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This is me, Craig Ferguson. I'm inviting you to come and see my brand new comedy hour. Well, it's actually about an hour and a half and I don't have an opener because these guys cost money. But what I'm saying is I'll be on stage for a while anyway. Come and see me live on the Pants on Fire tour in your region. Tickets are on sale now and we'll be adding more as the Tour continues throughout 2025 and beyond. For a full list of dates, go to thecraigfergusonshow.com See you on the road, my dears.

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Hello, everyone. My name is Craig Ferguson. Welcome to the Joy Podcast. Today's episode of the Joy Podcast is coming to you from a quiet time. What it is is this. It's. If you're a regular listener or viewer to this podcast, you will know that sometimes when I'm working very hard, which I am at the moment, I don't have time to have a guest or it's inopportune moment to have a guest. And so what I do instead is I do tweets and emails. Like the old late night show. The tweets and the emails, they're coming in and they're gonna be a laugh. The tweets and the emails to come in something. Something giraffe. Anyway, look, the. The situation at the moment is this. I am working very hard and I'm traveling a lot. So the last episode of the podcast was I was talking to my friend Tim, Tim Selden, previous episode. Click on it if you like. And that was very nice and he's a lovely guest. But now I'm in New York and that's not a long time ago I was doing that podcast. I'm in New York now and I'm going back to London today, tomorrow. Anyway, so this is jet lag. This is a jet lag edition of the. Of the Joy podcast where you are the guest. Welcome to my world of jet lag with the strange business of, you know, waking up at odd times, falling asleep at odd times, and the, the strange constipation that seems to come with jet lag. Maybe that's just me, but I, I know that, you know, I'm, I'm a fairly regular fella. I don't want to get graphic with you, but I'm a fairly regular guy. I get up in the morning, take care of business, but I, I j, like, slows things down. Apparently in the military, I have a friend who's a helicopter pilot in the British army. And he was, he's retired now, but he said in the military, what they used to do was they would account for. They would say getting over JLAG is about, about a day for every hour time zone that you pass. You know, I don't know that they gave them in for it or I don't know if you could even take anything for it. Anyway, it's a quality problem, I suppose. And oh, I've got such terrible jet lag. I've been traveling or a jet because I'm an international jet setter. Anyway, that's what apparently the military, their idea of jet lag is it takes about a week for a seven hour flight to get rid of all the jet lag, whether or not that matters. And also for pilots, I guess it's got to be a thing. Hey, write in pilots. Let me know if you're an airline pilot and you cover a lot of time zones. Write in and let me know how you battle the jet lag, if you care about it or if you think it's just like not a real thing like ghosts or Narnia or other things that aren't real. Careful. All right, so here are the tweets and emails that be coming. There's a lot coming in. I think this is my, My secret opinion, by the way. I think you guys prefer it when it's just you and me talking. I don't know if you. I don't know if you guys like putting. We have other people around for dinner. I think you like it. It's like just us talking. You ask me questions, I'll. I'll, you know, I'll fill you in as best I can. I'm sorry for. I'm wearing my cozy thing because it's. I'm looking at myself, which is terrible thing to be wearing a cozy thing because. Because I'm trying to get sleep. I can't sleep. So I'm doing an episode of the podcast and this is me send you to sleep. And they send me to sleep. I don't know. Anyway, what I'm saying is I think you guys prefer. But it's just us because it seems like more people watch and listen to the podcast when it's just me and you talk. So I don't know, who am I to judge? All right, this is from Gail Gilroy. Doesn't say where she's from, so I'll throw the tweet away. Obviously Gail says, what are your thoughts on revenge? It's pretty benign. 4x only involves a strongly worded letter Is it better to turn the other cheek or is it really realistic? Well, that's a good question. Revenge. You know, I think revenge is probably a bit like Cheetos, you know, delicious, but probably not that good for you. That's, that's my feel about revenge and Cheetos. I will say this, though, a strongly worded letter to your ex. It doesn't sound like revenge to me. Sounds like I'm going to say a thing. And whilst I understand the impulse of. That this is. Look, however you do it is up to you. But what I do is most of the time when I. This is from years of experience because I am no, 63 years old. I mean, this is unbelievable to me. I mean, if you said to anyone when I was young, wonder what he'll be like at 63, they'd be like, Anyway, I'm 63 years old. Not that they would, they would die if you asked them that what the implication was there that people would have probably thought 63 is the number that they saw me get into. But, you know, I have to say this. When I was 29, I, you know, straightened out, sobered up, fly right. A little more. Anyway, so anyway, here I am, 63, and here's what I have learned. One of the things I have learned through multiple times when I probably should have done this, I feel like shutting up is nearly always saying this. From a guy who really makes his living by talking. Shutting up is nearly always the best thing to do. I really believe that, which is, I know, a real irony because all I do is talk all the time. But trust me, if I could make a living doing anything else, if I was like, you know, if I could make a living like being a carpenter or, you know, I'd be a quiet carpenter or if I could make a living being a plumber, you'd hardly get worn out of me. I mean, if I could make a living, you know, driving a big truck. But I, I think I'd be crap at all these things. And I mean, I like to do them. I just don't think I'd make a living to it. And so here's what I do. I talk for a living. But the irony being, though, I do believe that nearly always the best thing in the situation to do is to shut up, particularly if emotions are involved. So whenever I have, I have this rule. I don't know if you guys can relate to this. I never send an email if it's dark. Is that weird? Is that an OCD thing? I'll tell you Why? I don't. Because ofttimes I'm like, especially if I'm angry, which I know, obviously as someone who works in show business, I never get angry. But if I did get angry, like normal people sometimes do, must be awful for them. If I get angry, I will write a strongly worded email like Gail was talking about sometimes, and then I won't send it till the morning. And every single time, every single time I've looked at that email in the morning, I went, you know what? Fuck that. Just let it go. Or even if I don't let it go, I come at it from a slightly different perspective. So all I'm saying is, Gail, do you really need to say that? Do you really need to say it? And if you do really need to say it, just say it. Because do you need it written down to be brought up later in court? That's all I'm saying. All right, So I hope that helps. Gail, this is from Eden. Eden says. I don't know, Eden's just got one name, like Sting or Cheetos says. Eden, what is the last thing you changed your opinion on? Also, what is your favorite kind of Oreo? Well, that's two questions there. And complicated. You sneak the next one. It's interesting from a person who only has one name, sneak in two questions. Feel like there's a double standard going on there. Eden, what was the last thing you changed your opinion on? Gosh, I changed my opinion all the time. I guess I've changed my opinion so many times that I don't want to talk to you about what I've changed my opinion on in case I changed my opinion on. I will say this, though, and this is. I believe this to be true. Sometimes when you talk or write as much as I do, and that's a lot, you know, and sometimes. Sometimes it's not hosting a late night show, or sometimes it's not hosting a game show or something like that. Sometimes it's not doing standout comedy. Sometimes I actually write things down, like books, for example, and screenplays, which I've been working on, actually. And one of them is, well, I will get that. That's one of the things that's not for now, anyway. The. But when I've looked at stuff that I wrote down maybe 10, 20, gosh, even more than that, 30 years ago, I look at the work, and most of the time I think, oh, yeah, it's all right, but. Or it was what it was at the time. But sometimes I will read stuff that I've Written a long time ago. And I think that is not what I would have said now. But I guess that's part of getting older, isn't it? I mean, you change your mind, is it? Winston Churchill said, if you feel the same at 50 as you did when you were 20, you've wasted 30 years of your life. Now, I don't know if that's entirely true, you know, I mean, I didn't agree with Churchill on everything. I did agree with him on stand up to Nazis and, you know, don't let them. Don't let Hitler over here and all that and don't make pals with Hitler. But you know, Churchill. I don't know if a lot of Americans know this. Churchill's mother was American, although he's the quintessential British leader, English leader, let's be honest. He and is of course revered greatly by the Brits. His mother was American, which he used to great effect during the war when he was trying to persuade everybody to come on board. Anyway, I don't want to get into that, but I guess I may have changed my opinion on Churchill a little bit. There are parts of Churchill. When Churchill was young, I was like, oh, yeah. And then when he got older, it was like, wait a minute. Or the other way around. Sometimes he was younger, like, oh, wait a minute. And then we got older, I was like, oh, yeah, life is complicated. It's not all. It's not all binary. Do you know when people talk about nowadays like it's never been this divided and people are so eyed by each other and all that, and clearly that is true, but I wonder if that's a product of the fact that we live in an age where our information is binary. It's a one or a zero. The science, digital technology is based on ones and zeros. So it's either on or off. I wonder if that's infected all sphere of political thought. I look forward to your ansells agreeing with me vociferously or disagreeing with me vociferously. See what I did? All right, all right. Julie Reid. This is a proper good. Two names, Julie. Not that having one name is wrong. You can have one name if you want, like Sting or Christmas. Julie Reid says your autobiography came out 2010. I think it was 2009, but we'll go with it. Your autobiography came out in 2009. A lot has happened since then. Tell me about it. Have you considered a second volume? I have. I wrote one. It came out in 2019. It's called riding the Elephant. And it is a kind of second volume of the autobiography. It starts the book Riding the Elephant when me finishing it, Late Night, which the American On Purpose kind of ended with. The end of Late Night. Well, it didn't really, because I did it for another four years after that, but I did write another one. It's a funny thing about autobiography because the one I wrote in 2009, American on Purpose, which I'm very proud of, and it was a very, very successful book. New York Times bestseller, actually. And this is. I'm in New York right now, although I don't see a copy of it anywhere. So it tells you what that is. It doesn't do. Again, anyway, the book did very well. But when you write a book American on Purpose, that book was very splashy and very big and very kind of celebrity autobiography thing. And the next book I wrote, I felt was more reflective. The Riding the Elephant book was more reflective. And it was when I had stopped doing late Night. I'd been out in late night five years or so when I wrote it. So it had a different feel for me. Certainly it was more meditative and less splashy of a book. It certainly sold less copies, which is of no real consequence. But what it did was that it allowed me to write a book where I could be a little slowed down a little bit, I think when you write. Especially the first book. The first book I wrote was not an autobiography. It was a novel called between the Bridge and the River. But I talked about that, I think, last time we spoke. Anyway, I'm just noticing I need a haircut. Sorry, everybody. It's an odd time of day to be doing this, but, you know, here we are, we're doing it. Katie from Perth, Australia. Now, Katie's not put her second name unless her second name is from. Katie from Perth, Australia. From's a real name, so it could be that. So Katie Fromm, or Ms. Fromm, as we will call her now, Katie from Perth, Australia. Hey, Craig, if you lived in the old times, what kind of job do you think you would have done? For example, blacksmith, plowman, leech collector, that kind of thing? Well, first of all, I think I would have done exactly the same job in the olden times. I think I would have. I would have just been the village idiot. That's my job now, isn't it? Just talk and say stuff and hope you don't get your head cut off. But sooner or later, anyway. Perth, Australia, of course, named after Perth, Scotland. I've never been to Perth, Australia, but I have Been to Perth, Scotland, and it is. This may surprise you. A beautiful town. Perth in Scotland is a beautiful town. If you ever get the chance to visit it, go ahead and get there. It's great. Now, I'm not saying Perth, Australia isn't, but usually things are opposite in Narnia. So maybe it isn't a beautiful town. Although I have talked to people who have been to Perth, Australia, and they assure me it is a beautiful town. So go figure. You make assumptions about things and you're often wrong. All right. Or I am certainly. This is from Laurel Shaisal. Wow, that's a very nice name. Laurel Schaissel or Schlaso or maybe Laurel Slashing, I don't know. But however she pronounces it, I can't put an accent on it. But she hasn't stated where she's from. So I can't do the, you know, oh, she's German. I can't do any of that. I didn't do it for anyone else. Maybe I should do it. From Katie from Perth, Australia. Right, Kyrie, looking right nice. That was my Australian accent. I look forward to your letters of support. My friends in Australia, you know, I do feel an affinity with people from Australia, people from the south of America, people from many places that have accents. You know, people who speak English but they have an accented English as their first language because it's one of those things. Whenever you run into people that don't have your accent, five times out of 10 people will do your accent to you as a way of greeting. Like Regis, you still, was it to me, the great Regis Philbin, who I loved very much. Regis, you still, whenever I met me, you go, oh, Kuson. I was like, knock it off, Regis. It's just offensive. But he didn't think it was. And I didn't think it was either. But I would say it because I was messing with them. Because back in the day, you know, friends would mess with each other, say, well, we still do that. You know, I did that with my friends. I'm careful not to do it with people who are not my friends, though, because you never know how someone's going to react. I think that's just manners. Do it with your friends. You can mess around with your friends, but don't assume that someone has your point of view or can take your messing around. I think I'm talking to myself here. All right, well, clearly I'm talking to myself. Everyone else is asleep and I've got jet lag. This is from Laurel. Anyway, Sorry, everybody. I'll get back to what I'm doing. Laurel says, although I enjoy the conversation style podcasts, when you have guests, I just want to enjoy your morning coffee chats when you muse and share anecdotes. Oh, this is the episode for you. L' rail morning coffee chats. It's morning. I guess it might be something you want to continue every now and again when you get back to New York City and your regularly scheduled life. Well, what a surprise, because that's exactly what I'm doing right now. Life is a little irregular for me at the moment. We talked about that earlier. When I've got jet lag, I don't quite, you know, get my business done in the gentleman's department. Not the gentleman's department, the everybody's department. You know what I'm saying? Milk, milk, lemonade, round the back. You know what I'm talking about? Okay, so what I'm saying is things aren't as regular right now because I've got jet lag. But, you know, I'm drinking nice strong coffee and you don't need to know this anyway. Yes, I do. I have to say, I do like doing these solo podcasts because I feel like there's something weirdly liberating about what I'm doing right now, which is talking to you directly. I like talking to people. I do. I like talking to people and I like listening to people. I do like listening to people. I'm interested in what people say and in people's lives, particularly, because everybody has a story. And I. I'm fascinated by. See a lot of my life and I still do this a little bit, but not as much. I try to remember now that everybody has an ego and everybody has a story. Everybody, not just celebrities or people who write books or movies or people who. But like the busboy has a story and will tell you if you're polite and get to open up to you. The. The lady that works in the dry cleaner, if we start talking, I'll hear her story. And I'm like, oh, my God, I had no idea. And I particularly enjoy that. And I suppose that's why I ended up doing the job I do. By the very nature of doing late night television, I suppose the people you talk to tend to be in show business, but that's not always my favorite type of person to talk to. There's plenty of interesting people in show business, but there's plenty of interesting people who are not in show business, and I like talking to them. So when I do this Podcast. Because when I did the podcast before it was owned by me on my own, you would get a little push from people saying, look at more celebrity guests. I'm like, why? I mean, everybody's got a story and why can't we just have somebody else on? Like, some of the guests I've had on this podcast are not people that you would normally run into in the show business world. And I really like that not having against show business. It's given me my life. I love show business, but it ain't the only business. It's not the only business. I know. I know other people. So when I sang the song there's no business like show business, I'm like, well, I wouldn't have been able to write that song because I would have written, there's plenty of businesses like show business. Everybody's kind of the same. There are lots of people who are clever. There are lots of people who are douchebags. There are lots of people who are interesting if you could just get them to tell you. Just don't get the same ring upon. It has it. All right. This is from Debbie Sheen. Debbie says dear Craig. She doesn't say where she's from. Or maybe it's Debbie from Shea. I don't know. If it's not a secret. Can you tell me something about Secretariat? I feel stupid asking, but I have never been able to figure out how the two man horse actually works. I mean, sure, the one in front stands up, but does the one in the back have to bend at the waist the entire time? Yes, yes, Debbie, that's exactly how it works. The two horse pantomime horses. It's known in the crazy world of show business, the front of the horse or the alpha horse or the top horse, the horse that's the top is in the front and the bottom horse, the beta horse, the horse at the back, bends over and they work together to create show business magic. And that's what it's done. Now, when I was doing late night secretary at the pantomime horse on my old late night show, which if you don't know anything about that, it's okay. But secretary at the front end of the horse was always my friend and still my friend and a very talented writer, producer. Now a gentleman by the name of Joe Bolter, which regulars, people who know more about me, know that Joe and I are still friends and that Joe writes with me on many occasions. If I'm writing comedy stuff and race for me, I should say, really. Anyway, Joe Bolter was always the front of the horse. He was a. He was a PA at the time, a production assistant at the time. And we're doing lately, he's much grander than that now. He is. He's grown up, married and has a baby and everything and sort of drives a car. But back then, you know, he had just a little hat with a helicopter thing on it, and he used to walk to work with a hoop and a stick, you know, and he'd have say, hey, mister, you got a job? And I'd say, sure, you're the front end of the horse. And he was the front end of the horse. And various other production assistants or interns were given the back end of the horse. So they're an elite group, but too many to mention here. They're. They're kind of a secret society. I can't remember everyone's name. All right, juju Lee again, don't know where Juju is from. When will you and Jeff do? Or is that the right way to say it? Because sometimes juju Lee. Lee might be the first name. Juju. I don't know. I don't know how it's done. Anyway, juju Lee says, craig, when will you and Jeff do an improv comedy show? Or at least bring him on as your podcast sidekick? Well, Josh Robert Thompson, who is the main energy and kind of the soul and funny and comedy of Jeff Peterson, has been on the podcast a couple of times and he'll be on again. I'm going to LA soon, actually. I'll give Josh a call, see if he's available to do one in person. I do love talking. I do love talking to Josh Robert Thompson. Please remember this about Jeff Pearson. If you remember nothing else about the comedy robot on late night tv, on my own late night show that was Josh Robert Thompson did that. He did that. It was on my show, so I get a lot of credit for it. But the truth. And I came up with the name Jeff Peterson, but Grant Imahara, God rest him, who was just a beautiful man, Grant Imahara, the Mythbusters tech genius, he built the robot. So I didn't build the robot. This is the idea. And then Josh Robert Thompson, who did the voice for it, Tom Straw, who was one of the writers of the show, was also involved in the early days of Jeff Peterson. But really, I'd have to say the energy and the success of Jeff Peterson was Josh Robert Thompson. So, yeah, we'll have him on as a guest. He's a comic genius. He makes me laugh like crazy. Very Funny man. This is from Edible Apeman. That's an interesting name. Edible Apeman. People have unusual names sometimes. Sometimes I will say this about the Internet and emails and stuff. Sometimes people don't send you their real name. Just letting you know. Sometimes stuff on the Internet isn't true. I don't know if you guys know that. I mean, this is true, right? This is me here doing this. I'm not an AI today. Unless you're really annoyed at something that said, then this is AI says good morning from Kansas. If you could have a partner film written specifically with you in mind, what kind of character and what kind of film would you have it to be? Ideally, would it be a dashing room, get a space fantasy romantic lead in a prison drama? All right, very funny. I feel like if there was a film that I would. I would like to be. And I've never been. I've been in a few films, you know, you can look me up. I've been in a couple, but I've never been in a western. I'd like being a Western. I mean, I'd like to be in a western and do some packachuing, maybe, you know, take care of some bad guys. Ride a horse. No, fall off it. Because every time I ride a horse at the moment it seemed to fall off. So maybe we could use AI to make me look. I was better at horsing than a. And I actually am. I do like horses. And I. And I am the proud co owner of three horses. Well, two and a half. We have two giant cobs and a Shetland, which is kind of like a. Like a backup horse. You know, like the wheel in your car, you know, like if you burst a tire, there's a little tire inside that will get you as far as the. As the garage. So you can get your wheel replaced, you know, your tire replaced. That's a Shetland. So we have a Shetland and two cobs, but they're really my wife's horses. She's very horsey. Which kind of explains why we're together, I suppose, because, you know, she doesn't mind being around big smelly things that just like poop everywhere. Although at the moment, as we have learned today, not pooping anywhere, not even where I should poop. It'll work out. And I look forward to your advice about, you know, home remedies to get stuff moving again. Although as this podcast go, this is probably an overshare. As time is going on. I think coffee's kicking in and we're going to be all right. And so what I'm saying is this is your five minute warning. The podcast is going to be over soon. You know what I'm saying? All right. Too much. All right, all right. This is from Kim's lantern. Again, I don't think that's a real name. Kim says, I hope you grow the scruff out again, Craig. It's very attractive on you. Oh, yeah, thanks, Kim. Well, here's the thing. The. The job I've been doing at the moment requires me to shave. So I've been shaving, and I've got to be honest with you, I kind of like it. I stopped shaving for a while after late night. You notice how all late night hosts, when they stopped doing, like Lehrman, of course, being the absolute kind of over the top example, they just stopped shaving. It's because you have to shave every day when you're doing a late night show. Although nowadays late night show host can have beards. What kind of a world is that? Beards, mustaches, Sometimes they don't wear ties. I come from a different time, my friends. We always had the shave. I tried not wearing a tie. Oh, man, that was controversial. I tried growing a mustache once. You think late night's controversial? Now look up. The time I tried to grow a mustache wasn't that bad. All right, this is from. I'm just serious. I don't think that's a real name. I think that's one of them Internet nom de plumes. A nom de guer, A nom de Internet. Anjoceri says, how much money have you earned and spent? That's kind of a personal question, but I will say this. I've probably, in the last couple of years, I've spent more than I earned. But the last. No, a couple of years before that, in the last couple of years, I probably went a little crazy for a while because I come from money. I don't know if you know this about me. I don't come from money any, you know, and after a while, when I was in Hollywood for a while, I started making a little bit of money. I mean, I'm not a billionaire, any of that crap, but I, you know, I was making a little money and I, you know, how little money's a weird thing because if you grow up kind of in modest circumstances, which I most certainly did, you. I had a feeling that money would solve all my problems, you know? You know, people would say, oh, if I had that money, I would, I would do this. You know, that's how People talked and because they were Scottish and that's where I left when I was young. And what I have found about money is that it's great. It's great having some money. Money is. Money's really useful. I don't know if that's news to anyone, but there are certain things that it, it can't touch. I mean, they take care of so many things that are important. And I understand that. Please don't get angry at me if you don't have any money or you don't have much, as much money as you want, or you think I've got too much, because I assure in the, in the having too much money leagues, I ain't your guy. But, but it does, it doesn't do what I thought it would do. It's. It's an odd thing and it's hard to explain it maybe a little like this. So when I was a kid, I hated going to the dentist. Hated it. Now, I grew up in Scotland in the late 1960s, early late 1960s and 70s, and although we could afford that, the dentist, it was socialized medicine. So you could go to the dentist and you would. I hated it. I hated it. It terrified me. I really hated it. And I thought when I was a wee boy in Cumbernauld in Scotland, I thought, you know, if I grow up, I get famous and I get on the telly, I'm not going to go to the dentist. I won't have to. If I make some money, I won't have to go to the dentist. Because I somehow equated it with being poor. I think when you're poor, you think everything's to do with being poor. Certainly feels like that. Anyway, I used to think when I was a kid, when I grew up, I'm going to make some money and I'm never going to the dentist ever again. And then I, you know, grew up and I started working on American television. Let me tell you something. If you work in movies or television in the United States of America, you'll be going to the dentist a lot. Especially if you grew up in Scotland in the 60s and 70s and you go into a couple of bar fights and you. And you got into, you know, no. Go to the dentist for a while while you were, you know, enjoying active alcoholism, which is, you know, it's not a big dental go to thing. I, I don't know. It's an interesting thing. How much money have I earned? Probably more than I deserved. How much have I spent? Probably more than I should have. But I. I'm grateful for every penny, you know. So I think that it's kind of an interesting thing. Yeah, I know I'm kind of going on about then. And I do have to leave in a minute if you know what I'm saying. Coffee's kicking in. But I. The things that matter beyond a certain kind of being able to take care of your family and. And stuff and. And of course everyone wants that, you know. It's not health, you know, it's not that. It's a way to get. Make sure you're staying on top of it. I suppose it helps, but it's not everything. That's all I'm saying. It's not. It's not what I thought it was. It's good basically. Like it. I'd rather have it. Not have it though. I have some money than don't have it. So how much money have you earned that spent? I don't know. Now I do know this. I do have to go. My friends, thank you for. For talking me through jet lag chitty chat. I think I'm getting better and I'll see you guys. It'll probably just be us again next week. I'm so busy right now. And I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining, but I am busy. So. So I think this is. This will be how we do it for a little while until I get. Till I get my feet kind of settled down a little bit with everything that's going on. I'll fill you in and all of this later on. I hope you're well. Stay safe, my friends and I'll see you next week. Sweet Sam.