Merry Griftmas

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Merry Griftmas"

Podcast: I’ve Had It
Hosts: Jennifer Welch & Angie “Pumps” Sullivan
Date: December 25, 2025
Guest Host: Kylie
Special Segment Callers: Eric from Rhode Island, Tiffany, Kate Ann

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Episode Overview

This special Christmas episode of "I’ve Had It" delivers a raucous, spirited, and often sharply political reckoning with American culture, religious hypocrisy, misogyny, Internet trends, and holiday coping strategies. Jennifer and Pumps, joined by Kylie, swipe at the absurdities of contemporary right-wing rhetoric, purity culture, ‘trad wife’ influencers, and more — all wrapped in the podcast’s signature irreverent, cathartic humor. Holiday cheer mingles with pointed grievances, making “Merry Griftmas” a cathartic vent for listeners navigating family gatherings or the ongoing political climate.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Department of War” Grievance

• Pumps voices her “Had It” with people calling the Department of Defense the “Department of War,” slamming it as a macho, insecure move reflecting little “dick energy.”
  • Quote (02:26): “That is the biggest little dick energy. Teeny weeny peeny I have ever heard... It just shows how unserious this administration and Pete Hegseth are.” – Pumps

2. Weaponized Misogyny & Trad Wife Grift

• Jennifer targets the hypocrisy of career women in media preaching stay-at-home, anti-feminist values to other women.
• She names names (Bondi, Erika Kirk, Megyn Kelly) as part of a GOP grift that upholds misogyny under the guise of “pro-family” politics.
  • Quote (05:15): “Women in this country, do not listen to these grifting women that think it’s their business what you do in your private life.” – Jennifer
• Both hosts highlight the real danger such messaging poses to women in abusive marriages, the lack of support for women’s choices, and continuing struggles for equality and safety.
  • Quote (10:30): “The tired Republican argument of ‘we love family. We are so pro-life’—bullshit. You’re pro-birth. You don’t want any social safety nets.” – Pumps

3. Humor & Holiday Inclusivity

• Kylie enters as “your ho ho ho…lesbian Santa helper,” with the segment dubbed a “DEI Christmas.”
  • Quote (12:45): "It's a DEI Christmas here at I've Had It." – Jennifer
• Hosts joke that everyone is welcome except MAGA supporters.

4. Viral Instagram Meme Reading: “Elf On A Shelf” Trump Roast

• Kylie brings an Instagram post transforming “Elf on a Shelf” into “Pedo in a Meadow,” “Lard in the Yard,” and more, delighting the group and restoring their faith in American creativity and resilience.
  • Quote (14:51): “That was so gorgeous. That is America at its best right there. Truly. It’s creativity. It’s smart, it’s clever, it’s cunty.” – Jennifer

5. “Triple Trumpers” & Political Fatigue

• The hosts express exasperation with efforts to “reach” hardcore Trump supporters, advocating instead for mobilizing the podcast’s “cool” base.
  • Quote (16:00): “I think everybody's like, shut the f**k up. With your whole identity being the Trump fight.” – Jennifer
  • Quote (16:58): “I get so tired of hearing that. You just have to cut bait and say we’re never going to reach them. Peace out.” – Pumps

6. Faith, Grift, and Farting Pastors

• Kylie shares a bizarre viral news story: a pastor in Africa “healing” parishioners by farting on them—sparking a wider critique of religious grift, mega churches, purity culture, and the ways faith is used to control women and sexual norms.
  • Quote (22:05): “Here’s another reason why I’m not into religion at all and think it’s all a grifting, controlling bullshit.” – Jennifer

7. Purity Culture & Sexual Shaming

• The team dissects the harms of purity rings, abstinence-only messaging, and the awkward realities such moralizing creates for teens (including stories of motels, fake IDs, and failed first experiences).
  • Quote (27:47): “They are pre-spinning hormones and pre-shaming children before they get the hormones. It is so f**king abusive.” – Jennifer
  • Quote (28:38): “The first guy you had sex with had a micropenis… Then you’re a lesbian that gets f**ked by a micropenis forever had you followed your religion.” – Jennifer

8. Callers’ Holiday Complaints

a) Spotify Wrapped Fatigue (35:05–37:29)

• Eric from Rhode Island rails against Spotify/Apple/Youtube “wrapped” end-of-year lists saturating social media.
  • Quote (35:30): “At this point, the only ‘wrapped’ I want to be a part of is the Rapture. Get me out of this hellscape, please.” – Eric

b) Media Sexualization of Girls (42:21)

• Tiffany objects to entertainment media labeling preteen celebrity daughters as “all grown up,” calling it pedophilic.
  • Quote (42:21): “She’s 12. She’s all grown up. She’s 13. She’s 14. She’s all grown up. No she’s not. She’s a child you pedophile.” – Tiffany

c) Unsolicited Photo Scrolling (47:11)

• Kate Ann complains about people scrolling through phone photos after being shown just one—resulting in accidental nude photo reveals.

  • Quote (47:39): “Don’t swipe through my photos because you’re probably gonna see a naked photo of me. And that is what just happened to me with my father in law.” – Kate Ann

• Kylie’s story about accidentally texting the infamous “well-endowed meme man” photo to her proper Nana (51:02–51:27) is a standout cringe-comedy moment.

9. American Cultural Contradictions & Child Sexualization

• Discussion of the bizarre American habit (especially in the South) of heavily sexualizing little girls through pageants/dance, while simultaneously shaming natural adolescent sexuality.
  • Quote (44:27): “You see this a lot with churchgoers…they have their kids signed up into this. It’s very normalized…while at the same time they’re telling the kids, yeah, twerk, do your eight count of twerking, but also, you can’t have a crush on a boy.” – Jennifer

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On “trad wife” hypocrisy:
  “It’s none of your business what other people value or what matters to them … women in this country, do not listen to these grifting women that think it’s their business what you do in your private life.” – Jennifer (05:15)
• On “DEI Christmas”:
  “It’s a DEI Christmas at I’ve Had It podcast. Everybody is welcome except for white racist MAGA.” – Jennifer (12:52)
• On religious grift:
  “If you go to a mega church and they have over $100 million just sitting in the bank, you’re in a cult.” – Jennifer (22:05–24:12)
• On purity culture’s harm:
  “It is so f**king abusive, you guys. And it just never gets talked about.” – Jennifer (27:47)
• On (accidentally) sharing homemade porn:
  “They put it on and press play, and it’s their homemade porn for, like, all the family members… Each second feels like a decade.” – Jennifer (48:37–50:28)
• On sexualization in media:
  “No, no, no, no, no, no. They were children. It’s sexist, it’s misogyny, and it’s a cover up, in my opinion.” – Pumps (43:58)

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Important Timestamps

• 02:26 – Pumps’ “Department of War” rant
• 05:10–12:28 – Jennifer and Pumps on hypocrisy of right-wing female influencers, trad wives, and anti-woman laws
• 13:08–15:26 – Kylie shares “Elf on a Shelf” meme-turned-Trump roast
• 20:27–24:12 – “Farting Pastor” segment & critique of faith/religion as grift
• 27:00–33:44 – Purity culture, personal stories, and deconstructing sexual shame
• 35:05–37:29 – Eric from Rhode Island calls in about Spotify Wrapped
• 42:21–47:06 – Tiffany on media’s sexualization of girls
• 47:11–52:15 – Kate Ann on phone photo scrolling; Kylie’s “big dick meme” family story

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Tone & Style

Brash, witty, sharply satirical, shot through with caustic humor and cathartic venting — but also fiercely protective of female autonomy, equality, and the value of laughter (and community) in troubled times.

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Final Merry Grievance

• Jennifer closes with a pitch for their new political podcast (“IHIP News”) and a signature sign-off:
  “What does an eagle say? Caw-caw. That’s the patriotism this country needs right there.” (54:02–54:16)

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For listeners: If you’re craving comedic outrage, holiday solidarity, honest talk about politics, gender, faith, and American weirdness — with memorable laughs along the way — this “Merry Griftmas” delivers.

Transcript

[Pumps]

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[Jennifer]

So are we supposed to start the podcast?

[Pumps]

Ready? 1, 2, 3.

[Jennifer]

Patriots, gay trots, they trios, black trio, brown trio, and MAGA. People can do what pumps off that. There she is. There's her little.

[Pumps]

I mean, that's one claim to fame. Is that off? And I know, I have to say, it keeps getting better.

[Jennifer]

It really does. I think it really fires up the base, the listenership of I've had it. I think as stupid as we feel doing it when we're in a studio with guests, like serious guests, it's amazing. I remember when we did it in front of Zoran Mandani and he just kind of, like, busted out laughing.

[Pumps]

Yeah. I always feel like I just want to, like, put a bag over my head and do it and then take it back off and pretend it never happened.

[Jennifer]

But in these moments where it's just you, me, and the listener and Kylie, it's. It feels. Yeah, it feels great. Right?

[Pumps]

Because it's like we're just by ourselves. Yeah.

[Jennifer]

There's four of us here. That's all. That's me, Kylie, the listener, Seth. Sometimes Seth is in when he's. He's in the background, you guys. As he's editing, he's on. In on the stream. All right, the star of our show, America's greatest legal mind, the Princess Diana podcasting curtains. What have you had it with?

[Pumps]

Okay, what I've had it with. And I mean, I've had it with this every day. At least once a day, I've had it with people running around calling the Department of Defense the Department of War. That is the biggest little dick energy. Teeny weeny peeny I have ever heard when you have to say, I'm a big, big boy. I run the Department of War because I'm a big war soldier. It is so juvenile. It just shows how unserious this administration and Pete Hegseth are. And just every time I hear someone call it the Department of War, it's like, cringe, cringe, cringe. And so that's why I had just such a giggle when the last Suck Trump's dick Cabinet meeting happened in the Secretary of Wars placard said secretary spelled SS like they can't even spell. Only Congress can rename a cabinet department so everybody calling it the Department of War. All you're doing is telling me you have an inferiority complex, you feel very insecure, and that your dick is less than 2 inches rock hard. And that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I just find it so offensive.

[Jennifer]

Yeah, you know, these insecure, emotionally stunted men, I just feel like the gig is up. Like it's just so, they, they, the insecurity, the little dick energy, just, it's just so cringy to watch. And then all of the surrounding them that try to fluff each other up, it's. It's like watching all of these people in a homosocial relationship trying to fluff each other up. No, you're pretty masculine. No, you're pretty masculine. No, you're pretty masculine. And it just, yeah, it I. The brokenness of these men, I wonder if it's linked to young men feeling lonely and isolated because the people that could be there, mentors, you know, ambient mentors out in the world are these dipshits. And that would be pretty depressing. Which brings me to my grievance, which is dealing with the other gender. I've had it with women that have full time jobs, getting on television or podcasting microphones or interviews, telling other women that they need to value marriage and children and staying at home. And these women are doing this from their full time jobs. They are away from their children, have child care, working 40, 50 hours a week, weaponizing their gender to use to suppress other women. And the through line and all of this fascism that the Trump regime is doing is misogyny. And they have intentionally weaponized these women, like Bondi, Eric Kirk, a lot of these right wing influencers, Megyn Kelly, all of these women are career women. They all have careers, yet they are telling other women, you need to value marriage and you need to value children. It's none of your business what other people value or what matters to them? First and foremost, this is a bullshit thing from the Republican Party that the Democrats need to respond to. And the Republican has had ownership in this for like 20 years. We're pro family party. Well, duh. Who's not pro family? I mean, that's just when your policies as a party is. You have to say something that is a foregone conclusion, then we know you're actually not pro family. What we know is that you're only pro a certain type of family, right? That you're an absolute bigot when it comes to other families, that you probably look down upon interracial families, that you look down upon families where maybe it's two lesbians or maybe two gay men. You think it's your business, and you think you can quantify which families are better, and you think you can quantify which women can work and which women can't. Because you're a party of codependent, toxic, busy bodies that like to crawl up in everybody's ass and park there and deal with this stuff instead of actually, if you were pro family and you were pro women, you'd shut the up and get to work in Congress and do something that made a difference. But you don't. It's all proper ganda. And women in this country do not listen to these grifting women that think it's their business what you do in your private life. Some women may want to be housewives and breed and have a bunch of kids. Great swing for the fences. Not my business. Some women may want to be married and have kids and have a career. Great swing for the fences. It's not my business. What I do want to remind women is, is that there has been a lot of work before. All of us have arrived at this woman at this moment by a lot of brave women to make sure that women are safer. And there's still an ongoing fight for wage equality, which has still not been realized yet. And a lot of women as these Christian women are out there propagandizing these very dangerous messages. It's very important. Right now, on this Christmas day, right now, there are women all over America that are in abusive relationships, maybe a relationship with an active addict or an active alcoholic. They are either being financially controlled or abused. The children are being financially controlled and abused and witnessing all of this. And if you really care about women and you really care about families, don't prevent exit strategies for people getting away from abusive relationships. Right now, on this Christmas Day, there are a lot of women in tears that feel like they can't leave because they don't have money, because their husbands have kept it all from them. This isn't all families, but it's some families. And this idealism that MAGA projects, this 1950s housewife that serves the martini and the steak, suicide rates among women were much higher back then. The data of all of this stuff is not that we were greater back then. As daunting as it feels to be an American right now, we're actually better because we have leaned into equality more and leaned into lifting up marginalized people and really brave women that fought really hard for Erica Kirk and for Megyn Kelly and some of these other women to have full time jobs. These brave women took huge risks and really did the civil rights work for women to progress. And so as you're sitting there demeaning something that a lot of women fought for your right to do, you are endangering women, you are endangering children, and you are endangering the thing that you claim you love more than anything else, which is family.

[Pumps]

Here's the thing, the tired Republican argument of we love family. We are so pro life bullshit. You're pro birth. You don't want any social safety nets. You don't want paid family medical leave. You don't want anything that facilitates making it easier and better. Better for a parent or parents. And my follow up would be you. I was raised in a system of internalized misogyny because evangelical Christianity, white evangelical Christianity makes people believe that women are subservient to men. So you got to take a look at that. Why does the Bible, why do these people allege that men should be the head of the household and women should submit? I'll tell you exactly why. It's in the Bible. And they want control. They want to control women. They want to control their sex lives. They want to control how much money they have. And there is nothing good that comes from making women be subservient to men because old white men have been in charge forever. And look at where the fuck we are. And to add to your group of women that sit there and platform this idea that women should be trad wives, I think about the social influencers that are making a gazillion videos a day about how great it is to be a trad wife. Being a trad wife on the Internet is a full time job. And let's not forget there are some women that don't have choices. They this model assumes women always have choices. That is not the case. So I completely, completely wholeheartedly agree with you. I think the Trump administration and the Republican parties latching on to, you know, Project 2025 and all of that, it makes women less safe. I completely agree with you.

[Jennifer]

Go get them pumps.

[Pumps]

All right.

[Jennifer]

Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer.

[Pumps]

I'm Angie.

[Jennifer]

Kylie's here. Kylie. Oh, my gosh. Look at our little ho ho ho Santa's helper.

[Kylie]

I'm your ho ho ho.

[Jennifer]

You're a lesbian Santa helper.

[Kylie]

I am.

[Jennifer]

It's a DEI Christmas here at I've Had It.

[Kylie]

I'm a DEI elf.

[Pumps]

I love that DEI Christmas. Nailed it.

[Jennifer]

Yeah. It's a DEI Christmas at I've had it podcast. Everybody is welcome except for white racist maga.

[Pumps]

Yep.

[Jennifer]

Actually, any maga.

[Kylie]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Pumps]

I was gonna say yep.

[Jennifer]

Yeah.

[Pumps]

Across the board.

[Jennifer]

Yeah.

[Kylie]

Okay, today I want to go over an Instagram post that I saw with you guys, and I'll describe it for the listener. So the Tony Michaels post this, it's a photo of Trump walking through, like, a field of flowers, and it says, you've heard of Elf on a Shelf? And then the comment section did not disappoint. So we're going to go through it. So you've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but have you heard of pedo in a meadow? Shit smear on the frontier? Poopy pants in the plants. Abusive powers in the flowers.

[Pumps]

Wow.

[Kylie]

Arterial clots in the forget me nots. Dementia on an adventure. Disaster in the pasture in the botanical. Putin's pawn on the lawn.

[Jennifer]

Oh, my gosh. So good.

[Kylie]

People are so good. Brain dead in a flower bed. Man child in the wild. I love this cunt on a hunt.

[Jennifer]

Oh, that's good.

[Kylie]

Insurrection in the flower section. Lard in the yard. Cognitive decline on a vine. Crazy in the daisies. This is the last page. I got zero morals amongst the florals. Bubba blower with no lawnmower. No looking for Bill on the hill. Skid mark in the park. Small peen in the green labial neck Folds in the marigolds and tiny handsies in the pansies. And it went on and on.

[Jennifer]

That makes me feel so patriotic.

[Kylie]

Yes.

[Jennifer]

That makes me realize, listener, we're still here. We've still got it. America is still here. And we've still got it. That was so gorgeous. And that is. That is America at its best right there. Truly. It's creativity. It's smart, it's clever, it's cunty. It's so good, Kylie. That was a Christmas miracle. I needed to feel faith in Americans, and that that was an absolute Christmas miracle. A.

[Kylie]

Plus.

[Pumps]

Love that. I mean, that was so good. My cheeks hurt from laughing when I saw my Christmas.

[Kylie]

I opened that comment section and I, I mean, I felt warmth. I felt like.

[Pumps]

I totally.

[Jennifer]

I feel. I feel like I want to put a flag up. Do you know that makes me feel patriotic because, God, these, these Patri. Hey, Patriot. I'm such. I mean, like, I feel like there's a national fatigue of these dipshits. Are y' all feeling that?

[Kylie]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Pumps]

But I just wonder if it's me.

[Jennifer]

No, I think it's real. I think it's totally real. I mean, I just think everybody's like, shut the up. With your whole identity being the Trump fight, fight, fight video or photo and the American flag. Shut up. Shut up. The up. Shut. You got him. You got him three times. And look at where we are you. And here's something. I'm just. Here's just a. Sorry, Kylie, Stay on the screen. Everybody needs to see Santa's helper. Yeah, I've had it with, like, this whole thing of, like, we need to, you know, have an offering up and have a place for these triple trumpers to come land. They're never going to like us if they triple trumped. It's over. You have to get our own base out. The cool people that wrote all these comments section, there's a bunch of those people out there.

[Pumps]

I completely agree. I get so tired of hearing that. Because if, first of all, they're down to like, what, 30% of the country, you just have to cut bait and say we're never going to reach them. Peace out. We're going to vote for your rights, but we're not going to try to endear ourselves to you. I completely, completely agree. Totally agree.

[Kylie]

I also think there's so many more of us than it feels like. And like, when the bot thing came out on MAGA and they're all from Nigeria, they're all from India, that was the most comforting moment for me because I was being gaslit this whole time. I'm like, there are not this many people that believe this.

[Jennifer]

Exactly.

[Kylie]

Prove me right.

[Jennifer]

It's all fake.

[Kylie]

Yeah.

[Jennifer]

I mean, there's real ones. I've met them.

[Kylie]

Yeah, we know some.

[Pumps]

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[Jennifer]

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[Kylie]

Kylie okay, I've got some news stories and this one is Pastor and this is real. Before you even ask Angie Pastor who farts on the faces of his congregation to heal and cure them with God's power is going viral. It says a pastor reportedly farts on people's faces as a healing process to cure all spiritual and physical problems. Pastor Christ Penelope of Sevenfold Holy Spirit Ministries has created a buzz online for his unorthodox method of healing people after a photo of him sitting on the heads of people apparently farting on them went viral. According to the pastor, farting near the person's nostrils is important so that the healing power can enter the body to do its work. Quote, it started with Master Jesus when he stepped on Peter. It is the demonstration of God's power. Just like God made Adam go into a deep sleep. It's a similar thing. I have some photos of him for the listener. The pastor is literally sitting on their faces, farting on them.

[Pumps]

I. I don't even know what to say about this. This is so unbelievable. Like, I'm sitting there going, are you sure this is real?

[Kylie]

Yeah.

[Pumps]

How can this be real? And then I think all the crazy that Trump does and says, no wonder people buy it and they're not offended because they're going to church and their pastor sitting on their face and farting. Like, what in the is happening? Why is this? Okay, Like, I don't understand.

[Jennifer]

All I'll add to this is I always think, like, there's no more reasons for me to be an atheist. That's been determined a long time ago. And the evidence just keeps rolling in as to, oh, here's another reason why I'm not into religion at all and think it's all a grifting, controlling bullshit. And listen, I know it's a big, big day for a big birthday boy. I know that listener. And for those of you that are of faith and don't fart or go to a farting church or don't go to a big mega church promoting you to tithe, and you have some sort of, you know, serenity that you get from this thing. I'm not talking about you, but because I'm a cultural Christian, you can see here I have all sorts of Christmas decorations around the apartment. I mean, love Christmas. It's really fun to celebrate birthdays and the birthday boy. But I'll remind everybody that before it was Jesus's birthday, it was a pagan holiday that the Christians borrowed. You can look that up. They would go out and get trees and bring them back. And it was more so to do with, like, sunlight and things. So, you know, there's a lot of things that our species has worshiped and done. But I do think on this big birthday today, we do need to keep calling out these religions and mega churches and grifters like this, that at the core, people are just looking for belonging and right answers and community. And there's so many bad actors in these spaces that really propagandize people into thinking, like, their whole ethos should be like, purity culture and anti gay. And that's what mega church, that's what it boils down to. They teach purity culture, anti gay, and then Christian narcissism They don't teach anything though. Maybe on Christmas they'll trot out and like feed the homeless or something. But if you go to a mega church and they have over $100 million just sitting in the bank, you're in a cult.

[Pumps]

Yeah. And if they're farting on you at church, you're in a cult. Okay, so you. I have an. I have like an admission.

[Jennifer]

Are you farting on people at church?

[Pumps]

I'm farting on people at church.

[Jennifer]

That's what. I knew it. I knew it.

[Pumps]

I didn't put up my a tree this year. I didn't put up one last year because we were out of town. My thought, it's the devil I know. And remember I used to.

[Jennifer]

You used to be a church going Christian and then you started hanging out with me.

[Pumps]

It's all your fault now.

[Jennifer]

And now look, you're not even celebrating the birthday boy.

[Pumps]

I'm not. I put Christmas lights up. I have a wreath that. But I thought we're going to. We're going to go see my son that lives in Houston. I don't have one decoration up in my house. And I kind of felt guilty about it. I even drove my fat ass out to this big Christmas store and I was like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get in the season. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna put it on my kitchen table. I'm gonna do it. It was closed and I thought it. I tried.

[Jennifer]

I also have to tell you something. Ever since you got on Ozempic and Mongero, you're not fat anymore. You weigh like 100 pounds. You're tiny. You were an extra small. You don't get to call yourself.

[Pumps]

It's not necessarily a descript description. It's just a smart ass that you know, thinks they're cool. It's a fat ass whether you're fat or not in my lingo.

[Jennifer]

I appreciate it, but I'm not going to call you fat Kylie. Are you going to call her fat ass?

[Kylie]

I'm not, no. Also Jen, go ahead. It just felt like a good day to remind everybody that When I was 12 or 13, I asked my parents for a purity ring because I wanted one so bad.

[Jennifer]

Yes, because you went to a what? Kylie?

[Kylie]

I did not yet. I went to a Methodist church at this time. A small.

[Jennifer]

Okay. And then you went to a megachurch.

[Kylie]

Yes. Who lives with her live in girlfriend after four years. So purity.

[Jennifer]

And that, that purity Culture is something they start just pumping into children. Did your parents get you the promise, the purity ring.

[Kylie]

Yeah. I didn't have any money so I had to ask for it.

[Pumps]

And I'm sure they were delighted to give it to you because I've known people that have gotten purity rings for their. Like their child has asked for a purity ring and they can't get to the, you know, the store quick enough to buy it. And they think it's like a sign of good parenting.

[Kylie]

Yeah. And it was like cool to have one. Like I was not as cool as other people that had one in my.

[Jennifer]

School or in my life because everybody had it.

[Pumps]

Okay, let me ask you a follow up question. Did you notice that the girls that were wearing the purity rings, were they like super into the. Huh.

[Jennifer]

Slutty.

[Pumps]

Okay, they were slutty.

[Jennifer]

Okay.

[Pumps]

But my other question is, did they really believe it or were they just doing it for their parents? Like you believed it at some point?

[Kylie]

Yeah, I did.

[Pumps]

So the slutty girls have the pure.

[Jennifer]

Here's what I think we have to talk about, you guys. This is really important. It's really child abuse and damaging to tell kids, prepubescent kids, to start talking about virginity ad nauseam and saving yourself till marriage. And if you don't, it's the devil and these demons and they're going to gobble you up. And this is abuse. This is incredible abuse. Instead of educating people as age appropriately as they go up. And these are the people that think that there's some trans agenda in schools. Right?

[Pumps]

Right.

[Jennifer]

Meanwhile, they're brainwashing kids to already have problems with their sexuality. They're pre spinning desire. They're pre spinning. Think about how diabolical that is. Once you get hormones, it's normal that you're going to want to slap and tickle. That's how it goes. Hormones, attraction, slap and tickle. They are pre spinning hormones and pre shaming children before they get the hormones. It is so fucking abusive, you guys. And it just never gets talked about. It just gets set aside that, oh, yes, purity culture and we're saving ourselves for virgins. It's the worst idea on the planet to wait until you get married and then what's. I mean, then what happens? Kylie, think if you would have done this. The first guy you had sex with had a micropenis. Am I correct?

[Kylie]

Yeah. And his nickname was Peen because of that. I don't even know.

[Jennifer]

And then, and then just think about if you'd married him.

[Kylie]

Pain.

[Jennifer]

Then you're a lesbian that gets by a micropenis.

[Pumps]

Yeah.

[Jennifer]

Forever had you followed Your religion.

[Kylie]

Right.

[Jennifer]

Like you wouldn't be this fabulous Lesi, you know, Santa's little helper. I just. I think it's so insane how consumed American children are with virginity. And I think it's child abuse. I think it's child abuse to pre spin shame into kids. And that's what mega churches do. That's what these little Christian schools do. It's horrible. And they feel guilt for lusting, which is just a crush. It's a fucking crush. Thinking about French kissing the boy that sits two seats over for you. And these kids feel like, oh, I've lusted and the devil's in my brain. It's bananas. And those of you listening on this very holy day, big birthday boys day on the East Coast. This is so real. And fly over America. Those two. I, I mean it, it's. I went to school with so many girls that were so all about purity, culture and just. I mean, for the record, they were the first ones that got the cherries popped.

[Kylie]

Yep.

[Pumps]

Well, let me just tell. I mean, I know our forever listeners know this story, but when I first had sex and I was not married, I distinctly remember everything about it because we'd gotten a little hotel room.

[Jennifer]

Oh, wait, I didn't know that part.

[Kylie]

Yeah.

[Pumps]

Because I was in college.

[Jennifer]

Was it a hotel or a motel?

[Pumps]

I was a motel. I misspoke. It was Highway Hotel Motel hall. Yeah, it was. Because one of my friends.

[Jennifer]

Wait. A couple of follow up questions.

[Pumps]

We had a fake ID to use it.

[Jennifer]

Did you? Was it pre decided? We're going to go to this. This trashy motel and we're going to. Had you. Had you pre committed to losing the virginity.

[Pumps]

Yeah. Okay. Oh, okay. Planned. It was planned.

[Jennifer]

Okay. It was super sunny. Oh, God, you little. Tell us every detail.

[Pumps]

I'm sure you could have rented it by the hour if you wanted to.

[Jennifer]

Oh, that's.

[Pumps]

You had to have an id. So my girlfriend from Houston had a fake. She was cooler than us because we didn't have fake IDs. And so she went and rented the room under her fake id. ID name. So we went to dinner, we went and saw a movie, did the deed. And I distinctly remember like laying there thinking, when I get out of this bed, hell's gonna open up. Devil's gonna grab my ankle and pull me down. And to say that, I mean, that is a serious. As I can tell you. I thought that like laid there, like kind of paralyzed until I just had to go to the bathroom. Of course I didn't go to hell. I'M a sparkling vestal virgin. Any double spottings of purity and light. But yeah, that. So if you're on the east coast or you're in a foreign country and you think that sounds crazy, it's real. It is real.

[Jennifer]

And the speaker of the House everybody got his daughter a purity ring and took her to somebody freaky creepy Christian ceremony where he married her and had and said your virginity's mine and then I'll give it to your husband later. So not only is this inherently sexist, this is child abuse. They are pre spinning what happens to you, every human being when you go through puberty, you develop a crush, you want to make out with people. There's nothing wrong with that. It's perfectly normal. There's no shame in it. In the diabolical and manipulative and exploitive nature of these evangelical white Christians. To pre spin this to prepubescent children is nothing short of child abuse. You are abusing your children psychologically and, and pre shaming them sexually for something that every human being experiences. Lust, desire, crushes, teach them how to screw safely and with dignity and consent. That's much better because the these poor Christians teen pregnancy rate is much higher with in the red states than it is on the coast because they teach this abstinence only and it just simply doesn't work. And my God, could you imagine you wait your whole life and then you have sex and then it's just like what if that person is at Gyrator and Kylie's instance a micropene, you know, and you have to come, you have to that forever. And these are the same people that are trying to make it more difficult for women to get divorced.

[Pumps]

Right? Right.

[Jennifer]

Wow, that's just. First of all, I just want to say I'm so glad that the two of you are not in that black and white world thinking anymore that you're both so like got your own brains and opened up your minds. And Kylie, I'm glad that you are the fabulous lesbian that you are. And my God, Pumps Journey I think is one of the most important to be shared. I really do. I say it all the time. But you guys, Pumps was, I mean she was deep in the rabbit hole. Oh yes, you can read all about. Yes, you can read all about Pump's journey from Roadside Motel Slut Dodging Satan. Dodging Satan at the Motel 6. That can be your follow up book Pat.

[Pumps]

Roadside Motel Slut Motel.

[Jennifer]

I think we're gonna do a couple of callers here on Christmas Day and then we're gonna let you guys go. Enjoy your families. I hope they're not maga oxymoron, but whatever.

[Kylie]

Okay, but first we've got Eric P.

[Eric from Rhode Island]

Hi, ladies. This is Eric from Rhode Island. Long time listener, first time complainer. I have had it with Spotify wrapped, apple music wrapped, YouTube wrapped, books wrapped podcast wrapped, your mom's refrigerator wrapped. Nobody gives a what you listen to this year. What you did this year. I'm sick of seeing it. It is terrorizing my social media feed. At this point, the only rapt I want to be a part of is the Rapture. Get me out of this hellscape, please.

[Jennifer]

Okay, Mr. Rhode Island. That is so good. It's so true. And here's the thing about some of these Internet trends. One person does it like, oh, the Spotify rap. And I have fallen prey to this a couple years. I'm like, I wonder what my Spotify rap is. And then I'll post mine. And it's like this herd effect with it. But I do think he brings up a good point regarding the Rapture and God. You know, I wish it would come because either all of the people that think they're going, all of the aforementioned sexual shamers, even, they would not go. And we would all go. All the cool kids would go, right? Or vice versa, they'd all go, and then we'd get them out of here and we wouldn't have to deal with all this all the time. Pumps.

[Pumps]

No, I mean, I'm with. I'm with Eric. Let's fucking go.

[Jennifer]

I'm ready to ask you something. Did you think the Rapture was real when you were a believer?

[Pumps]

Okay, here's here. Let me tell you. So when I remember growing up, and I want to say it was around when the Shah of Iran was, like, overthrown and there were heated tensions between the US And Iran. And I distinctly remember sitting in a church where the pastor, who'd had an affair with somebody else in the congregation but was married and everybody ignored it. But that's different. It's a different podcast. He was talking about all the signs of the Rapture had been met and it was coming because of Iran. That's it was happening. So buckle up, buttercup. And then obviously it didn't happen. And I don't really remember ever thinking about it other than that.

[Jennifer]

But there were like.

[Pumps]

I remember several different sermons thinking, let.

[Jennifer]

Me ask you this. Did you, like, think, oh, I'm going. Like, this is the end, Or I was pretty.

[Pumps]

I mean, I was pretty young. I was. I mean, I'd say 10, 11ish. So I didn't, I didn't really conceptualize.

[Jennifer]

That to think about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pumps]

It was scary.

[Jennifer]

I always noticed my friends in elementary school, junior high, that were super. They were consumed with the rapture, consumed with purity culture. And it's such a. It robs this type of strict evangelicalism. It robs a lot of kids of their youth. Like, you should be listening to music, making tick tock dances. In our day, we didn't have tick tock, but we would make up routines and lip sync for each other. Remember the lip sync shows of the 80s?

[Pumps]

Loved them.

[Jennifer]

We would have. And then they would get all wound up about something to do with the, you know, rapture or, you know, promise rings and purity culture and all this. It really robs people of joy a lot of that. That does. And I think if. If it's a true religion and not a cult, it should bring you joy and bring you a sense of peace, serenity, not fear. And I think for some people, for some Christians, they experience that. Like Adriana that works for my interior design group. She's very, She's a Catholic. And she just says, you know, my experience with Catholicism, it's mine. It's personally, it's personal to me, and it's beautiful. And she never elaborates beyond that. And I always think, I love it for her. I do too. I really love it for her. And that's, that's, that's a beautiful thing. But God, it's been so bastardized by these insecure southern racists.

[Pumps]

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[Jennifer]

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[Pumps]

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[Jennifer]

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[Kylie]

Okay, the next one actually goes well with our earlier points and it is from Tiffany.

[Tiffany]

I've had it with E. News and other entertainment outlets referring to the adolescent girls daughters of celebrities as quote all grown up. Look at the daughter of so and so. She's 12. She's all grown up. She's 13. She's 14. She's all grown up. No she's not. She's a child you pedophile. That's disgusting. Don't say oh, she's more. She's not an adult. She's not grown. Stop saying that. I never see that about boys. I only see it about girls. Stop saying she's all grown up. When she's 12, she's not.

[Kylie]

So.

[Pumps]

Great point. Because you were in an era right now where people are trying to whitewash pedophilia. They're trying to make it less of a big deal that a 12 year old or 14 year old is sexually molested, assaulted, rape. Well I mean it wasn't like she was three. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you are 15 or 12. It's called a crime. These People are children. And one interesting thing, I think this caller reminded me when you saw the Young Republican talking about Nazi. And they're in college at early 20s.

[Jennifer]

Some of them are 40. Some of them were 40.

[Pumps]

Oh, they were, they were up to that age. They. Well, this was just a bunch of kids in a group chat. Okay, so they're kids. But then we talk about the victims of Jeffrey Epstein and these survivors who were young children, girls raped, molested, passed around. Well, they were young women. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. They were children. It's sexist, it's misogyny, and it's a cover up, in my opinion.

[Jennifer]

And here's just something that people need to realize about American culture. We have, especially in the south, these pageants and these dance groups where these kids are prepubescent in elementary school and they have on full faces of makeup and are dolled up in this really bizarre thing. And if you transfer that over to Europe and to other places, it's very weird that Americans have these little girls that are twerking and this full face of makeup. It's really a bizarre component to our culture. And when you look at how that is somewhat of a fetish, fetishization of a child, and then you look at, you see this a lot with churchgoers that have their kids signed up into this. It's very normalized. They don't think anything of it while at the same time they're telling the kids, yeah, twerk, do your eight count of twerking. But also, you can't have a crush on a boy. And it's this really weird treatment of little girls, in my opinion. And I, I think it's, you know, remember like the JonBenet stuff and then all of the, like the dance moms and all of that stuff, which I was one. Highly sexualizing children. It's a very highly sexualized component. And it's, it's alarming. It's very alarming to see the hypocrisy in real life of you can do all of these sexual things here, but you have to be a virgin until you're married. It's, it's like their whole lives are being set up to just satisfy male urges. And then for a Christian man, you know, I think a lot of the reason why they want abortion illegal is because they, in their minds think, well, I can only be attracted to a woman that's pure because of the virgin story that's baked into the Bible. And so I just think there's just a lot of Room and growth for women in this country. And that's why if I take it back to my original agreements, it's so alarming that you have women that are actively preaching to other women to give up all of the progress that we've made and they act like it's their business. Yeah, completely agree.

[Kylie]

Okay, the next one we've got is from Kate Ann.

[Kate Ann]

Hi, Jen and Pumps. I'm a huge fan of the show. I just recently started listening and I am now binging and I'm still two years behind, but it gives me something to listen to 24 7. Anyways, what I have have just recently had it with because this just happened to me is people who scroll through your photos when you show them one photo.

[Jennifer]

I've had it.

[Kate Ann]

Like it should be a standard that, you know, better not to scroll through people's photos unless they say swipe to the left, swipe to the right to see other photos. I've had it. Don't swipe through my photos because you're probably gonna see a naked photo of me. And that is what just happened to me with my father in law.

[Jennifer]

So.

[Pumps]

Oh my gosh, you know what?

[Kate Ann]

You shouldn't have swiped through my photos. I've had it.

[Pumps]

That's a great point. And I'm as guilty as of doing it. I do it all the time. When people tell me once yes, they'll like show and I'll just start scrolling to see the other photos. It's 100 right? And I like other people show me something on social media. And I like it on. I mean I just. You're the worst people's phones. So she's 100% right. 100% right. And I'm guilty as.

[Jennifer]

Yeah. If I'm showing pump something like, oh my God, you're not going to believe what Jane Doe posted on Instagram. It's so unhinged. She's like, oh my God, let me see it, let me see it. I'm like, do not touch my phone. I will hold it right here. And she's like, why does zoom in on it? And I'm like, your fingers are not going to touch the phone because the amount of of busting that pumps does busting that we're trolling somebody's Instagram account that we don't want them to know that we're trolling, which everybody does. And it's so fun to do. Little miss leaves her fingerprints all over the place. But this reminds me of a story of some acquaintance of mine in Oklahoma City. So they Remember when everybody had video cameras before you had a video camera on your phone? And so it's a married couple, and they, you know them, they videotaped themselves having sex. And their kids were kind of like toddlers at the time, right? So one of their parents comes over for Thanksgiving, and their toddler had just done something cute, and they had that on tape, and they're like, oh, my God, we'll play it for you. We'll play for you the video of your grandchild doing something darling. And they put it on and press play, and it's their homemade porn for, like, all the family members that are there for Thanksgiving. And then, of course, as something like that happens, you have a hard time turning it off. And each second feels like, you know, a decade. And could you imagine? Could you imagine?

[Pumps]

That's one of my favorite stories. Because that should happen. I mean, it's just. It's so embarrassing. And it's like. Like you said, it's like your hands are broken, the batteries out of the remote. Like, there's no way to stop it. I'd forgotten in that story, and I sure do.

[Jennifer]

Like, it's hilarious, right? Such a good one. All right, Kylie, have you ever played any of your homemade porn for family members?

[Kylie]

I have not. I did one time. My Nana. She's dead now, but she was a very, very proper, isolated, good Christian woman. Didn't cuss, didn't drink. You know, very rigid.

[Jennifer]

Oh, like pumps. And me.

[Kylie]

Yes. Very much like you all. And we had a family group chat. And do you guys know people will make a fake link, and it'll look like a news story, and you click on it and it's that black guy.

[Pumps]

Yes.

[Kylie]

My friends sent me a link. I didn't even open it. I was like, oh, my gosh. I copied it. I sent it to my family group chat. I did not realize until my nana responded that I had sent the photo of the black man with the big dick to my nana and my entire family.

[Pumps]

So I think your nana kind of liked it.

[Kylie]

Here's the thing. It's now, like, a family joke. Like, my cousins send me ornaments of him. We send memes of him.

[Jennifer]

So, yeah, our friend. Our friend Brian Bogart, he would send that to me for years. And then he actually, I think it was last year for Christmas, he made me a puzzle. I have a puzzle of that meme of that guy with a huge dick. Like, he will not stop sending it to me. It's so hilarious because he would make these really juicy things, and I fell Time, like every time. Like Trump. Trump had, you know, major stroke, is in icu, and I mean, I'm frothing at the mouth, you know, like clicking it. And. And then it's the. The guy with the huge dick, which really is a great juxtaposition. You know, the small penis energy that goes on with all of these MAGA people. And then we have this, you know, this robust, nice piece of chocolate with a huge donkey dick.

[Pumps]

Yeah. I'm gonna say, do you think that's AI. That penis?

[Kylie]

No. He's real and well endowed. Away. Which is sad.

[Jennifer]

He died.

[Kylie]

I heard he's not alive anymore.

[Jennifer]

Oh, my God. Rip that.

[Pumps]

I was hoping for more poses. I do. It's. It's horrible to get it when you're, like, talking. Like, I used to get it while I was at work, like with a client. Like, we're sitting in a settlement room at the courthouse and it would come through and I would see it and I would open it, and then you're kind of embarrassed because you're like, hi. You know, but like, I hate to hear that.

[Kylie]

Yeah.

[Jennifer]

All right, listen, Merry Christmas, everybody, and if you don't celebrate Christmas, Merry day and thank you for joining us. We hope this has been a nice respite from your family. And pumps. Will you just tell MAGA what we tell them just one more time? You can do better than that.

[Pumps]

Nailed it for Christmas.

[Jennifer]

All right. All the times. This is the part you say, we'll see you next Tuesday.

[Pumps]

Oh, yeah, we'll see you next Tuesday and Thursday. I was so proud of myself.

[Jennifer]

I know. I know. You should be. I'll tell you what I've had it with. Let's hear it. I've had it with that. Listen up, patriots, gaytriots and natriots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday. Every day, 15 to 20 minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America. Always served with a side of petty grievances.

[Pumps]

We are on all the available platforms. Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever you get your podcast and YouTube.

[Jennifer]

Please go, rate, subscribe and review so that we will charge upwards with America's greatest legal mind. Pumps, Pumps. What does an eagle say? Caca. Little bit more enthusiasm, kaka. That's it.

[Pumps]

That's.

[Jennifer]

That's. That's the patriotism that this country needs right there.

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[Kylie]

Com.