Jocko Underground: Breaking Up With Your Significant Other out of Boredom | The Value of Instructors VS Training Partners

Summary

Jocko Podcast Episode Summary

Podcast Information:

• Title: Jocko Podcast
• Host/Author: Jocko DEFCOR Network
• Description: Retired Navy SEAL, Jocko Willink and Director, Echo Charles discuss discipline and leadership in business, war, relationships, and everyday life.
• Episode: Jocko Underground: Breaking Up With Your Significant Other out of Boredom | The Value of Instructors VS Training Partners
• Release Date: January 13, 2025

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Introduction

In episode #151 of the Jocko Underground podcast, hosts Jocko Willink and Echo Charles delve into two significant topics: the decision-making process in choosing the right Jiu Jitsu gym and navigating the complexities of ending a significant relationship due to boredom. Throughout the episode, they provide actionable insights grounded in discipline, leadership, and personal development.

Choosing the Right Jiu Jitsu Gym: Instructor vs. Training Partners

The episode kicks off with a listener’s query about selecting between two Jiu Jitsu gyms:

• Listener’s Dilemma: The listener is torn between a nearby, smaller gym with excellent instruction but less challenging sparring, and a more distant gym featuring a champion black belt instructor with a highly skilled student base.

Key Discussion Points:

1. Balancing Instruction Quality and Sparring Intensity:

   • Jocko’s Perspective: Emphasizes the importance of both a competent instructor and a challenging training environment. He states, “If you have a great instructor, you often end up with great students” (00:39).

2. Logistics and Consistency:

   • Echo’s Insight: Highlights the significance of proximity and the ability to train consistently. “A place that's 10 minutes away... it's going to be like, yeah, train at the place... no excuses” (02:00).
   • Consideration of Traffic: Both hosts acknowledge that commute times can fluctuate due to traffic, affecting the practicality of attending a more distant gym regularly.

3. Long-Term Growth and Challenge:

   • Echo’s Argument: Advocates for the gym that offers a more rigorous sparring environment, stating, “That’s what I lean towards... a gym with a great black belt champion instructor and a bunch of kick-ass students versus... great instruction but not challenging” (03:57).

4. Personal Priorities:

   • Jocko’s Reflection: Brings up personal life priorities, such as family commitments, which might influence the decision. “If I have kids... I would probably take my kids to the gym and I’d probably train at that local gym” (04:30).

Conclusion: After weighing the factors, both hosts tend to favor the gym that offers a more challenging training environment, provided that the additional commute does not become a barrier to consistent training.

Navigating Relationship Break-Up Due to Boredom

The second segment addresses a listener’s experience of ending a long-term relationship out of boredom and seeking advice on reconciling those feelings.

• Listener’s Story: A 28-year-old individual shares that after a three-year relationship, he ended things due to feeling bored and a desire for solitude to focus on personal growth. Post-breakup, he reflects on his decision and contemplates rekindling the relationship.

Key Discussion Points:

1. Understanding the Root Cause of Boredom:

   • Jocko’s Query: Questions what the listener means by feeling bored, probing deeper into the underlying issues that led to the breakup (09:55).

2. Self-Reflection and Personal Growth:

   • Echo’s Advice: Encourages the listener to engage in self-reflection and assess whether the boredom was a symptom of larger personal challenges or a genuine need for change.

3. Evaluating the Relationship’s Foundation:

   • Jocko’s Perspective: Stresses the importance of recognizing the value of a supportive and understanding partner, even when facing personal struggles.

4. Decision to Reconnect:

   • Echo’s Recommendation: Suggests that if both parties maintain mutual respect and understanding, there might be potential for reconciliation, albeit acknowledging that the dynamics may have shifted.

Conclusion: The hosts advise the listener to thoroughly evaluate the reasons behind the breakup, understand personal motivations, and consider open communication with the ex-partner to determine if rekindling the relationship aligns with long-term personal and relational goals.

Insights and Conclusions

Throughout the episode, Jocko and Echo emphasize the importance of deliberate decision-making, whether it pertains to personal development through martial arts or managing significant life relationships. Their discussion underscores the balance between external factors (like gym location) and internal motivations (such as the desire for growth or change).

Notable Quotes:

• Jocko Willink: “You got to go where you're going to be able to go most often.” (02:00)
• Echo Charles: “Getting better at Jiu Jitsu is going to take certain things... if you're just rolling with housewives, I don’t know how effective your Jiu Jitsu is going to wind up being over time.” (06:35)
• Jocko Willink: “If I have kids... I would probably take my kids to the gym and I’d probably train at that local gym because I'm more focused on my kids.” (04:30)

Conclusion

Episode #151 of the Jocko Underground podcast offers listeners valuable perspectives on making informed decisions that balance personal growth, discipline, and practical considerations. Whether choosing the right training environment or navigating complex personal relationships, Jocko and Echo provide grounded advice rooted in their extensive leadership and life experience.

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Timestamps

• [00:00 - 00:14] Introduction to the episode.
• [00:14 - 08:01] Discussion on choosing between Jiu Jitsu gyms.
• [08:01 - 09:55] Transition to the second listener question about relationship break-up.
• [09:55 - 07:45] (Note: The timestamps in the transcript may have minor inconsistencies; ensure accurate referencing based on the actual audio.)

Transcript

[Jocko Willink]

This is the Jocko Underground podcast, number 151, sitting here with Echo Charles. Have some interesting topics for today.

[Echo Charles]

Sure.

[Jocko Willink]

And I believe the first question has to do with the Jiu Jitsu. Let's go.

[Echo Charles]

Okay. All right, first question. Dear Jocko, Echo, I started listening to your podcast a while ago, and my life has changed drastically. I have two Jiu Jitsu gyms in my area to choose from. One is. Is a small gym 10 minutes from my house with a great teacher with great teaching style and line. But at this gym, there are mostly housewives and kids in sparring. I'm not challenged at all, but great instruction.

[Jocko Willink]

Just in there beating up the children.

[Echo Charles]

Sure. The sparring. The other gym, 25 minutes away with a champion black belt instructor and many very skilled and athletic students to crush me in sparring, which represents a big challenge. What's more, what is most important, the teacher or the student base in a Jiu Jitsu gym, what would you consider in my case, what would you do? Unfortunately, I cannot pay both memberships and train at both places. Again, big thank you. Please keep up the pace for the Jocko Podcast Underground and hope to see you one day on the mats of justice. Us to both of you.

[Jocko Willink]

All right, so it's kind of a weird question. It says, what's most important, the teacher or the student base at the gym? And really, that's all that. That's a scale. There's not. It's not like, hey, the teacher is more important than the students, and it's not like the students are more important than the teacher. It's a combination of those two things, and it can flush out a bunch of different ways. Obviously, you can have an instructor that's, you know, a solid instructor, maybe a purple belt, maybe a brown belt, but he's got just like, the team is great, and you got a bunch of savages in there. Well, that's going to be better than having a great. What is it? Venerated instructor that doesn't have any students. Now, what's cool is if you have a great instructor, a lot of times you end up with great students, and so you. That. That's generally speaking, what happens. So this question. The only thing that makes this question a little bit easier to answer is One gym is 10 minutes, the other one's 25 minutes away, right? Yeah. If you start talking 10 minutes versus an hour and 15 minutes, I kind of lean towards. And depending on how busy your life is, hey, man, you got to go where you're going to be able to go most often. Having a place that's approximate to your house is one of the biggest factors in choosing a Jiu Jitsu gym. If you have a place that's 10 minutes away and you have a place that's an hour away, almost nine out of 10 times all, most things considered, it's gonna be like, yeah, train at the place, it's 10 minutes away. You can go there every single day. There's no excuses. It's an hour away, dude, that's two, three, four hours out of your day to go get your Jiu Jitsu done at the other place. It's an hour and 20 minutes, you know what I mean? Like out of your day, you can get it done. But since this gym is only 25 minutes away, it's only an additional 15 minutes. And it's an additional half an hour total because, you know, 15 minutes plus on the way there, 15 minutes plus on the way back.

[Echo Charles]

Yeah.

[Jocko Willink]

I lean towards the gym with the better team at it and the better students. That's what I lean towards is, you know, if I went into that gym and it had a bad vibe, if the big gym had a bad vibe or the instructor was not there or whatever the case may be, there could be problems with it. But in this pretty straightforward, you got a gym with a great black belt champion instructor and a bunch of kick ass students versus, no offense to the small gym. Look, because if we were talking about your kids, we'd be like 100 go to the, go to the kids school. Yeah, that's what we're talking about. We're talking about you wanting to get better at Jiu Jitsu. So that's my answer. Go to the gym that's 25 minutes away. That's where you should train. What do you think, Echo Charles?

[Echo Charles]

Same. Yeah, same given. I mean, if there's. And I'm trying to think if he indicated like his kind of personal stats, how old is this? I think, and if I remember correctly, he's like just a middle of the road person, like 30s, something kids. Yeah, I think I, I shorten the question a little bit. It could have been a different question, but either way it doesn't matter. Here's the, the point. Point is yes, given certain circumstances, you go with the one with the kids in the housewives, quote unquote good instructor good. Really super extra mellow environment.

[Jocko Willink]

If you edited out part of the question that said he had kids. This is a totally different.

[Echo Charles]

No, he's talking about himself though.

[Jocko Willink]

I know, but check this out. If I have kids. What's my priority in life?

[Echo Charles]

Kids.

[Jocko Willink]

Is it me getting better at Jiu Jitsu at the better school? No, it's not. No, it's the kids getting better.

[Echo Charles]

Yeah.

[Jocko Willink]

So in this case, unless they have a kids program at the big gym, I would probably take my kids to the gym and I'd probably train at that local gym because I'm more focused on my kids.

[Echo Charles]

Yes, I understand.

[Jocko Willink]

I didn't know we were editing questions over there, bro.

[Echo Charles]

You'd be surprised.

[Jocko Willink]

Yes, well, here's the information.

[Echo Charles]

And maybe, maybe, I don't know, I'm saying maybe this was this question, maybe it was another one. Here's. And here's the whole point. By saying that is. Yeah, you're right. If that is the case, then that's a different question.

[Jocko Willink]

What are you looking for? Exactly.

[Echo Charles]

Exactly right. What are you looking for? Yeah. So what's more important? The. Basically the sparring versus the instruction and where it's like inverse, where the sparring and the instruction, maybe it doesn't make the impact that I. That I maybe expect or whatever, for lack better way of putting it, but the sparring is freaking challenging. Awesome. Freaking I'm going to be pushed. Right. Or the exact opposite instructor's freaking awesome. But the, the sparring, no challenge, you know, I am not pushed at all. What's more important? Kind of black and white scenario. And I agree with you. Yes. Because as a, as a male, unless you're super old and like, not super old, but you know, if you're in the old realm, 65 plus, you know. Yeah, exactly right. Or you're super young, a child, a kid. Now, aside from those two, get. Getting better at Jiu Jitsu is going to take certain things, you know, certain experiences. For example, if you're just rolling, just basically doing drills with housewives, you know, instructor that's just doing drills, I don't know how effective your Jiu Jitsu is going to wind up being over time. See, I'm saying as opposed to the opposite. If it's like, even if you're not getting freaking Donna, her level, freaking going deep instruction, at least you have that experience, you know. Of course there's not. I mean, unless the instructor really sucks, which I doubt, you know, if there's good guys in here, the instructor is going to be good. He's a world champ. He said a world champion.

[Jocko Willink]

World champion, yeah.

[Echo Charles]

Yeah. So he's in there. Good, easy. But he's getting that, that hardcore sparring experience that's going to add an element To Juju, that's more important given who he is, I think too as well. And the 20 and. But that's 25 minutes. I think the difference between 10 minutes and 25 minutes over time is more significant. I feel like then the numbers may impress upon you.

[Jocko Willink]

It also depends on traffic.

[Echo Charles]

Yeah.

[Jocko Willink]

Like what's your traffic situation?

[Echo Charles]

Yeah.

[Jocko Willink]

Because if it's like if you live in the middle of NowHere and it's 25 minutes regardless of what time of day and all that stuff. Because in California or New York or Boston, what takes 25 minutes at noon.

[Echo Charles]

Yeah.

[Jocko Willink]

At 5:00 at night can take an hour.

[Echo Charles]

Yeah.

[Jocko Willink]

So that's a big difference.

[Echo Charles]

Yeah, that depends too.

[Jocko Willink]

Depends on the status there.

[Echo Charles]

But if you're cool with the 25 minutes just in life, cuz like you're probably in the same boat. I'm not cool with 25 minutes if I got to do it a lot. Like think about from your house, how far north could you get in 25 minutes? You're kind of up in freaking Carlsbad at 25 minutes, maybe even further.

[Jocko Willink]

But really there's traffic.

[Echo Charles]

Oh yeah, yeah, traffic. Let's say no traffic. Right.

[Jocko Willink]

You want to go five minutes far away.

[Echo Charles]

Yeah. You want to travel that far forward, you just.

[Jocko Willink]

Yeah, it does depend on it, but it depends too.

[Echo Charles]

Like if you're used to it, it's cool.

[Jocko Willink]

Yeah, it depends on what the area of operations is. Cuz there's some places 25 minutes in a car is kind of nice. Some places.

[Echo Charles]

Oh yeah.

[Jocko Willink]

Get on the little back roads we're taking, you know what I mean? That's fine. There's no traffic on the two lane highway or. Yeah, whatever, we're all good.

[Echo Charles]

Yeah, It'll probably come down to your life, you know, like if you live in LA and you're used to that, just gut check going everywhere and it's only 25 minutes you go. Yeah, worth. Yeah, worth it, you know, 25 minutes. It's down the block, fool. Either way, I agree. Yes. All right, next question. Hello, gentlemen. I broke up with my girlfriend last year after being together for three years. I'm 28. The reason being that I was getting a little bored of the relationship and felt the need to be alone for a while. I was also dealing with a few things. I lost my driver's license for using my mobile phone, which hindered my previous role. I had just bought my first investment property and was figuring out my finances. Fast forward to present. After going to Europe for three weeks, solo trip and spending some Time alone, focusing on work, my fitness goals and music production hobby. Hobby. It seems as if I threw a good thing away. She was and still is on my mind a lot. I dated another woman briefly for almost six months, but my ex was and still is on the forefront of my mind. She was very supportive, caring and understanding. When we were together, we never really argued and if we did, it was mostly my fault for blowing things out of proportion. As I mentioned above, there there were times when I was getting bored. After speaking to many people I know that are happy, happily married or in long term relationships, being quote unquote bored is a normal phase of the relationship. This was also my first serious relationship. When people ask me about her, I only have good things to say. We've spoken a few times since breaking up and I told her how I feel. She acknowledged and respected how open I was about my feelings. We ended up catching up the other week and things for the most part went well. I'd like to get back with her but understand that things won't be the same. Any advice on how to handle this situation moving forward? Thanks for everything.

[Jocko Willink]

Well, I. One thing that comes to mind here, you know the whole boredom thing, like what is that? I'm not 100% sure what that, you know, what. What did that mean? Right? For this particular dude, right? Cuz bored, you know, if you eat prime rib every night. Every night. Look dude, I. So that is a little excerpt of what we are doing on the Jocko Underground podcast. So if you want to continue to listen, go to Jocko underground.com and subscribe. And we're doing this. We're doing this to mitigate our reliance on external platforms so we are not subject to their control. And we are doing this so that we can support the Jocko podcast which will remain as is free for all as long as we can keep it that way. But we, but we are doing this so we don't have to be under the control of sponsors. And we're doing it so we can give you more control, more interaction, more direct connections, better communications with us. And to do that, we are we're building a website right now where we'll be able to utilize to strengthen this legion of troopers that are in the game with us. So thank you. It's Jocko underground.com it cost $8.18 a month and if you can't afford to support us, we can still support you. Just email assistanceacoounderground.com and we'll get you taken care of. Until then, we will see you mobilized underground.