Jocko Underground: Is My Girlfriend Abusing Me?

Summary

Jocko Underground Podcast Episode 149: "Is My Girlfriend Abusing Me?"

Release Date: December 30, 2024
Host: Jocko Willink
Guest: Echo Charles

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Introduction

In episode 149 of the Jocko Underground Podcast, host Jocko Willink sits down with Echo Charles to address a poignant and emotionally charged question from a listener. The episode delves deep into the complexities of relationships strained by mental health challenges, exploring themes of discipline, leadership, and personal well-being within intimate partnerships.

Listener’s Dilemma

The episode opens with a heartfelt message from a 32-year-old male listener who has been in a three-year relationship. Initially, his relationship was harmonious, characterized by mutual love, shared values, and individual successes. However, after his girlfriend moved in with him a year and a half ago, her mental health issues began to resurface and intensify. The listener describes a deteriorating environment marked by frequent verbal outbursts, accusations, and emotional instability from his girlfriend.

Key Points from the Listener:

• Initial Relationship Dynamics: Beautiful, driven, loyal partner with controlled mental health issues.
• Change After Cohabitation: Cessation of therapy, resurgence of bipolar and borderline personality disorder tendencies.
• Current Challenges: Weekly mental breakdowns, verbal abuse, inconsistent apologies, and promises of change that cycle back to dysfunction.
• Attempts at Resolution: Efforts to re-engage in therapy for both individual and couple sessions have been unsuccessful, leading to increased frustration and emotional strain.

Jocko’s Response

Jocko provides a candid and unfiltered perspective on the situation, emphasizing the long-term implications of remaining in a relationship marked by such instability.

Notable Quotes:

• "This is not going to go well." [02:24]
• "She needs protocols, she needs medicine, she needs a professional." [02:24]
• "If you're so head over heels in love with her... I would require at a minimum five years of totally normal behavior from her." [02:24]

Jocko’s Key Insights:

• Long-Term Commitment Considerations: Highlighting the significance of choosing a life partner wisely, given the potential long-term challenges.
• Impact of Mental Health on Relationships: Acknowledges the seriousness of mental health issues but underscores the necessity of stability and mutual support in a partnership.
• Practicality Over Emotion: Advises prioritizing personal well-being and the sustainability of the relationship over emotional attachment, especially when faced with recurring negative behavior.
• Setting Boundaries: Emphasizes the importance of not tolerating verbal abuse and recognizing when a relationship becomes detrimental to one’s quality of life.

Echo Charles Adds Perspective

Echo Charles echoes Jocko's sentiments, reinforcing the notion that entering into marriage or a long-term partnership requires a foundation of stability and mutual support. She underscores the potential risks of continuing a relationship that is progressively worsening, especially when one partner's mental health issues are not adequately managed.

Conclusion and Recommendations

Jocko and Echo converge on the following recommendations for the listener:

1. Prioritize Personal Well-being: Recognize the importance of a healthy and respectful relationship dynamic.
2. Seek Professional Help: While the listener has attempted to engage in therapy, it's crucial for the girlfriend to commit to consistent and effective mental health treatment.
3. Establish Clear Boundaries: Understand that enduring verbal abuse is unacceptable and can have long-term negative effects.
4. Consider Long-Term Viability: Reflect on whether the relationship can realistically meet the demands of a lifelong partnership, especially given the current challenges.
5. Make Difficult Decisions: Be prepared to move on if the relationship continues to deteriorate despite sincere efforts to improve it.

Final Thoughts

The episode serves as a candid exploration of the challenges that arise when mental health struggles intersect with intimate relationships. Jocko and Echo provide a balanced view that respects the listener's emotional investment while advocating for personal integrity and well-being. Their advice encourages listeners to make tough but necessary decisions to foster healthy, sustainable relationships.

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For more insights and discussions on leadership, discipline, and personal growth, visit JockoUnderground.com and subscribe to the podcast.

Transcript

[A]

This is the Jocko Underground podcast number 149, sitting here with Echo Charles. We have some interesting and important questions from the troopers today. Opening up with a little bit of a doozy. Let's rock and roll.

[B]

Okay, first question. Thank you for everything you do. The positive impact on my life for the last 8 years is immeasurable. I'm 32 year old male and have been with my girlfriend for three years. The first year and a half was amazing and I thought for sure she was the girl I was going to marry. She's beautiful, driven, loyal and we share so many important values. I knew she had mental health issues in the past including bipolar and borderline personality disorder tendencies and self harm. It seems she was keeping all that under control with regular therapy and coping mechanisms that she had learned. She was functional, successful, sweet, intelligent and loving person. A year and a half ago she moved in with me and things began to change. She stopped going to therapy because life got quote unquote too busy and she was doing so and she was doing so well. Her mental health issues began resurfacing and have escalated ever since. She is often still all the things I fell in love with her for, but now almost weekly she has had she has a mental mental breakdown where she is unhappy with everything in her life, including me. She sometimes screams at me, tells me she's done with me and insults me. I try to take ownership and attempt to do what I can to make her feel better. Later she apologizes, feels guilty, calls herself crazy, tells me I'm the most understanding, best guy ever and can't wait for me to propose to her. I usually forgive her quickly, but then it happens again. She thinks that if I propose she will feel more secure and stop this pattern. But she also says she has always been like this and always will, but I can't accept that because she wasn't. For the first year and a half I've tried getting her back into therapy, both individually and as a couple. Both therapists upset her and she quit. They made her feel worse about herself and like they were ganging up on her, quote unquote. I don't want to give up on her, but I can't live the rest of my life with someone yelling and insulting me. I'm not perfect, but I remain kind to her and do not yell back at her and I try to make changes to help the things she says she's unhappy with. What do you guys think?

[A]

You're right. You can't live the rest of your life with a Person yelling and insulting you. Well, actually, let me rephrase that. You can, but it's going to be miserable. I'm fairly certain that one of, if not the most important decision that you're going to make in your life as a human is who you're gonna get married to. This is a person you're gonna be with for what, 50 years, maybe 60 years, something like that. You got to deal with them every day. You got all kinds of little decisions we're making as a team. We got strategies and tactics we're going to employ to live, go through the whole thing. Financial fitness, what's for dinner. This woman has issues that you are going to bring into your world for the rest of your life. And that is very. That's not good. That's. It's a, it's, it's a, it's a nightmare, man. Honestly, I have seen like this. This isn't going to end well, right? And I feel very sorry. I'm sorry that, you know, I'm, I'm. Is this cold? You know what I mean? Am I, I'm sorry that I'm a little bit cold and a little bit like, lacking empathy. But I'm going to tell you, this is not going to go well. All right? If there was something we could do, if there's some way we could get her help, I would, you know, help her out. Like, you know, but I can't help her out. You can't help her out. She needs like five years of uninterrupted squared away behavior before I would consider marrying her. I, I actually wouldn't consider marrying her. But if you're, if you are so. If you are so, like, totally head over heels in love with her and you care about her so much, then I would say, yep, I definitely want to stick with you. I need five continuous straight years uninterrupted of you being a squared away awesome human. Then I'll start to date you as if we might get married in the future. And you're, you're 32 years old, so the clock is ticking, by the way. Marriage is stressful for most people. Money, house rent, jobs, throw kids into the mix because they're coming. And what's going on with kids now you got this whole freaking thing. Kids are a huge, like, disruptor of life, especially when you're young. I remember, you know, when my kids were babies and I'm like, wow, like, this is stressful for me. I don't get stressed out about anything. But like, you have a sick kid. Or a screaming child. Like, it's stressful for someone that's very good at dealing with stress. I can't imagine if I'm someone that has bipolar and borderline personality disorder tendencies and self harm. You want a life partner that can and will help the situation. You don't want one that needs help, that. You don't want one that's going to drain resources. You want one that's going to add resources. And you know, this woman, she needs help, she needs protocols, she needs medicine, she needs a professional. And so I. This is just a bad scenario, man. I'm really, I, I feel for her. I'm sure it's very difficult for her. I'm sure that, you know, it's really hard. And it sounds like she has a lot of potential when she's doing the right things, but when she's not doing the right things and now you're, now your life is destroyed because of it. It's just bad. It's bad. So my advice here is wish her luck, be very nice to her and move on. And like I said, if you really, really feel that this is the girl that you want to sacrifice your life for and possibly ruin your life and ruin the lives of your future children, then I would require at a minimum five years of totally normal behavior from her. And then I would, then I would put her in the mix for consideration. And I'm sorry that I'm being cold, but that's where we're at.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It feels like if you're trying to maximize a happy life with a, you know, life partner, wife, family, etc, this is not currently the ingredients for that. Red flag too, is that it's getting like, worse, like measurably worse in the relationship, you know, and then it's like, oh, yeah, let's get married, you know?

[A]

Yeah. If she was like, oh, you know, I used to have these issues and I was, you know, I had these problems in the past and, you know, then I. That is a little excerpt of what we are doing on the Jocko Underground podcast. So if you want to continue to listen, go to Jocko underground.com and subscribe. And we're doing this to mitigate our reliance on external platforms so we are not subject to their control. And we are doing this so that we can support the Jocko podcast, which will remain as is free for all as long as we can keep it that way. But we are doing this so we don't have to be under the control of sponsors. And we're doing it so we can give you more control, more interaction, more direct connections, better communications with us. And to do that, we are, we're building a website right now where we'll be able to utilize to strengthen this legion of troopers that are in the game with us. So thank you. It's Jocko. Underground.com. it cost $8.18 a month. And if you can't afford to support us, we can still support you. Just email assistance at jockounderground. Com and we'll get you taken care of. Until then, we will see you mobilized Underground.