Loading summary
Transcript290 lines
- [00:01]
A
Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.
- [00:03]
B
Zoe, this thing weighs a ton. Drew Ski, lift with your legs, man.
- [00:06]
A
Santa.
- [00:07]
C
Santa, did you get my letter?
- [00:08]
B
He's talking to you britches. I'm not.
- [00:10]
A
Of course he did.
- [00:12]
B
Right, Santa, you know my elf Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list. And elf, I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T mobile. You can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies.
- [00:24]
A
Right?
- [00:24]
B
Mrs. Claus?
- [00:26]
A
Hi, Mrs. Claude Claus, much younger sister. And AT T Mobile, there's no trade in needed when you switch. So you can keep your old phone.
- [00:32]
B
Or give it as a gift.
- [00:33]
A
And the best part, you can make the switch to T mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.
- [00:37]
B
Nice. My side of the tree is slipping. Kimber, the holidays are better. AT T Mobile switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. And now T mobile is available in U.S. cellular stores with sweet monthly bill credits for well qualified customers plus tax and $35 vice connection charge credits and imbalance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel financing agreement. 256 gigs, $830 eligible for it in a new line, $100 plus a month plan with auto fees required. Check out 15 minutes or less per line. Visit t mobile.com quick Choose a meal deal with McValue, the $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal. Each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary not by offer.
- [01:16]
C
McDelivery my guest today, Kayla Yu has been an actress, an import model, the lead singer of rock band Nylon Pink, a travel journalist and now she put out a super powerful book called Fetished A Reckoning with Yell Favor, feminism and Beauty. I hope you guys enjoy this super important conversation with Kayla. Among other things about how people have a tendency of stereotype women and putting us in boxes. If you guys are anything like me and most people, you love a great night's sleep. So I invite you to check out sleeping dove.com sleeping dove is a revolutionary luxury comforter with patent pending windows. No gadgets, no tech, no wires, nothing crazy like that. Because who wants that around our bed, right? We just want to sleep in peace. Everything is 100 organic with insanely luxurious materials. Basically, if you're feeling too hot, you open your window and if you're feeling too cold, you close your window. So no more sleeping divorce. No more arguing about the bad temperature at night. Everybody can sleep peaceful at the desired temperature with the fabulous Sleeping Dove. Check it out on sleepingdove.com and on Instagram, you guys can see tons of fabulous videos. Sleeping Dove home. Kyla, welcome to Cat on the Loose.
- [02:36]
A
Thanks so much for having me.
- [02:38]
C
I am so happy that you're here because as I was saying, I was reading your book, and what a powerful, raw, and real read. So, first of all, congratulations.
- [02:46]
A
Thank you so much for reading it.
- [02:47]
C
Yes, no, I read it, and here's proof. I took a lot of notes, but you are very raw and you really open up. And I know how tough that is, because as women, before we talk about your specific subject, Fetished. I love the name. We get so judged, right, by everything we do. So I can only imagine what it took for you to put everything out there.
- [03:11]
A
Yeah, I think it's because I've been sober 11 years, and then in that community, we're very open and honest about, like, the worst things that have happened to us. So I've spent years just, like, talking about these things to people who've done the same or worse.
- [03:27]
C
So it's a big part of healing, right?
- [03:28]
A
Yes. It's like, I believe in, like, taking your secrets and just saying them because it takes the power away.
- [03:34]
C
Same. That's kind of like what has been happening with me doing the podcast. I get messages, people say, oh, my God, you're so open. You talk about. I'm like, yes, because it's been so healing to me. And we learn so much as we.
- [03:45]
A
Go, and it's healing for other people to hear someone talking about it.
- [03:49]
C
Absolutely. So, so many things I want to cover. Like, as you can see, I took, like, a million notes because the subject is so rich. Let's try to pack it in as much as we can. Name of the book, Very Powerful Fetished A Reckoning with Yellow Fever, Feminism and Beauty. How'd you come up with the name? What was your first thought?
- [04:08]
A
Well, it's funny because my original title was Yellow Fever Hustler. And then my editor was telling people about the book, and they were like, yellow fever. Like malaria.
- [04:21]
C
I know.
- [04:22]
A
So we were like, okay, we need to change that, because not everybody knows what it means. And she came up with a title, Fetishized.
- [04:29]
C
So I love it.
- [04:29]
A
And then once I heard it, I was like, okay, just that one word. It's not a common word, so it really catches your attention.
- [04:35]
C
It does. And it's very powerful. But since you mentioned yellow fever and you talk about it in the book, for people that are listening to us and they don't understand what it is, can you give them like a simple explanation? Yeah.
- [04:46]
A
So somebody with the Asian fetish is like a man, usually non Asian, who really treats Asian women as like objects and disposable, expects them to be submissive and very hypersexual. And then I get in trouble a lot. Like I just posted a video about the Asian fetish and all these guys got mad at me like, how dare you? But I'm like, I didn't say a preference. Means you have a fetish. Just because you're married to an Asian woman doesn't mean you have a fetish. It's like this specific. Do you treat women as lower than you?
- [05:22]
C
Yeah.
- [05:22]
A
No.
- [05:23]
C
And listen, I, I was looking at your videos on social media and this is what I say because of course I get a lot of backlash as well. If somebody doesn't agree, they have two choice. They can go and read your book and educate themselves or, you know, trolls will be trolls. And I think you just gotta do your thing at the end of the day. But. So let's start because there's so much. Guys, I never thought I would say this, but this Black Friday. Instead of buying more stuff I don't need, I decided to invest in my sex life instead. We all know Black Friday is about deal. But what would you rather do? Spend hundreds of dollars in stuff you don't need or 69 bucks on improving your sex life? Yes. @beducated.com Real Talk no one ever really teaches us how to be amazing in bed. We're just supposed to figure it out somehow, right? Well, that's exactly what I thought until I found Educated. I started exploring their courses because I wanted to understand not just pleasure, but connection. And it completely changed how I see intimacy. I learned simple, real techniques that make you more confident, more in tune with your partner, and honestly, more empowered in your own body. Beducated is a safe space for all. And that's my favorite part. No matter relationship status, sexual orientation or gender. So if you're ready to level up your love and sex life solo or with a partner, go to beducate me cat 69. That's my code. Cat K a T69 to get 65 off the yearly pass. That's their biggest discount of the year and it's completely risk free. 14 day money back guaranteed. So go to beducate me cat 69 and give yourself a gift that will last. You literally opened a book with this word which is very powerful as well as well. Asia. Asia file. Asia file. The term applies to a non Asian person, particularly, like you're saying white man who has yellow fever, which you just explained what it is. Think they think all Asian chicks are hot. Usually can tell the difference between. Cannot tell the difference between a homely and a cute one, just as long she's Asian. And you were very clear. Now you're not talking about. Because I have friends as well. They're married to Asian girls and whatever it's preference. Right. We are attracted to whatever we are attracted to. But you're talking to that specific guy that looks at Asian girls as.
- [07:45]
A
As like objects for them to use, like tissues, basically.
- [07:51]
C
And do you think. I mean, I would guess that's a lot. Because of the stereotype they have with the Asian culture.
- [07:58]
A
Well, it's because, like, when Western. When Westerners first encountered Asian women, it was usually through military colonialism. So in those situations, they usually met prostitutes and they never met any regular Asian women. So then it was their first time meeting Asian women. They just associated that with all Asian women, which is, like. Seems simplistic, but it is what happened.
- [08:23]
C
So, yeah, that's the problem with stereotypes. Right. I give you an example in my case. That's why I think I related so much, much with you and the book. You're Asian. I'm Latin. And I know I don't look Latin because my dad was French, but I was born in Brazil. I still have the accent, although I've been here pretty much my entire life. And the. The stereotype that everybody has with Latin women, especially Brazilians, is they immediately associate the culture with sex.
- [08:49]
A
Oh, I didn't know that.
- [08:50]
C
Oh, my God. Yeah, they think, like, all the. The beaches in Brazil are nude. They. So many guys that I would potentially date, they're like, where are you from? Brazil. Oh, wow. Braz chicks are so hot. They immediately think they're gonna take me out on the first date and bang me. It's just like a stereotype, and it's so annoying. Yeah, it's annoying because as women, we want to be obviously respected as individuals, but it's annoying that these men have this preconceived. Preconceived ideas in their head. And I felt as I was reading your book, it's kind of the same for Asian girls with a lot of men.
- [09:27]
A
Yes. Yeah, definitely. Like, sometimes you'll just be out there dating and a guy will be like, I love Asian women. And then you're like, well, I want to feel that you like me as an individual, not just because. Yeah.
- [09:39]
C
Or do you just want to meet an Asian girl?
- [09:42]
A
Yeah, any Asian girl.
- [09:44]
C
It's like, with blondes, I know it's not a culture, but maybe you get that a lot. Like, I've met guys, like, I want to date a blonde.
- [09:51]
A
Yeah, that's. But you know what the difference is? Like, they don't expect a specific behavior for a blonde. Maybe more fun, but it's not necessarily more sexually. I don't.
- [10:04]
C
Or maybe in a way, you know, like, because of Marilyn Monroe and all that stuff, we also get stereotyped, like how blondes are ditzy. They're kind of like bombshells. They like more sex. They're more fun than brunettes. You know, it's just. It's just another stereotype. But it is annoying to me when I get it. So I can only imagine. And you talk a lot about your experiences, and I want to dive into the deeper ones. But before, I want to mention, something has nothing to do with your book. But as I was reading your book, I remembered it just happened to me, like, about a month ago. I live in Beverly Hills in the Flats, and one day I was walking my dog. Daylight. Like today, for example, the middle of the day on a Saturday. I was walking my dog with my friend, and there was an Asian girl, brunette. She was doing a photo shoot on my street because it has pretty trees, like, in the middle of the day with a professional photographer. And she had this ropes around her. So, like, she got a. For. For. For balls.
- [11:05]
A
Okay.
- [11:05]
C
She had these massive bondage ropes. Like, she was all tied up.
- [11:10]
A
Oh, my God.
- [11:10]
C
And the guy was. I'm not kidding you. And the guy was shooting her in the middle of the street.
- [11:16]
A
Hills. Beverly Hill.
- [11:17]
C
I swear to God. I have the videos on my phone. I. And so my. My friend and I, we were so curious. So I stop, and I'm like, what are you guys doing? And she's like, oh, this. These videos that I do of, like, Asian bondage get millions of views on TikTok.
- [11:33]
A
Oh, my God.
- [11:34]
C
Did you ever hear of that?
- [11:36]
A
No. But now I'm curious. I'm gonna look that up. I could see why it would get millions of views.
- [11:41]
C
I know. So she was literally doing that and apparent. But I mean, the reason I ask is because as you're talking about fetish and everything, it reminded me, like, apparently.
- [11:48]
A
There'S a big bondage Japanese market. Yeah.
- [11:53]
C
So they associate that with the culture and, I mean, no shame in her game. She's making her money, but she's like, oh, my God, I make so much money off of these videos. Not even having contact with men, just posting them online. Wow.
- [12:06]
A
Now I'm so curious.
- [12:07]
C
And I'm pretty crazy, right?
- [12:08]
A
But, yes, that is like, a kind. I don't know that much about that style of Japanese bondage, but it has some, like, connection to sado masochism, I think, and a little bit of torture, I think. I don't know. Yeah.
- [12:23]
C
But that was a little crazy to me. But I want to talk about your journey, because as we were saying, you're insanely open in your book. And I want to dive right in the story of your photo shoot that you got sexually attacked. And I love the way you told the story. And you can tell us better than me, of course, because you're like, you were there and you literally didn't know what to do.
- [12:45]
A
Yeah. And I want to stress for other women, like, it wasn't attack. Like, he had a knife and yelled at me. I was just, like, frozen. Like, why am I in?
- [12:56]
C
You know, like, it's still an attack.
- [12:57]
A
Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. You know, because, like, not all men can under. They're like, well, you didn't, like, scream and say no. Right.
- [13:05]
C
You know, so tell us, like, bring us back. For people that. My audience, they probably haven't seen the book yet because it's literally just out now. Can you bring me to that day? I'm sure it's really painful to you, but since you already wrote about it, can you help us, like, dive in in terms of what happened to you?
- [13:22]
A
Yeah. I mean, just a simplified version of it is that I was trying to be a pinup model, because I saw, growing up, this really beautiful Asian pinup model, and there were no other Asian role models. So I was like, I want to be like her. And I followed her for years, and I wanted to do Playboy, and I went to this guy at his office. Well, first of all, I found the ad in the school newspaper.
- [13:48]
C
So you were very young.
- [13:49]
A
Yeah, I was, like, 19.
- [13:51]
C
Wow.
- [13:51]
A
And then I found the ad in the newspaper. So you would assume that. Okay.
- [13:57]
C
Yeah.
- [13:57]
A
And then I went to meet him downtown San Diego somewhere at an office, and he showed me all these beautiful calendars, and he's like, I produce these. Come over for a test shoot and I'll submit you. Like, let's do that. And then the day I showed up, it was not. It was at his apartment. And then Once I got in, like, I was 19, he was like middle aged. Wow. And I just, I can't even really tell you what happened because I'm so disassociated with it. Like later, the video from that session published and I watched it and I'm like, I don't even remember so much of this situation. All I know was I was a virgin. So it of is kind. No way I would want this disgusting guy to. My first. I was in a relationship with a boyfriend.
- [14:54]
C
And you thought, just to explain it, you thought you were showing up for a photo shoot session and it happens to millions of women out there.
- [15:04]
A
Yeah.
- [15:04]
C
You think? And especially here in Hollywood. Right. So I think this is such an important conversation and if you girls are listening out there and if you're young and you think about modeling, like, watch out. Right.
- [15:13]
A
I say always bring a friend.
- [15:14]
C
Yes. Always bring and do your due diligence. Right. But basically you're there, you're thinking, I'm gonna get this fabulous photo. He starts talking to you about doing porn?
- [15:22]
A
No, he didn't even start talking. He just started slowly doing more and more. And then I was like, what the.
- [15:29]
C
You were afraid?
- [15:29]
A
Yeah, yeah. Nobody knew where. Where I was. I didn't tell anybody where I was. And yeah, I just had never been in such a situation before and I didn't know how to get out of there. I didn't know. Yeah, I didn't know.
- [15:43]
C
You were probably thinking, like, he's going to hurt me or something. So you guys had sex?
- [15:48]
A
No, no, we.
- [15:49]
C
Whatever he did.
- [15:50]
A
Yeah, we did other things besides sex.
- [15:52]
C
Yeah.
- [15:53]
A
Because the thing was, here's where it was weird because then I was like. I told him I was a virgin and never given a blowjob. So he didn't. He backed off on those things. So it was weird because I felt like, intimidated and scared, but yet he wasn't like forcefully aggressive. So it was a very confusing situation. Yeah.
- [16:16]
C
But he did a video of you.
- [16:17]
A
Yes. Yeah.
- [16:18]
C
And then he published the video.
- [16:20]
A
Yes.
- [16:20]
C
And how was. How'd you feel once the video came out?
- [16:23]
A
Well, it's crazy because, like, I so disassociated from that situation. Like after that assault happened. Yeah, I just did. I didn't tell my boyfriend. I didn't tell anyone in the entire world. And I just forgot about it. Like, I didn't forget about it, but I like made myself forget about it. But if you were to use common sense, you would say, this video is going to be published. That's like his purpose. Right. So I think I forgot about it for like a year. And then my friend, my very good friend called me, and he was like, I saw you in this video.
- [17:01]
C
Wow.
- [17:01]
A
And then I knew from that moment, I was like, oh.
- [17:05]
C
And then you. You were like. You were thinking, I'm gonna be judged.
- [17:13]
A
I think the first thing I thought was this was assault. But I don't know how to explain that it is, because at that time, nobody would have understood. I think now after, me too, and we, like, understand coercion, and, like, now we know it's clearly that. But, like, back then, nobody would have understood.
- [17:31]
C
But I think even to this day, I agree there are certain movements, there are certain things that happen that make believable. But I do feel that even to this day, no matter what happens, like, there is always going to be that person that will be like, what do you mean? What do you mean you didn't want to do that?
- [17:50]
A
Like. And, like, why were you there?
- [17:52]
C
Yes. Like, if you say the word assault, they're like, assault. You didn't look like you're being assaulted in the. Somehow they always pin it on the woman.
- [18:01]
A
Always.
- [18:01]
C
Yeah, you know, like, obviously we have super crazy famous example in the world like that. I think it's a mistake that so many young women make. Like Kim Kardashian, when she did her sex video with a boyfriend. And once the video came out, if you think remember about it, nobody was saying, hey, what an asshole. How. How can you do. Everybody was like, talking about her. She's a whore. The video is out. How can they do it? So somehow I always feel that in the situation, it's always on the woman.
- [18:32]
A
Like, what I'm loving so much right now is Pamela Anderson's rebirth, because when her first sex tape came out, which it was, it was a personal video with her boyfriend that they made in love. Yeah. And, like, you should be allowed to do that with your husband. That was her husband. It got stolen from their house and they published it. And when she tried to file a lawsuit, they said, but you're naked on Playboy. Why. Why is this a problem? Which is like.
- [18:59]
C
Like, oh, you're naked on Playboy, which is a job.
- [19:02]
A
Yeah.
- [19:02]
C
I don't deserve any privacy.
- [19:04]
A
Exactly. Yeah.
- [19:05]
C
It's. It's just crazy.
- [19:07]
A
And it ruined her career. She was, like, on top of her career when that first. And then, wow, she's been gone for decades. And I love that we're coming back.
- [19:17]
C
Oh, yeah. Talk about, like, and now that she's in love with.
- [19:19]
A
With Leanne, that's like, Such a sweet love story.
- [19:23]
C
But back to yours. So you navigate. This happens to you when you're very young and you're dealing with all these stereotypes and you're navigating the entertainment industry because you're doing photo shoots. You're doing a lot of different jobs. Right. And you're also very raw about the drug use. You're coping with all of that. So you went through some really tough waters, just navigating the industry.
- [19:49]
A
Yeah. I think that, like, the drug use really happened after the assault. It happened to be, like, during that time, the rave culture was really, really big. And I just started with ecstasy, and then I got into K, and then I got into pills, and then I got into cocaine. But I think all of that was a coping mechanism because on the drugs, I felt good. I felt whole. I mean, until it wore off. But when you're high, you feel powerful, you feel like you're not damaged, you feel worthy. So I really needed that feeling because I didn't have it.
- [20:27]
C
You're numbing the pain.
- [20:28]
A
Yeah.
- [20:29]
C
And that went on for a really long time.
- [20:31]
A
For decades. Yeah.
- [20:32]
C
Oh, my God. That's absolutely crazy. And you also open up. That's another thing that I was like, wow, you decide to do eye surgery. Can you tell us about that?
- [20:43]
A
Yeah. It's actually a very common surgery amongst Asians because it's like something that a mom might have a girl do in Asia in, like, high school. Like, oh, let's look at her eyes. So, you know, there's this. So the surgery was invented by a white doctor who was stationed in South Korea, I believe, and it was to make the Asian woman prostitutes eyes more attractive to military.
- [21:09]
C
Oh, my God.
- [21:10]
A
Yeah. Not everybody knows that surgery. Right. But in general society, we all think bigger eyes is more attractive. It's just like animals, you know, Bigger eyes are more attractive. That's just the general belief out there in the world. And then Asians are from a very young age, racist people will make fun of their eyes or they'll, like, do this gesture, whatever. So I think we have this kind of insecurity. And then I just felt it would make me, you know, my face look more. It would just make me more beautiful. Really?
- [21:47]
C
Oh, my. But, well, looking back. Do you regret it?
- [21:51]
A
Here's the thing that's really complicated, because I wish I could be like, oh, I wish I never got any surgery. But we do live in a society where we are rewarded for our looks, right?
- [22:02]
C
Yes.
- [22:02]
A
Like, no matter how much we want to escape the patriarchy, we live in the patriarchy, for sure. And it feels good, you know, as a woman, to have a fresh coat of lipstick and, like, get your high heels on. I don't regret this surgery. Like, I. I was happy with that surgery. I got implants. I'm very happy with them, you know? But if I lived in a different society where we weren't celebrating these things and pressuring women to look a certain way, then we wouldn't all feel the need to cut ourselves up to look better.
- [22:35]
C
I just would hope. Because obviously, I think it's, like, an absurd idea, right, that, like, if you.
- [22:41]
A
Really think about it.
- [22:43]
C
Yeah. If you really think about it. Cause it's such a particular feature of Asian cultures. Right. So when I think about it, I think it's, like, adorable. I call you. You have, like, this eyes like that. It's so cute. Only they have it. So for me, when I read your book, I'm like, wow. I can't imagine, like, a woman thinking that she has to change one of the most precious and personal characteristics of her culture. So it was a little heartbreaking to me to read it because I cannot imagine, like, a young girl feeling that she needs to do that, you know, in order to fit in any universe, for that matter, you know?
- [23:20]
A
Well, it's crazy. It just came up recently. I just wrote this article for Teen Vogue. I don't know if you watched Love island, but there was a.
- [23:27]
C
Bits and pieces.
- [23:29]
A
So there was a Love island contestant who got kicked off the show for saying.
- [23:33]
C
Oh, yeah, I know that.
- [23:34]
A
Yes. So she.
- [23:35]
C
What did she say again?
- [23:36]
A
So she said the C word for Asians.
- [23:38]
C
Yeah, I remember.
- [23:39]
A
So basically she said.
- [23:41]
C
But she didn't know, she claimed. Right.
- [23:43]
A
It's possible she didn't know because I. After writing that article, so many people told me they didn't know. So I. I get that. But, like, she. But what she said was problematic because I'm not going to use the word. But she basically said, oh, my eyes are looking too Asian. I'm gonna get Botox to fix them. So what she was saying was.
- [24:04]
C
Yeah, but even without the word, the comment is, yeah, so unnecessary, to say the least. Right?
- [24:11]
A
Yeah, yeah. So it's basically she was saying, I need surgery to fit my eyes. So of course it's triggering to me. I've had surgery to fix that. You know, that is.
- [24:23]
C
Yeah. And you didn't have to fix it. Maybe you had the surgery because you wanted to feel better, but I don't want any Asian woman in the world to feel they have to fix anything. Because one of the things you talk so much about, the book and towards the end of the book that I loved, it's like. Like, we need to be accepted for all we are. And I think it's our job as communicators to keep breaking the stereotypes. I do that all the time. Like I said, being a Latin woman, and I get this. If I had a dollar for every time somebody tells me, you don't look Latin, you don't look Latin, you don't look Latin, you should color your hair brown. You should call your hair brown, because Latin girls have only brown hair. If I had a dollar each time somebody tells me that, I would be a gazillionaire by now. So I try to break the stereotypes because I think Latin women come in every size, color, shape, form, and I think, same with Asian girls. They come in so many different styles and types and shapes and forms, and I think we need to start, like, you know, cut it out. Like putting women in these boxes that you think they belong.
- [25:25]
A
Yes. I get that a lot, too. Like, with the blonde hair, they're like, oh, you want to be white? And then I'm like, well, what does it mean if I dye my hair silver? Does that mean I want to be old? Or what if I dye it blue? What does that mean?
- [25:38]
C
You have the right to dye your hair. Whichever color makes you happy and makes you look in the mirror, say, you know what? I love it as long as you love it.
- [25:47]
A
But it's always men say it's not women saying, well, unfortunately, I agree, but.
- [25:55]
C
Unfortunately, you do have those women, and it always breaks my heart that are not supportive of all the women, and they have something nasty to say. And I. That's like the biggest pet peeve in my life when I hear, especially podcasters, like, there's some super successful podcasters. They. I listen to their. Their episod starts trashing certain celebrities, certain women that they never met. And I'm like, why in the hell are you doing that? You know, like, it's hard enough being a woman in general because we get judged all the time. Right.
- [26:30]
A
Yes. Like, I felt like the Katy Perry backlash recently was so unnecessary.
- [26:35]
C
I agree.
- [26:36]
A
Yeah. It was crazy.
- [26:37]
C
Yeah.
- [26:37]
A
How hard they went at her for like, existing, you know, because she didn't do anything terrible.
- [26:43]
C
I know, I know. And I think. Well, I. I always mentioned, for example, Mag Megan Kelly. I think she's a. On wheels. She has one of the top pod. And I. I'm saying here on camera because I say it on social media. All the time. She has one of the top podcasts in the world and she like JLO is a.
- [27:01]
A
Wait, what?
- [27:02]
C
Yeah, like JLO is like a well glorified stripper because she dances so sexy and this. She's always trashing famous women that she never met in her life that are just doing their work. Like let JLO do their thing. Cuz she's fantastic what she does. And when hear her podcast, I'm like, you have this platform with millions of listeners and you are using it to criticize what other women are doing. Why in the world are you doing that? You know?
- [27:31]
A
Yeah, it's like unnecessary. But you know what it probably is getting her views from negative people. So like you sell your soul a little bit.
- [27:41]
C
Sell your social. The devil I know. You know my opinion on that? I'm going to tell you. I think people like that if you go, if you have put a hidden camera in their inner privacy, they're the most unhappy people in the world. Because I don't think happy people, happy women go out there hurting women.
- [27:57]
A
Yeah, just happy people in general aren't hurting people.
- [28:00]
C
Right.
- [28:00]
A
I totally.
- [28:01]
C
We support each other and we grow together. That's how I see it. But I want to ask you about another surgery that you did. I was like, holy cow. I would not have the courage to do that for like a hundred million dollars. You had, how do you call it? Like had your labia cut out.
- [28:19]
A
Yeah, I guess it's called a labiaplasty. Laby. I'm not sure.
- [28:23]
C
And you're so open about it. Why did you do that?
- [28:26]
A
I think that was really important because after that video came.
- [28:30]
C
Holidays are almost here. And if you still have names on your list, don't panic. Uncommon Goods makes holiday shopping stress free and joyful. With thousands of one of a kind gifts you can't find anywhere else, you'll discover presents that feel meaningful and personal. Never rushed or last minute. Uncommon Goods looks for products that are high quality, unique and often handmade or made in the usa. Many are crafted by independent artists and small businesses. So every gift feels special and thoughtfully chosen. I got an anti stress heart shaped pillow and I was so in love with it, I decided to get it for a bunch of my friends and family. And everybody adores it. The gifts are so, so unique. Uncommon Goods has something for everyone. From moms and dads to kids and teens, book lovers, sports fans to foodies, mixologists, gardeners, you'll find unforgettable gifts that are anything but ordinary. When you shop at Uncommon Goods. You're supporting artists and small independent businesses. How nice is that? Every purchase is a chance to choose something remarkable and feel good about where your money goes. And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a non profit partner of your ch choice. They have donated more than $3 million to date. And I absolutely love that about Uncommon Goods. So don't wait. Make this holiday the year you give something truly unforgettable. To get 15 off your next gift, go to UncommonGoods.com cat k a t. That's UncommonGoods.com cat for 15 off a gift. Gift. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods. We are all out of the ordinary.
- [30:23]
A
Came out. It like kind of causes body dysmorphia in me. And I had never looked at myself there before.
- [30:35]
C
You were not looking at your vagina.
- [30:37]
A
So why was I looking?
- [30:38]
C
And I think you got traumatized by the experience with the dude, which I'm gonna call it an assault. Because I think it was an assault.
- [30:44]
A
Yeah.
- [30:45]
C
And you, you were like.
- [30:46]
A
Like, that was my first sexual experience.
- [30:49]
C
Wow.
- [30:49]
A
So my boyfriend at the time tell you that because I was a virgin, I wasn't doing anything with my boyfriend that I was with for six months.
- [30:57]
C
Yeah.
- [30:57]
A
So why would I do it with this disgust? Yeah.
- [31:01]
C
And did you. You. You ended up telling a boyfriend.
- [31:05]
A
Well, years later he. But I didn't tell him about it. He found out about it because it was on and judged you. Yes, he did. Yeah.
- [31:12]
C
And that made me so mad. Yeah.
- [31:15]
A
He's a kind guy. Actually is a thing. But it's just like people can't wrap their head around it sometimes if it's not an aggressive assault.
- [31:26]
C
Well, this is when you. You tell the story. Like I forgot what question he asked you. Like, you know, what do you mean?
- [31:32]
A
Right.
- [31:32]
C
It was assault because you're there in the video. I would hope especially somebody that is so close to you as a boyfriend.
- [31:39]
A
Yeah.
- [31:39]
C
If you tell them something that all that matters is how you felt.
- [31:43]
A
Exactly.
- [31:44]
C
It's your truth.
- [31:45]
A
Yeah.
- [31:46]
C
Not what you see on camera. Not what you see out there. It. I would hope that that person cares about how you felt.
- [31:52]
A
Yeah. He should have said nothing.
- [31:54]
C
Exactly. Or say, come here, baby. Do you want to open up? Can I do anything to help you guys? You know, Hello. Right. If a woman opens up because it's so tough to go through that and be able to talk about it.
- [32:05]
A
But he didn't approach me to. I didn't reveal it to him. He was like, oh, I know you've done, like, this for money. Like, he's like, sexual act axed. And I was like, what are you talking. He's like, I know about this video out there. And I was like, it was not. Oh, my God, what you think? And then. Yeah, he just wasn't in the place to accept it.
- [32:25]
C
You deserve better. But let's tell me about the labiopolis.
- [32:30]
A
I think it's called labioplasty.
- [32:31]
C
Labioplasty.
- [32:32]
A
Yeah.
- [32:33]
C
So you. Yeah, you. You pro. You were having probably body dysmorphia issues.
- [32:37]
A
Yeah. So, I mean, here's the thing I get to. In the book, the thing with Asian women's vaginas, it's like a very trou. Like, it's. There's so much mythology about it. Like, growing up, like, boys would insult you by calling it slanted. Like, you know, back in history, people actually rumored and said that Asian women's vaginas were fundamentally different. They were slanted. And people really believed that at a time like this is probably, you know, hundreds of years, 100 years ago. But nowadays, men still say, oh, they're tight, they're tight, or whatever, which has never been proven to be true or whatever, but they still say that for whatever reason. So there's, like, some expectation of their. Your vagina to be, like, different in some way. And I just felt like. Like the first time. Well, it's interesting because in the video, you can't, like, technically see anything because I had not shaved, because I wasn't showing anyone anything or I didn't even know you were supposed to do that. You know, I was that young. And this was a different. This before everyone got, I guess, Brazilian wax. The Brazilian wax didn't exist. Exist back then.
- [34:00]
C
And by the way, I have no idea. I always say that. I don't know why it's called Brazilian wax. Because most Brazilian women do not wax everything.
- [34:06]
A
Oh, really?
- [34:08]
C
I know. I swear to God. Like, many, many, many years ago, when I. I heard the expression Brazilian wax, I was like, why is it called? Because, see, what. It's another stereotype. But if you look at Brazilian girls, they. They wax, but they always leave some hair because it's just the culture. You rarely meet a Brazilian girl that does a boy. So I have no idea where the name came from, by the way. Strange, right? Talking about stereotypes.
- [34:31]
A
Yeah. I guess for me, I associated just my female sexual parts, like attracting all this, like, negative attention from men.
- [34:44]
C
Oh, my God.
- [34:44]
A
So I felt like I needed to fix it. Like, I need to Fix myself. And yeah, I just, I went to a doctor and I didn't even shop around or anything. And yeah, it was. Yeah, it was an exact day.
- [35:02]
C
Oh my God. Now looking back, do you regret it?
- [35:06]
A
I don't know if I regret it, but I don't think I needed it.
- [35:09]
C
Right. I'm sure you did not.
- [35:10]
A
Yeah, it was not necessary. I don't think there was like no real reason for it.
- [35:18]
C
Yeah, no, for sure. Now maybe there is some Asian woman out there listening to us right now and they're thinking, you, obviously the book is fetished. You, you explain what that is. And there are a lot of men out there that look at Asian girls like this sexual object. So I'm thinking maybe a lot of girls out there are wondering, oh, so if a guy approaches me, is there any way that I can find out?
- [35:43]
A
Yes.
- [35:43]
C
Is he interested in me all the time.
- [35:45]
A
I literally, if I'm dating a non Asian guy, I have to ask, what was your ex girlfriend?
- [35:52]
C
Oh, really?
- [35:53]
A
It's a thing.
- [35:54]
C
And if he says was Asian, what.
- [35:57]
A
Was your girlfriend before that? What was a girlfriend?
- [35:59]
C
And then.
- [35:59]
A
Yeah.
- [36:00]
C
So you try to figure out if there's a But what if he tells you, it's just the kind of woman I'm attracted to. It's not a fetish. I don't agree with you. It's, you know, is there a way to figure out the difference?
- [36:13]
A
I don't want to judge a guy for having a preference, but I would want to feel special. And if I was the third Asian woman, I'm just not going to feel special. You know what I mean? Even if his preference is totally not fetishy and maybe he really respects Asian women and treats them really nicely, I would still rather just be the first date, you know, like not part of a trend.
- [36:37]
C
So maybe do you think a good thermometer for Asian women in general, like if they're dating a guy to ask like, what is your dating pattern?
- [36:48]
A
I think all Asian girls do ask that. They do.
- [36:51]
C
Yeah.
- [36:52]
A
Yeah. I think that is something that's on the back of the mind of every Asian woman.
- [36:58]
C
Oh my God.
- [36:58]
A
When meeting a new guy.
- [37:00]
C
Yeah, I get. No, I totally get it. Because I mean, I don't think any woman wants to start dating or be in any kind of relationship with a guy if his ulterior motive is like this, this or even idea. Sexual idea in their head.
- [37:13]
A
If you dated a guy and all his girlfriends looked exactly the same like you, like, exactly like, oh, this is.
- [37:21]
C
A little bit weird because you know. Yes, it is a question that. Because I have had, like I said I had an ex boyfriend and at the time I was so freaking stupid. A few years ago when I met him, he, he got out of a long marriage and he was like, I know I want to date a blonde. Blonde. And I felt flattered. And then months into it, I was like, he doesn't want to date me. He's like fishing around bumble. Total like midlife crisis big. He was just like, wanted attention from blondes. So, you know, then I realized something. So nowadays, yeah, I agree with you. If I meet a guy and he's like, I love blondes or I love Latins, I love Brazilians, I'm the same. I'm kind of like, okay, you know, if your pattern is to date only Brazilian women, like, same thing. Exactly. You said, I don't want to be a part of a package.
- [38:09]
A
Yes. Yeah.
- [38:10]
C
You know, because also likely a guy that does that, they're just gonna go through that woman after the other, after the other, after the other. Right. It's more like to fulfill something in their head.
- [38:20]
A
Because I feel like if you're truly going for a personality, the women are gonna look incredibly different because you're looking for what's on the inside, not what's on the outside.
- [38:29]
C
No. And you just said the keyword personality because you, you can be the same culture. You can be like 10 Asian girls, but each one of them is going to have totally different personality, lifestyle, likes, dislikes, and that should be a lot more important than.
- [38:44]
A
Yeah, it's sad because like some, some people, and I'm sure it happens with women too, just have an idea of what they want, but they don't really want the person, which is messy and complicated and like, like amazing and like, you know, they don't want the multifaceted. They just want like something easy and like totally packageable.
- [39:07]
C
Yeah, totally agree. So you, you went, you were working in entertainment is for a long time, right? You, you working as a pinup. You did a lot of modeling jobs. You did, you were part of a musical group. You did a lot of stuff. You ended up in one of the fast and furious serious movies, Tokyo Drift. You met, you talk a little bit about that in terms of not seeing a lot of great roles for Asian women.
- [39:35]
A
Yeah.
- [39:35]
C
Like you say, we're always background. And then finally you got a. I think was a day player.
- [39:42]
A
Yeah, it was still a small role, but. It's a small role, but so exciting because like every other time I was getting offered prostitute or massage parlor girl. So I was like, I'm still a sexy girl, but at least I'm not a prostitute.
- [39:55]
C
Something else. And you mentioned Lucy Liu, which is a symbol. And nowadays, of course, we have Michelle Yeoh.
- [40:02]
A
I mean, so many now. Like, right now, there's.
- [40:04]
C
But I still don't think it's so many.
- [40:06]
A
Yes. Yeah. Like, if you think about it.
- [40:08]
C
Yeah. Like, for people that love movies like me, because I'm also an actor. Michelle Yeoh won an Oscar in 2023. She was the first Asian woman to win an Oscar. And I was so happy, I had tears in my eyes. Because as a minority, I agree with you. I want to see more minorities represented in. In every industry and certainly in the entertainment industry. But do you feel it has been a shift lately? There is more opportunity?
- [40:34]
A
Yeah. Well, I'm no longer in the entertainment industry, but I feel like what I see in media, it's a lot still has to happen. But, like, there's so, like, with K Pop, it's crazy that there's, like, Korean music being played on the radio and, like, non Asians are listening to Korean music. That's crazy. And then the number one show on Netflix is Squid Game. And then Beef, this other show did really well. So I think there's a lot of opportunity for Asian women not to just play prostitutes and massage parlor girls. So, yeah, I think it's grown a lot. We have to keep pushing for more.
- [41:13]
C
I love that. And that's like a big part of the end of your book that I think is it's so, so special that you say, you know, we have to keep pushing for more representation and not just roles. That stereotype is same thing in the Latin culture. Because I have an accent, I'm kind of like the Sophia Vergara, which I think is the one of the few or the only one that became insanely successful with her accent. But for so long, for so long, people try to change her and tell her she was never going to be. Be successful.
- [41:47]
A
Really?
- [41:47]
C
Oh, yeah. She was a model. And then she's like, I'm gonna be an actor. And people made fun of her. They're like, go to a. Go to a voice. Voice lessons. You got to get rid of the accent. And when you hear her tell the story, she's like, I went through hell and high water trying to get rid of my accent. And then I was like, no, this. I'm gonna do what I. I do with my accent.
- [42:05]
A
That's amazing.
- [42:06]
C
I. Exactly. So I think people like us, we need to Keep pushing for that and putting these conversations out there. So the entertainment industry opens more and more doors.
- [42:16]
A
Yeah.
- [42:16]
C
For people like us.
- [42:18]
A
Need to get more minorities in director.
- [42:20]
C
Positions and producer positions 1 million percent. But how? What was the game changer for you to get out of the drugs, to start loving yourself, to turn your life around, to be in a peaceful place like you are today, that you are actually capable of writing this incredible book?
- [42:38]
A
Well, it took like a decade or more to all that healing. But I think the first, first thing that happened was that I was just really miserable and I was like, I have to figure out like it was obvious the drugs are starting to get worse. So I was like starting to miss shows and not show up to things. So I think the first step was getting sober. And after I got sober for a couple of years then like getting therapy and reading books and kind of just learning to mostly just have cause. I have such a critical voice in my head just to kind of change that into a kinder, more accepting voice. So that's still a work in progress.
- [43:18]
C
So. But you, you decided to go because it's very tough getting out of drugs and getting sober. It's a really tough journey. Did you just decide to, you did everything on your own, like I'm gonna get clean, I'm gonna change my life around.
- [43:30]
A
Well, no, it's funny, I did. I'm in the sober community so I had a lot of help with like sponsors and friends. Yeah. So that really helped. But it took me a while. Like when I first decided to get sober, I think it took me two years. Cuz I would get sober and then relapse again and get sober. And then for some reason, just one day it clicked. But I had been trying for a.
- [43:54]
C
While, which happens to a lot of people. Yeah, because like you said, it's not. Cuz I, I think especially because of social media, people see the end result. Right. They see you beautiful there, the book published. Amazingly, they don't see back end like the tough, tough, tough journey to get to this place. That's why I think it's so important to put all the stories out there because maybe somebody listening is going through the same thing. And I know a lot of young girls in the industry go through the same type of trauma, get in the wrong hands like you did. And it's just so tough to keep your head in the right place.
- [44:31]
A
It's literally in the, the entertainment industry industries filled with predators because they know these very young women are showing up from off the bus from Ohio or something. They have no experience in the world. And this decades older man, he is an experienced groomer to like get what he wants. And girls really have to be careful.
- [44:52]
C
Yeah, yeah. So do you have any tips? Let's say the young, younger audience out there is listening. Anybody going through the same, anybody that is working here or wants to model or is modeling to avoid falling in the hands of predators like you.
- [45:07]
A
I think like you were saying, due diligence. I mean, nowadays you could be on Instagram and some person might reach out. Totally. Yeah. So that would be really difficult. I think what really helped is having an agent because they're going to screen all that. But that's not. Not everybody can find the agent immediately at first. So I would say the simplest thing is just to bring a friend with you on those early auditions that you're not sure about.
- [45:34]
C
Yeah.
- [45:35]
A
Like that would have saved everything for me if there was just somebody there.
- [45:38]
C
If you are not alone, I think that's like the best advice. Yeah. And once your video leaked, that's another thing. It's my opinion and I don't know if you agree, there's nothing you can do about it once the video is out there. I think it's so brave and it's the right thing to do. Do just own it and tell your truth. Like, because so many people get, oh my God, it's going to destroy my life. It's going to ruin my life. What if so and so and so find out. I think it's just better because I know it happens to so many people. Just put your truth out there.
- [46:10]
A
Yeah. Because that's the unfortunate thing with the Internet. Like you can never entirely swipe anything, you know.
- [46:18]
C
No. It's always going to be somewhere. And I think the case, like the dude you were dating, if somebody comes through and say, ah, I found that video. If they think anything less of you because of a video, because of a photo, because whatever it is that you did, probably they're not your person.
- [46:33]
A
Oh, definitely. And that video now is 27 years ago. It's like so long ago.
- [46:41]
C
Look, regardless, you know, because like I said, and I keep. I always bring up Kim Kardashian because.
- [46:46]
A
Like I said, yeah, people still bring up her video. And I was like, yeah, 20. Yes.
- [46:51]
C
Yeah. But at the time, I remember everybody criticized her mother. They criticize her like, oh my God, look at this. I'm like, I personally think they did the right thing. Cuz there was no way in the world they could hide that.
- [47:00]
A
Yeah.
- [47:00]
C
It was too big. It was out There, the whole world was going to see it. I'm like, good for them. She owned to the mistake the guy was the. Because what kind of a boyfriend does that, right?
- [47:10]
A
Yeah, yeah. I mean, always it's the same thing with. Yes. Like, I think her boyfriend was 10 years older and she didn't really want to shoot, but she wanted to, like, you know, you want to please your man. Yeah. And he's much older, telling her what to do. And that's. Then he puts this out here and she has no choice. You know, this is a personal.
- [47:30]
C
So many times, like you said, we are, as women, we are with our partners, you want to please them in bed. Especially when we're younger. Right. Nowadays, if some guy told me, I'm going to film you, I'm like, no, get out of my bed.
- [47:42]
A
That would be.
- [47:43]
C
Yeah, but when we're young, we have this tendency to, like you said when you were being assaulted, you're like, you were so afraid you give up control. But in the sex videos and all this crap, many times you're just doing what the guy. What you think is going to make your partner happy?
- [48:00]
A
Yeah, yeah. When you're with a partner. Yeah.
- [48:03]
C
But if it leaks, you know what?
- [48:06]
A
Owner. Yeah.
- [48:07]
C
It just makes you a stronger person.
- [48:09]
A
I mean, really, like, Kim Kardashian could care less about, like, she is probably the most powerful person in entertainment. I know.
- [48:18]
C
But she's a great example, by the way, of how something that could have been like, oh, my God, I'm going to hide her, is spin it around and become the best version of you, which I personally think is the, the best revenge.
- [48:30]
A
Yeah.
- [48:31]
C
And that's obviously what you did. You became this fabulous, incredible, gorgeous woman and now you are a published writer.
- [48:40]
A
Yeah. Who would have thought?
- [48:42]
C
Yeah. Well, I hope this is, this is one of many that are going to come in the future. Very powerful story. Fantastic read. Congratulations.
- [48:52]
A
Thank you.
- [48:52]
C
Thank you for sharing. Because I think it's so important that women have the gift, the guts to share their stories. So I, I hope if anybody out there right now going through any kind of trauma, any kind of pain, any kind of embarrassment, they feel empowered to move forward, then you're a perfect example that anybody can turn their life around.
- [49:10]
A
Yeah. You just have to, like, believe in yourself and be, be kind to yourself. Yeah.
- [49:15]
C
That. Congratulations. Beautiful work. I'm so honored that you're here. This is an incredible conversation, guys. Be safe out there. The book is fetished, Kyla. Is it on where is Amazon?
- [49:25]
A
Yeah, you can find it. Amazon, Barnes and noble, but support independent bookstores. Like, small bookstores? Yeah, that.
- [49:32]
C
So it's all over the place. I'm putting the link here so you guys can see her. Beautiful work. Thank you so much, Bluetooth, for being our biggest sponsor on this episode. I love you guys. If you guys don't know about Bluetooth, it's the only chewable tablet out there. Go get yours because it will be a game changer in bed. Girls, tell your guys. Guys, go get it. Because every woman wants a man that takes blue cheese. Thank you, Kyla. You're incredible. I really appreciate it. Be safe out there. Love you. We'll be back soon. Thank you.