Kym Whitley & Caroline Rhea: Pools & Prison Clothes

Summary

Podcast Summary: Jeff Lewis Has Issues

Episode: Kym Whitley & Caroline Rhea: Pools & Prison Clothes
Release Date: April 3, 2026
Host: Jeff Lewis
Guests: Kym Whitley, Caroline Rhea

---

Overview of Episode

This episode delivers on Jeff Lewis’s promise of no-filter, comedic chaos, and unfiltered takes on personal drama. Joined by comedians Kym Whitley and Caroline Rhea, the trio dives into tales of messy home renovations, pool drama, prison etiquette, comically disastrous travel stories, and secrets about their everyday lives. True to form, Jeff lets his guests riff, argue, and roast one another while exposing the quirks of fame, friendship, and family.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Kym’s Neverending Pool Saga

• Pool Renovation Fiasco:

  • The group detailed hilarious back-and-forth arguments over Kym’s pool depth, pool men disasters, and the saga of deciding between safety rails and step heights.
  • Quip: Kym jokes about her “cinnamon roll” breasts as flotation devices, the difficulties of getting her hair wet, and the ongoing retrofitting of the pool to satisfy each new wish.

• Debate Over Pool Guy Quality:

  • Relatable “bad pool guy” stories turned into a frustrated competition about who had it worst.
  • Jeff: “You better fire that pool man because he is not gonna… I mean, this is… we’re doing Pebble Tech… I don't want your pool man to ruin it.” (04:20)
  • Insight: Maintaining a pool is surprisingly expensive and difficult, with Jeff describing his pool as “having a mortgage.”

• Decision Fatigue and Control Issues:

  • Both Jeff and Caroline discuss Kym’s indecisiveness and need for control, calling her out—humorously—on second-guessing every renovation.
  • Caroline: “She has, like, a selective memory. So right now, I'm telling you live on the radio, tomorrow, your tile is going in at 7am.” (14:01)

• Safety Hazards:

  • The hosts crack jokes about steps so steep “you fall,” and Kym’s desire for a discreet, emerging handrail.
  • Jeff (sarcastically): “How about something that guarantees you'll be electrocuted the minute you get in the pool? How about a lightning rod?” (15:26)

---

2. The Gift Basket – Prison Themes & Comedic Banter (10:00–13:00)

• Unboxing the Gift:

  • The trio delightfully unpacks a gift basket filled with luxury and oddities: caviar, sardines, mustard, chapstick, liquor, and even magnum condoms—prompting ribald humor.
  • Kym: “The prisoners, they eat sardines with crackers and mustard. So I felt like instead of your caviar, you needed to get with the people.” (10:49)

• Notable Quote:

  • Jeff (re condoms): “God, I haven’t used those in years.” (11:31)
  • Caroline: “Can I borrow the safety pin?” (11:58)

• Underlying Insight:

  • The prison theme sets up a segue to tales about dating ex-inmates, prison fashion faux pas, and the sometimes absurd etiquette for prison visitations.

---

3. Prison Visits, Clothes, and Dating (23:00–29:00)

• Prison Visitation Wisdom:

  • Caroline recounts being admonished for wearing “too tight” pants when visiting a male prison.
  • Caroline: "They said, your pants are too tight. And he’s smiling at me, me, 100%. They are in no way provocative." (27:13)

• Dating Prisoners:

  • Kym admits to dating men who later went to prison (for conspiracy/drugs)—sharing how she’d send care packages of sardines, crackers, and mustard.
  • Kym: “I didn't date them. When they came out, they went in and then they were a prisoner. That's how I know about sending the care package.” (24:20)

• Prison Etiquette:

  • Informative and hilarious: tight clothes are a no-go, and visitors often end up shopping at Kmart to change.
  • Guests joke about needing "prison boxes" and care packages, and Caroline riffs on being recognized from Sabrina the Teenage Witch by prison guards.

---

4. Friendship, House Chaos, and Maximalist Living (17:00–21:30)

• House Design and “Stuff”:

  • Jeff and Kym good-naturedly roast Caroline for being a hoarder or maximalist; Caroline defends her curated style.
  • Kym: "Mine are browns and muted colors. Hers are pinks and yellows. You walk in and you're just like, it's beautiful." (17:58)

• Blind Interior Designer Revelation:

  • Caroline reveals her art hanger/designer is legally blind—which, after initial disbelief, is marveled at for her unique talent.
  • Caroline: “Colette is legally blind, and she's the most talented... She does all of this. How does she do it? I don't know!” (22:04)

---

5. Hilarious Italy Vacation Disasters (35:00–41:00)

• Adventure & Mishaps:
  • The pair relive an Italian vacation, including hat store escapades, suspicious passport white-out, oddball tour guides, and scorpion-filled villas.
  • Caroline (passport): “You put white out on your passport?"
  • Kym (nonplussed): "Absolutely. Why you need to know how old I am?” (36:06)
• Scorpions and Avoidance:
  • Kym is so scared she watches "Shark Tale 3" in her room instead of sightseeing.

---

6. Parenting & Sneaky Eating (48:17–49:20)

• Kym’s “Mom Guilt” Tricks:

  • Kym confesses to eating fast food in the garage so her son Joshua won’t ask for it, and jokes about “anti-chicken spray” to hide the evidence.
  • Jeff and Kym share strategies for avoiding “parental food theft” detection.
  • Kym (on Chick-fil-A): “Pull in the garage, eat it real fast. Then you have to spray because if they smell the chicken on you...” (49:18)

• Wallet Theft at School:

  • Joshua’s wallet is stolen at public school; the teacher offers little sympathy.
  • Kym: “She said, yeah, it’s supposed to get stolen. ...That’s what the teacher told him.” (48:21)

---

7. Tour Dates and Comic Closer (46:07–48:02)

• Both comedians promote upcoming dates, riffing about the exhaustion and absurdity of road comedy at their age.
• Caroline: “If there are any twin men in their late 90s, preferably a terminal illness that won’t cause them any pain, that would like to marry us so we can stop doing this road work...” (46:30)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Pool Depth Fights:

  • Caroline: “Hers does. There, that.”
  • Jeff: “Okay, but we’re not seeing nipple, Kim. ...The nipple's tucked under. It's rolled up like a cinnamon bun. When you get old, that's what happened. Just roll them on up.” (02:06)

• On Prison Clothing:

  • Caroline: “I spoke quite extensively to the prison stylist before I arrived here... they go, don't wear a white cotton shirt or khaki pants. And I said, I won't, because I don't work for Southwest Airlines.” (25:30)

• On Comedy Career Fatigue:

  • Caroline: “We work for FedEx.” (47:38)

• On Parenting:

  • Kym: “Pull in the garage, eat it real fast. Then you have to spray because if they smell the chicken on you...” (49:18)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Pool Renovation Drama: 02:21–17:00
• Gift Basket Unpacking (Prison Theme): 10:00–13:00
• House Design, Hoarding, and Friendship Roasting: 17:00–21:30
• Blind Interior Designer Revelation: 21:50–22:18
• Prison Visitation & Dating Stories: 23:00–29:00
• Italy Vacation Stories: 35:00–41:00
• Parenting, School Theft & Sneaky Eating: 48:17–49:20
• Tour Date Banter: 46:07–48:02

---

Tone and Language

The episode’s tone is irreverent, fast-paced, and playful, buoyed by three personalities who embrace roasting, self-deprecation, and sharp observational humor. Comedic exaggeration and improv keep the conversation lively. The language is casual, R-rated, and as candid as the “issues” demand.

---

For new listeners:
This episode captures the heart of Jeff Lewis Has Issues: real-life mess meets comic therapy. Whether you’re eyeing a pool reno nightmare, curious about prison etiquette, or just in need of a hearty laugh at the chaos of friendship and family, this one’s a treat.

---

Transcript

[A]

So you're saying with Hilton Honors, I can use points for a three night stay anywhere?

[B]

Anywhere.

[A]

What about fancy places like the canopy in Paris? Yeah, Hilton Honors, baby. Or relaxing sanctuaries like the Conrad in Tulum?

[B]

Hilton Honors, baby.

[A]

Ooh, what about the five star Waldorf Astoria in the Maldives? Are you gonna do this for all 9,000 properties? When you want points that can take you anywhere, anytime? It matters where you stay. Hilton for the stay, book your spring break now. Ondeck is built to back small businesses like yours. Whether you're buying equipment, expanding your team, or bridging cash flow gaps, Ondeck's loans up to $400,000 help make it happen fast. Rated A by the Better Business Bureau and earning thousands of five star trust pilot reviews, Ondeck delivers funding you can count on. Apply in [e-mail] depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by Ondeck or Celtic Bank. Ondeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans, an amount subject to lender approval. When you're Jeff Lewis, the drama stops.

[C]

They said that I am by far the most difficult talent that they're working with. You know, we could say we don't judge. I judge and I was judging. Money doesn't make you an asshole. But if you're an asshole and with a ton of money, you're gonna be a bigger asshole. Why are you looking at me? No, I didn't. I didn't mean to.

[A]

I didn't mean to look at that direction. Jeff Lewis has issues.

[C]

Hey, welcome to Jeff Lewis has Issues. In today's episode, Kim Whitley and Caroline Ray join the show. We talk about Kim's pool renovations and snow, sneaky eating habits, Plus Caroline's inappropriate wardrobe while visiting her friend in prison. The ladies are getting settled. They're putting on their headsets. That is a very good color on you, Caroline.

[A]

Right now I'm getting a for improvement.

[B]

It makes no sense, Jeff. She's going to take my safety pin. That's covering up my titties. To cover up her titties. Because she said this is ridiculous.

[A]

Because hers are better. Better to look at.

[B]

Why didn't you grab a safety pin on the way to the house?

[A]

Because I wanted you to have something to. Wait. Does no one here have a safety pin?

[C]

No, no, no, we don't.

[A]

Okay. I would like to just say something.

[C]

Well, let it go. Let me see. Let it go. Does it open up?

[B]

Okay, look, mine does.

[A]

Hers does. There, that.

[C]

Okay, but we're not seeing nipple, Kim. We're not seeing nipple.

[B]

Wait. Well, you can't, because the nipple's tucked under. It's rolled up like a cinnamon bun. When you get old, that's what happened. Just roll them on up.

[C]

So now Kim and I are working together. We should talk about. What do you mean?

[B]

Nothing. I told her.

[A]

I go, oh, he's gonna do your. This is what she tells me. She goes, he's gonna do your bedroom. Cause I wanted to help her with her bedroom. And Jeff Lewis is gonna. I go, oh, my God. Jeff Lewis is gonna do amazing. Then I go, he's taking out the pool. I go, what are you getting, a waterbed? Like, what's happening?

[B]

Yeah, it's a lot going on. I didn't know.

[C]

Caroline, you've been to the house, right?

[B]

Okay, the tone.

[A]

I've been in the time machine.

[C]

I just. I don't even know where to start on the interior. It just. It's a lot. A lot of stuff in there. So I just thought, you know, it's gonna be easier, I think, if I start in the backyard. So we're working on the pool.

[A]

By the way, I hope you're coming back for seven seasons. It's a big house.

[C]

I told her that. I told her that. But we're doing the pool and the tennis court right now. Right, Kim?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What are you gonna do to the tennis court?

[C]

Oh, it needs a refresh.

[B]

Like, we need. Seen it.

[C]

It needs paint. It needs new netting. It needs. What are those? The.

[A]

The posts need read.

[C]

Yeah, the privacy. You know, the privacy liners around the privacy screen. That's all torn. The winds tore it apart.

[B]

The fire winds the thing and Joshua's friends.

[C]

But we've had a. But Caroline, it's. You know, she's not totally decisive. So we've been going back and forth about the pool depth because the pool is so deep. I don't know when they built that pool.

[A]

They won't. I have a pool that's, like, grandfathered in from the 70s, and it's 12ft. You can't have it. It can't be. When I bought the house, it had a diving board.

[B]

Yes, mine did too. Yours is 12ft.

[A]

12ft.

[B]

Look at that, Jeff. See, I told you six would have been okay.

[C]

Six was too deep.

[A]

No, it's not. Thank you. You wanna be able to jump in. I have a pool.

[B]

I have a pool now because of Jeff. I have a. Jeff, you said you wanted. You said you wanted it at 6.

[C]

Oh, my God, this whole thing.

[B]

Now Joshua's upset because the big wall was deceiving. I forgot that's not where it's a whole thing.

[A]

What was wrong with the pool was the pool. I liked the pool.

[C]

Oh, it was green. And you better fire that pool man because he is not gonna. I mean, this is. I mean, we're doing Pebble Tech. We're doing all new tile. I don't want your pool man to ruin it.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

I'm probably gonna have to get a new pool.

[C]

No, you have to. He's terrible.

[A]

I have to. No, he doesn't listen to the show. This is so. Shut up, pool man. What's very. It's very hard to find a really great. My pool guy is so amazing now, but I went through some seriously bad pool guys.

[C]

We found a good one now. But I. But so the house I'm in. That guy's terrible. But he already ruined the plaster like your guy did, so I now have to redo it.

[A]

I know, but what happens with the plaster if your house is a certain age? It's the pipes. There's certain stuff in the old pipes that come in and. Because I re plastered my pool and then it looks like 12 pigeons peed in it every day for a month.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I know. I'm gonna do pebble tap like we're doing at Kim's. And then we're getting. We have to get you into a pool guy because he's not gonna maintain it. But the problem is, is that.

[A]

And he's also gotta be. I mean, we've got to go through that.

[B]

Another Aries in my life, please. Not another Aries.

[C]

So you've got. So you have. You have a good pool guy now?

[A]

I do.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Because he's so good. He actually gets angry with me if like he's a little too in charge.

[C]

But anyway, I just. I just hired a new one because we're in the same neighborhood. I hired a new one, Lupe, who's great so far, but if not, they'll get the name of your guy.

[A]

My guy's amazing.

[C]

Okay. So Kim.

[A]

It's also, by the way, your pool has a mortgage. It is so expensive. I know this sounds ridiculous, but like it's so expensive maintaining a pool. Well, a 12 foot pool. Yeah, that's.

[C]

That's one of the reasons why we bring it up. Because it's easier to heat.

[B]

That's what he told me.

[A]

I know.

[C]

So I can. I can turn on my pool heater in the morning and it's.

[A]

I can turn on my pool Peter. But I dunno, I don't know. There were so.

[C]

And it's heated by the end of the day. But with your pools, there's too deep. So yours was about eight, at least eight feet. So. But you. You give me mixed messages because you said that you don't want to get your hair wet, you want to walk across with a drink.

[B]

You know, Joshua wants to be.

[C]

That's what she told me.

[A]

But she has a little. I know now he can't jump in the pool.

[B]

He can't dive in the pool. And he's very upset. He went out there and saw Robert because I was asleep. I didn't know Robert was going to have the cement poured in there that fast. And I woke up and it was too late. But then Victor was very nice. He took a shovel and he started digging up and he dug up at least three more inches. And I was like.

[C]

Of wet concrete. So let me tell you what happened.

[A]

First of all, how many times are we going to have to dig up another three inches, Kim? Aren't we old enough yet? Can't we be happy with what we have?

[C]

This was the second time we poured concrete because we poured the first layer of concrete and we decided on six feet, which we thought was a happy medium. Joshua can't dive, but he can jump in. So then we pour the six. And then she calls me up on a Saturday morning. It's too deep. It's too deep. I'm getting my hair wet.

[B]

You're not an artist like I am. Sorry, Jeff. He can't see. I said, jeff, look at the slip. It went like this and then it went like that and then it went down because now I'm going to fall down the ski slope pulls it deeper.

[C]

It goes from three to six.

[B]

What do you want? I wanted the extra concrete in the middle so it can go like this and then jump down and you're like, I hate pools like that.

[C]

She wanted me to go straight with a drop off. Yes. I don't. People will drown.

[B]

Islands.

[A]

People will drown. No, no, stop it. Don't say that.

[B]

What?

[A]

People will not drown. Let's look at the pretty gifts we got.

[C]

No, they won't drown because we have it at a slope.

[B]

Well, it's over now. It's over.

[C]

So then I said, fine, I'll get the concrete guy back out. And we bring. We'd electric.

[A]

I love that you have another Aries to fight with. This.

[C]

Is we electric to go to five? We go to five. And then she's screaming at him that it's too shallow now.

[B]

No way.

[C]

So the guy is shoveling Wet concrete out of the pool.

[A]

He's pouring. He's shoveling. He's pouring.

[C]

I told you he was pouring.

[B]

There was no one with a yard stick.

[C]

I didn't know he was pouring. I said, we just spoke to him together on Saturday on speakerphone where he said he was going to be there Monday at 7.

[B]

Should have texted it. And then we would have receipts.

[C]

And then.

[A]

This is like therapy. Your whole show angle has changed.

[C]

Then she yells at me, I had to put a bra on. By the time I got out there, that's what she said. She goes, I had to put my bra on. By the time I put my bra on and I got outside, it was poured.

[B]

The whole pool was done.

[A]

She had to cut the cinnamon rolls.

[B]

It was a lot going on. I heard the machine outside and I ran. And I was like, oh, my God. I said, what is going on? And I looked out the back and I was like, oh, my God, they're pouring the concrete. So I ran back to the second

[A]

time I was on the phone.

[B]

I had to put the bra on. I had to grab the wig next to me. Then I had to find some shoes. Oh, I'm sorry. I had to put on some pants because I didn't want to scare Robert. So I ran out. Then I forgot about my mustache. Had to do a quick shave. And then I ran out there.

[A]

Oh, my.

[C]

Are you seriously eating on radio?

[A]

Why did you bring snackers? I'm sorry, Caroline, you can't eat on radio.

[B]

On the ground. Why did you. These were Jeff's gift.

[A]

Oh, they were.

[B]

Yes, they were.

[C]

You just opened my gift.

[A]

I'm so sorry. I thought this was our snack bag. They haven't. Caroline, I got you a chocolate croissant. You did?

[B]

Don't. Your show was.

[A]

I'm showing him our gift, but we

[B]

gotta show it from the.

[C]

Why is there mustard in the flowers?

[A]

Everyone puts that red wine.

[B]

There is in there.

[C]

What is in there? We're looking at a beautiful spread of

[A]

flowers, but then tucked in our little things. This is caviar. Is it, Jeff?

[B]

Now, listen, we argued about this because I got you. Listen, I don't eat caviar. That stuff is expensive. I love it. But I got you some real caviar. That. Here, pull out that can with something in there. There's a.

[A]

We're just falling shots. Falling chapstick.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

Love it.

[C]

I love chapstick. That's a great gift.

[B]

You know, we. That goes with. If you keep.

[C]

Why does there.

[B]

Mustard.

[A]

Yellow mustard.

[B]

There is.

[C]

I love it. Justin, Dustin, it's great.

[A]

Justin.

[C]

Justin. Cab love. This was a.

[B]

This was a three day argument about this basket.

[A]

There's a giant bottle of Chopin that

[B]

we will use some chocolates.

[A]

These are chocolates that you'll never eat. But we will when we come over. There's not a chance.

[C]

Okay, I'll keep those for you.

[A]

Okay, you can just.

[B]

Yes, keep going.

[A]

And then this is the other whitefish caviar. There's two caviars.

[B]

It's too much. It's very expensive arguing with you. Here, put it down. Dig in. Get in there, Caroline, and pull out the stuff.

[A]

Stop bossing me. Good Lord, woman. I am an adult and this.

[B]

I don't even.

[C]

What is that?

[B]

It's supposed to be in a can.

[A]

I don't know why. It is a source of omega 3.

[B]

It's not sardines.

[A]

I thought it was gross.

[B]

I gave them sardines.

[A]

I know because I brought you this. It's a shame one of your guests already opened part of your gift.

[B]

No, because the prisoners, they eat sardines with crackers and mustard. So I felt like instead of your caviar, you needed to get with the people.

[C]

We were debating this.

[B]

Yes. When you send them a care package, they always want to. Sardines.

[A]

You know what? Kim's on a very low rent dating app and.

[C]

Wait, are you serious?

[A]

Really responded?

[C]

How would you know what prisoners want to eat?

[B]

Because they.

[C]

They DM you.

[B]

They DM her?

[A]

Yeah. They're gonna use their one phone call. Kim, send more crackers.

[B]

But this was the big argument. You ready? Go ahead, show em.

[A]

Okay. Magnum. Rod. The box seems like it was really beaten. Magnum.

[C]

Condoms.

[A]

Yeah, condoms.

[B]

And this was the big argument.

[C]

God, I haven't used those in years.

[B]

That's the problem.

[A]

That's the Rob Levin.

[B]

No, the problem was the size.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, you wanted to go smaller.

[B]

She did.

[A]

I did not.

[C]

You thought I had a small penis.

[A]

I did not.

[B]

Look at his face.

[A]

Look at his hands. I didn'.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I thought that this was the right size.

[B]

This is the heavy magnums.

[C]

And then you thought they're too big and they're gonna slip off.

[B]

I thought maybe you should take a rubber band.

[C]

Can I borrow the safety pin?

[A]

You know what? You can do the cinnamon roll technique. It can be used for both men. And I. I got a renovation joke.

[C]

Well, that's a very thoughtful gift.

[A]

I have a renovation joke for you. Just you.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. You know how everyone has a friend that they bring it back to them no matter what they're talking about?

[C]

We're all looking at Kim.

[A]

Okay? So I was telling my friend, I said, I'm getting my kitchen renovated. And she said, as if it was the most natural segue. I just had vaginal rejuvenation. I was like, well, I kind of see? All right. And then she said, you should totally get it. And I said, you know what? I feel much more confident that someone will go in my kitchen again.

[B]

Thank you. Large spaces.

[A]

You know why?

[C]

That wasn't you that did it, huh?

[A]

No, you've all missed the joke. Can I tell you?

[C]

What do you mean? You've done several things.

[A]

This is the problem. This very supportive audience sits in the front row of a comedy club. You know what the problem is?

[B]

They did sit down.

[A]

Too much Botox. If they were laughing, no one could tell.

[B]

That's right. It's true. Too much Botox.

[C]

Can I tell you something, though? I don't know if I made you work harder or what, Caroline, but you are great at crowd work. I've seen a lot of comedians. You are genius at crowd work.

[A]

Well, thank you very much. Thank you. Because when I started in, you know, 1800, when you'd have to go out in the crowds and gather strangers during

[C]

a hanging, I strongly suggest you see Caroline Ray her stand up live.

[A]

How about kimmies?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I mean, let's get through the pool.

[C]

Yeah, we gotta finish the pool.

[B]

Oh, my God. It's a five foot. It's five foot all the way across.

[C]

No, it's not. Because you removed concrete.

[B]

No, we didn't remove it. You know we did.

[C]

Yes, you did.

[B]

No, we didn't. He shoveled it and pushed it forward. I was there micromanaging. We shoveled it. We pushed it forward.

[C]

But you're five and a half feet now. You're five and a half feet. Your tile's going in tomorrow at 7am don't call me and be like, why?

[A]

I didn't know they were here.

[C]

You didn't tell me they were coming.

[A]

I'm sorry. She will call you. No, no. This is a Leo to your area. She will call you. She will call you for the rest of your life. Every time she goes in that pool,

[C]

she has, like, a selective memory. So right now, I'm telling you live on the radio tomorrow, your tile is

[B]

going in at 7am not until I jackhammer foot down. It's gonna be what it's gonna be. It is. Once we put the tile in, then the pebble thing.

[C]

The one thing that I do think you're right about is the steps are Deep. And I thought of you because I went in my Jacuzzi last night and I stepped down and I almost fell in the Jacuzzi because the first step is so damn deep. Shut up, Annie. But you have the same problem with your house.

[B]

That deep.

[A]

First step.

[B]

I don't know why.

[C]

Step is like, yeah, you fall. You fall.

[B]

You fall down. I asked for a rail, a little safety handle. Jeff was like, I hate those things. I was like, what about.

[C]

Yeah, but I'm wondering if we can take a little bit of that concrete and bring those steps up because it is too deep. You're right.

[B]

You're right. I did ask.

[C]

I mean, we had to hold each other going down into the hole.

[B]

That's why I said, I need a little rail.

[A]

Well, that's not good.

[C]

It's not good.

[A]

You gotta fix that. Because Benjamin.

[B]

Benjamin. Why couldn't I put a little sexy.

[A]

Benjamin's friend Lisa's son. And I would say it instead of Joshua. I was getting best friends, children.

[C]

It's more of people that are just, you know, a little over 40 that we're worried about. We're not worried about the kids.

[B]

No, we're not worried about the kids. But over 40. That's why I said, can we put a little sexy rail? You said, there is. How about a black iron rod or a clear.

[A]

How about something that guarantees you'll be electrocuted the minute you get in the pool? How about a lightning rod? How about a lightning rod that is at an angle that as you go in, you're electrocuted?

[B]

Okay, how about a cane?

[C]

Every time I'm there, there's a new assistant. I don't know how many people are

[A]

on that payrol tell you, this is my life. I. I know this. I. This is so funny. Like, first of all, none of her on the payroll. None of them. They're all volunteers who want to be around Kim. None of them.

[C]

Because the one on Saturday was not a genius.

[A]

Excuse me. She pays them in Michael's coupons. I am not kidding. She's not a woman who spends money.

[C]

She goes, what about. Okay. She goes, I have an idea.

[B]

Oh, she did.

[C]

She goes, let me. She goes, hear me out. And I thought it was going to be a smart idea. She said, what if we press a button and the railing comes up from the ground?

[B]

Okay. I thought that was pretty good.

[C]

I'm like, this girl's a moron.

[A]

No. Oh, my God.

[B]

It's horrible.

[A]

All the technology. Yeah, okay.

[B]

I thought it was pretty smart.

[A]

Like, what if we got Ariel from the Little Mermaid, but only part time. And then she could cover the rent on that.

[B]

And then she said, circles. Like if you put. Forget it. We gotta fix that. A rail or some.

[A]

I'm telling you about Kim. She must have minions. She needs to be in charge. She's Alexis Carrington from Dynasty. And you, it turns out, are Linda Evans.

[C]

There's a lot of people. So you've gone to that house.

[A]

I lived at that house.

[C]

There's interns everywhere.

[A]

Sonia Morgan, interns. Well, first of all, one room has been made over by a design company Back. Which room?

[B]

The. Oh, my God.

[A]

Look at the face.

[C]

Which one?

[A]

Oh, my God, he's so mean.

[B]

The Adu. The kitchen part. The new. It's not really off the.

[C]

You do have a nice closet. That new Closet Edition is nice. It's huge.

[A]

Please. It's bigger than my first apartment.

[C]

No, it's crazy.

[A]

It's ridiculous.

[C]

It's a huge closet.

[A]

I know.

[C]

And full.

[A]

You know what Liberace sublets that closet. He goes back from the dead and sleeps in it because it makes him feel happy with all the fur.

[C]

Now, I'm not. I know you guys are good friends, and I don't want to throw Kim under the bus, but she said, you should see Caroline's house if you think I'm bad. Bitch. You did say that.

[A]

Bitch. Absolutely. And luckily, I have a lazy eye on you. You did say that. Did you hear a bitch? We all heard.

[C]

Did you hear her say that?

[B]

She said. Well, what I meant was.

[C]

What did you mean?

[B]

I'm a collector of things. What do you think?

[A]

Maximalist chaos. I am like one line. You're like, this is so pretty. I have to be hospitalized. I don't know why, but I have to be hospital.

[B]

But hers is different. Mine are browns and muted colors. Hers are pinks and yellows. You walk in and you're just like, it's beautiful.

[A]

My house is very beautiful, very bright. Nobody ever leaves it. People come for two weeks, four days later, I'm like, get out.

[B]

I was gonna say.

[C]

Well, you posted. I think it was your daughter's room and I thought. Was really cute.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Yeah, it's. Yours is a little dark.

[B]

She redid her room.

[C]

It's a little dark in your room.

[A]

It's not her fault. It's. The structure of that house is bad 70s architecture.

[C]

And there's a lot of big mature trees, so there's not a lot. A ton of light. But there's a lot of stuff in that house.

[A]

Mine is. Look at look at this one. Yeah, we like. Oh, no, he's okay. Minimalist. How much stuff is in your house?

[B]

Nothing.

[C]

All right, before you defend your friend, I'm gonna tell you what else she said.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

She said that you will buy her antiques and that she feels an obligation to display them.

[B]

I have to display them.

[C]

And then you were criticizing some of the art.

[B]

Which art? Oh, the black. Oh, the black art. I said care life.

[C]

What did you say?

[B]

I said caroline loves the black art, but she knows she can't put it in her house.

[C]

What else did you say? It reminded you of something.

[B]

Oh, wait a minute.

[A]

I cannot believe you. You are such.

[B]

I said your art. No, you don't like historian.

[A]

Look at my body language.

[C]

I love the artist turned away from pimp.

[B]

I love the art. But it's right next to slavery the pieces.

[A]

Oh, my God. It is not.

[B]

But I have that whole collect in my kitchen.

[A]

Excuse me.

[B]

So Caroline knows that tray I absolutely love.

[A]

I bought this tray for Kim, and Kim says I want that. Without before me even giving it to her.

[B]

I didn't want the tray.

[A]

And now. You know what? Can you redo my. I have a new place. It's under a bus. Kim threw me there. And maybe you could renovate it. It wouldn't be much lighter. There could be a pool. It's probably the right thing. No, don't say that.

[B]

She bought me some gifts, and I love that art piece, and I like my back.

[C]

Can I tell you something, Caroline?

[A]

What else did Kim say? Jeff, you're the worst marriage counselor in the world.

[B]

The worst.

[A]

This is Jeff for the marriage counselor. First. First of all, Bob would like to tell you he's sleeping with his Pilates instructor. I'm sorry, Bob. Was I not supposed to open with that? And that you're much, much younger than

[C]

you came after me defending Kim, and you had no idea what she's been saying about you, and I thought you should know.

[A]

Oh, my God, you're such a housewife.

[B]

Where is the commercial break? Are you serious?

[A]

Commercial break? It's under the bus with us.

[C]

But I'm gonna tell you.

[A]

Caroline, how are you celebrating your birthday, Caroline? Talking shit. I get to be mean to everyone. It's my birthday.

[C]

Yes, I actually think you probably have very good taste.

[A]

Thank you very much.

[C]

I think you've probably bought her some very nice things.

[B]

She does.

[C]

Unfortunately, it gets lost in the mess, so I can't see anything there because it's all piled on top of each other behind rows and rows and rows of Stuff.

[A]

Okay. Maybe you shouldn't come over to my house.

[B]

No, he can't.

[A]

Rows and rows and rows of stuff is sort of like the lyrics to look at Caroline's.

[C]

This is your daughter's room.

[A]

No, that's just the guest room.

[C]

Oh, it's the guest room.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's the new guest room.

[A]

But my sister, who is so. My sister is so funny, and she has just recently had to have all of her filters removed from her mind. And so she says, actually, I have something even prettier in their neck. So this is my sister. This I want to get to this point in my life. She literally said this to me the other day on the phone. Boring. Hanging up. That's what she said, which is how we all feel. Look, I made that little vault. There's my dog. And it's cute in there, right?

[C]

It is cute in there.

[B]

See how bright she is?

[C]

But it's curated.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

That's the problem. That's happening over at Kids.

[A]

I have a fantastic.

[C]

Nothing's curated.

[A]

Colette is my. First of all is my art hanger. She's amazing.

[C]

Look, she hates la.

[A]

This girl is amazing.

[B]

And she's.

[C]

What were you gonna say?

[A]

And she's blind.

[C]

She's blind?

[A]

Yes. What? She's blind and she does all the art curation.

[C]

Wait, you hired a design. A blind designer?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So did Kim.

[B]

Boom. Bus runs over she.

[A]

Colette is legally blind, and she's the most talented. Look, she does all of this. How does she do it? I don't know. From what she feel, by what she can see.

[B]

And I guess she looks up close because she's.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And puts it together. She does it.

[A]

She's really talented. But now I have like. Okay, all right, Stop staring.

[B]

Wait. Question. Speaking of designers. Whatever. I want to tell you, the basket was made by rainbows and butterfly. That is just a wire basket. And he went and got all the flowers, and they did that right there. The right butterfly did the most of. He is the.

[C]

I love rainbow and butterfly.

[B]

And it's just a little wire basket he got. And he was like, oh, this is for the chapstick. Put it on top of the little.

[C]

It's beautiful.

[A]

In case of emergency, the chapstick goes with the condoms. If we have to pair things.

[C]

Thank you. So we have sardines, we have caviar, we have condoms, we have mustard.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Which is. Goes with the sardines.

[B]

Yes. Because of prisoners. So prisoners.

[C]

Have you ever heard of anything like that, Caroline?

[A]

No, but do you want to know something? Really funny. I was playing cards at a casino. I had like 14 hours to wait. And these three really sweet guys, of course, because, you know, I'm very codependent. I have to make friends with everyone. And so we were talking for hours. And these three guys, I said, you guys, how do you know each other? They had all just been released from prison for murder. And I had been in for 27 years. And at first I was so Canadian. I was like this. I go, well, I'm sure everybody's wanted to murder someone sometime. And you guys actually. Oh, my God, you followed through. Like, I was like, what is wrong with you?

[C]

Carolyn said, I did stupid shit like

[A]

that too, all the time. And because you feel bad for them. And as I walked away, I said to them, I go, well, you guys, all of a sudden I was like, I gotta go, I gotta go. And they were so sweet. They were like, can we get a picture? And I'm like, like, of course you can get anything you want. Just don't hurt me. And as we're taking the picture, I'm like, okay. And as I walk away, they're like, are you on Instagram? I'm like, yes, I am. Amy Schumer.

[C]

Were they good looking?

[B]

Yeah. Were they cute?

[A]

Okay, you guys really have some issues

[B]

because, you know, when they just get out, they woo. They gonna woo. They gonna blow your back out.

[A]

Your back is blown out. No one? No. You don't need a prisoner.

[C]

Have you ever dated a prisoner?

[A]

You need a prisoner. You need a prisoner to therapy.

[B]

I didn't date them. When they came out, they went in and then they were a prisoner. That's how I know about sending the care package. There's a couple of them.

[A]

You knew him pre prisoner status? Yes.

[C]

What was he in for?

[B]

Always a conspiracy. It's called. But it's selling drugs.

[A]

Really?

[C]

I see. So he went to jail. And how long was he in jail? And did you go there for conjugal visits?

[B]

They always go in for 10. And I wasn't that deep into the relationship. No, I wasn't. I send you a basket. I'll send you a box with some sardines in it and a little mustard and some crackers. That's why I gave it to you, Jeff.

[A]

You got the prison box? That's what we asked for.

[C]

I'm a little concerned. Do you know something that I don't know?

[B]

Rainbows and butterflies. Right.

[C]

So when he got out, were you there, like, waiting for him when he got out?

[B]

No. No, I've never done that. Part. I've never actually gone into the prison and had. But I had friends that go into prison and they will send you home. You cannot wear like this. You can't have your chest out.

[A]

Oh, no, no, no.

[B]

Short squirrel.

[A]

I visited my friend in prison, and I'm sorry. It just.

[B]

I was going to visit Mike Tyson once, but. Okay, go ahead. Huh.

[C]

Wow. Okay, top that.

[A]

First of all, I went to visit my friend in prison, and when I walked in, I've never been more recognized. It was like when you applied for a job at the prison, you were like, you have watched every episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. You can work here. Never been more recognized. I go in and just like, what? They said. They said, can you back up and turn around? And I was like, what? And they said, your pants are too tight. And I said, I spoke quite extensively to the prison stylist before I arrived here, and they told me, don't. First of all, they go, don't wear a white cotton shirt or khaki pants. And I said, I won't, because I don't work for Southwest Airlines. And they said. I said, why is that? And they said, because we don't want you to be mistaken for a prisoner. And I said, I find that quite hurtful. This is an all male prison. So when I went in and they said, you pants are too tight. Turn around. And I said. He said, there's a Kmart about 16 miles away.

[B]

They do do that. Yes.

[A]

And you can go. And I said, I don't. They're like, it can't be yoga pants. I go, these pants have a zipper. Okay. So then the guy goes like this. This is the creepiest. He goes, I'm. I'm gonna call the warden. I'm gonna do you a favor. And I'm like, I don't want a favor from a guy in prison. Absolutely. Anyway, he calls the warden, and I swear to God, he's like this. He goes, listen, we have someone coming to visit. Someone. And their pants are too tight. Yeah, extremely. And I'm like this. Oh, my God. So then I lean over and I go, let me just tell you something, all right? These pants are not tight. I've been on a gluten free, sugar free diet for 10 months, and last night I ate an entire box of Russell Crow Marshmallow Santas. I'm not kidding you. This is just puffiness from the sugar.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So my whole body, it doesn't matter what I'm wearing. I'm puffy right now. They're not gonna Be like, they're all gonna be tight. And the guy goes like this. This is the most insulting thing I've ever heard. The prisoner, the guard goes like this. He goes, all right, no problem. He goes, listen, her pants are too tight, but I can guarantee you. And he's smiling at me, me, 100%. They are in no way provocative. I'm like, funny. It's an all male prison. Nobody is gonna look like people in solitary confinement. Like, no, she's very puffy. Her pants are shite. I was like, yeah. Can you believe that?

[B]

I believe it because there was a particular.

[C]

Did you have to change?

[B]

I didn't. I did not go. But I have a lot of friends that had to go down to the Kmart or the Walmart, whatever. They would send them down. They had to buy new clothes and then come back. They do not let you in.

[A]

And I was crying on my way.

[C]

Are they worried you're gonna get the mystic success?

[A]

Yes. You can't arouse anybody because what if they lose control of you in your Southwest Airlines outfit, whatever it is.

[C]

But they weren't threatened by you at all.

[A]

You know what, Jeff? I made that point. And now you're reiterating it with your little puss face going. But they weren't threatened by you at all. Do you know why? Because your pool is too deep.

[B]

Cause your pool is too deep.

[A]

But as opposed to yours where you just immediately.

[B]

Ok, I don't want to talk about the pool.

[A]

You've never been to visit anybody.

[C]

I don't know anybody in prison.

[B]

And you know what else?

[A]

This is the sad life.

[B]

You know, the housewives. Are you kidding me?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Currently in prison.

[B]

I don't know what you mean.

[C]

Currently incarcerated.

[A]

And then the saddest thing is they just want you to bring a bag of change. Because all they can do. Well, you can't bring them anything, but they can get food out of the vending machines.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Private prisons should be eliminated. They're the most evil thing.

[B]

Yeah. I've sent care packages, money on the books.

[C]

But you were saying that when these guys get out of prison, they'll break your back. That's why I was just wondering if you've ever dated someone that just got out of prison.

[B]

No. Cause I didn't want. I didn't.

[A]

You should really be directing porn. I think there's a whole other career.

[C]

I'm fascinated with the whole prison situation. You really are.

[A]

You really are.

[C]

I am fascinated.

[A]

We've struck a nerve here.

[C]

Yeah. Aren't you interested at all?

[B]

Because you don't know anyone in prison,

[C]

but once you know them, I think I do. Well in prison.

[A]

They wouldn't let you. All your pants are too small. You'd be exhausted, I'll tell you that much. And the line forms over here and hold on. I haven't. You haven't renovated your cell yet, right? Oh, all the cells are so nice.

[B]

No, no. He'll take down all the pictures and he's like, it's too much time.

[C]

Spring is the season for closet cleanouts. It's the perfect time to narrow down your wardrobe to pieces that are well made and easy to wear all the time. That's where Quince comes in. With Quince, you get fabrics that feel elevated, fits, thought out, and pricing that actually makes sense. Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're paying for quality, not brand markup. Everything is designed to last. And to help make getting dressed easy, I got an adorable organic cotton dress for my daughter for spring that's perfect for school or a dinner date with dad. Plus the Mongolian cashmere sweaters I ordered a while back. Continue to work with my wardrobe from season to season. Not to mention I Love the quality versus the cost. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to Quince.com Jeff for free shipping and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. Go to Quince.com jeff for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com jeff. When you're starting off with something new, it seems like your to do list keeps growing every day with new tasks, and that list can easily begin to overrun your life. Finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but also simplifies everything can be such a game changer for millions of businesses. That tool is Shopify. Shopify is the e commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names to brands. Just getting started with Shopify, you can tackle all those important tasks in one place place. From inventory to payments to analytics and more. No need to save multiple websites or try to figure out what platform is hosting the tool that you need. Everything is all in one place, making your life easier and your business operations smoother. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com jefflewis go to shopify.com jeff lewis that's shopify.com JeffLewis if you felt stuck trying to lose weight you're not alone. Enter Weight Loss by Hers. It's designed to support you in reaching your goals and HERS now offers access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications. With Wegovia, hers lose up to 20% or more of your body weight. When combined with diet and exercise, it helps you regulate your appetite, eat less and keep weight off. Plus, WeGovy is the first and only GLP1 available in a pill so there are no needles needed. Ready to reach your goals? Visit fourhers.com issues to get personalized affordable care that gets you that's F o r h E-R-S.com issues forhers.com issues based on advertised cash price for 30 day supply of medication only Members of the required fee not included and billed separately. Weight Loss by Hers is not available in all 50 states. WeGovy is the registered trademark of Novo Nordisk as To get started and learn more, including important safety information, WeGovy clinical study information and restrictions, visit fourhers.com Are you one of those people who actually likes their money? Unfortunately, traditional big wireless carriers like your money too. So if you're tired of spending hundreds on crazy high wireless bills, bogus fees and free perks that cost you more in the long run then a premium wireless plan for mint mobile for 15 bucks a month might be right for you. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Bring your own phone and number, activate with ESIM in minutes and start saving immediately. No long term contract, no hassle. If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop [e-mail] JeffLewis that's mintmobile.com JeffLewis upfront payment of $45 for 3 month 5 gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 per month new customer offer for first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.

[A]

How about that? It's your birthday. Can we spend a little bit more time on that?

[B]

How about every time I'm here no one has ever called in? I don't understand.

[A]

You know why? Because they're all in prison and they already used their phone call that day.

[C]

Now Kim, you were heavily flirting with Fernando, the 70 year old man at the tile store and I have to tell you it worked. Oh we got all that tile for $1,020.

[A]

All that tile.

[C]

Are you ser that towel for $1,020? I don't know what you did when

[B]

I left the whole Pool.

[C]

I don't know what you did when I left, but it worked, and we're

[A]

gonna need you to do it again. I was like, fernando, Fernando, do you like cinnamon roll with your cafe latte? Fernando? I told you that when I went to Italy with him, I was demoted to purse carrier because every man was like, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. And she's literally, like, going to Italy. Oh, take a number. Oh, no, no.

[C]

Italy.

[A]

Oh, no. We almost missed our flight.

[B]

Well, that's.

[C]

Well, what happened?

[B]

That was with Giovanni.

[C]

Wait, what happened in Italy?

[B]

Yeah, he was the artist, but he was the waiter from that night, remember?

[C]

Kim, how about getting closer to the mic? Here, let me push you.

[B]

I thought I was in your living room. I'm sorry. I got carried away. And my earphones. Oh, it's the radio. Oh, my bad. I forgot it's a show.

[C]

Tell us about Italy.

[A]

Okay, the first one was she went into a hat store. She came out. I think her hair was done somehow in the hat store. I don't know what happened.

[B]

We went to the back.

[A]

Yeah, no, that was number one.

[B]

That's interesting.

[A]

That was number one.

[B]

Then I was much younger Jen, who

[A]

was number two, and we were staying at the most beautiful. Oh, my God, Jeff, you don't understand. We were staying at the most beautiful hotel. We checked in, and they were so excited that she was there. And the guy had watched Sabrina. And then he goes, madam, there is a small problem with your passport. Somehow there is whiteout on the date of your birth. And she says. She goes, you don't need to know how old I am to stay at this hotel. And I'm like, you put white out on your passport?

[C]

Did you really?

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Oh. She was like, bitch, you don't need to know my age. I said, I'm standing.

[B]

Don't tell. Why? You need to know how old I am? That's the question. Craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. I'm not gonna give you my age to stay in the old stupid hotel.

[A]

Madam, we must take off the white out. I go, you put white out? And then rewrote the number. I don't even know how old you are. And then she turns to me and she goes, bitch, you don't need to know how old I am either.

[B]

That is it.

[A]

That's what happened.

[B]

I sure did. This was all before, you know, I can't.

[A]

9, 11.

[B]

That's why.

[A]

Because I can do that. Oh, no, now you can't. Oh, my gosh. She literally Wedded out her birthday.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Then we decide, okay, we're gonna get a tour. This is. So which one was this? Oh, my God. Oh, can I tell that? All right. If I can't.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Not that part, but okay. We get a tour, and it says, college graduate tour. So we're like, oh, my God, we're gonna get some hot college graduate. A man arrives. The stains on his shirt. He can't be. He's 104.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Then we go to the Vatican, and we go to the front of the line, and he goes, just merge into the line. No, no.

[B]

We're in the van and he tells us to go. Oh, that was the difference.

[A]

That was the difference. The guy in the van, we get in and he says, I'm sorry I'm late.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Can I. Can you say the F word on this?

[C]

Yes, you can.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm sorry I was late. I was a woman from New Jersey, I swear to God. She has three holes. And we were like this.

[B]

Ew. Out of control.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. And it was me and Marla Garland and Kim. And we're like, that is so disgusting. We're trying to figure out the third hole. Like, what?

[B]

And we were like, say hello first. How about that?

[A]

How about that? Then he goes. He goes, I swear, she is so good in bed. She is. Aries. The woman is crazy. April 13th. Then she says to Marla, what is your birthday, blondie? And Marla goes, April 13th. And then he says to me, what about you, Blondie? And I go, April 13th. I swear to God.

[B]

He turns to me. I said, don't ask me shit.

[A]

Yeah. Then he turns to her, they have a fight. Cause they're both Leos.

[C]

Oh, fighting.

[B]

Oh. Oh, I'll slap the dog. Italian accent out his mouth. It was out of control.

[A]

He was so off. Then we get.

[B]

And these two little girls, they were just so.

[A]

But it was our birthday. What are the odds that this creepy

[B]

woman from New Jersey.

[A]

And we're both. And of course, God forbid we lie, as if we're like, under oath. We're like, April 13th. Then we get there, and the guy goes. I said it was the Parthenon. I can't remember where we were going. Anyway, not the Parthenon. What's the Coliseum? Wrong city. Anyway, he goes. He goes. I said, are you gonna park? He goes, I'm not going in. I've seen it a thousand times.

[B]

That's what he said.

[A]

What?

[B]

I've seen it a thousand times on.

[A]

Then he goes like this. He goes, it's so hot. I have air conditioning.

[B]

I go, well, we paid you all this money.

[A]

All this money. And you. Then he goes, I got a friend. And then he goes. You pretend you're with the cruise ship, and you yell, I am with the cruise ship. Wait for me.

[B]

He said that? He said, blend in with the line that's going in. Just walk and blend in and say, I'm with the cruise ship.

[A]

And we're like this. And Marla's like, we're with the cruise ship. Wait up.

[B]

Oh, it was bad. It was one of the best trips ever.

[A]

Ever.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, my God. Kim by the. In the most beautiful villa in Italy.

[B]

I don't know what happened.

[A]

And all we hear is scorpion everywhere, everywhere. And she kept throwing out the lavender. And, like, that's like their. That's how you keep them away. Do you hate lavender?

[B]

I didn't know that they. But they're.

[C]

I didn't know that either.

[B]

They were not big scorpions, but they were little scorpions. And they said, they're the worst. So I really just closed my eyes and went to bed.

[A]

No. She was so afraid. We're like, we're going to see a painting from the 1400s. I'm watching Shark Tale 3.

[B]

That's what I did. I was watching it. I was watching it. I was so. I don't know why I was, like, in this castle. They were going to all these places that I could care less about.

[A]

She's pretending she's a vampire. So the scorpions.

[C]

Did you check your sheets for the scorpions? Did you check your sheets?

[B]

Yeah. At night. They did tell us to do that, to check our sheets.

[C]

But you didn't.

[B]

Oh, no. I would shake them and everything. I stayed up all night watching and watching the scorpions. It was. It was. I was exhausted.

[A]

And then you walk in, and there's Kim and, like, six scorpions, and they're all watching sharks like that. They love it. They love this movie. I can't stop pointing. Wait. Don't you go online and do real estate porn and look at the house In Italy that's $90,000 and think you can buy it and fix it? Don't you do that?

[C]

I do look at real estate, but here, locally, I don't really look. Yeah, sometimes once in a while, be like, oh, what's going on in Scottsdale or Vegas or. Or New York apartments? But, no, I don't really.

[A]

Do you have a New York apartment?

[C]

No, I'm manifesting it.

[A]

You are.

[C]

I think, eventually.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You can do whatever you want.

[A]

I had such a good apartment.

[C]

6. Right now I gotta. I gotta. Yeah, right now, unfortunately, all my energy is on Kim and her pool.

[B]

Your energy? You work too fast. I'm not that person.

[A]

He's an Aries. We make decisions like that. I've never seen anything like cancer. She goes back on her decisions. You have to know that you're right. And then she retreats.

[C]

That's exactly what she does.

[A]

You should have given me her chart first, and then I would have told you how to do it.

[C]

That drives me crazy. And then she gaslights me and said. I never said that. Yes, you did. Oh, you never told me that, Shane.

[B]

I'm not gonna sit here and take this. Two Aries.

[C]

That's exactly what she does, Caroline.

[A]

She's right on the cusp. That's why has to be in control. We'll make a decision. We'll retreat. We'll always second guess. Know that that's part of her nature.

[C]

She's second guessing always.

[A]

And we go out. One decision.

[C]

You use him as an excuse. He's going to school in two years. He will never use that pool again. You already said that. You're going to sell the house when he goes to school. Because it's.

[A]

Two years is a long time to use a pool. Sorry, I'm with her on this one.

[C]

The pool is just for the two summers. Two summers?

[A]

Two summers. No, but the children. Tarzana is 140 degrees in the middle of winter.

[B]

Miss a whole year because it was green. So I have not been in the pool for a year.

[C]

You cannot. I'm telling you again, you have to fire that pool man. We're getting a new pool man.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He turned your pool green.

[B]

Yeah, well, he didn't do it. Remember the homeowner thing? Warranty? The. The filter broke, and then they took weeks for it to come back out. Can I. Is that a saltwater pool? Do we know. Can I change it? It's not salt water. The owners told me that. And I've been wondering. I was pouring salt in it like Morton's walking around.

[A]

Oh, my God. But you know what?

[C]

Are you serious? It's not a saltwater pool. It.

[A]

There have been no vampire attacks, so let's look at the positive. Okay.

[C]

You were pouring more salt in your pool?

[B]

Yes, because they told me it was a saltwater pool. So I was like, let me change salt. I was like, I think it needs more salt to get the color. And we have to decide on the color. Jeff, I saw a pool yesterday I know we are. I want a nice blue color. I know it's a pretty blue. I don't want green.

[C]

I know what you want.

[A]

You have to paint it white on the bottom because it's a reflection of the sun.

[C]

That's a light. Light. Light blue. We're doing a Pebble tech, though. We're doing a Pebble tech, but we'll do a light. We'll do a light pebble tech. Don't worry. I know you want. I know what you want.

[B]

You do?

[A]

Why? That's on my feet. I don't like it.

[B]

It's gonna hurt.

[C]

No.

[A]

Oh, lyre lips Season in first lyre lamps. We're seeing out of Jeff.

[B]

Jeffrey. I thought it was gonna be smooth.

[C]

Okay, what did we do in our pool?

[A]

Quartzite.

[C]

Quartz. We did like a quartz. We did a. It's supposed to be softer, but then. Because.

[A]

Wait, our pool. This is the bear. Jeff's pool. It works. Oh, okay.

[C]

No, there's a new, like, little, tiny,

[A]

little baby pebble tech that we're doing.

[C]

I think we're doing a baby pebble version.

[A]

It's like a little micro pebble because

[C]

Monroe was scraping her feet on the pebble tech in the old pool. But the new pool, we did a different kind of pebble tech. I'm going to use the same one.

[B]

Okay. And you like it on your feet?

[A]

It's a little me.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

What's Monroe giving you for your. Tell the truth?

[C]

You might want to invest in some band dates.

[B]

Exactly. Why are we doing Pepper Tech? Is it cheaper?

[C]

No, it's more expensive. But it's going to last forever.

[B]

It doesn't need to last forever. As soon as I'm out of there, the whole thing can fall apart.

[C]

No, we're going to do the softer pebbles. We're doing the softer.

[A]

Can you believe, though, what an unbelievably beautiful piece of property it is and how massive it is?

[B]

Yeah, I have the generator. I was telling.

[C]

Kind of letting it go, though.

[A]

You know, she had a gala there with like, what, like a thousand people and it didn't even look.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I did have the be.

[C]

It's just a lot to upkeep, which is like I'm. I'm supportive of.

[B]

We have another one for Karen Bass.

[C]

Selling it when. When Joshua goes to school.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's too much for her to. To keep up. It's too much house. It is a lot of yard.

[B]

He wants to get rid of the chicken coop.

[A]

That's gone. It's gone.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And that's gonna happen.

[B]

But what if I get chickens?

[C]

By the time you're put, you get your bra on, that thing's gonna be. It's gonna be out of there.

[A]

You know what? One of the horrible. One of the chickens is living under her left breast. We call Cinnamon. Cinnamon roll the chicken. Cinnamon roll the chicken.

[C]

Now, the crazy part is you told the pool man that you guys are really.

[A]

I hope you've been filming this. This is very entertaining.

[C]

She says that she has natural flotation devices, but that she's going to get a reduction and if we don't make the pool more shallow. You told him you were going to drown. That's what you told him. You said you were going to get a reduction and that you were going to drown.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I did tell him that because I needed him to take it down a little bit, fix it, and not listen to you. This is what I found out. They listened to Jeff and so.

[A]

You don't understand.

[B]

That's what she can't.

[A]

Robert, it doesn't matter. You just have to tell her to give the directions of it. That's what she needs. She needs to be the boss of you and everyone. Even if you made the decision, she has to be the one to say it.

[B]

What I needed was.

[C]

I'm serious.

[A]

I'm serious.

[B]

Straight line. I even brought out refreshments so they would really listen. I brought out a whole thing of drinks.

[C]

Sardines and mustard.

[B]

That's.

[A]

He really likes lift. Kim. He has only mentioned that fish and dinner.

[B]

Dip it into that mustard and put it on a cracker and you bite it. You're.

[A]

You know what? You're gonna feel like you just got out of prison. Jeff.

[B]

Yes, that's good. Prison.

[C]

All right, we need to take a break.

[B]

I gotta tell the people where I'm performing when we come.

[C]

Just do it now.

[B]

Okay. Louisville, Kentucky, Comedy Club. That's right.

[A]

I'm gonna be best comedy club.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Never been this so good.

[B]

April 17th through the 18th. Louisville, Kentucky. Boston City Winery. Winery. April 25th. And Detroit. Detroit. The soundboard. Me and Sherri shepherd for Mother's Day, May 8th in Cleveland. Improv has been moved. I'll be there May 29th.

[A]

I would like to know if there are any twin men in their late 90s, neither of which have children, preferably a terminal illness that won't cause them any pain, that would like to marry us so we can stop doing this road work.

[B]

This road work is no joke. It's exhausting.

[C]

Okay, I know, but you two are good. At it now. Go to imkimwhitley.com for dates, for venues, for tickets. Correct. Iamkimwhitley.com.

[A]

oh, my God.

[C]

You're looking at me like I've never.

[B]

I don't. Because I think I forget to check it. But. Or any of my social media. KimWhitley. Kym.

[C]

Wait, you're not checking this. Iamkymwhitley.com.

[A]

do you know how Kim and I.

[B]

How do you do judgment on live radio?

[C]

You have eight interns.

[B]

Yes, I'm gonna.

[A]

You know what? If she had paid any of them, they would have told her where her work was. But maybe she doesn't.

[C]

All right, do we want to promote your standard stand up live events?

[A]

Could you say it in a less comedic, warm and welcoming way? Like in an angry thing? Isn't it your turn, Caroline?

[C]

All right, Caroline, go ahead.

[A]

On April 6th, I'm in Sacramento at the. Well, okay, that's a great club. And then I'm in the comedy club.

[C]

You're making fun of her, but you don't even know where you're going because

[A]

all we do is travel. We work for FedEx.

[C]

Okay, go to carolineray. Com. I know you're in Austin April 16th through 18th.

[A]

Yes. And then the next weekend, I'm in the. At the Tacoma Comedy Club, which is owned by the guy that owns. You're hilarious. At the Louisville club, which is such an Adam Norwest.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's the most club. You're gonna love it.

[B]

I like Sacramento.

[A]

What are you doing for your birthday? Meaning?

[C]

I'm going to dinner.

[A]

Wow. Is Monroe taking you somewhere?

[C]

Did she make you a call? She's with her other dad this week.

[A]

Oh, even for your birthday?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Let it go, Let it go.

[A]

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[B]

I wasn't as Kim.

[C]

I love that you read a room. You can read a room.

[B]

I read a baby.

[C]

Hey, I heard that Joshua's wallet got stolen.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

At school.

[B]

At the first time at a public school, he could not believe. He's so free, you know, being at these other schools. And he. The public school, he just leaves his little wallet in his backpack. And he went to the teacher. I said, did you go to the teacher? He said, yeah. She said, yeah, it's supposed to get stolen. I was like, what? She was like, you're at a public school. That's what the teacher told him.

[A]

I would check the teacher's wallet. I would be like, what do you mean it's supposed to be stolen?

[B]

Teacher probably took it.

[C]

What did he.

[B]

He lost all his gift Cards and some money. Yeah, all the birthdays.

[A]

I gave him gift cards.

[B]

I told him not to take all the gift cards. He did.

[A]

Why was he taking his gift cards to school?

[B]

Because he wants to show out after school. He wants to walk over to In N Out and to Starbucks. Hey, you guys want something?

[C]

You know, is it true that you go to Chick Fil a and then you don't tell him and then you eat it in the garage?

[B]

Mind your business, Jeff. Wait till Monroe. You're gonna do it when Monroe wants everything that you eat. And like, dad, you didn't take me. You went to come in the house with a Starbucks card, a cup, and see what happens. You're gonna say, I got to drink.

[C]

So you pull in the garage.

[B]

Pull in the garage.

[C]

You eat it in the car real quick.

[B]

Eat it real fast. Then you have to spray because if they smell the chicken on you,

[A]

the fact that you have anti chicken spray is so sad.

[B]

Anti chicken spray.

[A]

Anti chicken spray.

[C]

Now, we're not allowed to go to Target right now.

[A]

Smoke.

[C]

Target got canceled, right? Until you tell me.

[B]

Until. Well, you know, the Target did the black people back, so we've been boycotting. But then I heard that Target was doing well. But then I put a post it and everybody said, no, no, no, you can't go back into Target. But I sneak in there every now and then for a little birthday card. But you can't get caught by a black person. Yeah, but if you do, you look at them and say, well, you going in, too? So you both kind of busted.

[C]

Yeah, the gays were not supposed to go to Chick Fil a for a while.

[B]

Yeah, and they're steel.

[C]

So I would go in the drive through only.

[A]

Oh, my God, that's so politically correct.

[C]

And sunglasses.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you can.

[A]

Did you, like, at least make a female friend go, hey, honey, what do you want?

[B]

Hey, we're going to have some of this chicken. We've never been here before. Oh, yeah. Rainbow and butterflies. They do not. They still.

[C]

Oh, they still don't go to Chick Fil a.

[A]

You know what? Have you ever noticed that a chicken sounds like it's swearing off? I'm sorry.

[B]

Okay. That was so. I don't know how your brain works.

[A]

I just, you know,

[C]

Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis Live every weekday on SiriusXM as well as the Jeff Lewis Channel, exclusively on the SiriusXM app. Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance. And now we're customizing this ad for your morning commute. To wake you up, which could help your driving. Science says that stimulating the brain increases alertness. So here's a pop quiz. How many months have 28 days? What gets wetter as it dries? What has keys but can't open locks? If you don't want to hear the answers, turn off this Liberty Mutual AD.

[B]

Now.

[C]

12 months.

[B]

A towel piano.

[C]

Enjoy being fully alert. Liberty.

[A]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty K Pop Demon Hunters Haja Boy's

[B]

Breakfast Meal and Hunt Tricks Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans.

[A]

What do you say to that, Rumi? It's not a battle. So glad the Saja boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.

[B]

It is an honor to share.

[A]

No, it's our honor.

[B]

It is our larger honor.

[A]

No, really, stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side a participating McDonald's while supplies last.