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Jocko Underground: How to Get Your Wife on The Path | Wife Won't Let Me Be The Man of The House
00:15:39
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- [00:01]
Jocko Willink
This is the Jocko Underground podcast number two zero one sitting here with Echo Charles. We have received questions from you, the troopers out in the field and we will respond with answers, recommendations or courses of action that may help you make good decisions and move forward or all three on the path.
- [00:25]
Echo Charles
Okay, first question. Hey Jocko. Echo. I've been with my wife now for 11 years, since freshman year of high school. We've been married for two years and have a nine month old. I found the path in college and have rarely strayed since. My wife can get on the path for short bursts, but often sizzles out, means fizzles out before seeing real motivational results. I've been trying to trust, respect, influence and care for a few years now. But this has often led to miss my goals, workouts and lose heads of steam versus bringing her up. If I bring up the slightest hint of this, this subject, it often, it's often met with so you're saying I need to work out more attitude. I understand. I've tried leading by example without being too hard charging. I have also tried doing things with her, with her at her pace, like pickleball and walks, etc. If she doesn't have the same goals as me, I get it. But it has come to the point where I get judged for waking up early to get to the gym before, before family is is up because my alarm disrupts her sleep, saying she wishes I could just spend time with her in the morning. Then I do that, workouts get missed and I feel like I'm setting a bad example. What are the next steps of influence? When a person disregards all potential, they have to make a difference. Thanks for the constant advice and motivation.
- [01:56]
Jocko Willink
Well, I'm glad you mentioned trust. Listen, respect, influence and care because we definitely want to have a good relationship with our spouse that's the mother of our child. You know, I think, I think broadly speaking, I would be trying to get things done that I need to get done and I would give her space, right? Dude, she's got a nine month old, she's tired, like she's got a lot of things going on. What can you do? How can you give her some space? Can you get a vibrating alarm that you wear on your wrist? It doesn't wake her up when you get up in the morning.
- [02:24]
Echo Charles
Yeah, that's good.
- [02:25]
Jocko Willink
People have always asked me like, you know, don't you wake up your wife? No, I have the blessing that my wife is a heavy sleeper and she just, she gets up pretty early now. But back in the Day, like, she would just sleep through, you know, and I would. I would shut my alarm off quick or whatever.
- [02:42]
Echo Charles
Yeah.
- [02:42]
Jocko Willink
Maybe it's a vibrating watch or a vibrating pillow or some. Some way. Like, how can we give her space and then let's not talk about it all the time. Right? You got to give her some space. Get the workouts done when she doesn't really know it, you know what I'm saying? And then spend time with her in the morning. That's what we want to do. It sounds like the trust, listen, respect, influence, care, they're kind of outbound right now, you know what I mean? You're on send mode instead of receive. Like, receive some of this stuff. How can you. And I. I get it. You did the pickleball thing like, you know, you did the walks. Letting her influence what the workout's going to be. But even those things, you know, if you, if you label it as a workout, it, dude, it doesn't, it doesn't help. You know what I'm saying? If you put that label on it in her mind, it's. It's a workout.
- [03:32]
Echo Charles
Yeah.
- [03:32]
Jocko Willink
Is not. Not what she wants to be doing. So you might have to stretch that a little bit more. I have to figure out what she really wants to do. Maybe she wants to, you know, go to a movie with you. Maybe she wants to play a board game with you. Maybe she wants to go bird watching with you. I don't know. But let's go beyond something that has to be a physical thing and, you know, anything that we can do to stretch her thing to make it into a workout, like pickleball. All right, so that's just. That's kind of not really being influenced by her. I don't mean this how I mean it how it's gonna sound, but like, do the workout stuff kind of behind her back, you know what I'm saying? Not, not like a thing, not sneaking around, but like kind of behind her backwards, you know, It's. She barely even notices that it's going.
- [04:23]
Echo Charles
Down on your own time.
- [04:24]
Jocko Willink
Yeah. There's a bunch of things that could be happening here. Right? She, like, most people are a little bit intimidated slash guilty slash jealous about someone else getting after it. We all are. Do you ever, like, you're. Whatever. For whatever reason you're doing something early in the morning, something not physical and like, let's say you had to drive to work early in the morning one day and it's 4 o' clock in the morning, you're going to catch a flight and as you're leaving, someone's running. You know what I'm saying?
- [05:01]
Echo Charles
Yeah, I know.
- [05:02]
Jocko Willink
Someone's out on a run. Yeah. And you go, dang, dude like you, if you didn't. If you didn't proactively say respect. Yeah. You reactively would say, what the hell is wrong with that guy? What I'm saying, get a life. Jealousy. A little jealousy, A little. Little intimidation, a little guilt. So. And this is you and me, bro. We work out a lot, you know, and we still get that little bit of twang. So. So. So for someone that's, you know, just had a kid nine months ago and is trying to keep life together, maybe wasn't that physical before, and now she sees the dude running in the morning. What's wrong with that guy? It's really a little bit of intimidation. It's a little bit of guilt. So we need to kind of massage her through those feelings because they're there slowly on board is a plan, Right. Well, can you do stuff? What? Can you do stuff with the baby? You know, like, even going for walks with the baby. Those. Those kids fall asleep in the rock in the thing, Right? We have to let her find the path on her own. We have to let people find the path on their own. We cannot force them on the path. We can't force feed them the discipline because they will throw it up all day long. When you force feed people discipline, they hate it. They hate it. Look, they already kind of hate it when they force feed it themselves. When they voluntarily drink discipline, they already don't like it. Kind of. Right. They might like their feeling afterward. They might like the results if they can think strategic for a little bit of time. But most of the time they're just like, no, dude, I don't want this to taste bad to me right now. And therefore, I don't want it. What do you got for a home gym? Again, this is kind of violating what I talked about of, like, doing things kind of behind her back, but have you talked about a home gym? Have you maybe thrown a little, you know, a stair stepper in the garage with a squat rack? You know what I mean? Where, like, hey, just. Just make it a little bit easier. Make it a little bit, you know, even for you. You said you got to go to the gym in the morning. Waking up early to get to the gym, to get the gym in before. So I don't know how far you have to drive to the gym, but it is probably at least 8 minutes, maybe even 17 minutes to get to the Gym, by the way, you got to park, you got to walk in through the door. You got to show your past, you got to go into the thing, you got to get your clothes on. There's a bunch of things that are going on and that, that's going to take. I think minimum transition time from home to gym is probably minimum 40 minutes. What do you think?
- [07:39]
Echo Charles
Yeah, I mean, depends on where the gym is.
- [07:41]
Jocko Willink
Yeah. I mean, unless it's around the corner.
- [07:43]
Echo Charles
Yeah, it can be 40 minutes for sure.
- [07:45]
Jocko Willink
Yeah. So 40 minutes by, by the way, 40 minutes, you're done with your workout. If you have a home gym, she's done.
- [07:49]
Echo Charles
Yeah.
- [07:52]
Jocko Willink
Here's another big thing. Habits instead of goals, right? Habits instead of goals. Meaning. And this is the opposite of what a lot of people say, like you need to set goals, right? You need to. I need to lose weight or I need to get toned or I need to whatever. Because she, he mentioned that, like, she sizzles out before she sees the, the, the results, right? So instead of saying, like, here's what you need to achieve, just say no. It's just about today. It's just about doing it. It's just about feeling good today. Phil, let's feel, let's go for a walk, you know, oh, I got done. Do you want to, do you want to put. Let's get the baby in the stroller. Let's go for a quick, you know, little round the block, by the way, let's do, you know, like, what can you do where we're just doing a little something today? Make it about the daily habit instead of these long term goals, which you know is like, when you say it, she does it for short bursts. If the short burst, she's gonna feel good when she does a short burst. But then she looks at the mirror in three weeks and she goes, dude, I've been getting up early every day. I don't see any difference. So then why do it? So instead let's focus on, oh, yeah, didn't you feel good today? Didn't you feel better today? Hey, thanks for spending time with me. Hey, that was cool to go for a walk with the kid. Like, you make it about the, about the, about the, the effort and the process instead of the outcome. So that's another thing. By the way, all this might take a long time. You've been married for two years. Wow. Your, your marriage and your relationship is going to go through all these different phases and it's going to take a while to figure out how to make all this work. It's no big deal. No big deal at all. But you got to play the strategic long game. You think you're going to change your wife overnight, you're not. You're not going to change your wife overnight. You're not even going to change her in a month. You're not going to change her in six months. But you're going to look up in eight years. And she might be working out more than you. Right. I don't know. So you have the rest of your life to get this figured out. And I would take and focus on backing off, listening more, doing stuff not in her face. Make. Let's focus on habits and daily things that we can do together that are kind of fun, that have nothing to no inkling of. I mean, I literally, if you can get her to do knitting with you for 40 minutes a day right now, I would do that to start with. Or improv. Let's do improv game. Or let's play a board game, whatever. The thing is chess. Let's do chess dot com. Do something that's just. And let's just start getting. Let's just start building things that we're going to do together that are going to be fun. And eventually. And by the way, those things are primarily her things. And then eventually we get to add in something and then we can add in whatever. We add in a little something. Make. Let her find the path on her own. You can kind of like put a couple crumbs out on the trail, but you can't grab her by the arm and pull her down the trail. She's going to resist. But you put some crumbs out occasionally. Not, not big, like giant crumbs, not little cupcakes where she's like, oh, I see what this is. Yeah, no, don't do that. Just let her find the path on her own. That's what we're doing.
- [11:24]
Echo Charles
Yeah, you're. You're right about that thing where essentially make the process enjoyable. I wouldn't even see it as a pro. I don't know, everybody's different, different relationships. I get it or whatever. But he said something like really quick where he was like, if she has. If she doesn't have the same goals, I get it. So it's kind of like almost like it's this foregone conclusion that she has, like goals with fitness. Not everybody's like that, bro. Like, I think sometimes we. We have this vision of like, oh, yeah, my wife or my. Whoever, my kids, whatever, they're gonna get on the path with Me, because I know the value of the path. And you know, once I get them to see that, oh, man, there, sky's the limit for them, you know, kind of a thing. And you know, it, it seems like our hearts are in the right place when we think that or whatever, but. Right. Some people, the idea of like a gym, like I go to, let's say I go to Target, which I did. And I see some. And you know how you, you know when you're a kid, you walk down aisles and sections and stuff. You want to go to the toy section or the candy section? Me, I'm walking down the aisle, I see this aisle of dumbbells. Yeah, I have dumbbells at my house, by the way. A full set.
- [12:30]
Jocko Willink
Yeah, I see dumbbells up to 120s.
- [12:32]
Echo Charles
120S, yeah, I see. And these only went up to like 40.
- [12:36]
Jocko Willink
Yeah, yeah.
- [12:37]
Echo Charles
And I'm still stopping, I'm looking, I'm browsing. But to me that's like, that's my, you know, like interests or whatever. And I was with my son. He was into it too. But, bruh, some people, they're gonna be like, bro, why are we here? Like those dumbbells? In fact, I'd rather not look at dumbbells because just like how you said, sometimes it can reflect a little bit of guilt or something like this or, like I said, it's just not their thing. Don't assume she has these fitness goals that just, they're just different than yours. Yep. So I, I'd. I guess this is a bad example, but nonetheless. So I joined the 24 Hour Fitness, you know, when I moved here, San Diego, you know, I go join my gym or whatever, and the guy's like, oh, cool. Hey, what are your fitness goals? I'm like, bro, I don't have fitness goals. I just want to freaking lift. Like, Brad, leave me alone. Yeah, stop with the whole goals thing, you know? Or like, like let's say you open, you know, you move to a new town, you open a bank account, we'll just say, because you need a banker, right? You need checking account. That's kind of what we're doing. And you're, let's say a 20 year old kid, whatever, moderately squared away, we'll say. And the guys goes, hey, so what are your financial goals? Like, I don't have financial goals right now. Leave me alone with that stuff. Right. Look, I might find that in the, in the future, 100%, you know, and you know, when I change my mind, I'm glad or whatever. But get off my back about these financial goals, I'm saying. Yeah, so I'm just saying we. Like when you start treating your wife like that, like, no, no, no, you need to do this, you know, and then, you know, like, if you don't, you're kind of, you know, it's like a bad thing or whatever. But I think that's kind of the wrong direction.
- [14:02]
Jocko Willink
So I was with my daughter, Coach Rana.
- [14:04]
Echo Charles
Yeah, yeah.
- [14:04]
Jocko Willink
She was Jiu Jitsu competition this weekend, and she loves Jiu Jitsu. Have you ever watched her train Jiu Jitsu? Seen pictures of her? She's in the middle of a crazy match. You got a big smile on her face. She absolutely love. So that is a little excerpt of what we are doing on the Jocko Underground podcast. So if you want to continue to listen, go to Jocko underground.com and subscribe. And we're doing this. We're doing this to mitigate our reliance on external platforms so we are not subject to their control. And we are doing this so that we can support the Jocko podcast, which will remain as is free for all as long as we can keep it that way. But we. But we are doing this so we don't have to be under the control of sponsors, and we're doing it so we can give you more control, more interaction, more direct connections, better communications with us. And to do that, we are. We're building a website right now where we'll be able to utilize to strengthen this legion of troopers that are in the game with us. So thank you. It's Jocko underground.com it costs $8.18 a month. And if you can't afford to support us, we can still support you. Just email assistanceclenderground.com and we'll get you taken care of. Until then, we will see you mobilized Underground.