Caroline Rhea & Nicky Paris: Helping Strangers & Missed Flights

Summary

Jeff Lewis Has Issues

Episode: Caroline Rhea & Nicky Paris: Helping Strangers & Missed Flights
Podcast Host: Jeff Lewis (SiriusXM)
Date: May 29, 2026

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Overview

This episode features comedian and actress Caroline Rhea and comedian Nicky Paris joining Jeff Lewis and his panel for a lively conversation about parenting, personal mishaps, acts of kindness gone awry, and the perils of tour travel. The panel dives into hilarious and sometimes heartfelt stories about elevator insults, X-rated good deeds, missed flights, parenting worries, and the unique stresses of celebrity life—all delivered with their no-holds-barred comedic candor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caroline Rhea’s Career & Returning to 'Sheriff Country'

• Caroline humorously details her career labels: "Mother, comedian, actress, icon, whore for cash" (01:24, Caroline).
• She discusses preparing to shoot the next season of 'Sheriff Country', highlighting the writing and Marina Baccarin’s lead role:
  “You get the script and you’re like, I can’t believe that. You audibly react to the script. No, they’re really well written. It’s very exciting. And it’s in Canada, which I love…” (03:11, Caroline)
• Insight: Even for seasoned performers, co-stars and crew can influence the vibe—Caroline is told to be “less smiley” after a murder scene (03:35).

2. Parenting, Empty Nest Jitters & Parental Guilt

• Caroline shares vulnerability about her daughter leaving home and the anxiety of becoming an empty nester:
  “You have to accept that she will not live at home again after she’s in college. And I go, stop it.” (04:43, Caroline)
• Jeff chimes in with a realistic take on modern housing costs making return-to-nest likely (05:19).
• Caroline recounts how her daughter tries to negotiate for her car and ice machine when heading to college, leading to a classic gaslighting exchange (22:09).

3. Nicky Paris’ Missed Flight Fiasco & Life on Tour

• Nicky admits he missed a flight due to his late-night insomnia and taking a sleeping pill at 5am:
  “I take a sleeping pill. I woke up at 8:30.” (33:03, Nicky)
  Panel incredulity follows about the logic of this move:
  “Who takes a sleeping pill at 5am?... If it’s 5am and you can’t sleep, get up and shower and go to the airport…” (37:01, Panel)
• Discussion expands to comic travel anxiety and the need for compatibility in travel routines within relationships and acts.

4. Caroline’s X-Rated Good Deed Gone Viral

• Caroline tells of stopping traffic to help a little person cross the street—later discovering he’s a well-known porn star, King Dwarf:
  “I get this notification... from King Dwarf, Triple 4Xs. He’s a porn star and he was on his way to a date with another porn star…” (11:02, Caroline)
• The group searches for him online, leading to shock and awe:
  "My God, it's bigger than him." (12:13, Nicky)
  “No wonder he's a porn star.” (12:30, Jeff)
• Caroline’s take: “He was lovely.” (11:48)

5. Helping Strangers—Empathy and (Risky) Kindness

• Caroline recounts driving a woman (with bags and a golf club for self-defense) home after she missed the bus, simultaneously teaching her daughter about kindness but warning,
  “Don’t ever do what I just did… She had a weapon. Don’t pick up the people with weapons, you know?” (19:32, Caroline)
• The group agrees on how acts of kindness in LA can get complicated or weird.

6. Home Improvement Disasters & Friendships

• Jeff vents about managing a friend’s (Kim’s) pool problems, bad home warranties, and the drama of who’s responsible for maintenance (13:00–14:48).
• On Caroline’s own house: temporary “tent city” in her backyard during guest house renovations (16:09).

7. Celebrity Encounters & Awkward Fan Interactions

• Caroline’s elevator story: after taking a photo with fans, she’s asked “So, you’re still acting?” to which she fires back,
  “Yeah, are you guys still having sex?” (48:49, Caroline)
  Her zinger shames the fan with equal parts wit and sting.

8. Gaslighting & Parenting Tactics

• Both Caroline and Jeff share stories of their kids gaslighting them for treats ("You promised me a car"/"Emerald bracelet for St. Patrick’s Day"), noting how kids weaponize innocence for negotiation (22:01–23:14).

9. Sabrina the Teenage Witch Nostalgia & Revealing TV Magic

• Trivia about Caroline's run on Sabrina:
  “I did 144 episodes, I think… There were six real cats and one robot.” (41:29–45:40, Caroline)
• Nicky’s childhood is shattered learning the cat wasn't always real:
  “My childhood is ruined.” (44:12, Nicky)

10. Pet Parenting, Pet Names, and Cat/Animal Comedy

• Jeff discusses pampering his pets—including sending his dog to “doggy daycare” and debating the (high) costs (46:09–46:55).
• Funny repartee about cats with "human names" and their supposed personalities.

11. Astrology, Personality Types, and Signs

• Quick crowd astrology reading:
  “Tauruses… Fiercely loyal, add beauty, but their big weakness is denial… stay way past the expiration date in relationships.” (26:41, Caroline)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Career and Self-Description

• Caroline Rhea (01:24):
  "Mother, comedian, actress, icon, whore for cash."

On Parenting Anxiety

• Caroline (04:32):
  "You have to accept that she will not live at home again after she's in college. And I go, stop it. Why are you telling me this? Stop it."

On Acts of Kindness with Unexpected Results

• Caroline (11:02):
  "This is when I was on Twitter and it says, from King Dwarf, Triple 4Xs. He's a porn star and he was on his way to a date with another porn star."

• Jeff (12:30):
  "No wonder he's a porn star."

On Kids Manipulating for Treats

• Jeff (23:16):
  "She convinced me that I did promise her that."

On Elevator Insults and the Perfect Celebrity Comeback

• Caroline (48:49):
  '"So you’re still acting?"... So I said to him, "Yeah, are you guys still having sex?"'

On Missing Flights

• Nicky (33:03):
  "I took a sleeping pill. I woke up at 8:30..."
  Jeff (37:01):
  "Who takes a sleeping pill at 5am?"

On Sabrina the Teenage Witch Magic

• Caroline (44:01):
  "There were six real cats and one robot."
  Nicky (44:16):
  "Wait, you all knew this? That the cat was fake?... My childhood is ruined."

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:21: Caroline Rhea intros her role hierarchy and comedic persona
• 03:00: Talking 'Sheriff Country' and cast
• 04:25: Parenting, empty nest fears
• 07:10: Jeff’s home renovation patience
• 08:00: Nicky Paris’s mishaps: parking lot lock-in
• 11:00: Caroline’s “King Dwarf” good deed story
• 13:00: Pool disaster drama, bad home warranties
• 16:32: Caroline’s backyard “tent city” situation
• 19:44: Picking up a stranger with a weapon; lessons for her daughter
• 22:09: Kids trying to gaslight parents for cars and ice machines
• 23:07: Jeff’s story about being gaslit for a bracelet
• 26:33: Astrology breakdown: Tauruses
• 32:34: Nicky’s missed flight and sleep issues
• 37:01: Panel debates sleeping pill logic
• 41:27: Sabrina the Teenage Witch: Cat puppets and trivia
• 44:01: The reality behind the animatronic cat
• 46:09: Jeff’s pet spa stories and extravagant animal care expenses
• 48:49: Caroline’s classic comeback to an elevator insult

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Tone & Style

The episode is witty, irreverent, and shares both the vulnerabilities and foibles of its hosts and guests. There’s classic “Jeff Lewis” dry sarcasm, rapid-fire comic banter, and playful shaming, but also authentic moments on parenting, friendship, and the challenges of celebrity and personal connections.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

If you love sharp, authentic, and at times totally off-the-wall comedic conversation—especially about parenting, travel nightmares, showbiz oddities, and the delightfully awkward realities of daily life—this episode delivers. Caroline and Nicky’s stories blend heart and hilarity with just enough chaos to make you glad you listened.

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For tour dates and more info:
Visit carolinerae.com
Listen to more episodes of Jeff Lewis Has Issues on SiriusXM or your preferred podcast app.

Transcript

[A]

You're never just one thing. You're the boss. Hey, Google, when's my next meeting? The athlete that class wrecks me and their mom. Everyone in the all new Mazda CX5 more to move every side of you. Learn [e-mail] Google is a trademark of Google LLC. Sequences shortened and simulated.

[B]

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[A]

When you're Jeff Lewis, the drama never stops.

[B]

For the last is a decade. You've been covering disasters. That's right.

[A]

That's why he's here. The math ain't mathin' and the gay ain't gayin'.

[B]

Later you're gonna need to do maintenance.

[A]

Why? To be attractive. For who?

[B]

Oh, for us.

[A]

Jeff Lewis. Ha.

[B]

Hey, welcome to Jeff Lewis has issues. In today's episode, Caroline Ray and Nikki Paris join the show. We talk about Caroline's elevator insults and her X rated good deed. Plus what caused Nikki to miss his flight. I guess you're a comedian also.

[A]

I am comedian. Oh, my God.

[C]

I know.

[B]

But aren't you an actress before comedian?

[A]

It goes like this. Comedian. No, first of all, it goes mother, comedian, actress, icon, whore for cash.

[C]

Icon.

[A]

Icon. Oh, yes.

[B]

Have you always been this thin?

[A]

What are you talking about? I've seen.

[B]

That is a real flattering, a very flattering outfit you have today.

[A]

I have literally interlocked my ribs. It's so too tight for me. But it's a good one, right?

[B]

You look lean.

[A]

Thank you very much.

[B]

Did you lose weight?

[A]

No. It's really funny because I'm going back to sheriff country and it starts like basically the next day and I'm like, oh, well, overnight I went to a hot dog eating concert. I gained seven pounds and I had a bar fight. Anybody else do anything last night?

[B]

Wait, when do you start shooting again?

[A]

June.

[B]

I didn't.

[A]

You know, there's a famous actress who literally. You will know who I'm talking about. And I love her. She went into the kitchen the next season, picked up, she had lost 60 pounds and gotten a facelift. And I'm like, was it a spaceship? Like, how do you jump in by that. Everyone's like, I want to go in the kitchen.

[C]

What's in the kitchen?

[B]

Was it Kathy Bates?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

But, God.

[B]

Because she's lost a lot of weight.

[A]

But, God, she's a good actor. Is she the best actress?

[B]

It's amazing. So, Sheriff. So, Sheriff County, Season one.

[A]

Country.

[B]

Country. Sorry, no.

[A]

You're a big fan.

[B]

No, I haven't seen it, but I watched the trailer today because I was excited for you that you are coming back for season two.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Look, I want all chumps to be successful and make money and do well. And I was happy to hear that. Congrats.

[A]

Thank you very much. Yeah.

[B]

So, I'm sorry, how long is. How many episodes will you be in?

[A]

Probably half of them.

[B]

Great.

[A]

I mean, last year I did 15. Wow. Yeah. I'm not. I'm not. It's 22 episodes or 20, 21. I don't know. It was. You have to watch it. Cause Marina Backren is like.

[B]

She's the lead, right.

[A]

And she's like the most gorgeous movie star, but she has Mickey Fox. This character is like a female sheriff who is kicking butt. And you know the best thing about it? Literally every man is in love with her. Like, every character is in love with her. And it's just nice seeing that. And I occasionally come in and go, the governor's online, too. Chills. Full body shillings.

[C]

It was a little sultry the way you.

[A]

But the one director was so sweet, and he goes, can we just do a little bit less smiley? That was just a murder. And I. Oh, right. Sorry, sorry. Totally forgot. Totally forgot about the murder.

[B]

Do you read the entire script or just your lines?

[A]

Oh, my God. Like, when people go, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. My line, bullshit, bullshit. No, of course I read the whole script. This is the most. Matt Lopez writes these. They're like, you get the script and you're like, I can't believe that. Like, you audibly react to the script. No, they're really well written. It's very exciting. And it's in Canada, which I love, because I love when you watch an American movie that is pretending to be in Canada and it's like Robert De Niro and Al Pacino. And then the police officer says, soori about that. You were going, what are you talking about? And you're like, oh, it's Vancouver. Anyway.

[C]

Makes me want Tim Hortons.

[B]

Well, you go back and forth because your daughter is here.

[A]

Ava. Yes.

[B]

So who's watching her?

[A]

Well, she's, you know, she's 17, so she. Or my Nephew. Or I have a friend staying, or she's with her dad.

[B]

I see.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. No, she's.

[B]

Yeah. I would not. I mean, even when my daughter is 17, 18, I still feel like she's gonna need to be supervised.

[D]

She'll be coming to Canada.

[A]

You know, yesterday I was talking, you know how you have. Do you have, like, an alpha parent that you go to? You know, like, I have an alpha mom who teaches me everything. You know, like, you just kind of go, like. And they warn you about what's coming. Cause her kids were, like, older than Ava. And yesterday she gave me the tough love, and she goes, you're gonna be an empty nester. And I'm like, I can't breathe. No, stop it. No, no. I'm not breathing. I'm not breathing. I'm not breathing. She goes, you have to accept that she will not live at home again after she's in college. And I go, stop it. Why are you telling me this? Stop it. And then I said, what are you doing? She goes, I have to go. Have to make dinner for the girls who both went to college and live at home.

[B]

I'm like, well, here's the reality of it. With the high interest rates, the costs of. More than likely, she's gonna end up back with you. I hope.

[C]

Well, let's hope she gets a job.

[B]

And rants are out of. You know, they're skyrocketing. I feel like, hopefully she comes back to you.

[A]

No. First of all, she's my only child, and we're very, very, very close.

[B]

I know. I want her to come. I want my kid to come back. Live with me forever.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like Harry Potter. Like the Boy in the Cupboard

[A]

when I was like.

[B]

I don't remember that.

[A]

When I was 25, they kept Harry

[C]

under the stairs in the beginning.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't know.

[A]

Me Uncle Monty. Uncle Monty from Winknoll and I.

[B]

So you must be really going through it. Is she? Because she leaves for school when I'm

[A]

literally having trouble breathing. If you continue in this vein of

[B]

conversation, God, you're gonna be so sad.

[A]

Okay, Jeff, you know what? Let's talk about.

[C]

Well, no.

[A]

For 17, did you move into your house?

[B]

Yes, but for 17 years.

[A]

Stop it. You're so mean.

[B]

You completely focused. I know what kind of mom you are. You focused on this kid. You revolved your entire life around her. You were 10 years off, and now she's just leaving.

[A]

Oh, my God. Listen to that.

[C]

She's not going to war. She's going to college.

[B]

Where Is she going to college?

[A]

I don't want to say.

[B]

Okay, fine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Security risk.

[A]

Yeah. No, no, no. Just I was at career day at her school the other day, and every single parent was told by their child, do not tell who your child is. Like, in case you embarrass us horribly.

[C]

Make them guess Carolyn. Exactly.

[A]

Name another kid. You're like, no.

[B]

Well, I think that's exciting.

[A]

How is your child?

[B]

She's great. She loves the new house.

[A]

She does.

[B]

We moved in. Was it three weeks ago? Four weeks ago, yeah. Three weeks. Fixing a few things here and there.

[A]

Caroline, how long for? How long was it Reno?

[B]

Three and a half years.

[A]

I mean, who has the patience? Three and a half years. Just.

[B]

I love the process.

[A]

Three and a half years.

[B]

It's like I didn't want it to end.

[A]

Build another house.

[C]

And is this the house that Keyon blew up the bathroom?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

After getting a shepherd's pie.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Blew the piping.

[A]

Oh, Lord. That's so not Canadian. And shepherd's pie is a Canadian dish. Wow.

[B]

Yeah. No, it's Kay.

[A]

Last time I saw Nikki, he was like a little baby who was, like, talking about Sabrina, and now he's like a big megastar.

[C]

I don't know about that, but I love you. I have so many memories. My mom's got a date with a vampire. Phineas and Ferbs. Big part of my whole life growing up right here.

[B]

Nikki's still a little bit of a mess. I don't know if you remember him that as a mess.

[A]

Why is he a bit of a mess?

[B]

Well, let's just give you a few examples. I think just since the last time we've seen you, you parked in a preschool parking lot, and then your car got locked in overnight. Cause you didn't. What? Read signs. What?

[C]

First of all, there was no signs next to my gym. You know, I'm in a rush. I'm always late. And I parked in this open parking lot, and I didn't realize it was for preschools, but luckily a hot dad saw me panicking on the side of the. And he said, no, they're shut down. He gave me the hours people love to help me. And that's why I think you know what it's like to have a lot of courage.

[B]

But was the car locked in overnight?

[C]

Yes, it was. And I had to walk home. And I was thinking of taking a lime scooter like Jamie Kennedy, but I said, no, I'll walk.

[B]

Yeah, I'm glad you don't have a helmet.

[C]

I don't Have a helmet and you

[B]

cannot afford to fall on your head again.

[C]

Well, I have fell and hit my head.

[B]

We know.

[C]

A Lot of times recently.

[A]

Point of clarification.

[C]

Well, I come from a. Yes, it was open when you park there, and then while you're at the gym, they shut the gate. Yeah. So if anybody's in the West Hollywood area, the parking lot next to training mate is from 8 to 10 and 4 to 5, 30. I knew it was that parking lot. So if you knew, you did. I just had a feeling because it's an open lot. But you can't just park anywhere. You can't just park in a lot. Jameson has me air tag.

[B]

Something I would do, but I would. But I'd be quick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like if I had to go into a store or a bank or whatever.

[C]

Right.

[B]

I wouldn't park in an open park. How long was the car there?

[C]

Seven hours.

[B]

Which.

[C]

No, no, no. I got there at 8. It was. I got it at 9. I had to get it at 4, 9 to 10.

[B]

Wait, why did you leave it there so long?

[C]

Well, it was locked.

[B]

No, no, no.

[C]

And then I was thinking of hopping the fence.

[A]

He wasn't at the gym for eight hours. That's what I first heard.

[C]

No, I was in the gym for an hour, but I had to come back seven hours later and I thought about hopping the fence.

[B]

Okay, so the question was, how long were you in the lot?

[C]

Big areola.

[B]

The answer is. The answer is you were in her an hour. You were in the gym for an hour.

[C]

Yes, Jess.

[B]

The car was in the lot for an hour. During that.

[C]

Over an hour.

[D]

His intention was to have it there for an hour. During that hour, the gate got out.

[A]

Have you been watching a lot of Law and Orderyou're very prosecutorial.

[B]

I know you have to with Nikki.

[A]

No further questions.

[B]

N Not getting the. I just. He's not giving me the right answers.

[C]

I apologize.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What are you.

[C]

Christmas Eve? I was the nightmare before Christmas.

[A]

I can't believe they didn't tow you.

[B]

Yeah, it is kind of crazy. They just lock it up and leave.

[C]

They locked it up.

[B]

You know why? Because they wanted to go home.

[D]

That's so pet peeve.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't want to wait for the tow truck.

[A]

You know what? I have a pet peeve because I hate the driving in Los Angeles so much. I was driving down. I can't remember what, but it was packed parking, and there was someone trying to cross the street and nobody would stop. So I'm like, I stop. And it was a Dwarf. And he was trying to cross the street and I was like, I am so sorry that the city is so disgusting. That doesn't happen. He crossed the street but nobody would help him this way. So now I've trapped him in the middle of traffic. Oh no, stop. And I'm like, oh my God, what have I done? Like my good deed completely. Okay. So then I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. So then he crossed again. I was literally like, please get in and I will drive you to wherever you need to go. All right. So I get this like notification. This is when I was on Twitter and it says, from King Dwarf, Triple 4Xs. He's a porn star and he was on his way to a date with another porn star.

[B]

No. Can we look him up?

[A]

Yes. King Dwarf.

[B]

Did you, did you look him up?

[A]

I got the. I was alerted in a tweet.

[B]

But did you look to see what he looked like? Like naked?

[A]

I knew what he looked. No, I didn't. No, I'm sorry.

[B]

Well, we'll look it up right now.

[A]

I'm sorry. When I encounter people during meeting, I wonder what they look like naked. And the fact that that's an option is so horrifying. And I'm sorry then I've just never.

[B]

Have you seen a dwarf with a really big penis?

[C]

Yes. They say they're full sized. I'm just saying they're not proportional. I've only seen two.

[B]

Two?

[D]

How have you seen two online or in person?

[B]

Cause the rest of us, I don't think.

[C]

Oh, is that him?

[A]

Yes, that's him.

[C]

Not bad looking.

[A]

He was lovely.

[B]

He is not bad looking.

[A]

He was lovely.

[C]

Like a little Thumbelina.

[A]

You know what cracked me up? I find out that he's a po, but in his tweet he's like Aunt Hilda from Sabrina rescued me and took me across the street. Xxx King Whatever. King Dwarf Dong or whatever his name was.

[C]

King Dwarf Dong.

[B]

Yes, of course. No wonder he likes you. Of course the gays love you.

[C]

Oh my.

[B]

That's his penis.

[A]

Why are you showing?

[C]

Don't look.

[B]

That's insane.

[C]

My God, it's bigger than him.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

It really is. It's.

[C]

Who said that? Kian.

[A]

I'm sorry, what site do you immediately go on?

[B]

Did you heard a pornhub?

[C]

Just good old Google.

[A]

No. Yes.

[B]

No wonder he's a porn star.

[C]

Jameson, why is that Bookmark.

[A]

You should have bookmark. He was very nice.

[B]

I will have him on.

[A]

Yeah, he was very nice.

[B]

Can we reach out to him. Would you want to come on with him?

[A]

Yes, we can. We can tell the story, rekindle.

[B]

Because we can't. We can't count on Kim Whitley, your best friend.

[A]

You are in a mood. You are in a mood. You were taking him down.

[B]

Did she tell you how mad at her I got about the pool, by the way?

[A]

Is it a bird bath? What happened with the pool? Is the pool even there when I haven't been there?

[B]

I redid the pool. It was beautiful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I told her specifically. Okay, So I had my pool guy. So when you refill a pool, you have to do what's called a startup, where they do the chemicals, they brush it, they vacuum it, they do it for three days in a row. So I explained to her what was happening. She's like, oh, your guy's been here all week. I said, yes, today is his last day. Kim. I go, you need to get your pool guy back next week to start maintaining the pool. Three weeks later, Caroline, oh, no. I go to the pool. It looks murky. It's dirty. And she's like, I thought your pool guy was doing it. I said, kim, I told you specifically to bring. I was so mad because we did all this work to correct. It was a mess before. But what was wrong with it before, what happened was. And this is again, we talked about this with the fucking sub Zero warranties. She had a home warranty plan on her pool equipment.

[A]

Home warranties are terrible, I think.

[B]

Well, they take months to come out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So her filter, it's like very bad

[A]

insurance for your house.

[B]

It really is.

[A]

It is like medical insurance.

[B]

So the filter dies, and she does what everybody does. She calls the home warranty plan. They don't send somebody out for, like, four weeks. So the pool has. Is green, it has mosquitoes. And there was nothing I could do. I had to drain the pool. So I said, if we're gonna drain the pool, we might as well replaster, do the tile and all of that.

[A]

So you had to redo why?

[B]

I redid her whole pool.

[A]

But why? Oh, oh, at the beginning.

[B]

At the beginning, they had to redo the beginning. Then the pool was. It was not maintained for three weeks. And then she's like, you didn't tell me. I go, kim, come on. I was really upset with her, and I kind of stormed off. And so now she's been sending me these texts, and she goes, hey, look, my pool. And her pool's really clean right now, and she wants my approval. And she got this, like, solar pool.

[A]

And do you hear the part? And so I'm withholding it.

[B]

So she got me this. She actually. She showed me this video. She got a solar powered pool cleaner. So in addition to the pool guy coming, which is good, she has this solar powered, which is kind of cool pool cleaner that is just kind of floating along the water, the top of the water, and it's doing a great job. She goes, I love this thing. I would like to buy it for you.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I know. And it was like, almost $400.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So I. I said, wow, the pool looks great. And then I just. I just bought it myself. Oh, but. Because I want it.

[A]

I know, but we should have let her do that.

[B]

No, it's all right.

[A]

No, that's a control thing.

[B]

No.

[A]

You know, because she was trying to end the war, and then you were

[B]

like, there's no war. I was mad, but I'm over it. But I feel like there's so much to be done at that house. Like, use the $400 and put it where. You know what I mean? Put it towards house.

[A]

What would you do with that house?

[B]

Oh, that house needs a lot. Caroline. I mean, she did.

[A]

You have to come to my house.

[B]

She did the addition, which I like. And the closet is amazing. And that little guest suite downstairs. So she pushed the whole house out, Nikki, like, to the side.

[A]

It's on an acre. It's so beautiful.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So the land is, like, gorgeous.

[B]

The first floor is a separate guest unit, which is great. And then above it is this huge primary closet, which I thought was a really good improvement. But now you have this really nice addition. And then the rest of the house needs to be brought up to speed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like two houses. Do you know what I'm saying?

[A]

No. But you know what happened? It's like, you know when you live in a very nice neighborhood, but it abuts right next to a terrible neighborhood. That is what's happened with my own house, with my backyard. Like, my backyard looks like a terrible neighborhood.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. It has a tent. I'm not kidding.

[C]

A tent?

[A]

No, it has a tent right now.

[B]

What's going on over there?

[A]

Because I had to redo, I had to paint the guest house, so all the furniture in the guest house had to go into a tent.

[B]

I see. Okay.

[A]

So it's temporary. Yeah. Oh, no, no. Well, no, it's temporary. No, it's an Airbnb. I put out a tent. No, Please come and stay in Aunt Hilda's tent.

[C]

The Skid Row Inn King Dorf will be there.

[B]

Oh, we should.

[A]

You know what? You should all be very impressed with that man. He's obviously very successful at his job.

[B]

Obviously.

[A]

Obviously. Look at the two of you with that look.

[B]

I've just. I mean, you've seen two dwarfs naked. I have never seen a dwarf naked.

[A]

Did you just call Nikki a dwarf? Is that what you're talking about?

[B]

No, I said, he has seen.

[C]

And by the way, I'm even more petite than I thought.

[B]

I'm sure people are wondering at home, how did that happen?

[C]

Well, there's a strip club in Tijuana that I was at with friends and they bought me. And there was somebody that shot a ping pong ball out of their private. And they were a dwarf person.

[B]

Oh, I'd pay to see that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, we all love entertainment.

[D]

So that's one example.

[C]

That's one example. And the second person was Chelsea Handler's assistant, Chewie. He was in a porn. And I don't know why, but I looked it up when I was in high school.

[D]

Right.

[A]

Oh, so you've seen them from a distance?

[C]

One up close, one through a Dell computer screen.

[B]

Did you actually. What's his name? The dwarf king?

[C]

Dwarf king? Dong.

[B]

Oh, do we know his first name at all?

[A]

I didn't. No. We didn't speak more than. It was literally, like, the interaction was. I literally said, I'm so sorry that everyone is so rude in the city. I'm gonna stay here until you cross.

[B]

Oh, so you didn't actually drive him? You just stayed there?

[A]

No, but last week, when I picked my daughter up from school and we went through sort of like, slightly odd neighborhood, and there was a woman who was running for the bus and she had a golf club. Don't ask me why.

[D]

And she was late for her tea time, of course.

[A]

Whatever. Exactly. She had a golf club and she had a lot of bags, and she was running for the bus, and it was there and then it took off. It looked like a mean girl. You know what I mean? Like, you get to the car. Yes.

[B]

So of course I've seen that happen.

[A]

I hate that. So I just. I looked at my daughter and I go, okay. And she goes, of course. So I pull up and I said, would you like me to just drive you to the next stop? Look at you. He's looking at me like I'm completely insane. And she said, it's very nice of you. She said, well, that'd be so nice. And then she's in the car and I go, I gotta ask. What's with the golf club? Like, you know, are you going to hit both? Like, she was just a nice woman.

[B]

What was with the golf club?

[A]

She said it is defense because of crack addicts that come up and they're dangerous and you can pepper spray them and they giggle like they've had like water splashed in their face. And then she said, easy off is really what to do. And then easy of.

[B]

I never thought about that.

[A]

And then the traffic pattern was so ridiculous. And this poor woman was like, like, I'm home. Like, we were chasing the bus so

[B]

many stops that you drove her home.

[A]

I drove her home.

[C]

That's so sweet.

[A]

I know. But then my daughter and I were like. I said to her, I go, honey, I always want you to be kind to people. Don't ever do what I just did. Right.

[C]

Especially.

[B]

Cause she had a weapon.

[A]

She had a weapon. Don't pick up the people with weapons, you know? Yeah, but wouldn't you.

[B]

But you're very kind hearted. No, I would not.

[A]

You would.

[C]

That's so Canadian of you. You're so good. No, it.

[B]

I would just Canadian.

[A]

But it was also dumb because.

[B]

Yeah, but I. The other was just like, I don't

[A]

like the injustice I see all over the place.

[B]

I understand.

[A]

I don't like it.

[B]

But there was a woman that ran across Beverly, right? Which is. What is that? How many lanes of traffic is that? At least four.

[D]

Yeah, four.

[B]

And four lanes ran across, like. And people were slamming on their brakes,

[D]

go 60 miles an hour so she

[B]

could catch the bus across the street. And I'm like, this woman almost got killed trying to catch this bus. She did catch the bus, but still

[A]

I just thought the drivers are off on the.

[D]

No, it's.

[B]

No, she should be on time.

[A]

No, no, she should be on time. Oh, my God. I was at a. No, you guys. I was at a bus sign on Beverly.

[D]

There's actually more bus service.

[A]

And I got.

[B]

No, she should just be a little early. Sorry.

[A]

No, I got rear ended at 50 miles. The woman smashed into me because she was texting probably. She was texting.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

And the airbags went off and there's like. I was in total shock. And the car is like smoking. I'm like, is this right before it blows up? What's happening? So I get out of the car and I say to the woman, I go, are you all right? And she says, what show are you on? I'm like, it is completely irrelevant right now. You have smashed my car.

[C]

She had a headshot ready.

[A]

No, she did she was like, what show are you on? You look so familiar. Then her friends come and she goes, look who I hit.

[B]

I'm like, did she have to go to the hospital? Was she okay? Did you have to go?

[A]

Yeah, we both. She hurt my shoulder. She hurt my shoulder.

[B]

Did you go to the hospital?

[A]

Did I go? Yeah, we both went to the hospital.

[B]

Great. Because that's what the insurance agents say to do.

[A]

But it was 50 miles. Like, it was. She destroyed my car.

[B]

Was it totaled?

[A]

Total, yeah.

[B]

So you got a brand new car?

[A]

No, it's literally like. It's like someone. I mean, it was like the entire replacement, except for like. Like I have the original steering wheel. No. You guys, why, why don't you just want to give me a new car? Oh, no, no, they replaced it.

[C]

Oh, that's the worst.

[A]

But it was a brand.

[B]

It's never the same.

[A]

It's never the same.

[B]

Never the same.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Your negativity pills are too much.

[A]

It's like he's holding a newborn baby. This skin's not that soft.

[B]

You know what I mean? After a big accident like that, it's just never the same. You're start hearing weird rattles. You're gonna be like, where? It's gonna drive you crazy.

[A]

Okay, this is hilarious. I'm talking to my daughter, my nephew's in the car and we're driving. And my daughter says. She turns to my nephew and she says, so this is gonna be my car as of September 23rd. And I go, oh, and what will I be driving? And a bicycle. And she said, mom, you told me that I could have this car when I get my license. And I go, no, there was. I said, she's gaslighting you. I said, when I get another car, this will be the car that you will get. But I'm not planning on that. And you just got your permit and you've never been behind the wheel, so let's relax. And then she was in a mood and she goes, well, if I can't have a car, then I don't wanna go to college. And I go, this is the best conversation ever. I have saved hundreds of thousands of dollars and you don't wanna go to college. So then the next day, she said the sweetest thing. She goes, because I can't take the car to college, can I take the ice machine? And I said, yes, but it gets very low mileage.

[B]

But she gaslit you car, cuz Monroe did that.

[A]

They all do.

[B]

Monroe did that recently.

[A]

And then it makes you feel crazy.

[B]

Well, I'm a drinker.

[A]

You are?

[B]

Yeah. So sometime so famously. Yes. So I thought I must have told

[A]

day drinker, Night drinker.

[B]

Night drinker.

[A]

Oh, I thought all night long drinker.

[B]

It was like one or two drinks a night. But. But when we had this conversation, I thought to myself, did I have a drink? And do I not remember saying this? But she was adamant and so convincing that I promised her an Emerald bracelet for St. Patrick's Day. That doesn't sound like something I would have promised. But then I said to Shane, maybe I did say it because she's convinced. She convinced me that I did promise her that. Do you think that was a lie?

[D]

I feel like sometimes you float ideas and then she takes that as a promise and then really runs with it and holds you to it.

[A]

Wait, how old is she?

[B]

Nine.

[A]

How many nine year olds want an emerald bracelet?

[B]

Well, her school, probably most of them

[C]

get it for her.

[B]

I don't. We did. Oh, she did.

[C]

Okay, good.

[A]

Oh my God, you're so funny.

[B]

But I did the lab grown.

[A]

The what one?

[B]

Lab grown.

[C]

Are you guys Irish?

[B]

So it's. It's okay. Yes, we are a little bit Irish.

[C]

Actually. Irish people like Keon o'. Flargety. What's your last name? Never mind.

[B]

Oh, Matt too.

[D]

My favorite is when. When. Because their cats are Carver and Patrick. And when it was St. Patrick's Day, she was like, so when is St. Carver's Day? Oh, that was when she was like 5.

[A]

Carver and Patrick are. They're the gayest cat names I've ever heard.

[C]

Are they that gay?

[B]

Because I. I like to name my

[C]

pets handsome couple, Gayer than dwarf Dom.

[A]

They definitely have a timeshare in, you know, Provincetown for sure.

[B]

Because I like to name my pets human names.

[A]

That's a gay couple. Your cats are gay. That's a gay couple. They're very good looking.

[C]

New bird and Ernie.

[A]

Yes, exactly.

[D]

Spending the summer on fireworks.

[B]

I named Patrick, I named Patrick, but I did not name Carver. Carver came to me with a name, so I didn't come up with that name.

[A]

Carver came to you with a name. Carver the cat.

[B]

Carver the cat already had a name when I rescued them both.

[A]

Oh, I see you literally that. I was like, one day Carver came over and said, I feel Carver is my name.

[B]

Carver elementary. That's where he was found.

[A]

Do we really have to name somebody after their horrendously painful beginning?

[B]

You're right. Trauma.

[A]

You know what I mean? It's like you meet a guy, you're like abused, alcoholic, I'd like you to be sex starved.

[C]

You know, like, I'm Nicholas C section. Score.

[B]

I never thought about that. That could be very insensitive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Calling him Carver.

[A]

Right?

[D]

He's reclaimed the name. I think he's made it a positive.

[C]

See, when I hear Carver, I think violent.

[B]

Did you meet our Nepo baby intern?

[A]

I think you should call it Carve.

[B]

Lola.

[A]

That's me. Wait, where's Lola?

[B]

Right over there. It's Carney. Carnie Wilson's daughter.

[A]

You're Carnie's daughter? I love Carnie. I'm Mini Carnie.

[B]

Carnie's in New York. Doing the SiriusXM circuit in New York or what? Oh, no. She's a traitor.

[D]

Oh, mental health, man.

[A]

I love Carney. Or is it the whole group?

[C]

I wish my name was Lola. That's a great name. Lola.

[D]

Mental health.

[C]

Are you single?

[B]

She's promoting mental health.

[C]

Are you dating anybody?

[D]

Okay, she has single.

[A]

Ready to mingle. Lola. Yeah. What sign are you? Yeah, I guess. Well, you haven't talked to me very much. I haven't talked to you, and you're being completely blocked. You have very bad air time. I'm a Taurus. You know what? I was just about to say that. So there you go. And bonus points if you can get the month. If it's April or May.

[B]

Do we know about Tauruses? What are Tauruses like?

[A]

Well, as we all know, there's a great quality and then there's a negative quality. Yeah, tell me the negative.

[B]

Tell me the negative.

[A]

Look at him. Look at him. Tell me the negative. He's like, oh, negative. She said negative. Something bad's gonna happen. Yay. God, look at you. It looks like a little angel. Jeff Lewis, Live. And then in person, tiny little horns. A Taurus. Okay, so here's the great qualities about Taurus. They're fiercely loyal. They add incredible beauty to the world. But their big weakness is denial. They're in denial about things. They don't see it. And they can't stand hurting somebody's feelings, so they stay way past the expiration date. Tauruses are in relationships.

[B]

Are you a Taurus?

[A]

Shane Forever.

[B]

That makes sense.

[A]

Taurus placement. Yeah, I'm a Taurus.

[D]

Capricorn.

[A]

Oh, that makes sense. And also because I'm a Taurus, if you do that one more time, I feel like a sad clown. It's like a sad clown with gas. That's what that sound is. Do you know who's also a Taurus? Who? My mother. Oh, okay.

[C]

That was a big O. Makes sense. Collective.

[B]

Are they people pleasers?

[A]

Tauruses?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not at all what they are. They're very. A Taurus. Really? A Taurus gives you the impression because they're super nurturing, but they want to be in charge. Like, if you're with a Taurus, they want to be number one queen.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

Yeah. And you think like, oh, they're so nurturing. Like, a lot of decorators are Tauruses.

[B]

I didn't know that.

[A]

I didn't know I'd get a free astrological reading. I identify as her, which I keep myself from Aunt Hilda, you know, what

[B]

did you respond to the little person? Like, when he. After he damned you?

[A]

Of course I did. He didn't DM me. I can show you the tweet. He publicly.

[C]

It was on the feed.

[A]

On the feed. And then I said, I'm so glad I could help.

[B]

I want to follow him on Instagram. What's his Instagram?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

What was it? King Dong.

[B]

So what did you say in response?

[A]

I said, I'm so glad I could help you with. Get to your date. What?

[C]

You're an aunt to all of us.

[B]

He's a nice looking man. Were you at all interested?

[A]

I was in the car taking my daughter to a playdate, trying to save a man's life. And then I.

[B]

A playdate? She saved me.

[A]

I endangered it. It was ages ago. Oh, it was like four years ago. Not a playdate. I'll call them playdates forever.

[C]

It just shows who you are.

[A]

Whatevs.

[C]

What a good. You're an aunt to all of us. Like Aunt Jemima, Hilda and Aunt Jemima. Aunts who care for us all.

[A]

I do kind of feel like. Don't you feel this? Like once you have a child, you sort of become a parent to the world?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's like you walk by a baby and you're like, they're not annoying. If they cry, you're like, give them a bottle of cereals.

[B]

You know, I feel that way about all these kids in this room.

[A]

Exactly. You do. And I especially feel mature.

[B]

They do not want to be parented.

[A]

No little Luigi in the corner.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

He doesn't want to be Luigi Mangioni.

[B]

None of them want to be parented.

[C]

Oh, he wishes.

[B]

Even though it comes from a good place, nobody wants to be parented.

[C]

I love to be parented.

[A]

Aries are super parents too, because we are fixers and we don't. We can't stand seeing anybody in pain and we want to.

[B]

Or fucking up, making big mistakes in their life.

[A]

Well, I think that's actually you, Jeff. I don't think that that is. I don't think that that is really astrological. I think. And then like. And they're also really evil and negative and towards people and they always have something bitchy to say. We know how hard caregiving can be, especially when you're juggling so many other responsibilities. You're not alone. AARP offers free guidance and resources to help you along every step of your caregiving experience. You can even connect with a supportive community of others who know just what you're going through. Find the help you need today. Visit aarp.org familycare that's aarp.org familycare

[C]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

All right, so you have been touring with. With Becky Robinson.

[C]

Yes. The amazing Becky.

[A]

Hilarious Becky.

[B]

Now, last week you were traveling. Yes. Well, you were supposed to travel and you had an 8:40 flight.

[C]

AM at 8:40. Well, actually it started boarding at 8:45. The plane left at 9:25. But you know, I've been trying to catch up on sleep with the touring. You know how it is. It's hard. So lately I've been waking up wide awake at 4 or 5am I can't go back to sleep. So I take a sleeping pill.

[A]

Again through menopause.

[C]

Exactly. And no for sure.

[A]

I wish men would be so much more research.

[C]

Well, I could be exhibit test subject zero. But I took a sleeping pill. I Woke up at 8:30.

[B]

Wait, wait a minute. So you woke up at 5, took

[C]

a little crumble of a sleeping pill

[B]

and you have a nine. What time is the flight? 9:25.

[C]

The flight took off at 9:25. But the boarding, which I didn't check, was 8:40.

[D]

You took a sleeping pill at 5 in the morning?

[C]

I needed those two more hours, Nikki.

[B]

So then when you take the sleeping pill at 5, why don't you take

[D]

it at 10 the night before if you know you need to get a good night sleep?

[A]

Nikki, I feel you. You needed two more hours of sleep and you were gonna do it any way that you wanted. And they're not touring comedians.

[C]

They don't get it.

[A]

They don't get it.

[B]

Do we take a sleeping pill to take a nap?

[A]

To shower and nap? Is there any way you could speak like this, Jeff?

[B]

So you took a sleeping pill at 5am, woke up at 8:20?

[C]

Yeah, and then I had to be out the door by 8:30. And boarding started at 8:45. And I stressed poor Lyft driver who's telling me that he just lost his family and children in a divorce. And I'm like, I have to get to my tour date this weekend.

[B]

And you missed the flight.

[C]

I got there, she let three people on in front of me and I

[A]

said, what do you mean you got there? Did you fly?

[C]

I was made it at 9:25. I got there at 9:20 and tried.

[A]

You just said the flight boarded at 8:40. This is like a bad night.

[B]

It started boarding at 8:40.

[C]

8:40. The plane left at 9:25. So I looked really you in Burbank lax. So I.

[B]

How did you get the yes in shock.

[C]

We had ways up.

[B]

He lives by Chick Fil a on Highland and Sunset. How the hell did you get there?

[C]

I got there at 9:05. The plane left at 9:25. I got to the gate at 9:20. And I thought I was gonna talk my way onto the plane because I saw her let three people on with a stroller. So I said, they closed the door on you. This is a work trip. You know. Everybody I work with is on that plane. Could you please let me. Let me on. I have a brother in a wheelchair. I was trying anything. And she said, no, sorry, you have to wait three hours. And that's what I did. So I missed my first. And it was fine. I got to the show, like 15 minutes before, but it's those sleeping pills. I. You know, I'm like Aurora from Sleeping Beauty. I just love to be tucked in.

[A]

Can I ask a question? This is. I was really trying to figure out why, like, people think that it's just sex that has to be compatible in a relationship. Right. It is not. It is how you both have to wanna get to the airport the same amount of time ahead of the flight. It's like a huge one. And you sound like.

[B]

You're absolutely right.

[A]

You sound like you, like, run for the plane and like, Miss Impossible. You write and like, bang your way in. And Becky is probably there, like two

[C]

days before she gets there very early. This is the first flight I miss.

[A]

That is gonna get you in big trouble. As a comic, it gives me so much anxiety.

[B]

You leave the house so you're opening for people.

[A]

And. What about you? How early do you like to get to the airport?

[B]

I like to get there early. No. When I can. But sometimes we take flights right after this show and it's a little tight and we walk right to the gate. But I would prefer to get there a little early, go in the lounge, have something to eat. Cause I don't wanna eat on the plane. I hate that food.

[A]

But there are freaks that go to the airport before and sleep.

[C]

Well, that's what I'll be going to the school.

[A]

No one can ever. No, you could never be with that person.

[C]

My dad does that. He likes to get there before the pilot. It's weird. Oh, I know. No, but I.

[A]

Where were we?

[C]

Sleeping pills. We were flying to Seattle. We were playing Snoqualmie Casino Oh, I've played there.

[A]

That's so fun.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Shout out to you. So you got there 15 minutes before the show.

[C]

Before the show.

[B]

Was Becky upset that you missed the flight?

[C]

No, she's so understanding. Because I've never missed a flight before. It's rare.

[B]

But she would be upset if you missed the show?

[C]

Yeah, of course. And rightfully so.

[A]

My opener is cj Mac.

[C]

Cj, who I love.

[B]

I'd replace you.

[A]

No, no. He's hilarious. Hilarious. Hilarious.

[B]

Just in case.

[A]

But I said to him last time I go, if you're late again, because you don't understand, when you're late, the other person is so anxiety ridden, I would never.

[C]

You know, this is a one time thing, Caroline. You know.

[A]

I know. Why am I getting mad at you? I'm sorry.

[B]

I don't think it's a one thing.

[A]

I am.

[C]

It is a one time thing.

[B]

I don't think so.

[C]

You know, I usually am very by the book.

[A]

I don't think so.

[C]

Our little own TSA agent Jeffrey Lewis over here.

[B]

This is just bad judgment.

[C]

I took a sleeping pill.

[B]

I was like, who takes a sleeping pill at 5am? No one.

[C]

I was like wacko jacko. No one.

[D]

If it's 5am and you can't sleep, get up and shower and go to the airport and then you can sleep on the plane.

[B]

Yeah, well, what time did you go to bed?

[A]

11.

[C]

You know, I got a lot on my mind.

[D]

That's fine. Sleep 11 to 5, you can do it.

[B]

You had six hours sleep. That's fine.

[A]

They don't understand.

[C]

I need seven hours to be alone.

[A]

These are civilians to our wacky world.

[B]

We don't understand.

[A]

You don't understand.

[C]

It's, you know.

[A]

Yeah. It's not Capricorn of you at all.

[C]

Capricorn. It's not. But I'm trying to get off the sleeping pills, you know, it's hard, but I'm.

[D]

Sleeping pills you take before you go to bed, not in the morning.

[C]

Well, yeah, no, I know. I've been taking them five.

[B]

He's also not present.

[A]

Now, what kind?

[B]

You know, and accident prone.

[C]

Well, sure, yeah, I got an iep.

[B]

He's accident prone and not present. He trips, he falls, he drops things all the time. And is it true that you.

[A]

That's what. You're never gonna be a home healthcare person. This is like the meanest human alive. You know what she did today? You know what this 98 year old lazy ass woman did? She struggled getting up and she shed

[C]

the belly was involuntary.

[A]

You're Gonna clean that up yourself. This is not. I'm just here to look at your curtains, and they're all full.

[C]

This is my social worker right here. Yeah.

[B]

What did you say when I called your house charming? What did you say?

[A]

I said it's gay for. It's like when I get brought on stage, like, that's so true. Or. I was in a TV show once in sordid lives, I had to be, like, in a negligee. And Del Shores goes, carrie, you are so brave. And I go, everyone knows brave is gay for fat, okay? You're not fooling anyone. You're so brave.

[C]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

How long have you been taking this?

[D]

Sleeping.

[C]

I'm sorry. I'm done.

[A]

You're gonna say something brave and charming.

[C]

I'm just stunned, you know?

[A]

Do you know that? Did you ever see Sorted Lives?

[C]

Sorority Lives?

[A]

No Sorted Lives.

[C]

I haven't, but I will.

[A]

Oh, my God. You're like a Gen Z machine. I say a grown up bird, and then you make it into a Gen Z. Did you say Sorority Life?

[C]

The sorority. Sorority Lives.

[A]

Do you guys watch Euphoria?

[D]

I haven't watched this whole season, but I. I don't watch it.

[A]

I'm so traumatized over Jacob Elordi's toe. Anyway. They took his toe anyway. I thought you would have watched it.

[C]

No, I should have.

[B]

So you miss your flight, they close the door, they rebook you for a flight three hours later. And do you go into the lounge?

[C]

Yeah, I went into the lounge. And I got a big problem with the Delta lounge lately.

[A]

Did you go in the Delta One Lounge?

[C]

I have.

[A]

The Delta One Lounge is nicer than anywhere your destination is.

[B]

Yeah, the sushi.

[A]

No, no. The sushi. You're like, I don't want to get on a plane. I'm going to Cleveland. I want to stay in here.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[C]

The Delta Sky Lounge is disgusting. Delta 1 is better. I always find a red hair always in my food.

[D]

Jameson, no.

[C]

Oh, Jamison. I wasn't looking at you when I said.

[B]

Yes, you were.

[C]

No, I'm starting.

[A]

You look right out here.

[C]

I was just in.

[B]

Who else were you looking at?

[A]

Jameson, what are you doing here? Just shedding.

[C]

J. The both of you look like you just got off a Royal Caribbean cruise ship. I love it.

[B]

Did you. Was there an accident in the lounge?

[A]

That sounds hilarious that you think he'd ever go on a Royal Caribbean.

[C]

I spilled something in the lounge. I forgot. I told you that I did. But here's the deal. I have. I have a Lot of stuff in my hands.

[B]

Be careful with that drink.

[A]

I think you're Aquarius and Aries Rising. What are you.

[C]

I was born.

[A]

No. Do we know what you're born?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

She doesn't even know.

[C]

No, but the next time I'm here,

[A]

I'm gonna do you have to send me your info and we'll look at all your charts?

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Would you mind? I'm a Christmas miracle.

[B]

What happened in the lounge?

[C]

I spilled the whole coffee. They had their own.

[B]

I knew it.

[C]

I know. And glass broke. It was really bad. I know. No, and then I spilled an energy drink on Becky the other night on stage when we were at this.

[B]

Becky that. He's always falling, always spilling.

[A]

How do you break glasses?

[B]

He's not present.

[C]

Coffee. I am present. You know, I'm too busy thinking of how I could light up the world.

[A]

He's a mean Buddhist. You're not present.

[C]

No.

[A]

You're not lightly engaged. Jesus.

[C]

He's my Miss Hannigan. And I'm Annie. And he's. You know, it's the hard knock life. I'm scrubbing the floors here. Yes. I might have just built something, but he's my Miss Hannigan.

[A]

That's a good analogy. You should play Miss Hannigan or something.

[C]

I want to see the floor shine like the top of the Chrysler Building. We hear it.

[B]

Okay. Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You did seven seasons on that show, correct?

[A]

Are there two more that I didn't know about? I. No, I think I did five.

[B]

Were there five or there seven?

[A]

I know I did six.

[D]

Let me fact check this.

[A]

I did 144 episodes, I think. I don't know.

[B]

How many seasons of the show were

[A]

that I did five or six. There were six. I left to do the talk show, and then they did one more season. Season. Did they have the same when they went to college?

[B]

Seven seasons. But you were in the. From the beginning, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wait, how long is seven seasons?

[A]

When Elisa Donna was the last one season. It was only one more season.

[C]

Did they use the same cat? I mean, seven seasons along.

[A]

You know what? That cat renegotiated all the time. And it had so much work done. It was a rabbit by the end of this.

[B]

Was it the same cat for that many years?

[A]

Okay, let me explain.

[B]

Or is it like Snow White 90210

[A]

where they just keep replacing it? Carver and Dutchy, my friends. What's the other one's name? Patrick. And I feel like. Are Carver and Patrick. Do they have, like, natural, like, Butler outfits. What color cats are they?

[B]

One is white. One is like a fat Siamese.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh my God, he's gorgeous.

[A]

He's even mean to cats. That is ridiculous body shape.

[D]

He is a very brave Siamese cat.

[A]

And by the way, how do you think he got fat? Who's feeding him?

[B]

That's the problem, enabler. I'm not feeding him. That's the problem.

[C]

You gotta give your cat some of your peptides.

[B]

You're right.

[D]

Get him tan, tan, and then Carver's orange.

[B]

Like Jameson.

[A]

I took one peptide shot. It was one of the arugulas or one of them. I don't know what they're called. Let me tell you. I didn't know I was prepping for a colonoscopy, but I was like, no, thank you.

[B]

Did you do a GLP one?

[A]

No. Whatever. What's the name of. No, the peptides with the weird names.

[D]

J. G?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

And that gave you diarrhea?

[A]

You know what?

[B]

That shouldn't.

[A]

You are so not Canadian. I said prepping for a colonoscopy and he buzz ran. Diarrhea. Okay,

[B]

well, that's what happens when you prep for colonoscopy.

[D]

She was in seasons one through six.

[A]

She's in the room and she remembers.

[D]

I was reading.

[A]

I'm reading.

[B]

Oh, she doesn't have dementia. Shade.

[D]

I'm used to working with dementia patients.

[B]

It's so funny. You're fact checking our guest and she's right here.

[A]

I know, I should.

[B]

We were how many episodes? Cause she said it was one of the cat.

[C]

Wait a second. Is that a fake cat?

[A]

Oh, my God. You and every child I've ever encountered for 30 years. This is how I said the cat is fake. Listen. It's like a robot.

[D]

It's a puppet.

[A]

This is what we always said. It looked like him. It looked like an alcoholic.

[C]

Hold on a second.

[A]

An alcoholic rabbit with a hairpiece. That's what it looked like. Dubbed into a bad cat.

[C]

My childhood is ruined.

[B]

That looks like a. Oh, you're right. It doesn't look like a real cat.

[C]

No.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, wait, you all knew this? That the cat was fake?

[A]

I, uh.

[B]

Oh, Caroline, Caroline.

[C]

I had no idea.

[A]

I understand.

[C]

I thought it just had some type of seizure or something.

[A]

There was a guy who was Brady Anderson. Somebody fact checked him. Anyway. Brady Anderson. I think he was on the Baltimore Orioles. He was gorgeous baseball player. And we were on the set and I was like, help him. Cause he's a professional athlete and they're not really known for Their acting ability. And so he was going. I was going over the lines with him and it was. That show was set in the 90s. So we had old in the school set phones where you would pick up and put in a quarter, right? So he said, you know what? Excuse me. And he got up and he put a quarter in the phone to make a phone call. And I said, brady, these are prop phones, so they don't work. And he goes, oh, my God, I feel so stupid. And I go, well, don't worry. And then he walked two feet and put a quarter in the next phone. And I was like, again, that's also. I said, brady, we're not really witches and the cat doesn't really talk. But this is how I start all my stand up shows. I go, all of you are too old to ask me if the cat was real. Well, obviously there were six real cats.

[C]

See, I thought it was dubbed.

[A]

No, there were six real cats and one robot.

[C]

Okay, so they all worked together.

[B]

So there were some real cats.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Well, not as a teen, okay.

[B]

Because that threw me off. Because I thought there was a real cat in there.

[D]

I remember it looking like this, but

[A]

then when people ask me, what's the cat reel? I'm like, does your cat drive and speak French? I'm just checking.

[C]

I thought it was a teaser. Adopt it.

[A]

Carver speaks more than likely in its private cat school that he goes to.

[B]

Toby's in school. He's at WAG on Highland. Wag's on Highland. Toby's the dog.

[C]

Oh, that place is beautiful.

[B]

Oh, he loves it.

[C]

I would stay there.

[A]

What is it?

[D]

Waikiki Beach.

[B]

Oh, it's the best place to take your pets.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

He goes. He goes to school four days a week. He plays with his friends. Indoor, outdoor. Waikiki beach is what they call it.

[D]

Oh, wow. They put up a Wagchella. Wagchella festival at Waikiki beach for the kit, for the dogs. Just, like, enjoy the springtime sunshine.

[B]

I love going to, like, a spa. They have like a. I want to

[A]

open a Catholic bar called Bar None.

[B]

What do they do? They also offer, like, supplements and ice cream and all kinds of things.

[D]

Ice cream sundae. Which?

[A]

Supplements and ice cream.

[B]

Oh, it's great. Whatever you want. Whatever you want. Do you have a dog?

[A]

Yes, but she goes hiking every day. I would never send her daycare. She goes hiking? She has a little.

[B]

This is like a spa.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is it a fortune?

[B]

No, it's not that bad. I think it's for the whole month.

[D]

It's like 750amonth.

[B]

750amonth?

[A]

Seriously?

[B]

Yeah. But I can take them every day if I want.

[A]

Wanted. That is good.

[B]

It's a good deal.

[A]

Does he play well with others?

[B]

Yes, he does. What do you.

[A]

What kind of dog is he?

[B]

He's like a retriever. Shepherd. You are touring now. It is your Identify as a Witch tour. You sold. So we're not going to promote Wisconsin because you sold out, but June 5th in Middleton, New York, at the Paramount Theater. Is that correct?

[A]

Yes, it is.

[B]

Okay, so tickets on sale now@caroline rae.com and it's off. R H E A. Did you sell out of Chicago? Cause you're also going to Chicago, Illinois on June 13th.

[A]

June 12th. Oh, June 13th.

[B]

Yes, that's the. Oh, that's a Sabrina Cass reunion. 30 year reunion.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, June 12th. Yeah.

[B]

Yes, that's June 20th.

[C]

Will the cat be there?

[A]

The cat will be there.

[B]

But then in July 3rd, you'll be in Maine.

[A]

Yes, I'll be at Vinegar Hill.

[B]

Okay. Are tickets still available there too?

[A]

There's a couple left there. And it's a really beautiful theater. I love it.

[B]

So go to carolinerae.com okay.

[A]

I have a question.

[B]

Yes?

[A]

Do people and everyone. I find it crazy. Like, my mother always said, never make a personal comment. That was her big thing. Like, never make. Never say something. But when you are a celebrity, and which I always, I always explain that I am the kind of celebrity where fans eventually say to me, I've gotta go, because I'm always worried about them and like, anyway. But people say the most ridiculous, personal things to you. And because they see you on television, they don't realize that you're a person. And it's gonna hurt their feelings. Cause I always get, you know, you're taller, you're thinner, you're fatter, you're prettier, you're not pretty, whatever it is. Right? People always, for some reason, I read very short on television. Everyone's like, I can't believe how tall you are. Anyway, I'm in the elevator and this adorable couple, they're like, oh, my God, we love Sabrina and we love Mom's Got a Date with the Vampire. Can we take a picture? And I go, of course you can. So they hand me the phone, I put it over our heads, and we take a picture. And then as they're. He's getting out of the elevator, he turns to me and says, so you're still acting, which I don't know why it drives it really it drives just.

[B]

Anyway, right?

[A]

So I said to him, I go, yeah, are you guys still having sex? And he. Very macho. He went. He goes, yeah. So I turned to the girl and I go, so you're still acting? I'm so pleased with myself. Anyway, I was very pleased with myself. And they. The guy was like. I was like, never mind.

[C]

People always say weird stuff to us. I think because we're comics.

[B]

We both.

[A]

It's funny.

[C]

Yes. Since you guys called out my fast food addiction. People meet me and they go, you're not as fat as we thought.

[B]

Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis Live every weekday on SiriusXM as well as the Jeff Lewis Channel exclusively on the SiriusXM app.

[A]

You're more than just one thing. You're the boss. Hey, Google, what time is my meeting with Tim today? The athlete that class wrecks me. The ringleader. And we're good and always their mom. Everyone in the all new Mazda CX5 more to move every side of you. Learn [e-mail] Google is a trademark of Google LLC. Sequences shortened and simulated.

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