Simon Rex, Jackie Schimmel, & Doug Budin: Lizards & Road Rage

Summary

Podcast Summary: Jeff Lewis Has Issues

Episode: Simon Rex, Jackie Schimmel, & Doug Budin: Lizards & Road Rage
Air Date: March 4, 2026
Host: Jeff Lewis (with Simon Rex, Jackie Schimmel, Doug Budin)

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Episode Overview

This episode of Jeff Lewis Has Issues finds Jeff joined by actor/comedian Simon Rex, podcast host Jackie Schimmel, and regular Doug Budin. The crew dives into Simon’s quirks of living off the grid in Joshua Tree, bizarre animal encounters (including blood-shooting lizards), the economics of desert real estate, and their signature brand of playful roasting. Stories of viral rap hits, marital irritation, and over-the-top road rage round out a fast-paced and characteristically irreverent hour.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Designer Bags, Balenciaga Scandals & Hand-Me-Downs

[01:20 – 03:06]

• Jackie gifts Annie her Balenciaga bag: Jackie discusses "recycling" designer bags after the Balenciaga scandal, giving one to Annie and joking that now Annie will face the public ire instead of her.
  • “So you're giving away all your Balenciagas?” — Jeff [01:46]
  • Jokes about who’ll get egged next, the depreciation of scandal-branded bags, and bag trickle-down to Jackie’s daughter Monroe.
• Bag obsession: Monroe, Jeff’s daughter, has amassed 23 purses and "may need insurance."

2. Simon Rex: Life Off the Grid in Joshua Tree

[03:33 – 08:51]

• Living in a shipping container house: Simon bought his 450-sq ft off-grid home on five acres just before COVID.
  • "It’s 450 square feet... The house is worth a hundred thousand dollars, which is the price of a nice car. The land is more valuable.” — Simon [05:13]
  • Off-grid: has its own water well and Starlink internet.
• Desert animal encounters:
  • Rare horned lizard: “They shoot blood out of their eyes... It looks like a horror movie.” — Simon [06:50]
    • Big in Germany, can fetch up to $4,000.
  • Other critters: Rattlesnakes, scorpions, tarantulas, and visiting mountain lions; uses a local “snake whisperer” when needed.
• Reflections on isolation: Simon balances city and desert life, loving the stillness and privacy despite oddities. He’s learned new skills: building a guest house, outdoor kitchen, and embracing “DIY” living.

3. Comedy Careers, Rap Hits, & Hollywood Detours

[12:06 – 16:54]

• Simon’s path: Ex-model, MTV VJ, actor, then rapper (“Dirt Nasty”). Explains his viral hit:
  • “Me and my friends would just make...joking around, rapping... And somehow it got in the hands of Interscope Records and we got signed... Next thing you know, we’re on tour with the Chili Peppers in front of 50,000 people.” — Simon [12:52]
• Art for fun pays off: Both Jackie and Simon had surprise music hits when not trying too hard.
  • “If you just have fun and do it for fun, sometimes that could happen.” — Simon [14:54]
• Comeback with Red Rocket: After the music detour, Simon was “rescued” by director Sean Baker for Red Rocket (2021):
  • “I was sitting in that shipping container wondering what I'm doing with my life...Sean Baker hits me up... And I was like, oh my god, this is fucking hilarious.” — Simon [18:54]
  • Led to further roles, including in Zoe Kravitz’s Blink Twice.

4. Indiewood DIY: Operation Taco Gary’s

[20:06 – 21:15]

• Simon’s new comedy: Conspiracy-theory inspired, co-starring Brenda Song, Jason Biggs, and others.
  • “There’s a lot to play with in that world...a conspiracy theory comedy about me and my brother...I kidnap them and shenanigans ensue.” — Simon [20:43]
  • Hits theaters February 27, streaming afterward.

5. Money & Real Estate in Joshua Tree

[27:33 – 29:28]

• Land costs: Prices are rising: “My neighbor is selling her 10 acres...like $800,000 for 10 acres, which is absurd.” — Simon [27:55]
• Building out a retreat: The group jokes about “balling out” on acreage, wellness facilities, and infinity pools—bankrolling it by selling rare lizards.
• Snakes, fences, and critter deterrents: Brief debate about effectiveness of fences, snake seasons, and whether city slickers can survive the rural lifestyle.

6. Renovation Woes & Marriage Therapy

[34:24 – 38:33]

• Jackie’s home reno drama: Jackie's husband Andrew “wastes money” by interrupting their (expensive) architect with “dumb-ass” questions.
  • “He is so fucking comfortable saying the dumbest shit that I've ever heard anybody say publicly in front of these professionals with such careless abandon and on the clock. So every question he fucking asks, costing you money, costs about $36. I've run the numbers on it.” — Jackie [35:17]
  • Jackie invoices him on Venmo for every time he asks a “stupid” question.
• Marital advice: Jackie tells Simon “Don't do it” when he admits he's not married. Simon says he’s happy single, refusing social pressure.

7. Raccoon Sweaters, PETA Run-Ins, and Animal Ethics

[39:35 – 41:15]

• Jackie's “six raccoon sweaters”: She justifies the questionable material by believing “they don’t have to kill them.”
• PETA letter: After defending a Grammy dove-handling performance on her podcast, Jackie was “scolded” by PETA for downplaying animal rights. She lampoons their seriousness.

8. Road Rage, Market Showdowns & Car Fights

[41:16 – 43:35]

• Jackie’s latest incident: A guy honks the instant a light turns green; Jackie escalates by matching his energy and interrogates him at the next two lights.
  • “You fight crazy with crazy, and it just, like, eliminates it.” — Jackie [41:26]
  • “Where do you need to go? Like, is it urgent? Are you making something? You got a girlfriend? Then it turns green again. I'm like, it's green.” — Jackie [43:13]
• Simon’s view: “Give me half a second and I’ll go. Everyone needs to relax.” — Simon [43:35]

9. Listener Calls: Simon’s Teen Icon Status & More

[45:40 – 48:58]

• Kate, Minneapolis: “Simon Rex was a part of my awakening as a young teenage girl. You made me realize…that I liked boys.”
  • Simon grateful but self-deprecating: “I don't think they care or appreciate how much of a legend I am.” [46:16]
• Kelly, Canada: Backs up Jackie’s rant about husbands acting helpful while “clueless,” especially at parent-teacher meetings.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On viral success:

  • “The whole thing was a joke…it goes platinum. And the whole thing was a joke. It's pretty funny.” — Simon, on Dirt Nasty [13:47]

• On desert life:

  • “If anything goes down, you could survive out there.” — Simon [05:20]
  • “I could go spend time alone for a day with the snake lady.” — Simon [10:09]

• On relationships:

  • “I'm happy. I'm okay. I'm okay by myself out there. I'm okay. If I don't, I'm okay.” — Simon [38:09]

• On renovation with a spouse:

  • “He says, how is she gonna do the blueprints if they haven't moved the retaining wall yet?... She's the architect!...Every question…averages $36 to $43.” — Jackie [35:17]

• On road rage:

  • “It was 0.03 seconds. I go, this guy's honking at me...Now we're both at the red light. I'm like, by the way, where are you going? Like, why are you in such a rush? He's like, going to the market. And I'm like, oh my God, you better get there fast.” — Jackie [43:07]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:20] — Introduction, bag drama, Balenciaga scandal
• [03:33] — Simon’s Joshua Tree home, animal encounters
• [12:06] — Simon’s entertainment career and viral rap days
• [18:54] — Comeback with Red Rocket and recent projects
• [20:06] — Promoting Operation Taco Gary’s
• [27:33] — Joshua Tree real estate economics
• [34:24] — Jackie’s home renovation and marital bickering
• [39:35] — Raccoon sweaters and PETA beef
• [41:16] — Jackie’s road rage showdown
• [45:40] — Listener calls: fan confessions and marriage rants

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Tone and Language

This episode is loud, brash, self-aware, and peppered with the group’s signature deadpan and sarcasm. There are frequent, affectionate put-downs, peppy bickering, and candid confessions (“Stop fucking apologizing,” “I'm just excited for McDonald's”). The humor is unapologetic and often veers into the absurd, yet everyone is in on the joke.

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Conclusion

“Simon Rex, Jackie Schimmel, & Doug Budin: Lizards & Road Rage” delivers the perfect blend of Hollywood behind-the-scenes, comedic self-mockery, and unsparing personal revelations. The hosts and guests riff on everything from blood-shooting lizards and the economics of designer bag scandals to the pratfalls of marriage and the value of doing things just for the fun of it. If you want an episode where absurdity meets honesty (with a heap of therapy in between), you’ll laugh out loud—a laugh a minute, as promised.

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Simon’s new comedy, Operation Taco Gary’s, is in theaters February 27th and streaming soon after.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[D]

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[C]

McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal.

[D]

Each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets.

[C]

There's actually no rush.

[D]

I'm just excited for McDonald's for limited time only. Prices and participation may vary.

[C]

Not badly for McDelivery.

[A]

When you're Jeff Lewis, the drama never stops.

[C]

Stop fucking apologizing. You're not making it any better. You're just reminding me how late we are. I know I'm specific. I know I'm a little high maintenance, which is why I tip really fucking well. I don't want to start shit, but

[B]

is that really okay?

[E]

Really?

[A]

Jeff Lewis has Issues.

[C]

Hey, welcome to Jeff Lewis Has Issues. In today's episode, Simon Rex, Jackie Schimmel and Doug Buten join the show. We talk about living off the grid, road rage and virtual reality. Good morning.

[A]

Good morning.

[B]

Good morning.

[C]

Jackie, that was very nice of you to give Annie one of your discarded Balenciaga bags.

[A]

Yes, I love her. It's a family heirloom.

[C]

Did you show Simon your new bag?

[B]

I saw it. I saw the handoff.

[C]

Beautiful, right?

[B]

I saw the handoff and then I was educated on why she gave her the bag.

[C]

Why did she give her the bag?

[B]

Because there was a big scandal with Balenciaga. With the kid, the BSN teddy bears.

[C]

Yeah, I see.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. So you're giving away all your Balenciagas?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

So people are going to egg Annie instead of you for having it.

[C]

Exactly. Did you give one to Simon?

[A]

I will next time.

[B]

I'm a sensible black one. But I guessed, didn't I guess exactly the value?

[C]

Yeah, you did.

[B]

I said, let me guess how much that's worth. 2,500 bucks, she said. Exactly six years ago. So now it might be worth less.

[C]

Less?

[B]

It doesn't appreciate.

[E]

Not with the scandal.

[C]

Some bags do, but not which ones do.

[A]

Sorry, Annie.

[B]

Guys, can we calm down?

[D]

Hermes is more valuable after market or after sale, whatever it's called.

[C]

Did you see that other bag she was carrying and Is that what you. Is that why you elected to hit that closet today?

[A]

Yes, I did.

[C]

I really appreciate it.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I think that's so awful. And I said to her, I said, please get rid of the old bag. And she said, I mean, you've just elevated her bag. Thank you. Even with the scandal, it's still better than what she was carrying.

[B]

Shut up.

[A]

This bag is cute.

[C]

Annie's bag is pink metallic.

[B]

It's a pink metallic Balenciaga with jewels

[A]

and a heart shaped mirror on the side.

[C]

It just looks like a second grader

[D]

would carry, like a little mermaid.

[A]

I mean, mine's not. Mine's like a fourth grader, but I feel like it will, you know, it could trickle down, stay in the family. Monroe can use it as a lunch bag in a few years once the scandal has settled.

[C]

Yes, that, that makes sense.

[A]

I'll carry it through the scandal. Perfect.

[E]

She's so brave.

[C]

I just for fun, just counted her bags the other day. So I was like, God, this seems like we're getting a lot of purses here. She has 23 purses. Monroe. Lois.

[A]

Monroe's nine. Simon. Nine. Just to clue.

[C]

I'm have to ensure that all of that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, probably.

[D]

Does she have a bag closet? I don't think so.

[E]

Yeah. And there's a safe and a lock.

[D]

Okay. There you go.

[C]

Yeah. So, Simon, welcome.

[B]

Thank you. It's very nice to be here on the bag show.

[C]

I. I'm very curious. Do you live in Joshua Tree? Is that your main house?

[B]

Yeah, I do. I, well, I, I.

[C]

Look at this, Jackie.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

How'd you find it? Oh. Holy.

[D]

How'd that get.

[B]

That's on the Internet.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, man. Yeah. That's a shipping container house. Oh. I bought that right before COVID And everyone's like, you're so smart. You moved out to the middle of nowhere for Covid. I got lucky. I bough that right two weeks before the pandemic started. And then the guy who sold me the home that looked like the Subaru commercial, the guy who sold me the home wanted it back because he was like, I up. I got rid of this house in the middle of nowhere. And this is perfect for these strange times. And I, I felt it was a weird position to be, and I'm like, well, I'm not selling it back to you. So anyway, yes, that's my home. And. And then I have a little place in Silver Lake and I go back and forth and I just go there. Like, I'll probably go there tonight for A couple days. It's the getaway. It's the getaway pad.

[D]

Beautiful.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Do you also have. I've never seen a shipping container.

[B]

Yeah, it's a thing. It's a thing. It's very minimal. It's. It's 450 square feet. It's one big room. The bedroom. It's just. It's a tiny house, but the land is beautiful.

[C]

Five acres.

[B]

Five acres. And it's surprisingly, really cheap to live out there. So it sounds like I'm a baller. It's very affordable.

[C]

Would you pay for it?

[B]

I don't want to say that.

[C]

We can look it up and we can announce it.

[B]

Yeah, you could. I guess you could see what the value is.

[E]

Keep scrolling.

[B]

It probably doubled since I got it six years ago, but I don't want. Yeah. Isn't it not nice to talk about that?

[C]

Not here, but it's.

[B]

All right.

[C]

So five acres and then.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

In a tiny house. I'll say this. The house is worth a hundred thousand dollars, which is the price of a nice car. And that was the house.

[C]

So it's the land. It's.

[B]

The land is more valuable. It has a water well. It's off grid. Fully off grid. So if anything goes down, you could survive out there. Oh, this is all on my Instagram. Duh.

[D]

But you could also buy another.

[A]

That's gorgeous.

[E]

It's really.

[B]

It's really weird because I'm from San Francisco.

[C]

I lived in Inside.

[B]

Now that's a little tiny guest house I built.

[C]

Oh, so that's the guest house.

[B]

That's the guest. Well, that is. I built a little guest house right there. But it's like living on Mars. It's really trippy because I'm not. I just recently got into, like, being out in nature. Like, I'm a city guy. I grew up in San Francisco, New York, Louisiana, my whole life. So moving out there was very out of my comfort zone. And now I love it. It's just, like, quiet and chill, but alien encounters. No, I don't believe in that. But there's a n. There's a military base, 29 Palms, which is very close. So people go to Joshua Tree and do mushrooms, and they'll see a weird aircraft, and they're like, I saw a ufo. Well, maybe it's unidentified, but it's not an alien in there. It's probably a dude from Michigan.

[A]

Okay, good to know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that a shooting?

[D]

Oh, yeah, I caught that.

[B]

I caught that thing right there.

[C]

Simon, what is that?

[B]

That is a. What? What Are they called. Those are. It's crazy that. So that thing right there is. They. I'm not. I'm not kidding. You could look this up. They shoot blood.

[D]

Their eyes.

[E]

It's an alien.

[D]

We're looking at a video.

[C]

That's the alien.

[D]

Simon's Instagram.

[B]

So it's like a lizard there. It's a lizard. That's super. They come out to very rarely and I caught one and you could sell that. And for some reason, I don't know why, in Germany they'll spend. Spend like four grand on that little lizard right there.

[A]

For a bag.

[B]

This would be for a bag?

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

No, for a bag. Charm. He's so cute.

[B]

Yeah. That horned lizard. Yeah, it's a horny toad. I believe if you look it up. They shoot blood out of their eyes. It looks like a horror movie. You could see it on YouTube. Blood comes out of their eyeballs.

[C]

How would we get it to Germany, though?

[B]

I don't know. People, they. They have to. I just learned that after posting.

[D]

That's what you're worried about?

[B]

How do you get this?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Because if we're going to get four grand for it, how do we deliver it?

[A]

That's a mini Kelly hand.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know how you deliver. I don't know how you deliver it. It's a good question. I wasn't gonna do it, but I was like, oh, well, this is a good side hustle.

[C]

Well, if you could get five.

[B]

That's what I'm saying over there. Right.

[C]

I don't know what it costs to fly to Germany, but you use your points. Yeah, use your points and then make quick 20 grand and fly right on back.

[B]

I couldn more. I've. That's the only one I've caught in six years. They're hard to find and hard to see in the ground.

[E]

What'd you do with them?

[B]

I let them go after a few days.

[E]

That's nice.

[C]

A few days.

[B]

Yeah, I kept them for like three days.

[C]

Did you feed him?

[B]

Yeah, well, I did. I left the lid open on the jar.

[D]

And did it bleed for you?

[B]

No, it did not bleed for me.

[C]

Not that nice place, Simon.

[B]

Thank you. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, what are you watching on tv?

[B]

I don't know what that was.

[C]

That looked like porn.

[B]

It might have been. I got the. I got the WI fi out there. The. I got the. What's it called?

[E]

Starlink.

[B]

Starlink, yeah. Skylink. Because it's. Anyway, so it's a very minimal, but it's really about the vibe.

[C]

You need a pool.

[B]

Have you been to Josh? Well, that's expensive. Everyone's like, you need. Why don't you just enjoy what I got?

[C]

You need a pool.

[D]

I know.

[B]

Everyone's like, that's not. I do. I have an ice bath in a sauna. Okay.

[A]

There we go.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Now we just need the pool and the spa.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[C]

How much will it cost? Did you look into it?

[B]

Yeah, I did. I got a guy who.

[C]

80 grand?

[B]

No, not that much. You could do it for like 30 grand, which, you know, it's not cheap, but it's not as much as you think. It's an above ground pool. This guy makes out there for 30 grand? Yeah, yeah. Doable.

[C]

What are we waiting for? Does he have financing?

[A]

Sell the lizard. Let's get a pool.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, yeah, it's a. It's a trip, man. It's like, not for everybody. Like, some of my friends come out there and like, this is awesome. And then some of my friends come out like, what the fuck are you doing out here? But I love it.

[D]

And it's. Physically, it's.

[C]

But you're catching lizards is what you're catching lizards? What else are you catching out there?

[B]

I caught a snake, which was scary. A rattlesnake? Yeah. Yeah. I learned there's a woman out there named. If you want to have a fun peek at Instagram, I don't know, she's trying to change her name. Her name is Daniel, a snake whisperer. And she. She'll come to your property and catch snakes if you don't want to grab them or deal with them. She's this tattooed up, you know, rad chick that, that I've met, because a

[C]

masculine woman, I imagine.

[B]

No, she's actually quite. She's like, she's a pretty model. It's crazy. She's got a good body and tattoos and she does modeling out there. And she's the snake woman that the fire department, the police, they all call

[C]

her if there's something going on with you and her.

[B]

No, we're friends.

[C]

Okay, so you can just call her whenever you see a snake?

[B]

Yes. And one time I. I decided to just catch the snake on my own because I got this thing, it's like a golf club size snake grabber. I don't know what the you call it. You pick up the snake and I put it in my ice bath, which was empty. Oh, that's me building my outdoor kitchen to the average. I like. Oh, this guy builds. This is all new for me. I don't know what I'm This I'm learning out there to. To do construction.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

I got a truck. I'm like, I'm going that road. Okay.

[A]

Can you come over to my house after this?

[B]

Yeah, but I can fix your Balenciaga bag.

[C]

It seems it's lonely. It's not.

[B]

Well, I mean, when I have company out there, it's not lonely. But I. I also could go spend time alone for a day with the snake lady. It's a trip being out there by yourself for a couple days. Yeah, I mix it up. I have friends and family come. I'll go by myself. It's great.

[C]

Are there restaurants out there like Chili's?

[B]

Yeah, there's. I think there's Applebee's.

[C]

Oh, nice.

[B]

Yeah, but there's actually. Yeah, there's not a lot of good food out there. You got to go down to Palm Spring, which is like the big city, for, like, a good steakhouse.

[C]

Oh, how far is that?

[B]

Like 40 minutes.

[C]

All right. That's not terrible. So what are the closest restaurants, like, within 15 minutes?

[B]

One of the best restaurants out there is La Coupin, which is about 20 minutes. It's like a world famous restaurant. Like, really good. Really good. And then there's a couple spots in Yucca Valley near the Joshua Tree Park.

[C]

Is that where you go to the grocery store?

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

So you're cooking for yourself?

[B]

Yeah, I learned to cook.

[C]

Are you a good cook?

[B]

No.

[C]

You know, it's probably worse.

[B]

You know how to make a statement.

[C]

Jackie Schimmel.

[A]

I'm a good cook. How fucking dare you? You know this about me.

[D]

She cooks beautiful.

[C]

I like getting her triggered. This morning.

[A]

I'm triggered.

[D]

And you're gonna show everybody next Thursday?

[A]

Oh, yeah. I'll be on Cooking Kibbets next Thursday.

[C]

Why would you do that? That's a career killer cooking kibbutz.

[E]

Because Doug's coming to her now I

[D]

go to her house.

[C]

Oh, you're driving all the way to Westlake?

[A]

You're invited. If you want to get your passports and make the trek, that's too far.

[C]

I mean, Joshua Tree is closer.

[D]

Bring your own lizards.

[A]

That's true.

[C]

I'd rather go see the shipping container house. I do think you should do the pool, Simon.

[B]

Oh, I know I will one day. Oh, that's crazy. Anyway, that's. Look at that. I mean, look at it.

[C]

It is a beautiful piece of property.

[B]

People listening don't see what we're looking at, but it's basically looks like you're in the Grand Canyon or something.

[E]

Look at Simon's instagram Oh, shit.

[C]

I forgot to introduce Simon Shannon. So your mom's gonna get so mad at me.

[D]

To one, everybody.

[C]

Simon, this is what I do. I do it every time I jump in a conversation and I don't tell anybody who you are. Okay, so you are a former model turned MTV VJ turned actor turned rapper turned actor again.

[B]

That's about right. Yeah.

[C]

Okay, I will say I'm a big fan. You had a hit single as. So is it.

[B]

I know.

[C]

It was Dick Nasty.

[B]

Dirt Nasty.

[C]

Dirt. So don't be crazy.

[B]

Dick Nasty is really good.

[C]

Actually.

[E]

You gotta relaunch on this comeback song.

[C]

That was a mistake. Yeah. Dirt Nasty and Mickey Avalon. And you had. You went platinum with this head.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Should collaborate.

[C]

My dick more mass than the earth, yo. Dick has that.

[B]

It needs work.

[D]

It's very catchy.

[C]

You should be proud. The writing is incredible.

[E]

It's deep. I get it.

[B]

So it's funny. So me and my buddies, I had a successful acting career. And me and my friends, this is early 2000s, me and a couple of my buddies would just make. I had a little music studio and we would make. I'd make the beats and my friends and me would rap. And I would burn. This is CD burner. Days before the, like, this is even before MySpace. And I would burn CDs of me and my friends joking around, rapping. And I would hand it out at the club to friends and I'd see like Leonardo DiCaprio. I'd be like, here, dude, this is me and my boys rapping. And I'd see, you know, models and. And I just started handing them out. And somehow it got in the hands of Interscope Records and we got signed to Interscope Record. And next thing you know, we're on tour with the Chili Peppers in front of 50,000 people in arenas in Europe. And we were just joking around in my spare bedroom. And then. Yeah, yeah. And then it goes platinum. And the whole thing was a joke. It's pretty funny.

[C]

She has a very similar story. So she made you did a song as a joke during COVID

[B]

This is your song.

[C]

Yeah. We gotta. We need more.

[A]

Seems unimpressed.

[B]

No, no, I'm listening to the lyrics and I don't agree. You're not a bitch.

[E]

You don't know me at all.

[B]

Well, she's being nice to me about

[A]

the professional content mom retainer. You know, this shit is a banger. So what if I'm a bitch bitch.

[E]

And then we roll into bitch.

[C]

Yep.

[E]

So good.

[A]

Grammy Award winning songwriter.

[C]

Where'd you like number one on iTunes for a second?

[A]

Itunes and the Billboard chart. I was number 23 on the Billboard chart.

[E]

That's crazy.

[B]

And were you trying to blow up or just joking around?

[A]

It was during COVID My husband is a music producer. I somehow hijacked one of his sessions with some, like, really big songwriters and bullied them into spending an hour and a half writing me a song. And then we put it out as a joke. Yeah. So words of a.

[B]

See, that's the lesson out there. Cause I think if you just have fun and do it for fun, sometimes that could happen if you take it too seriously, man. But anyway, that's my experience and her experience. Yeah, it's crazy. I got a platinum plaque on my wall, and I was just fucking around. I made the beat in five minutes. We had a microphone with a sock on it. It was just really lo fi. And it worked. Anyway, so then I sabotaged my acting career by doing that, because I was on the road with the Chili Peppers, and I remember my agent at the time, this is like, BlackBerry days, would be emailing me. They're like, where are you? You have an audition for ER or whatever the fuck was going on then. And I'm like, I'm on tour with the Chili Peppers in Europe. And my agents were like, what are you doing? I'm like, I don't know, but it's fun. And. And then I sabotaged my acting career by going on the road, and then I was stuck doing that funny rap shit for 15 years and. But it was fun. But then when I hit 40, it wasn't cute anymore. When you get gray hair and you're rapping about your dick and doing coke, it's not cute anymore. Right. You know, it's still. It was fun, but it was like, okay, this is for, like, a younger. And then.

[C]

Still cute to us, though.

[A]

Yeah, I find it adorable.

[B]

There's an audience.

[C]

I think you'd rap about your dick at any age.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[E]

Yeah, they love it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Now. So you were on Felicity, Jack and Jill. What? Now, what I like about you is that. Was that Amanda Bynes?

[B]

Yeah, it came out on Netflix, just so you know.

[C]

You two work together? Oh, Doug Buten was in the office.

[B]

I thought I recognized when you said, nice to see. I'm like, I know him from somewhere. But it's been, what, a long time? 25, 23 years. But we.

[D]

We didn't have. I worked in the office with Amanda.

[B]

That's right.

[D]

Gossipy queen.

[B]

Wait, did you run Lines with us, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah. Dude, that's crazy. It was 24 years ago, so I

[C]

get the hall pass.

[D]

I haven't aged. It's true.

[B]

That's so crazy. Yeah. And Amanda Sheldon directed, I remember. Wow. Well, it's on Netflix and I've been kind of going down Memory. Memory Lane. Memory Road. Memory Avenue.

[C]

Memory Lane.

[B]

No, it's Memory Street.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Memory Street.

[E]

Memory Place.

[C]

I'm sure you've watched it many times.

[D]

No, I was just gonna say it's on Netflix. I wasn't able to see because I'm a rewatch.

[A]

I loved that.

[B]

It was a good show.

[D]

My copy's on vhs, so I don't. I don't have the ability to watch.

[B]

Yeah, you do. You have Netflix now.

[D]

I have Netflix, yeah.

[B]

Anyway, it's. It holds up. I was. I just checked it out the other day and I'm like, whoa, I haven't seen this in 23 years. And it's still very wholesome and funny and well written.

[A]

And he played Grossman, a star also. Yeah, yeah, Leslie Grossman, she was in that show.

[D]

Leslie Grossman was our boss. And Jenny Gart. You were with Jenny?

[B]

Yes, I was in season one. So I don't know then season there was different cast throughout the years. I was just on the first season. Yeah, anyway. Yeah, anyway, I went on a tangent there. But yeah, it's. It's. It's a wholesome, good show. And what you were saying, Felicity. Yeah, that was the WB days. This was the early 2, late 90s, early 2000s. I moved here from New York and I just got a whole. What's called a holding deal where the network will give you. They'll retain you, and they'll say, okay, we're going to pay you to not work on other networks and we're going to put you on a few shows. And that's what they did. They put me on Felicity, Jack and Jill. What I like about you and another show, I can't remember. Anyway, those were the good old days. That's when there was a lot of money in Hollywood. Nowadays, it's not like that as much. I mean, that doesn't exist anymore. A holding deal. That's unheard of. Yeah. So that was a good time. And it was a sitcom. Sitcoms don't even exist anymore. A live audience sitcom, they don't exist. So it was a good time. And I left it to rap with my friends, like an. And I left all of that dream life to rap with my friends in Cleveland in a In a snowstorm.

[A]

Yeah, but that.

[B]

Which was fun. It was cool and it was fun.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

And I'm lucky to have my career back and be sitting here right now.

[C]

Well, that's what we need to talk about. So what happened? There was a movie that you did in 2021 that I think was a bit of a comeback for you. Correct, Correct. Red. Red Rocket.

[B]

Yes, that's right. And it was this guy, Sean Baker. He just won every O last year. He's like, the guy. And he pulled me out of obscurity. I was sitting in that shipping container wondering what I'm doing with my life. I quit rapping. I moved out there. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. But I'm getting out of la and I had a good run. And then Sean Baker hits me up and gets my phone number and hits me directly and has me audition on my phone and send it in to him. And he says, okay, you got the job. I need you in Texas in three days. So I just drove out to Texas. We shot this movie, and then it was at Cannes Film Festival, won all these awards, standing ovation at. And I was like, oh, my God, this is fucking hilarious. Like, I got wrote back in.

[C]

And then you immediately got cast in. Is it Blink Twice? Yeah, Channing Tatum.

[B]

Yeah, because Zoe, who wrote and directed Kravitz.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

She loved. A lot of. A lot of people loved this movie called Red Rocket so much that they would just insert me into their existing project and just. I never had that before where you just get, like, put into a movie without auditioning, which is nice, because then you don't have an opportunity to blow the audition. So, yeah, it just work begets work kind of thing. So they just got me more work, so that's nice.

[C]

And then what are you promoting today? Cause it's a strange title.

[B]

Yeah, Operation Taco Gary's. It's a. Yeah, it is strange. Yeah, it's a com. So I feel there's not enough comedies out there. And I. You know, they don't make them anymore. And if they do, they're not that good. So me and a couple of my friends decided to make our own indie comedy, low budget, and it came out really good. And we're going to be in theaters the 27th, and it's called Operation Taco Gary's, and it's basically a conspiracy theory comedy. I think conspiracy theories are really funny to me. I have some friends. I'm sure you all do. If you aren't one of them. You got a friend who goes way too deep down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theory.

[E]

We do.

[B]

And there's a lot of funny. That's really. There's a lot to play with in that world. So it's a conspiracy theory comedy about me and my brother, who's not a conspiracy theorist, and I kidnap them and shenanigans ensue. And it's with Brenda Song, Dustin Mulligan, Tony Cavallaro, Arturo Castro. It's great cast. And Jason Biggs, he plays himself in it and. Yeah, yeah. So very happy with it. It's a very funny, silly comedy. We need more silly comedies.

[C]

Right?

[A]

I agree.

[C]

Oh, I forgot to mention, this is probably where people know you. Scary movie. Yeah. That's where your mom knows.

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Three, four, and five, right? Yeah. That's probably where Shannon Douglas. I'm sure she's seen that.

[D]

A lot of people know Simon from that.

[B]

That was.

[C]

And that's how you knew Simon, right, Oscar.

[E]

That was Oscar from his early work.

[B]

Yeah, Oscar, that was probably the biggest thing.

[C]

Oh, early work. Oh, I heard. Okay, I caught that. Scary movie. Does that just come up in every single interview?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It's too easy. Yeah, it's too easy.

[C]

I haven't brought it up.

[B]

Well, you just did.

[E]

I did. But it was a joke.

[B]

Yeah, I know it's a joke.

[C]

So now the listeners are wondering, so you did some photography early on, and that's where you. Yep.

[A]

Who hasn't?

[C]

That's what got you noticed. And it created a big modeling career, Correct?

[B]

Sure, sure. Well, let's just say that happened. Sure.

[C]

Okay, so. And the pictures were nude.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

And there were some videos.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Okay, There you go. Moving on. Now it's out.

[D]

Done.

[C]

Are you mad about that?

[B]

No, no, not at all. It's. It just always comes up and it's just like. It's like that joke. There's a joke about it that's very funny that reminds me of my life. It's Let me. And I. I'm gonna probably butcher the joke, but it goes something like.

[C]

Thank you. Probably will.

[B]

I probably will wait till the prank. Oh, well, is there a break?

[E]

No, but I want to hear the joke.

[B]

Something like, you know, this guy's telling his nephew, you know, my whole life I build this beautiful home, but do they call me Igor the home builder? No, they don't. I plant this field, but do they call me Igor the field planter? No, they don't. But you fuck. One sheep, it landed.

[A]

That was good.

[C]

That was funny.

[B]

However and that's the story of my life. It doesn't matter. All the stuff I did. I could win a regrets. It doesn't put. I wouldn't be here.

[C]

No, there shouldn't be any regrets because you didn't do this. You wouldn't have been here. And if you didn't do there, you wouldn't have been here. So, look, there's no regrets and there's

[D]

no judgment here, that's for sure.

[B]

Good.

[C]

Well, here's the problem, which is probably uncomfortable for you. He's probably pleasured himself many times to those photos.

[D]

Are you indicating me?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. I'm sorry, Simon.

[B]

That's why you wanted to run lines. Amanda Bond's room.

[A]

There is the sound.

[D]

Nope, none of that is true.

[B]

Well, not currently though, because he's no loads.

[E]

Butin yeah, you're safe.

[D]

No issues. No problem.

[C]

So he's on Flomax because he had kidney stones.

[B]

Yeah, that's what you're talking about before. And now you can't have an orgasm.

[C]

Well, he can. There's just no ejaculation.

[A]

Wait, why? Because it's blocked. Like the valve is blocked.

[D]

It relaxes your prostate so much that you're. It's not able to divert the semen to where it's supposed to go. Instead, it gets reabsorbed back into your bladder.

[A]

Is that dangerous?

[D]

No, it's not dangerous. Unless you want it to procreate. You can't have. You know, you can't conceive. So if you are planning to have a child, you have to talk to your doctor. And I guess they just put you on something else. So it's not dangerous. But it's not. It just makes it not fun. It's a womp, womp, womp.

[C]

But it's not about the aesthetic part of it. There's. There's a feeling and intensity that is not there anymore.

[A]

There's no release.

[C]

Yeah, there's no real release.

[D]

Yeah, it's a real let. It's just a letdown. It's just a bummer.

[B]

So this is a good lesson for you. Just enjoy the ride, not the destination.

[C]

That's a very good point.

[D]

I don't even wanna.

[C]

He does enjoy the ride and the destination, but. And then. Do you still have those goggles that you.

[E]

Oh, the VR goggles.

[D]

My VR goggles.

[C]

Do you still use those?

[D]

I haven't used it. I used to work out with my VR thing. I was doing all sorts of calisthenics with my VR thing, but I haven't used it. In a while. Remember, I injured myself and that. So then after, I ran into a tree because I was in my backyard.

[B]

With your VR goggles on. You ran into a tree and I haven't.

[D]

I had never heard.

[C]

No, but we have bird cams.

[B]

I was about to say. Do we have, like, a ring cam?

[C]

It was before. We have bird camps. It was before.

[B]

What does that mean?

[D]

People need that.

[B]

Oh, is that a different type of ring cam? Bird cam?

[D]

No. You need that for Joshua Tree.

[C]

Oh, you do need it for Joshua Tree.

[B]

I watched the YouTube. YouTube videos where it's, like, the nest of the birds. Oh, yeah, I watch those.

[D]

It's a feeder. It's bird buddy.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

There's an eagle one in. In Big Rock. I love watching.

[D]

I have that in my backyard. So every time a bird comes, it sends me a video.

[E]

It'll tell you what kind of bird that's true. If you want.

[B]

So it's interesting.

[C]

It's the same birds that keep coming

[B]

back interesting because they love my home or they love the tree. And if the home wasn't there, they'd probably be in the trees.

[C]

But I put on his. Now, Jeff tried, and I did sample porn while I was.

[B]

3D porn?

[C]

Yes. It was actually kind of cool. I felt like I was right there.

[D]

It made me dizzy.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I don't know about that.

[C]

It's not enough for me to buy some.

[A]

Right.

[C]

But it was.

[D]

But to come over to your friend's house and borrow his VR for porn.

[B]

Yeah. Wait, Jeff watched?

[C]

Well, don't tell me that you haven't used that.

[D]

I told you I had to learn how to do it when you brought it up.

[E]

Bring him to Phoenix.

[D]

My VR thing. We need a good vlog.

[C]

You have your own room.

[B]

You have porn on Doug's goggles in his home.

[C]

Yes, I did.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Pervert.

[C]

No, it was just a few minutes. I just wanted to see what it was like.

[D]

Just a couple of guys hanging around.

[C]

No one else is curious.

[D]

On the couch.

[B]

All of you are curious.

[E]

No. I said no.

[D]

It was over a year ago.

[C]

You'd watch it. Simon, I feel.

[B]

You know what's funny? The whole VR thing. Like, not just VR porn, but as a whole, I feel like until they get it to be less cumbersome and, like, goofy. It just hasn't quite hit. Like, I remember getting Oculus or one of those and checking it out, but, yeah, I feel like it's not quite there yet, is it? And with now with. With AI, it's about to get really freaky. I bet. And you could probably just put in some contact lenses. It's all coming. And then you could just not have the goggles and run into a tree.

[D]

You could be sitting here doing Jeff's show and watching porn at the same time.

[B]

Now, that's the dream. That's the dream.

[A]

Dreams do come true.

[C]

Doug, you got WI fi out there?

[B]

Yeah, I do.

[C]

That's the Starlink.

[B]

Starlink.

[C]

And it's good. It's a good.

[B]

It's great.

[E]

It's satellite.

[B]

It's a setup here.

[A]

How close are you to the Capizon outlet outlets?

[B]

Oh, hour and 10 minutes.

[E]

Stop by for lunch.

[B]

Yeah, they have a lunch.

[E]

They do.

[C]

They do. Okay.

[D]

That's a great outlet. I know it's the same company as

[E]

Camarillo, but this, it's.

[A]

Oh, my God, it's so much better.

[C]

What can it get for like. Like, what would 10 acres, 20 acres cost me out there?

[B]

Well, now. Okay, so now, for instance, my neighbor is selling her 10 acres, and she's asking, like, $800,000 for 10 acres, which is absurd.

[C]

Does it have a well? Does it have a septic like yours? Does it have.

[B]

I don't know if it has a well, but she's asking way too much.

[C]

Can I tap into yours?

[B]

I wonder if you could actually.

[D]

That's what you said about that.

[B]

I don't know how that works, but

[C]

I like those mod. Those really modern modular homes. And to put that out there with a pool, it's kind of amazing. Just go out there and check out for two days and then go back. Okay. I'm seeing the value in this.

[B]

Yeah, it's really just to go reset. It's almost like. Yeah, it's just to rechar the batteries. And I don't. Until I really got out of the city. I'm so used to the city. In traveling and going into nature, I never realized how much I enjoy unplugging from all of the intense insanity of living in, you know, the human zoo. So it's nice to go out there and just sort of recalibrate and then come back in. It's. It's.

[C]

But I think to get. Sounds weird is going to be $2 million, because you're going to get. You're going to want 10 acres, Jackie, for 800 grand, then we have to build the house.

[B]

We need the pool.

[C]

The pool's going to us, you know, probably a hundred grand, because we're going to want a little bit of an infinity edge.

[A]

Of course.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

So if you want to ball out, it's going to be expensive. I do want to ball out.

[C]

And then we're going to have to have the cold plunge. Because if Simon has it, we need

[A]

a full wellness center.

[C]

Probably. You know what we could do? We could split it.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And then you guys can use it one weekend. Because I don't want to go there every weekend.

[E]

Okay. Timeshare.

[A]

No, me either.

[C]

You're right. Timeshare.

[A]

What would it be like a wellness retreat?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

A lot of people do that out there.

[C]

First we hit cabaz.

[A]

Obviously.

[C]

That's the therapy.

[A]

Yeah, of course we do the power Infinity loop. I know exactly where to park. I know how to get in and get out.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

You could drive to get a steak at one of the I'm Steak?

[C]

Because I can't cook, son.

[D]

No, in Palm Springs, you can do it the Saturday night.

[A]

I got a Ruth Chris on Highway 111.

[B]

And I'll be honest. Look, on the way out there, I stop at Erewhon. I grab some snacks, I throw them in the fridge. It's not cooking. I'm heating up.

[C]

Yeah, okay. Thank you for being honest, but I

[B]

didn't think you cooked. But I cook a steak. I did learn to cook a steak.

[C]

That's about it.

[D]

The one issue for Jeff is the snakes. We're gonna have to get you an.

[C]

I need the snake lady. But I'm gonna be calling her a lot.

[D]

Yeah, we gotta get this.

[C]

I don't want those. Can I do snake fencing?

[B]

Yeah. So not really. It's a look.

[D]

What does that mean?

[B]

They're only out six months a year. The critters are out. They hibernate the other six months. So right now, in the winter, which is a really nice time of year, they're hibernating. They're not even out. So six months a year, you don't even think about it.

[C]

What month?

[B]

Pretty much. Right when it gets to be a certain temperature. Cold.

[C]

October.

[B]

Yeah, I want to say September. October, November. December. Yeah, pretty much.

[C]

Those are the months I'm going to use the house.

[A]

Okay, great.

[C]

You can use it in the other house.

[A]

Leave me with the critters.

[D]

August is great in the desert, Jackie.

[C]

What about scorpions?

[B]

Yeah, I've seen one scorpion since I've been out there and one tarantula. But they're not lethal. Neither are the snakes. You'll get up, but you won't die. Likely.

[A]

What about, like, mountain lions?

[B]

Yeah, there's mountains of prey. I haven't seen them, but my neighbor's camera caught a couple mountain lions and then I think they're nocturnal, so you just don't see them. But they're out there. And I saw a bobcat once that was really cool.

[C]

Does anyone do fencing?

[B]

You know, that's an interesting question. And where I live out there, nobody wants to fence their property.

[C]

I'm gonna need to fence one.

[B]

So. Yeah, but the fence won't really stop any anything.

[A]

No, it doesn't. We have a fence. We've got a snake thing. I've had a bob.

[C]

I need a guard lion.

[A]

I've had everything in my.

[D]

Yeah, snipers

[C]

by order of the Peaky

[B]

Blinders Academy Award winner Killian Murphy returns alongside an all star cast including Rebecca Ferguson, Tim Roth, Sophie Rundle with Academy

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Award nominee Barry Keoghan and Emmy Award winner Stephen Graham.

[B]

In Netflix's upcoming film Peaky Blinders, the Immortal Man Tommy Shelby must face his own demons and choose whether to confront

[C]

his legacy or burn it to the ground.

[B]

Peaky Blinders the Immortal man is in select theaters March 6 and on Netflix March 20.

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[C]

I am very invested in your home in Westlake.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

I know that you are about to start a backyard renovation.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

You're gonna be redoing the pool, the hardscape, the landscape, everything. Now, you're gonna find that she will emasculate her husband on a regular basis here on this radio show. Simon.

[A]

It's my therapy. He doesn'. Listen.

[C]

You have hired an architect, a very expensive architect who charges you an hourly. And he comes out and he's going to be doing the measurements and all the blueprints, the plans, and he's gonna get you the permits. Now, what has been upsetting you?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, Andrew likes to be involved in the process. I don't know why, I mean, I have theories. But he, you know, bless him, is really comfortable just displaying his, his simplicity of brain. I'll put it that way. So we've hired.

[B]

Yeah, we're men. We. That's how we are.

[A]

It's like, I think that because his late father was very handy, built things, a man of the land from Montana, that he. Maybe this is like my, this is my diagnosis, that maybe it makes him feel like a touch of that by being involved in the process. But what he does, he's in the way. He's not only in the way. He is so fucking comfortable saying the dumbest shit that I've ever heard anybody say publicly in front of these professionals with such careless abandon and on the clock. So every question he fucking asks, costing you money, costs about $36. I've run the numbers on it. Every time, every time he comes out, I said, do not leave this fucking room until she leaves. It's $200 an hour on top of, you know, a hefty one time fee. Okay? So when she comes out she's doing the measurements. He says to me, he goes, how is she gonna do the blueprints if they haven't moved the retaining wall yet? I said, you dumb fuck, she's the one that, that makes the blueprints to move the retaining wall. Like, what are you talking about? She's an architect. She's the architect letter.

[C]

It's called an as built. And then there's a projected. So. Yes.

[A]

What are you talking about? And then so he comes out and he just can't help himself. And he's like, I just got a quick question. I'm like, get the F side. Because every question, like I said, averages 36 to $43.

[C]

Pool tile.

[A]

Oh my God, the pool tile. He goes, I just want to make sure that when you guys pick the pool tile, it's going to be. It's going to be water safe.

[C]

Waterproof.

[B]

No, no, waterproof.

[A]

I said, get the.

[C]

So he wasted $36 asking that question.

[A]

And then he asks, then he says, we also hired like a drainage engineer. Cuz we've got a lot of drainage issues. He says, he goes, hey, Stephanie, Stephanie. You see this retaining wall? That's being removed, by the way. Whole reason we hired her is to remove the fucking wall. He goes, there's a lot of water damage on this wall. And she goes, yeah, I know. And he goes, I just want to make sure that you know, when we move the wall that we're gonna get new French drains. Right? I said, andrew, do you think that we've spent all this money and hired all these people that they're gonna regurgitate the drains from 1942 and put them back in the fucking ground when we've hired a drainage engineer? You think that they're gonna put. They're gonna salvage. Yeah, we're getting new fucking like I can't even get into it. Cause I'll have a heart attack and die. It's been really stressful.

[C]

You're not married, right, Simon?

[B]

No, I'm not married.

[A]

Don't do it.

[C]

Are you dating or.

[B]

Yeah, I'm dating.

[C]

Okay. Anyone in particular or.

[B]

No. Okay, vague.

[A]

What are you looking for?

[B]

I'm not looking for anything.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

I just let things. Yeah, that's. Would you say that's the problem? No.

[D]

You had a big smile on your face.

[B]

Yeah. Because to be honest, I think there's a big societal pressure to get married and have kids. I'm happy. I'm okay. I'm okay by myself out there. I'm okay. If I don't I'm okay.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

You and the lizards.

[B]

Just me and the lizards. Oh, by the way, no, it's not just me and the lizards.

[C]

We're gonna. We're gonna collect those lizards and take them to Germany. Because you go to. You go to Europe twice a year.

[D]

Paris, Germany.

[A]

Paris, Germany.

[C]

I bet there's a lot more of those. When do those lizards come out?

[B]

I can't remember what time of year. And I don't. It's like, spring.

[C]

He's not telling us.

[B]

No, I don't.

[C]

He's hoarding it. Yep. He is hoarding him.

[A]

He's hoarding the lizards.

[B]

Horny toed lizards. No, I can't remember exactly when, but they're.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I remember my neighbors going, dude, you could sell those for, like, three grand. German people love them. And then I looked it up, and they shoot blood out of their eyes. I'm like, sounds like some German shit.

[C]

What do we feed them? Caviar?

[B]

No, I mean, you could clump them up.

[A]

Those omegas.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Vitamin D. Okay, so Andrew's been banned from the backyard.

[A]

Pretty much, yeah. Or I've been sending him Venmo requests for. Anytime he asks a question, I do the calculations.

[C]

That's really funny.

[A]

And then I make him pay me.

[C]

Now, Simon doesn't know this, but when you were in Europe on your last trip, which was just a few weeks ago. Correct.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You bought a lot of cozy, warm raccoon sweaters. And I imagine you really used them this week.

[B]

Cause it's been cold.

[A]

I did. I almost wore one today.

[C]

You should have.

[A]

But it's a little oversized. It doesn't do much for my body, so I'm. I'll save it. But it's gorgeous.

[C]

How many raccoon sweaters did you buy?

[A]

Six.

[C]

Are you an animal lover, Simon?

[B]

Not enough that I'm mad. She has a raccoon sweater.

[C]

6.

[A]

It's a. It's a cashmere raccoon blend.

[E]

Someone sent me a DM that they don't have to kill them, that they can, like, cut the fur.

[B]

Oh. They find an already dead one. She's wearing living squirrel, kind of like a sheep. They can shave it. The sheep live.

[E]

So I choose to believe whoever said that to me.

[D]

What is that?

[B]

Raccoon dying.

[C]

That's.

[D]

That's Jackie's sweater. Crying out for help.

[A]

They're expensive, I gotta tell you.

[C]

Did PETA contact you?

[A]

Yeah, they did.

[C]

Was it about the raccoon sweaters?

[E]

No.

[A]

They haven't even heard about.

[C]

Why did PETA Reach out to you.

[A]

I said something on my podcast about the Sabrina Carpenter performance at the Grammys, how she was holding a little white dove and got like, you know, that dove. What a dream. Okay, okay. Airtime on the Grammy stage for one and a half minutes in Sabrina Carpenter's gorgeous hand. And PETA came after her saying that it was animal abuse, blah, blah, blah. I said that was ridiculous and that whatever. That bird should be so lucky, you know?

[C]

So Peter went out.

[A]

They sent me a very lengthy, very defensive letter.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Talking about all the work that they do and whatever.

[D]

I mean, it's probably a trained. That bird probably has an agent and a team and a hair and makeup team and all of that.

[A]

Like I said, should be so lucky. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. PETA got one of my friends. He goes, PETA. I go, what did you say? He goes, PETA. I go, don't do the accent. Like it's Ibiza. Okay, it's PETA, right? Don't be that guy. PETA, don't do that.

[A]

That's not even correct.

[C]

Did you have a road rage incident this. This week?

[A]

Probably.

[C]

Did I. Kian told me you did.

[B]

Be careful. People are crazy.

[C]

Yeah. Don't.

[E]

This bitch is crazy.

[A]

I am crazy. You fight crazy with crazy, and it just, like, eliminates it. Who did I get? You're like, oh, are you going to the garden center or something?

[B]

You roll down the window and you're yelling at him.

[A]

I literally.

[C]

I think it happens a lot.

[A]

No, it does happen a lot.

[C]

The light turned green and you didn't

[A]

go, oh, my God, That's. Thank you for trauma.

[B]

She blocked out.

[A]

Literally, I block everything out. It's so crazy. I was making. Taking a right. Okay. But it was a protected right. Like an arrow. Whatever. It turns green. I am a woman, like, hovering on the pedal. Like, I'm quick. You know what I mean? It was 0.03 seconds. I go, this guy's honking at me. Like, the second it turns green, I look. I thought low key. Thought he was a fan or a friend. I was like, yes, it's me. So of course we both return. I'm. I'm, like, freaking out. We hit a red light. We're right next to each other. I pull over, so I'm right next to him, and he's, like, kind of talking to me, like, through the glass, whatever. He's, like, saying something. He's waving his hands, and I'm like, I can't hear you. I can't hear you. And this is in Westlake. Like, I'm not gonna get shot. Okay. So we roll our windows down. I roll my window down. I'm like, I can't hear you. And he's like, green means go. I was like, oh, my God, it does. Thank you so much. I had no idea.

[D]

I don't see color.

[A]

I said, first of all. Yes, exactly. I said, first of all. It was 0.03 seconds. Okay? And I went. It was a protected red. Okay. Now we're both at the red light. I'm like, by the way, where are you going? Like, why are you in such a rush? She's like, going to the market. And I'm like, oh, my God, you better get there fast. They're gonna run out of food. And then, of course, it turns green. And I'm like, it's green.

[B]

Go.

[D]

Green means go.

[A]

We hit another red light. I rolled down my window.

[D]

No, Jackie.

[A]

I said, what are you. They're d. Myself. I'm like, what are you getting at the market? He's like, enough. I said, no, we're just getting started.

[C]

I love that he's participating in this.

[A]

Totally. And I'm like, what do you need to get. Where do you need to go? Like, is it urgent? Are you making something? You got a girlfriend? Then it turns green again. I'm like, it's green. It's whatever. Anyways, how are you, Simon?

[B]

No, I relate to that. I don't like when my friends who are in the car, when the light turns green. Three seconds. Come on. It's great. I'm like, give me half a second and I'll go. Everyone needs to relax.

[A]

We're tootling through suburbs. Okay? And I'm a green means go kind of gal. Like, I'm not laissez faire with my driving. I'm pedal.

[B]

What does laissez faire mean exactly? What's the translation?

[A]

A casual.

[B]

But what is the exact translation?

[A]

Not a clue.

[D]

Lazy at to do. You know, laissez faire. Faire means to do. So it's being lazy at the doing

[C]

question. Scary Movie 6 is coming out, right?

[B]

Yeah, they're shooting it right now.

[C]

Are you not a part of it?

[B]

No, I'm not a part of it.

[C]

Did you die?

[B]

That's a. Well, I died in all of them because it's a silly comedy where it doesn't make sense. Right. So I think I died in all of them, but that's not why I'm not doing it. The Wayans brothers did Scary Movie one and two. It was their Idea. Then they had a beef with the Weinstein's Bob and Harvey. Oh, they didn't get along. So the Weinstein said, we're going to take Scary Movie now that we own it and we're going to go hire David Zucker. He did Airplane, Naked Guy, Gun,

[C]

you

[B]

know, all those spoof movies from the 80s. And he's going to do these now and then. That's the ones that I did. So they associate me with the David Zucker camp and I don't think they like me because I did their baby. Right. I took the. I was the lead in their baby.

[C]

So now they're six.

[B]

Yes, I think. Yeah, they're doing six right now, I think. And Anna Faris is in it, thank God, because she's so funny and she was the best part of all, all of them. If you're an Anna fair. No, it's okay, it's okay. I'm working on other stuff. It's fine. I did.

[C]

No, I know.

[B]

Three is enough.

[C]

But if you watch the Scary Movie franchise, it's like Scream. Like we're friends with Jamie Kennedy. He comes on the show. I want Jamie Kennedy back on screen.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, he should be on like,

[C]

what are you waiting for? Yeah, they're bringing everyone else back.

[A]

Yeah, bring him back.

[B]

Yeah, bring him back.

[C]

All right. Okay. Sorry.

[B]

I'm a, I'm a. I'm a. I'm a big Jamie Kennedy fan. He's the not only so talented, but such a good dude.

[C]

All right. Okay. Kate in Minneapolis, line two, Simon Rex. Hey, Kate.

[F]

Oh, hey. There you go. Hi, guys. Oh, my God. Hey, Shane. Shout out, Shane. Simon Rex was a part of my awakening as a young teenage girl. You made me realize, Simon, that I liked boys. I had you all over my wall, ripped out of YM magazine. You are legendary. I don't know if you guys understand the legendary that Simon Rex we don't really is.

[B]

I don't think they care. Don't at all. I don't think they care or appreciate how much of a legendary now.

[C]

So you were confused.

[F]

You were all over the Hollywood scene back in the day. You have no idea what you did for this Midwest girl. And one more thing, Jackie Schimmel. You, my friend, are the best bitch of alive. And a quick time joke. Did you know that Helen Keller had a horse?

[C]

Oh, here we go.

[A]

Oh, I did not.

[F]

Neither. Neither did. Because neither did she.

[A]

Oh, I love you so much, Kate. God bless you.

[E]

Kate hung up.

[C]

So Kate.

[B]

Wait, she just hung up after all that?

[C]

Yeah, she did.

[B]

Well, thanks, Kate. That was very nice.

[C]

So she did know she liked men until you.

[B]

So I wonder if she meant that she thought she was a lesbian.

[C]

That's what I'm wondering.

[B]

Or she was in. She didn't know she liked anyone. Because I remember when I was a kid, kid, and I went and saw King Kong, and there was an actress in it whose name escapes me. I can't remember right now. And I remember thinking, Jessica Lang. Jessica Lang. And I was seven. And I remember watching people going, I like girls. I like girls. And so I know her moment.

[D]

I liked King Kong.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Okay, Kelly in Canada, line four,

[B]

Helen Keller.

[A]

Kelly, she's back.

[F]

Hi, there. Okay, so I have to use an alias because I'm going to trash my husband, but Jackie Schimmel, I have never felt more seen. Okay? And you just wait, because my husband goes to parent teacher interviews, okay. Has no clue, doesn't know what grade our child is in, doesn't know what teacher we're talking to, doesn't know what course. He sits there. And you only have, like, five minutes. It's really quick. They want to get through a lot of people. And I have to sit there while he starts to tell the teacher he has no idea. Well, you know, I do homework with him every night. I don't understand what's going on. I don't understand what Kelly is doing. And you're like, can you stay in your lane, please? You have no idea what you're talking about. Stay home. But, oh, he's gotta look like the perfect parent. She's gotta look like, oh, I'm so involved. Like, you're not involved. Get lost.

[C]

Uh. Oh. You've triggered some people.

[A]

I'm so sorry.

[B]

Yeah, I hear the anger. I hear the anger.

[C]

There's a lot of them that call very angry, but sounds like Kelly's justified.

[F]

I just love. I'm not alone.

[C]

I would be pissed, too, Kelly.

[E]

You're right.

[F]

I'm not alone. Jackie, thank you.

[A]

A real voice for the voiceless over here. Love you, Kelly.

[C]

I have to say, like, so my ex. When there were. We don't we now do not have. We have separate parent teacher conferences. But when I was on. He likes to hear his own voice. And he would just talk and talk and talk. And I'm like. And you're right. They only have 15 minutes.

[A]

Oh, my God. Andrew was talking to the pool man the other day. They were just talking, talking, talking, talking.

[C]

Did you just wonder, what are you talking about?

[A]

I just shut the door. I said, I don't need to participate in this.

[C]

This.

[A]

Just small talk. Just talking about the weather, talking about the holidays, talking about the family, the rain. What the fuck are you guys doing

[C]

anyway? Simon Rex, I want to promote your movie one more time. Operation Taco Gary's. Yes, it hits theaters February 27th. And then we can get it on Apple after that, right?

[B]

Yeah, it'll be streaming after that. And I believe it's going to be on Amazon and Apple. Operation Taco Gary's in limited theaters. If you go to the social media, you could find it on Mine at Simonrex 415. I'll be promoting it. And yeah, go enjoy a funny comedy. We all need to laugh more. There's not. We're living in these weird dark times. Can we just laugh?

[C]

How many times am I gonna laugh?

[B]

I laughed out loud in reading the script. Every page. So that's about a laugh a minute.

[A]

Ooh.

[C]

Okay then I'm in. Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis Ladd every weekday on Sirius XM as the as well as the Jeff Lewis Channel exclusively on the SiriusXM app.

[D]

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[F]

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