Tom Arnold & Jennifer Fessler: Termination & Sex Rooms

Summary

Podcast Summary: Jeff Lewis Has Issues

Episode: Tom Arnold & Jennifer Fessler: Termination & Sex Rooms
Date: October 22, 2025
Host: Jeff Lewis (SiriusXM)
Guests: Tom Arnold, Jennifer Fessler

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Overview

In this candid and unfiltered episode, Jeff Lewis brings together comedian Tom Arnold and The Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Jennifer Fessler for a raucous, irreverent conversation covering everything from professional setbacks (and firings), to sex room design for the ultra-wealthy, relationship mishaps, and the realities of working in showbiz and reality TV. The tone is quick, self-deprecating, and punctuated with digs, laughter, and real talk about marriage, divorce, aging, friendship, and wild career pivots.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Jennifer Fessler’s Recent Termination

(04:12–15:34)

• Jennifer’s Job Loss: Jennifer describes being fired as the American Dream Mall ambassador, largely due to her lack of basic knowledge about the place—something the show had lampooned multiple times.

  • “She doesn’t know shit about it… we try to promote it for her. She doesn’t have any of the information. She phones it in.” – Jeff (04:25)
  • Jennifer admits she “didn’t do much,” which Tom finds perfectly reasonable: “You put your name and your face out there. That’s enough.” (05:57)
  • The group riffs on possible future “mall ambassador” gigs for Jennifer—smaller strip malls, massage parlors, anywhere with less pressure.

• Blame Game: Jeff and Jennifer go back and forth, with Jennifer blaming Jeff’s on-air teasing for getting her fired. Jeff calls it “their loss.”

• Owning Your Story: Jennifer emphasizes the value of preemptively sharing your own “dirty laundry” to take away power from detractors.

  • “I was fucking smart and I was like, I’m gonna tell you every dirty detail before you tell me…My husband and I were separated for a year and a half. We had affairs. Sorry.” – Jennifer (15:46)

2. Tom Arnold’s Marriages, Divorce War Stories & Dating Life

(02:30–03:14, 16:00–18:22)

• Four Divorces & Counting: Tom jokes about the cost—“It cost me a million dollars a kid,” and shares he's been in court for eight years with his fourth ex-wife.
  • “If you have four ex-wives, you go, oh my God, it’s me. And it is me.” – Tom (03:04)
• Dating & Reflection: Tom laments not dating for eight years, but still enjoys the bachelor life and tells stories of odd “dates,” including an awkward tea with “Dr. Donna.”
• On Divorce: Tom and Jeff discuss how divorce reveals entirely new (often negative) sides of your partner, “You see a whole nother side of someone in divorce, and you don’t even recognize them.” – Jeff (16:16)

3. The Real Housewives, Reality Fame, and Being a Friend-Of

(16:30–18:14, 18:28–19:03)

• Housewives Experience: Jennifer recounts her stint as a “friend” on RHONJ, saying she wasn't fired but is unsure if she’ll return, and that not all cast members liked her.
• BravoCon & Reality Gossip: Panel discusses Jennifer’s upcoming attendance at BravoCon, how these conventions work, and the high drama inherent to the Real Housewives franchise.

4. Sex Rooms: Rich People, Wild Requests, and Design Details

(45:38–49:24)

• Sex Room Specialist: Jeff reports on a fan dinner with an interior designer who specializes in “sex rooms” for wealthy couples. Tom and Jennifer are fascinated.
• Crazy Installations: Everything from St. Andrew’s Crosses, spanking benches, Czech glory holes, swings, special mirrors, ventilated floors for easy clean-up, and first aid kits are discussed.
  • “The flooring, she said, is because clean up the jizz.” – Jeff (47:22)
• Client Secrecy: Wealthy (and often well-known) couples have contractors and designers sign NDAs so no details leak.
• Panel’s Take: Tom jokes about bringing in “homeless guys” for variety and riffs on how men, unlike women, can't resist bragging about these rooms to their friends.

5. Sex, Aging, and Body Talk

(12:35–14:26, 21:05–21:48)

• Getting Older: There’s open talk about aging, height insecurity (lifts in shoes), “gout dick,” and cosmetic tweaks (“You took care of your face… your hands, you might not want to show them…” – Tom, 21:01)

  • Jennifer jokes about celebrity beauty treatments.

• Bathroom Habits: Tom and Jeff swap stories about bladder infections, constant urination, and the need to pee after sex to avoid UTIs, veering into hilariously TMI territory.

6. Social Media, Porn, and Tom’s Twitter Preferences

(34:44–36:32)

• Tom’s Porn Habits: Tom shares, unabashedly, that Twitter is his favorite place for lesbian porn—specifically a certain curated account.
  • “There’s a thing on Twitter … all women just going down on each…they’re so gentle. And there’s no penises, yeah.” – Tom (35:08)
  • The group teases Tom for relying on Twitter and not knowing every porn site is now free.

7. Careers, Comedy, and Life Pivoting

(37:39–44:55)

• Tom on the Road: Tom and opener Max discuss touring—hitting 50 cities, running DIY standup comedy gigs, and sharing horror stories (Max’s infamous “vampire dick” closing bit bombing with his grandma in the audience).

  • “You gotta know when to leave, Max… you don’t need that closer.” – Tom (42:47)

• Career Flukes: Tom recalls being the lucrative voice of the Arby’s “Oven Mitt,” wishing more weird gigs like that existed.

• Riffing on Job Loss: Jennifer and Tom playfully commiserate about getting fired and the unpredictability of creative careers.

8. Memorable Quotes & Comic Moments

• On Ambassadorship Skills:
  • Jennifer: “I didn't do much, Tom. That was part of the problem.” (05:55)
  • Tom: “Well, you shouldn’t have to do much… That’s your brand, not knowing what the fuck you’re talking about.” (05:57–06:04)
• On Firing Etiquette:
  • Jennifer: “They said, we love you, it’s not you, it’s us. We’re going in a different direction.” (19:55)
• On Relationships:
  • Tom: “People should get divorced before they get married. ‘Cause you don’t know who you’re married to until you get a divorce.” (16:10)
• On Aging:
  • Tom: “Your face is very young. Your hands, you might not want to show them on the face…” (21:01)
• On Sex Room Design:
  • Jeff: “The flooring… because clean up the jizz.” (47:22)
  • Tom: “Give me the penis. We’re doing it and we did it.” (37:46, on a movie role)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Topic | |--------|-------------------------------------------------------------------| | 04:12 | Jennifer’s firing from American Dream Mall | | 12:35 | Age, bladder infections, and TMI marriage/body talk | | 15:46 | Jennifer’s approach: own your failings upfront | | 16:00 | Tom and Jeff on divorce and seeing partners’ dark sides | | 18:28 | Housewives talk, BravoCon, and reality TV culture | | 34:44 | Tom’s Twitter porn habits and group reaction | | 37:39 | “Dragpyres,” stand-up, and wild career side-gigs | | 45:38 | Designing sex rooms for the rich & all the kinky details | | 47:22 | Discussion of explicit sex room cleaning details | | 49:07 | Sex rooms, NDAs, and privacy; recording/streaming possibilities | | 50:26 | Episode wrap-up and comedic final notes |

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Conclusion

This episode is an energetic whirlwind of self-deprecating comedy, industry insider tales, and candid admissions about failure, sex, and midlife changes. Whether discussing Jennifer’s “legendary” incompetence as a mall ambassador, Tom’s parade of ex-wives, or the logistics of custom sex rooms for rich New York couples, the show never takes itself too seriously. It’s a must-listen for fans of caustic humor, oversharing, and the untamed edge of reality-celebrity culture.

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For more hilarious chaos:
Catch Jeff Lewis Has Issues weekdays on SiriusXM, or find Tom Arnold’s standup tour dates at tomarnoldcomedy.com.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

When you're Jeff Lewis, the drama never stops.

[B]

Doug said it was dumb, but maybe I'm dumb because I enjoy it.

[D]

Maybe I'm just talking about the news.

[B]

We don't talk about the news here.

[A]

No, just sex.

[B]

There's gotta be that one actor or actress that nobody likes. Cause we have that here.

[C]

Oh my God. Who is it?

[E]

Me.

[C]

Jeff Lewis has issues.

[B]

Hey, welcome to Jeff Lewis has Issues. In today's episode, Tom Arnold and Jennifer Fessler joined the show from New York City. We talk about Jen's recent termination, Tom's Twitter search history, and designing sex rooms. Tom, yes.

[F]

To you.

[B]

Good to see you.

[F]

Great to see you, buddy. Great to see. It's so weird to see you here.

[B]

I know. So we. We saw Tom. Hi, Jennifer.

[C]

Hi, Jennifer.

[B]

We saw.

[F]

I saw Jennifer.

[C]

I'm like an after. Nice.

[F]

You're looking good.

[C]

Oh, God.

[F]

I walked behind her all the way up here.

[B]

We knew.

[F]

You know, I put in. I was looking at her phone in her back pocket.

[C]

Oh my God. Be still, my heart.

[F]

You are so trim.

[C]

You are an icon.

[F]

Oh my God.

[C]

Jeff, did you hear what wa. Where's my husband? Oh, you hear that?

[F]

Oh my God. Look at your husband.

[C]

He's more excited than I am.

[F]

Guy. Boy, he better be rich. Look at him. Cuz they say, you know rich guys, doesn't matter what they look like. You know, you look great.

[C]

Oh, my God. That is not nice. I mean, it's true, but it's not nice.

[F]

I used to be rich. I know, but.

[C]

Really?

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Not anymore.

[F]

No, no. I've been.

[C]

Let's get into that.

[F]

Yeah. Explain it. Okay. I've been in court for eight years with my fourth ex wife.

[C]

Damn. Well done.

[F]

Yeah. My kids like, daddy, why don't you have a Lambo? And I'm like, I could have a Lambo, but eight years ago, I got you guys. It's very expensive. It's worth it, though, I have to say. It's worth it.

[B]

It's worth a lot of attorneys fees.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Which. Which part is worth it?

[F]

Well, it cost me a million dollars a kid, so. But that's a good value. I want to go. I haven't had a date in eight years.

[C]

I can fix you up.

[F]

If you have three ex wives, you can still kind of go, women. Right, buddy? Women. But if you have four ex wives, you go, oh, my God, it's me and it is me. So I'm pacing, but, Tom, you went.

[B]

Out with Dr. Donna.

[F]

I did meet Dr. Donna for a tea downstairs.

[B]

That was considered a date.

[F]

It really was. She was dressed up so nice in a flowery dress, and she's a. She's a top, top notch.

[C]

Both of my parents have been married four times.

[F]

Yeah?

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Are they married now?

[C]

I know. Well, not to each other.

[F]

You know, people were up from get married, divorce, and they're like. They get remarried?

[C]

Yeah, no, mine did. That's how it went down for me. Yeah. I didn't get married.

[F]

You got married?

[C]

No, I'm still married.

[F]

I like that guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

He looks like he's in the mafia or some shit, man. Look at him. Like he would kill somebody.

[C]

He's cracking up.

[F]

He's given a stink eye to me over here. How long have you guys been married?

[C]

How many? 26 years.

[F]

My God, that. You probably still have your pension, don't you, buddy? Married to the same woman. You get your own. You get your residuals.

[C]

Please. He lives off me. He lives off me.

[B]

They separate. Oh, okay, honey.

[C]

He does. You know how much money I make doing what I do? Like the. Wait. You know how much money I make at the American Dream?

[E]

What do you do?

[C]

Well, I would say that I work for the American Dream, except I got fired.

[B]

No. I knew it and you know it.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

I am surprised they kept you as long as they did.

[C]

Really? Really.

[B]

So here she is. She's, you know, this ambassador for this huge Mall, Is it New Jersey? Yeah, Jeff, but she doesn't know shit about it. She comes on, you know, we try to promote it for her. She doesn't know. She doesn't have any of the information.

[C]

Right, it's true.

[B]

She phones it in.

[F]

She got fired.

[C]

Right? That's what they said. They said when you were on Jeff Lewis and he started asking you all those questions and you didn't know shit. We thought we should find another ambassador. But just for fun.

[F]

Who's the ambassador now?

[C]

They don't speak to me anymore. But I'm just curious. So where is Sirius FM headquarters?

[E]

SiriusXM.

[C]

How many locations are there?

[B]

Okay, listen.

[C]

No, I'm just curious.

[B]

You're obviously very angry.

[C]

Where's Jameson?

[B]

Buzz, we have Miami.

[C]

Wait, when was Sirius founded?

[B]

Don't know.

[C]

Really? Uh huh. Uh huh.

[F]

I know they merged at one point.

[C]

Thank you.

[F]

Jennifer.

[B]

Yes, Jeff, I understand you're upset because you lost your job. But here's the thing. I understand why you're angry with me and you want to blame me. It is actually their loss because they're going to go hire another ambassador who's going to know their shit back and forth. But they're not going to get the pressure they're going to get. And they don't understand. You know, we've done entire episodes around the American Dream.

[C]

Mom, I know.

[B]

We have games that. I know about the American Dream.

[C]

Mom. I know.

[B]

It doesn't matter. We brought awareness to the American dream.

[C]

Mom, I'm glad that you're feeling so good about this, but the truth is I got fired and it's your fucking fault.

[F]

I gotta ask a question. What did that entail? Did you greet people as they were coming in?

[C]

I didn't do much, Tom. That was part of the problem.

[F]

Well, you shouldn't have to do much.

[C]

Yeah, no, I didn't.

[F]

You put your name and your face out there. That's enough. And that's your Brad not knowing what the fuck you're talking about.

[C]

Thank you.

[F]

How did they expect you to know shit?

[C]

They didn't really expect me to. But then Jeff set me like set me up and they're like, wow, she really doesn't know shit.

[B]

Really did not.

[C]

We are wasting our money.

[F]

That's great though.

[B]

But time and time again she'd come in here and not know. But you know what? It became really funny.

[F]

Yeah, that's the point.

[B]

And again we brought awareness to American Tree Mall in. In a different way.

[C]

Right.

[F]

Where is this mall?

[E]

Who knows?

[C]

I don't know. That's the problem.

[D]

Who cares?

[C]

Them.

[E]

No.

[F]

Is it a real one?

[C]

New Jersey.

[E]

We're over them. We will never go there again. Oh yeah, this is. We're. We are going to Queen center, mom. That's it.

[C]

I appreciate that. Loyalty, Shane.

[B]

You know what? You should. You're right. You should be an ambassador for another mall.

[F]

Like a mini mall, Like a strip mall.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[F]

Where it's not so much pressure. It's not press. You actually have a picture and go. These are what we got here. We got a check. You cash your check, you can do this.

[D]

Domino's Pizza bail bondsman.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's got to be at your massage partner.

[F]

That's something you could really work in actually. I bet they'd pay extra if you're like for six hours. I'll be massaging everybody that comes to the door. That's a worth it. That's a personal appearance, man.

[C]

Look at Jeff is getting so excited.

[F]

He'll get it.

[C]

He doesn't give a shit what I do as long as I'm charging.

[B]

But can I ask you one, one of these, you know, 12 podcasts that you're doing, those got to make money, right? At least one of them.

[C]

Well, there are two, so let's start there.

[B]

I thought there was three.

[C]

There was three, but one I got fired from.

[D]

Oh my God.

[B]

Max, what do you. Oh, there goes the camera. Max, what are you thinking about all this?

[D]

This is insane.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

You know, Tom has brought me into this world where I, you know, thought I was just gonna be doing comedy, but there's a lot more going on.

[F]

Yeah. But I'll tell you what, by the way, the list of the chumps that came last night, I wrote a list down. There's so many that came and I said give a shout out, but I can't read.

[D]

I wrote it neither.

[F]

Okay. Chrissy. Oh, Chrissy. Melissa, Natalie, Lisa and Nicole. These guys are. They're all beautiful. I'm just tell you they're middle aged. They're probably your age. They're all beautiful and they're funny and they're so loyal and I'm eating as compliments.

[C]

Wait, how old do you think I am?

[F]

I'm gonna guess 40.

[C]

I fucking always love Tom Hart.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

And again with your husband.

[C]

Right? I married. You know what he's gonna do, right? But no, I'm 57.

[F]

Yeah, you're looking really. You have great DNA.

[C]

I really appreciate that.

[F]

Jesus, you took care of your face, let me tell you.

[C]

Dr. No, Dr. Sam Ris.

[F]

I know, but my face I never had. The student was unavailed when I grew up, but I grew up on a farm. So Max, little Max there, you know, he. They're like, who's the twink? I want to meet the twink. You talk about Max on the show. Or they'll say to him, but we.

[B]

Never called you a twink. No, he calls you a twin.

[D]

Yeah, you call me a twink.

[F]

I know. I said you're. You talk a lot about not be gay. That's what I mean, like a lot.

[B]

He's actually what is more of a twunk.

[F]

Is that true?

[B]

Yeah, because he's kind of. He's kind of built.

[F]

Yeah, he's definitely built a very strong and athletic.

[B]

So we would call him a twunk.

[F]

Oh, that's interesting.

[D]

Yeah, I'm taking that on the road.

[C]

He's gorgeous, by the way. Thank you. Nice hair.

[F]

He's a nice little like a Shetland. A smaller version of. Yeah, but he did. He really has been helpful.

[B]

I used to have a pony as a kid.

[F]

Yes.

[B]

Max reminds me. Yes. Yeah. But her name was Cindy.

[F]

Oh, is that true?

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Oh, my God. You could do that? Dlc.

[B]

Yeah, you can do that.

[F]

Yeah. That's very cool. Well, Max, you should be honored to be here. For real, for real, for real.

[D]

I am. I've asked to be on the show because it seems like a lot of fun.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I mean, you're this, you know, this, this road duo now. And I want to, I want to see more what you do.

[F]

Yeah, that's part of this. Okay, you're not funny. You got to quit talking. Okay. But he could be like a spokesman at a mall, I'll tell you that, man. This guy's a go getter. He'd get there early, do jumping jacks and stuff. He's very physically fit. He's shocked.

[B]

Oh, he would make a great ambassador for the American Dream Mall.

[F]

Right? He can put a little cape on, a little tight.

[B]

With that face.

[F]

Yeah, with that face. He's got a great. His hair. You should see the videos. But my son, my 12 year old son found his videos from YouTube where he's dancing through the park and to music and it's. It's unbelievable.

[B]

Dan. What?

[F]

Like dancing a long hole. He's dancing.

[B]

Everybody's filming it and he says he's not gay.

[F]

Yeah, no, it looks even gayer than gay. But, you know, and again, it's a good video. He talks about not being gay. First of all, he always has friends there, like, hey, my. My football coach series Said that once. And I'm like, you. You played football. I mean, Jesus, look at him. But then he's like, my ex girlfriend, the one who got away, is here. And I'm like, come on, you had a girlfriend? But then I go talk. He also dates. I don't do the. I don't date. He's on that Raya. And a womankeep goes, I had a woman from Raya come to the show tonight. She was like 6 5. And she was nice of him. She really wanted to talk to me.

[B]

She has a fetish.

[F]

Yeah. But he got home and I go, how'd I go? She wouldn't kiss me. You know, I think it's like, did.

[C]

You say that somebody that liked him has a fetish?

[F]

If she's fine. You do have that. That is a. It's a freak thing. Yeah. You like?

[C]

He's not a freak.

[F]

No, he kind of is. He's a little person. He's. He's a little person. You can pick him up and carry him around.

[B]

Oh, it's interesting. So how tall was this girl, Max?

[D]

She was five foot six.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

And I'm five foot four. And she met me at one of the shows we did in Pennsylvania. But she just wanted to hang with Tom.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Like that was it.

[F]

She really did. But I was saying I was figuring her out, you know, for Max. And they did. She did have to leave with Max. She had to leave with me.

[B]

Did you ever look into lifts for your shoes? Because I got these tennis shoes and they. They add about an inch and a half to me.

[C]

Maybe it feels good about.

[D]

Can I tell? When I was in my early 20s, I used to wear lifts in my shoes. They give me like 2, 3 inches. I would wear like, Timberland boots.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I don't belong in Timberland boots. Those are not for people.

[B]

No, those are very straight.

[F]

Yeah. What is your tennis shoe that gives you the lift. Did you put a lift in it?

[B]

No, this one has built in lift. It gives me another inch and a half.

[F]

I like that.

[D]

You don't need another inch and a half.

[F]

Yeah. Jesus, Max, please, Please. If he needed another inch and a half, it'd be me. I just. I don't want to brag.

[B]

But you're five four.

[D]

I'm five four. Officially five foot four.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[F]

I mean, I'm getting shorter. Are you getting. No. When you're my age, you'll start getting shorter.

[B]

I already. I'm already getting.

[F]

Pisses you off.

[B]

Well, you know what they were talking about the last hour Is gout dick. You know what that is?

[F]

No.

[B]

It's an old guy's dick.

[F]

What happens to it?

[B]

I guess it looks different.

[F]

Yeah, it looks different.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No comment.

[F]

Yeah, I was in. I was in here last I was in here, I found out why I was having to pee all the time.

[B]

Yep.

[F]

Right. And it was because I had an infection. I was so relieved of bladder infection. Do you get a lot of those? I bet.

[C]

I mean, listen. I mean, I feel like we've gone back a long time. You could ask me these questions. Do I get a lot of bladder infections?

[B]

Jeff, do you go to the bathroom a lot? See, I don't have an infection, and I go to the bathroom a lot, Tom.

[F]

Yeah, that's interesting. Also, it's psychological. You're like, I should go. I think I can go. I'm go. Just in case. As I said, it's like the reverse of topping off the gas in your car before you go on a trip. It's the other way. I got to get some of it out. I don't want to get too full. So it doesn't. It's not an emergency.

[C]

Well, I try to pee after sex. That's supposed to be key to not getting them.

[B]

Well, that's UTIs.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

We're talking about UTIs. Yeah.

[F]

Do you. Hold on. Do you pee on him?

[C]

He likes that.

[F]

Yeah. I wouldn't mind in a shower.

[B]

For sure.

[D]

I'm in a good mood.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah. It's good that he's right there. You have your good marriage. I'll tell you what. You're a good marriage. You're not the same.

[C]

No, we are not the same.

[F]

No, you're not the same. Maybe one of you is bloody. Am I right? In the best possible way, yes. What if there were two. Holy shit.

[C]

Too much. It would be like me and you.

[F]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Can you imagine?

[F]

Although we could try it.

[C]

You could be dead in about 10 seconds.

[F]

You could pee. Hubby. Okay, just so you're talking. We would be. But we have. We could be buddies.

[C]

We'd still have a good time.

[F]

We could be buddies. You bet.

[B]

But two Jennifer Fesslers, I think you'd have two unemployed people. Right.

[E]

Twice the expensive.

[C]

Wait, Jeff. No, I still have my other job. Oh, wait, I don't. I was fired from that. The Housewives of New Jersey.

[B]

But do you have Dirty Rush still?

[C]

I do.

[B]

Okay, so is it. Which. Which podcast are you no longer on?

[C]

Two Jersey Js.

[B]

Okay, but you still have. I do part two.

[C]

I do.

[B]

Got it. Okay, so you have two podcasts.

[C]

I do. You're not. No, no. Don't try to make me feel better. Okay. You fucked it up. Okay, wait.

[D]

Why is he responsible for fucking it up? Yeah.

[C]

Oh, you know. Cause every time I've been on Jeff Lewis, the past, I don't know, four or five times, he has made a point of letting the world know that I know nothing about the American Dream Mall where I was working.

[E]

But you think after the first time you would come in with the facts and the figures.

[F]

Yeah, I know.

[C]

Okay. That was really. Shane, let me ask you this, Kind of the bet. Oh, really?

[B]

Can I ask, Jennifer, how long were you an ambassador for American dreams?

[C]

I don't want to talk about it anymore. So depressing. Not long enough. Almost a year.

[F]

Did you wear a uniform? Did you have a jacket with a. Whatever that.

[B]

Yes. Her name tag.

[C]

With a name tag.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

No, it was actually the greatest job ever. I went in there about once a month. I floated around, I did a little content, I did my little shtick, and I left. And I got paid a lot of money.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I hope you invested that.

[C]

Yeah, I hope so, too.

[F]

You know what? You're so funny. You're funny because your hook is, I got fired. It takes away all the stuff that people would say about you that. I said, lady, that got fired. You're like, I'm going to own that. I did that.

[C]

Wait, let me tell you something. I did that on the Housewives of New Jersey. I went in there and I was fucking smart and I was like, I'm gonna tell you every dirty detail before you tell me. Yeah, I'm like. My husband and I were separated for a year and a half. We had affairs. Sorry.

[F]

No, you know what? That's why you're together. Cause you know what he's like when you're not together and people should get divorced before they get married. Cause you don't know who you're married until you get a divorce. You might. She might be a fricking monster that wants to kill you. And you're like, okay, I'm glad I did marry you.

[B]

I know what you're saying.

[F]

Yes.

[B]

You see a whole nother side of someone in a divorce, and you're like. You don't even recognize them. And you're right. If you had that, you know, some sort of idea that that person was that way, save you a lot of time and effort and a couple million dollars, in your case, yes.

[F]

And a lot of energy and stress. But let me tell you something about you okay, so I'm in love with you. You were on the New Jersey.

[C]

I'm leaving him for you.

[F]

Well, okay. Well, that'd be good. That's good. But, you know, he could come. It could be us if you want. He watched my kids while I'm doing interviews. But you, you're on the New Jersey Housewives, right?

[C]

Not anymore. I mean, I wasn't fired, but we're on hiatus. I don't know what's gonna happen.

[F]

Oh, okay. Well. And you did you. They did like you, right?

[C]

Not all of them.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah, but some of them hated.

[C]

Some of them hated me. Correct.

[F]

But that seems what works on the shows. You know, I did a Teresa. Good. Goody. What's her name? Yeah, and she can't read, by the way. She tried to read the card to introduce me. She had to keep reading, and I get that. Who wants to read? She's very nice, so very beautiful, very classy. But she was telling me there's some people come on that show, they just aren't right.

[E]

She was talking about Jen Fest.

[F]

I bet she might have. Very well. Yeah. If I'd have known I was reading, I'd say that. Yeah, but I'm sure you'd be good. But you probably hate to do it because it's a pain in the ass. You gotta go in there. Sometimes we sabotage our jobs. Sometimes we're like, this is not for me.

[C]

I mean, I haven't gotten fired from that one yet.

[E]

Yeah, but don't blame us. You walked out of the finale.

[C]

Okay, I wasn't fired yet. Look, do you know something I don't know?

[E]

No, I don't. But I wouldn't blame us if that happens.

[F]

Is that finale where you guys get on bleachers and Andy Cohen talks to you?

[C]

Wait, what?

[F]

Don't they line you up on bleachers at the last show and you're all on bleachers?

[C]

He's talking about the reunion.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

Are you going to BravoCon?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, that's a good sign.

[F]

What is that? Where is that? You lost, baby?

[B]

What's a good sign? So then maybe they'll bring you back as a friend.

[C]

Why wouldn't you say, maybe they'll bring you back as a housewife?

[E]

We need to set our expectations low.

[B]

Yeah, maybe you'll have one appearance. What is Bravo scene?

[F]

Yeah, that's right.

[C]

Listen, Adam, I like being a friend. I have to say. It's good. You kind of float in, you float out.

[B]

It's like 200 plus Bravo liberties, all.

[F]

Oh, my God, that's gonna be huge.

[B]

Yeah. In Vegas, so they do this big convention. It's huge. And it's. It's thousands and thousands of people. Tens of thousands of people attend. It's crazy.

[F]

Are you going?

[B]

Yeah. So there's panels and there's.

[D]

I never told TOM this, but 15 years ago, when I first got out of college, I was on a Bravo show.

[F]

Oh, yes, you were on that. What's her name?

[B]

You were Bethany's assistant.

[F]

She the lady that broke out.

[D]

I was Bethany's assistant, yeah.

[F]

And what was that like? Do you have sex with her?

[D]

I do not have sex with her.

[F]

Did she actually harass you at all?

[D]

Yes. Yeah, but, you know, it was. It was an interesting.

[B]

She has a fetish.

[F]

No, this is. She like. Oh, my God. The other ladies from the podcast were making fun of her. She thinks she's a fashion model now. Look at the cheats she's wearing there. She'll go through the whole thing. Women are vicious. Let me tell you something. Yeah, I know you guys are vicious, and it's funny.

[C]

Yeah. It's like.

[F]

But I think you might have sabotaged yourself like Roseanne did on her second version of her show. She was.

[C]

I said something racist.

[F]

Well, here. What? That. That'll get you off.

[B]

Maybe that's.

[C]

I'm not. I don't remember saying anything, but maybe.

[B]

Maybe that's why you got fired from American Dream.

[C]

Yeah, that was.

[B]

Maybe it has nothing to do with me.

[C]

Homophobe. That's what happened.

[B]

Will you be putting American Dream on your job resume? Because I don't think you're going to get a good reference from them.

[C]

That's really sweet. I'll be Checks. Reference.

[F]

I'll give you a good reference.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

Yeah. Tom Arnold references.

[F]

She's got it. She brings their A game on this show. They said she's full of stuff.

[C]

Thank you. They said to me when they fired me, we really love you, and it's not you, it's us. We're going in a different direction.

[D]

We're gonna go every breakup text.

[B]

Yeah, we're gonna hire someone else.

[C]

Well, they said we're gonna hire someone younger.

[E]

They can't say that.

[B]

No, they didn't say that. That's a lawsuit.

[C]

Okay. They didn't say that. They didn't say that. They didn't say that. No, they said we're going to try to bring in a younger crowd.

[B]

We need to do that here at Jeff Lewis Live. I want to go in a different direction.

[C]

Yeah. What direction?

[D]

Good luck.

[B]

We want to Go younger. I think we're gonna skew younger.

[E]

Listen, I bet it's gonna be. Gia will do it.

[C]

Giudice?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[F]

She's doing a whole bunch of stuff.

[B]

She'll make pictures.

[C]

What is happening? What is happening?

[D]

It sounds like you're losing another job.

[C]

I can't.

[D]

Sounds like you're getting fired again.

[F]

Let me tell you something. Is he your agent? Your husband?

[B]

No, he's an attorney. He's an attorney?

[F]

Yeah. Good. That's really good. What type? Family law or. Oh, God, look at that. Good. Let me tell you something about you. Your face is very young. Your hands, you might not want to show them on the face. I mean, it's a huge compliment. It's a huge compliment.

[C]

I'm not at all offended. There's this new thing that Dolores did. Rejuven or something. Yes, I'm already asking about it.

[E]

Just got a fat transfer. They took it out of her thighs and put it into her hands to make them look.

[F]

Yeah, I gotta do that. Oh, my gosh.

[B]

But maybe wear gloves in the meantime. Did you schedule it?

[C]

No, I did not. I, I. No, I didn't.

[F]

Yeah, you could just not show your hands. Like, oh, what's happening, guys? And like, be aware have in your pocket.

[C]

You see my feet?

[F]

Yeah, I like to. Let's see. For real. Let's see.

[D]

You're a foot dog.

[F]

Pull that boot off.

[C]

No, no, they're like talons. Nasty.

[F]

That's fine. Yeah, that's fine. I cast a wide net. I'm not being a size. It doesn't matter. Looks, whatever, you know, you just got to kind of pretend like me.

[B]

How old is your mother now?

[C]

83.

[B]

Is it true that she's been feeding all the neighborhood dogs?

[C]

Oh, my God. Jeff's dying, so my mother has issues. So my mother is a crazy dog person. Not in like a cute, sweet way. In a way that she's fucking cuckoo. Okay? So in her neighborhood, her little neighborhood, there are lots of dogs. It's family. She's probably the oldest. They're probably the oldest couple there. And kids. And so what happens is she'll see a dog in the neighborhood, and she'll meet the parents of the dog. And she'll think, this dog is not being taken care of.

[F]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I do not. No, no, no. This dog doesn't look groomed. When was the last time this dog went to the vet? Why does this dog have more toys?

[F]

She'll befriend the parents when blood. Sometimes they squeeze.

[C]

She'll befriend the owners. She'll knock on the door, can I walk the dog? Oh, God, they'll allow it. They think that's so sweet. Can I watch the dog? Then she becomes obsessed with the dog, that it's not being treated well. So Toby, for instance, she's now taken three dogs from the neighborhood that she's had. They've given up their dogs. No, they give them up. They can't take it anymore. She wears them down.

[F]

Yeah, I know what it is. She never had a child to love.

[C]

Right?

[F]

You know, so she's like, I needed to love.

[C]

Something about the first dog, Toby used to dig under the fence and run to my mom's house. And finally, the guy that owned Toby, he's like, let's just fucking keep him. It's enough of this. Then Nitro next door.

[F]

Nitro, the guy? That's the guy's name?

[C]

No, that was the dog's name.

[F]

Did you know Diddy had a guy named Nitro that came out to do his part? He had a pup in his penis.

[C]

Really?

[F]

Yeah, it made it huge that he did the Diddy parties.

[C]

Well, I don't know that Nitro had to pump in his penis. But next time, can you imagine that?

[F]

That would hurt.

[C]

Is Mazel, who is now her latest rescue. Except that Mazel has a beautiful home and the guy loves Mazel. Mazel takes care of Mazel. I said the other day, I was like. She's like, let's go see Mazel. She calls up, she's like, we're coming over. They're like, it's not a good time. She didn't give two fucks. She said, let's go. Walked right over. You know, it's. It's so weird, but it is weird.

[B]

I know, but is she feeding? So she's trespassing and feeding these dogs 100%. So she makes, like, a plate of broccoli.

[C]

Correct.

[B]

And she'll take over broccoli.

[F]

Correct.

[B]

To these dogs because she feels like they need to be fed.

[C]

She feels like not only they need to be fed, she takes them to the vet. She takes them to the groomer. You would think, like, the owners would be happy about it, except that eventually, when they see my mother, the dogs want nothing to do with the owners. The one almost broke out of the leash trying to get to my mother.

[F]

Well, you know, it's very passive aggressive of her, bringing freaking broccoli over there. Oh, you aren't feeding your dog right. You know, it's very insulting.

[E]

Do dogs like broccoli? When?

[C]

I mean, when she make mazel does. I don't know.

[B]

Robin in Pennsylvania, line three. Oh, Tom doesn't know about F Major.

[C]

Oh, God.

[B]

Hi, Robin. Hey, what's going on?

[F]

Shout out, Shane.

[E]

Shout out, Rob.

[C]

I'm calling because since Jen Sessler was on your show last, I'm in trouble. She mentioned she was marking the shoes down to $100. I've been checking every single morning. Robyn, you're not alone. I've gotten so many emails about it.

[E]

So do something about it.

[C]

I just. I don't know because I've gotten all these emails about it, and I just didn't answer. I'm not the best businesswoman. Let's just put that out there. And I know three pair in there. I want to buy three pairs. Okay, so, Robyn, this is what happened. I said when I was here that I'm going to mark them down. The problem is that I am gonna mark them down at BravoCon. We're selling them at BravoCon, but they're gonna be final sale. So what I was worried about was if I sell them all for, like, a hundred dollars, you get them and, you know, I don't want them back, so that's why I'm marking them down. If you don't care that they're final sale, they may not fit, and they may be uncomfortable, I will send you a pair tomorrow.

[B]

They're not uncomfortable.

[C]

They're the best. They are gorgeous, beautiful shoes. I'm just saying, like, I don't you.

[B]

Want people to try them on right there, make sure they fit?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Final sale.

[C]

That's the problem with selling shoes is you is people go, oh, they're a little unco. Because they don't fit. They send them back, and they're too lazy to order another pair.

[F]

Is there a shoe store? That mall you got fired from? Because that's where you should be. Where have your products in that ball?

[B]

Yeah, the mall you got fired.

[F]

Literally try about people's feet.

[B]

Well, she doesn't even know if there's a shoe store.

[F]

That's the problem. That is the problem, Robin.

[C]

I'm selling them. Are you coming to BravoCon? I'm not, but I'm willing to buy three pair. Final sale online today.

[F]

What size.

[C]

Robin? What if they don't fit you?

[B]

Can't you just give them away?

[F]

Yeah, give them away.

[C]

Yeah, Jeff, I could just give them away. I don't have a job.

[B]

No, not you, Robin.

[C]

Oh, Robin. Sorry.

[F]

Jesus.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

She's got. She's defensive.

[C]

I am defensive. Today.

[F]

It's a one size fits all or death. I know people's sizes.

[B]

You got to know people's sizes.

[C]

Robin, listen to me. I'm not doing it right this second because I have to. I'm on Jeff Lewis, but as soon as I get out of here. Code Jeff everybody. But if you buy them, they are final sale. Code Jeff $100. I'm going to say it again. If you buy them, they are final sale.

[B]

All right. So if they don't fit Robin, just return them.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

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[F]

This? Oh, I love. That's why. Oh grape. It's the best. Last time I had something that was weird. You guys like it? I think it was orange or something. This has.

[B]

You know what it was? I bet it was that one Sherbert. That retro shit that you gave me. I hated it.

[E]

I love it.

[B]

I don't like it. No. Today I'm doing Wild Berry.

[F]

Wild Berry's good. There was some kind of Something kind of Coca Cola.

[B]

Oh, the cherry cola.

[F]

It wasn't weird. That didn't work.

[C]

I don't like.

[B]

I have an orange if anyone else needs it. And it's cold.

[F]

I'll never drink it.

[B]

Yeah, you'll take it in can here.

[F]

Yeah. So when we were coming down the hall, your holes are very thin here, I have to tell you.

[B]

I know.

[F]

And a lady that looked like you kind of squeezed by, and I said, oh, you guys could be sisters. And what is her? She's Aaron Leachy from what? What?

[C]

The Real Housewives of New York.

[F]

And you said, I go, she bitch. You go, she's always nice to me. I go, that's all that matters. And then you went, she's Jewish. I don't know if that was a negative thing.

[C]

Yeah, well, I can't. I don't think at this point right now in our. In our world, I would ever say. And even if she was a bitch, I would say it about her because she's Jewish.

[B]

She's actually very cool.

[F]

Very cute, too.

[D]

Like, adorable.

[F]

Very cute.

[C]

Single? Is she single?

[E]

No, she's a husband of four babies with four kids.

[B]

And one is a baby.

[C]

Yes.

[F]

Oh, gosh, that's great. Well, if the marriage, you know.

[C]

Look how you just tried to throw me right under the bus.

[F]

I thought it was funny. Yeah. I thought it was your character.

[C]

I landed with a thud.

[F]

Cause you play this kind of crazy. You pretend you're dumb. You don't know what's going on. So I was kind of playing into your character.

[C]

Didn't work.

[F]

Cause you're not dumb.

[C]

Thank you.

[F]

You're crazy, though. Let me tell you. You say your mom's the crazy dog lady when you're 83. Jesus. You know, you're locked up in a goddamn.

[B]

Well, here's the thing, Tom. She's not dumb at all. She's lazy.

[C]

Yes, that's so true.

[B]

And that's. Honestly, she's. I have a whole theory about your separation. So I think that. How long were you married before you separated?

[F]

Seven.

[C]

Seven years. So. Seven years. You were such a cliche.

[B]

I honestly think she's so lazy. She just didn't want to do the paperwork. She just didn't want to go to court. She just was like, fuck, 100%.

[C]

Yes.

[F]

But you hooked up with people during that break.

[C]

A lot of people.

[F]

Did you have them planned out before the break?

[B]

That is not true. You did not hook up a lot of people.

[C]

A lot of people, yeah.

[B]

During your separation.

[C]

Why wouldn't. I was separated just like she did?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I mean, was that when you hooked up with James Gandolfini?

[C]

No, no. I was like, 23. Okay, wait a second. We were separated. I couldn't hook up with you.

[E]

You were single?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't seem like a hookup type.

[C]

Well, then you're missing something.

[F]

Were.

[B]

They were like a dating type?

[F]

Yeah, you do.

[C]

No, I was a ho. Especially when I was single, when I was, like, in my 20s.

[B]

No, no, but we're talking about between during the separation.

[C]

Well, I had a boyfriend for a while.

[B]

Okay, you're not a hoe.

[E]

Okay, let her be a hoe.

[C]

What's wrong with being a hoe?

[F]

Yeah, shout out ho.

[D]

She really wants to be a hoe.

[F]

You're not a hoe. You're not a hoe, I tell you. Okay, don't. Don't claim that crown. You don't deserve it.

[C]

Okay, I'm not.

[B]

You're the girlfriend.

[F]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

That guy's cheat on.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

God damn it.

[F]

God damn it. But did you before you separated? You're like, these are the people I'm gonna hook up. That I met my life. I did that once.

[C]

Really?

[F]

Between my first marriage and second. Five days of. Five days of the women. And then I'm like, I feel I've cheated on. I'll marry the next woman I see. But I had it in the back of my mind, well, what if I were single? Okay, now let's go do this. You know? But you just kind of.

[C]

I didn't pick him out first.

[F]

No, but were you jealous when he started doing it too?

[C]

Fuck yeah.

[F]

Fuck, yeah. You see, that's the thing.

[B]

Did Jeff have a girlfriend?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, he had a girlfriend.

[C]

Yeah. That bitch.

[B]

Yeah. See you guys. No. Okay. Sorry. Maybe because her husband's here, we should be referring.

[F]

Did you hook up with girls, too?

[C]

I'm sorry to report that.

[F]

Have you ever in your life?

[C]

No.

[F]

You and that lady of the hall. Yeah, I got it. What's her name?

[C]

I could hook up with her.

[B]

I get it. Yeah.

[F]

Let's talk to her after this.

[C]

Yeah. Okay.

[F]

We'll get stuff going.

[D]

Tom, you have a thing for, like, lesbian porn?

[C]

You talk.

[F]

I do. That's all I do.

[C]

Everyone has a thing.

[E]

Not me.

[F]

Oh, yeah. There's a thing on Twitter or X that's a lesbian thing. And they just give you all new stuff like this thing and then that thing. And sometimes they have hair, which I like for the old days, but it's all women just going down on each. They're so gentle. And there's no. No penises. Yeah. And it gives you a wide variety. I don't have to watch it very long, you know, write it down.

[C]

What's it called?

[D]

But it's on Twitter.

[F]

I know. I'm afraid they'll take it down.

[B]

Real Housewives New Jersey.

[F]

Yeah. I highly recommend. They get all new content all the time. It's always surprising.

[D]

But why do you go to Twitter? Why do you go to Twitter for your pornography?

[F]

Because it's. When you're. When you're a single dad, you have a 12 year old and a 9 year old, it's not like you got to wait till the kids are fucking asleep. You got to go to the far bathroom. You gotta get your iPad out, your Astroglide, your cleanup shit.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

And then. And then that's. But I like that.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

I like lesbian porn. You like gay porn. I don't like lesbian. Or guess what? It's a big world, man. You don't want to see vagina. Oh, my God.

[E]

Absolutely.

[D]

We're missing the point that you get it off of Twitter.

[F]

No, it's free. It's free.

[D]

It's free at every website.

[F]

I don't have to do porn up. I don't have to pay.

[D]

That's free.

[F]

It's like a gift. I can't believe they do that for we.

[D]

Every porn website is now free.

[F]

Yeah, no, this is the best. And they really keep. Somebody's in charge of this. Keeping it up, changing things. Sometimes they'll be. There'll be black women, there'll be Hispanic women, there'll be Asian women, there'll be. You don't know. Sometimes you mix it up. Black woman and Asian woman. You know, it's like a whole thing. You cannot get bored with it. You genuinely can't get. They like me. I could tell. They fucking like me. They like that I'm watching.

[D]

I'm gonna teach you the Internet.

[F]

No, I want nothing to do with that. With you.

[B]

What. What is happening with drag pyres? Because I've been waiting and I was hoping that it'd be released.

[F]

It's allegedly going to be released soon. That's where, you know, I do whatever movie they'll pay me because I get. I have. And they always have a hook. It's vampires. But they're drag queens. And my job is to go at it, get killed. And they try to keep me. They try to, okay, do this scene. You're like, we want to get. They want to kill me at the end. They want Me through the whole movie. When I work one day. And so I'll go, I'll work 12 hours at 11 hours a half. I tell the director, you got to kill me now. Next scene. And so I got an offer. And it said, they. They kill. I always say how they kill me. They pull my penis off.

[B]

And so the drag pyres.

[F]

Yes, rip.

[B]

His hell dies.

[F]

That's how I die. And then I said to my agent, if it's my real penis, I gotta get paid more. You know, they're gonna. It's a joke. Anyway, I get down there, I meet the director soon get there. By the way, I want to sell it at one of these comic cons. If you have merchandise from one of your movies, you know, I autograph ice cube trays. Cause it's true. Lies. If I had a penis, people would pay for that. So I get down there, I see a director. I go, where's the penis? He's like, oh, your agent said you didn't want to do it. Your throat. We're going to pull your throat out.

[B]

No, no.

[F]

I go, no, give me the penis. We're doing it and we did it. The penis.

[B]

But when does it air? Because we all want to see it.

[F]

It'll be streaming. I will let you know. It finished in August of last year. And I'm sure they didn't have much to do with it.

[B]

It's gotta be released now. Halloween's coming up.

[F]

That's very true. Maybe they are releasing it now. I haven't heard. I'm gonna. Max find out.

[B]

Okay. Max. Why would Max find out?

[F]

Because he knows how to do the Internet.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

I'm unofficially also. Tom's like, bitch.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah, he is. Thank you for saying there's a lot to the job. Like, you gotta be. Cause at one time, he's like, I feel I'm doing assistance stuff. I should paid more. I'm like, what are you doing? So, you know, I'll pay you for your videos.

[B]

You have the synopsis of drag pyre.

[E]

So Jen Festler can understand a fabulous drag queen. Vampire families reckless pursuit of blood jeopardizes their very existence. After all, sometimes being a vampire can really feel like a drag.

[F]

Yeah. Now they offered me the drag pyre to play the role of the.

[B]

But why didn't you become a. Because you'd make a great drag Pier.

[F]

I was the makeup and the prosthetic. It was so awful. I just looked terrible as a woman. I just look terrible.

[C]

That's hard to believe.

[F]

Max.

[B]

Max could be a Pretty Woman without the beard.

[F]

Yeah, he could. He could.

[D]

This makes me feel a little bit more manly. Usually I'm clean shaven.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

But I feel like.

[F]

Are you shaving? Do you shave your pubes? Like, are you that kind of dude? A lot of guys like him shave it all. They have. They're hairless.

[D]

No, no, I like to keep it trim and proper. Nothing's going on down there. You know, I'll tell you what, I'm.

[F]

Careful when I'm tripping because I do it over the toilet because I don't want to get hairs everywhere.

[B]

All right. Why don't you promote your stand up? I know you have a gig. It's. Is it tonight and tomorrow in Point.

[F]

Pleasant, New Jersey, with Uncle Vinny's. And tonight, exciting news. Angelina, who was from the Jersey Shore, who I met this week, who's super beautiful, is opening up the show. Please come down. She's got some great funny.

[B]

What about Max?

[F]

Max. His time has been cut severely. Seriously, whatever she does. Whatever she does, I like to get up there. But I'm excited that she's coming. I think she's bringing her divorce lawyer. She has a. A very beautiful divorce lawyer that has a podcast going to do it. But she's coming, and I think that's so fun.

[B]

Is that tonight?

[F]

It is tonight. It's tonight and tomorrow at Uncle Vinny's. For sure. She's coming tonight.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

And she's so busy.

[B]

So tomorrow Max is going to open.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

So you're gonna want to go tonight.

[F]

Yes. Yes. You know what? His whole family was there. We were in Long Island. We were in Rodney's here, and he came upstairs. Like, man, that room. It just wasn't where I go. You shouldn't have done the sucking the vampire dick bit. I'm just telling. That's a one time.

[D]

It's my clothes. Aren't I like.

[F]

I know, but it's your. They know. Your grandma's sitting right there. Your nice little grandma. People can't laugh. They're like, this is so weird.

[B]

You can't have your family there.

[F]

Yeah, that's my rule.

[D]

Right there with my family there.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

You know where you should do a show.

[C]

Don't say it.

[B]

The American Dream.

[C]

I knew it.

[B]

Maybe Jen can hook you up.

[D]

You can open that one.

[B]

I know you can.

[F]

Yeah. Guess what? I used to be the voice of the Arby's oven bit. That was the best job I ever had. I just, you know, I made millions of dollars.

[C]

Voice of the what?

[F]

The Arby's Oven bit. I was like, fresh, juicy, not greasy. And you make so much money because then you do the radio stuff you made. It's the best job I ever had. So try that. You could be the voice of the.

[C]

Well, I could try anything. I don't have a job, so.

[F]

Yeah, I'm open now.

[B]

What? So you're gonna be in Baltimore, Maryland? Is that Sunday?

[F]

Yes. God.

[B]

You're doing a lot of shows, Tom.

[F]

God's doing a lot of shows?

[D]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Are you making money?

[F]

I'm making some money. And then I got a new agent. What's the agent's Reliant thing or replacing Max called Relight. It's a real good.

[D]

I did a good job. Like, I'm not an agent.

[F]

No, you did as good as you can. You did as good as you could, and then maybe even a little better. But it's not, like, serious. It's not like. It's, like, amateur. They're the best amateur of the league. Well, I'm not an agent professional. I know you are.

[C]

I'm a comic.

[F]

You don't even have to tell me that. I know that.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Thank you.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. So, Max, you just. Guys. You guys just hired an agent. Is that what's happening here?

[F]

Well, I. Tom really was so bitchy with the agent. Olivia. Excuse me. I think Tom's gonna need more travel for this. Excuse me. I don't see my name on the thing. Whatever.

[D]

Well, the story is that you weren't on the road, and as this young, hungry comic, I said to Tom, he.

[F]

Said, how can I open for you? I said, okay, book a tour on the road, do all the flights, handle the money. I don't want to talk to anybody about money. And he really. In four days, he had a significant tour.

[E]

That's a huge tour.

[F]

It's easy.

[B]

Why are you trying to cut him out now?

[F]

I'm not. I'm just trying to tamp him down a little bit.

[B]

Oh.

[F]

It's gone to his head because he gets to. You know, he's like, oh, I think I'll do 20. No, do 12. And. But he does that. But I'm also helping him. I'll say that last bit about sucking that part. Dick. That's one too many. You had him, and then you had to go there in front of your grandma.

[B]

You did that right in front of grandma.

[D]

Well, it's the joke that I feel like works the best, and it did not in front of my family.

[F]

You got enough. But just being on the road with me, you should be telling Some of those stories. And you don't need that closer. People think I gotta do my closer no matter what. I got a big laugh, but you should just get off the stage. Then you're like, it worked. I'm off. I can tell that story later privately. You gotta know when to leave, Max.

[D]

A lot of this is a learning experience as I work. And so I'm good.

[F]

I'm assertive, like you, Jack. I'll tell you, I don't like this. I don't like the way this went. Here's what you got to do. And I don't say it again, because I don't really.

[B]

You're very lucky, Max. No, you really are.

[F]

You really are.

[D]

I don't complain too much because I know this is an amazing opportunity to be able to go on the road. Literally on the road every weekend for eight months.

[B]

Are you embarrassed to carry around his big pink suitcase?

[D]

No. I think it's really funny.

[C]

No.

[D]

A lot of this stuff is for the bit.

[B]

People just assume it's yours.

[D]

Yeah. It's crazy.

[F]

He broke the first one. Then it was my daughter. So I'm saying he said, you got to get a new luggage. I got a new penguin. It's more heavy duty. But my assistant was in the audience, my old assistant the other night, who just sold his company for $500 million.

[C]

Whoa.

[F]

He was my assistant and Jacob and Bronstein. And he said, oh, I'm filming bar mitzvahs on the side or weddings. And I'm like, oh, that's cute. And now he's got the streaming rights to almost every synagogue. And he's hooked up inside. You don't have to be there. He's got cameras. He created a camera that does all this stuff. And that's the kind of shit my assistants do. They win Emmys. They do way better than me. And I wish the same for you.

[D]

I appreciate that. Listen, as long as I get on that stage, I'm down to do any task required.

[F]

Yeah. He does work very hard. Helps eat the merch and, you know. Yeah. I wish you. I want you to be more successful. I mean, to me, you are successful.

[B]

Max, did you plan all these? Because I'm looking at all of these cities. This is crazy. You're going to Oklahoma, Indiana, Illinois. It looks like Missouri.

[D]

Everything until March.

[B]

I booked Wisconsin. I mean, 50 cities. 50 cities, yeah. So.

[F]

Wow. Yeah. His dad pays all his bills. He's, like, feeling bad. He faded bad. He never had to Or. But I feel really bad that I never had to. My. My Parents paid for literally everything. I go, what is wrong with you?

[B]

You're making money now, right?

[D]

Making some money?

[B]

Yeah. Are you going to pay your bills?

[F]

What were you making before at the gym class? Teaching gymnastics or whatever?

[D]

His class is making very, very little. And now I'm making a little bit more. And I feel great that I can.

[F]

Say that I'm a dimes.

[B]

So I think. I feel like we need to support Max.

[F]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

And let's go to tomarnallcomedy.com and check out the dates and the venues, the times for tickets, and let's raise money for Max Meisel.

[F]

I need. I need money more than him. He's got a nice family. He gives a.

[D]

No, I. God damn you.

[F]

My family pulls me down. My family's in prison. I have to pay for their lawyers.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

So, Tom, I'm almost afraid to bring this up.

[F]

Yep.

[B]

But I did a fan social dinner last night.

[F]

Oh.

[B]

Nice and very nice couple. And she happens to be an interior designer. And she works for these, you know, wealthy married couples that have been together for a very long period of time. She has done four sex rooms. Four sex rooms for her clients. I've never done one sex room. And I asked her, what does this entail? She said, you have no idea. The research that I've had to do there is something called a St. Andrew's Cross.

[F]

Okay. You stick that up your butt, right?

[B]

No, no, you actually.

[F]

Oh, the cross.

[B]

Like a huge cross.

[F]

Yeah, I like that.

[B]

Where there's stirrups for your wrist and.

[F]

You face the wall and your husband.

[B]

Does either face or turn around.

[F]

That's a weird spot. If she's standing up, they have to get, like, a chair under you to make it work to get in there.

[B]

She's doing mirrors. She's doing spanking benches. She's doing glory hole.

[F]

It's a very glory hole.

[B]

Glory hole, but something very different.

[F]

What?

[B]

A Czech glory hole, which I had no idea what that is. You're gonna almost need to see a picture. But it's for a woman.

[F]

I like it.

[B]

You'd like it.

[F]

Stuff it in there.

[B]

I haven't seen it.

[F]

No, I haven't.

[C]

Why did they stuff it?

[F]

Yeah, stuff there.

[C]

That's hot.

[F]

Keep their vagina and stuff it up real and then put it in the wall.

[E]

Their whole bottom half of their body is on one side of the wall. And then their stirrups for their legs to go up.

[F]

Oh, I like that.

[B]

Swings. It's so crazy. And it was very interesting because, you know, the Lighting is important. The ventilation is important. Important.

[F]

You want ventilation.

[B]

The flooring. The flooring, she said, because clean up the jizz.

[E]

Exactly.

[B]

Correct. Yeah, correct.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

It's like you've done this before.

[F]

Yeah. No. I mean, no.

[C]

It's so funny. Like when you booked Tom Arnold, you thought to yourself, who could I book this week with Tom Arnold? And you thought Jen Fester, Not Aaron. Leechy, not Melissa Gorga.

[B]

You know what else you have to put in?

[F]

What?

[B]

A first aid kit.

[F]

That's a really good idea because people get it.

[B]

I never even knew this is a thing.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

But what happens is, you know, you do one and then I guess they talk.

[E]

Know each other.

[B]

They all know each other. Do another one down. That one. She's done four.

[F]

But the. It's for the husband and wife, right?

[B]

Correct. So it's people that have been married a long time.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

They want to spice it up.

[F]

Did he bring other people in? Like homeless guys?

[B]

So it's. It's funny you said really not. I don't know about homeless, but yes, sometimes they entertain.

[D]

Tom is a fetish.

[F]

Well, that's a good thing. Did you guys ever do that? The Swiggy?

[C]

Not yet.

[F]

Okay. But that's a really cool. She's had four rooms like that. It's a New York thing.

[B]

I think there's also NDAs, like you're saying, like the contractors, you know, because sometimes these people are wealthy. They're, you know, they might have.

[F]

They're always wealthy to do that and.

[B]

Maybe they are well known in their field, much like Jeff Vessel over there. So what happens is These contractors sign NDAs. They cannot say, you know, who they're working for or what they're building. It's pretty. It was pretty fascinating.

[E]

I mean, it's really aside. Like I've never talked to anyone who done that.

[F]

Well, I think, man, I'm going to say this. Any man that's built one in his house, that's told everyone in the office, build a sex room for me and my wife. Like, they all brag and we're having sleepovers or whatever. It's hard for a man to go. Especially when they build a magnificent one like this. Sounds like this woman is a designer. Like, it's a really cool. Yeah.

[B]

On the one she's working on right now, she does these square shaped mirrors and then. And there's wallpaper also. So she's trying to make it pretty. But it's obviously lighting is important, as we talked about, and you kind of want a little more darker vibe. Right.

[F]

Are there cameras in there?

[B]

I did not.

[F]

You could stream that. That'd be good.

[B]

No, but it's interesting because some people might want to record.

[F]

Yes, for sure. Do them the favor. Just like Epstein.

[B]

I didn't ask her about cameras. I didn't ask her. Oh, music. She does these incredible sound systems in there.

[F]

What kind of music you think they listen to when they're doing that?

[B]

Oh, I. I don't. I wouldn't know.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

What would you listen?

[E]

Jeff Lewis live.

[F]

Maybe King of Pain. Boogie in the Butt. All the great. That is a song can we play? It's a great song.

[D]

Boogie in the Butt.

[F]

Yeah, man. I just take a lot of courage. I don't have courage. First of all, the mirrors. Just to see us off in the mirror. I swear to God, if we got to the hotel at Harlem, I was so tired. I laid down on the bed. I look out the window, first thing I see is a fat, disgusting guy with his hand down his pants. And I swear to God, I realize it's a mirror. I put my head down his pants. Just out of nervousness, apparently.

[B]

Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis live every weekday on SiriusX as well as the Jeff Lewis Channel, exclusively on the SiriusXM app.

[F]

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[D]

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