← Intentionally Disturbing
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Foreign. Welcome back to intentionally disturbing with Dr. Leslie. Today we're going to talk about. Okay, so you got out of that DV relationship. Now what do you do? You left. Maybe you left last week. Maybe you left three years ago. Maybe you're listening to this or watching this, thinking, thinking about leaving. Now maybe you're standing in a rubble and feeling like, why? Why doesn't it feel like I'm actually free? All of those feelings are why we're here today and why we're listening. Because here's the thing that nobody tells you. Leaving is not the ending. Leaving is the beginning of a completely different chapter and one you may not be familiar with. It will have its own challenges, its own landmines, its own internal battlefield, as does every Chang chapter and growth point in life. But this is a pretty damn significant one. The problem is that nobody really prepares us for these new chapters. There aren't really good books on things like this. There are self help books, but really it's really hard when we do this. Oftentimes we walk out of situations and we are just blindsided by the reality of what life is actually like. So I'm not going to let you feel like that. I'm not going to let this happen to you. I'm Dr. Leslie. I'm a clinical and forensic psychologist. I've worked with survivors and predators for over 20 years. And I have seen women come out of domestic violence relationships. I have nurtured them, I have helped them, I have set their lives back up with them. There's a special interplay between understanding the mind of a violent predator, understanding the mind of a traumatized victim survivor, and understanding the legal system and the reality of all that plays out, especially if children are involved. So today I want to talk about the stuff that happens after you leave. The practical stuff, the legal stuff, the financial stuff, and most importantly, the internal work that needs to be done. That's the part that takes the longest and probably gets the least airtime. So there's this cultural script around leaving a domestic violence relationship. She finally left. She's free, she's healing, she's thriving. The end. Just like a movie, it's over. Well, that script does some real damage to the reality of these relationships because what it creates is a woman who gets out and then feels like there's something wrong with her because she doesn't feel free and she doesn't feel okay. What if she isn't thriving? What if she misses him at time? What about all the times you second guess yourself? Or how about you feeling more anxious now out of the relationship than when you were in it? Let me explain to you what's actually happening. When you've been in a controlling or abusive relationship, your nervous system is operating in chronic survival. Remember what we talked about in the last episode where basically you get so used to it that you normalize it and you minimize it. And you may not even feel the severity of it anymore because you're more focused on the relief that comes after the violence. It's like everything was calibrated around him, around your partner, his moods, his schedule, his needs, his volatility. You became, whether you realized it or not, an expert at managing him. That was your full time job on top of everything else you do in your life. So when you leave, the structure collapses. And your nervous system, which was built for that experience, for that environment and got used to it, it doesn't immediately know what to do with all the quiet. There's an absence of. But that doesn't automatically feel like safety. It can feel like waiting. It can feel very uncomfortable, like something's about to happen or like you forgot something. You're. You're gonna get spooked. I'm here to tell you that's not weakness. That is your brain doing exactly what it was trained to do. And understanding that is step one. Because you cannot heal something you've been taught to be ashamed of. And we also have to talk about grief. People really don't like talking about grief. I don't either because it's grief. But it's okay that you may need to grieve the relationship because it was a relationship you once thought was good or expected to be good. You can grieve a relationship that was harmful. You can grieve a relationship with a predator, with a monster, with somebody who harmed you repeatedly. I like to say it's a bowl of spaghetti, not just one strand. When it comes to complex post traumatic stress disorder, which is usually what we have after we leave long term domestic violence relationships. So it's okay. You may grieve the version of him that you fell for. You may grieve the life that you thought you were building together. You may grieve the father you thought your children were going to have. That grief is real. It doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. Grief and relief can be there at the same time. We can hold both. And that's something I push on a lot with people, is we need duality. Can hold both at the same time. It's very uncomfortable. We would prefer to Hate someone or to love someone. But sometimes we have to do both. Okay, let's get into what you actually do, starting with the immediate practical layer because some of this is very time sensitive, depending on the severity of the relationship. Step one, safety planning. And this is not optional. The period right after leaving a domestic violence relationship is statistically the most dangerous part of the relationship. I said this in my last video and I'll keep saying it until everyone knows it. Abusers are most dangerous when they feel like they are losing control, especially if they are narcissists. Separation is a threat to their ego and their power structure. The response to that threat can escalate. So again, it doesn't mean don't leave, but it means leave strategically. What I want you to do is contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. I said it in my last one. I'm saying it it here again. It's going to be in the show notes 8007-9972-3380-0799-7233. And if that's not in your country, find one that is. You can also send a text to start S T A R T. It's 88788. And they have an online chat as well. It's called the hotline. What these places do, and there's a variety of these places and they're in different countries, but they have trained advocates who do for free with you. They will help you think through the specifics of your situation, where you're going to go, who you're going to tell, what the risks actually are. This is not a crisis line. Only like we're women helping women. We're people helping people get away from volatile violence. So you can call when you're calm, when you are in the planning stage, when you just need to think about something, think it through with somebody, truly understands it because they're a trained professional in this, specifically in leaving a domestic violence relationship. But do this before you leave. If you haven't, do it right after you leave. Also check out domestic shelters. They are an extraordinary research. There are others as well. But for that one, it's the largest searchable database of domestic violence shelters and programs in the United States and in Canada. So you search by location, you can search by language, you can add different specifics for what you need. Specifically, do this. You owe this to yourself. And these, these are out there because we know that people need the help and the guidance. And it might not be your family. I mean, you may be so isolated from them at this point that you have to outsource it. It takes a village. This is your village. Step two, make sure you have a go bag. If you haven't left yet or you're in a hurry and you're grabbing things, these are some basic things I want you to have in a bag, ready to go. And again, don't make it so noticeable that he opens the bag and sees all the shit inside. I want you to have your driver's license. I want you to have your passport, Social Security card, your children's as well. Any kind of identifying information, birth certificates. I want you to have your bank account information. Write it down if you have to. Any access to joint funds. Let the people at the bank see your face and know who you are before you go. I want you to have your medications. I want you to know your prescriptions. I want you to have anything that may harm you if you don't have it once you leave, if you don't have the medications or the prescriptions, write down the names, know what it is and the dosages so that if you have to go to the emergency room, you can explain to them more easily that your child needs this specific medication. Know your allergies. Know your children's allergies. Keep a prepaid burner phone somewhere on you in that bag. Bring phone chargers as well. You can get a burner phone anywhere. Buy it in cash just in case, especially if he's tracking you. Who knows, maybe he's rich enough to have AT&T track you. Get a burner phone. But again, pay cash, because if you're paying with your credit card, he can track where you purchased it and then it is traceable. Get cash. Keep cash with you. Just keep a little bit of cash just in case you have to run and you need to use it. You don't want to use your card to check into a hotel or a motel. God knows what. Keep photos. I want you to keep photos of yourself, but also of your driver's license and your passport. I want hard copies of anything legal, any financial information, any wedding information, home ownership, anything that you can think of. Just grab it and keep it. Because it's proof of life. It's proof of who you are, and it's how you're going to get your life back. And I want to note it's also not safe at times to grab this stuff physically. He may be so. So surveilling you that it is dangerous. There are domestic violence advocates that can help you think through ways to gain access to copies. But again, you Know, use discernment if you have time, take time and know that there are ways around it if you can't get it. But that's again part of the strategy. Right? We're not just fleeing because that could lead to us being hurt. We're strategizing and you can strategize once again if you've already left. But you've got to be in contact with the right people. Ladies, we've got to have each other's backs. Men, you've got to have ladies backs as well. Okay, step three, I really want you to focus on digital safety. This is critical and very under discussed. If he has access to your devices, to your location, to your accounts, he has access to you. Has he put your bank account on his phone with his facial recognition, then he doesn't even need a password. Sure, you can change your passwords, but again if he's done facial recognition on his phone, it's not going to matter. But you can take access and devices off login information. Again, that's going to take some time. Something as small as going into a hotel and going onto Amazon, going to Netflix, he can see, he can see the login. Try and do this also from a device he does not have access to in the first place. So can you use your friend's device to log in and make all these changes? Do you have two factor authentication? Talk to an expert. Again, these domestic violence hotlines have experts in this area specifically. And like I've said, clear your browser history after searching for things like this, after changing your passwords, after watching this YouTube of me, clear it. Clear your browser history. You don't have to subscribe to this channel. You can check back in. It may not be good to subscribe if you're married to a predator or a monster and you're watching somebody who talks about the minds of predators and monsters, that's okay. This isn't about money. This is about me helping you. Many abusers monitor their wives, their partner's phones. Some put spyware into the devices and you wouldn't even know that it's there. I have put my own spyware into my kids devices. They don't know it's there. It's very possible. I do it so that they don't get bullied and I get notifications of anything that's happening. I've used bark software before. There's so many things that you may not even think about, especially if your head is spinning because you're in an abusive relationship. So yeah, go to the library Go to a hotel computer. A lot of hotels have computers you can use on the bottom floor. Go to a friend's house. Find a way around doing it on your own devices. But check your phone. Check your phone for tracking apps. Check your car for GPS devices. I know this sounds really extreme, but I'm telling you this after 20 years of working with predators, just things that they do and they do so easily. And then if they're with their friends and they're talking about ways to track their wives, to surveil their wives, they'll give them these examp examples and they'll do it. And it's sometimes free, mostly cheap and easy to do. How many websites, how many issues have we had lately where people are drugging their wives and filming them and then putting those videos online? It was motherless.com. it finally got closed, and then it got reopened. I mean, this. These are people you're married to that you think you can trust. I mean, they're just ordinary people, right? No, they're predators. And the most commonly hurt person is not the one next to you, the closest one, the one you don't suspect. Anyways, I'm getting off track. Step four, legal protection. Get a protective order. I know people, they sometimes call this a restraining order. It goes back and forth. Paper isn't going to stop him from hurting you. It may deter him. It may lead to escalation. So if you feel like you can get a protective order and it will help you and it won't escalate him, or even if it escalates him, you have taken all the steps to keep yourself safe. Then when you get that protective order, it's either going to deter him or he's going to violate it, which is going to lead to charges and he's going to get locked. We're talking about a very severe situation. We're not playing anymore. You've just left to save your life and your children's life. We're talking about what to do now to take your life back and to take your power back. Talk to the cops. There are many, many excellent police officers, and they will let you speak to a female officer if that's what you prefer. A lot of police departments also have advocacy teams with mental health professionals that will talk to you as well. Go straight to the police station if you need to. With the restraining order, you get it through your local courthouse, often the same day, because it's an emergency tro, Temporary restraining order. The judge will review it immediately. And again, the domestic violence advocacy groups that I talked about. They have advocates staff who will do this with you. They'll go through the process with you, they'll accompany you to court, they'll help you with the paperwork because legal paperwork is insanely confusing with big words and a lot of lines that aren't that are completely utterly useless and there's not enough room to fill in everything. But get someone to help you because people do that. They help you. That's their job. They want to check out Womanslaw Dot. That is an excellent resource and it goes state by state giving you legal information that's way outside of of my realm of telling you I'm looking at the psychological side of this. But again we dance and play in forensic psychology with law and I want all of you guys to know in your mind that these resources are out there. Also, you should know that more than a dozen states have domestic violence leave laws. This means that you may be legally entitled to job protected time off to handle your shit it in court. Even if you're doing safety planning or relocation, you still deserve to have your job money. It's leave time and you should be paid for it. So again, check your state laws but check out these domestic violence advocacy groups online. Call them, check it out, they'll tell you, okay, I want to talk to you about money. Because financial abuse and domestic violence relationships is not talked about a great deal but it is actually one of the most common things that that occur in these violent relationships. That's the part where violence becomes coercive control violence. It's not always physical, guys. It's also important to note that it's one of the biggest reasons women stay in these violent relationships because they are bound by the money. They can't leave, they don't have any money. They wouldn't be able to provide for themselves or for their children. Oftentimes they leave to take care of of themselves. But they don't leave because they can't take care of their children and they care more about their children than they do themselves. That was circular. But you get my point is finances are huge and the abuser is going to use them to control you. I personally, even if he's a good guy, I think you should keep your finances separate or at least have full access so that you don't need to go into a bank and have him with you in order to withdraw large amounts of money or whatever. You need to have autonomy over your money and security. So if he controls the finances, if he kept you from working, he put all the Bills in your name. He sabotaged your career. Maybe controlled access to all the cash. You don't even have a credit card. You may be leaving with very little money. And I need you to hear me clearly on this. That was intentional. Financial control is a major feature of abusive relationships. It's not a side effect. It was designed to make sure you feel like you cannot survive without him. What's the other option? You leave. And you leave the kids with him to endure the abuse. You would never do that. So let's talk about what is available for you in these emergencies. One, emergency shelters. You can get them through your local domestic violence programs. They're going to give you a safe and confidential place to go while you figure out the next steps. VA the Violence Against Women Act. This is actual federal funding for housing assistance, legal services, and transitional support for survivors. Ask your local DV program about this many shelters and, and dv Safe, you know, safe havens, whatever you want to call them. They offer financial literacy programs where they're going to explain to you what you can do. They offer job training, they offer childcare assistance. They offer transitional housing. I mean, maybe. I mean, maybe you don't even have a resume and you need help getting one of those. It's basically a bridge of support while you rebuild your life. Also, if you're married, consult with a family law attorney right away. Consult with all of them. Consult with all the good ones. All that means is call. Set up an initial chat for 10 minutes, let them know your name, because if he calls them, you can't use them. So you want to call the best and make sure that they can never help him or represent him. Right? Get the good guys on your side. And good might be the most vicious family law attorneys you know. You need to learn about the right to your marital assets, your support. You need to understand as you're going through the divorce that he still needs to support you. There's also free low cost legal advice in Orange county, especially where I am. But all over you can find these. This can be a part of the strategizing and the planning. You can be aware you can make these calls before. You can also make these calls from the shelter, but hotlines will refer you the DB specific ones. One thing I want you to do is open a separate bank account in your name at a different bank that he does not know about. I want you to change all the direct deposits that are coming to you and have them sent there. Change your PIN numbers. And no, don't use very obvious ones either. I'm really bad at doing that. If you need to access joint funds, typical guidance, at least here in California, is to take half when you leave, document how you're spending it, and again, consult with an attorney, because this is all attorney stuff. Now, I want to talk about a true crime example or, I don't know, just an amazing woman example, but Tina Turner. Tina Turner left, Ike in 76, before I was born. She left with 36 cents in her pockets. She was on a tour bus when he beat her for what she said was the last time, because then she ran. She made it to a Ramada Inn. She talked to a hotel clerk and talked him into giving her a room for the night. And then she got on the phone and she called everyone she knew to help her survive for the weeks to come. She had no money, she had no plan, and she had no safety net. She just made the decision and she went. And that's what many people unfortunately have to do. But within years, she rebuilt her career and her life. One of the most iconic performers, and she credited that moment, that moment where she left with nothing, as the reason that she gained everything. Her life began, her real life began when she had nothing. But I bring that to your attention because the financial devastation of leaving a domestic violence relationship is very real. It's not permanent. It is survivable. Okay, now I'm going to talk about the internal work that nobody really wants to do because it's so fucking hard. Yes, I said fuck. Fuckity fuck, fuck. Everybody says I cuss too much, but fuck it. When I run out of fuck, it's. That's when you should worry, I think. Okay, so you've left this horrible relationship and you've got a safe place to sleep. You've got a protective order. Maybe it's in progress. You've got the hotline numbers saved. Now what do you do? Now comes the work that nobody wants to do that takes the longest. Figuring out your mind and your body and the trauma and rebuilding who you are after you've just spent months and years with somebody, breaking down your own image, ripping you apart, making you feel like you. You don't know who you are. So I want to break this down into pieces because just saying go to therapy is not a plan. Guys. Even though I tell people, go to therapy. No. Okay, we're going to use this moment to break down what that means. First, I want you to understand what has happened to you neurologically. What has happened to your brain and your nervous system, because the experiences you just went through were rewiring the person you were before it happened. Prolonged exposure to threats, to coercive control, to unpredictability creates a measurable change in the brain. There's a lot of science on this. It changes how you process, process safety and threat and attachment to other people. You may genuinely have cptsd, complex post Traumatic stress disorder. Even if you've never identified as a survivor before. Some of the symptoms look like hypervigilance. Always scanning the room, always waiting for something to go wrong. Difficulty trusting your own perceptions, flinching at loud noises or raised voices, Emotional numbness alternating with intense emotional flooding. And, well, this is crucial. Intrusive thoughts about him, missing him, feeling like you should have done better, you made the mistake. Disparaging thoughts about yourself. Things that are intruding on you, but they aren't true. Understanding these symptoms is what you need to do, because those symptoms, they were done to you. They're not character flaws, they're not weaknesses. It's stuff that he's put inside of you and changed the way your brain works. That's what chronic abuse does. Second piece, the grief is real and it's not about him. So don't give someone a hard time if they're feeling grief after they've left a relationship like this. So here's the thing about grief that really catches people off guard. You're not actually grieving him. Well, not really. You're. You're grieving who you were before him, and you're grieving what you thought your hopeful expectations were of a healthy relationship, and it's gone. You're grieving the future plan that you thought you were going to have with him. And that grief deserves to be processed, not bypassed. Don't skip it. Don't white knuckle through it, don't push it underground, because then it's just going to sit there and it's going to make further future relationships muddled. Give it a name, give it space. That's something you can talk about with a therapist. And then when you want to, you can shelve it, metaphorically, keep it in your therapist's office when you want to talk about it, come back to your therapist's office, take it off the shelf, break it up, piece it apart, work on it there. You don't have to think about it all the time, but you do have to honor that it exists when you have the energy to do so. And also, you don't want to do it so much that you get hungover. The big thing is that you need to Reclaim your reality. Because these relationships gaslight the living shit out of you. They make you not believe your reality. You just don't trust yourself, your intuition or your instincts. And that's what the guy is. You know that. Again, it can be girls, it can be anyone. But mostly that's what the domestic violence men are trying to do. If you don't question him, you could question yourself, but better you don't question anyone, because then he can get away with everything. It truly is one of the lasting effects of a narcissist, psychopath and antisocial abusive partner. It's that they've damaged your sense of reality and you don't know who you are anymore. When someone has has systematically told you over time that your perceptions are wrong, your feelings are overreactions, your memory is faulty, it's very easy to start doubting yourself. And not just in the relationship. Everywhere, it bleeds out everywhere. So part of the internal work is recalibrating your reality. But again, what does that mean? Because that's a lot of psychology jargon. You've gotta trust your own observations. Again, if something feels wrong, consider it data. You're a scientist now on yourself. You're a doctor on yourself. Trust your own observations. Make note. You need to rebuild your tolerance for conflict. I know that's hard to hear a lot of the time. After there's been conflict for so long, we do not want it anymore. We shy away from it. But we need to be able to grow back into somebody who can handle healthy conflict. Healthy as in not as unhealthy as the conflict you just endured. So we don't want to be avoidant to such an extreme degree because that's not how you're going to live or rebuild your full human self again, especially as a parent modeling it for your children. I need you to learn how to distinguish between your voice and the voice he built for you. Because he's still going to be in there for a while. He was critical. He filled you with self doubt. He minimized all of your own needs. That's often his voice. Voice that's not your voice. But with ptsd, those intrusive thoughts, it certainly feels like it's your voice and it can make you really depressed. I know everyone says journal, but I say journal and I kind of say journal a lot. Journaling is a really powerful tool because it takes the internal thoughts and it takes them out of your mind and puts them on paper and then it allows you to one, you have an external record of your thoughts. But Two, you can differentiate thoughts. You can make categories and columns. You can use different pens and colors and color codes. I like to have several journals. One great journal is a worry journal. So write down all of your worries and things you're scared of and keep that out of your bedroom. Keep that away from where you sleep and know that you can go to sleep at night and all your worries and troubles and to do lists, they don't need to be in your mind because you wrote them down in your journal. Another great journal, and you can get this on Amazon all over the place, is shadow work. So you basically are going back into previous places you remember of yourself, but as a stronger person. And you're going and you're meeting up with that little girl. You're going and meeting up with that teenager that you once were. You're imagining it in your mind. You're writing it down in the journal. The journal is going to instruct you on kind of how to do it. But a great example would be me. Like when I was a young teenager and I was assaulted myself. I didn't. I just needed a hug. Like, nobody was hugging me. Nobody was there for me. And so what I did once in a meditation practice, it was guided meditation and me being the strong bitch I am now and very proud of it. I went back and I imagined myself seeing little Leslie after that happened and hugging her and telling her how things were going to turn out and who she was going to be and how strong she was. And that healed something in me. That was a strong moment for me. And you can do that too. You can do it right now. Try it. Pause this. Okay, but speaking directly to therapy, what are you really looking for when it comes to a therapist? Therapist, Like I've said before, my ideal therapist is somebody who worked at the veterans hospital with combat veterans and then has a private practice with survivors. It's like the best combo ever. It's hard to find and oftentimes they know they're good. So they're going to take cash and they're going to be expensive. But I want you to find a therapist who understands coercive control in intimate partner violence. We're not talking about just general trauma. This is heavy. I want you to find a therapist who uses evidence based trauma models like I Movement desensitization and reprocessing, EMDR or cpt Cognitive processing therapy. There are a variety that are recommended for partner violence. And if a therapist turns to you and asks you, why did you stay? That's when you leave. You Leave that therapist. Again, we work for you. I say therapist because there's master level, there's a whole variety. I would highly recommend a psychologist because you're at the level, you know, it's a more senior level. There's more training, there's more, more training in psychological assessments and levels of understanding the mind. But again, they cost more. Get what you can get, but make sure what you get is good enough. You deserve it. You deserve someone to help you because you didn't deserve what he did to you. Psychology Today.com great resource to find therapists. Also there's tons of support groups that are free and they have some online too. You can do Facebook groups, groups. There's online groups to just help you overall where you can be with people like minded people going through similar that you are. I want to give you an example of Evan Rachel Wood and she comes to my mind. The singer, actress, she named Marilyn Manson as her abuser in 2021. And well, a lot of people have named him as an abuser, but she was silent for years. What she did was actually incredible because she didn't just speak on it. Kind of like Paris Hilton, she lobbied, co authored the Phoenix Act. It's California legislation that extends the statute of limitations for domestic violence cases. That's pretty fucking amazing. And it also helped other people come out against the same abuser. Yeah, Marilyn Manson, cool name, right? His name is really Brian. Brian, guys. So she turned her experience into systemic change, as did Paris Hilton when it came to the residential facilities that she was abused in when she was younger. Rachel also spoke directly about the shame spiral of not leaving sooner. And she wrote this all publicly. She wrote, when you ask why didn't you just leave? You literally demonstrate one of the reasons victims don't leave. They blame themselves. So the internal work that she did just became her external power. And that might not be the story or the trajectory for everyone in the same way, but if we look at the underlying principle of that, that what happened to you, that was pain and trauma can also be the source of your strength and your cure so that it's not permanent damage. This is real work, guys. And if you do it, ladies, gals, this is real, meaningful work that will lead to change and health and a good future life. This isn't a life sentence. How you feel in this moment, if you've just left, if you've just left or you're going to leave, it's not a life sentence. Intense. A lot of people, a lot of online therapists, a lot of Content creators, they, they don't want to touch on this topic, but I'm here to tell you that many women who grew up in chaotic or unsafe households, who were abused early in life, they have nervous systems that were calibrated for this intensity. But that doesn't mean we're broken. It means that what felt like passion, chemistry, or the most alive I've ever felt with an abusive partner may have actually been in a familiar registry of hyper arousal. Again, one of the symptoms in pts, it's the chemistry of danger and it masquerades itself as love or lust. We have to understand that pattern and you have to understand it with real support and no shame. If you understand that pattern, you won't find yourself in a similar relationship like the one you just left. I'm trying to say it's not about blaming your history, but it's about understanding your wiring so that you can deliberately rewire yourself and use it for good and power. Healthy relationships feel different. They feel steadier, they're safer. And for a while, that boringness can actually be a deterrent in a relationship and people will want to go back to a more volatile relationship. But that's the rewiring that you have to do. You don't want to return to the chaos. That's not a sign that healthy love is there. It's just a sign that your nervous system isn't ready, that you haven't adjusted yet, that you haven't put your passion towards something that matters, like legislation and you're not forward moving. It's a sign that you need to do more work on yourself. We're, we're getting to the end of talking about this topic and I always say, you know, you want your community when you're leaving the relationship. But I also want to tell you that community is not optimal in your recovery. Yeah, I need you to hear that. Isolation was a weapon used against you in the relationship. Rebuilding a community is part of dismantling what he built. Okay, so what I want you to focus on is building a community that is going to support you in very, very specific ways. Not necessarily returning to the community that you head that may have witnessed this relationship occur and didn't help stop it. It's hard to hear, but you may not go back to everyone that you were isolated from and now you use discernment and rebuild a very careful community that is small, specific around you. You need a community. Yes, but you need to be careful about how you approach this because the wiring in your brain has not been re wired yet and the health isn't fully there. You have to be overly cautious. I want you to look to survivor support groups reconnecting with people you've distanced from but really discerning if they are the type of people that will healthy for you. Are they toxic? Are they energy vampires? I wrote that book the Friend Cleanse so that you could determine it. Also on my website I have a little interaction sphere where you can see if somebody is draining you or adding energy to you. It's free, just go play on it. I'm not even sure why I did it but it was fun making it. But the key is use discernment when reconnecting to people and be honest. Be honest with the people that you are are allowing into your community. Be honest about what you need. And maybe it's that you don't need advice and you just need their presence but you also need to know what you need. So think through that first strategize and plan. And please do not go back to the partner you just left to tell him how good you're doing. No, he doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve you, your face, your presence, any anything. What, what do the cool kids call it? Gray. Rocking. Wear big sunglasses anytime you have to see them. Especially if it's like school or school drop off. Hopefully you don't have to see them at all. Okay, so I'm going to go through the resources again just so you have them and you can save this part of the clip. National DV Hotline 800-799-7233. You can text START S T A R T to 88788. You can online chat with the hotline.org 247 go on domestic shelters.org to search for shelters. Womenslaw.org to figure out legally what's going to happen. N N E D V National network to end domestic violence. They'll offer financial and safety planning as well. Psychology Today to find a therapist filter for trauma specialty Strong hearts Native Hotline. I don't think people talk about this enough but this is for native and indigenous survivors and it's specific. It's and of course 911 if you are in immediate danger, call 911 do not hesitate. Okay, let me say one more thing before I have to go and you need to hear this. Leaving was not the easy part. I know everyone says just leave like it's a decision you make one random day during the week. It is one of the most dangerous, dangerous, most complex, most psychologically Demanding things that a human being that you will ever have to do, and you might have just done it. So what comes after is a completely different way. It's a different way of feeling difficulty, feeling when things are hard. Things will still be hard and they will still have difficulty, but it'll be different. It's quieter, it's internal. And there won't be a finish line. No one's going to. To give you a crown or a reward or a ribbon on your back. But if you do the work, it's real work, and it will produce results for you to live a wonderful and powerful Tina Turner life. The women who do it, who actually sit in the grief, who actually do the therapy, rebuild the support system, understand their patterns. They come out on the other side as people who are genuinely more difficult to manipulate. People who know exactly what they are feeling and why. People who can look back and see the flags that they missed and they know they won't miss them again. That is not a small thing. That is everything. You are not starting over. You are starting with everything you now know. And that is a completely different thing. I'm Dr. Leslie. I'll see you next Wednesday night. And next Wednesday I'm going to focus on what if there were kids in the house and there was abuse? What if all this happened and there are kids? What does this do to a child's mind if he's in a household where his parents. Parents are engaged in domestic violence? See you in a week or hear you in a week or you listen in a week? I don't know. Thanks for being here, Dr. Leslie. Intentionally and disturbing.