Podcast
If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes
Hosted by If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes · EN
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
33episodes
Episodes
Newest firstAll episodes
Who Domed Buzz Lightyear?
Yesterday00:50:37Tap to summarizeFresh from a theater with a very peculiar bathroom, merritt, John and Niki discuss the latest entry in the Toy Story franchise, how "toy" is determined and who decides what gets sentience, kid brain osmosis, Toy of the Year in 2001, Bionicles, Z-Bots, and somehow, additional things that aren't toys.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcribe →Ep. 187 Bonus: Drunken Wolverine Ninja Kung-Fu: The Home Game
1w ago00:26:29Tap to summarizeHey!!! We decided to make this week's Patreon-exclusive bonus episode available to everyone, just to give y'all a little taste of what you're missing out on. If you liked this, there's tons more bonus content already waiting for you at https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving! Okay bye! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcribe →Horse of the Year
1w ago00:54:53Tap to summarizemerritt, John and Niki investigate what little remains of the world of soap operas, before moving on to the roller coaters of Dubai, "British Linus," knife training videos, Brazil Dot Com, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcribe →Aaahh!!! Real Judo
2w ago00:56:25Tap to summarizeWith Jordan back on the sticks, Niki, merritt and John attempt to tackle their biggest responsibility of the year: Planning for Gimmick Month. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcribe →Til Death Do You Straight
3w ago00:55:55Tap to summarizeDrivey note: this week's episode has been untouched by the loving hands of producer Jordan Mallory. John is much worse at Jordan's job than Jordan is, so please forgive this week for any audio issues or snafus.This week, John bravely asks the question "what if we gave just a few minutes to acknowledge the straights" to Merritt and Niki on this, the first day of Pride (at least when we recorded it). Explore straight history and culture with us, including the idea that fearing planes, like John Madden, makes you a little gay.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcribe →Hails or Teads
4w ago00:56:41Tap to summarizeThis week merritt, John and Niki do an extended Star Wars goof (I don't think any of these spoilers are real, but who can say, really? I sure as shit didn't watch that movie), before moving on to greener, less celestial pastures, including any date between 2000 and 2010, a specific guy running for governor of California, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcribe →ABC vs NBC: Mark of the Millennium 2001
May 2500:56:26Tap to summarizeThis week Niki, John and merritt discuss their shower habits, the contents of the Nickelodeon time capsule, skinned Grogu, the premise of 1997 ABC television series Teen Angel, the ending of Full House, and gang? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcribe →The Scions of the Tool Man
May 1800:51:35Tap to summarizeNiki is out this week, but merritt and John still find plenty to talk about in the meantime. Well, by "plenty" I mean mostly Tim Allen, but there's some other stuff in there too! Netbooks, Destiny 2 nightmares, child actors and their fates, reverse engineering the plot of Pixels -- there's more going on here than just Tim Allen. I'll be honest though, lotta Tim Allen in this one.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcribe →Pastor Princess
May 1100:55:01Tap to summarizeJohn, Niki and merritt assess the 2026 Met Gala in real time, providing up-to-the-minute details and analysis of all the freaks in their weird getups, in addition to discussing related topics such as future Met Gala theme ideas, the surgery that makes you Korean, what constitutes a helmet, Eli Lilly's iron grasp on your grandma, defunct social media networks, and gang? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcribe →Reconstruction Indicator
May 400:53:48Tap to summarizemerritt, Niki and John talk about Ted Lasso for a really, really long time, after which they discuss shoes, the legend of Achilles, the Will Smith vehicle Hancock, and now that the gang is back together, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcribe →