Heather McMahan & Jackie Schimmel: Unc & Mall Piercings

Summary

Podcast Summary: Jeff Lewis Has Issues

Episode: Heather McMahan & Jackie Schimmel: Unc & Mall Piercings
Date: September 17, 2025
Host: Jeff Lewis
Guests: Heather McMahan, Jackie Schimmel

Episode Overview

This episode delivers a typically no-filter Jeff Lewis experience — chaos, laughs, and brutally honest banter. With comedians Heather McMahan and Jackie Schimmel as guests, the trio discusses the ridiculousness of mall ear piercings, generational slang, marital “weaponized incompetence,” family, and the dark arts of travel and self-care. The conversation is a rollicking mix of personal anecdotes, irreverent humor, cringe confessions, and sharp cultural takes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Mall Piercings and Cat-Clad Piercers

• [01:32] Heather details getting her ears pierced at Claire’s in the Valley with her six-year-old niece — by a piercer dressed as a cat (“furry”). The group riffs on the bizarreness of the experience and possible health risks.
  • Heather: “She was a furry…little like, I don’t know — not like a mitten, but like little cat claw things.” [02:03]
  • Jackie: “I think she’s just, you know, she was…She’s the manager. Obviously, they can’t afford to lose her.” [03:20]
  • They debate aftercare, infection risks, and the economics of Claire’s 14k gold earrings ($109).
• [04:11] Difference between mall piercing spots (Claire’s for any age, Studs with age minimums).

2. New Car Talk and The Trauma of Hybrids

• [05:19] Heather just bought a Range Rover Sport (British racing green / cognac interior), after much consideration.
• [07:09] Jackie rants about issues with her Audi Q5 hybrid, mainly the cost and stress around battery repairs and how unsustainable “sustainable” choices can backfire.
  • Jackie: “If you get a hybrid and the engine — you have any sort of problem with that battery, it’s like twice the price of the car…” [07:39]
  • General agreement: back to gas guzzlers, hybrids and electric cars come with their own drama.

3. Dog Drama and Litigious Jokes

• [09:00] Jackie recounts being bitten four times by one of Jeff’s dogs during a previous visit and the group jokes about suing and infection.
• [10:16] The dog’s health (rotting tooth, questionable vaccinations) is lampooned.

4. Cruises, FOMO, and Best Friend Tension

• [10:43] Heather reminisces about her “absolutely naughty” cruise, a surreal experience where guests honored her as if she were a cult leader.
  • Heather: “Every morning I would stand and I could see out, but they couldn’t see in. And they would raise flags on the side of the ship with my face on it...” [11:09]
• [11:27] Jackie is repeatedly roasted for not attending the cruise, causing “resentment” — fans now accost her at shows, demanding explanations.
  • Jackie: “Every single show, some bitch stands up… ‘How come you wouldn’t go on a cruise, you bitch?’” [12:13]
• [12:42] Heather and Jeff defend Jackie, citing her “deathly fear of birds,” water, and cruise ships.
• [13:39] Brief discussion of true-crime documentaries (the Amy Bradley disappearance) and conspiracy theories prevalent on cruise Facebook groups.

5. Weaponized Incompetence and Parenting Wars

• [21:03] Heather shares how her husband Andrew foisted parenting onto her during her exhausted post-tour state, sparking audience outrage.
  • Jeff: “He woke up and he said, ‘I just think what I need is a little rest.’” [21:41]
  • Heather, exasperated: “If you bring the child as a surprise…then you’re on fucking duty.” [21:39]
  • Jackie summarizes: “Weaponized incompetence: feigned inability to perform a task…so the partner does it.” [24:21]
• [27:35] A listener calls in, recalling when her husband called parenting “babysitting,” airing classic parenting and partnership grievances.
• Jeff repeatedly jokes about “babysitting” his own child.

6. Social Media Collabs, Trolls, and Generational Slang

• [38:02] Heather discusses pharmaceutical ad partnerships on Instagram in the midst of post-surgery swelling, and being trolled mercilessly online.
  • Heather: “They thought I was trans…look at this man in this wig.” [38:17]
• She gets called “Unk” (uncle/uncool), “cheeked up,” and “clapped up” (praise for having a “fat ass”).
  • Jackie, learning in real time: “Clapped up means you got a fat ass.” [40:40]
• The group reflects on enduring online bullying with humor and resignation.

7. Travel, Food, and Airport Survival

• [43:59] Heather talks about her summer trips to Europe (“everyone else in the south goes to the lake, I go to Europe”) [43:59]
  • Heather: “Just give me some jamon, some cava, that’s all I need…On a boat, that’s all I need.” [44:41]
• The group shares airport food hacks (living off Starbucks hard-boiled eggs and Delta Sky Club wine), laments lack of Macaroni Grills, and reminisces about restaurant nostalgia.

8. Slides vs. Flip Flops: A Fat-People Footwear PSA

• [46:27] Heather makes her controversial case that “fat people should not wear slides,” favoring flip-flops for safety (toe-grasp for grip).
  • Heather: “I’m a big girl. We can’t wear slides. You need a thong. Something your fat toes can grip.” [47:04]
• She claims it’s not discrimination, just practical advice to prevent tumbles.
• Jeff worries about his own coordination and contemplates changing his footwear.

9. Kids, Spelling Tests, and Lowered Parental Expectations

• [48:01] Jeff shares parental woes about Monroe’s spelling test attitude (“I’m a personality and a speller!”), her evasiveness, and the generational debate over whether spelling still matters.
  • Heather: “She’s gorgeous and rich. Who cares?” [49:20]
  • Jackie: “We have AI. We have spell check.” [49:19]
• Jeff resigns himself to lower academic expectations (“maybe we start at community college…”) [50:02]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Cat Piercers:
  “When I agreed to get my ears pierced, she was not on the floor. She was probably in her crate and then she came out in her…” — Heather (02:24)

• On Buying 14k Gold Earrings at Claire’s:
  “I will say that I upgraded to the 14 karat gold option.” — Heather (02:39)

• On Hybrids and Regret:
  “If you get a hybrid and the engine — you have any sort of problem with that battery, it’s like twice the price of the car…” — Jackie (07:39)

• On Cruise FOMO:
  “When I made the call to ask Jackie to come on the cruise...I was seated for -- I knew the rejection was coming.” — Heather (12:03)

• On Weaponized Incompetence:
  “Speculative tactic in which an individual feigns inability to perform a specific task by repeatedly doing a poor job…That’s it.” — Heather (24:21)

• On Slide Safety:
  “You need a thong…You need something that your fat toes can grip.” — Heather (47:04)

• On Parenting Expectations:
  “She’s gorgeous and rich. Who cares?” — Heather (49:20)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-----------|----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:32 | Heather’s Claire’s piercing, cat-dressed piercer (mall anecdotes) | | 05:19 | Heather’s new Range Rover — car buying stories | | 07:39 | Jackie hybrid battery horror | | 09:00 | Dog bites, litigious threats over pet wounds | | 10:43 | Heather’s cruise recap, Jackie’s cruise excuse | | 21:03 | Heather’s “weaponized incompetence” marriage story | | 27:35 | Listener call: debate on “babysitting” vs. parenting | | 38:02 | Heather’s Instagram collaborations, trolling, and the word “Unk” | | 43:59 | Europe travel, airport food, and vacation habits | | 46:27 | Slides v flip flops for heavyset people | | 48:01 | Jeff’s daughter and the spelling test “controversy” |

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Conclusion

This episode delivers a hilarious, rapid-fire session of confessions and commentary, equal parts roasting and friendship. Heather and Jackie lean into their quirks—from cat-piercer trauma to marital gripes and generational shade—while Jeff steers the chaos with his signature wit. Honest, irreverent, and highly relatable, it’s a celebration of adult friendship, modern parenting, and the hazards of both slides and hybrids.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

When you're Jeff Lewis. The drama never stops.

[A]

Dog said it was dumb, but maybe I'm dumb because I enjoy it.

[B]

Maybe I'm just talking about the news.

[A]

We don't talk about the news here.

[B]

No, just sex.

[A]

There's gotta be that one actor or actress that nobody likes. Cause we have that here.

[B]

Oh my God. Who is it?

[A]

Me.

[B]

Jeff Lewis has issues.

[A]

Hey, welcome to Jeff Lewis has issues. In Today's episode, Heather McMahon and Jackie Shimmel join the show. We talk about mall piercings, unfamiliar sayings and flip flops. First of all, how are your ears feeling today?

[C]

Not great.

[A]

What happened over the weekend?

[C]

Well, aunt of the year, I went and got my ears pierced at a valley Claire's with my six year old niece. She was nervous. I volunteered. I had to go through with it. They're not feeling great.

[A]

So you did two. So you. It should. The third piercing. Third piercing on each side. Oh God. And you said that a woman dressed as a cat pierced Scherer?

[C]

Yeah, she was a furry.

[A]

No, seriously.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

She had a tail. She had ears.

[C]

She was wearing a collar and little ears and little like, I don't know, not like a mitten, but like little.

[B]

Cat claw things, like a cover, almost like a fingerless glove with fur. I've seen it.

[C]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

But is that a Claire's thing?

[C]

No, no, no.

[B]

I think it's specific to that piercer.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And they let her show up dressed as a cat.

[C]

When I agreed to get my ears pierced, she was not on the floor. She was probably in her crate and then she came out in her.

[B]

Now, do we. Okay, let's give Claire some credit here. Do we think it was actually a bad piercing job or do you think it's because you have the cheap Claire's earrings in?

[C]

I will say that I upgraded to the 14 karat gold option.

[B]

They have that. They do. How much is that running us?

[C]

I think it was like $109.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

For the pair?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's not bad.

[B]

That's not bad.

[C]

Not bad. Love, Claire. Shout out to Claire's Claire. We've done a full 180.

[A]

Okay. But when the girl comes out dressed as a cat, that doesn't give you pause.

[C]

Pause. Lol. I wasn't feeling great about it, but, you know. Do cats have good eyesight? I'm not sure. It was fine.

[A]

Do you think they sell more earrings addressed as a cat? I wonder.

[B]

No, no, I definitely don't think that's good for business. I think she's just, you know, she was. She's the manager. Obviously, they can't afford to lose her. She does a great job. She's probably a phenomenal piercer and you're just being a little bitch.

[C]

Or I have hepatitis. We'll never know.

[B]

Well, we'll know. We'll know when you have hepatitis.

[A]

You've had your ears pierced, obviously twice before.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How does this compare? Because you're in a lot of pain, you say.

[C]

Well, it's just like the headphones are, like, really just pressing in. And I feel like it's just. They're tender. It's a tender lip.

[A]

They look really red. Don't they have it.

[B]

They look very red. And if they're hot, that's the first sign of infection. So, yeah, you might have gotten a little, like, kitty litter dust in there or something. I'm worried.

[C]

I just got my doubles done in June and they did not hurt at all. And they did not like. I wear these every day. They don't hurt.

[A]

Did you go to Claire's in the mall?

[C]

No, definitely not.

[A]

Where did you go?

[C]

It's called Studs in the mall. Right.

[B]

It's not a piercing gun.

[C]

I wanted to go there, but they have an age minimum, so I couldn't go there, so I had to go to Claire's. Meow.

[A]

Oh. So Claire's will do. Like infants. They don't care. They don't give a fuck.

[C]

They don't give one fuck.

[A]

Okay, I see. Well, good luck with that now. So what do you do? Do you just go on antibiotics or something?

[B]

I think you have to do an antibiotic and probably some sort like saline rinse.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Or some ointment.

[A]

Does she have to take them out to do the rinse?

[B]

No. If you take them out, I think you're fucked. Oh, so can I say that on here? Heather?

[C]

Hello? Wait, Good Morning America.

[B]

Panicked. It's so early.

[C]

I just saw her, all the color in her face.

[B]

No. For a second I was like, am I on the Today show? I can't say that.

[C]

What a star.

[B]

I think you have to, like, loosen the back and then rinse it. But you can't take the whole earring out because you take the whole earring out too soon. Right?

[C]

The whole closes up.

[B]

Don't twist it.

[C]

Spray it in the front and the back. Do not twist it because that's going to invite infection to come in. That's what she's.

[A]

I think she's already invited in.

[C]

Oh, it's here. Front row and center. You're gonna have to do this for me in the parking lot.

[B]

I will. I will absolutely give your ears a rinse. I got you.

[A]

I heard that you purchased a brand new vehicle.

[C]

I did.

[A]

Congrats.

[C]

The day after I was here, like a week ago, and we were talking to Jamie Kennedy about getting a car because he has, like this massive sprinter van. That's just not practical. I just, you know, I took it upon myself to get my own new vehicle.

[A]

You got the large Range Rover this time.

[C]

No.

[A]

No. You did Sport.

[C]

I went in thinking that I wanted the big bar.

[A]

I tell you, it's too big.

[C]

And you're so right. I looked at it. I'm like, this feels a little overwhelming in size. So I got the new Sport. It just had a facelift, fully loaded. It has a fridge.

[A]

I was gonna ask you.

[B]

You have a fridge?

[C]

Fridge?

[B]

Are we putting caviar in the fridge?

[C]

No. You know what I have?

[B]

What?

[C]

I have caffeine free Diet Coke in there, which is.

[B]

That is pointless.

[A]

Yes, exactly. Why?

[C]

No, it's so ref. Sometimes in the late afternoon, you just need a pick me up, but I can't take the caffeine.

[A]

Can I ask you with our. Because I have the same fridge. Does it keep it cool when we, like if the car's turned off in the parking lot?

[C]

Up to two hours. Wow.

[A]

How did you find that out?

[C]

Because I asked. Wait, Jackie, I famously remember you saying on your podcast years ago that when you got this Range Rover, this is how you would get away with murder. You would put an ice pick in there and stab them and Then the murder weapon would. Yes, that's exactly correct.

[A]

Well, congratulations.

[B]

We're really happy for you. Thank you.

[A]

Annie, what color did you get?

[C]

It's British racing green.

[A]

Oh, what color interior?

[C]

Like that? Cognac. Two tone.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Like that? Caramelly.

[A]

I don't see that around very often.

[C]

They don't make very many of them. That's why I got it.

[A]

Which dealership did you go to? Keys on Van Nuys.

[C]

No, I went to the Thousand Oaks Range Rover. Shout out. Marissa.

[B]

Oh, we love. We love a female sales car sale.

[A]

We do. Why?

[B]

Because it's no bullshit. You know what it's like to be a woman in a car in a. At a car dealership?

[A]

No, I don't.

[B]

Put a fucking gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. It's awful. It's terrible. It's terrible.

[A]

Oh. So I bet it was so nice working with Marissa.

[C]

It was lovely. They gave me a bottle of vintage Dom in my fridge.

[B]

I'm sorry, what? I will buy the. I will. I need a new car. I will go to the Thousand Oaks Range Rover, we'll do a cross country trip, and then we'll do a cross.

[C]

Country trip, do a simple life drive.

[A]

But you're having trouble with your hybrid.

[B]

I have a hybrid. I have an Audi Q5 hybrid. And you know, I'm on the road so much that I'm never home. So I was like, oh, it's easy. Like, I leased the car at first and then the day before I was supposed to turn in the car, you know, to return the lease, and I was going to buy a new one. My husband sideswiped the car in our garage. So I was like, so we just bought this car and I love it. I love my Audi Q5. I'm zipping, zip, zap, zapping around. But then apparently if you get a hybrid and the engine, you have any sort of problem with that battery, it's like twice the price of the car to fix the car. So my Audi guy was like, yeah, you need to sell this immediately.

[A]

And did you have a problem with the battery or. No. You're just scared you're gonna have a problem with the battery.

[B]

I'm scared. I'm shaking in my boots.

[A]

How much is it? If you.

[B]

It's like. It's like 15 grand. Something crazy.

[C]

That's what you get for being sustainable.

[B]

Exactly. Fuck me. It's so stupid. I'm going to Gas Guzzler. I want a Porsche Cayenne. I'm going. You know what I mean? Turbo, turbo, baby. I want. Yes, that's exactly what I want.

[C]

I used to pretend I wanted a hybrid. Yeah. Just for sport, you know?

[B]

And then you gotta have a special electrician come out and like, do the plugin in your fricking garage. And you're always worried the house is gonna burn down. I'm over it. I'm over it.

[A]

Yeah, you're right. I didn't think about that.

[C]

Terrible.

[A]

Is it a fire hazard?

[C]

Yes. No, it's a plug. It's like plugging in your dryer now.

[A]

I'm sorry about what happened this morning.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You had met Patrick and Paul before?

[B]

Yes, I have.

[A]

And as usual, they p dog on everyone. How many times did it bite you?

[B]

Four times. And I wouldn't even say they pushed Snow White 90210 on me. They actually threw her at me.

[A]

Yes, that's what they do.

[B]

Oh, it's so good to see her. And then she was thrown at my throat.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

With that one tooth out, I was waiting for her to just attack. Yes. I was bit probably four times. I will not sue. I am not a litigious person, but I want you to know they are.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, great. So I'm gonna get sued for defamation. Yeah, yeah. I have witnesses.

[A]

We better get that saline rinse on. Those wounds have infection.

[B]

I have. Yes, I have infection.

[A]

I don't. They don't keep up on shots with that thing. That little rodent.

[C]

No way.

[A]

Look at it. No, I wouldn't spend 60. I mean, the dog's like, you know, it's got days, hours.

[B]

But we love it.

[C]

Yes, we love.

[A]

Not really.

[C]

We love the animals.

[B]

No. And that one tooth is just. Did you get a whiff of it?

[C]

It's not a good. Oh, it's not a good one.

[A]

It's just rotted. It's like the last one.

[B]

Yeah. And that. And when it was coming toward. It all happened in, like, slow mot. When the dog was getting thrown towards my face and the one tooth was out, I could just smell it. And I said, I can't do this. This is the day I die. I can't do it.

[A]

Now I have to thank you because the last time you were here, I was very inspired by your absolutely naughty cruise.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

And so I started looking into cruises, but the problem was you're very limited to their schedule and they were looking out, like, dates at 2027. So we decided to do Chump Con in Vegas.

[B]

And how did that go?

[A]

It went. Thank you so much. It was all because of you.

[B]

Let me tell you what? The cruise. I can't even believe it happened. When I look back, it was like a fever dream. And, of course, Jackie Schemmel didn't come. We'll talk about that later. But it was the wildest thing. Cause I would be in my room. I had this giant suite that overlooked the Lido deck. And every morning I would stand and I could see out, but they couldn't see in. And they would raise flags on the side of the ship with my face on it. And they would play music like, bust down Tatiana. And everybody who worked on the ship would raise a hand.

[A]

Salute to you.

[B]

Salute to me. As my face was being lifted on the sails and my hands were, like, behind my back. One morning, my husband said, you look like Kim Jong Un right now. Like, looking down at my hermit kingdom. I was like, these are my people. We are out to sea going to war.

[A]

Now you brought up something. You know, obviously there's some. A little bit of resentment and tension. Jackie comes on this show and she often talks about you, how you're best friends.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

But I always feel like actions speak louder than words.

[C]

Yeah, I agree.

[A]

She doesn't go to your shows. She doesn't go to your cruise. She doesn't really. She doesn't really show up for you.

[B]

Yeah, I also, you know, my love language is definitely action steps. No, she comes to the shows. But here's the thing. When I made the call, I was seated. When I made the call to ask Jackie to come on the cruise, there was two calls. There was two calls. Yeah. I planted the seed. And then I was seated for. I knew the rejection was coming.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And it's okay. I'm not mad at Jackie. And Jackie's getting harassed at her shows on tour.

[C]

Every single show. I am not joking.

[B]

People are upset with you.

[C]

Every single show, some bitch stands up with a mic and says, why weren't you on your Heather McMahon cruise? Were you going on the next Heather McMahon cruise? How come you wouldn't go on a cruise, you bitch?

[A]

Well, it's because you are constantly saying you're best friends. I'm not a shit with Heather.

[B]

She's afraid of birds.

[A]

She's a fair weather friend.

[B]

She's. No, she's not a fair weather friend. I will stand here and defend that.

[A]

She's a bitch.

[B]

She's a bitch.

[C]

True.

[B]

Will not deny that.

[C]

True.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

A bitch.

[B]

But she's so deathly afraid of birds. And I did not want. Then I didn't want the Heather McMahon cruise to be the Jackie Schimmel. Being attacked by birds and her causing a scene. Cause she falls out and she makes it.

[A]

She'll fall overboard.

[C]

She'll fall overboard and then jump overboard. Are there more birds at sea? Why?

[B]

Actually, guess what? No birds at sea. Maybe one seagull in the distance. You're moving, so who cares?

[C]

I also don't like water.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I don't like cruise ships either.

[C]

I don't like cruise ships.

[A]

I would have done it if I was paid, but I don't want to be on a cruise.

[B]

But here's the thing. When you get on the cruise, it's like camp. It is so much fun. It was the best four days of my life.

[A]

You used to work on a cruise ship.

[C]

They're fun. I did. And actually, birds were the sign that.

[B]

You were close to land.

[C]

So it's a perfect place for you, Jackie. No birds.

[A]

Now, what are the chances that you will survive if you did fall off the ship? Cause it's a pretty far drop, right?

[B]

Probably very slim, I think.

[A]

Slim because you'll die when you hit the water.

[B]

No, you would probably get sucked underneath the boat.

[C]

Oh. Like into the engine.

[B]

Did y' all watch the Amy Bradley documentary on Netflix?

[C]

No, I'm saving that.

[A]

But didn't she survive?

[B]

So here's the thing. I'm not giving anything away, but I'm pretty sure she's still somewhere. So we're doing another cruise in 2027, and all the women in the Facebook group right now for the second cruise are like, we're looking for her. They're like, let's make sure that the route we go on is wherever, what island we think she's on. And it will have, like, 2,000 women searching you. 2,000 white women.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Can get chumps.

[A]

Could find her.

[B]

Absolutely.

[C]

Give them a little rose and let them wild on that island. They will fucking find her.

[A]

Please tell me you watched Unknown Caller High School Catfish.

[B]

I have goosebumps. I listen. And everybody was a little bullied by their mom. That. Don't ruin it.

[C]

Shut up. Let's find out. It's been a week. It's been a week. Yeah, it's been a week.

[B]

But when they reveal.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I screamed.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Like what?

[A]

Especially those nasty, dirty things she was saying to her. Sorry.

[C]

Like coming from her with that overbite.

[A]

Get out of here.

[B]

I know. Yeah. A woman that unattractive cannot be your online bully.

[C]

No way.

[A]

No way you write that big overbite.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

It was like a bulldog. Yeah, it was a bad, bad Overbite.

[C]

And when she kind of like flippantly starts like laughing at the nature of the text, like, I'm like, lock her up.

[B]

Lock her jail. Immediately.

[C]

Immediately. And poor. What's the. What's the girl's name? Lindsay. What's the girl bully? The girl that gets bullied.

[A]

I think it might have been Lindsay. What's her name?

[C]

Lindsay. Lauren.

[A]

She was so sweet.

[C]

Yeah, but a little dump. Disconnected something. Right.

[B]

But still wants a relationship with her mom.

[A]

That's a. I know.

[C]

That's trauma.

[B]

That is trauma. It's a wrap.

[C]

But it's her mom, right? Or. Or do you think it's more of.

[B]

Like the way people defend their captors?

[A]

What's her name again?

[C]

She looks like a Lindsay.

[A]

The boyfriend was nice too.

[B]

The boyfriend was nice.

[C]

But God bless Owen.

[B]

Oh yeah, God bless him.

[A]

Oh, you remember Owen.

[C]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

Lauren.

[C]

Lauren.

[A]

Lauren. You were close.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

They were such a cute couple.

[C]

Yeah, so they were such a shame. So many lowlights on that show.

[A]

Now the Amy Bradley, is that just as compelling?

[B]

It's more compelling. Well, is it in a different way? Because she's still out there, right? Like Amy Bradley is still out there and they think.

[A]

Unless she drowned.

[B]

Unless you. I don't think she drowned. And people have been fighting with me on Tick Tock about it. I think she is out there. I think she's on an island. I think she might be in Curacao, maybe Grenada.

[A]

But how'd they get her off the shelf?

[B]

Ship. She got off the ship. She was. Oh yeah, she got off the ship and could have been trafficked. There could have been some human trafficking there. But it is really wild. But I also that like you, you watch the documentary and I also feel like I. It felt like the parents weren't doing enough. I don't. The whole thing is bizarre, but I think she's out there.

[A]

Oh, Nary line too. Nary called last week and you were very angry with us. Nary, is that true?

[D]

Oh, no, I actually, I wasn't. I just was making a suggestion and I didn't. I wasn't aware that, you know, some. I mean, Jameson and Oscar got a bit upset with me afterwards.

[A]

Well, let's let me run it by Heather and see what she thinks about the whole thing.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So Nary called and she believed.

[C]

But first of all, we didn't start strong. A lot of times the callers, they'll say shout out, Shane. And I'll say shout out to them back. And I like to shorten their names. It's Kind of my bit. So I said, shout out, Nair. And she said, first of all, it's nary.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Good morning.

[A]

But I don't like Nair either. I prefer nary. So you.

[C]

That's not the joke. I'm sorry.

[A]

So then basically, Nair was upset because she's at work and calling from work. She thinks that we should get to her call sooner because she's at work. But I was explaining to Nair that everyone else is also at work.

[B]

We're at work right now.

[C]

Yeah, Right.

[B]

But her suggestion was, you should make.

[C]

Note of everyone who's at work and.

[B]

Possibly take their calls sooner.

[C]

That doesn't feel like a burden that you should carry. I mean, lovingly tell your boss you.

[B]

Have diarrhea and, like, take 30 minutes. What do you want? That's insane.

[A]

Well, let's listen. Let's hear her out here.

[C]

All right. And here she is. Welcome to the show, Nair.

[D]

Well, thanks. Well, just like after, you know, after we got off the call, I stopped listening because I had to get back to work.

[A]

Right.

[D]

And then later on, I listened, and then I realized how upset, you know, like, Jameson was. Because first of all, he used the word audacious, which I never heard before, so I had to look that up. What even meant by that?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And I was like, oh, my God. Like, I had no idea. That was not my tensions. But then again, I'm like, you guys work for Jeff Lewis.

[A]

Yeah. He gets triggered pretty easily, you know? Yeah, he's very oversensitive.

[D]

Yes. But it's okay because I wrote him a DM afterwards, personally. I found him on Insta and wrote him a dm apologizing. That was not what I wanted.

[A]

You never told us that. Why didn't you do that? Why didn't you tell her? She apologized to you.

[C]

He wants us to hate you, man.

[A]

He wants to play victim. He wants to play victim.

[B]

You're getting gaslit right now.

[A]

Well, I'm glad. So.

[D]

So anyways.

[A]

So why are you. Oh, so I'm just curious. So you're calling to apologize to Jameson or. Because we don't care.

[D]

Amos Jameson. Oscar and everybody else was listening to. I really didn't mean to come. Didn't mean to come off like, you know, bitchy in a way.

[C]

What's wrong with that?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I didn't mind it.

[D]

Well, I know, but still, I mean, I just. Like I said, I mean, like now, I just stepped out from work. I told him I'm in my doctor's office after a doctor's appointment, so I can be on hold for two hours if you guys wanted me to. It's okay.

[C]

So sweet.

[A]

So you told your boss that you had a doctor's appointment, but you don't.

[D]

No, actually, I'm not. Yeah. If you want me put on hold for an hour, that's.

[A]

No, I don't want to do that. So did you do that so you could just. So you could call in today, or do you have other things you're doing outside of work?

[D]

No, just to call in today and you guys got busy and couldn't take the call right away? I would be okay with that.

[A]

All right, so I appreciate that you told your boss you're at a doctor's appointment, which you're not, just so you could call in and clarify things and apologize. I think that takes a big person.

[B]

I really do, too. I think there's a growth there.

[C]

Sounds to me like we trained our environment. Wow.

[B]

Oh, look at. Okay. Scientist.

[C]

He's proud of himself.

[A]

Oh, no. Cause he's right. He likes to be right.

[C]

Yeah, he's got a glimmer in those eyes.

[A]

Look at him.

[C]

Nair and I are all good. We're cool.

[B]

Looks like we trained our environment.

[C]

Chills.

[B]

That's a sociopath. Are you kidding me?

[C]

I'm just saying, when I text my daughter that she has a flat ass, it's. Cause she does.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Okay, well, thank you for calling, Nair. Really appreciate it.

[D]

You're welcome.

[A]

That's a committed chump.

[C]

I know.

[A]

I know.

[C]

She has two hours. She can go to brunch. She can hang out. She can just take off her whole day.

[A]

I think more chumps should lie and say they have doctor's appointments.

[B]

I fully agree. I think you're not. And listen, committed or dedicated, unless you're. You're actively losing money at work for this.

[A]

Speaking. Last time you were here. Oh, my God. Did your husband get a lot of hate?

[C]

Oh, I know.

[A]

I got so. Why are you laughing?

[C]

I loved it.

[B]

Not my sweet Andrew. What happened?

[A]

Oh, Heather.

[C]

I didn't tell you this.

[A]

Heather, it's really. Because you guys are best friends. I thought. I thought it would be something that you would tell her.

[C]

No. I buried it deep in my traumas. So on the last 24 hours of my tour, okay. Andrew surprised me and brought Clyde. Right.

[B]

I saw Clyde just getting all the fame on stage.

[C]

Yeah. Shaking his tits. Okay. And he moved my flight.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

So that we could spend the day in Dallas and wouldn't have to, like, because I was rushing out early to get back to do the Thing. Okay, so moves our flight. There's no business class flights available. Whatever.

[B]

Fine.

[C]

I'll get over it. It's two hours. The next morning after the show, he wakes up feeling a little body ache, Y saying that he needs rest. Rest. When the previous night I had said, you know what? I need to rot tomorrow. Like, if you bring the child as a surprise when that was not part of the plan, then you're on fucking duty. Then he woke up and he said, I just think what I need is a little rest.

[A]

So she had to take Clyde to the park in Dallas at 140 degrees for four hours.

[C]

And she had done three shows in 24 hours.

[A]

She was exhausted. All she wanted to do is sleep.

[B]

See, this is why I don't have kids yet.

[C]

No, totally, I don't.

[B]

Because the way I work and. And you know, Jackie only does four shows and an entire tour.

[C]

I know. That's why we don't talk about the tour.

[B]

Talk about the tour.

[A]

It's gonna get worse, by the way.

[B]

I know.

[A]

She's gonna. No, no, she's gonna tell you it gets worse.

[C]

Wait, so you're.

[B]

So you're at the park?

[C]

So I'm at the park.

[B]

You're sweating.

[C]

Sweating the duty.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm like, your hair must have looked terrible.

[C]

Disgusting, sweaty, Gross, terrible. So then I was able to secure at least an exit row with no seat in front of me. Okay, but you can't sit there when you have a kid. So I had jokingly been like, see you, like, not, you know, whatever. So Andrew and Clyde are like 85 rows back, right? All of a sudden, I get a tap, tap, tap on the shoulder, and someone says, hi, your husband said that I'm gonna switch seats with you. He asked if I'd switch with you. So Andrew had volunteered me to go sit in row 87 next to him, who's fluish, right?

[A]

Take care of the baby the whole time.

[C]

And then we got home that night, and he's like, persian food sounds good. And I'm like this.

[B]

I will kill you. I will kill you.

[C]

Yeah, kill.

[B]

I will kill you. They called it weaponized incompetence, I think is what they call it.

[C]

Ooh, love that.

[B]

That's the. As a scientist, that's the scientific friend.

[C]

Jameson.

[B]

As a sociopath, I think it's weaponized incompetence.

[C]

Is that crazy?

[B]

That's insane.

[C]

I know. I couldn't believe it. Like, we just got over it.

[A]

I was gonna say I'm still getting messages about it. I know so many moms were triggered.

[C]

I know. I showed him all of that.

[A]

And I should send him the ones I got.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And again.

[C]

What? Like, I'm like, don't. Don't even. Don't even.

[B]

And he'll say, I was trying to surprise you with your pride. Enjoy your baby. You're like, mom's been shaking her tits for cash. I wanna ice my feet. I wanna have a little champagne, maybe a caviar and a nice French fry.

[A]

Maybe some of that Dom that's in the refrigerator in the Range Rover, Period.

[B]

Exactly. And now I've gotta fucking feed a baby now. Are you outta your mind?

[C]

I'm at a park. I hate parks.

[A]

It's so hot in Dallas and humid.

[C]

And the birds at. Oh, my God, there were so many birds at the park.

[B]

No. Does Clyde like the birds or does he? Did he also.

[C]

No, he likes them.

[A]

I can't imagine. You were there for four hours. I start sweating from the five minute walk from the Uber to the restaurant.

[C]

It's so sweltering. So sweltering.

[A]

I don't know how you did it.

[C]

I know. I'm a.

[A]

You're a martyr.

[C]

I'm a brave beacon of maternal instincts.

[B]

You really are.

[A]

What's going on with the weaponing?

[C]

It's actually weaponized incompetence.

[B]

What did I say?

[A]

Competence.

[C]

It's okay. You were close.

[B]

You were close.

[C]

Speculative tactic in which an individual feigns inability to perform a specific task by repeatedly doing a poor job or claiming ignorance. That's it.

[B]

You nailed it.

[C]

Okay, that's like so many.

[A]

I'm more confused now.

[B]

Yeah, you do. Wait, I thought I said incompetence.

[A]

Yeah, I don't even know. Can you.

[B]

I said incontinence.

[A]

It means, like, can somebody explain that?

[C]

It would be like you being like, hey, Jameson, can you clean this off? And I just do a poor job of it over and over. Yeah.

[B]

And then you're like, I'll just do it myself.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Kind of like that. Purposely doing a bad job at, like, parenting in order for Jackie to come and step in.

[C]

See, that's what I do 97% of the time.

[A]

So now you're like, you do, like, legitimate tours, not, like, Not Jackie Chamble tours. Right.

[B]

I don't dim the lights. They're fully on.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

High wattage.

[A]

What's so crazy is that all she's done is how many cities did you go to? Real?

[B]

You did 8, 10.

[C]

I did 9.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

And how many do you do?

[B]

Like, 110.

[C]

Totally.

[A]

It acts like she's done 900 ships.

[C]

Remember?

[A]

When I comes in and complains, Heather, she complains. She's exhausted and she's only done nine.

[B]

And that's why I love her. And that's. That's the one thing we really fight about. She's like, you're doing too much. I'm like, and you're not doing enough. How do we find the happy medium? But the number one most requested thing I'm getting at my meet and greets right now after the show is, when are you and Jackie gonna go on tour together? And I was like, we won't make any money because Jackie will only agree to two and a half shows, and then we'll have to start.

[A]

And she's gonna want first class.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

She's gonna want a suite.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

All of that.

[B]

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not splitting the money with Jackie.

[A]

Courtney is mad I won't do enough. Jackie. But she's actually should be mad at you, so. Courtney, San Diego, line one.

[D]

Jackie.

[A]

It's not Jackie.

[C]

It wasn't me.

[A]

It was Heather.

[C]

It was Heather.

[D]

Was it Heather?

[A]

Heather.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[D]

I like Heather. But still, girl, my chores all day. That was my plan for my day.

[A]

Off, was to watch the docu, and you spoiled it for her.

[B]

I didn't mean to spoil it, but here's how social media works, okay? Everybody's been talking about it. It's been out for two weeks.

[A]

We haven't told anyone.

[B]

Well, I'm sorry.

[A]

Girl.

[D]

I'm on social media more than anyone. I haven't seen anyone else ruin it until this morning.

[B]

Are you on Tik Tok or just Instagram?

[D]

No, girl, I'm on everything.

[B]

Okay, well, I don't know what to tell you. Courtney. Courtney. All right, Courtney.

[A]

It's still a great docu after this.

[D]

After the stunt that Andy pulled this morning on Howard, it's all too much today. I'm gonna light a joint and just enjoy my morning.

[A]

All right? Thanks, Courtney. Tanya in California. Here they go. The moms are triggered again.

[C]

I know.

[A]

Sorry, Tanya, to bring it up.

[D]

Good morning. Good morning, guys. How are you? Good, good, good. Okay. And I have. Before I forget, so don't cut me off, because I have to ask you another question about the Boo Boo Jeff. But, Jackie, I. So my husband and I have been together 29 years. We have parents for 21 years. So after you told this whole story, the first, the last time you were on, I told him that. He's just shaking his head the whole time. Just Completely agreeing with you. And how wrong it was.

[C]

So wrong.

[D]

But after I told him this, I remembered there was a time when he was a probably similar age father. You know, our son was under two and he actually. We got an argument one day and he used the term babysitting as a father to me. And I was like, it's not babysitting. You are his father. Like, you can't ever call it babysitting.

[C]

I call it.

[A]

I babysat this weekend.

[D]

It's parenting.

[A]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I use that term a lot.

[C]

Yeah, I do too.

[D]

But it was one and only. He did it once and I called him out and it never, ever happened again. And now, in all his 21 years of experience as a father, now he completely agreed with you on this, Jackie, that it was completely wrong what Andrew did.

[A]

Let me ask you, Tonya, though. If you have nannies and they're spending a little bit more time with the baby, and then you take over for the nanny, isn't that baby sex sitting?

[B]

I would still say it's parenting. I would still say you're the parents, but again, I'm childless over here.

[D]

So that nanny walks off the job. You know, you.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Like the nanny does.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Yet the nanny leaves a baby at the grove. You gotta jump in.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

Thank you, Tanya.

[D]

Exactly. Jeff, though. Jeff, are you there still?

[A]

Oh, yes, sorry. Yes.

[D]

That's okay. Okay. I don't know and I apologize. I missed the first 20 minutes of the show. Have you heard about the Labubu thing on South Park? The episode from last week? Have you watched it?

[A]

I have not watched it, but people keep telling me about it.

[C]

They keep sending it.

[B]

Yeah, but I haven't watched it.

[A]

We haven't watched it, but there's a new series coming out. A new Labubu series coming out.

[C]

Oh, cute.

[A]

It's called the Alphabet. I think so. God, I hope I don't have to buy them all.

[C]

Oh, you're good. Oh, yeah.

[A]

The new series we're starting with the end, M for Monroe.

[C]

Oh, that makes sense.

[A]

Yeah. Sorry. Thank you so much for calling. I do wanna quickly promote the Heather McMahon Bamboozled Tour. It's more than nine shows.

[C]

Sure is.

[A]

So just September and October alone. You've got September 19th in Milwaukee. You have September 20th in Minneapolis. October 3rd in Seattle, Washington. October 9th, you're in Tampa. But then the most important show, which I think. Are you and I going?

[C]

We are going. And I.

[A]

Are you sure? Cause I don't believe you.

[C]

I have been.

[B]

She's been to every show.

[C]

To every show in la. No, I've traveled.

[B]

She's traveled.

[C]

I've traveled.

[B]

Yes. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, she came to Radio City. Yeah.

[C]

I was pregnant and I flew to Nashville.

[A]

Okay. November, November 1st here. It's a big show. November 1st here. Los Angeles Orpheum Theater. Are we getting some comps or do I.

[B]

No, I'll give you comps. I will give you comps. You know what's actually so frustrating? Whenever I perform in Atlanta, I perform at the Fox Box Theater. I shot my last special there. It's like a huge theater. I had to tell, like, when I'm doing my hometown shows, it's the hardest show because people literally there are people going up to the box office being like, I went to elementary with Heather. She said she promised me 20 free tickets. No, I, I was out like 200 comps.

[A]

I'll buy tickets. You know what, I'll buy tickets.

[B]

Show. No, no, I will give you all.

[A]

No, here's the problem. Comp Jackie, because she's your best friend working the merch. My problem is I'm gonna have end up, I'm gonna end up bringing like eight chumps. So I'm gonna have to buy tickets. Can we look at that today? So we're gonna go on tour dot com?

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Why?

[A]

Why not Heather McMahon dot com?

[B]

Because no one knows how to spell McMahon and they don't know how to pronounce it. So just heather on tour.com Easy, easy. People are stupid. Make it easy.

[A]

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[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What happened?

[C]

So. So we. Clyde's molars came in last week, so we didn't sleep great because he was just waking up and he was like, fever, whatever. So after the tooth broke through, I was really excited to have, like, a beautiful siesta.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I popped two unisom. I was laid out, like, in a very deep sleep. And I kept saying to Andrew, I'm like, all I need is rest, just like you in Dallas. Okay? And at about 1:29am as I'm entering, like, a deep REM cycle, he poultry guys up from the bed, all of his limbs flailing, and goes. And I'm like. I thought he had projectiled all over the bed. Which, as you know, I.

[B]

Right.

[C]

We don't do that. We don't do that. And I'm like. I wake up, my heart is, like, beating out of my chest. Adrenaline through the roof. I'm like, what happened?

[B]

Are you okay?

[C]

Did you get sick? And he goes, sorry, I. I hate him so much. He goes, sorry, I just choked on a little spit.

[A]

No.

[C]

And then lays his back down and immediately goes back to sleep. And I am now on to unisom. Seeing aliens. Never went back to sleep.

[B]

I just.

[C]

I can't.

[B]

I say this all the time that women suffer in silence, and men don't know how to do that. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I have crippling cramps, diarrhea, or I'm vomiting, I will sneak out of the room. I'll go to the guest bedroom, and I will do what I have to do and then come back and slither into bed quietly. My husband's the same way. I know he gets a tickle in the throat, right? Like he gets anything. He get wake. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, God.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Gripping lights on.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

And you're like, are you okay? The drama, then I'm in fight or flight. I'm not going back to bed. And then he'll do what he has to do, you know, and then just be out like a light. And it's not fair. Suffer in silence.

[C]

Suffer in silence.

[A]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with him.

[B]

I know when I see Andrew this week, I'm gonna punch him in the dick.

[C]

You should.

[B]

I will.

[C]

Please do.

[A]

Was that the night that you got locked out of your phone when you were on un?

[C]

Yes. So the next morning I was so out of it that I got locked in my phone for 30 minutes because I couldn't remember my past.

[B]

Yeah, Kelly, that's the kind of unisom I like to be on.

[A]

Didn't you have the in law staying with you?

[C]

No, they're both dead, so that would be difficult.

[A]

Oh, Keon, I thought you told me that the in laws were. Oh, is that you?

[B]

What?

[C]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

What?

[C]

My sister in law was in town.

[A]

Got it.

[C]

Right, right, right. Different. She's alive. She's alive. She's wet. I went with her daughter to get my ears pierced. At Claire's. Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You've been liking them that they're staying with you.

[C]

They actually didn't stay with us this time.

[A]

Oh good.

[C]

I don't mind when she stays with me.

[A]

You like her?

[C]

I love her. It's when they have three children, when there's four children in the house. I don't love that. Cause I feel like I live in a Chuck E. Cheese and it's not a child friendly home. Lots of sharp corners, lots of porch, lots of marble. So much marble.

[B]

So much marble.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I noticed you've been doing a lot of collaborations on your Instagram.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

One was for an allergy medication.

[B]

Yep. Uh huh.

[A]

How did that work out?

[B]

It didn't work out great. I was about seven days out of my second neck job, so my face looked like. I look like Quagmire from.

[A]

Wait, you got your neck done?

[B]

Yeah, I got my neck done, but I.

[A]

That's why you look so good.

[B]

Oh, thank you. But I had to have a revision because it just. We went a little too conservative on the first round. So then I. So I had to shoot this stuff and like, you know, these brands don't wait. And I was maybe six or seven days a post op and I was so swollen and my face like dropped like every day at like 11am my face would just drop and my jaw would get very square and I had to shoot all these ads and I tried to cover it up with my hair and it wasn't working. So then the brand reposted them on TikTok and the young kids on TikTok just kept calling. They thought, they thought I was trans. I don't know, I was getting a lot of really mean comments like, look at this man in this wig. And I was like, I look at It. I'm like, yeah, my jaw was very, very angular. And yeah, I was getting bullied on the Internet really bad to the point where I called my agents. I was like, I can't handle this anymore. Please stop. Yes. Yes.

[C]

Oh, that's. By the way, I feel like that neck is looking nice.

[B]

It's fine. I'm very similar.

[A]

It is a bit square.

[C]

It is square.

[B]

And I am very swollen post surgery. And also, like, you're doing a pharmaceutical ad. They're cheesy, right? It is what it is. They're very cheesy. You have to. You have a lot of very specific things you have to say. But man. And then I started getting DMs. People started calling me Unk. And I thought that was like, uncle. Yeah. But apparently it's uncool. They were like, wow, she's so Unk. That's also old. And I literally said. I was like, you know what? Fuck you guys, because I'm seriously, I'm cashing checks and going on vacation. I don't even know.

[C]

What are you doing? They don't build statues of cynics.

[A]

I do have a question, though. Can I have. Can I see that again? Okay, so you looks to be a beautiful foyer. Right? And this staircase, a gorgeous staircase behind you. But you didn't bother moving the dog crate out of the way.

[B]

No, that's in the commercial.

[A]

Oh, no wonder. No, no, no.

[B]

We had to put the dark dog crate there for the ad.

[C]

It's a problem.

[B]

It's a problem. Pet allergies.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

Yep. See?

[A]

Okay, so they call you.

[C]

Oh, that's.

[B]

Okay. So wait, that shot, though, the first shot. Here are two French bulldog, a full time job. They're at camp today, so mama can get five seconds to herself. Am I constantly cleaning up dog fur? Yes. And am I constantly wiping up behind them? Yes. You know what? Absolutely yes to Zyrtec. Available on Amazon.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

That's so Unk.

[B]

It's so Unk.

[A]

It's so Unk. Yeah, I get it.

[B]

So I couldn't tell if people were calling me a man or uncool. And either. Honestly, at this point, I'll take it all.

[A]

But they were also calling you. Checked up and clapped up.

[B]

Clacked up. Cheeked up. Cheeked up. So I was getting a lot of nice positive.

[A]

What does that mean?

[B]

Cheeked up. Clapped up means you got a fat ass.

[C]

Fat ass.

[A]

Oh, say they liked your ass.

[B]

They liked that ass.

[A]

So when you bent over to get that thing out of the dog crate.

[B]

I was cheeked up. Clapped up.

[A]

Okay, there's a bright side.

[B]

But I did have to Google. I was like. I felt like an elder millennial being like, what is cheeked up? Clapped up.

[C]

Never heard that in my life.

[A]

Yeah, but then they also called you a man.

[B]

They also called me man. And I'll get that sometimes. And I don't. I keep getting prank texts. Like last night I literally got a prank text, unknown number. Somebody said, I feel like your wig smells nasty and your pussy smells nasty too. And I just responded.

[C]

You're not wrong, Heather. That was me.

[B]

Sorry. I literally think it's gotta be either from a Google number. I get a new text every day that's something insane, and I always respond.

[A]

That sounds like one of the texts in the Catfish.

[C]

Totally.

[A]

Maybe it's her.

[C]

It's Lauren's mom.

[B]

Yeah, it's Jack. Lauren's mom.

[C]

J. AKA me. Yeah. Live from my living room. Yeah.

[A]

Now is it also true? So it looks like you're back to your hot girl walks with weighted vests.

[B]

I'm doing the weighted vests. I'm doing all the things.

[A]

The waist trainer, the ankle weights.

[B]

Yeah, we're trying to keep the cortisol low and I can't get back to like the old soul cycle days and the CrossFit, all that shit. So I'm wearing so much gear to just do the basic walking.

[A]

And then. How long do you. How long do you walk for?

[B]

I walk for like an hour.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

That's great.

[C]

That is.

[A]

I thought you were gonna say like down the street Valley. No, no, no.

[B]

I'm wheeling and dealing. I'm rolling calls. I got my headphones on, I'm making business deals.

[A]

But are you heavy breathing when you're.

[B]

Oh, absolutely. I am deeply.

[A]

Because I try not to call people when I'm walking.

[B]

No, I want to yap. I can't listen to a podcast. I can't listen to anything. I have to be yapping. I have to be like moving and grooving. Uh huh. I do my best work on the go.

[A]

Okay. I'm a go.

[C]

Go girl.

[B]

I'm a go.

[A]

How often are you walking?

[B]

I try and walk like every day, but I'm on. I'm in so many fucking airports. I really don't take care of myself. I'm an all or nothing. I'm either full force. Like I'm home for two weeks and that's all I'm doing is working out, or I. It won't work out for like four months.

[A]

But when you're in the airport, there's a lot of like, there's Fridays, there's. I mean, are all those very tempting?

[B]

No, none of that's tempting. Chili's. I live off boiled eggs from hard boiled eggs from Starbucks. No, when you live or like from the Delta Sky Club, I live off white wine and hard boiled eggs from Delta Sky Club. The amount I'm in airports, nothing about airports intrigues me. I don't want to go to a Chili's. I don't want to do any of it. I'm just like, get me on the flight. Give me a drink. Let's go.

[C]

I saw a macaroni grill at the Chicago airport. Oh my God. And that rosemary bread, it took everything.

[A]

I love macaroni gr.

[C]

I haven't been in so long.

[B]

Macaroni grill. You could draw on the table and.

[C]

The honor system for the wine, the jug of wine. I used to love that. What is the honor system for a jug of wine? They used to just leave jugs of wine on the table and then at the end of the meal they would say, how many glasses of wine did you have? And you could say, one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you gonna be bright red?

[C]

And I'd be like, one.

[B]

And you could have like unlimited supply of like penne rustica. And it was fantastic.

[C]

I used to go with a fake ID to macaroni grill.

[B]

Macaroni grill really thrived when like sun dried tomatoes were. You know, when sun dried tomatoes were hot. Everything on the macaroni grill menu had a sun dried tomato in it. And it was fantastic.

[C]

Best chicken marsala you'll ever have. Oh my God, it's so good.

[A]

Where's there? I mean, we're going to be in a lot of different airports.

[C]

Any in California? Like, I haven't seen one in 15 years. It's very sad.

[B]

Very sad.

[A]

Now you just, I mean, you just went to Europe, correct?

[B]

I just went to Europe, yep. I Spain. I went to Portugal. I was living my best life. I like to go to Europe every summer. You know, everybody in the south has a lake house and that's where they spend their money. Like, come on down to the lake. I'm not doing the lake. I could take the same amount of money and just go to Europe for two weeks.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But did you have acid reflux?

[B]

I had acid reflux the whole time. It was. Why it was crippling because I got back on Ozempic and it really just crippled me. I don't know why you go on vacation and then think you're going to take a GLP one. I had the worst acid reflux of my life.

[A]

Because you ate on it?

[B]

Yeah, because I ate, I drank, I had vacation cigarettes, you know, all. So I learned my lesson. Don't. Don't take your GLP ones.

[A]

When you're on your vacation. When you're vacationing and you rented a boat.

[B]

We rented a boat. We did two boat days. Boat day is the best day. So I went out on the, you know, in Mallorca. We went out on the water. I just like to be on a boat. That's what I like to do. Just give me some jamon, some cava, that's all I need. Some loose deli meat and some sparkling wine. On a boat. That's all I need.

[A]

Someone had called. It looks like they hung up. But they said that Amy Bradley is alive and that you're wrong. I mean dead. And you're wrong.

[B]

Well, everybody has a theory. They, a lot of them think that she jumped. I don't think she jumped because her cigarettes, she still had her cigarettes in her pocket. If you're going to jump, you're leaving your cigarettes behind for sure. Or at least I think I could be wrong. I don't know. I was on a weed gummy when I watched it, so I don't even know.

[A]

So if I would, I. Would you think to take your cigarette? I mean why, why do you need to empty your pockets like, you know what I'm saying? Why would you think to empty or leave your cigarettes?

[B]

Well, you wouldn't put, you wouldn't take them with you when you jumped, you know what I mean?

[A]

But if they were already in your pocket, like are you.

[B]

No, no, she was sit her balcony smoking a cigarette and then she put him back in her pocket. Cuz she left. She was going to go party some more. That's what I'm saying. You wouldn't put all your stuff in your back in your pockets if you were going to jump, right? Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You'd leave it out on the table. You'd be smoking a cigarette and be.

[C]

Like, oh, I'm going to go jump. Jumping.

[A]

Okay, I'm going to have to watch that.

[B]

But you really should watch it because it's super interesting. Basically she goes missing on this island and they, they dock in Curacao one day and then the parents, and I'm not blaming the parents by any means because this is like, you know, you don't know what's happening. And she was an adult, she was 21, so it's not like, you know, they could hold her against her will, but the parents got back on the boat. I'm like, if my kid was possibly missing on the island, I would divide and conquer. One parent would be on the island.

[C]

They wanted to finish out their cruise.

[B]

Well, they were just searching for her.

[A]

Unless you're Jackie.

[B]

Unless you're Jackie.

[C]

Bye. He'll turn up. See you later.

[A]

Heather, I did want you to elaborate on something that you had said.

[B]

I'm so nervous now.

[A]

You said that fat people should not wear slides and they should only wear flip flops. Can you explain that to me?

[B]

Yes. I mean, I'm a larger gal, and I have seen too many Scarlets taking a tumble. I don't know if you remember that classic video from YouTube back in the day. So I was pulling up to the theater for my show at the Orpheum in Memphis, and there was a large woman who went down. Okay. She's down in front of the Hyatt, and she's on her. And I can just see that she had been wearing one of those, like, Adidas slides.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I was like, scarlet took a tumble. I'm a big girl. We can't wear slides. You need a thong. You need something that your fat toes can grip. You know, there's too many heavyset people out there. Just walk around in these loose shoes. And I think you need a sustainable, real sensible shoe.

[A]

It's a safety hazard.

[B]

It's a safety hazard. Like, everybody loves the Hermes little slides that are leather. A leather slide. You are asking to eat ass in in Mallorca.

[C]

I'm asking to eat ass, period.

[A]

So I have a nice leather Gucci slide. Should I switch to flip flops?

[B]

No, you're okay, because.

[A]

Are you sure? Because I'm heavy.

[B]

No, you're not heavy at all. No, you're.

[A]

I'm Uncle Uncoordinated.

[B]

Well, then if you're uncoordinated, then that's the same thing. Okay, then you absolutely need a nice thong or a. Or a loafer.

[A]

I'm gonna end up on my back in front of the Hyatt.

[C]

Yes, you are.

[B]

It's not against fat people because I'm a large gal.

[C]

It's against Hyatt.

[B]

It's against Hyatts, and we would like.

[A]

I don't like Marriotts either.

[C]

I don't either.

[B]

Oh, I do. I'm a Bon Boy girl, so shut up. I'm trying to get that. Trying to get that ad.

[A]

Well, you did so well with the allergy ad. Sure. It's a sure thing.

[C]

They'll be knocking down your Jordan. Yeah. Oh, man.

[A]

Now I can't wait for Clyde to get a little older when he has homework. And you start to get excuses because on Friday morning, when I woke up, Monroe, she's like, oh, I have a test today. I said, what? I didn't know about a test. What kind of test? She goes, spelling test. And I said, well, are you prepared? I didn't know anything about this. She goes, yeah, I know. I know the words. I'm a personality and a speller. And I said, okay, well, are you doing spelling tests every week now? She goes, yeah. I go, so you've already had one. She goes, yeah, I miss stick, but I know how to spell it now. I said, good. I said, well, you know what? I think we should probably bring the words home. We should probably work on what? She goes, daddy, look, everybody wants to get the words right. It's not a big deal if you don't.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And I'm like. I'm like. I think it is kind of a big deal. I think it is a big deal if you don't.

[B]

I love her. She's bullshitting. I love her.

[C]

I love her.

[A]

She's gaslighting me. And I said, I want to know how you do on today's test. When do you get it back? I don't know. Sometime next week.

[C]

Oh, my God. She's like Cher Horowitz. Clueless.

[A]

And it's just convenient that she'll be at her other daddy's house when she gets the results back.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know. Sometime next week.

[C]

I agree with her. Like, big whoop.

[B]

Big whoop. Also, the kids don't need to know how to spell.

[A]

Well, I think they do.

[B]

No, we have AI. We have spell check.

[A]

It's good to learn.

[C]

She's gorgeous and rich. Who cares?

[B]

Who cares? Cares. You think she's going to be writing?

[C]

No.

[A]

I hope so. I hope she reads and writes.

[B]

No, unnecessary. So unnecessary.

[C]

Someone else can write her book.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

I don't know. My dad used to make me bring home those words and I have to write them a hundred times each. But then I. But I aced every test, so I feel like I need to do that.

[C]

You did.

[A]

But she's hiding. Yes, I did, asshole. But I feel like she's hiding it from me. Street smarts, but, you know, it doesn't matter if you'd get them wrong.

[B]

What do you. I mean, how old is she now?

[A]

She's almost nine.

[B]

She's almost nine. Where do you like in a perfect world? What do you see her doing when she gets older?

[A]

I mean, honestly, I'd just be happy if she has a job. We're looking at community college, probably. Okay, so maybe we start a community college. Two years of that. Let's transfer somewhere.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then that'd be nice if we get a job. Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis Live every weekday on SiriusXM as well as the Jeff Lewis Channel exclusively on the SiriusXM app.

[B]

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