Podcast Summary: Kat on the Loose – "BETTER SEX WITH DR JENN GUNSAULLUS, PH.D."

Host: Kat Zammuto
Guest: Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Ph.D. (Sexologist, Sociologist, Author, Relationship Coach, TEDx Speaker)
Release Date: July 17, 2024

Overview:

This episode dives deep into breaking the stigmas and taboos that surround female sexual expression, intimacy, and sexual communication. Kat and Dr. Jenn candidly explore how shame, societal conditioning, and outdated beliefs hurt women’s sexuality, relationships, and self-esteem. They share practical strategies for reclaiming agency, approaching sexual conversations, embracing aging bodies, and empowering both women and men to own their pleasure—at any age.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Societal Stigma Around Talking About Sex

• Shame & Censorship:
  Both Kat and Dr. Jenn express frustration at how openly discussing "sex" gets censored, especially on social media.

  “Every time we say the word sex we get censored… I get shadow banned and I get messages from Instagram like, take this down, take that down." – Kat (03:19-03:39)

• Cultural Contradictions:
  Dr. Jenn contrasts the U.S. culture with, for example, Scandinavian countries, where naked bodies are less sexualized and shame around sex is less prevalent.

  “In the US we combine it all together… and then it’s like a deeply felt sense of something that’s inappropriate and dirty and wrong and embarrassing to talk about.” – Dr. Jenn (04:12-05:25)

2. How Early Conditioning Shapes Sexual Shame & Empowerment

• Inherited Beliefs:
  Dr. Jenn encourages listeners to reflect on where their internalized shame and discomfort originate—often from family, religion, and society.

  “For all of us, that's the best starting point we can do – reflect on, what did I learn? Where did I learn it? Literally, where do I feel it in my body?” – Dr. Jenn (06:17-07:21)

• Role of Generational Change:
  The importance of older women “normalizing this for younger women and talking about it, talking openly about it.” (07:21-08:04)

3. The Double Standard for Women

• Backlash is Real:
  Kat describes pushback she gets for her work on empowering women to speak about sexuality, much of which comes from men but at times from women too.

  “If you don’t want to do business with me, I probably don’t want to do business with you because I want to do business with men that are proud of women speaking up about important issues." – Kat (09:44-10:02)

• Reframing the Conversation:
  Dr. Jenn suggests turning discomfort back onto those expressing it:

  “I really will say turn it around on people, acknowledge that they're uncomfortable, and then say, why? Why is this me?” – Dr. Jenn (10:02-10:36)

4. Speaking Up About Sexual Needs in Relationships

• Start with Your Fears:
  Dr. Jenn’s advice is to identify your deepest fears before broaching the subject with a partner—fear of judgment, hurting feelings, embarrassment, etc.

  “The first step... is find out what are you most afraid of?... Then start the conversation in that place and actually say to your partner... I'm afraid to bring it up.” – Dr. Jenn (11:13-12:27)

• Practical Tips for Initiating the Conversation:

  • Own your insecurity up front.
  • Don’t have these conversations during sex; pick a neutral or intimate moment outside the bedroom.
  • Be intentional with setting and tone.

  “Speak up. If you're the right partner, even if it's something they don't want to do, they're still going to be supportive and proud of you.” – Kat (13:44-13:56)

• Roleplay and Practice:
  Dr. Jenn advocates rehearsing the conversation alone first to process your emotions and build confidence.

  “Practice it ahead of time. Like actually sit, spend five minutes, think about what you’re going to say… breathe through it.” – Dr. Jenn (17:28-18:19)

5. Sex & Aging: Myths, New Normals, and Better Sex

• Sexual Agency Gets Stronger With Age:
  Kat shares her experience of having better sex as she’s aged and become more vocal about her needs.

  “For me, the more I age, the better it gets because I speak up. I know what I want in a partner.” – Kat (19:37-19:57)

• Bodies Change, Communication Matters:
  Dr. Jenn stresses that bodies (and arousal, orgasm) change with age and life circumstances, but communication and teamwork keep intimacy vibrant.

  “I want him to know what my body's doing… we need to work as a team with this.” – Dr. Jenn (20:21-21:02)

• Intimacy Beyond Penetration:

  “Everything I talk about, sex is part of intimacy, but also emotional connection, mental connection, being vulnerable… that is what will create lasting sexual intimacy... even if nobody's getting an erection.” – Dr. Jenn (21:10-21:59)

6. Dealing with Sexual Disinterest, Body Shame & Self-Worth

• Start with the Underlying Narrative:
  Dr. Jenn again recommends asking, “What are you most afraid of?” as a path to finding new stories about sexuality, confidence, and pleasure.

  “We absolutely can write new sexual and intimacy stories for ourselves.” – Dr. Jenn (25:32-26:47)

• Body Insecurity Is Universal:
  Both speakers debunk the myth that physical “perfection” is what leads to great sex; rather, confidence and presence do.

  “Literally what we've been taught to fear around our bodies and judgment interferes with what we think folks are judging us for—our bodies. But… they're actually judging us for being insecure and not having passion.” – Dr. Jenn (29:25-29:50)
  “Everything starts with self-love, right?” – Kat (29:50)

• Mantra for Self-Esteem:
  Dr. Jenn recommends:

  “I'm on the journey to believing I'm a beautiful woman. I'm on the journey to believing I'm worthy.” (30:34-31:12)

7. Talking (and Listening!) in Bed

• Communication Increases Passion:

  • Kat dislikes “silent sex” and appreciates sexual communication and dirty talk.
  • Silence in bed is often the result of early conditioning or past sexual shame.

  “What makes for the best sexual encounter with a woman? …When she's not self-conscious and when she's like passionate and just losing herself in the moment.” – Dr. Jenn (29:23-29:50)

• Toys & Male Insecurity:
  Men often feel threatened by vibrators; Dr. Jenn encourages reframing toys as tools for mutual pleasure, not as “competition.”

  “You’re working as a team together to enhance pleasure... Toys can be very intimidating to men because they’re like, wait, I thought that was my job.” – Dr. Jenn (41:52-42:13)

8. Masturbation: Owning Solo Pleasure

• Still More Taboo for Women:
  Masturbation, especially for women, remains unnecessarily shameful.

  “That is way more taboo in general than sex in terms of how people feel about it and react to it.” – Dr. Jenn (37:05-37:11)

• Rewriting the Story:
  Identify where the shame comes from, recognize it as someone else's “story,” and start creating your own narrative of sexual self-acceptance.

  “Shining a bright light on it helps you realize… that’s someone else’s bullshit. That was society’s shame.” – Dr. Jenn (37:36-40:17)

• Practical Tips:

  • Try different toys (buy online if shy).
  • Masturbating in front of a partner can be fun and build connection (if both interested).
  • Tools like MojoUpgrade.com can help couples discover mutual interests safely. (43:36-44:15)

9. The “Ghosting after Sex” Dating Trend

• Disturbing Pattern:
  Kat raises the issue of grown men ghosting after multiple dates and finally having sex—a hurtful, power-play behavior.

  “It really does feel like a power game… they’re love bombing the woman… all building up to this excitement and then… they’re like, yeah, and I’m done here. That is such an asshole thing to do.” – Dr. Jenn (47:11-47:58)

• Compassion & Honest Communication:

  “At least send a message. If you don’t want to see anybody, at least don’t ghost. Have some respect for the fellow human…” – Dr. Jenn (48:52-49:12)

10. Final Encouragement—You Deserve Fulfilling Sex

• Change is Always Possible:

  "If it’s not working for you and you’re not happy or you’re not satisfied… it can be different. Trust that and believe that and you’re worthy of that.” – Dr. Jenn (50:05-51:08)

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “We’re all walking contradictions… yet we learn still, most of us, at such a young age to carry such shame and embarrassment… our bodies are inappropriate… It’s not something dirty.”
  — Dr. Jenn, (04:12-05:25)

• “Just because you feel uncomfortable with this doesn't make it wrong. And that to me is the starting point.”
  — Dr. Jenn, (08:04-09:05)

• “I think during a romantic dinner… that's the time that I would pick.”
  — Kat, (14:54-16:01)

• “Everything I talk about… sex is part of intimacy, but also emotional connection, mental connection, being vulnerable… that is all… what will create lasting sexual intimacy with your partner, even if nobody’s getting an erection.”
  — Dr. Jenn, (21:10-21:59)

• “What makes for the best sexual encounter with a woman? …When she's not self-conscious and when she's like passionate and just losing herself in the moment.”
  — Dr. Jenn, (29:23–29:50)

• “We absolutely can write new sexual and intimacy stories for ourselves.”
  — Dr. Jenn, (25:32-26:47)

• “If it’s not working for you and you’re not happy or you’re not satisfied. It can be different. And trust that and believe that and you’re worthy of that.”
  — Dr. Jenn, (50:05–51:08)

Timestamps of Important Segments

• 03:19–03:39 — The challenge of censorship for sex educators
• 04:12–05:25 — Cultural differences and deep-seated shame
• 07:21–08:04 — Generational responsibility; how older women can help
• 10:02–10:36 — Turning discomfort back onto the uncomfortable
• 11:13–12:27 — How to start difficult conversations with partners
• 13:31–13:56 — Vulnerability as a path to intimacy
• 14:54–16:24 — Why you shouldn’t bring up new sex topics during sex
• 17:28–18:19 — How to practice and rehearse conversations
• 19:57–20:21 — Sex (and better sex!) as we age
• 29:23–29:50 — Passion beats insecurity in bed
• 37:05–37:11 — Masturbation is “way more taboo in general than sex”
• 47:11–47:58 — The emotional harm of ghosting after sex
• 50:05–51:08 — The fundamental message: “It can be different.”

Memorable, Light-Hearted Moments

• Kat and Dr. Jenn “virtually” fist-bump when celebrating the normalization of masturbation and self-pleasure discussions. (37:28)
• Playful banter about dating and the silence of uncommunicative partners in bed. (32:25–33:47)

Resources & Recommendations

• Book: From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women, Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus
• Self-Discovery Tool: MojoUpgrade.com (mutual sexual interests quiz)
• Takeaway Message: Communicate, practice vulnerability, and give yourself permission for pleasure—no matter your age or relationship status.

Closing Statement

“I'm living proof that it can be different. You can always start over. You can always pick up and find the right partner for you.” — Kat (51:08)
“Thank you so much. You're fun. You're amazing. You're beautiful, you're intelligent, you're the whole package.” — Kat (51:24)