In Search Of Excellence – Episode 184
“Infidelity, Commitment, and Healing: A Real Conversation with Lewis Howes”
Host: Randall Kaplan
Guest: Lewis Howes
Date: March 19, 2026
Episode Overview
This profoundly honest episode explores the often unspoken challenges and lessons of pursuing excellence—in business, relationships, and personal growth—with acclaimed entrepreneur, bestselling author, and podcast host Lewis Howes. Host Randall Kaplan and Howes discuss resilience through adversity, the value of mentorship, redefining success, the importance of gratitude, building relationships, and the real work of healing and commitment. The conversation also delves deeply into infidelity, marriage, and why emotional well-being is vital to long-term fulfillment.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Doing the Hard Things: Success, Resilience, and Daily Practice
- The Demands of Excellence:
- Howes emphasizes that a “beautiful and rich” life does not mean an easy one, but rather “doing the challenging things consistently” (01:50).
- He shares his own Olympic dream at age 45, illustrating the importance of setting audacious goals and accepting the demands required to pursue them.
- Quote:
“I don’t want to live an easy life. I want to live a life that is beautiful and rich…doing the challenging things consistently.”
— Lewis Howes (01:53) - Both Howes and Kaplan agree that enduring discomfort builds the fortitude required for excellence and lasting achievement.
- Gratitude as Foundation:
- Howes starts every morning with gratitude alongside his wife and affirms that this mindset fuels abundance (03:20, 49:10).
2. The Power of Mentorship and Taking Initiative
- Earning Mentorship:
- Kaplan and Howes both stress that mentorship isn’t just given; it must be earned by demonstrating value and effort.
- Howes’ Approach: Don’t start by asking for help—start by finding out how you can help others (11:17).
- Quote:
“I never ask people… ‘What is the biggest challenge you’re working on right now that I can help you accomplish?’”
— Lewis Howes (12:12) - Howes tells how he built early credibility by organizing LinkedIn networking events and making meaningful introductions.
- Extreme Preparation:
- Kaplan describes his unique methods for getting noticed—writing highly researched, individualized letters to CEOs, with details few knew, spending up to five hours per letter (24:03).
- Quote:
“Each letter took five hours to write...my letter had a cellophane cover, a quote from the CEO, tabbed pages of every job they ever had.”
— Randy Gage (24:03) - Howes mirrors this with early podcast outreach, offering free webinars and guaranteeing value to high-profile guests (19:15).
3. Resourcefulness and Finding Opportunity in Uncertainty
- Turning Adversity into Action:
- Howes recounts his journey from being a broke ex-athlete on his sister’s couch to building a business on LinkedIn (05:31–08:45).
- With no degree or job prospects during the 2008 recession, a mentor suggested he explore LinkedIn. Howes went “all in,” connecting for hours a day, and soon became a LinkedIn expert.
- Kaplan and Howes agree that everyone—even at their lowest point—has the power to choose resourcefulness over resignation.
- Quote:
“While I’m broke, while I’ve had nothing to lose because I’m already at the bottom, let me at least try for something...”
— Lewis Howes (32:30)
- Elevator Pitches and ‘Just Start’
- Discovering the power of a strong, clear pitch changed Howes’ trajectory (34:34); his big break came from putting himself out there and showing up in person at events.
4. Building Relationships and a Service Mindset
- Giving First, Not Taking:
- Both men stress the long-term dividends of a service-oriented mindset—making yourself valuable to others creates trust and, over time, opportunity and reciprocity.
- Howes’ Networking Secret: At events, he would greet everyone with: “What are you looking for?” and then connect people directly, expecting nothing in return (12:10–14:20).
-
Relationships as the True Currency:
> “The most important thing that’s contributed to my success is relationships.” — Lewis Howes (78:19)- Preparation and genuine connection are essential—guests remember it, as do potential employers, partners, and mentors.
5. Defining ‘Greatness’ and the Real Meaning of Success
- Howes’ Definition:
“For me, greatness is pursuing your gifts and talents, developing them to live your dreams. And in the pursuit of your dreams, you’re making an impact on the people around you.” (38:33)
- Balanced Excellence:
- Greatness isn’t just career achievement—it’s being of service, cultivating generosity and gratitude, and honoring personal priorities for a fulfilled life (38:43, 49:10, 51:20).
6. Infidelity, Healing, and Commitment in Modern Relationships
- Redefining the Path to Intimacy:
- Lewis reveals he approached his marriage differently than past relationships, choosing to start with therapy and open dialogue about values and goals—before becoming intimate (68:29).
- Quote:
“We’re not having sexual intimacy…we’re entering the relationship with therapy…talking about our values, our visions, and our lifestyle.”
— Lewis Howes (68:29)
- Prioritizing Emotional Health:
- He controversially prioritizes his health and his mission over his marital relationship, explaining that optimizing himself and his purpose enables him to show up better as a husband and father (70:00–72:36).
- Honest Take on Infidelity:
- Howes believes unhealed emotional wounds are a key driver of cheating (74:27).
“I don’t think you’ve healed…a lot of things that you were, you need to heal. And I think it’s also you’re not clear on truly what you want.”
— Lewis Howes (74:27) - Commitment, for him, is staying true daily to the future self he wants to become—with all the discipline that entails.
7. Learning from Failure and Continuing to Grow
- Celebrating Setbacks:
- Both host and guest emphasize learning from failures—divorces, bad jobs, missed opportunities—as more valuable than celebrating successes (52:08+).
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
On Consistency and Doing the Work:
“I guess I don’t have work hard mentality, but just the willingness to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to accomplish the result.”
— Lewis Howes (03:22) -
On Networking and Value:
“If you want to accomplish your goals, help everyone else accomplish their goals.”
— Lewis Howes (13:59, paraphrasing Zig Ziglar/Bob Proctor) -
On Extreme Preparation:
“My letter had a cellophane cover, it had a quote … then it was tabbed with my three-page, single-spaced letter that listed every job they’d ever had.”
— Randy Gage (24:03) -
On Regret and Growth:
“My biggest regret is not healing sooner.”
— Lewis Howes (77:17) -
On Advice to His Younger Self:
“Take a workshop that lets you heal your heart.”
— Lewis Howes (78:37) -
On Gratitude:
“Gratitude and generosity are the gateway to abundance in all areas of your life.”
— Lewis Howes (48:37)
Important Segments & Timestamps
| Segment | Timestamps | |----------------------------------------------------|---------------| | Lewis on the necessity of doing hard things | 01:50–03:20 | | Howes' backstory – injury, mentorship, LinkedIn | 05:31–10:03 | | Mentoring the right way, earning trust | 10:08–14:20 | | Extreme preparation & letters to CEOs | 24:03–25:46 | | Resourcefulness – Transition from broke to expert | 31:26–34:34 | | Elevator pitches and pivotal career moments | 34:34–38:25 | | What is greatness? | 38:33–39:05 | | Building The School of Greatness | 39:27–43:27 | | Mindset, gratitude, and generosity | 48:37–51:21 | | Learning from divorce, relationship advice | 53:11–55:38 | | The power of thank you notes & interview prep | 58:36–60:48 | | Kobe Bryant interview—extreme prep in action | 62:15–68:08 | | Sex, intimacy, and commitment in relationships | 68:08–74:15 | | On infidelity and healing | 74:15–76:58 | | Lightning round – Fill in the Blank to Excellence | 77:02–79:42 |
Tone & Language
This conversation is warm, candid, vulnerable—with both men sharing personal experiences, missteps, and hard-won wisdom. The tone is motivational, often earnest, but with moments of humor and self-deprecation (“I never listen to podcasts”; imposter syndrome; stories of sleeping on couches and taking red-eye flights). Both speakers honor the value of humility, continuous learning, and above all, service to others.
Summary Takeaways
- Excellence is a mindset—born out of gratitude, resilience, resourcefulness, and the courage to serve others.
- True mentorship and opportunity are earned, not given; demonstrating value and preparation unlock doors.
- Extreme preparation—in relationships, in business, and for big opportunities—separates the good from the great.
- Healing emotional wounds is essential for real growth, healthy relationships, and fulfillment.
- Gratitude and generosity open up abundance—not just financial, but relational and spiritual.
- Relationships and service are more valuable than any single professional achievement.
“Learn how to love yourself…do something that heals another person…be a great dad.”
— Lewis Howes (77:04–77:15)