Karma & Chaos with Kail Lowry & Becky Hayter: Episode Summary – "Love & Marriage & IVF"
In the insightful episode titled "Love & Marriage & IVF," hosts Kail Lowry and Becky Hayter delve deep into Becky's personal journey through infertility, marriage, and the intricate process of in vitro fertilization (IVF) as a queer couple. This episode offers a candid and heartfelt exploration of the challenges and triumphs associated with starting a family in their 30s.
1. Introduction to Becky's IVF Journey
The episode begins with Becky opening up about her struggles in 2020, where she turned to microdosing mushrooms as a coping mechanism during a period of intense suicidal ideation and anxiety stemming from past traumas.
Becky [01:09]: "This is not medical advice to anyone listening. ... I do not condone this work for me."
Becky shares that her exploration into psychedelics was an attempt to find solace and reprogram her mindset towards the present.
2. Deciding to Start IVF and Marriage
The turning point in Becky's life came in early 2024 when she and her partner, Leah, began contemplating the idea of parenthood. Their decision to pursue IVF was solidified during a fertility appointment, which unexpectedly led to their marriage in July.
Becky [08:37]: "Everyone always says that there's never a right time to have kids, but I couldn't disagree more."
Kail and Becky discuss how the newfound stability and connection between her and Leah made them feel ready to embark on the journey of starting a family together.
3. Navigating the Financial and Logistical Challenges of IVF
One of the significant hurdles Becky and Leah faced was the exorbitant cost of IVF treatments, which initially amounted to approximately $25,000 out of pocket for each of them. The lack of insurance coverage for their specific situation as a queer couple compounded the financial strain.
Becky [10:28]: "Because IVF is not cheap."
Determined to make IVF accessible, they explored various fertility clinics, ultimately discovering Seed Scout—a private donor matching company founded by a lawyer and pediatrician who empathized with their struggles.
Becky [16:04]: "It's like you're just a number going through their clinic. You're not like a human, really."
4. The Reciprocal IVF Process
As a queer couple, Becky and Leah opted for reciprocal IVF, allowing both partners to participate actively in the conception process. This approach involved both Becky and Leah retrieving their eggs and carrying the embryos, fostering a deeper emotional connection to the journey.
Becky [31:01]: "How beautiful is it that we get to experience this together."
They emphasize the importance of mutual support and understanding, recognizing that undergoing IVF simultaneously strengthens their bond and ensures they are there for each other through every step.
5. Selecting a Sperm Donor with Seed Scout
Becky discusses their unique experience with Seed Scout, where they had the opportunity to personally select and interact with sperm donors, as opposed to the traditional anonymous donor process. This personalized approach allowed them to form a meaningful connection with their chosen donor.
Becky [22:37]: "The first one we met with, it was just like this instant. It was an instant connection."
This method not only provided them with peace of mind but also aligned with their desire for a more transparent and relational donor experience.
6. Embryo Retrieval and Transfer Experiences
The retrieval process was intense and emotionally taxing. Leah successfully retrieved 17 eggs, while Becky retrieved 10. The subsequent embryo transfer resulted in Leah having 12 embryos and Becky securing one high-quality embryo.
Becky [41:05]: "Yeah. And not for nothing, we have been doing hormone shots for the past two weeks."
Becky shares her emotional response to the limited success with her own embryo but remains optimistic due to the multiple embryos Leah produced, highlighting the unpredictability and emotional rollercoaster inherent in IVF.
7. Coping with Emotional and Physical Challenges
Throughout the IVF process, both Becky and Leah faced significant emotional and physical challenges, including Leah's difficult recovery post-retrieval and the hormonal fluctuations that left Becky feeling like "a wreck."
Becky [34:07]: "No, not from the retrieval, just from the things changing."
They discuss the importance of maintaining mental health and the fear of postpartum depression, especially given their past experiences and observations of friends' struggles.
Becky [49:36]: "Postpartum scares me that much..."
8. Future Steps and Support Systems
As the episode nears its conclusion, Becky and Leah prepare for upcoming pregnancy tests and discuss potential scenarios based on the results. They emphasize the strength of their support system and their readiness to handle any outcome together.
Becky [53:14]: "I like being open about it because ... made me feel so much better."
Their openness about their journey aims to provide comfort and guidance to listeners facing similar challenges, encouraging honesty and seeking support.
9. Insights and Advice for Others on the IVF Journey
Becky offers valuable advice to listeners considering IVF, emphasizing the importance of early egg retrieval and the benefits of personalized donor selection processes.
Becky [60:38]: "If you are someone that wants to have kids in the future, freeze your eggs. Freeze your eggs."
She advocates for proactive decision-making and shares her realization of the lack of awareness regarding fertility preservation options.
10. Conclusion and Moving Forward
The episode concludes with Becky and Kail expressing their excitement for the future and their hope to inspire and support others through their candid discussions about love, marriage, and the IVF process.
Becky [62:24]: "We're excited."
Notable Quotes:
- Becky [08:37]: "Everyone always says that there's never a right time to have kids, but I couldn't disagree more."
- Becky [31:01]: "How beautiful is it that we get to experience this together."
- Becky [53:14]: "I like being open about it because ... made me feel so much better."
- Becky [60:38]: "If you are someone that wants to have kids in the future, freeze your eggs. Freeze your eggs."
This episode of "Karma & Chaos" offers a profound look into the complexities of navigating love and marriage while embarking on the challenging journey of IVF. Becky's transparency and willingness to share her vulnerabilities provide a relatable and inspiring narrative for listeners facing similar life decisions.