← Joy with Craig Ferguson
Joy with Craig Ferguson
Coffee With Craig
00:34:14
The fans keep submitting them, so Craig keeps answering them. This week on the Joy podcast Craig is one again answering the fan tweets and emails. From questions about paranormal experiences, tattoos, his late show, and maybe even a couple takes on...
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This is me, Craig Ferguson. I'm inviting you to come and see my brand new comedy hour. Well, it's actually, it's about an hour and a half and I don't have an opener because these guys cost money. But what I'm saying is I'll be on stage for a while anyway. Come and see me live on the Pants on Fire tour in your region. Tickets are on sale now and we'll be adding more as the Tour continues throughout 2025 and beyond. For a full list of dates, go to thecraigfergusonshow.com See you on the road, my dears. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Joy Podcast. My name is Craig Ferguson and this is the Joy Podcast where the guest today is again. You. You are the guest again today. I am. I am still in London. I don't know if you can see out there. Look how actually its buildings don't look that very nice, doesn't it? Well, they are nice. It's just a bad light they're in. A bit like myself, if you remember the old late night show I used to do, you've seen me in bad lighting before. So if you've seen me in the streets, sometimes people are like, oh, Craig, we didn't know you were so well lit in real life. And that's because I am better lit in real life than I ever am on anything I ever do, decority wise, I'll say that. Anyway, do you know what it is? I'm getting older. You don't look as good as you get older. Look at these buildings there, they're getting older. They looked great when they went up. No. Anyway, I'm in London. As you can probably tell from people enjoying fish and chips in their houses through there, I'm still in London. I'm going to be leaving London tomorrow and heading to Los Angeles, California. So next week you will be the guest again, I think. But you'll be the guest in Los Angeles. So come with me, why don't you? As I travel from. Well, no, you stay where you are and I'll be here until tomorrow and then I'll be going to Los Angeles where I used to live, but I don't live there anymore. I live in New York now, which is not here. Anyway, so what we've been doing on this podcast, as regular viewers, listeners will know, is that because I'm on the road right now, working, doing various bits and pieces, I don't have really the schedule or the time to book a guest that I can talk to. So what we do is we do coffee time together. This is my coffee, which actually I've kind of finished it already because I was putting this together. Fun. It's kind of cold, but awesome. I do like cold coffee and we have coffee time together, people. You, I guess, send in questions and I will answer them to the best of my ability. And that's what I'm going to do today. So it's a bit like live streaming, except it's not live and we're not streaming. But other than that, it's live streaming. What I am going to do, actually it's been suggested to me that we do do live streaming podcasts and I will do that. I'm just. I can't really do it right now, but. But I will do it. I'm happy to do it. Anyway, this first question is from Mark Barlow in Wichita, Kansas. I have been to Wichita, Kansas. I once actually bought an airplane in Wichita, Kansas. Did you know that? Yeah, they have a Cessna factory there and years and years and years ago I bought a Cessna 182A T.182T, which is a four seat airplane with a pretty decent sized engine in it. It's a Textron like Coaming. I think it's like 380 horsepower or something. Anyway, it's a Turbo 182T. I can't remember. Some aviation geeks will shame me about it. But. But I had an airplane and I flew it back from Wichita, Kansas when I was into flying small airplanes. I don't really do that anymore because if you think it's hard to find time to book a guest for a podcast, try to find time to keep yourself current in small airplanes. And I will say this about small airplanes, don't mess around in them unless you know what you're doing. I think you have to be current in small airplanes. And by that I mean you have to do it often and be very safety conscious. I certainly feel that way. Anyway, I have since sold that airplane. I don't currently own an airplane, which probably puts me in a position of most people. Anyway, it was a small airplane. It was a lovely airplane. I no longer have it and I'm okay with that. Anyway, Mark Barlow from Wichita, Kansas says, what's the most haunted place you've ever been in? I've encountered some weird stuff in my life and I figured since you travel so much, you must have come across some proper ghoulish apparitions. You know what? I actually, I have stayed in a couple of haunted places that are. I Think haunted. First of all, I grew up in Scotland, so haunted as, like, just haunted everywhere. And then it's very haunty. And then I stayed in my. I talked about this in a couple of standup specials ago. A while ago, I talked about this. But it doesn't matter. I can't remember it. So I'll remember it now. If I can't remember it, chances are you can't either. I stayed at a place called the Hasayampa Inn in Prescott, Arizona. I was there to see my friend John, who at the time lived in Prescott, Arizona. He. You see, you pronounce it Prescott, like biscuit, apparently. So. Prescott, Arizona, not Prescott. That's. It's a very different type of talking. Priscuit, Arizona, or Priscuit, Arizona. There's a place called the Hassayampa Inn. And I think. I can't remember what it was. I turned up late, late at night, and they only had one room left. I got in there late. They had one room left. And it was room. I think room 426. I think that was what it was. 426. It was the only one left. And it was the. Apparently it was the honeymoon suite or something. They said, well, this is the only one we've got left. I'm like, fine. Okay. So it wasn't super expensive or anything. It was a lovely hotel, a very nice hotel, but it wasn't super expensive. I said, fine, I'll take it. I'm on my own, but I'll muscle through. That doesn't sound good. I was on my own. I'd be fine. Anyway, there was a big storm coming into Prescott. So I thought, well, getting at a hotel because I was in my car, I wasn't. I should have got there in a little airplane, but that would have been a whole different thing. Anyway, I was in my car, and I parked my car outside and I. I went into the hotel room. I think it was room 426. And my phone ran out of batteries and my cell phone, which is. You're familiar with those. So my cell phone ran out of batteries and my charger was in the car. And I thought, oh, God, I'm not good at that weather. It's horrible. So I thought, you can manage for a night without your phone. So the phone went down and there was some books lying around. So I picked up a book and I started to read it and I fell asleep. And I woke up in the middle of the night, like, terrified. Like, it was like horrible atmosphere. I was like, oh, My God. And I turned the light on, and I was like, oh, this feels weird. And I kind of thought, well, I got to my car, but it was still horrible weather. And I went. And eventually I kind of was very uncomfortable for a long time. I felt weird and scared. And I thought, I have to get out of this room. So I put on some clothes because I'd fallen asleep in bed. And I went downstairs and there was a ghostly apparition at the front desk. I went out to the parking lot and I got my phone, and I took my phone with me, and I plugged it into the charger. So I was sitting in my car. Cause I was too scared to go back to my room. And the phone charge came up and it said. I thought, well, I wonder if the Hasayampa Hotel is haunted. So I googled it, and it was very haunted, apparently, according to the Internet, which, you know, is very. It's full of truth and never any hyperbole whatsoever. But I. Even now, this is not hyperbolic. So I googled the Hasayampen and it said, very haunted. One of the most haunted hotels in Arizona. And it said, on no account saying, stay in room 426. That was the room I was in. I nearly shit myself right there when I told you. And I was like, oh, my God. And apparently what happened back in the day, like back in the 1920s or something, there was a woman there. She was on her honeymoon. So obviously there was a man. Well, obviously it could have been a woman. A woman and a man. I don't want to get into that. Anyway, there was a man and woman had checked into the hotel. And I don't know what the story. It's a very vague story, but apparently a man and woman had checked into the hotel, and it was their honeymoon. And he went out to get a packet of cigarettes. You got to remember it was the 1920s and you were allowed to smoke. He went out to get a packet of cigarettes and he never came back. And then she was in the room for three days and then apparently killed herself. I know it sounds a little odd, doesn't it? It sounds like. Wait, that there's a lot of holes in this story, but that's the story that I could find out from the Internet was, you know, that. Something like that. And it was a very haunted room. Now, look, I don't know if there's such a thing as ghosts, but that was a very haunty place, and it felt very haunty, and I was scared. And if, you know Anything about me, you know, I scare easy. I scare easy. I'm not one of those people who said, I never get scared. I always get scared. I'm a little scared now. Cause some of these houses back there, they could be haunted. This is London, very haunted place. I think it's a funny thing, ghosts, because you think if you did see a ghost, wouldn't that be reassuring? Because then you'd be like, well, clearly there's an afterlife, so good. Or maybe that wouldn't be very reassuring because you think, well, I better behave myself or better tidy up my. Ow. Look, I'm sure there'll be plenty of opinions about this. All I'm saying is when I stayed at the Hasayampa Inn, I think it was room 426. Don't quote me on that. It was definitely the Hasayampa Inn, though, because I remember Hasayampa is. I think it's Evapi Indians. And I think that was a word that. That they had. It was a Uavapi Indian word or Evapi Native American, I should say, that lived there. And I think Hasayampa was their word for something. I don't know what it was. Probably haunty, Haunty place. Hasayampa. All right. This is from Thomas in Raleigh, North Carolina. And Thomas says, I'm just moving stuff. I don't know if you can tell. It looks like a spider, doesn't it? Remember that on the late night show, Spider Thingy Bong Night? Gosh, we had no material on that show. Just like that. If you had to erect a Mount Rushmore, Thomas and Raleigh, North Carolina says, if you had to erect a Mount Rushmore of artists, four artists from any artistic medium, who would they be and why can be in any medium of art? Well, that would be impossible to only choose four people. That's crazy. I couldn't just have four people in any medium of art. Have you noticed the lights changing here, by the way? Because it's getting dark outside since I started talking about hauntiness. Also, it is getting dark outside since I started talking about hauntiness. The light has changed because it's getting darker outside. Anyway, Thomas in Raleigh, North Carolina, says if you had any. Yeah. A Mount Rushmore of artists. Four artists from any artistic medium, who would they be and why? Can be in any medium of art. Nah, I couldn't do it. Like, even in any medium of art, like music or comedy or painting or. I could do it. I also. I don't. I don't know that I hold with the idea now. I know this is not what you're saying, Thomas, but it kind of got me onto this. Thinking about this. Do you know when people say, like, the best musician of the 21st century, or the best song or the best artist or the best. I feel like we're obsessed with ranking things, and I don't really understand it because, you know, just because one thing's great, does it make it? I mean, my mood changes even with songs, you know, like, if you. If you like, that is the greatest song ever. Like, Eye of the Tiger is the greatest song. It's. No, but, but, but say it was. Eye of the Tiger is a great song, but Free Bird is a great song. Anarchy in the UK is a great song. Why is one song. You know, Tom Sawyer by Rush? I don't even like Rush, but some of their songs are great, so maybe I do like Rush. I think there's a. There's a desire, and I'm guilty of this as well. I think there's a desire to kind of make a decision about everything all the time. Now, I'm not saying Tomas or Thomas, I'm not saying that you're like this, but the idea that you would only pick four artists, I mean, it's a nice way to start a conversation, obviously, but. And then people would pick other artists that they like, and I get it, but even the actual Mount Rushmore, there's some controversy there about who's up there, and do we add more? Did we take it away? Should we have done it in the first place? I don't know. It wasn't me who did it, so don't get mad at me. Anyway, I don't know. I feel like great art, which is what we're talking about, I suppose, whether it be music or comedy or drama or painting or sculpture or anything like that, is, of course, subjective. Isn't it? Isn't it? Beauty is, in fact, in the eye of the beholder. Oh, my goodness. That's what it is. So I couldn't do that. Because the eye of the beholder, not the eye of the tiger, the eye of the beholder, which is, in this case, my eye. Cause Thomas asked me the question. The eye of the beholder changes, doesn't it? Like songs that I loved, and then maybe I hear them too much, or I'm sick of that song, or a painting that I loved. But then paintings kind of tend to stay with you, I guess. But I've got plenty of room for more. More art, more paintings, more appreciation. So I'm not for monuments to artists. I'm not sure. I think the art is the monument, isn't it? That's what I think. I think there's no reason to put up monuments to artists because the monument already exists with the art. I think we all learned something there. I certainly did. Anyway, thanks, Thomas. That was an interesting question. This is Lucas from Brazil. Okay. I didn't know I knew anyone in Brazil. I don't. But I've never been to Brazil. Do you know what? I'm out of coffee. And they do, but not a lot of coffee. They have a lot of coffee in Brazil. I believe there's a song about that. Lucas from Brazil says, I don't know if you're tired of answering questions about the old late night show. No, I'm okay. But I wanted to know if the little budget you had on the show felt better. As a comedian. Do you feel it forced more creativity out of you or a big problem for writing, planning bits and sketches? You know, it was both. It was both, Lucas. I remember. I remember thinking that it was useful to have, you know, because we did the skeleton and we kind of cobbled it together and we did the at pantomime Horse and we threw that together. And the kind of low budget feel for the show. I think people liked it, and I certainly liked it. It was funny and ramshackle and kind of a little wild. But there were a couple of things that I wanted to do in that show, and we never did them. One, I always remember, because it really sticks in my mind. I had an idea to do a video. Now, we never made this, but this was the idea to do a video for a Friday night show. And it was to get the Cure song Friday I'm in Love. And what we were going. I wanted to do was to get Don Rickles. The great Don Rickles was still alive at the time. And I wanted Don to. To lip sync Friday I'm in Love. It's getting spooky around here, isn't it? It's because the light's changing. I wanted Don to lip sync Friday I'm in Love in a car. In a convertible car. He was gonna lip sync Freddie I'm in Love. And then he was gonna get out of the car, and we were gonna get him in a little plane and. And fly him to Las Vegas. And we were going to have him do this big number where Don would do Friday I'm in Love, the Cure song, with showgirls and Vegas and fireworks and all that. And I pitched it to Peter LaSalle. Who was my boss late night at the time. Peter was like, ah, that sounds like it might be fun. And I think it would have been fun. And we cleared the song. The. The Cure cleared the song for us and we were allowed to do it. And Don said, yep, I'll do it. Which was amazing. But we didn't have any money. We couldn't do it. We couldn't do it because we didn't have any money. And I thought, I wonder now, this was a long time ago. I can't even remember when Don died, but it was a long time ago. And it was in the time when I was doing all the puppets and all that stuff. So it was in that period of, of the old late night show. So I guess like 2010, something like that. So that's 15 years ago. But I always wonder, I wonder what that would have been like. I bet it would have been great because Don was still, you know, he was still ambulatory at the time. He, you know, he wasn't, he wasn't brave and his legs were a bit sore, but he could have done it and he was up for it. And, and we could have just made this big mad thing. I had a real vision for it. And we never did it. And we never did it because we didn't have the money. And so when people say, oh, you know, not having the money was good, I think it was, but I think it was a double edged sword because I think there were. That wasn't the only thing that we didn't do. There were other things that we didn't do. And. Hang on a second, let me just get the computer. I don't know, I feel like on balance it would have probably been better to have more money, but we didn't. So we did what we could at the time and I guess that's what everybody does. You do what you do at the time. I don't regret it as such. I just kind of think about it sometimes. I just wonder. Anyway, I'm not going to do it now. Dawn's gone and I don't do that kind of thing anymore. All right. This is from Ahmed in Ireland. Ireland, eh? I like Ireland. I've been to Ireland. Do you know, the first time I went to Ireland, I got Covid. I never went to Ireland for ages and then I went to Ireland and I got. The first time I got Covid, I went to see the Book of Kells and it was later on in the COVID Covid had kind of. It was like 20, 21. I didn't get it right away. And then in 2021, I went to see the Book of Kells in Dublin, and it was a very hot day and there was a lot of Americans all visiting the Book of Kells and they were all ha. Breathing. And a lot of Irish people breathing. A lot of tourists breathing around the Book of Kells. Oh, that looks great, doesn't it? The Book of Kells. Oh, honey, come and see this. The Book of Kells. Anyway, I go, somebody in there breathed their Covid juice on me and I got Irish Covid, or what we call the leprechauvid high diddly. I had a high diddly fever. And anyway, that's beside the point. Amit from Ireland says, how do you handle evil? Okay, that's an interesting question. There's some more to this question. So let me just. Ahmed says, how do you handle evil? I was let go unfairly from my previous job and now an illegal eviction. I try to take responsibility for myself, but I am unjustly being punished because of others thorny problem. That is a thorny problem. When other people treat you unfairly, how do you handle it? God, it's a hard question to answer. And I kind of wish you hadn't asked it and I kind of wish I hadn't read it out. But I've read it out, so I'll struggle with it a bit and we'll see. The idea of other people being assholes to you, I suppose the only real answer is I've had people behave like assholes to me sometimes in the moment. I guess it's about what do you do to minimize the damage. For example, if you let go from a job, you're like, fuck it, I better find another job. So that's what you try and do. And. And then an illegal eviction. Geez, getting kicked out your house when you shouldn't be kicked out your house. I don't know, man. Look, there is evil in the world for sure. How do you deal with it? I don't know. Try and avoid it, I guess. The only thing I do know is that when I encounter it, when I encounter people that I don't like or people that are scary or evil and stuff like that, I just try to get the fuck away from them as quickly as I can, you know, because I scare easily. I think we've been on that before. So when people are evil, how do you stop them? I don't know. I don't know. There seem to be plenty of them kicking around right now, but There always are. I feel like there's a philosophical tenet to this. The problem of evil. Who said that? I can't remember. I need to look up. It's a complex issue. And I'm sorry that I can't be of more help to you, Ahmed. I hope you find a new house and get a new job. I don't want to be flippant about it. I just. I don't fucking know. It's an in the moment thing, isn't it? All right, see what else we got. I feel like I really let you down there, Ahmed. I don't know. All right, this is from Mr. F8G. No, Mr. FG813. Mr. FG813. Easy to remember. MrFG813 says, what are your thoughts on the nature of consciousness? What are your thoughts on the nature of consciousness? Is that the same thing as asking about your thoughts on thoughts? Sure. But say yes. I have no idea what you're talking about. Gosh. And look, can I just mention to you, I mean, these questions are getting too hard. Like, the reason I'm doing the question and answer thing is because, you know, it's like I'm super busy and I'm trying to be. But you were asking me about the nature of evil or consciousness. Look, let's be clear about this. I'm like a vulgar lounge entertainer, right? I host game shows or late night shows, or I do a little bit of stand up here and there. Maybe I write something down or maybe write a book or two. But I'm not a life coach. I'm not Tony Robbins. I can't tell you how to live your life, nor am I interested in telling you how to live your life. All right, what else we got? This is from. Hang on a second. Sorry, everybody. I'm really dadding out on this computer. Now. This. This is more the type of question I'm looking for. This is from Blame Blamer says, for some reason I want to ask about your favorite pair of trousers. Now we're back in a world where I'm comfortable. I'm pretty sure there's a funny story in there somewhere. Why did you have to put that bit in? Now I feel duty bound to tell a funny story. And I don't have a funny story about my favorite pair of trousers. I do have a favorite pair. Actually, I don't have a favorite pair of trousers. It goes back to the art question. Some days I like to wear different trousers from other days. I will say this, though, and I know this is Controversial and this is going to set the Internet on fire, but I'm going to say it. I think men my age should stop wearing shorts. I've said it. I don't think men in their 60s, that's me, I don't think we should wear shorts, especially short shorts and especially on airplanes. I sat next to a guy on an airplane, he must have been about my age and he was wearing short, not shorty shorts, not like booty shorts. But he was wearing shorts that were shorts. They weren't like long down to the knee things with pockets in them. They were shorts for like playing a sport of some kind on an airplane. It was like a four hour flight or something and he's wearing shorts and his legs were, look, I'm not trying to body shame him, but look, his legs were, they weren't pleasant to look at. Now that's fine, he's allowed to have his legs out, but I wish he hadn't. But during the flight he moisturized his legs. I feel that's a private thing to do, isn't it? You don't sit next to someone on an airplane and moisturize your legs. To be honest, I can't recall if I've ever moisturized my legs. Now I'm not trying to shame anyone for leg moisturizing. If you want to have fresh looking legs, good for you. And certainly probably my legs need moisturized. But I feel like maybe a more effective way to keep your legs fresh would to have them hermetically sealed in a long trouser of some kind where the atmosphere would be more humid, more human inside. And you can keep your legs nice and fresh like a stay fresh bag, like a, like a bag of trousers. Because if you're in, if your legs are out you in the dry over an airplane, they're going to need moisturized. So get them in. This is my tip for you. For those of us I'm about to take a long flight tomorrow, I will be wearing trousers to keep my legs fresh. So that when I arrive in Los Angeles everyone will go, wow, look who's back in town, Mr. Fresh Legs. And I'll be like, how do everybody? It's nice to see you. I've got something else to say about shorts as well. I used to think, I realized now I was wrong about this. But I used to think why do people with leg tattoos always feel like they have to wear shorts? And then I realized they don't, they don't always feel they have to wear shorts. It's just that I Only see their leg tattoos when they're wearing shorts. So people could be walking around with leg tattoos, but we wearing long pants and I would know. What I'm saying is this is the kind of things that I say to myself to amuse myself as I observe the human race. Not always with despair, by the way. I think sometimes the temptation is to go. It's never been as bad as this, but it has. It's been a lot worse sometimes, actually. So just thought I'd say that about shorts. All right, what else have we got? I'm glad I got asked about trousers, though. I felt. Felt a little more comfortable. That question about the nature of evil. I'm poor, boy. That was not what I was looking for at all. All right, I'm trying to find something. Man. It's gotten really scary in here now. Look at. Look at all this. Welcome to my scary place in London. We're about to leave this little place. I've been here for a while now. I've been bouncing around. I went to New York and I came back, and now I'm going to. And I'm going to Los Angeles tomorrow. I'm getting a bit tired of all the travel. But, you know, I will say this. This is a phrase that I use a lot, isn't it? I've heard myself saying it now. I will say this, and then I say a thing. I wonder if it's. I don't know why that is some kind of verbal tic. Anyway, I will say this, and I've always said this about performing and the job that I do, whether it's like filming or any of the things that I do to earn my living. I feel like I do it for free. But they pay me for the travel. That's what I always say to my wife, actually. Like, oh, the show I do for free because I love my job. I love the things, I love doing the things I do. I like to do this kind of work. But the travel sometimes, especially as you get older and you sit next to a guy that moisturizes his legs on a plane, like, come on, man, you know, go on a pair of pants, keep your legs fresh a different way. If you take nothing away from this episode of the podcast, take this away in order to keep your legs fresh. Gentlemen, over the age of 60, get yourself a nice pair of trousers that seal in the freshness. And don't wear shorts and put Saran Wrap on your legs. That's not the same. And it's going to make you uncomfortable. It'll make you itchy. Wear cloth trousers over a natural leg. What the fuck I'm talking about? Anyway, look, I'm traveling tomorrow. I don't have time to have a guest on the podcast, so that's why we did another Coffee with Craig episode. I'm out of coffee. I'm out of time. Well, I hope I'm not out of time, but you know what I mean. It's like I'm. I'm done. Done for now. It's getting dark here in London and I'm a little scared because, you know, haunted here. Haunted by the ghost of a man who moisturizes his own legs. They do say on a dark night. On a dark night when the moon is full, you will see old Fresh Legs Bob wandering from town to town, keeping his legs fresh using the blood of his victims. Well, that's a bit grizzly, isn't it? I don't think it happens, so I don't think it really happened. It's just a movie. Don't worry, it's just a movie idea. Fresh Legs Bob. It's a horror movie. A London like the time of Jack the Ripper. Guy who kills people and moisturizes his legs with their blood. Never work, would it? Stay tuned. Thanks, guys. Talk to you soon. Bye.