Is it my job to make sure a collaborator is financially comfortable? This week, I got a verbal smackdown about my privilege. Instead of fighting (how dare you) or giving in (fine I’ll just pay for everything), I explore with Elena our responsibility to others when we’re entangled.

In week 11 of confronting complicity in capitalism, we come upon the reality that changing how we do money is a relational practice, not just an individual one. What happens when money is unspoken? When needs are not met? When the reality changes and agreements aren’t working any more?

This week, I face tension with a collaborator about a shared project:

Responsibility. What is my responsibility to someone I collaborate with? It’s not my job to pay their rent and make sure they’re comfortable… It’s not nothing… What’s the middle ground?
Agreements. This thing we agreed to isn’t working any more. One phase has ended, another is beginning. What does it mean to re-shape agreements? I’m different, you’re different, let’s review.
Openness. Not jumping to conclusions, assuming that I have to fix it all. But something isn’t working. What is possible?
Spoken and unspoken. With money, some things we discussed. But so much is implied. What happens when needs are unmet?
Decentering humans. What’s important to both people, AND what’s important to the space and the ecosystem?

And Elena tries to engage her parents about their shared privilege:

Slow and tender. When we first started this project, I thought I would have regular conversations with my parents. This isn’t quick, it may not be as far along, and that’s ok. Any movement forward is all grist for the mill. If I try to move too quickly, I risk triggering people and taking steps back.
Creating conditions. I want to disentangle… but that’s not where they are coming from. It’s on me to create conditions that don’t trigger shame and blame. How do I not get caught up when shame and blame does come up?
Preparation and resourcing. So many of my stories are entangled with what I think they’re thinking. When I have the conversations, I want to meet them as they are. This takes a lot of prep work.
Nonviolent communication. The root of how we approach our lives and work. Centering human needs. We can disagree about strategy… but what is the deeper need for each of us that we can’t disagree with?
Choice. Recognizing interdependence, AND it doesn't always mean that we do everything together or need to be financially intertwined.

As always, follow along on…

- video on LinkedIn (visible if you’re connected to me or Elena)
- blog on Medium: https://juliash.medium.com/