BREAK FREE AND RISE - GETTING RID OF NARCISSISTS & ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Summary

Kat on the Loose — Episode Summary

Episode Title: BREAK FREE AND RISE - GETTING RID OF NARCISSISTS & ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Host: Kat Zammuto
Date: June 10, 2026
Episode Length: ~43 minutes (content summarization excludes ads, intro/outro)

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Overview

This raw and candid episode centers on overcoming abusive and narcissistic relationships, reclaiming personal power, and rebuilding life from rock bottom. Host Kat Zammuto shares her own harrowing journey through grief, loss, betrayal, and financial ruin after escaping an abusive marriage. Together with co-host (or guest, another Kat), they unpack the realities of trauma, offer pragmatic advice for survivors, break down damaging cultural myths, and demonstrate—through lived experience—that self-reinvention and empowerment are possible.

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Key Topics & Insights

1. The Power of Personal Stories & Speaking Up

• The host introduces Kat as a survivor who has risen from narcissistic abuse and relational trauma.
• Kat describes why sharing real, unfiltered stories empowers others.
• Quote: “We are living proof that … it can be the most horrible tragedies, pain, abuse — you can rise. And we are way more resilient than we think we are.” (Kat, 04:33)

2. Catastrophic Loss & the Breaking Point ([02:19]–[07:41])

• Kat outlines her background: immigrant, self-made, married for 15 years to a wealthy yet alcoholic and abusive husband.
• The most painful turning point: her mother’s suicide, her father’s death, her husband’s utter lack of empathy.
• Quote: “The day my father passed away … my husband was getting drunk already. … He started laughing and dismissed it. … That was the day that it clicked. … This man is never going to be supportive.” (Kat, 03:07)
• Upon her husband’s death, she lost all financial security; “I lost everything I had. … Jobless, penniless, broke, alone.” (Kat, 07:41)

3. Realization of False Support ([07:01]–[11:37])

• After losing everything, Kat reaches out for help—only to find friends and even close family abandon her.
• “Everybody ran away like rats. … Not one person came and said … even my family members … everybody disappeared.” (Kat, 07:01)

4. The Silver Lining: Authentic Connections

• The experience strips away inauthentic relationships.
• “The few people I have around me … they really care about me. … With everything we go through, you gotta take a lesson.” (Kat, 10:39)
• Both hosts agree hardship reveals true friends.

5. The Duty to Empower Others ([11:47]–[13:36])

• Kat and host find shared purpose in advocating for women stuck in abusive dynamics.
• Speaking up is both a healing process and activism for others still trapped.
• “You can start over, you can get out of the worst, most abusive relationship, and you can find your voice again.” (Kat, 12:47)

6. Rebuilding from Nothing — Practical Steps ([15:42]–[23:00])

Kat’s actionable framework for starting over:

• Suffer in private: “Cry in private … wash your face … put your best outfit on … you go out into the world like you already made it.” (Kat, 16:02)
• Don’t broadcast your pain: People sense vulnerability and may exploit it; instead, present strength and confidence.
• Show up as the woman you want to become: “Nobody wants to do business with somebody crying … walk around like you have your shit together.” (Kat, 16:02)
• Upgrade your environment: “Find the nicest five star hotel, sit at a bar … walk around high-end businesses. … Be in places where people are way richer, happier, more successful.” (Kat, 26:26)
• Own your strengths and value: “You have to be rich in everything else … rich in your smile, your energy.” (Kat, 22:24)
• Take opportunities to connect and learn from others: Attend networking events, offer your skills without discussing your hardships.
• Host affirms: “We rescue ourselves. … Until I learned to rescue myself … and be my own mom and my own bestie first.” (Host, 19:04)

7. Psychological Shifts & Self-Responsibility ([32:44]–[37:09])

• No longer identify as a victim.
• “A big part of taking our power back is deciding we are not a victim.” (Kat, 32:48)
• It’s not your fault but it IS your responsibility to save yourself:
  • “It’s not your fault, but damn it, it’s your responsibility to pull yourself out.” (Host, 36:42)
• “At the end of the day … you are the only one that lives with yourself. So you have to believe in yourself even when nobody else does.” (Kat, 31:48)

8. Dealing with Shame & Not Being Believed ([34:12]–[36:42])

• Society often blames the abused, deepening isolation and shame.
• “Is this okay, is this okay to be called all these names … did I do something to deserve this?” (Kat, 35:42)
• Both hosts recount experiences of being physically abused and not being supported by family, police, or friends.
• “If anybody out there is listening … if you are going through abuse, it’s never, ever, ever, ever, ever your fault.” (Kat, 35:59)

9. Building a New, Self-Focused Life ([37:16]–[39:48])

• Kat describes her current thriving routine—early rising, dog walks, entrepreneurship, coaching women, creative fulfillment.
• “When I lost everything … I was going to pursue all my passions.” (Kat, 38:42)
• Don’t shape your new life for others’ approval.

10. Closing Empowerment: Sober Life, New Choices ([40:06]–[42:17])

• Both hosts discuss the importance of sobriety and moving away from relationships or environments that enable addiction.
• “I don’t want to be around a heavy drinker.” (Kat, 41:08)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On reclaiming power:
  “Stop talking about the person [the abuser]. Shift the energy back to you.” (Host, 29:15)

• On moving forward:
  “You have to be your biggest supporter. … At the end of the day, it falls on us.” (Kat, 30:52)

• On self-worth:
  “There’s a big difference between wanting a partner and needing a partner. … Actually being alone is a superpower. You shouldn’t be afraid of that.” (Kat, 14:35)

• On the pain of abandonment:
  “Knowing that … nobody really cared about me, that they just cared about what I was able to provide them — that was a really tough lesson.” (Kat, 10:39)

• On pursuing passion:
  “If you’re trying to start your life over, just pursue what you love and you will very likely find a lot of success.” (Kat, 38:42)

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Important Timestamps

• [03:07] — Kat’s breaking point: husband’s reaction to her father’s death.
• [07:01] — Friends and family abandoning after crisis.
• [12:47] — Finding purpose in helping others break free.
• [16:02] — Step-by-step: Surviving and rebuilding after devastation.
• [22:24] — “Be rich in your smiles, your energy.”
• [26:26] — The “upgrade method” for meeting new people and finding opportunities.
• [29:15] — The importance of no longer giving power to the abuser.
• [32:48] — Renouncing the victim identity.
• [36:42] — “It’s never, ever your fault” — message to listeners in abusive situations.
• [38:42] — Rediscovering passions and rebuilding life on your own terms.
• [41:08] — Sobriety as a lifestyle and boundary.

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Final Takeaways

• Empowerment begins with self-responsibility, not self-blame.
• Reinvention is possible, even after utter devastation.
• True connection comes from authenticity and lived experience.
• Isolation in crisis is common, but can be transformed into solitude, strength, and discernment.
• Take concrete steps: grieve in private, present your best self to the world, seek out inspiring environments, and focus on personal passions.
• It is not your fault if you’re abused, but it is your responsibility to rescue yourself.
• Surround yourself with healthy, supportive energy—not with people who only bond through pain.
• Sober living and boundaries are part of sustained healing.

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For listeners seeking empowerment, this episode not only offers emotional validation but also actionable guidance to break free, reclaim your life, and begin again.

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If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, reach out for help. Kat and her guest offer guidance and proof that a new life is not only possible—it’s within your power to create.

Transcript

[Host]

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[Kat]

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[Host]

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[Kat]

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[Host]

Well, hello.

[Kat]

Hi.

[Host]

Welcome to my podcast.

[Kat]

Thank you.

[Host]

Powerful woman rising from narcissistic abuse. And really it's about relational trauma. It's about you. Love that. And I want to introduce my guest today, Kat. Welcome, Kat.

[Kat]

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so glad we connected.

[Host]

I'm so happy to have you. I want to share with the audience right away why I connected with you.

[Kat]

Please.

[Host]

As I scrolled back to one of your reels, it really hit me hard. And it was the reel that you said my father, the alcoholic father and the, the divorce and how. But what you said was really why I connected with you. You said we can't just sit and think about and being self pity of what happened. We have to rise and take our power back. And that is my whole message.

[Kat]

Yes. So it was my mom, by the way, who was an alcoholic. Yes. But my mom was an alcoholic and she did kill herself one year before my husband died. But yes. And I use this phrase all the time on my show, take your power back. Because I think we can. And when I found you and I saw your work and I saw, oh my God, she says the same thing. I'm like, yes, we definitely have to connect and talk because this is so powerful. And I think a lot of women don't even understand how you do that. Right. And how much it changes your life.

[Host]

Exactly. And how aligned and exuberant and energy you have inside when you do that. Forgive me. I said your father, but what was it about your father that you had mentioned?

[Kat]

Because what I mentioned was I was on somebody's show. And they asked me what was the deal breaker that finally made me leave my abusive marriage. And I said the day my father passed away, my. It was 7am and my mom called me and told me my father passed away and my husband was getting drunk already by the pool in our house. And when I went to tell him, you know, my dad passed away, he started laughing and dismissed it like, oh, whatever, you know, it's not a big deal. He wasn't a nice person. And that was the day that it clicked in my head. After 15 years of being in this abusive marriage, dealing with an alcoholic husband, I was like, you know what? This man is never going to be supportive. He's never going to be able to hug me, make me feel better because. Oh, wow. Yeah. Because alcohol took over his life. Yeah. That was what I mentioned about my dad. Yeah.

[Host]

So that day, you lose your dad and then your husband chooses his. His drug of choice, alcohol, rather than suit up, show up, love, support in every way. And that's when you. It hit you.

[Kat]

So.

[Host]

So, Kat, this is so. First of all, I am so, so sorry you went through that.

[Kat]

Thank you.

[Host]

I'm so sorry. I am so, so the time you needed him the most and the gift of a crisis.

[Kat]

Yeah. But I will say something that. Yeah, I've been through hell and high water and I know you've been through hell and high water. Yes. And this is the good news. We are living proof that whatever it is that you're going through life, it can be the most horrible tragedies. Pain, pain, abuse, you can rise. And we are way more resilient than we think we are. And I want the women out there listening that maybe are going through what we went through, that they see a light at the end of the tunnel. Right. You just got to keep going

[Host]

so good right there. We are more resilient than we can imagine. So we have self doubt, but we have self lack of realization. Right?

[Kat]

Yes.

[Host]

Right. Kat, you also mentioned in one of your reels that you had to start from scratch.

[Kat]

Yes. I have this crazy story. My husband was very rich. Right. And we were married for 15 years. So we had all these homes, cars, a lot of money in the bank, la la la, you know, this really fancy life. And. But when he passed away, I lost everything. The courts did not enforce our will. It's a crazy long story. The people in charge of the wheel decided they wanted to take over the company, my assets and everything. They literally called me and told me, you know, that I was going to end up on the street, homeless. It's a true story. It's a true story. So I lost my mom, I lost my husband, and I lost all my assets. I. I lost everything I had. I went down to my bank and my account was closed. Everything was gone. Everything was gone. I was like, oh, my God, what am I gonna do? Yeah, it's true story.

[Host]

Nothing. Zero.

[Kat]

Nothing, Nothing. I mean, I didn't have a job because my husband didn't like me to work. So he go. He got more and more controlling during the marriage. I depended on him. I. I thought. What I thought I had were a lot of friends, right. Because I was always surrounded by so many people because I was so rich. I had all this. Now I. Now I know. But at the time, I thought, you know, I have so many friends that come to my parties and are always around. Yeah. I'm gonna go around asking for jobs and opportunities. Somebody's gonna give me a chance.

[Host]

Yes.

[Kat]

And this was the most painful part of everything that happened to me. I. And I. Very sadly, it's the truth. Everybody ran away like rats. Not one person. Not even my family members. Like, the closest people to me in my family, they disappear. Not one person came and said, and I didn't ask people for money. I asked people for job, for an opportunity. Everybody disappeared. Everybody disappeared. I'm not kidding you. That's a true story. Yeah, I know.

[Host]

Hot.

[Kat]

Wow. Yeah. And I mean, this is in a nutshell, right? Because obviously, if you go deep into detail, you're like a holy cow. But, yes, I found myself. And I. That's why I keep. I keep repeating the message on my social media and on my show because I found myself jobless, penniless, broke, alone. I did not know my value. Because I'm sure you agree when you are in a very abusive relationship for a long time, it's not overnight that you remember who you are. Right. It takes a long time. Right. It's a journey. So at the time, I was very broken. I didn't remember that I was intelligent. I didn't remember that I was capable. I mean, I was called. I don't know if I can swear, inertial, but I was called a. I was called a useless piece of. For 15 years, you know, my husband was very abusive verbally. So I was like, at the bottom. At the bottom. At the bottom of the world, you know, I was really like, what am I going to do? Yeah. Wow.

[Host]

Grief.

[Kat]

Yeah. Loss.

[Host]

Divorce. Betrayal. Abandonment.

[Kat]

Yes. Penniless. Yes.

[Host]

Hopeless. Probably in that moment, alone.

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Host]

Shunned. From family because I, I, I do relate to that because culturally we have to be in this box or even they will. But and so I think the thing that stings for me is when you say a friends.

[Kat]

Yes. I think more for me, you know, more painful because of course I lost everything material that I had built with my husband for 15 years. Obviously I thought I was set for life, right? I'm like, okay, I'm married to this man and we build all these things together. But of course it hurts when you, you see like how am I going to pay my bills, how am I going to eat? But knowing that I was surrounded by phonies, by people that were only interested in what I pursued, provided was so much more painful than losing the money because somehow, because I was been always very resilient, right? I'm an immigrant. I'm a self made immigrant. I put myself through college, I did, I always did everything by myself because my parents were never very supportive of me. So I thought, you know, somehow I'm gonna figure something out. But when I reached out to the people closest to me, my best friend of more than 30 years, she blocked me on the, she blocked me on the phone because she didn't want to deal with me. You know, she did not want to deal with me and she was my best friend in this world. So that was way more painful to realize that I was so alone that nobody really cared about me, that they just cared about what I was able to provide them. That was a really tough lesson.

[Host]

Oh my God. I, that is. We don't know anybody until we go through a crisis, right?

[Kat]

I know, but look, this is the silver lining and you probably agree with me when you have nothing or like when you don't have money, you live a simple life or you're starting over. At least now, you know, at least in my case nowadays I know that the few people I have around me, they are around me because they really care about me. Because I'm not gonna throw a, a multi million dollar party. I don't have a fancy boat anymore, I don't have men. So that's the silver lining of everything, right? I think with everything that we go through in life, you gotta take a lesson, you gotta figure out why is this happening to me? What can I learn from this? So I think that's the biggest lesson for me was to realize that unfortunately it's human nature. A lot of people are around us for the wrong reasons and you know,

[Host]

and it takes years to see. So.

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Host]

So Cat, you I get. But you're telling my story.

[Kat]

I know. When I. That's why I said I wanted to listen to your show. And I'm like, wow, we have so many. And I think you and I, we have a lot of similarities, but we also represent millions of women out there that have similar stories. I am on a few Facebook groups that I just started jumping in last year of women that are still in abusive relationships, that are still in relationships with narcissists, and they don't know how to get out. And I think people like us that were able to survive abusive marriages, narcissistic relationships, and we found our voice because obviously, having a show gives us an audience. It's our duty as communicators to speak up, because we might be able to empower one more, two more, three more out there to believe that you can start over, you can get out of the worst, most abusive relationship, and you can find your voice again. And the phrase we both use, you can take your power back.

[Host]

You can take your power back. And you know what? I. I'm in awe. And so I feel so much electric energy with what you're saying. And it's women like you that I tend to trust more, that have gone through the wringer and have been betrayed by girlfriends, friends, family, because we know what it feels like. We know the desperation and the need of just a hug, a connection. And some of these women stay because it's familiar, because they're afraid to be alone, because they. They'll take the breadcrumbs rather than the whole package. Well, my inner circle, my friend Cat has become very. It's in one hand.

[Kat]

Same. Same nowadays when once I rebuild my. All these things that happened to me happened six years ago. Right. So all these six years, I've been rebuilding. My show started just as a pet project where I was venting, and it grew this massive audience. So now I know I have a huge audience worldwide. But nowadays, I am much more protective of who I trust and who is around me. Yeah, we just get stronger, for sure.

[Host]

You know, we get stronger in discernment, and we are very cautious of who we let in, because it would. You. I. I would think you agree with me, because in those times that we broke down, we. We had to build ourselves up, so we built a relationship with ourselves that people can come and go.

[Kat]

Yes.

[Host]

I mean, I. I don't have to. I'm not so attached anymore to people because I know. We know we got our own back.

[Kat]

Same. Yes. And I will say to all the women out there listening, especially the ones who are still in abusive relationships, still in abusive marriages. A huge part of taking our power back is learning to love your own company, learning to love yourself, understanding how strong you are, that you don't need a partner. There's a big difference, right, between wanting a partner and needing a partner. And if you learn the power you have alone, you are going to be much stronger in terms of rebuilding your life. And because like you just said, a lot of women stay in this abusive relationships because they're so afraid of being alone. And actually being alone is a superpower. You shouldn't be afraid of that. I know.

[Host]

I love being with me. I make dates with me.

[Kat]

Same I do.

[Host]

I make dates with me.

[Kat]

And yes, yes, I love that. Yeah.

[Host]

Because. And in fact, I start to feel uneasy and anxious if I don't.

[Kat]

Yes.

[Host]

Actually, Actually, Kat, tell our viewers. Tell us, how did you rebuild? What was the first, second, third step you did? So, so we're gonna go back to friends blocking, family gone, Husband drunk. Dad passed away. How did you rebuild? What was the steps you took?

[Kat]

Give us the. So the steps. And I always. And I repeat that on my social media and on the show a million times because if anyone out there listening needs help. Because the main reason why people stay in abusive relationships a lot of times is the, The. The financial part of it, right? Like, I'm gonna spoil myself and I. But this is a. This is true. And it always works, right? There's a bunch of steps to this, but the most important one in a nutshell, you, whatever you're going through, suffering private. I, I used to make this horrible mistake when I started. Like, I would go out there and I would tell everybody, like, o, I am so broke my hun. Most people will smell the blood and they will take advantage of you again and again and again. So the game changer for me was when I got so tired of falling in the wrong hands. Because again, it wasn't overnight. Right? Remember, my husband died. I'm broke mentally. I'm an abused woman. I was called a useless piece of forever. So I'm going out there and I started meeting men, people and like, and telling them what was going on with me. And of course they pounced. So I fell in the hands of another narcissist of another. So I kept falling in the wrong hands over and over and getting burned and burned and burned. Finally, I'm like, you know what? This is what I'm gonna do. Cry in public, in private cross cry, cry. Do. Do your pity Party, but then take a shower, wash your face. And I'm saying this literally. Wow. Put your best outfit on, like your favorite freaking outfit, your heels, and you go out into the world like you already made it. Don't tell people what you're going through, because once you look amazing and fabulous and the better care you. You take of yourself and you put a huge smile on your face, Doors start opening because nobody wants to do business with somebody crying or a loser or somebody who doesn't have any money. That's how I slowly started rebuilding and finding new opportunities. Because I was literally suffering in private, counting the pennies in my bank account. But I was out there walking around Beverly Hills asking people for jobs and opportunity and everything, looking like a million bucks business owner. Like, I had my shit together. My, my Louboutins. Like any worked. It worked, you know? You are amazing.

[Host]

You are amazing. You are amazing.

[Kat]

Look, we are like I always say we are. We are way stronger than we give ourselves courage, credit for, you know?

[Host]

But what you just said, what you just said is so powerful and it takes so. Well, it takes what it takes.

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Host]

And. And, and I. And I know what you're talking about. I used because I was. I wanted someone to rescue me. Until I learned to rescue myself.

[Kat]

Yes.

[Host]

And be my own mom and my own bestie first. Then I started to. And that. And I. And the truth is that took years. I kept. I. And I was like, why do I keep getting. First it was guy narcissist, then it was girlfriends.

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Host]

And I was like, why am I showing them my authenticity, my vulnerability, and then they abandoned me.

[Kat]

Yeah. Because it's very sad. Right? But it is human nature. We cannot change human nature. Most people, People smell blood, they smell a weakness and they take advantage of that. Very few people are actually. If you tell everyone, I'm broke, I'm lost, I don't have any money, I don't have a job. Very few people that don't even know you are going to extend a hand. They're going to either not want to be with you at all, like, oh, this girl is such a loser, or they're going to see, how can I take advantage of this person? It's very sad, but I always say it's just the way the game of life. Right. You cannot disqualify yourself. It's the game of life. So if you keep these things in private, especially in. Because the tendencies in tough times, of course we want to hide under the blankets and cry. Right. We just want to stay there yeah. And this is what I always say. And I. I even post on this. Facebook groups, women dealing with narcissists on the toughest, toughest, toughest days are the days that you cannot do that. Those are the days that you gotta pull yourself together and go out there, because that's what's going to build up your resilience and your strength. You cannot stay home crying, like you said. You cannot sit there. Oh, I hope somebody comes and rescues me and takes all my problems away, because it's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen.

[Host]

But you.

[Kat]

Oh, wow.

[Host]

How I love this conversation.

[Kat]

Same.

[Host]

We rescue ourselves.

[Kat]

Yes.

[Host]

And then we build the resilience, and then we show only that side to the world, because the world is. They're takers, manipulators. And it's not even just that. I think I like what you said better. Human nature. They see you wounded and they don't want to work with you. It's a narcissistic world. Right.

[Kat]

Right.

[Host]

It is. Because.

[Kat]

And even, like I always say that. That this is another method that I use, and I've had a lot of experts on my show.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Kat]

That think I'm crazy. I don't care, because it works for me. And I know it works for. I coach women entrepreneurs worldwide. And I always say that when we are broke. Like, I was literally. I was completely broke. I didn't even have a resume, although I have college degrees, Remember? I didn't work for 15. 15 years. Right. So if you go out there and you ask people for a job, whatever. Like, I am broke. I'm so alone. I don't have money in the bank. They're not gonna give you a chance. They're like, I don't want to deal with you. What they think either you're a drug addict or it's your fault, or you're, you know, they. They don't believe what you're telling them. They think it's your fault that your life is such a mess. Yes. Right.

[Host]

Yes, they. You're right.

[Kat]

They're not gonna feel sorry for you then. Oh, poor little Catherine. Okay, come here. You know, let me pay you $150,000 a year. That's not how the world works. So you need to show up. I always use this phrase, like you are already rich, and I'm not talking about the bank account. You have to be rich in everything else you have. Like, rich in the way you look, rich in your smiles, rich in your energy. You have to be rich in everything else that you can possibly Think of. Because that's how people are going to look at you and give you opportunities. Yeah.

[Host]

They want someone that's whole. Not someone.

[Kat]

Yes.

[Host]

I mean, lacking in one way or another.

[Kat]

Exactly.

[Host]

Someone that's whole.

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Host]

But. But being hot, mess all day or whenever. At home, eat the cake, cry on the floor like a child. Like a baby.

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Host]

Like in fetal position. Which I have, because.

[Kat]

Oh, my God. Yeah. Look, crying is fine. I'm not saying we are far from perfect. Right. I mean, we. Of course we have feelings. It's very painful. I don't even know how many times I've cried. Obviously, I was mourning the two closest people to me. My mom died. My husband died a year late. My mom killed herself. My mom was an alcoholic. Yeah. Remember I told you the beginning? My mom was an alcoholic. She killed herself one year before my husband died. So I was going through hell. Through hell. Of course I was crying and. But I remember, like, it was yesterday, the day my best friend of 30 years blocked me. It was a few days before Thanksgiving and I was standing on the street, staying in this tiny Airbnb, wondering, you know, how am I going to survive? And I went back into the Airbnb and I cried for hours. I just cried and cried and cried. But then, remember the rule. Wash your face, put on your best makeup or whatever. Each woman has something, right? What makes you feel amazing, like every woman has something, right? I don't know. For some women, it's makeup. For some women, it's an outfit. For some women, it's heels. Just put something on that makes you feel amazing. Amazing. And go out there again, you know? Oh, my God, I love this.

[Host]

I love where this is going. I love this.

[Kat]

Because it's the truth.

[Host]

No one talked about.

[Kat]

Yes. I think it is the truth that very few people. Because that's one thing, too, right. A lot of people don't want anybody to know about their pain. A lot of people go out in the world like, oh, my life is perfect. In my case, when I started my show five and a half years ago, I decided I was going to be 1 million percent honest and raw and truthful. Because I think when we put our truth out there, and I know you did the same on yours because you talk a lot about your horrible things that you went through. I think when we are very truthful with our audience, we take our power back by speaking up, but hopefully we give someone else the power to say, like, wow, you know, if this chick went through all of these things and now she's Living the life of her dreams. I can do it too. Yes.

[Host]

And that's. We, we give it and then we get it back. It's this mad beautiful thing. It's this magical beautiful thing. So this is so. So you were walking in the streets of Beverly Hills.

[Kat]

Yes.

[Host]

Looking at your picture behind you, especially the one. I mean I love them all, like in that black dress and the one, the one that's. You were walking around going, yes. What were you saying? You're pulling people off the street. Tell us.

[Kat]

I'm pulling people off the street. But you know, even if you work from home. Right. A lot of women say I work from. So I understand. You don't have to live in Beverly Hills, whatever you live. Right. Any city in the world. Figure out what are the nicest places, places in your town where successful people are.

[Host]

Yes.

[Kat]

And this is what I call the upgrade method. Because a lot of people when they're broke, they're like, oh, let's go eat a McDonald's, let's go to Chuck E. Cheese, let's go to Olive Garden. You're not going to find anybody in these places that are going to give you a chance. You need to do the opposite, the upgrade. Like find the nicest five star hotel, sit at a bar, buy a coffee there, buy a nice tea, bring your computer, walk around the high end businesses in your area. And I don't know what your skill is. In my case, I'm really good doing social media, branding, marketing, pr. So I started walking down the street and going inside the business is like, oh my God, I saw your Instagram. I'm really good at it. Do you need a, an Instagram social media manager? Can I help you? You know, I just started offering my services and again I would go to events. There are a lot of events that are free. For example, every chamber of commerce, right. Has women. Yeah. So I will go to events. And again, one little door opens another and another. And if you do a great job, if you look amazing, if you're grateful, if you smile, people start liking you and they recommend you. And it's word of mouth, but you got to put yourself out there. But remember the key. He is. Oh my. Sorry. My dog came here. They woke up from the nap right here. Yeah. The key is remember, upgrade. If you're miserable, don't go put yourself like in the shittiest areas in the suburb. Eat junk. Because nobody in these places is going to make your life better. You want to be. I do that to this day. I always go to be in places where people are way richer than me, more successful than me, happier than me. You know, I want to learn from them.

[Host]

Yes.

[Kat]

That's key. That's really, really key when you want to rebuild. You're so right.

[Host]

And it's. I. Same with me. That's why we moved back to Orange County. But. But because we lived in Arizona, I was like, I can't. I can't do rodeo. I like leather, snake print gold, you know, But. But it's so true. We get inspired. We. We transform in the presence of others and. And their exuberance and their success and so on leaving. That's the thing about. And that's the thing. I was thinking about even doing some posts on social media about we're done

[Kat]

talking about the narc.

[Host]

We're done. Like, like, we're done. If you've let. Okay. Not if you're still in it, but if you have left, it's time to stop calling your girlfriends and talking about what he did. Didn't do.

[Kat]

Even left.

[Host]

It's been a year, two years. We're done.

[Kat]

What are you gonna.

[Host]

Because you're still giving them the power.

[Kat]

Yes. I love that.

[Host]

Right? You're still. They're still in your life if you're still ruminating and thinking and addicted to hate and anger. Yes.

[Kat]

And it's so important that you said that because taking the power back involves a lot of things as we've been talking. And one of the things is exactly what you just said. Stop talking about the person. Shift the energy back to you. Like you said, you date yourself. I think every woman on the planet should do that. That's a fantastic idea. Like buy yourself flowers, buy yourself a makeup or make yourself your favorite meal, whatever it is. But you stop giving that person power over you spend. Especially after you left. I completely agree with you. Like, it's done, it's over. Now you gotta shift that energy into you and your projects and your goals and your future.

[Host]

Yeah, exactly. And be stronger after. I mean, we're not saying, by the way, to our audience, don't cry and puke. Purge them out of your system. But do that. But then after that, don't go and re. Traumatize yourself. Yes. Keep talking about what they did. I. I can't believe. You know, and some girlfriends will bond with you just on hate. Bond with you on just anger. I don't want that kind of girlfriend.

[Kat]

No, me neither. Yeah.

[Host]

What are you wearing? Look at that picture. I think I'm gonna. Maybe that dress would look good on me. You Know, connect with healthy energy, exuberance, excitement.

[Kat]

Yes, it's life.

[Host]

We don't know how long we're on here, so tell us, Cat. You. So you all by yourself, you did this all by yourself?

[Kat]

Yes.

[Host]

Literally.

[Kat]

Literally. I wish. And by the way, I wish you. I wish I could say was different of. I wish I could say I had a support system. This person helped me. That person helped me. However, in my case, unfortunately, I didn't. If someone out there has a support system, fantastic. But don't wait for a support system to build the life of your dreams. We have to be our biggest fans. You have to be your biggest supporter. If you have a mom, if you have a sister, if you have someone that supports you, yeah, that's fantastic. But in case you don't, it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, it falls on us. Right? At the end of the day, whatever your dream is, whatever you want to accomplish in your life, you are the only one that lives with yourself. So you have to believe in yourself even when nobody else does. So for me, I was like, you know what? I love life. I don't want to end up like my mom. I don't want to end up like my husband.

[Host]

I don't want to.

[Kat]

You know, so I'm. I decided I was. It was sink or swim. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna swim. I don't know how this is gonna be, but I'm just gonna go for it, you know? So, yeah, you just gotta believe in yourself. You have to believe in yourself. You have to. I don't care how many times you look in the mirror and repeat it. I'm not sure which mantra works, but you have to believe in yourself.

[Host]

Yeah. And then when you do, watch out.

[Kat]

Exactly. Watch out, watch out. Because people start believing, right? If you show up in a room with authority, whatever it is that you do, if you say, hi, I. I help women get over narcissistic abuse. And I. Whatever it is that you do, when you show up in a room with authority, people start listening to you. So don't show up in a room like a victim, though. Even if you are, it doesn't matter. The world doesn't care. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Right.

[Host]

You will push. You will sabotage opportunities. Showing up as a victim.

[Kat]

Yeah. And also, that's another thing. I don't know if you agree with me or not, because I'm not an expert, but I think a big part of taking our power back is deciding we are not a victim. So Because a lot of women that have been abused, they say I'm a victim of.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Kat]

Use. I'm a victim of a narcissist. Even you. You told the story on your show that you actually been physically hurt. You were. He broke the bottle of beer on your face.

[Host]

Oh, you did your homework.

[Kat]

Of course. Yeah. Yes, I've had instances. Yes, I was physically abused as well. But if you. I don't use this. This. This word in my life. Victim. Because I don't think I'm a victim. I don't want to be a victim. Victim. And I think that's very empowering as well. Yeah.

[Host]

I feel the energy. I feel the strength coming off of you into me. And that is beautiful.

[Kat]

Right?

[Host]

Exactly. I'm not a victim. I'm not. And. And I'm not. And in fact, I'm more interested in who I've become because of that. Like, because of the Phoenix Rising. I'm more interested. And because also, it doesn't serve us or the world to keep. To keep connecting to that. Like, I will share. I had a beer bottle broken in my face at 30 years old, and everybody ran from me, just like you.

[Kat]

Yeah. But isn't that interesting? Because many times, and it's sad when we are, in my case, saying I was being abused for 15 years, but because my husband was so successful and so rich, the few times I try to tell people what was going on, either they didn't believe me or they dismissed it. Even my mom, they would be like, oh, whatever. You know, don't rock the boat. Don't do. Yeah. Because they. People blame us. Like you said, you got a beer smashed in your face, and people are thinking somehow, oh, it's her fault. It's her fault. No matter what happens, many times people point the finger at the woman. So we feel, at least in my case, I don't know if you feel the same. We feel a lot of shame about it. It took me years to learn how to speak up without shame.

[Host]

Oh, my God, you're so right. The police, the hospital, my parents, they were, like, looking at me. How did I make their life worse with this issue?

[Kat]

Right. Yeah. How did you let this happen to you? Like. Like it's your fault.

[Host]

Like it's your fault. And it was like, I have no one. No. And. And they want to manage the reactivity of your abuse. They see you as crazy. They won't listen to you.

[Kat]

Oh, yeah.

[Host]

Panicking and from. From a situation that most people should be panicking from and reacting from, but they look at your reactivity, like you're crazy.

[Kat]

Oh, absolutely. And you start feeling, I, I remember I used to question myself. Is this okay, is this okay to be called all these names that he does? Is it okay that he kicks me with a steel tall boot? I don't know if you guys know what a steel toe boot is.

[Host]

Yes.

[Kat]

People that hike in the mountains and fish, they have these boots and they have this massive steel toe to protect them in the wood. He has to literally kick me with that boot at one time, almost broke my leg because, you know, the kick is so strong, you know, but at the time I was like, I, I was questioning me, did I do something to deserve this? Is it my fault? You know, So I want to say to anybody, if anybody out there is listening us, if you are going through abuse, it's never ever, ever, ever, ever your fault. Ever. Even if you curse, if you burn the dinner, you, if you get, it's never ever your fault. And the sooner you get out, the sooner you start rebuilding.

[Host]

Right? And yes. And I want to. And you're right. I want to add to Kat. What Kat just said is it's not your fault, but damn it, it's your responsibility to pull yourself out.

[Kat]

Yeah. I love that you said that. Thank you. Because I did not feel it was. I, I felt so guilty leaving for so long like so many women. But you are right. Our well being is our responsibility. You are so right.

[Host]

It's not our fault, but it's our responsibility.

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Host]

100, 100, 100. Cat. So what does the day look like for you? What does an average day look like for you?

[Kat]

Oh, my God. My life is crazy. But I love it because I'm in such a great nowadays, right? I'm in such a fabulous place. The show became this massive show. We are one of the top dating, relationships and empowerment shows in the USA charts. So I start around 5am because I have dogs and I love waking up really early with my dogs. We are super active. I think that's a huge part of a mental wellness. Yeah, it really helped me. It really helped me.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Kat]

I rescued the dog when all this crap was going down and he rescued me. Because we're out the door, we move and then I start my, my work. You know, any given day, we, we record episodes, we record ads, we, we do tons and tons of social media. I coach women worldwide. I do, I have clients worldwide on empowerment, how to build a business, how to be a successful entrepreneur, how to make money on your social media, how you can start over from scratch. So I'm always crazy busy with that. So there's a lot of going on. I decided when I lost everything that I was going to pursue all my passions. I'm like, you know, right. If I'm broke, I might as well do everything that I love that I wasn't allowed to do during my marriage. So I think that's a really good starting point for anyone out there. If you're trying to start your life over, just pursue what you love and you will very likely find a lot of success if you're doing something you love.

[Host]

Oh, so that's so good. It's so true.

[Kat]

Don't. Yeah.

[Host]

You're an abusive relationship and abandoned and betrayed by toxic girlfriends and lover and whoever. Don't. Don't be. Or do something that you think they would approve. Do something.

[Kat]

Love. Yes, yes. And listen, we are so close to each other. Next time I invite you, come over to Beverly Hills and we'll do an. We'll do a follow up episode here in the studio. I would love to because I want to talk more about your story and because I have to say it's. I know how hard it is to talk about things we went through and I was very touched. When you talk about your drug abuse, everything you went through as a child, because it's very hard to speak up. But at the same time it's so beautiful because I know a lot of women out there can relate and hopefully get inspired by our stories and know that they can also start over and find peace and happiness.

[Host]

Absolutely they can. I mean, yeah. Having high trauma background, I use it as my superpower now. I didn't go insane. I'm not in prison for murdering my abuser and I didn't end up, you know, I'm sober 24 years. So.

[Kat]

Congratulations. That's 24 years. Congratulations. That's incredible. Thank you.

[Host]

I've been sober since I was 30 and I'm 54 now. So, you know, it's, it's a good life and it's my superpower. I love being sober. I love not drinking. But we.

[Kat]

Absolutely, yeah, same.

[Host]

You're sober too?

[Kat]

I'm 99.9. Every once in a blue moon. Like if it's a fabulous meal in Paris because I'm half French, I might have that glass of wine with that meal. But it's getting more and more rare because I it nowadays, it doesn't suit my lifestyle. And you know, like I said, my mom was an alcoholic. I ended up marrying an alcoholic. I didn't understand the seriousness of being an alcoholic. So I don't want that around my life. I don't even want to date anybody who's a heavy drinker. To me, that's a major deal breaker. I don't want to be around the heavy drinker.

[Host]

Oh, for sure. I mean, it's already making me uncomfortable that you don't trust who you are and you have to medicate.

[Kat]

Yeah, exactly. So same. I don't want that at all.

[Host]

Girlfriends, anybody? Anybody? I, I, I don't. Or smoking, because.

[Kat]

Oh, yeah. No, I. Nowadays, it's. For me, it's like water, tea, Long walks. Long walks.

[Host]

Dogs.

[Kat]

Like that. My dogs are getting. My dogs are so funny. They take a nap while I'm working, and then they get restless. It's almost like they know the clock. See there, Look. He's right here. If you guys are watching the video episode, he's, like, licking me, like, let's go. Let's go.

[Host]

A minor sleeping right by me.

[Kat]

Oh, my God. Thank you for doing this. And so let's say this is part one and of this episode, and we're gonna do part two soon. Deal.

[Host]

I love it. Yes. We're only an hour away from each other.

[Kat]

Yeah. So let's. And off camera. And guys, if you're going through something similar that the two of us have been through, get out. Get out. Get help. Send a message. We will guide you in any way we can because we are proof that we are proof that you can build a new life.

[Host]

Absolutely you can. And nothing is more delicious, empowering, energetic. When you don't go after revenge or hate, Instead, you build yourself.

[Kat]

Amen.

[Host]

Beautiful.

[Kat]

Yes. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Kat. I'll talk to you again very soon. Guys, be safe out there, okay?

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