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Jesus People Podcast
Episode 29: The Jesus People Podcast: Neeza Powers | 50 Days After Meeting Jesus: A Raw Conversation
01:22:19
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- [00:17]
A
All right, guys, welcome to the Jesus People podcast. I have Nysa Powers here today. Who you. If you've been on Christian social media in the last month, you've definitely seen Niza, because you have taken off like a rocket ship. Holy smokes, dude. And we were talking earlier before we hit record here, and there's so many things that are just so beautiful about your story and the way you've been journeying through faith, and it's just such an honor to have you on. So thanks for being on with us today.
- [00:48]
B
Yeah, I really appreciate the opportunity to be here, too, Ryan. Before we press record, I feel like there's a lot of similarities in how we came to God and how we continue to go and seek him, and I can't wait to get into this.
- [01:03]
A
Amen. Yeah, for sure. Well, yeah, I mean, I, I, I initially saw you on social media and was just intrigued, and I've, I've found myself watching you every day, and I, I was thinking about it before this podcast. I was like, what is it about Niza that causes me to be so, like, in tune with everything you're saying and want to watch the journey? And I think the main thing is I've just, I've longed for wonder again. Like, I've longed for the wonder that comes from when you first meet Jesus and you're, like, exploring how to pray and, oh, we could go to different churches. And, like, I'll never forget the first time I, I, like, realized that Christian music existed. And I, like, listen back to the songs that I would listen to, like, on Caleb and stuff, and they were, like, the most cheesy, like, you know, Christiany song songs ever. But they meant so much to me because I didn't know. I didn't know there were songs about Jesus in that way. I thought it was just, like, hymns at church.
- [02:05]
B
Yeah.
- [02:06]
A
So it's, it's been like, this very refreshing thing to watch you on social media and just documenting your journey of going church to church and trying. Like, it was so funny. I was just watching your video about going to a Pentecostal church, and I was like, this is fascinating to just see it through the eyes of a new believer. And so, and that's, like, everything, like, the sexual identity stuff aside, it's just someone finding Jesus is just so interesting to watch. So where, Where'd that vulnerability come from? And then I want to get into your story, obviously, but, like, I'm so curious.
- [02:41]
B
Yeah, well, first I want to appreciate you telling me that identity stuff aside, because I feel the last few days especially that my testimony is going to follow me wherever I go forever. And that. That's sort of depressing a little bit. Like, am I always going to be looked at that one dude that used to pretend to be somebody else? And that kind of sucks. I mean, but if you were previously an addict or previously divorced or struggled with gambling or temptation of any kind, does it follow you forever? Or is there a bridge you cross and eventually you're just looked at as another believer?
- [03:21]
A
Yeah. Yeah. Can I offer a different perspective?
- [03:24]
B
Yeah. I love it.
- [03:26]
A
So we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony, and God has given you a story that is unlike anyone else's story on the planet. And at the same time, Second Corinthians 5, 17, you are a new creation if you're in Christ Jesus. So your identity is not your story. Those things inform your identity. But when I. When I talk with you, like, I almost had to just remember that you detransitioned. That. That was not for me. What was top of mind. I think that's maybe what got my foot in the door of, like, following you and watching you is like, oh, that's interesting. Yeah, but. But there's so much more depth to you, Na. Like, there's so much authenticity and transparency and willingness. Like I was sharing with you earlier, like, the ability to just share things on social media that for you, I can tell they don't feel like, crazy vulnerable. You're not, like, preparing us. You're not giving a bunch of disclaimers like, I'm about to share something really hard. You just share it. But I think what it does is it's. It's like, it's modeling for people how to be really vulnerable. That's who you are. Like, that's.
- [04:36]
B
Man, I need it. I needed to hear that more than. More than you know, today, that I am more than my. My past. So thank you so much for that. And I don't. I didn't realize how vulnerable it is to seek out faith because I've never done it before and nobody in my family has done it before. So I. I still don't see it as something that should be. Should be shameful. Right. Or should be. You should be scared of talking about it. No, I mean, I don't know anything about Christianity even. 50 days in. Today is 50 days and wow, your jubilee.
- [05:15]
A
Do you know what that means? You know what that means?
- [05:16]
B
I. I tried to play it off like I did, but I was. No, no, no, no.
- [05:19]
A
This is a Significant marker. So, in fact, it's the one law in the Old Testament that Jews today still don't follow because it's so hard to follow. But it's the. It. The. The first verse Jesus quotes when he comes on the scene is he says, I have come to bind up the brokenhearted freedom for the captives and proclaim the year of the Lord's favor. What he was talking about was the 50th year in the calendar, in the Jewish calendar, which was called the year of jubilee.
- [05:49]
B
Wow.
- [05:49]
A
And what that meant for the Israelites was all debts would be canceled. Oh, I'm getting chills. Talking. All debts canceled. All slaves would be made free. Like, new slate, completely start over. This is prophetic for you right now because that 50th, that 50 marker, Jesus is saying, I'm coming to give people who have a past, who think that they're just going to be defined by all the things that they've done. I'm coming to give them a new slate. And so everything that you've done, washed clean by the blood of Jesus. You are now a new creation in Christ. Behold, the new has come, the oldest past. So. And again, this is so hard to do in practice because it's so radical. That's why the Jews say they. They don't practice because, like, what I'm going to do, all my debts are now canceled. And, like, like, what are the bank. The banks are just going to be like, oh, everyone's good. Like, it's just. It's so radical. But the Israelites actually did this. And what it means spiritually is that no matter what anyone has defined you as or you've defined yourself as, or the sins of your past or where you've come from, or the question marks in your head, all those things are completely covered by the blood of Jesus.
- [07:05]
B
Man. I. I thought that these chills would shake, you know, once we kind of got into it, but you. Yeah, you've got it. You continue, man. I really have to look at this jubilee thing because today I. I woke up and I. I felt for the first time like I wasn't necessarily counting another day. Like, I woke up today feeling really confident that, hey, I am a Christian now and forever. And the other days I've woke up, it's been like, oh, am I almost at the. At the finish line? Right? Like, day 47 for, like, I was chugging along, but today felt good. I woke up. I thanked the Lord for. For waking up. And. And before my feet hit the ground, I continue to thank Him. And it felt different today. Maybe, maybe this 50th thing is, is real.
- [08:00]
A
It's real. It's the first thing Jesus said came. It's literally his mission statement. Well, if you get, if you could encapsulate the mission statement of Jesus to one scripture, it's that Isaiah 61, he's quoting Isaiah 61. He's saying, I've come to proclaim the year of jubilee. And that means that you're free. That means that your, your past isn't held against you. And that. What a beautiful thing.
- [08:27]
B
Absolutely.
- [08:29]
A
If Christians believed that man who. We would live a lot differently.
- [08:33]
B
I mean, I believe anything written in the Bible. Right. Like, anything written. So if it's in there when I get off this call, then it's true and I, I believe it. So.
- [08:46]
A
Amen. Amen. Yeah, I mean, like, because you can believe something, I feel like intellectually, but sometimes it's hard. It's. It's like I, I feel like I just keep coming back to simple truths that I have to learn in different seasons, in different situations. So, like learning of the, the power of the word of God, or learning about the power of prayer, or learning about the importance of community. Well, like, it just, it's like God will take you through the lessons that you're learning right now. You're documenting them on social media. You know, day 31, I learned this today. You're going to learn that same lesson ten years from now. And it's just gonna. And it'll be the same simple, beautiful truth, but it's just going to be in the context of something a little bit different. So anyway, this, this is. Yeah, this. I, you, you and I, we need to, we need to keep talking, we need to keep chatting through. Absolutely fascinating. But I'm so curious. I actually don't know your story. I don't know your background, I don't know your family history. Yeah, I just see what I see on social media, which is, you know, someone who detransitioned, who's now, like, chasing the cross and like, you know, like, just laying it all down. And that's just so beautiful. But could you kind of take us back into your past? Like, what, what was childhood like, going into, you know, your formative years and then into adulthood?
- [10:11]
B
Yeah. So I grew up a pretty inspiring athlete. I think I did like eight or nine different sports. So I played soccer, I played baseball, I played tennis, I played golf, and I was a ballet dancer. And that was the one thing that I loved the most, was dancing. So from Being a little boy into high school years, dance was like the top priority for me. So as you can imagine, like, when you get to high school, it's sort of a minefield trying to fit in. And being a, being a boy that is a dancer, maybe it's a little bit more feminine. It's hard. And at this time, I had never thought of like, oh, like, who am I attracted? Do I like girls? That wasn't. I didn't really care about that because I just cared about doing this one thing. And, you know, that was where my entire identity lied, was dancing. And my parents were supportive of me chasing that dream. So that's what I did. And I didn't realize I was doing something wrong in the eyes of a society of high school, being this, this sort of feminine boy until I got there and I started being bullied incessantly. And I, yeah, I mean, you, you don't know what to do. And I, I've never been a parent with my child being bullied, but when I would come home every day and just, I mean, extremely emotional crying every day, like, I, this sucks. Like, I don't, I don't. Yeah, I haven't really talked about this on social media, but like, yeah, I mean, being a kid with suicidal thoughts at like 14 or 15 years old, because everybody hates you just because you do the thing that you love the most, it really, really sucks. So we went to people maybe that we thought would have my best interest at heart, like professionals and therapists. And they sort of first posed this idea that maybe the qualities of me as a boy, like a dancer, a cheerleader, and my friend group maybe somehow tied into my identity some. Maybe I was trapped in the wrong body. Like, this was the first time I sort of heard these ideas and it, it made so much sense. I was like, okay, like, my friends who, the friends I had this, the very small group of friends who are also dancers, are girls. Why are they getting thrown into trash cans every day? Why aren't they getting spit on and punched? And they're like food thrown on me every day at school for being this, this boy. Why aren't they experiencing that? They do the same things I do. Maybe I am like them and I'm just, I look like a boy. Like, you know, like, maybe that's, maybe they're right. Maybe that's the disconnect. So then started that journey of extreme disassociation by denouncing who I was born in. And again, my family does not have a faith based, you know, framework. So this idea of, like, being made in God's image was never. I mean, that's 50 days old to me, like, that I was made in God's image. So that was not like, man, if I just had this opportunity to be. To. To hear that all I needed to do is place my identity in Christ. It could have solved a lot. And I know now that God does not have a plan B. This was his plan A. I know this now, but it's still hard to wrestle with knowing that I spent 12 years as somebody else. And. And that's what happened. I thought I was living my truth all those. That decade. I thought that I was, you know, being authentic. And yeah, I thought that I had solved this identity. So, you know, fast forward until 50 days ago. I. I get out into the wilderness and these truths start to hit me like bricks. And I. I don't. The literal wilderness.
- [14:35]
A
Yeah, got it.
- [14:37]
B
I moved out to the middle of nowhere. I'm in northern Vermont and just started hiking and snowshoeing and. Yeah, I was sitting on this. This rock for like a couple weeks at a time. I'd hike up to this rock. And I thought I was, like, practicing, like, Buddhism or something, like, you know, meditating. And I'm just like, sitting on this rock and then I'm like, why am I getting images of Jesus Christ? Like, in dreams and visions? Like, what the heck is this? And I run to my parents and they're like, what did you watch? Like, did you watch Mel Gibson's Fashion of the Christ or something? Like, what? And I'm like, no, I still haven't watched it. I need to. But I'm like, why are these visions coming with no Christian background? Like, yeah, you know, is there some truth to that? And I found out there is the truth in that. So this is where we're at, man.
- [15:38]
A
Dude, it's so beautiful. Yeah, it's so beautiful.
- [15:42]
B
Wow.
- [15:44]
A
I want to go back to. Well, I want to. I want to hit the conversion moment for sure, in the dreams and visions, because this is happening. I don't know if you. If you know, this is happening all around the world where. Especially in Muslim countries, Muslims are getting dreams and visions of Jesus. He's revealing themselves. I did not know that himself to them. Yeah, it's prevalent. Some of the largest mission movements are happening in countries where it is illegal to be a Christian. And it's happening because Jesus is showing up in dreams and. And I think that the Lord, you know, he. He leaves the 99 to. To find the 1. Have you heard that?
- [16:23]
B
I have heard that. And it, it makes no sense to. Because it's not logical.
- [16:27]
A
Obviously it's not logical. Yeah, yeah, it's not logical. But he's, but Jesus, Jesus is making a point that he's going to do anything to go after the lost. He's going to do anything in his power to go find his, his lost sheep. And so right now it feels like for people that are far from God, but their hearts are open, their hearts have good soil, they're ready to receive. He's like, I'm a good father. I'm going to give you an encounter with me through of your dreams or through a vision or from a random missionary showing up or a random tik tok video showing up. He works through, through all different things. But sorry, I'm gonna start preaching at you now just because I, I feel it.
- [17:13]
B
But like, you're power, you're powerful. You really are. Like, I've been just on the edge of my seat and, and filled with, I, I, I guess I know now as a spirit this entire time. So keep it up. Like, don't stop.
- [17:27]
A
Cool. Yeah. Well, my. So I actually have the word tattooed on my wrist. So the word right there is prostrate. And I got it on my wrist because every time I, I'd meet someone, I want them to see that word and ask me about it. And so I get to share the gospel with people. But this word is what I think took me from being a hyper religious in the sense of like needing to do the right things, type of Christian, to really having like an encounter with the Holy Spirit. And the, the word is found in Luke, chapter 15, verse 1 and 2, where it says, the Pharisees and scribes grumbled. This man welcomes sinners and eats with them. So you have this scene, you've got Jesus, this rabbi, claiming to be, I am claiming to be God. And then you have the Pharisees and scribes, the religious people of the day, the religious elite who are looking at Jesus hanging out with prostitutes and tax collectors and sinners the furthest. Like, like, not, not just like in our day, we'd be like, oh, they're sinners, but he's eating with them, making himself ceremonially unclean in Jewish custom. So he's defiling himself, he's making himself dirty by eating with them and being in their presence. And so they think they're talking smack about Jesus. They go, this supposed holy rabbi is welcoming and eating, eating with the scum of the earth. And Jesus perceives their Hearts. And he goes on to tell them three stories. The story of the lost coin, the story of the lost sheep, and then the story of the lost son. And they progressively get more and more wild, where this woman has 10 coins. She loses one coin. She goes berserk flipping couch cushions, finds the one coin, and then throws a party. And they're like, what? And then, you know, this shepherd has a hundred sheep, loses one stupid sheep that runs away, leaves the other 90 sheep, and goes and finds the one sheep. It's like, well, what happened to the 99 sheep? It's like, it doesn't make any sense. And he's like, okay, you guys still aren't getting it. So he tells him the most ridiculous story, which is a father who has his son come up to him and says, screw you, Dad. I want your money. I don't want your relationship. Give me half of what you have. I want my inheritance. Now you're dead to me. And takes that money. The father gives him the money, goes off to. Let's call it Vegas, parties it away, and then finds himself in a pigsty, and then comes to his senses and says, how many of my father's hired servants have more than enough to eat, and I'm starving here? And he goes back to his father. And his father, like, in the kid's mind, he's like, my father's just going to, like, take me out, you know? But it says that the. The. The dad sees him a long way off and then girds up his. His loins and starts running. And if you were telling this story to a Jewish audience, they would audibly gasp, because to bury your legs as a Jewish man was one of the most shameful things you could do. And he says, I will embarrass myself to meet you where you're at and what he gives him. He gives him a. A cloak on his. On his shoulders because it signified royalty. He gives him shoes on his feet because only slaves were barefoot. And he gives him the family emblem on his. On a ring which says, you were gone, but now you're back in the family. And then he kills off a fattened calf, which is like, let's buy you a Ferrari, and we're going to throw a party. And you can see the religious leaders are like, what in the world are you talking about, Jesus? Like, this is crazy. But what he's talking about is prostechomai, because the word they used in their smack talk says, this man welcomes sinners. There's two tenses in The Greek language of that word for welcome. Like, when you and I just met here, we're just like, oh, nice to meet you.
- [21:01]
B
Yeah.
- [21:01]
A
That would be decemai. That's not the word they used. The word they use, prostechemai, is like when you see in the movies when a soldier comes back from a tour of duty and he gets off the plane and walks down the stairs and the wife and the kids with their teddy bears, like, dragging on the ground see him and run and they just go and they embrace him and they've got tears coming down their eyes. And it's like everything that you are, I welcome. I'm. You were gone and you're back and I'm so happy to just be with you. And it's what the Father did, the prodigal son is. He ran after him. So the story is about the Father's heart of proi. Sinners.
- [21:43]
B
Wow.
- [21:44]
A
And this man intimately welcomes sinners is a snapshot of the gospel of the cross. Because now all are welcome in. The veil was torn from the top down. And that veil, that veil was, was what would keep people away from God's presence in the holy of holies. And now he's saying, my presence is for everybody. Come on in. Like, like I did. I undid what you did in the garden. You broke the world by eating from a tree. Well, I just died on a tree. And I reversed the curse and I became the second Adam. And now you have full access to me. And so it's, it's, it's, it's. I feel like the abiders will get that and it'll like, resonate in their heart.
- [22:28]
B
Well, here. And you talk about the veil being torn down, I feel like if I knew anything about Christianity beforehand, I would have never thought to come to it because I thought that it was only for, you know, my parents used to refer to Christians when I was a kid as like holy rollers or, you know, Bible thumpers or something like that. And it was almost kind of like a put down. Like, hey, you know, we, we do science in this family. Like your dad studies insects. So, you know, we're, we're here. Those Bible thumpers, like, they don't know that the earth is, you know, however many billions of years old. Like, they think it's this and they. And that's been a hard thing to overcome with my parents. But if I knew anything about Christianity, I would have been afraid to come to it because I would have thought that there was a veil of like. Because I don't. I guess I never thought anything was wrong with my past before I started running towards Jesus. And now I know there, there was nothing wrong. But I, I think that there are people maybe that maybe were in the exact same position as me or battling something else that think there is a veil there and they get right, they can't come to Jesus. You know, I, I feel like if I knew anything about it, I would have been so afraid to, to go after him.
- [23:57]
A
Yes. And. And that, that is why Jesus flipped tables. That is why Jesus got so mad. That's why Jesus hung out with the worst of the worst. I mean, he. People. A lot of people don't know this, but like the, the disciples, with the exception of Peter, were teenagers. Were teenagers.
- [24:16]
B
I didn't know that.
- [24:16]
A
Fishermen and, and, and a lot of them like, like sinners, like tax collectors, zealots. A terrorist. Simon was a terrorist. Like he was a zealot. They would like go and knife people in the streets.
- [24:32]
B
What?
- [24:32]
A
And he chooses these people?
- [24:35]
B
Yeah.
- [24:35]
A
And it's why he's chosen you, Niza. It's why, it's why you've been chosen, is because nobody in their right mind would think that maybe the most explosive evangelist right now on social media would be a man who detransitioned 50 days ago.
- [24:57]
B
Yeah, I. I don't know what to tell you. I. I don't think what I'm doing is evangelizing because I don't know. I don't know the gospel that well to talk about it. You know.
- [25:13]
A
You know who the first evangelist was in the whole Bible? It was a woman at a well who was cheating on her husband. She had had five husbands prior. And Jesus walks up to her, he tells her everything she'd ever done. And he says, don't leave your life of sin. And the woman runs back into the village and tells everyone in the village about a man who told her everything she ever did and didn't judge her. He uses the weak to lead the strong. He confounds the proud and, and those who think they know this whole religious song and dance, and he uses a man who detransitioned 50 days ago to be an evangelist to millions of people. Because the views, I've just looked at them. Millions. And what you are doing is you are evangelizing and you are doing discipleship in a way that nobody else is online right now. I sure as heck am not. I don't have the ability to do what you're doing right now.
- [26:15]
B
Yeah, I, I guess I'm Just gonna keep on showing what it looks like to seek the Lord. I, I don't, I don't really know what I'm doing. I just am filled with a type of love that I've never been filled with. And I want to figure out a way to, to, to show it to people. And, and that's, that's kind of all I know that I'm doing right now. It's, it's weird when I, when I talk about what I read in the Bible, I, I, I, it's hard to believe that I'm, I'm saying those things and I, I, they're just sort of coming to me, you know, like, I'll read something in, in the Bible or I'll hear someone's testimony, or I'll speak about myself. And I'm like, man, I've never been able to say something like that before. Like, what is, what's going on here? So it, it feels good to be able to, to share what's happening to me and people are, are listening because it's the best. I mean, I think somebody asked me yesterday, I was on a Tick Tock Live or an Instagram live, and it was Instagram. And they said, how would you share the love of Jesus with a, a trans person? And I said, well, I, I definitely wouldn't start with, oh, you were made perfect in God's image. They don't want to hear that. They want to hear what's in it for me. That's, that's the only thing I wanted to know for 12 years was like, okay, like I'm going to do this. How, what, how could I be fed, like, what's in it for me? And if you could present this scenario of what's one thing you would give up in your life for ultimate joy, ultimate success, ultimate freedom, ultimate happiness, all these gifts of the spirit. I learned, right? Ultimate knowing. Would you give up something? Like, and obviously everybody would say yes, like, but would you give up the one thing that you are holding on to the most? And I, I don't have a lot of money, I don't have a lot of anything. But the one thing I held on to the most was that identity of Nicole. That's the only thing I had. That's what I worked my entire life for, was this. And that's a hard thing to try and give up is like that one thing you want, like, you want me to give up the one thing that, that's all I have. And, and I'll tell you, I've never I have some ultimate joy and ultimate love and ultimate happiness now because of. Because of giving that one thing up. So that's how I would present the gospel to somebody struggling with identity is would you be willing to give something up for, for those gifts?
- [29:02]
A
Yeah. It's so beautiful. Yeah. And I think that's the. The wrestle is like, some people, they won't get there. You know, the rich young ruler, Jesus said, give it all up. He couldn't do it. Says Jesus looked at him and loved him and let him go on his way. And then there's others like Matthew the tax collector. Jesus just calls him from his booth, says, come on, let's go. And he's like, let's rock. You know, I love. And I think that's the gift of, of living in the kingdom of God is you just. You learn more and more and more that when I lose my life, I actually find it.
- [29:37]
B
Yeah.
- [29:37]
A
When I lay down what, what I want to do in favor of what he says to do when, like, my truth evaporates and I lay hold of his truth, I experience the fruits, I experience the love, joy, peace, kind, patience, kindness.
- [29:54]
B
Yeah.
- [29:55]
A
Meekness, self control, all those things. And I think that's why I would just continue to encourage you that you will at one stage not be known as the detransitioned guy. But don't despise that, because right now that's a picture in our culture, the Lord's given that to you as a gift. And it's a picture in our culture of someone who's fully laid it down because you just said it. You're like, I worked my whole life to be Nicole.
- [30:25]
B
Yeah.
- [30:26]
A
And now I've found the treasure in the field and I'm willing to sell everything for it. If you've read that parable of Jesus, you. You've. You found something that actually satisfied you've. You've gotten rid of the fool's gold. And you've actually been like, no, I can tell that's fool's gold. This is actually the real thing.
- [30:41]
B
Yeah.
- [30:42]
A
And so I would just encourage you that I don't think people think of you as the, the deep trans guy. I think that is a part of your story in the same way that part of my story was being a baseball player, you know, like, but, like, people don't think of me as a.
- [31:00]
B
That's a lot cooler, though, man.
- [31:05]
A
I don't know.
- [31:06]
B
That's a lot cooler.
- [31:08]
A
Yeah, maybe that was a bad example. You know what? It's not, though, because my identity was in it, and I had to lose it. And that doesn't, like, oh, I was a minor league baseball player. Doesn't sell as well as I was living as a woman in the kingdom. In the kingdom of God and in reaching hearts that are hardened and far from God, you've actually got that gift. And so I just want to encourage you. Like, I do think that it's a season, but it will always be your story. And I don't know if you know Jackie Hill Perry. Have you heard of her?
- [31:48]
B
Did she read. Did she write that book Good Girl or Get Gay Girl? Yeah, I, I've heard of her. I have not read the book, but I have heard of her.
- [31:59]
A
Yeah, she's incredible. And. But no one thinks of her as being gay. She's married. She has a ministry. Wow. But that was part of her story. That's honestly, like, how she got launched in her ministry. So I just think that you. You're similar in that sense that you've got this anointing, I would call it, this authenticity to be able to communicate authentically to people. And that's, that's the gift. The gift isn't, oh, I used to be trans. The gift is the anointing God's given you through the story he's written in your life.
- [32:33]
B
Yeah, I, I think back when you, when you talked about the parable in the, in the field, the very first vision I had in a dream earlier said, let's go back to the dreams and vision. So here I'm going back to it, Ryan. So, yeah, the very first dream I had of Jesus or God. He is God, right? He is Lord. Right. So Jesus is. I'm still, you know, I ask questions about the Trinity. So I think when I think of God, I think of, like, the bearded white guy, and then I think of Jesus as somebody different. So it's. It's hard to understand. Jesus is. Is God. I understand that. But anyways.
- [33:10]
A
Well, we can get into that.
- [33:11]
B
Yeah.
- [33:12]
A
Yeah.
- [33:12]
B
Okay. So the very first dream I had of. Of Jesus and. Or God is I was in this field and I see a fence in the field. And on the other side of the fence, I see everything I want out of life. So I see all these, these Porsches. I love, I love Porsches. Like, I do. Like, hopefully I'll be able to get a nice car one day and, you know, mansions and all these amazing things and clothing and jewelry and, like, just. It looked like Mykonos on that side of the, on that side of the fence, on this. The other side of the fence is like just some, like, corn and, you know, sun and just whatever. And yeah, you know, I. In this dream, I thought I was like, a really smart, smart one. I said, okay, I'm gonna go just sit on the fence so I can have everything. And the devil says, why on the fence, too? And. And so that's why I. That's. That was really the big reason why I. I said, I can't do that anymore.
- [34:21]
A
So what was that like, waking up after that dream?
- [34:25]
B
Like, I felt like I was insane again. Like, I still kind of feel a little crazy not coming from a Christian past, you know, like, telling this to friends and family. They are really quick. I don't tell them because it's not a. It's not logical. So waking up, I'm like, what am I going to do? So I. I jumped in the Bible and I started reading Job that day. And I love Job is probably one of my favorite stories, favorite books of the Bible. So I read all of Job and I felt like. I guess I didn't understand why. Why God led him be tested that much. And I started thinking, I'm like, why, if I'm. If Jesus is Lord, if I'm coming to God right now, why was I tested so much? Or like, I still was wrestling with. Those weren't tests. That's still who I am. Like, this is. The test is me turning away from this. I thought the test was me turning away from Jesus. You know, I'm like, why was I tested all those years? You know, and some things you don't understand. And it's. I'm getting better at being okay with that.
- [35:37]
A
It's beautiful. It's. It's such a beautiful. There's actually a. An old worship song by Jimmy Needham called Fence Riders. And it's all about how it doesn't make sense to those who ride the fence. You got to check that out.
- [35:52]
B
Yeah, I wrote it down.
- [35:55]
A
Awesome. Okay, so. So we have this dream, multiple dreams, conditions. Would you mind telling us a few more of them?
- [36:04]
B
Yeah. I just started seeing Jesus everywhere. Like, I started seeing him, like, hanging out, like, in. I live in the middle of nowhere, so I ride my bike, I go skiing, I go hiking. And I'm like. I look up and I see, like, him in the clouds. I see. I'm just starting to see these, like, visions of him everywhere. I'm like, I'm going nuts. This is not, you know, this is not right. But when those visions would come, like, ultimate peace, I would feel washed over me like I just felt like you said earlier, like, I don't know if we had started recording it, but like there was this father figure, this just loving hand around me, and I'm like, I want more of this. Like, I feel, I feel nuts, but I want more of this. So I, he, I keep getting into the word. I keep, I think then was like maybe day or one or two. Like, I keep talking about how, how this love is just unparalleled. So, yeah, I keep having these visions. I, I, I was sitting in the sauna one day at my gym and I, like, I, I feel like I see him in the wood of the sauna. I'm like, why am I seeing this, this vision of, of, of Christ everywhere? And, and every time, like I said, I just feel this warmth and this peace wash over me. So I, if that's what I'm chasing, then the only way I know how to chase it is to continue staying in the Word and connecting with this family of believers. And I didn't really realize that this is a family that, that, yeah, that's still hard to. We're like, you're telling me I have like all these brothers and sisters. Like, this is a fa. This is a huge family. And it's, it's so cool. It's so cool. It is, yeah.
- [37:57]
A
It's a jacked up family too.
- [37:58]
B
Yeah.
- [37:58]
A
Be prepared for that.
- [37:59]
B
There's baseball players and everything. Like, you know.
- [38:02]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a big, big happy, sometimes argumentative family. But yeah, we're doing our best. And but what, what you're experiencing there is, is it's the number one thing Jesus talks about in the whole Bible is the kingdom of God. And the kingdom of God is what? Like, pretty much every parable is about the kingdom of God. You could make the argument every single parable is about the kingdom of God.
- [38:23]
B
Okay.
- [38:25]
A
But the kingdom is wherever he's made king. It's the rule and reign in our life. And so the calling, the Christians, like, we have these big words sometimes like evangelist and apostle, and we have no idea where they, where they come from. But these were words before Jesus came on the scene, before the Bible was written. So an evangelist was a guy like, you know, the guy who, where Marathon is named after the dude who run 26.2 miles to Marathon where there was like a war.
- [38:57]
B
Yeah.
- [38:58]
A
And he like went and told them, like, hey, we won the war. Like, that's why it's named a marathon, is because the guy ran that. He was an evangelist. So an evangelist is someone who runs from the battlefield back to the hometown to share the good news, which is called the gospel, and let them know the good news that the war has been won, like Singh has been deceived. So you have evangelist, gospel all in this picture. But then after that war had been won, after that new territory, that new city had been conquered, what that king would do is he would send out the. What was called the apostles. And the apostles would go into this town, and their job was to make that town look exactly like Rome, so that when the emperor, when the king or whoever came into that town, he would feel just at home in that new town, as he did, as in his own. So when Jesus tells us to pray the Lord's prayer, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. That's an apostolic prayer. He's saying, go put up banners, go put up pillars, make this thing look like the kingdom, make it look like my home on earth.
- [40:09]
B
How do we do that, though? Like you, like you said, put up banners. Like, what do you mean? How do we make something look like home that we don't know what it looks like?
- [40:20]
A
You just did it. You just shared with thousands of people that you found the treasure hidden in the field and that everything else you were chasing fool's gold and it was all foolishness and it was all stuff that you were misguided and that you actually found something that satisfied big old banner you just put up right there. Okay, so you are bringing the king and his rulership into this world. And every time you do in a video, do a video, you are an evangelist, you are an apostle. You are bringing the good news, the gospel, and you are making waves and the kingdom of darkness is screaming, you can't stand that. And we do have an enemy. And he's going to fire flaming arrows at you, which are through your thoughts. And what he's going to tell you is you made a mistake. People think this is weird. You're just going to be the trans guy your whole life. He's going to fire all those things at you. And your job is to pick up your shield of faith. That's what the Bible says. Pick up your shield of faith, which extinguishes the flaming arrows. And then our only offensive weapon, which is the sword of the word of God, so you combat his attacks with the sword and you go on defense with faith. And you believe. No, no, no. I'm getting rid of those thoughts. I'm believing in faith that he has plans and purpose for me. That's what it looks like to walk into the kingdom is you advance and then what's going to happen and he said, is you are going to mess up. And I even saw, like, when you posted a video, you're like, I dressed up as a woman. Like, I'd love to hear more about that moment. But then you posted it, you shared about it. And what the Bible says is when you confess your sin one to another, you're healed. Which is really interesting. It says when you confess your sin to God, you are forgiven, but when you confess your sin to each other, you're healed. So something happens in the spirit when you're, when you're being authentic and, and confessing. And so you went forward and you confessed your sin. What did that do? Big old banner.
- [42:11]
B
I didn't even, I thought I was just sort of saying how hard it is to deny yourself for something. I didn't know about the confession. I know. Yeah, I see. I, I, I thought that when you repent, like, I thought this was just like a oneand done situation. So, like, you, you, you come to Jesus and you repent and you can never go back and, and do something. So I was kind of scared at that point, like, this journey might be.
- [42:41]
A
Over, you know, like, yeah, no, no, no, no. You're going to keep screwing up. You're going to keep screwing up. And in fact, the Bible says that our good deeds are like filthy rags. That translated means menstrual rags. So our good deeds are like tampons is what the Bible says.
- [43:01]
B
Okay.
- [43:01]
A
And, and so what that means is that this workspace salvation that every other religion follows, climb the ladder, do good things to get to God. Jesus kicked out the ladder, and he's like, listen, I'm perfect. You can't do anything on your own accord. You can't do anything that is even close to the standard of perfection. Even your good intentions still have a hint of selfish ambition in them. Billy Dram's wife, Billy Graham, was like one of the most famous evangelists.
- [43:33]
B
I, I saw some of his videos on YouTube. He's, he's passed away, right?
- [43:38]
A
Yes.
- [43:38]
B
Okay.
- [43:39]
A
He died. So his, but his wife has this famous quote. She said, I've never had a selfless thought in my life. And I think that's such a beautiful quote because there's always a tinge of selfishness to anything we do. And so the difference between Christianity and every other religion is that we've been washed by the blood of Jesus. We've been completely washed by, washed clean. Given the new Slate, the year of jubilee. It's done and it's. And it's nothing that we've done. It's his good grace. But here's where people get it twisted. So, Ephesians, right? Write this one down. Ephesians 2, 8, 10. You have a lot of arguments in church which is like, is it grace and good works? Because what if I just say it's grace and then I just keep living the way I want to live? And the reality is, a proper understanding of it is if you just go to those three verses. For it is by grace we've been saved through faith and not of our own accord, so that no one can boast. So we, like our salvation was secure on the cross. But there's something called sanctification, which is the process of becoming more like Jesus. That's the big churchy word for it. Basically. It's becoming more like Christ. And you can know if you have truly encountered the grace of God, the free gift that was given on the cross and received it, if your life begins to change. Because the next verse says, for we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works. So the grace gets poured in and then it flows out through us. If, if you truly are being, the living water is being poured into you, it will bubble out. And that's how you know if the living water, the good grace has been poured in is if your life starts to change and look different now. It doesn't mean that if you screw up a few times or every single day, or every single thought that you are now no longer saved. Like your salvation has been stamped, you've been secured by the blood of Jesus. You, you have been adopted into his family. You can't be unadopted once you're adopted, but you can tell if you've truly received that adoption. Because he's giving you adoption papers and you're like, I can take them or I can reject them. You can tell if you've truly received the adoption by what the fruit looks like in your life. Because it says in John 15, abide in me or remain in me, and you'll bear fruit. As the vine abides in the branches. I'm sorry. As the branches divide in the vine, so you remain in me. And then you can tell if there's fruit in your life. And what is the fruit? It's the fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. So if those things are evident in you, which I, a million percent think they are, just from the little I've known you and from what I've seen on social media, completely evident in you, then you can know that, that you've been secured, that you're in Christ now. Those things don't save you. And that's where a lot of people get tripped up. Is that not. That's not what saves you. It's by nothing we do so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2. 8. Does that make sense?
- [46:35]
B
I mean, I can tell you no. And I think you, you'll understand that. You still explained it well, but, but yeah, I think that's. This is the only topic in our reality that you, you can somehow know something, but. But not even scratch the surface. And as someone who thought that they were really smart before coming to Christ, it's so humbling to try and make sense of what Jesus did for us, why he did it, and the history of the world. Like, it's so hard to make sense of all that through, through the, through the lens of truth, through the lens of Christianity, so. Because it's a lot easier to. To make sense of, you know, something like, you know, some scientific explosion out in the depths of the solar system or something, you know, you know, like, it's. That's a lot easier to understand somehow than, Than this truth. Because as soon as you know it in your heart to be true, and now you have to understand it. I would rather understand. I would rather try to understand something. That was a theory, you know, that's right. It's, it's. It's harder to understand truth.
- [47:58]
A
Yeah. Yeah. But what I would tell you is you do understand it. You don't understand it here, but you understand it here. And what you felt. What you felt is like, how. How could you choose me?
- [48:11]
B
Yeah.
- [48:11]
A
How could you love me this way? That's the gospel. It's. It's like we will get to heaven one day, and I think the first word out of our mouth is like, how? Either either how or wow. One of those two words like, how. How are you giving me access to this? Like, don't you know all that I've done? And that's grace. That's. That's an understanding of the gospel. And you see, grace is giving someone something that they don't deserve. Mercy is withholding punishment from someone that they do deserve. So God gives us both. Mercy is, Niza, you deserve hell, but you get heaven. I'm sorry. Mercy is you deserve hell and you don't get it. Grace is, you get heaven instead. And that, that Understanding is an unlock. Because here's the reality. So many people are running around this world just self protecting and self promoting. And it's fear. Fear causes you to self protect and self promote. And what Jesus says is perfect love drives out any fear. And what you're encountering is perfect love. That's why you're willing to sell it all. That's why you're willing to be like, my family doesn't get this. They think it's really weird. I'm giving up Nicole because, you know, Nicole felt really comfortable to me. But like, I'm encountering this love and this grace. And that's because you've been chosen. You've been adopted by God. He said, I want you, Niza. I don't want Nicole, I want Niza. Does that make sense?
- [49:58]
B
Yeah, that makes sense. You know, I, I think that the idea of being changed after you had mentioned earlier, like how when we are reborn, we're. He's changing us constantly. And the other day I had to take a step back and. Because I don't feel it while it's happening. But then if you look at yourself from afar, you realize like, holy cow, I am nothing like the person I was just 50 days ago. And that's, that's pretty mind blowing to, to see how something otherworldly is changing me here for his will or something like, you know, like it's, that's a hard thing to understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [50:58]
A
Well, take me back into the moment where you decided to go back. And I, I think from the video you said you, you dressed up like a woman or did you go out to a bar or like, what, what did that look like?
- [51:10]
B
Yeah.
- [51:10]
A
So I kind of want to land the plane of what we were just talking about kind of through that.
- [51:14]
B
Cool. I think it was maybe day 37 or 38. I was really struggling. I, you know, I didn't even mention this in the video, but I went so, so far as to take an estrogen pill that day too. And think like, this is it. I've listened to the evil, the, the wolves and sheep's clothing in my inbox that say, I'm a pastor from so and so church. Jesus wants you more as Nicole. Like, I get, I would say maybe almost thousands of messages of that exact breed saying, he doesn't want you as this because you're denying who you truly are. Like, these are the wolves and they're out there. And man, they are out there. So I, I fell victim to, to them that day. I'm like, you Know what? They're right. Because my. My family understood me better when I was Nicole. I thought I understood me better as Nicole. Maybe I'll. I'll understand Jesus better as Nicole, because that's who he truly wants me as, is who I am and my authentic self. So this is what I'm gonna do. I. I took that estrogen pill. I was like, okay, I'm. I'm done. I'm laying it all down. And I'm. You know, I shaved this little mustache I had. This is a. A kind of a big sign for me. And I just went out shopping that day, and I was seeking validation through other people's gazes, right? Like, if I could. If I was shopping and somebody looked at me and, you know, I knew being trans, you kind of recognize the gaze of somebody being like, oh, like, you know, there's nothing off here looking at this person, right? Like, they're not a man and they're not somebody else inside, right? So, like, you recognize that gaze really well. In the community, it's called passing, right? Like, oh, you pass. But really, it's. It's. It's internally recognizing somebody's outward, you know, display of how they perceive you. And I just went that, you know, went out to lunch at this. And then I. I didn't. He didn't necessarily hit me with guilt at the end of the day. It wasn't like, guilt, you know, I. I think you mentioned grace, right? Like, there was a sense of, like, was that. Was that better? Like, it was a sense of like, was that. Was that better? Did you feel closer to me all day? And I'm like, actually, I didn't think about you at all, you know, and it was like, was that better? And I'm like, no. And he's like, you know, and started availing, like, is it better to go and live as Nicole, not think about me at all and not have this abundance of peace and joy and patience and all of these things that we talk about? Or do you want to feel something like me tearing up a second ago that even with the estrogen, never happened in 10 years, I never felt anything, man. Like, I. That. That's a hard. That was a. You know, that's a. A really huge thing for me. So he's like, do you want to feel something, or do you want to go and. And live numb? And, yeah. I was like, yeah, Lord, I want to feel. So.
- [54:44]
A
Yeah, here could be next Monday, most likely the next.
- [54:49]
B
Thanking God and. And. And. And getting into the word, putting on that armor in Ephesians 6. Right. Is that it? I'm getting better at recognizing those scriptures, so getting into the Word, and I think it's the. The buckle of truth. Right. So putting on that, I think, was the hardest part of the armor for me. So strapping the buckle of truth on and then. And then getting into the day. So the next morning, yeah, I. I realized I would rather. Yeah. Feel than. Than. Than do that again, so.
- [55:25]
A
Wow. Wow. Well, to me, like, the, The Bible talks about how we've been sealed with the Holy Spirit. It's like a stamp, like in the old days where, you know, like the wax seal, like that goes on a stamp, like you've been sealed with it. And it's got his emblem, it's got his mark. And so you. What you just encountered was the seal you just encountered. Oh, the Spirit spoke to me after and said, was that any better?
- [55:53]
B
So is that deliverance right there that happened?
- [55:57]
A
Not necessarily. Okay, so deliverance would be different. Deliverance would be demons being cast out from your body. And, and I think a lot of the church gets really weird about this. I think Deliverance is one of the most underdone ministries in the church. And I've encountered Deliverance personally. I've watched Deliverance personally. It's very real. Very, very real.
- [56:20]
B
Because I. I took to social media afterwards, I was like, oh, I think it was like 40 days in, I was like, I've been delivered. So deliverance is something completely different than the seal that you're talking about.
- [56:33]
A
Yeah, yeah. So being delivered from sin is one thing. So, like, I guess it's kind of like a double entendre. Deliverance is the term for demons being cast out.
- [56:41]
B
Okay.
- [56:42]
A
Bible never, never uses the word deliverance in terms of talking about demons being cast out. But you can be delivered by a sin. And that's like, hey, I've. I. So I guess that that term would make sense for you. It's like, hey, I've. I've now, like, shed this sin from me. But what I want to tell you is if you go back to being Nicole, two months from now, guess what's going to happen? Jesus is still going to be waiting. And when you turn and when you leave the land that you've been living in and you come back and you come back to your Father's sentence, or when you come back to your senses, your father is still going to run after you and he's still going to embarrass himself, bear his legs, put a coat on you, put a ring on your finger. And shoes on your feet. It's going to happen again, Nicole. I'm not.
- [57:31]
B
Dude, why are you. I feel like you're, you're, you're, you're. You're kind of like setting me up.
- [57:37]
A
I'm not prophesying. I'm not saying it's going to happen again in the sense that it's going to. I'm saying the sin is going to happen again. There will be. You will fall into temptation again. I'm believing in faith. You will never go back to that life. You will never put back on that clothing as your brother in Christ. I'm believing in faith. I'm claiming it in faith. It's done. You were delivered. It's done. What I'm saying is it will happen again in the sense that you will fall into sin again and you will run from the presence of your Father. And I'm just telling you, even if it is that you go. Go back to it, even if it's, let's say, you go on a bender for two years, I'm telling you, he's still going to be there. It doesn't, it doesn't. Like, you can't outrun his grace.
- [58:19]
B
So then how do you. So if. If he's always going to be there. We know, repent and we. So I've asked this question so many times. Then what's the point of. Of deny? Like, you know, and so what's the point is what.
- [58:34]
A
The point is what you experienced, okay, where you're like, why do I feel so full? Why do I feel so loved?
- [58:40]
B
Yeah.
- [58:40]
A
Because again, let's go back. Your kingdom come, your will be done. Our job is not just to get to heaven. Our job is to pull heaven here. That's what a lot of Christians miss. They think the goal of their life is to one day just get to heaven. That's not the goal of your life. The goal of your life is to bring heaven here, is to bring the kingdom. And that has incredible perks. Like, incredible perks. So I want those perks. Like, I want the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness. Like, I want all of it. Give me all of it, and give it to me in such portion that it starts bubbling out over me. And. And other people are like, why do I feel different in your presence? People are like, what? Why do I.
- [59:22]
B
You got it, though. You. You, you got it, man. Like, this whole time, I feel different in your presence. So whatever the bubbling is, man, it takes a lot for me to. To really feel something and. And be super vulnerable. So you. You got. You got it.
- [59:41]
A
I do. I do have it. And it's not me, it's him. And it's something that you have, too. It's available in full measure to you as well. And the tragedy of life is that we have people that are not encountering it. And my goal, our goal as believers is to encounter it in its fullest measure, to the point where we are so full that it's just bubbling and people are, like, drawn to it, and people experience it. It's the life that is truly life. The Bible calls it. The word for life is Zoe. Zoe Life. It's life in its abundance, life in its fullness. It's not just your heart is beating, it's that your heart has encountered the one who created it. That's what Zoe life means. And the only one who can satisfy the human heart is the one who created it.
- [60:36]
B
Yeah, no, that's. That's an. You know, it is a shame that there are so many people that have not felt it. And I mean, yeah, my. I want my family to feel it. I want people who live the. The lifestyle that I did wants to feel it. I want everybody to feel it. And I think that, yeah, our world would look quite a bit different, right, if. If everybody was feeling it or would it not? Because everybody would continue to. To. To fail. So would it look different if.
- [61:16]
A
If everyone had the Holy Spirit? Yeah, it would look completely different. Completely different. Yeah. That's the goal.
- [61:23]
B
The goal is to mirror the kingdom.
- [61:26]
A
More territory.
- [61:27]
B
The goal is to mirror them. Okay.
- [61:29]
A
Yeah. The. In the kingdom of God is. Is Just read. Read Matthew 5, 6, and 7.
- [61:36]
B
Okay?
- [61:36]
A
That's what. That's what the kingdom is. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they will. Oh, I'm sorry. For they. For theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. It's just backwards. You're like, wait, what? The meek, the poor in spirit, those are who, like, blessed are the peacemakers. Like, what are we talking about here? It's. It's totally. The kingdom of God is backwards, upside down and beautiful, and the world can't see it. They miss it. They will bypass the treasure hidden in the field because they can't see the forest for the trees. And they're not realizing the treasure that's right in front of them. And it is. The greatest gift you could ever have is his presence. And you're experiencing his presence. So, Niza, you won't arrive at this Christian thing. I've heard some language from you Today of like, I'm 50 days in arrive, you don't arrive. Like, that's okay. Like, in many ways, I look back and you will look back on these first 50 days and be like, those were some of the sweetest times with Jesus. And because it's, it's not about gathering more knowledge. That's. That's religiosity. That's like intellectual religiosity where you're worshiping, like, just the Word and the thing. It's like, no, no, it's about Jesus and encountering his presence.
- [62:57]
B
So we don't get better at it.
- [63:01]
A
I'll put it this way. If your sin is a grain of sand, you've already got a beach. And in 50 years, when you are speaking on stages and you've got four children and you've got an amazing wife and you're discipling your kids and you're taking them to go get donuts and reads of proverbs on Monday mornings and all the, all the good stuff, it'll look like the same beach. So that's what grace means, is that he has wiped the slate clean. And we do pursue holiness. That's. That's the thing is it's just like, oh, well, my sin's always going to be there. Well, so. So what? Like, why can't I just live the way I want? Well, because we're. We're not on defense here. We're on offense. I want more of Him. I want more of his kingdom. I want to experience more of that grace. I want more wisdom so I can walk in the ways that he teaches me to walk in.
- [64:03]
B
Yeah.
- [64:04]
A
And it's because I love him. Because I love him. If, like, I love my wife and that causes me, like, we're going on date night tonight. I can't wait. I can't wait to be with her because it's fun and because we share love. And that's what it is with, with Christ. We, like. He calls us his bride. And so you are his bride and I'm his bride. And. And that's what a beautiful picture of that union with Christ.
- [64:32]
B
Yeah, it is. A. You say, I'll look back and, and be thankful of these first 50 days. I can't wait. Because right now it seems like it's only the denial of self. But I. I guess I'm starting to get that picture that maybe that doesn't end. And that's okay because it's getting easier. It's in the midst of that denial that you. You get his presence. So Maybe I'll just keep denying. Maybe I'll keep denying more and I'll, you know, next time you won't be able to talk to me because I'll be a monk, you know, just sitting on the same rock and just praying. Just be a.
- [65:11]
A
Coming. Yeah, no, it gets easier. It does it like. And, and you're just fighting different stuff.
- [65:20]
B
Okay.
- [65:21]
A
You know, he shows you deeper layers of your sin and, and then, and then you, you stop focusing when you're not walking in, like, habitual, active sin.
- [65:31]
B
Okay.
- [65:32]
A
Like, I was addicted to pornography for 10 years and it was just like a wrestle, you know, like when you're not continuing to walk in that, like, I haven't thought about pornography.
- [65:39]
B
And I, I was in a men's group, my, my men's group last night, and that's what everybody was battling. And I, I, I didn't share in the battles that these other guys shared. And. But maybe in 10 years, that's what I'll be battling. You know, I don't want to, like, wish that on me, but, you know, I, I was like, you know, when am I gonna, you know, battle something different? I think, you know, I'm, I guess I'm done battling this. I'm done with it. But maybe he's not done with me being done with it.
- [66:14]
A
Well, I don't think, I don't think God tempts. Like the book of James says, God doesn't tempt, but there will be attacks from the enemy, for sure.
- [66:24]
B
Yeah.
- [66:25]
A
And, but I think, you know, the, the one directive the Bible gives us when it comes to the enemy is just resist him. Yes, the devil, and he will flee. And yeah, I think if you're getting tired of battling your flesh, go to worship. Sometimes we get so hyper focused on denying our flesh that we forget that it is finished.
- [66:51]
B
I love to, I don't know if I'm worshiping right. But I love that song that's like, I sought the Lord and he heard and like, I, yeah, that dude that's on my, on my echo like two or three times a day and I go nuts inside my apartment and I love that. And you know, I don't sometimes, you know, like, you fall down on your knees in, in so much happiness. And Yeah, I, I don't know a lot of worship songs, but I like that. And I like, like Lauren Daigle and Brandon Lake and stuff like that. So those are the guys and, and her that I've been listening to. So, you know. But is that worship? Is that what you mean? When you say worship is music or. Yeah, okay.
- [67:33]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, worship, gratitude, worship is really like, worship. Biblically, worship is so much broader. Worship can be obedience. Worship can be fellowship. But when I say worship, I mean, like, turning on a worship song like that and just going bonkers.
- [67:49]
B
I love that.
- [67:49]
A
And praising him. Like, just praise him. Praise him in the middle of the frustration. Praise him in the middle of the doubts. Like, I think that that is. That's how we fight in a lot of ways, because I think the enemy wants to get us to ruminate on our sin when Jesus has already conquered our sin. And so we're not fighting for victory. We're fighting from victory. It's like.
- [68:09]
B
Like, so we got to sell. We have to celebrate the.
- [68:13]
A
The best way to fight your sin is to celebrate that Jesus conquered it.
- [68:19]
B
I wish I could have talked to you a few days ago.
- [68:25]
A
All in. Perfect timing. Yeah.
- [68:26]
B
No, this is. You know, these are just more tools I. To understand something like that is. Is huge. That sometimes we have to just celebrate the fact that he. He's won for us. Yeah, it's really that easy.
- [68:48]
A
It's that easy. You didn't do it.
- [68:50]
B
I didn't do it. Yeah.
- [68:52]
A
Yeah, we didn't do it. We're just children, dude. My. My kids have no idea what they're doing. Tomorrow morning, we're getting on a flight to Wisconsin. They have no clue. They don't care. If I told them, they'd forget. They just get in the car. Like, I'll have to tell them like, 15 times and then spill all their stuff in their car seat and all that.
- [69:09]
B
Dude, you have the most beautiful life, though, right? Like, is being a father just the best?
- [69:13]
A
The best. It's the best because then you. And you learn stuff about the Lord all the time because my. My daughter just throws these epic tantrums. Epic tantrums. And I'm just like. And I'll just. I'll ask the Holy Spirit, like, what do you want me to do? Because I'm. I'm ready to, like. I'm get so mad, dude. I get so mad, and I'm like, lord, what do you want me to do? And he's like, go pick her up and hold her, and I'll do it, and she'll just melt. And I'm like, all the threatening of, like, losing toys and losing a star from your star chart and, like, all. No, like, you're about to get a spanking. I'm gonna count to five. You know all this stuff, like, all. All this, like, all my threats didn't work. It's like, no, just go pick her up and hold her. So, like, you learn to hear his voice, and then you learn what his heartbeat is. And not that discipline is not a bad thing. I mean, you shouldn't always go pick up your kid and hold him when they're being disrespectful. But, yeah, it's. It's. It's beautiful, man. It's beautiful. But, you know, I was. I was driving. This was probably two years ago. I heard the Holy Spirit really clearly. I'd gone through a lot of. I'm going to share my story on this podcast soon, because a lot of people don't know my story, but.
- [70:26]
B
Well, we know you're a baseball. We know you're a baseball player. We know you're a fail, a cool guy. Okay.
- [70:32]
A
Yeah, yeah. A lot. A lot of failure. But I. I was asking the Lord, after this, like, season of wilderness, I was like, lord, how did I get to this point? Like, how are you this good to me to give me everything you've given me? Like, just looking at my life, and I'm like, I'm so blessed. Like, I went from, like, struggling financially, relationally, married now have kids, like, doing okay. And, like, a ministry. Like, how did I get here, Lord? And I heard him clear as day. And this isn't a flex. Anyone that's been through the wilderness knows this is not a flex. I heard him clear as day. Go. It's been your obedience. And I was like, okay, obedience is what. What brings you to the promised land? Obedience is what brings fruit. It is God's love language. Obedience is God's love language. And I'm not saying that, like, if you're obedient, God gives you a Lamborghini or a Porsche, right? Like, I'm not.
- [71:28]
B
This isn't no Porsche, man. Come on.
- [71:30]
A
No Porsche. Yeah. So sorry, bro. Maybe. Maybe you'll just hit me up in, like, you know, five years and be.
- [71:35]
B
Like, I got it.
- [71:36]
A
But, no, it's not. It's not like a material things thing at all. It's. It's. It's like, just. It's. It's his encountering the presence more. It's encountering his presence and then doing the right things and making the right moves. And, like, yes, I'm going to get clean from porn. Yes, I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to be a wise steward financially. Yes. I'm going to give generously. Yes. That doesn't make Sense. But you told me to do it, Lord, so I'm going to do it. And then you do it and there's fruit from it and you're like, wow, this is cool. This is fun. Like it becomes really fun to follow the voice of the Holy Spirit. Really, really fun. Like, if you want to go on an adventure, just start listening to what he tells you to do and then do it.
- [72:20]
B
Yeah, that's like that movie was Jim Carrey was in like yes man or something. Like you say yes to everything.
- [72:26]
A
Yeah, Yep, yeah, yep, yep. Exactly.
- [72:29]
B
Yeah, that's great.
- [72:31]
A
Yeah. Okay, so now, okay, so sorry, I've been talking a lot. This is about, I just, I get in, I get in like pastor mentor coach mode and I'm just like, I just want you to get it.
- [72:41]
B
Like, I just want you.
- [72:42]
A
Like, I just see you're so hungry and, but okay, so now you have a girlfriend.
- [72:47]
B
Now I do, yeah.
- [72:48]
A
We've been, Tell me about that.
- [72:52]
B
Yeah, I, you know, I've never, it's weird when I go back to telling you about how I didn't really feel for, for over a decade. It's true. I, I didn't really feel. And part of that is like ever since I was a kid even, I, it's not like I was struggling with same sex attraction. That's not what drove Nicole. That's not what drove this. It's not that I'm attracted to men or was attracted to men, but during that time living as Nicole, I dated a couple guys because I thought that's what women do. Right. And I, I didn't really have the want to share with somebody because it was only focused on me. So living as Nicole and struggling with that identity, it's such a self centered kind of life. So much so that I didn't have the place in my heart to share and to want to be with anybody, truly. And once I, once I shed that hardness that was surrounding my heart, I was like, it just sort of happened. We, we met organically. It's not like I downloaded Tinder and you know, started swiping. No, we just met organically. And you know, I, I, I felt the urge to be like, hey, like, you want to go have dinner? And she was like, yeah, what about tomorrow? And she just knows this now. But when she said, what about tomorrow? And I said yes, it was actually my birthday the day that we went out to dinner. And now thinking about it, it really was kind of symbolic, but I didn't want to tell her, like, oh, but I, I was in this new city, it's not like my family and stuff was around, so I didn't have anything going on anyways. I was like, yeah, let's go out to dinner. And yeah, we've, we've been together and it's, it's pretty awesome to, to be able to share like, who you really are with somebody. I felt like the maybe three relationships I had out of those 10 years, they never got the real Ebenezer, they never got the real Niza, right? Like, they just got this, this version that I had made up to protect myself from the world. And now that I'm able to like give the real thing and someone's like, oh, yeah, you're actually kind of, you're actually kind of cool. Like, I like, like, I like him. It's really neat.
- [75:23]
A
Yeah. Wow. And obviously you had to share with her about your past. How'd you take that?
- [75:29]
B
Yeah, that's, that was something I didn't want to like, do on the first date. And it's kind of neat. She's not on social media. Like she has a Facebook for her family and stuff, so she's not like a doom scroller. And I, I didn't have any worries that she would find my tick tock or something like that. So I, I waited until like the second or third time and I was like, oh, like, you know, I know, you know, know me as just this kind of long haired dude, but I wasn't always like this. I. The last 10 years I was actually living as a woman and she was like, she was like, what? And I was, you know, I went into the whole thing and, and, and just laid it all down for her. And I cried then too. And I didn't cry for 10 years. Really. And she was like, well, I don't know Nicole. Like, I know Niza and, and he's kind of cool. So now we're, we're here and we're hiking and biking and, you know, we're getting ready for ski season together in, in November. So she's a skier and we're gonna. Yeah. Have a, have a good time.
- [76:42]
A
Praise God, man. What, What a beautiful response. Like, because Jesus says the same thing to you. I don't know Nicole.
- [76:51]
B
Right? He doesn't, he doesn't know Nicole, because when I was in the. Cole, just like, you know, a week or a couple weeks ago when I struggled, he wasn't there. Like, he doesn't know Nicole.
- [77:02]
A
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. So. So what's, what's next? Like, like what? I'm sure you've seen like you kind of shared with me a little bit about, you know, some people sliding in your DMs and some, you know, kind of more like liberal pastors affirming like, hey, this is fine. And I'd love to, I'd love to hear like, what, how have you been doing social media wise, because to, to just hop in and go viral as much as you have. A lot of people really struggle with that, like just seeing the comments and so how are you doing, like personally, emotionally with that?
- [77:38]
B
What's next? I really want to do the thing. Is it in Ephesians 2 where it's like you have to call out those wolves in sheep's clothing. Like, I don't want to like call them out by name, but there is, was it, is it in Ephesians, you know what I'm saying? Like, you have to avail people speaking out against the word or something. I don't know. I'm not gonna go on this like, you know, revenge quest. Like, oh, you know, Pastor so and so told me I should be Nicole, but I, I think what's next? I don't know, like, just keep documenting, seeking. I don't know what, what, I don't know what should be next. I, I guess continue to open my, my ears to what I'm being led to do. But I, I just want to keep documenting the, the story of, of Nisa seeking Christ and that's it.
- [78:34]
A
Well, it's working. It's powerful. It's beautiful. What, what are your, what are your parents thinking of all this?
- [78:41]
B
Well, I, you know, I, I text my, I think, you know, there's an unwritten rule where your dad can't block you. So I text my dad like a daily devotional. And today, today I sent him James 4:17. If anyone then knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them. And, and I was like, I was like, oh, I'll call you when I'm done with my bike ride. What do you think about that? And he just sent this like happy Wednesday bouncing guy. So, you know, so, you know, don't, it didn't really kind of get into it, but yeah.
- [79:24]
A
He doesn't know what to make of it.
- [79:26]
B
He doesn't know what to make of it. Yeah. Which is fine. You know, I'm not, that's not my, my main concern, my main concern is because we don't water right, we just plant the seeds. So I, I, I got a whole basket full of them. I'LL just keep planting them.
- [79:43]
A
Amen. Amen.
- [79:47]
B
That's it.
- [79:47]
A
And these are. It's give the, Give the people where if they don't follow you right now, give them your quick handles where they can find you.
- [79:54]
B
Yeah. So I'm on Tick tock Instagram and YouTube just needs a Powers.
- [80:03]
A
Okay, cool. @ Nisa Powers.
- [80:06]
B
Yeah. I think Tick Tock is at Dream Roulette. It was the name that I, I started Tick Tock with and I, I don't know, it's. It's weird now. I just thought it sounded cool like Russian Roulette and like Dream Roulette. I don't. It doesn't really have much meaning, but I think somebody stole the news of Powers handle now on Tick Tock. So it's just gonna stay Dream Roulette.
- [80:32]
A
Yeah. Yeah.
- [80:33]
B
But if you just search needs the Powers, I'm sure you'll find me.
- [80:36]
A
For sure. For sure. Well, so, so grateful to get to know you.
- [80:40]
B
And me too.
- [80:41]
A
Hear your heart and keep doing it. Like I agree. That's what's next for you. Just keep going.
- [80:46]
B
Yeah.
- [80:47]
A
Going. Keep walking with him and, and keep remembering that he intimately welcomes you and there's nothing that can snatch you from his hands. And excited to hang in person. We got to make a trip up there. My wife was just being like we got to go look at the leaves.
- [81:02]
B
So yeah, come be a leaf. Come be leaf peepers. And I want to. Yeah. Bring the whole family. Like it's, it's an event here. You know. I'll get you some free lift tickets for the fam. You guys go up on the lift and, and see Vermont. Like all the. It's, it's really, really gorgeous.
- [81:19]
A
Yeah. Heck yeah. I'll take you up on that. What do you, what do you do for work, by the way?
- [81:23]
B
I'm a ski instructor. So yeah, over the summer I don't really have much going on.
- [81:29]
A
That's amazing. Okay, well, definitely taking you up on that.
- [81:33]
B
Cool.
- [81:34]
A
We love skiing.
- [81:35]
B
Awesome. So.
- [81:35]
A
And we got to get the, we got to get the kids learning. So my kids are.
- [81:39]
B
Give them lessons. Yeah.
- [81:41]
A
Heck yeah. We'll take you up on it. We got a five year old, a four year old, a two year old and a six month old. So it is bananas over.
- [81:50]
B
So the five and the four can definitely start pizza and French frying. You know the, the, the two in the six month might just want to, you know, hang out and build snowman, but the. Yeah. The five year old should be shredding by now. So you got to get them out there.
- [82:04]
A
All right, we'll get him.
- [82:06]
B
Well, cool. Thanks, man.
- [82:07]
A
A lot more conversations off the podcast to be had. Awesome skiing, some leaf peeping. Yeah, some good hangs. But grateful for you being on.
- [82:15]
B
Absolutely. Nice meeting you, Ryan.
- [82:17]
A
Yeah.