Robby Hoffman & Zach Noe Towers: Violations & Chest Hair

Summary

Jeff Lewis Has Issues
Episode: Robby Hoffman & Zach Noe Towers: Violations & Chest Hair
Date: December 12, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode is classic Jeff Lewis: candid, chaotic, and packed with laughs. Comedians Robby Hoffman and Zach Noe Towers join Jeff for a freewheeling discussion that ranges from parking lot drama and questionable workplace etiquette to showbiz stories and chest hair oversharing. Robby dishes on her new Netflix special, reflects on her time in the series "Hacks," and navigates a caffeine-fueled whodunit around her missing coffee order. Zach gets roasted for his open shirt and fluffy hair, while the group debates everything from luxury hotels to life advice for living well on a budget. The episode is a madcap blend of showbiz gossip, personal confessions, and genuinely useful (if unconventional) life tips.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Water/Coffee Debacle & Parking Lot "Violations"

• Robby arrives parched and humorously laments not getting water or coffee when she arrives, only to learn she's being paid for appearing—"That'll help me when I have to get my car out the lot when it's towed. Because you almost had me parking in a violated spot." (01:46)
• The parking confusion triggers a back-and-forth about misunderstood instructions and whether Robby "violated" another staff member’s unofficial spot, sparking a debate on the lack of clear signage and corporate pettiness.
• Robby’s account of her parking paranoia is a running gag: "That's the R word. And we know what that means. Sexually violated, perhaps. Okay. And towed. So on top of you've just been sexually harassed, assaulted, now your car's towed." (04:33)

Notable Quote:
Robby: "She could cost her $10 on Amazon to print out her name and stick it on that goddamn spot." (03:41)

2. The Saga of the Coffee Order: Who is to Blame?

• Multiple staffers pass the buck over Robby's missing coffee order, culminating in the appearance of the mysterious Charlene who helps clear up the confusion and, with comic timing, absolves everyone.
• The crew investigates the text chain tangle, with Robby mock-threatening, "What if we were able to get a warrant? ... We have to confiscate the phone." (08:21)

Memorable Exchange:
Jeff: "So who did that go to?"
Robby: "That was in her notes app." (07:31-07:34)

Charlene’s Redemptive Moment:
Robby: "This coffee had nothing to do. Everybody is innocent. Everybody has been cleared thanks to Charlene clearing her name. You see what turning yourself in can do." (28:10)

3. Robby’s Breakout—Netflix Special & “Hacks”

• Robby promotes her Netflix special (Dec. 14) and discusses being cast in "Hacks" as Randy, a role written for her but which she still had to audition for:
  • "The creators of the show loved Robbie Hoffman, and they said, we've never seen a character like that on tv. That's how Randy was born. So there would be no Randy without Robbie. The character was written for me. ... Let's say I didn't get the part that was written for me." (11:04–12:41)
• Emmy nomination: Robby recounts the surreal Emmys night, losing, and then improvising a hilarious presentation with her sister Chaya:
  • "My circumstance has changed. When I said I would present, I thought I was winning." (18:00)
  • "So anyway, I get up to present. I forget the whole whatever they have in the prompter, and I get out there, I go, I lost. There's nothing to say. Apparently the night had been really droning on. It was a huge laugh, people." (18:06)
• Robby reveals she already has an Emmy for writing and teases her upcoming HBO scripted show. (19:06–19:31)

4. Zach Noe Towers’ “Violations”—Chest Hair and Comedic Rivalry

• Jeff and Robby roast Zach for unbuttoned shirts and excessive chest hair:
  • Robby: "Look, how much chest hair am I expecting? Is this the violation the parking lot was talking about?" (21:05)
  • Zach leans in, threatening to unbutton more, and the group riffs on “slutty Mr. Rogers" (25:57).
• Banter about hair vs. chest hair, personal grooming, and queer representation leads to a playful, lovingly savage dynamic.

Notable Quote:
Jeff: "Can you do a couple buttons, please?"
Zach: "No, I'll unbutton more." (21:11–21:12)

5. Showbiz Nostalgia and LGBTQ+ TV

• The group reminisces about "Queer as Folk" and "The L Word," dissecting characters, authenticity, and representation:
  • Robbie: "You remind me of... I loved Queer as the first gay show I watched... you could be little Justin, who I'm obsessed with." (21:35–21:51)
• Funny analysis of “accountant representation” and how TV characters reflected (or didn’t) their realities.

6. Class, Aesthetics, & How to Live Well on a Budget

• Robby shares pragmatic—if slightly irreverent—life hacks for feeling “rich” even on a tight budget, emphasizing neatness, good towels, and thoughtful, practical gifts:
  • "If you are poor in this country, one way to feel rich is to keep neat. Less is more." (14:21, 30:14, 40:46)
• There’s a thread of genuine advice beneath the jokes about poverty, living conditions, and making the most of little.

7. Buying Versus Renting, Investment Advice

• Spirited debate erupts when the topic of real estate comes up; Robby questions whether buying property really makes sense in California, suggesting investing in S&P 500 instead.
• Zach and Jeff push back, highlighting the emotional resonance of home ownership.

8. The $2,000 Ritz-Carlton “Chump Hack”

• Caller Jeanette shares an insider tip: Each Ritz-Carlton employee has a $2,000 allowance per incident to resolve guest complaints—including free nights and room credits.
• The gang jokes about “finding something to complain about” and missing the opulent, old-school luxury of hotels:
  • "To complain is to enjoy... There is a draft. I'm happy, I'm thrilled with the restaurant. There is a draft." (45:40–45:58)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parking Lot Warnings:
  “That's the R word. And we know what that means. Sexually violated, perhaps. … So on top of you've just been sexually harassed, assaulted, now your car's towed.” – Robby, (04:33)

• On Losing at the Emmys:
  “We show up, we had a splash of champagne, we sit in the seat. I lose. … My sister goes, we don't need this shit. My sister goes, we don't need this shit. We're late. We leave.” – Robby, (16:15)

• On Living Well Poor:
  “If you are poor in this country, one way to feel rich is to keep neat. Less is more.” – Robby, (30:14)

• On Chest Hair:
  “How much chest hair am I expected to look at? … Is this the violation the parking lot was talking about?” – Robby, (21:05)
  “It's slutty Mr. Rogers.” – Zach, (25:57)

• On Hotel Complaints:
  "To complain is to enjoy... There is a draft. I'm happy, I'm thrilled with the restaurant. There is a draft." – Robby, (45:40–45:58)

• On Why to Rent, Not Buy:
  “Because in California, it doesn't even make sense to buy unless you're really... No, it doesn't. Why does it make sense?” – Robby, (48:09–48:11)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:21-05:10: Robby’s water deprivation, getting paid, and parking-lot drama
• 06:00-09:12: The coffee order debacle and internal blame game
• 09:52-14:41: Robby details her Netflix special, Emmy nomination, and “Hacks” casting story
• 18:00-19:06: Robby’s Emmy loss and impromptu Emmys presentation with her sister
• 19:31-21:23: Robby’s writing career, upcoming HBO show, her performing process
• 21:05-26:15: Zach’s chest hair, grooming habits, and Queer as Folk nostalgia
• 28:10-29:20: Charlene clears her name regarding the coffee order
• 30:14-31:22: Robby’s poverty tips for feeling rich: neatness, towels, gifts
• 40:46-42:27: More on growing up with little, making “neatness” a status symbol
• 43:24-44:13: Ritz-Carlton “$2,000 rule” hack, luxury complaints
• 48:01-49:30: The great California rent vs. buy debate

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Episode Energy & Tone

The show is a high-velocity, no-filter group chat, swinging between sharp quips and sincere storytelling. Jeff Lewis is in his element as the deadpan ringleader, Robby Hoffman is uncensored and quick-witted, and Zach Noe Towers matches the mood with goofy, self-deprecating charm. Topics bounce from personal victories to playful shaming and practical advice—always with plenty of audience asides and in-jokes.

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Summary:
If you love unscripted chemistry, insider showbiz talk, and big laughs about life’s everyday absurdities, this episode delivers. Whether you tune in for parking lot feuds or behind-the-scenes stories of comedy success, you’ll find both wisdom and wild fun among the “violations and chest hair.”

Transcript

[Robbie Hoffman]

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[Radio Announcer]

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[Robbie Hoffman]

When you're Jeff Lewis, the drama never stops.

[Jeff Lewis]

I have no problem prioritizing myself.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I'm glad that you're feeling so good about this. But the truth is I got fired and it's your fucking fault.

[Jeff Lewis]

She gets paid for this shit. You get paid for this shit.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Jeff Lewis has issues.

[Jeff Lewis]

Hey, it's Jeff Lewis and I have issues. In this episode, comedians Robbie Hoffman and Zach Noe Towers. Join the show. We chat about Robbie's new Netflix special and her parking garage violation. Plus Zach's exposed chest hair makes us all uncomfortable. Good morning.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I love our titles.

[Jeff Lewis]

Robbie Hoffman. She came in hot. She was. First of all, you're upset that you asked for water 30 minutes ago and you're still waiting.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I'm parched here. Do I know I'm not even being paid and the least they could do. I thought.

[Jeff Lewis]

That is where you're wrong, Robbie Hoffman. Because you get $500 for today's appearance.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You're kidding. Look at that USD.

[Jeff Lewis]

They didn't tell you? They didn't tell you.

[Shane]

No pesos.

[Robbie Hoffman]

It'll help me for when I have to get my car out the lot when it's towed. Because you almost had me parking in a violated spot.

[Jeff Lewis]

Beautiful car. Not a good driver.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No. In fact when they gave me my license, I said, you're kidding. When I passed, I was like, oh my God. His name was Yves. And I was like, yves, I passed.

[Jeff Lewis]

What was your score though, Robbie?

[Robbie Hoffman]

I don't know. I had a couple dings. There was a couple times that he was braking with me, which I was grateful for.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Wait, he had control of the gas and brake on his side too?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah, in my driving test. Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

Wow. See, I took my driver's test in my parents car, so that was not possible.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Oh, I took it in Toronto and they were able to also drive should they need. And a couple of Times it came in handy. I don't think it's a bad idea.

[Jeff Lewis]

I agree with you. Because some of those people don't pass. They fail miserably. And I think it's for the safety of the driving instructor. I don't think it's a bad idea, Robbie.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I think we need a car that can do that. Just a regular consumer car where, hey, take the wheel. I'm gonna nod off, right? You don't have to like pull over, switch around. That's kinda cool.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Just take the wheel, activate the other person in the back seats driving.

[Jeff Lewis]

I imagine that you didn't do well at parallel parking. Cause you're not. You didn't do well parking here at the.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No. And you would think I would want. I actually put a radio in. They said, do you want a screen, a camera? I said, no, I'm gonna raw dog.

[Jeff Lewis]

It, but I feel like you might need the camera.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I do need it, but I didn't want to pay. See, $300 of my life. I go, we're raw dogging it. Good luck.

[Jeff Lewis]

So you now. You didn't realize this, but you now have. Well, she has beef with you, Julia Cunningham, because she's got this look. She has this spot. It's not designated for Julia Cunningham, but we all kind of know that's her spot. And you just went right in that spot.

[Robbie Hoffman]

She could cost her $10 on Amazon to print out her name and stick it on that goddamn spot. Just like it would cost Sirius xm. And it's a big company. You'd think they have this kind of money to get Sirius M. Sirius XM printed on the parking sign when you enter your lot here. I don't even know that this is Sirius XM Parking because it says about 40 other companies that have permission to park here. And Sirius is not even listed. That's how pathetic.

[Jeff Lewis]

No one else has had a problem but you.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Okay, well, no.

[Jeff Lewis]

So everyone else followed instructions and went to. Well, that's not true.

[Robbie Hoffman]

They didn't follow. I'm the only one who really followed.

[Jeff Lewis]

I had to then intervene. And I said, what are you doing parking on P2?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Jeff Lewis accosted me here. On the record. He accosted me.

[Jeff Lewis]

I did. I was like, what are you doing on P2 in the morning? I get triggered. Because we tell people all the time where to park and they don't listen.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No, because here's what's going on. You say park on the fourth floor. You get to the third floor before you can even go near the fourth. God, Forbid Chas vasholem. You get to a sign. You get to a sign that says, only monthly pass holders beyond this point, all others will be violated. That is the R word. And we know what that means. Sexually violated, perhaps.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Okay. And towed. So on top of you've just been sexually harassed, assaulted, now your car's towed. That's why you're right for going to the fourth floor.

[Jeff Lewis]

That's why we give you the $500.

[Zach Noe Towers]

So when you said go to and.

[Robbie Hoffman]

The impound, that's why when you said park on the fourth floor. It's a trick. When you get there, you go.

[Jeff Lewis]

Hmm. So you haven't started off to be violated. This hasn't been a great morning. I mean, we haven't had a good start off together. You were upset because you put in your coffee order, but the problem is you put your coffee in order at midnight last night. So Ana did not get it right.

[Shane]

I checked in with PR at like 6am this morning.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I put my order in at 7am.

[Robbie Hoffman]

We'Re gonna get to the bottom of this. But you're not looking good right now. I'm.

[Annie]

Refreshing for the have your number. Normally we have the guest numbers.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I keep a separation. Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay.

[Annie]

Well, then you don't get coffee.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah, my people will talk to your people. And what happened is your people were still sleeping. That's what happened.

[Jeff Lewis]

They probably were, to be honest with you. Is it our PR people? Why didn't we get her coffee order? And then she comes in and she's so dehydrated and she asks for water, and then nobody got her water for.

[Shane]

Like, she said that to her herself. No one heard you say that.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Are you insane? Where is he? Where is he?

[Jeff Lewis]

She did say she wanted a water, but I thought that she want. She wanted it when she got into the studio because she just got a copy. So that's my bad.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You know what? Accountability. I respect that.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Okay. Okay. Well, you can sit down now. Thank you.

[Jeff Lewis]

He. No, he. Which you. You're now understanding. Shane, never apologize.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No, I'm sorry. Ever, ever, ever.

[Jeff Lewis]

Robin.

[Shane]

Good morning. Our team will go to Sight Glass. On the way, can we get Robbie a coffee or breakfast to have at the studio?

[Robbie Hoffman]

That was yesterday, right?

[Shane]

I sent that at 6:57am following up.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No, no, no. Okay, here we go. Whoa.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, Shane. Shane's getting pissed. Actually, the bronzer looks good.

[Shane]

Thank you.

[Jeff Lewis]

It does.

[Shane]

I didn't have it. I only slept for like five hours. I was afraid it didn't bake long.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, it looks good. Don't you think?

[Robbie Hoffman]

It's.

[Annie]

You did the Chaz Dean bronzer today.

[Jeff Lewis]

You looked.

[Annie]

He's glowing. He looks good.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah, it actually looks good.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You look extra bronze.

[Jeff Lewis]

I got spray tanned two days ago.

[Annie]

You know he likes it.

[Jeff Lewis]

But you're not. You're gonna look pale next to us. So you might need to put the.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Chastain bronzer on 9:52pm PS if too late. No worries. Big worries. I say that as a pleasantry. Wow. Okay. But would love a regular drip coffee with milk and half a teaspoon of honey or maple syrup.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Half a teaspoon.

[Jeff Lewis]

So who did that go to?

[Robbie Hoffman]

So that way.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That was in her notes app.

[Shane]

Okay. SiriusXMPR just texted me. Shout out to Katherine. She said here's the receipts. She did reach out to Emily for your coffee order. Ok. And Emily said Charlene and Shane already got her.

[Jeff Lewis]

Who's Charlene?

[Shane]

I don't know. But did someone. Who's Charlene?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Charlene, if you are listening, call in Charlene. This is the chance to Clear your name.

[Jeff Lewis]

44305. Andy. Charlene.

[Robbie Hoffman]

What is that number again?

[Jeff Lewis]

844305. Andy.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Clear your name. Charlene.

[Jeff Lewis]

So wait a minute. So she sent the order to Char. Who's Charlene?

[Shane]

Charlene and Shane. But I never got it.

[Annie]

Maybe that's your drag name.

[Robbie Hoffman]

We at this point, Shane can't be trusted. We have to confiscate the phone. This is. What if we were able to get a warrant? We have to. I don't know if you're on Unknown Number. Did you watch Unknown Number?

[Jeff Lewis]

Fuck yeah, I did.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Right? They have to. The warrant for the phone.

[Jeff Lewis]

We don't need one here at Jeff Lewis Live. Just fucking take his phone.

[Robbie Hoffman]

He got the okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

Take his phone.

[Robbie Hoffman]

A man. A boy. We understand accountability shirks responsibility.

[Jeff Lewis]

Were you pointing to Kean?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes.

[Jeff Lewis]

Kean. Accountability. A man.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes.

[Shane]

I had a coffee order. I asked to have your coffee order. No one gave it to me.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I was now scrambling for the only straight man in the room.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I don't know if he scolded.

[Jeff Lewis]

We don't either.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Is that what we're going with?

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah. Spidey, you're not the. Not the first person to question.

[Robbie Hoffman]

He's still young. He's still young.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Robbie Hoffman]

By the way, nothing wrong. Straight people don't like to be called gay. If somebody assumed I was straight, I don't get it. Not that it's ever happened, but there's nothing wrong with being either.

[Jeff Lewis]

Right? Right.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Agreed.

[Jeff Lewis]

See, Kean, it's okay.

[Robbie Hoffman]

It's okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Kean's gonna have such a lawsuit on his hands. At the end of his 10 years.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I was called gay. So what's so wrong?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, you got me.

[Robbie Hoffman]

So what's so wrong?

[Zach Noe Towers]

You got me.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Is that a bad thing to be called?

[Jeff Lewis]

No. Robbie Hoffman.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You homophobic? He's.

[Jeff Lewis]

I think we probably should. I mean, some people might know who you are, others might know who you are, but we should probably talk about who you are. You're an actress.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I'm the next greatest standup comedian. That you may not know. I think that you know my debut Netflix special drops December 14, first night of Hanukkah. And I don't think something. I don't want to be out of line here, Jeff. Yeah, I don't. Not since James Brown has anything hit the market like this is going to really. You got in good time. You got in early. Yeah. You got in clutch timing.

[Jeff Lewis]

This happened with Nikki Glazer, too. We had her right before she blew up.

[Shane]

Yeah. Now she'll call us back.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah. Now she'll all come back.

[Robbie Hoffman]

That makes sense. I hope never to be back here again. I want to stress this first and last parking fiesta.

[Jeff Lewis]

You're not the first person that said that. Yeah, well, okay, so you. I recognize you from Hacks, which I love that show. You joined season four. Is that correct?

[Shane]

That's correct.

[Jeff Lewis]

And your character, you popped the fuck off.

[Robbie Hoffman]

That's what my character did.

[Jeff Lewis]

So you played the.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Six lines and an Emmy nom. Wow. Six lines talking about basically season four.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, it was more than six.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No, I had, like. I think we shot five episodes. I ended up being in three or four.

[Jeff Lewis]

You played Randy?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes.

[Jeff Lewis]

Jimmy and Kayla's assistant.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes, I was the assistant's assistant.

[Jeff Lewis]

And so do you know who Jimmy and Kayla are? Those are Deborah Vance's agents.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Oh, I know.

[Jeff Lewis]

And then I recently. Managers, I think I recently found out and very disappointed that they're. Well, first of all, I'm excited for a season five, but that's gonna be it. The final season.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I know, but it's best for last. The show doesn't take any shortcuts.

[Jeff Lewis]

Are you coming back for five?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Oh, yeah, baby.

[Jeff Lewis]

Good. Yay.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You have no idea.

[Jeff Lewis]

So there's no.

[Robbie Hoffman]

We're still not done shooting.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I've never seen a character like yours on a. On a show.

[Robbie Hoffman]

There's nothing like it.

[Jeff Lewis]

How did you get. How did you get that role?

[Robbie Hoffman]

I got it being me. They saw me. It's kind of like, you know, sometimes you hear of the song Hurt. Johnny Cash sings Hurt. But actually the real ones, no. 9 inch nails did Hurt and then he remade it. Both are great versions. Robbie walked so Randy could fly. They found me. The creators of the show loved Robbie Hoffman, and they said, we've never seen a character like that on tv. That's how Randy was born. So there would be no Randy without Robbie. The character was written for me. And that's almost worse. When I heard this and they said I would still have to audition, I said, I don't have the temperament. Just forget the whole thing. I don't have the temperament. Because it's like suddenly they tell you, well, be kind of like you, this Twilight version of you. Right. And it's just. Let's say I didn't get the part that was written for me.

[Jeff Lewis]

Right.

[Robbie Hoffman]

How ins. That's the most embarrassing thing. They got it all the way in close. All I have to do is tap it in the net and I missed the shot. It's even worse.

[Jeff Lewis]

Well, there's probably a few other actors that could have done a better job.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Thank God I dunked it. The fucking I. Michael Jordan, that audience.

[Jeff Lewis]

You really did. And you got an Emmy nomination as a result. Now, you didn't win, but it's not the point.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Wait, it is the point. You said you almost didn't audition, though.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Well, I said, please don't make me. Because I said in the audition, I said, I'll be way better on the day once you press action and we're doing it, the audition isn't the acting, like, it's like this weird thing and you're there.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah. Out of context.

[Robbie Hoffman]

It's just. It's not even like. It's the weirdest thing.

[Zach Noe Towers]

It's very clinical, so.

[Robbie Hoffman]

But I was very good in the audition. Surprise, surprise.

[Jeff Lewis]

So this whole part was created and written for you?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes.

[Jeff Lewis]

I mean, look, 99% chance of. I mean, booking it. Right. But there was that little slight chance that you would fuck it up and they would hire another actor.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes. And they would fuck. You know, and by the way, anybody else who did this role, it would have been anti Semitic. It would have been, you know, a transphobic, homophobic. And I would have gone to fucking town on whoever else did this role. I had my medium.com article ready to go.

[Jeff Lewis]

So your attorney threatened them. It was Charlene.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I'm my own attorney. Charlene, clear your name. What's the number?

[Jeff Lewis]

844-305-2639.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Charlene, we're waiting for you.

[Jeff Lewis]

Interesting. She's sleeping.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Time is up of the essence. You will wake up, and your whole career could be over.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay, so there was a show called Entourage. Do you remember that show?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Love that show.

[Jeff Lewis]

I was invited by the executive producer to come out to the set.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Ooh, fun.

[Jeff Lewis]

He's a fan of flipping out. I didn't realize it was a character study. So what they were doing is observing you.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Observing me like a little animal.

[Jeff Lewis]

And then drama. That character drama had this kind of. It was like one episode where he had this kind of ocd, kind of obsessive Y. And I realize now that that was. It had been based on me, which is why they invited me to the set.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You didn't get the part.

[Jeff Lewis]

I didn't get the part, Robbie. I didn't get the part they wrote.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You got to sit with Zach and.

[Jeff Lewis]

Ugh, look where I'm now. It's just gone downhill since then, Robbie.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And Jeff actually happens to be a horrendous actor. He cannot read a line to save his name.

[Jeff Lewis]

Awful.

[Zach Noe Towers]

What's that all about?

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, no.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Why?

[Jeff Lewis]

I don't know. I get two in my head.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Weird.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah. There wouldn't be an Emmy nom. Robbie. Let's put it that way.

[Robbie Hoffman]

As soon as we lost. So by the way, we get to the Emmys, I bring my sister. My older sister Chaya. Shout out to Chaya. And I was supposed to be in the middle. In the middle of the. Of the award show, right? So. But then they tell us last minute, actually, your awards can. All the acting ones are going to be up front. You're the first award of the night. We show up, we had a splash of champagne, we sit in the seat. I lose. It's like that. Okay. It's like that. We're sitting. We're sitting. We lose. We're in the front row. Right away, I lose. And by the way. And my sister goes, we don't need this shit. My sister goes, we don't need this shit. We're late. We leave. My sister's like, I'm sick of this shit. After all that, she flew in from Arizona.

[Jeff Lewis]

Poor loser.

[Robbie Hoffman]

We were horrible because. Because keep in mind, by the way, who won? Who deserved to win?

[Jeff Lewis]

Who?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Julian Nicholson, who's amazing also for hacks, and by the way, had one of the greatest characters.

[Jeff Lewis]

Wait, is she the mayor?

[Zach Noe Towers]

No, she.

[Robbie Hoffman]

She's a dance mom. Incredible.

[Jeff Lewis]

That was a great performance.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And also my wife. It was a great performance and absolutely deserved to win. And it's amazing.

[Jeff Lewis]

You didn't really have.

[Robbie Hoffman]

We woke up in the morning, but nobody in My. I had no chance, except in my head, this is how we woke up. I go, it's a shoo in. My sister and I wake up in the morning, we think we got the me in the bag.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah.

[Robbie Hoffman]

We wake up. Confidence through this is the issue with me. I'm like, I can't even imagine who else would take this. My sister's like, I don't even know anyone else in the category. Never mind. Zoe Kravitz is in the category. Olivia Colman.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah. So the delusion is real.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah. And so we get to the Emmys, we're hyped. She's like, this is gonna be insane. So we lose immediately. She's like, I don't need this shit. So we leave. And then they go, oh, you can't leave. You're still presenting an award. I said, nah, I'm not in the mood to do all that.

[Jeff Lewis]

No.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Okay. Yeah, yeah. So I lean into being a sort. When you're upset, be upset. When you're happy, be happy. I'm not type of person. Feel your emotions. Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

This is how you justify it to yourself.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes. So I'm like, you know what? I'd leave too, after all that. So they go, no, you still have to. You have to present. I go, no. They go, we want you to go through the prompter. They show me the prompter, what I'm going to say for presenting the cinematography Awards. And I already know whatever they show in the prompter. I'm not saying nothing. I'm not saying if they want me to present, because they said, no, you still have to present, blah, blah, blah. And I said, my circumstance has changed. My circumstances have changed. When I said I would present, I.

[Jeff Lewis]

Thought I was winning.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I was going to come up with Miami. That was my date. That was my date.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yep.

[Robbie Hoffman]

So anyway, I get up to present. I forget the whole whatever they have in the prompter, and I get out there, I go, I lost. There's nothing to say. Apparently the night had been really droning on. It was a huge laugh, people. And I said, you know what? My sister Chaya is here tonight. Chaya, do you want to present at the Emmy Awards? The security was like this. I'm like, what? They're going to let Will Smith walk up and do whatever the hell he wants, but my sister, who's come all this way, can't present at the Emmys? She was a fucking natural.

[Jeff Lewis]

Really.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And we ended up turning that frown upside down, and we had the greatest night of our lives. It was unbelievable.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay, so there's a happy ending to this. There's a happy ending, but you went home empty handed.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Mazel tov to Julian Nicholson.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, she deserved it.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Really deserved it.

[Jeff Lewis]

And she deserved three.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I think she has three. And by the way, I'll tell you this, it doesn't. It doesn't hurt that I went home and I have an Emmy sitting in my cabinet already.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, you already have an Emmy.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

For what?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Plot twist. Plot twist. Your bitch is an amazing Emmy winning writer.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, for writing.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Okay, thank you.

[Jeff Lewis]

Why didn't anybody tell me that? That she writes.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I did put that in my notes.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, you did?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

I must have missed that sentence, Charlene. Oh, so you write.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah. You don't think. I have my own show coming up on HBO very soon. Wake up.

[Jeff Lewis]

Is that the one on December?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Wake up. No. December 14th. My Netflix special drops. I have a scripted television show with HBO next, if you like.

[Zach Noe Towers]

It's unentitled.

[Jeff Lewis]

Why don't you ask Zach?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Thank you. He knows. This is a professional.

[Jeff Lewis]

Ask Zach about his special when it's being released.

[Zach Noe Towers]

It doesn't have a release date yet.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Where is it?

[Jeff Lewis]

That's what I said, Robbie.

[Zach Noe Towers]

By Netflix and Hulu. But Bob the Drag Queen just shot it. We just shot it on our own.

[Jeff Lewis]

Are you sure it's a priority for him?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, I think so.

[Jeff Lewis]

Because, I mean, look, he's a successful guy. He's out promoting himself. He's doing his own shit. I don't know. I hope it's a priority because it's been a while.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I know.

[Jeff Lewis]

When did you shoot this special?

[Zach Noe Towers]

May 21st. I know.

[Robbie Hoffman]

May 21st.

[Jeff Lewis]

That's what I said.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Robbie, you got to get this out there.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Well, it is literally at Netflix and Hulu right now to do what they're. They're being. They're seeing if they want it even. And if they don't want it, of.

[Jeff Lewis]

Course they want it.

[Shane]

Who wouldn't want it?

[Zach Noe Towers]

I think so, too. But, you know, Zach's.

[Jeff Lewis]

Maybe if somebody else plays Zach.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Robbie. Only Robbie.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Somebody funnier Robbie could absolutely do it. I'm horrified to hear the impression, but.

[Jeff Lewis]

Could we get your hair to be that fluffy?

[Robbie Hoffman]

You know what mine, I. You and I, Jeff, are a lot more alike than we realize. I. We like it to keep it together. It's a dignity thing. I feel like you got up in the morning and you thought, I'm gonna comb my hair. I'm gonna spray it. He doesn't care, Clearly. Clearly he doesn't care.

[Jeff Lewis]

It looks like he kind of tried, but not really?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Look, how much chest hair am I expecting? Is this the violation the parking lot was talking about? I should park.

[Jeff Lewis]

Can you do a couple buttons, please?

[Zach Noe Towers]

No, I'll unbutton more.

[Robbie Hoffman]

How much chest hair am I expected to look at?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Do you want to touch it?

[Robbie Hoffman]

No.

[Jeff Lewis]

No.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I knew Robbie when I was gonna do this button closed.

[Jeff Lewis]

It's inappropriate.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I went, if I do this button closed, Robbie won't have as big of a deal. But I'm gonna not. And you fulfilled the destiny.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You know what? Because it's really upsetting. And I'll tell you why. You remind me. You're so cute.

[Jeff Lewis]

Aww.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And you remind me of. I loved Queer as the first gay show I watched. I like.

[Jeff Lewis]

That was a great show.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I must have been 10 years old. My sister.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yep.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Snuck the videos. And there was Justin and Brian. And you could be little Justin, who I'm obsessed with.

[Jeff Lewis]

Maybe 10 years ago.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, 20.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah.

[Robbie Hoffman]

But he had not a hair. Was he a cutie? He had not a hair.

[Jeff Lewis]

He was cute.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And Brian was so hot. And his apartment, Brian's apartment.

[Jeff Lewis]

To his day, that was a gorgeous apartment.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Looking into that loft.

[Robbie Hoffman]

That loft.

[Jeff Lewis]

Where were they? In Michigan? Where were they?

[Robbie Hoffman]

You know what? It shot in Toronto.

[Jeff Lewis]

And they were Philadelphia.

[Shane]

You're right.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Philadelphia or Pittsburgh. Also, to be clear, I think it was just Pittsburgh.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Was a high school student in that show.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Please. What are you getting lost?

[Jeff Lewis]

Why do you bring it down?

[Robbie Hoffman]

You can't enjoy.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I'm just saying.

[Robbie Hoffman]

One of the greatest.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I remind Robbie of a high school student. That's the takeaway for me. And I. I love it.

[Jeff Lewis]

Did you watch the L word?

[Robbie Hoffman]

I did.

[Jeff Lewis]

I liked it better than Queer as Folk.

[Robbie Hoffman]

That Queer as Folk was amazing.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, that.

[Jeff Lewis]

That was. But I liked the first L word.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Ted. Wait, the two nerds, Ted and Emmett?

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Emmett killed me. I don't know. I didn't love Brian's best friend. One of the lead guy like the main guy.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Carrie Bradshaw.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah, he was a. He was just. He was just too annoying. But Ted, the.

[Jeff Lewis]

Have you met him in person? He's a comedian, I think.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Well, let's.

[Jeff Lewis]

He was on the show once.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Listen, separate the art. It's. It's. It's the character I didn't like. Not him.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, wait.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Who is the character was the mama's boy in this whole thing?

[Jeff Lewis]

I liked his character.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You did? Yeah, people loved him.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Those are the characters.

[Robbie Hoffman]

But that's Ted. No, no, no. I love Ted the accountant. Thank you. Accountant representation. I was also an accountant for three.

[Jeff Lewis]

Ted Had a rough go of it though.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Really?

[Jeff Lewis]

No gays were ever interested in.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And I'll never forget the guy. Fucked him, to be charitable. Like the hot guy had sex with him once and he's like, yeah, I fuck one ugly guy a year.

[Robbie Hoffman]

But then he found that really old guy who loved him.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Did he?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes. There was a really ancient guy who loved him. And I was actually happy for Emmett.

[Jeff Lewis]

I thought the accountant was a little pathetic. I don't know, it brought me down.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Did you see a little bit of yourself maybe?

[Jeff Lewis]

No, I saw a few chumps.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You know what? You're a mix of Emmett and Brian.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, you're. I get the Brian vibe, unfortunately.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah. Brian, Emmett, the funny and the good looking.

[Jeff Lewis]

Thank you.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And it's high schoolers.

[Jeff Lewis]

Annie. Yes. Thanks, Annie. Annie, you better agree, you're so cute. Thank you.

[Annie]

Especially from the right.

[Robbie Hoffman]

See.

[Jeff Lewis]

Thank you. This is my good side right here, Robbie.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah, no, it's much better than the other one.

[Jeff Lewis]

I agree. I totally agree.

[Zach Noe Towers]

It's the way your hair is.

[Robbie Hoffman]

It's night and day on you.

[Jeff Lewis]

It's the hair.

[Robbie Hoffman]

It's night and day on you.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Or just the way.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I wouldn't even look that way if I were you. I would. I would always make sure.

[Jeff Lewis]

You know what, Robbie?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Such a way.

[Jeff Lewis]

You're absolutely right. And that's why the cameras are shooting this.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I wish I was wrong. So many times I wish it was wrong, but I happen to be right.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yep.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And what do you want from me?

[Jeff Lewis]

No, tonight we are. It's very exciting. You're going to be on stage tonight at the third annual Chump Miss. I'm going to bring hair product for you.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, are you going to do my hair on stage?

[Jeff Lewis]

No, I'm just going to put products. I'm just. Well, no, I'm just.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Maybe I'll send you some options. I'll go home tonight.

[Jeff Lewis]

What do you mean options?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Well, I'll send you some looks and you can pick what you want me to show up as.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Like a wig? No, like, I don't think his hair is a bomb. It's cutie. Justin. It's the chest hair.

[Jeff Lewis]

I know, but the hair's fluffy too. It looks wiggy. Doesn't it look wiggy?

[Zach Noe Towers]

The chest hair draws focus.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's like eyes up here.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, you really. You're giving me like some OCD vibes right now.

[Robbie Hoffman]

The chest hair is such a move. It's like the only thing we're looking at. Is that so nobody sees your face.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah, you have a cute Face. You don't need to do that.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Nobody sees anything.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I'm feeling very unsafe right now.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And you are, by the way. You are. We should explain that. Safety's over. We're in Trump's America now, bitch. Zach is buttoned down to just below his chest. So it's tits up.

[Jeff Lewis]

It's a little low, yes.

[Robbie Hoffman]

It's not like he's in, like, a tank top. He's not on a boat. He's wearing a full Mr. Rogers cardigan plus chest hair. It's like.

[Zach Noe Towers]

It's slutty Mr. Rogers.

[Jeff Lewis]

63 degrees outside.

[Robbie Hoffman]

It's like wearing winter boots that have an open toe. There's like, something.

[Zach Noe Towers]

So wait, so should I take the cardigan off?

[Jeff Lewis]

I think people look better in clothes. I've said that before.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Do you want me to just do this one?

[Robbie Hoffman]

There's, like, a window that's giving lesbian. I don't appreciate that.

[Shane]

Do a little peekaboo.

[Jeff Lewis]

You are. Do you. You seem like things are in order. You're clean.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You're extremely neat.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes, I can tell.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You know what? This is a pro tip for anybody who's living in poverty. It's horrendous.

[Jeff Lewis]

Wait, who's living in poverty?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Most of the country.

[Shane]

Is that Charlene?

[Robbie Hoffman]

So is that Charlene? Clearing her name.

[Shane]

Is that her?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

Charlene. Oh, my God. Charlene's here. Charlene, we need you.

[Annie]

Oh, my gosh. She was here really early this morning. I saw her.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Charlene is here. This is a miracle. You have a chance, Charlene, to clear your name.

[Jeff Lewis]

She doesn't know what's going on. Explain what?

[Robbie Hoffman]

We will explain right now. I ran into him. You ran into him? Oh, I thought that you were gonna make fun of me for running into Doug going, oh, I thought you had a car accident.

[Jeff Lewis]

She did have a car accident. I was she rear end. Okay, so we have another co host. Charlene is worse driver than you, and she just rear ended our co host.

[Robbie Hoffman]

It happens. Yeah, okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

But that's not what brought you in, Charlene.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Okay, Charlene, the plot thickens. Okay, I was sent a coffee menu last night. Yes, I sent back. Yes, you did. I sent back my order. My coffee. Yes. Who did? Yes.

[Shane]

Do you have coffee?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Thank you.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, my gosh. Great memory, Charlene.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Incredible memory. Okay, so where did you go with that order? Because he's trying to foist the price on you.

[Shane]

No one told me her coffee order.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And, well, I said, I'm getting coffee for what? A. I didn't realize that you were here at Jeff before you come to me. Oh, so I'm getting a coffee order for, like, all our show. And so I was like, oh, you're not on this show.

[Jeff Lewis]

I'm not on this show.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You're the next fortune. And Tom.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah.

[Robbie Hoffman]

So you have nothing to do with this coffee order. And you know what the coffee order is from me. It's from.

[Shane]

So you're gonna get it.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I'm gonna get the coffee.

[Jeff Lewis]

So you're still getting it.

[Robbie Hoffman]

So I'll tell you right now, this is on me.

[Shane]

No, it'.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, it's a disconnect.

[Robbie Hoffman]

We've come full circle.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, it's a disconnect.

[Robbie Hoffman]

This coffee had nothing to do. Everybody is innocent. Everybody has been cleared thanks to Charlene clearing her name. You see what turning yourself in can do.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes. Well, talk to Shane about that.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Shane. It's like people who don't file taxes. Most people don't file taxes in this country. Most people would be entitled to a return. You're actually gonna get money back. But we've been so traumatized.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes.

[Robbie Hoffman]

With the irs. You hear Wesley snipes those billion. You think you're working at McDonald's, you're gonna owe. You owe nothing. You're gonna get money back. Back to my poor tip.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Don't file your tip.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Wait. Did you ever think Charlene would be able to clear her name live on the air?

[Jeff Lewis]

Never.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Did we get that done?

[Shane]

Can you just. I've never said I didn't do this.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes. And, Shane, I apologize.

[Shane]

She's right. I accept your apology.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I apologize. Okay. You come off shady, and that's something to think about.

[Jeff Lewis]

You're right.

[Shane]

That's gonna stick with me.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Why did I not? Why did I doubt you?

[Jeff Lewis]

Annie, you agree he's shady?

[Annie]

He is shady. But he has to do things for Jeff. And Jeff is scary.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, he's very intimidating.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

He hides the bodies.

[Annie]

It's easier to hide things and come clean.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And his hair's a little too done, if you know what I mean.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, I like his hair.

[Zach Noe Towers]

The hair of a shady bodies.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Team Zach's hair.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Square on one side.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, I think.

[Robbie Hoffman]

But not the chest hair.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Okay, you know what?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Cause Robbie the head hair.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Cause Robbie said team Zach's hair. I'm buttoning up the button.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay.

[Robbie Hoffman]

It looks better because it's like, why do you want to remove fa. Like you happen to be good looking. I know it. You have blonde hair. This is very appealing to many Nazis and lots of people.

[Jeff Lewis]

And you're good looking from both sides, not just your Left, like me and the backside. Yes. Speaking of which. Oh, I heard. So Zach has pictures, little stickers of his ass.

[Zach Noe Towers]

It's an artist rendering of my butt.

[Jeff Lewis]

And he sells them.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No, I don't want to see it. I don't feel well.

[Jeff Lewis]

You shouldn't have parked on P4. Yeah, because now you're about to be violated.

[Robbie Hoffman]

If you are poor in this country, one way to feel rich is to keep neat. Less is more.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes.

[Robbie Hoffman]

This is what I did when I lived in an apartment. $435, by the way, which is amazing rent. But you can imagine the neighborhood and you can imagine what it looked like to get such a rent. And the one thing I did, it was a little studio. I just decided before minimalism, before anything. I'm just gonna make my bed every morning. I'm gonna be neat as can be. Because I would watch videos like Usher and Nellie, and they always had, like, white towels. Everything was fresh and clean and slick. And so I got white towels, which. This is a great gift to give. And this is for my sister Chaya. Also, whenever you're doing a housewarming or something, bring a person two beautiful towels or a set of sheets. She used to do gifts like that if we moved into an apartment. Like sheets, stuff that you always cheap out on. Yeah. But if you get it as a gift. Okay. So I've tried to maintain doing that. I don't always do it, but when I remember to do it, I'll. I'll bring somebody a pair of sheets or a pair of towels.

[Jeff Lewis]

We're gonna get back to you being poor, but I want to talk to you about.

[Robbie Hoffman]

This is horrible.

[Jeff Lewis]

That is a beautiful.

[Robbie Hoffman]

By the way, have you verified this is what his ass looks like?

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes, we've all seen it.

[Robbie Hoffman]

This is. This is. This is like a real.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes.

[Annie]

You want to see it?

[Zach Noe Towers]

That's based up. Do you want to see the real picture?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

No, I think she wants to see the real ass.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, I mean, I'll take my pants off right now.

[Jeff Lewis]

Well, let's do it at the break.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Okay.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Okay. Okay.

[Jeff Lewis]

But. So what's happening? He is. He solicits donations, Right?

[Zach Noe Towers]

This is my merch. I take on the road. I say I'm doing my stickers after the show donation base. Pay what you want.

[Jeff Lewis]

It's real smart, Robbie. I'll tell you why. Some chump, and you know what chumps are now, gave him a thousand dollars for his ass sticker.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Well, it wasn't for that. That's an invitation.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, for something else.

[Zach Noe Towers]

It Was a lady chump, I'll have you know.

[Shane]

Still, an invitation.

[Robbie Hoffman]

He wanted to rough you up. She saw a little snack.

[Jeff Lewis]

Wow.

[Zach Noe Towers]

She'd be right. I didn't have to.

[Robbie Hoffman]

But would you?

[Zach Noe Towers]

I don't think so. 5,000.

[Robbie Hoffman]

He would do it for 500. You know what somebody says, oh, I would take a million. I'm like, bro, you do it for $200. I seen you. You've won worse for $200. This lady, $500, she gives a kiss on your ass.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, yeah, Any. Anyone can kiss my ass for free.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, and they don't have to donate.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Well, kiss my ass like. No. I mean, if it's really important.

[Jeff Lewis]

What does your hair look like? Up. Can you hold it up for a second for me? Oh, it's cute, right?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Cute? No, no, no.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I mean, no, because I need to.

[Jeff Lewis]

Annie, can you style it tonight?

[Annie]

I can't do men's hair. But it's still growing in. So you still need to wear it like that?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, I mean, it's not fully in yet.

[Jeff Lewis]

So he's in a weird in between stage.

[Annie]

He needs a little product to like rough it up.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No, he doesn't need anything. He needs something. He needs clothing.

[Jeff Lewis]

He needs.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And I've said clothing. If you're feeling. One way to really feel yourself without surgery, without all the accoutrements is clothing. Clothing is a relatively affordable, non permanent way to feel yourself as a dyke. I like to wear boys clothing. Okay. I like to feel boyish. I like. I don't know what's wrong with me. Something's off. But that said, I don't have to necessarily do a transition, do all this stuff now. I cut my tits off, so I did a partial whatever. But clothing. If you can't afford nothing and you want to feel yourself, you can go to the Goodwill. You can go anywhere and likely pick up something that makes you feel like you.

[Radio Announcer]

On December 19, based on the best selling novel, Amanda Seyfried and Sydney Sweeney star in the Housemaid, A wildly entertaining thriller about a live in housemaid and the wealthy Winchester family experience a twisted world where perfection is an illusion and nothing is as it seems. The shocking twists will leave you guessing until the very end. Can you keep a secret? The Housemaid Rated R. Only in theaters December 19th. Get tickets now.

[Jeff Lewis]

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[Robbie Hoffman]

God delivered. It's unbelievable. You gotta throw it to him. Charlene was able to clear her name and all of our names. Really?

[Jeff Lewis]

I've been here. We've been in the studio for seven years. How long has Charlene been here? Shh.

[Shane]

The whole time.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay, Now I know I'm never gonna forget Charlene now.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No.

[Jeff Lewis]

And I forget everybody.

[Shane]

No, literally.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That's what we love about you.

[Jeff Lewis]

But I do remember, I just didn't put the face with the name. I was telling you how sad it was when Charlene rear ended Doug Buten.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I love that she came in and she just. Before anyone said anything, she's like, yeah, it was me. I hate Doug Scar again.

[Jeff Lewis]

Accountability.

[Robbie Hoffman]

So funny, because I had an accident like that. I was pulling out to do an interview once, and I was leaving. My. My car was parked right in front of my apartment, and I pulled out and I right away hit somebody. Wow. Right? And a guy gets out of his car and he's like, you didn't see me. You weren't looking. He said, irate. And I go, you know what? You're right. I wasn't looking. Nine out of ten times. I just want to say, nine out of ten times I'm looking. You caught me the one time. I didn't take such a look.

[Jeff Lewis]

I don't know if it was the one time, okay?

[Robbie Hoffman]

And that's what I told insurance. Insurance said. He said, you weren't looking. You didn't see him. I said, you know what? You're right. Because by the way, I want to tell you, insurance, nine out of ten times, I'm looking. It's a quiet street. Okay? So you caught me on the one time. And thank God I have insurance. And they said that's your story.

[Jeff Lewis]

Well, sometimes you should lie. I think most that I'm with you. Like, most of the time, you take accountability to tell the truth. But once in a while, you do have to kind of lie. Stretch the tooth. Truth.

[Robbie Hoffman]

If they're lying, you can lie. It's like stealing from Whole Foods. You're not stealing from Whole Foods. They're stealing from people who work there. They don't pay proper wages. Owned by Amazon. So there's no who's stealing from who. Now we're all stealing which negates anybody stealing.

[Jeff Lewis]

Well, I was told so. I had a former police officer, retired, work for me, and she said, if you ever even have one drink and you were to be pulled over, you do not tell the truth. Because the problem is the second you admit you had a sip of alcohol, it is their policy that they then have to test you. So it's better that, you know, maybe you just not mention it.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah.

[Jeff Lewis]

Or if they ask you directly, don't mention it.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And if you kill someone, we'll deal with it. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

[Jeff Lewis]

You're right. Let's kick that kill down the road.

[Robbie Hoffman]

To clear your name. I thought it was better I didn't mention then. So I killed a family of four. And we will cross that bridge when we get there.

[Jeff Lewis]

We don't have to worry about that today.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No.

[Jeff Lewis]

So now, you were born in Brooklyn. You were number seven of ten children.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes. Horrible.

[Jeff Lewis]

When I heard that your parents got divorced, I understood why 10 children? I don't know anybody who is still married after having that many children.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah, no, it's terrible.

[Jeff Lewis]

So you moved to Montreal.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes, My mother's from Montreal, so then I grew up in Montreal.

[Jeff Lewis]

This is where the humble beginnings.

[Robbie Hoffman]

To say humble. Very humble beginnings. Again, keep neat. Go to the Value Village or the Goodwill. Find even one or two pairs of pants and one or two shirts that you really like and feel yourself. And you can start there, and you can ride on two pants. I've done two pants for 10 years.

[Jeff Lewis]

Is Keon listening to this? He needs to start with two pairs of pants.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah, yeah. Two good pants that you like to wear is enough pants if you don't have much.

[Annie]

Cian's been going shopping.

[Jeff Lewis]

He's been upping his wardrobe because you've been bullying him.

[Zach Noe Towers]

We at the tea.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Thank you. Wait.

[Jeff Lewis]

But he looks very nice. He's dressed.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Wait, I thought Keon's always kind of looked.

[Annie]

No, his next thing he's gonna do is get nicer shoes, which I'm excited about.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You don't need so much. Less is more. Get like one nice sweater. One nice.

[Jeff Lewis]

This is from Quince.

[Robbie Hoffman]

It's unraveling.

[Jeff Lewis]

Cashmere sweater. Isn't it gorgeous.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And you know what? I like sponsors. I like that you're wearing a gray shirt under as well.

[Jeff Lewis]

Little monochromatic look.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes, I think it looks. It's a very subtle. It's the details. Jeff, you and I get this.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yep, I get you.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I can tell that we get this. I am Robbie Hoffman. My Netflix debuts Oh, you have dates. December 14th. In conjunction with that, we announced my first theater tour. Wow. Unbelievable. We are already 40% sold. So by the time this airs, I have no idea. We've been on pre sale for one day and we are 40% sold. Pre sale. I still think is today, and then today it's tomorrow, it's general public. So I'm not joking when I tell you run Robbie Hoffman's link tree or Robbie Hoffman dot com. I will be in New York.

[Shane]

April.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Philadelphia in April, Washington, D.C. april. D.C. is mad at me because they booked me in D.C. on September 11th when the Trump was up to all kinds. And I said I'm not gonna be a sitting Duck on September 11 when they're threatening again to do stuff. So DC, do not be mad. I'm finally there. April 24. April 25, I'm in Boston. May 15, Toronto, May 16, I think Toronto is 70% sold. New York, I think is 70% sold. So run on those. Toronto, May 16, San Francisco, May 30.

[Jeff Lewis]

We're not going to remember all those. Where do we go? Where do we go?

[Robbie Hoffman]

June 6th.

[Jeff Lewis]

Where do we go? Thank you.

[Robbie Hoffman]

My podcast too far is Patreon only. We do not accept any corporate dollars as they won't give them to us.

[Jeff Lewis]

All right, line two, Jeanette in Texas. She's got a chump hack for us. Yeah, go ahead, Jeanette.

[Caller]

Oh, hey, Jeff. Okay, so yesterday, your Ritz Carlton debacle.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yep.

[Caller]

With mj.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yep.

[Caller]

So the Ritz Carlton has a rule called the $2,000 rule. It's per employee, per incident to either make a complaint better or an experience better.

[Jeff Lewis]

This is very, very great advice because I had a small issue with Ritz Carlton. They paid for one night, which was equivalent to a thousand. MJ had an issue with Ritz Carlton in Lake Tahoe. They also credited her.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah.

[Shane]

For half her trip.

[Jeff Lewis]

For half her trip, which I think was $2,000. So here's the chump hack. Everybody book at the Ritz Carlton, find something to complain about and get half of your.

[Robbie Hoffman]

That's a great.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes, Robbie.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Half of your stay paid for luxuriously.

[Jeff Lewis]

Live above your means.

[Shane]

I like the $2,000 rule. I'm gonna and say my issue is that I don't have a brand new MacBook Air. So how do we make this better?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yes, I think that's great, Shane. I think this is a great tip. I'll say this about the Ritz Carlton. You finally get to such a level. You're on how many greyhounds? How many spirit Airlines, flights. And you finally say, you know what? I'm going to treat my wife and I to a night at the Ritz Carlton. And it looks like any other hotel. Bring back the Trump. Joan Rivers gold. I feel like the city.

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah. Leona Hemsley, like, do you know what I mean?

[Robbie Hoffman]

It looks like they did it. It's like they redid when McDonald's all redid them to be really, really basic and standardized. Carlton, isn't the marble and the gold and the tassels that I was expecting.

[Shane]

Bring back some.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Make it tacky again, Literally. And not tacky. It's like it should give the plaza home alone. New York City, like, this is what we're talking about. So Ritz, if you're listening, we're on to you.

[Jeff Lewis]

The one in Dallas is beautiful. Where's the one?

[Robbie Hoffman]

But then you have to be in Dallas, in Hawaii.

[Shane]

Four Seasons in Hawaii. But we like that one too. We stayed there.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Shout out to Dallas. I actually love you. It's a joke.

[Jeff Lewis]

I like Ritz Carlton. It's really nice.

[Shane]

The one in New York was incredible.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, but we have to find things to complain about because we want that two thousand dollar credit.

[Shane]

I can't complain about the one in that we stayed at in New York. It was too good.

[Annie]

You could find something.

[Jeff Lewis]

The one in New York. Oh, that was gorgeous.

[Shane]

Because Amazon stole and paid for our reviews.

[Robbie Hoffman]

To me, to complain is to enjoy. I can be on a yacht and find it too shaky. I'm telling you right now, it just means I'm. You know what it means? Your presence in the experience. To me to complain is noticing everything. There's a draft. I'm happy, I'm thrilled with the restaurant. There is a draft.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay, so you have.

[Robbie Hoffman]

It means I'm present. I'm living in the moment.

[Shane]

You're experiencing everything.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Thank you.

[Jeff Lewis]

I do want to take line three, Rudy. And West Hollywood.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I'm glad you took that too. Hi, Rudy.

[Jeff Lewis]

Hi, Rudy.

[Caller]

Hi. How are you guys?

[Jeff Lewis]

Good.

[Robbie Hoffman]

So good.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay. Rudy.

[Caller]

Yeah. I wanted to let you guys know I live on Northwest Knoll and recently within the last week there's been four apartments that have come up for sale on Northwest Knoll.

[Jeff Lewis]

Are you on this, Zach?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Well, no, my realtor is on it.

[Jeff Lewis]

Rudy must make a very good living to be living on West.

[Zach Noe Towers]

No, West Knoll is a good, gorgeous street. It's permit only parking, so there's never nor. Oh, is that above Santa Monica?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, fascinating. I can't vouch for that part of westnut, but I assume it's Beautiful.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And do we assume there's plumbing issues and infrastructure issues, that there's four apartments all of a sudden you have to be asking the further questions.

[Jeff Lewis]

Why? Why did 4 hit the market right away?

[Robbie Hoffman]

The market immediately. You're saying that's unusual? Well, let's go one step further, Rudy.

[Jeff Lewis]

Why sewer back up here?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Why?

[Jeff Lewis]

You're right.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You see how they get you easily. Crime, noise, noise, crime, infrastructure.

[Jeff Lewis]

You're right, Robbie.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Let Rudy speak.

[Jeff Lewis]

Sorry, Rudy.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Pull under the building.

[Caller]

And they asked for a Special assessment of $1,500.

[Robbie Hoffman]

There we go. They start with the assessment. Then it's the windows and it's the roof. And then it's the sinkhole. Your apartment's finished.

[Jeff Lewis]

1500 becomes 15,000.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Thank you. I see the writing on the wall.

[Jeff Lewis]

We're not looking at Westnoll.

[Robbie Hoffman]

That's a no on these four apartments that just came up mysteriously on West Knoll.

[Jeff Lewis]

Now, I think you should go to the Hollywood Versailles building on Hollywood Boulevard. It is a lifestyle. And there is one right now for 599.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Really?

[Jeff Lewis]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

What are we looking for?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Wait, you're not going to buy?

[Jeff Lewis]

Yes, he is going to buy.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Why are you buying forever?

[Jeff Lewis]

Forever. Forever. He's a good guy. Here's the thing. Wait.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Rent forever.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Why? Because in California, it doesn't even make sense to buy unless you're really.

[Jeff Lewis]

It does make sense.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No, it doesn't. Why does it make sense?

[Jeff Lewis]

Now, here's the thing. He is a saver. He's got a big down payment and he is ready to invest.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Because it is an investment. So invest in the market. Invest in the S&P 500.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I do.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Not to get Suzy Orman on you, but you can make a lot more in investments than on the floor. The real estate market, that's up and down and everywhere and never mind that. The great. The great fault. We're going to have the big earthquake here.

[Jeff Lewis]

Oh, yes. Any day.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Any day I'm going to buy those.

[Jeff Lewis]

Four apartments on West Knoll.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Yeah. Wait. That's fascinating to me.

[Zach Noe Towers]

It is like an investment, though. Like you're. You are flushing money.

[Robbie Hoffman]

If it's rent, it is. You know what? It's the same. It's an emotional investment. More. There's something very sturdy about feeling you own a home.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Okay. So it really has a big emotional tie. Is it. Does it make as much money as the market would? It does not.

[Jeff Lewis]

The Burberry sale. Private sale's almost over.

[Robbie Hoffman]

There's an investment now. That's an investment.

[Jeff Lewis]

Robby Hoffman I'd love to have you back, but I kind of think maybe you'd.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I hope never to be back. But I've enjoyed my time. I want to say this. It's nothing personal. It's the parking. I've enjoyed my time. I'm wishing you all well. Well, I'm wishing you all well.

[Jeff Lewis]

What if we sold. What if we brought you a car service?

[Robbie Hoffman]

I mean, you're getting close.

[Jeff Lewis]

Okay. All right. We'll Talk.

[Robbie Hoffman]

We'll talk. December 14, Netflix. Robbie Hoffman, wake the fuck up.

[Jeff Lewis]

Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis lad every weekday on Sirius xm as well well as the Jeff Lewis Channel, exclusively on the SiriusXM app. This episode of Jeff Lewis Has Issues is brought to you by The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas. You know, there's something about Vegas at night. The buzz of the crowd, the high energy, and that undeniable magic that makes you feel alive. When the sun sets, Las Vegas transforms. And at the heart of it all is the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas, a luxury resort destination where bold experiences unfold. Step a martini inside the chandelier. Discover hidden speakeasies, striking art, and unforgettable views of the Bellagio fountains and the Las Vegas skyline from your Terrace Suite. It's not just a hotel stay, it's an only in Vegas experience. Book your stay now atcosmopolitan Las Vegas dot com. Why does St. Nick get all the credit when moms do all the work? Michelle Pfeiffer stars as Claire Closter in oh, what Fun, a heartwarming holiday comedy from acclaimed director Michael Showalter. When Claire's family accidentally leaves her at home after she's planned the perfect Christmas outing, she's had enough. So she embarks on an impromptu adventure that turns into the holiday freedom she never knew she needed. Stream oh, what Fun. Now on Prime Video and discover the joy of a Christmas gone delightfully off script.