Rachel Feinstein & Nicole Ryan: Detention & Hot Firemen

Summary

Podcast Summary: Jeff Lewis Has Issues

Episode: Rachel Feinstein & Nicole Ryan: Detention & Hot Firemen
Date: October 31, 2025
Host: Jeff Lewis
Guests: Rachel Feinstein (comedian), Nicole Ryan (media personality)
Location: New York City

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Episode Overview

In this lively and unfiltered episode, Jeff Lewis hosts comedian Rachel Feinstein and Nicole Ryan for a candid and hilarious conversation covering personal relationships, messy marriages, hot firemen, childhood antics, parental quirks, and awkward adolescent years. With signature sarcasm and warmth, they dig into the quirks of family life, the peculiarities of firehouse culture, the trauma and humor surrounding school detentions, and the oddities of growing up with eccentric parents. The trio seamlessly weaves through stories that are laugh-out-loud funny while touching on relatable struggles and insecurities.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Firefighter Husband & Firehouse Antics

• Rachel's Husband—A "Hot Fireman"

  • Rachel’s husband, Pete, is a long-term FDNY firefighter, now a battalion chief.
  • Rachel jokes about firehouse culture:

    "I live...if the 911 Memorial Gift Shop were a neighborhood. That's where I live." (03:10 – Rachel)

  • On firefighter personality quirks, overtime hustling, and respect between NY/LA firefighters.
  • Jeff's brother is also a firefighter, drawing parallels between their lifestyles and relentless adrenaline-seeking (04:05–04:43).

• Double Lives and Job-Switching

  • Firemen routinely take extra shifts or side jobs. Rachel:

    "When he became chief he doesn’t get overtime, he’s just twitching. Now he just keeps exploding things in the yard." (05:55 – Rachel)

  • Rachel riffing on her husband “probably about to build a mural of the Founding Fathers blowing Jordan Peterson.”

• Firefighters’ Romanticization and Role Play

  • Nicole presses Rachel about whether she does firefighter roleplay (“You ever role play? Because he’s got the uniforms and everything.” – 06:52 – Jeff)
  • Rachel reveals a mishap ordering “a dozen Catholic schoolgirl outfits” for roleplay—never managing to return the extras.

• Dating a Fireman—How They Met

  • Rachel’s efforts to follow Patti Stanger’s ‘steakhouse theory’ for meeting men, but admits:

    "I couldn't actually approach the guys. Just sitting there weirdly lonely, leering at them..." (09:34 – Rachel)

  • Eventually set up with Pete via a mutual firefighter connection. Selection was hilariously sparse:

    "He sent us back like two pictures. It was just very strange to me that he had two ready." (12:09 – Rachel)

  • Jeff’s harsh humor on slim pickings:

    "She probably showed your picture to about 50 different firemen...only two responded." (12:13 – Jeff)

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Marital Dynamics & Self-Esteem

• Chief Pete: Lacking Compliments But High On Practicality

  • Rachel’s husband is hilariously taciturn and non-romantic. When she asks if she looks good:

    "He goes, denim." (14:16 – Rachel)

  • Nickname in their marriage: “Big Guy.”

    "No woman wants to be called Big Guy." (14:40 – Rachel)

  • On her wedding day:

    "Walking down the aisle and he goes, 'bring it in'... and then, 'good job with the makeup.'" (15:22–15:32 – Rachel)

• Rachel's Perspective on Her Type

  • Explains being attracted to working-class, “dusty and traumatized” types, a reaction to her intellectual, activist upbringing (16:00–16:33).
  • Rachel's mother is affectionately dubbed “the pain chamber” for constantly relating everything to suffering or injustice (47:33).

• Pranks and Firehouse Culture

  • Rachel once texted all the firemen in Pete’s phone, hitting on them as a joke; he never bothered clarifying it was her, not him (16:46–18:04).

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Parenting: Daughters, Detention, and Big Personalities

• Jeff and Rachel on Their Daughters

  • Both clearly have bold, strong-willed daughters.
  • Rachel: “My mother-in-law said ‘Peter needs a girl to soften his heart,’...if he had a son, he’d push, push, push him.” (24:07)
  • Rachel’s daughter addresses her as “Sweetie,” not “Mom”—treating her more like an “older waitress at a diner”.

    “She gaslights me... she thinks she knows everything, so she talks down to me.” (27:58 – Rachel)

• Jeff’s Daughter and “Labubu” Rebellion

  • Jeff’s daughter Monroe likes to push rules (smuggling forbidden toys—Labubus—back into school after they were banned).

    “If the school reprimands her, I feel like she’s epic. She’s gonna start a company.” (29:28 – Rachel)

  • On handling consequences:

    "Sometimes I think, she needs to deal with her own consequences." (30:00 – Rachel)

• Detention Stories

  • Jeff and Nicole reminisce about old school discipline and suspension stories, with both finding the current school system comparatively “soft.”

    “She called 911 on the class trip and said someone was hurt. So the paramedics and the ambulance…” (30:47 – Jeff)

  • Nicole’s neighbor, “angry old Italian man Jerry,” who called the cops on her party, later arrested for stabbing his daughter-in-law (34:45–35:21).

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Coming of Age: Tutors, Trauma & Awkwardness

• Rachel’s Math Tutor Was a Molester—But Not to Her

  • In a darkly comic turn, Rachel reveals her old math tutor, “Mr. File,” was later accused of molestation, but “wasn’t interested in me. My stupidity saved me from a molesting.”

    "What are the odds that [his name is] Mr. File?" (36:54 – Rachel)

  • Jeff relates: A priest at his high school was later accused, but never hit on him.

    “There was a part of me... a little offended that he never hit on me. Am I not sexy enough?" (38:04 – Jeff)

• Physical Awkwardness: "Starter Tit"

  • Rachel reveals her own childhood body-image struggles:

    “I had, like, a starter tit for a year. That was problematic.” (40:01 – Rachel, with further banter about breast sizes)

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Material Things: The Costco and Cashmere Section

• Rachel’s Husband’s Love of Costco
  • “He should not have told me this, but when he proposed, he went to get the iPhone tax-free at Costco in Delaware.” (26:13)
  • Shared love for shopping in bulk, laughter at the “Costco ring,” and mutual agreement about the joys of warehouse shopping.

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Identity Mix-Up: Two Rachel Feinsteins

• Rachel the Comedian vs. Rachel the Sculptor
  • Rachel recounts being confused with the older, famous artist Rachel Feinstein—including getting and losing high-profile invitations (like a dinner with Oprah).
  • “It was a hard no—they probably had a picture of me at the door: ‘God forbid she tries to get in, don’t let her.’” (42:15)
  • A running bit about being mistakenly honored for avant-garde fashion and artwork that isn’t hers.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

(Timings approximate due to natural conversation flow):

• On firemen:

  "If the 911 Memorial Gift Shop were a neighborhood. That’s where I live." (03:10 - Rachel)

• On role play mishaps:

  "I accidentally ordered a dozen Catholic schoolgirl outfits … I’ve never returned anything." (07:13 – Rachel)

• On husband’s lack of compliments:

  “He goes, denim.” (14:16 – Rachel)

  “He calls me Big Guy... No woman wants to be called Big Guy.” (14:43 – Rachel)

• On school detention:

  "She called 911 on the class trip and said someone was hurt." (30:47 – Jeff)

• On being passed over by a predatory tutor:

  “My stupidity saved me from a molesting.” (36:13 – Rachel)

• On being offended that the priest didn’t hit on him:

  “There was a part of me... a little offended that he never hit on me.” (38:04 – Jeff)

• On her mother's activism:

  "Her and five of the whitest women you could conjure up, protesting racism... in the quietest cul de sac." (49:01 – Rachel)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:10] Rachel on firehouse neighborhoods
• [06:52] Firefighter roleplay & costume mishap
• [12:09-13:12] How Rachel met her husband & slim firefighter pickings
• [14:16] “Denim” and “Big Guy” marriage moments
• [24:07] How having a daughter “softens” the tough-guy dad
• [26:13] Costco proposal story
• [30:47] The great Labubu contraband and calling 911 at school
• [36:54] Mr. File the tutor/molester
• [38:04] Jeff on being overlooked by the predatory priest
• [47:33] Rachel’s “pain chamber” mother and the power of protest

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Tone & Style

The episode is conversational, sharply witty, and peppered with self-deprecation. Jeff maintains a teasing yet affectionate banter with Rachel and Nicole, who both adeptly volley humor around their personal flaws, odd childhoods, and unconventional relationships. Topics oscillate between outlandish and deeply relatable, with the group frequently making fun of themselves, their partners, and their parents in a way that is both charming and cathartic.

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For New Listeners

This episode is quintessential Jeff Lewis: personal overshare, brutal honesty, quick-fire roasts, and colorful stories blending real-life heart with irreverent comedy.
Whether you want to laugh about messy marriages or commiserate on childhood awkwardness, it’s a high-energy, deeply human listen—full of both warmth and laughs.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

When you're Jeff Lewis, the drama never stops.

[B]

Doug said it was dumb, but maybe I'm dumb because I enjoy it.

[D]

Maybe I'm just talking about the news.

[B]

We don't talk about the news here.

[C]

No, just sex.

[B]

There's gotta be that one actor or actress that nobody likes. Cause we have that here.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Who is it?

[B]

Me.

[C]

Jeff Lewis has issues.

[B]

Hey, it's Jeff Lewis and I have issues. In today's episode, Rachel Feinstein and Nicole Ryan join the show in New York City. We talk about meeting hot firemen, unique causes of acne, and reasons for detention. I don't think I've ever seen you with makeup.

[E]

What are you talking about?

[B]

You look so pretty today.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

I mean, you really made an effort.

[C]

I did?

[B]

Yes, you look. Doesn't she look pretty?

[E]

Yeah, I told. What?

[F]

Was there something else this morning or something?

[E]

No, no, I did it for you. And I told Matt that he needed to look good for his boyfriend tonight, so.

[B]

Okay, good. So I'm gonna see him. I was actually talking about having a drink with Matt, too. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah. Anyway, so what Kiana told me is the last time you were here is that we were talking about your naked family. And we felt that Dorinda and I felt like it was time to probably start putting clothes on in the apartment.

[E]

It's hard.

[B]

And then Kian told me that the reason that your kids have been seeing you naked is because this is very interesting. You like to go in the shower in the morning, and then when you come out, you want a hot cup of coffee right there next to the shower.

[E]

Well, it's not that. It's just that, like. Yeah, if I forgot whatever I was, like, eating or drinking, and I'm racing. We're always in a rush. I might have forgotten it in the kitchen. And so I run out naked.

[B]

I see. So that is your. So do you get. Do you go in the shower first thing?

[C]

No. Oh, yeah.

[E]

We are up so early. We. I have to, like, roll in.

[B]

Rachel Feinstein has just joined us.

[E]

Hello, Rachel.

[D]

Hi, everybody. Thank you for having me.

[B]

How are you?

[D]

Good.

[C]

How are you?

[B]

Thanks for being on time. Not really.

[C]

Yeah, my store. My reason is worthless.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, I won't bother you with it.

[B]

No, I'd like to know the reason.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Well, this is really exciting, you guys. Breaking news.

[C]

I didn't realize it was gonna take.

[D]

Over an hour from Queens.

[C]

I live, like, deep in Queens. It's like all cops in Maspeth. It's like all cops and firefighters. I live. If the 911 Memorial Gift Shop were a neighborhood. That's where I live.

[F]

I went to St. John's in Queens.

[C]

You did? My husband would flip out. That's crazy. Cause all of his friends at his firehouse went there.

[F]

Nice.

[E]

You couldn't get somebody from the firehouse or a cop to escort?

[C]

I mean, it's.

[F]

I have no excuse.

[C]

I should have. Oh, my God. That would have been hot.

[E]

Yeah, super hot.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How long has your husband been a firefighter?

[C]

Since he was, like, 22. Oh, he's like, 45 now.

[B]

When do they. Because my brother's a firefighter.

[C]

Is he really?

[B]

He's a paramedic. Firefighter. 50. And why not in New York?

[D]

In where?

[B]

California. Los Angeles, Louisiana.

[C]

Oh, that's like the other one they like, respect the most because they get.

[D]

A lot of action.

[B]

Yes. In fact, he transferred. He was in Orange county, and he was bored, so he wanted to go someplace where there was a lot of calls.

[C]

Yeah, they love it.

[D]

They love it.

[B]

It's like adrenaline boost, Right? It's like a drug kind of.

[C]

Yeah. Like when we went to, like, go look for a house, Every house we would go to when we were, like, house hunting, he would tell me how.

[D]

It would burn to the ground.

[E]

Oh, lovely.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Open stairwell like that. Cause he has to think about things like that.

[C]

You Know.

[B]

Is that how he talks?

[D]

Yeah, he's like, open stairwell, like that balloon freeing construction. Oh, yeah. That'd be a ripple right there.

[B]

Yeah. My brother always had an addictive personality, so it seems like the right career for him and some add, like, severe add. So I think a busy station is probably good for him.

[C]

They love it. But also the New York guys really, like, respect the LA guys, and they come out like, you know, and like.

[D]

They sort of show each other support and stuff. It's pretty cute.

[B]

Yeah. So he. So he's been there for a while. Is he a captain or a chief or firefighter?

[D]

Just made chief.

[C]

He's a battalion chief now.

[B]

Wow, that's a big deal. Now when does he get to retire? Because I feel like my brother. My brother's 53. 3. And I think he can retire with, like, a full pension.

[C]

Yeah. Because he got on nice and early. Because it, like, changed, I think, or something. You know, My husband's always, like, telling me about what changed and, like, blaming it on me somehow.

[D]

He said, because your boy de Blasio, I'm like, what?

[C]

Why? What?

[D]

Because your boy de Blasio, apparently, this has got to be different. I've got to say this word or something. I'm like, what?

[B]

So he gets to retire in three years and then just start a whole nother job or career somewhere else, which is kind of amazing.

[E]

Double dip.

[C]

I think he'll stay on. I mean, I think they can't. He can't really, like, sit still. They all have, like, second jobs. Is your brother like that, too? Where he can't, like. Philly.

[B]

I was gonna ask you about this because you say that a lot of the firefighters where your husband are, they take on second jobs. My brother is doing a lot, picking up shifts, overtime like that. And he makes a very good living, but he's always. I think he makes his money in his overtime and then the additional shifts he picks up. Does your husband pick up additional shifts?

[C]

Yeah, he was really pissed when he became a chief because he doesn't get to do overtime for the first year. Cause they want him to just focus on the new position. So he's just sort of twitching and now he just keeps exploding things in the yard. Just building weird, unnecessary stuff. He's probably gonna build a fallout shelter out there with some Gunny Anthem or just a mural of the Founding Fathers. I don't know how dirty I can be, so I'm not gonna say that. Whatever you want to say. They'll probably build a mural of the Founding Fathers blowing. Jordan Peterson was what I was gonna say.

[E]

Oh, Jordan. Do you remember when it was a firefighter who found. And he was like. I don't know what he looked like, but he was like, I'm a firefighter. I called an ambulance, but I was, like, knocked out. So I just heard his voice and I looked everywhere for him because I'm picturing him this, like, sexy.

[C]

Really.

[B]

It's one of those hero complex.

[C]

You couldn't find him.

[E]

I could not find him. I couldn't. I have firefighter friends. I couldn't.

[C]

What is your type? I mean, I'm not hitting on you, I'm sure. No, that sounded really alarming. Sorry.

[B]

Do you ever role play? Because he's got the uniforms and everything.

[C]

Do you know, it's funny that you said that. So I can't remember if I talked about this in the special or not, because. But I ordered, like, a Catholic schoolgirl outfit because I thought, like, a. What turns on a repressed Catholic from. You know that. Yeah. So then. But I'm really add. So I accidentally ordered a dozen Catholic schoolgirl outfits.

[E]

Oh, no.

[B]

Whole class.

[C]

And I couldn't figure out how to.

[D]

Like, return them, you know? Cause I'm too. I've never returned anything. It's not that I couldn't figure it out.

[E]

Me neither.

[D]

Yeah, you either.

[E]

It's just.

[C]

It's too much.

[E]

It's so annoying. I waste so much money. My husband wants to kill me.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

He's so mad.

[F]

I love sending stuff back. Then I feel like I earned money.

[E]

Yes.

[F]

If I get, like, the. If I get the cash back, I'm.

[B]

Like, it's a lot of work.

[C]

Too much. It's just too much, like. And so I never returned the other 11 Catholic school girlfriends. And then he found him, and it's.

[D]

Like, morning ocd, like, rounds. He's like, what's this over here? You bring in a whole school or whatever?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How did you. Wait, you've been married since 2018, is that correct?

[C]

2,000. I had to think about it. 2018.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

No, I know. I should know. I'm worthless with stuff like that because.

[D]

I'm still just, like, a comic.

[C]

I don't. Animal.

[E]

I don't know such a dude thing to say.

[C]

I know. 2018. Yes. 2018.

[B]

Okay. So you've been married for a while. How did you meet your. What's your husband's name?

[C]

Pete Brennan.

[D]

Chief Brennan.

[E]

I really want to see a picture of him.

[B]

I'll show you. Okay. So how did you meet Pete? Chief Pete.

[C]

We were set up. I was really in a dark place in my life. Do you guys know who Patty Stanger is? Yes, Stranger.

[D]

How do I say her name?

[B]

She's on the show on Monday.

[D]

Okay. Okay. So she'll be excited by this.

[C]

Maybe. But I heard her say that, like.

[D]

On one of her episodes of how to Meet a Guy and, like, what Men Want, which I really studied. I was just on the road, just throbbingly lonely. Thinking about her tips for finding a man.

[E]

Throbbingly. I like that. I like that description.

[C]

And she said that guys hang out at steakhouses and you should go try to find a guy where there's cast.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

You agree with this theory?

[F]

100%.

[B]

Don't agree with it, but I've heard it.

[C]

So I went to a steakhouse to try to get a guy, but I was like, really? The thing is, I'm not confident enough in that way to actually talk to anybody.

[E]

He's got a mustache, too. He's got the fire mustache. I love him.

[C]

Sorry. Oh.

[B]

Oh, your phone's on. Okay, do you want to get that, Rachel?

[C]

Let's go to a caller, everybody. That is so unacceptable. I've been unacceptable since I've gotten here.

[B]

It's like the first thing we say when people walk in. Right. Make sure your phones are off. Oh. Cause you were late, so you didn't hear him say that.

[F]

Okay, wait, so you're at the. You sit at the bar in a steakhouse?

[C]

Yeah, so I sit at the bar in a steakhouse, and I brought. I'm turning my phone off, and I brought my hot friend because I would, like. I couldn't talk to guys. Like, I had the idea that it would be, like, a good thing to do, but I couldn't. I'm just gonna put this on the street or something.

[F]

Throw it away.

[C]

I need a younger person that's not in the winter of their life to turn my phone off for me. But. So I just figured that, like, I couldn't actually approach the guys. So I was just sitting there weirdly lonely, like, leering at them. And there was a sadness to it.

[E]

Sexy.

[D]

Yeah. I was the kind of desperate where you could really pulse pulsing with it. They could kind of feel it.

[F]

Sad Carrie Bradshaw.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Yes, yes, exactly.

[C]

So I brought my hot friend who's.

[D]

Like, always been and can talk to.

[C]

Anybody, and she came with me. And then she was like. We were in the middle of sort of talking to some guys at the steakhouse, but they weren't. My guy that was hitting on me was kind of Just too old.

[D]

Like, osteoporosis old.

[C]

Not like hot.

[D]

Like, just like a curled elder.

[C]

And she was like, you know, she goes, you should. You should be with a firefighter. And she's just hot Greek woman. Like, just best insane body. Just, you know.

[E]

But isn't that dangerous to bring a hot girl? Because then what?

[B]

I know.

[E]

If a guy you like, then you're friends.

[C]

That's true. You're right. And I don't think my theory was great, but I think. Because that did happen a lot, and I became the clown. The only thing is that she's already married, so it's like, that was. But still, I think you're right.

[B]

But if you get two guys come up to you, the problem is with the hot one, then they're gonna be like, you know, you take.

[C]

Who wants this slop pile next to her?

[D]

And one of them has to start throwing up when you realize.

[B]

And then the other one's like, you owe me one. You know? Like. You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't want to be that.

[D]

Yes. And I kind of ugly face.

[C]

I kind of.

[D]

And I do need a gangrenous friend. You're right.

[C]

But she was like. And it wasn't working because I did get the curled elder, actually. And she got the hot guy, and I got the guy that's.

[B]

And I have to tell you this. The elder didn't even want you. He wanted the hot girl. Right? He didn't want her.

[E]

Really?

[B]

Okay, wait.

[F]

So Pete was at the bar.

[D]

That's gonna stay with me.

[E]

Oh, no.

[C]

All right.

[D]

I wore my best Paula Poundstone blazer.

[B]

No, you look great. You look great. But if, you know, if you're with. You don't want.

[C]

It's actually a trick.

[B]

You have very good hair.

[D]

Thank you.

[E]

You have that going for you. Wait, so wait, Shane's right. Was he sitting. Did you finally meet him at a steakhouse bar?

[C]

No, she was like. Because I wasn't. We were there. And she goes, you know what you should do? You should just be with a firefighter. Because she's married to a fireman, and she's like, I'll just ask. Her husband's a lot older, so his stepson is my husband's age. In his firehouse. They're all fire. Cause families are all firefighters. Similar to my husband's family.

[D]

It's like, grandfather, uncle. Everybody's in a job, you know, Everybody gets made. That's what you call climbing the ranks. It's all, like, mafia.

[C]

So anyway, so she's Like, I'm gonna set you up with another firefighter. And so just texted her stepson and was like, get a fireman for Rachel. And he sent us back, like, two pictures. Like, two. It was just very strange to me.

[D]

That he had two ready, like, ready to go.

[C]

I still think that's alarming, actually.

[B]

But what's really alarming is she probably. She probably showed your picture to about 50 different firemen and only two responded.

[E]

Don't listen to him.

[B]

It was the only two that, you know, were interested.

[E]

Were you into both pictures?

[C]

Poor thing.

[E]

She just got here.

[D]

Jeff. It's so funny that as soon as I got here, everybody just talked about how violently ugly I was as a comedian. I do appreciate it. It's hilarious. Wait, what was the question before we were talking about what dog I was?

[E]

Did you think that both guys with both headshots were attractive?

[C]

No. The other guy was kind of, like, gross and alarming. It was easy. My husband, he looked like he was gonna run a little dumb, which pretty much checks out.

[D]

But I was like, oh, he's hot. I wann. I thought he would just be a detour in my mission to get a husband. My friends all called him Backdraft, and I didn't really take it seriously either.

[C]

But he was kind of making muscles in the foot and holding some sort of fdny.

[B]

Oh, he's cute there.

[E]

He's really cute.

[B]

He's handsome. That's the most recent.

[C]

That's more recent.

[B]

And is that recent of you?

[C]

Yeah, that was last year before I became this disgusting. Before I turned a dark corner. You know, what happened to make my.

[D]

Face look like this?

[C]

I don't know, but somebody had to. We did this roast recently. Somebody told me, do you want to know the roast jokes about you? It was like a roast of Bert Kreischer. And I was like, I mean, I don't know. No. But yes. I guess I may as well be ready for them. And he said, rachel wrote a children's book because I have a little girl. And he's like, and the book is.

[D]

Called the Dog that saved Hanukkah.

[E]

Oh, no.

[B]

Okay. You know you're attractive, right? This is getting dark.

[C]

I know.

[B]

I feel like, you know, you are attractive. Right?

[D]

The dog that saved Hanukkah is a funny name. And I was the dog that saved Hanukkah. I mean, it is a. I do have. Thank you.

[C]

I don't know that because I'm. You know.

[B]

Obviously your husband's not telling you.

[D]

No, he's.

[B]

That's the problem. He doesn't compliment you, does he?

[C]

Worthless.

[B]

He doesn't say any.

[C]

Nothing. The other day I go, do I look okay?

[D]

And he goes, denim.

[C]

He just like says the name of the material.

[E]

That good or bad or you don't know?

[D]

No, you can't just say like 97% polyester. It's not going to cut it.

[B]

So you said, do I look at. He's like, denim.

[C]

He goes, denim.

[D]

There you go.

[E]

You just felt like a pretty, pretty princess when he said that, right?

[C]

Yeah, I know. I mean, the special is called big.

[D]

Guy because he calls me big guy.

[C]

Oh, no woman wants to be called big guy.

[B]

He calls you big guy?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

That is not hot.

[C]

No.

[B]

No wonder you have low self esteem.

[C]

I know. Let's play some soft piano music for me. I'll never love myself.

[E]

He should say something nice to you every day. You look beautiful.

[C]

Thank you. I love that.

[D]

I really did it. Now I feel empowered again.

[B]

Is it true that on the. I mean, on your wedding day, you obviously went out of your way to look gorgeous for him that day?

[D]

Sure. I had a team of people spackling.

[B]

What did he say to you? What were the cause?

[E]

Oh, no.

[C]

Oh, it wasn't good. What's that?

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, yeah. I was walking down the aisle and.

[D]

He goes first he goes, bring it in.

[C]

Which is.

[E]

Wait, what?

[C]

What's Bring it this way. How you talk to a running back. And then he goes, they did a.

[D]

Good job with the makeup.

[C]

Good job with the makeup will haunt me for.

[E]

Wait, but what was the first word? Bring it.

[C]

What? Bringing it. Which is crazy. Isn't that how you talk to like a running back or something? It's like unacceptable. It's not the words.

[D]

It's not the tone for your wedding day.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

Why didn't you just run? Yes. Turn around and walk out the door.

[C]

You know, I was running out of time. I wanted to have a. I zoomed.

[D]

Through all the red flags, you know, and I was very attracted to him.

[C]

He's my type. I do like, I overcorrect physically.

[B]

He's your type? Yes.

[C]

Yes. My dad is like, you know, his name is Howie and I talk about this in the special. He's a never ending sinus infection.

[D]

And now I'm attracted to like working.

[C]

Class guys that are kind of like, you know, dusty and traumatized, but at.

[D]

Least they can like, process dairy.

[E]

It's important. That is important.

[C]

Yes. It's the opposite of everything I come from. I come from just like liberals that just over. Listen, I Just, you know, my mom's never not protesting and she's just always relating through just weird stories of racial suffering. And now, you know, I'm just with the volume in it, bringing it. Yeah. If you opened up my husband's brain.

[D]

There'D be like nothing inside of it.

[C]

It'd be like a potato or something. Or like a giant's T shirt. Like, he doesn't have, like.

[D]

Yeah, there's nothing else there.

[E]

You're gonna have to bring him on the show next time. You know that, right, Jeff? Like, I need to meet this man.

[C]

Like, he'll say, like, one time I. I texted all the guys at the firehouse. Cause we were out drinking and I took his phone and I texted all the other guys that he's their boss. Hitting on them. Okay. Just. Cause I thought it'd be a funny thing to do.

[D]

So it's just like, yeah, you ever wanna, like, lay down the same bed like you.

[C]

But I tried to, like, mix it in with stuff they would actually talk about.

[D]

Like, hey, man, aoc. Like, yes or something, whatever.

[C]

So I just kept writing all this stuff like that and like hitting on all the guys. And in the morning, I was like, hey, Pete, do you want to tell all the guys that I was the one that hit on them so they.

[D]

Don'T all think you're their boss. Like, they all think you want to be inside them at this point.

[F]

And he's like.

[D]

And he's like, nah, water under the bridge. I'm like, not the right analogy at all, first of all.

[E]

And they're not forgetting anytime soon.

[C]

No. And you know what? He never, ever did. Isn't that fascinating? They all like. And then when we got engaged, one of the guys came up to me. Cause I brought him to the Comedy Cellar. And he was like, hey, we should talk. You know? And he's like, I'm a little worried about this. Like your husband. I think he might not be running.

[D]

In that direction, if you know what I mean? Or whatever.

[C]

And I was like, oh, no, that was me. And then he's like, why wouldn't he have told us? Like, he never felt the need to. And I reminded him, isn't fascinating personality type. Like, he truly. I am envious. Cause he truly doesn't, like, care.

[F]

The opposite of social anxiety.

[C]

Yes, the opposite.

[E]

I wish I had a little bit of that. Right? He cared less.

[C]

Yes. Like, I'm totally the opposite. Yeah. Like, he's. I got him a book about, like, sheds for his birthday. And like, that's what he thinks about sheds.

[B]

No, he's very simple minded, simple man.

[C]

And in a way, it's like, you know, refreshing. Yes. But unless you want like. Yeah. A compliment or something. No, he does. He's not that.

[B]

I get it. Did you have a complicated relationship before him?

[C]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

I understand because I did something. I dated a dipshit. And it was because I wanted. It was a complicated relationship and I just wanted light. I wanted light and fun and happy and it was like a big, dumb golden retriever.

[E]

Yes.

[C]

That's insanely insightful that you realize that, because the guy that I dated before him just was insanely jealous. Put spyware on my phone, did insane things. Foaming lunatic. And he just hated my job. And I feel like. And Pete, my husband, he doesn't care what I do. He's almost like an accidental feminist. Even though he probably thinks feminists are like Nazis or something, but because he's kind of like you. Do you like.

[D]

They love being firemen. So he gives me space and, you.

[C]

Know, there's an ease he's.

[B]

You brought up something that I can relate to. You said that. So your husband will leave several days at a time, like my brother. Right. And they'll be at the station. You say that when your husband comes home. He's actually dumber.

[D]

Yes.

[E]

I'm exhausted.

[C]

No, he is. Because imagine if at home, Imagine if your husband was spending the night with like 12 of the dumbest guys you could ever conjure up in your mind.

[E]

Like dumb through us.

[C]

Most of them are good.

[D]

You think they can come up with better ideas together? No.

[C]

They undo everything I've accomplished with him.

[E]

Yes, yes.

[C]

He'll go for one 24 hour shift.

[D]

And he'll come back and he'd be like, you know, Vinny says, legit.

[C]

We never went to the moon or just something legit.

[D]

Yeah, legit is the key.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He said the same thing when he.

[D]

Was like, you know, Vinnie says, he said his cousin stopped getting a period right after she got the vaccine.

[C]

I'm like, I've met his cousin. Gayle is 50, she's menopause.

[D]

He's like, nope, it's the fucking government.

[E]

Legit.

[D]

Yeah, legit.

[B]

Let me ask you this, ladies, because Annie, you have a theory on acne, right? And you had said. And Shane, you have the same theory.

[F]

I have a pimple on my lip. And she's like, you know how you got that?

[B]

Oh, she thinks blowjobs causes acne. But in Shane and Annie's case, it is true.

[E]

No, I, I, I actually never Really? I mean, I had a pimple here and there. I never had acne and I sucked a lot of.

[B]

Well, we know.

[E]

Yeah, but did you wash your face after? I.

[D]

Not.

[E]

Not immediately. I was like. Not like, let me be right back. I have to wash off my face. Maybe the inside of her mouth.

[B]

Oh, that's right.

[F]

A little list.

[D]

By the way, is there a water in.

[E]

Speaking of, she wants something.

[B]

I don't understand why Shane seemed to believe that that is the case.

[E]

You have a breakout every time you go down on your boyfriend. No, because I wash my face right after now. Oh, and that cleared it all up.

[B]

Now, Shane, you clearly did not wash your face after. I didn't because you have a big zit right on the top of your upper lip.

[C]

Did you hook up last night?

[B]

No, I have a partner a couple days ago.

[E]

He has a partner.

[D]

I know. That's how my mom says it.

[C]

I was like, I may regret this.

[B]

Clarification, but is it just from the act of it or from the result? The result?

[D]

No, the result.

[B]

Oh, the act.

[F]

The act.

[B]

I've assumed it was the result.

[F]

No, we talked about this.

[E]

That's good for your skin, to have it come all over your face.

[C]

My grandmother told me that. She said, semen does nothing better than semen for your skin.

[D]

It really is.

[B]

Your grandmother said that?

[D]

I'm just kidding. My bat mitzvah.

[C]

Yeah, she was like, happy bat mitzvah. Remember, semen will clear you up a little bit.

[B]

It does. Now, is it true that when your husband is home, he's on the citizen's app looking for fires?

[C]

Yes. They're all obsessed with, like, nothing. He'd rather be inside of a fire than a woman. Most days, like, they can't get nothing.

[D]

Gets more rock hard like the founding fathers in a big, open, roaring fire.

[B]

It's so crazy. Cause my brother had one of those.

[C]

Like, he did too.

[B]

Like a radio. Like one of those radios where you hear the calls. Yes. And it was in our house.

[E]

It's annoying.

[B]

It's really annoying. And he would listen to those calls all day.

[C]

And he also reads to me about fires throughout history and tries to, like, quiz me.

[D]

He'll be like, triangle fire in like 1904.

[C]

Something like some factory fire he always talks about. And I'm just like, I don't want.

[D]

To sit around and do this with you. But he just loves it.

[E]

Has he ever been in, like. Like a near death fire? Has he ever, like, been in a fire?

[C]

He's not been into a near death, but he Was in a fire where he was like in it for hours. And I knew he was in there, so I kind of like freaked out. I sort of like, I went to pick up. Because he never is late to pick up my daughter from her daycare. Like, for me he'd be late like a good half hour at least. But he was late. And so I just like wept to her daycare lady. And she was very helpful to me. But yeah, he was fine and he loved it. I was like panicking and then we. I ended up. She drove me with my daughter Frankie. Like, she drove me over to the firehouse to like, wait for him to come back. And then he came back and he.

[D]

Was like all covered in soot. And he was like, it was awesome.

[E]

Oh, geez.

[B]

You have life insurance on him?

[C]

You know what? This is so embarrassing.

[B]

Please don't tell me.

[C]

No, I probably do, but I'm just so probably do. I'm sure I do, but I'm so worthless with stuff like that. Like, he handles all the things. I'm like an ADD comic.

[D]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

He's a very dangerous job. You need to make sure you have life insurance on him.

[C]

I'm sure he does.

[F]

I don't trust him to do paperwork.

[E]

Me neither.

[C]

No, he's like, we go with that stuff. Like everything's in his name because he can fill out like forms.

[D]

He's very, like, buttoned up, you know, he like, labels all his chargers.

[C]

Like, he's annoying.

[B]

I'm just not totally sold on your career. So we need to make sure. We need to make sure that there's money there.

[C]

If this is my big break, Mr. Hollywood's gonna listen to this and put me in the pictures. He's gonna hear me on Jeff Lewis and say, I ought to be a star.

[B]

Now you did say that having your daughter really softened him.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And if you had a son, and I very much relate to this, he would be raising a son very differently than how he's ra raising your daughter. Is that correct?

[C]

A thousand percent. My mother in law said that to me and I hate that she was right about that. But she was like, peter needs a.

[D]

Girl to soften his heart.

[C]

If he has a boy, he will.

[D]

Push, push, push him.

[C]

And she was right because, like, he's like, all the things that I wanted him to do, he like just did. When I gave him a girl, like, it's. It absolutely changed him. Yeah, but like, still, it's also kind.

[D]

Of sad because I see that, like, he has the capacity for him.

[C]

It'S in there.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Cause, like, he'll still talk to her.

[D]

In a way he'll never talk to me. Like, I heard him, like, tucking her.

[C]

In the other night.

[D]

And he's like, you're beautiful just the way you are.

[C]

And I'm like, I know, but he said I was denim.

[B]

That's really sweet.

[C]

It does. No, it is adorable. Like, she's. I joke about this on stage.

[D]

Like, she.

[C]

She's, like, really want. In that stage where she wants to marry him.

[D]

Because it's like, the Edicus thing.

[C]

So she's five, and she does this little, like, wedding. Thank you so much. And she does this wedding, and she'll act it out. She'll be like, you know, she'll get all dressed up, and she's like, I'm gonna marry Daddy. And, like, I'm gonna be jealous. She's like, and you can't come. Go ahead. Just. He's an alcoh.

[E]

You can have them. Wait. Who did Monroe want to marry when she was little?

[B]

She did want to. I think she wanted to marry me at one point. I mean, you know, we're long. Yeah, she did want to marry me for a long time.

[C]

Is that your daughter?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's so cute.

[B]

She's not well. About to turn nine, so she's outgrown that. I want to marry now. She does not want to, but did.

[E]

She feel that way?

[B]

She doesn't want to live with me anymore. She talks about moving out, and she's really.

[F]

She's saving up for apartment.

[B]

She's got $5,000 saved.

[C]

Do something amazing with her life. That she's that, like, brave and, like, in such an individual.

[B]

She's ready to go, and she thinks she has enough money to move all those Labubus.

[E]

If she sells, she'll be good to go.

[F]

You're right.

[C]

Is she an only child?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

See, I feel like only children also, they grow up, like, a little earlier, and they think they're, like, adults. And Monroe is a cool name, too. That's the name of a woman who is independent. Like, that's the friend you admire when you're still a mess. Monroe gets it. Yeah.

[B]

Is it true that your husband likes to shop at Costco?

[C]

Yeah. He's upset. He actually. He should not have told me this, but when he proposed to me, he drove down to Maryland because he decided he was gonna ask my dad in person, you know, And I was like, that's so sweet that you wanted to.

[D]

And he's like, yeah, because I could get the new iPhone tax free at Costco in Delaware.

[B]

Also.

[E]

Have you ever been to Costco? It's kind of amazing.

[C]

He's obsessed.

[B]

Really.

[C]

Do you like it?

[F]

I'm obsessed, yes.

[C]

Yeah. What do you love about it? He loves it too.

[F]

I just. They have everything. Like every little kind of thing and like. And like, it's good quality. There's a lot of it.

[E]

Yeah. But I convinced myself I need things that I don't need. Like, you don't need like a gallon of mayo or like, you know.

[B]

Did he buy your ring? You're in your engagement.

[C]

I tried to, but I had that.

[B]

I have to say, Costco has decent jewelry.

[C]

I kind of. I have heard that since then. I just. There was something about it that was.

[B]

McDonald used to walk in with like really nice pieces of jewelry that she would get at Costco. You saw it, Andy.

[C]

I just did her pod.

[B]

I would always, like. I would always compliment her and her jewelry and she'd be like, costco, Costco.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

Admitting it too.

[C]

It's funny because we were talking about that on her pod last week because her husband's very similar to mine and loves. Loves Costco, Bulk and. Yeah. His name is Peter too. They're both the same. Like, very similar. Like when we, you know, she's like. When I look at him, it's kind of similar. Like he's just thinking about, like yard shit or something. You know, they're thinking about like moas and stuff. Yeah.

[D]

And chess.

[B]

Golf.

[C]

And golf.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Your Peter Golf.

[C]

He hasn't. But when I told him about her Peter, because we're gonna try to get her guys on like a double date when I'm in la, he was like.

[D]

Oh, yeah, that'd be solid.

[C]

So I think he'll be into it right away. Like he needs it. Just cause he wants to talk to other men. Dudes.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Now, is it true that your daughter doesn't maybe see you as the authority figure like she does Peter, and she doesn't call you mom, she calls you sweetie.

[E]

Yeah, she talks to me like an hi, sweetie.

[C]

I've like, tried to curb it, but she talks to me like an older waitress at a diner or something.

[E]

Give me a sweet hat.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I'll be like, frankie, it's time for bed. She goes, not now, sweetie.

[E]

That's legendary. She's iconic. I'm obsessed.

[C]

Yeah, she's very, like. She gaslights me, you know, when you. I overcorrected with her. Like I built her up too much and she thinks she knows everything. So she talks down too much. Yeah, she gets this like, listening sticker in her preschool, and that's all she cares about, is this listening sticker. And I picked her up, I go, did you get your listening sticker today? And she goes, sadly, no. Like, that's how she talked to me. And then she kind of put her hand on my shoulder like I was.

[D]

The bitch waiting for a listening sticker. I'm like, that's your thing. Actually, I'm fine.

[B]

What would you do in this situation? So, you know, long story short, Monroe was taking a lot of labubus to school. She had like nine or something on her backpack. Labubus were since banned.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

And they.

[B]

Because of Monroe. But it's like a whole nother really. She was giving out labubus. Some kids got them, some didn't.

[E]

This all goes back to you, though. This is all you.

[D]

You did this?

[B]

No, all I did was buy the labubus.

[E]

Right.

[B]

So. And then I said, sure, share some with your friends. And then she started kind of, you know, alienating people against each other and all this. Anyway, so the school banned the Labubus. So then I see her, she's like, bye, daddy, I'm going to school. And I said, okay, make sure to get your sweater. And I go, are those the boo boos on your backpack? And yeah, sure enough, she put two right back on her backpack. And I'm like, what's the school gonna think of that? She's like, they're not gonna notice. But I just thought, okay, as a parent, what do I do here? Because the labubas were banned, she clearly doesn't give a fuck. She put two on her backpack. I'm just gonna let.

[C]

If the school reprimands her, I feel like she's epic. She's gonna fucking start a company or something. That's just some bold ass shit.

[E]

But the fact that you're questioning. Bizarre. As a parent, what do I do? You tell her to take them all.

[B]

I just thought to myself, though, there was part of me that is like, wow, she kind of doesn't give a. Like. And you know what I mean?

[E]

No, it doesn't.

[C]

Boldly.

[B]

Boldly. But. But then I thought, well, let the school reprimand her if. If there's a problem, and then she can, you know, suffer the consequences.

[E]

But what makes you think she gives a. What the school is saying, like, if they reprimand her again?

[B]

I don't know. But I mean, there was.

[C]

But I see what you mean a little bit because I have the instinct to, like, step In a lot. Sometimes I think, like, she has to deal with her own consequences. There is something in that y. To just let her deal with it because she clearly, she didn't give a shit. So how is she gonna handle it? You know, I follow some parenting broad that always tells me what to do, although I can, like, never follow it. But she always says, you know, when your kid's, like, upset about something, instead of, like, answering it, be like, well, what would you do? Like, what are you gonna do about that?

[B]

I'm worried, to be honest, that the school's a little soft because I went to, like, a hardcore Catholic school and I was in detention. Detention all the time. And she really. She really should have already been in detention. And she's not.

[C]

Right. What would you. What would you get in detention for, though? Yeah, that is a little early.

[B]

Everything.

[C]

Third grade is early.

[B]

But she called 911 on the class trip and said that someone was hurt. So the paramedics and the ambulance.

[E]

What I need to know all of it.

[D]

You can't zoom past that detail.

[B]

So that happened recently. So I. I feel like. And I said to the principal, like, you know, are you guys planning on doing anything? And she goes, well, I mean, it didn't. It didn't really seem like it was that big of an issue, but to me, it was an issue, so I thought they would put her in detention or something. I feel like the school's a little soft.

[C]

Are they, like, fans of the show?

[D]

Because sometimes I could backfire. They won't, like, put their foot down with your kid. Do they watch your show?

[B]

I think the school in general is maybe a little soft.

[E]

That's, like, suspension worthy. Like, that's a very big deal. Kind of a big deal to call.

[B]

And, like, lie or referral. Like, I would get a lot of referrals, which were three to two detentions. If you got a referral, it was three detentions. Okay, I got a lot of those.

[E]

You still get them?

[B]

I only got suspended once.

[C]

But were you suspended?

[B]

You weren't supposed to have parties. And some asshole. Like, I would have huge parties every year when my dad was out of town. And some asshole left the party flyer in the Xerox machine of the library. And they called me in and you're not allowed. And it said, like, five kegs, two bands. And then there was a lot of, like, sexual references. And so I got suspended. Oh, I got suspended twice, actually.

[E]

Makes a fire for a high school. I know.

[D]

That's fascinating too, because you were, like.

[B]

A little entrepreneur my best friend, Chuck Robinson.

[E]

Thanks Chuck Robinson.

[B]

Chuck Robinson left it in the Xerox machine.

[E]

Damn you Chuck.

[C]

But what is he doing now?

[E]

Yeah, are you still friends with Chuck?

[B]

Nope.

[C]

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[E]

Nope.

[C]

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[E]

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[C]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Nicole, you also had a party in high school.

[E]

Bad. Like a big one. Like, my parents were gone. It was a big one. And my next door neighbor was in, like an angry old Italian man named Jerry. And he called the cops on me, and I got in so much trouble. And then a few months later, he was found dead. Oh, no, sorry.

[D]

Not.

[E]

I ruined that story. He was not found dead. His sister, his daughter in law was found dead because he stabbed her. So he went to jail. Sorry. Isn't that crazy?

[C]

Wow.

[E]

I was like, karma shouldn't have called the cops on me.

[B]

Yeah, he just deserved it.

[C]

Yeah, well, he did because he stabbed someone.

[E]

Stabbed her seven times.

[F]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[F]

Oh, Jerry.

[B]

But he called the cops on your party.

[E]

What does that have to do with the party, though? Nothing, it's just. It's just weird. It's just weird that, like, that happened. And then a few months later, he's gone, you know, so he's psycho. He's psycho.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He sounds like a. Yeah, he's unwell. And he sounds like he's furious at women.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

You didn't like.

[C]

That's what I like to say when anybody insults me anyway. Just because they're afraid of strong women.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. So I'm about to bring up a subject that I'm sure not everyone is going to be happy about. And so we have to kind of tread lightly. But there is something that I very much related to you. So you struggled in school and you had a tutor, and it turned out that your tutor had been accused of molesting some of his students. Is that correct?

[C]

A gaggle of girls. I shouldn't say a gaggle. A loose dozen is probably the more respectful way to put it. No, but.

[B]

But he was not interested in.

[C]

Jesus didn't even look at my knee. Nothing. Not even a glance at a thigh? No. I'm pretty sure it's because I was so dumb in math that I, He. I infuriated him too much to, like, for him to be attracted to me. My stupidity, like, saved me from a molesting because I remember my mom. First of all, this would only happen in the 80s where your mom would just drop you off at like, some guy's unfinished basement for like an hour and a half to be tutored on long division, you know? And I do remember going back there. I remember his wife, like, checking on us, like, looking downstairs and then I could see the moment where she was like, he's not into her. Like, I'm not worried about It.

[E]

But did you find out about the. Did you find out about the possible molestation before or after your parents didn't send you?

[C]

After they found out this wasn't. Sorry. I just screamed that in such a jarring way. Now I found out. No, like, this was just a couple years ago. My friend was like, remember that guy that. She went to my high school too. And she was like, I think it was. No, it was junior high school. She was like, yeah, he. Mr. First of all, just say his last name. Mr. File. Like, what are the odds that that's his last name? Yes, what are the odds? Obviously, as a comedian, like, as a person, it's horrifying. But as a comedian, like, what a gift that that's his name. Like, what are the odds?

[F]

But if that was in a show, I'd be like, it's too on the nose.

[D]

Too on the nose.

[C]

That's how I feel about my own mother in law. Because she's such a character.

[D]

Like, I can't believe she's real. She's like a parody of a mother in law.

[C]

And I'm like, no, you're too, like.

[D]

Overly written as a character, you know.

[C]

Like, she was like, scream.

[D]

Crying on my wedd. She's like, I'm losing my size.

[B]

I very much related to this because after I graduated high school, again, I went to a Catholic high school. One of the priests was accused of inappropriate behavior with male students. And I happened to spend a lot of time with this person. He was a teacher. And there was a part of me.

[E]

Oh, no, don't say it, Jeff, don't say it.

[B]

I was a little offended.

[E]

Of course you were.

[B]

That he never hit on me.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

Because I used to be hot.

[E]

You're still hot.

[D]

You're hot.

[B]

But then. And I just, like, there is a part of me that's like, what am I not sexy? Like, what? I don't understand, honestly, because.

[C]

Because it's. Because you're. You would have talked back too much because it's because of your spunk, dog.

[E]

Oh, you would have talked spunk.

[C]

Saved you from a molesting. I don't know why I have to keep saying things in my grandma's voice.

[E]

I like it. I like it.

[C]

Yeah, it was your fire. They don't want a fiery one. Yeah, but did you try to. In my case, it was my stupidity. I bet. In your case it was like, yeah, you were too sick. They don't. They go for the kids that are looking down, not like the entrepreneurs that are, like, calling major parties. Yeah.

[E]

Did you. Did you, like, ever, like, hit on him and, like, see if you could make it happen?

[B]

No, this was one of the. It's just one of the things that happens later, you know, years and years later. He was accused, and it did occur to me.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

I'm like, I don't understand. Yeah.

[E]

What about me?

[B]

Am I not pretty enough?

[C]

No. I mean, that's what. That's what it would make me do, too. You are pretty enough.

[B]

I made it about myself, but I made it about myself. And I'm sorry for the other kids. Kids. But you know what?

[C]

Goes without saying. We're all sorry.

[B]

There is a. I still think about it.

[C]

I do, too. You think I don't think about it?

[D]

Not even a glance at a thigh?

[A]

Nothing.

[D]

He might have beat me, but he wasn't gonna molest me, that's for sure. He might have thrown me against a wall.

[C]

I remember how pissed off you get because I had questions, like, during the dumbest. They think you're not supposed to have questions, like, the premise of the problem. And I was just exhausting him. Like, I remember, like, I was like. We would start doing word problems, and. And I'd be like, I have a question too early in the word problems. I really hate word problems. Cause they seem like they're gonna be, like, fun, but they're just as awful as the rest of Matt. Like, we don't go anywhere cool or fun. So he'd be like, you know, Natalie went to the store to get three peppermints. And then Tracy, her friend, came, and I'm like, but what was Natalie's childhood?

[D]

And he's like, God damn it, I'm not into you. Just so you know. I want nothing to do with that rack.

[E]

Did you have big boobs when you were, like, young? Like, medium?

[C]

One of my breasts grew before the other had, like, a starter tit for a year. That was problematic. And then it kind of.

[B]

But they look good now. How big are they?

[C]

They've evened out now. But there was, like, one year where, like, when you're growing, like, c. I don't mind saying my tits up, please.

[D]

The things I've said. Yeah.

[C]

At 34C.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Thank you. I just want to thank my team at WME for my rack.

[B]

Now, is it true there is. There's a more famous Rachel Feinstein out there who happens to be a very famous sculptor. We know each other, and the Wikipedia, unfortunately, confuses all the information. And she happens to be 10 years older than you, and people mistake you for the Older Rachel Feinstein.

[E]

Oh, wow. There she is.

[F]

She's a stunner.

[C]

She's hot, too. Also. Her life is, like, the most glamorous life in the world. So here my husband said, good job with the makeup on my wedding day. Her husband is the most famous modern artist, John. And she's also extremely famous artist. And we have, like, a mutual friend, Irene Bremes, who's a hilarious comedian. She's the one who was married to the firefighter, the hot one. Introduced me to my husband. And so basically what happened is, like, I, like, still owed my old, like, bank account, like, that.

[D]

I never.

[C]

I forgot to close just because I'm an animal. Like, 70 bucks or something. And it just kept messing with her. Like, she was getting notices about it.

[E]

She hunted you down.

[C]

And my friend Irene just kept gently reminding me, like, if you just want to figure that out, because Rachel and John is still getting the. You know, And I'm just like, for fuck's sake. Like, and then she. I would get offers, and then they would softly un. Offer them to me. They were really intended for her, and it was heartbreaking. Like, when I first met my husband, I got this call from my, like, agent. He was like, hey, Oprah wants to meet you. First of all, she was having an evening about, like, people she's intrigued by. Like, a dinner with Oprah. First of all, you walk different if.

[D]

You think Oprah's intrigued by. I was, like, cocky.

[C]

My whole personality changed. And I told my.

[D]

The guy that I just meet, this.

[C]

Fireman, I'm like, and guess what? So if you want to come to this, Oprah's intrigued.

[D]

And then my agent, like, called back, and he's like, ooh, there's been a little mix up.

[C]

They wanted the other Rachel Feinstein. And so then I was like, well, no, tell him I moved my schedule and just, like, get me in that fucking dinner. Cause I'm not gonna tell Backdraft that Oprah's not intrigued by me.

[F]

No, I'm intrigued by Oprah.

[C]

Thank you. Yes, I'm intrigued by her. And they were pretty. It was still a hard.

[D]

No, they were like, nah, there's. They probably had a picture of me at the front door. The bouncer. Like, God forbid she tries to get.

[C]

In, don't let her. But yeah, so she kept getting offers for, like, really? And I. I got, like, something this. I should have known this was on me. But they were like, vanity Fair wants to, like, honor your, like, fashion choices. I'm like, please, bitch. Like, you shop at, like, Abercrombie, like, no one's following your trends. But I thought for a while that.

[D]

I like, they want I was gonna get some sort of fashion icon award or some shit.

[B]

So it's safe.

[D]

And then she probably gets offered like uncle funnies in like Tampa or something.

[B]

It's safe to assume that anytime you get an offer or an award, it's for the other Rachel.

[D]

Absolutely safe. More than safe.

[B]

Now. It's true that. So you grew up, was it Maryland?

[C]

Where'd you grow up? Yes, I grew up in Bethesda, Maryland.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And also, by the way, her husband painted her for a long time and then he met the woman he had been painting. That was their story. By the way, she's also the sweetest, loveliest person. Of course we did end up meeting and then we ended up doing this exhibit together called the Two Rachel Feinsteins. Cause she was supposed to do something at the Jewish museum. And so she was showing her art.

[D]

And then I just told fun loving tales or something.

[E]

It's way more romantic what he did for her than bringing it. Yeah, right.

[C]

I was haunted by this. Imagine like a man paints you. I mean, meets the woman that he's always been painting.

[D]

Meanwhile, my husband's like, good job with the makeup.

[B]

So the other Rachel Feinstein got the life that you always wanted?

[C]

Yes, I would like. She has the most glamorous. And she's also just like extremely creative. Like you can't even resent it because she's just. She's like an artist and a sculptor. Like she's a cool ass person.

[E]

Do they have things in common?

[C]

Yeah, she's really. Our husbands are like both like libertarians, so they probably get along. Yeah, she was lovely. We did the same exhibit it and you know, maybe, I don't know, maybe one day we'll be friends. But for the meantime, she's going to get offers to play Dr. Grins, which.

[D]

By the way, I'll be there this Friday. Grand rapids.

[B]

Yeah. So October 24th or 25th, you're in Grand Rapids, Michigan. December 5th through 7th, you're in Phoenix, Arizona, 19th through 20th. Syracuse, New York, 26 or 28, Charlotte, North Carolina. And then you go into your January, February dates. You can go to Rachel Rachel Feinstein or you can go to rachelfeinstein.com. is that correct, Rachel Feinstein?

[C]

Yes. Or you can go to Punch Up Live. Punch Up Live is a comedy site where a lot of comedians have all their schedules. So I'm there as well. And my Instagram is Rachel Feinstein.

[B]

And you are. I know my listeners are going to be shocked, but you are an accomplished comedian. You have a Netflix special out called Big Guy Special.

[D]

Aside from being the dog that saved Hanukkah.

[C]

Y.

[B]

So you're doing well?

[C]

I think so.

[D]

It's starting to.

[C]

Things are turning a corner. I never thought I'd be able to get my hours on Netflix, so I'm excited. Yeah.

[B]

Your family struggled financially when you were growing up.

[D]

They did.

[B]

And you had said that you had a car with no working doors. Is that correct?

[C]

That is correct. I love that. You really actually did research. Most people just come in and they think I'm like Dianne Feinstein, like, the dead senator.

[E]

How did you get in the car?

[C]

We had to. All the doors were broken, and my dad would take the back door and put it up with a broomstick. This is how I was dropped off at high school, in case, like, you're wondering why things went awry in my life, why I ended up doing stand up.

[B]

This was probably part of the tailgate.

[C]

So he would basically prop up the back door with the trunk with the broomstick, and then we'd have to climb out of it because the springs were broken. So we had to. By the way, if that snapped, it was gonna break my neck. But that's how I was dropped off at high school. Yeah, that's how you got in the car. And my brother had puked in it so much. My dad used to call it the Feinstein barf mobile. And used.

[D]

Yeah. Drop you off in the old barf mobile.

[E]

Did you get made fun of?

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I mean. I mean, I talked a lot of trash too. I can't play the victim too much. I mean, I was obnoxious as well. And I was also always in detention. I did, like a detention dance and stuff.

[B]

But I'm just trying to figure. So it's in the morning, you're getting ready to go to school, your dad goes and open. You can't get in the doors. Was it two doors or four doors?

[C]

It was. There was the Datsun and this other disgusting van. I think the Datsun was the barf mobile that we had to use. That. Yeah, I think it was the V210. Four doors. Yes. Like a red Datsun. Just the most archaic. Also, part of it's because my mom was a social worker and she's like, a bleeding heart liberal, so she would keep taking this car back to the mechanic, and I think they were just, like, robbing her blinds. But like, anyone that's not white she's like so liberal. She's racist. Like anyone that's not white, she just trusts implicitly she's supposed to. Yes. She's like, salvatore has an autistic son. I'm like, what does that have to do with our car? I'm not like, no one's going to college in this family. Because this Salvatore, right, yeah.

[B]

Did you have them drop you off, like away from school?

[C]

Sometimes I would request that, yes. And my dad also had like. He was. My dad's a blues musician. He was a civil rights lawyer, but then he ended up like he worked for the government, but he ended up trying to get a job in private practice. And then he couldn't like schmooze because he's not a schmoozing guy, you know. And then he started playing blues full time. But he had this. He's a blues musician now, but he had this band called Hands across, you know, the Vomitones. And they played a tour which consisted of two dive bars in Michigan called Hands Across Uranus Tours. So he was often wearing the Hands Across Uranus T shirt.

[B]

I did want to ask you more about your mother. You said you call her the pain chamber.

[C]

Yes, yes.

[B]

Explain that to me.

[C]

Well, she like, her favorite art is she loves to kind of tell you dark information about people you don't remember in the first place. So. And she likes to whatever she has an art of sort of whatever you bring up with her. She likes to kind of get to the bott of someone's trauma and just sort of have a face off. Like if you mention something about your childhood or any struggle, you know, she has like a leg up.

[E]

That's a social worker in her.

[C]

Yes. And then she tries to relate it back to like some Nigerian woman she met once at an airport. She always tries to just everything is related back to, you know, some sort of like vague suffering from a country, a non white country. And she just has pictures of random kids on our walls that like aren't ours. They're just like frightened looking. Either way, I'll show you the video because I really do. It's on my phone right now. Yes, it's just different. Random, just sort of like beige kids just from different beige countries.

[E]

But in your house or in her house?

[C]

No, in our house. It's just like wide eyed sort of National Geographic kids. And then my picture, not in a frame, it's just like about to slide behind a desk. But then there's just like five different. Yeah, like we were just like sitting around the other day. And she goes, I just feel so sad about some of the things that happen to the natives in this country. Like, out of nowhere, I'm like, mom, can you still enjoy Moana?

[E]

It's a great movie.

[D]

She just.

[C]

Yeah, she just loves to talk about suffering. And whenever you ask her, she's never not protesting. You guys in the quietest cul de sac. It's like her and five of the whitest women you could ever conjure up in your mind protesting racism.

[D]

No one's driving by, not a single car.

[C]

My mom has a letter on her.

[D]

Sign in, like, size six font. Like, she has the Declaration of Independence on her sign. It's illegible.

[E]

I sort of love her.

[C]

Yeah. She's just like, dear Trump, here are.

[D]

The following freedoms you've taken from me and my friend Maureen Hands out.

[C]

Meanwhile. Yeah, she's intense. She's intense. By the way, they, like, wheeled. One of the ladies is in a wheelchair, and they put a sign around.

[D]

Her neck, which I think is dead wrong.

[C]

And of all the things to put on, it was like, save the Smithsonian or something. I'm like, everything that's, like, at the top of their list, because they're still just suburban women that want to have their latte at the Smithsonian or whatever, you know?

[B]

So I'm sorry. They had a woman in. Somebody in a wheelchair.

[C]

I kind of zoomed through that and regretted it as soon as I said it, but yet one of her friends is in a wheelchair, and my mom put a sign around her neck, which I didn't think was really very nice, because how do you know that Barbara really approved that sign, you know, Right. During the protest? Yeah, because she was a little sleepy that day.

[B]

So they decorated her.

[E]

They decorated her.

[B]

Yes. Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis Ladd every weekday on Sirius XM, as well as the Jeff Lewis Channel, exclusively on the SiriusXM app.