Thais Gibson (71:09)
There are basically five main pillars for healing. So the first pillar is you have to rewire those core wounds. You're not born with them. They get conditioned into you through repetition and emotion over time, and you can change them. So I'll actually give an exercise at the end for how to do that, because a lot of people are like, affirmations or all these things, and, like, that doesn't cut it. That won't work. So we'll give an exercise that actually helps heal those core wounds, because core wounds create havoc in our lives. They're the things that devastate our relationships the most. So the first thing is you have to rewire those core wounds. The second thing is you have to learn to meet your deepest unmet needs. It sounds super cheesy, but healing happens when we essentially become our own parents. And I get people to write down like mom and dad on a page or each of your parents on a page and write a line down that page and then write the things that you didn't get from them that you really needed in your childhood because those are actually usually the things that we struggle to self source the most. So a lot of people will say things, for example, like, oh, dad never protected me. And then as an adult, you've never seen that, that boundary been set for you. So you struggle with your own boundaries, boundaries. And so it ends up being, well then how do you protect yourself? You go out in the world and you learn to set boundaries. So a big part of our healing is to give to ourselves through repetition over time, what we couldn't get. And that goes a really long way in terms of our healing journey. So, so rewiring your core wounds, meeting your deepest unmet needs, regulating your nervous system is huge. And we have to do that. It's not just, oh, do this practice for, for a week. It has to be through repetition over time for at least, least 21 days. And we'll talk about some exercise for how to do that. But that can even be through things like meditation, mindfulness, there's different, more intense somatic processing things that we can do. But I know we don't have like four, four days to go through all of it. So I'll, I'll kind of keep that high level for now. So reg rewire your core wounds, meet your deepest unmet needs from childhood, regulate your nervous system, and then learn to communicate in healthy ways. Almost every insecure attachment cell, anxious, even anxious really, but definitely the avoidance. They don't learn healthy ways to communicate. And so what you'll see, for example, is that dismissive avoidants just won't ever communicate their needs. Anxious attachment cells will try not to communicate their needs because they're scared to take up space and then be abandoned. So then by the time they do communicate, it kind of comes out as low level criticism, like you don't text me enough, you don't call me enough, do you even love me? And most people on the receiving end of that are like, like, oh, you're just criticizing me. Especially if they're an avoidant. They just take all that stuff right to heart. And so we practice positive framing, which is the difference between saying, you don't care about me, you don't. You don't text me enough, versus saying, hey, I really value when we connect more often. Can we try to text every evening a little more frequently? And that way you're saying what you do want instead of what's not happening. And it's much more well received. Okay. It's actually. It makes a massive difference in communication. Fearful avoidance version of this is that they hold everything in, hold everything in, and then they criticize a little higher level. They can sometimes cut a little deeper with their words because they're experiencing a lot of core wounds and pain around things. So they usually will people please until they've had enough. And then they kind of can be a little bit like a volcano erupting. They'll say everything all at once that they've been holding in, and it can kind of come out a little more intensely, but it's the same thing. It's like positive framing. Consistently what you need is extremely important. And the other thing, another high level communication tool, there's like a lot, but just some easy ones to pick from, is also painting a picture of what the need looks like. So I used to see with couples all the time that a couple would come in, let's say this one time, for example, it was a husband and wife. And they came in and the wife was like, my husband never supports me. And they talked about it. The husband said he wanted to support her more. They left that week. That was their, their plan. They came in the next next week, and before they sat down on the couch, the wife was like, my husband didn't do anything. He didn't support me at all. And his face was like, in such disbelief. He was like, I took out the trash, I did the laundry. He starts listing all these things. And she was like, no, no. I needed you to, like, encourage me. And so, you know, sometimes we say what we need, but we're not painting a picture of what it looks like. And because everybody has such different conditioning, it leaves a lot of room for misconception. So I always say to people, positively frame, but then paint a picture of what that looks like.
