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This is me, Craig Ferguson. I'm inviting you to come and see my brand new comedy hour. Well, it's actually, it's about an hour and a half, and I don't have an opener because these guys cost money. But what I'm saying is I'll be on stage for a while. Anyway, come and see me live on the Pants on Fire tour in your region. Tickets are on sale now, and we'll be adding more as the Tour continues throughout 2025 and beyond. For a full list of dates, go to thecraigfergusonshow.com See you on the road, my dear. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Joy Podcast. My name is Craig Ferguson. I'll be your host today from the Joy Podcast. Coming to you today from my truck. Coming to you from my truck here in the. Where are we? Philadelphia. I know we're in Philadelphia, but where's the. This is like the square Independence. We're next to Independence hall right here. I'm working here. And this is one of those podcasts where I'm so busy that I can't do anything other than this is meant to be my meal break, just so as you know from what I'm doing. But I'm using my meal break to come to you with a much required podcast because there's not enough podcasts on the Internet right now. And I feel like I can help boost the amount of podcasts that are around because, let's be honest, they're running low. Anyway, this is a. This is a question and answer podcast because I don't have a guest today, unless you count Tomas, whose hand can bring your. Let me put your hand. Or. Or just come in there. Tomas is here. He's here. Tomas is here, but he can't hear you because I've got the earbuds in, so I can't hear you either. Anyway, I'm going to take your questions. This is a tweets and emails podcast. Those of you are regulars who understand if you don't understand. It's a very simple concept. People send me questions and I answer them. It's as simple as that. It says nothing fancy, nothing highfalutin about it. It's just a question and answer session from a Dodge Ram 1500 in Pennsylvania. Nothing wrong with that. All right. This is from Kristin Hovend. It doesn't say where she's from, but she says. Or maybe it's Kristen from Hoven. I'm not a. I'm not a geographer, she says. Greg, is it really true that Secretariat lives Happily on a farm. No, that's not true at all. Secretariat. I don't know if you know this. I said this many times when I was doing Late Night. Not a real horse. Not a real horse. Not. And to keep two interns in a. In a, in a horse suit on a farm. What that. Why, that'd be cruel. You know. So there's two interns living happily on a farm. Actually, one of them is now a fancy pants executive at Netflix. Do you believe that? Yeah. Joe Bolter, who was the front end of the pantomime horse. There were various other back ends of the horse. It was like Darren and Bewitched, but the front end of the horse. That's a reference for old gays, by the way. But the, the front of, the front of the pan is Joe Bolter. He's now a fancy. He runs Netflix. Netflix. This a joke radio or something? Is that what he does? Anyway, he's very fancy and he doesn't talk to me anymore. Of course. He's my friend. Don't be silly. This is from Matt from Vancouver. Matt from Vancouver. Vancouver, by the way, if you don't know is in Canada. If you don't know how to get to Canada, as you go to the wardrobe and you where the fur coats are, you push past the fur coats and you'll find a snowy area with a lamppost and a little man who's half man, half horse. And you talk to him and he'll take you all the way to Vancouver. Matt says, hey, what is your favorite music lyric of all time? And what is a terrible and or cheesy lyric that you just can't help but love? Well, my favorite. Oh, sorry, Tomas, I dropped your phone. I only dropped in a cup of coffee. It's fine. My favorite music lyric of all time. It's. I think it would probably have to be the iconic A wop bop, a loo bop, a wop bamboo. Now that sounds like I'm being facetious, but it's not. That's a great start to us. A whop baba loop bamboo. Because you don't know what kind of baba loop up you're going to get. Is it going to be bamboo? You don't know. And that sets the tension for the song. A terrible and or cheesy lyric I can't help but love. I can think of a cheesy one that I don't like. There's a song. It was years and years ago. It was called hey, Sorry, oh, the rest of the people I'm working with they're all going for their lunch break. But I'm doing the podcast with you guys. Dinner break, actually. Second meal break of the day. It's a long day today. The what is a terrible, cheesy. Oh, yeah, this. This. I don't like this. Like, there's a terrible song called I've Been to Paradise, but I've Never been to Me is the name of the. I think that's the name of the song. But in the song, the woman sings. It's about a woman that's been to paradise, but she's never been to herself, which I don't even really understand, but. And then she sings. I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman. Hey, Mo. Hang on a second. Hey, Mo. I'm just doing my podcast. No, that's all right. You want to be on it? Sure. Yeah. All right. We don't have to talk about it. You just have to. You can go and have your meal break. I'm just doing the podcast because I'm not going to come for the meal break. Cool. But Morgan Fallon, my guest today, everybody. Morgan is a big timey director, so, you know. Yeah, that's stupid. And he's a Dodgers fan, so he's feeling kind of smug right now. So are we going. We're doing that stuff later on. We'll go land. I'll give you a call. Yeah, we are. Okay. Just give me a shout and I'll do my podcast and talk to the ladies and gentlemen, and then I'll. I'll be available later on. Great. All right. That was good today, wasn't it? Yeah, no, that worked out. Yeah. Well done. All right, thanks, man. See you in a bit. It's my boss. I have to kiss his ass a little bit. All right, Tomas, your phone's locked up. Anyway, this song I think I was talking about was I've Been to Paradise, but I've never been to me. It was the name of the song. I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see I've been to paradise But I've never been to me. Now, I don't know how you guys feel about that as a set of lyrics, but that is garbage. That is garbage. And I remember hearing it when I was very young and. And it annoyed me when I was young for some reason. And when I got asked that question there by Matt from Vancouver, if you don't know how to get there, show the wardrobe thing. The. That's. That's. That's how he asked the question and it came to mind. Anyway, this is from Tony Knuckles. I wonder if that's his real name. I wonder if he's a little clown, little Tony Knuckles, or what if he's French and it's Nucle, maybe Tony Nucle, he says, that would be Antoine Nucle. What is the cheekiest thing you've ever added to a rider? I don't know if you know what a rider is, ladies and gentlemen. A rider is that like if you do a contract to appear on a show. Like if I'm coming to a theater in your town, which I may be, check the local listings for details and do website and such. The. The writer is the contract. The. The addendum to the contract. So, like, if I turn up, I have to say, well, Craig, when he gets there, he likes to have toilet paper in the room and he likes to, you know, it's all legally. You have to make sure there's toilet paper if this contract is valid. He likes a candy, Mexican cola. That's what I like, isn't it? I asked for Mexican Coke and coconut water. I like for coconut water. Mexican Coke, but Coca Cola, Mexican recipe. I don't. I don't, you know, in the glass bottle. I don't necessarily need actual Mexican cocaine. That's a different. You don't want that on the rider. You want to get that, buy that cash. Anyway, the most outrageous thing. I don't really have an outrageous ask on a rider. Don't I? Tomas does all the writers. I don't really have an outrageous ask. I guess the Mexican cola is a bit pretentious, but not really. It's better. It tastes better. This is from Elena from Pasadena, California. She says, how do you feel that the creators of Shrek gave him a Scottish accent? Would an ogre speak with a Scottish accent? Is that cultural appropriation? Well, you know, a Scottish ogre would speak with a Scottish accent, right? An ogre from Brazil would speak Portuguese. You know, it takes on the ogre, takes on where they're from. Anyway, is it cultural appropriation? Nah, I have a problem with cultural appropriation. Actually, the phrase cultural appropriation. Because I think, is that. Is that real? I mean, I suppose it is. And I look forward to your angry comments. And anyway, what's next? This is from Christy from St. Louis. Do you have a best friend other than spouse? If so. If so, who and for how long? Oh, yeah. Come on, come on, come on. And you come. There he is, my best Friend, Big tz from the Czech Republic. Do we say the Czech Republic? Don't even say the Czech Republic anymore. Do you just say Czechia name for a country. What do you just call it? Check. That's what I'm calling it. Check. That's what it was called. You have to put the ar. Do you know? Oh, yo. You know why? AI. That's what it is. It's AI. Czech. Used to be called Czech and now it's Czechia because of AI. Except it's ia, but the concept is the same. Oh, that's terrifying. They're taking over the Czech Republic. AI with two letters at a time. This is from Nicole Palmer in Austin, Texas. If you've never been in Austin, Texas. A delightful place. Tomas actually used to live there. He used to live in Austin, didn't you? Yeah. Yep. He loved it. Did you love it? You did love it, yeah. Well, then you are. Then you say was to remind you of Czechia. Not at all. Quite the opposite. Yeah. It's a bit different. They don't pickle enough in the Czech Republic. My God. Like, you sit in a chair long enough, somebody will come along and pickle you. It's like they love the pickle in there, don't they, Tomas? They. He had. He. He had to get out of there because they were going to pickle him because he's so tall. They were gonna like, oh, let's. Let's pickle big tz. They said the. This is from Dennis McAdams. Or it could be Denise McAdams. I don't know Denise, Dennis or Denise or Denis. Made myself laugh. Made him laugh too. Dennis or Denis said, would you like. I would like to visit Scotland soon. Is there a particular place you would recommend? Oh, yes. Go and see my brother. He lives in Glasgow. His name's Scott. Go see him. You'll be glad to see. Say, hey. Craig said I could come to your house and that you would give me some biscuits. Just say that to him and he'll love that. If you turn up, Denis, and say, hi, it's Denis macadamy and I've come from a free biscuits. He would love that. It's his birthday today, actually. You know that? Yeah. I sent him a text on his birthday. He sent me a text back. Weird. Very close. This is Alex from Montreal. There's a lot coming in from Canada. Montreal, of course, is in French Canada. Or to pronounce it correctly, actually, it's not French Canada. It's just the part of Canada where you speak French. It's all Canada, but you know. You know what I mean? I don't want to get all that. Hey, isn't Katy Perry going out with the former Prime Minister of Canada or something? Is that right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get enough. On a recent podcast, you spoke in your Mr. Wick voice. Would you consider doing an entire episode of the podcast in that voice? I'll be completely honest with you, Alex, in Montreal, as I do that voice, I rather enjoy it. But I have to tell you, doing a complete episode of the podcast at all at the moment is something of a difficulty for me. I'm doing it from a truck. From a truck. Ah, how the mighty have fallen. All right, this is. Would I do it in that voice? No, silly. I. I wouldn't be able to keep it up. I would get distracted right now. In fact, there's a. That's one of the local guys out there. What's his name again? Benjamin. Benjamin. Benjamin Lombardo. Benjamin Lombardo. Because he is the same last name as the drummer from Slayer. That's right, yeah. What's his name? Tony. Dave Lombardo. Dave Lombardo. The drummer from Slayer. Unbelievable Drummer Dave Lombardo. Dave, if you're watching Ribbity Tippity Tip to you, that's from one drummer to another. Ribbity tippity tip. That's it. Actually, I have to say, Lombardo, Slayer, his bedrooms are unbelievable. He can, in a way that you would just wouldn't think was possible. Of course, it's all done by AI now, but back in the day. This is from Ralph, who lives in Charlotte. Okay. Ralph said, when I first saw you on tv, I thought, this guy is a jackass. Okay, It's a good start. Years later, I turned, I tuned back in and I loved the late night show Today. I think you're one of the most outstanding and quick rated comedians of all time. I was more comfortable with Jackass, to be honest. So since you went from being jackass to brilliant comedy genius in my eyes, did I change or did you? Ah, that's an excellent question, Dave. And I mean Ralph from Charlotte. Sorry, I was thinking about Dave Lombardo. I think probably we've both changed. Ralph from Charlotte. I think, you know, when I look back on these late night shows, I. I gotta say, I look at someone, I go, yeah, you're a bit of a jackass there. But you know, the thing is, I did that show for a long time. For 10 years I did that late night show. And of course it lives on in the Internet and clips of it everywhere. And you know, some of the clips I go, that's funny. You're a funny guy. And other ones I go, keith. But I think if you. If any human being in history was to look back at their life because you remember the late night show I did, it wasn't a big, heavily scripted environment. So, I mean, I was gonna. I don't remember a lot of things I said. I mean, it was just. It was like this. It was like this, except it was on tv. Actually, to be fair, I think the truck, it's got better lighting than I had on late night tv. But the. But in this truck, you know, it's kind of the same. I'm just talking to a camera. So I'm talking to a camera right now. And you know, people come and go and, you know, there's stuff. And I don't remember everything I said. So when I look back on some of the old late night shows, I go, oh, that was funny. And then other parts of it, and I don't watch it a lot, but if people will send me things and stuff go, ha, I can't believe you said this. Or, wow, I can't believe you said this. Either thing. I go, well, it was what it was at the time. Look, let me just say this. I can't be held responsible for what I say. Now I've said it. I think that's probably made it true. This is from Joy Lindstrom. Are you still a Gary Newman fan and are you planning to see him live on his next tour? I am a Gary Newman fan. He hasn't done anything to make me not a Gary Newman fan. And the only thing would make me more of a Gary Newman fan is if he got Dave Lombardo, formerly of Slayer, to be his drummer. I mean, I think that would be. That would be awesome. Wouldn't that be awesome? Big thumbs up from the Czech heavy metal fan. The. That would be great. If you think the industrial sound of current Gary Newman with Dave Lombardo in that. That's. That's fusion cuisine right there, my friends. I went to see. Were you there that night? Let me see Gary Newman in Toronto. No, no, I wanted to see Gary Newman in Toronto. And I. It was funny because I realized once I'd been to see him, I was in a show nearby and he was playing. I went, oh, God, humans on. And I. I went there and I realized that I'd gotten there by. And this just seemed like a coincidence. This is from Manfred Bauer from Austria. It says, dear Craig, have you ever had an awkward situation With a guest. You, man. That was my entire. That is my entire career is awkward situations with guests. This is from Matt Manning. Do you think the British monarchy should be completely dissolved? P.S. give my best to Jeff. I'll give your best to Jeff. Should I. Should they dissolve the monarchy? Yeah, I think so. But I mean, come on. You're magical because you were born there and you get a special hat and everything. Come on, Really? I mean, I don't want to say too much in case they offer me a knighthood, but still, I mean, come on. It's garbage. We all know this is ridiculous. I like it when people who are really into the market say, oh, but it does. It brings so many tourists. Brings so many tourists. I'm like, you know, Disneyland, they got some tourists. France also famously, not, not bigger monarchy. A lot of tourists. I think Britain would be fine for tourists. Emily from Loughborough, England. By the way, Emily, I do love your British monarchy. I'm a big fan. Emily says if you were placed under. I'm doing an English voice for Emily because she lives at Loughborough, though they don't talk like that. If you was placed under a Beauty and a Beast style curse, she says if you were placed under. Under a Beauty and the Beast style curse and transformed into an enhanced object, what would you be and why? Well, I think I'd like to be a self pleasuring device. I'd like to be turned into a self pleasuring device perhaps. You know, you got me. All right. It's just my podcast, man. I'm doing my podcast. It's the only chance I get a self pleasuring device. You know, like a. A back massager or something. Something that you know, that you can massage yourself with. And then I would sing a little song. I'll bring you pleasure, Mr. Or Mrs. I'm a. But you have to participate because I myself pleasuring device. Or if I was a self pleasuring device, I would only pleasure myself. That's the kind of singing device I would be. This is from Elsa G. In North Hollywood. North Hollywood. Of course it's near Hollywood, but it's a cold, forbidding mountain near Hollywood. Elsa G. Says, Craig, you play a small role in Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events, the movie. Yes, I did. Just wanted to know how much you were told about that role and if it was as chaotic fun as it seemed to be. Well, I'll be honest with you, I was told the role would be bigger, but you know, the cutting room floor and all that. And then it was A lot of fun. I remember having a great time with Jennifer Coolidge, who I worked with a lot on that movie. We were together quite a lot there and she's great. And Jane Addams, who is another actress I worked with in the movie, also a great actress and a really nice person. Both of these women, I loved working with them. And Louis Guzman as well. It was great. So, yeah, I had quite a nice time on it when I think about it. Really nice people. It was funny, though. I remember when I was standing it, because the part I was playing is like three hours of makeup of this forever. And one of the producers, Walter Parks, real big timey producer. I was standing at craft services one day and I had just come from doing an independent movie and I'd just gone through three hours of makeup and then I had to sit around. I was in so much makeup, I couldn't sit down. I had to stand up. And I was trying to get a donut or a bagel or something going, but I had all lipstick on and all that. So it was a pain in the ass, the whole thing. And Walter said to me, so, Craig, are you enjoying working on a big budget movie? This is your first big budget movie. You enjoying it? And I said, to be honest, yeah, yeah, not that much. I don't think I want to do it again. And he said to, I thought this was great. He went, well, he said, I think I can arrange that. See, rich people can be funny. That's all I'm saying. This is from Hamza in Cairo, Egypt. Oh, I'd love to go to Cairo, but you know, at the moment I can hardly do my podcast. Never remember get to Egypt. But I would love to go to Cairo. Hamza says Craig, should I feel bad that I can do some very funny comedy riffing with my mates, but not my fiance? She gets offended a lot and doesn't like diarrhea jokes. Well, you know, Hamza, you know, if you're going to marry the woman, maybe you're gonna ease up on the diarrhea jokes. There'll be plenty of time for that after you're married. You know, you don't want to do the diarrhea stuff during the engagement. Diarrhea is for after you get married. That's my advice to you. That's good advice, isn't it? For a long lasting relationship, don't go. Don't go in on diarrhea. Work up to diarrhea. This is from Ed Manera. He says, Ed says, Craig, what is the weirdest movie you've ever watched. I watched this movie called Tiptoes. It was really weird. Peter Dinklage paid a French guy and he said, phoenix, Arizona in a really funny way. I've seen Tiptoes. I think that's a great movie. I love that movie. Have you seen that movie? Peter Jinkley's in that movie. I think Gary Oldman's in that movie. Well, that's great. Have you guys seen Gary Oldman and Slow Horses? Jeez, I. Isn't he great? Farty? He's a bit farty, but what he did is he waited until he was married. He didn't do the farty diarrhea stuff until he was married. And that's what makes Gary Oldman the greatest actor of his generation. He knows when to do the farty jokes. And it's not when you're a young actor starting out, it's when you're an older actor. You've established you've won your Oscar, everybody adores you, you're held in great esteem. That's when you get farty and people think, oh, he's so clever. You do farty when you're young and you're not held in great esteem, they just think you're farty. But when you're older, it's, you're a genius. And actually, Gary Oldman is a genius. So potato, potato or whatever. This is from Mike Maddaloni in Wisconsin and he says, craig, I was listening to your podcast where you mentioned not wearing shorts on an airplane when I was traveling out to my high school reunion. I did wear shorts on the way out, but after listening to your show, I wore long pants on the flight home. Cool story, bro. Is there a question in there? I don't think so, but I'm glad that you saw a sense. So here's another tip for you, Mike Maddaloni, if that is your name, don't ever wear shorts again. Because you know why? You're probably a middle aged man. Time's up on that. Jonathan Dean from Sacramento, California says, craig, if you had to choose between devo and the B52s, which brand would you choose? Wow, that's a really hard question. Because I love the B52s. I love Devo. But I would say, and this is going to be controversial even in this truck, because I think somebody's going to have a problem with it. But I, I would actually choose a B52S. Yeah, you surprised the B52S. Well, I know you, you can do your big check, wavy hand thing as much as you like. But I, I feel like the B52, the Divo are great and they're innovative and fantastic and actually, I wouldn't like to choose between them. That I think about it, it's terrible. But I love the B52s because they make me happy to listen to them. You know, every time I hear the B52s, every single time, even if I'm feeling a bit sad or downcast, which doesn't have to be much because I'm a celebrity, but, you know, it. It does, but it does happen. Yeah, I'm not a celebrity, but I do get sad sometimes. The. But the B52 has always cheered me up. The evil I always happy to hear, but the B52 has cheered me up. All right, we get time for one more and then that guy you saw earlier with the blue hat is going to come looking for me and I'm going to have to go back to work. So. But the blue hat, by the way, the Dodgers hat, they say the Dodgers did very well. I don't know if you guys heard about it, but they apparently they won a trophy. So good for you, Dodgers. This is right. This is from David Myers from Nashville, Tennessee. And then I gotta go after this. David says, craig, I've always been intrigued with your confidence within conversation. Where does that come from? And could you do a TED talk about it so we can all learn together? Well, I think I'm not always confident in conversation. Usually the people I'm talking to, they've been set up to talk to me. I mean, you know, if I'm, if I'm doing an interview or talking to someone on a podcast or even back in the day in the old late night show or after, or even on a game show or anything, everyone's set up to talk to me. They're there to do that. In some conversations, like in an elevator, like if you were in an elevator, like, and someone struck up a conversation with you, I don't know how confident I'd be. And then the elevator, imagine this. Like the elevator gets stuck between floors and then someone's talking to you and they're very confident. And then they pass gas in the elevator. It's just you and this person in the elevator and they pass gas and they're talking to you confidently, you would think, you know, this person's confidence is misplaced. I don't want to talk to them. And I think what you see is when you see me being confident in a conversation is I'm confident in that when I'm set up in an interview with someone. I'm confident they want to talk to me because if they don't want to talk to me, they wouldn't be there. But in life you can't have that. No, you can't just walk up to somebody and say, hi, do you want an awkward pause? Or you know, and like, you can't do that. It's not real, you know, I mean, so I think what confidence is, if I was given a TED talk about it, I think for me confidence is situational. You take the take in your surroundings and if it's appropriate to speak up, then do. And if it is inappropriate to speak, then, you know, speak louder because that's, that's how you get ahead and show business, I guess. I don't know. Anyway, look, I hope you've enjoyed this completely phoned in episode of the podcast. I'm really sorry. I feel we dropped a bit last week with Salman Rushdie talking about his new book and this week is. You mean a truck? I know, very nice. But you know, that's the, that's what you can count on with me. Inconsistency, inconsistency. I'm your man for that. So I wish you all a happy, happy day. I'm actually. Or night or whatever you're doing with yourself. And I hope you don't get stuck in an elevator with someone with gas who has a lot of confidence. And if you do, just, you know, you know, hold your breath, press the emergency call button and things will work out. In fact, that's a tip for life. Hold your breath, press the emergency call button and things will work. So from the great city of Philadelphia in what's the name of that square? Independence Square. From Independence Square inside the Dodge Ram 1500 with 5.7 L ME engine with the E Torque edition, which is very worth it, I have to say. Don't we love the Etorque. I bid you good evening or good morning or whatever time it is in your region and I'll see you all next week with a proper guest. Not that you're not a proper guest, but you know what I mean. I'll be, I'll do a proper show for next week, but this one just for us, sa.