Infidelity, Commitment, and Healing: A Real Conversation with Lewis Howes | E184

Summary

In Search Of Excellence – Episode 184

“Infidelity, Commitment, and Healing: A Real Conversation with Lewis Howes”

Host: Randall Kaplan
Guest: Lewis Howes
Date: March 19, 2026

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Episode Overview

This profoundly honest episode explores the often unspoken challenges and lessons of pursuing excellence—in business, relationships, and personal growth—with acclaimed entrepreneur, bestselling author, and podcast host Lewis Howes. Host Randall Kaplan and Howes discuss resilience through adversity, the value of mentorship, redefining success, the importance of gratitude, building relationships, and the real work of healing and commitment. The conversation also delves deeply into infidelity, marriage, and why emotional well-being is vital to long-term fulfillment.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Doing the Hard Things: Success, Resilience, and Daily Practice

• The Demands of Excellence:
  • Howes emphasizes that a “beautiful and rich” life does not mean an easy one, but rather “doing the challenging things consistently” (01:50).
  • He shares his own Olympic dream at age 45, illustrating the importance of setting audacious goals and accepting the demands required to pursue them.
  • Quote:

    “I don’t want to live an easy life. I want to live a life that is beautiful and rich…doing the challenging things consistently.”
    — Lewis Howes (01:53)

  • Both Howes and Kaplan agree that enduring discomfort builds the fortitude required for excellence and lasting achievement.
• Gratitude as Foundation:
  • Howes starts every morning with gratitude alongside his wife and affirms that this mindset fuels abundance (03:20, 49:10).

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2. The Power of Mentorship and Taking Initiative

• Earning Mentorship:
  • Kaplan and Howes both stress that mentorship isn’t just given; it must be earned by demonstrating value and effort.
  • Howes’ Approach: Don’t start by asking for help—start by finding out how you can help others (11:17).
  • Quote:

    “I never ask people… ‘What is the biggest challenge you’re working on right now that I can help you accomplish?’”
    — Lewis Howes (12:12)

  • Howes tells how he built early credibility by organizing LinkedIn networking events and making meaningful introductions.
• Extreme Preparation:
  • Kaplan describes his unique methods for getting noticed—writing highly researched, individualized letters to CEOs, with details few knew, spending up to five hours per letter (24:03).
  • Quote:

    “Each letter took five hours to write...my letter had a cellophane cover, a quote from the CEO, tabbed pages of every job they ever had.”
    — Randy Gage (24:03)

  • Howes mirrors this with early podcast outreach, offering free webinars and guaranteeing value to high-profile guests (19:15).

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3. Resourcefulness and Finding Opportunity in Uncertainty

• Turning Adversity into Action:
  • Howes recounts his journey from being a broke ex-athlete on his sister’s couch to building a business on LinkedIn (05:31–08:45).
  • With no degree or job prospects during the 2008 recession, a mentor suggested he explore LinkedIn. Howes went “all in,” connecting for hours a day, and soon became a LinkedIn expert.
  • Kaplan and Howes agree that everyone—even at their lowest point—has the power to choose resourcefulness over resignation.
  • Quote:

    “While I’m broke, while I’ve had nothing to lose because I’m already at the bottom, let me at least try for something...”
    — Lewis Howes (32:30)

• Elevator Pitches and ‘Just Start’
  • Discovering the power of a strong, clear pitch changed Howes’ trajectory (34:34); his big break came from putting himself out there and showing up in person at events.

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4. Building Relationships and a Service Mindset

• Giving First, Not Taking:
  • Both men stress the long-term dividends of a service-oriented mindset—making yourself valuable to others creates trust and, over time, opportunity and reciprocity.
  • Howes’ Networking Secret: At events, he would greet everyone with: “What are you looking for?” and then connect people directly, expecting nothing in return (12:10–14:20).

• Relationships as the True Currency:

    > “The most important thing that’s contributed to my success is relationships.”  
    — Lewis Howes (78:19)
  

  • Preparation and genuine connection are essential—guests remember it, as do potential employers, partners, and mentors.

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5. Defining ‘Greatness’ and the Real Meaning of Success

• Howes’ Definition:

  “For me, greatness is pursuing your gifts and talents, developing them to live your dreams. And in the pursuit of your dreams, you’re making an impact on the people around you.” (38:33)

• Balanced Excellence:
  • Greatness isn’t just career achievement—it’s being of service, cultivating generosity and gratitude, and honoring personal priorities for a fulfilled life (38:43, 49:10, 51:20).

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6. Infidelity, Healing, and Commitment in Modern Relationships

• Redefining the Path to Intimacy:
  • Lewis reveals he approached his marriage differently than past relationships, choosing to start with therapy and open dialogue about values and goals—before becoming intimate (68:29).
  • Quote:

    “We’re not having sexual intimacy…we’re entering the relationship with therapy…talking about our values, our visions, and our lifestyle.”
    — Lewis Howes (68:29)

• Prioritizing Emotional Health:
  • He controversially prioritizes his health and his mission over his marital relationship, explaining that optimizing himself and his purpose enables him to show up better as a husband and father (70:00–72:36).
  • Honest Take on Infidelity:
    • Howes believes unhealed emotional wounds are a key driver of cheating (74:27).

    “I don’t think you’ve healed…a lot of things that you were, you need to heal. And I think it’s also you’re not clear on truly what you want.”
    — Lewis Howes (74:27)

  • Commitment, for him, is staying true daily to the future self he wants to become—with all the discipline that entails.

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7. Learning from Failure and Continuing to Grow

• Celebrating Setbacks:
  • Both host and guest emphasize learning from failures—divorces, bad jobs, missed opportunities—as more valuable than celebrating successes (52:08+).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Consistency and Doing the Work:

  “I guess I don’t have work hard mentality, but just the willingness to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to accomplish the result.”
  — Lewis Howes (03:22)

• On Networking and Value:

  “If you want to accomplish your goals, help everyone else accomplish their goals.”
  — Lewis Howes (13:59, paraphrasing Zig Ziglar/Bob Proctor)

• On Extreme Preparation:

  “My letter had a cellophane cover, it had a quote … then it was tabbed with my three-page, single-spaced letter that listed every job they’d ever had.”
  — Randy Gage (24:03)

• On Regret and Growth:

  “My biggest regret is not healing sooner.”
  — Lewis Howes (77:17)

• On Advice to His Younger Self:

  “Take a workshop that lets you heal your heart.”
  — Lewis Howes (78:37)

• On Gratitude:

  “Gratitude and generosity are the gateway to abundance in all areas of your life.”
  — Lewis Howes (48:37)

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Important Segments & Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamps | |----------------------------------------------------|---------------| | Lewis on the necessity of doing hard things | 01:50–03:20 | | Howes' backstory – injury, mentorship, LinkedIn | 05:31–10:03 | | Mentoring the right way, earning trust | 10:08–14:20 | | Extreme preparation & letters to CEOs | 24:03–25:46 | | Resourcefulness – Transition from broke to expert | 31:26–34:34 | | Elevator pitches and pivotal career moments | 34:34–38:25 | | What is greatness? | 38:33–39:05 | | Building The School of Greatness | 39:27–43:27 | | Mindset, gratitude, and generosity | 48:37–51:21 | | Learning from divorce, relationship advice | 53:11–55:38 | | The power of thank you notes & interview prep | 58:36–60:48 | | Kobe Bryant interview—extreme prep in action | 62:15–68:08 | | Sex, intimacy, and commitment in relationships | 68:08–74:15 | | On infidelity and healing | 74:15–76:58 | | Lightning round – Fill in the Blank to Excellence | 77:02–79:42 |

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Tone & Language

This conversation is warm, candid, vulnerable—with both men sharing personal experiences, missteps, and hard-won wisdom. The tone is motivational, often earnest, but with moments of humor and self-deprecation (“I never listen to podcasts”; imposter syndrome; stories of sleeping on couches and taking red-eye flights). Both speakers honor the value of humility, continuous learning, and above all, service to others.

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Summary Takeaways

• Excellence is a mindset—born out of gratitude, resilience, resourcefulness, and the courage to serve others.
• True mentorship and opportunity are earned, not given; demonstrating value and preparation unlock doors.
• Extreme preparation—in relationships, in business, and for big opportunities—separates the good from the great.
• Healing emotional wounds is essential for real growth, healthy relationships, and fulfillment.
• Gratitude and generosity open up abundance—not just financial, but relational and spiritual.
• Relationships and service are more valuable than any single professional achievement.

“Learn how to love yourself…do something that heals another person…be a great dad.”
— Lewis Howes (77:04–77:15)

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Recommended for anyone struggling with setbacks, aspiring to greatness, or seeking depth and authenticity in both career and relationships.

Transcript

[Lewis Howes]

What would make this the most powerful conversation you've ever had? My intention is to impact millions of lives around the world with what you're about to say. I don't want to live an easy life. I want to live a life that is beautiful and rich. And that doesn't mean having everything handed to me and not having challenges that I need to face. It means doing the challenging things consistently. Waking up early, training. It's not something I want to do. I wanted to eat crap last night. I wanted to, like, sleep in all these different things.

[Randy Gage]

You gave up something while you're broke, living on a couch without a concrete plan to pursue a passion. Is that the same advice you'd give your kids? My guest today is the awesome Lewis Howes. Lewis is a lifestyle entrepreneur, high performance business coach, keynote speaker, best selling author, former professional football player, and host of the incredible School of Greatness podcast, which has had more than a billion downloads since he started 13 years ago. Louis's mission in life, which is the same as mine, is to help 100 million people live their dreams. Louis, thanks for being here. Welcome to In Search of Excellence.

[Lewis Howes]

Thanks for having me around. Appreciate it.

[Randy Gage]

You got hurt running into a wall, broke your wrist, and then you hid it from the coach.

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Randy Gage]

It is so important as a lesson to young professionals. I coach a lot of people. You coach a lot of people? I have a lot of mentees. Everybody wants to run when there's a problem, right? They don't. Especially if they have wealthy parents. Oh, you're unhappy in your job. You should leave. No, you should not leave. You know, Mark Q. Was on my show. He said, if you can't succeed in a difficult job, you're not going to succeed in life. How important is it to endure pain, in your case, physical pain and our success?

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, my gosh. I think it's. I was talking about this this morning, actually, on my show that, you know, I woke up early, I tr. Trained this morning. I have a dream to be an Olympian in two and a half years. And it sounds crazy to say that the chances are slim that it's going to happen, but there's still a chance. And for me to know that there's a chance that it's possible. I want to be able to live with myself not taking it all away and seeing if I can actually make the Olympics as an athlete at 45 years young. I got up this morning and I trained, and I was talking about how, you know, I don't want to live an easy life. I want to live A life that is beautiful and rich and that doesn't mean having everything handed to me and not having challenges that I need to face. It means showing up consistently with the courage to have courageous and tough conversations that are not fun. It means facing the fears and insecurities and doubts inside of me at this season of life. It means doing the challenging things consistently. You know, waking up early, training, it's not something I want to do. I wanted to eat crap last night, I wanted to like sleep in all these different things. But it's the thing that my future self is demanding, demanding that I do to live a beautiful life in a couple years, in 10 years, in 20 years. And every morning I wake up with my wife and we wake up and we're just like, God, life is so good. Thank you God for this incredible life. Look at this home, look at this family we've created. Thank you for this amazing time. We're so grateful. And it's not because it was handed to us. She busted her butt for 20 plus years doing what she does. And same for me.

[Randy Gage]

She's an actress, been in over 40

[Lewis Howes]

movies, well known, 40 movies. She writes, she produces, she stars all these things. She had the number one movie two years ago on Netflix for a couple weeks as a Spanish film. And she's extremely talented and she's worked extremely hard and she continues to do that, you know, now as a mother and a business owner, all these different things. And it's not because it's, it's just handed to us. It's not because it's easy. Life feels easy because we're doing challenging things consistently and it feels rich and beautiful because we're doing these things. But I need to continually, not force myself, but create structure of challenging moments daily so that it all feels easier. And I think that has just stuck with me from sports and I've learned how to apply this. I guess I don't have work hard mentality, but just the willingness to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to accomplish the result from sports and then doing that in the business world. My business isn't as big as what you've built it and I haven't made as much money as you, but I live an abundant rich life and I feel financially free. There's levels to wealth, obviously, but I feel like it doesn't hold me back from doing what I want to do do and, and I'm grateful for that.

[Randy Gage]

I hope you're enjoying this video so far, but before we jump back in, I want to Know if you've ever thought about what you need to do to reach the next level of success in your life. Over the last 25 years, I've been an advisor to more than 50 companies. I've invested nearly 100, including Google, lift and Seagate. And I also co founded a company that today is worth more than $15 billion. I've been incredibly blessed in my journey, and at this stage in my life, I want to give back. I want to share the lessons I've learned so you can reach incredible success way faster than I did in my own journey. I've learned the right mentor is a massive advantage to achieving our goals. I'm hugely passionate about mentoring others. I'm looking for a few hungry entrepreneurs who are excited to take action on their journey to incredible future success. So if that's you, I've got an opportunity. In the description of this video, there's a link where you can apply to work with me. All you need to do is answer a few simple questions, and if you're a good fit, my team will reach out so we can build a game plan together. All right, now let's get back to the video. We all have seminal moments in our career that's kind of the next step up where we meet somebody that's very important. I met a lot of those people in my life.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Randy Gage]

So you're 24 years old, you're still living in. In Ohio. You're, you know, kind of fighting the dream to play football. You meet a guy named Stuart Jenkins.

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Randy Gage]

How did he change your life? And tell us about the lessons you learned from your relationship with him, man. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

I don't know if you have some mentors from, like, high school, college, or kind of your 20s, but for me, he was extremely important. Mentor of mine still is still close with him today. When I was in middle school and I was in eighth grade, I went to this Principia High Middle School, and he spoke at, you know, one of the ceremonies at the high school that I went to, and he gave a speech where he's talking about the ladders of life. I still visually remember this. I don't know if you remember, like, certain moments like this, but he gave a speech where there were two ladders on stage, and he talked about the ladder of success in life. When I was in high school, I was just like, man, I want to meet this guy. You know, he was like, I don't know, 25, 30 years older than me, much wiser, more successful, and done a lot. He qualified for the Olympic trials. He built businesses, and I was like, man, I just want to meet this guy. Eventually built a relationship with him, and he was the headmaster of my college as well, at Principia for a period of time. I got to connect with him more. But after school was done, after I got injured playing football, my dad went through an accident when I was in college as well, where he had a brain. Brain trauma. He got hit by a car and was in a coma for many months, and he never fully recovered. He woke up and was alive for the next 17 years, but he never was the man he once was. And I wasn't able to connect with him emotionally or have really good conversations with him. This all happened, and then I got injured playing arena football. All these things happened, and then I got injured. I broke my wrist. I'm sleeping on my sister's couch in a full arm cast, recovering, trying to figure out what I'm gonna do with my life. I call him. I call him, and I'm like, I don't know how to make money. I still don't have a college degree yet. I have no idea what to do. 2008, the. You know, the housing crisis, the economy crashes, all these things. What do I do? They're not hiring people with master's degrees, let alone people that haven't graduated college yet who are broke football players. I have no skills. What do I do? He's like, I've heard about this new site called LinkedIn. It's like Facebook for professionals. Why don't you check it out and see if you can find a job that way? And whatever, you know, he just said that, and I said, okay, I'm. I'm a. I'm an athlete. I'm coachable. You tell me to do something, I'm gonna go all in for the next year. I am on there. It's probably five, six, seven hours a day, just connecting with people, learning about the platform. And I think around that time, maybe there was like 7, 8, 9 million people. It was still small, but I be kind of became like the guy on LinkedIn because I was connecting with all the CEOs. I was just building relationships with people. I was then started hosting LinkedIn events around the country, bringing people offline online and trying to help them with career opportunities, build their business, join partnerships, whatever it might be. And people started asking me, hey, Louis, can you show me how to use LinkedIn for a career, for my business, for whatever, getting leads? And I just started coaching people for free. And another guy gave me $100 after coaching him. And he said, this is going to change my business. Thank you. And he gave me, wrote me a hundred dollar check and I go, huh, I could make money doing this. I've just been on here trying to build relationships. I eventually wrote a book, then I started charging for these events, then I started doing these coaching and then I created a course.

[Randy Gage]

Can we just back up for one second? Because there's a lot of people listening to the show who are 22 to 30 years old. So you wrote that book when you were 25 years old?

[Lewis Howes]

Yes, before my 21st birthday.

[Randy Gage]

Okay. And so I just want people to, you know, think, it's not Lewis, how's today? This is your. And you're still broke at that time?

[Lewis Howes]

I mean, yeah, maybe I was making a thousand bucks a month or something. You know, it wasn't like life changing money. I'm still living on my sister's couch.

[Randy Gage]

Okay, so you're in New York at this point?

[Lewis Howes]

No, I'm still in Ohio.

[Randy Gage]

Still in Ohio. Okay. Living on her couch. Okay.

[Lewis Howes]

I self published the book. I didn't know how to self publish a book, but I found. I didn't know how to write a book. I didn't know how to write, but I found a mentor. The guy who wrote me a check for $100. He said, let's write the book. And he was like, he, he did networking, consulting, like offline, teaching people about like business networking. Offline. He goes, let's you teach the online stuff on how to network on LinkedIn and I'll teach the real world stuff. And he supported me, he coached me and we wrote this book together. And that was again, I wouldn't have been able to do it. Probably, maybe I would have, but not with the speed and the confidence without having someone support it. And so I leaned on mentors, I leaned on support, I got coaching, that accountability helped me launch the book. And then I would just schlep these books around the country, selling them one at a time at my events.

[Randy Gage]

So we have to talk about mentorship. I was going to talk about it a little later in the show, but I want to hit it right now.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Randy Gage]

Because I think mentoring is so important to our success.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, I think so.

[Randy Gage]

One of the issues that maybe you have and that I have today, we've had success. We have a lot of knowledge, we have experience coaching. I have 30,000 people on LinkedIn who once I, you know, who are my friends. And every day I wake up and I don't check it every day, but when I check it, there's 10 or 20 requests. Hey, Randy, I'm a student. I'm a young professional. Can I grab 15 minutes or can I get on a Zoom call with you? The answer is absolutely not, because you have not earned the meeting.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. And watch In Search of Excellence, because you're going to get everything I would share with you on the show a

[Randy Gage]

million percent, but they can earn it. And so we'll skip ahead and we'll kind of zigzag here. But you had a thing where you'd host these events and you would shake people's hands.

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Randy Gage]

And so. And then you would try to earn mentorships later. But for you to earn mentorships, I think there's such a key thing that people don't do, which is don't ask people to help you at the beginning. Ask how you can help somebody else.

[Lewis Howes]

I never ask people. I mean, I think in the beginning I tried to ask people for advice, and it was like, no one would get back to me.

[Randy Gage]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

I would email people on LinkedIn and say, hey, you're like this CEO in Columbus and you have no time, but you're very successful. Can you give me this bum 15 minutes? And just people won't even reply. And I was like, huh, this isn't working. So after a while, I was like, I found a way to connect to their heart and their soul through the first couple lines of an email. And I was always trying to find three things we had in common or three things I appreciated in them. So I'd say something like, randall, you know, I saw that you're from Detroit, and even though I don't like Michigan football, I still have friends from Michigan or something like that. I would just say something that would connect us. Right. Or I'd find, like, where you went to school or what hobbies and interests you had on LinkedIn. And then I would speak into that in some way, shape or form. And then I'd always see who we're connected to and say, oh, I. I saw that you're connected to Eli, and I was just playing pickleball with Eli last month.

[Randy Gage]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

And he's such a good guy.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

So I'd find these mutual ways of connection within the first couple lines. Then I wouldn't ask for advice. I would say, you know, what is the biggest challenge you're working on right now that I can help you accomplish? And that's kind of what I would leave it at. And I would find out what you needed and when I was hosting these events, I did probably 20 different LinkedIn networking events around the country in person. Live networking events that were two to three hours long. People would pay 5, 10, 20 bucks for an entry to come to these events. It was at, like, a restaurant or some type of lounge. And everyone, like you said, people would walk in the door, I would sit at the door, and I would just shake everyone's hand and say, what's your name? What are you up to? What's your biggest challenge? And I would do this in person, or what are you looking for? And people would say, you know, I'm in private equity or whatever, and I'm looking for a programmer. I'm looking for a designer. I'm looking for a writer to help me write my book, or I'm looking for a producer for a podcast I want to do. And I'd say, okay, great. And I've had a mental note. And then as everyone would come in, there'd eventually be a graphic designer or producer or whoever that they were looking for. And I would take them over and say, you need to meet Randall right now. And I would take them in and connect them, and I'd say, randall's this. You're this chat. And at the end of the night, there'd be 300 people that I was connecting in some way, shape or form that were helping each other solve their problems, whatever their biggest pain was at that time. And I think when you find a way to serve people on overcoming their pain or their challenge, you become a champion to them. And I didn't ask them for anything in return, but they all wanted to offer something eventually or in three, five years down the line, maybe. I'd be like, hey, I'm doing this thing. Could you help me? And they'd be like, yes, I've been waiting to kind of give you back, like, what you helped me. And it's not doing it with the intention of, like, getting something in return, but I think it's always good to serve others and overcoming their problems, because I can't remember if it was Zig Ziglar or Bob Proctor, but it's like, if you want to accomplish your goals, help everyone else accomplish their goals is what one of these individuals said. And I learned that early on. It's just like, just help everyone accomplish their goals. Like, you're gonna eventually make money. You know, who knows how you're gonna make money, but you'll eventually make money doing something.

[Randy Gage]

I hope you're enjoying this video so far. But before we Jump back in. I want to know if you've ever thought about what you need to do to reach the next level of success in your life. Over the last 25 years, I've been an advisor to more than 50 companies. I've invested nearly 100, including Google, lift and Seagate. And I also co founded a company that today is worth more than $15 billion. I've been incredibly blessed in my journey and at this stage in my life. I want to give back. I want to share the lessons I've learned so you can reach incredible success way faster than I did in my own journey. I've learned that having the right mentor is a massive advantage to achieving our goals. I'm hugely passionate about mentoring others. I'm looking for a few hungry entrepreneurs who are excited to take action on their journey to incredible future success. So if that's you, I've got an opportunity. In the description of this video, there's a link where you can apply to work with me. All you need to do is answer a few simple questions, and if you're a good fit, my team will reach out so we can build a game plan together. All right, now let's get back to the video. You're a famous guy in the business world today, whether you're going to humbly say that or not. You've got millions of followers, a billion downloads on your show, which is amazing. Congratulations, by the way. Your podcast is amazing. Can people still reach out to you on LinkedIn and do you respond?

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, I respond a lot and still respond a lot, but it's how they approach it. You know, it's all an approach.

[Randy Gage]

Okay.

[Lewis Howes]

Contact setting, it's approach. And I appreciate it. Again, I guess a way you could earn it is in some way read my mind, like, of what my biggest pain is, or if you're hearing me on one of my podcasts, talk about something like, you are the king of, like, extreme preparation. Right? Like, and obviously I can experience that. I don't know anyone else who's listened or learned or read where all these little moments are in my life. Some people might have some of them, but not all of them the way you have. So it's something that I acknowledge and appreciate in you because you've done your research. Obviously, most people don't do that much detailed research, so it connects me to your heart in a different way than most people, which I know we're going to be connected for a long time now because of your diligent research and preparation. So it's one thing I appreciate, acknowledge you for.

[Randy Gage]

I appreciate that. Thank you.

[Lewis Howes]

Because I know how much time it takes to do that. And maybe with ChatGPT, there's ways to find these things faster, but still you have to research intently and that takes a lot of energy and effort and it's, it's really hard to do. And it shows people that you care about them as a human being, not just, okay, tell me the secrets to this or whatever to gain something. So it's something I value and appreciate. And I think when someone can approach that in a message where they, they talk about something where, oh, most people don't approach it this way, or they said this one thing that I said once on a podcast that they heard and they had to really listen to the end to kind of catch that moment, whatever it might be. When people approach an email or message with me where they're trying to serve me first, where they're trying to offer something to, for a solution first, or if they've heard me talk about, ah, it's been hard to find the right people on my team to get to the next level or, you know, the podcast has been so successful for so long, but now it's been kind stagnant. It's still big, but it's not like getting exponential growth. And someone hears that and they say, I know why, I've researched why I have the one skill. Or I know the person who can help with this and it's proven, it's not going to waste his time. And I'm going to offer it for free. I'm going to offer a consultation, I'm going to do it for free and show you why. Then it's like, oh, this person wants to see me succeed. They don't just want to take something from me. And if someone wants to see you succeed and they reach out to you, showing how they can serve you or who they know who can help you, like, I've been talking about my journey to the Olympics and handball. So people have reached out to me about like, hey, I know this person at handball, how they can help you this part. And I'm like, cool, I'll talk to you. Let's, let's jump on a call when normally I would never take these calls, but it's supporting a dream bigger that I have for myself. And I think when you approach that, then I think you can. And this is how I got all my guests early on. Like, I wasn't that big. Like, I had a small brand and like an audience, but it was like in the Internet marketing world, it wasn't in the media business world really. And early on, the big thing, there was a lot of people launching books. And I had done webinars every week for years, which is how I was doing free webinars to generate leads to selling my prod, my courses online. This is back in 2009. 10, 11, 12. Right. That's how I made a lot of money early on with selling courses and learning how to generate leads, learning how to drive traffic, learning how to copyright, learning how to do all these things, these skills that I didn't know. And early on I was like, how do I get big authors that kind of look at me maybe like an Internet marketer. I'm still not like a mainstream brand and, you know, I'm not credible yet. And I said, listen, I'll do a free webinar to my audience and I'll sell at least 500 books for you. I did this with Gary Vee, I did this with Robert Green. I did this with a bunch of authors early on. I was like, I will guarantee 500 books are sold. If not, I'll buy them.

[Randy Gage]

And it's a great pitch.

[Lewis Howes]

Right? And any author in their launch week is going to want like a bunch of books. And I was like, they're going to be individual orders, not just that are in my, like living room. Right, right. So it was all. The New York Times was a big deal back then. It still is, I guess today. But it was even bigger then. It was hard. And I was helping all these authors sell hundreds of hundreds of books, thousands of books by doing webinars. But I said, I want to record it and make it an interview for my podcast. And so this is kind of how I got big names early on. I had to be strategic, I had to be resourceful. I had to like, offer them something. Not just, hey, I have a brand new podcast. Give me an hour of your time. When you're the busiest person in the world and the most sought out person in the world, I said, no, I'm going to do this for you. I'm going to do this for you. And it was always fun. And still today I look for people when they have something to promote. Hey, I want to help you promote this. I want to help you do this. And it's like, how can I create the win win by serving first? And I still think about that today.

[Randy Gage]

I think it's amazing. I do want to come back to the prep and I appreciate the compliment. Extreme preparation is my brand. I'm Writing a book by it. It's the core of my executive coaching.

[Lewis Howes]

I love it.

[Randy Gage]

People want one on one coach.

[Lewis Howes]

When's the book out?

[Randy Gage]

Hopefully the end of next year. I'm well, well behind on my, on my.

[Lewis Howes]

What's holding you back from getting it complete?

[Randy Gage]

Just, you know, the divorce has been a big distraction and mentally you have to be in the right place.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Randy Gage]

So.

[Lewis Howes]

And I. Do you have a guide or a coach helping you finish it?

[Randy Gage]

Yes. I mean, I have a ghostwriter, but they don't actually write the book. So that's, that's kind of coaching you. It's, it's kind of like, you know, you need to write 40 hours, you know, with your ghostwriter and you know, he'll put things down on paper, which is easier than you beginning from scratch. But it's easier to. At first I was thinking, okay, maybe I should just do this on my own. And it is better to have someone pushing you forward. You know, I've got deadlines, of course I've missed them all and at least

[Lewis Howes]

they can follow up with you.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah. You know, then I have a publisher and they're following up too. So we're all working together. So now I'm cranking. But just go back in, you know, to the preparation. So I've never listened to another podcast in my life. I woke up four and a half years ago and I said I'm gonna start a podcast. But what I do do is I to. I print out every transcript of podcast that my guests have been on. So that's why I get the details and for yours, 254 single spaced pages of transcripts.

[Lewis Howes]

Oh my gosh.

[Randy Gage]

Right. In addition, I've read everything about you. Right. And then I found certain things online too that were not in the transcripts that also obviously I read your website and the research shows. So on average I prepare 14 hours per show.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Randy Gage]

Now when you know, you and I have been, I've been asked you to be on my show. Thank you for being here. Jordan, recent Weber, shout out to him because you guys met at a SiriusXM. Yeah. So he's the head sales guy there and he went up to you afterward and he said, hey, my friend Randy has a show in search of excellence. So he did.

[Lewis Howes]

I remember that.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah. You know, Jordan like a year ago or something. Yeah. So, yeah, shout out to Jordan, who's an amazing friend. But it's, it's very important to do your research. Extreme preparation will get you anywhere. If someone, if a company's laid off 40,000 people, and you're that guy or that woman who's done the research and shows people that you can really add value. Everyone is hiring at the end of the day, everybody.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, 100%.

[Randy Gage]

I got my big break writing cold letters asking for informational interviews to 300 CEOs as a loser lawyer who had three jobs in eight months. There was something called LexisNexis. There was no online, no Google them. Everyone told me my idea was crazy and stupid, that no one's going to meet with you. And at the end of the day, one thing, you got to trust your gut. Two, when some people tell you that, it just motivates you and you got the fuel on fire to succeed. So I got 80 meetings and every single person, CEO of Disney Viacom.

[Lewis Howes]

Really?

[Randy Gage]

Sumner Redstone out of 300. And every single person said the same thing. I've never taken a cold letter like this in my entire life.

[Lewis Howes]

You need to create the process of what those letters say, and that's going

[Randy Gage]

to be in my book. So, yeah, that's all in the book. But it's the same thing today, Louis. It's.

[Lewis Howes]

But people don't take the time to do it.

[Randy Gage]

They don't. Each letter took five hours to write. And I got all these people who

[Lewis Howes]

I handwritten or they typed. Emails. Emails.

[Randy Gage]

No, no emails. Letters. People.

[Lewis Howes]

They were typed, but you shipped and you sent them. They're physical.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah. People research. Take the time to read the letters. Asking informational interviews is different than a job interview because you're appealing to their sense of giving back. And most CEOs, most successful people, realize they think back where they came from. I never forgot where I came from. I remember every couch I slept on. I remember just begging and pleading.

[Lewis Howes]

You want to give back, but you want to do it with the right people. The people that, like, really appreciate it. Not just someone who doesn't do their research.

[Randy Gage]

They have to earn it.

[Lewis Howes]

They have to earn it. And you can earn it by doing five hours of research and sending a letter. Just doing it one step harder, Right? A little bit more. You could earn it that way, potentially.

[Randy Gage]

My letter had a cellophane cover. It had a quote that the CEO had given at some point in their career. The key to Disney is how we hire their CEO of Time magazine. The date. Then it was tabbed with my three page, single space letter that listed every job they'd ever had in their career.

[Lewis Howes]

I want this structure. I want the book now.

[Randy Gage]

Stephen Boldbach, CEO of Marriott, scooping ice cream At Disneyland when he was 16 years old for $1.27 per hour. Who knew that? It was mentioned in one article. Yeah, from 17 years ago. And once again, this is LexisNexis, where it's, you know, today you can maybe go find it, maybe not go find it. And it's like, that's how you get the meeting. And every now and then, you know, maybe once a month, I get the tab, single space letters, and everyone gets a meeting. Right.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow. I mean, so how would you. Would they email? Would they mail you back? Would they mail you back?

[Randy Gage]

Oh, no, they mail it.

[Lewis Howes]

They would write them the letter and say, let's do the.

[Randy Gage]

They would. They would type it. I get a cellophane cover. I get the tabs, I get the transcripts. It's everything. They know my dog. They've listened to shows. They can cite a podcast, they can cite quotes that I've, you know, they know my family.

[Lewis Howes]

No, but I mean, when you did these letters was 30, 40 years. When was this?

[Randy Gage]

Like 1996.

[Lewis Howes]

How did you get these responses back? Oh, people emailing you?

[Randy Gage]

Phone calls, emails? No, I mean, I don't know. That was kind of. It was a. Kind of a new thing, you know, so you get.

[Lewis Howes]

They would call you, the CEOs would call, the assistant would call and say, hey, we got. He got your letter.

[Randy Gage]

We'd like to meet with you. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

What was that like, getting those calls?

[Randy Gage]

I mean, the first one, the first meeting I got was Mark Platt, who is CEO of TriStar Studios. I remember going in, you know, as a kid, you're like, oh, my God, the movies are so great. I remember going on to the lot. I got a special parking spot. I'm walking around on these movie sets thinking, oh, gosh. I remember walking into the office. He had a basketball hoop there. Like, oh, my God. I mean, the head of a studio. This is incredible. And just, you know, the positive reinforcement. Stacy Snider was the next person. And, you know, you remember all these people who you meet. Eli Brod hired me at the end of the day. And again, it's. It's like crazy story.

[Lewis Howes]

I mean, so how long would they give you. Was like an hour of time. Was it like.

[Randy Gage]

It depend. It depends on.

[Lewis Howes]

You would just get an informational interview. You would ask them questions.

[Randy Gage]

I would ask them questions. They would ask me questions.

[Lewis Howes]

Recording it, voice related. I don't know, a tape recorder or something or just like writing.

[Randy Gage]

And the thing is, I was making a mistake because I remember writing this guy, David, hermolen in Detroit, who was a well known businessman on 10% Detroit Pistons insurance was his thing. And so he was a well known guy. I wrote him a letter. And in the letter it's kind of like how I got my podcast guests. You have credibility. It's how we build companies. You have one customer, it's referenceable and you have credibility. So maybe you responded because I had some credibility. And all of the guests, by the way, had. Gary V. Was on my show. Robert Green was on my show.

[Lewis Howes]

Tony Robbins.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah, yeah. Tony was amazing last week too. Yeah, yeah, great. My hero. Tony's the best. He wrote me or someone called me from his office, said, okay, David would like to meet with you. So I took the red eye, I'm in the back of the plane, I have no money. I go to this deli and it's like the Mafia boss there. There's eight people. It's seven in the morning, which is four o' clock in the morning, my time, Los Angeles. I sit down. He says, randy, he's Jewish, I'm Jewish. It's kind of like a Jewish geography thing. Where'd you grow up? Oh, who's your mom? I said, I, I, you know my mom's name. I said, I've known Linda since we were in fourth grade. Why didn't have her call me? And I said, david, I'm here. And he said, well, that's actually interesting and I respect the fact you did it on your own. But he said to me, he said, you're getting all these meetings. Look at all these people you met. He said, what are you doing? What's your goal? And my goal was to get a job. And he said, well, do you ask people for a job? And I said, no. And he said, why not? I said, because I feel bad. They're giving me the time, they're doing this.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, you'd want to ask for something else.

[Randy Gage]

He changed my life at that point. He said, you got to ask for the order. I sell insurance for a living. No one wakes up and said, I need life insurance today. They don't even know what it is. So the bell went off. Eli Broad I met a little while longer. I didn't have to ask for the order because my research was so detailed.

[Lewis Howes]

He said, I need to hire you.

[Randy Gage]

He said, you have the biggest set of balls I've ever met in my lifetime. But I knew everything about. He said, I've never met anyone like you. I was asking questions about in the footnotes of the financial statements regarding poor interest of Accounting, like It was the 17th footnote. And he's like, where the fuck did you get this from? But I didn't even know what that meant. Yeah, but it's like, that's how you do it, right? That's how you knock someone off their chair and with extreme preparation. That's how you do it. That's the core of my executive coaching. And again, it works 99% of the time.

[Lewis Howes]

That's incredible. You gotta get this book out.

[Randy Gage]

It works. Yeah. I mean, yeah, the book is gonna be.

[Lewis Howes]

Put it out yesterday.

[Randy Gage]

Hopefully. It's life changing for people because these techniques, anyone can do them. You just gotta put in the work. You're right. And you know, people say this too. Sent out 100 resumes. Well, how much time do you spend on each one? Are they different? Like, okay, if you, you would do better. Your probability of success would increase massively if you spent an hour for one.

[Lewis Howes]

We got a guy, we got a guy on our team, he's a young video editor guy. He made this incredible, like video resume custom to me. And the show that was so unique and different than every other application we get, I was like, this guy spent days on this, at least days. And I go, and he's no guarantee of getting a job. He's not getting paid for this. But it was so creative. I was like, we need someone who's thinking like that, who's going to willing to do whatever it takes. And now he works with us the best. Like if you just phone it in and send general resumes or whatever, it's just not going to stand out.

[Randy Gage]

We're going to go back in time. You're on your sister's couch, start paying rent.

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Randy Gage]

And you go on Craigslist. Jim was on my show, by the way, Newmark, founder of Craigslist, who's great, you know, you should get him on your show. By the way, very interesting interview. There's a sports marketing job you apply for. Get the interview.

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Randy Gage]

And then you don't go.

[Lewis Howes]

I don't go. Yeah.

[Randy Gage]

So talk about you didn't go because you didn't want to do it. And at the end of the day,

[Lewis Howes]

I got dressed up and I was like ready to go out the door. I remember this. And I was like. Because I went. I had a sports. I finally graduated college and I got a sports management degree. So I was into sports because I played sports and I liked marketing. So I was like, okay. I could see myself doing that. And I opened the door to leave my sister's house And I'm like looking out at the car and I was just like, I couldn't walk out the door. I was just like, no, I'm not going to go. And maybe I lacked the courage to go for it or something, or I was like afraid or something, whatever. But it was really, I just, I had a lot of confidence at that moment where I was like, I feel like I'm going to get this job. I feel like when I go, I'm going to wow them. I'm going to talk about all the things I can do. I'm going to show them what I can do. I've already done some of these things and I'm going to get this job, I'm going to get some job and like some entry level job at this place. And then I'm determined. I'm going to work hard, I'm going to, I'm going to climb this ladder here and I'm going to be successful. But for whatever reason, I was just like, I don't think that's what I'm meant to do right now. And even though I didn't have any money and I was like struggling and living on my sister's couch, still, I just felt like I was meant to do something different. It was kind of a wake up call. I was like, well, if I'm not going to take this route, then I need to go all in on this other stuff and I need to start really learning how to make money and start figuring this out and have the courage to do these things. Things, not just research and do a little bit on LinkedIn. But like, now I need to figure out how to make real money, get off my sister's couch and be a grown adult.

[Randy Gage]

But you, you gave up something while you're broke, living on a couch without a concrete plan, actually a written plan, to pursue a passion. So everyone's listening out there today and everyone's saying, all right, here's Lewis.

[Lewis Howes]

How.

[Randy Gage]

Who didn't get a conventional job and is just, just gonna keep living on a couch because you think you can do something based on your passion to help people? Is that the same advice you'd give your kids?

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, man, it's interesting. I don't know, I, I guess it all depends the context of like how old they are in the situation, their life from what season they're in. Because I did jobs before then. I worked as a truck driver for a few months, six hours a day. I didn't want to do that job, but I think I needed to do that job because of, like, what it taught me. And it taught me that I didn't want to do these things. So I did other things that I was like, all right, I don't want to do these things. But maybe I would tell them, hey, you should go work for like a year somewhere and just learn some skills and realize you don't want to do that maybe and find something else. But I know what I would tell my kids. I think it's all based on, like, their personality type and, and what their dreams are. I would want them to fulfill their dreams the best way possible. That might be working at a company somewhere and learning and developing there. It may not be. I think it depends on their personality. But I would want to teach them early on how to be resourceful. And I think some people are meant to go start something on their own and figure out how to earn money and then manage all that that comes with money. And I think other people like being a part of a team and they do well being on a part of a team and they could rise with a team. I was almost forced. I don't think I was meant to be like a leader that learned how to make money. I was forced into that. It was very unnatural for me and it was very uncomfortable because my father essentially wasn't able, you know, he was essentially, he was alive, but he wasn't all there. He didn't, he didn't have the financial support that he could give to me or the education anymore. There was no safety net with my dad because of the situation. I was. And my sister was like, after a year and a half, you gotta leave. Like, you either gotta pay rent, you can't just be a bum on my couch anymore. So I had to, like, I was forced to eventually have to learn how to take action. And I could have gone and worked for a company and I would have got the job, but I just felt that something else was calling me. So I was like, all right, this is my time. While I'm broke, while I've had nothing to lose because I'm already at the bottom. Let me at least try for something and I can always go work somewhere else and I'll be okay. And I think that was a good turning point for me, that it gave me an opportunity to try something different.

[Randy Gage]

Another big moment in your life, and it's important to all of us, is I meet professionally with people, I invest in people's companies, and one of the things that they have to do is give me the one liner on what they're doing elevator pitch. So if you can't explain to me in one sentence what you're doing, in the same way that my grandmother, before she passed away at 104, could understand it, knowing nothing about technology, I have zero interest in funding you. In funding you. Because if you can't tell me, you cannot sell what you're doing. So tell us about Jim Calm and the elevator pitch and how important that was in your career.

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, Joe Calm. Yeah. Joe Calm was, who's an online marketer who had also written books and New York Times bestseller early on. This is 2009. I believe it was 2009. I'm starting to go to, like, conferences and events to network, because I'm like, I need to be around these leaders and experts and thought leaders. And I was reading a lot of blogs at that time, and I was just, like, trying to learn about online marketing. I was learning from all these kind of experts teaching these thought leaders. And then I start going to these conferences. I'm taking buses around the country and staying in freaking hostels with, like, 20 guys throwing up in the middle of the night just to, like, get in and finding ways for people to give me a free pass. And I'm somehow getting in front of all, like, the big speakers at these events and having moments with them. And a lot of it was like, okay, you've got one moment to say something interesting, and they're moving on to the next person. And he goes like, what's your elevator pitch? Like, I had another guy. There was a friend of mine who came to one of my LinkedIn networking events who knew this guy Joel. And he said, here's my friend Louis. He's the LinkedIn king. So he kind of positioned me without me having to say anything in front of, like, one of these thought leaders. And Joel looked at me and said, okay, give me the pitch on LinkedIn. And I go, well, here's why LinkedIn is the best, and it's the biggest network, and it's going to help you grow your business. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I said something that was like, I put it out there, and he's like, okay, cool. Then he moved on. I was like, I don't know what I said, but I had a lot of passion and enthusiasm with what I was saying for whatever reason. A few weeks later, I got an email from him that says, hey, I'm doing this online boot camp. This, like, free workshop, essentially a webinar where I'm teaching about Twitter. I'm teaching Social media marketing for businesses. And I've got the Twitter person, I've got the YouTube person and the Facebook person, but I don't know anyone else talking about LinkedIn. Again, it's 2009. No one's really talking about it. I don't know anyone talking about LinkedIn. Like, you, can you come and do a training, like a webinar, teach? I was like, yes, I'm in. But I'd never done one. I didn't know what I was doing. So I tried to research and study how to do it and end up doing this webinar with him. And this changed my life because it unlocked. Within an hour, I made $6200 selling a program that I hadn't even made yet. I had a PayPal link that I just gave people, and I said, hey, buy this program. I'll deliver it in two weeks. We'll do it weekly live. Do it live. And it was broadcasting joke. He got it. You got that right. We'll do it live and unlock something in front of me. Because I was like, I was running around the country doing these LinkedIn networking events, making, you know, 500, 1000 bucks, maybe 1500 bucks, like, cash. But it was like, it's a grind going around, like, getting one by one to people to show up to an event, giving me five, ten bucks, not really making much. This was $6,200 in an hour, just teaching something I already knew. And I was like, I could do this every day for the rest of my life. You know, it's like teaching something I already know and just sharing it with people. So I was like, I need to learn webinars. I need to learn how to master teaching, presenting, slide design, you know, curation. I need to learn how to sell. I need to learn how to do all these things. And that's what I did for, like, the next five, six years was just like, do the same thing over and over every week, week, and try to develop new skills. But that unlocked my ability to think about, oh, I can actually make money. When before then, I didn't know how to make money. I didn't know money would ever come to me. I was kind of afraid of money. I wasn't sure of it. I just didn't understand it. Like, even money terminology just kind of scared me. I was like, I'm too stupid to know what that means, so maybe it's not meant for me. And so all these things gave me, like, just. It opened my mind to possibilities of how to make like, it's possible. I did it once, let's see if I can do it again. And that was a game changer. But that one relationship, showing up to that event and meeting that guy, giving him a passionate pitch around why I think LinkedIn is the best thing ever. Him following up and saying, let's do this thing, me saying yes, having the courage to figure out how to do it, all this stuff, I had to keep taking the action steps to make that even a possibility, where it opened my mind.

[Randy Gage]

We're gonna hit your show now, but before we get into the details of the show, I want you to define for everybody what is greatness.

[Lewis Howes]

For me, greatness is pursuing your gifts and talents, developing them to live your dreams. And in the pursuit of your dreams, you're making an impact on the people around you.

[Randy Gage]

I love it.

[Lewis Howes]

For me, it's about, I think it's a two pronged approach. It's about doing what you feel called inside of you to do and figuring out how to develop those skills to, to make that into fruition. But doing it in a way where you're impacting people positively in that process, in the journey at the end, you're just always in service to other people while you're in service to the thing you're called to do.

[Randy Gage]

So many of us experience kind of a jumping off point at our lowest point.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Randy Gage]

And so here we are 13 years ago, things are not going great for you. You moved to LA for a girl, you break up at a problem with the business partner, and here you are and you're. You've got these two guys, you know, who started podcast. They talk about great lead gen for you. I think Joe Rogan had a podcast back then.

[Lewis Howes]

The was a couple other people and that was about it.

[Randy Gage]

A couple other people. So tell us the first show you had, who was the guest? And then tell us how you've been able to grow your show to be one of the best, most successful shows ever.

[Lewis Howes]

Robert Green was my first guest and I had like an email introduction through him at some point from someone.

[Randy Gage]

That's a big one.

[Lewis Howes]

It was a big one, man. And I was like, I need someone big to start, right? And so that was the whole, hey, can I help you sell a bunch of these books? Let me do a webinar with you. So I literally went to his house and like recorded a webinar on my computer selling his books. But I made it like a great interview piece. At the end, I sold his books and he allowed it to happen. And then we launched it as, like, an episode. And for me, I just. I said for myself, I'm gonna do this as an experiment. I'm gonna do this for one year, once a week, every. Every week for a year, and I'm gonna see how I like it. I didn't try to make money with it. I wasn't trying to do anything. I was like, I'm just gonna see if I can build my brand, interview fascinating people, learn, and hopefully help some people. And after one year, I was like, man, I really love this. And the messages were people coming in saying, hey, Louis, I listened to you on Mondays, and then I don't know what to do the rest of the week. Can you do twice a week? So year two, I did twice a week, and then they said the same thing. Hey, I listened to you twice a week, and then I don't know what to do the rest of the days. So I've done three times a week for the last 11 years, every single week for 13 years. And I think preparation has been one of the things that allowed me to connect with people and interview people. Originally. I use my kind of LinkedIn skills of, like, getting people on the phone or in person to book guests. And that's something I've seen you do, you know, firsthand how you've been consistent and following up. And a lot of it's been patience, too. I've been patient for years until I book guests, and I have, like, one of the biggest shows, and I still have to be patient to get guests that I want and strategic and finding the right moment and the right time, okay, when are they launching something? How can I serve them? Not how can they serve me? And I still use that same approach. You know, before every guest comes on, they sit down, I ask them all the same question. What is. What would make this the most powerful conversation you've ever had? Right before we start, I say this, we say a lot of other stuff beforehand, but then it's like, what would make this the most powerful conversation you've ever had? And my intention is to impact millions of lives around the world with what you're about to say. And I think it grounds them to say, oh, this person wants to serve me. He wants to help me. He's trying to put me in the best light possible. He's trying to get the best out of me.

[Randy Gage]

Me.

[Lewis Howes]

So let me make sure I give him my best. And it's not about him. It's about serving millions of lives. And I think when people realize the impact they're about to have, I think they give, you know, they get, they get centered. They're present, they're authentic, they're more vulnerable, all these things. And so the preparation has supported me and it's the pre show is the show. You know, it's like when we connected out here. For me, that's everything, how those first few minutes land and it's usually the same thing with the guests. Like I'm thinking of the pre show experience, how my team receives someone. We, you know, get their, like coffee orders beforehand, ask what they need for special requests. We have things set up in the green room whenever they need. We try to pre plan these things. Now I've got 13 years of experience doing this, so I've learned what works for me. It's, it's greeting them outside, it's making sure they have like whatever, like the whole thing is set up from when they come in to when they leave. It's trying to make the best experience experience possible for them. And there's always ways to make it better. Just like there's always ways that you can prepare differently and improve your preparation. It's like, okay, how can we improve this? How can we improve this? How can we improve this from like, what's the mood we want to create with the music that's on in the, in, in our green room, from the photography we take beforehand, all this different stuff. It's part of the, the pre show experience. When you go to Vegas and you watch Cirque du Soleil, there's a show before the show. You know, the performers are out there, they're interacting and they're entertaining you. Like the show has already begun before you sit down in the chair. And, and I think when you can create that with a guest, whether it's how you approach them in your email, how you connect them beforehand, it's making the whole experience great.

[Randy Gage]

My first guest was a guy named Sam Zell, who was a mentor in the real estate world. He was a God. He invented the modern day REIT. He was on the first Ford 400 list that came out in 1982 and he had gone to Michigan. And this reporter named Jerome Levin, who was the head business reporter for the Detroit Free Press, called me when I was living next to the Jack in the box. I heard you're gonna make a lot of money. And there's this story about this kid in Detroit who's about to blow up our company had actually gone public. And so he was gonna write this piece. He did. It was, you know, my mom couldn't have written a better piece. And he called me that night and he said, hey, what'd you think? Oh, Tyrone, that was really, really nice. It was something I didn't want to do, by the way. I was, didn't, no one needed to know my financial situation. Everyone loves talking about the money. And he said to me on that call, he said, do you know who Sam Zell is? And I said, yeah, he's a hero to me, a business guy. I've read about Sam. His name is all over University of Michigan campus. And so I said, do you want to meet Sam? Like, I'd love to meet Sam. Thinking the reporter does not know Sam well enough to call him at 9:00 at night. All right, I'll call you back. Five minutes later he called me back. I talked to Sam. Here's his number. He'd love to meet you. I, I text Sam, and there I am, Lewis, living my dream. I just bought the Porsche that I always wanted. I used to sit in the Porsche dealership once a year. One day I'm going to have this car and there I am driving down pch, top down, music blaring, I'm going to meet Sam Zell. It was amazing. So he became a friend and a mentor to me. Is one of the great moments of my life as well. And we were friends, but I never requested something of him. I didn't want to impact the friendship. Very hesitant about it.

[Lewis Howes]

I'm the same way with a of lot of people that I meet. I don't ask them for things. Like, I don't ask for anything.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

And maybe I need to stop doing that.

[Randy Gage]

I, I, I was so nervous, I said, okay, I'm going to start a podcast.

[Lewis Howes]

And you asked him to come on.

[Randy Gage]

Eight and a half years ago, one of my interns who said, you know, our internship is life changing. You teach us every day. You have guest speakers who don't do this, but they come in because they're friends and we like to help people. I said, no one listen to the podcast. That's really stupid. I never listen to a podcast. And obviously, like so many things in life, I was dead wrong. And four and a half years ago I woke up, I'm gonna start a podcast just because I want to give back, like you. I said, what's my goal in life? What's my passion? It's to give back. It's to help people.

[Lewis Howes]

Serve.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah, it's, it's to serve. Like, of all, of all the things I've done, this is this is it. And like you, I have the same goal. 100 million people. That's. That's the goal.

[Lewis Howes]

We can do it together.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah. And so, God, I was so nervous, you know, I picked up the phone, called Sam. You know, this is the first time I asked him for anything. And before the words were out, he said, I've loved to do it. Wow, it just made me feel so good. And I got emotional. I could hardly speak, thinking, God, that's, you know, that's the kind of guy he is. And people give you your big break. And that gave me credibility. Sherman Stone was my second guest, but Cliff Kingsbury, football coach, was my third guest.

[Lewis Howes]

That's pretty cool.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah, Cliff's amazing. If you haven't had him on your show, he's a great guest.

[Lewis Howes]

That's cool.

[Randy Gage]

You know, he's going to get another shot here at a head coaching job, so he'll probably have another one. I think one of the things that's important for anybody starting a company is you can't wait until perfection. You got to get it out there. You just got to start now and stop worrying about making it perfect. You had that same mentality, tell everyone kind of what you were doing at the beginning, doing this, doing that, and, and how it's always good to constantly improving.

[Lewis Howes]

I mean, with the podcast.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah, yeah. Could you.

[Lewis Howes]

I mean, yeah, I was recording my phone and like, busy gyms and like, it was loud and the tech was bad and, you know, I didn't know what I was doing. I was filming on my kitchen, living room. I had a. I still remember I was in like a tiny little apartment when we moved to LA originally, the first year, just a one bedroom apartment. And I had a little circle table in my kitchen and I had like, you know, Shawn Johnson, Olympic gold medalist, like, in my little living room with two little mics. And it was just like the most basic setup with big names.

[Randy Gage]

And were you kind of like coming in my small apartment? You know, what are they going to see when they walk in here?

[Lewis Howes]

A bit. But I was also just like, whatever, young and hungry. And I was like, hey, I'm excited. I was just like, I want to make this great and put it out there. And there was again, 13 years ago, there was no, like, podcast recording studios. Like, no one was really doing that. And there was no video. It was just audio, really, back then it was all audio. Maybe Joe Rogan was doing or maybe a couple tech shows or something, but it wasn't like big. And so I was just trying to Record and do the best I could. And just again, I was building relations with people and just saying, how can I serve you? How can I promote you? How can I offer more guidance or help? And it didn't feel like an ask. It more felt like, I want to promote you. And so I was finding people that I already had a relationship with that I was like, hey, I just want to help. I want to promote. You got this thing out. You got this book out. Let me help you. Here's a way I can do it. And they'd be like, great. So it didn't feel bad.

[Randy Gage]

You just got to get out there.

[Lewis Howes]

You got to do it. Yeah. And just think, how can I make it better? How can I improve every time?

[Randy Gage]

Let's talk about some of the things that make us successful. You've talked about mindset. So what do you mean that someone has the great. Needs a great mindset to actually go do it and accomplish their dream?

[Lewis Howes]

Well, I just think gratitude and generosity are the gateway to abundance in all areas of your life. Relationships, financially, you know, health. That when we are grateful and when we live in generosity, when we give to others, it's going to make us feel more rich. It's going to enrich our lives. And I think that's a. That's what a great life is, is a rich, beautiful life. And that starts with gratitude and generosity. And that could be, you know, I just have gratitude baked. It seems so basic, but I have gratitude baked throughout my entire day.

[Randy Gage]

Day.

[Lewis Howes]

From the morning when I wake up, I think, say thank you, God. I say thank you to my wife and I say what I'm grateful for. If someone calls my cell phone, I don't really, I. I text, I don't really pick up the phone because I have it on mute all the time. But if you text me or if you call me, you get my answering machine, it's going to say, feel free to leave a message. But share what you're grateful for first. I love that I'm always evoking gratitude out of others and asking them, hey, what are you grateful for? Today, literally, I had two team members that were in my office this morning before I came here, they walked in, I said, what are you grateful for? From the weekend, they both shared. Ah, I'm grateful for I got some time with my friends, my family. I got to sleep, I got to recover. Cool. I just think that mindset makes us more creative, makes us more appreciative, makes us more resourceful as opposed to living in a victim. Mindset of what you're ungrateful for or being a lack of generosity. And I was never going to be the smartest. I'm still never going to be the smartest. I'm never going to be the most intelligent or have the most skills. But I learned early on by going to events and conferences and meeting people, meeting, leading. You know, if I was 23 and I met someone like you, I'd have been like, I don't belong. But I brought so much joy, I brought so much curiosity. Like, I was just curious. I'd be like, can you tell me more about this? And I would just listen and I would be so attentive and be like, wow, that's fascinating. I was just so curious about human beings. That was generous. That was me being generous by being curious. For whatever reason, people just wanted to be around me, not because I had anything to offer. I didn't have money at that time. I didn't have a skill set, and I have degrees, whatever, credibility, But I was not, like, just curious. And I think that allowed me to get my foot in the door. Now you got to be. You got to do more than just that. But that was, that was the mindset that started for me. And I think if I, if I look at all the people I've interviewed, you have a lot of friends who are billionaires and sports stars and sports coaches. It's like, yes, they're all willing to work harder than everyone else in their field. Obviously, they have to work hard. They have to have extreme preparation. They have to do all the little things. Right, Right. But I think if you accomplish it all, but you don't have friends or your, your kids don't want to spend time with you, or you just have anger in your heart. That's not greatness. So you have to have gratitude and generosity. And you've learned at this season. 56, 57.

[Randy Gage]

57.

[Lewis Howes]

You've learned, okay, I have all the money. I've did the billion dollar thing. I've got, you know, I've got it. I know everyone like, sure, you can make more money, but what are you gonna do with it? You can't take it with you. So you're at a point where, like, how do I serve? How do I invest in others? Whether that's with a check, my time, with my content, with my books, with mentorship, whatever you want to find ways to use your money time, your resourcefulness to give and serve a hundred million lives. That's what's a rich, great life for you. It's not how do I build the next unicorn? If you don't care about that, I mean, maybe if it happens, cool, but it's not your main focus to make more money as your number one priority. Sure, you're playing the scorecard and it's like a game still, and you've got to do something with your time, but a lot of your time is giving service, connection, relationships, and that's greatness to me.

[Randy Gage]

You're listening to part two of my incredible interview with Lewis Howes, one of the best interviews I've ever done. Lewis is the host of the School of Greatness, which has over a billion downloads. He's a former professional athlete. He's an executive coach, bestselling author. If you haven't yet listened to part one, be sure to check that one out first. Now, without further ado, here's part two of my awesome interview with Louis. I mean, it's. My goal is to have people achieve the success that I've had by teaching them lessons that I've learned on how to get there. And most people think about, okay, they'll talk about the successes. I love talking about the failures a lot more than the successes because that's where you, I think, learn the most. One of the things, too, that I love about my podcast, I get to meet people like you who teach me things that I can incorporate into my own life. Imitation is the greatest form of flattery. I'm changing my message on my voicemail today to the gratitude.

[Lewis Howes]

Just say, hey, what are you grateful for today? Then leave me your message.

[Randy Gage]

Right. I mean, that's, that's brilliant. And I just want to comment on one thing you said as well. Always surround yourself by people better than you, who know more than you do. Ask people questions. There's no such thing as a dumb question. If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely.

[Randy Gage]

I've been saying that forever. And it's, it's, you know, like you, I feel stupid, you know, around some of these people that I get to meet.

[Lewis Howes]

Like. Oh, like, I. I guess one question I'd ask you is, you know, when was your first divorce?

[Randy Gage]

I was 38.

[Lewis Howes]

38?

[Randy Gage]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

You're going to be 58.

[Randy Gage]

I'll be 58.

[Lewis Howes]

But hopefully the finalizer. Yeah, this one. So it's a 20 year difference.

[Randy Gage]

Yep.

[Lewis Howes]

So if you could go, if you give a piece of advice to your 38 year old self from where you are now with everything, you know from marriage and divorce, what would that advice be to that 38 year old self,

[Randy Gage]

I think it would just be the same. You got to live your life and you got to be true to yourself. You have to put your significant, your spouse or whoever this is before your own needs. And marriage is work. And so when I was younger, I had this ideal that, gosh, you know, marriage is bliss and relationships are work. Marriages work. And it's hard. You know, the sad thing is more than half the people get married, get divorced, and if you're a product of divorce, the probability of increase gets like 75%.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Randy Gage]

80%. And so it's my kids.

[Lewis Howes]

You didn't have a healthy model.

[Randy Gage]

Right. And I mean, my kids are terrified. Now on the other hand, my mom said this to me. Everyone has a right to be happy and no one signed up to be a martyr. Not that my marriages were so bad because they, they weren't. Right. I mean, people have problems in their marriages and obviously I'm a little embarrassed. I, I'm going through my second divorce. I'm 57. You know, you want to date women and I got, you know, do I really want to date someone who's been divorced twice? And I've got five kids now, by the way, if you don't like the fact I have five kids, I don't even want to know you. Yeah, like I have no interest in, you know, dating you. But if you look back and you think about, you know, what did I learn and do differently? I think we have to understand that who you are at 38 is not who you are at 57.

[Lewis Howes]

You're a different person.

[Randy Gage]

You're a whole different person, different life experience. You've been through things with your kids. You're more mature on the one hand, and you've been through life experiences on the other hand. And you know, when you have a spouse 17 years younger than you, you know, at 40. Did I grow up the same person at 57? I didn't. And this is true for everyone looking at marriage today. When you think about it and you know, you've, you're newly married and relatively newly married and you got to ask yourself, are you going to grow on parallel path for the rest of your life? And the answer is, regardless of how much you're in love and how much support you have, you don't have the answer to that question until life actually happens.

[Lewis Howes]

You don't know.

[Randy Gage]

Right. People get sick. There are relationships you have in laws that can really affect, you know, I mean, there's a million things. Right. There's Jobs, all kinds of things. And so if you could go into

[Lewis Howes]

the Future Then, at 67 and imagine traveling to the future, what would your 67 year old self say to you now about the next steps you should be taking?

[Randy Gage]

Well, they would say, I'm glad you are where you are because I'm going to be happily married at 67 for the third time. I'll have grandkids, God willing. First of all, I hope I'll be living at 67. Right. I appreciate where I am every day. I'm healthy, my kids are healthy. I'm grateful. Health first. Right. If you could take all the money and, you know, put me in the shed, as long as I was healthy, I mean, I could live and, you know, I would make it back, you know, I would do so. Something. But, you know, I, I think that I'm going to get remarried again. I want to get remarried again. I want to share my life with somebody else. And, you know, third time's a charm. They say, there you go. So. So, you know, we'll. We'll see.

[Lewis Howes]

That's awesome.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah. I mean, and, and that's a, a great question that, that you asked. Let's talk about. I mean, you've given me so many compliments on the show and I'm grateful. Extreme preparation is the core of my success. I mean, his work ethic is extreme preparation. Extreme preparation means being creative about things. Right. It's doing things and thinking things. I'll give you something else in my book, which people hear the story and they said, oh, you know, this is a way to think about turning the impossible into the easy reality of how you look at the situation. Just reorient in your mind. So my daughter went to Wisconsin, had a friend who asked me for advice on. He's got this job fair coming up. And it's like he just wants the emotional reconnection for me to give him a positive experience.

[Lewis Howes]

Because he's not going to do it, though.

[Randy Gage]

He's listening. No, he's motivated, but he's listened to my show before, so it's like he's a disciple of the show. And so I said, all right, Andy. I said, give me the layout of the room. I said, okay, there's 80 companies he wants to meet with. 14. I said, well, can you get the names of the people who are meeting them from the company? He said, no, that's the issue. I said, so that's the problem. I said, no, that's the opportunity. And so I said, give me the layout of the room. Give Me how many square feet it is, you know, have you been there? Yeah, I was there last year. So he gives it to me. I said, I assume these people have boost, you know, whatever company is there. And I said, can you read the name tags of these people from 15ft away? He said, yes. I said, when does it start, when does it end? You kind of got to go backwards on the math. I said, you're going to get there early, you're going to do a tour, you're going to write down people's names, you're going to have 14 pieces of paper and you're going to go out and you're going to go on a corner after you do this, you're going to look on LinkedIn, you're going to write down three bullet points on every single person at every single company, company by company. You're also going to bring thank you notes that are pre written because you're going to be in time. It's a fill in the blank. This is a mad lib issue. Amazing, right? And so I said, you're going to go in and then you're going to go interview. And just like we talked about, having the preparation, doing the work, doing things nobody else does. So he went in, I mean this was a done deal before I even started going into these, right?

[Lewis Howes]

So he had it all prepared.

[Randy Gage]

He had it all prepared. And he looks at the notes and then he goes in, he said, you know, Luke Lewis, you know, tell me about, you know, Principia College and how you, you know, we're sleeping on your sister's couch when you were 24 years old and it took you three years to get off the couch. Everyone's like, what the fuck?

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, how do they know this?

[Randy Gage]

Right? How the fuck? And so he tells him the process. Everyone's blown away. Not only do you go 14 for 14, but you have now given somebody the impression of something, a story that they will remember forever and tell for the rest of your life. You will be that person. And even before that person gets back to their boss, he's told everybody, he's

[Lewis Howes]

bragged about you, this one person stood out the whole time.

[Randy Gage]

Okay, so that's the home run. The walk off grand slam is I have a rule 10 minute thank you note, right? So you fill it in, you leave and now you're going around and you got 28 thank you notes. You bring 30 in case you make a mistake, right? The stream preparation, plan ahead for mistakes. The walk off grand slam. There is a difference between writing a thank you note. I mean emails are so lazy. Forget the email.

[Lewis Howes]

You need a physical thing.

[Randy Gage]

Physical thing. And it's the speed by which you deliver the email. Always I tell people, job interview, bring the thank you note, coffee shop, half hour, deliver it back. Right.

[Lewis Howes]

You go after you're done, then you write it.

[Randy Gage]

Well, it's pre written, but if you're going, I mean if it's in person. So you go downstairs. You mean sit on a curb? If you have to sit on it. If there's no coffee shop, you go down and write it.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. Or you've already pre written it.

[Randy Gage]

Pre written, but. And just fill in the bag. I mean if it's, if you're there and you're not, you know, dealing with 14 companies, you can write it out, it's a little better and you can get the details in there, but go back a half an hour. And by the way, thick cardstock make the investment with your name on it. If it's thin, you're weak. If it's thick, you're strong. Right. It's the impression. Right.

[Lewis Howes]

I need to get all these details from you. Right. I mean, figure out where do you get your card stock from.

[Randy Gage]

I mean you, you, you go online. There's like £20 paper, £30 paper. I mean there's all these, all these different pound. I should get like 50.

[Lewis Howes]

50 pound paper?

[Randy Gage]

Yeah, like 50.

[Lewis Howes]

But you're just doing one piece.

[Randy Gage]

Are you doing like, like no, no cars. Just, you know, your name on it? Yeah, just your name on it.

[Lewis Howes]

You don't have to hold a whole

[Randy Gage]

thing with your head.

[Lewis Howes]

Just like a car.

[Randy Gage]

One card.

[Lewis Howes]

Not a whole long letter.

[Randy Gage]

Yeah, no, it's like a three, three sentence thing.

[Lewis Howes]

One set, one card. Front of the card.

[Randy Gage]

Front. Thank you.

[Lewis Howes]

No, that's it.

[Randy Gage]

I mean sometimes you go over, if you got left to right, that's all you need.

[Lewis Howes]

It doesn't need to be a whole long letter. Better though.

[Randy Gage]

There's, there's a, there's just, it's, it's, these are the little things that are the difference. Citadel 29,000 summer applications for a job. Right. How are you going to separate yourself working for Ken Griffin, the best hedge fund, most successful, probably ever created by mankind to go in and get that job. You know, this preparation is in the separation.

[Lewis Howes]

And then now there's probably like a hundred people sending letters. So you have to be even, you know, out of those hundred. How do you differentiate?

[Randy Gage]

Right, right. I mean, you know, last summer, our summer program, 10,000 applications.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Randy Gage]

And I'm A small nobody. I got a small firm. Right? It's. You go on LinkedIn, you advertise and that's a lot. People, people want the mentorship. People want the job.

[Lewis Howes]

How many do you take?

[Randy Gage]

5, 10, 32. Wow. We didn't have it last summer for various reasons, but it's been a life changing program for, for most people.

[Lewis Howes]

That's cool.

[Randy Gage]

Full time mentorship if you're the best intern. Writing letters of recommendation. I've emailed the CEO of Goldman Sachs, David Solomon, who's been on my show.

[Lewis Howes]

Just hire them full time.

[Randy Gage]

Well, because I have a, you know, I, I have. So I've hired over the years, I think six, five or six former interns who are superstars, you know, one or two has been very disappointing, you know, but, you know, that's how, that's how the ball bounces. How has extreme preparation led to your amazing success? Can you give us one example that has stood out?

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. One of my, I guess one of the moments for me was with Kobe. I booked Kobe. I'll keep the story short. I booked it him at like 5 o' clock before I had the interview the next morning. So I got a call from his publicist. My team was talking to him and they tried to plan it like a month out the interview. And I just said, don't get off the phone until you book it tomorrow. Like, because if we schedule this a month out, it's going to get rescheduled. It's not going to happen, happen. I just know how this goes in LA with people. Like, that's why if I can't do it, I don't commit to it. You know, it's like, that's why I push it off for you for like a year, you know, I was like, hey, I'd love to. I'm just not doing interviews or I'm traveling, my wife's pregnant, I'm in Spain, you know, all these things. I was like, but when I say I'm gonna do it, okay, I'm in. You know. And so with him, we, we agreed the public was like, okay, 8:00am tomorrow morning. And it was like five or six o' clock at night, the night before. So I didn't have time to prepare. So it's kind of like, how do you prepare, have extreme preparation when you don't have five days or two weeks to prepare for this? You like, what, 14 hours to prepare for an interview set or something? Okay, like, and I want to get sleep and I want to be prepared like physically and I want to be exhausted when I'm there, because that's not going to look good. So how do I. And I had a commitment that night that I was already going to.

[Randy Gage]

You were at a concert?

[Lewis Howes]

Concert with Lindsey Sterling. That I was. She's a friend of mine. I was like, I'm not going to balance. I already committed to her, so I to have to keep my commitments. So I was like, how do I make the best of this? So I'm preparing like before, there, before she's warming up. I'm like researching online, but then I'm present when she's there. Then I'm working at night and I'm like, I need to get sleep because that's the most important thing. But I get up around 4, 4:30, and I have my videographer Tiffany with me in the car and I'm just like, you need to do all the research. We're prepping now. I can do all the research that people don't ask him about. Let's. Let's go through everything. We listen to a couple of his podcasts that he had. It was like an hour and a half or something to drive down there. And the interview is at 8am we get there around 6:15 or 6:30. Somewhere around them to the office. The assistant opens the door, turns the lights on in the office and kind of walks us around. And I'm trying to find a place to set up for the podcast. You know, our kind of camera set up. I walk past his office, but I didn't. The lights were off. And then as I walk back past it, I see a shadow of him. And I was like, oh, man, was that Kobe in there? And she was like, yeah, he's the first one in here every day. And I go, that is extreme preparation. Here's a guy who's won five NBA championships. He just won an Oscar for like a. A documentary. He did, you know, he. He had all the money, the, the success in the world, and he's still showing up first. I'm like, I don't do that. You know, that's like a whole another level of extreme preparation. That's just who he was. And she was like, yeah. And he was in the gym with his daughter this morning, working out, playing basketball before he got here. The one that passed away as well. I was just like, whoa, I'm preparing. I got there early, so I was making sure I was set up up. I was preparing on the way there. And I was just saying, we need to find the things that essentially what you do, like what will stand out when I bring it to him, when I ask him? We had a whole list of things that we couldn't talk about. So that eliminated a lot of topics that his PR team was like, you cannot ask these questions or go to these topics. So I had to get creative. And I was like, I've never heard him talk about love. I've never heard him talk about relationships in a certain way. I've never heard him share these other things. Things. And for me, the pre show is the show. For me, that is the show. And I was thinking he would get to come out sooner, but I'm there for an hour and a half, like 20ft away from his office, but he can't see us and we can't see him. And he doesn't come out until three minutes before eight. And the whole time I'm like, okay, am I going to have 10 minutes with him beforehand? 20 minutes, an hour? I don't know. And the interview is only supposed to be 20 minutes long is what the publicist said, because he had interviews all day coming up. So I was like, how am I going to get the best off in 20 minutes? It's really hard. And I told Tiffany, I said, have me mic'd up, have the. Have the cameras rolling. And when he walks out of his door, put the mic on him and start rolling. Because whatever we get beforehand, I'm going to try to make it part of the show. And I kind of did. What I did on LinkedIn early days was like, what is my first sentence? How can I find three things to connect with him? If this was like an email, how can I build that relationship? And right away I just said, thank you so much for all you do in the Olympics. I know how much of a fan you are in the Olympics, and I have so many Olympic friends that said you were like, the coolest guy, showing up at other sporting events, saying hi, taking selfies with people in the athletes village. So I just want to say thanks for that. And he goes, dude, I love the Olympics. It's like one of my favorite times every four years. I just love the athletes. I love it all. And I go, I'm actually, you know, on the USA handball team, and I'm pursuing my Olympic dream. And he goes, you play handball? And I go, yeah. And he goes, I played handball growing up in Italy. I go, I know. I go, it's pretty cool, right? He goes, it's the best sport. I wish they played it more in the usa. And it's so cool. You're going for this. And then I go. And I just wanted to, you know, I go, well, you'll have some mutual friends. I literally did the same script from LinkedIn. It's like, who do you know in common from your, like, LinkedIn profile connections? What interests do we have in common? And I did that and I said, we have some mutual friends. And the publicist said, oh, who do you know in common? She, like, doubted me. And I said, novak Djokovic. I had on the show. And he said some amazing things about, about you. And he goes, man, Novak Djokovic, that's my guy. I just talked to him recently. He's a killer on the court. He's the goat. And I go, I know. And then I literally said, there's a lot of things that we have off limits that I shouldn't talk about. Is there anything else that you don't want to talk about or what would make this the most powerful conversation we've ever done? And he looks me in the eyes, he grabs my knee, he goes, ask me anything you want and take as long as you need. And I was like, welcome, everyone, to the school of greatness. Kobe Bryant, here we go. And so that was, you know, I didn't have. Have days. Sometimes you don't have as time to prepare, and you have to use, like, your experience, your resourcefulness to just be present in the moment. Like, maybe you meet someone on the street or you're on a plane and you're like, oh, that's the CEO of this company. You didn't have hours to prepare. You have a moment. And I think it's leaning on your experience of preparation and saying, what is one question I can ask? How can I be present? How can I be served? How can I acknowledge the person for what they've done and be able to it grateful and generous? And I think that's the key to abundance.

[Randy Gage]

We're near the end of the show, and you've talked about relationships before. A lot of people, if you ask them what's the most enjoyable thing they've ever done in life is sex. You have said that you should not enter a relationship just to have fun and have sex. And here I am, I'm recently single, and I'm like, what are you talking about?

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, I mean, listen, if we want to live a life with our ego, then you can have all the fun in the world. And there's nothing wrong with that. I just don't think it's the best way to enter a relationship that's got to be a harmonious, aligned, peaceful relationship, so you can enter a relationship and have fun and have sex right away and all these different things. And that's kind of how I entered a lot of my previous relationships. And none of them worked. They all ended in kind of pain and just, like, frustration. And therapy, that was just like a struggle. It didn't feel like there was alignment. And so with Martha, my wife, I was just like, we're not having sexual intimacy, you know, and we're entering the relationship with therapy is what I said. So after, like, months of, like, hanging out and going on dates, I was like, okay, I'm going to commit to you. You know, I want to commit. We talked about, like, potentially getting together, and I was like, okay, I want to commit to you, but only if we get into therapy first and we talk about our values, our visions and our lifestyle. And obviously we can't predict the future and things happen. And like you said, like in laws and loss and all these different things happen to kids. But I said, if we can try to predict the best way we can by being in alignment with our values, our vision, our lifestyle. And I go, this is what I'm going to be up to for the next decade plus. This is who I am. Can you accept that in me? Can you share with me what you think you're going to be doing? Can I accept that in you? And here are my values. Most women don't like my values, the order that I have them. She really wanted to know what they were. And I go, you're never going to be my number one priority. And no woman wants to hear they're not number one in the man's life. Now, there's context to this. So if someone's taking this out of context, they're going to think that's the worst thing ever. I said, my health is my number one value. It's making sure I take the time for my health physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Because if I don't have my health the best it can be, I'm not going to be best for number two priority, which is still not you, which no woman wants to hear, that you're not number one or number two in their life. And I said, the number two priority in my life is going to be my mission with. With what God wants me to have in this world, my level, to serve people, to serve humanity. Because I'd been in relationships in the past that almost every relationship I'd been in wanted to take my time to be with them instead of Serving my gifts and talents with others and they wanted me exclusively with them. And it was always this fight and this friction of like, but I need some time to go out there and like, like express myself and build and create and generate. And so I was always resenting of like the woman wanting to be number one at all costs. No, don't go to the gym. No, don't go to work. No, come here now. And I was like, that doesn't work for me anymore. And maybe I'm bad and wrong for that. But I need someone who can accept where I'm at in my life. And maybe later in life it'll change and it'll be more about putting the relationship first. But if you accept that my health is a big priority, it doesn't mean I need 10 hours a day for this. But I need time to take care of my health. Health physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. If you understand that I am on a big mission in my life right now to impact and serve 100 million lives weekly. And that takes time, then you'll understand my third priority, which is our relationship and our family. And if you understand my one and two, you're going to feel like the number one priority because I'm going to be so present with you, so giving, so grateful, so generous, so loving all the time that you're going to feel like number one one. And so I think it's just, it's not like, oh, you're going to be like down on the list of priorities. It's more understand I have other priorities as well that make me better. And when I'm at my best, we're going to be at our best. And I want you to focus on what's important for you as well. And I think it's just a reframing of it as opposed to, ah, you're down the list of priorities.

[Randy Gage]

Someone told me that you'll learn the meaning of life when you have kids. And so my priority with five kids is always on my kids first. I of kind comes before your health. Well, it's sort of like when you're getting a divorce. People say, you know, one of the reasons why is you're worried about the, the kids. And what they say in return is if you're on the plane, it's going down. You got to take your mask down before, you know, you gotta be healthy before the kids. So sure.

[Lewis Howes]

Your health, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, sure, I get it's a kid. And listen, I have twins now and I'm gonna Put my life into them as well. Yeah, but I don't think we can just say I'm gonna let go of all my health just to rescue my kids.

[Randy Gage]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

You know, every day. And I'm gonna to endure all this pain that I don't have to endure in a suffering marriage potentially. I don't know. I'm just saying in general. But it's taking care of your health because then you can model to your kids and be like, your best with them.

[Randy Gage]

Right. I mean, I. I'm gonna go back to the sex comment for a minute. Not because I'm. I. I think this is something to talk about as well. Because I think intimacy is such an important part of a relationship, and experience it right at the beginning, I think is important to determine if you're compatible. And a lot of the fun sex at the beginning does turn into relationships. I've had this in my own life,

[Lewis Howes]

all of mine, essentially. It's like sex, the chemistry, the chemicals, turns into, like. I want more of that connection feeling. It feels good. But if you aren't aligned to their values and vision, in two years, that feeling is gonna fade and you're gonna have friction.

[Randy Gage]

I'm. I'm not saying that you can't develop in parallel with the values. I'm just saying you can start out by having fun and you don't know what's gonna happen long term because that's happened. I've had a relationship.

[Lewis Howes]

Sure.

[Randy Gage]

You know, I had a marriage like that and. And yeah, of course.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, of course. I just. For me, what I learned is, like, all those way of doing it before didn't work long term and ended in, like, sadness and suffering. And so I just wanted to try something different. And that's what worked for me so far. You know, five years in, that's what's worked for me so far.

[Randy Gage]

You've also talked about cheating and infidelity in marriages and the reasons why people cheat. Cheat. You know, the stats show. They're crazy stats that some huge percentage of spouses cheat on their spouse. So you've ex. You've given a theory as to why that is. So what's the theory?

[Lewis Howes]

What was the theory? What did I say? I don't know. What was the research?

[Randy Gage]

You. You. The. The research says that there's underlying reasons for infidelity that are. It's not that you want sex from the other person. It's that you're looking for something else.

[Lewis Howes]

I can't remember what I said in context of this, but if I'm Thinking about it right now, I don't think you've healed. I don't think you've healed. A lot of things that you were, you need to heal. And I think it's also like you're not clear on truly what you want. Like, I'm 40. I chose to be married knowing that I was letting go of some. A different life that I could have, which is, sure, I could be with lots of girls or be single and have fun and do these things, but that wasn't fulfilled. Feeling I could do that for a few years or whatever and then get married or something. But it's like I want to have a rich, beautiful life. That means if I'm going to be in a monogamous marriage, which is what my wife wants, and I don't think really would work to have like a non monogamous marriage personally, then it means letting go of the temptations of the world that I think cripple a lot of men. You know, I think crippled me for most of my life. And I think if I'm not focused on it and focusing on my relationship and seeing how I can improve it consistently. Listen, I'm one year in marriage, so I'm not here to give marriage advice. And I'm three months and having kids. So I'm sure everyone's going to say, wait till you're 10 years in and wait till your kids. I'm sure everyone's going to say these things. But what has worked for me so far five years in, is being committed to the vision of my future self. I witnessed what my parents went through, what my dad did, and I witnessed the pain that four kids had to suffer with that type of model. It doesn't mean everything they did was wrong. They did a lot of good, beautiful things. But that model of relationship didn't work. It hurt a lot of us and we didn't have the tools on how to heal. And for me, I want to live a beautiful, rich life. If I'm going through breakups and this and this constantly, it's going to be more painful. Sure, there's going to be lessons and beauty, but it's all going to be from needing to heal more. And at this season, I feel like, you know, someone told me on my podcast yesterday that Martha, my, my wife is my guru. She's here to teach me my greatest lesson. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy all the time. You know, there's going to be some challenges that I have to face myself in the reflection of Her. And so that's my commitment. It's my commitment. The version of me 10 years, 20 years in the future is whispering to me or yelling at me, telling me, here's what your life could be. If you continue to show up committed, fully present all in versus allow your temptations or sexual desires to get the best of you. You then here's how your life's going to be. And sure, you could recover from it and you know, good things could happen in the future and you might meet someone else or whatever, but you know, I'm just one day at a time, one day at a time, like just committed to what I need from my future self to be fully fulfilled.

[Randy Gage]

We're at the end of the show. I was concluded with a game I call Fill in the Blade to excellence. Are you ready to play?

[Lewis Howes]

Let's do it.

[Randy Gage]

The biggest lesson I've learned in my

[Lewis Howes]

life is learn how to love yourself.

[Randy Gage]

Myself, my number one professional goal is

[Lewis Howes]

do something that heals another person.

[Randy Gage]

Today, my number one personal goal is

[Lewis Howes]

be a great dad.

[Randy Gage]

My biggest regret is not healing sooner.

[Lewis Howes]

My biggest fear is that I wasted my potential.

[Randy Gage]

The craziest thing that's happened in my

[Lewis Howes]

career is it's yet to happen. Yet.

[Randy Gage]

The funniest thing that's happened in my career is

[Lewis Howes]

the first thing that came to mind was like giving a speech in Mexico, my first speech in Mexico and getting punched in the eye. Walking out on stage when I was gonna try to speak Spanish for the first time in front of this massive audience and just feeling like this was for me, it was just a very funny moment. Getting punched in the face accidentally by someone right before I walked out.

[Randy Gage]

The best advice I've ever received is

[Lewis Howes]

love your wife with your whole heart.

[Randy Gage]

Ten years from now, I'm going to

[Lewis Howes]

be in service to people.

[Randy Gage]

Twenty years from now, the next big thing is going to be looking people in the eyes. If you could pick one trait that's responsible for your success, it is vision. The most important thing that's contributed to

[Lewis Howes]

my success is relationships.

[Randy Gage]

The one thing I've dreamed about doing for a long time but haven't is being an Olympic. If I could invent one thing in

[Lewis Howes]

the world, it would be a machine that lets you take advice from your future self.

[Randy Gage]

If you could go back in time and give your 21 year old self one piece of advice, it would be

[Lewis Howes]

take a workshop that lets you heal your heart.

[Randy Gage]

If you could be one person in the world who's alive today, it would

[Lewis Howes]

be be one person.

[Randy Gage]

If you could meet one person in the world who is alive today, it would be.

[Lewis Howes]

First thing that came to mind was Jim Carrey, because I said him on the show, but. But I don't know if he'd be the only person I want to meet, but that's the one that came to mind.

[Randy Gage]

If you were president of the United States today, the first thing you would

[Lewis Howes]

do is create a program around emotional intelligence training for kids.

[Randy Gage]

If you were on your DeathBed and had 60 seconds to live and had to say one thing to Martha and your twins, it would be, thank you

[Lewis Howes]

for giving me such a beautiful life. Thank you for loving and accepting me. And I want to remind you that I love you.

[Randy Gage]

You.

[Lewis Howes]

I'm gonna always be with you and make sure that you love each other, support each other, and hold each other high of what you know, you're capable of creating in this world.

[Randy Gage]

That's beautiful. The one question you wish I'd asked

[Lewis Howes]

you but didn't is how can I be of service?

[Randy Gage]

The answer is, I don't know.

[Lewis Howes]

I have to think about it.

[Randy Gage]

Do you have any questions for me before we conclude what has been one of my favorite interviews of everybody since I started my show four and a half years ago?

[Lewis Howes]

I'm going to say in the last week, you know, favorite interview of the last week. I do have questions, but I'd love to ask you on my show when you have your book complete.

[Randy Gage]

Awesome.

[Lewis Howes]

When you have your book ready to launch, I will have those questions and I'm sure we'll talk before then as well.

[Randy Gage]

Awesome. You're amazing. Thank you for being on my show. Thank you.

[Lewis Howes]

And I appreciate it.

[Randy Gage]

You're an amazing guy. Congratulations again on your tremendous success.

[Lewis Howes]

Appreciate you. Thank you.

[Randy Gage]

Thank you so much. Much.