A (0:00)

This is me, Craig Ferguson. I'm inviting you to come and see my brand new comedy hour. Well, it's actually, it's about an hour and a half and I don't have an opener because these guys cost money. But what I'm saying is I'll be on stage for a while anyway. Come and see me live on the Pants on Fire tour in your region. Tickets are on sale now and we'll be adding more as the Tour continues throughout 2025 and beyond. For a full list of dates, go to thecraigfergusonshow.com See you on the road, my dears.

B (0:32)

Hello, everyone. My name is Craig Ferguson. I am the host of the Joy podcast, which this is. Welcome to it and welcome to my world, where I am in California and I am. I'm a bit tired and I'll tell you why, by the way, this is it. Just from full disclosure, this is a Tweet and emails 1. This is, this podcast. Just so you know, just the full disclaimer. I'm on the road right now. I'm very, very busy working on a thing which I'm not allowed to tell you about, but I will as soon as I can. And the reason I'm not allowed to tell you about it, I'm not working for the CIA or anything. The thing is, it's not been announced yet. And if when you're doing a show and it's a show which has not been announced, the companies that are paying for it, they feel like they have a right to make the announcement in their own time. And I feel like that's perfectly acceptable. I don't think they're being unreasonable. Anyway, so I'm in a hotel room in California. I'm a bit tired because I've been doing all this show, this stuff. I don't have time to get a guest into my hotel room. I don't want a guest in my hotel room. And I'm a bit tired because I've been working very hard. And tonight, because it's nighttime where I am, although it's live, I'm sure in your region. I just came from the Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California. I'm not a magician, although. But I did go on stage and do 20 minutes in the Comedy Magic Club, which is a legendary comedy club in California. And the reason I went there is because I don't know if you guys know this. I'm friendly with Jay Leno and Jay goes there nearly every Sunday night. He goes down there and does a Set. So I was talking to Jay this week and he said. I went, well, I don't know if I can make it down there. And he said, I went, all right. And so then I went down there and I did 20 minutes. And I'm glad I did because it's an amazing place. If you ever get a chance to go there. The Congregate Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California. Everybody's played there. George Carlin, Robin Williams, all going back. All the greats have played there. Letterman played there. Everybody's played there. And I did it and it was kind of nice. I liked it. And I would like to go back again. And I think they'll have me back again because everybody seemed quite happy. Or else everybody was. Everybody was still talking to me when I left, and I feel like that's a very good sign. The audience were still there and people were like, hey, why don't you come back? And I felt like they sort of meant it. So that's good. You never know it. Show business, of course, but there you go. Anyway, look, I don't have a ton of time because it's bedtime and I've got an early start in the morning for this thing, which I can't tell you about, but let me just run by a few tweets and emails that have come in, because the tweets and emails are coming in thick and fast and people have got all sorts of questions which I would like to answer. And you know me, I run a tight ship. I run a tight ship. I'll get all of them answered or some of them answered, or maybe one or two of them answered. I don't know. This might not be a long episode because daddy's a bit tired, I gotta be honest. Anyway, this is from Kirk Wagner. Kirk Wagner, which I think is a good. It sounds like an old movie star name. Maybe Kirk was an old movie star. Maybe Robert Wagner has some suspicion about him and something back in the day. I don't think I want to get into that. Okay, Kirk Wagner said, Craig, have you ever done, or would you consider doing a voice for a GPS system? I need you to give me a load of crap whenever I miss a turn. Well, look, no one's ever asked me to do a voice for a GPS system. I don't think they're real voices, actually, Kirk. I think they're AI voices. But by the way, I have heard an AI voice of me and I felt it was, eh. It's all right. It's a little bit like me. The Trouble is, when you hear your own voice, it doesn't really sound like your voice. Because I know what my voice sounds like in my head. I've been hearing it since I was a kid. And it sounds different to other people, apparently, because when I hear myself recorded, which I try and avoid, I'm like, oh, it's the gober from the dragon movie. But it's. It's me. Anyway, have you ever done. Would you consider it a voice for a gps? And I would consider it, but I've got to be honest with you. I think I probably want paid for it. Yeah, I'd want paid for it. I need you give me a load of crap whenever I miss a turn. I don't think that's a good idea. I don't think that's a good idea, Kirk, because I feel like if you get. You don't want to get negative vibes in your car when you take a wrong turn, you're like, no, no, go back the other way. Nah, I would hate that. You don't need that, Kirk. You know what you need, Kirk? You need a therapist. I think, Kirk, you need to lighten up and get a therapist. Stop being too hard on yourself. Find out why you want to get given crap just for taking a wrong turn. Everybody makes mistakes, Kirk. Trick in life. And I always say this to my kids, and they always go, ugh. But here's the thing. Here's what I think. You start any journey, you're two degrees off course. Say now, if you correct that as soon as you can and correct that 2 degrees off course, that's not a big deal. You do that. But if you continue to do two degrees off course, you get farther and farther away from where you're meant to be going, and then it's much harder to get back. So as soon as you can try, and if you find yourself going a little bit off course, try and get back on course as quickly as you can. But you don't need to give yourself a hard time about it. Anybody does it. This is from Nico from Croatia. I've never been to Croatia, and I don't think I'm going to be going anytime soon because I'm looking forward to getting home for Christmas, to be honest. Nico from Croatia says, although I do hear Croatia is beautiful. I've just noticed there's a photograph of bicycles behind me, a black and white photograph of bicycles, which I think that's probably arty, isn't it? I actually. I like the look of that photograph. I've never really paid any attention to it. But now as I look at the photograph behind me, I'm like, ah, quite like that. Anyway, Nico from Croatia says, dear Craig, what should I do? That's the whole question. I don't know, Nico. Maybe lighten up. I think we should all try and do that. Try and lighten up. Everybody take a breath. Take a breath. Everybody take a breath. How about that? We'll all go. All right, hold on, hold on. Take a breath. Good. All right. I feel like we all learned a little there. Thanks, Nico. This is Gina from Madison, Wisconsin. And Gina says, craig, are you still a vegan? Do you often get to see much of the towns you visit while you're on tour? If so, I've got a couple of great vegan places you should check out when you're in Madison. Now, here's what I have to say. And this will infuriate the vegan community, But I am no longer a vegan at this point. At this point, it's very difficult while you're traveling and on the road as much as I am at the moment, going to a lot of very different types of places. I'm not always in a town where they have vegan restaurants. It's difficult to maintain a vegan diet. And also, I kind of. I don't know, I just stopped. I don't eat red meat. I don't eat red meat because I don't like it and I don't like the idea of it. I don't like the taste of it. But I still. I'll eat some chicken. I'll eat some fish these days and some cheese, because I love cheese. But I will probably go back to a vegan diet because I've got a medical coming up soon. And I think doctor. I think a doctor's gonna say to me, hey, cholesterol boy, you wanna get back on that vegan diet because it does bring down your cholesterol? Look, I'm not a doctor, but if I stop eating meat, my cholesterol comes down, and that's good enough for me. And I will say this. I'm not on statins at the moment. I would take them if the doctor says, now, look, you got to take them. But I'm trying to avoid them. By. I don't know if you guys have noticed, I've actually lost quite a lot of weight recently. I've been working hard. I've been doing the steps. I've got this step app on my phone. I've lost like 25, maybe 30 pounds over the last Year. What happened was I watched my last special in the edit when the last comedy special, which is up on the YouTube channel, it's called I'm so Happy. But when I looked at, I wasn't so happy because I thought, man, I gained weight. And I do struggle with that. This is the thing. I know many of you do, and so do I. Like, I gain weight easy. So. I looked at the special, I thought, you know, I got to lose some weight. So I started doing this walking app on my phone. And, you know, I've got a very addictive personality, which can work for you or against you. So I've become addicted to these walk, getting my steps in every day. And sometimes because I'm on the road like this right now, sometimes I do the steps. I wear this little kind of like a fanny pack thing that I go on an airplane and I put my phone in it and I wear my underpants and I march up and down my hotel room. I gotta be honest with you, it's not a good look. But sometimes that's the only way I get my steps in. But I get them in, and it seems to make a difference. So what I'm saying is, I'm not a vegan at the moment, but I'm not against veganism. I'm just. People get very passionate both for and against. Like, if you say you're a vegan, other vegans are like, hooray. And then if you stop being a vegan, they get mad at you. And if you say you're a vegan to people who are not vegan, sometimes they're like, what are you talking about? Something like that. It's a personal choice, man. I'm not trying to make everybody a vegan. Anyway, I'm not a vegan at the moment. But I'm not discounting going back to being a vegan. It's just. It's kind of. It's a little tricky to maintain it right now. But I do. Like, I've noticed that I was a vegan for about four years, and I did notice this. You know that thing that people say, how do you know if someone's a vegan? Because they tell you that's kind of true, but I'm not at the moment, and I haven't told you that. But I might go back to it anyway. I'll go back to being vegan at some point. I actually like the feeling of it. Anyway. I lost this weight and I feel the better for it. But the interesting thing is about. If you work in My line of work. And you lose weight, then I've lost a bit of weight. People are like, oh, are you on the thing, like the Ozempic or the Mountjaro and stuff? Or Mountjaro or Wegovy or Bengal Dono or something? Bengodono is. That's a real one. And the thing is, I'm not. And the reason is I'm not. I'm very. I don't know if you know this. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, and I think I'd be the one that gets a terrible allergic reaction to it. So I'm not on it, but I am on the walking app, which I think is. Is good for you. And I get. I get my steps in every day and I try and watch what I eat and I'm not always great at it, but I try and lighten up. I refer you to earlier on when I was talking to Kirk Wagner about, everybody, take a breath. Nico from Croatia, everybody take a breath. Lighten up. And you know, if you want to be a vegan, be a vegan. If you don't, you don't. So what I'm saying is these vegan restaurants, while I'm in Madison, and I think I am in Madison next year, actually, and I've seen that on the tour schedule, and I always like to go to Madison. They've got a great hotel in Madison, Wisconsin. It's right down on the lake there. And you can get this room. It's not super expensive, but it's got a telescope and it looks out onto the lake. It's fantastic. I can't remember the name of the hotel, but it's really lovely. And it's not super expensive. It's not like super. I mean, it's a little bit expensive. Look, I don't pay for it, I'll be honest, because I'm on tour, so the promoter pays for it. But I suppose I pay for it, really. I mean, it comes out of your money. Anyway, I like this hotel. So some things you got to pay for and can't remember the name of it. But sit in Madison on the water, stay there, it's good. Although I know working for them. All right, Richard Gangnam from Merrimack, New Hampshire. I feel like you may have written in before. I've certainly remembered Merrimack, New Hampshire. I drive through Merrimack, New Hampshire, quite often. I kind of hang out in that neck of the woods. As many of you know, Mrs. Ferguson is from New England. So, you know, we Go there. Richard Gagneon from Merrimack, New Hampshire, says, is memorizing the Scrabble dictionary cheating? Technically, I know it isn't, but it feels like it is. It changes the game from a test of vocabulary to the one who has memorized the most words. How good a player are you? Well, that's a lot of questions there. That's a lot of questions there. Richard Gagnon, if that is your real name, from Merrimack, that's really where you're from. Now, I have to be careful answering this question, and I'll tell you why. Because I am the new host of Scrabble, the TV show. Now, I can tell you about that because I finished making a season of Scrabble, the TV show. I made them in London, and it starts on the CW on January 22nd. And I think we nailed it. I think we really did a good job. We got Scrabble players, competitive Scrabble players. And I wanted to do the show because I actually do play Scrabble on my phone. I like playing Scrabble. I like playing Scrabble with my family. But sometimes, if you're on your own, Scrabble on your phone is what I do. By the way, can I say, at the moment, I keep having a recurring battle against someone called Catherine F. On the Scrabble app. And Catherine F. Is doing a good job of kicking my ass, but she gets close. Then I beat her sometimes. Then other times she beats me. So I don't know. Katherine F. Is a bot or she's. Or she's. Or she's real. You never really tell with the Scrabble. Some of them are bots, and, you know, they're bots, and other ones, you think it's real people. And I like to play against both. I like to play against the bots because they play you back right away, which is good. And I like to play against real people because I've got a chance of winning. I like play Scrabble. I think memorizing the dictionary and the reason why I think I have to be careful answering the question is because I don't know if legally I'm allowed to tell you, but it doesn't seem to me because I'm the host of Scrabble, there's a lot of rules when you host a game show, a lot of laws around it. But I don't think it's cheating memorizing the dictionary. I just think it's hard. It's probably harder than just playing Scrabble. I don't know, anyway, I'm pretty good at Scrabble. You know what? I'm very good at Scrabble. I challenge you. Nah, I can't. I can't start again. Busy enough. It's hard enough to do this thing without, you know, adding competitive Scrabble to my life. But you should watch the Scrabble if you like watching game shows and you like Scrabble. You like the show, it's fun. And it's also Scrabble. I mean, I think we managed to get the show because it matters to me, this I know that you're like, why does it matter to you? Because it matters to me because I like Scrabble. It's a good game and I enjoy it. I don't want to damage the brand and stuff. And it's fun and I think we got it right on this game show. So, anyway, you'll see it in January. It starts in January 22nd. And then you'll let me know, I'm sure. This is from James Crossett from London. And James Crossett says, london's a town in England. James says, do you have any advice for starting a new life in a different country? I imagine he has a voice like that. He could have a different voice. Maybe a cockney. Cheerful Cockney. I'm going to go with cheerful Cockney. Do you have any advice for starting a new life in a different country? I'm moving from London to Dubai and I'm anxious about leaving my former life behind. Well, I don't know if you know this about me, but I have moved from one country to another, although I am very committed and very American. American, which I am, and proudly so. I am also from Scotland. I'm originally from Scotland. I don't know if you guys know this about me and I'm very proud to be Scottish too, and I think moving to another country. I think the main thing I would say is keep your trapshot for a while until you figure out what people are into and what's considered good manners. Because there are some things in America that if you say them, you can say words in Scotland which are terrible words to say in America and are not that bad. There's a word, a particular word, you could probably guess what it is that you can say in Scotland and it's a swear word, bother anybody. If you say here, you're going to the social media sin bin, it's going to be bad for you. Is that still a thing? Probably. I don't know fucking cares. This is from Marco Lane, or maybe It's Margo. No, it's Margo Lay. Margot says. Hey Craig, I think I speak for a lot of fans when I say we would love to see you in a punk rock band again. You say you have drummers, chops, but I dare you to do a little tour. Now look, I don't think anyone wants to see a 63 year old punk artist unless that artist has been a punk rocker all the way through. I don't think you get to be a punk rock drummer when you're in your late teens and early 20s, then stop for 40 years and then start again. I mean I'm sure you can and it's not against the law, but I don't think I want to see that. I like to drum and I still drum. I still drum when I'm at home. I have an electronic practice kit and I work on it. I also have a real drum kit which I like to play. I love to play the drums. I find it very satisfying and therapeutic. But to play in a band, playing in bands is hard and I wonder about that because I have friends, good friends, very good friends who are musicians, very successful musicians. And it's very difficult for the economy. The economics of musicians making money now is very, very different to what it used to be. In the old days, musicians sold records and they made money on their records. The way that their music goes out now musicians I think struggle making money from the records that go out. They have to tour in order to pay for their living. And it's a tough life because look, when I tour, it's me, that's who it is. So there's a hotel room for me, a hotel room for the tour manager to mass. We travel in the same vehicle and we go where we're going. You add like if we had to take equipment and a band and you know, all the different hotel rooms and the, the economics of touring. I'm not talking about Taylor Swift level touring, I'm talking about, you know, just regular, you know, bands who are, you know, kind of playing thousand seat theaters, 1500 seat theaters, bands that you want to see. But it's hard. So the chances of me doing a, a punk rock tour, I think that would be unlikely. Although I will say this, never say never. Firstly and secondly, I think if I got offered a job in a band that I liked playing the drums, I think I'd drop everything and do that. But I need a lot of practice and a lot of rehearsal and that's also expensive. So it's unlikely. Well, that's what I'm saying. Nobody wants to see that. Also, drum machines, you know what people talk about AI and they're like, oh, yeah, AI is taking our jobs. And I remember being a drummer when I was in my early 20s and drum machines were really coming in. I was like, fucking computer's taking my job. Drummers are going away and they're not going away, but they kind of did a little bit anyway. So I realized AI was coming and I got out of the drum and came early. This is from Ed Manera from Cork, Ireland, and he says, craig, how do you like your salsa? Mild or spicy? Well, look, now, this is a bit of an inside baseball thing, but you all, some of you will know the answer to this. I don't like salsa and I don't eat it. But if I do eat it, I like it to be spicy. Shout out to my not a real horse, Miguel Andrade. This is from Miguel Andrade, who says, are you still anti skydiving or people jumping out of perfectly flying airplanes? I'm not anti skydiving. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. I'm not like ban skydiving. I'm just saying I want to do it. I like to fly in airplanes. I like to fly around in little airplanes and big airplanes. I like to get in them. I like to fly them. Aviation fly fascinatings me. I love it. I could just go to an airport, watch the planes taking off and landing kind of all day. I know it's geeky thing, but I do. But the idea of jumping out of a plane with a hanky on some wires to go to the ground, I feel like I learned enough about the rules of aerodynamics to go. I think this is an unreliable way to get yourself onto the ground. I'd rather land a plane. Airspeed, my friends. Air speed. And finally, I'm going to go after this, guys, because I'm absolutely nasted. I'm sorry. I mean, I've been literally phoning in this podcast for the past few weeks. And the reason I'll be phone and is because I know you guys tune into it and it matters to me to deliver it to you and to make sure it's there and I'll get back to doing a proper one with guests and all that kind of stuff. But. But right now I've been really busy and I appreciate your patience. I appreciate you guys saying, oh, look, Grandpa's on the FaceTime again. Which is basically what this podcast is at the moment. Grandpa's FaceTime. Although whenever I talk to. I've got a couple of friends who are older, and when I talk to them, the FaceTime, they're like. They talk like that, right? It's alarming and kind of adorable. Anyway, this is finally from the suspicious mustache man. I don't know. That doesn't sound like a real name to me. Anyway, he says, have you ever recorded a Christmas album? If not, would you consider recording one? Well, look, does anyone need a Christmas album from me? I don't. I don't think so. Although I will say this. I say that a lot, don't I? I think I say that a lot. I will say this. I say, I'm not gonna say things, and then I say, I will say this. I will say this, though. When I was doing Late Night, we used to do little songs the run up to Christmas. I would do Wail and Sweater and sing a song with a guest or something. I remember I particularly enjoyed singing a Christmas song with Pepe the King Prawn, who is definitely my favorite Muppet. I like all the Muppets. Of course, I'm not. I'm not a Muppet hater in any way, but Pepe the King Prawn, my favorite Muppet, and he's very funny. And he would wear a little Christmas sweater, and I'd wear a little Christmas sweater, and we. We sang a little song by the. By the Christmas tree. And if I miss anything in Late Night, and I don't miss much, to be honest, I certainly don't miss the schedule. And it was funny because I was talking to Jay. I told you at the start, I was with Jay Leno tonight, and we were talking about Late Night, and he was like, do you miss it? And I'm like, no, man, I don't miss it. I feel like I should miss it more. I said, I'm proud of it, and I'm glad I did that show. And I feel like it connected me with an audience that I still talk to today. I. I imagine most of you know me from Late Night, and I feel that's how we got to know each other. But, I mean, I know there's other things, and I was certainly involved in them, too, but a lot of my life has been affected by my time in Late Night, and I'm proud of it, and I'm glad I did it, and I'm glad I stopped doing it. And I don't feel like I don't miss it in that way. I don't feel nostalgic about it. I feel happy that I Did it, and I'm happy that it's done. And I said to him, do you miss it? And he was like, yeah. And I don't think he did. I believe him. I did it 10 years. Jay did it 22 years. There was no way I was doing it 22 years. And any of you guys that watched me on late night know, it was kind of amazing. I lasted 10, if you know anything about me, 10 years in any job. My feeling is what I like about show business, what I've always liked about show business, is the gig nature of it. Like, you do a job, it gets done and you move on to the next job. And things, of course, are changing in that regard. I mean, here I am doing a podcast. This doesn't really feel like a job, though. It feels more like a. Well, it's not. I mean, who's paying me? I'm putting up on you. I'm sure money's coming in somewhere, but there's not a lot of it. It's more about. I feel like it connects me. It connects me in some way to the people that I go out and perform to. I think. I think that's what this is about. And maybe it's just about checking in with people. I don't know. It feels like, necessary. But do I have miss late night? No, I don't miss late night. Would I consider recording a Christmas album? Ah, Never say never. I don't think it's going to happen yet. Maybe a drummer on a Christmas album, you know, just. You know what, Maybe I should record a Christmas album. I'd get to where I've got some great Christmas sweaters that great. And it's coming up to that. I can't wait to get home, actually. I'll be home in a few days and I think I'm going to go Christmas sweater, pajama pants. For a month. For a month, I have been all. I listen. I've been working on this job and the Scrabble job, and so I've been away. I've been working away from. I think I've been home a week since August. You know, it's a lot. You know, I mean, I've been having to catch up with my family in different towns and stuff. I mean, it's been. Been a lot. And finally. I know I was. I think I'll do one more. Yeah, I'll do one more quickly. After years of enjoying your. This is from David Merkes. I don't know where he's from. He doesn't say. After Years of enjoying your show on the YouTube and admiring your snake cup. I was compelled to purchase one. Damn you, he says. Now I'm in hot water with my wife, who's terrified of snakes. Listen, David, the snake cup is not a real snake. And if your wife is frightened of snakes, maybe. Maybe you shouldn't buy a snake cup. Why would you buy a snake cup? If your wife strikes the snakes like my wife? I'm gonna let you in a secret. My wife does not care for the band Coldplay. Doesn't like them at all. I don't mind them. They're all right, but she really doesn't like them. Would I listen to Coldplay around my wife? No. But would I listen to them when she's not around? Maybe. Maybe I would. I don't like them that much. They're okay. Oh, man. She sees that. She's got to be so mad. But I don't mind them. But what I'm saying is, when you're around your wife, she doesn't like snakes. Don't drink out your snake cup. Save it for when you're not around your wife. And conversely, if your wife doesn't like Coldplay, shut up about it. And don't get her in hot water with Coldplay fats anyway. She's allowed to not like. You're allowed to not like things. It's okay, because I think there is a kind of thing right now is if you don't like something, people will insult you. Like, oh, you don't like that you're a jerk or something. It's okay to like. For example, I do not like the taste of. I don't like shellfish. I don't like to eat shellfish. I don't like to eat lobster or crab, and crab in particular. I'm like, well, I can't eat it. I just don't want to eat it. Now, do I feel that people shouldn't eat it double? Do I think that people who like crap are stupid or wrong? No, it's just what they want. So bottom line is, if you buy a snake cup and your wife doesn't like snakes, then be judicial about your use of drinking out of the cup. And I feel that's about all I've got for you guys. I think I've been rambling a little bit, but of course, that's what I do here. It's nighttime here. I'm sure it's whatever time it is in your region. And I wish you a safe and healthy week. I'll see you next week. Where I'll do this from my home, I think. Which would be. That'll be nice. All right. I'll talk to you guys next week. Take care of yourself. Be well. Talk to you soon. Bye. Sa.