← Karma & Chaos with Kail Lowry & Becky Hayter
Karma & Chaos with Kail Lowry & Becky Hayter
FOR THE HAYTERS S2E5 - Relationships: From Making it Down The Aisle, To Breaking Them Off
00:15:18
Listen in as Jess & Devin talk about their reasons for starting DIY breakups. From canceled weddings, engagements, and dealing with societal pressures of what you should do, rather than what you want. To hear the full episode...
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- [00:09]
Unknown
For the haters. For the haters. Come on to it now or later. It don't matter what your name is. Share your story. We'll be waiting.
- [00:27]
Becky
All right, I'm ready.
- [00:30]
All right, what's up, everybody? And welcome back to for the Haters podcast. If you're new here, my name is Becky and I am your host. We are joined here by Laura, who is a co host and writer.
- [00:42]
Laura
What's up, everyone?
- [00:43]
Becky
I don't know. Every time you say that, I always.
- [00:46]
Laura
I don't know what's funny about those three words.
- [00:48]
Becky
And then we're. I don't know if this is the first time for this season or the actual. I don't know if we've ever had two people on at once.
- [00:58]
Laura
Podcast, yes. Video, no. So this is a new first, so.
- [01:02]
Becky
You guys are in for a treat. So today we're joined by Devin and Jess. If you guys want to say hi.
- [01:08]
Laura
At the same time, it's fine. In unison.
- [01:11]
Jess
Hey. Hi.
- [01:15]
Becky
All right.
- [01:16]
Jess
We're not awkward at all.
- [01:17]
Becky
It's totally fine.
- [01:19]
Devin
We're professionals.
- [01:20]
Becky
I thrive off awkwardness. We'll do just fine. So to get started, it's this. And to give everyone a forewarning, I don't know how long this episode's gonna be. It might go past the hour that we normally do, but, I mean, I.
- [01:40]
Feel like this is a pretty relevant.
- [01:42]
And important topic to talk about because it relates to every single person.
- [01:48]
A lot of our podcasts, only they're somewhat niche.
- [01:54]
So if one of you want to start, I don't know who wants to go first. I figured that you guys could kind of just give us a little background.
- [02:04]
Of both of you.
- [02:06]
I know that there's points that we want to talk about, and then we'll get there after that, after we kind of know you and your story. So if you guys want to battle.
- [02:15]
Jess
It out, Jess goes first.
- [02:17]
Devin
That's arm wrestle. That's fine. I would have won it anyways.
- [02:20]
Jess
It's true.
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Devin
So in terms of, like, our story for DIY or just, like, my own personal, like, how we. I got involved or how we came.
- [02:28]
Becky
Up with it, I would say. But, like, how you got involved and, like, what caused you to, you know, start it?
- [02:34]
Devin
Okay, so my personal story, I mean, I guess going back to, like, way back when I was younger, I was never one of those people who grew up, like, picturing my wedding or, like, actually even envisioning it at all. So I would say that I was pretty untraditional in that sense. And so I was Dating my now husband. We were together. We've been together for 10 years, but we're dating long distance. And ultimately I wound up moving from New York to Philadelphia to be with him. And that was around like five years into our relationship. And he proposed and everyone was like, oh my God, congrats. And I was like, wait, like, thanks. But now do I have to, like, have a wedding? Like, is that what comes after the proposal? And so once we kind of got it started with planning the wedding, I found myself kind of falling into what I thought was expensive expected of me, rather than doing what I actually truly wanted to do. And so we wound up booking a venue because obviously you need a place to get married if you have a wedding. And realizing that we didn't want to get married at that venue a couple months later, called off the venue. Lost a lot of money down the line and decided to do things our own way and have more of a traditional, a non traditional backyard wedding with just like friends, family, music, good food. Um, but so throughout that process, really found myself questioning why I was going through with all of these steps that I thought were expected of me and like, knowing that I didn't want to actually do them.
- [04:04]
Becky
I like that.
- [04:05]
And there's so much to unpack there.
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Devin
Yeah, sure, Absolutely.
- [04:09]
Laura
Extended cut.
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Becky
Yeah.
- [04:12]
Jess
So my story's a little bit different than Jess's. I was in a long term relationship with someone. We dated for a total of six years, lived together. You know, on paper, looked like we had the ideal relationship. We were from the same town, we had siblings who were close in age together. We, at the time when we first met, we were working in similar industries. We ended up getting engaged and planning a wedding. And 90 days before we were supposed to get married, I found out he had been cheating on me for the past six months. So on the spot, called everything off and was like, get out of the house, we're done. And had to deal with the fallout of, you know, canceling my wedding and also ending a really serious long term relationship. That's what led me to wanting to start diy. And Jess was. We had worked together at the time, but she was sort of there through all the highs and lows that I went through. She was there when we were dating when we got engaged and saw how excited I was. But then she was also there when things started to get sort of bad between us and I was starting to question the relationship. And then ultimately when we decided to break up and I just knew that I really needed a place to turn to When I was going through such a hard time, and there just wasn't anything out there that existed. And it was so important for me to have a support system of friends and family who I could trust and, you know, had my best interests at heart. And I know not everyone's fortunate enough to have that when going through something pretty difficult.
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Becky
And then. So it's DIY Relationships.
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Jess
So the company is DIY Breakup Breakups.
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Becky
Okay.
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That's what. Okay. If you kind of want to just touch on that and explain, like, what it is and where people can find it and the premise behind it.
- [06:10]
Yeah.
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Jess
So DIY Breakup is a community that was created to support a called off engagement. It's. When I was going through it, I realized people didn't want to talk about calling off an engagement or canceling your wedding. There was a lot of embarrassment attached to it or there was a stigma attached to it that, oh, that poor person. Oh, how terrible for them. So it wasn't something where people were outwardly or openly sharing their stories of the breakup that they went through. So DIY Breakup. You know, one of the biggest things we're doing is just creating a community that people can go to when they're going through a difficult breakup. But we also offer a lot of ways and recommendations on how to recoup the cost of a cutoff wedding. So we offer or give recommendations on where you can sell your dress, your decorations, your engagement ring. But then we recently launched our vendor listing page, so you can list your photographer, florist, your venue in the hopes that someone would rebook it. So you're not liable for paying for the entire cost of the wedding, even though it's not happening.
- [07:12]
Laura
Very interesting.
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Jess
Yeah. And most contracts will say you have to pay us in full regardless if you have it or not. And that's something Jess experienced when she booked a venue and then canceled it and was out that money.
- [07:24]
Devin
Yeah. And so, like, those are a huge part of, like, why. Like, those are pretty much all the reasons why we, you know, started to focus on, like, there's something missing. Like, if you are engaged to someone and you decide that your plans have changed and you no longer want to go through with it, why is there not a support system out there for people that are going through that? Like, why do they have to feel like, number one, they're alone and also to have a financial loss? So, like, what can we do to help people who are going through situations similar to ours? Although Devin and I experienced very different things when planning a wedding and, like, leading up to it. But at the same time, like, we both were kind of like, well, now what do we do? And, like, there wasn't really much out there. And, like, when you're calling off a wedding or you're canceling a venue or whatever it is, the last thing you want to do is, like, Google, like, where can I go to sell my dress? Like, no one wants to do that. And so, like, how can we help and consolidate all this information so that people that have plans changed can, like, go to this one spot and find everything they don't feel stuck?
- [08:20]
Jess
Yeah, I think a big thing for me. And when I. Leading up to everything and before I found out that he was cheating on me, like, I wanted to end the relationship. And it was so hard for me to justify doing that because we had so much history together, number one. But also, we had spent the past year planning for a wedding, and I thought about my parents, and they'd be out thousands of dollars, and how could I do that to them? And I think ever since we launched diy, a lot of people have reached out. Just saying, I wish I would have canceled it before, but I was afraid to because of those same reasons. Like, it was just easier to go through with it and then get divorced later. And the moment, that's what they felt. And then they found out. It's not easier to get divorced. It's actually a lot more expensive and complicated. But I think just having an outlet for people to go to where they just don't feel like you only have one option.
- [09:11]
Becky
Yeah, it's.
- [09:14]
Good.
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I know that you talk about these, like, social standards and social, you know, this pressure that you get from what other people are doing and what people are watching. And it's interesting because, you know, I don't know if I've ever, like, sat down and thought about, like, the heartache that someone goes through in a breakup when they're breaking off an engagement because you're so focused on the wedding that, like, your life just, like, ended in a sense, too. Right. Like, you have to begin a new life afterwards. Because, I mean, I've been through breakups before, and, like, they're awful. Like, they're, like, terrible. And to have to add that on top of it. And I can 100% see how it's just, like, overlooked, like, the feelings and the emotions behind, you know, the breakup and. And dealing with this loss of someone. But you have all this financial and social pressure that's just, like, eating everything else up.
- [10:14]
Jess
Yeah, there's definitely a lot to process in the moment and you don't even know where to start because it's. You want to take care of yourself first, but then you have all these extra things to deal with on top of it. And it's like you were probably living together and then you have to notify your guests and every time you tell someone, they want to know the story, and it's just so many things to tackle and that just are all of a sudden on your plate that it's extremely overwhelming and it just adds another layer that no one wants to deal with. Like you said, it's going through your breakup. You're sad, you're processing it, especially a long term one. It was like I had to, you know, break up with the future I thought I was going to have with this person. So I was just completely again overwhelmed by everything that I had to deal with. All of a sudden, in that moment, it came out of nowhere. It was like, one day we're fine, the next, you know, it's like, see ya.
- [11:04]
Laura
It's almost, I feel like, in a way, it's almost more tragic than. And this is not to discount people who go through divorce or whose parents have gone through divorce, but there are divorce support groups, there are lawyers to help you, you know, divide assets and figure out how to, you know, sort of, I guess, navigate your way through these situations. But you just, I mean, you hit the nail on the head. Like, you're saying goodbye to a future that you didn't have and you're alone doing this. And I feel like people. I've never heard of something like this where people are dedicating a community or a cause rather to help a community of these people through this. My. My mom actually called off an engagement and then a week later met my father. So it's kind of. I guess she was fine.
- [11:45]
Devin
Yeah.
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Laura
But it's tough, I'm sure.
- [11:48]
Devin
And that's the thing too, I think, like, being, you know, being here when Devin went through everything she experienced and like fast forwarding what, a year and a half or two years later and just seeing, like, how much, not better, because obviously you're a great person then, but like, how much you've learned and grown from that experience. Like, like you mentioned, like, everything's gonna be okay. And it might not seem like it in the moment, but, like, this is happening for whatever reason, it's happening and you will come out better.
- [12:13]
Becky
Sure.
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Laura
And you want to now help people.
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Devin
Figure that out for themselves.
- [12:17]
Laura
That's.
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Devin
I think that's wonderful.
- [12:19]
Becky
I have a really, like one of my best friends that went through this situation and I actually texted her today and I was like, oh, like, look at the topic that we're discussing today. And she was like, holy shit. Like, I wanted to do this because I felt so alone. You know, she called, had a call off her wedding of a very long term boyfriend. And like, she kept sending me screenshots of stuff you guys posted because, like, she just related to it and she's like, I wish I had this for, you know, when I was going through this because I, you know, I know the emotional damage that like she went through from just not even the loss of the relationship, but from calling off the wedding. Like, there was so much like trauma that like she went through that. Like, you know, I didn't know like, how she was going to get through it because, you know, I can't relate to it. You can only sit there and listen. And that's, you know, the premise of kind of what we, what we do here is connect people that have similar stories so that they know that it can get better.
- [13:23]
Laura
There's a common thread between I think, what we do and what you do. And so it's nice to have you.
- [13:27]
Devin
On for that reason because, I mean.
- [13:29]
Becky
This is something that can literally happen to every single person that is listening. So it's obviously a need to have this type of support because it's not talked about enough. Yeah, but I mean, it all stems. Also, I know that you guys had mentioned wanting to talk about it. There's also the underlining aspect of like relationships themselves. Right. And, you know, staying in relationships longer than you should have because of, of the social pressure, toxic relationships that is too common in the world that we live in. I don't know if you want to kind of touch on those points a little bit.
- [14:07]
Jess
Yeah, I mean, for myself, I was the kind of person who let my relationship define who I was. And I thought that that was the most interesting thing about me. And I see a lot of my friends or people that I know in situations like that where you're just investing so much into this one person that you're just determined to make it work. And that's what happened with us. I was just exhausting every option because he was my world. Like, I didn't think that I had any type of life of my own because I just invested so much of myself and my energy into him and making us this couple. And it was just completely unrealistic and also sad at the same time because I completely lost who I was and then if you don't feel like you know who you are as a person, like, how can you feel okay being on your own or standing on your own two feet? So I think that's part of what kept me in the relationship for so long, even though it was unhealthy and I wasn't happy at the end of the day.
- [15:05]
Unknown
I appreciate you listening this far. For the Haters is where we dive even deeper to hear the rest of this episode. Make sure to subscribe to for the Haters. Remember, you are not alone.
- [15:16]
Becky
Your support means so much. Thank you.