#1903 The Secret I Kept

Summary

Juicebox Podcast #1903: "The Secret I Kept" (July 15, 2026)

Host: Scott Benner
Guest: Erin, 26, living with Type 1 Diabetes since age 8
Main theme: Navigating diabetes, secrecy, and eating disorders—honest conversation about mental health, shame, growth, and living well with T1D.

---

Overview

This episode features Erin, who shares her journey with Type 1 Diabetes (T1D)—focusing on the long-held secret of her eating disorder and the emotional landscape accompanying her condition from childhood through young adulthood. The conversation explores early diagnosis, family dynamics, stigma, the intersection of mental health and diabetes, the challenge of recovery, and finding self-acceptance.

Scott's approachable, humorous, and empathetic style draws out a candid discussion, offering insights and strategies for others facing similar struggles.

---

Key Topics & Insights

1. Diagnosis & Early Experience with T1D (02:21–12:05)

• Diagnosis at Age 8: Erin describes classic symptoms (excessive thirst, frequent urination), initial misdiagnosis by a covering doctor, and a delayed but urgent identification of T1D by her regular doctor.
  • "My blood sugar is at 47. You need to bring her to the emergency room." – Erin (05:34)
  • Note: Canadian measurements (47 mmol/L ≈ 846 mg/dL).
• No Family History: Erin is the only one with T1D or autoimmune issues in her family.
• Initial Management: Early regimen involved fixed insulin doses and strict carb intake at set times ("shooting at a certain time, eating a certain amount" – A, 08:14), before learning insulin-to-carb ratios.

2. Family & Social Dynamics (12:05–15:08)

• Parental Support: Her parents were actively involved, especially her mom who took the lead—and made midday trips to school for injections.
  • "It was very much a team thing." – Erin (11:19)
• Siblings & Social Life: Youngest with three older brothers; describes a protective but loving family environment.

3. Stigma, Shame, and Secrecy (12:16–16:41)

• Transforming Moment: Erin recounts telling a friend about her diagnosis, only to have the friend say, "Oh, that's because you eat too much sugar." (12:42)
  This moment triggered lasting shame and secrecy.
  • "From that point on, I kept it a huge secret…I hid it from my classmates, from friends, even as long as I could." – Erin (13:13)
• The stigma and effort to conceal her diabetes lasted into late adolescence.

4. Diabetes Management, Resistance to Technology, and Mental Health (16:41–18:50)

• Prolonged Resistance to Pump & CGM: Erin rejected visible diabetes devices well into adulthood to avoid drawing attention.
  • "I didn't want anybody to see that I had diabetes…I didn't want to be connected to something." – Erin (16:41)
• Mental Health Struggles: Eating disorder began as body image issues related to dancing in front of mirrors; spiraled into restricting, bingeing, purging, and insulin omission for weight loss.

5. Development of an Eating Disorder (18:50–24:07)

• Onset at 15: Erin began manipulating insulin to lose weight.
  • "I would sneak food and not take insulin for it…then discovered the weight loss that can happen if you're not taking insulin." (17:46–18:50)
• Cycle of Restriction, Bingeing, Purging: The disordered behavior escalated rapidly. Erin describes feeling out of control, driven by the disorder, and suffering shame from both the disorder and its consequences.

6. Seeking Help & Treatment (22:57–25:39)

• First Disclosure: Confided in a dance teacher, who supported her in telling her parents.
• Treatment Pathway: Outpatient, inpatient, and day hospital programs. Progress was “stop and go,” with repeated setbacks.

7. Hitting Rock Bottom & Turning Points (26:40–29:13)

• Rock Bottom as Catalyst: Missing out on milestone life events (e.g., senior year, dance, friendships, university) finally pushed Erin to take initiative for change.
  • "I needed to take ownership, and I needed to be the one ultimately that's gonna make the decision to change." (27:33)
• Emergence of Complications: Development of neuropathy and early retinopathy were alarming wake-up calls.

8. Long-term Consequences & Family Impact (29:14–38:06)

• Prolonged Poor Control: A1Cs in the 13–14 range, repeated DKA admissions, and dramatic weight loss (down to <100 lbs at 5’4”).
• Parental anguish and desperation; attempts at oversight, but Erin became adept at manipulation (even “hacked Dexcom to make my number show lower,” 33:48).
• Guilt and reflection: "I feel very guilty for what I put them through." (32:56)

9. Recovery, Therapy, and What Helped (38:06–41:32)

• Effective Therapy: A skilled therapist motivated Erin by requiring safer diabetes management to continue therapy sessions.
  • "The therapist I was working with had a lot of…rules. Like if my blood sugars were very high, then she wouldn't see me for the session. And I really liked working with her, so I started changing things..." (38:55)
• Support System: Developed friendships in treatment, with mutual support continuing today.

10. Self-Reflection, Regret, and Acceptance (43:33–47:14)

• Regret Over Lost Time and Secrecy: "Just a lot of regret, a lot of shame and like hiding things that if I was just open about sooner, I feel like could have resolved a lot sooner." (43:45)
• Learning Self-Kindness: Moving beyond self-criticism to self-compassion, accepting slow progress, and setting realistic goals.

11. Current Life & Forward Outlook (25:39, 45:40–62:10)

• Current Status: On an insulin pump, stable relationship with food, A1C in upper 6s to low 7s, re-entering university, and slowly rebuilding social life.
• Continues on Wellbutrin for depression, and working part-time, supported by family and Canadian disability assistance.
• Approach to Recovery: Advocates for "small goals" and incremental progress.
  • "Just setting those small goals that feel so much more achievable…when you do achieve them, you feel more capable of doing more." (54:24)

12. Dating, Social Rebuilding, and Hopes (62:10–66:29)

• Dating Life: Just starting to rebuild confidence to engage in the dating world, after social withdrawal during years of illness.
• Parenthood Fears: Would like to be a parent someday, but does worry about the risk of passing on diabetes.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

Shame and Secrecy

• "That friend's response really shaped how I ended up feeling for the rest of my childhood…from that point on, I kept it a huge secret." – Erin (13:13)

On Eating Disorders and Diabetes

• "It was really chaotic…in terms of food. I was restricting, but I was also binging and purging." (21:31)
• "Once I started manipulating insulin, it really spun out of control quickly." (21:01)

On Parental Involvement

• "My parents were very aware of the danger I was putting myself in and they were so desperate for me to change things…I figured out a way to like hack into the Dexcom and make my number show lower than it was." (32:56 & 33:48)

Road to Recovery

• "I realized that I needed…I needed to be the one to change. Because, you know, when you're a kid, it's…your parents or your doctors are forcing you into treatment, and sometimes it feels like you're working against them." (26:40)
• "I'm in a very good place now…my A1C is the lowest it's been since I was probably, like, 10 years old." (25:39)

Strategies for Others

• "Setting small goals…when you do achieve them, you feel more capable of doing more." (54:24)
• "Trying anything is better than not trying at all. And nothing changes if nothing changes." (55:42)

Humor & Humanity

• Scott: "You should just calm down and go do it. Either I'm going to find a hotel or I'm going to sleep in my car. It doesn't matter…It's going to be fine." (64:27)

---

Key Timestamps

• [02:21] – Erin introduces herself & diagnosis story
• [05:34] – Calls the ER with critical blood sugars
• [12:42] – Shame begins: friend links diagnosis to eating sugar
• [16:41] – Resistance to diabetes technology due to shame
• [18:50] – Eating disorder origin story
• [22:57] – First disclosure and help pathway
• [25:39] – Present-day well-being and turning points
• [32:56] – Extreme consequences: hack Dexcom to hide truth
• [38:55] – Therapy: behavioral motivation (must have safe BG to see therapist)
• [54:24] – Small goals as recovery technique
• [62:10] – Forward look: dating, social, and future goals

---

Memorable Moments

• Erin’s confession of hacking her Dexcom to display lower numbers—underscoring the depth of her struggle and ingenuity the eating disorder commanded (33:48).
• Scott’s mix of humor and candor about parenting, depression, and anxiety offers grounding perspective and empathy.
• Erin’s hopefulness—even after years of feeling “behind”—marks a tone of recovery and possibility.

---

Conclusion: Wisdom & Takeaways

• Secrecy and shame around diabetes can fuel long-term emotional distress and dangerous behavior.
• Incremental progress (“small goals, celebrate victories”) is key to recovering from both diabetes-related and mental health challenges.
• Ownership of care and internal motivation are vital for lasting change—external pressure rarely substitutes.
• Therapy, support, and patience—with oneself and from others—enable healing, even after protracted struggle.
• Everyone's timeline is different; comparison is rarely productive, and what matters is restarting and continuing the journey, not "winning the race."

---

For more diabetes strategies and personal accounts, visit JuiceboxPodcast.com and join the community.

Transcript

[A]

Friends, we're all back together for the next episode of the Juice Box Podcast. Welcome. Have you tried the Small Sip series? They're curated takeaways from the Juice Box Podcast, voted on by listeners as the most helpful insights for managing their diabetes patients. These bite sized pieces of wisdom cover essential topics like insulin timing, carb management and balancing highs and lows, making it easier for you to incorporate real life strategies into your daily routine. Dive deep, take a sip and discover what our community finds most valuable on the journey to better diabetes management. For more information on Small sips, go to juiceboxpodcast.com, click on the Word series in the menu. Foreign. Nothing you hear on the Juice Box Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise. Always consult a physician before making any changes to your healthcare plan or becoming bold with insulin. Foreign. Today's podcast is sponsored by usmed usmed.com juicebox. You can get your diabetes supplies from the same place that we do and I'm talking about Dexcom Libre, Omnipod Tandem and so much more. Usmed.com juicebox or call 888-721-1514. This episode of the Juice Box Podcast is sponsored by Omnipod5. Omnipod5 is a tube free automated insulin delivery system that's been shown to significantly improve A1C and time and range for people with type 1 diabetes when they've switched from daily injections. Learn more and get started today@ omnipod.com juicebox at my link. You can get a free starter kit right now. Terms and cond eligibility may vary. Full terms and conditions can be found@

[B]

omnipod.com juicebox My name is Erin and I've been type 1 diabetic since I was 8 years old. So I was diagnosed back in 2008.

[A]

2008? What are you, 26?

[B]

26? Yes.

[A]

Wow, that's great math on my part right there. I failed algebra, but I was good with the pluses and the minuses. Just so you know, you started differently than almost everybody else did.

[B]

I. I had no idea what to say.

[A]

No, it wasn't what you said. It was the tone you set it in. You were like, yeah, so I'm Aaron. It was like, it was like that. I. I can't wait to find out what all that means. So tell me a little bit about yourself. Current day, you working in grad school. Like what's your life like right now?

[B]

I'm actually just going back to school in this coming September. I had taken some time off while managing some diabetes Related things. So I'm going back to a life sciences degree in September.

[A]

Okay. To finish up your undergrad?

[B]

Yes, undergrad.

[A]

Interesting. Okay, we're gonna find out about this. Your parents, they're married? Divorced.

[B]

They are married. I live on my own, but I live very close to them, and I. I see them a lot. I'm. I have a good relationship with family.

[A]

Nice. Brothers and sisters?

[B]

Yes, I have three older brothers.

[A]

Wow, that's a. That's a thing. How about those Tick Tock videos where older brothers come in the room like they grab your hair, fart, and run out? Is that a thing that actually happens?

[B]

I honestly, I've. I'm not on Tick Tock, so I don't know. I haven't seen videos like that, but no, my brothers are great. They're definitely on the protective side, like a lot of people assume, but, yeah, I loved growing. I loved being the baby of the family, and they definitely spoil me, so.

[A]

Nice. Anybody else in the family have type one or maybe other autoimmune issues?

[B]

No, I'm the only type 1, and no autoimmune issues as far as I know.

[A]

How about for you? Do you have any others?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay. Interesting enough, you're diagnosed when you're 8?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

When you're 8 years old, what do you remember happening?

[B]

Um, so I remember I. The thing that brought me to the doctors was my excessive thirst. I was drinking so much all the time, so thirsty. Um, so my parents brought me to our family doctor who was actually away at the time, and it was a different doctor subbing in, and he didn't seem concerned, didn't want to run any tests, said, you know, it's probably the change of season. Two months later, I was still. At this point, you know, weight was an issue. I was still drinking, still constantly going to the bathroom, everything. So my parents brought me back, and my regular family doctor immediately was like, well, we need blood work. So got the blood work. I was getting ready for school one morning, and the doctor called my mom and said, her blood Sugar is at 47. You need to bring her to the emergency room. So, yeah, I remember going to the emergency room really confused because I didn't feel sick. And everyone, you know, kept telling me, oh, like, you must feel so. You're gonna feel so much better soon. And in my head, I was like, I feel like I always feel

[A]

so.

[B]

Yeah. Got thrown into all that at 8.

[A]

Hey, when your blood sugar was low, when they took it.

[B]

Oh, no, sorry. So I'm in Canada, so 47, you didn't say that.

[A]

You didn't say you lived in another planet. Now I understand. Yeah, okay, that's fine. Yeah. Okay. Because I was confused for a second. I was like. Because sometimes people do experience low blood sugars in the lead up to their diagnosis. So I. Oh, yeah, I just wanted to be sure. Now I hear it. You said, oh, yeah. And now I. I don't know how I missed it to begin with. Sorry about that. Your. Oh, yeah. Gave you away. Okay, so 47, I guess, just for the people. Wow, hold on a second. That is a banger of a blood sugar. You were, you were up there. Your A1C was probably crazy by the time they caught you, huh?

[B]

Yeah, it was, it was like 13 or somewhere around there.

[A]

Were you in DK when they got into the hospital or. No?

[B]

I was, yes.

[A]

Yeah, but you said you, you felt fine though. You said.

[B]

Well, I just, I, like, I felt no different than I felt day to day. Like, which, in hindsight, I wasn't feeling great, but I was just at that point getting used to living like that.

[A]

I'm sorry I cut you off, but. Yeah, you were getting used to feeling like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I see. Okay, well, what do they do in Canada? I mean, immediately, I guess they strap you to like three sled dogs and they take you, take. Take you to the big hospital in the city. Right. Like, what happens?

[B]

Um, yeah, so I was in the hospital for I think like four days. My parents got like the crash course. All that got started on insulin. So back in 2008, so I. There was no CGM, so. And I was on NPH and rapid acting insulin. And back then, one thing I really remember that sticks out in my childhood is not going by like dosing for what I was eating. It was like I had certain times of the day I would eat and I had a certain amount of carbs I had to eat at that time and not go over that range, not go under that range because my insulin was like set doses. Like, I wasn't adjusting my insulin based on what I ate.

[A]

Shooting at a certain time, eating a certain amount of food.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. And how long did you do it that way for?

[B]

Definitely at least a year. And then I think finally we got introduced to the like, insulin to carb ratios kind of idea. And then I eventually switched to like lantus and still rapid hemolog or. Yeah.

[A]

How do your parents handle the, the division of labor around diabetes? Is it like, don't worry, we take care of it or did they do that? Like, it's her disease thing. She's got to figure it out. Do you remember how. What the. The vibe was around the whole thing? I used to hate ordering my daughter's diabetes supplies. I never had a good experience and it was frustrating. But it hasn't been that way for a while. Actually for about three years now because that's how long we've been using US Med, usmed.com juicebox or call 888-721-1514. US Med is the number one distributor for Freestyle Libre systems nationwide. They are the number one specialty distributor for Omnipod Dash, the number one fastest growing tandem distributor nationwide. The number one rated distributor in Dexcom customer satisfaction surveys. They have served over 1 million people with diabetes since 1996. And they always provide 90 days worth of supplies and fast and free shipping. USMED carries everything from insulin pumps and diabetes testing supplies to the latest CGMs like the Libre 3 and Dexcom G7. They accept Medicare nationwide and over 800 private insurers. Find out why US Med has an A rating with a Better business [e-mail] or just call them at 888-721-1514. Get started right now and you'll be getting your supplies the same way we do. You already love Omnipod 5, the tubeless, waterproof, automated insulin delivery system. Now it's even stronger. A stronger algorithm starts here with Omnipod 5's latest algorithm enhancements. A new lower 100 milligram per deciliter target glucose option for, for more time and range and fewer interruptions to help you spend even more time in automated Mode. Request a 30 day Omnipod 5 trial today at omnipod.com juicebox and experience the enhancements firsthand. Terms and conditions apply. Eligibility may vary. Full terms and conditions can be found@

[B]

omnipod.com juicebox yeah, so I was definitely a very, like, independent child. Like, I liked to do things myself, so I was always very involved, but so were they. So even, you know, letting me. I eventually started taking over, calculating my doses and drawing it up in the syringe. And my mom would double check or we'd do the calculation together. It was very much a team thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which was nice. I liked, you know, knowing what was going on. I liked feeling like I could calculate it myself. Um, so, yeah, I, I would say my mom definitely. My dad was kind of in the background. My mom definitely took the, the driver's seat there. But yeah, it was good.

[A]

Yeah. Did your, Was your mom like a work. Was she Like a stay at home mom. Did she have a job? Do you remember any of that?

[B]

Uh, no. Both my parents worked in the very beginning. They would drive home from work at lunch to give me insulin at lunch, at school, because my school didn't have, like, a nurse or anything like that, so it was really up to them to get there. To give me insulin.

[A]

Yeah. Did you feel isolated? Did your. Were your friends reasonable about all this? Were you nervous or confused or embarrassed, anything like that growing up?

[B]

Um, yeah. So in the beginning, when I was first diagnosed, I. I wouldn't say, like, I was excited, but I thought it was kind of cool. Like, I thought, like, oh, like, wow, like, this is different. And I specifically remember telling one of my friends, like. Like, guess what? Like, I was diagnosed with, like, diabetes. And at the time, that friend's response really shaped how I ended up feeling for the rest of my childhood because they. They instantly said, oh, that's because you eat too much sugar. And all of a sudden, my whole idea of it switched, and I felt so much shame around it. And from that point on, I kept it a huge secret. I did not tell anyone that didn't need to know. I hid it from my classmates, from friends, even as long as I could. It was just this big secret because I felt so much shame around it.

[A]

Oh, I'm sorry. That sucks. Do you think they. Was that a. A malicious thing from that person, or you think it's just the thing they thought to say? Because it's the thing they heard.

[B]

I. I think it's just what they heard. Like, it was. We were young at the time, and I think, like, you know, hearing things about, like, type 2 or, you know, knowing different people with other types of diabetes and just the misconceptions, you know, but it's the.

[A]

You're saying it stuck to you, though, like, for a long time or just in your adolescence?

[B]

For a long time? Like, up until I was probably, like, 18, 19.

[A]

Okay. Did you ever re Examine it? Like, did you ever stop and say to yourself, like, maybe they're wrong, or, like, try to. You know what I mean? Like, try to reframe it for yourself?

[B]

Yeah, I think definitely, as I was a little bit older in my teenage years, you know, I. I knew that, you know, I didn't cause this. This is. People have misconceptions of how this happens or what it means, but I just felt ultimately that if people knew, they would have this idea of me or they would assume things. And I didn't really realize at that point that I could help educate. I could help, you know.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, nor did you have to if you don't. If you're not interested in it. But so I. Okay. So initially it's, oh, gosh, what. You know, I'm different. I'm. I can take care of myself. You're. I'm not excited like you said. But you. You're up for the, The. The challenge of diabetes. This person says something to you about the sugar thing. Ev. At some point you realize that's not even true. But the protectiveness comes from thinking like, I don't need to go through this with every person I meet. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm not looking to be the, the encyclopedia diabetes and explaining everything to everybody. Yeah, gotcha. Do you do that? What would you do now in present day if somebody said that?

[B]

I think I would definitely just say, like, oh, it's an autoimmune disorder. Like it. I don't know why it happened. There's. They don't really know why, or just something simple like I wouldn't. Or I might not even say anything, but someone I'm. I know I'm never gonna see again.

[A]

Or, you know, it might just be like, listen, Yeah, I gotta go. I can't spend a lot of time here with you today. Explain explaining this whole thing to me. I gotta go play hockey. Right. Okie. Or something. Whatever you guys do. Whereabouts in Canada are you?

[B]

Ontario.

[A]

Okay. I don't know what that means, but I appreciate you telling me. Is that like, in the middle.

[B]

It's. I live in southern Ontario, so. Near Toronto, if you know where Toronto is.

[A]

Yeah, sure. Like. Like north of New York. Ish. Like that way.

[B]

Yeah, Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So Ontario's. I. I'm feeling a lot of pressure in my mind from the people I know from Canada who are going to be really disappointed that when you said Ontario, I was like, I don't know where that is, but. Okay, so I gotta. I don't wanna fast forward too much, but it sounds like you went away to school and something happened. I'm gonna get to that. But first I wanna understand what it was, you know, once you were counting carbs and managing, I imagine you switched to a pump at some point. At some point you got a cgm. What. What have your outcomes been like throughout this time with diabetes and, you know, were you having other health issues or other concerns? Anything? Struggles that were piling on top of the, you know, the base struggle of the diabetes?

[B]

Um, so, yeah, I'll start with. I did not want a pump as a child. I actually just started on a pump two years ago, so when I was 24. Um, and the reason for that was also just I didn't want anybody to see that I had diabetes. I really didn't want to draw any attention to it. I didn't want to be connected to something. So, yeah, my parents always wished I would have, you know, been open to the pump, but they didn't force me, which I do appreciate. They didn't force me. And so I eventually decided I wanted to try that on my own in terms of other things going on and that I struggled with, I would say a lot of mental health issues, the main one being an eating disorder.

[A]

Okay. Is. So first question would be, do you think you had mental health issues prior to the diabetes or do you, like, when did you notice them first? And. And how did it appear? Is my first question.

[B]

I mean, I was an anxious kid. Not like, you know, I was. Yeah, I was an anxious kid. But really it was, I think it didn't even. It was more like body image. I grew up as a competitive dancer as well, and my studio was great. There was no pressure to look a certain way or anything like that. But you just, you spend a lot of time in front of mirrors. And I definitely developed some, like, body image concerns at the time. And that kind of led to a few different things happening, like restricting my. And then eventually I would sneak food and not take insulin for it. Not even knowing what. Like, there was no reason for not taking insulin for it, except for being ashamed that I, that I ate like an extra amount of food or whatever. And then it was really just through that process that I then discovered the weight loss that can happen if you're not taking insulin.

[A]

Um, and then did you start manipulating your insulin then, for weight reasons?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. How about. How old. About what age did that start?

[B]

About 15.

[A]

Okay. Can I ask you a backward looking question? Would 26 year old you have told 15 year old you that you. You needed to lose weight, or is that just the thing that was in her head?

[B]

Oh, that was definitely just a thing that was. Yeah, in my head I was very, I would say, average.

[A]

Can I ask you, like, when you're. Obviously I don't have any context being a girl, but when you're in that situation, what is it? Is it, is it, is it just the way you see yourself or is it the, the contrast between you and the person next to you? Like, what do you think leads the. I mean, for you at least, what led to the feeling of like, the way I am isn't the right way.

[B]

I think definitely comparison played a large part in it. Just comparing myself to people who were smaller and just feeling like I looked worse or I looked wrong and that I could look better. Yeah.

[A]

Compared to like looked worse or wrong. Compared to what?

[B]

Just compared to some of my peers that were just naturally more lean and honestly, not even just weight wise, but like, especially in dance. Like those with like, longer legs and that were taller. I just felt like they looked so much better dancing. And that's not even something I could change. You know, I can't change the length of my legs or whatever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But the one thing I felt like maybe I could change was to lose a little bit of weight.

[A]

Did you feel like you enjoyed dance or was it torturous?

[B]

Oh, no, I loved it.

[A]

Okay, so you love that it's this aspect of it that brings out this other part of, of your thinking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. When does it become a thing that you're not. I don't know if this is the wrong word. You'll stop me, Aaron. But when does it, when does it become a thing that you're not in control of anymore? When are you making decisions that are just like. Feel like they're autopilot decisions?

[B]

Probably like pretty quickly. Like once I. Especially with the manipulating insulin. Once I started doing that, it really spun out of control pretty quickly. And I for many years felt like I was so stuck

[A]

and interested in a pattern of I'll keep my. I'll keep my insulin low to keep my weight down. And then were you still restricting food at the same time?

[B]

Um, I was, I was restricting, but I was also binging and purging. It was really chaotic. In terms of food, how do you

[A]

figure out how to purge?

[B]

I don't actually. I've been reflecting on that because I thought that might come up. I. I don't know how I. How I figured it out. I don't know if I watched some, like, I can't imagine I watched something. I mean, I did it for the first time at 13. Social media was only just kind of starting to be a thing. Yeah, I. I don't know, I just, I had this idea in my head and I like, I'll get the.

[A]

I'll get the food out. Yeah, yeah. I mean, because you know what I'm saying. I mean, obviously you know what I'm saying because you've been thinking about it. But I mean, there's one thing to think. I wish I weighed less or I Wish I looked differently. It's another thing to like, jump to, oh, you know what I should do? I could just make myself throw up and then the food wouldn't be in there anymore. Like, that's a elite. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's. And. But you don't know where the. Where the onus came for it.

[B]

No, I. I really don't.

[A]

It's interesting. I wonder if it's just colloquial, like background noise in the world, like, you know what I mean? Like something people say offhandedly, jokingly or whatever. And it's a thing you hear at some point that you go, oh, maybe that is the way to handle this. Did you ever consider going to your parents at that point?

[B]

I. How my parents got involved was I actually initially went to one of my dance teachers because I was just so miserable and I didn't have, like, the energy to dance. It's not like it was helping my self esteem or my body image issues either. So I kind of confided in her and she encouraged me to let my parents know what was going on, and she helped me do that. So from there, I let my parents know what was going on.

[A]

We.

[B]

Then they brought it to my endocrinologist, who then referred me to a eating disorder clinic.

[A]

And was that inpatient or outpatient?

[B]

I started off outpatient. I was inpatient a few times. Would kind of go in, stabilize, things would come out, things would fall apart again. And then eventually I did. I was a. They have a day program, so I would go to the hospital Monday to Friday, every day. Um, and that, you know, helped me get into a good routine.

[A]

Yeah. Isn't it, Isn't it interesting that you can feel shame for a body image reason, and then the step you take to try to impact it, you feel shame for that as well.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

But you don't feel good about the body image. You didn't go like, oh, well, at least I traded the shame over here for, you know, I feel good on this side now. So you felt like no matter what you did, I'm imagining. But I'm gonna ask you, did you ever end up feeling good about your body?

[B]

I think I. I would say I didn't really, because even when I was a smaller size, I still. Either the panic was, well, how do I stay this size? Or it was, you know, it's still not good enough. So that feeling of, like, relief never really came. I never really felt like, okay, like, I'm good now here, or, you know, anything like that.

[A]

Oh, that's a shame. Um, and then you said you were in and out a lot of treatment, so it was. So is it ultimately not. I mean, I don't know what the question here is. Like, is it ultimately not helpful or it's just not completely helpful? Like, why, you know, what's the stop and go? Is it more about the therapy that you need to do around it to make the. You know, make the. The push go away? To feel the. To feel. I don't understand any of this, so I'm gonna need you to explain it to me. Like, what's the process that gets you to where? Well, I guess maybe. Let's do this. I'm sorry. I'm all over the place now. Where are you? Where are you right now?

[B]

I'm in a good place now. I'm. I'm doing the best I have in a very long time. Like I said, I'm on a pump now. I'm on the tandem, and my A1C is the lowest it's been since I was probably, like, 10 years old.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

I still have goals to get it lower. I'm. I'm sitting at around, like, seven or high sixes, and I'd like to get it lower than that even. But, yeah, I'm. I'm in a very good place.

[A]

And how about with your relationship with food? Where is that at?

[B]

Uh, it's pretty. It's stable. I, you know, I'm. I eat very similarly every day. Um, but I can. I do allow myself to have treats and not, you know, dwell on it or feel that I need to do something about it. Yeah, I feel like I'm in. I'm in a good place.

[A]

That's awesome. Now, what got you to that place? Like, what. What are the steps that really were valuable for you?

[B]

I think for me, one big thing, which is really unfortunate, and I wish there was something that had helped sooner, but reaching, like, a rock bottom for me really gave me the push I needed to change things. Especially just realizing, like, in my early 20s, like, how much I was missing out on. Like, I missed my whole grade. 12 year. I had to cancel trips. I was taken out of dance. I, you know, had to drop out of university. Like, everything was just going wrong. I was doing nothing. I lost friendships, and it really just took me realizing that I needed. I needed to be the one to change. Because, you know, when you're a kid, it's a lot of times your parents or your doctors are forcing you into treatment, and sometimes it Feels like you're working against them. Um, but then, you know, once I turned 18 and was transitioned into, like, the adult care system, I really realized that, no, I need to take ownership, and I need to be the one ultimately that's gonna make the decision to change.

[A]

Start caring about yourself the way your parents care about you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And does that come with maturity or time? And I. I think those are two different things. Like, did you have to have enough time? Poor experiences, you know. You know, like, missing out on school or friendships or everything that it finally kind of piled up on itself. And you said to yourself, well, that's enough. I don't want to do this anymore. Do you think that you just got more mature and you were able to just see the situation differently?

[B]

I think it's probably a combination of both. I mean, I think maturity definitely played a part in it because, you know, when I was 15, 16, 17, even 18, I really had that mindset of, like, you know, everyone's telling me about all the complications that can happen and how dangerous it is to be in dka. And I just kept thinking, like, oh, like, it's not going to happen to me. Like, you know, I'm. It's not going to happen. And then eventually, you know, like, I have neuropathy that's pretty bad. And, you know, I have retinopathy starting in my eyes, and kind of just like, being mature enough to realize, like, no, I'm not a magic unicorn. Like, these things do happen, and I'm not, like, you know, they're going to happen to me, too.

[A]

Yeah. There's nothing so special about you that the bad stuff couldn't come for you, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. What. What were your outcomes like in the beginning that have led to these sorts of issues at a younger age?

[B]

I. My A1C was for a long time consistently around, like, 13, 14. There were some years of my life I was in dka, like, every two weeks, like, going to the emergency room, just really, like, my. My blood sugars were just so high all the time.

[A]

And this was because you were trying to keep your weight down?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Just because functionally. I'm sorry, this is not a how to for anybody, but are you doing basal insulin but not covering meals? Like, how do you. How do you do it without always being in dka?

[B]

Um, I would. My basal insulin was definitely reduced from what it should have been. And then, yeah, I would avoid taking any insulin for food or meals as long as I could. Sometimes, you know, when the symptoms would start to set in. Of dka. I'd take some insulin to try and I'd monitor my ketones to try and get my ketones lower. It just, yeah, ultimately I, I always ended up in dka, even though I would tell myself, okay, this time I'll, I'll do it, but not so extreme that I'll end up in dka, like, but it never works that way.

[A]

Just. Yeah. Describe that, that time in your life. I want to understand if you thought you were like a mad scientist who was like just killing it or were you out of, not really the one in control, like, you know what I mean? Like, were you pulling levers being like, I'm just gonna do this cause I know it works out so well, or were you just like, did, did the, I don't know how to put it, I guess. But did the eating disorder have such control over you that you just weren't making decisions?

[B]

I think, yes. I think I was not really making like in control of my decisions. I think the eating disorder was driving all those decisions, especially, you know, when you have high blood sugars so consistently. Your, your state of mind is not always the most logical anyway. And so, yeah, I was, I felt out of control. I would try and take a little bit of insulin and then I would, I could swear that I could tell I gained weight just from, you know, from a bolt injection.

[A]

What was your weight at that point?

[B]

At that point it was pretty low. It was, it was under a hundred pounds.

[A]

How tall are you?

[B]

I'm five four.

[A]

Okay. And then where, where do you think your body's supposed to kind of sit? Weight wise?

[B]

I would say, like my probably most natural, like where I should be is probably around like 1 31, 25 somewhere around there.

[A]

So is there an argument to be made that you were 30 to 40 pounds underweight?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Did you, have you seen photos of yourself?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Are they disturbing to you today? Yeah.

[B]

And I don't have many photos of myself at that time because, yeah, I just, I didn't look good. My parents hate seeing photos of that time period. It's, yeah, looking back now, I, I, I don't know what I thought or what I saw myself.

[A]

So let's dig into that for a second without like, I'm not trying to shit on your parents or anything like that, but you've got a 1Cs in the, in the teens, mid teens almost. Do we all understand what that means for your long term health? I know you did, but do they?

[B]

Yes, they, they definitely did. And my parents at the time, I Mean I feel very guilty for what I put them through. Um, my mom was reaching out to like anyone and everyone she could because even the treatment places I did go to, they didn't really know how to treat the diabetes along with the eating disorder. Um, they tried a lot of different approaches and so yeah, my parents were very aware of the danger I was putting myself in and they were so desperate for me to change things. They would try and monitor, you know, through my CGM and things like that. But I, at that point I figured out a way to like hack into the Dexcom and make my number show lower than it was.

[A]

Really? What are you like, what do you like? A little like evil genius. What's going on over there, Arn?

[B]

The old, the old version, I think it was the G5. I was able to do that. I don't think I could do it now.

[A]

My gosh, so much effort to cuz you. But it's a, it's, I mean mental illness, right? Is that how you would describe it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you depressed?

[B]

Oh yes, I was very depressed.

[A]

And so my point is that your parents were trying but it wasn't. Obviously something wasn't happening. So is there hindsight that tells you what they could have been doing? Is there anything that like 26 year old you realizes would have been valuable or is that not even the case?

[B]

I think what I've realized is really just I kept things so secret and I was hiding so much and lying so much.

[A]

Yeah, but Aaron, you can't lie. £90, 5 4. That's a. Well, you know what I mean? Like you can't lie your way around that. Right? Did you wear big baggy clothes so they couldn't tell?

[B]

I mean I did do that but no, they knew they could tell. Yeah, they could tell. I think really the only thing, like I don't know what else they could have done. I think the only thing they could have done was maybe trying to communicate more with me in a way where I didn't feel like I was getting in trouble for having, for doing what I was doing. And I think a lot of times like some of their concern came across as anger just due to their own like worry and fears.

[A]

And let me tell you something right now. I, I, I have, I've been raising kids a lot of my life and I'm a fairly reasonable person I think. And what I'll tell you here, and I'm. This is for everybody listening. Don't, don't have kids, okay? Because there's no way to accomplish what you just said. Like. Like, no, your parents could have been Mr. And Mrs. Rogers. Do you know what I mean? And, like, they could have been like, hello, Erin. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Look at my sk. Do you love my sweater? We love each other. I'm worried about your weight. And you would have been like, why are you so accusatory? And like. Like, it's. I got kids. I don't. I. I was a kid. I don't know what it is about human beings, but that's how this works. And. And there's something terrible about the way we're wired when we're younger, that we're just always trying to be adults on our own, independent. I don't need your help. Like, there's that whole feeling. Right. It just motivates people, I think all humans. I think that the bigger problem becomes when you layer something like this over top of it. Right. Even if you didn't have an eating disorder, even if it would have been diabetes on top of it. Right. I don't need your help with this. I can take care of it myself. Well, your A1C is 13. I can do it. I'm handling it. But Listen, my daughter's A1C is in the sixes. She's doing fantastic. But when she has an issue and I tried to point it out, she goes, I'm taking care of it. I'll look and I'll be like, it doesn't feel like you are like. But. But what she means is, I'm aware of it, and I am putting the effort into it that I want to put into it. And the desire that you have for an outcome is not. Might not match up with, I don't know, like, my. My list of priorities. Right, Right. So I'm not unaware of it. I am working on it. But I'm also more worried about this. I'll get to it. And if I don't get to it, then we somehow ignore the health part of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. Because if it was other stuff, it was cleaning your room, then you could tell me, hey, well, listen, I'm not prioritizing cleaning my room the same way you are. I'm busy at school or with my friends or something else. I'll get to it. And if you don't get to it, all you have is a dirty room.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, when it's diabetes, all you have is neuropathy, and when it's over and then it gets to the part where you're at now. Right. Where it's, well, I mean, what would you give me if I could take you back and with the knowledge you have now? So when your parents said you, hey, can you just, like, give yourself the right amount of insulin? Right. Because you, I mean, the person you are now would be like, right on, let's do it.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

Yeah. And so you had to kind of, like, what, experience it and grow out of it. Is that the way you would characterize the whole thing?

[B]

Yeah, I think, I think, yeah. Growing out of it, which is really, though, like, I wish there was a way. I wish there was an answer for no. Like, there's a way to change it while, like, without having to go through all that. Um, and therapy definitely helped me. I, I, I done a lot of therapy, and I've worked with some great therapists and.

[A]

Right. Oh, I, you know what? I, I've done a disservice there. I didn't even layer on the depression and the mental health stuff. Like, I mean, it's just, it's all that stuff together, like a big sandwich of, like, you know, blurred confusion and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you go to a therapist. How does the therapist get you through it? Is it a process that when you look back on, you can see how she, he or she, like, deconstructed you and helped you understand it?

[B]

Yeah, I, the therapist I was working with had a lot of, I don't know, for lack of a better word, like, rules. Like, if my blood sugars were very high, then she wouldn't see me for the session. And I really liked working with her, so I started changing things so that I could have my sessions with her, and that really helped me a lot.

[A]

She guilted you into it. You have, like, a, Like a Jewish Catholic therapist. What was going on there? Like, they're, you know.

[B]

Well, basically her point was that, like, it wouldn't be ethical for her to know the risk I'm putting myself in and continue seeing me.

[A]

But you look back on that, that's she was manipulating him to take care of yourself. I'm good for maybe Good for her. Yeah. Yeah. How old were you then?

[B]

Like, 18, 19?

[A]

Yeah. I probably would have just offered you money. I would have been like, look, show up with a good blood sugar, I'll give you. I'll give you 20% of what I'm making today. And then. Oh, wow. So she. So you wanted, so you wanted to see her because you enjoyed seeing her because you thought it was valuable. You knew you needed to be saved, and you thought this was the pathway through. Like, why'd you. Why'd you capitulate and do it?

[B]

I did really just enjoy seeing her and having a place to talk openly about how I was feeling about various different areas in my life. It just. It felt like a really safe space and I really enjoyed having that space. So I didn't want to lose it because prior to her, I had gone through about four or five therapists that all met me and then said, sorry, you're too complex, like, I can't treat you.

[A]

That's code for I'm not very good at this, so I won't be able to help. Also, you're in Canada, so I don't know. What were you meeting with? A polar bear probably. Right. Like there's. I mean, there's, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what stopped you from doing the other stuff? Like, I'm not hearing drinking, drugs? Was any of that going on?

[B]

I. Nothing major. I experimented with things, but ultimately, no. I just. You know what, being. Running your blood sugars high all the time does kind of have this numbing effect, and that was.

[A]

Oh, my God. I didn't need drugs. I couldn't feel anything anyway. It was all fine. Yeah.

[B]

That was you. That was kind of my coping mechanism.

[A]

Right, right. That's your. Some of your. Some of your self soothing came from that.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Said. You said you were always an anxious kid. You sure you don't have any thyroid issues?

[B]

Not. No, not that I know of.

[A]

Okay. But. But anxiety runs in the family.

[B]

It does? Yes.

[A]

Yeah. Both sides. Dad's side, Mom.

[B]

I'd say mostly my mom's side.

[A]

I see. What else am I. You know, I don't usually do this this early, but. What am I not asking you up until now that I should have, like, what do you thinking to yourself, like, dummy asked me this or not? Or have we not gotten to that point yet? Am I missing anything? Because I don't understand. You understand, like, I. I've never been depressed that I'm aware of. I haven't had anything disorder. I've never had type 1 diabetes. I want to make sure I'm not missing any, like, important pieces while we're talking about this.

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

I heard you say I'm doing a good job. Thank you, Aaron. This was not just for me to feel better about what I was doing. I actually wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything. Okay, so this is all happening. Are you dating through that?

[B]

No.

[A]

No. Because you wouldn't have had. You had no body image. Like you didn't think anybody would be interested?

[B]

Yeah, combination of things. Didn't think anyone would be interested. I honestly wasn't really interested. Just, I wasn't in school. I wasn't really anywhere to meet anyone.

[A]

Oh, this treatment had you out of school for long chunks of time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I see. Okay. You make friends in therapy?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Do you still friends with them now or were they like, were they just a very important, like, teddy bear during that time?

[B]

I have some that I am still friends with to this day. Yeah.

[A]

Did everybody make it through or do you. Are you being supportive of people who haven't figured the whole thing out yet?

[B]

Some people definitely still struggle, but I'm still. I'm still there for them. They're still there for me in the best way they can. What?

[A]

What? How would you characterize your life so far? Like, if you had to write a bio about Aaron, like up until now, like, what would you say?

[B]

I would say, gosh, I don't know, just a lot of regret, a lot of shame and like hiding things that if I was just open about sooner, I feel like could have resolved a lot sooner.

[A]

Is it possible for you to do that for me without being yourself? Can you describe yourself? Like, it's not you?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Could. Could you step out of your life for a second and look at that 8 year old girl and say. And tell me the story about her?

[B]

Yeah. She. She had poor self esteem and she thought that everyone was judging her and she just wanted to be accepted and understood.

[A]

Think everybody feels that way?

[B]

I do. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, me too. Do you have any idea why it hit you harder than it hits everybody else?

[B]

I don't know. I. I just. I took things to an extreme when I. I just. I shouldn't have.

[A]

Yeah. And. And there's no, like. I mean, do you think it's chemical? Like, are you. Do you take medication now for anything?

[B]

I do take medication, yeah.

[A]

What are you doing? Little Lexapro, Something like that.

[B]

Wellbutrin.

[A]

Wellbutrin. I've heard good things.

[B]

Yeah? Yeah, it's been helpful.

[A]

Good, good. That's awesome. Now when you kind of come out this other side and blossom, because that's how I'm gonna see you now. I'm imagining you're the person you were meant to be. Um, you're dealing with health issues, but you're probably also trying to make up for time in the social world and in your education and everything. Like, are you able to like, meet that with a positive attitude?

[B]

Oh, yeah. For Sure. I mean, I. I still, like, have a lot of regret, you know, I feel. I feel behind a lot of people my age just because I'm just getting back into my undergrad and socially, I feel like I'm not where I imagined I'd be at this age. I'm just kind of rebuilding relationships now and reconnecting with myself and figuring out what I even enjoy.

[A]

I wouldn't rush if I was you. I would just. I would just do it as if you didn't lose any time.

[B]

That's what everyone says.

[A]

Yeah. Is that impossible to do, or. I mean, are you reminded all that. Look, as I'm saying that to you, I'm 54. I ran around all weekend going, I'm almost dead. It's almost over. So Arden's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, how much longer do you think I could possibly live? I'm like, maybe I got 20 good years. And, you know, and then I was like, man, there'll be some at the end, but they're not going to be fun. I'm pretty certain. And we need to do it now. Like, so I. I don't. It's funny, like, you know, life's finite, and it does make you feel like things are getting by and that things aren't happening quickly enough. But it's also seems to me that for you, like, a lot to do with your stability and mental health would be also to do with not having that feeling. Like, just saying, like, look, I hit a speed bump. I'm on the other side of it now. I'm just going to get back in the race and keep going and not think of it as a race. I'm just going to try. I'm here to finish, not to beat anybody.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. That's really what I try to remind myself. I think it just, you know, especially being an anxious person, I'm like, I don't have my life figured out yet.

[A]

Like, no, I'm sorry. Anxiety sucks. I mean, of all the things that I talked to people about over the years, it's really high up on my magic wand list. Like, you know what I mean? Like, if I could just make something go away for people, I think anxiety would really change people's lives in more ways.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And we can kind of count. I love when you. Oh, yeah, Me like, you're Canadian. Thank you. Don't. Don't forget not to do that a couple more times. That was awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, do you ever look at people who aren't anxious and think to yourself, like, how are they doing that?

[B]

Well. Yeah. I almost feel like, is it even, is that even true? Like, is there even anyone who's not anxious? It's hard to believe. Like, maybe some people are just better at hiding it. I don't know, Aaron.

[A]

I, Unless it's about like some like, dire thing with my family, I don't ever feel anxiety.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, I, I, you know what I had to do? I had to. That's not the right way to say this because that's not what I mean. I gave a talk on Long island out in New York last week. It was Wednesday, Okay. And it was like, oh God. It was three hours of driving to get there. I was there for a couple of hours doing the thing, the meeting and the greeting and the talking and all that stuff. Then about three hours to get home. So I left my house Wednesday, I want to say one o' clock in the afternoon. I got home around nine. I woke up the next day. I wanted to be out the door by six, but I'm a little old, so I had to keep sleeping. I left at 8:30 and I drove to Tennessee. I'm in New Jersey. And so that was about. It doesn't even matter about what. I got into the hotel room. I left at 8:30 in the morning. I think it was in the hotel room at 1am and then I got up in the morning at 7. I went out and looked at houses with a realtor who I'd only ever met face to face one time. And I looked at a few houses and properties in Tennessee. I spent the day doing that. Then I drove to Atlanta, got to my hotel, grabbed something to eat, woke up in the morning, did another event for touch by type one. I was there for six hours at that event. And then at 3 o' clock in the afternoon, I was like, huh, I guess I'm just gonna drive home now. So I started driving home and then around 10:30 at night, I started getting tired. So I called my wife and I was like, I think I gotta stop and get a hotel. I don't think. I'm like, I think I've made it about as far as I'm gonna make it tonight, you know? And she's like, I'll help you find one. And she's like, oh, I got one here for you. And rooms were sparse. Um, they were, a lot of places were sold out. Apparently it was wedding season. I learned later. So, like, some of the places, like, they had rooms up there like 900 a night. I'm like, I will just sleep in the car. I'm not. You know what I mean? Um, but my wife's like, no, no, I found one, but it's two hours north of you. And I was like, okay. And then I just kept driving till I got there. Then I went in. I used the bathroom, went to sleep, got up, took a shower, got back in my car, drove six, seven hours till I was home. I was never anxious during any of that. I didn't even have a plan for most of that.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Like that. The plan I had was I was meeting. I was meeting a realtor. And I. I've never. I've only ever been to Tennessee once in my life, and I think I was 10. I just had it in my head that I might like to move to Tennessee. And I thought I would check it out. And since I was going to Atlanta instead of flying, I thought, well, I'll just drive and then check out Tennessee. When I got home and started talking to people about what I found and what I was thinking, I realized that even just the conversation about moving, even though it was a pretend conversation, made some of the people in my house nervous. Yeah. Yeah. And I was just like. And they're like, well, what, what would we do? And I was like, I don't know. We just sell our house. We just go.

[B]

Just like that.

[A]

Yeah. And then they were like. And they were like, well, what? And I was like, no, no. Like I said, I see there's problems. Like, Arden seems to really like her boyfriend and you know, like, my son dates people and like. But I was like, I don't know, like, we just work it out, don't you think? And I was like, it's like a two hour plane ride to get back here. It's not even bad. I looked into it. I was like, a one way ticket was like 110 bucks. I was like, that's not even a problem. I was like, we could like have this house. Look how nice this house is. And I'm like, I don't think, by the way, and I don't imagine this is going to happen, but it's a thing I thought about long enough that I felt like I deserved to make. See if that was just a thing I was thinking or if it was like a reality. But I don't feel any pressure to make it a reality. Even with the. I mean, you know, as you can imagine, the, the real estate person who I was very clear with. And I said, look, I have no idea if I'm doing This or not. I'm like, just, you know, if you can give me a few hours to show me around, that would be fantastic. And. But I can't promise you anything. Right. And. And then later, like, you kind of get done and you realize, like, it's her business. And she's like, so what do you think? And she's not pressuring me, but she's. She's saying, like, make an offer on this house.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm like, no, I don't think so, but thanks. I really do appreciate your time. You know, like, also, I want to just say this is going to freak people out, but my real estate agent in Tennessee was former American Idol contestant Ashley Amber, in case anybody knows who she is. She's awesome, by the way. Really, really fantastic. I met her on the Juice cruise last year because she was performing on the cruise. We bumped into each other. She told me she's getting out of the performing thing and she's gonna go home and do some real estate work. And I said, where? And she said, tennessee. And I said, oh. I was thinking about maybe looking there. And she's like, really? I'm like, yeah. We talked on the, like, text for, like, six months, and then I just showed up there and looked at houses. I have no anxiety about anything.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

It's unfair. I have anxious people in my life, and I wish I could just put it all up and give everybody a little bit of it, because the same way you look at me and think, like, that can't be true. I look at you and I think, God, that can't be true. Like, how is it possible she feels like that all the time? It's so unfair. It really, really just. I mean, it's your thing to do. You know what I mean? I have other stuff, by the way, that sucks about my life that I gotta.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Yeah. But it really is just. I'm gonna forever be interested and baffled by the whole idea, you know? Anyway, that was a lot of talking. I apologize. Gave you a nice break though, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you not telling me about that I need to know about? What do people who find themselves in the position you were in before, do you have any homespun wisdom about things that they could look at to see if they can't get themselves out of their situation or get through it more quickly?

[B]

I would say one thing that helped me is really also just setting small goals because, you know, it's easy when you're in that place of struggle to know, oh, my God, like, my. A1C is at 13 and it needs to be at like 5 or 6. Like that feels impossible. So one thing that really helped me was just setting small goals. Like, you know, first I'm just gonna get into the routine of taking insulin every time I eat and you know, then I can fine tune things and then I can, you know, adjust things even more. And just setting those small goals that feel so much more achievable. And then when you do achieve them, you feel more capable of doing more is really helpful because for a long time I got stuck. Like goals felt too big and I felt like I was failing at them and it was discouraging me from trying again.

[A]

Yeah. How do you, how do you talk yourself into trying but knowing that it might not go right but it not forcing you back to the start again? What's the grace you give yourself in there to fall short but not fall down?

[B]

I think just really reminding myself that trying anything is better than not trying at all. And nothing changed like that cheesy saying, nothing changes if nothing changes. Like diabetes is so much trial and error. And you know, I think now especially I even find myself comparing to people online that post, you know, they're 100% time in range and their amazing A1C's and you know, like good for them. But also like I can't compare myself to that because I'm starting from a different place, I'm going through a different journey. I, you know.

[A]

Yeah. Also you don't know what their range is, by the way.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know you can set your range to 0 to 300 and be 100 diamond range, not too hard.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

Yeah. So I always, whenever anybody says I'm 100 time range, I go, what was the range? Don't give me, don't give me the sunshine and not give me the sky. I want to know what's happening here. By the way, earlier I said fall short without falling down. And I thought to myself, God damn, I could be a motivational speaker. That was good. That is good. That was a good clip. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I might be onto something there. Want me to write a self help book? It'll be and be a picture of you holding onto a ladder. But like you're, you're being held by a belt too. So you can't really fall off the ladder if you let go. It's a whole thing. I'll work it out later. Look, look for my 12 part course. God, can you imagine? But I, it's funny because while you were talking about what I was overlaying in my head is pre ballisting like, because there's an example of a thing that talk I did in Atlanta. I did a thing with parents and adults, and then I went later and talked to kids. And those kids were, I. I believe I'm remembering correctly from 7 years old to 15 years old. It was like a group of about 10 of them. And whether they were 7 or 10 or 15 or adults I saw later in their 40s, every one of them says the same thing. I don't know, how am I supposed to remember to pre balls all the time, you know, And. And I spent a fair amount of time driving home, like, trying to think about that. And it was. I think what I came up with is that it almost has to be what you just said, like, don't shoot the moon the first time. You know, Promise yourself you're going to do it, you know, I don't know, three times this week.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, until you can get to once a day. And then once you're once a day, maybe your blood sugar falls, your stability gets better. Maybe you're not as cloudy and maybe you're gonna have more space in your head to go for twice a day or to be able to realize that if you miss it once, it's not a failure, it's a process. Like that whole stuff. Like, I think that's just how people learn.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For sure. Your. Your situation and people in your situation, it's just an exploded. It's an exploded version of problems everyone has.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? Yours just look more dire. Is that the right way to say it? Maybe that's. Do you know what I mean? Like, you know, you know what I'm saying? Like, if I don't do my laundry today or fold my clothes, which. That might be a real example. My. My A1C is not going to go up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not going to need needles in my eyeballs one day. Like, right. Like. Like that. So I can not put my clothes away today if I. If I can't get around to it. Um, and so thusly, when I don't get around to it, I don't feel like this great sense of shame or failure because, I mean, I don't know what did I really fail at? Like, I didn't get my stuff folded. You know, it's not a big deal. Those are. But those are the way people think and their life. Life situations that are happening 247 to people all over the place. It's when this unfairness of this diabetes lays on top of it, that you really get into a situation, and then you have body image problems, and then you learn how to manipulate insulin, and then you were just on a slippery slope after that. Yeah, yeah. And your parents didn't. Didn't know enough to step in, and even if they did, you weren't listening to them. That's the other piece. Right?

[B]

Right. Yeah.

[A]

Right. My gosh. Being alive is a lot. Yeah, it really is. Yeah. How's the depression piece now? Are you better there?

[B]

Oh, yeah, for sure. And I think, like, having my blood sugars more stable really plays a huge part in that.

[A]

Tell them.

[B]

Because I have. I'm not so fatigued all the time. Like, I. I have energy to do things, so it just makes a huge difference in my life that I'm actually able to go out and do something.

[A]

Same thing for my weight loss. I didn't realize that about myself. I thought I was okay, but I don't know how much you listen to this. I just said that, like, you and I are friends. I'm sorry, but, like, I've lost, like, £70 the last three years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So I have that now, too. Like, I wake up in the morning, and it's not just like my. It's not just my, like, mental motivation because I'm a pretty. Get up, you know, get up new page. Keep going person, but get up new page didn't carry around £70 yesterday with me. A lot more energy. Yeah, I mean, lot. A lot. Feel. Feel better. And, you know, I've shared this before, but I'll put it here because you were so honest about it. I didn't think I cared about what my body looked like until it looked better. And then I was like, oh, maybe I did care. I'm not in a lot of photos either. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And this week, this last week, I was standing in front of people at all different angles, and people are holding their phones up, and I never once thought, like, oh, don't. Don't shoot me from that angle. Like, you know, like, I didn't have any. I didn't. Like, not you. I used to tell people, like, you know, if you want to take video of me while I'm talking, get on the ceiling. Okay? And now I don't think twice about it. And I saw a video of myself talking, and I don't think about how I look anymore. But two years ago, when the process was beginning and I started to lose weight, I one time remember looking and thinking like, oh, I look like everybody else now. And that was a weird thing. I didn't know that I didn't feel like I looked like everybody else before. And so your thing's no different. It's just in reverse.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Like, I actually. I actually was not at a healthy spot and believed I was. You were probably at a healthy spot and believe that you weren't.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Really something, isn't it? You think about having children. Ever, have you met a boy or a girl that you like? Anything like that happening?

[B]

I have not. I. I think I'd like to be a parent one day.

[A]

Is it a boy we're looking for? Is that right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. And this boy is not presenting themselves to you? What. What's wrong with them?

[B]

I don't. I don't know. I've just. I've just only started getting back into, like, the social scene, so.

[A]

So is there an app up there? What's it called? Zamboni or something like that? What do you do?

[B]

Oh, there's tons of apps. I don't know. I'm not. I'm not really. I get a little weirded out by the apps. I just don't know that I can trust them.

[A]

Well, you probably can't, but what about the. What about the emotional support and physical touch part of this? Like, how do you. And if this is too much for you. I just realized I'm twice your age as I asked that. So if. I don't mean for it to be creepy, but, like, what. Like, what are you doing for those things in your life?

[B]

I don't know. Emotional support. I have tons of friends.

[A]

Okay. What about. What about the hugs and. And that stuff, though?

[B]

I mean, I've never really been a huge, like, physical touch person, so I don't really feel like I'm missing out on a ton.

[A]

Do you think you're gonna end up being me, though, at one day, going like, oh, I didn't realize that's what it was like. And I was lying to myself a little bit.

[B]

Well, yeah, I could see that happening.

[A]

Yeah. So what do you do? You're gonna have to jump in, right? You're gonna have to find a guy that you're pretty sure is not gonna cut your head off and then. And then go. Because that's gotta be a concern, especially in Canada, right? And then. I'm just teasing. I'm sure Canada is a fine place. And. And then you. And then you gotta go out and, like, sit and talk and have a meal with somebody and then make sure. They know you're not just gonna like, you know what I mean, Give yourself away too easily and then like, see if they come back and see if you like them enough to go back. And that's a process in and of itself.

[B]

I know it's, it's. It's not fun to think about.

[A]

Well, but it. Maybe it would be fun though.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Don't the right person.

[A]

Aaron, can I give you a little advice here?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I know it. I also, before I give you my advice, let's just everybody say that I understand this isn't how anxiety works, okay? But you should just calm down and go do it. Because it's, it's. It's either going to go well or it's not. Either I'm going to find a hotel or I'm going to sleep in my car. It doesn't. It doesn't matter. I think it really doesn't matter. It's going to be fine. You know what I mean? Like, I'd rather see you go out there, meet a guy and be like, ah, that wasn't for me. Now you have a little bit of instruction. Don't like them that tall. Don't like it when they talk about this. Like this better. I didn't know. I like curly hair. Like that kind of stuff. You know what I mean? And then just move to the next one and keep trying. Also, you're going to be really interested to learn about the people who are. Are initially attracted to you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Get out there. You should do it.

[B]

Yeah, I plan to.

[A]

Good. This summer's a great time. Don't let me press you, but it's getting warm.

[B]

It is?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, this, the, the, the permafrost will probably be gone in a couple more months, right? And then the bears will come out and you can go enjoy your life. Is that not how all this works up there?

[B]

That's exactly how it works.

[A]

I know it is. Don't worry. I got an almanac. Also, Erin, you're in my group, right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, if I look at your profile picture, are you the girl with the glasses or not the glasses?

[B]

Glasses.

[A]

Okay. May I say something?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

You're adorable. Go out there and break some boys hearts. Seriously. Wait till you find out how much fun it is torturing us. My wife seems to be having a party, ruining my life. I think. I really think you're going to enjoy it. Just make some boy love you and then break his heart. It'll take up a whole year. You'll have a Great time. It's going to be fantastic. I just looked at you, and I have a 26 year old. My son's 26. If you were my daughter and I found out that you felt like this and you weren't out there, I'd feel a little heartbroken for you.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah. Go get em, killer. You know what I mean? Like, get out there. Is your mom giving you the whole talk about grandbabies and stuff?

[B]

No, my. One of my brothers just had a baby, so she's pretty.

[A]

Oh, he handled it for you, Bought you some time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you think about. Not that I know you're anxious, but do you think about. Do you worry about if I had a baby, Would it have diabetes?

[B]

I do. Yeah.

[A]

Where do you land on that?

[B]

I. I think. I don't think I would ever let that stop me from, like, deciding to have kids, but it definitely is something that I'm like, ooh, you know?

[A]

Well, you know how much you listened. So you were like, oh, what if the kid does that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Every time Arden pushes back against me, I look at my wife and my wife is looking at me, and I know what, she never says it out loud, but she's thinking, that girl is exactly like you. So, you know, whatever, but. But it's tough. It really is, because you listen. I could. I could hit you with all the platitudes and tell you, like, you know, well, you grew up with Id be. So, you know, and you've made all the mistakes, you don't know what to do. That's all well and good till you say to somebody and they go, no, thank you. Not interested in your opinion. Yeah, awesome, thanks. Here's what I said to my wife the other day, and she agreed with me. I just want to say this for anybody who's listening, we should not have done this. That's what I said. I said, do you remember when it was just you and me and we were just, like, screwing around and having a good time? And like, she's like. And then she goes, happy idea how much money we'd probably have if we did not? I was like, I know.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Now I don't want to be without. Also, when I tried to get my wife to move to Tennessee, she's like, well, I can't move away from the kids. I was like, but aren't they killing us? And she's like, I know, but I can't leave. And I was like, damn it. Oh, I'm stuck. I made these things that I love that are feel no. Compa. Compa. Compunction. Where did that word go? They don't feel any compunction to be kind to me yet. They're not at that age yet.

[B]

Not yet.

[A]

I gotta stay alive long enough for them to apologize to me. That's what I'm thinking. How long do you think that'll be, Aaron? When are you going to apologize? Like 10 more years, maybe?

[B]

Yeah, maybe around there.

[A]

You did say you feel guilty, though, right? About.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

What your parents have been through. Have you said that to them?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. My. Yeah, I mean, I've told them, like, you know, I think they did everything that they could at the time or that they could try, you know, that's

[A]

not comforting to them at all. Right?

[B]

I. Yeah, I know.

[A]

Not that you shouldn't have said it. I'm glad you said it, but it's. They're going to say thank you, and then they're going to feel just the same way. People are really complicated in a strange way. Well, what have we learned from this conversation, Aaron? What have you learned from it? Anything? Or are you just like, oh, I shouldn't have done this. This guy was terrible at this. Where are you at right now?

[B]

I feel like I just wish I had something magical that would help people get out of situations like this.

[A]

Yeah, me too. Every time I have these conversations. Do you ever listen to me with Erica when she comes on?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, she. We go through it, and I have the same terrible thought every time, like, but that's probably not going to happen. You know, do this, do that. This will help. It's all true, by the way. Go do those things. They're going to help and then. And to get to people to do it for reasons like you mentioned, like, either maybe there's medical reasons why they're, you know, a little foggy or low on energy, or maybe they're overweight like I was, and it's hard to get moving on stuff or whatever is holding you back. It's. It. It's just tough. Like, you need somebody to almost, like, pull you out of your life, put you in a white room with white walls and white carpet, and go, hey, look, we got nothing but time here. Let's make a plan and do the things and there's no pressure. That is the one thing it sounds like happened for you is that the very least you were able to reset. It feels like, yes. You know what I mean? Which I think is sounds like it's been really valuable for you, because otherwise, if you're trying to fight the fight and fight the other fight at the same time. Neither fight gets fought correctly and you just end up, you know, in these, you know, skirmishes, constantly in your life, in your head and your life, and in your reality. But if you just stop for a second, and that's a real benefit. How were you able to afford to do that? Your parents were supporting you, helping you?

[B]

Yes, my parents are a big help. And I am on disability. I work part time, but. Yeah, I mean, I don't. You're probably not familiar with, like, the treatment situation in Canada, but even that, you know, you're waiting like, nine months to get into treatment, and it's just

[A]

nine months is the number I hear from everybody. Unless you're dying. Nine months.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And if you get on the list and somebody ends up worse off than you, you slide down.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You don't even get, like, credit for time served on the list.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Am I right about that?

[B]

You know what? That is still one of my questions. They say they don't do that, but.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. I, I listen. Socialized medicine sounds nice. There's pieces of it I think are really great, and then there's parts of it like this where nobody's incentivized by money, so nobody hustles.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like when you need to get paid or you can't turn your air conditioner on, or in your case, you know, thaw out the driveway so you can get to the street. Um, you know, like, it's. It's hard to motivate people at their job sometimes. So. Yeah, it's awesome. Are you happy you did this?

[B]

Yeah, I am, yeah.

[A]

Good. How long have you been listening to the podcast?

[B]

Oh, I found it probably back in, like, 2018. I used to listen to it with my mom while we would, like, cook and stuff.

[A]

Really? That's lovely. I'm glad I didn't say anything terrible about her, because now I would have felt bad if you said that. Then I'm like, oh, I shouldn't have said that. But no, I. I feel. I feel good about the. The conversation that we had. And I mean, honestly, like, from my perspective, you guys are in a situation. It's of not of your own making, of your own making, of a health related making of a reality related making. And it sounds like you did the best you could with it. You know what I mean? And, yeah, it's. It's something to be proud of, honestly.

[B]

Yeah, I think, I think growing up

[A]

helped a lot Just getting older.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Just doing it because you were able to get, what, old enough to do it for yourself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. Because, you know, some people talk about doing it for others. That's pretty common. Like, I had a baby, I wanted to be healthy for the baby. I got married, I wanted that kind of thing. But you just found a way to do it for yourself, which I think is pretty. I almost cursed, but it's pretty great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Good for you. Oh, congratulations.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

It's a pleasure talking to you. It really was.

[B]

Yeah, you too.

[A]

Awesome. Do you have any questions for me or is there anything that I should say that I haven't said?

[B]

So I don't think so.

[A]

I did it. That's all I heard. Perfect. You did it too. You were really great. I am going to stop the recording, but then hold on one second just so I can ask you a couple questions before you go. Okay. Aaron, thank you very much for doing this. I do appreciate you were really transparent and it's going to help a lot of people. So thank you.

[B]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

It's a pleasure.

[B]

Foreign.

[A]

This episode of the Juice Box Podcast is sponsored by the Omnipod 5. And at my link omnipod.com juicebox you can get yourself a free what I just say? A free Omnipod 5 starter kit. Free. Get out of here. Go click on that link omnipod.com juicebox check it out. Terms and conditions apply. Eligibility may vary. Full terms and conditions can be found@ omnipod.com juicebox links in the show notes links@juicebox podcast.com the conversation you just enjoyed was brought to you by usmed usmed.com juicebox or call 888-721-1514. Get started today and get your supplies from U.S. med. If you've listened to any number of podcasts or maybe watched a YouTube video, you're very accustomed to listening to the creator of that content, ask you and sometimes just outright beg you without any feeling of self respect for you to follow, subscribe, share an episode. The reason that happens in podcasting specifically is because podcast players don't have a sophisticated Recommendation engine like YouTube or TikTok does. They can't watch listener behavior and then give you content that you might like. Word of mouth skips that line completely. It's an instantly expanding reach engine and really the only thing I've ever found that helps to keep the Juice Box Podcast growing. So subscribe and follow because that the algorithm understands. Set up automatic downloads. Listen to the show but share it with somebody else. Leave a five star review. Make it a thoughtful review that the algorithm can understand. I really appreciate the time it takes you to do those things. And I hate that I have to say this to you because I feel like an idiot. But subscribe and follow. Tell a friend, please and thank you.