Jackie Schimmel & Zach Noe Towers: Baby Bump & Night Nurse

Summary

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Jeff Lewis Has Issues

Episode: Jackie Schimmel & Zach Noe Towers: Baby Bump & Night Nurse
Date: June 10, 2026
Guests: Jackie Schimmel, Zach Noe Towers
Host: Jeff Lewis

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Overview

In this candid, humor-packed episode of Jeff Lewis Has Issues, Jeff welcomes guests Jackie Schimmel and Zach Noe Towers to dish on everything from Jackie's pregnancy and online trolls to the high-stakes world of night nurses and post-baby body plans. True to form, Jeff holds nothing back as the trio delivers sharp banter, real talk about motherhood, celebrity drama, and hilarious stories about dealing with fat-shamers, pregnancy cravings, and awkward parenting logistics.

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Main Topics & Key Insights

1. Jackie’s Pregnancy Reveal and Experiences (01:31–13:14)

• Jackie’s Big News: Jeff congratulates Jackie on her pregnancy, having previously kept the secret. Jackie shares, “I am pregnant. Thank you so much.” (01:36)
• Public Reveal: Jackie had planned to keep her pregnancy private for as long as possible:
  “I thought it would be cool. I thought it would be mysterious. Very French.” (02:25, Jackie)
• Second Pregnancy Dynamics: Jackie talks about ‘showing’ earlier than with her first child, “Your body just remembers,” (02:51), and how different she feels this time around.
• Dealing with Fat-Shaming: Both Jeff and Jackie react strongly to fat-shaming comments on social media.
  • Jackie: “I saw Fat Shamers. And you fucking bitches should be ashamed…” (03:08)
  • Zach jokes: “This is the most fat phobic show I’ve ever been a part of.” (03:21)
• Baby's Sex Reveal: Jackie is keeping the baby’s sex under wraps, despite Jeff's attempts to recall if he already knows. (10:02–10:20)
• Pregnancy Diet & Cravings: Jackie describes early discomfort and odd cravings:
  • “For about four weeks I would have like a strawberry belt and water for the candy.” (12:51, Jackie)
  • Newly discovered love for Shake Shack, “If I don’t get a Shake Shack burger in 11 minutes or less, I will burn this fucking house down.” (13:15)
• Sushi Confession: Jackie reluctantly admits she is still eating sushi, “Low mercury fish only.” (14:22)

2. Online Trolls and Social Media Retaliation (04:48–09:15)

• Fighting Back Online: Jackie recounts an incident where a troll insulted her son via DM. Rather than ignore, she “LinkedIn-stalked” the troll and reported her to her employer, finding the boss’ email via LinkedIn Plus:
  • “I signed up not only for LinkedIn, Jeff, but LinkedIn Plus.” (06:10, Jackie)
  • “I emailed her superior the screenshots...during work hours...Have a blessed day. And I never felt more alive.” (07:06, Jackie)
• Panel’s Social Strategy: Zach admits he just blocks trolls now, “You don’t have access to my shit anymore. Go on with your day.” (08:05). Jeff claims he rarely blocks: “I don’t block. I don’t delete.”

3. Fat Suits, Wardrobe Malfunctions & Body Image (14:33–16:41)

• Wardrobe Realities: Jeff shares that for promotion shoots, his old suits no longer fit:
  • “The good news is they’re gonna have to buy me two brand new fat suits.” (15:02)
• The group jokes about tactics for hiding weight gain on TV sets—jackets, props, or shooting from the neck up.

4. The Night Nurse Saga – Ghosting and Miscommunication (18:30–46:56)

• The Night Nurse Hunt: Jackie details the struggle to find a reliable night nurse. Her beloved previous nurse isn’t available full-time, leading to interviews with new candidates.
• The Lillian Chronicles: Jackie interviews night nurse Lillian, who previously worked for both Jeff and other celebrities (including Jenny Poulos).
  • Lillian claims Jackie wanted “awake care,” i.e., for the nurse to stay up all night in a chair, which Jackie vehemently denies.
  • “I literally said, I don’t care what you do as long as I wake up and that baby’s alive. We’re good, girl.” (37:05, Jackie)
• Communication Breakdown: Jackie feels ghosted; Lillian insists Jackie’s job requirements were unreasonable.
• Jeff and Zach’s Intervention: The group attempts to contact Lillian again (via Jeff’s text), discovering the misunderstanding.
  • “You gotta go rectify this.” (38:39, Jeff to Jackie)
  • “What chair?” (37:30, Jackie, baffled at the accusation)
  • Ultimately, both sides feel confused, and Jackie expresses frustration: “It’s not a fit. I’m taking the power dynamic back.” (46:01, Jackie)

5. Social Media Pranking and Anniversary Antics (24:27–26:40)

• Jackie’s Husband’s “Secret” Instagram: Jackie secretly operates an Instagram account as her husband, posting faux-tributes and responding to his friends.
  • “He doesn’t know he has an Instagram account…It’s the greatest joy of my life.” (25:58, Jackie)
  • Jeff calls it “mean, and I love it.” (26:02)

6. Mother’s Day, Gifts, and the "Push Present" Debate (23:00–24:27)

• Gift Expectations: Jackie received diamond studs for Mother’s Day and expects that’s not her “push present.”
  • “They don’t count as a push present…carrying a baby is annoying and hard.” (23:11, Jackie)
• Gift-giving Negotiations: Jeff teases Jackie about leveraging holidays for multiple presents.

7. Mommy Makeover Plans (44:40–45:47)

• Jackie plans for a “reduction lift,” lipo, and getting “creative” about regaining her pre-baby body.
  • “We are doing a reduction lift. We’re doing lipo in the back…I want to bang for the buck once I’m under.” (44:44, Jackie)

8. Listener Call-ins & Final Thoughts (39:51–41:28)

• Caller Cheryl congratulates Jackie and shares her own worries about having a second child not as cute as the first. The group jokes about “putting Clyde up front in the holiday card.” (41:07, Jeff)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jackie on pregnancy secrecy:

  “I thought it would be mysterious. Very French.” (02:25)

• On fat shaming:

  “You fucking bitches should be ashamed…” (03:08, Jackie)

• Jackie’s trolling retribution:

  “I signed up not only for LinkedIn, Jeff, but LinkedIn Plus.” (06:10)
  “I never felt more alive.” (07:07)

• On Shake Shack cravings:

  “If I don’t get a Shake Shack burger in 11 minutes or less, I will burn this fucking house down.” (13:15, Jackie)

• On night nurse allegations:

  “What chair?” (37:30, Jackie)

• Jackie’s Instagram prank:

  “He doesn’t even have the app. It’s great. It’s the greatest joy of my life.” (25:58)

• Jackie’s pragmatic parenting mantra:

  “I don’t care what you do as long as I wake up and that baby’s alive.” (37:05)

• Jeff on wardrobe challenges:

  “They’re gonna have to buy me two brand new fat suits.” (15:02)

• On humor vs. interviews:

  “Andrew’s like, Jackie, you have to stop making jokes like that in these interviews…” (38:56, Jackie)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:31: Pregnancy reveal, secrecy, and social media fat shaming
• 06:10: Jackie’s LinkedIn detective revenge
• 13:15: Pregnancy cravings and Shake Shack debut
• 14:33: Suit fitting, wardrobe stories, and “fat suit” jokes (Jeff)
• 18:30: Night nurse saga begins – ghosting, confusion, and texting Lillian
• 24:27: Jackie’s secret Instagram for her husband and anniversary story
• 35:08: Zach’s stand-up tour dates and “Twink Death” special (YouTube)
• 37:05: Misunderstanding with the night nurse about “awake care” vs. sleeping
• 41:07: Listener call, anxieties over cute kids and holiday cards
• 44:40: Jackie’s plans for a post-baby "mommy makeover"

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Tone & Style

The conversation is fast-paced, witty, irreverent, and laced with sarcasm—often veering into hilarious oversharing. The hosts and guests mix genuine vulnerability (about pregnancy, parenthood, and social pressure) with acerbic humor and biting comebacks, ensuring a lively, entertaining episode.

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Summary

For listeners and fans, this episode delivers classic “Jeff Lewis Has Issues” energy: raw, funny, and relatable, with unfiltered takes on pregnancy, parenthood, and the tangled world of celebrity life. Jackie Schimmel’s blend of self-deprecation and steel-spined realness pairs perfectly with Jeff’s confessional style and Zach’s comedic timing. Whether you’re a parent, a troll-hunter, or just a fan of behind-the-scenes Hollywood mess, this episode is packed with both laughs and real talk.

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Transcript

[Jackie Schimmel]

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[Jackie Schimmel]

When you're Jeff Lewis, the drama never stops.

[Jeff Lewis]

For the last is a decade, you've been covering disasters. That's right.

[Dove Brand Advertiser]

That's why he's here.

[Jackie Schimmel]

The math ain't mathin' and the gay ain't gayin'.

[Jeff Lewis]

Later, you're gonna need to do maintenance.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Why? To be attractive. For who?

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, for us.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Jeff Lewis has issues.

[Jeff Lewis]

Hey, welcome to Jeff Lewis Has Issues. In today's episode, Jackie Schimmel and Zach Noe Towers join the show. We talk about baby bumps, fat suits and night nurses. Good morning.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Good morning.

[Jeff Lewis]

Let's please just get this out of the way. You are not fat.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, I'm not. I am pregnant. Thank you so much.

[Jeff Lewis]

Congratulations. Obviously, I've known for quite some time. And kept the secret.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Shock of a lifetime.

[Jeff Lewis]

I know.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I can't even believe it. There's been a couple times where on the show they've been talking about like pregnancy or surrogacy or something. People having babies. And I listen with my asshole clenched because I'm like this motherfucker. Any day now and not a word.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

When did you tell Jeff?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I told Jeff a while ago.

[Jeff Lewis]

Early. Early on early.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Like before it was too late.

[Jeff Lewis]

Right after she had sex.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Literally.

[Zach Noe Towers]

She's like, you never guess what I just did.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I texted Jeff immediately.

[Jeff Lewis]

So you wanted to wait till the very, very, very last minute?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I thought it would be cool. I thought it would be mysterious. Very French.

[Jeff Lewis]

Not because of your age?

[Jackie Schimmel]

No.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, okay.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Well, kind of.

[Jeff Lewis]

So you were planning on waiting till what, like seven months?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I just wanted to see how long I could let it go. You Know what I mean? Of just being, like, keeping it to myself and just, you know.

[Jeff Lewis]

But the crazy part is you just got big so fast.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I know.

[Jeff Lewis]

Like, that baby just started showing.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, I know. It's crazy. And everyone warns you about that for the second go. They're like, your body just remembers.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Oh.

[Jackie Schimmel]

And it really did.

[Jeff Lewis]

It really remembered.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Ew.

[Jackie Schimmel]

What is going on?

[Jeff Lewis]

What did make me mad, though, because there were a few comments on my. My Instagram about your weight.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, no, I know. I saw Fat Shamers. And you fucking bitches should be ashamed of your.

[Jeff Lewis]

They should be. They really should be.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Because, by the way, that's not okay in any scenario. What if. Well, I mean, honestly, that's true.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I was like, this is the most fat phobic show I've ever been a part of.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, it's true. But they should trust me to know that I wouldn't be, you know, I wouldn't be selling it so hard. I wouldn't be rocking it so hard if that were the case. And I'd be very open about that. But God forbid, fertility issues, ivf, any of those things that maybe could draw a little bit more weight to the midsection. Or maybe I'm just living good, living fast and loose. What the fuck?

[Jeff Lewis]

How pregnant are you right now?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I am almost halfway in a couple weeks. Yeah. Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

All right, so that's four and a half months. Everyone.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I know, I know.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That silence was everyone doing math in their head.

[Jeff Lewis]

I realized everybody started getting.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah, I'm like, four and a half, by the way. This pregnancy, I'm barely cute.

[Jeff Lewis]

But you were gonna wait till, like, six months before you said anything.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I thought it would be cute.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

You're a public person. Did you forget?

[Jeff Lewis]

No.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Like, you're out and about.

[Jeff Lewis]

There's something that you did recently, and I don't know if this is something you'd ever do. Zach, it is something that I have ever absolutely considered many times. There is some Karen that came for you, and I don't know how nasty it was because I've never known you to go this far, but You've actually joined LinkedIn to find this Karen's employer, to then send the messages to Karen's employer so this person knows that Karen, during work hours, is sending you nasty messages.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Can you give us a taste of the message?

[Jeff Lewis]

I thought of this, too.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay. No, it was honestly the best day of my life. It was last Wednesday. I had just got, like, the most gorgeous prenatal massage at the Four Seasons. Okay. I'm laying.

[Zach Noe Towers]

What's that include. They just stay away from your belly. You.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It's very awkward. I mean, you have to lay in this contraption so, like, there's no pressure on your stomach.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I bet they're terrified.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're. It's a very. It's a whole situation, but it was unbelievable. Like, I went to the fucking moon. Okay. Levitated. And I was so relaxed, and I was laying by the pool. I was having a beautiful caprese salad. I tried to read a book. Didn't work.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You know, they don't always take. They didn't take your body rejected it. Like, in organ. It's like, nope.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, thank you. So I was getting bored. I was trolling Instagram. I got this DM that was just very, very, very abrasive. Like, terrible things. Talking shit about my son, who is perfect and gorgeous. Talking about his looks, which is insane.

[Jeff Lewis]

What.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I mean, objectively, my son is gorgeous. Like, we can say a lot, but he's beautiful.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah.

[Jackie Schimmel]

O. And even if he wasn't, like, you should.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That's crazy.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It's a crazy thing to say. Talking shit about just, like, the most vile message. Okay. And I thought, I have two options here on this beautiful spa day. I could just, like, namaste, breathe, and enjoy my salad.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Block, delete.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Or I could have a good time. So I was beaming, by the way. I was smiling like I've never smiled before. And I signed up not only for LinkedIn, Jeff, but LinkedIn Plus.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You paid. You gave your credit card.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I'll buy it for the year.

[Jackie Schimmel]

So I found her. I found where she worked. Okay. Which was a medical facility of sorts. I found out who her supervisor was.

[Jeff Lewis]

Good for you.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I screenshotted all of the messages. I found his email thanks to LinkedIn plus or whatever the advanced LinkedIn is. And I emailed her superior the screenshots because then I did the math of where she lives, which is clearly not her break. It was not her break. It was during work hours. Okay. And then I said, I just thought you should know that this is what Kathleen's been doing on your dime.

[Jeff Lewis]

That's amazing.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Have a blessed day. And I never felt more alive.

[Jeff Lewis]

Now, the only. Okay, so I completely get this.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

But where I. Okay, so I don't. If people come for me personally, that's one Totally don't care when they email my bosses is when I want to email their bosses.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

I don't have a boss.

[Jeff Lewis]

Right.

[Jackie Schimmel]

So jokes on you, Kathleen.

[Jeff Lewis]

I wouldn't. I wouldn't Go after somebody who you know. Because I get a lot of negative messages, but it's the ones that go to my bosses. They're the ones that I want to go to their bosses.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Totally.

[Jeff Lewis]

And I've actually thought about hiring someone. That's all they do.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Great.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, retaliate.

[Jeff Lewis]

All they do is retaliate all day long.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Well, I'd be the girl for the job.

[Jeff Lewis]

You'd be great.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I'd be unbelievable.

[Jeff Lewis]

I didn't even know there was a linked plus.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah, it's like the. It's the step above LinkedIn where you get access to more information, basically.

[Jeff Lewis]

Because they're all doing it at work, of course. Absolutely. Not doing it at home.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, no, no.

[Jeff Lewis]

What do you think, Zach? Is this something you would do?

[Unidentified Male Caller]

I.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You know, people will leave a comment that. It'll be amongst a bunch of positive comments. The one negative one will get under my skin. And I have that same thing. I'm like, I want to. I want to burn this person to the ground. But then I ultimately. These days, I've been deleting the comment, blocking the person healthy. Because my theory there is you. I do. I post for free. You don't have access to my shit anymore. Go on with your day.

[Jeff Lewis]

I really. I don't block. I don't block. I don't delete. And the funny thing, too, is Kelly Dodd was on with Jamie Kennedy, and there. It was a great show. It was actually a great show. Really funny. And so there weren't a lot of negative comments, surprisingly, I was gonna say. And so people are like, he's blocking, he's deleting. He's. No, I wasn't. Bitch. They just. There weren't a lot of negative comments that day.

[Jackie Schimmel]

That's great.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Seems so.

[Jeff Lewis]

But I don't delete. I don't block. However, I did have one person maybe a year ago or two ago come from Monroe. And that. That.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That's crazy.

[Jeff Lewis]

It gets to. There's a line there where you do kind of want to go after him.

[Zach Noe Towers]

What's this person's motivation? Or what was the thesis behind messaging you? Like, you're such a bad person or bad mother.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Bad mother. You can tell. Like, just talking about my son in a way that was so vile that. That I just felt it necessary.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Like, would you ever post it on your story?

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, I don't think so. Because I feel like it would be garnering sympathy or people would be, like, really enraged and then go after the person. But I am going to be doing a dramatic reading in Next week's episode of my podcast.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yay.

[Jeff Lewis]

Your skin is so glowy.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Thank you.

[Jeff Lewis]

You are glowing. They really say. I mean, pregnant women really do glow. It's crazy.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Well, she's creating life.

[Jeff Lewis]

Unless you've got a lot of makeup on. What's going on?

[Unidentified Male Caller]

No wise beauty, baby.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I just. I have a glow. What can I say?

[Jeff Lewis]

Is it a girl or a boy?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I'm not telling you.

[Jeff Lewis]

You betch.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You know, though.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I do.

[Jeff Lewis]

I think I know.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I don't know.

[Jeff Lewis]

I think you told me and I forgot.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I did, actually. By the way, I love you so much. I 1. 100% talking about. We had a whole conversation.

[Zach Noe Towers]

It'll come back. So.

[Jeff Lewis]

I know. It's come back to me. I know.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Do you know why you don't. He forgot because it was at the Molly Sims party and he was solely focused on gambling.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, my God. You were like Rain Man. What was going on? I know, but it's crazy.

[Jeff Lewis]

I did win $11,000.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, my God.

[Jeff Lewis]

14,000. Sorry. $14,000. Not really money, though. Oh, it was fake money. Had to use it to get a prize.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, like an arcade.

[Jeff Lewis]

Boo.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

The best part of the party was Jackie had, like, a virgin lemon drop martini, and she hadn't told people that she's pregnant yet. So she was, like, sipping on it. And Jeff, after he drank, would go up to people like, she's pregnant.

[Jackie Schimmel]

She would be, like, drinking, and no

[Unidentified Male Caller]

one knew how to react.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Jeff told, like, 700 people at the party. I had no choice but to announce. It was like. He's like, I held off so long not announcing on radio, so now I'm gonna tell all of these innocent bystanders who don't even know who she is. She's pregnant. She's pregnant. I was like, thanks.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah, but weren't you just on the show and you got fat shamed, And I was in protective mod, and there were all these gorgeous people there. And then you roll in and I'm like, I gotta defend her. She's pregnant.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I know. I wasn't. I was. I did a really terrible thing, which you should never do when you're pregnant. I was wearing, like. I wasn't embracing the bump fully.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah.

[Jackie Schimmel]

So I was trying to just wear, like, normal oversized clothes. Like, it just. It was not. It was not it.

[Jeff Lewis]

Are you worried that. Oh, God, there's. Well, your next child. There's no way your next child could be as pretty as your son.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No. Never. Never.

[Jeff Lewis]

That sucks for them.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, it completely sucks for them. This is the personality birth but although my son has the best personality, like they will just. This is an Ashley Jessica Simpson. Cute shadows. It's never going to be.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Wow, I'm so. I'm the second born and I'm the hottest.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay, that's great.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Just saying.

[Jeff Lewis]

Out of how many?

[Zach Noe Towers]

3.

[Jeff Lewis]

One

[Jackie Schimmel]

sex and only child.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Well, she miscarried. That was ugly as hell. And then me.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

How does this pregnancy feel compared to

[Jackie Schimmel]

with Clyde? I never felt better. I was like perfectly fine the whole time. This one was a little more difficult. The first trimester, nothing sounded good. Nothing.

[Jeff Lewis]

Did you throw up?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Never.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, that's good.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It's not in my constitution. I have a stomach of iron.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Wow.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I'm not a thrower.

[Jeff Lewis]

Any cravings? Any.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Not at the beginning. Like, literally nothing sounded good. Which now is torture.

[Zach Noe Towers]

What do you divert to though? When nothing sounded good?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I. For about four weeks I would have like a strawberry belt and water for the candy. Yes.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That's crazy. That's great. No wonder it's going to come out ugly as hell.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Totally. All the red dye 40 look like a fucking creature.

[Jeff Lewis]

Tell everyone what you eating now?

[Jackie Schimmel]

What Ass.

[Jeff Lewis]

Shake Shack.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, you're such an asshole.

[Jeff Lewis]

What are you getting at? Shake Shack.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay, so I've never had Shake Shack in my entire life.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

What?

[Dove Brand Advertiser]

Why?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I don't know. I'm just an in n out girl. But the other night, something came over me. It was like a call from Jesus. It was like, you need Shake Shack. And I looked at Andrew and I said, if I don't get a Shake shack burger in 11 minutes or less, I will burn this fucking house down. So he ran. I got Shake Shack for the first

[Jeff Lewis]

time ever, a burger.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I had a cheeseburger.

[Jeff Lewis]

How was it?

[Jackie Schimmel]

It was. I don't know if it was the potato bun that just like threw Shake Shacks.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Incredible.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It was incredible.

[Zach Noe Towers]

There's sauces, there's milkshakes. It's so good.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Get a milkshake.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, that's great.

[Jackie Schimmel]

To avoid gestational diabetes. This go but I did get onion rings. I had a Diet Coke and a Shake Shack and I was like slipping and sliding.

[Jeff Lewis]

Are you still eating sushi? You have to.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No.

[Jeff Lewis]

The lie detector determined that was a lie. It's okay. You just can't eat a lot, right? Yeah, like more than six days a week. Yeah.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Like said, no, I don't eat any sushi. I don't know what you're talking about. If you saw me at Sugarfish. By the way, I ran into Liotte's husband and I was just going to

[Jeff Lewis]

town at sugar fish.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Sweating. Sweating. I was like, oh, my God, he knows. Everybody knows. Everybody knows. But low mercury fish only.

[Jeff Lewis]

Speaking of weight gain, the stylist came over yesterday for my still flipping out shoot for marketing, I guess the marketing materials. So Bravo has sent over a look, and they said if Jeff has any suits he loves, you know, and, you know, this is the kind of look we're going for. Well, it turns out the suit's pretty tight, and you can't add material. So the good news is they're gonna have to buy me two brand new fat suits.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, amazing. Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

Because my suits don't fit. Wow. And so she goes, well, I have to justify why we're buying the two suits. So I told you. She's calling them today to let them know that Jeff has gained weight and doesn't fit in any of his clothes. So we're gonna have to. We're gonna need to increase that budget.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Wow. We should start a support group for each other.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

This is gonna be the opposite of the Valley Persian style with Reza, where people saw him today and then were, like, watching the old footage, like, wow, he lost a ton of weight. It's gonna be the opposite for you. People are gonna be like, whoa, he got so big.

[Jeff Lewis]

You know what's gonna happen, actually. So I saw episode two and three, and I actually look kind of lean, like I think I was 190. But then episode four or five, my guess is I start gaining weight by the eighth episode. Obese. And then wait till they see the marketing.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, that's why you need a billboard.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah, exactly.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Fill the space.

[Jeff Lewis]

But then I thought, when we do the shoot, you have to tape my neck.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Yes.

[Jeff Lewis]

And then I thought, why don't they shoot it from the neck up? But the problem is they also have to be far away. So how do you do that? You can't shoot from the neck up and then also be half a mile away.

[Jackie Schimmel]

You need a tapeworm asap.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Maybe you're in a pool with just your head popping out

[Jeff Lewis]

like Jennifer Tilly.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Perfect.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

You're holding something really big, like you're moving forward.

[Jeff Lewis]

That's. That's actually a great idea.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Maybe you could do the old sitcom thing where you're carrying a basket of laundry in front of you.

[Jeff Lewis]

You know, that makes sense.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

In bed covers.

[Jeff Lewis]

I do a lot of laundry.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Yeah.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Nothing would ever make more sense than that.

[Jeff Lewis]

So you felt sick. And then the other thing, too, I want to ask you is, did you. Was this on purpose? Yeah, it was. So you were Actually trying, but your. But your husband's never in town, so.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah, I know she's lonely. It happened quickly. Quickly as it does. And he was gone, too. Another reason why I wanted to just kill him with my bare hands that I wasn't able to talk about at the time is that my first trimester. Andrew was gone 90% of the time. So I've been carrying that resentment with me.

[Jeff Lewis]

And taking care of the baby and taking care of the household. Yes.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yes.

[Jeff Lewis]

And being sick and not eating and.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yes. While he's gallivanting all over the country.

[Jeff Lewis]

Cause that's what he's doing. He's not working. He's gallivanting.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Sure, I call it gallivanting. Okay, maybe there's some work there, but it's gallivanting. He's left me for dead, and I don't care about the details, really, so that was difficult.

[Jeff Lewis]

What about our backyard? Is this baby gonna come between us and our backyard remodel?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Everybody says it will be done before the baby. I'm not so sure about that. I'm not feeling great, if I'm being honest.

[Jeff Lewis]

Cause you can't have construction out there when a baby's sleeping.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, with a jackhammer?

[Jeff Lewis]

No way.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No fucking way. So I've lied to them about my due date.

[Jeff Lewis]

Good. When is your due date? And then what are we telling everyone? When's the real due date?

[Jackie Schimmel]

My real due date is beginning of November.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay, so we're telling the contractors mid October. Nice. Okay.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Because I think.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah, I would even move it. Move it up just so they think it's coming early.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Right? Right.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You're fucking with karma, though. And your baby's gonna come early. Oh, God, it's gonna be skinny. That's gonna be early.

[Jeff Lewis]

A little preemie.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Bright red. Smells like strawberries.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah, totally covered in sugars.

[Jeff Lewis]

Now, the funny thing is that I. I did get a text from Jackie. You have been looking for night nurses.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I have.

[Jeff Lewis]

And what happened? How many night nurses have you interviewed?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay, so I've interviewed three so far. And the last person I interviewed, the woman that we used for Clyde, is my lord and savior. I would give her any of my organs. Love her more than anything, but she's got a family, a schedule, and she can't really commit to, like, a full block of time every single night, which is understandable. So I got introed to a woman named Lillian, and she comes over to my house last week, and. And she was lovely. And she. She has this big old binder, and she says, I've worked with many celebrity families. Not saying that. I am. She was just saying that as a, you know, just a separate whatever. And she goes, I'd love you to go through my referrals and the families I worked with. And I opened the binder, and first I see Jenny Poulos. And I was like, oh, that's funny. Small world. Whatever. And she's like, do you know her? And I'm like, no, but I know the lore. Blah, blah, blah. Next page. Jeff Lewis. And I go, oh, lookie there. And she goes, do you know Jeff? I said, it depends.

[Zach Noe Towers]

How was your experience with him? Yeah.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I'm like, well, I'm not sure.

[Jeff Lewis]

What did she say about me?

[Jackie Schimmel]

She said, okay. And I. It should be mentioned on Mike because it was wild. She said that you were, like, her favorite person that she's ever worked for. Whoa.

[Jeff Lewis]

Are you kidding me?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I said, are you sure Are Jeff. Like this. This Jeff Lewis? And she said you were wonderful. She said that you got lunch every day for her.

[Jeff Lewis]

I did.

[Jackie Schimmel]

She said that she was your last and final night nurse out of. What was it, eight or nine?

[Jeff Lewis]

We had a lot.

[Jackie Schimmel]

We had a lot.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Whoa.

[Jackie Schimmel]

And she said she was the one that finally got Monroe sleeping.

[Jeff Lewis]

She is the sweetest, softest, most nurturing. She's the opposite of you. She's perfect.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yes.

[Jeff Lewis]

She's the perfect. Now, I'm going to tell you, she. I don't mean negative, but she's not. I'm not going to be negative at all because she's lovely. She's not a brain surgeon, sure, but she is amazing with babies. The reason I'm telling you this, she's a night nurse. The reason I'm telling you this is because she hasn't got back to you. Right. And she hasn't got you the contract, and she hasn't. You have to be patient.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I feel borderline ghosted.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah, I know.

[Zach Noe Towers]

How many days has it been?

[Unidentified Male Caller]

How long has it been?

[Jeff Lewis]

She's. Yeah, she's not real good with the deed, like the contracts and things, but she's.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Basic communication feels good, somewhat necessary when you're keeping a child alive.

[Jeff Lewis]

She does communicate.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

I think maybe she doesn't. She didn't do the con like, it's. The ball's in her court right now, right?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

She's about to get you the contract.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Do you think she's just, like, making me sweat?

[Jeff Lewis]

No, no. She's trying to figure out the contract.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

The contract that she's probably used 500 times.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay. Because it's been a week.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah. Yeah. But follow up with her.

[Jackie Schimmel]

She's.

[Jeff Lewis]

I know.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I did.

[Jeff Lewis]

Lovely.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And just nothing. Crickets.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Not even a heart.

[Jeff Lewis]

Monroe.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Loo. Not even a light.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Not even a T. But they're delivered.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, yeah. They're. They're.

[Jeff Lewis]

She would. She would send me videos and stuff when I was at work, like, she was on it.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah. Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

Monroe loved her.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

How long has it been since you heard from her?

[Zach Noe Towers]

A week.

[Jackie Schimmel]

A week. I don't love that.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Maybe she has, like, a client right now and she has a lot going on.

[Jeff Lewis]

She could be in it. She could be in it right now.

[Jackie Schimmel]

She does have a client, but she's working only nights.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes, but you work when you have a young baby, as, you know, like a Monroe. They're up all night long. She's sleeping during the day.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, but if I were interviewing for a job and I was offered that job.

[Jeff Lewis]

I know.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Wouldn't you.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I would at least heart. I would at least be like.

[Jeff Lewis]

I'm trying to tell you the negatives.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

But the positives way outweigh.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Listen, I'm not so picky, okay? Just keep the thing alive.

[Jeff Lewis]

Do you want me to text her? Send me her number right now. Because I don't know if I have her number in my phone.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Okay.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

I will text her.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Be like, why haven't you got back to Jackie?

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

No, just say, I love Jackie so much. I hope it works out for you.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, that's the nudge.

[Jeff Lewis]

The nudge doesn't have a mean bone in her body. And we had. We started off with a Nurse Ratchet.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Really?

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, she was a horrible.

[Zach Noe Towers]

She just chloroformed Monroe every night.

[Jeff Lewis]

Terrible.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I kind of love that vibe, too. Kind of spicy. I had one of those.

[Jeff Lewis]

No. No, you don't.

[Zach Noe Towers]

For the nighttime. No. That's scary.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

All right. Did you send me the number?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah, I'm sending it to you right now.

[Jeff Lewis]

All right. In eight minutes. So take a break, and then I'm gonna. Hey, why don't you start working on the text right now?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Wait, I'll text her too.

[Jeff Lewis]

Will you save everybody?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Save her in my.

[Jeff Lewis]

Save her in my phone.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Could you imagine saying her number on this show?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Every listener be like, get back to Jackie.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Never.

[Jeff Lewis]

Wait, did you get earrings for Mother's Day?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Did I get what?

[Jeff Lewis]

Earrings.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yes, I did.

[Jeff Lewis]

What did you get?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I got beautiful emerald cut diamond studs.

[Jeff Lewis]

No.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Gorgeous. But they don't count as a push present.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Just so you know.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Why?

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay, look, so I'm. And now you're expecting anniversary gift too?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yes.

[Jeff Lewis]

Well, you got a Mother's Day.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I got a Mother's Day gift. They come very close. They were within a week of each other.

[Jeff Lewis]

I mean, just saying, that's a lot of money. I feel like you caught him.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It was a little bit of a break. It was a conception Mother's Day joint gift. Okay. And when I was, when I was, you know, floating it, when I was pitching the earrings, I was like, you know, this, like I've, I've wanted these forever. I just feel like, blah, blah, blah. And it's our anniversary and it's Mother's Day and I'm carrying your child. You know, I did like a heavy press, but then my anniversary was five days later. I was like low key, kind of expecting like another gift. Didn't really get one, but that was fine. I just like swallowed it down. But now the clock has reset because we've got time. And I do think that. I'm just saying carrying a baby is annoying and hard.

[Jeff Lewis]

So you want a push gift now in addition to the anniversary Mother's Day gift?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I wouldn't be upset about it.

[Jeff Lewis]

But you're not expecting it, are you?

[Zach Noe Towers]

In four and a half months.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I mean, I feel like also November.

[Dove Brand Advertiser]

That's.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That's a real no man's land for gifts.

[Jeff Lewis]

I don't have that.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You're not going to get a.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Did I post a list?

[Jeff Lewis]

No, no, no.

[Jackie Schimmel]

That would be awkward, I think, the

[Jeff Lewis]

way you humiliate him publicly.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Right. But he doesn't know I know.

[Jeff Lewis]

So for those of you that don't know, Jackie has. She basically created an Instagram account for her husband that he does not know about. But people like, he grew up with his family. Yeah. And he doesn't know he has an Instagram account.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That is psychotic.

[Jeff Lewis]

So listen to what she did to the poor guy. So it's their nine year anniversary on May 17th. It was May.

[Zach Noe Towers]

She boasted about her.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Obviously.

[Jeff Lewis]

She posted a picture of their wedding picture said, my north star, my rock, my reason, my life, my wife, my light, my angel, my partner, my muse. What a privilege and grandiose honor of being married to you for the past nine years. I didn't deserve you then and I don't deserve you now. Happy anniversary to my guiding light. And then Jackie responds, thank you.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That is so funny.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, it's so great. Because somebody like, he went to elementary school.

[Jeff Lewis]

It's embarrassing.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Or like a family friend is like, wow, Andrew, so proud of you. And a Beautiful life you've built. And I'll respond as him and just be like, I know I'm killing it.

[Zach Noe Towers]

So nobody else knows?

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, he didn't know for so long, too. One of his friends, like, was like, hey, I think you got hacked. And Andrew's like, what are you talking about? I don't have social media, and it's just been me. And he, like, doesn't know about it. He doesn't even have the app. It's great. It's the greatest joy of my life.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That is so funny.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It's really fun for me. It's really fun.

[Jeff Lewis]

It's mean, and I love it.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I know it's. But you know what I said to him? Because he did get mad one time? He's like, jackie, like, if I do a session with someone that I don't know, and then they DM me being like, hey, like, great working together. And then you respond as me. Like, five paragraphs about how moved you were by the song. Like, that's awkward. Like, we're not going to. Like, that affects, like, my work. And I was like, you should be so lucky. I gave you an inside joke. It's now an icebreaker. You can go back to the session and be like, I have a crazy bitch wife who runs my Instagram account. Sorry about that. Now you guys have a bit together. You're welcome. Yeah, I don't know.

[Jeff Lewis]

How's the text coming? Read it.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

It's good. She's getting distracted.

[Zach Noe Towers]

It's good.

[Jeff Lewis]

What does it say?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, it's looking lengthy.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

It's Jeff Lewis. I heard you spoke with Jackie Schimmel about working with her family. Her and her husband are the kindest people. You will love them. I hope all is well. I'm zhuzhing it, but something, like, to this effect.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah, I think we have to just get straight, like she said. You're not calling her back?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Really?

[Jeff Lewis]

No, not yet.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No. Let's play softball, and then if she doesn't respond, then we get aggressive. I'll let you guys know.

[Jeff Lewis]

And you respond again because she's worth chasing.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

Eight night nurses. She's worth chasing.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I know. Wow.

[Jeff Lewis]

I don't care. Did she give you a rate?

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, she won't send me a contract.

[Zach Noe Towers]

How can there be so many bad night nurses?

[Jeff Lewis]

But she's worth it.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Eight is so many.

[Jeff Lewis]

What?

[Zach Noe Towers]

How are there so many bad night nurses?

[Jeff Lewis]

There are that many bad night nurses.

[Jackie Schimmel]

That's great.

[Jeff Lewis]

There. That many.

[Jackie Schimmel]

But Monroe had colic, right? Yeah, that's so she was.

[Jeff Lewis]

It was rough she was a fussy, fussy baby.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, but that's the gig.

[Jeff Lewis]

She's a fussy nine year old now too.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

And then what did the night nurses do?

[Jeff Lewis]

What do you mean?

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Like when they were bad. Like, how do you.

[Zach Noe Towers]

They, like, stay up with me.

[Jeff Lewis]

They're forcing her to eat. They were, you know, it just. They were. I think they were a little aggressive with her. Yeah. Okay. So are you gonna send it or what are you doing?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Well, no, don't. Not under pressure.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Fix it.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

What do you mean fix it? What's wrong with it?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Jesus.

[Jeff Lewis]

What.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Are you all right?

[Jackie Schimmel]

It's not a college essay.

[Jeff Lewis]

Why does it matter? Did you want to add something?

[Unidentified Male Caller]

No, it's good. I sent it.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay. Let's see if she gets back.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay. If she gets back to you and not to me, I'm gonna fucking lose it.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

I hope she does.

[Jeff Lewis]

She probably will. Well, I am her favorite. I am her favorite client.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

I know.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Is there a world in which she emailed you and it went to your spam or something?

[Jackie Schimmel]

No.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay, so you're need to buy her lunch.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

DM'd. Andrew.

[Jackie Schimmel]

That's fine.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, my God. Yes, totally.

[Jeff Lewis]

Or dinner.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, we do dinner. We all buy your dinner with our night nurse.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

That's nice. Shake that.

[Jackie Schimmel]

By the end, I was given Lupe margaritas. I mean, we were having the best

[Zach Noe Towers]

time before they watched your baby.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Wow.

[Jackie Schimmel]

A couple nights.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay. I let my employees drink, but not too much.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, just like we had a shot of mezcal the first night that she got him sleeping through the night. Cause that's her favorite drink.

[Zach Noe Towers]

The baby had one too.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jeff Lewis]

That's what got him to sleep the night.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Just a little on the gums.

[Jeff Lewis]

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[Jackie Schimmel]

Crazy.

[Jeff Lewis]

So, again, good morning, Lillian. It's Jeff Lewis. I heard you spoke with Jackie Schimmel about working with her family. Oh, I would have done she and her husband, you know, Do. Do you know, do you. Do she and her husband or her and her husband?

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Her and her husband are.

[Jeff Lewis]

Her and her husband are the kindest people. Is that grammatically correct?

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Maybe it should have been also a lie.

[Jeff Lewis]

You will love them. Exclamation point. Hope all is well. Long time typing.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Long time bubble.

[Jeff Lewis]

She's been typing for minutes.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, my God. She also met Clyde, who gave her the biggest hug and went in for the lips.

[Jeff Lewis]

Well, stay tuned. We have bubbles.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, my God, I'm freaking out. What if she was like, I don't know.

[Jeff Lewis]

Did you get your car fixed, by the way?

[Zach Noe Towers]

I did. Totally fine. It was just like the worst day ever because.

[Jeff Lewis]

Seventeen hundred dollars in damage, right?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah. But you know what? So what sucks is I. Before you, I talked to you. I did file a claim on my insurance, despite it being $1,000 deductible. I was like, well, let me get this other $700 back. Why am I paying $300 a month?

[Jeff Lewis]

And then, well, now you're gonna pay four.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I know. So now they're like, oh, it was 100% your fault. And so now I'm like, well, then, nevermind. I want to take it back.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Take it back.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Just kidding.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah, your rates are gonna go up.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

I made the whole thing up.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I hate insurance in West Hollywood. It's so high. It's so high.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

All right. I don't know what she's. God, this is not looking good. She's still typing.

[Zach Noe Towers]

But you said she's not a brain surgeon either, so maybe she's sounding words

[Jeff Lewis]

out or spell checking.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, that. There's automatic spell check now. You have a lot of stand up dates. I can't even believe how busy you are.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Isn't it crazy?

[Jeff Lewis]

Just a lot of people taking time off right now, but you've got so

[Zach Noe Towers]

many of the slack.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, so many dates, honey.

[Zach Noe Towers]

North Carolina, I'm in rally, June 16th, Charlotte. June 17th, I'm headlining the club in San Francisco for Pride weekend. June 25th through the 27th. I'm in London at Leicester Square Theater. August 1st, Philadelphia. September 23rd, St. Louis, September 24th, Portland, Oregon. October 15th, tickets to Zachnoy Towers dot com. Also, I'm on a thing called punch up now. And if you give your name or email or your email your phone number, it'll give you a little jolt when I'm coming to your hood.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Ooh, punch up.

[Jeff Lewis]

We got some bad news. Wait, no, not that you're doing stand up.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

No.

[Jeff Lewis]

Hi, Jeff. Good morning. I was thinking about you. She interviewed me, but she didn't hire me. She wants awake care. That's so hard to be awake all night. I rest when the baby sleeps and I always have a place to lie. Flat bed. You didn't give her a bed?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Of course I did.

[Jeff Lewis]

Because it's not healthy to be sitting all night awake on a chair as she requested.

[Jackie Schimmel]

What?

[Jeff Lewis]

I just finished a contract yesterday with a wonderful family and I'm looking for a job. If you have friends who need a doula and who. Who will. Let's see, who will have a baby. If you can refer me, please. I always feel honored that I worked with your daughter. How is Monroe doing? You were gonna make her stay up all night in a chair?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Of course not.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You tie her to the chair?

[Jeff Lewis]

Was it like a metal fold out chair? Wait, next to the crib.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Wait, wait, what? And she had to drink a Red Bull every hour.

[Jeff Lewis]

She misunderstood.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, clearly.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Did she? Or is she making this up?

[Jeff Lewis]

Or you're a tyrant.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh my God, by the way, I love that for me, but that's.

[Jeff Lewis]

That was not she want awake care. And that's so hard to be awake all night. Yeah, I let her sleep when the baby was sleeping.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Of course. What the hell's awake care? I don't even know what that means.

[Jeff Lewis]

Where the person just sits up all night and starts the baby.

[Jackie Schimmel]

By the way. Okay, I think she might be mistaking me for another person because I literally said, I don't care what you do as long as I Wake up and that baby's alive. We're good, girl.

[Jeff Lewis]

Did you not provide a bed for her?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Of course I did. I said.

[Jeff Lewis]

I said, these are the futon. Is it a mattress on the floor? A sleeping bag?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, my God. I was like, here's this beautiful bathroom. Gucci wallpaper. And here's the bedroom that you can have where you could sleep wherever.

[Jeff Lewis]

Not healthy to be sitting all night awake on a chair, as she requested.

[Jackie Schimmel]

What chair?

[Jeff Lewis]

Holy shit. You are lying to us.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Wow.

[Jeff Lewis]

You were going to make that sweet woman sit up all night in a chair.

[Jackie Schimmel]

By the way, I did offer her. I said, please send over your contract whenever, and here's my email address.

[Jeff Lewis]

Like, well, she found a wonderful family that lets her sleep.

[Zach Noe Towers]

No, she's looking for a job.

[Jeff Lewis]

Is that even confused by the whole thing?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I'm so confused.

[Jeff Lewis]

I'm really confused, too.

[Jackie Schimmel]

But she never even responded.

[Jeff Lewis]

Wait, so she said she signed. I just finished. Oh, she just finished a contract. You got to get in there right now.

[Zach Noe Towers]

She's looking for.

[Jeff Lewis]

She just finished a contract yesterday.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, I don't like liars.

[Jeff Lewis]

She's not a liar. I'm telling you. She's just not smart. So you've got it. You just have to communicate better.

[Jackie Schimmel]

But no, I'm a good communicator. Communicate for a living. I need to understand where.

[Jeff Lewis]

You can't let her go. Text her right now.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I texted her three times. What? Where is.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Call her.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Wait.

[Jeff Lewis]

Go outside and call her.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Where in the world would she get creative enough to think that I wanted her to stay awake all night?

[Jeff Lewis]

I think you call right now and be like, I didn't expect you to sit in a chair all night in a chair.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You've got to go.

[Jeff Lewis]

You gotta go rectify this.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Or is she lying to not do the job?

[Unidentified Male Caller]

No, she just didn't like Jackie.

[Jeff Lewis]

Jeremy, who wouldn't want to work for Andrew?

[Jackie Schimmel]

That's so true. He was there in the interview.

[Jeff Lewis]

Great.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It wasn't just me. It was Andrew. He's lovely.

[Jeff Lewis]

You should let him do the talking next time.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I literally was making so many jokes, and Andrew's like, jackie, you have to stop making jokes like that. In these interviews where I was like, I don't care. You can do whatever you want.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Put it in a blender as long as it's alive.

[Jackie Schimmel]

You don't understand. I'm like, whatever the opposite of neurotic is with children. That's me.

[Jeff Lewis]

What you don't understand, I don't care, is that these nurses are interviewing you and you Failed.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That's not her, is it?

[Jeff Lewis]

You failed. You fucked this up. She is the best night nurse that I know of.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay, well, he's got a bone now. Lupe Christ, who is my original night nurse and my Lord and savior. Like. Like, that's the love of my life. So. You know what? This just has.

[Jeff Lewis]

I would literally send her a car service if that's what she needed. Whatever she needed. Whoa.

[Jackie Schimmel]

We talked about. She's in the Valley, so she's, like, geographically desirable.

[Jeff Lewis]

Go fix this.

[Jackie Schimmel]

She's got three children. Clyde went in for a mouth kiss.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I thought that maybe that's why.

[Jeff Lewis]

Is this Shirley or Shirley in Simi Valley?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Cheryl.

[Jeff Lewis]

Cheryl. Hi, Cheryl.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Shirley.

[Jeff Lewis]

Hi, Cheryl.

[Cheryl]

Good morning, guys. How are you?

[Jeff Lewis]

Good. What's up? Cheryl?

[Cheryl]

I wanted to congratulate Jackie on baby number two. I have a curly hair boy just like yours. And my second son has completely straight hair. And he's just as gorgeous, but just in a completely different way.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah, but we're also talking about his face. Clyde has a beautiful face. The chances are she's not going to have another child as cute as Clyde.

[Cheryl]

I was actually very. I had the same feeling, like, so worried, like, oh, my gosh. My son is just. There's nothing that, like, he can't. This can't be duplicated. And it. You know, it can happen.

[Jeff Lewis]

Is your second responsible? Do you. You have two kids?

[Cheryl]

I have two boys.

[Jeff Lewis]

Is the second one as cute as the first? Be honest. No, of course. No. Yeah. You pause and your voice went higher.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Cute kids can get busted when they go through puberty.

[Jackie Schimmel]

That's so true.

[Cheryl]

That's true.

[Jeff Lewis]

Right. Well, thanks for calling.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Thank you.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, you're prepared for this. Right? So here's the thing. All the holiday cards put Clyde up front.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, of course. Front and center. He's Beyonce. Yeah, yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

And then I would put the baby just a little far further in the

[Jackie Schimmel]

back, behind the tree.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Like ads for your show.

[Jeff Lewis]

Exactly. However they shoot, but still flipping out. Promo. That's how you should do it.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay, so the baby will just be in a pool, floatin.

[Jeff Lewis]

If I were you, I'd be stressed out right now. I couldn't focus on radio.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, I'm not stressed. I'm irritated.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, no, don't be irritated. She misunderstood.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I feel this is not.

[Jeff Lewis]

She misunderstood.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

It's not a fit. There was a major.

[Jeff Lewis]

But you also said something. You were joking around.

[Jackie Schimmel]

You.

[Jeff Lewis]

I know you. You were fucking around. You were joking around and she took you seriously. She doesn't have that kind of sense of humor.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I mean, I literally said, do whatever you want.

[Jeff Lewis]

I think you probably joked. And then she's like, oh, God, I have to be. Be up all night, and I have to cook dinner, and I have to.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I doubt.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Did you make any sort of joke? Like, I need you sitting in the chair staring at the baby like something.

[Jeff Lewis]

Were you drinking?

[Jackie Schimmel]

No. I literally said, I'm like, whatever. Your strategy is whatever. As long as that thing gets through the nights, we're good. I said, whatever you want to do. Breezy.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Breezy.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I am too easy.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Breezy.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

You did something wrong.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I don't know.

[Jeff Lewis]

Cause I didn't have this kind of problems. Clearly, I'm the best client, even over Jenny Poulos, that everybody loves.

[Jackie Schimmel]

That's true.

[Jeff Lewis]

Isn't that funny? Very interesting. America's sweetheart. And I'm Lillian's favorite. What does that tell you?

[Jackie Schimmel]

It is true. You got a big spread. You're the centerfold of her binder.

[Jeff Lewis]

You're one way on camera. And you're another way off.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Wow.

[Jeff Lewis]

I happen to be nicer off camera.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It is true. It is true.

[Jeff Lewis]

All right, so good luck, Jackie.

[Jackie Schimmel]

But by the way, why wouldn't she even just respond to me and say sorry? Like, I don't think it's a fit?

[Jeff Lewis]

That's why I think she's not confrontational.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Lying here.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No. Right, because then just say she's not lying. I sent her three text messages.

[Jeff Lewis]

Jackie's lying.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I'm not. I just need someone to watch the child so that I can have something to look forward to. I'm not taking care of that baby during those nights. I can't do it. I'll unravel. I'll die.

[Jeff Lewis]

You cannot do it. You and no sleep.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, no, no. It's not good for anybody. It's bad. It's bad for all of us.

[Jeff Lewis]

It's bad for Jeff Lewis Live.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It's bad for the country.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

Twink Death.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah. What's up?

[Jeff Lewis]

That's your special. Do you want to promote it?

[Zach Noe Towers]

It's on YouTube for free. What a steal. It's almost got 60,000 views, which is enough for me to not self harm. And people are loving it. I think the LA Times is gonna write it up for Pride Month.

[Jeff Lewis]

Well, hopefully they'll get the title correct, unlike Page Six.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I know they said twink to death. I'm like, it was from a gay guy. I was like, babe. What? That's not a phrase.

[Jeff Lewis]

That means they didn't watch it.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, yeah, definitely. Nobody's watching it. Nobody.

[Jeff Lewis]

Nobody.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Interviewing is Watching it.

[Jeff Lewis]

I watched it.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You were there.

[Jeff Lewis]

I was there.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And it. But did you clip through the. The actual special? Because it turned out good.

[Jeff Lewis]

I didn't need to. I was there. It was good.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I know, but you didn't see it filmed from, like, eight angles.

[Jeff Lewis]

What are we going to do with all that unsold merch? I know, right? We have a lot of it. I know.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I can see why people start to just give things away. To be clear, I have made my money back and then some, but not what I thought I was going to. And I am sitting on some DVDs and some T shirts.

[Jackie Schimmel]

That's okay.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And posters.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, hold on to them. They'll be vintage. We'll do a RE edition.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You're right.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

A RE release.

[Jeff Lewis]

Are you doing a mommy makeover when you're done?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

What's the plans?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay. Thank you so much for asking. We are doing a reduction lift. We're doing lipo in the back.

[Jeff Lewis]

Will there be scars?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Weight reduction lift.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I'm gonna go see Dr. Teitelbaum. I think it's the best.

[Jeff Lewis]

Expensive, probably.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah. I gotta see what. What numbers.

[Jeff Lewis]

Right. But we don't want any scars.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, we're not doing scars.

[Jeff Lewis]

And then. Are you going small?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Do people ask for scars? No, they're just, like. They're unavoidable in certain cases, yes.

[Jackie Schimmel]

You kind of got to be careful.

[Jeff Lewis]

You're not doing an implant, then. You're just doing it.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No good.

[Jeff Lewis]

You don't need one.

[Jackie Schimmel]

A reduction lift.

[Jeff Lewis]

What are we thinking? A C? Full C? C, Small C, Small C? Yeah. Because when you get back to your goal weight, you're going to be tiny again.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I want to.

[Jeff Lewis]

So you don't want too big.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Small boob. I'm probably going to do, like, an assortment of lipo from, like, the forehead down to the ankles. Just like, wherever they could hit me. I want to bang for the buck once I'm under.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Let's get creative. Do it.

[Jeff Lewis]

Wait.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Do they put the boob fat somewhere else? Is that a thing?

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, I want them to take it out.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Right.

[Jeff Lewis]

And just flush it.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Like, put it in your ass or something.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Don't they relocate fat or whatever.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I want a big, fat ass. It's not for me.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Maybe Jeff can have the boob fat.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I'll save for you if you'd like.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah, I'll take it. I'm so curious. Would you please just call Lillian?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I. No, we're not speaking.

[Jeff Lewis]

Just call her on the air.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

They're not speaking terms.

[Jackie Schimmel]

We're not speaking.

[Jeff Lewis]

Come on.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, no. It's not a fit.

[Jeff Lewis]

Is this. Are you serious right now?

[Jackie Schimmel]

Taking the power dynamic back.

[Jeff Lewis]

Wow.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It's not a fit.

[Jeff Lewis]

Put your kid first.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Ooh. It's not a fit.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It's not a fit.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Just get an AI robot thing.

[Jackie Schimmel]

It ain't a fit.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Be like, flip the baby every 30 minutes.

[Jackie Schimmel]

You thank Christ with her suggested date.

[Jeff Lewis]

That's how I know you are not telling the truth.

[Jackie Schimmel]

About what?

[Jeff Lewis]

About what you told her.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Because the next logical call would be like, there is a misunderstanding. Let's clear this up.

[Jeff Lewis]

No bed, metal chair. Sit next to the baby, stare all night.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Eyes wide. Eyes wide open. Like clockwork Orange.

[Jeff Lewis]

She's gonna put two pics in her eyes.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yes.

[Jeff Lewis]

Not healthy.

[Jackie Schimmel]

I have a hanging light bulb with

[Unidentified Male Caller]

a string on it.

[Jackie Schimmel]

One hanging light bulb, a metal chair, and bars on the windows. It's Alcatraz Island.

[Jeff Lewis]

She also probably told her you won't be eating while you're here either.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, that'll be me.

[Jeff Lewis]

Wow.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

Interesting how she doesn't want to fix

[Zach Noe Towers]

do some night nurses breastfeed.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, no. I'll send up a. I'll send a follow up text for sure and be like, I'm sorry. I think perhaps there was a bit of confusion.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I think it's called a wet nurse.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Of course.

[Jeff Lewis]

Just in case I accidentally get pregnant again.

[Jackie Schimmel]

No, totally. I'm gonna say I. I feel like maybe there was. That'd be a geriatric pregnancy communication, but I wish you well.

[Jeff Lewis]

All right. Rosewood, Santa Barbara. That's your place. That is your.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Oh, God.

[Jeff Lewis]

That's your. Disneyland. Correct, Correct. Okay, so recently, you go there often? Checked in and they started telling you what a great upgrade they have for you.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yes.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay, so what happened?

[Jackie Schimmel]

I would just like to go on record and say that I love this hotel and I will be back a million more times.

[Jeff Lewis]

Not after today. When I'm done.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Okay, cool. Thank you.

[Jeff Lewis]

I'm just kidding.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Another bridge burn. No nightmares. No Disneyland. I was just, you know, I don't know if it's the hormones or whatever it was. They said, oh, we upgraded, you know, to a bungalow. I was like, thank you so much. That's so lovely. Okay. They said it's just gonna be a little bit longer. So, you know, with the babies, with the nap, it's. We're supposed to get an earlier check in, but I thought if the room's gonna be better, we wait a while, we. We ixnay the nap, and we go with the flow. Okay, so we're waiting. We get into the room. Now, here's the thing. Yes. Is it a room type upgrade? Yes. But is it a square footage upgrade? No, it's a downgrade of the square footage. Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

So you got three people in that suite.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Yeah. So I put Clyde's crib in the closet as a lady does, because I'm a very, you know, neurotic hovercraft of a mother that requires Alcatraz conditions for night nurses. I shove my son in the closet like a lady, okay. And I'm looking around, and I'm just thinking, I'm a bigger person now, literally. And I don't know if this is gonna work, so I go back to the front desk and I say, hey, guys, thanks so much. Is there any other room with a little bit more space? Because if the, you know, if the. If the normal king room is 590 square feet, this one's only 500 square feet, then it's so embarrassing. Everyone's checking in. There's a long line. It was not great. I went back, like, three times. It was. I was mortified. It was embarrassing.

[Jeff Lewis]

Wasn't an upgrade. They didn't have your room. Well, I hate when they do that.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Missing. And then Clyde. I didn't have diapers. I didn't have wipes. And then I started getting a little levitating. They were very busy. I was being. And I'm, like, overly nice in those situations. Probably too much. So where I get. It was not great.

[Jeff Lewis]

Well, hopefully you're a little nicer than you are in those interviews with night nurses.

[Jackie Schimmel]

Clearly. Clearly.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Did they end up giving you the downgrade?

[Jackie Schimmel]

No. Then they gave me the most Parker shout out at the front desk of the Rosewood. Got a gorgeous, gorgeous room.

[Jeff Lewis]

Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis live every weekday on Sirius xm as well as the Jeff Lewis Channel exclusively on the SiriusXM app. All new drinks are now at McDonald's, like the Strawberry watermelon refresher and the Sprite Berry Blast topped with cold foam. Who knew ice cream cold drinks could be so fire? Try them all now at McDonald's. Refreshers contain caffeine.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

It's the Smuckers Uncrustables podcast with your host, Uncrustables. Okay, today's guest is rough around the edges. Please welcome crust.

[Jeff Lewis]

Thanks for having me.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Today's topic is round with soft pillowy bread.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Hey.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Filled with delicious PB and J.

[Jeff Lewis]

Are you talking about yourself?

[Unidentified Male Caller]

And you can take them anywhere.

[Jeff Lewis]

Why'd you invite.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

And we are out of time.

[Jeff Lewis]

Are you really cutting me off? Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Sorry, crust.