Loading summary
Transcript2 lines
- [00:00]
A
This is me, Craig Ferguson. I'm inviting you to come and see my brand new comedy hour. Well, it's actually, it's about an hour and a half and I don't have an opener because these guys cost money. But what I'm saying is I'll be on stage for a while anyway. Come and see me live on the Pants on Fire tour in your region. Tickets are on sale now and we'll be adding more as the Tour continues throughout 2025 and beyond. For a full list of dates, go to thecraigfergusonshow.com See you on the road, my dears.
- [00:32]
B
Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Joy Podcast. My name is Craig Ferguson. I am your host for today's podcast and I'm also your guest. Well, you're the guest obviously, in the podcast today because what's happening is. Don't know if you've been following this podcast recently, but it's a little. It's called. It's really. I think it's developing into a podcast called the Joy of Coffee Time Chat. Because we're really having coffee time chats because I'm on the road working and I'm in various different towns doing different things. And so I have been doing coffee, but I can't get guests. I can't. But I can get guests. But I would have to do it on Zoom, and I don't like to do it on Zoom. I'm in all over the country and I suppose I could have guests on, like the guy who works in the gas station, which may be very interesting, but you know, you'd have to sit and talk to his agent and all that kind of stuff. And so the truth is, like, last week I was in Texas. Week before that I was in California. Week before that I was in London. The week before that, I was in New York. This week, my dear exciting friends, I am in Phoenix, Arizona. As you can tell from the hum in the background, by the way, is not the hum. I turned the air conditioning off in this room, so I apologize for the hum. I'm in a motel room and I feel like there's a hum going on in the background. It might just be me. I'm getting old. I might just hear humming or it might be a ghost, but what I can certainly hear is humming. And I think outside this room there's a giant air conditioning unit, and I would be pissy about it, but at the same time, it is Arizona and people need air conditioning. I don't have the air conditioning on in my room. And I'll tell you why. Because I don't like it. I don't like. I mean, obviously I love it. Sometimes it's really hard to go inside, but it makes me sound like I'm from Louisville. I take air conditioning and I say instead of Louisville, which is where. It's a long story, but that's how people from Louisville pronounce Louisville. They pronounce it. I told you this in the last podcast. I don't know why I'm telling you now. Anyway, I'm in Phoenix, Arizona, and the reason I'm here is that I'm going to the monster truck rally this weekend. I'm very excited about it. Anyway, look, more about that later. That's just one of the reasons I'm here is to do that. But just as a little kind of amuse bush, if you like, which is French for funny mouth. I don't know. Anyways, tweets and emails, segment of the show next week. By the way, I actually have a guest. I just want to trail that. I think next week my guest will be. Oh, stay there, I'll show you. Actually, not my guest, obviously, but I think my guest this week, if we can make it work, because I'm going to be in New York next week. Finally, my guest is going to be the gentleman that wrote this book, Salman Rushdie. Salman and I go way back to the old late night days where he was a frequent guest on the old late night show. One of the more hilarious and gifted conversationalists. A lovely man and a good sport. I don't know if you ever saw his turn on Curb youb Enthusiasm, but it was great. Anyway, excuse me a second, I just got to drink my coffee. Apparently in the comments section, by the way, people say. Now, full disclosure, I don't read the comment section if I don't read your question or your tweet. The reason I'm pointing over there is because they're on the computer over there. If I don't read your tweet or your comment on the show, I haven't read it because I learned some time ago that for the sake of mental health, do not read the comments. That's not for people who do violate that one. That's just anyone. Don't read them. Don't get involved in that, man. You need it. You need that in your life. Anyway. But apparently a lot of people say, because people. Tell me what people are saying. There's a lot of chat about me lifting the cup up, about to take a drink and then putting it back down, which I admit is a habit I have. I picked it up after I got sober. Before I get sober, if a glass or a cup or anything containing liquid got within a couple of feet of me, it was going down. But now it's a little bit different. Anyway, let me just reiterate. If you hear a humming sound in the background, it's not you, it's me. I think my room's next to a giant air conditioner. Or it could be just me hearing a humming sound. Anyway, tweets and emails. You're the guest on the show. You know how it works. If you've seen this before. If you don't, I feel like you can figure it out. People text or tweet or email me questions. I know tweet isn't a thing anymore, but you know, I'm an old man sitting my ways. They Twix me questions or they Instagram me or they send it to craig thecraigfergusonshow.com Ah. I went Ah. Like that because I was excited. I remembered it. Not just because I'm old. I think is the idea of suddenly when you're old, you start going. Which I did right there. I really admit that was my first one. I think maybe not. Leave me a comment. This is from Teresa from Brooklyn, New York, which I have to say is a lovely place. I imagine it wasn't always that way. People say that, but it is lovely now. And I live in Manhattan and one of my favorite walks is to walk down the east side of Manhattan and walk over the Williamsburg Bridge into Brooklyn. There's a great bike and it's amazing Vista. It's just amazing. If you ever get a chance to do that in New York, have a crack at it. Walk over the Williamsburg, not the Brooklyn, which I'm sure is fine, but for me, the Williamsburg Bridge. Walk over that end to Brooklyn. Anyway, Teresa from Brooklyn, New York, says, Craig, what is your favorite part about meeting the Fannins? I hope to meet you one day. Well, if you're in Brooklyn, Theresa, you might meet me on the Williamsburg Bridge. Look out for the man wearing the. Look out for the kite going. Could well be me. Also, I've still got my cowboy hat that I picked up in Texas. Again, I'm sorry, it's in the truck, which is still with me and not in this hotel room. Or I put it on and you get to see how awesome it is. But I will be wearing it when I go back to New York. So if you see a guy in New York wearing a cowboy hat going, it's me, come and say hi. Teresa from Brooklyn, New York says, what is your favorite part about meeting the fans? I hope to meet you one day. Well, let me just. Before I answer that, let me bring my cup up and put it back down. Before I answer that, let me just say how uncomfortable I am with the word fan. I've said this before. I think if I haven't said it to you, I've certainly said it to people I know. I don't like the word fan. I think fans, football teams have fans, rock bands have fans. I think the word fan, I don't know. I am a fan of other things. I'm a fan. But when it applies to me, when people say I'm a fan of yours, I feel a little uncomfortable with that. And I think what it is, is it implies. And maybe I'm the one that picks this up and I think this and nobody else think this. It implies a status position between people which I don't like. Like in some way I am, you know, the person who is the fan is not as elevated as the person who is the fanny. The fanny. So the fan of the. Yeah, if you're the fan of the fanny. Look, I'm the fanny. Ask anyone in Scotland. Anyway, what is your favorite part of meeting the fans? I liked. Look, what I do is I do have this. I resisted it for a long time, but apparently it's part of the stand up thing now that if I do a show in a theater or a club or a comedy club, I do them too. If I do a show in a theater or a comedy club, we have these meet and greets now and people pay to get the, I don't know, the girlfriend experience or something. And they line up and they get the photograph taken with me. Like if you go to Disneyland or something, there's a backdrop and they get a photograph of me and we chat for a little, you know, just a moment really. And then they get a signed poster and stuff. And at first I felt like I didn't do it for a while because I thought it was cheap. It felt like I was being cheap, like I was being grubby about things like, oh, come on, give me more money. But I mean, I suppose I could always do it for free. So I've talked myself into a terrible position there. But I think it would be oversubscribed because then you would have to meet everyone in the audience, which is too much. I like, I'm surprised I resisted it because I thought it wasn't cool, but in fact it's the opposite. It is very cool. So I get to meet people who come and tell me and everyone. It's very different. A lot of people, of course, people who know me or watch the old late night show, so I get a lot of that. And people will say things about what was going on in their life while they were watching the late night show. Like, you know, if they were going through college or some of the people they were in school. I'm like, that was a little young to be watching that show or people my age and even older because such people exist. And I actually find it great. I'm kind of the opposite of what I thought. I really love it. I love meeting people in here and their stuff. And I thought I'd hear it because I'm quite a cranky man, you know, underneath it all, I think. But I, I actually, I'm one of these misanthropes that is that way. Because I secretly hope everyone's going to be awesome and when they're not, I, I'm disappointed and I hate being disappointed. So I think, you know, it's like, like people say, you know, that phrase, the, that there is a certain type of atheist who is that way because they despair, they can't find God. I'm a little bit that with my misanthropy. I also can't find God, by the way, but I'm not an atheist. It's too fundamental a position for me. But I like to meet the people and people are really nice. And I will say this, the percentage of nice people is much higher if you're not in a digital environment. I've noticed. And maybe if they've, you know, if they've come to see me perform, presumably they're coming to see me there because they, they in some way like me or what I do. It would seem counterintuitive to expect people that have come to see you and sit through a show and then paid extra money to come and meet you afterwards. These are probably not the people that hate your guts. I mean, I'm sure, you know, there's levels of resentment that is willing to pay that amount of money. But to answer your question in a slightly more concise manner, Teresa from Brooklyn. My favorite part about meeting the fans is the fans there. That's it. They are people. I guess the lucky thing about meeting people who like what you do is that they, it helps. You know, I always felt, and I wonder if you guys feel this. I felt this when I was doing the late night show and I feel like kind of the same effect doing this mad little hotel room state by state, as it turns out. Chat to you guys that I feel we're kind of in this together a little bit. Do you know what I mean? I get Pete Holmes had a great stand up special title. I like Pete very much. And I had a standout special called I'm not for Everyone. And I feel like I'm not for everyone but for the people I am for. Which I presume at this point in the podcast, if you've hung around for 13 minutes and 19 seconds, I probably am for you. And I like it. There's a sense of, a weird sense of. I mean, am I crazy? Is there a little kind of sense of community or something about it? I don't know, does that sound culty? I don't mean it. I mean, look, live your own life. I'm not telling you what to do or anything like that. Or you don't have to believe what I believe or anything like that. But that's maybe what we are. We are the people that don't belong anywhere else. This is from Salmon Ninja Cat. I don't think that sounds like a real name. Salmon Ninja Cat. Don't say where they're from. Or maybe it's from. I don't know. Do you guys hear. Is that little airplane going by? Or maybe the buzzing is getting worse. I don't know. Seven Ninja Cat Say a Joshua tree would look great next to your new cactus tattoo. There's my new cactus tattoo. Got it in Texas. You know what? I'm into it. Yeah, okay, I'll do it. I'll get a little Joshua Tree around the other side. And that little sore bit, the little bumpy bit there. I'll get a Joshua Tree there. Feels like it's going to be sore, but. And I do want to get a little. Some bullhorns. I've decided I'm a Taurus. I don't really hold with any of that, but it's just some other piece of design thrown in my body. And why not? Okay, just have a Ninja Cat. Let's keep in touch and I'll let you know how it goes. This is Tim Blamer from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Now, I have been there. I haven't met Tim, Tim says, or maybe Tim Blabber. I don't know. Wherever it is. God bless you, Tim, for saying your full name and where you're from. I mean, do I ask for much? Salmon Ninja Cat. Tim Blamer from Grand Rapids, Michigan. If they brought him back, would you want to be a part of the Drew Carey revival? Is that part of your life you'd like to revisit in that way? Yeah, that's great. I do. I love the Drew Carey Show. I, I, I'm still in touch with Kathy Kenny mostly, but with all of them. Diedrich Bader and Drew, of course, the. I haven't seen Ryan for a very long time, but John Carroll Lynch. Oh, gosh. Well, lovely man. Great actor too, but, you know, a great bunch of people. And I, it was a very nice time. Difficult time for me, in a way. I was kind of finding my way in Hollywood, but these guys were great and, and I have great memories of the Drew Carey show. And I got to be English in that show. It was a terrible English accent. I guess you guys have figured that out. Kerry, you're fired. But I enjoyed doing it and it seemed to make everyone laugh when I was doing it. And of course, people in England were very upset because apparently hardly anyone in England sounds like this, and perhaps no one. But I always liked doing it because I felt that as Mr. Wick, although I was Scottish, it was as if I was a Scottish actor taking revenge on English actors who had done terrible Scottish accents on film and television my entire life. So things had come full circle. It was in fact a comedy reach around, if you will. So if there's a Duke Haley revival, would I be in it? They asked me in a heartbeat. This is from Janice Morama, from the backwoods of Estonia. I don't know. I must confess, I'm not entirely sure. I mean, I know where Estonia is, roughly, and I know they're in the Eurovision Soul contest, obviously, but I don't know where the backwoods of. I don't even know where the front woods of Estonia are. And the Janice Murama says, I've been wondering if you still play Royal Match and what level are you on? I'm on the maximum level currently 12201 and still play every day. Do I have a problem now? If it doesn't inflame your life, if it makes you feel okay and you enjoy doing it well, you're not hurting anybody. I don't see any problem with it. But I'm not a doctor or an expert on video game addiction. I don't play Royal Match anymore. I played it feverishly for a while and then I switched on to Scrabble and I play Scrabble on my phone now. I'm also Hosting Scrabble on TV I've just filmed like 60 episodes of it, which will be starting next year or maybe even later this year. I'm not sure I'll tell you when I know, but I filmed a huge bunch of episodes of Scrabble for the cw and I loved it. See, when they called me up and they said, hey, actually, it was my friend Sean who runs a huge company that owns all that. My friend Sean texted me and said, hey, will you do Scrabble for the cw? I was like, yes. Right away I should have said something like, call my agent or all that. And it's like now just, yes. Because I love Scrabble and I'm, you know, I'm very fond of Sean. So I would say, do I love Sean? He's okay. I like Sean very much. And anyway, Scrabble, I'm the new host, so that was cool. It's coming on soon, but I don't know when. It's great, though. You get people on. Trying to play Scrabble in a game show format was a little tricky and. But I think. I think we got it. I think we got it. I mean, it's very. It's as true as possible to the game. I think you can get by playing it on tv. I think if you enjoy game shows, you'll enjoy it. If you enjoy me, you'll enjoy it. If you don't like me, you might still enjoy it because it's a lot of scramble. If you don't like Scrabble and you like me, you might still enjoy it. But if you don't like me or Scrabble, then it's not the show for you. And I don't play Royal Match anymore. This is from James. James Crossett from London. I wonder if James talks like Mr. Wick from the Drew Carey Show. Probably not, because very, very few people in the world talk like, actually talk like this. Of course, Mr. Wick does. And. And actually, Owl in Winnie the Pooh, the version that was done a few years back, talks like this. That's because I did the voice. All right. James Crossett from London says, how often do you catch up with Peter Capaldi? And do you have any other stories about your old antics back in Scotland in your youth? I haven't seen Peter for a long time, actually. Peter Capaldi. If you don't know him, you're insane. He's a great actor. I Google him and then watch everything he's in. He's fantastic. Peter and I were in a rock band, a punk rock band, years and years and Years ago. And we got up to high jinx when we were young together. And I don't know what the statute of limitations is on any of that. So I'm going to let it fly. Nothing too bad, but more sleep drug all right. Anyway, no, for a long time. He's very respectable now. And I'm me, Amanda in El Paso. I was just in El Paso. I was in El Paso yesterday. I was down in that West Texas town of El Paso. I was on my way. The job that I'm working on right now, I can't really go into what it is. But I had to go from Dallas. I went down to the border Terra Lina and then went down the edge of the Rio Grande and then up to El Paso. It was a lot. Anyway, it was in El Paso, and I was very grateful to be there because it's a long drive. El Paso, by the way, has changed unbelievably in the past, say, 20 years. I mean, it's like a real boom town, it seems down there. It's great. I'm sure I'll get in trouble for saying that because you get into trouble for saying anything. But from whom and how much trouble? I don't know. We'll find out. Amanda in El Paso says Craig. Would you rather be in a Western or a murder mystery movie? What about a western murder mystery movie? What about a Drew Carey show revival set in the Old west where somebody is murdered and Drew is the detective and Mr. Wick is the suspicious. You think it's Mr. Wick? He's the red herring. And it turns out he's already herring. It was him. I've just given that away. There's no point of making it now. This is from Jimmy Quigg Quigley or Jimmy Quigley. He's from Brooklyn, but now he lives in Tucson. Well, that's a lot of information in your address, but also Tucson. I passed through there on my way from El Paso to where I am right now in Phoenix. So there you are. You're up to speed on my itinerary. Jimmy Quig Quigley from Brooklyn, who now lives in El Paso, says, do you have any rituals when you first get to a new hotel? Yeah, I kind of do. Not anything as I walk into the room. For years. For years. My ritual used to be when I was on the road, I would go into a room, I'd turn on the tv, Larry King would be on cnn. I'd take my pants off, I'd lie in the bed, and I'd watch Larry for 20 minutes. To see what was going on, but it's been a long time since Larry was on cnn. God rest him. And I loved Larry. I didn't know him when I used to do that. It was weird because when I got to know Larry and we became very friendly, actually, in the last, say, 10 years of his life, I stopped watching. Well, he kind of stopped being on CNN pretty much for a while. Then he had his own web show thing I was on. It was fantastic. I loved Larry, but after I knew him, it felt weird taking my pants off and watching him. Not that there was anything sexual about watching him in the first place, but I don't know, I thought maybe Larry could see me and then he'd bring it up the next time I saw him, and then that'd be weird and not a well man. All right, this is from Jonathan Dean. He doesn't say where he's from, but perhaps he's a traveling man, wanders from town to town, much like me at the moment. Perhaps I'll run into Jonathan on the trail. You know, when I got to this hotel last night, I won't tell you what hotel I'm in, the Arizona Biltmore, but when I. When I got to the hotel last night, man. Oh, I tell you, by the way, when I check into hotel, I have a nom de plume. So even if you were like, you were here and you heard me say, I was in this hotel, and you were like, all right, I'm going to go and see him right now. My name's not on the desk. I have a nom diploma. Obviously I can't tell you what it is, but I have an alias when I go into hotels. Makes me feel fancy, but it's a pain in the neck when you try to say if you lose your room key, and you say, I lost my room key, they say, do you have id? And then you give them id, and then they say, well, that's not the whole thing anyway. And then we laugh. Jonathan D. Says, I recall you saying you once helped rebuild an old rundown church. I was wondering if you could talk more about this experience. Well, what it was actually is when we were back in Scotland, my family and I moved back to Scotland for a few years. About six or seven years we were there. I mean, I'd had a place there for a long time, but we moved kind of full time back there for a while and came back to America full time a couple of years ago. But during the COVID lockdown, which is very intense, there was nothing to Do. And I lived in this very old property that had a rundown old building on it, which I thought used to be a church. I'm not sure, it might not have been, but I said, oh, well, you know what? I'll just put it back. I'm not a particularly religious person, but I thought, well, give me something to do. So I worked on it. I did some handyman stuff and worked on it and painted it and fixed the roof a bit because it was leaking and got some other guys around who fixed roofs and stuff. And we. And we put this church back together. And then I went on a website and I got a little podium for a. That you could put a religious book on. And then it's pretty easy to buy church pews because so many churches in Scotland are decommissioned. And the pews and then the seats are. They're always for sale in these kind of salvage yards and stuff. So I went to the salvage yard and I bought some pews for this old chuck. You have to get them delivered. I didn't have a trunk big enough to bring the pews down. So these guys turned up with these pews and just, you know, glasweated guys and Scottish guys. And they were carrying the pews into this old church that was ready for the pews. And one of the guys said to me, is this a church? I said, I think so. Yeah, I think it is a church. It's a church now. I said. He said, I've never done this before. I said, well, he said, every time we do this, we're taking the pews out of the church and putting them into a bar. They go into hipster bars or, you know, boutique hotels and stuff. I've never actually put pews for a church in a church. And we laughed. We didn't really, but I just thought, it's amusing to me. Not. Well, amusing is a big word. I found it entertaining or slightly interesting. Mildly. Mildly. Tiny amount of interesting there. But that's what I remember when you asked the question. As you know, I don't rehearse what I'm doing here. This is just us talking. Well, let's be honest, it's me talking, but I feel somehow we are talking because I'm reading your question. I. This is from Alan Leeds, or perhaps it's Alan and Leeds. Leeds, of course, in England. I wonder if Alan talks like that. Here's what I can tell you. If he's from Leeds, he most certainly does. Not Alan and Leeds says, or from Leeds, or just Alan Leeds from Brooklyn. Now, too, So I can't keep up. Alan says I've just finished reading Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography. He seems like someone you would hang, have hit it off with. Did your paths ever cross? I bumped into Ozzy a couple of times on campus over the years, but no, I don't think we did anything more than polite. How do you do? How'd you do? I was a huge fan of Black Sabbath and he's a lovely man. I have had a lot of conversations and a lot of time. You know, Sharon and Kelly have both been on the late night show a lot. And Sharon and I have had long conversations over the years and I do love Sharon. I think she's a fabulous woman, a real. A real truth teller, you know, just a very, very nice person. And Kelly as well, who I met actually. I'll only tell her about this. I was. Kelly was doing a TV show. I can't remember what it was on, but it was filmed in Vancouver. It only lasted one season, maybe two, I don't know. But in the final episode of the show she was doing, it was a drama about a young girl, you know, in the city and she had her friends and her father was a rock star. You know, it was, I guess, based on her life a little bit, or at least the casting was. And for one of the episodes they wanted someone to come in and play her father. My guess is they asked Ozzy, or maybe they didn't ask Ozzy, I don't know. But I got the job of playing Kelly Osbourne's father in this show and I did. It was filmed in Vancouver and I went and I played Kelly's father. It was all very nice. And. And while I was doing that job, I got the Late Late show. And that was the last time I did that kind of work. I'm like, guess I've done some sense of. I think there may be somebody outside the room. I don't know who it is, but I'm not letting them in, so relax. I hope somebody turned off the air conditioner, actually. Anyway, did I run into Ozzy? How do. That's it. I have no personal trait. I have no personal anecdotes or anything to tell about Ozzy Osbourne other than my admiration for him as an artist. But Sharon and Kelly, I've met many times and have nothing but nice things to say about that entire family. Actually, they're. They're quite something. All right. And finally, because time is marching on also, it feels like someday at the door. This is from Sue Finn. Who says? When you briefly moved your family back to Scotland for a few years ago, before you came back to the U.S. were you able to catch up with your siblings again? I never lost touch with my siblings. They have. We're good. I know them. I mean, did I see more of them? Yeah, I think so. A little more. But everybody has their own lives and it. Yeah, but I didn't. I didn't not catch up with them. Do you know what I mean? All right, quickly. Oh, this is from Dana Barnett. Dana doesn't say where she's from, but she does say, Craig, did you ever get horns attached to the. To your truck? If so, I know they'd be longhorns. Well, they're not longhorns, but I did put horns on my truck and I love it. You'll see it. It's part of what I'm doing right now. And when I'm. When this job I'm doing is announced and I can tell you about it, the. The truck with the horns in it is part. Is part of it. And also I go bad. It's my truck we're using in this show. I also get my truck lifted and big wheels go on it. It's awesome. And I know he's like, you fool, Cricket. You fool maybe, but you gotta live. I must say this about getting a truck lifted, though. I mean, it's not a huge lift, just a little lift. But you get your truck lifted, you find out about gas mileage. Am I right, fellow people with lifted trucks? And also the speedometer has to be recalibrated, as we found out going across from driving out of Marfa, Texas towards El Paso two days ago or a day ago, my brains are fried. When we got stopped by the delightful people of the Texas Highway Patrol and got off with a warning, which was nice. Now I wasn't driving. Tomas was driving there. I busted him. But he got off in the morning, which was good. I mean, it was official warning though. He got the paper and everything. Anyway, these are the stories of my life at the moment. Join me next week where I think, if I'm correct, next week or maybe the week after. But I think next week I'm going to be talking to my old mucker Salman Rushdie about his new book, which I'm reading the galleys of right now, the 11th Sahar. The galleys is like pre published thing. It's like the book's done, but it's not for sale. But the publisher gave me it because I'm going to be talking to Salmon. And it's beautiful. It's a beautiful book. I'm only like a quarter of the way into. I'm like. You know, I think with Salman, it's weird because I think Salmon is one of these people that, you know, well, when, you know, 100 years from now, people are still going to know about Salman Rushdie and read his books and all that. No one's going to, you know, give a rat's ass about whatever I did in late night or whatever noise, most of the noise that's going on in anything right now. But great literature and great art, paintings and, you know, that stuff endures down through the years and years and years. And I think Salman is of that caliber. I am. You can write a book is what I'm saying. Anyway, I think he's joining me next week. But if not, it'll be me and you. But maybe it would mean you and Salmon. We'll find out. I'll probably do a podcast proper one next week. Well, always nice to see you, my friends. See you next week. Sorry about the air conditioning, Rice sa.