Never write back in. Oh, boy. Zach, I now have three beautiful gifts. I've got still a lot of Celsius to drink and delicious cherry cola soda, two cookies, and $5. I'm out of my mind over this.

[A]

And memories.

[B]

Memories galore. Hours of audio. We should split this into three episodes.

[A]

Oh, longer than I think.

[B]

This may be our longest episode ever, Annalise. Wow. Let's go for another 20.

[A]

Well, now that we've reached the halfway part.

[B]

No, it's because I've had. I mean, the best time with you.

[A]

Same.

[B]

Thank you for the gifts and thank you for being here.

[A]

I was looking forward to it the whole since. Since we've been trying to line up the date.

[B]

You were a real diva about that.

[A]

I know. Well, it's life on my terms or get out.

[B]

Listener. The podcast is over. We're letting you go. Maybe you could start the episode over. I don't know, try to memorize every word. You know, like your favorite song. That's a new idea. Has anyone ever memorized every word of a podcast? You could be the first. This is the end. I love you. Goodbye. I said no Gifts is an exactly right production. It's produced by our dear friend Anneliese Nelson. And it's beautifully mixed by Ben Tolliday. And we couldn't do it without our guest booker, Patrick Cotner. The theme song, of course, could only come from Miracle Worker Amy. Man, you must follow the show on Instagram at isaidnogifts. I don't want to hear any excuses. That's where you get to see pictures of all these gorgeous gifts I'm getting. And don't you want to see pictures of the gifts?

[A]

Well, I invited you here. I thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you got to come to me empty handed. I said no guils. Your presence is present enough. And I already had too much stuff, so how do you dare disobey me?